Answer what Dr. Markman calls their “bids”positively, right? Like: Partner: “Ooh look at the birds out this window” You: “yeah, oh, those are nice” [moving closer to get a better look out the window] What are those, Parakeets? Robins?” Partner: “Hummingbirds! Look at how fast their wings flap!” You: “Yeah, wow! Amazing!” *smiles at how much Partner knows about birds* Instead of: Partner: “Look at those birds!” You: “Who cares about those lousy sky rats?! My feet are sore! I gotta get these shoes off so you can rub my feet” Or whatever… Right?
Amazing post! My wife and I recently discussed our relationship, and I advised I don’t expect her to agree with me on my option; however, I would like her respect my feelings. Now I realize I asked for validation. I told her that I feel isolated. This entire video hit me hard. 😢
This is right on it for me. I think giving validation is what my husband is asking for, and I want to do that. It might be the answer for a very difficult place in our marriage of 50 years. Pretty sad it’s taken me so long. Thanks.
Thank you for this. I struggle with communicating my heart to my husband sometimes and he gets angry. My natural response is indicative of my nurture not my true nature in Christ. It is my hope that everyone prospers as their soul (mind, will, and intellect) prospers. There is a way that seems right unto a man but in the end it leads to destruction, (ask me how I know). I lived my life for the approval of others all in efforts to make them feel comfortable while compromising my own convictions. I've been a whore, I've been a liar, I've sinned too. We ALL have. I know I'm not better than anyone...the wages of sin is death BUT the GIFT of God is eternal life. I've cut people with my words, which is why I stopped singing and going out. When I started cutting people with my words, I stopped talking...I'd rather not talk than to hurt more people. I know how it feels to be bullied which is why I stopped hanging out with my classmates. They treated me like I was invisible so I felt I had to make myself visible by competing and being the best. I accepted last place as punishment with grace. There is freedom in confessing your faults one to another, that's how we heal. Matthew 6:33 "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all of it's righteousness and ALL things will be added unto you." Gay literally means happy, it's the pride that God doesn't like that's why he gives grace to the humble and resists the proud because prideful people feel like they don't need G.R.A.C.E (God's Righteousness at Christ's Expense shout out to Propaganda). I ask my husband all the time to forgive me for saying things out of anger, and he does but not without me feeling bad for it. I have to watch how I T.A.L.K (Tone. Articulation. Language. Kindness) to him because I want him to be treated with love and respect. I'm so grateful for the people of God who love me past the worst parts of myself in order to reflect the glory of God. He has a standard that we must follow and that is his Torah, not because he's mean but because he loves us and it's better for us.
Great content! Validation is acknowledging your partners experience! So glad you said it because my husband wasn’t receiving this statement from me🤷🏽♀️ Lol!!! When there is conflict between my spouse and I, I often want to find a resolve that will give structure so this type of conflict can be avoided but when you do not feel understood or empathized by your spouse there will be no resolution. Conflict resolution occurs when validation has taken place! Absolutely! Your advise and Godly council is helping me which helps us validate our marriage experience! Thank you so much❤️
Wonderful!! I sorta laughed thru some of it, but not in the sense of anything negative, but sorta laughed because I was thinking, "BINGO! You are nailing it!" Conflict between my husband and I have been absolutely toxic and nothing ever seems to get resolved, anger flares and we end up walking away ticked off at each other. Yep. I mean OFTEN. What you explain may sound all twisted to anyone that has never "been there, done that," but you're absolutely 100% correct in how you laid this all out! Beautiful job! Thanks! Will I share with my husband? Yep😊
Insecurely attached people lack the attunement needed to validate their partners. They get triggered and their own shit blocks their ability to see others
Hey, thanks for this. Every other video on validation is concerning validating a spouse's feelings about a scenario not directly related to the couple. Which I don't struggle as much with. Its how to react without problem solving or defense when my boyfriend feels that I seem disinterested or uncaring about his feelings, how to validate his feelings concerning MY behavior when I meant no harm. Tricky business for me.
That can be tricky business for sure. Glad this video resonated with where you are!! This is tough if your natural tendency is to be a problem solver. Maybe ask your boyfriend to start a conversation with “I’m not looking for a solution but just want to chat with you about something” so you’re clear on what he needs for you in that moment
@@RelationShots this is good advice, and I brought that up just yesterday! I think he considers me unwilling to make space to listen to his experience when really I just unconsciously respond in the way I naturally consider showing that I care. I would absolutely find the patience to listen and reflect if I were given guidance in the moment that its what was needed (generally I find out what was expected or hoped of me once its "too late." I subscribed and I'm enjoying the videos- Mahalo!
@@susandennis4549 Yeah, that makes sense. Maybe you have to default to validating and not problem solving in the majority of conversations and then he’ll have to ask when he actually does want help with a solution
@@RelationShots this is my last comment for the day and I don't expect a response- im just throwing it out to you as someone who makes videos with this kind of content and clearly cares about people's hardships. 1- I watched 4 videos before I heard you bring up Christianity and the Church. I am a Christian and I'm stoked by the way you handle the subjects you're discussing as a believer. 2- The brunt of my current and past relationship issues stem from being a woman who seems to be wired in ways that are traditionally seen as masculine. Its the only brain I know so I dont feel broken within myself, but in relationships there's a constant sense of things being backwards that makes things more complicated. My personality tends to attract more emotionally open and sensitive men, which im happy about. I admire and am balanced by these qualities- but in conflict so much information is seen as the way the woman works and responds and the way the man does. In order for the content to land it would almost require my partner to embrace their emotional intelligence and sensitivity and be comfortable with identifying as the feminine role in the scenario. This does not come easily for men who are pressured constantly to be as manly as possible and have been taunted in their lives for these same traits. The best route would be to set aside the assumed gender specific expectations and see each other as people, but the more you try to study and learn, to seek helpful information on communication- the more obvious it is that we have to accept that the male targeted content sounds exactly like me and the "feminine" perspective is almost verbatim to his. It's just a lonely place. INTJ women are 1 in 200. I've never quite fit in, and I didnt mind until being willing to work for a healthy relationship and realizing how complicated I make things without being able to help it. Rant over.
@@susandennis4549 That makes a lot of sense and I understand how your God-given temperament makes it hard to identify with the “traditionally feminine” roles or tendencies. This is part of why making videos that can practically help people is so difficult. Everyone is so different and every relationship is unique. The key to healthy relationship is finding the rhythm and dynamic that works best for the two people in that relationship. Some principles are universal but the application of different tools and concepts is so nuanced based on the makeup of the two people in the relationship.
Depends on the nature and atmosphere of the current conversation. If it’s not contentious or emotionally charged, you might do it right away. If it is then you might wait a day or for another time it would be better received
What are some things you can do specifically to validate your significant other?
Quaylec Icard You got friends and family so you can always practice there!
Answer what Dr. Markman calls their “bids”positively, right?
Like:
Partner: “Ooh look at the birds out this window”
You: “yeah, oh, those are nice” [moving closer to get a better look out the window] What are those, Parakeets? Robins?”
Partner: “Hummingbirds! Look at how fast their wings flap!”
You: “Yeah, wow! Amazing!” *smiles at how much Partner knows about birds*
Instead of:
Partner: “Look at those birds!”
You: “Who cares about those lousy sky rats?! My feet are sore! I gotta get these shoes off so you can rub my feet” Or whatever…
Right?
@@brightpage1020 You got it!! And good knowledge of bird species! 🤣
Your insights are always so right on!!!!
“We do a lot of things to overcomplicate our relationships…”
Lol
Amazing post! My wife and I recently discussed our relationship, and I advised I don’t expect her to agree with me on my option; however, I would like her respect my feelings. Now I realize I asked for validation. I told her that I feel isolated. This entire video hit me hard. 😢
Glad you found some value in it!
This is right on it for me. I think giving validation is what my husband is asking for, and I want to do that.
It might be the answer for a very difficult place in our marriage of 50 years. Pretty sad it’s taken me so long. Thanks.
Never too late! Look for moments to validate and see if that softens and opens his heart.
Great bridge in presenting Validation as being the key/path to Restoration which is God's desire for relationships.
Thanks Willy!!
Thank you for this. I struggle with communicating my heart to my husband sometimes and he gets angry. My natural response is indicative of my nurture not my true nature in Christ. It is my hope that everyone prospers as their soul (mind, will, and intellect) prospers. There is a way that seems right unto a man but in the end it leads to destruction, (ask me how I know). I lived my life for the approval of others all in efforts to make them feel comfortable while compromising my own convictions. I've been a whore, I've been a liar, I've sinned too. We ALL have. I know I'm not better than anyone...the wages of sin is death BUT the GIFT of God is eternal life. I've cut people with my words, which is why I stopped singing and going out. When I started cutting people with my words, I stopped talking...I'd rather not talk than to hurt more people. I know how it feels to be bullied which is why I stopped hanging out with my classmates. They treated me like I was invisible so I felt I had to make myself visible by competing and being the best. I accepted last place as punishment with grace. There is freedom in confessing your faults one to another, that's how we heal. Matthew 6:33 "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all of it's righteousness and ALL things will be added unto you." Gay literally means happy, it's the pride that God doesn't like that's why he gives grace to the humble and resists the proud because prideful people feel like they don't need G.R.A.C.E (God's Righteousness at Christ's Expense shout out to Propaganda). I ask my husband all the time to forgive me for saying things out of anger, and he does but not without me feeling bad for it. I have to watch how I T.A.L.K (Tone. Articulation. Language. Kindness) to him because I want him to be treated with love and respect. I'm so grateful for the people of God who love me past the worst parts of myself in order to reflect the glory of God. He has a standard that we must follow and that is his Torah, not because he's mean but because he loves us and it's better for us.
Great content! Validation is acknowledging your partners experience! So glad you said it because my husband wasn’t receiving this statement from me🤷🏽♀️ Lol!!!
When there is conflict between my spouse and I, I often want to find a resolve that will give structure so this type of conflict can be avoided but when you do not feel understood or empathized by your spouse there will be no resolution. Conflict resolution occurs when validation has taken place! Absolutely!
Your advise and Godly council is helping me which helps us validate our marriage experience! Thank you so much❤️
Awesome! So glad it was helpful.
Great content as always!
THE BEAT by Allen Parr Thanks AP!
Wonderful!!
I sorta laughed thru some of it, but not in the sense of anything negative, but sorta laughed because I was thinking, "BINGO! You are nailing it!"
Conflict between my husband and I have been absolutely toxic and nothing ever seems to get resolved, anger flares and we end up walking away ticked off at each other. Yep. I mean OFTEN. What you explain may sound all twisted to anyone that has never "been there, done that," but you're absolutely 100% correct in how you laid this all out! Beautiful job! Thanks!
Will I share with my husband? Yep😊
Awesome Lisa. Maybe some clarity for both of you can lead to more listening and understanding...and less conflict!!
Insecurely attached people lack the attunement needed to validate their partners. They get triggered and their own shit blocks their ability to see others
Hey, thanks for this. Every other video on validation is concerning validating a spouse's feelings about a scenario not directly related to the couple. Which I don't struggle as much with. Its how to react without problem solving or defense when my boyfriend feels that I seem disinterested or uncaring about his feelings, how to validate his feelings concerning MY behavior when I meant no harm. Tricky business for me.
That can be tricky business for sure. Glad this video resonated with where you are!! This is tough if your natural tendency is to be a problem solver. Maybe ask your boyfriend to start a conversation with “I’m not looking for a solution but just want to chat with you about something” so you’re clear on what he needs for you in that moment
@@RelationShots this is good advice, and I brought that up just yesterday! I think he considers me unwilling to make space to listen to his experience when really I just unconsciously respond in the way I naturally consider showing that I care. I would absolutely find the patience to listen and reflect if I were given guidance in the moment that its what was needed (generally I find out what was expected or hoped of me once its "too late."
I subscribed and I'm enjoying the videos- Mahalo!
@@susandennis4549 Yeah, that makes sense. Maybe you have to default to validating and not problem solving in the majority of conversations and then he’ll have to ask when he actually does want help with a solution
@@RelationShots this is my last comment for the day and I don't expect a response- im just throwing it out to you as someone who makes videos with this kind of content and clearly cares about people's hardships.
1- I watched 4 videos before I heard you bring up Christianity and the Church. I am a Christian and I'm stoked by the way you handle the subjects you're discussing as a believer.
2- The brunt of my current and past relationship issues stem from being a woman who seems to be wired in ways that are traditionally seen as masculine. Its the only brain I know so I dont feel broken within myself, but in relationships there's a constant sense of things being backwards that makes things more complicated. My personality tends to attract more emotionally open and sensitive men, which im happy about. I admire and am balanced by these qualities- but in conflict so much information is seen as the way the woman works and responds and the way the man does. In order for the content to land it would almost require my partner to embrace their emotional intelligence and sensitivity and be comfortable with identifying as the feminine role in the scenario. This does not come easily for men who are pressured constantly to be as manly as possible and have been taunted in their lives for these same traits. The best route would be to set aside the assumed gender specific expectations and see each other as people, but the more you try to study and learn, to seek helpful information on communication- the more obvious it is that we have to accept that the male targeted content sounds exactly like me and the "feminine" perspective is almost verbatim to his. It's just a lonely place. INTJ women are 1 in 200. I've never quite fit in, and I didnt mind until being willing to work for a healthy relationship and realizing how complicated I make things without being able to help it. Rant over.
@@susandennis4549 That makes a lot of sense and I understand how your God-given temperament makes it hard to identify with the “traditionally feminine” roles or tendencies. This is part of why making videos that can practically help people is so difficult. Everyone is so different and every relationship is unique. The key to healthy relationship is finding the rhythm and dynamic that works best for the two people in that relationship. Some principles are universal but the application of different tools and concepts is so nuanced based on the makeup of the two people in the relationship.
Facts.
Really great advice
Glad it resonated with you!
meanwhile literally all conventional relationship advice is how needing emotional validation is toxic.
Wanting your spouse to validate your feelings and experiences in the relationship is toxic?
Dropping jewels!
Thanks OC!
After you validate when do you get into the facts? How and when do you start to talk about the facts?
Depends on the nature and atmosphere of the current conversation. If it’s not contentious or emotionally charged, you might do it right away. If it is then you might wait a day or for another time it would be better received
@@RelationShots if you wait a day or two how would you start up the conversation? What would you say? Thanks
@@Be.love.Be.present. maybe something like, “do you have a minute to talk? I’d like to revisit the conversation we had the other day about…”
👏👏👏🔥🔥🔥
So Christian men all need soul patches these days? Ugh. So glad I fled the church years ago. I have missed nothing.
Haha. Only those of us who can’t grow beards 😂