Facing Your Shame Lets You Heal It or Change It
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- Опубликовано: 5 фев 2023
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You may have been told that shame is just a way that bad people try to make you feel bad about yourself. Sometimes this is true, but the harder kind of shame is "earned" shame -- where you feel badly about something you said or did, or failed to do. The trouble is, most of us are afraid to face shame feelings. "Shame shifting" is my term for when you feel shame and can't face it, so immediately begin to look for who to BLAME. Blame may make you feel better in the short term, but it hurts other people and stops YOU from facing yourself -- releasing shame where you can and amending mistakes you made in the past.
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I do the opposite. I always look for ways to blame myself for everything, even totally obvious stuff others did. Wish i could shame shift
I think ppl who shame shift are more advanced because at least they protect themselves.
Ditto
Me to
I do both, blame myself and blame others.
Hey, I have this problem as well
I took me years of therapy and working on myself to recognise and get out of victim mentality, I was so angry at the world and deeply jealous of everyone else because I thought they had it easier and I was the only one who was lost and hurt. It's actually selfish and super narrowminded to look at life like that but I would say it is also connected to developmental arrest, we stay in the childlike self-centredness unless we heal. Some people are never able to get out of that kind of mindset. As I healed and grieved for my childhood, I understood myself and also others better so that gave me power and patience and the strength to move on, get to know who I am and create a life I want and enjoy living. I'm still not really totally there, still not 100% where exactly I am going but I don't know if anyone does. I feel like it's my life and I make decisions for myself and am not riddled with anxiety and shame all the time and I have friends who tell me they think I am brave for living my life like I want to, I don't know if I could get a better compliment than that, especially if I look back on where I started. Even if I die tomorrow I have no regrets.
Very well said…thank you for sharing
as someone experiencing the things you've described, thank you for sharing your experience, and giving me hope that I can change these unhealthy mindsets I have
Ah sounds like my family I was always amazed how you could watch someone do something and get attacked like it was your fault for witnessing it. The lengths people in my life have gone to avoid responsible for their actions just never made much sense. Projection was always the name of the game.
"Shame shifting" is projective identification. It's a defense mechanism of disowning unwanted parts of us and assigning them onto others to avoid feeling ashamed. It's disempowering. Accountability is the only way to heal.
My parents do this to me and there is no way to make them take account.
Sometimes that's true. Other times there is no shame to assign.
I agree with E. Blair, I do the opposite…. When I make a mistake I immediately go to “I can never be forgiven.” I actually made a huge mistake in my office books today that cost me about $3000 and my company close to 10k. I seriously considered draining my savings to pay it back, quitting my job, and living in my car with my 11 year old because I’m such a terrible person. I use quickbooks, and it was actually a program mistake, but I feel like I need to suffer immensely and start again at rock bottom to be worthy of the air I breathe.
I get it. And it's weird, some people are so free of this internalisation. Some people can swat it off, in fact, it never lands for some people.
Wow I understand this
thank you for this. on my good days I'm a lot like you and try to live in the solution, but on my worst days I'm hell-bent on blaming my childhood caregivers, totally fixated on trying to get them to get it and show some real accountability ... as if that one thing would turn back time and undo the trauma done.
this channel and a few others have been really helpful in showing me that I'm not broken, crazy, or alone in all this. I'm just one sick person trying to get well.
I hear you. You're certainly not alone and we're here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Yep
I have shame shifted as a way not to face my own shame because it was unbearable. Well....that's what it felt like. Once I faced it and realized it wouldn't kill me, facing it became less difficult. If you can sit with the discomfort, you can also really hear what the other person is saying and validate their feelings. They feel heard, and you break the cycle together.
Most insightful ty
What do you mean by face it? How do you face your shame in a practical way? God bless…
Just so you know Anna, every time I hear you share parts of your story, it makes you more legit to me and I trust you more. Thank you so much ❣️
What a kind thing to say. We appreciate the support :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Responsible doesn't translate to accountable. Most 'adults' aren't accountable enough to realize that yet. They don't even get what they are responsible for, to realize that they have to be accountable for what they are responsible for. Most 'adults' are effectively infantilized, thanks to the social engineering that is never discussed here, nor elsewhere, for the most part. So the cycle of abuse continues on, victims who've become abusers, as they do - partly because people are not aware of all of the actual contributing factors that have resulted in this issue being so pervasive in culture today. It's been turned into an abuse culture, by design. So it's not as simple either as this ideology that we are attracting bad actors into our lives because of our unresolved childhood trauma. The bad actors are simply everywhere - and as such, unavoidable to some degree. It's only our childhood programming that will determine whether we accept the bad actors or not as people in our lives.
I kind of use to do that, I used to blame my parents for my attitude. Then one day thanks to your videos and various other RUclips channels I realized that I was giving my power to change, grow and heal to people who clearly weren't able to be parents at all or neither be accountable today. And with my power back I started to work and feel better with myself.
But this topic of blame shifting remind me of when I broke up with my ex girlfriend, and how she said that everything was my fault and that I made her miserable and a lot of other stuff. When I broke up with her I didn't understand why she wanted to continue being with a partner that in her words was making her miserable, then my psychologist said me that that is manipulation. I think my ex had some sort of undiagnosed borderline disorder, but who knows, at the end if she was making me miserable and I was making her miserable it was a terrible relationship without a good prospect of future. I am much better now, and I hope that she will find someday the help she needs.
I was for so long stuck with idea that once my parents die I will be finally free. I wasn't working on myself, i wasn't to blame I just wanted to to free. Then i discovered your channel and finally I am free but in completely different way than I was thinking back then.
Thank you :)
This video is right on time as I'm realizing and learning to deal with this overwhelming shame.
Amazing! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for this message. My brother passed from mental health issues, addiction, and agoraphobia after he spent decades blaming our narcissistic father for a life of misery. He went no contact with our father almost two decades before I would, however, he didn't feel any better for it. He was hostile, resentful, reactive to me and my mother and suffering. It wasn't until he was physically and we were literally taking care of him that I was able to recognize that suffering for what it was. When he died, I was relieved, riddled with guilt, and am only now, 3 years later starting to actively grieve and process some of the anger, reactivity, and shame that kept me so angry and distant from him for so long until it was too late. The daily practice Zoom is today and I will be taking part. Your timing could not have been better for me with this video.
Wow, thank you for sharing that with us. I'm so glad the video was helpful, we look forward to seeing you at future Daily Practice calls :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This is easily the best psych channel on RUclips. Keep up the amazing work!
I don't do this nor do I tolerate others to project their shame on me.
"We humans are experts at casting ourselves as victims, and rewriting narratives that put us in the center of injustices".--Brant Hansen. "Unoffendable".
Learned helplessness pushes friends away too. I’m healing, and am always drawn to others like myself, except those folks who blame all the -isms and repeat that like a mantra.
The children of “dysfunctional” families often think that talking endlessly about what happened in their childhood and why is a solution.
It’s a first step and validation that you’re not crazy. But it’s just the beginning of great revelations to come. Don’t stop there.
This was exactly the video I needed to pull myself out of a negative spiral towards myself and partner after he made, in hindsight, a pretty harmless comment. Thank you Crappy Childhood Fairy. You are definitely one of my spiritual heroes in this lifetime! Thank you for putting yourself out there and helping so many of us heal our wounds ❤
Thank you for your kind words! Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
I'm so sorry about your brother 💔
I did this to person for quite a while. I realized it was me and once I took accountability for this our relationship shifted. We are in a better place
Hi Anna, my name is also Anna
I went through a lot of childhood and sexual abuse but I come from a conservative culture where people shame me for the abuse. Even my psychiatrist would harrass me diminishing my abuse not listening to my stories, which hurt me immensely. Every time I feel like no one is there for me. I come to your channel and your voice heals me and soothes me. Thank you so much for your content...your kind grounded voice gives me strength.
That must have been some mickey mouse psychiatrist.
'You can heal shame and you can have your life back.'
Thank you, Anna! Yet another term in my vocabulary. I get this - I get it!
I have someone close to me constantly doing this, and I've been very confused. I'm sure I have my share of doing it, too - in many different situations, although I'm getting better at calling myself out on it now, thanks to the DP. This has been a constant frustration for years, though. I've seen it as her trauma reaction (she won't even acknowledge her trauma, but I know her history, and there's no doubt in my mind). I would expect to be blamed for the things I sometimes must address, though, which doesn't really happen. Instead, she deflects into shaming me for things that have nothing to do with the actual case, which sometimes throws me a bit off the saddle. I know that when I must speak up, I must be regulated and have enough energy to keep redirecting the conversation back to the actual matter, which, of course, is exhausting. However, thanks to the DP, I've learned so much about not having to address EVERYTHING but instead finding ways to secure myself and feel okay.
Sometimes things must be addressed, though, and since we share the living space, I also must take care of my own space as well when it's important for my well-being. The constant shame-shifting from her can be exhausting, though, especially when I haven't really understood what she's doing and why. Now I have a term for it, which makes it easier to navigate - just like back in the days when I could recognize that others were dysregulated and that their reaction didn't match up with whatever I'd said or done. Now I can let myself know that it's shame-shifting going on, and I don't even need to call her out on it. Instead, I can lead back to the topic with less frustration within me, so I can keep generous enough so that she doesn't feel further threatened. Even if the conversation could have been resolved within five minutes, this shame-shifting can make the conversation half an hour long, an hour, or even several hours. However, now that I know what's going on, it's easier to say what I need to say and then withdraw if she's unable to get out of her defensive mode.
I'm pretty fascinated by our brains at this point. How fast it works, and how the faster it jumps to conclusions, the more difficult it is to really listen and provide for changes. The DP has taught me to pause and investigate where my reactions come from, sort out old stuff, and then be able to address and verbalize the actual situation if I must. Furthermore, my fascination continues. When I'm able to slow down and not always trust the conclusions I draw from my bodily sensations, the brain will actually change its neuropathy. Now I walk around with a clarity I knew nothing about.
I used to think my mind was clear as the day - all I needed to do was to make others understand. Now, however, I realize that my trauma belief system has tricked me for years. However, it's possible! It's possible to make changes - foremost, understand more about myself, which helps me better understand other people (and "the world," if we want to make it big and general).
The DP has been a game-changer for me. I'll admit I was skeptical in the beginning. Still, there's no doubt - this way of removing the layers has helped me tremendously. Going into my third year with this tool, now, I want to thank you - again!
It is difficult when the parents didn't know basic interpersonal skills for themselves. I know of many adult children of alcoholics who are totally sober themselves, but left their own kids totally lost in navigating the real world.
💯% This is my dad has never managed to make any progress towards improving his mental health. He believes, without a doubt, he's always a blameless victim.
I'd say in any relationship between adults that doesn't work out, 50% of the blame lies on you, 50% on the other individual. The only time you are fully blameless is if you were abused as a child under 13 and could do nothing about it.
I'm truly so grateful for your videos. Before I stumbled across you and a couple other good self-help youtubers, I was blind to the fact that I blamed the world and other people unfairly for my problems. In blaming others, you make your own happiness their responsibility, and render yourself helpless. You become an eternal victim. In accepting responsibility for my own life and happiness, I've had to face shame for my past mistakes, but I feel freer for it.
Anna is trying to help. We can interrupt the negative thoughts that I think I shouldn't have. We can learn to do this. We need outside input when we get stuck in our negative thoughts and reactions. Addiction is very powerful. We need the influence and support of others to be reminded of the things we need to be reminded about.
You're hair looks amazing today 😍 ✨️
thank you for showing a way to freedom from the past, space to be myself, and feeling peace.
My "friend" hid my dying mother from me, lied to me about her situation and location... but hammered me about it being my fault. I still speak to her... not sure why. I missed a call from her the other night, she apparently had a health issue, and went to hospital. Since I didn't answer, she says I'm horrible, nothing I do is working... I haven't changed at all... even though I've only been studying this for a few months, I'm supposedly a failure and worthless. Well, I am not. Luckily, thanks to Anna, I know I'm ok. I just don't handle abusive narcissists very well. Good luck to all still dealing with harmful personalities out there.
@Stapel Pest Solutions, the most effective way to deal with those people, is to not deal with them at all, so toxic and destructive
As always, this is a great video, yet may I suggest doing a video on the opposite shame shifting. I was the scapegoat and everything was always my fault. Now I have a tendancy to take responsibility not just for myself but for everyone else. I have had to learn to hand back what is not mine and just deal with my own actions. I am NOT responsible for my family's bad behaviour, they just made me feel so because THEY were the shame shifters. Taking on other's shame projections and not shifting it back to them is a problem for some people with crappy childhoods. For example, I am NOT responsible for my brother getting a restraining order against him by his girlfriend because as his big sister I somehow did not model how to treat women for him well enough by my mere existence. I shift that blame back to him. I AM responsible for yelling at him when he accused me of his restraining order of being my fault. While my anger was justified it was an immature way of expressing it and it just gave him further ammunition to blame me. I take responsibility for my response but not his mistreatment of his then girlfriend.
I really appreciate you and your journey. Your sharing is really helpful for me. You're a hero...
It's nice to learn to share your Joy and your hardships with others. We can do this together...
Bless you for your recovery and for sharing the wisdom you have learned. 🙏🏼🥰
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge, im really grateful ❤️
I just want to give you a giant hug! God bless you. I'm SO thankful for your chanel. It gives me so much hope and clarity to have a community here that understands. That trauma is sticky and complicated but there's hope. Thank you💕
Thank you for sharing this - it has been very enlightening
Your videos contain so much good, insightful information that noone else addresses. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you for this message, it is just a message I needed to hear right now!❤
Thank you Anna for sharing your experience
I like what you did with your hair
Hey everyone, how are we all doing? I've watched Anna's videos with Emma's from Therapy In A Nutshell (they did a vid together at some point) for 2+ years and I want to recommend doing it to others. The combination compliments each other well and it's made me learn and understand the skills I need for healing and improving my situation faster and easier. It's been infinitely helpful and I hope others keep up their journey. A video or two a week for years sets you so far ahead and I want that for everyone who's been through what I have, and I know pretty much everyone here has. It's a really, really good feeling. We can all do this.
I have struggled with friendships my whole life. There came a point when I had to acknowledge I must be part of the problem, even though at the time I couldn't quite identify how or why; and at other times I could see how I might be pushing people away but my mentality was, "But everyone else gets to be x, y and z, and still maintain friendships, or have people that want them in their lives -- so why am I being held to such a high standard?"
Now, through the CCF channel, I know a whole lot more about the role I should play in building or maintaining relationships and I believe I have made a really good effort in that regard. Mainly, I just feel better about myself because of all the healing I've done-- with or without friends.
However, I still haven't been able to maintain any friendships. I don't blame other people for not wanting to be my friend. I think it's quite possible that you could be doing all the right things, but still not be friendship material. Maybe you will never make a life-long friend. Maybe you will only experience having acquaintances. I would like to see a video exploring the idea of being friendless, without bitterness involved. Is it unreasonable to expect to make friends? Do we place higher expectations on friendships because of the portrayal of friends in media? I'm not clear on this idea and I'd like some perspective.
Thank you for sharing and thank you for all you do. ❤
Good advice. Struggles are a struggle for a reason, they don't make sense to us because they are not our struggles.
Oh my goodness! I needed this today ❤ Thank you Anna for revealing this to us ❤️
I'm so glad! You are most welcome :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for this video.
Truth given in love.
Your brother sounds very similar to mine. Mine passed less than a year after my mom. I struggled with the guilt of not having a relationship with him for the last few years of his life, although I could not avoid him totally, since he lived with my mom.
Ahh the shift. Shame burns but blame burns less. When I was in rehab for an addiction over twenty years ago I felt a little leap for joy when I found there was a book dedicated to the subject of "SHAME" by John Bradshaw himself a recovering addict. Been pondering ever since why has shame as a topic only a recent invention? John Bradshaws book was one of the first. I find it amazing no-one was bold enough to investigate a painful emotion that's been tormenting us since Adam & Eve.
Beautifully said.
Thank you....got it! Thanks for sharing. X
Beautiful video, thank you!
Thank you! -Calista@TeamFairy
💛
I hold people accountable for their shit; I hold myself accountable for my shit, that which I am aware of. The exception to this is when I get triggered, then I lose my shit.
my condolences for jeffrey, both for what he put people through in life and for his eventual death. it's a pity his life went as unwell as it did, it couldn't have been easy.
"Unoffendable: How Just One Change Can Make All Life Better". Great read, with lively prose. Brant Hansen is the author. Very down-to-earth guy.
Three chapters interested me most:
1. Everyone Is An Idiot But Me.
2. The World's Worst Bedtime Story.
3. The World's Worst Neighbor.
So much to offer in relation to anger, blame, and shame.
I'm Grateful for this
Thank you.
Thank you, Anna. Another great video ❤️
Thank you for your vulnerability
Thank you so much for your honesty and outright bravery in sharing all this. Peace and Heavenly Blessings to you. I've been working on all this stuff for years and i thought I was in the clear...but of course, it seems I was wrong
I'm getting so much from your videoes. I'm so thankful to you and your hard working team. Crappy Childhood Fairy came to me at a point in my life when I REALLY NEEDED IT. I've taken a short course of yours and found it very useful. Bless you all for your insightful and considered work. I like your style Anna. I'm interested in other resources around CPTSD. I've bought Pete walkers's book on your recommendation: "complex ptsd from surviving to thriving". Do you have a list of resources that you could share? I'm not sure if you've done a video on this already. I was wondering if you could point me in the right direction. Thank you. God bless.
Thank you ❤️
this is great, thank you
Thanks for sharing and taking the tine to comment :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I feel like your brother. I neeeed my parents to understand that what they're projecting on to me is their disowned anger but they choose the easier path of labelling me crazy and mad //bad/sad et cetera. They never will, I know that, but I still feel the need of it.
Dear Fairy, can you please speak about Learned Helplessness? You briefly touched upon it in this video
🌱🌏💚 KiaOra Anna & community. Thank you for this thought provoking discussion. Yeah, I get despondent, OCD internal dialogue of "why me's".
Love many, trust few.
Always paddle, your own canoe.
CPTSD is like trying to navigate rapids with the canoe bung missing......
I’m confused. Isn’t the issue exactly that; why so many of us are here? We blame ourselves. We react when we feel shame because it’s such a huge factor. Agree with you re the outrage felt. I blame myself for the patterns I end up in; the loop. I’m working and learning in order to break that destructive cycle. Listening to your feedback now re the comments, just think even more don’t comment. Maybe I’m healing more than I thought bc I do recognise what I do. Still a long way to go and helpful to have this reminder and reassurance.
I've just let a friend (and myself) down by thinking the worst of her and not giving her the benefit of the doubt. She was hurt and angry. I feel so ashamed. But I know I need to face that shame. We all need to face our pain. Stay sober and face it. Head on. Don't look for answers. There aren't any. Just feel the pain and resolve to stop making the same mistake again.
Well said! Making mistakes is inevitable, so try not to be too hard on yourself. It sounds like your committed to working on yourself and learning from your past mistakes which is amazing!
-Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy but I'm 60 years old FFS. I should know better. 🤬
I love your channel.
Thank you so much!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Hello Anna, I recently stumbled upon your videos here, and I don't think it was by mistake! This is a blessing! By the way, I love the name of your channel, it speaks to my goofy side haha! 😁🙌🏽 Anyways, I've been silently watching your videos, and this one really rang familiar, so I had to comment. I see so much of myself in the story you told of your brother, who sounds eerily familiar to my brother, who's still living. I've so many horror stories, which I will spare you and the viewers from. I am the sixth child of nine siblings. I am the youngest of three girls, and I have three older brothers and three younger brothers. I am almost 100% certain I have CPTSD. I also took your quiz and almost all of my answers were Y. I'm a 56-year-old Mom of two beautiful and caring adult children and a Widow of seven years. I'm an incest and childhood abuse survivor, who was periodically molested, verbally, psychologically, and physically abused by my Mom, and two older brothers. I was also a victim of one of the cruelest forms of Corporal Punishment in grade school, which in and of itself, was traumatizing. Years later, I still live with the effects of the trauma I suffered.
Although I've never been diagnosed, I'm also finding out I've been on the Spectrum maybe since childhood and have been masking all along. It's both scary and sad at my current age that I still feel like this frightened, painfully introverted child, and dysfunctional adult navigating through a very extroverted world from which I feel so detached. The good news is, I am in the process of seeking mental help for the first time, and have a doctor-recommended appointment with a Therapist in March. Hopefully, it will lead to an official diagnosis and much-needed help. Thank you again for all you are doing to help people like me. God bless you. 🙏🏽
I am deeply enticed
At least, your mother could acknowledge his FEELINGS. It would tremendously help him to start a healing journey and became a parent to himself later. Why? Bcz our traumas is mostly relational. Healing is not one man job. If you want to get healed you have to do it within the context of relationships.
Fairy, what are your thoughts on cPTSD and planning for the future?
3:27 - agreed
They needed emotional healing, it's in the family timeline, so no one was at fault, it's passed down by generation.
I know this shame shifting in reverse.
There is shame and i can't bare it. It feels like it's dangerous to feel it that i could show my boundary's, that i react on something someone did to me or offered me. So i developed an reflex to push it down and act open and tough. I can't feel myself. Or i feel uncomfy with something happening that's violating my boundary's.
Then, and if I'm not fully connected with my emotions i don't even realize it that fast the shifting is happening, i blame myself, or belittle my needs and at the same time i know what's comming a hurt that I'm not safe to express in the slightest way and go numb so i often dont... notice, hear in my thoughts the negative selftalk. Often i consciously think kind and compassionate with me. But underlying there is an energy so full of hate, fear, blocked rage, pain, panic. That leaves me disoriented and disconnected. My body goes numb from under my eyes down to my toes. It feels like a thick black blanked is blocking my sometimes even entirely body from connecting with myself. I can't talk then. I can't move. It's scary. I can't protect myself or stand my ground I'm just numb. And am learning to honor the rough first steps to show my not ok with that.
If i felt shame or cautious in my childhood, if i have held back and not entusiasticly participated in a family (often includes beeing naked with my mom and her very disrespectful partner) or later other social activity (school participating in class things with a class where it haven't been tolerated that anyone have contact with me), i got blamed for me and my reactions and boundary's and values.
For being prude and so closed up and difficult and slow and yeah whatever they had to dump on a dissociated child, later teenager thats nervous system have blocked nearly all live force and awareness and presence. I literally have been an empty capsule... My body. I notice lots of anger and i will not blame someone for this. They didn't had a chance with theyr own childhood and the guidance they had in parenting me. They tried a lot this and that, to make me funktion again. To... Try to Help me and have been frustrated because nothing worked because no invention respected the state my nervous system was in. Disconnection. And frustrated people frustrate others on that level of consciousness.
It's just sad. So much demage have been done and now i live with it and am old enough. Now it's my turn to heal as lot as possible. To make less demage and be ... Me? and part of a community. Find the boldness and trust to let (in baby steps) go of survival and learn to live from the heart, brain and body connected.
Thank you Anna, for your orientation on this journey .
Yes this is really helpful and i feel so grateful for the daily practice you teached me and your guidance and bringing light to those taboo themes.
It's so freeing to get words and a context for what's going on inside me and others and between us and that's helping me to get along better. In a few years it could be more ☺️
so embarrassing about my cluttered apartment ..
while running to shelter .....❤1. I brought this trip upon myself....Where to escape?? Currently, exhausted, Extremely isolated, brainfog, in Israel #under_fire🎉 #day24
2. Expat from the USA, and appreciate your American accent. Voice From home . I studied psychology... Came here to confront religious Absurd-abuserS who live in Israel.😮😅😊....
So glad I just found your channel/ account. I need tips + excersize for time of war. Staying in hallways/ bomb shelters mostly. Tiny spaces. In Israel under rocket fire. Bless u for all you do! Can send me an email with your videos on you tube or any other free content you can offer. Where are you located these days? City/state? I'm an Expat from Miami currently in central Israel! Sending love, light & hugs wherever it is needed. Amen!❤️ SaraGraceFreed😊3? How to pack and plan while under fire, 4. NEIGHBORs Friends have lost.lived ones... mmm. 5. Buying groceries instead! So confused. Help!❤Sara😂🎉
Be close to God; and He will guide you, protect you and keep you on the track. Jacob said to his sons: Allah is the Best Protector.
I say this out of personal experience. Remember the sage: There is light at the end of the dark tunnel. God forgives shameful acts provided that repentance is consistent.
My God Anna I'm so sorry u went thru all that.. If u can get well ev one can
Absolutely! Everyone can heal and everyone deserves to :) -Calista@TeamFairy
'But for the grace of God, there go I.' What worked for me was to work steps in Al-Anon to differentiate false shame in thinking I caused something I didn't and real shame and guilt for things I actually did. Writing and reading it to my sponsor was essential for that...then giving the real guilt to God through Christ. Jesus paid the price for my guilty actions that hurt people. He's the only way to be free. The motivation real or imagined that motivated me to harm others was removed, and I didn't do that anymore. Then and only then I could forgive others for what they did that harmed me....but still only trust them as they proved trustworthy which happened with my dad but not my ex or my sister....because they haven't gone through this process of repentance with Christ and freedom and change. But I understood them then; I stay away for the most part, but the resentment and fear are gone. I pray for them to become free and wish the best for them.
My grandfather, who has been dead for thirty years, told me many times that the Devil can throw you in the gutter of addictions, of all kinds, whenever he wants. You need a high power to break that vicious cycle.
Truth? Or, leaving out personal responsibility?
No the world is really ALL that bad . And so am I i believe we need to be more separate to have peace. We are one big penile colony. Being around each other is not healthy in a psyche ward
How can I work trough shame that comes from age of 3 when I was sexual abused?
And this was only the start..
I felt shame when saw myself in wery dirty underwares all my childhood, when I was going somewere with my grandmom and she got drunk and did not knew how to get back home.
When they left me at my uncle's home ,also by that age and I wet the bed and was so scared that they complained about me, saying is something wrong with me..
Shame from more sexual abuse untill 6 , and shame because many times it was from elder brothers of gilrs that I use to play with..I felt so ashamed and guilty, I thought it was all my fault
Not your fault. These types of family situations are awful. Sorry you have experienced that. Daily Practice can help with the understandable fears and resentments, and if you’re looking for more Anna has a longer course, Healing CPTSD.
Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you so much Ana!
For some reason I cannot sign Up for the course, It does'nt accept my email
why does it have to be shame though ?
maybe they are just trying to deal with things and have to go through that process? to get to their core?
Your brother was right about your mom, Anna. It was all her fault. The reason your brother couldn't get over this is because there was no justice and he couldn't give that to himself.
It was your mom's job and duty to keep her stuff together and be a bseline decent mom for you, and she utterly failed in that and she did so willingly. This is very hard to get over. Pushing the blame on your brother for being treated unjustly is just a weird form of victim-blaming. I have a mom very similar to yours, and trust me, what I needed was some form of restitution to move on.
This weird idea of simply being above it all and being stoic about everything is simply not going to work for everyone out there.
I’m sorry you didn’t have a decent mom… it absolutely isn’t fair that someone hurt their children in various ways. It makes sense to me that people have to feel that anger for awhile at someone who hurt them.. and grieve the harm that was done,and the fact that they were treated badly. I don’t think you can just gloss over it, and shouldn’t. But I do think at some point people have to choose to either remain in a defeated broken state, or work towards healing in spite of what someone else did to then. I’m not saying that’s easy by any means… I think it’s a process. But if you are always blaming someone else and ruminating on it, you are spending energy on keeping that anger alive instead of using it to heal and grow and move past it. That’s just my 2 cents from my own experience…
My grandfather was an alcoholic. My uncle followed in his footsteps. His younger sister, my mom, was hurt by her father’s alcoholism but did not face the same level of corporal punishment my uncle did. My grandfather got sober through AA. One of the steps is apologizing to those you hurt. He apologized to my uncle and offered to take him to an AA meeting. My uncle went and got sober, too. But his sobriety did start with my grandfather’s apology. Y’all are both right because sometimes that apology doesn’t ever come … and then what? You either find a way to heal or your self-destruct. It’s much easier when the person who hurt you apologizes and owns his/her mistakes. But it doesn’t always happen that way.
I’ve been dating this man and we had a nice walk one day and I said to him about the sea and he said are you sure your right and I said yes it’s true and he said I’m not sure your right and in the end he said look let’s just leave it at that I felt really wounded and I know I’m sensitive to my childhood trauma then I went onto say about having face cream on my face to protect t from the sun then he went onto say but then your eat 10 cakes this little comments went on a few times when I got home I know they are me going back into my inner child like I would if my mother spoke to me like this as a adult am I wrong to stop seeing this man or is it my childhood trauma coursing me to run I really want to meet a man that picks me up and is my best friend but all I got from this man his criticism and I felt a little disrespect am I right? To not see him again or is it me? ❤
If you don’t like the words he’s saying to you, say something. If it continues, don’t stay. You get in life whatever you allow. So if you want better, don’t allow it. Time to move on.
@@dr.bandito60 thank you it’s what I was thinking myself I was just maybe a little worried I might be taking stuff to personal
🤍🤍🤍☀️☀️☀️🍀🍀🍀
Thank you for your vulnerability
Thank you for your kind words! -Calista@TeamFairy