INFJs and Frenemies
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 6 сен 2024
- Sign up for the INFJ and INFP Relationships workshop:
laurensapala.c...
INFJ personality types and INFP personality types often attract people who want to form friendships, but who also give mixed messages. These messages may include: “I like you” and
“I’m jealous / threatened by you.” Or, “we’re friends” but “I want to see you fail.”
This type of “friend” is known as a “frenemy,” because they embody traits of a friend, and also traits of an enemy. The mixed messages that INFJ personality types and INFP personality types receive in these types of friendships are very confusing and hurtful, and we usually internalize the messages and blame ourselves.
This type of person is attracted to INFJ personality types and INFP personality types because we frequently have traits that they admire or want to emulate, and they also love the attention we give them. This type of person tends to be insecure, self-absorbed, and threatened by others.
INFJ personality types and INFP personality types form friendships with these people because we often override early warning signals in the relationship that the person does not have our best interest at heart. We are also accustomed to providing most of the sensitivity in a relationship, and doing most of the emotional labor, which means we are used to giving a lot and getting little back.
Due to childhood experiences, this kind of dynamic usually feels normal to us, and so we don’t question it as deeply as we should when the relationship is first forming with the person. Then, we fall into these frenemy relationships and get burned when it’s too late. This results in INFJ personality types and INFP personality types feeling like we can trust no one.
Subscribe to Lauren’s newsletter!
laurensapala.c...
Subscribe to Lauren’s newsletter: laurensapala.com/newsletter/
Spot on!!! As a middle aged INFJ woman, I noticed Ive attracted those passive aggressive "friends" since I was a child. Other women think Im very easy going when they first meet me. The sensitive "therapist" friend like you said. They also tend to be extremely bossy and controlling, just like my mother.
Once they catch a glimpse of that fire just underneath the surface, they're shocked, accuse me of being too sensitive and set out to insult me through "joking".
I also find they speak to me like they're smarter than me. When I assert myself, they play it off like they didnt mean it like that. Those same ppl dont like seeing someone they think is weaker being actually stronger than they are. Its like they're almost offended that I could be on their level. Its odd and exhausting.
This video is so accurate! Side note: dont dare lose any weight around these "friends". Constant body checks and honing in on every single thing you eat. Why are ppl like this?
@@rubycubez1103 I can relate. I experienced what you said over and over again.
My life to a T. I even had to distance myself from my own mom. Solo Dolo 💪🏾🥹
WEIRD right ??
they want to cuddle up with you at 1st meeting, and you should trust them after all they are a wife and mother
When I discovered that it's okay for me to *not* be social with people I stopped reaching out to people so much and I'm really enjoying just being ME, making art, and not worrying about what others think of me.
No more eggshell walking!
I feel like an "emotional toilet"!! "Friends" just use me to take an emotional dump on me then ghost me until next time
That's it. A Sacrifical lamb.
Wonder if Jesus was the biggest INFx in human history...
We need a video on not idealizing and romanticizing others. This has been a huge obstacle in my life!
Yes, I hope Lauren includes this topic in the workshop
Sometimes this is called limerance- the crappy childhood fairy on RUclips has a lot on that if you’re interested
that's a sexual desire. but since you are a human being you try to give it some ornamentation. it is a physical need and hunger for sensuality. your idea about romanticizing is simply sensual in its roots. so, because you disdain mere sexual behavior, you try to elevate it into a more acceptable level to your imagination and intelligence. in that sense you use whoever you romanticize about in your head. that's how the brain functions trying to fill the blanks.
“Frenemies aren’t friends to me.” That’s one of my mottos. True friends aren’t determined by length of time, but by strength of character. Most people are acquaintances to me or just people I know and that’s it, not close friends. Just saying and being real.
💯 if I call you friend, I mean in my inner circle. That’s 5 people. Outside that circle, you are someone I’m friendly with or further out, an acquaintance.
“Frenemies aren’t even acquaintances to me.” I door-slammed all of them. 🚪
This has happened so many times..I no longer try to get too close to friends. I stay in my lane and in my bubble. Keep my goals and ambitions to myself.
Likewise.
Me either.
Same here
@@lynnsteed9979 wise choice
If it makes you happy… keep it to yourself
If you feel something is wrong, it's wrong. It's not necessary to gather evidence of them being toxic because it's too late when you have enough evidence. Trust your intuition and get rid of yourself from them early on.
🚶♂💨💨🚩🚩
thanks for this reminder
@@kellyb2023 You're welcome 🙂
As an INFJ, I will understand they have major flaws as a friend but I will tell myself that in order to have friends, I have to sometimes overlook peoples’ flaws and put some boundaries up in certain cases to try to control the situation, keeping the person from becoming a risk to me. But then the relationship lacks real intimacy because I am too not being fully truthful about who I am and how much I understand who they really are.
Too real.
I dont believe in "friends" I believe in relationships. Sometimes those relationships benefit me and the other and sometimes they dont.. Sometimes those relationships last years and sometimes they last 10 minutes. I dont know if ive ever had someone i could call an unconditional loving friend, nor do i believe they exist. Im 45 and most of the connections i make are people that need my "counseling" skills or frienemies
Yep, I can relate to that free therapy aspect. I've come to accept that element is what attracts people to me, so I now offer limited assistance when I have the energy without telling myself the connection is a friendship. I don't expect that anymore and life is better.
Yep, informal therapist to so many!
I feel exactly the same way. And no one gives my feelings a second thought.
I don't give them unpaid counseling anymore. Let them struggle with problems. 😁
Start playing dumb. It’s great. Be boring and aloof. Gray rock.
So related to this topic, I have consistently attracted people like this throughout my life, and I'm quite tired of it.
Me too .. worst part is when it’s a guy who you wanted to be friendly with 😢
Energy vampires. It’s so disgusting that such people exist. They will take everything from you if you let them and leave you once you are completely drained
We live in a very competitive world as far as friendships and the workplace are concerned. It’s ok to protect yourself from the envy of others.
.And when you try to leave them alone per others suggestions they somehow gravitate towards you.
INFJ , INFP flip flop here … yes, do get frenemies or mixed message people, perhaps as we are complicated for people to understand.
* People should not be jealous or envious of other people but happy for them, unless the other people are mean,selfish, and judgemental with their success.
Also many unseen troubles, so people should not be jealous/envious of others , or me either.
I was, have been, so surprised to notice people wanted others to fail.
Took me 33 years to recognize SOME PEOPLE ACTUALLY WANT OTHERS TO FAIL?? wtf how do you keep such a toxic childish feeling inside you??😧🤢
I really can't I just can't
As a INTJ, I tolerate people, but don’t trust anyone.😂
I love being an INFJ. I feel so good in my 50s, and even though I am going through a divorce, I am happy.
i had this friend for years he complained about his job to me i would listen and be supportive as best i could , i got a job complained once and he ghosted me lol its wow 👀
Yup, same happened to me!!!!
Narcissistic abuse.
Spot on about always assuming we are to blame! The negative energy directed at us feels like a psychic attack, hence the fear.
I have had many relationships that have this pattern. It's made me very guarded with people.
When a close family member acts that way it's very hurtful , because you want the best for them and you love them. I tolerated a lot and now I give them a dose of reality. Call them out on their manipulative behavior. That helps for sometime until they start again 😔
I had more of that in my immediate family than anywhere else.
Very illuminating! Earlier this year I had a huge meltdown when I realized a friendly co-worker actually didn't want me to do as well as her. I felt so betrayed.
I had a similar thing in a work situation, both with coworkers and my immediate supervisor. They acted like friends, but the coworkers betrayed me at a party off-site, and the supervisor dangled a promotion over my head, but then passed me up at the last minute.
I think this is a pretty typical situation in the workplace, unfortunately.
@@pickledherring8759”future faking
My goodness, this is spot on. I have experienced this so much to the point I have learned to pour into myself and be very secure in myself. I now promise myself when I see those "frenemies" signs I learn to train myself to see it and believe it the FIRST time and remove myself. I realized this hard truth when I would ask myself, "What am I getting in return in this relationship? I KNOW I am showing up as a friend but how do they show up for me?"
I realize at some point, as an INFJ to live fully you are going to be forced to not play small anymore. Being someone at that point I learn to harness the power of silence and move as such.
Wow this is spot on! I experience this all the time with ppl. I’m now 32 and kind of a loner because I saw this pattern with “friendships”. One of my ex friends once said to me “I feel plain around you” . I never knew what she ment but learning now and learning myself n personality type… it makes sense. Great video!
Very interesting...I've definitely experienced this in my life, and like other infjs, I stick to myself, which doesn't help in the long run. 🙁
I think I've read your comments elsewhere, on dr. Scott's channel? Nice to see you here as well. 😊 I have mostly liked your comments and now I found out that you are a fellow infj. 😂
@@klpuhelin2816 Wow! That's pretty funny! Good to meet you. 😂
I’ve struggled making friends, happier being a hermit isn’t better. Simply put, I’m so tired of nurturing potential.
Thank you 🌸
Oh yes-I can’t stand it when I’m getting negative feelings from someone close to me. I do so many things to arrange my life to avoid that. My therapist reminded me: I am not in control of other people’s feelings and subverting my needs and wants to try to avoid negative responses in others doesn’t serve anyone, namely me! But it’s still so hard to deal with. I’m learning.
It’s why I don’t have so many. And why I avoid a lot of folks these days. It all started with my covert narc mother, of course. I don’t get a lot of the mean girls anymore as I used to and you have to watch out for users also. When you’re “too nice” some like to take advantage.
I’ve had a few extreme ones. Like I said. My mother was the first. Active saboteurs. I used to get it at work a lot. Some female (often middle management) got jealous and came after me to try and smear me and social bully me and turn others against me. Try to get the boss to think badly of me. Attempt publicly shaming and humiliating me. Etc. I used to run away from job to job until I finally got fed up having to do that Bcuz of some mean girl work bully. Finally squared off with it and them and said ENOUGH!!!
I came up on the test as INFJ but also scored almost as high on INTP.
Idk if I’ve gone off of some bad cliff or just “graduated” lol. Bcuz nowadays I tend to be far more cynical about most people rather than idealistic. If they’re not trying to do you in or betraying you or making your life a living hell, you’re very lucky. And many times it’s like ok. Just wait for it. Humans will always disappoint seems like. You’re pretty dang lucky if you even have one or two who don’t massively disappoint. I don’t think it’s “shutting down” as much anymore as it is just knowing I just don’t want it in my life. And I feel like whatever. It’s better to be alone than in bad company. And so many times I wind up enjoying solo adventures a lot more than when I was running around with these ridiculous kind of people. Plus it’s like I just make a point now to put me first. I consider how much I want to do or can do for others and I also consider what’s in it for me? If I don’t get a good answer, I decline. And I decline a LOT of offers and requests simply Bcuz I already know I won’t have fun. I won’t get much out of it. It won’t enrich me. And I know I’m not “special” to these folks. I can be so easily replaced. They don’t like ME, they just like what they can get from me. I choose not to be just some generic plug or hole filler anymore. They don’t want to be my friend eh? They just want their own needs met. (Whether that is having someone to feel superior to or using someone for whatever they can get out of them or to fill some lonely void or relieve their boredom or rescue them or help them dodge responsibility or have you run off with them into fantasy land to avoid real life). So guess what? That is NOT my problem. Lol.
And just accepting the fact that my personality just doesn’t need so much “hyper socialization” anyways. If you ask me society is whack. So many people think we have to have 20 friends, a husband, a lot of relatives and always be running around all the time with other people. If we don’t then they say we’re weird or something is wrong with us. I think they’re just flat out wrong about that. Lol. I don’t want a man. I don’t want 20 friends. And I certainly don’t want my toxic family. JOMO is better than FOMO any day of the week. And what of it? Lol. Says the overly social person whose life is a train wreck anyways. Like I’m gonna take relationship advice from someone like that. As if. 🙄
You have described my relational life with such precision, thank you.
So I came to a point where I had to make it clear that we are not friends to people. If we have not talked about it and agreed that we will pursue friendship then we are not friends.
Being close or working together does not automatically make us friends. I actually ask people to be friends with me if I'm interested in them. So far I have asked 3. I married one of them.
They have to be thoroughly vetted first before I can make myself vulnerable to them. The way I explain it is that being close makes us "friendlies", not friends. Some people have been hurt by this, but it's simply how I do life. Take it or leave it.
In my case I felt a moral obligation to a now deceased friend’s baby sister. I started off in a dynamic where she looked up to me and wanted my advice. Then she became this hyper competitive snarky cat, very self absorbed and more and more talking me down and minimalizing my value as a person.
Best explanation of this dynamic I've ever heard. Thank you!
It's so serendipitous that you're posting this today! I was just talking to my partner today about some frenemies in my life, and how sad that makes me feel. I'm so happy you are speaking on this topic❤
I'm an INFP and I'm afraid I come off as a frenemy towards my INFJ friend. They're a working artist and a credit to the community, and I think you nailed simultaneous admiration, envy, and mixed communications I give them. We've had more closeness in the past, but I've been distant from them in 2024. I also feel like we both share an avoidance of perceived negative energy in our relationship. They've been welcoming towards me, but I'm the one who pulls away.
So what the hell am I supposed to do if I--the INFx--is the frenemy? TaKe CaRe oF mYsElF?
This is very very helpful information
Excellent video. Got me thinking 🤔..We don't consciously see the imbalance therefore we keep going on " autopilot ". Self awareness and self love is the key to change our negative patterns within connections..No more " bare minimums " ❤
All the time. I choose to initiate my friendships bc i don't trust the other way around bc allways it ends in a betrayal. Statistically safer and something i first experienced solo travelling.
super helpful!
Accuracy on point
Whooph! Bingo! So clear and helpful. Thankyou!
So glad I found you!!! In a new situation now and I am already hiding my light 😂, unfortunately this is family. Trying to decide what to do now because I refuse to live this way.
During spring I dumped family on the sidelines. With the words "I cannot fit into the smallness anymore, I refuse to do it!".
I do not regret. Rather leave a legacy worth of what? A Million?
I'm not their toy anymore; my price is Truth, Freedom, Love. A tag most cannot afford, which can be pretty demoralizing.
Now I plan to summon my spiritual tribe. Only unconditional love or honest attempts. No more immature blind narcissist BS.
Good luck friend🤗❤
Man. This is so spot on and exactly my personal experience.
Wow, Lauren! So helpful. xo
So accurate
💯 %, dealing with a few now .
saving to show my therapist thank you and so much of this is true for me
Thanks Lauren. And now I get why I internalize all the 'faults' of my relationships!!!!
My mom gives me these sorts of mixed signals and its sort of traumatizing all over again. I have a pattern of wanting distance and then trying to get close again and each time I do, it feels like she wants me to exist as a specific role that serves her. When I came out as trans it landed her in the hospital, and as Ive transitioned shes very coldly supported me but maybe once told me my hair looked nice. Never said she liked my nails.
I push the feeling away a lot but it does feel obvious to me that she would rather me fit into a role that serves her needs. Its hurtful.
prime narcissist targets?
Just the idea that you get to have any needs has been destroyed .
Thank you
Very helpful video, ThankYou.
Thank you so much! ❤ This really resonnates with me. I now see it from a clearer perspective.
Very helpful. Thank you.
Thanks
She helped me so much when in a relationship with a sociopath. But when getting free and on my feet she changed, started playing games. My van broke down, basically sold for scrap. My sister gave me a new chevy blazer. My "friend" called me a "rich bitch" on 2 occasions. Previously she had never cussed in my presence. Makes no sense if I was rich, wouldn't need someone to help me. Same thing with my new apartment. Strange, must very envious of what I have.
Thank you so much for this video! reoccurring topic in my life!
I have experienced this once in my adult life. Holy moly is this accurate!
Someone told me they were INFJ but I felt they were jealous of me and also they once admitted that they compete with other women. Is it possible to be jealous of another INFJ when you are one?
Sounds strange. Then, the only other confirmed INTP I've known was a guy who I got along well generally, but is also a rare guy who I laid my hands on and we got heated. It was definitely some rare-personality-types-meet glitch.
Another thing I'd bring up is self-awareness or consciousness. Some people are spiritually awake and others aren't. This modulates the personality trait expression and defines if "there's anyone home there?" when we meet a person. Deeply unawakened sleepwalkers are toxic no matter what type they are.
Thank you so much for such helpful information. It is so resonant with what I have been going through for so very long! This came to me at the most perfect time. 🙏🏻👍❤️ I am interested in your workshop!
agree in many ways. But I am feeling too old, Meaning TIME, to play games, or `1/2 friendship.. $$$ money to join workshop . I borrow someone's internet to even see your POD CAST I can NOT AFFORD A PHONE because my budget is tissue paper thin. Either are supplies, to work on my book, or phone.
My dad was real big on that sabotage thing. With me.
Sad
Healthy people do not allow toxic people in thier life, narcissists do.❤
Frenemie or narcissist?
Bleh. Ive done this unfortunately
🤦♂️
🙃
Bring on the negative energy. I dish it back b,/c I know they are overly sensitive, introverted narcissists.
They can't be authentic, bold, artistic and a social butterfly like me.
I dislike introverts. Too boring for my liking. I crave excitement with other b/c I'm extroverted.
You have a big ego i think. Introverts can be extreme funny epic and wild.😂 advantage 😂 i am.infj like everybody have narcs introvertd and extraverts ambiverts. But mabey you little scared for going inside yourself? Its posible 😊 narcs like infj they the best fuckers 😂😂😂
I think you are negative 😂 i am infj have extravert introvert ambivert and narcs. I think you little bit scared for going inside in quitte times most people seek distriction for not feeling inside😂 but introvert can be funny epic and wild best fuckers also 😂 i think you have little big ego and advantage 😅 and we can do the doorslam 😂 crush people their ego end trigger them thats funny 😂 feel absorb and analyse others their feelings emotions read people and more 😂 we are the most rare also😂
Lol so what are you looking for on an introvert channel?
Was it ur mother or father that hurt you? It’s okay. You’re not alone