#selfhealers-- I created this video so you could understand more about the way you process emotions and communicate. So much of this is dictated by the relationship we have with earliest caregivers. As adults, the more awareness we have around this the more access to healing we have. Let me know if you have any feedback! Much love, Nicole
Do u think it is possible to have two attachment types? I feel like I am Secure and Insecure Anxious. I spent half my time with my grandmother (secure) and my mother (Insecure Anxious).
The Holistic Psychologist thank you for this - I feel like I am a mix of the last 3? As I become more self aware I am moving up the ladder, I think ... thank you for saying what you said, it will help me do better in being a parent. It’s so hard to stay attuned to the child’s needs all the time but I’m trying, my own mood gets in the way but I’m trying so hard to not do that to my kids like it was done with me. Thanks for the insight, I experienced all three of the lower ones so that is my goal to be the first one for my children, thank you for clarifying 💖
@karen ralph I feel like it matters. Obviously having one reliable emotionally available caregiver is better than nothing. In my family that was my mom. Thanks to her I have some secure attachment characteristics. But I also have insecure anxious characteristics because she was constantly putting aside her needs to help others (my dad, my brothers and me). My brothers became combinations of insecure-avoidant and insecure-anxious because they had a stronger relationship with my dad than me, and copped a lot more of the ways he modeled behavior / masculinity. I never really gelled with masculinity from a young age for some reason, so my mom became my primary caregiver and a larger influence on me. I have also seen this play out in a friend's family. She is an amazing mom of two, has done (and is doing) a ton of self-healing work and just getting divorced from her absentee/neglectful/manipulative/controlling husband who makes all his relationships about him (e.g. he didn't let her buy her son a 2nd pair of shoes until he left his coat somewhere and demanded they go "shoe" shopping. He made a beeline for the coat section and also took credit for the 2nd pair of shoes). However the son is much more like his mom because she has been there "in the trenches" with him, so to speak. This is one of the ways that I believe patriarchy has the potential to provide the seeds of its own demise: it relies on 3rd party child caregivers. If those caregivers provide secure attachment modeling, it can break the intergenerational insecurity. I feel like we look for insecure-anxious caregivers, though, as "ideal" because they silently and reliably put aside their own needs to care for others without "rocking the boat" and they avoid conflict where their needs conflict with the dominant circumstances. Protects vs calling into question the ego (both theirs and others').
I appreciate the courage and transparency you model in using yourself and your healing journey as an example, where applicable to the content you provide!
@@aundrinastubbe4525 she said these all exist on a spectrum and I think the same as you -- we are never or rarely fully one single type due to variations in modeling we receive. But I do think we have at least one or two dominant type(s). I think I have a primary secure and secondary insecure-anxious type, for example.
Jeff. Tell your therapist that you feel like you have to make shit up when he/she asks you how it feels in your body. You have no idea what they are talking about and that they need to dig deeper if you are going to keep paying a fee. Then refer her to Dr. Peter Levine for info on somatic experiencing and Dr. David Berceli for TRE. I know Levine has an online course that may cost less than you are paying to lie to your therapist. Sending love to you. ❤️
@@jcepri I think you should be honest with your therapist that you don't know what to answer. You are not there to please anyone and I don't think the therapist actually wants that anyway. And they won't be able to help you if they don't know what's really going on. Even the greatest therapists are not mind readers. But it is probably worth checking why you want to please them?
The Holistic Psychologist l am so happy to have found you. I am constantly translating your insta posts to Spanish. If you ever consider translating your work l would be proud to Do such a beautiful work. Big love and gratitude
Since I became aware of attachement styles, it pains me to see parents mistreating their children and thinking of the pain that child will carry into their adulthood. It also added to the fear of ever becoming a parent myslef...
yesssss youre so right. but you know you can switch that mindset and be the one to break that generation curse. once you have youre child, you will know how to treat and speak to them. you already know how it feels.
It's good u recognise it I'm in my 40s feel ill never get over the abuse of my mother thrn father of my kids it was a repeat abuse relationship like I had with my mother waking uip in mú. 40s to this absolute frightening reality she is sorry yet I'm immobilised by terror at what she done to my life
How our parent see us in childhood, is how we see us in adulthood. If they emotionally abuse child, the child dont hate them but hate themselve. So any one suffering from selfhate and doubt understant that its not true. You are worthy to be loved, love yourself.
That is super insightful too, thank you!! That "the child learns to hate themselves," - so true! Wish it weren't that way. Now to undo it all.... sigh. Lol! Wish the way to do that was clear also! ❤
Yes, that's me - I was hated; and although I was a model student and talented, people said, I'm not successful, and am crippled by self-doubt. And by limiting beliefs. Thanks for the ray of hope and encouragement!! xD
I grew up with A very anxious family , very impatient, overthinking , and most of all no boundaries, it all came from my dads sides of the family my grandmother is the same way with a temper screams at everyone very belittling no boundaries, my dad is the same growing up I watched my dad argue with my mom and vice Versa , I grew up with so many emotions of hate , sadness , worthless and wanting a new family bc I knew my family was bad , I grew up and got into a relationship and I was the toxic one I had the same mannerism as I did with my parents I didn’t know how to love I didn’t know what boundaries were , how do communicate etc , now I wanna change I need help
Good to hear you are motivated to seek help. This is possible with time, but SO MUCH easier with a good therapist. Seek out one. And do the work. Be patient. Good luck.
I had an emotionally unavailable father, and sometimes he was quite abusive toward me. He was really young when he had me, and I don't think he knew how to raise a daughter. I feel that now, it's manifested this mindset that men don't have real feelings, and won't ever attempt to understand me. I've been in relationships with unevolved, emotionally unavailable and avoidant men, where the relationship is mainly based on physicality
I feel you. Emotionally unavailable father & had relationships where it was based on the physical and the guy was literally, emotionally unavailable. My mom also wasn’t the best example of healthy self-confidence, very insecure. My childhood was a freaking mess. But I learned a lot of what I DON’T want. I don’t want a workaholic husband, for example. Now, I have a wonderful husband who had a pretty healthy childhood. He doesn’t fully understand, but he’s supportive of me. I don’t think anything could have prepared him for my childhood scars & issues within my family. But he is amazing and loyal and COMMUNICATES with me. Don’t settle girl. Life gets better. I’m finally, for the first time in my life, happy now. ❤️
@@emb1218 OHHH MY GODD....I cant tell how much i relate with u...everything..emotionally unavailable father , insecure mom and wanting a partner who is not anxious as i am and yesssss who is more expressive than i am...basically who Communicates...i so relate with that feeling!!!! DAMNNNN
Oh, god. Brought tears to my eyes. Thank you Dr. Nichole. Truly needed this, as im a mum now. I wanna raise my child better. I know it has to get fixed so the cycle stops
I'm so proud of you for wanting to make the changes in order to ensure a healthier lifestyle for yourself and for your children's future. That is really encouraging! Thank you for saying it out loud!❤
”I had a mother who is very emotionally disconnected, living out her attachment style from childhood. But that left me very alone to navigate very big feelings on my own, so I really struggled within my own emotions. I could have a whole lot of things happening internally, externally you might not know. Or if you are aware that something is going on with me, you’re not experiencing me as seeking or looking for reassurance or support because I’m replicating that model, I didn’t have someone showing up for me and helping me with my emotions.” 💗
I love how you talk about your own experiences, I don't know how common that is in the field but I would be much more inclined to open up to someone who has issues as well
@@TheHolisticPsychologist how is it possible to overcome these unhealthy attachment styles if at all? I'm 34 and never have been in a happy relationship.
Is it possible to be more than one? My mother provided me with the security as a child. Meanwhile, my dad was the withdrawn , angry, abusive, and alcoholic who made a part of me insecure anxious and possibly insecure disorganized. I’m so grateful I found your videos since I just got out of a toxic relationship and my father just passed away and I am really trying to dig dip within myself and self heal to be able to understand and love myself before getting into a romantic relationship.
I am definetly the insecure anxious attachment style. Even my mom said that when my school teacher asked me when I am happy, I responded: I am happy when EVERYONE around me is happy.
My notes of the talk: We are hard-wired to connect with our primary caregivers, learn from and replicate these early childhood models in our own relationships with others. Our parents teach us/model how to: 1. Connect with others 2. Navigate environments 3. Recover from stress (emotional resilience) which develop into 4 main attachment styles (1 secure and 3 insecure sub-types) 1. Secure 2. Insecure-avoidant 3. Insecure-anxious 4. Insecure-disorganized 1. The autonomous adult has caregivers able to tolerate own and relational stress, differentiate between their needs and other's needs and remain attuned to the needs of the child. They showed up for your stress and helped you navigate and understand it. The child develops ability to spend time alone, navigate their emotions alone but also communicate their emotions and relate to the emotional experiences of others. Has language and stress tolerance to help others 2. Avoidant: Disconnected from physical and/or emotional connection, leaving the child to navigate their emotions alone. The child develops a disconnect between their internal emotional world and how they relate to and navigate relationships. [I think this describes the stoic tendencies of patriarchal masculine gender socialization, for example]. Less sensitive to socioemotional cues of others. Emotionally opaque, neutral, robotic or absent in relationships. 3. Anxious: a mis-attunement (tension or conflict) between child's needs and the caregiver's needs, where the caregiver prioritizes and responds to their needs first or even at the expense of the child's needs. If the caregiver is feeling OK, the relationship is ok. If the caregiver isn't feeling ok, the relationship becomes about the caregiver trying to feel ok again. Looks like unpredictability or inconsistency. On "good days" it looks like attunement to child's needs only because the caregiver's needs are already met. On "bad days," the caregiver becomes distracted by their u addressed distress and self-focused on meeting their needs. The caregiver even externalizes and projects their needs onto the child rather than owning and accounting for them. Regardless, the child's needs disappear from consideration at least temporarily (this might be particularly traumatic before a child develops object constancy). The seemingly-random episodic unpredictability leads trains the child into questioning the trustworthiness of intimate relations and fearing abandonment. Secondary issue of developing a habit of maintaining shallow vs intimate relationships as a proactive defense. Child develops a tendency to over-ride their own needs in order to address the needs of others. The "helper" or "caregiver" archetype. Puts others first, due to learning in childhood "if you are OK, then I will be OK" [Describes the tendencies of patriarchal feminine gender socialization, for example] 4. Disorganized: caregiver tends toward neglectful, depressed, traumatized, abusive, etc behavior. Creates confusing mixed modeling and messaging around safety: neither safe for the child in the relationship nor safe to run away and be without a caregiver to (help) meet basic physical and emotional needs. Push-pull contradictions. Child develops inability to distinguish between "safety" and "danger" in relationships. May confuse one for the other erratically or consistently dismiss or misinterpret danger as safe (creating risk for abuse or exploitation) or safe as dangerous (creating risk for isolation). Inability to regulate their own emotional state in the face of constant internal conflict, contradiction and confusion. we are never or rarely fully one single type due to variations and diversity in relationships with caregivers and the resulting variations or diversity in modeling we receive.
At first I thought this comment was over-done, but I actually have found it quite helpful!!! To hear it fleshed out by another's words and understanding of context. Thank you!! 😄👍
I love how every Sunday is a new pearl of wisdom from you Dr. Nicole😁 Please keep dropping these truth bombs, waking up the masses and helping us all heal! No more trauma responses passing itself off as culture😉
@@TheHolisticPsychologist I thank you so much. I follow you on IG under Ladysag77 and Emotionalmusings. I asked you to read my poem "Boundaries" which you so graciously did. I absolutely applaud your work. I can't take 100% credit for that last sentence about trauma responses and culture however bc I saw it as a post on IG somewhere and I can't remember where. As a writer myself I would never attempt to take credit for another writer's words😁
Watching in the UK. Made me cry. But im 50 now and ive broken the cycle with my kids. I can identify with those last 2 categories btw! You are fabulous. Thank you!
Wow. Ive taken many psych classes,and this is the CLEAREST, most understandable explanation. Thank you! All those insecure styles resonate. I grew up in a violent home,ended up with grandparents a lot who had 7 kids of their own, working class, so i raised myself. Achieved as a kid, addicted as a young adult,trauma after trauma,and now Im healing, as a mom, in my 40s.
All I want to say is thank you, thank you so much!! This actually made me cry. I was raised by very manipulative and abusive parents, now that I am in a very secure and loving relationship I randomly get anxiety and wonder if I'm safe and if he's just manipulating me like my parents. It's been eating at me and I felt like I hit a brick wall on my healing journey. So thank you for sharing this knowledge with the world and opening doors towards unbelievable healing and growth. Much love 💚
I grew up in an extremely abusive family. The only one who showed me unconditional love & support was my grandfather. If it wasn't for him I know I would of been dead as a child. Yep the two lower ones is what I've had as a child. More the bottom one. Thank you for this video.
I so have issues with this. My childhood was stressful. My mother was disconnected an my grandmother was disconnected. I have issues with being abandoned. No on shows up for my stress. Just me. Thank u fir this. I found u today for a reason
Hey thank you so much for putting this out. I've been realizing in the last 24 hours how unhealthy my relationship with my mother is. Can you do a video on navigating boundaries with parents in particular? And how to as an adult communicate emotional needs and build a healthier more productive relationship? Thanks my dude you're awesome 😊
I'm in the process of re-parenting my Self and this information has been so helpful. I fall into 2 categories, one from each of my parents: Insecure anxious (Mom) and Insecure disorganized (Dad). It's going to take some more work to fall into the Secure category, but I know it's not too late to be the adult I deserve to be.
Even I have an Avoidant attachment style and your point about not understanding or responding well to non verbal cues and feelings of other people was spot on. I’ve had a lot of trouble understanding and getting in touch with my feelings and others
Hugely impactful to me as a parent! I try to be as conscious of a parent as I can, but after watching this I can see there are areas where I can offer more support to my littles. Thank you Dr. Nicole!
This explains a lot. My mom is a single parent. My dad rarely comes visit me. When he does, we barely spoke a word.my mom had to work so i was raised by different maids (changed every 1 or 2 years) I was treated differently than my 2 older brothers. (2nd child was the golden child. The whole extended family was focused on him. I never understood why) i was to serve them. Prioritized them. I was expected to be the servant of the family as i was the only girl when we didnt have a maid.my mom was emotionally unvavailable. No physical touch or love. Always busy. I always questioned my existence since 8 years old and feel like i dont have long to live (maybe i hoped that i would just die) didnt know how to make friends. Got stuck with a group of girls that i didnt feel i belong with. I barely opened my mouth until i was 28 years old. I even married a narcissist because of this. Had a divorce last year. From everyone and everything except for my son.still fixing the pieces. I hope to break the cycle with my son. Im now with my bf. He helped me a lot. Made me the happiest person. But im starting to doubt our relationship. He started to become physicially violent to me when we got into a fight. Im worried for my son's safety in the future. Im not sure if we should try to fix it or just break it off. I do care deeply for him. But i realised he's becoming more and more aggresive (would threathen to spread pictures/videos of me if i leave him) he would later say that he didnt mean it and he was just angry. But i dont feel safe anymore with him. Im stuck
Thank you for this. Ive been reflecting so much since losing my mom last year. Recall that the first time I went to a therapist when I was 20 I learned that I had parented my parents, they had me right out of high school. I relate to the Insecure Avoidant too, with the disconnects between what I feel and how I act. I also have a lot of other self-knowledge why I'm like that. But I'm also intuitive and highly sensitive, so I do pick up on the feelings of others...and it ALWAYS affects me, good or bad. Yet I also feel quite autonomous, and quite comfortable alone. Making long term high value connections remains a challenge, but I'm up for it. Moving along this journey!
This video is really helpful. I now understand a lot of patterns of myself that I didn't understand. I'm the insecure anxious type and everything has now sense. I'm working to become the secure one:)
I come under the insecure organised attachment and I've only just in the last couple of weeks been aware of it in my relationships. It's taken 31 years for me to see it! Thank you for this video. It's helped more than you could possibly know. x
I started following your content on instagram and when I saw that you have a youtube channel I went straight to subscribing. Love your simple and nice style of comunicating. I'm a 21 year old girl and I think I fall into the insecure anxious category. my mom has always put other people's needs first, including mine, and my father has been addicted to alcohol for years (some hardcore drinking). Lately something finally came over him and he's finally willing to put in the effort to quit drinking compulsively. I'm still distrustful of what the future holds for him and therefore afraid to end up disappointed, but I'm also faithfull that he will win against his addiction because he's a good man at his core. I'm now in my first relationship with a boy and I can't fully feel safe around him. This lack of security manifests itself on my phisical body dispite him being 100% trustworthy and present with my emotions. Your videos are helping me and I will surely follow your work, thank you!
Thank you so much for your honesty in this video. I am a therapist and also have had a primarily avoidant AS. My husband can never understand why I can be so good at my job and attune to clients/patients but struggle and have all these defences with him. It is very frustrating for both of us and you have just given some validation to this struggle so thank you so much :)
My shadow self can't take his eyes off of those thighs... Not ashamed anymore. I'll come back after I do my brethwork. Thank you all that you're doing here for us !
Wow. I've grown up in a toxic, abusive, narcissistic household with TWO narc parents. I've somehow managed to use the internet to learn everything I can about what I have experienced, put in the actual hard work to heal, and developed a Secure Attachment style ( or very close to it ). Healing is very real and it IS possible!
This is such great information. Not only am I able to identify what kind of caregivers my parents were for me, but I am able to identify what kind of caregiver I am to my son and what kind of caregiver I want to be. Thank you for your time and expertise!
I cannot wait until the next video! Like so many, it brought me to tears! To learn that I can start understanding about my emotions and begin the process of healing is so comforting. So glad I found you.
I can’t believe this brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for explaining this to us out there that have gone through deep emotional trauma. My dad was and still is an alcoholic, narcissist who physically and emotionally abused my siblings and I. My mother was strong and fought for us and gave us our physical needs but did not aid me emotionally nor did she make me feel safe but only because she didn’t know how to as she had a very rough childhood herself. For years and even now I struggle from insecurities, feelings of abandonment, and so much anxiety that has caused me to harm relationships and hate myself. I am now seeing a therapist to help me work through all this so I destroy that toxic familial pattern once and for all.
That’s the “era” of your mother... they lived through the War... I had a wonderful Grandmother who wasn’t hugely what would be classified “maternal” but she helped everyone and worked very hard to do it.
Wow.. suddenly reality hits me again:. I kept forgetting that i need to realize and accept that i was and still a victim of such relationship and I’m still clinging onto it instead of letting go.. thank you so much for this
Really just want to say I'm so grateful of your online presence in my existence. You've also really evolved with both your delivery and your content. Your videos and pacing are so great! Congrats to all your success and how many of us you are helping heal.
I am an INFJ highly sensitive , my parents are extrovert and highly opposite to me. Since childhood I had dismissive pattern of behaviour from them. My parents subjected me to comparing as they grew up with this behaviour of imposing , disregarding ny feelings, comparison as normal from their parents. I went through immense pain and people pleasing attitude due to their comparison and dismissive attitude , so much that I found pain in drawing boundaries , connecting with my own needs wants and expressing it , felt fear anxiety for a long time to express my needs as I won't be accepted and dismissed , attracting toxic partner and friends and normalising it inspite of feeling pain. Its only recently that I have recognised the faulty pattern. I am healing and I am happy and proud that Irecognised generation dysfunction and not pass it down to anyone.
I'm re-parenting to secure. Currently it means self-discipline, emotional feeling, being around safer people, and assertiveness. Before it looked a lot like punishing myself for being bad.
I put a lot into this video (from research to the layout) so I REALLY appreciate this! I really want people to have access to this info, and I’m grateful it’s belpful.
I saw you on Maria Menounos’ show and was blown away with all that you said. I’m so thrilled that I found you. And, here you are teaching us, offering so much! Thank you so much!
My mother left me, my father, and my sister for another man when I was four. I’ve had insecure avoidant attachment all my life and have still yet to ever be in a relationship at age 30.
Sam Cotten, that is straight up abandonment,,,,and unnatural for a mother,sorry you had to experience that. I would have to question what kind of childhood your mother had ,what kind of trauma she was having triggered in the relationship with your father. Dr. Gabor Mate is a great source of information,that might help you spread the pieces of your life puzzle out and put yourself back together in a clear and healthy way. Best wishes 🙏🏻
I don’t think age matters. I have seen from other comments on youtube that there are a lot of people who have never had relationships. About what you experienced, I am so sorry for that. I hope that someday you will be able to find an amazing partner.
i had one relationshipip a year ago at 27... it was the most love i ever experienced but i had so many triggers come out of me and was so overly anxious towards the end of it that she left me..... i wish my parents gave me coaching earlier in my 20's when i begged for it as i didnt have the money for quality coaches ..... im 29 now and more miserable than i was before ever meeting this girl
Very cute but those pants are unbelievably distracting, I only got 2 minutes in before I felt too uncomfortable and had to stop the video. Is it unreasonable of me to ask women dress a little bit more modestly during public presentations? I'm nothing like my parents. They are in a very long term stable married relationship and I'm a lone wolf. Stay safe and good luck!
@@PeterKnagge what?! Yes, that is definitely unreasonable for a man to ask a woman to dress any way other than how they are dressed. None of your concern at all. Also, you can choose to look at her face or the whiteboard when she's talking, or you can choose to not look at your device at all while you listen to her very interesting presentation.
(Ignoring Peter's chip) I was noticing that she looked like a schnazzy dresser, too, but I think the consistency has less (tho still some) to do with what she is wearing vs the "model effect" of projecting confidence or calm assertiveness, which makes people look good generally. Not saying she necessarily feels that way all the time (who does?) but I think she does a good job of projecting it via posture, body language, clarity and cadence of speech, lack of filler words, etc. I notice that a lot in anyone who is a well practiced presenter or public speaker.
You are so very deeply appreciated. I love the fact that you share your OWN experience, without shame, without excuse, you let us connect and relate to you on a personal level. I LOVE that about you!!! Thank you! You're grounding us all as humans, making us all feel interconnected and helping one another. You're so spot on! Doing excellent work!
This is SO SO helpful. I've not heard anyone speak with the clarity you have about family ties. It's so so complicated and I so often hear, ' your mum loves you' but my mum also didn't raise me well and neglected me! I've no idea whether maintaining family ties helps or hinders. x
Gosh this was really eyeopening, as all your content always is. I definitely feel like I fell under the category of Insecure Anxious. I was always the people pleaser and boundaries now are something I'm really trying to work on because I can see how I reflect that onto my son now. Thank you so much for bringing awareness to this.
So happy I found you! You help me feel so good about myself as a Father and as a Son who put up boundaries to not participate in family dinners any longer. I still have contact but only under my terms. Very empowering.
I can relate to the Insecure Anxious type. Everything you mentioned there I felt and experienced in my childhood and in my adulthood. My mother was exactly how you described here, and as a single mom she had a lot in her mind... growing up as an insecure anxious type, always people pleasing, I ended up attracting and attaching to more and more abusive and manipulative partners that were just benefiting from my behavior. In result, I started becoming more like the insecure disorganized type, where I couldn't really tell what's safe or dangerous anymore rather kept repeating the same patters and what felt "normal". But somehow i put an end to it all...I said thats it. NO MORE. Now, I'm here. Trying to heal from all that trauma (from my childhood and adulthood) and hoping to reach that top type, the Secure one one day. I am sooo so grateful that I came across your book... on a random day I walked in a bookstore and and there it was right in front of me calling on me!!! I loved it so much! So helpful to get unstuck! And now I'm here...starting my healing journey, watching ALL your video clips. THANK YOU SO SO MUCH. I finally feel hopeful again! ❤ and not so shameful!
I'm always strugle with my feeling although what I show to other is kind of a funny and open person but when the night fall I often cry on my own (sometimes without any specific reason). In the past, my mom was a strict parent and my dad is on other side, he adored me but not actually talk with me. And in my teenage time, I had a friend (luckily) to talk with but I only spend with her about 2 year then we'd been seperated. I sometimes felt like I was left out of the story. I don't know if this was because of the way my parents treat me (though they are still the best mom and dad) but I used to even harm myself to release my unspoken feeling. Then I tend to epress my bright side to others and keep everything to myself. I always feel that noone can understand or they don't have time for that. I even scared I might bother other. I hate that I show people the "me" who think about everything positively while I'm not. I hate it when people find joy when they hang out with me and I made them laugh while actually I can't do that to myself. I'm sorry for this broken-English since it was my 2nd languge but it somehow easier for me to tell by comment like this and noone known me could see my comment.
"Being in tune to others, and not being able to be in tune with my partner" is something I always questioned, and noticed in psychologists and therapists. That's one of the reasons why I've decided maybe it isn't for me. Maybe not at this moment in time.
Thank you for your amazing content, Dr Nicole! I relate to being a people-pleaser ...I’m 33 y.o and I’ve fallen in love with an amazing guy who was born in a different country, and a culture very different to my own. Although as people, I don’t feel we’re that different at all, and whenever I’m around him I feel extremely happy, relaxed and supported. I’ve told all my close friends , but I feel paralysed with anxiety about telling my Mum in particular, because she has a tendency to be incredibly critical, her moods and opinions in particular have always had such a strong influence on me. Then I feel really crappy for not having the courage, but it can feel almost impossible when your body becomes flooded with crippling anxiety and fight or flight emotions. I do feel I’m on a healing journey though, and your videos are so helpful in helping me gain understanding! Thank you! 💓
You just explained this in a way i could understand for the first time. i was even mis-characterizing my own style until this! You have a very strong gift in making things easy to grok. 2 vids, two epiphanies. I've been around self help/spiritual stuff for decades, this is the real deal. Thankyou, again
Wow, someone in the end telling about psychology and everything is easy to understand, logical and real. Psychology is generally marketed as a superior science full of mystical dynamics where only a professional can reach. Thanks doctor
Thank you so much for this, and for all you do. I have had great difficulty finding a therapist who does this kind of work where I live but am definitely in need. I look forward to continuing to learn how to reparent myself according to my combo of attachment styles. Thanks, again. ❤️
Insecure Anxious attachment kid here! I recently realized I have very little self worth unless I feel can give to someone else or feel/be needed. My children are grown, I am in process of getting a divorce and I'm not in a romantic relationship any more (it ended a month ago). I have been really struggling and very depressed! This patterning of making sure everyone else is OK and neglecting myself and my needs definitely trickles into other relationships. I have been working a lot on boundaries for several years. Still need improvement and grace in this area. Looking forward learning how to unlearn this pattern so I can be a better functioning, mentally healthier adult. Great video.
I am anxiously attached but I couldn't understand how or where it stems from. this video is the first and only source which explains how it stems! and it is spot on. that is how my mother acted towards me!
Avoidant- High on avoidance, low on anxiety, uncomfortable with closeness and primarily values independence and freedom; not worried about partner's availability
I’m feeling better just reading the title of this video. See, I always knew my parents were full of it, but they proved their trust-worthiness by paying for food and shelter. At 18, I fled. At 42, I haven’t cared what my parents say for nearly 30 years, but now that I’m trying to create an entrepreneurial business, all this stuff about the way my parents view me is coming back for reexamination. I’ve held on to this stuff for a long time. They contrived a story about me being a liar, before I could speak. It’s so daggone hard to explain before you can form words. I’m always over-explaining or over-sharing or bleeding out my wounds in some unhelpful way, because I’ve been taught I don’t have any wounds; that my perception of reality is false. 0:07
I am definitely the disorganized attachment style. I find myself overthinking and even researching how I feel to see if I’m correct in feeling the way I do. I don’t trust many and even when I do I feel like at some point they will just end up using me.
It's a strange feeling to not feel anxious and locked into the freeze state. But, I've got a really good handle on navigating my way through life or death situations alone. Very rewarding and exhilarating as an adult man, but not so much as a toddler. I didn't realize that Insecure Disorganized attachment was written all over me. I've just been surviving through my relationships in life and barely present in any of them. Worst of all, I haven't been present for myself.
Subbed! 🐸 Tyft! Real and reasonableness from someone who seems to understand what cannot be learned from textbooks nor lectures! Hurt people hurt people it's that simple. 💐🍃👌
I wait for those rare occasions when people around me seem happy, then I feel better about myself and begin planning a holiday, stick to my exercise routine and I meditate more. Watching others doing okay in their personal lives inspires action in me. Unfortunately, there are only a few times a year I detect happy moods in others. I still have no idea how to gain energy independently :(
Thank you Dr Nicole for this excellent presentation on attachment style. 💕 This really helped me understand why I was so fortunate to have a mother who was patient with me and provided me with security and confidence from childhood into adult life ! My father was the withdrawn type and caused disturbances and stress in the home. Thank you! This really helped me understand better my current relationships and why I question and evaluate others first before I can feel safe enough to trust. ❤
I am definitely insecure anxious that is 1000% a description of my mother my father lives in Disneyland 100% of the time only at 29 years old am I beginning my healing journey 🙏🏼
This is actually true.. my friend sees everything comparing it with his parents lives n incidents and are super paranoid about ending up like his parents and makes his and his wives'life miserable.
I love my parents and they love me a lot, but back then it wasn't as important to discuss emotions. We were discouraged from talking about them, or mental health problems (we had Huntington's in the family). I don't blame my parents at all, but The 2nd and 3rd types resonated with me. My Mom would always rush and show us pity if something happened to us and hug us, but there was a lot of anxiety going on inside me which I couldn't express because there wasn't that openness, just the parents (Dad) above who are right and then the children below. I still feel like I try to get people to pity me... lots of realizations after this- thanks!!!
#selfhealers-- I created this video so you could understand more about the way you process emotions and communicate. So much of this is dictated by the relationship we have with earliest caregivers. As adults, the more awareness we have around this the more access to healing we have. Let me know if you have any feedback! Much love, Nicole
Do u think it is possible to have two attachment types? I feel like I am Secure and Insecure Anxious. I spent half my time with my grandmother (secure) and my mother (Insecure Anxious).
The Holistic Psychologist thank you for this - I feel like I am a mix of the last 3? As I become more self aware I am moving up the ladder, I think ... thank you for saying what you said, it will help me do better in being a parent. It’s so hard to stay attuned to the child’s needs all the time but I’m trying, my own mood gets in the way but I’m trying so hard to not do that to my kids like it was done with me. Thanks for the insight, I experienced all three of the lower ones so that is my goal to be the first one for my children, thank you for clarifying 💖
@karen ralph I feel like it matters. Obviously having one reliable emotionally available caregiver is better than nothing. In my family that was my mom. Thanks to her I have some secure attachment characteristics. But I also have insecure anxious characteristics because she was constantly putting aside her needs to help others (my dad, my brothers and me). My brothers became combinations of insecure-avoidant and insecure-anxious because they had a stronger relationship with my dad than me, and copped a lot more of the ways he modeled behavior / masculinity. I never really gelled with masculinity from a young age for some reason, so my mom became my primary caregiver and a larger influence on me.
I have also seen this play out in a friend's family. She is an amazing mom of two, has done (and is doing) a ton of self-healing work and just getting divorced from her absentee/neglectful/manipulative/controlling husband who makes all his relationships about him (e.g. he didn't let her buy her son a 2nd pair of shoes until he left his coat somewhere and demanded they go "shoe" shopping. He made a beeline for the coat section and also took credit for the 2nd pair of shoes). However the son is much more like his mom because she has been there "in the trenches" with him, so to speak.
This is one of the ways that I believe patriarchy has the potential to provide the seeds of its own demise: it relies on 3rd party child caregivers. If those caregivers provide secure attachment modeling, it can break the intergenerational insecurity. I feel like we look for insecure-anxious caregivers, though, as "ideal" because they silently and reliably put aside their own needs to care for others without "rocking the boat" and they avoid conflict where their needs conflict with the dominant circumstances. Protects vs calling into question the ego (both theirs and others').
I appreciate the courage and transparency you model in using yourself and your healing journey as an example, where applicable to the content you provide!
@@aundrinastubbe4525 she said these all exist on a spectrum and I think the same as you -- we are never or rarely fully one single type due to variations in modeling we receive. But I do think we have at least one or two dominant type(s). I think I have a primary secure and secondary insecure-anxious type, for example.
You've actually helped me more than my actual therapist
honored!
I feel the same way. My therapist just stops me and asks what I'm feeling in my body. I never know what to say to that so I make something up.
My therapist referred me to the holistic psychologist! Mad props to my therapist and the holistic psychologist both :)
Jeff. Tell your therapist that you feel like you have to make shit up when he/she asks you how it feels in your body. You have no idea what they are talking about and that they need to dig deeper if you are going to keep paying a fee. Then refer her to Dr. Peter Levine for info on somatic experiencing and Dr. David Berceli for TRE. I know Levine has an online course that may cost less than you are paying to lie to your therapist. Sending love to you. ❤️
@@jcepri I think you should be honest with your therapist that you don't know what to answer. You are not there to please anyone and I don't think the therapist actually wants that anyway. And they won't be able to help you if they don't know what's really going on. Even the greatest therapists are not mind readers. But it is probably worth checking why you want to please them?
Oh This is so on point. Aw I am re-parenting myself into the secure mode. It´s never too late to have a beautiful childhood.
I’m proud of you! It really is never too late.
I am doing the same,I am actually at the very beginning. Sending you love and Light!
The Holistic Psychologist l am so happy to have found you. I am constantly translating your insta posts to Spanish. If you ever consider translating your work l would be proud to Do such a beautiful work. Big love and gratitude
Beautifully said 😊🙏💜
Well said 👌
Since I became aware of attachement styles, it pains me to see parents mistreating their children and thinking of the pain that child will carry into their adulthood. It also added to the fear of ever becoming a parent myslef...
yesssss youre so right. but you know you can switch that mindset and be the one to break that generation curse. once you have youre child, you will know how to treat and speak to them. you already know how it feels.
It's good u recognise it I'm in my 40s feel ill never get over the abuse of my mother thrn father of my kids it was a repeat abuse relationship like I had with my mother waking uip in mú. 40s to this absolute frightening reality she is sorry yet I'm immobilised by terror at what she done to my life
Yes. I hear you. I actually had to move on from some friends who are parents because this was to painful to see
Adoption
@@reg8297 Go forgive her, then you will have your power back
How our parent see us in childhood, is how we see us in adulthood. If they emotionally abuse child, the child dont hate them but hate themselve. So any one suffering from selfhate and doubt understant that its not true. You are worthy to be loved, love yourself.
That is super insightful too, thank you!! That "the child learns to hate themselves," - so true! Wish it weren't that way. Now to undo it all.... sigh. Lol! Wish the way to do that was clear also! ❤
Yes, that's me - I was hated;
and although I was a model student and talented, people said, I'm not successful, and am crippled by self-doubt. And by limiting beliefs. Thanks for the ray of hope and encouragement!! xD
You're projecting
That's 100% untrue
I grew up with A very anxious family , very impatient, overthinking , and most of all no boundaries, it all came from my dads sides of the family my grandmother is the same way with a temper screams at everyone very belittling no boundaries, my dad is the same growing up I watched my dad argue with my mom and vice Versa , I grew up with so many emotions of hate , sadness , worthless and wanting a new family bc I knew my family was bad , I grew up and got into a relationship and I was the toxic one I had the same mannerism as I did with my parents I didn’t know how to love I didn’t know what boundaries were , how do communicate etc , now I wanna change I need help
Look for my posts on boundaries, healing unhealthy family dymanics, and reparenting.
Same here:(
Wow. You described how I feel.
Same
Good to hear you are motivated to seek help. This is possible with time, but SO MUCH easier with a good therapist. Seek out one. And do the work. Be patient. Good luck.
I had an emotionally unavailable father, and sometimes he was quite abusive toward me. He was really young when he had me, and I don't think he knew how to raise a daughter.
I feel that now, it's manifested this mindset that men don't have real feelings, and won't ever attempt to understand me. I've been in relationships with unevolved, emotionally unavailable and avoidant men, where the relationship is mainly based on physicality
I feel you. Emotionally unavailable father & had relationships where it was based on the physical and the guy was literally, emotionally unavailable. My mom also wasn’t the best example of healthy self-confidence, very insecure. My childhood was a freaking mess. But I learned a lot of what I DON’T want. I don’t want a workaholic husband, for example.
Now, I have a wonderful husband who had a pretty healthy childhood. He doesn’t fully understand, but he’s supportive of me. I don’t think anything could have prepared him for my childhood scars & issues within my family. But he is amazing and loyal and COMMUNICATES with me. Don’t settle girl. Life gets better. I’m finally, for the first time in my life, happy now. ❤️
@@emb1218 OHHH MY GODD....I cant tell how much i relate with u...everything..emotionally unavailable father , insecure mom and wanting a partner who is not anxious as i am and yesssss who is more expressive than i am...basically who Communicates...i so relate with that feeling!!!! DAMNNNN
Oh, god. Brought tears to my eyes. Thank you Dr. Nichole. Truly needed this, as im a mum now. I wanna raise my child better. I know it has to get fixed so the cycle stops
I see you, cycle breaker
I'm so proud of you for wanting to make the changes in order to ensure a healthier lifestyle for yourself and for your children's future. That is really encouraging! Thank you for saying it out loud!❤
”I had a mother who is very emotionally disconnected, living out her attachment style from childhood. But that left me very alone to navigate very big feelings on my own, so I really struggled within my own emotions. I could have a whole lot of things happening internally, externally you might not know. Or if you are aware that something is going on with me, you’re not experiencing me as seeking or looking for reassurance or support because I’m replicating that model, I didn’t have someone showing up for me and helping me with my emotions.”
💗
Same.♥️
Same..
I love how you talk about your own experiences, I don't know how common that is in the field but I would be much more inclined to open up to someone who has issues as well
Absolutely......everything being so one sided sucks...
Anxious- Low on avoidance, high on anxiety, craves closeness and intimacy, very insecure about the relationship
I already know this video is gonna hit deep 😭
Might hurt a bit, but it will set you free
@@TheHolisticPsychologist how is it possible to overcome these unhealthy attachment styles if at all? I'm 34 and never have been in a happy relationship.
parisjellie ikr😭😭
@@TheHolisticPsychologist thank you
Is it possible to be more than one? My mother provided me with the security as a child. Meanwhile, my dad was the withdrawn , angry, abusive, and alcoholic who made a part of me insecure anxious and possibly insecure disorganized. I’m so grateful I found your videos since I just got out of a toxic relationship and my father just passed away and I am really trying to dig dip within myself and self heal to be able to understand and love myself before getting into a romantic relationship.
I am definetly the insecure anxious attachment style. Even my mom said that when my school teacher asked me when I am happy, I responded: I am happy when EVERYONE around me is happy.
Damn that is flipped
My notes of the talk: We are hard-wired to connect with our primary caregivers, learn from and replicate these early childhood models in our own relationships with others.
Our parents teach us/model how to:
1. Connect with others
2. Navigate environments
3. Recover from stress (emotional resilience)
which develop into 4 main attachment styles (1 secure and 3 insecure sub-types)
1. Secure
2. Insecure-avoidant
3. Insecure-anxious
4. Insecure-disorganized
1. The autonomous adult has caregivers able to tolerate own and relational stress, differentiate between their needs and other's needs and remain attuned to the needs of the child. They showed up for your stress and helped you navigate and understand it.
The child develops ability to spend time alone, navigate their emotions alone but also communicate their emotions and relate to the emotional experiences of others. Has language and stress tolerance to help others
2. Avoidant: Disconnected from physical and/or emotional connection, leaving the child to navigate their emotions alone.
The child develops a disconnect between their internal emotional world and how they relate to and navigate relationships. [I think this describes the stoic tendencies of patriarchal masculine gender socialization, for example]. Less sensitive to socioemotional cues of others. Emotionally opaque, neutral, robotic or absent in relationships.
3. Anxious: a mis-attunement (tension or conflict) between child's needs and the caregiver's needs, where the caregiver prioritizes and responds to their needs first or even at the expense of the child's needs. If the caregiver is feeling OK, the relationship is ok. If the caregiver isn't feeling ok, the relationship becomes about the caregiver trying to feel ok again.
Looks like unpredictability or inconsistency. On "good days" it looks like attunement to child's needs only because the caregiver's needs are already met. On "bad days," the caregiver becomes distracted by their u addressed distress and self-focused on meeting their needs. The caregiver even externalizes and projects their needs onto the child rather than owning and accounting for them. Regardless, the child's needs disappear from consideration at least temporarily (this might be particularly traumatic before a child develops object constancy). The seemingly-random episodic unpredictability leads trains the child into questioning the trustworthiness of intimate relations and fearing abandonment. Secondary issue of developing a habit of maintaining shallow vs intimate relationships as a proactive defense.
Child develops a tendency to over-ride their own needs in order to address the needs of others. The "helper" or "caregiver" archetype. Puts others first, due to learning in childhood "if you are OK, then I will be OK" [Describes the tendencies of patriarchal feminine gender socialization, for example]
4. Disorganized: caregiver tends toward neglectful, depressed, traumatized, abusive, etc behavior. Creates confusing mixed modeling and messaging around safety: neither safe for the child in the relationship nor safe to run away and be without a caregiver to (help) meet basic physical and emotional needs. Push-pull contradictions.
Child develops inability to distinguish between "safety" and "danger" in relationships. May confuse one for the other erratically or consistently dismiss or misinterpret danger as safe (creating risk for abuse or exploitation) or safe as dangerous (creating risk for isolation). Inability to regulate their own emotional state in the face of constant internal conflict, contradiction and confusion.
we are never or rarely fully one single type due to variations and diversity in relationships with caregivers and the resulting variations or diversity in modeling we receive.
Wow! Amazingly put 👏🏼 thank you for this 🤗❤
I wish I could copy all of this. Your notes are incredible!
At first I thought this comment was over-done, but I actually have found it quite helpful!!! To hear it fleshed out by another's words and understanding of context. Thank you!! 😄👍
@ilovesunvalley - I did copy it! Lol😄
I love how every Sunday is a new pearl of wisdom from you Dr. Nicole😁
Please keep dropping these truth bombs, waking up the masses and helping us all heal! No more trauma responses passing itself off as culture😉
Oh I like that last sentence! I am going to create in instagram around this. Thank you!
@@TheHolisticPsychologist I thank you so much. I follow you on IG under Ladysag77 and Emotionalmusings. I asked you to read my poem "Boundaries" which you so graciously did. I absolutely applaud your work. I can't take 100% credit for that last sentence about trauma responses and culture however bc I saw it as a post on IG somewhere and I can't remember where. As a writer myself I would never attempt to take credit for another writer's words😁
WOW! "No more trauma responses passing itself off as culture" !
@@TheHolisticPsychologist wow YES the last line caught me off guard!!!!!!
Watching in the UK. Made me cry. But im 50 now and ive broken the cycle with my kids. I can identify with those last 2 categories btw! You are fabulous. Thank you!
Hi Monica! I'm proud of you, cycle breaker.
Wow. Ive taken many psych classes,and this is the CLEAREST, most understandable explanation. Thank you! All those insecure styles resonate. I grew up in a violent home,ended up with grandparents a lot who had 7 kids of their own, working class, so i raised myself. Achieved as a kid, addicted as a young adult,trauma after trauma,and now Im healing, as a mom, in my 40s.
I relate to that experience of feeling like I can be okay when everyone else around me is okay
All I want to say is thank you, thank you so much!! This actually made me cry. I was raised by very manipulative and abusive parents, now that I am in a very secure and loving relationship I randomly get anxiety and wonder if I'm safe and if he's just manipulating me like my parents. It's been eating at me and I felt like I hit a brick wall on my healing journey. So thank you for sharing this knowledge with the world and opening doors towards unbelievable healing and growth. Much love 💚
I grew up in an extremely abusive family. The only one who showed me unconditional love & support was my grandfather. If it wasn't for him I know I would of been dead as a child.
Yep the two lower ones is what I've had as a child. More the bottom one.
Thank you for this video.
I sent you a lot of love. Thank you for having the courage to watch.
@@TheHolisticPsychologist thank you🙌🙏
Vicki C's UR BS ...god bless your grandfather,,,,treat yourself the way he treated you !
Emotional resilience is definitely something I never learned.
as soon as you started talking insecure disorganized attachment, i knew that was me. wow.
Your shorts about child/parent relationships are awesome! What a great idea!
I so have issues with this. My childhood was stressful. My mother was disconnected an my grandmother was disconnected. I have issues with being abandoned. No on shows up for my stress. Just me. Thank u fir this. I found u today for a reason
Your outfit is so fun!
Thanks!
Hey thank you so much for putting this out. I've been realizing in the last 24 hours how unhealthy my relationship with my mother is. Can you do a video on navigating boundaries with parents in particular? And how to as an adult communicate emotional needs and build a healthier more productive relationship? Thanks my dude you're awesome 😊
I'm in the process of re-parenting my Self and this information has been so helpful. I fall into 2 categories, one from each of my parents: Insecure anxious (Mom) and Insecure disorganized (Dad). It's going to take some more work to fall into the Secure category, but I know it's not too late to be the adult I deserve to be.
I feel the exact same way!!
@@user-id3sw1qn7r omg me too!
mom: abusive
dad: enables mom, emotionally unavailable
Even I have an Avoidant attachment style and your point about not understanding or responding well to non verbal cues and feelings of other people was spot on. I’ve had a lot of trouble understanding and getting in touch with my feelings and others
Hugely impactful to me as a parent! I try to be as conscious of a parent as I can, but after watching this I can see there are areas where I can offer more support to my littles. Thank you Dr. Nicole!
Ikr and to think we are all still growing..protect our kids
you're an awesome parent
I feel like im looking at the little girl i used to be and im holding her. And i will heal her x thank you
This explains a lot. My mom is a single parent. My dad rarely comes visit me. When he does, we barely spoke a word.my mom had to work so i was raised by different maids (changed every 1 or 2 years) I was treated differently than my 2 older brothers. (2nd child was the golden child. The whole extended family was focused on him. I never understood why) i was to serve them. Prioritized them. I was expected to be the servant of the family as i was the only girl when we didnt have a maid.my mom was emotionally unvavailable. No physical touch or love. Always busy. I always questioned my existence since 8 years old and feel like i dont have long to live (maybe i hoped that i would just die) didnt know how to make friends. Got stuck with a group of girls that i didnt feel i belong with. I barely opened my mouth until i was 28 years old. I even married a narcissist because of this. Had a divorce last year. From everyone and everything except for my son.still fixing the pieces. I hope to break the cycle with my son. Im now with my bf. He helped me a lot. Made me the happiest person. But im starting to doubt our relationship. He started to become physicially violent to me when we got into a fight. Im worried for my son's safety in the future. Im not sure if we should try to fix it or just break it off. I do care deeply for him. But i realised he's becoming more and more aggresive (would threathen to spread pictures/videos of me if i leave him) he would later say that he didnt mean it and he was just angry. But i dont feel safe anymore with him. Im stuck
I'm from insecure disorganized as well as insecure anxious attachment styles! I never knew and now I can heal.
Thank you for this. Ive been reflecting so much since losing my mom last year. Recall that the first time I went to a therapist when I was 20 I learned that I had parented my parents, they had me right out of high school. I relate to the Insecure Avoidant too, with the disconnects between what I feel and how I act. I also have a lot of other self-knowledge why I'm like that. But I'm also intuitive and highly sensitive, so I do pick up on the feelings of others...and it ALWAYS affects me, good or bad. Yet I also feel quite autonomous, and quite comfortable alone. Making long term high value connections remains a challenge, but I'm up for it. Moving along this journey!
All our relationships are imagined. 💞
On a genuine note, one of the most imp videos for humanity ❤️
This video is really helpful.
I now understand a lot of patterns of myself that I didn't understand.
I'm the insecure anxious type and everything has now sense.
I'm working to become the secure one:)
If That's the Case, I Need to prepare for a lot of Heartbreak, Betrayal, Unappreciation, and Disrespect.
I come under the insecure organised attachment and I've only just in the last couple of weeks been aware of it in my relationships. It's taken 31 years for me to see it! Thank you for this video. It's helped more than you could possibly know. x
I started following your content on instagram and when I saw that you have a youtube channel I went straight to subscribing. Love your simple and nice style of comunicating. I'm a 21 year old girl and I think I fall into the insecure anxious category. my mom has always put other people's needs first, including mine, and my father has been addicted to alcohol for years (some hardcore drinking). Lately something finally came over him and he's finally willing to put in the effort to quit drinking compulsively. I'm still distrustful of what the future holds for him and therefore afraid to end up disappointed, but I'm also faithfull that he will win against his addiction because he's a good man at his core. I'm now in my first relationship with a boy and I can't fully feel safe around him. This lack of security manifests itself on my phisical body dispite him being 100% trustworthy and present with my emotions. Your videos are helping me and I will surely follow your work, thank you!
Anxious and Avoidant- High on avoidance, high on anxiety. Uncomfortable with intimacy and worried about partner's commitment and love
you are Such A GIFT Doc..you cut to the chase with no airs. layin' it down for the layperson. BLESSINGS !
Genius. You are a blessing of clarity.
Wow I didn’t know that I have an insecure anxious attachment style. I had no idea until now. Explains a lot.
Thank you so much for your honesty in this video. I am a therapist and also have had a primarily avoidant AS. My husband can never understand why I can be so good at my job and attune to clients/patients but struggle and have all these defences with him. It is very frustrating for both of us and you have just given some validation to this struggle so thank you so much :)
You’re better than my therapist. Thank you for your advice and videos.
My shadow self can't take his eyes off of those thighs... Not ashamed anymore. I'll come back after I do my brethwork. Thank you all that you're doing here for us !
Wow. I've grown up in a toxic, abusive, narcissistic household with TWO narc parents. I've somehow managed to use the internet to learn everything I can about what I have experienced, put in the actual hard work to heal, and developed a Secure Attachment style ( or very close to it ). Healing is very real and it IS possible!
This is such great information. Not only am I able to identify what kind of caregivers my parents were for me, but I am able to identify what kind of caregiver I am to my son and what kind of caregiver I want to be. Thank you for your time and expertise!
I cannot wait until the next video!
Like so many, it brought me to tears! To learn that I can start understanding about my emotions and begin the process of healing is so comforting. So glad I found you.
So siblings could have had a different experience even though we all had the same caregiver ?
absolutely
Absolutely
Oh absolutely. I was treated differently than my 2 brothers so naturally we have different patterns in how we engage in relationships.
Yes!!!!!
Depends on denial levels
I can’t believe this brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for explaining this to us out there that have gone through deep emotional trauma. My dad was and still is an alcoholic, narcissist who physically and emotionally abused my siblings and I. My mother was strong and fought for us and gave us our physical needs but did not aid me emotionally nor did she make me feel safe but only because she didn’t know how to as she had a very rough childhood herself. For years and even now I struggle from insecurities, feelings of abandonment, and so much anxiety that has caused me to harm relationships and hate myself. I am now seeing a therapist to help me work through all this so I destroy that toxic familial pattern once and for all.
That’s the “era” of your mother... they lived through the War... I had a wonderful Grandmother who wasn’t hugely what would be classified “maternal” but she helped everyone and worked very hard to do it.
Just bought your book! Yay! Excited!!!
Wow.. suddenly reality hits me again:. I kept forgetting that i need to realize and accept that i was and still a victim of such relationship and I’m still clinging onto it instead of letting go..
thank you so much for this
Really just want to say I'm so grateful of your online presence in my existence. You've also really evolved with both your delivery and your content. Your videos and pacing are so great! Congrats to all your success and how many of us you are helping heal.
Hi! Really appreciate that. I’ve been practicing (and listening)
I am an INFJ highly sensitive , my parents are extrovert and highly opposite to me. Since childhood I had dismissive pattern of behaviour from them. My parents subjected me to comparing as they grew up with this behaviour of imposing , disregarding ny feelings, comparison as normal from their parents. I went through immense pain and people pleasing attitude due to their comparison and dismissive attitude , so much that I found pain in drawing boundaries , connecting with my own needs wants and expressing it , felt fear anxiety for a long time to express my needs as I won't be accepted and dismissed , attracting toxic partner and friends and normalising it inspite of feeling pain. Its only recently that I have recognised the faulty pattern. I am healing and I am happy and proud that Irecognised generation dysfunction and not pass it down to anyone.
I'm re-parenting to secure. Currently it means self-discipline, emotional feeling, being around safer people, and assertiveness. Before it looked a lot like punishing myself for being bad.
Hitting home for me in so many ways...thank you so much for this! ❤️
I put a lot into this video (from research to the layout) so I REALLY appreciate this! I really want people to have access to this info, and I’m grateful it’s belpful.
The Holistic Psychologist Thank You and I truly appreciate you and all you do.
I saw you on Maria Menounos’ show and was blown away with all that you said. I’m so thrilled that I found you. And, here you are teaching us, offering so much! Thank you so much!
My mother left me, my father, and my sister for another man when I was four. I’ve had insecure avoidant attachment all my life and have still yet to ever be in a relationship at age 30.
Sam Cotten, that is straight up abandonment,,,,and unnatural for a mother,sorry you had to experience that.
I would have to question what kind of childhood your mother had ,what kind of trauma she was having triggered in the relationship with your father.
Dr. Gabor Mate is a great source of information,that might help you spread the pieces of your life puzzle out and put yourself back together in a clear and healthy way.
Best wishes 🙏🏻
I'm so sorry you had to experience that... Sincerely wishing you all the very best on your healing journey 🙏🌟
I'm so sorry that happened to you
I don’t think age matters. I have seen from other comments on youtube that there are a lot of people who have never had relationships. About what you experienced, I am so sorry for that. I hope that someday you will be able to find an amazing partner.
i had one relationshipip a year ago at 27... it was the most love i ever experienced but i had so many triggers come out of me and was so overly anxious towards the end of it that she left me..... i wish my parents gave me coaching earlier in my 20's when i begged for it as i didnt have the money for quality coaches ..... im 29 now and more miserable than i was before ever meeting this girl
unrelated to the content- but your outfit is SO cute here.
thanks!
Very cute but those pants are unbelievably distracting, I only got 2 minutes in before I felt too uncomfortable and had to stop the video. Is it unreasonable of me to ask women dress a little bit more modestly during public presentations?
I'm nothing like my parents. They are in a very long term stable married relationship and I'm a lone wolf.
Stay safe and good luck!
@@PeterKnagge what?! Yes, that is definitely unreasonable for a man to ask a woman to dress any way other than how they are dressed. None of your concern at all. Also, you can choose to look at her face or the whiteboard when she's talking, or you can choose to not look at your device at all while you listen to her very interesting presentation.
Oh so holy than thou, pure than the driven snow!
(Ignoring Peter's chip) I was noticing that she looked like a schnazzy dresser, too, but I think the consistency has less (tho still some) to do with what she is wearing vs the "model effect" of projecting confidence or calm assertiveness, which makes people look good generally. Not saying she necessarily feels that way all the time (who does?) but I think she does a good job of projecting it via posture, body language, clarity and cadence of speech, lack of filler words, etc. I notice that a lot in anyone who is a well practiced presenter or public speaker.
You are so very deeply appreciated. I love the fact that you share your OWN experience, without shame, without excuse, you let us connect and relate to you on a personal level. I LOVE that about you!!! Thank you! You're grounding us all as humans, making us all feel interconnected and helping one another. You're so spot on! Doing excellent work!
This is SO SO helpful. I've not heard anyone speak with the clarity you have about family ties. It's so so complicated and I so often hear, ' your mum loves you' but my mum also didn't raise me well and neglected me! I've no idea whether maintaining family ties helps or hinders. x
Gosh this was really eyeopening, as all your content always is. I definitely feel like I fell under the category of Insecure Anxious. I was always the people pleaser and boundaries now are something I'm really trying to work on because I can see how I reflect that onto my son now. Thank you so much for bringing awareness to this.
So happy I found you! You help me feel so good about myself as a Father and as a Son who put up boundaries to not participate in family dinners any longer. I still have contact but only under my terms. Very empowering.
I can relate to the Insecure Anxious type. Everything you mentioned there I felt and experienced in my childhood and in my adulthood. My mother was exactly how you described here, and as a single mom she had a lot in her mind... growing up as an insecure anxious type, always people pleasing, I ended up attracting and attaching to more and more abusive and manipulative partners that were just benefiting from my behavior. In result, I started becoming more like the insecure disorganized type, where I couldn't really tell what's safe or dangerous anymore rather kept repeating the same patters and what felt "normal". But somehow i put an end to it all...I said thats it. NO MORE. Now, I'm here. Trying to heal from all that trauma (from my childhood and adulthood) and hoping to reach that top type, the Secure one one day.
I am sooo so grateful that I came across your book... on a random day I walked in a bookstore and and there it was right in front of me calling on me!!! I loved it so much! So helpful to get unstuck! And now I'm here...starting my healing journey, watching ALL your video clips. THANK YOU SO SO MUCH. I finally feel hopeful again! ❤ and not so shameful!
I have never heard of this before! I feel like I understand myself and my parents much better now. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with others.
I'm always strugle with my feeling although what I show to other is kind of a funny and open person but when the night fall I often cry on my own (sometimes without any specific reason). In the past, my mom was a strict parent and my dad is on other side, he adored me but not actually talk with me. And in my teenage time, I had a friend (luckily) to talk with but I only spend with her about 2 year then we'd been seperated. I sometimes felt like I was left out of the story. I don't know if this was because of the way my parents treat me (though they are still the best mom and dad) but I used to even harm myself to release my unspoken feeling. Then I tend to epress my bright side to others and keep everything to myself. I always feel that noone can understand or they don't have time for that. I even scared I might bother other. I hate that I show people the "me" who think about everything positively while I'm not. I hate it when people find joy when they hang out with me and I made them laugh while actually I can't do that to myself.
I'm sorry for this broken-English since it was my 2nd languge but it somehow easier for me to tell by comment like this and noone known me could see my comment.
"Being in tune to others, and not being able to be in tune with my partner" is something I always questioned, and noticed in psychologists and therapists. That's one of the reasons why I've decided maybe it isn't for me. Maybe not at this moment in time.
Thank you for your amazing content, Dr Nicole! I relate to being a people-pleaser ...I’m 33 y.o and I’ve fallen in love with an amazing guy who was born in a different country, and a culture very different to my own. Although as people, I don’t feel we’re that different at all, and whenever I’m around him I feel extremely happy, relaxed and supported.
I’ve told all my close friends , but I feel paralysed with anxiety about telling my Mum in particular, because she has a tendency to be incredibly critical, her moods and opinions in particular have always had such a strong influence on me. Then I feel really crappy for not having the courage, but it can feel almost impossible when your body becomes flooded with crippling anxiety and fight or flight emotions.
I do feel I’m on a healing journey though, and your videos are so helpful in helping me gain understanding! Thank you! 💓
You just explained this in a way i could understand for the first time. i was even mis-characterizing my own style until this! You have a very strong gift in making things easy to grok. 2 vids, two epiphanies. I've been around self help/spiritual stuff for decades, this is the real deal. Thankyou, again
I wish you could zoom in a bit more so we can read the board. 🤗
Ok! Noted. Will fix in next video.
The Holistic Psychologist I feel some erotic transference 🤗
Take a screenshot on your phone then zoom in.
Damn. All three of the types outside Secure resonate with me.
Wow, someone in the end telling about psychology and everything is easy to understand, logical and real. Psychology is generally marketed as a superior science full of mystical dynamics where only a professional can reach. Thanks doctor
So much value in this video. So much tied into the parent- child relationship! Thank you ❤️
You are the BEST communicator on this topic I have found on RUclips so far. Thanks so much Nicole
This is something I have been through distorted parental attachment and Relationship with my parents and I healed my inner child all over again. 🤓
I am just so grateful you exist. I have learned SO MUCH from you. The world needs you and people like you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I had 3 main caregivers and they all the different types I feel like that’s why I’m so confused with my feelings
I cried watching this... hope I heal well :)
Thank you so much for this, and for all you do. I have had great difficulty finding a therapist who does this kind of work where I live but am definitely in need. I look forward to continuing to learn how to reparent myself according to my combo of attachment styles.
Thanks, again. ❤️
Insecure Anxious attachment kid here! I recently realized I have very little self worth unless I feel can give to someone else or feel/be needed. My children are grown, I am in process of getting a divorce and I'm not in a romantic relationship any more (it ended a month ago). I have been really struggling and very depressed! This patterning of making sure everyone else is OK and neglecting myself and my needs definitely trickles into other relationships. I have been working a lot on boundaries for several years. Still need improvement and grace in this area. Looking forward learning how to unlearn this pattern so I can be a better functioning, mentally healthier adult. Great video.
I am anxiously attached but I couldn't understand how or where it stems from.
this video is the first and only source which explains how it stems! and it is spot on. that is how my mother acted towards me!
Thanks for talking about your own journey through this. Relatable, truthful, authentic., HUMAN! And Appreciated!
Avoidant- High on avoidance, low on anxiety, uncomfortable with closeness and primarily values independence and freedom; not worried about partner's availability
I’m feeling better just reading the title of this video. See, I always knew my parents were full of it, but they proved their trust-worthiness by paying for food and shelter. At 18, I fled. At 42, I haven’t cared what my parents say for nearly 30 years, but now that I’m trying to create an entrepreneurial business, all this stuff about the way my parents view me is coming back for reexamination. I’ve held on to this stuff for a long time. They contrived a story about me being a liar, before I could speak. It’s so daggone hard to explain before you can form words. I’m always over-explaining or over-sharing or bleeding out my wounds in some unhelpful way, because I’ve been taught I don’t have any wounds; that my perception of reality is false. 0:07
Emotional neglect as a child causes personality disorders like Narcissitic personality along with other factors, genetics, environment, parenting.
I am definitely the disorganized attachment style. I find myself overthinking and even researching how I feel to see if I’m correct in feeling the way I do. I don’t trust many and even when I do I feel like at some point they will just end up using me.
Thank you, and Well wishes to you all! ❣️👈😊
It's a strange feeling to not feel anxious and locked into the freeze state. But, I've got a really good handle on navigating my way through life or death situations alone. Very rewarding and exhilarating as an adult man, but not so much as a toddler. I didn't realize that Insecure Disorganized attachment was written all over me. I've just been surviving through my relationships in life and barely present in any of them. Worst of all, I haven't been present for myself.
Subbed! 🐸 Tyft! Real and reasonableness from someone who seems to understand what cannot be learned from textbooks nor lectures! Hurt people hurt people it's that simple. 💐🍃👌
I wait for those rare occasions when people around me seem happy, then I feel better about myself and begin planning a holiday, stick to my exercise routine and I meditate more. Watching others doing okay in their personal lives inspires action in me.
Unfortunately, there are only a few times a year I detect happy moods in others. I still have no idea how to gain energy independently :(
I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu , you dont know how your teachings help me! because its not just psicology its spiritual wisdom too!!!
Thank you! I love your outfit!!
Thank you Dr Nicole for this excellent presentation on attachment style. 💕 This really helped me understand why I was so fortunate to have a mother who was patient with me and provided me with security and confidence from childhood into adult life ! My father was the withdrawn type and caused disturbances and stress in the home. Thank you! This really helped me understand better my current relationships and why I question and evaluate others first before I can feel safe enough to trust. ❤
I am definitely insecure anxious that is 1000% a description of my mother my father lives in Disneyland 100% of the time only at 29 years old am I beginning my healing journey 🙏🏼
This is actually true.. my friend sees everything comparing it with his parents lives n incidents and are super paranoid about ending up like his parents and makes his and his wives'life miserable.
I love my parents and they love me a lot, but back then it wasn't as important to discuss emotions. We were discouraged from talking about them, or mental health problems (we had Huntington's in the family). I don't blame my parents at all, but The 2nd and 3rd types resonated with me. My Mom would always rush and show us pity if something happened to us and hug us, but there was a lot of anxiety going on inside me which I couldn't express because there wasn't that openness, just the parents (Dad) above who are right and then the children below. I still feel like I try to get people to pity me... lots of realizations after this- thanks!!!
As an adult I resonate best with secure attachment. But as a child it was more disassociated.