What did it take for Abel to push past his grief and open his heart to Julianna? Get your free e-copy of Abel's memoir Room for Two and find out for yourself. Simply sign up for his newsletter to get the free copy of the book as well as the latest on his new books, videos, and other projects. More information at www.abelkeogh.com/newsletter-2/
Good advice.... I am experiencing this as well and it's hard. I'm a social worker and I know that communication is very important and I think we try and justify it, but you are right they are adult children and need to deal with their own issues and grief. I am divorced and I don't want to upset anyone on here ,but us divorced people did not get married to end a marriage...things happen and divorced people do what they need to do... my issue is that us divorced people also grieve....we have a loss and our hearts are broken..my point is they are still living and we can see them at anytime and talk about memories that come back. People need to understand that divorced people deal with grief, sadness and pain over and over because we can run into them or In some case deal with them often....with being a widow or widower...they are gone and in heaven...and you know you will not run into them in a store or at a gas station and memories come back and you continue to deal over and Over...it does not end with divorce.. I lost my mom 2 months ago and I understand loss and grief..lost my little brother many years ago ..I understand but people just need to realize if you are dating someone that is a widower or not that it's ok..and people/family need to stop judging and try to say to themselves what would I do ...or what would I need ...people can be cruel 😢 and they are self centered and don't look past their nose..it's sad really
Yes, widower needs to make new partner number one! We are a couple and we expect to attend events as a couple.My widower husband had a family friend who wouldn’t speak to me after meeting with her several times. She was influencing his adult daughters to do some unpleasant passive aggressive behavior. My husband said he was ready to move on from that relationship and be with me. It was a lot of working out and also did therapy . It was tough. The daughters are now at least respectful now if distant. My friends who knew the daughters and his deceased wife couldn’t believe they weren’t happier for their dad that he wasn’t lonely anymore. We married 7 years after his wife died and after we dated for 3 years. Don’t feel like they didn’t have enough,time to adjust. Thanks for your post!
I married a widower and his adult kids lost their minds because they thought I was going to get all of their inheritance if he died. They decided I was only here for the money. It took 10 years before I was able to crack their shells. We are great now, but it was a long 10 years. My husband died last year. His kids and I are still close. I love them like my own. I wish they had let me in sooner rather than later.
I mean that does happen so I do understand their apprehension. Time and again a stranger per se comes into your family and ends up with things that belonged to your mother and father. Glad you all worked it out
Congratulations on your close family ties and very sorry for loss of husband. I don’t think I will want to know my step family if my husband passes first. It’s been 10 years for us as well. Respectful now at least and they know we will both call them out if they are rude. They hardest thing was the younger daughter was horrible to my own grandchild , just nasty. Her father called her twice to say that her behavior towards my 18 month old grandson was unacceptable and needed to stop. My step daughter is 42 years old.
Do you have any advice as to how to crack their shell so it doesn't take 10 years? I try very hard to love my soon-to-be adult step-children as best I can, even when it's rejected or unappreciated. I think they like me as a person, but I know they don't respect me as their soon to be stepmother nor do they like seeing their dad with anyone other than their mom and they have verbally made that clear. Their mother passed 5 years ago and I have been with their dad for 3 years and engaged for the last year. My soon-to-be stepdaughter just asked me very boldly the other day if I knew if her father has a will yet because her and her two other adult siblings do not want to get screwed out of his will like they felt they were with their own mother's will. I was dumbfounded. I am not against him leaving his children things or money in his will, but I cannot get over the level of entitlement that these kids have. I just don't know how to lovingly broach this subject with their Dad. He would not be happy to hear of their behavior but I feel he has a right to know because I would want to know if my children asked my fiance the same thing. But, I don't want to be the cause of a wedge in his relationship with them, which is why she is probably trying to put me in the middle. I am also dealing with trying to get his home ready for me and my older teenage son to move in. His youngest adult son still lives there. He doesn't do or say anything to make my son feel welcome or invited nor do I even think they want him there which makes me so sad. They do not want any funeral decorations taken down or her decor to change or the house be updated but I am moving forward and painting today and took down alot of stuff because my widower said I could. Ugh. This is such an exciting time for me, getting a new start after a nasty divorce and everything from our first date to our proposal has been dealt with very negatively from his kids taking away what should be so joyful. I just wish they could be happy for their Dad and not try to drag him down and their never-ending grief when he's trying to move on. Thank you for any advice.
@@taylorsmith6393 , You are planning to marry and to take your teenage son into that hostile home environment. I understand that you want to remarry and move forward with your life but you must consider the environment and is it fair to subject your son to it or even yourself.
Abel..you’re such a good person to help us. To be so honest and open and I want you to know how much I appreciate you . Your advice is right on and it has helped me and I’m sure countless others. Bless you !!
My widower BF’s 35 yo daughter lives with him and he supports her. She won’t work or do anything around the house. She demands that I not be allowed on the property and he abides by it. Always makes excuses fir why I should not come over. It really hurts my feelings that he doesn’t stick up for me. Been dating over two years and she refuses to give me a chance and get to know me. Talk about dysfunction. Pretty much on my way out!
Yep I would Have zero tolerance for that. I’m about to leave my guy because his family runs his life !! I would Rather be alone than be second fiddle to all the family drama , memory objects all around, etc. I’ve asked him how he would feel if I put him in the same situation!!
What about the late wife’s anniversary. I had been very respectful for all past anniversary’s and had pretended I didn’t exist because that’s how they made me feel. But we had been in a serious relationship for nearly 5 years - so I was hoping I would be invited so that I could decline but I would at least know I was acknowledged as being his partner. Unfortunately his 19 year old daughter caused a lot of drama stating I wasn’t wanted there, even though I’d helped him clean the house and property in advance of the late wife’s anniversary gathering of all there friends and family. He said he stood up for me and tried but she wouldn’t have a bar of it. They couldn’t even tell me what was wrong with me that I couldn’t be invited, the rejection really hurt - and from then onwards it felt as though she was the wife not the daughter. Then everytime we would go out, she would ring and say she was scared and he had to go home, and this started happening more. Then on finishing university she planned on moving home, but no one thought I should be included in that conversation. He told me he had talked to her and everything was going to change and that we wouldn’t have to get permission from her to go on a date. I live in my own home with my teen children. She moved home and I only saw him 3 times in the following 9 weeks, in that time his mums health deteriorated - leading to her death. I felt very unwelcome so just stayed away apart from the funeral. My partner and his daughter had dealt with his late wife’s death so they were together for this death, as I haven’t experienced much death of a loved one - so apparently I don’t know anything, hence why I stayed away. Then his daughter finally had her 21st and he said she was going to stand on her own two feet, a week later she quit her full time job because she was exhausted and needed a break, while he paid for her life, and treated her like a queen. Finally she has gotten a job after two months and has moved away. Im a tolerant person - but by now I really have had a guts full. This whole ordeal has made me discover a had a childhood trauma with a narcissist mother and I was the scapegoat and my sister the golden child - triangulation - and my romantic relationship was exactly the same including being the scapegoat. I feel totally devastated - me and my partner just constantly argue because in the 6 years he has only put me first once and when he did she verbally abused him for over 20 minutes, to make sure he didn’t do it again. I think I still love him but not sure if he loves me - he only ever stands up for her - he never agrees with what I’m saying - even though she is spoilt. I have 3 kids (including twins) of my own, disciplined, loving kind adult kids, so I know that giving her all the privileges of a wife will do her no good, maybe he was hoping she would stay forever and take care of him like a wife, He thinks it’s only me who’s causing all the problems and not her, I’m too old to play games, I thought sharing was caring (him that is - with his daughter) and she needed to go get her own friends and stop acting like the wife and he needed to put his big boy pants on and act like a father. Even though she’s gone he can’t do anything with anything including all the late wife’s clothes, the whole house is full of her stuff but can’t do anything because he says daughter has to sort it all out, possibly another excuse. Still has her ashes in his car shed. Do I need to get out of this relationship? It’s hard to get a look in. He was really good until that dreaded anniversary - once I stood up for myself the competition was on, and I did not want to compete with his daughter so backed down 90% of the time - but think that has probably not done me any favours! And I thought it would be easier dating a widow compared to a divorcee - I thought - not as much baggage - I was so wrong!
I think one issue is children not realizing how uninvolved their dad actually was. Mom made all the get together, gifts etc happen. Dad just went along for the ride. All that dries up when Mom passes. It’s blamed on grief. Then, when dad meets someone new, all the time is spent with the new wife’s children and grandchildren because again, she is taking the reins and he just sits back. It gets interpreted as the new wife controlling and taking the dad, but actually the dad has been lazy all along and the kids never saw it because their Mom covered for the dad and protected the kids from that knowledge.
Adult children and extended family at times become passive aggressive with backed handed comments and sarcastic remarks. Bottom line as my love was told he was their father and their family ..
I disagree about inviting new boy or girl over , mom and dad want respect then mom and dad have to have mutual respect and why should the kids invite the new love? If anything the parent is trying to force upon the kids to accept no matter what, it more like the parent is making trouble.
Are you okay with a private meeting in another environment or are you just simply hostile to the idea that the widower is establishing a relationship with another woman?
What did it take for Abel to push past his grief and open his heart to Julianna? Get your free e-copy of Abel's memoir Room for Two and find out for yourself. Simply sign up for his newsletter to get the free copy of the book as well as the latest on his new books, videos, and other projects. More information at www.abelkeogh.com/newsletter-2/
Abel, you are out here saving lives. Thank you for everything. You have turned your pain into a ministry. Thank you again.
Good advice.... I am experiencing this as well and it's hard. I'm a social worker and I know that communication is very important and I think we try and justify it, but you are right they are adult children and need to deal with their own issues and grief. I am divorced and I don't want to upset anyone on here ,but us divorced people did not get married to end a marriage...things happen and divorced people do what they need to do... my issue is that us divorced people also grieve....we have a loss and our hearts are broken..my point is they are still living and we can see them at anytime and talk about memories that come back. People need to understand that divorced people deal with grief, sadness and pain over and over because we can run into them or In some case deal with them often....with being a widow or widower...they are gone and in heaven...and you know you will not run into them in a store or at a gas station and memories come back and you continue to deal over and Over...it does not end with divorce..
I lost my mom 2 months ago and I understand loss and grief..lost my little brother many years ago ..I understand but people just need to realize if you are dating someone that is a widower or not that it's ok..and people/family need to stop judging and try to say to themselves what would I do ...or what would I need ...people can be cruel 😢 and they are self centered and don't look past their nose..it's sad really
Yes, widower needs to make new partner number one! We are a couple and we expect to attend events as a couple.My widower husband had a family friend who wouldn’t speak to me after meeting with her several times. She was influencing his adult daughters to do some unpleasant passive aggressive behavior. My husband said he was ready to move on from that relationship and be with me. It was a lot of working out and also did therapy . It was tough. The daughters are now at least respectful now if distant. My friends who knew the daughters and his deceased wife couldn’t believe they weren’t happier for their dad that he wasn’t lonely anymore. We married 7 years after his wife died and after we dated for 3 years. Don’t feel like they didn’t have enough,time to adjust. Thanks for your post!
I married a widower and his adult kids lost their minds because they thought I was going to get all of their inheritance if he died. They decided I was only here for the money. It took 10 years before I was able to crack their shells. We are great now, but it was a long 10 years. My husband died last year. His kids and I are still close. I love them like my own. I wish they had let me in sooner rather than later.
I mean that does happen so I do understand their apprehension. Time and again a stranger per se comes into your family and ends up with things that belonged to your mother and father. Glad you all worked it out
Congratulations on your close family ties and very sorry for loss of husband. I don’t think I will want to know my step family if my husband passes first. It’s been 10 years for us as well. Respectful now at least and they know we will both call them out if they are rude. They hardest thing was the younger daughter was horrible to my own grandchild , just nasty. Her father called her twice to say that her behavior towards my 18 month old grandson was unacceptable and needed to stop. My step daughter is 42 years old.
@@lizzie1897, Bullies come in all ages and sizes. I glad that you spoke up and your had your back.
Do you have any advice as to how to crack their shell so it doesn't take 10 years? I try very hard to love my soon-to-be adult step-children as best I can, even when it's rejected or unappreciated. I think they like me as a person, but I know they don't respect me as their soon to be stepmother nor do they like seeing their dad with anyone other than their mom and they have verbally made that clear. Their mother passed 5 years ago and I have been with their dad for 3 years and engaged for the last year. My soon-to-be stepdaughter just asked me very boldly the other day if I knew if her father has a will yet because her and her two other adult siblings do not want to get screwed out of his will like they felt they were with their own mother's will. I was dumbfounded. I am not against him leaving his children things or money in his will, but I cannot get over the level of entitlement that these kids have. I just don't know how to lovingly broach this subject with their Dad. He would not be happy to hear of their behavior but I feel he has a right to know because I would want to know if my children asked my fiance the same thing. But, I don't want to be the cause of a wedge in his relationship with them, which is why she is probably trying to put me in the middle. I am also dealing with trying to get his home ready for me and my older teenage son to move in. His youngest adult son still lives there. He doesn't do or say anything to make my son feel welcome or invited nor do I even think they want him there which makes me so sad.
They do not want any funeral decorations taken down or her decor to change or the house be updated but I am moving forward and painting today and took down alot of stuff because my widower said I could. Ugh. This is such an exciting time for me, getting a new start after a nasty divorce and everything from our first date to our proposal has been dealt with very negatively from his kids taking away what should be so joyful. I just wish they could be happy for their Dad and not try to drag him down and their never-ending grief when he's trying to move on. Thank you for any advice.
@@taylorsmith6393 , You are planning to marry and to take your teenage son into that hostile home environment. I understand that you want to remarry and move forward with your life but you must consider the environment and is it fair to subject your son to it or even yourself.
Abel..you’re such a good person to help us. To be so honest and open and I want you to know how much I appreciate you . Your advice is right on and it has helped me and I’m sure countless others. Bless you !!
My widower BF’s 35 yo daughter lives with him and he supports her. She won’t work or do anything around the house. She demands that I not be allowed on the property and he abides by it. Always makes excuses fir why I should not come over. It really hurts my feelings that he doesn’t stick up for me. Been dating over two years and she refuses to give me a chance and get to know me. Talk about dysfunction. Pretty much on my way out!
I’m sorry but you are right to leave. He has chosen her happiness over yours. If it hasn’t improved in this amount of time then it’s not going too.
Run!!
Frankly, you stayed too long. I hope that you have since moved on to better things.
Yep I would
Have zero tolerance for that. I’m about to leave my guy because his family runs his life !! I would
Rather be alone than be second fiddle to all the family drama
, memory objects all around, etc. I’ve asked him how he would feel if I put him in the same situation!!
🤷♀You just described EXACTLY what I am going through!
What about the late wife’s anniversary.
I had been very respectful for all past anniversary’s and had pretended I didn’t exist because that’s how they made me feel. But we had been in a serious relationship for nearly 5 years - so I was hoping I would be invited so that I could decline but I would at least know I was acknowledged as being his partner. Unfortunately his 19 year old daughter caused a lot of drama stating I wasn’t wanted there, even though I’d helped him clean the house and property in advance of the late wife’s anniversary gathering of all there friends and family. He said he stood up for me and tried but she wouldn’t have a bar of it. They couldn’t even tell me what was wrong with me that I couldn’t be invited, the rejection really hurt - and from then onwards it felt as though she was the wife not the daughter. Then everytime we would go out, she would ring and say she was scared and he had to go home, and this started happening more. Then on finishing university she planned on moving home, but no one thought I should be included in that conversation. He told me he had talked to her and everything was going to change and that we wouldn’t have to get permission from her to go on a date. I live in my own home with my teen children. She moved home and I only saw him 3 times in the following 9 weeks, in that time his mums health deteriorated - leading to her death. I felt very unwelcome so just stayed away apart from the funeral. My partner and his daughter had dealt with his late wife’s death so they were together for this death, as I haven’t experienced much death of a loved one - so apparently I don’t know anything, hence why I stayed away. Then his daughter finally had her 21st and he said she was going to stand on her own two feet, a week later she quit her full time job because she was exhausted and needed a break, while he paid for her life, and treated her like a queen. Finally she has gotten a job after two months and has moved away. Im a tolerant person - but by now I really have had a guts full. This whole ordeal has made me discover a had a childhood trauma with a narcissist mother and I was the scapegoat and my sister the golden child - triangulation - and my romantic relationship was exactly the same including being the scapegoat. I feel totally devastated - me and my partner just constantly argue because in the 6 years he has only put me first once and when he did she verbally abused him for over 20 minutes, to make sure he didn’t do it again. I think I still love him but not sure if he loves me - he only ever stands up for her - he never agrees with what I’m saying - even though she is spoilt. I have 3 kids (including twins) of my own, disciplined, loving kind adult kids, so I know that giving her all the privileges of a wife will do her no good, maybe he was hoping she would stay forever and take care of him like a wife, He thinks it’s only me who’s causing all the problems and not her, I’m too old to play games, I thought sharing was caring (him that is - with his daughter) and she needed to go get her own friends and stop acting like the wife and he needed to put his big boy pants on and act like a father. Even though she’s gone he can’t do anything with anything including all the late wife’s clothes, the whole house is full of her stuff but can’t do anything because he says daughter has to sort it all out, possibly another excuse. Still has her ashes in his car shed. Do I need to get out of this relationship? It’s hard to get a look in. He was really good until that dreaded anniversary - once I stood up for myself the competition was on, and I did not want to compete with his daughter so backed down 90% of the time - but think that has probably not done me any favours!
And I thought it would be easier dating a widow compared to a divorcee - I thought - not as much baggage - I was so wrong!
Know the feeling!!!! Not worth it!!!
I think one issue is children not realizing how uninvolved their dad actually was. Mom made all the get together, gifts etc happen. Dad just went along for the ride. All that dries up when Mom passes. It’s blamed on grief. Then, when dad meets someone new, all the time is spent with the new wife’s children and grandchildren because again, she is taking the reins and he just sits back. It gets interpreted as the new wife controlling and taking the dad, but actually the dad has been lazy all along and the kids never saw it because their Mom covered for the dad and protected the kids from that knowledge.
Adult children and extended family at times become passive aggressive with backed handed comments and sarcastic remarks. Bottom line as my love was told he was their father and their family ..
I disagree about inviting new boy or girl over , mom and dad want respect then mom and dad have to have mutual respect and why should the kids invite the new love? If anything the parent is trying to force upon the kids to accept no matter what, it more like the parent is making trouble.
Are you okay with a private meeting in another environment or are you just simply hostile to the idea that the widower is establishing a relationship with another woman?