Triangulation: The Signs You Can't Ignore | Psychotherapy Crash Course
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- Опубликовано: 4 июл 2024
- Feeling manipulated or as if you are experiencing triangulation can catch like wild fire in unhealthy families.
Family manipulation (or triangulation) can often come in the form of gossip, backbiting, telling too much information, or snooping around for details.
This behavior can cause lack of trust and destroy your family relationships because of how sneaky and insidious this triangulation can be.
It can also cause you to feel betrayed, unloved, and even confused.
Triangulation can also be:
1. intentional triangles (because of anger, resentment, arrogance, revenge, etc) OR
2. un-intentional triangles (i.e., in the case of getting advice or searching for validation), and cause years of damage.
In this video, I discuss family manipulation in the form of triangulation.
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DISCUSSED IN THIS VIDEO:
0:00 intro
1:20 the dilemma of relationship triangulation
1:56 patterns of triangulation isn't clearly understood
2:35 family triangulation roles you may play (victim, persecutor, rescuer)
2:53 un-intentional triangulation isn't evil or sneaky
4:19 intentional triangulation is sneaky and evil (the drauma triangle is laden with drama)
6:02 how a triangle functions in complex relationships
6:17 what a manipulative person does using intentional triangluation
6:25: they use psychological urgency
7:29 they communicate with you and others with exaggerated terms, emotions, & thoughts
8:09 frequent attempts to "capture you"
8:29 no recognition of emotions
8:55 they gas light, stonewall, and use defense mechanisms
9:04 they are smug and arrogant
9:42 multiple attempts to "team up" with you OR someone else
10:17 a lack of privacy for the true "victim"
10:34 attempts to "chip away" at your life and independence
11:35 psychological entitlement and testing of your boundaries
11:56 sneaky behind-the-scene behavior and emotional blackmail
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I'm Támara, a licensed and internationally/Board certified trauma mental health therapist, with over 14 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness. I also treat psychological/emotional trauma in children, teens, and adults.
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I remember recognizing this as a child. I had a huge family of aunts & uncles & cousins. Of course I had my favorites. Somehow my business would end up with my mother and I remember she’d say “a little bird told her”.
My family was
using triangulation since I was born.
I hate that saying "a little bird told me..." Just stop talking about everyone else. Triangulation can seriously break up a family. I once had a family where triangulation was the foundation of how the family communicated anything to each other. It's a very immature way of passivity and communication. I'm sorry you had to experience this.
My mother is the queen of triangulation. And that includes adding in secondhand information where many facts and truths are left out. My mother can't be a mature adult and talk to anyone she thinks has wronged her. But she has no problem causing drama, chaos and problems with her gossip involving everyone else. She purposely involves and inserts herself in issues that have nothing to do with her. She enjoys the attention she gets out of it. It's called a coward. Can never have a one on one conversation about "her" problem with others. That's her way of attempting to one up and make herself appear to be better than others. It's very sad.
This is so tough. I'm sorry.
People like this often cause bigger storms than they need to just because they hide behind everyone else. She may know what she is doing but doesn't have the emotional maturity and skills to change her ways. She may also need someone to call her out on this behavior.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you. I went No contact Jan 1st of this year with her. She knows exactly what she's done. I'm a 53yr old grown woman, mother of 2 adult sons and a grandson. She has also attempted to undermine me as a parent and human being last year. I can't talk to her about anything she has done. I've been hung up on, dismissed, gaslit, and blameshifted. She hears nothing about how I feel or about the truth. She lives a life of delusion. She thrives on drama, inserting herself to cause more drama because that's what gets others supply and attention. A huge supply and attention was removed. I removed myself from her game. I'm not a pawn, nor are my son's and grandchild. I would love to go to counseling with her. She would never agree to that. Can't help somebody that refuses to admit fault and refuses to self reflect.
Hmm, interesting question. Well I obviously would prefer a loving, supportive family rather than a toxic one where more than one person is trying to dominate. Weird thing in my family is not only do they not support, they'll rarely accept any kind of emotional support too. Vunerability is seen as a sign of weakness.
I agree this is urgent information needed .
Yes indeed😢
I want to view this asap good thing it’s only few days left from now ❤
My mother n law never keeps our privacy. When we tell her things everyone knows in a months time
I remember you telling me this on a call we had some time ago. This is her modus operandi. She is built to communicate this way.
The other extreme to this is nobody talks about anything meaningful.
You are exactly right about when confidentialities are broken and when people badmouth each other. But I’ve also been in situations where everything is kept in the dark because it’s too hard to deal with openly- even in a group. Just my husband and I and our blended family and their families are 31 people. One of our family members, an in-law, went for 6 1/2 years without speaking to us for no reason whatsoever. His children noticed, and nothing was ever said about it. Sometimes I feel like the elephant in the room just needs to be called out.
Can’t wait for this to drop! Thank you for your work. I’ve been studying with your videos bc I believe my wife is in this situation with her family, as does she, but we haven’t deep dived into the topic yet. I decided to begin that process today and the discoveries have been heart breaking and necessary. Thank you!
That is awesome! Thank you. And You're welcome!
I'm glad you found my videos/channels. Sounds like you both would benefit. It's so sad when you look at these videos and see yourself or your family heritage. I've seen it many times myself.
I welcome you guys to my live chats on Friday after 6:00pm!
Been waiting for weeks😅
@@TherapistTamaraHillthank you for this its much needed
Yep my entire family does this to me. They don’t consider it gossip if it’s talking about you “out of concern”
My mom is a manipulative pathological lier who is always trying to push my back against a wall to make rash decisions so she can control me. Also will make huge deals if i express the slightest emotions. I have to keep her shut out of my personal life for peace. She is trying to force guilt me into living with her because shes says she is 74 and cant take care of herself but its just for control. I appreciate your channel so much its been so helpful
Thank you! And I'm so glad you are finding videos of value including the communication on the channel. If you haven't already, I encourage you to join me live when everyone is in the chat box and there is great support going forth. You might really like that.
And I'm sorry about your mom. It's really difficult having a mother who is manipulative because your automatic thoughts about a mother is anything other than manipulative. They are supposed to be the "Mother's Day" mother's we all dream of, not the mother from the movie Mommie Dearest. I'm coming back to the topic of difficult mothers soon.
I appreciate you Tamara and all of the support that you give to us your viewers. I haven't been able to make it to your live chats for a few months but I am here now and happy to see you! You offer so much great insights into toxic family relationship. I am struggling with a mother that is a huge triangulator as well as an enabler to my father. My siblings see this just her way of being loving but I see it as a terrible way to try to keep a family united. Triangulation is horrible and I didn't realize this is what has been happening in my family since my parents decided against better their judgement to bring children into the world. If anything triangulation has kept our family torn apart for decades. It's so sad and it hurts so much.
Thank you Jiminvjin2982! ☺ I'm really glad that I can be of help. It sounds like your siblings may be blind to her behaviors or just simply can't imagine their mother being this way. I'm sorry you are going through this. I like that you highlight that "...triangulation has kept our family torn apart for decades...." That's exactly what it does -- unintentionally and intentionally. It's poison. Your best bet is to stay far far away from the culprit and decide what you will and will not tell her.
A topic we can relate to. Nothing you teach Tamara is not heavy to learn thanks to you. I can't get enough of your lessons 😌
I'm so glad! Thank you. 😊
I wish I would have found your channel years ago. Thank you for all the hard work that's brought you to this point. What you do matters.💜
Thank you so much! ☺ That's humbling.
And you're welcome. Glad I can be of help somewhere in this world. Glad to have you on the channel and welcome!
I’m in those situations often. Large family.
Sometimes we just need a talk to a friend. I don’t necessarily think that is wrong.
Great video!
Thank you!!
Thank YOU for the valuable insight.
Glad it was helpful! You're welcome!!
😂don't forget uncles cousins the checkout lady at the grocery store and the neighbors who stop by for coffee and the grand finale the church you belong to 👍🏼
hahahahahaha😂
MY INLAWS, they are disgusting. Theres no other way to describe it.
I'm sorry. That's really tough when the culprit are in-laws. Keep in mind that triangulation may occur unintentionally too. They may not know what they are doing.
My sisters have put me in the role as a victim, and then accuse me of being a victim. How does one resolve this? I’ve already gone no contact with the abuser, but I am growing more and more distant with the other sister that didn’t have my back. This is not a comforting solution.
The histrionics in every corner of that triangle!
🙈🙊 Well...this is a triangle that tends to occur among cluster b personality traits (the borderline personality, antisocial personality, narcissistic personality, and histrionic personality).
Might I add I believe some in these families over the years just actually do it because they enjoy it... Almost textbook dark triad narcissistic supply.. control etc. All you have to do is walk in the room and breathe around them and thats all they need. Just existing
I have had strangers in our town approach me telling me their strong feelings on those family members I should be better to or give money to or should do this or that. It's truly maddening...can drive you to drink and even want to check out after years of this garbage and those reactions can be just enough for them to use that against you as well
😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
Your CUFAC wristband and Life Is A Gift pen should arrive there Wednesday.
Enough ca$h shall resolve that feeling.
Location, location, LOCATION.
Great insights, thank you! Do you have a video about what to do when family and friends have zero empathy towards us and do things that contribute to something that negatively impacts our lives and when we call them out on their BS they lie about what they did, gaslight and refuse to take responsibility for their role in impacting us? Or if you don't have a video could you make one? I'm a caregiver and my health had been impacted greatly by my sister's refusal to help my parents in any meaningful way and my parent's refusal to find sufficient people to be their caregivers (mom when she was alive insisted that I be the *only* one to take care of her). Both parents ignored me when I told them I needed a break to take care of my own health.
Thank you! And you're welcome!
The only video I think I have on this is a video about when parents simply don't care about their adult children. Here it is: ruclips.net/video/3K01N4MMKOw/видео.html.
But I will certainly incorporate your thoughts here into either a live chat or video coming up soon.
And I'm sorry to hear this has happened. It's terrible when you are crying out for help and your family simply doesn't care.
@TherapistTamaraHill I wouldn't mind seeing this topic either my mom is trying to force sole care giving on me. And she is not even ill for physically disabled. But controlling and manipulative
I'm so sorry. No one expects their parents to be this way. This topic is on the list!
My family 4(sisters) and their families triangulated manipulated entitlement against each other.
I'm pretty sure this is happening right now, lucky I blocked a lot of people who I assume are involved (I hope the person after me won't see this comment, I hope they lost interest).
Crazy things started happening with a former female friend of mine of almost 20 years (we never had anything resembling a romantic relationship, I looked at her as sort of a big sister as she is a little over 15 years older than me, we started hanging out when I was 19...). I don't even want to get into too many details as it actually scares me...
I hope I'm not exaggerating, but god help me, she even reminds me a lot of Charles Manson(!!!), the way she picked out friends and especially romantic partners (I don't remember her once picking a man that was remotely close to her age or older than her, and not only that, they all had fatal flaws that made them weak for their age (I for instance was very, very shy when we started socializing)),, even her gestures and body language are so eerily similar to Charles Manson in his interviews, that "demonic teddy bear" way of communicating who makes goofy faces while doing insanely evil things. I don't remember her ever having a normal reaction to anything for the life of me....
My 2 cents, I hope hope hope this isn't seen and that the person involved loses interest and doesn't cause any more damage to anyone, I just had to say this somewhere...
I very recently began putting together possible scenarios of my dysfunctional childhood. I did not know of triangulation between mother, child and father. Toss in both a male child and a female child. Each parent has the child of the opposite sex with whom to have some sort of bizarre covert emotional incest relationship. What is the name for this setup? I think I'm looking for a theoretical explanation that enables me to put together the circumstances of my situation.Also, how do these situations effect the emotional lives of children as they have relationships later in life with boyfriends or girl friends?
Brad Shore on here breaks down the impacts of emotional incest and relationships. Check out some of his videos. It explained to me why I was always afraid of commitment.
I thought triangulation was a mother or father using a sibling against you as if you aren’t good enough.
It can be! Triangulation is any act that a family member engages in that creats a clear victim, persecutor, and rescuer. It could be used by parents, grandparents, etc.
🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
This happened with me once I cut my narcissistic mother off.
I'm sorry.😔
This video popped up on RUclips feed. Very thankful I clicked to listen. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience with us. It is much appreciated and helpful.🩵🪽
Glad it was helpful! You're welcome!! And thank you.
I welcome you to my Friday live chats where I teach a specific concept and the viewers get to participate too. Time is usually 6:45pm est!