Hi #selfhealers, My apologies for the sound in this video. I didn't realize my mic was not connected until I uploaded the video. Sound will be a priority on the next batch of videos! Thank you for being here. Nicole
Thank you...Maybe you can have a do-over with this one. It seems like good info, but really difficult to absorb with the poor audio. I will try it with earphones though; thanks to Zach for the tip.
On point perspective!...my husband and I have gone through this. Initially in a trauma bond (not fun!). Once we worked out our own traumas thru individual therapy, the relationship we have now is unbelievable!!!! A much more mature relationship and I love the fact that we are not responsible for each other's happiness. Once you heal you can never go back to the old ways of relating with people/relationships. My only regret is I wish I had done this sooner!!! Warmest regards.
@@kimberlynorato135 ...sorry for the late reply, was on a much needed vacation!!!!....my trauma was not being good enough (people pleaser), wanting to "fix" my husband; only seeing him as I wished he could be and not for who he really was. I was controlling and had no boundaries. I was tired of controlling and was actually relieved when I learned that we can't control anyone. The biggest relief was learning that I'm not responsible for how others feel and that I could survive being/living alone. Once I accepted myself and that I was and always had been enough, I can accept others as that are; even if who they are is dysfunctional. I just let those people go in love and light without trying to fix them. I don't have to let them in my life. It is so freeing and a joy to just see people be themselves!. Wish you the best!!!!!
@@comfortablyawkward5555 .....you will. It's a lot of work but soooo worth it. It feels like I was reborn, and the trauma a very distant memory. I never knew life could be this much fun...don't give up I promise if you put the work in you won't regret it!...best of luck!!!!
Trying to bond with someone in trauma is bizarre because they don’t ever see you, they only see the trauma they are projecting on you. The more you try to love that person from outside of trauma, the more their trauma grows. I realized eventually there was nothing there for me but that person using me to confirm his trauma. Real love and authentic connection had no chance. That’s when it all ended because he couldn’t or wouldn’t face his trauma to heal. I literally had no idea this was going on and it took me four years to figure it out. The person in trauma wants to love and they do love but it is buried under the trauma which controls them and blocks all healthy connection. It’s like trying to get water from a well that has a concrete cap. The water is there, but you can’t get it out. With love this gets very confusing but love is recognized, as all things are, by its fruit. If there is no fruit after one season, there never will be unless that person commits to getting help from a healer. Now I’m free to find real love. Hard lesson.
Exactly, 100% my ex that I am trying to get over right now. I loved him so much but his traumas caused him to project so much. He practically expected me to cheat on him and scheme behind his back when I didn’t do anything to make him feel that way, he was going to feel that way no matter what I did. These ongoing arguments ultimately led to our downfall and it hurts so bad 😔
this put my last relationship that i left bc i didn't want to do the toxic cycle anymore and he kept wanting to stay in it for some reason.. it put it into a new perspective. i appreciate that.
A part of me wants to believe that there is hope for the loved to change but there's another logical part of me that knows people are who they are and must truly deeply consistently WANT to change. Its an ongoing uphill battle requiring great strength, tenacity, fortitude, decication, c ommittment, patience, desire, willingness and so much more......I wish him all the best but feel that he is stuck in bitter resentment of having to change, despite the part of him that wants to, he is more comfortable staying in his uncomfortable yet all too familiar zone. I realize it's his journey and I have my own struggles to focus on. I cannot change another but I can change myself. I have detached, to love him yet leave him. Perhaps that will spark or ignite him to change short term but long term change has not been his track record. If he can find someone who will accept him as he is that he deems worthy, enough said. My heart and head are conflicted just like him, we both know we have to let go as it's not working. Perhaps he will change long term......only time will tell
@@casperinsight3524 I agree. wanting to change is crucial. my partner didn't want to, it took me years to leave. I see us parting ways as another way to continue growing. sometimes you have to let go of smth or someone to grow-- sadly. Many times I ask myself what would have happened had he/we tried more. I still think he is an amazing person overall. I wish you all the best of luck and strength to leave the relationship if you haven't yet done so.
@@casperinsight3524 I dated someone exactly like this who 1st said I don't want anyone to change me, get married again ( for a 3rd x, had trauma bond from 2 past marriages, 1st wife murdered , 2nd wife cheated) or be in a committed relationship. Only wanted to be casual , didn't say but his actions existed as was. Keep me at bay, emotionally unavailable type, yet he yearned to have love in his life from a relationship /partner. His father was a drinker but not abusive, his mother barred 8 children, she was emotionally unavailable raising all tho he was 2nd to last child who eventually turned to become a gifted musical artist at a young age which filled his need of emotional neglect leading to a financially successful lifestyle. He buries his trauma bond of abandonment of childhood neglect to drinking & minor drug use, pot head & px meds he has to stay on for health issues. His need for romantic love is unfulfilled with different partners that never lasts from his trauma bonded marriages & chooses not to heal those wounds & buries it in his addictions. Still trying to find that need for abandoned love missing in his childhood & trauma bonds from one woman relationship to the next. Has a fearful & dismissive avoidant attachment style. Wonder if this guy will ever find the real love he's been searching for or requires. His love for his musicial passion will always be his main 1st priority. That fulfills his need for the abandonment he had in his childhood wounds. I became obsessed with him cause I had childhood wounds of emotional neglect as well from an alcoholic mother & a father who ended up passing away at an early age. I became an independent person but had 2 toxic relationships with alchoholic druggies..that trauma bonded me but I've healed myself from acceptance & understanding..& yet have that fear of abandonment from being anxious preoccupied & fearfully avoidant in any relationship that I encounter..tho my previous toxic one lasted 25 yrs from codependency til they passed away from the alcoholic issue..
Unless our parents were enlightened beings who meditated daily and really held space for their kids to have and express their needs, most people are traumatized.
@@CDuell even so,trauma is passed momentarily and all it takes is one insatance of stressed parent where they reacted and we made a decision about ourselves and how we occur in reality
Anytime I spot push-pull, mind games, highs, or any pattern I had been used to I almost immediately dump the person. It’s gotten easier as I keep reminding myself what my ideal relationship would look like, and what my boundaries are. So relevant. Earlier this year I burned a list with all the names of guys I was attracted to or dated in the past, and asked the universe for the opposite. I’m getting ready for it. Thank you 🙏🏻🤗
Carus Productions yes until you find this ideal partner and after couple of years it becomes boring and then you realize even more just how fucked up you are
You need to change yourself, not try to claim the problem is in the people you date. You are asking for universe to give you things? Thats magical thinking right there. You have issues, thats why you attract and are attracted to people who have issues. Healthy people are not interested in people burning lists and asking universe to give them stuff.
@@Nobody-Nowhere your overreaction to somebody else's ritual says more about you than about them. We all have different processes to focus our minds on what we want and how we want to change. Regardless of whether there's any magic in it, those symbolic actions are psychologically powerful. I hope that you have found ways to do the same, and I respect whatever processes work for you.
whats horrible is that because we experienced these traumas from the people we first bonded to, our caregivers, who where supposed to give us love and care but gave us abuse this abuse feels comforting. continuing these patterns feels comforting because it was the only love we received i find myself trying so hard to reparent myself but its difficult when im in regression states because it so strongly feels like i WANT abuse/self abuse, because it familiar, its comforting, it feels safest. its horrible and so hard. to feel like i want something that i dont want but this is why it happens again and again. and its so hard to break this cycle. Its poignant to me.. because all we want is safe clean love and we have been warped into being a mold that feels like it only fits with the toxic. I wish i can be strong enough to make better choices for myself.
Right on. It's crazy... I'm in the very exact position. U just have to keep reminding yourself that the healing is paramount over everything. It is our duty to ourselves to heal those wounds. To be awoken to our own traumas to break the cycle of inflicted suffering. We owe it to ourselves to be well, in order to receive and transmit the right relationships into our lives. It takes consistency, dedication, motivation and commitment. Awareness, acceptance, acknowledgement of our pain, trauma and wounds. We can do it. I made a commitment to myself this month that I will no longer to live my life receiving less than and as hard as I know the journey will be I know that there is better to come. I just have to do the work. I wish u well in your journey love and blessings.
@@justkeepbreathing3018 If you haven't been, check out Al Anon, it is worldwide, $2 donation, meetings in most cities. There's a great podcast called The Recovery Show and lots of open speakers on youtube. You're not alone. It may be something we always 'walk with'... the healthy stretches can increase if we just keep at it.
I really appreciate how you condense a lot of complex psychological issues into your videos and don't waste people's time as many creators of similar content do on RUclips. Really helpful, bite-size chunks of information which let people decide what they want to learn more about/get help with.
It's taken me several years of therapy and being out of my parent's home to realize this was the direction I was heading in -- replicating the dynamic between my mom and I. Thanks for the video. I think at this point in my healing I no longer attract nor accept people who remind me emotionally of my mother. It's still a work-in-progress, but I can see how codependent I was in the past and how far I've come. Healing is possible!
It's always good to hear that it's possible to heal. I've got a long history of trauma bonds with people in my life...I've done a lot of healing on my own, it's just really hard when meeting new people to tell if I'm repeating old patterns and I haven't really healed as much as I thought I had, or if it's just paranoia.
I have an attachment trauma. Fearful avoidant. And just recently i realized its because of emotionally unavailable parents. Im in pain. I have resentments for them that i need to let go. I keep crying. :(
I’m here for you. I am the same. I love you because you’re a human being and i am sending you love. I believe people deserve this knowledge to heal. Stay safe
Please do the hoopononpono if you can by Sandra Rolus, it broke the same cycle in me. Then after love yourself and hopefully others when you are ready to. The freedom is amazing if l can do it you can do it, love and light to you🥰
love this subject. such a poorly understood dynamic that exists a lot. I remember falling in love and then both of us being so deeply triggered by each other to the point i came to the conclusion was broken and unable to connect. when in hindsight it was a trauma bond.
Learning English was the best and most useful skill/second language I’ve ever learned! Just imagining I couldn’t understand all this precious content on RUclips and elsewhere...
FINALLY!!!! Someone connecting all the freakin DOTS!!! Everything resonated! My parents were ALL the examples! I have in therapy (on/off) and meds for almost 20 years, since @ age 30. I turn 50 next year, I’ve been on a crazy healing torpedo!! I am currently transmuting so much energy from my childhood. Thank goddess my wife and I are both on our healing journeys....together but separate. (I happened to manifest a nice long stay in Puerto Rico ❤️) My baby sister is a curandera and has been my healer, my teacher. She has turned in to one of my best friends. (Didn’t really know what that meant until recently) Our experiences with our parents are so completely different and both so abusive!! I have been able to let them go, in the parental role, because I KNOW their childhoods were pretty messed up too. They have been married over 50 years, they had 8 children together. We were the Perfect Catholic Family. We are all musicians and singers. We WERE the church choir. He’s a narcissist, she is co dependent..so many stories... ANYWHOOOO.... I really feel blessed to have found you. Divine timing my sister. I appreciate you, your work, all of the healing that you are going to help the collective with.
This it the truest thing ever! I have an extremely withdrawn father, and a mother who is both conflicted and unpredictable. I was very confused as a child... however growing into adulthood I thought I was totally normal. By 22, I meet a guy that matched all 3 criteria and felt a deep deep attachment to him. It was like nothing else, the connection I felt towards this man was insane. He ended up being emotionally abusive and dragging me along on an emotional rollercoaster. I didn’t know how to get off, I felt stuck. I loved him, but I knew we were unhealthy for each other. He would abuse, and break up with me on countless occasions, but I couldn’t let go. It finally ended this year and I sought out some therapy. My therapist pointed out my pattern and now I’m working on how to break my cycle 😊
I love that you ended on a positive note. I have come across certain Loa videos on RUclips that say no need to talk about the bad stuff because they make you feel worse. Well when you have experienced trauma you have to heal that. It's like a broken arm Loa all day but you need to go to the doctor. Peace and love to everyone 💕 🙂
I had a trauma bond with my best friend. We actually did bond because we were going through a really hard time, and the worse things got, the more we were like "yes this is our thing, enduring it together" (oh boy). I had to be in really dark place with a really awful person (not my friend) to hit rock bottom to realise I needed to get out and change my approach to relationships, because I was going to lose her and I couldn't have that, also all these toxic people were taking up all my energy and I was dead on my feet. Thankfully, she's still in my life and still my most favourite human, but I behave in a much healthier way with her now. I thought I was being very affectionate and trusting when I leaned on her for emotional support, but I see now I was trying too hard to please her and being super clingy, and that puts a lot of pressure on the other person. Poor thing must have been exhausted 🙈
@@jasmineali5699 I was going through the same, but I've lost her now. I've hurt her once and she left me; i miss her so much. What can i do to change that? Help me, please.
I let her go, she said she felt bad with herself, and we both recognized how toxic and dependant we were, so we have to become healthy again after going through so much together... All I can wish for is that we come back together, even just as friends... But none of us will talk to each other for a while
Yep had the 1,2,3 with parents as a child. Freaking nutcases! Experienced it with BF's & friends. I'm happy I divorced them years ago. I divorce anyone no matter what relationship it is if they show any signs of abuse. I have a NO tolerance for abuse of any kind in my life. Had enough of it as a child to last a lifetime. Enough is enough Thank you for the video
You talk in a way so strong, good for you... i'll take some of your strength and put in practise in my life. ive been abused when i was a child in many ways, wheere today i feel kind of lost of when the subject is to deal with ppl specially with partner relashionship. i also have a bad habit which is expect too much from others, specially whe i do something for them and i dont get the reconozition appreciation from them, i usually feel used and abused. this is exactly what happened to my ex, id helped him a lot emottionaly /finacially but never felt he was greatful for all i did for him and it killed me inside, now im learning that are many kinds of abuses. fanancially its a a way of abuse too, we should be aware of and get out. Ive been trying to get out its been years but now i feel so strong, i have zero respect for that person . i need to think like you, i cant tolerate any kind of abuse and period! and if its not reciprocal i dont want it because the end of the day, i know im a good person and i know that i deserve better. ps: sorry for the long reply, english not my 1st langugae :)
@@DaniSilva.. thank you for sharing. Yes theres physical, mental, emotional, financial, sexual abuses out there. Setting personal boundaries for yourself & then boundaries for those around you are extremely important. Implementing those boundaries and sticking with them is highly important. If you dont you teach people how to treat you. Setting boundaries is part of self care. Also you sound like a very giving person to the point at times you can be self sacrificing. Pull back on giving so much to others & give to yourself first! Fill your cup of love up for yourself do things that keep that cup of love inside you filled up so it dont get depleted by others. Remember dont do things for people and expect to get recognition for it. If a person cant say thank you and be appreciative or takes you for granted.....STOP HELPING AND DOING FOR THEM. They are using you and you are letting them use you. You dont need to be a people pleaser. Please yourself that's what counts😊 YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THEN YOUR CHILDHOOD MEMORIES OF ABUSE.
I cried watching this, thank you I needed the release. I am in the process of understanding the unhealthy patterns of my relationships and where it all started. I had a disorganised attachment dynamic with my early caregivers and it messed up most of my adult experiences.
Wow. This is more valuable than all the gold one could ever buy. Being familiar with the withdrawn parent, I realize that I withdraw in my own relationships. And I find people who don't hold me accountable to get to a deeper emotional level. Thanks to the healing process, I'm transforming. The point about shame at the end is so important. And perhaps to emphasize it even more, like Nicole says at the beginning of the video, how it comes the body (neurotransmitters, chemicals, and hormones, and our nervous system) is REAL. It's no different than healing a broken leg. Thank you Nicole for your wisdom, your vulnerability, and your teaching. Praying that this awareness spreads to all four corners of the world 🙏🏻
Thank you so much for this. Such a clear, concise reminder... As a former counselor and mental health worker I tend to think I should never get into unhealthy behavior patterns. I am harsh with myself in ways that not only do not serve me, but actually keep me stuck for longer. Your video allowed me to look at my marriage with less judgement and more compassion. I was able to strip away the negative self talk and "shoulds" and be present and honest. I've known I want to end my relationship for 6 months but felt so stuck, responsible for his emotional wellbeing, etc. This video was the perfect reminder of my truth, my values and the kind of interactions I have energy and space for. Nowhere in my life would I ever allow anyone to treat me the way my husband does, but I have excused his bad behavior and been delusional in my focus on believing he will change. I have been so focused on trying to get him to take responsibility for himself and change his behavior and beliefs, none of which worked. Instead I was just tolerating verbal abuse, blame, character assassination, yelling and so on. In the past I have asked my clients, "how would you feel if someone was speaking to your mother/sister/daughter this way. What advice would you give them?" Although I KNOW I would never support anyone allowing this and I can help my clients get out of abusive situations I STILL found myself sucked in. The most loving thing I can do is file for a divorce and you really helped me clarify that. I am extremely grateful. My husband is very sick, struggling with severe PTSD and substance abuse issues. While I have empathy for him that will no longer equate with allowing him to take it out on me. I feel a sense of relief, strength and clarity returning to me. Thank you so much. 👃🌟💛🧡🤎
Ive become to know that I can't expect a person to make me balanced; that's impossible, not to mention it turns into a hostage battle, lol. When I started living right and honest and created boundaries with those two attributes it seemed that my new relationships became right and honest. I let my relationships play themselves out letting each individual be themselves without judgment and it either grows and bonds or it goes away on its own... I'm sure a psychologist would be able to articulate that; but that's how I experienced it.. Kool video bytheway....
I totally agree. A phrase I've been thinking of lately in response to a complicated relationship I've been involved in is "Let it go to let it grow". This helps me find some openness (not neediness or expectation) to whatever the future holds.
Wow this is incredibly brilliant. I love how you explain this. I do believe I was in trauma with my other relationships, and now I'm in love! More than anything, I think this is because I learned how to heal myself and so did my partner. We can't "fix" each other, but we are patient, loving, and honest mirrors to each other. When we notice conflict arise, we look inwardly and see how we may be projecting issues we have with ourselves onto each other. It's never been that "bubble" love I had with other partners, but it's nourishing in the best ways :)
Agree. I was just journaling today about how my ex and I were in trauma bond - that's the first time I put such a label on it. Part of me wishes I had not watched the video tonight, b/c I'm still grieving the end of the relationship, so it was a bit triggering (mainly b/c at the end about working on issues while still a couple). Had I known of this content it may have helped us, but then again, I'm not sure. The relationship was only a year long, and LDR as well. But, still, yes, uncanny timing for me too. Can youtube look into my journal?! 🕵🏼♀️ Thank you, Nicole, for your clarity.
The last woman i dated was emotionally charged trauma coupling. It was pretty awful from start to end. It was fast and she was drinking. I didnt feel safe and my authentic self was in hiding. I felt a lot of fear and pressured. I never want that again. I was so anxious with and without her
Been born in a divorced family, my mother married again, but both father figure were withdrawn, my mother was unpredictable, never knew what would come next. It wasnt a safe place to be. A codependent mother to her husband, my stepfather. As I grew older I tend to be in relationships where the push-pull scenario was day to day bread. Now at 34, after letting go of a 4 years relationship with an older man, who was like a father to me, or what a father should be, still he was abusing, I think we were both abusing each other psychologically. Now I have realised, that actually I never learnt how it is to have a healthy connection to a father figure, and once this is settled, how it is to have a healthy connection to a male partner. I wish to heal, it will take as much time it needs, I m not rushing into new relationship, but I want to heal deeply. Thank you for this video
I’m currently healing from a veeeery turbulent long term relationship while also getting to know a potential new partner and it is awesome to hear that it is already waaay healthier than my past relationships. Glad to have grown and that I took the very hard but necessary step to break up with my ex. Thank you for sharing, it helped me reflect over my habits.
These videos are a real life changer. I am a parent and if I can take away some tips that can improve my relationship with myself and therefore my own children so they can grow to be confident, relaxed humans with lots of self worth and self respect - something I’ve never had - then I will be forever grateful to RUclips and all the wonderful kind hearted people who share their knowledge on here... 🙏🏼🌱
This was so informative. Thank you! There are so many videos out there about narcissistic/codependent relationships which are great but I really appreciate how you explained trauma coupling. I definitely look at it in a different way now! Thanks again
Thank you for putting this into a comprehensive format! I’m so glad that my relationship with God, counseling, support group, and good/safe friends and family have really helped me grow and heal.
I did the same, and today I feel ready to watch it and every single part of it resonates. But despite that stinging, it's helpful to understand what's happening and why, and to know that there is hope. I wish you the best of luck. ♥️
I thought it was gonna be too much to handle right now, but i actually feel relieved and think more logically and dont feel so lonely. Dont pause your healing, get onto it ;)
Dated a girl with BPD (never diagnosed but she checks literally every box) where she had the unhealthiest way of arguing over the most menial things. She’d put me down for not cooking to her standards and when I’d ask like “why are you being mean? Why are you talking to me like that?” She’d just flip and get really mad and start arguing with me and not want to stop. I saw the red flags and never knew it was BPD, because I just thought it was bipolarism (I now know the difference after watching videos since our breakup) but after arguing she’d start being loving and caring and crying and begging for me to stay. Almost like a switch flipped. She was so attached and trauma bonded, and I think I was too. I’d break up with her several times but it never felt right not having her there, because BPD’s are extremely hard lovers and it didn’t feel right having no love the way she gave it. And we’d talk about her anger and how she’d change but it just never happened because therapy is needed. It’s really depressing because I think we would’ve worked otherwise, but considering she was emotionally abused and I think physically abused by her mom growing up, it just projected onto me and it was hell, but it’s not her fault and I feel guilty.
If you don’t heal this part of you ( being the saviour in someone else’s story) you will attract the same kind of lovers into your life. Same storyline different actors.
You both need therapy separately..You are staying due to guilt, that's not good. Do yourself and your partner separate and heal or your life will be very unstable, volatile and you'll have PTSD because of thie connection.. ❤
I have so much love for this video. Thank you so much. I can’t even begin to tell you how much my wife and I are connected. Most people talk about how these relationships can never heal. But the thing is, my wife and I were each other’s safe space for a few years in jr high and high school. I’m not going to write the novel in our beautiful story in here. But what I will say is this. Sometime shortly after we got married it became toxic on both ends. But then one day I woke up. I’ve been searching for years to find a spiritual path that suited exactly what I was looking for. I found it in Norse Animism. Women were treated honorably and as sacred. Some how we both lost sight of who we married. Substance was involved for both of us. Then bam! I decided on my own that my drinking was toxic. Then I had to go backwards. I had to remember who my best friend was. The absolute head over heels I was for her. Then following…remembering the amazing human being I married. We both have things to work on still, but we are constantly doing work and doing better at holding beautiful space for each other. I had to do some research to pull this off, I had to find a gentle way to approach things. I had to admit I was toxic, I had to admit to her things, I had to change things, I knew she did too. So we risked it all and put it all out on the table. Including all of our darkness that we have embraced from our past. All marriages go through Hell, but the strong ones walk through the fire together. Trust me it’s been very rewarding and worth it. We are not new together. We’ve been together many times and we recognized each other the day we met. Many people with different abilities have confirmed it. I think one of our roles is to show people that anything you go through can be repaired. We are doing a bunch of holistic and therapeutic work and we are now closer together than we ever have been. Many marriages would not have survived much that we’ve been through. But I must say, it wasn’t all bad and it wasn’t all toxic. Despite all of that in the past we did make time to connect. Anyway that’s my short version of my soap box and thank you for believing that even traumas within a couple can be healed.
Coming from a person who was literally an abuser because of their past trauma, I went through what could have been an amazing and beautiful relationship and tore it all down without ever even realizing it until it was too late. I’ll never be that person in a relationship again, because the pain of it ending pushed me to realize I wasn’t being my authentic self. All I ever did was repeat what my parents had done to me as a child and projected that onto her. Never again will that cycle repeat, I’m healing and feeling more level-headed than ever. 💕
I love you and thank you ❤️ My entire family did what you described with the way they treated me and spoke to me. I always just wanted to be a good girl so mommy doesn’t get mad and be disappointed. I was very confused. I heal myself largely in an intuitive way and after watching your video I think I can say that the relationship I am in right now is NOT a trauma bond or coupling. Yes, we share similar traumas but there is so much more to him and I and the spectrum of our relationship. We feel safe together and do not judge, rather we help each other grow! Looking forward to following you on IG and hearing more xo❤️
Very interesting stuff... people often return to what they know or have gotten used to, but we must learn to break this habit if we are to evolve and become the best version of ourselves 🌈 namaste, have a nice day xxxxxxxxxxx
I just got out of a three-year relationship that I now know was a trauma bonded one and this video has given me clarity about our entire time spend together. Thank you so much for this and thank you YT for recommending me something that's actually wonderfully helpful to me.
I’m In a beautiful relationship right now with someone who cares deeply, but I am the one still working in the trauma coupling stage of my life. I am aware of it though and that is a huge step towards healing. 💜
Thank you. I find it amazing how the universe gives you exactly what you need at the moment you need it. I came across this by accident, just scrolling and it jumped out at me. Having just ended another toxic relationship and always knowing I was the common denominator in every destructive romantic relationship I've had. I still wasnt aware of what I was doing except that my picker was very broken. But you just turned the light bulb on. And now its time to heal. Still not sure how to do that but at least now I have a direction to go forward instead of feeling stuck
Absent parent - I have bonded with emotionally distant men, my last partner was extremely distant to the extend of silent treatment and punishment. In the beginning I’m attracted to the silent, quiet, coy type. Now going forward I know I need emotional connection so the quiet, aloof, emotionally distant just isn’t going to cut it for me.
You are AWESOME! Finally coming to terms with the death of my father 36 years ago has allowed me to see some patterns that I had when it came to my ex husband. My mother has always been a beautiful and kind anchor for me, but there was a female family member that caused some emotional pain. Growing up, there was a saying ‘children are to be seen and not heard’ and ‘ what goes on in our family, stays in our family’ so there were things that were said that I assumed were normal. They were not. I’ve made peace with those that I believed ‘wronged’ me and things have been made clear. Although, healing isn’t linear and I can catch myself ruminating over something, I quickly recognize it and walk myself through it. Telling myself you aren’t that little girl and you’re safe’. Because the body remembers although our brains may ‘forget’, I remember having nasty sore throats as a child that had to basis in anything physical. As I got older and began to use my voice, the sore throats disappeared as quickly as they began. I have also suffered from 26 years of debilitating migraines.while I have done some self reflecting, shadow work and they have eased up some, I need them to go away. Forever! Thank you, for being a light in this world. You’ve gained a new subscriber 😊😊😊
Itsabout understanding this sadness and not to blame others as perhaps they didnt knew any better. And didn't know how to break this cycles. Hence addiction. But as much is easy to say it. It is hard. Breaking of mother and father is when we see life
I have anxious attachment style and always get into trauma bondings. But I still have this perception and belief that love has to be passionate and if it's safe it's boring, so you can't be in love...
Oh wow. This video has clarified a lot for me. I have recently come out of a 12 year relationship where I was "Trauma partnered". Looking back, she displayed all the same "push/pull" signs that mimicked my moms behaviour when I was a child. The dynamics of my relationship between my mom & I when I was a child, and the dynamics of this 12 year relationship were identical. I kind of already knew this, but not to this extent with this much clarity. I'll use this realisation to further aid me in my healing journey. Thank you so much for sharing. 🙏🏻
@@tatummoyo8448 hi, my mom fell under the "unpredictable" catagory of this video (number 2) she was very emotionally unpredictable and volatile when I was growing up. She was never physical, but her outbursts where scary and we could never predict what would set her off. This created a "walking on eggshells" dynamic for me especially. Constantly trying to avoid "triggering" her or if she did get mad, trying to pacify her. She's matured a lot since I was a child, and she doesn't act that way anymore. I guess she's healed herself, we've never really spoke about it but we are close now. I entered into a relationship where the dynamics where the same (Emotionally unpredictable, volatile,Eggshells, Pacifying etc) basically recreating the emotional relationship I had with my mom. I'm out of that relationship now, and I too have healed myself. So all's well that ends well but I'd advise you to be acutely aware of your son's emotions and how you effect him. Try to have predictable emotional responses (RESPONSES NOT REACTIONS, That is VERY important.) So your son will know where the boundaries are drawn. It's ok to be angry, disappointed etc but be consistent and measured as best you can. ✌🏻
@@chris.version3.1.68 wow thank you for responding so quickly.i understand what you are saying.i grew up with a stepmom where nothing was ever good enough for her,my dad was emotionally distant I married and constantly felt anxiety and walking on eggshells kind of vibe. I'm mindful of my behaviour with my son but I have my down days where everything irritates me.i sometimes feel rage coming up and try and control it other times I overreact. I never want to create an environment where I rage and then apologise after because that's what the cycle of abuse looks like. Thank you and be blessed
@@tatummoyo8448 no problem, we are here to help each other heal. 🙏🏻 Just continue on your healing journey and do your best. You're in the right corner of the internet. 🙂 Any more questions let me know. ✌🏻
@@chris.version3.1.68 I will definitely and thank you.one more question about the lady you were with.do you hold yourself responsible in that relationship or do you feel she was the bad one.when I had my realization of my relationship with my ex,I blamed him and badmouthed him and I'm only realizing now how I was not responsible for maybe not speaking up and expressing myself clearly when things felt overwhelming. We were never allowed to speak up and express ourselves so I carried that with me.i also somehow felt gas lighted when I felt brave to speak up and then I questioned if it was all in my head.
To all who read this, it's not all your faults. Forgive yourself and forgive the people. You just need time to heal. Once you feel okay you can see better of which person that's really matter for you and is worth fighting for. Learn to heal, learn to love. ❤ You're not alone, been there done that.
I recently discovered you! Right on time. Gods grace. Your are such a beautiful teacher. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and helping us all heal. You are an amazing soul. Thank you from my healing heart to yours !!
Thank you for this video!! You point out so many issues that I've been reflecting upon recently. I've been single for a year now and I found it important to take this time to look back and see what not to manifest next time around. My last relationship was definitely trauma coupling. Your work always comes at the right time. 🙏🏻❤✨
Thank you for posting this!! It’s incredibly helpful and I mostly appreciate your emphasis on “it’s normal, but you can change for the better”. Thank you 💕
I just got into another fight with my mom and was stirring in thoughts of why the hell she causes me so much pain. Loaded up youtube to self-soothe and the algorithm put this in my feed! Thank you so much for this, it was very informative and I'm excited to delve into more of your wok.
I don't experience all my relationships as one or the other. I've had a lot of experiences where there is some trauma hooking us together, but also incredible growth out of that simply by being together, loving each other, and having a lot of depth and connection both through that shared trauma and outside it. I think it depends on both people's capacity and willingness to grow.
This is so very much needed! Cause we dont always notice or understand these patterns. Thank you so much for educating people on such important matters that are so decisive for out lives. From the bottom of my heart :)
If it feels like your able to fly. Run away. I met 2 women last year one I felt really connected to attracted and very calm around. And the other one I felt sick I couldn't eat sleep lost my shit big time like an addiction. Chose her lost my job. Don't chase that shit. If it makes you feel highly highly attracted. It will smash you although I learned a lot from it so positives to be taken from it
Tom Smith sooo common. Love / attachment affects the same area of the brain as cocaine. Withdrawal effects are real! Best to figure out why you were attracted to those types of women. At least now you’ll be able to watch for the red flags you’re aware of. 🙏
Hey Tom smith im trying to figure out if im experiencing the same relationship with my current GF who i cant really fall asleep with and sometimes tend to not be as hungry as her or get full very easy and i feel super comfortable with her physically tho
It's such an odd thing I am connecting with a girl with trauma its been 3 to 4 months and it just doesn't go anywhere, I feel like I only receive if I give, if I grow cold to get something back she gets confused, she doesn't even realize whats happening, all of it is so emotionally unhealthy, if I give I am matched, if I don't she wont initiate anything substantial it's driving me insane! I cant stand another stupid pointless dog picture, she says I am a simp, but in a good way, I am like what? I treat you this way because of your trauma! maybe this is all just a bizarre hero complex pity thing, but it all seems so oddly emotionally neglectful I cant stand it anymore
Great video. All 3 for me! It’s led me to pretty much withdraw from everyone and no relationship for several years, doesn’t feel safe. Something I heard recently is beware when you meet someone new, a potential partner, who might feel “comfortable” right away. It could be down to an unwelcome familiarity i.e. displays same old behaviour we’re used to. Take time to assess them and you properly. I have a lot of work to do!
Thank you very much for this video! I've been in two trauma couplings over the last two years and I have to say that realising that those are life lessons helped me very much to slowly get over it. And the gut feeling is something that helped me to get through it as well. Even though I didn't listened to it in the beginning. It's not easy when you are somehow "addicted" to the person. You do not only feel emotional but sometimes also physical pain. It's hard. But eventually manageable.
Ever since my first break up, which i never healed from, i have never allowed myself to get close to anyone again b/c i knew/feared i would need it + be addicted to the relationship again. Basically, Idk if I've ever known love. My gut tells me no. And idk if i ever will b/c to try means diving into the same waters
WOW im so thankful i clicked on this. It just hit me that both of my parents were emotionally unavailable. I'm 42 and every man i entertained was emotionally not there. I've been single for some years now. It's felt safer to be with my kids and no one else. WOW.
Wow, finally your 10min video actually made it clear what it means when we chose partners that are like our parents, took me a psy degree and 3 decades and didn’t understand that until now. Question is how do we recognize it early on in the relationship and avoid or overcome it?
![Noob To Max With DRAGON REWORK In Blox Fruits [FULL MOVIE]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/LnBMOinoOvA/mqdefault.jpg)
Hi #selfhealers,
My apologies for the sound in this video. I didn't realize my mic was not connected until I uploaded the video. Sound will be a priority on the next batch of videos! Thank you for being here.
Nicole
The Holistic Psychologist Sounds is good while wearing my headphones.
Thank you...Maybe you can have a do-over with this one. It seems like good info, but really difficult to absorb with the poor audio. I will try it with earphones though; thanks to Zach for the tip.
@@brigitalarsen7335 Hi! I won't be re-filming this one. Hope headphones work!
@@TheHolisticPsychologist Headphones worked great for me!
I am so disappointed because this looks like good information well presented, but I just can not hear it well enough to benefit.
If we don't change our toxic behavior our past becomes our future.
This is so true
This hit me 😞
So true.
It's a cycle and with the right dynamic approach you can break this cycle you just need the heart the tenacity
Even after doing so much work, I still can't shake the feeling that in the future, my present will become my past
On point perspective!...my husband and I have gone through this. Initially in a trauma bond (not fun!). Once we worked out our own traumas thru individual therapy, the relationship we have now is unbelievable!!!! A much more mature relationship and I love the fact that we are not responsible for each other's happiness. Once you heal you can never go back to the old ways of relating with people/relationships. My only regret is I wish I had done this sooner!!! Warmest regards.
What was each of your traumas? I think I’m going through this now. His fiancé died, my father died. We are friends but avoiding each other right now.
I am envious of your progression and truly hope it happens for me too.
@@kimberlynorato135 ...sorry for the late reply, was on a much needed vacation!!!!....my trauma was not being good enough (people pleaser), wanting to "fix" my husband; only seeing him as I wished he could be and not for who he really was. I was controlling and had no boundaries. I was tired of controlling and was actually relieved when I learned that we can't control anyone. The biggest relief was learning that I'm not responsible for how others feel and that I could survive being/living alone. Once I accepted myself and that I was and always had been enough, I can accept others as that are; even if who they are is dysfunctional. I just let those people go in love and light without trying to fix them. I don't have to let them in my life. It is so freeing and a joy to just see people be themselves!. Wish you the best!!!!!
@@comfortablyawkward5555 .....you will. It's a lot of work but soooo worth it. It feels like I was reborn, and the trauma a very distant memory. I never knew life could be this much fun...don't give up I promise if you put the work in you won't regret it!...best of luck!!!!
@@kimberlynorato135 Al Anon is an amazing 12 Step program that helps so many people.
Trying to bond with someone in trauma is bizarre because they don’t ever see you, they only see the trauma they are projecting on you. The more you try to love that person from outside of trauma, the more their trauma grows.
I realized eventually there was nothing there for me but that person using me to confirm his trauma. Real love and authentic connection had no chance. That’s when it all ended because he couldn’t or wouldn’t face his trauma to heal.
I literally had no idea this was going on and it took me four years to figure it out.
The person in trauma wants to love and they do love but it is buried under the trauma which controls them and blocks all healthy connection.
It’s like trying to get water from a well that has a concrete cap. The water is there, but you can’t get it out.
With love this gets very confusing but love is recognized, as all things are, by its fruit. If there is no fruit after one season, there never will be unless that person commits to getting help from a healer.
Now I’m free to find real love.
Hard lesson.
How did you heal?
Momma Llama that was so Eloquently & Beautifully stated. Much Unconditional Love, Peace, Joy & Abundance to Us All❣
Thank you for sharing 🙏🏻
Exactly, 100% my ex that I am trying to get over right now. I loved him so much but his traumas caused him to project so much. He practically expected me to cheat on him and scheme behind his back when I didn’t do anything to make him feel that way, he was going to feel that way no matter what I did. These ongoing arguments ultimately led to our downfall and it hurts so bad 😔
this put my last relationship that i left bc i didn't want to do the toxic cycle anymore and he kept wanting to stay in it for some reason.. it put it into a new perspective. i appreciate that.
The ending was reassuring. Trauma coupling can evolve into bonding. Beautiful.
I'm halfway through and was wondering if this could be possible so this is very reassuring! ♥️
A part of me wants to believe that there is hope for the loved to change but there's another logical part of me that knows people are who they are and must truly deeply consistently WANT to change. Its an ongoing uphill battle requiring great strength, tenacity, fortitude, decication, c ommittment, patience, desire, willingness and so much more......I wish him all the best but feel that he is stuck in bitter resentment of having to change, despite the part of him that wants to, he is more comfortable staying in his uncomfortable yet all too familiar zone. I realize it's his journey and I have my own struggles to focus on. I cannot change another but I can change myself. I have detached, to love him yet leave him.
Perhaps that will spark or ignite him to change short term but long term change has not been his track record. If he can find someone who will accept him as he is that he deems worthy, enough said. My heart and head are conflicted just like him, we both know we have to let go as it's not working. Perhaps he will change long term......only time will tell
@@casperinsight3524 I agree. wanting to change is crucial. my partner didn't want to, it took me years to leave. I see us parting ways as another way to continue growing. sometimes you have to let go of smth or someone to grow-- sadly. Many times I ask myself what would have happened had he/we tried more. I still think he is an amazing person overall. I wish you all the best of luck and strength to leave the relationship if you haven't yet done so.
@@casperinsight3524 I dated someone exactly like this who 1st said I don't want anyone to change me, get married again ( for a 3rd x, had trauma bond from 2 past marriages, 1st wife murdered , 2nd wife cheated) or be in a committed relationship. Only wanted to be casual , didn't say but his actions existed as was. Keep me at bay, emotionally unavailable type, yet he yearned to have love in his life from a relationship /partner. His father was a drinker but not abusive, his mother barred 8 children, she was emotionally unavailable raising all tho he was 2nd to last child who eventually turned to become a gifted musical artist at a young age which filled his need of emotional neglect leading to a financially successful lifestyle. He buries his trauma bond of abandonment of childhood neglect to drinking & minor drug use, pot head & px meds he has to stay on for health issues. His need for romantic love is unfulfilled with different partners that never lasts from his trauma bonded marriages & chooses not to heal those wounds & buries it in his addictions. Still trying to find that need for abandoned love missing in his childhood & trauma bonds from one woman relationship to the next. Has a fearful & dismissive avoidant attachment style. Wonder if this guy will ever find the real love he's been searching for or requires. His love for his musicial passion will always be his main 1st priority. That fulfills his need for the abandonment he had in his childhood wounds. I became obsessed with him cause I had childhood wounds of emotional neglect as well from an alcoholic mother & a father who ended up passing away at an early age. I became an independent person but had 2 toxic relationships with alchoholic druggies..that trauma bonded me but I've healed myself from acceptance & understanding..& yet have that fear of abandonment from being anxious preoccupied & fearfully avoidant in any relationship that I encounter..tho my previous toxic one lasted 25 yrs from codependency til they passed away from the alcoholic issue..
Unless our parents were enlightened beings who meditated daily and really held space for their kids to have and express their needs, most people are traumatized.
most don't have to be enlightened. lots of parents actually regret having/hate their kids
@@chantalreneehayles7976 That depends on what she meant by enlightened.
Facts
Actually 50% are secure bonded..crazy right?
@@CDuell even so,trauma is passed momentarily and all it takes is one insatance of stressed parent where they reacted and we made a decision about ourselves and how we occur in reality
Anytime I spot push-pull, mind games, highs, or any pattern I had been used to I almost immediately dump the person. It’s gotten easier as I keep reminding myself what my ideal relationship would look like, and what my boundaries are. So relevant. Earlier this year I burned a list with all the names of guys I was attracted to or dated in the past, and asked the universe for the opposite. I’m getting ready for it. Thank you 🙏🏻🤗
Carus Productions I did this too and the universe answered! Setting the intention, knowing your worth, and discontinuing old patterns.
Carus Productions yes until you find this ideal partner and after couple of years it becomes boring and then you realize even more just how fucked up you are
You need to change yourself, not try to claim the problem is in the people you date. You are asking for universe to give you things? Thats magical thinking right there. You have issues, thats why you attract and are attracted to people who have issues. Healthy people are not interested in people burning lists and asking universe to give them stuff.
@@Nobody-Nowhere your overreaction to somebody else's ritual says more about you than about them. We all have different processes to focus our minds on what we want and how we want to change. Regardless of whether there's any magic in it, those symbolic actions are psychologically powerful. I hope that you have found ways to do the same, and I respect whatever processes work for you.
NICE!!! I would say happy hunting, but I believe that you will naturally attract them. They will find you.👍
"This is nothing to be shameful of."
Had me in tears.
Thank you for this. Bless you.
whats horrible is that because we experienced these traumas from the people we first bonded to, our caregivers, who where supposed to give us love and care but gave us abuse
this abuse feels comforting. continuing these patterns feels comforting because it was the only love we received
i find myself trying so hard to reparent myself but its difficult when im in regression states because it so strongly feels like i WANT abuse/self abuse, because it familiar, its comforting, it feels safest.
its horrible and so hard. to feel like i want something that i dont want
but this is why it happens again and again. and its so hard to break this cycle. Its poignant to me.. because all we want is safe clean love and we have been warped into being a mold that feels like it only fits with the toxic.
I wish i can be strong enough to make better choices for myself.
Samaya Hradek my heart is with you samaya
Right on. It's crazy... I'm in the very exact position. U just have to keep reminding yourself that the healing is paramount over everything. It is our duty to ourselves to heal those wounds. To be awoken to our own traumas to break the cycle of inflicted suffering. We owe it to ourselves to be well, in order to receive and transmit the right relationships into our lives.
It takes consistency, dedication, motivation and commitment.
Awareness, acceptance, acknowledgement of our pain, trauma and wounds.
We can do it.
I made a commitment to myself this month that I will no longer to live my life receiving less than and as hard as I know the journey will be I know that there is better to come. I just have to do the work.
I wish u well in your journey love and blessings.
i love you, stay strong.
@@justkeepbreathing3018 If you haven't been, check out Al Anon, it is worldwide, $2 donation, meetings in most cities. There's a great podcast called The Recovery Show and lots of open speakers on youtube.
You're not alone.
It may be something we always 'walk with'... the healthy stretches can increase if we just keep at it.
This is CPTSD. Check Richard Grannon and his Spartan Life Coach channel. His emotional literacy course is amazing.
I really appreciate how you condense a lot of complex psychological issues into your videos and don't waste people's time as many creators of similar content do on RUclips. Really helpful, bite-size chunks of information which let people decide what they want to learn more about/get help with.
It's taken me several years of therapy and being out of my parent's home to realize this was the direction I was heading in -- replicating the dynamic between my mom and I. Thanks for the video. I think at this point in my healing I no longer attract nor accept people who remind me emotionally of my mother. It's still a work-in-progress, but I can see how codependent I was in the past and how far I've come. Healing is possible!
every single person that’s nice to me is like a father to me
Omg. I found someone exactly like me
Women who love too much is a must-read
Sara Bovo
Who’s the author ?
@@IYeleven robin norwood
I think that I need to read that book.
Men who hate women and The women who love them by Dr Susan Forward also.
@@IYeleven The author`s name is Robin Norwood. The book is light bulb.
It's always good to hear that it's possible to heal. I've got a long history of trauma bonds with people in my life...I've done a lot of healing on my own, it's just really hard when meeting new people to tell if I'm repeating old patterns and I haven't really healed as much as I thought I had, or if it's just paranoia.
I feel this on a deep level.
Yep !! :(
💯 with you on this, I am recovering codependent and a long list of trauma.
I have an attachment trauma. Fearful avoidant. And just recently i realized its because of emotionally unavailable parents. Im in pain. I have resentments for them that i need to let go. I keep crying. :(
Forgiveness is.... Possible
I’m here for you. I am the same. I love you because you’re a human being and i am sending you love. I believe people deserve this knowledge to heal. Stay safe
I’m with you on that 👋🏼
Please do the hoopononpono if you can by Sandra Rolus, it broke the same cycle in me. Then after love yourself and hopefully others when you are ready to. The freedom is amazing if l can do it you can do it, love and light to you🥰
@@veemcmuzy thank you! How long did u do it?
love this subject. such a poorly understood dynamic that exists a lot. I remember falling in love and then both of us being so deeply triggered by each other to the point i came to the conclusion was broken and unable to connect. when in hindsight it was a trauma bond.
Learning English was the best and most useful skill/second language I’ve ever learned! Just imagining I couldn’t understand all this precious content on RUclips and elsewhere...
FINALLY!!!! Someone connecting all the freakin DOTS!!!
Everything resonated!
My parents were ALL the examples!
I have in therapy (on/off) and meds for almost 20 years, since @ age 30.
I turn 50 next year, I’ve been on a crazy healing torpedo!!
I am currently transmuting so much energy from my childhood.
Thank goddess my wife and I are both on our healing journeys....together but separate. (I happened to manifest a nice long stay in Puerto Rico ❤️)
My baby sister is a curandera and has been my healer, my teacher. She has turned in to one of my best friends. (Didn’t really know what that meant until recently) Our experiences with our parents are so completely different and both so abusive!! I have been able to let them go, in the parental role, because I KNOW their childhoods were pretty messed up too. They have been married over 50 years, they had 8 children together. We were the Perfect Catholic Family. We are all musicians and singers. We WERE the church choir. He’s a narcissist, she is co dependent..so many stories...
ANYWHOOOO.... I really feel blessed to have found you. Divine timing my sister. I appreciate you, your work, all of the healing that you are going to help the collective with.
This it the truest thing ever! I have an extremely withdrawn father, and a mother who is both conflicted and unpredictable. I was very confused as a child... however growing into adulthood I thought I was totally normal. By 22, I meet a guy that matched all 3 criteria and felt a deep deep attachment to him. It was like nothing else, the connection I felt towards this man was insane. He ended up being emotionally abusive and dragging me along on an emotional rollercoaster. I didn’t know how to get off, I felt stuck. I loved him, but I knew we were unhealthy for each other. He would abuse, and break up with me on countless occasions, but I couldn’t let go. It finally ended this year and I sought out some therapy. My therapist pointed out my pattern and now I’m working on how to break my cycle 😊
Same with me.Just like I wrote this story.But I don't go psychotherapy,I do self therapy.I practice self care,reparenting,self awareness,i read a lot.
Good luck to both of us...I'm really careful bcs I have many suitors.
I'm still confused bcs after all I cannot trust easily.I will leave things to unfold naturally and slow.Don't want to repeat previous mistake.
this randomly showed up on my home screen and i could not be more grateful 💗 the last few minutes have made me hopeful for the future. thank you !!!
I love that you ended on a positive note. I have come across certain Loa videos on RUclips that say no need to talk about the bad stuff because they make you feel worse. Well when you have experienced trauma you have to heal that. It's like a broken arm Loa all day but you need to go to the doctor. Peace and love to everyone 💕 🙂
I had a trauma bond with my best friend. We actually did bond because we were going through a really hard time, and the worse things got, the more we were like "yes this is our thing, enduring it together" (oh boy). I had to be in really dark place with a really awful person (not my friend) to hit rock bottom to realise I needed to get out and change my approach to relationships, because I was going to lose her and I couldn't have that, also all these toxic people were taking up all my energy and I was dead on my feet. Thankfully, she's still in my life and still my most favourite human, but I behave in a much healthier way with her now. I thought I was being very affectionate and trusting when I leaned on her for emotional support, but I see now I was trying too hard to please her and being super clingy, and that puts a lot of pressure on the other person. Poor thing must have been exhausted 🙈
Omg same!! Don't want to lose her but re evaluate our relationship now
@@jasmineali5699 I was going through the same, but I've lost her now. I've hurt her once and she left me; i miss her so much. What can i do to change that? Help me, please.
I let her go, she said she felt bad with herself, and we both recognized how toxic and dependant we were, so we have to become healthy again after going through so much together... All I can wish for is that we come back together, even just as friends... But none of us will talk to each other for a while
Yep had the 1,2,3 with parents as a child. Freaking nutcases! Experienced it with BF's & friends. I'm happy I divorced them years ago. I divorce anyone no matter what relationship it is if they show any signs of abuse. I have a NO tolerance for abuse of any kind in my life. Had enough of it as a child to last a lifetime. Enough is enough
Thank you for the video
Vicki C Good for you. Wish I would have learned to do that years ago.
Good!!👏👏👏 As it should be!
You talk in a way so strong, good for you... i'll take some of your strength and put in practise in my life. ive been abused when i was a child in many ways, wheere today i feel kind of lost of when the subject is to deal with ppl specially with partner relashionship. i also have a bad habit which is expect too much from others, specially whe i do something for them and i dont get the reconozition appreciation from them, i usually feel used and abused. this is exactly what happened to my ex, id helped him a lot emottionaly /finacially but never felt he was greatful for all i did for him and it killed me inside, now im learning that are many kinds of abuses. fanancially its a a way of abuse too, we should be aware of and get out. Ive been trying to get out its been years but now i feel so strong, i have zero respect for that person . i need to think like you, i cant tolerate any kind of abuse and period! and if its not reciprocal i dont want it because the end of the day, i know im a good person and i know that i deserve better. ps: sorry for the long reply, english not my 1st langugae :)
@@DaniSilva.. thank you for sharing. Yes theres physical, mental, emotional, financial, sexual abuses out there.
Setting personal boundaries for yourself & then boundaries for those around you are extremely important. Implementing those boundaries and sticking with them is highly important. If you dont you teach people how to treat you. Setting boundaries is part of self care. Also you sound like a very giving person to the point at times you can be self sacrificing. Pull back on giving so much to others & give to yourself first! Fill your cup of love up for yourself do things that keep that cup of love inside you filled up so it dont get depleted by others. Remember dont do things for people and expect to get recognition for it. If a person cant say thank you and be appreciative or takes you for granted.....STOP HELPING AND DOING FOR THEM. They are using you and you are letting them use you. You dont need to be a people pleaser. Please yourself that's what counts😊
YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THEN YOUR CHILDHOOD MEMORIES OF ABUSE.
@@charchar7897 thank you. Just remember it's never to late. What's important is you learned it no matter at what age in life.
I cried watching this, thank you I needed the release. I am in the process of understanding the unhealthy patterns of my relationships and where it all started. I had a disorganised attachment dynamic with my early caregivers and it messed up most of my adult experiences.
Wow. This is more valuable than all the gold one could ever buy.
Being familiar with the withdrawn parent, I realize that I withdraw in my own relationships. And I find people who don't hold me accountable to get to a deeper emotional level. Thanks to the healing process, I'm transforming.
The point about shame at the end is so important. And perhaps to emphasize it even more, like Nicole says at the beginning of the video, how it comes the body (neurotransmitters, chemicals, and hormones, and our nervous system) is REAL. It's no different than healing a broken leg.
Thank you Nicole for your wisdom, your vulnerability, and your teaching. Praying that this awareness spreads to all four corners of the world 🙏🏻
Thank you so much for this. Such a clear, concise reminder...
As a former counselor and mental health worker I tend to think I should never get into unhealthy behavior patterns. I am harsh with myself in ways that not only do not serve me, but actually keep me stuck for longer.
Your video allowed me to look at my marriage with less judgement and more compassion. I was able to strip away the negative self talk and "shoulds" and be present and honest.
I've known I want to end my relationship for 6 months but felt so stuck, responsible for his emotional wellbeing, etc.
This video was the perfect reminder of my truth, my values and the kind of interactions I have energy and space for. Nowhere in my life would I ever allow anyone to treat me the way my husband does, but I have excused his bad behavior and been delusional in my focus on believing he will change. I have been so focused on trying to get him to take responsibility for himself and change his behavior and beliefs, none of which worked. Instead I was just tolerating verbal abuse, blame, character assassination, yelling and so on. In the past I have asked my clients, "how would you feel if someone was speaking to your mother/sister/daughter this way. What advice would you give them?" Although I KNOW I would never support anyone allowing this and I can help my clients get out of abusive situations I STILL found myself sucked in.
The most loving thing I can do is file for a divorce and you really helped me clarify that. I am extremely grateful. My husband is very sick, struggling with severe PTSD and substance abuse issues. While I have empathy for him that will no longer equate with allowing him to take it out on me.
I feel a sense of relief, strength and clarity returning to me. Thank you so much.
👃🌟💛🧡🤎
Ive become to know that I can't expect a person to make me balanced; that's impossible, not to mention it turns into a hostage battle, lol. When I started living right and honest and created boundaries with those two attributes it seemed that my new relationships became right and honest. I let my relationships play themselves out letting each individual be themselves without judgment and it either grows and bonds or it goes away on its own... I'm sure a psychologist would be able to articulate that; but that's how I experienced it.. Kool video bytheway....
Nathan Taylor thats actually really good. The idea comes through
I totally agree. A phrase I've been thinking of lately in response to a complicated relationship I've been involved in is "Let it go to let it grow". This helps me find some openness (not neediness or expectation) to whatever the future holds.
Wow this is incredibly brilliant. I love how you explain this. I do believe I was in trauma with my other relationships, and now I'm in love! More than anything, I think this is because I learned how to heal myself and so did my partner. We can't "fix" each other, but we are patient, loving, and honest mirrors to each other. When we notice conflict arise, we look inwardly and see how we may be projecting issues we have with ourselves onto each other. It's never been that "bubble" love I had with other partners, but it's nourishing in the best ways :)
Thanks Nicole. The timing of your choices for subject matter is often uncanny.
Juwon Ogungbe !!!!!!
Agreed
Thank you for this! I'm so glad it's helpful.
Agree. I was just journaling today about how my ex and I were in trauma bond - that's the first time I put such a label on it. Part of me wishes I had not watched the video tonight, b/c I'm still grieving the end of the relationship, so it was a bit triggering (mainly b/c at the end about working on issues while still a couple). Had I known of this content it may have helped us, but then again, I'm not sure. The relationship was only a year long, and LDR as well. But, still, yes, uncanny timing for me too. Can youtube look into my journal?! 🕵🏼♀️ Thank you, Nicole, for your clarity.
All I can say is wow! I’m on the verge of tears, thank you for speaking to my soul!
Wow! 10 minutes well-spent. This made me think a lot.
The last woman i dated was emotionally charged trauma coupling. It was pretty awful from start to end. It was fast and she was drinking. I didnt feel safe and my authentic self was in hiding. I felt a lot of fear and pressured. I never want that again. I was so anxious with and without her
Spoke my mind man..
Been born in a divorced family, my mother married again, but both father figure were withdrawn, my mother was unpredictable, never knew what would come next. It wasnt a safe place to be. A codependent mother to her husband, my stepfather. As I grew older I tend to be in relationships where the push-pull scenario was day to day bread. Now at 34, after letting go of a 4 years relationship with an older man, who was like a father to me, or what a father should be, still he was abusing, I think we were both abusing each other psychologically. Now I have realised, that actually I never learnt how it is to have a healthy connection to a father figure, and once this is settled, how it is to have a healthy connection to a male partner. I wish to heal, it will take as much time it needs, I m not rushing into new relationship, but I want to heal deeply. Thank you for this video
He trauma coupled to me, I love bonded to him. I still love him. That sucks.
I’m currently healing from a veeeery turbulent long term relationship while also getting to know a potential new partner and it is awesome to hear that it is already waaay healthier than my past relationships. Glad to have grown and that I took the very hard but necessary step to break up with my ex. Thank you for sharing, it helped me reflect over my habits.
enxvictoria if you don’t mind me asking, how long did you wait before you got into a new relationship
@@jetredrose yup. healing is a long and hard process ...
These videos are a real life changer. I am a parent and if I can take away some tips that can improve my relationship with myself and therefore my own children so they can grow to be confident, relaxed humans with lots of self worth and self respect - something I’ve never had - then I will be forever grateful to RUclips and all the wonderful kind hearted people who share their knowledge on here... 🙏🏼🌱
This was so informative. Thank you! There are so many videos out there about narcissistic/codependent relationships which are great but I really appreciate how you explained trauma coupling. I definitely look at it in a different way now! Thanks again
Thank you for putting this into a comprehensive format! I’m so glad that my relationship with God, counseling, support group, and good/safe friends and family have really helped me grow and heal.
I’m not ready to watch this yet, so I’m archiving it in my “watch later” 😳
That’s real
Watch when ur ready, but its good knowledge just in case u find yourself in a trauma bond and can be aware of the signs
I did the same, and today I feel ready to watch it and every single part of it resonates. But despite that stinging, it's helpful to understand what's happening and why, and to know that there is hope. I wish you the best of luck. ♥️
Made myself watch it. Was definitely mine opening and more than I expected. I'd advice you to watch it if you have not already
I thought it was gonna be too much to handle right now, but i actually feel relieved and think more logically and dont feel so lonely. Dont pause your healing, get onto it ;)
This was very helpful. was worried that there was no hope in trauma couples, but am glad there is a way to change.
Dated a girl with BPD (never diagnosed but she checks literally every box) where she had the unhealthiest way of arguing over the most menial things. She’d put me down for not cooking to her standards and when I’d ask like “why are you being mean? Why are you talking to me like that?” She’d just flip and get really mad and start arguing with me and not want to stop.
I saw the red flags and never knew it was BPD, because I just thought it was bipolarism (I now know the difference after watching videos since our breakup) but after arguing she’d start being loving and caring and crying and begging for me to stay. Almost like a switch flipped.
She was so attached and trauma bonded, and I think I was too. I’d break up with her several times but it never felt right not having her there, because BPD’s are extremely hard lovers and it didn’t feel right having no love the way she gave it. And we’d talk about her anger and how she’d change but it just never happened because therapy is needed.
It’s really depressing because I think we would’ve worked otherwise, but considering she was emotionally abused and I think physically abused by her mom growing up, it just projected onto me and it was hell, but it’s not her fault and I feel guilty.
If you don’t heal this part of you ( being the saviour in someone else’s story) you will attract the same kind of lovers into your life. Same storyline different actors.
You both need therapy separately..You are staying due to guilt, that's not good. Do yourself and your partner separate and heal or your life will be very unstable, volatile and you'll have PTSD because of thie connection.. ❤
I have so much love for this video. Thank you so much. I can’t even begin to tell you how much my wife and I are connected. Most people talk about how these relationships can never heal. But the thing is, my wife and I were each other’s safe space for a few years in jr high and high school. I’m not going to write the novel in our beautiful story in here. But what I will say is this. Sometime shortly after we got married it became toxic on both ends. But then one day I woke up. I’ve been searching for years to find a spiritual path that suited exactly what I was looking for. I found it in Norse Animism. Women were treated honorably and as sacred. Some how we both lost sight of who we married. Substance was involved for both of us. Then bam! I decided on my own that my drinking was toxic. Then I had to go backwards. I had to remember who my best friend was. The absolute head over heels I was for her. Then following…remembering the amazing human being I married. We both have things to work on still, but we are constantly doing work and doing better at holding beautiful space for each other. I had to do some research to pull this off, I had to find a gentle way to approach things. I had to admit I was toxic, I had to admit to her things, I had to change things, I knew she did too. So we risked it all and put it all out on the table. Including all of our darkness that we have embraced from our past. All marriages go through Hell, but the strong ones walk through the fire together. Trust me it’s been very rewarding and worth it. We are not new together. We’ve been together many times and we recognized each other the day we met. Many people with different abilities have confirmed it. I think one of our roles is to show people that anything you go through can be repaired. We are doing a bunch of holistic and therapeutic work and we are now closer together than we ever have been. Many marriages would not have survived much that we’ve been through. But I must say, it wasn’t all bad and it wasn’t all toxic. Despite all of that in the past we did make time to connect. Anyway that’s my short version of my soap box and thank you for believing that even traumas within a couple can be healed.
Coming from a person who was literally an abuser because of their past trauma, I went through what could have been an amazing and beautiful relationship and tore it all down without ever even realizing it until it was too late. I’ll never be that person in a relationship again, because the pain of it ending pushed me to realize I wasn’t being my authentic self. All I ever did was repeat what my parents had done to me as a child and projected that onto her. Never again will that cycle repeat, I’m healing and feeling more level-headed than ever. 💕
How did you get help for it? How long did it take for you to adequately be over the trauma abusing?
You are My Angel . Saving my souls and lifting me up , giving a hope for healthy loving relationship. Let’s continue the work !!! Thank you ❤
I'm so glad I found your channel. I'm going through this at the moment.
Is your name Nina? My name is Nina and my aunt used to say "Nina Bobina"
@@rainbowsonmyeyeballs8771 It is indeed ☺
Wow.. we are such complex creatures... love is the only answer.. inside and out! Thanks for sharing
The infamous video that made me break up w my ex. She hit me w all sorts of truths
I love you and thank you ❤️ My entire family did what you described with the way they treated me and spoke to me. I always just wanted to be a good girl so mommy doesn’t get mad and be disappointed. I was very confused. I heal myself largely in an intuitive way and after watching your video I think I can say that the relationship I am in right now is NOT a trauma bond or coupling. Yes, we share similar traumas but there is so much more to him and I and the spectrum of our relationship. We feel safe together and do not judge, rather we help each other grow! Looking forward to following you on IG and hearing more xo❤️
Very interesting stuff... people often return to what they know or have gotten used to, but we must learn to break this habit if we are to evolve and become the best version of ourselves 🌈 namaste, have a nice day xxxxxxxxxxx
I just got out of a three-year relationship that I now know was a trauma bonded one and this video has given me clarity about our entire time spend together. Thank you so much for this and thank you YT for recommending me something that's actually wonderfully helpful to me.
I’m In a beautiful relationship right now with someone who cares deeply, but I am the one still working in the trauma coupling stage of my life. I am aware of it though and that is a huge step towards healing. 💜
Thank you. I find it amazing how the universe gives you exactly what you need at the moment you need it. I came across this by accident, just scrolling and it jumped out at me. Having just ended another toxic relationship and always knowing I was the common denominator in every destructive romantic relationship I've had. I still wasnt aware of what I was doing except that my picker was very broken. But you just turned the light bulb on. And now its time to heal. Still not sure how to do that but at least now I have a direction to go forward instead of feeling stuck
Absent parent - I have bonded with emotionally distant men, my last partner was extremely distant to the extend of silent treatment and punishment. In the beginning I’m attracted to the silent, quiet, coy type. Now going forward I know I need emotional connection so the quiet, aloof, emotionally distant just isn’t going to cut it for me.
Popped up on my feed when I needed it. so divine. thank you!
You are AWESOME! Finally coming to terms with the death of my father 36 years ago has allowed me to see some patterns that I had when it came to my ex husband.
My mother has always been a beautiful and kind anchor for me, but there was a female family member that caused some emotional pain. Growing up, there was a saying ‘children are to be seen and not heard’ and ‘ what goes on in our family, stays in our family’ so there were things that were said that I assumed were normal. They were not.
I’ve made peace with those that I believed ‘wronged’ me and things have been made clear. Although, healing isn’t linear and I can catch myself ruminating over something, I quickly recognize it and walk myself through it. Telling myself you aren’t that little girl and you’re safe’.
Because the body remembers although our brains may ‘forget’, I remember having nasty sore throats as a child that had to basis in anything physical. As I got older and began to use my voice, the sore throats disappeared as quickly as they began. I have also suffered from 26 years of debilitating migraines.while I have done some self reflecting, shadow work and they have eased up some, I need them to go away. Forever!
Thank you, for being a light in this world.
You’ve gained a new subscriber 😊😊😊
This channel is going to help transform my life!
I just love you. Thank you for doing this. It helps so much. so much.
I love you!
Love your honesty, and your truth.. You lived through pain and made it out to teach us the red flags. Thank u..
I‘m speechless, you helped me so many times. I’m forever grateful 🙏❤️
I'm grateful you are here. It's an honor to help.
Thank you for providing hope! Sometimes I feel so defeated
I feel sad I was born into a bad situation.
I understand but please don't. It made you who you are and you have the information to turn it all around.
I'm sorry you feel that way 😔💔
use the pain to grow. you will become more powerful and loving for it
Itsabout understanding this sadness and not to blame others as perhaps they didnt knew any better. And didn't know how to break this cycles. Hence addiction. But as much is easy to say it. It is hard. Breaking of mother and father is when we see life
bad situations can be a guide from a certain perspective
These comments are powerful. 💗🤍 It really helps to understand...
I have anxious attachment style and always get into trauma bondings. But I still have this perception and belief that love has to be passionate and if it's safe it's boring, so you can't be in love...
omg same :////
Oh wow. This video has clarified a lot for me. I have recently come out of a 12 year relationship where I was "Trauma partnered". Looking back, she displayed all the same "push/pull" signs that mimicked my moms behaviour when I was a child. The dynamics of my relationship between my mom & I when I was a child, and the dynamics of this 12 year relationship were identical. I kind of already knew this, but not to this extent with this much clarity. I'll use this realisation to further aid me in my healing journey. Thank you so much for sharing. 🙏🏻
Please share an example of what your mom did so I dont do it to my 6 year old son
@@tatummoyo8448 hi, my mom fell under the "unpredictable" catagory of this video (number 2) she was very emotionally unpredictable and volatile when I was growing up. She was never physical, but her outbursts where scary and we could never predict what would set her off. This created a "walking on eggshells" dynamic for me especially. Constantly trying to avoid "triggering" her or if she did get mad, trying to pacify her. She's matured a lot since I was a child, and she doesn't act that way anymore. I guess she's healed herself, we've never really spoke about it but we are close now. I entered into a relationship where the dynamics where the same (Emotionally unpredictable, volatile,Eggshells, Pacifying etc) basically recreating the emotional relationship I had with my mom. I'm out of that relationship now, and I too have healed myself. So all's well that ends well but I'd advise you to be acutely aware of your son's emotions and how you effect him. Try to have predictable emotional responses (RESPONSES NOT REACTIONS, That is VERY important.) So your son will know where the boundaries are drawn. It's ok to be angry, disappointed etc but be consistent and measured as best you can. ✌🏻
@@chris.version3.1.68 wow thank you for responding so quickly.i understand what you are saying.i grew up with a stepmom where nothing was ever good enough for her,my dad was emotionally distant I married and constantly felt anxiety and walking on eggshells kind of vibe.
I'm mindful of my behaviour with my son but I have my down days where everything irritates me.i sometimes feel rage coming up and try and control it other times I overreact.
I never want to create an environment where I rage and then apologise after because that's what the cycle of abuse looks like.
Thank you and be blessed
@@tatummoyo8448 no problem, we are here to help each other heal. 🙏🏻 Just continue on your healing journey and do your best. You're in the right corner of the internet. 🙂 Any more questions let me know. ✌🏻
@@chris.version3.1.68 I will definitely and thank you.one more question about the lady you were with.do you hold yourself responsible in that relationship or do you feel she was the bad one.when I had my realization of my relationship with my ex,I blamed him and badmouthed him and I'm only realizing now how I was not responsible for maybe not speaking up and expressing myself clearly when things felt overwhelming. We were never allowed to speak up and express ourselves so I carried that with me.i also somehow felt gas lighted when I felt brave to speak up and then I questioned if it was all in my head.
To all who read this, it's not all your faults. Forgive yourself and forgive the people. You just need time to heal. Once you feel okay you can see better of which person that's really matter for you and is worth fighting for. Learn to heal, learn to love. ❤ You're not alone, been there done that.
I recently discovered you! Right on time. Gods grace. Your are such a beautiful teacher. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and helping us all heal. You are an amazing soul. Thank you from my healing heart to yours !!
Thank you for this video!! You point out so many issues that I've been reflecting upon recently. I've been single for a year now and I found it important to take this time to look back and see what not to manifest next time around. My last relationship was definitely trauma coupling. Your work always comes at the right time. 🙏🏻❤✨
Hi! You'e done the work. A beautiful love is coming your way.
@@TheHolisticPsychologist 🙏🏻❤ Thank you
You don't even know how much this video helped me
Lovely channel. Im glad to have found it. Now to binge 💯
Thank you! Enjoy
Thank you for posting this!! It’s incredibly helpful and I mostly appreciate your emphasis on “it’s normal, but you can change for the better”. Thank you 💕
Trauma bonding is when you become so accustom to the roller coaster,that you mistaken for love,it's just a familiar pattern,dont like it!
I just got into another fight with my mom and was stirring in thoughts of why the hell she causes me so much pain. Loaded up youtube to self-soothe and the algorithm put this in my feed! Thank you so much for this, it was very informative and I'm excited to delve into more of your wok.
I don't experience all my relationships as one or the other. I've had a lot of experiences where there is some trauma hooking us together, but also incredible growth out of that simply by being together, loving each other, and having a lot of depth and connection both through that shared trauma and outside it. I think it depends on both people's capacity and willingness to grow.
your insight is very valuble! so is the way you express it :) one love beautiful lady!
The answer to that is always trauma, but on a deeper level the answer is both.
I just love how you explain things! Very easy to follow and extremely helpful. Thank you!
Much love doc, my tears are just rolling
Much love!
Now we know ...
Thank you for your work, the confirmation and permission to heal.
Thank you. Clearest teachings l have ever come across.
This is so very much needed! Cause we dont always notice or understand these patterns. Thank you so much for educating people on such important matters that are so decisive for out lives. From the bottom of my heart :)
If it feels like your able to fly.
Run away.
I met 2 women last year one I felt really connected to attracted and very calm around.
And the other one I felt sick I couldn't eat sleep lost my shit big time like an addiction.
Chose her lost my job.
Don't chase that shit.
If it makes you feel highly highly attracted.
It will smash you although I learned a lot from it so positives to be taken from it
Tom Smith sooo common. Love / attachment affects the same area of the brain as cocaine. Withdrawal effects are real!
Best to figure out why you were attracted to those types of women. At least now you’ll be able to watch for the red flags you’re aware of. 🙏
Hey Tom smith im trying to figure out if im experiencing the same relationship with my current GF who i cant really fall asleep with and sometimes tend to not be as hungry as her or get full very easy and i feel super comfortable with her physically tho
Addina Zamil oh nvm sorry
It's such an odd thing I am connecting with a girl with trauma its been 3 to 4 months and it just doesn't go anywhere, I feel like I only receive if I give, if I grow cold to get something back she gets confused, she doesn't even realize whats happening, all of it is so emotionally unhealthy, if I give I am matched, if I don't she wont initiate anything substantial it's driving me insane! I cant stand another stupid pointless dog picture, she says I am a simp, but in a good way, I am like what? I treat you this way because of your trauma! maybe this is all just a bizarre hero complex pity thing, but it all seems so oddly emotionally neglectful I cant stand it anymore
Great video. All 3 for me! It’s led me to pretty much withdraw from everyone and no relationship for several years, doesn’t feel safe. Something I heard recently is beware when you meet someone new, a potential partner, who might feel “comfortable” right away. It could be down to an unwelcome familiarity i.e. displays same old behaviour we’re used to. Take time to assess them and you properly. I have a lot of work to do!
I feel like I've been in relationships where "the good, the bad, the ugly" did all come out, and they weren't healthy ones.
Thank you very much for this video! I've been in two trauma couplings over the last two years and I have to say that realising that those are life lessons helped me very much to slowly get over it. And the gut feeling is something that helped me to get through it as well. Even though I didn't listened to it in the beginning.
It's not easy when you are somehow "addicted" to the person. You do not only feel emotional but sometimes also physical pain. It's hard. But eventually manageable.
always on time. thank you for your work!
Thank you for the disclaimer at the end to not get ashamed ❤️
This isn’t comedy.. the disrespect from YT. Very informative
almost cried. thank you for this.
Confusing relatability with a bond. You explained this really well! Thanks.
Thank you, that is reaaaaallly crucial content!
I really like the way this person writes the letter E
Ever since my first break up, which i never healed from, i have never allowed myself to get close to anyone again b/c i knew/feared i would need it + be addicted to the relationship again. Basically, Idk if I've ever known love. My gut tells me no. And idk if i ever will b/c to try means diving into the same waters
Rocio Iribe try it again when it feels right, but only if it feels right
@@wmak199 🙏 I'm trying! Been working on healing for the past year. It's incredibly difficult to say the least.
Same, I can relate
WOW im so thankful i clicked on this. It just hit me that both of my parents were emotionally unavailable. I'm 42 and every man i entertained was emotionally not there. I've been single for some years now. It's felt safer to be with my kids and no one else. WOW.
thank you for taking the time to do all of the videos you do. you help me a lot. #selfhealers
I really appreciate this!
You really broke down incredibly important information quickly & thoroughly.
Saving to rewatch & share!
Thanks!!
Thank you so much for this. Super powerful!
Thank you!
I like that you give practical info and not woo when it comes to healing.
Wow, finally your 10min video actually made it clear what it means when we chose partners that are like our parents, took me a psy degree and 3 decades and didn’t understand that until now. Question is how do we recognize it early on in the relationship and avoid or overcome it?
I think I need to watch this another 9 times... So deep!😢
Narc Free Formula on RUclips looks at Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Push and Pull and trauma bonds is typical in Narc relationships.
Narcissm is just living in the false self......we all have narccissitc tendencies