My mom was a good parent, but often had two sides. It’s still challenging to befriend her because of her mean side. The mean side showed up a lot when I was growing up. Loud, angry, aggressive, loved to pick fights, bullying etc I felt like I had to keep her happy. When I tried to speak up, I was told that I was “being mean”. It’s challenging to voice my own thoughts and opinions because I’m always afraid of making other people angry. I’m learning that I can’t control their reactions and I do have to right to speak up for myself. I’m not a doormat, or rather, I don’t want to be anymore. It’s not fair to me.
Had the same type of narcissistic parent Little goals go a long way, sometimes saying no to things you dont want to do and ripping that bandaid off while keeping cool and not changing tune of voice to argumentative helps a ton, doing that more made me start valuing myself as a person so I started to voice more and more opinions as well as being aware of being drawn to said opinions made me all the more confident in them. Change won't happen overnight, be the change you want to be but dont beat yourself up if you fail.
Avoiding reacting to her behaviour, will help you not give her ability to manipulate you emotionally. Mental health is terribly poorly managed in society in general.
Timestamps 1). You don't feel "seen" 1:25 2). Your values become compromised 1:58 3). You feel responsible for other people's reactions 2:32 4). You're terrified of making decisions for others 3:08 5). You feel guilty about getting them angry 3:43 6). You over-apologize 4:15 7). You don't know how to say no 4:48 Hope this helps you out. Hope you have a nice day. 💙💙💙💙💙💙
This is absolutely me, and I still can’t find my wake-up call after all these years. At the worst times, being « too nice » and overly adaptive becomes my whole personality and I feel like it’s taking over everything permanently the more time goes by. I also feel like people my age are over that phase for quite a while now when I’m still stuck in that mentality, it makes me feel extremely ashamed and lame tbh
I 100% feel this. I would take on so many things trying to please others that I would burn out, and sometimes start to resent people. Of course I could never show this resentment, but it would slowly leak out into the rest of my life
Start reversing that bad habit by rewiring the mind to: ¹everyone is already against you and wants to use you to only benefit them, leaving you stripped of worthily being treated with care or respect. ² You don't have time for people to selfishly use you. This mind frame makes it easier to not care about hurting someone's feelings when discerning between whether a person has good intentions toward you or if the person already had bad intentions towards you. Always keep in mind that YOUR emotions applied in the right or wrong direction can be good or detrimental to YOU when someone thinks you won't stand up for yourself. Because a person with good intentions towards you will benefit and you will benefit. But someone with bad intentions towards you will leave you in semi-regret. ³Start setting boundaries within yourself as rules or laws that you won't go against, to enforce on yourself to protect yourself from those that will come against you to benefit their selfishness. And pray to God for the necessary help to acquire the knowledge and wisdom to be able to deal with both people with good intentions and bad intentions toward you. So that your different experiences with people don't feel like they are withdrawing "valuable things about you" from you. And stop depositing or investing the valuable things about you in people without examining if it's profitable for you. On very few occasions it is o.k. to be charitable with your time, skill, attributes or contributions or whatever the matter. Oh and sometimes you don't have to be verbally polite when protecting yourself. Just try to refrain from using profanity when setting your boundaries when dealing with people. Because some will push your buttons if they feel like they know you enough, provoking you to anger.
@deannal.newton9772 I have become too psychic that I'm no more willing to chase people because they only seek good looking people and especially those who always do what they expect to .
The fear of being alone might be true for some, but not for me. I love my solitude, but I'm forced to interact with other people to survive (i.e. going to a job with other people, keeping familial ties because it's expected, keeping social ties just in case I need help down the line, making 'friends' to help mitigate the "you must be lonely" talks). And because I have to interact, now I also have to over-exert myself to keep the peace. 😮💨
For some its a survival mechanism to control the behavior of those around them to avoid harm. If I'm nice to this person, they have less reason to want to harm you.
I recognize all of these traits in myself. It started over 50 years ago, and from mainly my father. I think I was born with many of those character traits, and my father was the one who fostered them in me. He treated me much differently than my other brothers and my sister. I was the oldest son, but as I found out when I turned 18, he was my stepfather, and everyone kept it from me, including my friends. My mother apparently told everyone but me. My three brothers where his biological sons. He even told me, when I was 15, that he wasn't going to treat his other kids the way he treated me. So all the verbal and physical abuse I suffered was all mine to have to deal with. It's haunted me for decades.
@@DerHammerSpricht Thank you. :) I have thought about writing it all down, just to try to make sense of it. I never thought about how my story could help others though. I suppose most people who have this kind of trauma suffer in silence, putting on a persona around other people. BTW, I have peaky Blinders on my watchlist. I'm going to give it a go!
That really sucks :( I hope your future life is heavily sprinkled with intermittent joy. And I'm not fawning either, I'm often disagreeable as hell 😈 😊 But don't forget to be kind to the "young-you" who went through that... you owe yourself an extra heaping spoonful of self compassion on the regular. Best wishes.
Im so sorry u had to go through all that💔. My mom isn’t the best person either so I definitely get how u feel even though ur experience is a lil different from mine. I hope that things will get better for u very soon & that amazing things come ur way❤️🙏🏾
@@gabbysade6477 thank you for your kind words. Maybe someone else could have disregarded what their parent(s) put them through, someone with a different set of character traits they were born with. I was the type of kid that could have benefited from encouragement and support. I'm 57 and I'm only starting to realize that I'm okay, and that it's not me but my father who was at fault. I guess it's one of those "you had to be there" situations. No one can experience it the way I did. I have always been hyper-focused on hoping no one saw me the way my father did, but believing they did. Even when I was around friends I was suspicious that they were patronizing me. It's just so ridiculously irrational sounding! I am finally at the point that it's okay if they don't like me, and that those that seem to, are probably genuine. But even if they aren't, I'm okay with it. Someone told me that 30 percent of people won't like you, 30 percent will, and 30 percent don't have a thought either way. I think that I'm past the halfway point of my life, and my priorities are shifting. I've let go of so many things I used to think were so important, like not liking my place in life, along with other things. I have a tendency to drone on. lol. Again thank you for reaching out to me. It means a lot. I also wish you all the best. God bless. 🙏
I relate to almost all of these. I never knew about this trauma response and I finally feel like there’s an explanation to how I act. The constant “you need to be honest about what you want” and “stand up for yourself” from my family always made me feel worse about it. So thank you for making this video
It’s funny you say that because it’s like my family doesn’t really except me to appoint. But friends and coworkers always tell me Lisa stay who you are, we love you. It’s very confusing to me.
@@Chippy88 i’m sorry to hear about that and I know how that feels for the most part. My family and most of my friends make me feel like there’s something extremely wrong with me when the topic gets brought up. I only have one friend that truly understands and I’m very thankful for them. I hope everything gets better for you and everyone that goes through this. Have a wonderful day ❤
Yeah i relate. Everyone is telling me to do something about myself, to do it myself, to worry about myself.. myself myself myself.. Whenever something like this is brought up i feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me because I simply don't see any way i can be THAT myself. I am basically used to the me that doesn't know who i am. That's why i realized i need other's help. Because I've come to the point that it's easier for me to find my true self when someone points out things about myself, rather than just being myself automatically.
This video hit me like a tonne of bricks. I will never forget the day my old friend said to me, “you’re the best person to hang out with. You just say yes to everything.” And it did not feel like the compliment she meant it as. I identified with every aspect of this video unfortunately. Understanding your own boundaries after a life of letting others distort them seems to always be a work in progress, but a well worth one. I now have friends who support my boundaries, accept the person I was before was purely for the benefit of others and allow me the grace to slowly realise my true self, moral codes and most importantly boundaries. I hope everyone who identified with this video too, feels the strength within themselves, to choose yourself and not manipulate your moral compass, even if it’s at the expense of losing people around you 🙏🏽
One of my old friends said something similar too once. He basically said: "You never say no, if I said hey let's jump off the bridge, you would jump." Which, just like in your case, didn't feel like a compliment at all.
Yes, this is me. I can forgive anyone else except me. I have these traits & am luckily in therapy which helps but it is a struggle not to fall into these patterns continuously.
I think i'm healing from the wounds being "too nice". Self-respect becomes a powerful tool when you have to overcome others' expectations when, in a way, you only offer what your life lacks. Big hug and support to all you people struggling from being too nice, be good to yourself :) eventually everything will fit on its place
@@mayamcnally6635 hi! My advice always is to clean your relations diameter, there are things that you reach and the life always provides someone to give, in that sense, you have to aproach the same as you need. This becomes circular, everyone recieves and everyone becomes grateful. Remember that we ussually provide our lacks. As always, a big hug to yourself every morning to grow selflove and respect
I never knew fawning was a trauma response but it does make sense to me now. Now I know why I acted the way I did, but I also had an aggresive side to me too after a while. I would lash out whenever I was embarassed. I went from fawning to being mean and defensive. Still to this day I continue to learn more about myself. Thanks for the video.
I feel violated. In all seriousness, such a helpful video, I get told that I'm too nice all the time. It definitely comes from a fear of rejection and loneliness that stems from when I was younger and didn't really have much in the way of friends, got picked on a lot too. This has been an eye-opener and makes me want to show myself more self-respect, which luckily, a couple friends of mine remind me I should do too, but it's really hard because it feels like a huge part of my identity at this point, being the "nice guy" and all that jazz. I'm afraid of what I'd be left with if I decided to do something about this. Either way, I'm gonna pay more attention to it, for all you fawners out there, I wish you all the best and I hope that we can all find peace within ourselves
Hey man whatever you are going through im sure you can get through it (as a [probably] fawner myself i was questioning if i should type this comment but when i saw that noone left a reply i figured i would leave a reply here)
Nah, you're more than just a 'nice guy'. Just imagining all the other fawners out there, there's no way that all are the same. There's so much more to you than that. And besides, it sounds like you have a lot of good friends. They care about you and want to 'be yourself' more. Most of them won't leave just because you stop fawning, and the ones that do... well, maybe they weren't really friends in the first place, then.
I feel you. Here was my first step towards some personal growth in this area, learn to say the simple “No.” It sounds simple but it is NOT. It was very hard to begin to pull back and not agree to EVERYTHING and EVERYONE who pulled at me for something. I began to realize that one of the reasons I was so “popular and beloved” at most institutions I was involved with was because I said “Yes!” to every request. Good for them, bad for me and my family. Practice, practice, practice the simple No. Q: Can you make 100 paper snails for our display by 10am tomorrow? A: Sorry, No. Walk out the door with keys in hand…. (Add the sorry until you are comfortable without it or always use it for propriety. NEVER be tempted to give a reason, NOT anyone’s business why. “No.” Is a complete sentence here.
I also had few friends, got picked on a lot, got abused at home; then finally found new 'friends' only to later realize most of them were using me for one reason or another while talking shit behind my back to anyone who would listen. Now that I've found self respect it's a problem for everyone and they try to label it as immature entitlement because they can't manipulate me anymore. You don't have to give a single shit what other people think or say, because at the end of the day someone will still see you as the enemy because most people need an adversary in their life. As a point of reference, I used to be inpatient in a mental hospital as a suicidal teen. Now I've been in a mostly happy marriage for 8 years. Be yourself, regardless of what anyone has to say about it.
I recognised and changed my negative patterns a long time ago and looking back it does made me wonder how could I ever ask respect of others when I refuse to? After a while of changing my behaviour patterns I could enhance the adaptations. You just need to confront yourself about these issues.
Yes I definitely identify with these. My parents always taught me to be kind and polite which I am grateful for but I wish they had taught me how to set boundaries and it’s ok to say no . This is something I will definitely be teaching my child that not everyone has the same good heart and nature and people will take advantage of you
yup, I know it's a fine line and you don't want a kid to grow up spoiled but I really feel that parents who are obsessed with making their kids polite are just prioritising the feelings of others over their own children's future happiness by training them to be yes-men.
As a retired therapist and survivor of very stressful life events, this is a really good video. I think we all experience trauma in life, whether it's relationship trauma or accident, health or crime victim trauma. So this vid gives you some good insight!
I’ve always been seen as the “mom-friend”, and this video helped me realized that I overcompensate for not wanting to be a “burden” (keep my head down, don’t ask too many questions, etc.), so I always try to be there for others. A few weeks ago, I discovered that I need to feel needed, and that if I legitimately can’t do something, people will stop relying on me. Not sure exactly when or how this started, but I have some digging & healing to do.
It's the same for me. I was called the "mom-friend" by my close friend group, and even by my chorus teacher in highschool cause I would help those around me. While it does feel nice to help others, the expectations I put on myself are almost always too much to realistically handle. Then I scold myself if I can't live up to them, or I come across as a "disappointment". It's hard.
you will be able to heal eventually, even though it may seem like it's taking a while, all these steps that you are taking in order to heal will come to light eventually. Even if it takes a day, one month, two months, six months, a year or 5 years, It will all fit into place and you will beign your healing journey. God bless
I've lived a life of almost exclusive trauma, and at times outright torture and it's taken me over a year of therapy to even barely be on the cusp of realizing the true depths of horror I've been through and to see a path forward and this vid is exactly what I've been trying to explain to my therapist but not having the right words. I'll definitely be touching on this next session
Yep was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD when I was 2. I always felt like I was taught to put the needs of others before myself. I found it difficult saying no to people. I suppressed a lot of how I felt so I make others around me comfortable. This and being a frequent church attendee really turned me into a perfectionist. I over apologise for literally a lot of things, even for setting boundaries when I felt uncomfortable. I really didn’t have a good understanding of who I was and what my values truly were because I was always going thinking about what others thought and being afraid of being myself.
I'm so sorry you felt like that dude, when I was little I thought people looked so happy so they didn't have much problems, but almost everyone has their own baggage and you are so strong for moving forward . Your thoughts and emotions aren't always Right, If they nudge you in a state where you don't take care of yourself, you don't have to follow that. Life is too short
Same here, except I have Asperger's. Saying no is almost a myth to me. Getting mentally and emotionally abused seems normal (and at times I want abuse to punish myself). What really seems impossible for me is finding someone o love me. I don't think it'll ever happen. All I do is get embarrassed by others (or by me) when I try to have fun with others. I've been so conditioned into believing that I am pathetic if I don't please others in every way, that I started scolding myself for trying to be my own person. I don't know if I can recover from this.
@@DeRez19 i believe that you can. You aren't all of your thoughts. So many people that i know believed that they will die alone, but have many friends now, even if they have ADHD or Bipolar disorder. U are worth it, you deserve to be loved JUST AS YOU ARE
Thank you for sharing. It makes me feel I'm not alone and I identify with 3-7 of the statements. In 2 weeks I'll find out if I'm in the autism spectrum or not in my next appointment, as I've been doing tests to get checked for it. I'm in my 30s though, but at least I'll find out more about myself.
After living like this for so long it's sad to think that my own people pleasing isn't truly being kind to others but instead trying to control their perception of me. The book you mentioned in the beginning is extremely useful for those of us suffering from cptsd. Finally going to therapy has also been helpful when it comes to my people pleasing. For those of you out there who struggle with this just know you can be kind to others while also being kind to yourself! Saying NO when you need to does not make you a mean person. Thank you Psych2Go for covering this!!!
Compensation = finding ways around things that are naturally difficult. Example: Forcing yourself to make eye contact with someone Masking = hiding parts of your autism. Example = Not talking about something you are really interested in Assimilation = trying to fit in with everyone else so people don't notice you are different. Example: Talking to a stranger in a shop even if you don't want to (TherapyWorks- What it Means to be Neurodiversity Affirming)
I have a question for you but I won’t ask if you don’t respond because that would be a waste of time so if you do see this and choose to answer, then please respond.
I've been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember. I had no identity in school and was severely bullied up until I was someone who could make people laugh or rely on so that's all I did. Relationships came and went as years went by and I applied the same thing to all of them, negated my own feelings and views for their own and ending up with really no identity of my own. After years and years of this it's just become somewhat numbing where I don't even think about it anymore and am no longer effected by just saying yes to everything and going along with whatever. I used to like helping people for just the feeling that I was being a help but nowadays I get anxious getting more than one message from anyone. I have become very unresponsive and a shell of what I used to be because I try to avoid conversations that I overly invest myself into and try not to give myself the chance to people please because its just draining at this point in my life to do, I just overworked myself as a free personal therapist. It's come to a point where I think it's way too late to do something about or even imagine a change without serious repercussions to my current life. I would be negating other peoples feelings all at once while I have been enabling them for all this time, it would be very out of left field and more than likely have a negative effect on my relationships with certain people. Therapy is also very expensive. Life rocks
With each video I watch here, I realize just how much damage my childhood trauma has done to me, even in my adult life. I never had an idea of just how much I need to resolve to live a better life. I'm forever grateful to you guys for shining light on a lot about our inner selves, I'll forever be grateful for what you do❤❤. Hopefully soon I'll be able to attend therapy and heal all these deep scars from my childhood. Thank you so much Psych2Go, you guys are the best!❤❤
We need to accept our "negative" feelings, rather than avoid or repress them. Suffering and sadness are natural and essential parts of life, and important-they lead to psychological growth. ROLLO MAY (1909-1994) DK THE PSYCHOLOGY BOOK
Just yesterday, my school had a semi-formal event and I went with a group of friends. I really needed it to enjoy myself after several months of hardship but I didn’t enjoy it like I thought. The moment we got there, my “friends” ditched me for the whole night and left me moping at a table by myself for three hours. I cannot express to you how awful and disgusting I felt. Don’t people please, guys. It doesn’t build relationships like you think it does.
This is literally me, and I'm pretty sure it's because of some trauma I had in primary school. It's nice to know that this is a 'real thing' and I'm not the only one going through it. I used to think I was just being weak but this video is making me see things differently. Thanks for making this video.
I've just started therapy, Everything in this video spoke to my life. I know where my trauma started and how it locked in for me. Thank you for this video.
There's a powerful note that echoes through every day. It is self-respect, setting a tone for how you treat yourself and how you expect others to treat you. If you stuff away who you really are, you’re sending a message to subserviate your needs. If you prioritize self-care, that self-regard will echo through the choices. One area will touch the next, like notes cascading to create a beautiful melody. Take a tiny step and let the symphony of your life begin.
@@LatinaChef1986 I agree and that takes time and dedication from both parties (you and your therapist) because fawning is an involuntary survival response cultivated from childhood. That's looking a loooooong way back on therapy sessions. EDMR might be needed.
Thank you for the amazing vid! Great insights. In my case, I'm not "too nice", but rather "overprotective" or at least "concern a lot". All because of trauma. Now it feels like trauma can cause everything. I'm concerned (again). I never really push myself to fulfill other's expectation again, but I feel responsible to help those who need it. For those who are reading this, I'm glad that you've made it this far. I respect you. Keep up your good work and intention! But now, don't forget that you're also a person who deserve your own attention. Have a great day, everyone!
Definitely working on this. Setting boundaries and saying no has helped my self love & worth a lot. Stems from my childhood trauma I am sure. You matter.
this made me realize how far I've come in fixing myselft without actually knowing what to fix or what exactly it was. Thank you for that honestly its been rough lately up there, but being able to somewhat put a finger on where it could come from is a massive help!
C-PTSD is something I've dealt with since I was a child but have never been able to fully have a handle on, I'm always appreciative of these videos on the subject as they help me further understand and compartmentalize these issues of mine, they help me feel like these issues are finally tangible to me.
I learned to be less nice as I got older, the world does not benefit someone who is kind-hearted they are only taken advantage of repeatedly. Often I find it is best to be callously-rational and only give kindness to the people that actually need it or prove they deserve it.
As someone pleaser and empathetic getting out of a "relationship" with a narcissist guy, I'm learning to love myself and all these videos are helping me so much! 💖
THANK YOU FOR THESE VIDEOS! Has anyone ever told me that I'm too nice? Yes, many times, including myself. "Fawning" describes it well. I don't believe anyone ever truly respected me because of it. It's even led to some to take advantage of my Mr. Nice guy persona to attack me. I was always the one to help others, for approval. I had a friend that used me like that, and I let them. But I finally had enough, and one day I told that person I'm done. I walked out and never contacted them again, even whey they tried to contact me. It's bee three years, and it's been a huge burden that's been lifted. I'm finally starting to put myself first. I don't even care who does or doesn't like me. Maybe it's because I'm 56 now, approaching my latter years, so what I find important and what I prioritize has greatly shifted. I've let so much go in the name of helping others out. And yes, it caused me a lot of pain and I didn't even realize it. Since the pandemic shut everything down, I've realized how much time I was spending volunteering that time to other people and even an organization. I've spent the last 2.5 years just decompressing. I'm glad I was available to help people out, including the organization, but I want to spend what remaining time I have left for ME.
I Don't Think It's Just "Trauma" Which Causes The "Too Nice" Behaviour....But Never Hearing Any Sort Of Compliments Or Positive Things About Ones Self From Others... It Comes Out Of Serious Lack Of Self Esteem...😥
Reading you like this makes me feel you're someone self aware about his difficulties,and that's pretty awesome today when most people rather blame others only. So you're doing good ! 😊😊
For some of us we were trained to fawn because saying no was not an option, your feelings had no value and boundaries werent allowed to exist. For some of us saying no does illicit an immediate backlash until we comply.
It's hard to say sometimes it's basic genuinity being a nice to everyone but sometimes it's the trauma showing through if one knows how to tell the difference. From personal experience it's hard not to value ones own feelings compared to anothers
All indicators apply to me. I started crying halfway through because of how obvious this all has been to me and how i thought i am overthinking it, yet now realizing this I don’t know where to start and how to overcome it all. I guess starting from somewhere is something. To anyone out there struggling, either with this or anything else, i feel for you and good luck, we got this.
This makes sense. You have to put yourself aside to make the situation comfortable and neglect yourself. 😢 It works but you still aren’t being taken care of; and that happens longterm. I’ve been helped by many perhaps have seen it in themselves and defended me. But, while I’m thankful, I must defend myself and have myself be seen via my boundaries or distance from those that don’t respect me or said boundaries. I’ve found that I’m happier but also that my thoughts, opinions, and values are worthy and have substance, content, and worth & are worth cultivating.
Oh well, I didn't even know this was a thing but it explains a lot. I get told a lot that I'm "too nice" and shoudn't say sorry after everything I do that might annoy or irritate someone which most of the time is just in my head. Thanks for making this video, it definitely helps me understand myself a little and why I am like this. : ^)
SORRY FOR THE RANT IN ADVANCE: I have always been told I'm "too nice". In fact, before someone told me about it, it had never occurred to me that I am "too nice". I always over-apoligise, and I feel as though everyone's wrong doings are because of me. I take the blame every time. I never truly thought about it that much until this video popped into my feed, and I realise that this could be me. I have a feeling that my PTSD might come from my past experiences with my family. I was always taught to not say no. Saying no meant disrespect and disappointment from your family. If I ever said no to my parents they would instantly yell at me and tell me that I wasn't allowed to say no. Then I asked them if I wasn't allowed to say no, then why give me a choice in the question? Why ask me if I wanted more if you're already going to force me to eat more? Then they would yell at me for talking back. This all still follows me today. I also find that it will follow my sister. We have a really big age gap, and I find that a lot of times when she gets in trouble is because she said no. How can we teach children this? I don't want my sister to end up like me but I don't know how to stop it either. I'm too scared to.
It's great that you are learning this about yourself. Keep setting healthy boundaries, I promise that you can learn this. Please help your sister. Have one on one talks with her. Explain that what your parents are doing is not right. Explain how you have experienced the same things. Also say that it's perfectly fine to say NO outside of the home and that people should accept it. It's important to talk to little sis, because your parents might instill wrong lessons. For example like you said why do they ask a question if the answer is wrong and unacceptable? And they even shout at you. This might make you scared to make decisions on your own. Or you don't know how to make decisions, because your parents made them for you. Another wrong lesson: No holds no power. This is wrong. When she goes outside and meets people with wrong intentions she will not be able to say no to them. Because she learned that no holds no power or meaning. It's making her vulnerable. Be a big sis and protect her ❤ You might heal your inner child too when you talk to her. Good luck, wishing you two sisters all the best.
I don't have friends... noticed it in high school when no one asked me to go out or to bar with them... I just listened how fun they had had and felt like "Why wasn't I there too?" And I have never felt so lonely. Not even when I was bullied in middle school. But ofc my "friendship" was good enough when I was able to give others knowledge or something else...
For a lot of my life I’ve dealt with all these things and tried to fix them, but I’ve never had a word for it. It puts a lot of things in perspective. I do genuinely love making others smile, but for the longest time a lot of my friendships were just people pleasing. Now I’ve been learning how to separate what is healthy and unhealthy in terms of trying to make others smile and making myself happy.
I was married to a narcissist and we had 4 children. We all had one job and it was 24/7, keep mommy happy. Tell her what she wants to hear, or she'll make life hell for all of us. We became a family of fawns. Since then I learned to say NO and enjoy it. I would tell her the truth and that felt sooooo good, but she would be so offended and give me weeks of silent treatment. I just grew to the point that I just didn't care to please her any longer, because I finally figured out that it's impossible to keep her or anybody else happy.
I have related to this video in many ways. Truly, I am trying my hardest to grow from this. It leaves a pit in my stomach whenever I forget to practice not fawning. This video has reminded me that I can always ask for help in my life. That it’s ok to have struggles like this. It’s ok to not know what your doing, as long as you are able to adress it and find a way to relieve it. I will try to get professional help! Thanks!
7 Signs your not too nice it's your trama (Frawning) This one was very different and helpful for me, thank you a lot for making it PSI i will try approving
Childhood trauma or psychiatric disorders can really mimic the symptoms of narcissism. One of the main reasons I am trying to heal is so I don't seem negative to every new person I meet. I've already head certain people say that they are unable to be around me and honestly I don't blame them but I sympathize for making them put up with it.
It is so relateable. I struggle with this for so long. For me it started at the age of 4 moving to a new place and the kids i lived next to were, now that i look back on it, pretty toxic. Even now. I was constantly surrounded by people berating me. My parents were great people. But for me my surrounding was what kind of made me this way. This video made me realize where this feeling comes from. Im so glad that this feeling can be explained.
I didn’t realize what fawning was and this makes so much sense to me, definitely have a hard time saying no, and definitely have trauma by over thinking, feeling guilty and saying sorry for everything.
I was told that I was responsible for others' feelings. Also, a man from a step program told me,"You cower from people." He never offered any suggestions on how to work on it. I left that 12 step program. Those programs seemed to me like steps on how to please people. I was also told to be vulnerable. Aarrg! I ALREADY felt vulnerable- like naked in public.
This is one of the most relatable videos to me. You hit the nail on the head, and it makes me feel better knowing someone can describe what it feels like for me.
I really can relate to this.. I’ve been going through a tough time lately due to the negative repercussions of putting my fear of other people’s reactions first.. instead of standing up for myself and for what I cared about.. I really compromised my values and it led me down a path that only bred mistrust and dishonesty because I would fawn for several individuals at the same time (all with competing interests).. it made me lose myself.. and I’m really trying to put myself on the path to finding myself again and being a better person for the ones I care about
I am 62 & just started therapy after taking over FT care of my ailing elderly dad a few years ago. I’m adopted & suffice it to say I was extremely traumatized by this adoptive family in every manner. I separated myself from them at 17 & deluded myself as to what happened burying everything in the recess of forgotten memories. As an “adult” I followed the usual just surviving in life & repeated pattern of abusive relationships. Although I was the most severely abused & therefore the most affected I could not abandon my father to himself when he could no longer care for himself. This brought back so many memories & emotions I had buried & I forced myself to go to therapy because I would kill both him & I, semi-jesting. Anyway, what I’ve learned at this old age is to do what is best for YOU. Don’t compare, listen to yourself. People say you can only get past if you forgive the wrongdoer. The heck I say - I did not forgive. But I did accept that that person probably did the best they could in that situation but that in no way grants them forgiveness, only God can. Just learning to Accept facts & the past as just events that Happened to me not Because of me. Focus changes, learning, whatever, ONLY ON YOU. Whatever good energy you put into yourself goes out into the universe touches others & comes back to you recharged & it will automatically help you in whatever you need. And find a therapist that is similar in your beliefs. If you believe in aliens find someone who does also. Just words of encouragement put out here - it’s never too late to start your journey to freedom, happiness, self-discovery, love, everything!
i think of all the signs i can relate to the last sign...i do have a problem in saying no but now i'm working on it, but then at the same time i'll be missing out on so many things that anyone my age will go out of the way and do it. as a result of this, i have developed a sense of ‘selective’ social anxiety if that's a thing, where you can be either outwardly crazy or loner depending on your social setting...it's complicated to explain but it's there solid as a rock
This video has me questioning everything (in a good way). Now, I view my younger self as wearing blank clothing, as if a canvas, for other's personalities and values to be painted on. I never gave myself space to be unique and am now, through therapy and self reflection, learning to set boundaries and be myself. After watching this video, I realized the areas I am still lacking in not fawning, and I now know where my focus should be. Really, what I'm trying to say is that this video has helped me a lot, and I want to say thank you ❤
Geez. I can relate to everything listed on here. I feel like ive lost my own identity cause Ive always resorted to copying others' personalities since I know that might please them if I was like them.
Gosh this hit hard... I never thought of myself as being too nice cause I'm a bit of a kindhearted grump - at least now. Used to be a kid/teen that was stubborn as shit, would get angry if I felt mistreated and was just pretty concerned about being self-sufficient and independent. And then BOOM dad suddenly died when I was a teen. I remember it very well - seeing my family crumble under what was happening and taking on all the burdens like planning and speaking at the funeral at the tender age of 15. And it truly is almost like a curse because it's difficult to decide when you've done "enough" because people get far too comfortable letting you take the brunt of everything and every situation that comes after. But oh boy, the PTSD and fear of loss makes it very very difficult to put yourself first. It's been 10 years now, I've grown and learned, but especially with family members, it can be difficult to escape. Cause they can weaponize their experience with the shared trauma and then pull the card of "well it doesn't bother you as much", completely invalidating your experience. Therapy and time helped but won't resolve ongoing issues that are not caused by you. If you are a fawner with family trauma, DON'T let them invalidate your trauma! You are strong and kind to give way and let them use you, but remember to be strong and kind for yourself! Love your family, but love yourself most!
I didn’t realize this was a trauma response… I just thought I did this because I’m the eldest and I hold more obligation than the rest of my family. Plus whenever I would fail to complete a single task at a specified time and day, or say “no” for my mental health, I was told that I wasn’t making my family proud. I realized that my being stretched too thin and my inability to say no is making me separate myself from certain people and family members, even ones that rarely ask me for anything. I have plans to move to a different country by myself in order to get away from this. Knowing now that it’s a trauma response is showing me that even if I do move, I might just attract other people who I would do the same with anyways. Wow this video helped more than I would ever have thought.
I’m a _massive_ fawn, I knew all of this beforehand but I relate to all of the signs covered in this video. It’s so draining sometimes. I’m my parents’ go to child, because I’m always the one who gets stuff done, because I have so much difficulty saying no, and I want my mum to be happy, and I want my dad to not get mad. It’s frustrating sometimes, because I have two also adult brothers, but I feel like so much more is expected of me, and part of me feels like that’s my fault because I never say no, but also how can I say no? Both of those answers feel like typical fawning responses. 😅 I’ve always been a people pleaser, I still find it difficult to speak out against people, especially my family, when they say things I don’t agree with or that are blatantly untrue. The fact that some of them get so aggressive over it is part of why I just smile and nod, and scream on the inside. I definitely feel very guilty when other people get upset, like I almost always feel it’s somehow my fault and that I have to fix things because of that, even if it’s not. I’m so bad at making decisions for others because I’m so worried they won’t like what I pick, and then they’ll be upset, and that would be my fault. My girlfriend asked me what she should have for breakfast yesterday and she gave me 6 options to pick from for her and it was crippling. Definitely feel angry at myself for how I’ve let myself be treated. I have been through two toxic, at times even emotionally abusive relationships because I just let my exes get away with things because I couldn’t stand up for myself, because I was scared that it would upset them, and I’d have days where I’d have to tell myself what they did to me weren’t actually bad (they were bad, they absolutely were bad.) Oh boy, to say I over-apologise is an understatement. 😅 I absolutely take the blame for everything, because that way other people won’t get upset. My girlfriend tells me so often that I’m too nice to her, which on one hand, no because I love her and I want her to be happy, and her being happy makes me happy. But on the other hand, both of us know that it is also partially my fawning response, even though she’s very compassionate and understanding of my issues I still do feel that fawning response with her just because it’s so ingrained in me. Also see above about being the go to child to my parents. Screw abuse and trauma, they suck. 🙃
omg yes that was so precise fawning is how i build relationships and the relationships are draining, inauthentic, unfulfilling i just end up dropping them at the end cuz i feel so invisible and used in them. After I get burnt out and stop being overly nice and giving I realize we had nothing in common from the beginning and I have no idea why i did so much for this person who only liked what I could do for them. If people really like you they dont want anything from you because who you are is enough
This is me 100%. I was wondering about this the night before this video was uploaded. I didn't think I was just being "too nice," I thought I was traumatized (add this to Asperger's and oh gosh). After studying and watching this video, I see now that I was right. The problem is destroying the habit of being too nice for people. I feel like an absolute piece of trash almost every day, because I don't please everyone. I get mistreated quite often but then try to "justify" it subconsciously. I hate standing up for myself, especially when a woman is involved (seriously, what CAN I do? Everyone says the woman is always right). I am incredibly fearful of being scolded or rejected, because it always happened in public and it was always super embarrassing. I don't think many people like me as a result. Probably explains why I'm struggling to find love, too. I honestly don't even know if I'm a good person or not, anymore. I once thought I was improving from this, but I'm evidently getting worse...
'A man is as he thinketh in his heart'. One stranger to another, I'd put more faith in the understanding of yourself which you formed as a child, being that at that stage in your life, you were likely only less psychologically compromised. We are all, always changing. Development is a lifelong journey. Work diligently and patiently on the areas of your life and personality that you recognise need work, be true to yourself and hold your head high, brother. The best advice I have from my own journey through similar difficulties is to not underestimate the interplay that good posture has through time on your proclivity toward various mental states. Stand tall, ever onwards, ever upwards.
@@stevostevens5846 Thank you for the comment. I will try to learn more about myself... well, learn more about the good I bring. I seem to only see negatives, but maybe I am wrong to think I am nothing but darkness.
@Fallen Without the light, there can be no darkness. To recognise the capacity for true evil (willing perpetuation of unnecessary suffering) within you and to fall into despair is the natural way of things. It would be natural to condemn yourself for God only knows what you've done. Though hate cannot save your tortured mind. The only salvation in the darkness of the valley is love. You must remember who you are, recognise where your trespasses against your soul have occurred and forgive yourself, giving way for the knowledge it has earned you to empower your going forward and shining of light on the struggles of others who still face the trials you have conquered. In this you play the role of a good shepherd and earn the forgiveness of God (the divination of all). The universe can only be to us as we construct it in our minds, and what we construct will either empower us or break us down. Learn all you can from you falling into sin and return to your strength wiser on the struggles of your 'enemy', that you might help them heal with the gentle, understanding and humble guidance of your hard won gnosis. Without your darkness, perhaps you would be weak, and what value do you offer divine cause then. You may be weak now, but you do not yet understand your darkness. Trust in God distant friend, the good lord will never abandon you. a phrase that says nothing but means everything.
this channel has helped me immensely and whoever is reading this or other commenters may have seen my comments before. These vids have helped me grow over time and allow me to research myself and my behaviors. I am most definitely fawning for some reason or another and this video has given me enough insight into it to view the ramifications from an external perspective and positively work to better myself. tysm
I think I've always been aware of this trait about me, but didn't have a name for it and it is also mixed with other kinds of trauma I think, so I can exhibit a few different responses to many situations but in some way or another all of them are some type of coping mechanism linked to a part of me that understands it's how I survived for a long time. I don't think these traits serve me anymore, and haven't for a while. As I age, I systemically knock some of my habits away, breaking free and in some moments realizing that I am worth more than I have ever given myself credit for, and standing up for myself. Being better at setting boundaries. One day I decided I was grown and it was time to start undoing all this damage up here. This video confirmed many things for me and also taught me some new stuff as well. I still have work to do, but I'm healing very slowly, I think.
Yes yes yes! This is me! I'm still unlearning it. My ex friend used to start fights and blame me for things that I hadn't even realized I'd done or things that were out of my control, turning every tiny thing I said into an attack on her. So I trained myself to keep track of every word I said and to apologize for anything that has even the slightest chance of being mean
yikes. Way to feel being called out for being 'too nice'. Granted I do have a limit to it and never go full doormat but there are times I do catch myself doing it without ever thinking about it.
I relate to all of these, my childhood trauma taught me that I have to feel happy for everyone, and that my emotions are secondary to everyone else. Then when I finally realized I should think of my own feelings and started to express what I really felt, almost all of my friends went back on their promise to “never leave me” and now hate me. Now I’m back to trying to feel nothing.
I’ve lived like this as long as I can remember and I feel so alone and lost while always doing everything I can to help others, and hoping for just small nice gestures back.
I always feared this. Im actually tearing up a little. Never knew this was a coping mechanism and i had been using it for like 20 years. From trying to please my dad and not let him get angry with me to being afraid of being alone in school and friends leaving me. Gave tons of yugioh cards away if someone asked. And tearing up because i thought i was always being nice cuz why not. But it really is just a messed up coping mechanism. Havent made a single decision that was my own and focused more on others happiness, out of fear. Psych2go thank you so much for helping to realize this. Everything was right on the money, and I think i have the root cause of all my problems. You have my eternal gratitude. Thank you again, keep up the great work, and take care and stay safe out there. Now to figure out how to get rid of this coping mechanism and actually live for myself
This is the best Psych2Go video I've seen so far. I'm 😔 I didn't address any of this sooner. My alcoholism caused many "post-traumatic" stresses coming from the original problems. My authoritarian upbringing caused what many others see as unnecessary submissiveness. 😱 of discipline caused much of the original trauma in my life.
I literally have every one of these signs. I was diagnosed with epilepsy when I was only 8 and suffered from it throughout my entire teenage life. Although I don’t have seizures anymore, I’d say they definitely shaped the way I am now
This video makes me cry. it's so hard to live life as an adult knowing that you're just faking it day in day out. Deep inside you feel broken, but you feel like you can't share those feeling with anymore because no one would understand it and people would reject you. You feel terrible but you don't want to call in sick for work because you fear that people will judge you and blame you for taking days off. You devote your life to please others because it's all you know. You simply cannot love yourself enough therefore your self worth depends on other people's appreciation of you.
Yes, I do relate to all of them, but the one about making decisions to other people. I've been trying to take more care of myself and listen to my own needs than putting people first and making everyone feel better while I feel like trash. I have a family with a mom and a dad and I don't know exactly why I feel like this, the need of being "too nice" to everyone, but I do know that I've always been the person who forget about myself and try to please others and I was like that towards my mom specially. Till I was 20, 21, I was simply not myself, I did everything to be a good daughter and to please my parents, and when I started to be myself and pay attention to my needs I was called a rebel, a bad daughter, ungrateful and all kinds of stuff... it's my right to have my own feelings and my own wants and needs, wanting to have my own personality, but I guess my parents were so used to me doing all they want and being a good daughter then when I started to move for myself they felt like I was being bad, and I all I was doing was wanting to go out with friends and be more independent! I just wanted to grow up and know who I was! What is wrong about that? My family is very religious as well and that had a maaaajor impact and made me feel more guilty than everything!!! I was raised to feel guilt and I still do to this day when I "leave people aside" for my own good. When I stand up for myself and I get angry and I scream, I know I'm reasonable in what I'm saying and I'm right to scream my lungs out and protect and respect myself, but theeeen the guilt comes again. But I'm happy cause I'm getting places and setting boundaries more and more. I do therapy and this has helped me a lot. If you read this, I hope you can stand up for yourself and listen to yourself and who you really are. If you're not harming anyone, it's okay to make your own choices and be yourself! Your needs are valuable! You are valuable! Let peope like you for who you are, let your colors shine and you'll attract people that really likes you for who you are, not what you do to them to make them feel better! Good luck! Love yourself! ❤
Mine developed because my dad had a short temper so I was always doing my best to not get him mad. It became a survival instinct that I have yet to get over. Anger in other people is a huge trigger for me whether it’s directed at me or just around me. It sends my anxiety into overdrive.
This is actually onenofnthe reasons why as a person with ADHD, I prefer to be left alone. I cant say no, always going above to help others, and always need validation. By keeping my distance I avoid all these rejections, and therefore avoid trauma. I was bullied a lot as a kid and it was never really addressed. So yeah the trauma is real and I hope with more awareness today, future kids wont become what I have become. Just my 2 cents. Thank you for the video! I feel very validated!
You don't have ADHD. That's probably another response to trauma that you associated with ADHD. I've watched a few of your videos and your focus is better than mine, even with all the "streamer-like" side-tracking you still were on point with the main subject. Wish you all the best of luck!
@@CristianNazare thank you! Well the shrink did say I was in the spectrum. I do tend to hyperfocus and obsess a lot hehehe. Hence why I make vidoes sometimes. But yeah guess there are still come childhood trauma that I have yet to address. In good time I hope. Cheers!
I just want to thank you so much for being here you're such an amazing person you help me so much with my mental health,growing as a person, working on myself ,and slowly finding my Identity. I have borderline personality disorder it's a very big struggle compared to my other mental disorders. Your videos help me with those as well along with finding self awareness.😊
Guess this is how i am. Ill go out of my way for anybody even on my worst days. But it seems i just get taken advantage of. I give my best to people only to receive their worst.
I think it's not always trauma but the people you grew up with. For example if your parents expect you to behave a certain way. I'm glad I'm not like that anymore, but I tend to always ask what others want before I say what I want because I don't want anyone to be upset afterwards. My sister is definitely like this and that's why I always ask. She never says what she actually wants and gets upset afterwards for being pushed over.
😶 Oh my gosh!! My brother was right!!! I think I Do have PTSD that created Trauma! 😮 Especially when you mentioned the first sign as not being seen! Although, I think for me I'd choose a different the word from "Seen" to "Heard". Also, validation from others. Making the wrong decisions. Or other past times when I would try one thing and have this work, but apply the same thing to something else and it would lead to getting a lecture about needing to ask first, instead of assuming. (Years of this happening since I was a kid.) Then recently, being told the phrase "Analysis to Paralysis", when I was thinking about getting a new phone (that I needed to replace), for months. I was trying to figure out the best phone to have since I know that I wanted it to last for as long as possible, with features that I could easily work with for my new phone. *Sigh* 🙄 (And my Dad wonders why I was debating on getting the right one for months. 🙄🤦😑 Guilty or self anger + Over apologize... Yep! 👍 Anyway, thanks for creating this video so I can be more aware about myself! 😊👍 I've been told that I tend to want to please people too much, but I've wondered why I do this. Thanks! 🤗❤️
I really appreciated this video. Brings a more sense of understanding. I always thought of myself as naive for being the way that I am and have been considering myself weak for it recently but I personally was diagnosed with ptsd and depression. This video makes me feel more validated and gives me a more comforting sense of understanding. I am aware of the factors stated in the video on the effects of ptsd and I do try to work through them daily. I’m really hard on myself about it…and It is a bit refreshing to know that it’s not me just feeling out of place and not being brave, but it’s me personally just trying to heal and get past through tough situations in the best way that I feel is safest because that’s all I want to feel is safe and at peace.. and healing takes time. Sending love to anyone else who related to this video. ❤ thank you for this. x
I suspect that in my case it’s because I was bounced between a mother who constantly told me that I was a failure, mentally deficient/mentally disabled/stupid, a burden, and should have been aborted, and an aunt who was severely physically abusive and constantly told me that I NEEDED NOTHING AND WANTED NOTHING and that everything good I ever did was an evil attempt at manipulation (whilst constantly falsely accusing me of everything evil under the sun). I simply don’t let anyone else get too close to me now because everyone besides my sweet husband has ended up hurting me. My husband fawns too, but we just lavish love upon each other and we are healing together ❤
Definitely had a fawning issue in the past and I probably default to it when not in a good place. Definitely gotten a lot more assertive over the last few years though, it feels good!
I’ve always enjoyed seeing other people be happy. Ever since I can remember I’ve just been a really considerate person. But the having trouble saying no, i definitely had that problem. I like to think I’ve worked on it, where I’m not too available for people I focus on meeting my needs but god making other people happy by doing some considerate. It’s gives my heart a sense of joy. But I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t accept being treated badly. When my dad is being emotionally abusive to me instead of apologizing or staying quiet like I used to. I stand up for myself, and sure it can feel awkward or just nerve-wracking but it also feels liberating knowing I believe in myself and won’t allow him or anyone to misconstrue my character not without saying anything
Could you maybe make a video about religion and how it affects us based on our beliefs? I always wondered how it affects individuals as a whole and if they are comfortable or uncomfortable about it. ❤
I was raised Christian and chose to continue in the faith as an adult. It's been my greatest asset in overcoming a heck of a lot of challenges in life, as was the case of my mother, who herself suffered a lot abuse and neglect as a child. Ofc I'm not blind to how it can be used as tool of abuse and a video about it here could be interesting.
Hi team Psych2go ❤ you are doing an exemplary job! Your videos and your content is helping thousands upon thousands of people. Thank you for being you and being here. I am grateful for you all and everyone here. It is such an amazing blessing. Keep creating more life changing content. Much love AJ
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Do you consider yourself a people pleaser? Do you think it comes from trauma? Share your thoughts.
!
Yes. To both.
yeah I used to get walked all over too often
I've something to ask
Yes
I just want people to reflect the kindness and care I put out into the world. No one should be alone with sadness.
My mom was a good parent, but often had two sides. It’s still challenging to befriend her because of her mean side. The mean side showed up a lot when I was growing up. Loud, angry, aggressive, loved to pick fights, bullying etc I felt like I had to keep her happy. When I tried to speak up, I was told that I was “being mean”.
It’s challenging to voice my own thoughts and opinions because I’m always afraid of making other people angry. I’m learning that I can’t control their reactions and I do have to right to speak up for myself. I’m not a doormat, or rather, I don’t want to be anymore. It’s not fair to me.
Had the same type of narcissistic parent
Little goals go a long way, sometimes saying no to things you dont want to do and ripping that bandaid off while keeping cool and not changing tune of voice to argumentative helps a ton, doing that more made me start valuing myself as a person so I started to voice more and more opinions as well as being aware of being drawn to said opinions made me all the more confident in them.
Change won't happen overnight, be the change you want to be but dont beat yourself up if you fail.
I'm having the same problem with my mom 😢😢
yes stand up for yourself ! speak out about your concerns really help 🫶🫶 I hope you know that you’re worthy and deserve to be love 🌸🤍☁️💗
Avoiding reacting to her behaviour, will help you not give her ability to manipulate you emotionally. Mental health is terribly poorly managed in society in general.
I'm having the same problem with mine right now. I'm sorry you have had to go through this too.
Timestamps
1). You don't feel "seen" 1:25
2). Your values become compromised 1:58
3). You feel responsible for other people's reactions 2:32
4). You're terrified of making decisions for others 3:08
5). You feel guilty about getting them angry 3:43
6). You over-apologize 4:15
7). You don't know how to say no 4:48
Hope this helps you out. Hope you have a nice day. 💙💙💙💙💙💙
Thanks once More
@@nicholasleipzig5448 not a problem happy to help
HOW TF DO I RELATE TO EACH ONE OF THESE 😭
You're a god sent 🙇
Thank you 😊
It's uh... It's genuinely unsettling how often I'm getting recommended vids like these that hit so close to home.
This is absolutely me, and I still can’t find my wake-up call after all these years. At the worst times, being « too nice » and overly adaptive becomes my whole personality and I feel like it’s taking over everything permanently the more time goes by. I also feel like people my age are over that phase for quite a while now when I’m still stuck in that mentality, it makes me feel extremely ashamed and lame tbh
I understand. I'm 35 and I'm still stuck with this survival mechanism active 24/7
I feel exactly like this
I 100% feel this. I would take on so many things trying to please others that I would burn out, and sometimes start to resent people. Of course I could never show this resentment, but it would slowly leak out into the rest of my life
I've felt like this my whole life 🙁
Start reversing that bad habit by rewiring the mind to:
¹everyone is already against you and wants to use you to only benefit them, leaving you stripped of worthily being treated with care or respect.
² You don't have time for people to selfishly use you.
This mind frame makes it easier to not care about hurting someone's feelings when discerning between whether a person has good intentions toward you or if the person already had bad intentions towards you. Always keep in mind that YOUR emotions applied in the right or wrong direction can be good or detrimental to YOU when someone thinks you won't stand up for yourself. Because a person with good intentions towards you will benefit and you will benefit. But someone with bad intentions towards you will leave you in semi-regret.
³Start setting boundaries within yourself as rules or laws that you won't go against, to enforce on yourself to protect yourself from those that will come against you to benefit their selfishness.
And pray to God for the necessary help to acquire the knowledge and wisdom to be able to deal with both people with good intentions and bad intentions toward you. So that your different experiences with people don't feel like they are withdrawing "valuable things about you" from you. And stop depositing or investing the valuable things about you in people without examining if it's profitable for you. On very few occasions it is o.k. to be charitable with your time, skill, attributes or contributions or whatever the matter.
Oh and sometimes you don't have to be verbally polite when protecting yourself. Just try to refrain from using profanity when setting your boundaries when dealing with people. Because some will push your buttons if they feel like they know you enough, provoking you to anger.
Hands up if you've apologised for apologising
🙌
multiple times...
oh yes.
Sorry but yeah that’s me lol
✋
I think it comes from the fear of being alone....and wanting to make other people happy
@deannal.newton9772 I have become too psychic that I'm no more willing to chase people because they only seek good looking people and especially those who always do what they expect to .
@Deanna L. Newton
Same here, that's the same reason I don't approach anyone I just don't want to bother or annoy anyone.
The fear of being alone might be true for some, but not for me. I love my solitude, but I'm forced to interact with other people to survive (i.e. going to a job with other people, keeping familial ties because it's expected, keeping social ties just in case I need help down the line, making 'friends' to help mitigate the "you must be lonely" talks). And because I have to interact, now I also have to over-exert myself to keep the peace. 😮💨
For some its a survival mechanism to control the behavior of those around them to avoid harm.
If I'm nice to this person, they have less reason to want to harm you.
And that’s how I got into my abusive relationships is because I wanted to make him happy
I recognize all of these traits in myself. It started over 50 years ago, and from mainly my father. I think I was born with many of those character traits, and my father was the one who fostered them in me. He treated me much differently than my other brothers and my sister. I was the oldest son, but as I found out when I turned 18, he was my stepfather, and everyone kept it from me, including my friends. My mother apparently told everyone but me. My three brothers where his biological sons. He even told me, when I was 15, that he wasn't going to treat his other kids the way he treated me. So all the verbal and physical abuse I suffered was all mine to have to deal with. It's haunted me for decades.
You're a good guy. You should write a book. Your story will have tremendous impact, by Order of the Peaky Blinders.
@@DerHammerSpricht Thank you. :) I have thought about writing it all down, just to try to make sense of it. I never thought about how my story could help others though. I suppose most people who have this kind of trauma suffer in silence, putting on a persona around other people. BTW, I have peaky Blinders on my watchlist. I'm going to give it a go!
That really sucks :( I hope your future life is heavily sprinkled with intermittent joy.
And I'm not fawning either, I'm often disagreeable as hell 😈 😊
But don't forget to be kind to the "young-you" who went through that... you owe yourself an extra heaping spoonful of self compassion on the regular. Best wishes.
Im so sorry u had to go through all that💔. My mom isn’t the best person either so I definitely get how u feel even though ur experience is a lil different from mine. I hope that things will get better for u very soon & that amazing things come ur way❤️🙏🏾
@@gabbysade6477 thank you for your kind words. Maybe someone else could have disregarded what their parent(s) put them through, someone with a different set of character traits they were born with. I was the type of kid that could have benefited from encouragement and support. I'm 57 and I'm only starting to realize that I'm okay, and that it's not me but my father who was at fault. I guess it's one of those "you had to be there" situations. No one can experience it the way I did. I have always been hyper-focused on hoping no one saw me the way my father did, but believing they did. Even when I was around friends I was suspicious that they were patronizing me. It's just so ridiculously irrational sounding!
I am finally at the point that it's okay if they don't like me, and that those that seem to, are probably genuine. But even if they aren't, I'm okay with it. Someone told me that 30 percent of people won't like you, 30 percent will, and 30 percent don't have a thought either way. I think that I'm past the halfway point of my life, and my priorities are shifting. I've let go of so many things I used to think were so important, like not liking my place in life, along with other things.
I have a tendency to drone on. lol.
Again thank you for reaching out to me. It means a lot. I also wish you all the best. God bless.
🙏
I relate to almost all of these.
I never knew about this trauma response and I finally feel like there’s an explanation to how I act.
The constant “you need to be honest about what you want” and “stand up for yourself” from my family always made me feel worse about it.
So thank you for making this video
It’s funny you say that because it’s like my family doesn’t really except me to appoint. But friends and coworkers always tell me Lisa stay who you are, we love you. It’s very confusing to me.
@@Chippy88 i’m sorry to hear about that and I know how that feels for the most part.
My family and most of my friends make me feel like there’s something extremely wrong with me when the topic gets brought up.
I only have one friend that truly understands and I’m very thankful for them.
I hope everything gets better for you and everyone that goes through this.
Have a wonderful day ❤
Yeah i relate. Everyone is telling me to do something about myself, to do it myself, to worry about myself.. myself myself myself..
Whenever something like this is brought up i feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me because I simply don't see any way i can be THAT myself. I am basically used to the me that doesn't know who i am. That's why i realized i need other's help. Because I've come to the point that it's easier for me to find my true self when someone points out things about myself, rather than just being myself automatically.
This video hit me like a tonne of bricks. I will never forget the day my old friend said to me, “you’re the best person to hang out with. You just say yes to everything.” And it did not feel like the compliment she meant it as.
I identified with every aspect of this video unfortunately. Understanding your own boundaries after a life of letting others distort them seems to always be a work in progress, but a well worth one. I now have friends who support my boundaries, accept the person I was before was purely for the benefit of others and allow me the grace to slowly realise my true self, moral codes and most importantly boundaries. I hope everyone who identified with this video too, feels the strength within themselves, to choose yourself and not manipulate your moral compass, even if it’s at the expense of losing people around you 🙏🏽
One of my old friends said something similar too once. He basically said: "You never say no, if I said hey let's jump off the bridge, you would jump."
Which, just like in your case, didn't feel like a compliment at all.
Nowadays I'd rather get rid of people than let myself get used.
Being a people pleaser can be a pain as you’re able to gain that trauma even more so, as your responding with toxic people is seen as kind :(
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Yes, this is me. I can forgive anyone else except me. I have these traits & am luckily in therapy which helps but it is a struggle not to fall into these patterns continuously.
I think i'm healing from the wounds being "too nice". Self-respect becomes a powerful tool when you have to overcome others' expectations when, in a way, you only offer what your life lacks. Big hug and support to all you people struggling from being too nice, be good to yourself :) eventually everything will fit on its place
"You only offer what your life lacks" Wow! That hits deeply and describes a huge part of me...
@@wimpieoeloe176 self respect fellow! Remember that the answers are always hidden deep inside your self. Be aware, take care, big hug
Even though I'm a stranger on the internet, im proud of you for managing to heal. I wish i could do the same. Any tips?
@@mayamcnally6635 hi! My advice always is to clean your relations diameter, there are things that you reach and the life always provides someone to give, in that sense, you have to aproach the same as you need. This becomes circular, everyone recieves and everyone becomes grateful. Remember that we ussually provide our lacks. As always, a big hug to yourself every morning to grow selflove and respect
I never knew fawning was a trauma response but it does make sense to me now.
Now I know why I acted the way I did, but I also had an aggresive side to me too after a while.
I would lash out whenever I was embarassed. I went from fawning to being mean and defensive. Still to this day I continue to learn more about myself. Thanks for the video.
Same
I feel violated.
In all seriousness, such a helpful video, I get told that I'm too nice all the time. It definitely comes from a fear of rejection and loneliness that stems from when I was younger and didn't really have much in the way of friends, got picked on a lot too. This has been an eye-opener and makes me want to show myself more self-respect, which luckily, a couple friends of mine remind me I should do too, but it's really hard because it feels like a huge part of my identity at this point, being the "nice guy" and all that jazz. I'm afraid of what I'd be left with if I decided to do something about this. Either way, I'm gonna pay more attention to it, for all you fawners out there, I wish you all the best and I hope that we can all find peace within ourselves
Hey man whatever you are going through im sure you can get through it (as a [probably] fawner myself i was questioning if i should type this comment but when i saw that noone left a reply i figured i would leave a reply here)
Nah, you're more than just a 'nice guy'. Just imagining all the other fawners out there, there's no way that all are the same. There's so much more to you than that.
And besides, it sounds like you have a lot of good friends. They care about you and want to 'be yourself' more. Most of them won't leave just because you stop fawning, and the ones that do... well, maybe they weren't really friends in the first place, then.
I feel you. Here was my first step towards some personal growth in this area, learn to say the simple “No.” It sounds simple but it is NOT. It was very hard to begin to pull back and not agree to EVERYTHING and EVERYONE who pulled at me for something. I began to realize that one of the reasons I was so “popular and beloved” at most institutions I was involved with was because I said “Yes!” to every request. Good for them, bad for me and my family. Practice, practice, practice the simple No. Q: Can you make 100 paper snails for our display by 10am tomorrow? A: Sorry, No. Walk out the door with keys in hand…. (Add the sorry until you are comfortable without it or always use it for propriety. NEVER be tempted to give a reason, NOT anyone’s business why. “No.” Is a complete sentence here.
I also had few friends, got picked on a lot, got abused at home; then finally found new 'friends' only to later realize most of them were using me for one reason or another while talking shit behind my back to anyone who would listen.
Now that I've found self respect it's a problem for everyone and they try to label it as immature entitlement because they can't manipulate me anymore.
You don't have to give a single shit what other people think or say, because at the end of the day someone will still see you as the enemy because most people need an adversary in their life.
As a point of reference, I used to be inpatient in a mental hospital as a suicidal teen. Now I've been in a mostly happy marriage for 8 years. Be yourself, regardless of what anyone has to say about it.
I recognised and changed my negative patterns a long time ago and looking back it does made me wonder how could I ever ask respect of others when I refuse to? After a while of changing my behaviour patterns I could enhance the adaptations. You just need to confront yourself about these issues.
This is the first time for me being shocked by watching a RUclips Video. It is like an Answer for THE Question in my Head. Thank you
Yes I definitely identify with these. My parents always taught me to be kind and polite which I am grateful for but I wish they had taught me how to set boundaries and it’s ok to say no . This is something I will definitely be teaching my child that not everyone has the same good heart and nature and people will take advantage of you
Yup same here totally
yup, I know it's a fine line and you don't want a kid to grow up spoiled but I really feel that parents who are obsessed with making their kids polite are just prioritising the feelings of others over their own children's future happiness by training them to be yes-men.
As a retired therapist and survivor of very stressful life events, this is a really good video.
I think we all experience trauma in life, whether it's relationship trauma or accident, health or crime victim trauma. So this vid gives you some good insight!
I’ve always been seen as the “mom-friend”, and this video helped me realized that I overcompensate for not wanting to be a “burden” (keep my head down, don’t ask too many questions, etc.), so I always try to be there for others.
A few weeks ago, I discovered that I need to feel needed, and that if I legitimately can’t do something, people will stop relying on me.
Not sure exactly when or how this started, but I have some digging & healing to do.
It's the same for me. I was called the "mom-friend" by my close friend group, and even by my chorus teacher in highschool cause I would help those around me. While it does feel nice to help others, the expectations I put on myself are almost always too much to realistically handle. Then I scold myself if I can't live up to them, or I come across as a "disappointment". It's hard.
you will be able to heal eventually, even though it may seem like it's taking a while, all these steps that you are taking in order to heal will come to light eventually. Even if it takes a day, one month, two months, six months, a year or 5 years, It will all fit into place and you will beign your healing journey.
God bless
I've lived a life of almost exclusive trauma, and at times outright torture and it's taken me over a year of therapy to even barely be on the cusp of realizing the true depths of horror I've been through and to see a path forward and this vid is exactly what I've been trying to explain to my therapist but not having the right words. I'll definitely be touching on this next session
Yep was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD when I was 2. I always felt like I was taught to put the needs of others before myself. I found it difficult saying no to people. I suppressed a lot of how I felt so I make others around me comfortable. This and being a frequent church attendee really turned me into a perfectionist. I over apologise for literally a lot of things, even for setting boundaries when I felt uncomfortable. I really didn’t have a good understanding of who I was and what my values truly were because I was always going thinking about what others thought and being afraid of being myself.
I'm so sorry you felt like that dude, when I was little I thought people looked so happy so they didn't have much problems, but almost everyone has their own baggage and you are so strong for moving forward . Your thoughts and emotions aren't always Right, If they nudge you in a state where you don't take care of yourself, you don't have to follow that. Life is too short
Same here, except I have Asperger's. Saying no is almost a myth to me. Getting mentally and emotionally abused seems normal (and at times I want abuse to punish myself). What really seems impossible for me is finding someone o love me. I don't think it'll ever happen. All I do is get embarrassed by others (or by me) when I try to have fun with others. I've been so conditioned into believing that I am pathetic if I don't please others in every way, that I started scolding myself for trying to be my own person.
I don't know if I can recover from this.
@@DeRez19 i believe that you can. You aren't all of your thoughts. So many people that i know believed that they will die alone, but have many friends now, even if they have ADHD or Bipolar disorder. U are worth it, you deserve to be loved JUST AS YOU ARE
@@m.l.7558 Thank you for the kind words. I really needed that.
Thank you for sharing. It makes me feel I'm not alone and I identify with 3-7 of the statements. In 2 weeks I'll find out if I'm in the autism spectrum or not in my next appointment, as I've been doing tests to get checked for it. I'm in my 30s though, but at least I'll find out more about myself.
This is me 💯 I'm 21 yrs now n trying to live for myself ❤️ More strength to people suffering out there 👍 Time heals all
After living like this for so long it's sad to think that my own people pleasing isn't truly being kind to others but instead trying to control their perception of me. The book you mentioned in the beginning is extremely useful for those of us suffering from cptsd. Finally going to therapy has also been helpful when it comes to my people pleasing. For those of you out there who struggle with this just know you can be kind to others while also being kind to yourself! Saying NO when you need to does not make you a mean person. Thank you Psych2Go for covering this!!!
Compensation = finding ways around things that are naturally difficult. Example: Forcing yourself to make eye contact with someone
Masking = hiding parts of your autism. Example = Not talking about something you are really interested in
Assimilation = trying to fit in with everyone else so people don't notice you are different. Example: Talking to a stranger in a shop even if you don't want to
(TherapyWorks- What it Means to be Neurodiversity Affirming)
I have a question for you but I won’t ask if you don’t respond because that would be a waste of time so if you do see this and choose to answer, then please respond.
@@Blackholex10 You're talking to Small Seed or me?
put monkey @ signs and person when talking to someone
@@ranc1977 sorry I meant @Small Seeds
Controlling someone's perception of you isn't a bad thing. It's what big stars do.
I've been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember. I had no identity in school and was severely bullied up until I was someone who could make people laugh or rely on so that's all I did. Relationships came and went as years went by and I applied the same thing to all of them, negated my own feelings and views for their own and ending up with really no identity of my own. After years and years of this it's just become somewhat numbing where I don't even think about it anymore and am no longer effected by just saying yes to everything and going along with whatever. I used to like helping people for just the feeling that I was being a help but nowadays I get anxious getting more than one message from anyone. I have become very unresponsive and a shell of what I used to be because I try to avoid conversations that I overly invest myself into and try not to give myself the chance to people please because its just draining at this point in my life to do, I just overworked myself as a free personal therapist. It's come to a point where I think it's way too late to do something about or even imagine a change without serious repercussions to my current life. I would be negating other peoples feelings all at once while I have been enabling them for all this time, it would be very out of left field and more than likely have a negative effect on my relationships with certain people. Therapy is also very expensive. Life rocks
This is how I've been feeling lately. Hope things look up for you!
With each video I watch here, I realize just how much damage my childhood trauma has done to me, even in my adult life. I never had an idea of just how much I need to resolve to live a better life. I'm forever grateful to you guys for shining light on a lot about our inner selves, I'll forever be grateful for what you do❤❤. Hopefully soon I'll be able to attend therapy and heal all these deep scars from my childhood.
Thank you so much Psych2Go, you guys are the best!❤❤
Glad to help :) how many of these signs did you relate to?
all of them 😩
We need to accept our "negative" feelings, rather than avoid or repress them. Suffering and sadness are natural and essential parts of life, and important-they lead to psychological growth.
ROLLO MAY (1909-1994)
DK THE PSYCHOLOGY BOOK
@@rjwolf8873 same
Just yesterday, my school had a semi-formal event and I went with a group of friends. I really needed it to enjoy myself after several months of hardship but I didn’t enjoy it like I thought. The moment we got there, my “friends” ditched me for the whole night and left me moping at a table by myself for three hours. I cannot express to you how awful and disgusting I felt. Don’t people please, guys. It doesn’t build relationships like you think it does.
This is literally me, and I'm pretty sure it's because of some trauma I had in primary school. It's nice to know that this is a 'real thing' and I'm not the only one going through it. I used to think I was just being weak but this video is making me see things differently. Thanks for making this video.
I've just started therapy, Everything in this video spoke to my life. I know where my trauma started and how it locked in for me. Thank you for this video.
There's a powerful note that echoes through every day. It is self-respect, setting a tone for how you treat yourself and how you expect others to treat you.
If you stuff away who you really are, you’re sending a message to subserviate your needs. If you prioritize self-care, that self-regard will echo through the choices. One area will touch the next, like notes cascading to create a beautiful melody.
Take a tiny step and let the symphony of your life begin.
How wonderfully put. You're right, self love and self respect are the foundation for one's true well being and hence need to be strong.
That’s a beautiful description.
Not easy if you were verbally and physically abused. Can't just wake up one day and decide 'im gonna have self respect today' 🤕
@@trish.goes.ironman That’s true it takes a lot of time (with proper therapy) to get through it.
@@LatinaChef1986 I agree and that takes time and dedication from both parties (you and your therapist) because fawning is an involuntary survival response cultivated from childhood. That's looking a loooooong way back on therapy sessions. EDMR might be needed.
Thank you for the amazing vid! Great insights.
In my case, I'm not "too nice", but rather "overprotective" or at least "concern a lot". All because of trauma. Now it feels like trauma can cause everything. I'm concerned (again). I never really push myself to fulfill other's expectation again, but I feel responsible to help those who need it.
For those who are reading this, I'm glad that you've made it this far. I respect you. Keep up your good work and intention! But now, don't forget that you're also a person who deserve your own attention.
Have a great day, everyone!
Definitely working on this. Setting boundaries and saying no has helped my self love & worth a lot. Stems from my childhood trauma I am sure. You matter.
Thanks for sharing!! Glad to hear that you're working on this! How many signs did you resonate with ?
@Psych2Go 3 out of 7...surely it was more before I started working on my self.
this made me realize how far I've come in fixing myselft without actually knowing what to fix or what exactly it was. Thank you for that honestly its been rough lately up there, but being able to somewhat put a finger on where it could come from is a massive help!
C-PTSD is something I've dealt with since I was a child but have never been able to fully have a handle on, I'm always appreciative of these videos on the subject as they help me further understand and compartmentalize these issues of mine, they help me feel like these issues are finally tangible to me.
I learned to be less nice as I got older, the world does not benefit someone who is kind-hearted they are only taken advantage of repeatedly. Often I find it is best to be callously-rational and only give kindness to the people that actually need it or prove they deserve it.
This happens to me. It really does I’m in middle school, and this actually happens to me.
I see. What do you plan to do next after this realization?
As someone pleaser and empathetic getting out of a "relationship" with a narcissist guy, I'm learning to love myself and all these videos are helping me so much! 💖
I say sorry a lot and people hate me for it, then I say sorry more and it's a huge circle.💀
THANK YOU FOR THESE VIDEOS! Has anyone ever told me that I'm too nice? Yes, many times, including myself. "Fawning" describes it well. I don't believe anyone ever truly respected me because of it. It's even led to some to take advantage of my Mr. Nice guy persona to attack me. I was always the one to help others, for approval. I had a friend that used me like that, and I let them. But I finally had enough, and one day I told that person I'm done. I walked out and never contacted them again, even whey they tried to contact me. It's bee three years, and it's been a huge burden that's been lifted. I'm finally starting to put myself first. I don't even care who does or doesn't like me. Maybe it's because I'm 56 now, approaching my latter years, so what I find important and what I prioritize has greatly shifted. I've let so much go in the name of helping others out. And yes, it caused me a lot of pain and I didn't even realize it. Since the pandemic shut everything down, I've realized how much time I was spending volunteering that time to other people and even an organization. I've spent the last 2.5 years just decompressing. I'm glad I was available to help people out, including the organization, but I want to spend what remaining time I have left for ME.
I Don't Think It's Just "Trauma" Which Causes The "Too Nice" Behaviour....But Never Hearing Any Sort Of Compliments Or Positive Things About Ones Self From Others... It Comes Out Of Serious Lack Of Self Esteem...😥
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Reading you like this makes me feel you're someone self aware about his difficulties,and that's pretty awesome today when most people rather blame others only. So you're doing good ! 😊😊
Yeah agreed! The reasons don't have to be necessarily trauma, but from life experiences that haven't been too kind
This is facts. But why is every word capitalised 😂
For some of us we were trained to fawn because saying no was not an option, your feelings had no value and boundaries werent allowed to exist. For some of us saying no does illicit an immediate backlash until we comply.
It's hard to say sometimes it's basic genuinity being a nice to everyone but sometimes it's the trauma showing through if one knows how to tell the difference. From personal experience it's hard not to value ones own feelings compared to anothers
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All indicators apply to me. I started crying halfway through because of how obvious this all has been to me and how i thought i am overthinking it, yet now realizing this I don’t know where to start and how to overcome it all. I guess starting from somewhere is something.
To anyone out there struggling, either with this or anything else, i feel for you and good luck, we got this.
You take complex emotional issues and simplify them to an understanble level. I can't tell you how grateful I and likely many others feel.
This makes sense. You have to put yourself aside to make the situation comfortable and neglect yourself. 😢
It works but you still aren’t being taken care of; and that happens longterm.
I’ve been helped by many perhaps have seen it in themselves and defended me. But, while I’m thankful, I must defend myself and have myself be seen via my boundaries or distance from those that don’t respect me or said boundaries.
I’ve found that I’m happier but also that my thoughts, opinions, and values are worthy and have substance, content, and worth & are worth cultivating.
This video made me cry I just want it all fixed
Oh well, I didn't even know this was a thing but it explains a lot. I get told a lot that I'm "too nice" and shoudn't say sorry after everything I do that might annoy or irritate someone which most of the time is just in my head. Thanks for making this video, it definitely helps me understand myself a little and why I am like this. : ^)
SORRY FOR THE RANT IN ADVANCE: I have always been told I'm "too nice". In fact, before someone told me about it, it had never occurred to me that I am "too nice". I always over-apoligise, and I feel as though everyone's wrong doings are because of me. I take the blame every time. I never truly thought about it that much until this video popped into my feed, and I realise that this could be me. I have a feeling that my PTSD might come from my past experiences with my family. I was always taught to not say no. Saying no meant disrespect and disappointment from your family. If I ever said no to my parents they would instantly yell at me and tell me that I wasn't allowed to say no. Then I asked them if I wasn't allowed to say no, then why give me a choice in the question? Why ask me if I wanted more if you're already going to force me to eat more? Then they would yell at me for talking back. This all still follows me today. I also find that it will follow my sister. We have a really big age gap, and I find that a lot of times when she gets in trouble is because she said no. How can we teach children this? I don't want my sister to end up like me but I don't know how to stop it either. I'm too scared to.
Same
"SORRY FOR THE RANT IN ADVANCE" 😂
It's great that you are learning this about yourself. Keep setting healthy boundaries, I promise that you can learn this. Please help your sister. Have one on one talks with her. Explain that what your parents are doing is not right. Explain how you have experienced the same things. Also say that it's perfectly fine to say NO outside of the home and that people should accept it. It's important to talk to little sis, because your parents might instill wrong lessons. For example like you said why do they ask a question if the answer is wrong and unacceptable? And they even shout at you. This might make you scared to make decisions on your own. Or you don't know how to make decisions, because your parents made them for you. Another wrong lesson: No holds no power. This is wrong. When she goes outside and meets people with wrong intentions she will not be able to say no to them. Because she learned that no holds no power or meaning. It's making her vulnerable. Be a big sis and protect her ❤ You might heal your inner child too when you talk to her. Good luck, wishing you two sisters all the best.
Stop being nice, start being an asshole. It'll balance itself out.
I don't have friends... noticed it in high school when no one asked me to go out or to bar with them... I just listened how fun they had had and felt like "Why wasn't I there too?" And I have never felt so lonely. Not even when I was bullied in middle school. But ofc my "friendship" was good enough when I was able to give others knowledge or something else...
For a lot of my life I’ve dealt with all these things and tried to fix them, but I’ve never had a word for it. It puts a lot of things in perspective. I do genuinely love making others smile, but for the longest time a lot of my friendships were just people pleasing. Now I’ve been learning how to separate what is healthy and unhealthy in terms of trying to make others smile and making myself happy.
I was married to a narcissist and we had 4 children. We all had one job and it was 24/7, keep mommy happy. Tell her what she wants to hear, or she'll make life hell for all of us. We became a family of fawns. Since then I learned to say NO and enjoy it. I would tell her the truth and that felt sooooo good, but she would be so offended and give me weeks of silent treatment. I just grew to the point that I just didn't care to please her any longer, because I finally figured out that it's impossible to keep her or anybody else happy.
I have related to this video in many ways. Truly, I am trying my hardest to grow from this. It leaves a pit in my stomach whenever I forget to practice not fawning. This video has reminded me that I can always ask for help in my life. That it’s ok to have struggles like this. It’s ok to not know what your doing, as long as you are able to adress it and find a way to relieve it. I will try to get professional help! Thanks!
7 Signs your not too nice it's your trama (Frawning)
This one was very different and helpful for me, thank you a lot for making it PSI i will try approving
Childhood trauma or psychiatric disorders can really mimic the symptoms of narcissism. One of the main reasons I am trying to heal is so I don't seem negative to every new person I meet. I've already head certain people say that they are unable to be around me and honestly I don't blame them but I sympathize for making them put up with it.
It is so relateable. I struggle with this for so long. For me it started at the age of 4 moving to a new place and the kids i lived next to were, now that i look back on it, pretty toxic. Even now. I was constantly surrounded by people berating me. My parents were great people. But for me my surrounding was what kind of made me this way. This video made me realize where this feeling comes from. Im so glad that this feeling can be explained.
I didn’t realize what fawning was and this makes so much sense to me, definitely have a hard time saying no, and definitely have trauma by over thinking, feeling guilty and saying sorry for everything.
I was told that I was responsible for others' feelings. Also, a man from a step program told me,"You cower from people." He never offered any suggestions on how to work on it. I left that 12 step program. Those programs seemed to me like steps on how to please people. I was also told to be vulnerable. Aarrg! I ALREADY felt vulnerable- like naked in public.
This is one of the most relatable videos to me. You hit the nail on the head, and it makes me feel better knowing someone can describe what it feels like for me.
Thank you so much for the video, I finally realized what I'm doing is from trauma. I'm gonna go get a therapist
I really can relate to this.. I’ve been going through a tough time lately due to the negative repercussions of putting my fear of other people’s reactions first.. instead of standing up for myself and for what I cared about.. I really compromised my values and it led me down a path that only bred mistrust and dishonesty because I would fawn for several individuals at the same time (all with competing interests).. it made me lose myself.. and I’m really trying to put myself on the path to finding myself again and being a better person for the ones I care about
My wife is truly kind. Thank you for your video. It gave me yet another reason to appreciate just what a great person she is
I am 62 & just started therapy after taking over FT care of my ailing elderly dad a few years ago. I’m adopted & suffice it to say I was extremely traumatized by this adoptive family in every manner. I separated myself from them at 17 & deluded myself as to what happened burying everything in the recess of forgotten memories. As an “adult” I followed the usual just surviving in life & repeated pattern of abusive relationships. Although I was the most severely abused & therefore the most affected I could not abandon my father to himself when he could no longer care for himself. This brought back so many memories & emotions I had buried & I forced myself to go to therapy because I would kill both him & I, semi-jesting. Anyway, what I’ve learned at this old age is to do what is best for YOU. Don’t compare, listen to yourself. People say you can only get past if you forgive the wrongdoer. The heck I say - I did not forgive. But I did accept that that person probably did the best they could in that situation but that in no way grants them forgiveness, only God can. Just learning to Accept facts & the past as just events that Happened to me not Because of me. Focus changes, learning, whatever, ONLY ON YOU. Whatever good energy you put into yourself goes out into the universe touches others & comes back to you recharged & it will automatically help you in whatever you need. And find a therapist that is similar in your beliefs. If you believe in aliens find someone who does also. Just words of encouragement put out here - it’s never too late to start your journey to freedom, happiness, self-discovery, love, everything!
i think of all the signs i can relate to the last sign...i do have a problem in saying no but now i'm working on it, but then at the same time i'll be missing out on so many things that anyone my age will go out of the way and do it. as a result of this, i have developed a sense of ‘selective’ social anxiety if that's a thing, where you can be either outwardly crazy or loner depending on your social setting...it's complicated to explain but it's there solid as a rock
This video has me questioning everything (in a good way).
Now, I view my younger self as wearing blank clothing, as if a canvas, for other's personalities and values to be painted on. I never gave myself space to be unique and am now, through therapy and self reflection, learning to set boundaries and be myself.
After watching this video, I realized the areas I am still lacking in not fawning, and I now know where my focus should be. Really, what I'm trying to say is that this video has helped me a lot, and I want to say thank you ❤
Geez. I can relate to everything listed on here. I feel like ive lost my own identity cause Ive always resorted to copying others' personalities since I know that might please them if I was like them.
Gosh this hit hard... I never thought of myself as being too nice cause I'm a bit of a kindhearted grump - at least now. Used to be a kid/teen that was stubborn as shit, would get angry if I felt mistreated and was just pretty concerned about being self-sufficient and independent. And then BOOM dad suddenly died when I was a teen. I remember it very well - seeing my family crumble under what was happening and taking on all the burdens like planning and speaking at the funeral at the tender age of 15. And it truly is almost like a curse because it's difficult to decide when you've done "enough" because people get far too comfortable letting you take the brunt of everything and every situation that comes after. But oh boy, the PTSD and fear of loss makes it very very difficult to put yourself first. It's been 10 years now, I've grown and learned, but especially with family members, it can be difficult to escape. Cause they can weaponize their experience with the shared trauma and then pull the card of "well it doesn't bother you as much", completely invalidating your experience.
Therapy and time helped but won't resolve ongoing issues that are not caused by you. If you are a fawner with family trauma, DON'T let them invalidate your trauma! You are strong and kind to give way and let them use you, but remember to be strong and kind for yourself! Love your family, but love yourself most!
I didn’t realize this was a trauma response… I just thought I did this because I’m the eldest and I hold more obligation than the rest of my family. Plus whenever I would fail to complete a single task at a specified time and day, or say “no” for my mental health, I was told that I wasn’t making my family proud. I realized that my being stretched too thin and my inability to say no is making me separate myself from certain people and family members, even ones that rarely ask me for anything. I have plans to move to a different country by myself in order to get away from this. Knowing now that it’s a trauma response is showing me that even if I do move, I might just attract other people who I would do the same with anyways. Wow this video helped more than I would ever have thought.
I’m a _massive_ fawn, I knew all of this beforehand but I relate to all of the signs covered in this video. It’s so draining sometimes.
I’m my parents’ go to child, because I’m always the one who gets stuff done, because I have so much difficulty saying no, and I want my mum to be happy, and I want my dad to not get mad. It’s frustrating sometimes, because I have two also adult brothers, but I feel like so much more is expected of me, and part of me feels like that’s my fault because I never say no, but also how can I say no? Both of those answers feel like typical fawning responses. 😅
I’ve always been a people pleaser, I still find it difficult to speak out against people, especially my family, when they say things I don’t agree with or that are blatantly untrue. The fact that some of them get so aggressive over it is part of why I just smile and nod, and scream on the inside.
I definitely feel very guilty when other people get upset, like I almost always feel it’s somehow my fault and that I have to fix things because of that, even if it’s not.
I’m so bad at making decisions for others because I’m so worried they won’t like what I pick, and then they’ll be upset, and that would be my fault. My girlfriend asked me what she should have for breakfast yesterday and she gave me 6 options to pick from for her and it was crippling.
Definitely feel angry at myself for how I’ve let myself be treated. I have been through two toxic, at times even emotionally abusive relationships because I just let my exes get away with things because I couldn’t stand up for myself, because I was scared that it would upset them, and I’d have days where I’d have to tell myself what they did to me weren’t actually bad (they were bad, they absolutely were bad.)
Oh boy, to say I over-apologise is an understatement. 😅
I absolutely take the blame for everything, because that way other people won’t get upset.
My girlfriend tells me so often that I’m too nice to her, which on one hand, no because I love her and I want her to be happy, and her being happy makes me happy. But on the other hand, both of us know that it is also partially my fawning response, even though she’s very compassionate and understanding of my issues I still do feel that fawning response with her just because it’s so ingrained in me. Also see above about being the go to child to my parents.
Screw abuse and trauma, they suck. 🙃
omg yes that was so precise
fawning is how i build relationships and the relationships are draining, inauthentic, unfulfilling i just end up dropping them at the end cuz i feel so invisible and used in them. After I get burnt out and stop being overly nice and giving I realize we had nothing in common from the beginning and I have no idea why i did so much for this person who only liked what I could do for them. If people really like you they dont want anything from you because who you are is enough
This is me 100%. I was wondering about this the night before this video was uploaded. I didn't think I was just being "too nice," I thought I was traumatized (add this to Asperger's and oh gosh). After studying and watching this video, I see now that I was right.
The problem is destroying the habit of being too nice for people. I feel like an absolute piece of trash almost every day, because I don't please everyone. I get mistreated quite often but then try to "justify" it subconsciously. I hate standing up for myself, especially when a woman is involved (seriously, what CAN I do? Everyone says the woman is always right). I am incredibly fearful of being scolded or rejected, because it always happened in public and it was always super embarrassing. I don't think many people like me as a result. Probably explains why I'm struggling to find love, too. I honestly don't even know if I'm a good person or not, anymore. I once thought I was improving from this, but I'm evidently getting worse...
'A man is as he thinketh in his heart'. One stranger to another, I'd put more faith in the understanding of yourself which you formed as a child, being that at that stage in your life, you were likely only less psychologically compromised.
We are all, always changing. Development is a lifelong journey. Work diligently and patiently on the areas of your life and personality that you recognise need work, be true to yourself and hold your head high, brother.
The best advice I have from my own journey through similar difficulties is to not underestimate the interplay that good posture has through time on your proclivity toward various mental states. Stand tall, ever onwards, ever upwards.
@@stevostevens5846 Thank you for the comment. I will try to learn more about myself... well, learn more about the good I bring. I seem to only see negatives, but maybe I am wrong to think I am nothing but darkness.
@Fallen Without the light, there can be no darkness. To recognise the capacity for true evil (willing perpetuation of unnecessary suffering) within you and to fall into despair is the natural way of things. It would be natural to condemn yourself for God only knows what you've done. Though hate cannot save your tortured mind. The only salvation in the darkness of the valley is love. You must remember who you are, recognise where your trespasses against your soul have occurred and forgive yourself, giving way for the knowledge it has earned you to empower your going forward and shining of light on the struggles of others who still face the trials you have conquered. In this you play the role of a good shepherd and earn the forgiveness of God (the divination of all).
The universe can only be to us as we construct it in our minds, and what we construct will either empower us or break us down. Learn all you can from you falling into sin and return to your strength wiser on the struggles of your 'enemy', that you might help them heal with the gentle, understanding and humble guidance of your hard won gnosis.
Without your darkness, perhaps you would be weak, and what value do you offer divine cause then. You may be weak now, but you do not yet understand your darkness. Trust in God distant friend, the good lord will never abandon you. a phrase that says nothing but means everything.
I feel immensely called out by this, and yet significantly better understanding my self and why I am the way I am. Thank you.
this channel has helped me immensely and whoever is reading this or other commenters may have seen my comments before. These vids have helped me grow over time and allow me to research myself and my behaviors. I am most definitely fawning for some reason or another and this video has given me enough insight into it to view the ramifications from an external perspective and positively work to better myself. tysm
People do not realise how much it takes to overcome the darkest phase in life.
If you have done it then I am really proud of You.
I think I've always been aware of this trait about me, but didn't have a name for it and it is also mixed with other kinds of trauma I think, so I can exhibit a few different responses to many situations but in some way or another all of them are some type of coping mechanism linked to a part of me that understands it's how I survived for a long time.
I don't think these traits serve me anymore, and haven't for a while. As I age, I systemically knock some of my habits away, breaking free and in some moments realizing that I am worth more than I have ever given myself credit for, and standing up for myself. Being better at setting boundaries. One day I decided I was grown and it was time to start undoing all this damage up here. This video confirmed many things for me and also taught me some new stuff as well. I still have work to do, but I'm healing very slowly, I think.
Yes yes yes! This is me! I'm still unlearning it. My ex friend used to start fights and blame me for things that I hadn't even realized I'd done or things that were out of my control, turning every tiny thing I said into an attack on her. So I trained myself to keep track of every word I said and to apologize for anything that has even the slightest chance of being mean
yikes. Way to feel being called out for being 'too nice'. Granted I do have a limit to it and never go full doormat but there are times I do catch myself doing it without ever thinking about it.
I used to be like this. Luckily ive changed for good. I still enjoy helping others and I enjoy being validated. But I do not need it.
I relate to all of these, my childhood trauma taught me that I have to feel happy for everyone, and that my emotions are secondary to everyone else. Then when I finally realized I should think of my own feelings and started to express what I really felt, almost all of my friends went back on their promise to “never leave me” and now hate me. Now I’m back to trying to feel nothing.
Keep going forward! One foot at a time
Why is everything you said happening to me? Except for the last part
@@l4zybo1 because people selfishly cling to the version of you that didn’t look after yourself above other
That sucks for you lol
But seriously, those guys, if they cant accept you, dont deal with their junk
I’ve lived like this as long as I can remember and I feel so alone and lost while always doing everything I can to help others, and hoping for just small nice gestures back.
I always feared this. Im actually tearing up a little. Never knew this was a coping mechanism and i had been using it for like 20 years. From trying to please my dad and not let him get angry with me to being afraid of being alone in school and friends leaving me. Gave tons of yugioh cards away if someone asked. And tearing up because i thought i was always being nice cuz why not. But it really is just a messed up coping mechanism. Havent made a single decision that was my own and focused more on others happiness, out of fear. Psych2go thank you so much for helping to realize this. Everything was right on the money, and I think i have the root cause of all my problems. You have my eternal gratitude. Thank you again, keep up the great work, and take care and stay safe out there.
Now to figure out how to get rid of this coping mechanism and actually live for myself
when u find out, lmk too because idek where to even begin 💪🏾
This is the best Psych2Go video I've seen so far. I'm 😔 I didn't address any of this sooner. My alcoholism caused many "post-traumatic" stresses coming from the original problems. My authoritarian upbringing caused what many others see as unnecessary submissiveness. 😱 of discipline caused much of the original trauma in my life.
I literally have every one of these signs. I was diagnosed with epilepsy when I was only 8 and suffered from it throughout my entire teenage life. Although I don’t have seizures anymore, I’d say they definitely shaped the way I am now
This video makes me cry.
it's so hard to live life as an adult knowing that you're just faking it day in day out.
Deep inside you feel broken, but you feel like you can't share those feeling with anymore because no one would understand it and people would reject you.
You feel terrible but you don't want to call in sick for work because you fear that people will judge you and blame you for taking days off.
You devote your life to please others because it's all you know.
You simply cannot love yourself enough therefore your self worth depends on other people's appreciation of you.
Yes, I do relate to all of them, but the one about making decisions to other people. I've been trying to take more care of myself and listen to my own needs than putting people first and making everyone feel better while I feel like trash. I have a family with a mom and a dad and I don't know exactly why I feel like this, the need of being "too nice" to everyone, but I do know that I've always been the person who forget about myself and try to please others and I was like that towards my mom specially. Till I was 20, 21, I was simply not myself, I did everything to be a good daughter and to please my parents, and when I started to be myself and pay attention to my needs I was called a rebel, a bad daughter, ungrateful and all kinds of stuff... it's my right to have my own feelings and my own wants and needs, wanting to have my own personality, but I guess my parents were so used to me doing all they want and being a good daughter then when I started to move for myself they felt like I was being bad, and I all I was doing was wanting to go out with friends and be more independent! I just wanted to grow up and know who I was! What is wrong about that? My family is very religious as well and that had a maaaajor impact and made me feel more guilty than everything!!! I was raised to feel guilt and I still do to this day when I "leave people aside" for my own good. When I stand up for myself and I get angry and I scream, I know I'm reasonable in what I'm saying and I'm right to scream my lungs out and protect and respect myself, but theeeen the guilt comes again. But I'm happy cause I'm getting places and setting boundaries more and more. I do therapy and this has helped me a lot. If you read this, I hope you can stand up for yourself and listen to yourself and who you really are. If you're not harming anyone, it's okay to make your own choices and be yourself! Your needs are valuable! You are valuable! Let peope like you for who you are, let your colors shine and you'll attract people that really likes you for who you are, not what you do to them to make them feel better! Good luck! Love yourself! ❤
I am happy to hear that!! Progress is progress ❤
Is it weird that I'd love to have a friend like this? Not to take advantage of them. I'd just like someone in my life who's supportive and nice.
Mine developed because my dad had a short temper so I was always doing my best to not get him mad. It became a survival instinct that I have yet to get over. Anger in other people is a huge trigger for me whether it’s directed at me or just around me. It sends my anxiety into overdrive.
This is actually onenofnthe reasons why as a person with ADHD, I prefer to be left alone. I cant say no, always going above to help others, and always need validation. By keeping my distance I avoid all these rejections, and therefore avoid trauma. I was bullied a lot as a kid and it was never really addressed. So yeah the trauma is real and I hope with more awareness today, future kids wont become what I have become. Just my 2 cents. Thank you for the video! I feel very validated!
You don't have ADHD. That's probably another response to trauma that you associated with ADHD. I've watched a few of your videos and your focus is better than mine, even with all the "streamer-like" side-tracking you still were on point with the main subject.
Wish you all the best of luck!
@@CristianNazare thank you! Well the shrink did say I was in the spectrum. I do tend to hyperfocus and obsess a lot hehehe. Hence why I make vidoes sometimes. But yeah guess there are still come childhood trauma that I have yet to address. In good time I hope. Cheers!
When a video describes you perfectly.
I just want to thank you so much for being here you're such an amazing person you help me so much with my mental health,growing as a person, working on myself ,and slowly finding my Identity. I have borderline personality disorder it's a very big struggle compared to my other mental disorders. Your videos help me with those as well along with finding self awareness.😊
Guess this is how i am. Ill go out of my way for anybody even on my worst days. But it seems i just get taken advantage of. I give my best to people only to receive their worst.
I think it's not always trauma but the people you grew up with. For example if your parents expect you to behave a certain way. I'm glad I'm not like that anymore, but I tend to always ask what others want before I say what I want because I don't want anyone to be upset afterwards. My sister is definitely like this and that's why I always ask. She never says what she actually wants and gets upset afterwards for being pushed over.
😶 Oh my gosh!! My brother was right!!!
I think I Do have PTSD that created Trauma! 😮
Especially when you mentioned the first sign as not being seen!
Although, I think for me I'd choose a different the word from "Seen" to "Heard".
Also, validation from others.
Making the wrong decisions.
Or other past times when I would try one thing and have this work, but apply the same thing to something else and it would lead to getting a lecture about needing to ask first, instead of assuming.
(Years of this happening since I was a kid.)
Then recently, being told the phrase "Analysis to Paralysis", when I was thinking about getting a new phone (that I needed to replace), for months. I was trying to figure out the best phone to have since I know that I wanted it to last for as long as possible, with features that I could easily work with for my new phone.
*Sigh* 🙄
(And my Dad wonders why I was debating on getting the right one for months. 🙄🤦😑
Guilty or self anger + Over apologize... Yep! 👍
Anyway, thanks for creating this video so I can be more aware about myself! 😊👍
I've been told that I tend to want to please people too much, but I've wondered why I do this.
Thanks! 🤗❤️
I really appreciated this video. Brings a more sense of understanding. I always thought of myself as naive for being the way that I am and have been considering myself weak for it recently but I personally was diagnosed with ptsd and depression. This video makes me feel more validated and gives me a more comforting sense of understanding. I am aware of the factors stated in the video on the effects of ptsd and I do try to work through them daily. I’m really hard on myself about it…and It is a bit refreshing to know that it’s not me just feeling out of place and not being brave, but it’s me personally just trying to heal and get past through tough situations in the best way that I feel is safest because that’s all I want to feel is safe and at peace.. and healing takes time. Sending love to anyone else who related to this video. ❤ thank you for this. x
I suspect that in my case it’s because I was bounced between a mother who constantly told me that I was a failure, mentally deficient/mentally disabled/stupid, a burden, and should have been aborted, and an aunt who was severely physically abusive and constantly told me that I NEEDED NOTHING AND WANTED NOTHING and that everything good I ever did was an evil attempt at manipulation (whilst constantly falsely accusing me of everything evil under the sun).
I simply don’t let anyone else get too close to me now because everyone besides my sweet husband has ended up hurting me. My husband fawns too, but we just lavish love upon each other and we are healing together ❤
Definitely had a fawning issue in the past and I probably default to it when not in a good place. Definitely gotten a lot more assertive over the last few years though, it feels good!
I love your videos and content and to be honest most of them are relatable but keep the work up I love watching them
I’ve always enjoyed seeing other people be happy. Ever since I can remember I’ve just been a really considerate person. But the having trouble saying no, i definitely had that problem. I like to think I’ve worked on it, where I’m not too available for people I focus on meeting my needs but god making other people happy by doing some considerate. It’s gives my heart a sense of joy. But I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t accept being treated badly. When my dad is being emotionally abusive to me instead of apologizing or staying quiet like I used to. I stand up for myself, and sure it can feel awkward or just nerve-wracking but it also feels liberating knowing I believe in myself and won’t allow him or anyone to misconstrue my character not without saying anything
Could you maybe make a video about religion and how it affects us based on our beliefs? I always wondered how it affects individuals as a whole and if they are comfortable or uncomfortable about it. ❤
That's interesting :) We will let the team know
@@Psych2go thank you! ❤️
This is a good topic. It makes fawners.
@@nancy6160 spot on
I was raised Christian and chose to continue in the faith as an adult. It's been my greatest asset in overcoming a heck of a lot of challenges in life, as was the case of my mother, who herself suffered a lot abuse and neglect as a child. Ofc I'm not blind to how it can be used as tool of abuse and a video about it here could be interesting.
Big YES to all points.... I hope I will heal one day! Thank you this was really interesting!
Hi team Psych2go ❤ you are doing an exemplary job! Your videos and your content is helping thousands upon thousands of people. Thank you for being you and being here. I am grateful for you all and everyone here. It is such an amazing blessing. Keep creating more life changing content. Much love AJ