The Manipulative Abuser: Nice to Some, Nasty to Others - Sara Davison
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- Опубликовано: 6 сен 2024
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Besides the fact of, how many abusers don’t abuse the mother in front of the children, abusing your child’s mother IS mistreatment of the children. To say, “but he doesn’t abuse the kids” is just wild.
Exactly
And why does it matter anyways? It’s not an out because you’re abusive to only one person. That’s like saying “well I only killed 10 people but I didn’t kill 37 people.” As if giving a worse senecio makes what you did less atrocious. It still is
Thank God this message is getting out.
That’s exactly what happened to the kids and I. But it was my father and his girlfriend who joined my ex and emotionally abused and slander me in front our kids. It’s just absolutely horrible to the kids. Sadly courts don’t get it and split the custody 50/50 !!!!!!😢
@@bennu547 I always also give an example of pediphiles who the nicest people to single mothers, aren’t they? !!! Psychopaths are nice !!!!
Abuse of a spouse IS CHILD ABUSE!
Yes. Absolutely do not hold hope. The manipulation game extends to the children and lawyers. And judges. Everyone. If it’s a narcissist the manipulative abuse game includes EVERYONE AND children are the worst affected.
💯 this is a nightmare. They will be fake and nice to everyone but you, crafting their image. The funny thing is seeing them have a narcissistic injury when you show proof not only that they're lying, but their instability.
My narcissistic ex immediately wanted to settle at that point lol. She could hardly hold back her anger, and still insults me over our parenting app over it.
@@GrowordecayLaws need to be changed to make Narcissistic Abuse criminally punishable!!!!
@@mountain10 that's dangerous though. My N ex manipulated me through reactive abuse and gaslighting. And then told them it was ME that was the narcissist. It's very hard to prove and might lead to victims losing custody because they will manipulate that system too
There is no clear solution, Ns just suck. Courts have to play it safe and prioritize parental rights.
@@Growordecaydamn!!
@@mountain10would be great. Prob very hard to prove. Sneaky little demons
I would add that being abusive to mom or any family member IS being abusive to the others who get caught up in it.
Absolutely true!
Thank you, this hits home!
Yes!
My ex was abusive and only used our daughter as pawn. I left at 5 months pregnant & I gave him til she was 2 to get his shhhh together as coparents. Once I fully caught onto the game of he only wanted control over me and not to be held accountable as a father. I told him we would coparent through the courts. I never heard from him again, and I decided to be a single mother. Best decision of my life❗️I asked her if she wanted to see her father and she told me "no". My child is thriving and a mommies girl anyway, so it's peaceful. Im also going to get her therapy just for future coping.
You did the right thing! Mine did the same thing, using my daughter as an armor, pawn ,triangulation, you name it. By the time I left, my daughter felt i 💔 didn't love her, and i was feeling the same. In hindsight, yes, it's just a game for the Narc. Whoever they can use to achieve their goal of getting supply,being grandiose they will do it,period. Thank God I have finally got the courage to leave and now have a good relationship with my daughter. It's a blessing and work in progress. She is doing therapy and now sees clearly that he was manipulating every one 😢😮😢 The truth always prevails.❤❤❤😊
Lucky, I wish my ex would leave.
One thing I understand from Richard...... Keep no hope at all..
Don't hope for the improvement of others...but do keep the hope for yourself to get out and have a better life and future. There's hope...just not for them 😆
@aqua6613 Thank you so much. I am on my healing journey............ Don't really care about them now. 🙂
If a man is abusive in any way to the mother of his children and making her feel upset, low, discombobulated and uncomfortable that will impact on his children.... There for he is indirectly abusing his children! Happy moma happy household /family 😉🤗
Absolutely!!!
@@lisaflemming7213 or if a woman does this to a man. Narcissism isn’t gendered.
I always said that my husband had to be happy for us to have peace, but in truth, he was only happy and nice when he was manipulating me because he knew someone was coming to visit and I didn't.
@@lisaflemming7213 women can be abusive too. They can abuse their children in a narcisstic manner. …. Any adult marital conflict that occurs in front of a child is abuse of the child. …..
Make her feel? Poor choice of words.
Yes true when he is MAD at me he will not call and check on his daughter "Disgusting"
Same thing my ex narc does to this day. Sometimes you don’t even know what wrong you have done, he’s just ticked off 😂
Shows their true colors
Can't get lower than punishing their child when they r angry at the other parent
Exactly what is happening to me and our kids in this divorce. Those involved say they believe me about my mistreatment, but that what our kids are saying is not abusive. Which is bulls* it. They are refusing to see the patterns. One thing may not look so bad, but when you put together all of the things that have happened, it is absolutely abuse. It is incredibly frustrating.
🙏
A lot of abuse is very secretive behind closed doors that noone knows about.
That is exactly how horrible it is. When you try to escape, you are the bad, crazy person who "destroyed the family." Been there.
Totally right: “NO HOPE.” 👍
Narcissists can be nice to people usually to gain their favor and give them more social status and power while they think they aren't a bad person and ignore all the other bad stuff they are doing. It doesn't make them a good person, it's fake, and they are cruel to other people.
He said,"I don't want you to be hopeful." with the straightest face and I heard laughter in the background... this is a reality check for this person, definitely nothing to laugh about... realizing there was no hope has been one of the saddest days of my life 😕
That's exactly what the courts say, which is ridiculous to me.
Mistreatment of children and the vulnerable is the #1 sign of a narcissist.
...and waiting staff at cafes/restaurants.
When I was most vulnerable is when they poured it all on with the most effort, reptiles
Narcissists are also vulnerable so.
@@frace3824yes, they could smell it in the air, demons
My parents are abusive narcissists. They tick every single box on a list of narc traits. I stupidly believed that I could shield my children from the abuse they perpetrated towards me. I naively believed that they were kind to my kids and good grandparents. Wrong. They spent 20 years manipulating my eldest son against me and eventually they won. My son no longer talks to me and I am bereft. Heartbroken. 💔 They did whatever they could to undermine our parenting at every turn until they won. Showered him with gifts and attention. Undermined every parenting decision I ever made. Poured fuel on the fire of normal teenage angst. The police have asked them to leave me alone three times. I train to get a restraining order but CPS said not enough evidence. I came close to committing suicide. My narc parents are no longer allowed to see our youngest son. The damage they inflicted on my family won’t be realised until after they die. Maybe even never. They stole my son from me and I will never forgive them. 💔
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. The Little Shaman on RUclips has some videos that may help you in your healing journey. Dr. Ramani has great videos too on narcissistic healing. Stay strong. Your not alone.💕
If you end up in family court, it’s generally because there’s a manipulative abuser and they will point the figure at the victim, and the victim will pay the ultimate price for the abusers game
Abandon all hope. Family Court is a playground for them, they can keep up pretenses for years in the court if you are in a court custody battle. The counselors treat everyone as if they are normal. They are not normal. You have to DD ocument everything and play the long game.
Psych evals are a must!!!!! Should be a law! Done by a reputable, knowledgeable Psychologist!!!! These courts/judges/lawyers/toxic/narcissistic individuals must be exposed and held accountable!!! They are destroying our families!!!!!
Right, it's a HUGE BUMMER, but there's NO HOPE FOR HOPE!!! We're Not Dealing with a LOGICAL Person who wants to try or LEARN! No BEhavior modifications & No Hope. Take it from Me, I learned the hard way💔😢💔 Save Yourself & Give Yourself the Hope❣
She is correct
If she indeed went to a family court and this is what she concluded for it - I'm not believing a single word from her.
Having stuck with my NPD husband for 45 years and tried everything to make him happy only for him to move the goalposts I left a year ago. My adult kids are amazing and supportive and so relieved that I have at last left. He never once smacked them or was abusive to them. But they grew up in a weird household that they gradually realised wasn't the same as their friends. They played along with his game in order to keep me safe. But they grew up hearing the arguments and the way he spoke to me and limited what I did . In later years they were worried sick about my safety and every phone call they hoped it wouldn't be the police telling them that he had seriously hurt me ot worse. Just because he wasn't abusive to them doesn't mean he didn't ultimately hurt them. All of them are having counselling now and they have all experienced problems with self confidence and self worth. The presenter is right. Get out as soon as you realise because there is no hope of change.
46 years for me. I had hidden everything to protect my children (now middle aged) and when I finally ran for my life, my siblings and friends - who had all figured out what was going on - rallied around and supported me. Unfortunately, the monster I was "married" to had conducted a smear campaign with my daughters (who hadn't lived with us for 20 years) that resulted in them blaming me for "destroying the family." His lies were beyond ridiculous. I had supporters and witnesses at the trial. He had none. Daughters were kept in a separate room and never heard any of that. Nor did they ever come to me to ask about the truth, and they cut me off from grandsons I had loved for 15 years. I will forever be heartbroken, but their choice.
These people are evil.
@@karenk2409
My thoughts are with you. You know what It's like to stick with it for the long haul. Unfortunately it never ends well...there's always heartache of some kind. I have 4 fantastic kids (all in their 40s) and 6 grandchildren all of whom have disowned him. I was sorry to hear about your daughters. It's a shame they cannot see what you've been through. Maybe one day? I will keep you in my thoughts ❤
@@snowiecat456 Thank you for your kind words ... your family is a great blessing, may you be happy always.
Excellent book by Lundy Bancroft, “Why Does He Do That” has a chapter about the abuser and his relationship with his children, incredibly eye opening!
Hope without reason is false hope
Yeah experienced that with family courts. Like it was isolated to me and not our child. Uh. No.
Hmmmm...I'm struggling with this one.
Again, where do you draw the line between an imperfect human being and a hopelessly toxic human being? Is there even a line, or is there way more grey area than we're comfortable with? I've never met anyone that was 0% manipulative.
There is nothing wrong with having hope as long as it's grounded in reality, which can be tricky. But we don't get to decide that other people are hopeless - we're not God. Although, I do understand the emphasis on keeping it real. 💯💞
What we DO get to decide is whether or not relationships should cease or continue - and I think what you said about it all coming down to ACTIONS was super on point. We don't need to work so hard to define other people or their intentions when we can simply examine their behaviors and decide whether or not those behaviors qualify or disqualify them from access to us.
Also, your point about having compassion for yourself and the trauma you've endured, not just for others and what they've endured - that's so important!!!! 📢 I know a lot of us have a tendency to slip back into the fantasy by focusing on the "victim" side rather than the active abuse that is happening presently.
There is always hope. But we definitely do have to be careful about where we are placing our hope. 🙏🏻✨️
I'm gonna start doing my own videos about this stuff, I have too much to say to just be leaving long-winded comments on other people's content!! 🌱🤭
If he's that way, he does it to your kids too!! And mine attracted all kinds of " drifters" kinda ppl and left anyone with my children. But bcuz everything was about him. I freaked out and he loved it to make me upset and fearful all the time! Which always made me look like the bad guy/woman. ❤
Not being hopeful, is what saved me from my narcissistic family. Once I started learning and found out these types hardly ever get any cure, I was out.
100% true n there is really no hope. Sad but true….
I thought he was just abusing me. She was 17 when we realzed how much he'd messed with her head and we fled with what we could fit in the car. He should be in prison. It wasnt considered physical but we were malnourished and covered in sores when we left. I didnt have a choice. I had to become broke and homeless with my autistic 17 year old (im diagnosed too) So yeah it technically was physical abuse, too.
And it was THE POLICE that told me what he was planning. My daughter and were forced to admit outloud that we both knew. He still calls me begging me to forgive him
For me and my siblings, it was very grandiose until we became about 10 or 11 and started naturally testing boundaries. It felt like our dad would develop a split personality after that.
But how to make court see that? I'm in that exactly situation, feeling completely crazy, because I know the monster he is, but he manages to manipulate everyone so they don't see it .....
@@catalinamunoz6873 mine tricked everyone and became a repeat offender because he was never stopped by the authorities...I believe they were narcissistic too and targeted my vulnerability at the time. So don't be vulnerable if you're dealing with them.
Maybe get some video or some witnesses. Anything that is not just your words against theirs. It’s a shame that your partner is your enemy or else they could help. 😢
@boxelder9167 Yes, I record everything when possible, but he is so aware that this is in court, I think he is putting the show of his life right now.... more than that, his actions are always defended by the judge or others .... the legal system doesn't work in Austria 🤯🤯
Thank you for the advice :)
@stephp7778 Thank you, I will try to do as you say. Good luck and all the best for you :)
Do you have any proof? Are you guys still together?
You need leverage and to get them to the table and negotiate. If they risk shattering their flimsy image, they will capitulate. You want to get at least 50/50 so you can counteract their negative influence.b
Where can we watch this interview? The complete one?
Yes so true!!! I am so tired of fighting against everyone that says that and and also says “well isn’t great hat he wants to be involved now for your children” eh… yes if he really wanted to and was going to be a parent after everyone is listening to him now… because it’s just a show - it’s just a way to hurt me more and control everything as soon as the court is gone the real person comes forward again and there are no interest in that anymore… and it’s also many times just for show against everyone around- to be able to say “yes I am a great parent and I take my responsibility” eh- no! Just because you have your children under your roof half the time doesn’t mean that you do what you should as a parent😩
As soon as i separated and we still shared the same house, he literally started to ignore the kids and closed himself in his room and only got out to 💩 and eat and go to work and I’m not joking !!!!! He shows his real face now and I no longer ignore it !
What kind of court is going to say “it’s OK that he was abusive to you, but he’s not abusive to his children so it’s OK?” Maybe they do things differently over in the UK. But that would never fly over here in the United States.✌🏼
I'm going through the family courts, and they're absolutely clueless and Cafcass, are absolutely reprehensible. They can't see the evil in the other parent.
I fight “hope” even after breakup after 11 years together but I will fight the feelings and think with the knowledge I have now.
If he's abusing the kids he's abusing the mom. If he's abusing the mom he's abusing the kid's! That's the way it works!
Parental Alienation is abusing children ...I faced this in my divorce and custody battle almost 20 years ago my Narc ex won took my kids and I was rapped by the courts...it was horrific allowed and he remarried and then he and his wife continued the attacks for 20 years after..could kill me with thier hands destroying my life was a nice 2nd
trying to come to terms with your experience is what i imagine leaving a cult would feel like. i'm still confused by it all
That's exactly what they said to me.
There is a hegemony of that philosophy, too, with the magistrates and cafcass being heavily trained to promote contact at all costs in the child arrangements order, and not trained well in domestic abuse. It is cafcass that is promoting this "abusers don't always abuse the children" mentality.
I quite agree 👍
If someone is abusive towards a partner, ultimately they are abusive to the child. They witness the abuse indirectly. Thankfully the law recognises this.
Abusing the children's primary care giver is abusing the kids.
I worry about this all the time. I don't know how the dynamic is at my exes house without me taking the brunt of the abuse. I hope he's trying to be grandiose to them so he doesn't lose them. Because if that's the case then they are safe. I was worried about when they become teens but at 14 they'll be able to choose who to live with. But I'm very suspicious because he is a liar and manipulative person. If you stand your ground he'll get physically abusive, justify it and then deny it.
I'm always on edge. Don't have enough to go to court yet but I'm working on it.
Family Court usually favor narcissists big time.
Unless they lose their temper, and forget to stay nicely in their soft parent / abused victim acting part they play best, there's no way the courts are going to go against a narcissist's will.
Courts love the charming protective concerned acting of the narcissist, and always falls into that trap.
I see a lot of fake victims, and they usually win for quite a while.
After some years, the judge may be aware of the over the top accusations to make the other parent look bad, and give more parenting time to the good parent.
And narcissists hate that.
They want everything, and nothing for the good parent.
Narcissists are living turds.
It feels so good seeing a narcissist lose, because there is a sense of Justice at seeing a bastard lose.
But most narcissists win, don't worry about that, and the good parent gets his life destroyed and his kids are turned against him.
This is bang on!
I'm the main target but everyone gets the grief at different levels. We all know whats happening. We all have escaped at different levels.
And they’ll get other people as marionette’s to target t you so they can focus on feeding their delusions. Its a hole lot to understand but I’m tired of hurting. Truly.
The saddest part is that the narcissist just inbreeds more of the same in their offspring.
Idk if it's attraction to this thing. I have this central tendency to not walk away. It was an effort to better myself, reinforced by a need of acceptance or friends, having grown up moved across a continent. Never realized the achtung narcissists emit on day one. I think codependency and covert can exist in the same person, morph, and cohabitate between many, based upon how we react to the same stressors in life. Taking a step back, I'm a genuine a-hole about society and institutional subservience, what it's causing, but I take it upon myself to not ask for much... until that loving acceptance. The hardest moment to protect yourself, spinal column exposed. I think if you already dealt with it, being used to it and socially adapting is a problem you would see in the family unit, plays out at work, but not an exogenous meeting. I don't think anyone expects it. If you accept it, years of entrainment. It's a total review of integrity and what you want in life, to dodge years of torture without joy. If I were a psychologist vs. my CIS, I would actually bundle codependency and narcissism together as "affine identity theory" or something like that. As a target, giving is a way of using if I feed my superego, a dopamine rush, but that doesn't turn off ego. Both sides have identity on the line, ego is a coin toss. My ADD hyperfocus made me give fast to solve problems as my m.o. There's a point where the ego can rebound, knee-jerk give up. Use you up, can't pay bills, you break, it gets projected.
Hoping that they will change and do everything to make them and see us is also manipulative 😊 Authentic self loving people do not attract abusers.
This is the kind of twisted logic that narcissistic women use to take children away from their fathers. These narcissistic women abuse men and when the man reacts she turns around and claims that his reaction must apply equally to everyone and therefore he is a horrible person to everyone, Including his children. It would never occur to her that in fact she is the one triggering his reaction in the first place.
THIS is exactly why I think we need to be much more careful about the good guy / bad guy mentality in general. 😬 A narcissist can just as easily paint their victim as the abuser as a victim can paint the abuser as a narcissist - and only God knows who is truly guilty of what.
It's easy to assume everything is as it appears, but how it appears is often relative AF. We're all capable of evil. Which is why I'm now terrified of relationships. 🤣 It's fine. Healing is possible. I will neither die a spinster nor end up in court with a psychotic person. 💪🏻✨️
But also we are all responsible for our own responses to triggers. If someone triggers you a lot and you have a hard time responding in healthy ways, maybe that's a dynamic that needs to stop for the good of both people.
Oh that is sooooooo true!
UK courts must be different that the USA LOL
“ It’s OK he was abusive to you, as long as he is not abusive to the children, it’s totally OK!” WHAT COURT WOULD SAY THAT??? NONSENSE. WORD SALAD.
Yes and no. Some narcissists care about their children to a certain degree. But they can't deploy CARE to their children
My ex to a degree cares. But she can not behave in a non- selfish manner. Things worsened once she saw he looks more like me, when she prior was bragging she thought he didn't look like me at all
She mostly conditionally loves him for supply. But there are levels and she's more on the severe side.
That’s a distinction without a difference.
@@retrogore420 confused by your reply. I'm saying narcs aren't automatically abusive to their children because they were the spouse. There are levels to it. Some are abusive relationally, some are abusive in general.
I'd say outlandish bullshit comes with the territory.
You cannot "get out" when there are children are involved. You are stuck with the man even if you are divorced.
absolutely
But how to prove it in court
This describes my co-worker - such a snake 🐍
I said that until I realised turning me into an OCD eating disorder pot head addict ,I was still good mum , but at 27 I gave up, got clear , grew out off it & said enough . & j said he was a good dad . It was all a facade, he kidnapped them three times the last time framed me & had me arrested , years later I was in rehab after years off hard addiction to cope with ptsd away fron my babies, he visited me in rehabs ,I saw my darling children and played charades with them both , in field, & said so are you coming back to me now . I said are you serous ? I’m 3 wks clean from 7 years off speed H addiction after what happened to me . He says ohh well I may as well kill the kids then. Ohhhh😮 someone over heard him & after he left ,with the kids .I was dragged into the rehab office while they questioned me for hours, asking for the names and addresses to report it to authorities. I wouldn’t give it to them. I knew he would never, but really, I underestimated him before I really should’ve provided info but I didn’t want to make my babies life any harder. They suffered so much like I had at his hands. I forgive him unconditionally ,god helped me just recently nearly 20 years later to forgive everyone, cured my ptsd that iv suffered since 27 . Never underestimate them ..they really just care about themselves , not you & not the children .. unless you’re doing what you’re told & there getting their supply . You can’t keep walking around on egg shells waiting to be abused , just for talking to someone or going someplace he/she won’t approve .
You can't love your children and abuse their parent in front of them.
There is no other way.
👼JULY 29, 2024👼
“COME TO ME CONTINUALLY. I am meant to be the Center of your consciousness, the Anchor of your soul. Your mind will wander from Me, but the question is how far you allow it to wander. An anchor on a short rope lets a boat drift only slightly before the taut line tugs the boat back toward the center. Similarly, as you drift away from Me, My Spirit within you gives a tug, prompting you to return to Me. As you become increasingly attuned to My Presence, the length of rope on your soul's Anchor is shortened. You wander only a short distance before feeling that inner tug--telling you to return to your true Center in Me.” (JESUS CALLING)
Hope is harmful here, not to mention, utterly futile. Get away, and stay there!!
❤❤❤
RHH
Exactly
Who is she?
And they win the children, but it’s all about the win so once won… lose interest bit too late because the child/ren are psychologically trauma bonded by then and either clingy or abusive to others and themselves AND the cycle continues.
FFS respect and support women break the cycle once and for all or… you’re part of the problem yourself! May as well say screw you to your own children if you’re willing to allow it for another’s child.
F hope ❤
💯💯💯💯
So you are saying that all manipulation is bad?
🙌💯🙌
Yeah , faux "nice" doesn't count .
Who is this speaking?
When you realise your partner is of an abusive nature, why risk your kids with them? Usually because the family courts insist they continue whether you like it or not. Family courts 😂 joke well paid nonsense.
Courts prioritize sharing custody these days. Which is actually good, because if not they could manipulate the courts to get primary. Just have to support them on your time.
What kind non sense is this? 😂
Family courts are one of the social structures protecting the rights of abusive people to access the vulnerable victims of their coercive control, reframing abuse as if deliberate domestic abuse is acceptable and a Machiavellian ability to mask charm elsewhere proves inherent good, when in reality the selective aggression and charming veneer are the mark of an unsalvageable soul.