Thank you. Before I "met" you, I knew nothing about : - it's not all my fault always - it's possible to have false guilt - boundaries - it's OK and take care for once self first - narcissism - codependency - it's possible and ok to love yourself - is OK to leave a conversation calmly - it's OK to do something without spouses permission - it's OK to make decisions without asking - NO is a complete sentence - it's not my fault when my wife weeps when I go jogging 2x a week 30min - Having the right to have and keep an opinion YOU HAVE SAVED MY LIFE!!!! THANK YOU 😘
Stephanie you put that across so, so well and above all else you are so obviously a true and proper Lady! That being in the old fashioned English sense of the word.
You absolutely can.. it’s a continuous practice. You start to reprogram yourself and introduce new things into your mind and world that allow you to grow and become healthier.
Great advise and it will take some time but I'm going to conquer the need to people please! I've done it for far too long. Thank you! And by the way has anyone ever told you you look Alyssa Milano? You could be her twin!
@@StephanieLynCoaching what to do if your parents controll u and they use your past mistakes over what u cant do mines wont let me get a job or they think all i do is complain and i dont even if i have a reason to i mean i have to have a life? Im way over 18 i cant call family members for help because some are messy and gossip and if i said or do something i will get yelled at constantly like im retared or something one time some one told me DO NOt COMPLAIN TO ME ABOUT A JOB!! Since i cant do what i told is there a way out of this situation
Maaann when I tell you I have the HARDEST time making decisions because I’m always thinking about how it will affect others and how it will affect me... smhh I gotta stop!!
Hi! Has anyone suggested that you read Melodie Beattie's "Codependent No More"? There's a chapter about the detachment from (what I think is) the thinking style you're talking about. It changed my life significantly. The very first time I put this detachment into practice, the Biggest weight lifted off me & stayed off for years. Recently I struggled with it again. I moved in with a bf, and I killed myself trying to cook and clean and keep everything else in order. After some time, I realized the codependency. I was able to step back and start rearranging my priorities in order to start taking care of Myself first again.
Hello kelia, unfortunately it's not that easy to stop pleasing other people, all of us are people pleasers who try our best to have the best self image to show the world out of fear of being judged and not being accepted by society. Maybe you get peer pressured from your friends or maybe you don't want to disappoint your parents and try to reach up to their expectations, or even trying to pleasing someone you like by doing what they tell you to do. Honestly all of us suffer from this, all of us don't want to seem weird, and try to fit in society's standards, and add political correctness into that! It will make us feel tired due to the constant run of faking a perfect image. Fortunately there's a way to deal with all of this and get rid of people pleasing for good. You see, we don't usually are aware of what makes us so attached to some people that it feels so hard to let them go so we do whatever we're told to do, even if we don't agree with it. For example maybe your friends want to go to the club, and you feel like going tonight, but just because of the fact that you want to please your friends you say YES INSTEAD OF SAYING NO. Now the short and easy solution I recommend doing is to get more friends, socialize and go out more so you would have some kind of ABUNDANCE that will allow you to have options and have some authority over yourself, however in the long run this solution doesn't work, since you'll get caught up on people's expectations again and it will fuck with your brains because as soon as you get that love from everyone you will IMMEDIATELY think about when all of this is going to end and HOW YOU are going to keep their approval. So what I do "recommend" doing is to start let go all of the SOCIAL CONDITIONING , CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS(or smaller scale hurts) and reconditioning your Brain to become awesome and live your life to the fullest, freely on your own terms. If you're interested in learning on how to do the above hit me up on my Instagram @theboringkaps I give free consultations (BUT ONLY FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE WHO WANT TO TAKE ACTION AND ACHIEVE THEIR GOALS, NO DABBLERS PLEASE). Peace ✌️
13:09 spot on! For me, here where it's all at. In a word it's EMOTOPHOBIA (not to be confused with Emetophobia). It's a fear of negative emotions, both in others, and the self. I have no idea why this word is mostly ignored. For me it's been the key to not only understanding people pleasing, but basically everything that I could never articulate about me emotionally.
My husband was surprised when I finally stopped being a pleaser...first he thought I was being mean and then he said I was selfish. It took him a couple months but now he’s happy with the new normal.
This is completely me, and I have always gotten taken advantage of and then been so hurt when that person would not be there if I ever needed help. I could not understand how you could give and give and that person didn’t even care, by being this away you just attract users, sponges.
My mom passed when I was 5 & my narcissist father remarried multiple times so I’ve suffered over a decade of depression, anxiety, ptsd, and not to mention lack of confidence and self respect. I’m now I’m my early 20s and loving myself more than ever as I create the life I’ve always wanted. Your videos help tremendously and I couldn’t have discovered your channel at a better time. You’re my honorary mom in my head lol stay beautiful
The other comment I wanted to make is that people pleasers are secretly angry and resentful and blame others. But what we really need to do is say no and take responsibility for ourselves and choices. I am working on this!
Most people are easy to face. It's the ones who I've allowed to mistreat, disrespect and take advantage of me that are difficult. I'm working on becoming a healthier person, and by doing so I'm gaining the strength to say no without regret or resentment. Thanks for all the insights you provide through your channel. I'll be putting the knowledge to good use.
Yep. That's me. I have lived my entire life being more concerned about everyone else's feelings, happiness, etc. Married to an alcoholic for 15 years, then with an alcoholic/narcissist for 12. I am FINALLY feeling OVER IT and ready to start taking care of me. Took 57 years. Still figuring out how to navigate, but your words are very helpful. I love your videos (I don't like most - so preachy or come of as know it all) as you are totally real and genuine and that's what make YOU great!. Thank you for what you do!
I have been a chronic people pleaser all my life. This has definitely come at the expense of myself. The good thing is I know where I learnt this behaviour from and your videos are helping heal and take better care of myself. Thank you.
I can completely relate to everything said in this video. The only point I would make is to add an additional comment that children can sometimes learn to people please their parents because to say no would mean punishment. I’m talking about children having to conform in order to survive a hostile family environment. The results are the same as described in this video - the child is conditioned to disconnect from their feelings and never learn to rely upon their feelings. They also struggle to develop a cohesive sense of self. These abused children are hard to spot because they are so well conditioned to people please they never skip school, always complete their homework, never misbehave in or out of school and so never come to the attention of anyone who might be able to help them. This is a really good video. I’ve saved it to come back to watch again. One of the most important points that I’m going to take away from this is to stop using the expression people pleaser, and use the expression Disease to Please. I think that when I identify myself as a people pleaser it’s harder to set boundaries because it feels like I’m attacking my core identity. But when I tell myself I’m suffering from a disease and I can self diagnose myself as having the Disease to Please, then setting boundaries feels more like a treatment or a cure for the disease. I can feel my confidence rising just saying this. Thank you for an amazing video.
Yup 100% I didn’t even know I was a people pleaser because I had done it for so long that I didn’t even have a second thought about not wanting to do it. There was zero desire to keep any time for money or material possessions for me. I’d been completely conditioned from a young age that I was there to make everything better, I had taught myself to take physical abuse and not cry and still get everything done. I attract abusers and pack up and move so they can’t find me. All I needed to do was start loving myself, learning everyday and practicing. We will get there!
Great video Stephanie. 👍 I’ve been people pleasing free for about a year now and I’ve experienced the great health benefits. Blood pressure is back to normal and I don’t feel like I’m running a marathon throughout the day.
I like to please people. It feels great to make somebody’s day. However now that I’ve gotten older i am more than aware when it’s not really benefitting anyone. That was a great example on shirt decision. You just have to be comfortable speaking up for yourself like you said it doesn’t even have to be mean either.
sohaib ahmed absolutely! You want to Be able to be assertive and self loving but also keep your energy intact and not let your emotions take over when someone does something that is hurtful.. Because what that person is doing has nothing to do with you. 💗
I think you hit the nail on the head, healthy interactions should benefit everyone - they should be win/win and consequent feelings of enjoying making each other's day are probably healthy then. Otherwise, boundaries should be set.
Spot on. I never say no, can't make decisions, and had an actual panic attack when I had to confront someone at a meeting. I'm afraid of being exposed. Being a Marine Corps veteran new people I meet give me a lot of respect. But they always end up disappointed and go away in the end when they slowly realize I'm a people pleaser with no self worth.
I’m a 65-year old woman, known to be quite self confident, and still the biggest people pleaser. Just recently I decided it needs to stop. And it feels GREAT! Somewhat mischievous, lol, as I’m fully aware of what im doing, and waiting for those people whom I have allowed to take advantage of me, to approach ME, rather than me constantly inviting them. Sooo liberating! Thank you!
Disease to please is such a good way to phrase it! I used to think that me being ‘nice’ was a positive trait, but my eyes have been opened. Personally I’ve made great strides but I was just confronted with this professionally as I STRUGGLED to ask for a raise. I realized I was avoiding confrontation, and not prioritizing my needs and desires, to benefit others. So glad I pushed through. It went very well!
I work on this by actively stopping myself from offering 'help'. Its not easy for me at all. The comfortable thing is the knee jerk response to offer everything i have to someone who needs it. They may not even want it and feel uncomfortable with me offering. I am ridiculous. But working on it.
Please stop saying u r ridiculous because the tongue is mightier and you r not ridiculous. I have learned to replace a bad thought with a good thought. lol
I used to do the same and now that i am healing and become more and more aware of these issues I have improved a great deal. I no longer ask people if they need help. I'm putting myself first.
I grew up on eggshells with a NPD single mother so I was conditioned to cater to her needs/moods. I was the peacekeeper, the diplomat. My opinions/feelings/needs were unmet and inconsequential. My feelings were ignored so I grew to ignore my own needs. To grit and bare it, suck it up buttercup! I didn’t get much praise, affection, love or attention. I got more criticism, shame, blame and guilt. I felt invisible, neglected, unloved, ignored & unwanted. I felt like a burden or a mistake. I do feel bad to disappoint someone I care about and struggle to put my needs first. I avoid conflict depending on the situation. I tend to alternate between confidence and assertiveness and feeling insecure and vulnerable. It’s been a lifelong learning to communicate with others.
I wish I had this video 20 years ago. The amounts of pain and anguish I could have avoided. I tick every checkbox on that list and o am married to someone who does emotionally abuse and manipulates me. A realization is one thing, figuring out how to fix it will be far more difficult.
I thought I heard her say let children have choices. To me that means asking little Suzy, do you want to wear the purple shirt of the pink shirt today.
I’ve been a target for Narcissists… Been the victim of gaslighting… Never took the time to understand, this was why. Then when my frustration rose to the boiling point, I exploded & then it was all my fault. It is my fault, because I allowed the abuse.
Wow! I didn't realise the basis of my indecisiveness, lack of assertion, inability to set boundaries and feeling disconnected with myself. I taught myself to say No when it is a clear "can I take your book?" I can't say no when someone would request "Can I go first? Can I take that project?" I have to respond appropriately to these now. 1- Give up own feelings/needs and get praise for it. (101%) 2- Need for validation 3- Completely avoid confrontation (can't stand up for myself-- abuse is common)
All my life I thought I was supposed to be a people pleaser. I was taught by my mother. I'm becoming more aware that being that way has thrown me off balance by feeling false guilt. It's going to take a long time to break away from this. One thing I've noticed is the more you do for people, the more they want. It's time for me to draw the line!
I also have people pleased my narcissist mother all my life which has affected every relationship in my life to my detriment. I have had chronic fatigue syndrome for 27 years it’s been a living hell automaticity pleasing everyone but myself, I totally understand at 59 years old I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I guess it’s better late than never, but my heart goes out to you as I have also lived your life. I wish you well in going forward in a positive healthier new life like I am also now trying to do . Bless you are everyone listening to this video.
You will wear yourself out pleasing everyone else and end up suffering yourself. You need to learn to say no & not feel bad about it. You are truly saving yourself & you owe yourself that much. It's never too late. I waited until retirement to start saying no.
I am one of the older generation (75) and I totally agree with what you are teaching. I am a Pastoral counselor and Christians are taught to ALWAYS turn the other cheek and that it is wrong to set boundaries etc. Thank you for teaching people pleasing in such a basic and understandable way. I have subscribed to your videos 👏👍
I’m a people pleaser. I’m finally starting to speak up, through your videos it’s really beginning to help. I hate confrontation but this relationship has forced me to reflect on my outlook of life.
And have you noticed that alot of people don't like it when we do speak up....but we need to especially when everything has to be done on their terms....
Can you please make a video of how to balance your assertiveness? I feel that because when i was a child people had no respect for my bounderies and i was a people pleaser, i went in to the other extreme where i put my boundaries a bit aggressivly and a bit too much aggressive now. Thanks a lot you are one of my biggest self awaerness teachers😍
That is so true! My husband is a covert narc & it sucks bc I find myself waiting for his approval (very minimal now, but we've been together 6 years & it started out that he would throw me bread crumbs & I would give him 2 loaves of bread) I remember we got married, then he tells me we should go take a trip to see his family. I said but, what about our honeymoon? What about us? Without any regard for this occasion I found myself in CT being paraded around by his family. We got zero time together. On the last night I told him tomorrow I wanted to leave early to spend the day together in New York. He agreed & swore up & down we would have time together. I made it clear that was important to me. The next morning him & his dad got back from the gym at 8 am, informing me to get ready for lunch, his dad was taking us out. Not one mention of "hey is that ok? I know we made plans last night & we don't have to go." Or "Dad me & Jesse made plans already, but thanks for offering." I screamed at him the entire drive to the restaurant in the rental car, I didn't say a word at lunch, (I was being super infantile, not one of my fine moments. But I couldn't day anything positive so I just didn't say anything) I was just pissed!! We got into New York at 10 pm, had to turn in the rental car so we were stuck in the hotel. It makes you feel crazy when someone over looks your feelings constantly. There was another occasion when my husband said he would start being more involved so I told him to plan something for his days off. When he had his first day off he what is meandering around the house, I finally ended up realizing that he hadn't planned anything so I grabbed a book and laid down on the couch. Not two minutes later he asked me what I wanted to do, I said I'm doing exactly what I want to do. He then proceeded to grab our child's hand and yell over his shoulder at me well if you're not going to come up with anything then I'll leave with our son. I said okay, have fun. I was so angry when he left but he didn't need to know that. I thought why am I going to sit here and do nothing fun? So I loaded up my kayak in my truck and drove an hour to the lake. I'm directly in the middle of the lake riding the wake of a speedboat when I hear my phone go off in the dry compartment. Once the waves weren't as bad I phoned him. He said "I got a babysitter for tonight are you almost home?" I said "last i heard you had gone out. I'm actually out at the lake right now and won't be back until dark." He acted all disappointed, but I felt so in control finally that day. I was not going to stop my fun just because he decided what he wanted to do. I was paddling through a canyon, & could hear fish jumping, but it was getting dark! I could see all the stars floating out there & I realized I was going to enjoy my life even if he tried to ruin it. I could've stayed home & cried, but I did something for me & didn't change my plans for him. When I arrived home at 10 p.m. I began washing up in the spare bathroom, brushing teeth etc. He came into the bathroom asking where I was. "I was kaying." He said, "until 10 pm?" "Yep." He knows the lake is an hour away, I wasn't going to explain anything. How was it? It was so fun, I had a wonderful time. He seemed so irritated. He said "I'm going to bed." Now normally I'd say no, we need to talk. But I said, "ok night." He hesitated, then walked away almost as if looking for a sign I was sad he wouldn't talk. That was by far the most liberating experience, & ever since then I've been so much more in control of ME. I don't base my emotions off of his, when he's upset that's him, not me.
Stephanie Lyn Coaching - the work you're doing helps so many people Stephanie, thanks to people like you more people are waking up to see the manipulations, gaslighting, steamrolling, stonewalling, blame, shame, love bombing, & victim mentality!! Keep doing what you're doing!!! I wish I had this info years ago, but regardless knowledge is power!
Jesse James , I don't know u ,but sounds like you have it together , I enjoyed reading your story, I am not married but I can sure learn from your story , thanks for sharing ,if you had not shared your story then I would have not learned that I can take your story and learn from it ,thank you
Jesse James OKAY, CONTINUE, THE TWO OF YOU, BEHAVING AS THOUGH Y'ALL ONE UPING ON EACH OTHER. BOTH WANT CONTROL, IT SEEMS, WHEN PEOPLE REALLY APPRECIATE, RESPECT AND VALUE EACH OTHER. NONSENSE, IS NOT APART OF THE EQUATION. UNLESS, BOTH ARE PLAYING SOME KIND OF GAME. Y'ALL WILL BE RUNNING OUT OF TIME, DON'T BELIEVE THE CHILD DOESN'T FEEL AND SENSE, THIS BS. THE REAL SO CALLED LOVE AND TOGETHERNESS, THE BOTH OF YOU HAVE GOING ON. STOP IT!!! LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE, AND GROWING OLD TOGETHER, OR MAYBE Y'ALL KNOW THAT'S NOT THE PLAN. REALLY CHECK SELFS
14:00 yes I've avoided confirontation and fights because of my bringin up childhood memories and when I I standed up for myseelf my parents literally emotionall tortured me at point or at least afterwards...
I was thinking about this today I’ve done so much for other people in my life and where did it get me no where . So now it’s time I put my life first .
😭 for years I never knew why I was a people pleaser or why I have never been able to make decisions and I always asked everyone my friends my family for opinions and listening to what I was told. I'm 28 now and Stephanie thank you so much for this it really sheds light to many of us who have struggled with such issues. How are you just so perfect in explaining this? And yes I have always been taken advantage of. I even attracts a narcissist for a husband and I left him after two months of marriage. Thank you so so so much.
So true ..I had a habit of feeling really bad to pull away from people I felt uncomfortable with ,because a lot of people will turn it around and make it your problem ..trouble is there are a lot of stressed and unstable people around ...I feel like a coward if I don't make my own decisions , Also these days of spiritual growth ..I do try and do the decent thing ..such a lot for all of us to learn .Thanks Love your video's .
Thanks!!!! This is so true - I have seen in life people Will use you if you let them!!!! I have always been the type to give more than I get -which is good according to th bible and I have been blessed = but there gets to a point you have to put your foot down!!!
Wow! So much of this is so much like myself I hate conflict in case I just have to... I have difficulty saying No! I always like to see people happy other than myself sometimes!!! I think I’m in a relationship with a narcissist right Now!!! and do know how to exit because I don’t want to hurt her feelings....,
Stephanie, could you make a video about the disease called "I'm too nice" and how to overcome it? I've struggled with this for too long. I've been listening to all your Codependency-related videos, learning to say no, people pleasing, and the list goes on. Many thanks for putting so much useful material out to learn from. Is having what I call a "I'm too nice syndrome" similar to people pleasing? It must be related. My niceness has been abused my whole life and I'm determined to overcome it. Thanks!!!
Wow where have you been all my life. I've watched countless videos on this topic and no one had explained it as well as you did. Thank you! This video helped me a lot.
All I ever wanted to do was play music in a band. I can remember the times I was allowed to in vivid detail because it was maybe three times. I played bass by myself everyday in my room everyday. Playing bass by yourself is the lamest most unfulfilling thing you can do
Thank you so much ! I felt so relate to this vídeo . Im getting healthier, but its a day by day work to validate myself and think what i want and what I NEED !💪🏼
I basically people pleased myself to homelessness I’m so discouraged I overcame sexual physical abuse addiction been sober 5 years it’s taken me twenty years to obtain 5 consecutive years of sobriety. Just tired scared and feel I’ll never get better
When I ask someone for their opinion I usually have a good idea of what I want to do. I am just asking for a second opinion, another way of looking at things. Problem is people get mad if you do not take their opinion over yours. My goal is to make the best decision I can not to abandon my opinion but to get another prospective. You need to learn who to ask on certain topics.
To Lyn, thank you for your videos, they really help me. I'm learning and realising to only surround myself with positive ppl who uplift me and say positive things. I keep away from those who are negative. This year and last have been a real eye opener for me.
I always know inherently what is good for me but since having kids it has gotten much worse. I do things because of them. Things I do not want to do. How do you marry the responsibility you have for your kids and your own needs. I see absolutely no one talking about codependency and parenthood.
I never thought of myself as a people pleaser because I always thought it was those women that love hosting parties and doing everything for everyone else. I'm not that social so I couldnt relate until this week when I realised several new 'friends' I'd made were women who didn't actually seem to like or respect me but wanted to use me as free emotional support and boast to so they could feel better about themselves. These false friendships made me feel awful and were painful. I looked into how they'd evolved and realised I'd really wanted them to like me and be friends as I was lonely and flattered they wanted my friendship ie I put them on a pedestal then tried to 'be a good friend' which I'm now realising is code pendent people pleasing behaviour. I've not replied to one of them because I can't bare to listen to her whining about petty problems and I def feel a bit nervous and guilty not replying but it's also kind of exhilarating standing firm and putting myself first. It's been really useful realising I had this people pleasing tendency, it's also other piece in the puzzle.
I’m very off topic can you please share your skin routine , your face is always glowing . Not only are you beautiful from the inside but also the outside ❤️❤️
Going through a divorce and it has been very painful. Your videos have helped me to evaluate myself and decide what I need to learn from this experience.
I felt ..... You are speaking about ME ... Am every bit that complete LIST ... Lately recognising it and trying to make changes.... Actually ...I ... don't HV a voice ...and I need to find my voice . Wish me luck.... Really appreciate you making these videos ..it helps many like me ... understanding better.. Am on a new path that I haven't walked on until now ...I want to have a good happy walk ... God bless ...
Excellent and wise. Especially the initial perspective on "old school" parents and fear of confrontation. It has taken me years to learn I was a "people pleaser" but one of the best parts of growing older is that we naturally begin to question that programmed response. I am learning to set boundaries, to say "No" when necessary, and to trust myself more. It has been painful, especially in the romantic relationship department but I am a work in progress, and this is a core issue with me. I have sought professional counseling at least 3 times in my life, but none of the mental health therapists nailed it like you did in 18 minutes. Wherever "there" is, I am getting there..., thanks so much! My next relationship will be much healthier as a result I'm sure. One post-script: would love to hear you say something about the connection between chronic people pleasing, hiding one's inner anger at being that way, and substance use/abuse. I have always hated the taste of alcohol but binge-drinking on weekends sure numbed me to my inner rage. I can see now that by the end of a week of being a major people pleaser in my life and work I was secretly furious at life and people. I am better now and getting better. Not afraid of confronting others when necessary now, setting boundaries, nor saying bye bye to toxic people in my life. And Mr. Smirnoff no longer is my weekend chum. Keep up the good work.
I'm 34yrs old and just starting to really recognise that i'm a bit of a people pleaser especially when it's my family and friends. Now I've reached the point where i've been so generous and forgiving of toxic ppl in my life that they're now used to expecting me to let their bad behaviour slide. I'm done! It's costing me way too much stress and strain it's time to change and think about ME. No one else is!
Man, you have probably heard this before. But where were you in my early 20s. Better late than never. I turn your channel over to my younger acquaintances. This is life changing stuff. Look at Johnny Depp and Amber heard trial. That’s a nightmare that nobody wants. Except a narcissist.
Eye opener. Seems quite basic but i never thought of it. I am the youngest of 3. I was the baby so it's not that I was not attended to but no, no one asked how I felt about anything. I was always led to whatever needed to be done. Today I usually say: " whatever you like" , sure "I'm ok", "I'm not picky" I don't really have an opinion . 100% guilty if i say no. I feel terrible about upsetting anyone. Also, culturally (old school latin) you could not ask why about anything because it is seen as disrespectful. How dare you question anyone older. ..
Loved this thank you so much. I was raised by my dad who is a retired 101st airborne sergent and alcoholic. Im the oldest and yes i fully recognize now my start of people pleasing. I have relapsed in my co dependency and tools i had to love me etc. Im back in the program and in a women's support group. Again thank you so much for your viedos so much help. God Bless you
I'm really struggling with this one, I'm in a position that I'm exhausted to be staying at home after I left my ex husband. And I'm planning to rent a house with my kids but I was still thinking about my mom. My 13 years old ask me a question which triggered my mind. She ask me do I think my mom thinks about me ?????? And the honest answer Is NO. She ask me so why are u thinking about her feelings more than yours🥵i felt like I can screaming because she was telling the truth.
I've never asked people if I'm making the right decision. I do what feels natural for me and if anyone asks why'd I do that for I did it because it actually was right for me. Someone could give you advice on what to do but who's to say that advice is best for you? One time my mom said this was after we'd had carpet laid down, this was in mine and my husbands house and she was telling us how to handle the situation because something had gone wrong and do you know what she said to me "If you go on the phone unsure of yourself they can fob you off, you have to be like, now this was supposed to come with this, this and this..." And I thought about it but that didn't come right or natural for me obviously it came natural to her and was a eye opener for me to hear what she would do but I'd go at that differently. Say, if I did do that and they came back me with that much aggression I'd crumble. I wouldn't be able to handle myself so when people give you advice it's what works for them. What I would do is, if I couldn't sort it with the person I'd go over their heads and put a complaint into management and they can make it right with their employees. I don't go tow to tow with people. I've never been comfortable with anyone making choices for me so I loved it when I reached 16, and then 18, and then 21 because I was reaching legal age where I could make my choices because it is my life - a lot of people might not agree with how I live my life but I think the whole point of it is to enjoy it. My mom and dad have never approved of my choices, it hurts but after awhile I don't really care. It's just because they'd do things differently. However I did look to mom for a whole portion of my life for validation that I was making her proud but I was making myself miserable but if I was living life the way I want, rather than in the ways she does I was never going to get that approval and I had to mourn that, she thinks highly of my sister because their life styles and choices are similar and so when they harp on at me I try and shut down because they are judging me in my life for my decisions I make, and the reason why mom gets so mad is because she feels I should come to her and ask her opinion, that's what my sister does but I don't. Mom says to me other children come to their Mom's and ask for advice, I always went to my Mom (but she's highly controlling, and advice turns into a lecture and I get unsolicited advice anyway and by not going to her although I may make bad choices but at least I learn from them.) Thing is, my mom and I've heard this from her mom how she's frightened of me making a bad decision so all the decisions have to be evaluated, and thought through before we make one. To some extent I do agree with it but she can't make a decision, I know what I want ad go for it whether it's which tiles to have in my bathroom or which wedding dress was perfect for me
Most parents don't teach this stuff to kids.. it's sad part. Parents get busy with jobs and more and more kids grow codependent or narcs... Parents even don't know kids need to teach this. Even I didn't know anything about toxic people untill I traveled to usa and I heard such term. I started self research on psychology.
Usually, if there was a conflict with family or friends. I would get up and walk away. 😢 I try not to do that now. You're right in few relationships I've had narcissists. My last friend a fell in love with used me for my money 💰 and they knew how I felt. Turned it around later a and said it's all in my head. So now I've gotten the strength to block an delete them.
After years of wanting to be liked, accepted by people and wanting to fit in with everyone; which made me insecure, unconfident, tearful, scared to say no to others, fearful of people and keeping away. Until recently having health issues with my body and having a mini bout of depression and then having family members who I looked up to growing up, tell me that I will amount to nothing and then this year ending up in A and E. I just thought fu@# it and f*&k everyone else this is my life enough is enough and I'm going to live my best life and do more positive things for me and be me. People only like you when they are walking all over you and when you say yes to them, the minute you say no Ur a bad person, I had that experience at work, the moment I said no to people I became a bitch in there eyes but for me it was liberating to say "no". Having health issues and the recent pandemic, losing 2 good ppl because of it has opened up my eyes alot to living my life the way I want to. The word "no" is my best friend.
I feel that my older sister is a narcissist because she doesn’t know when to take no for an answer. Like if she wanted me to do something. And I say no. She tells me that I’m doing the bare minimum and I was shocked because I questioned myself then , I felt bad about not helping her ,but then I questioned myself again because why should I do this for her if she isn’t helping ,but wants to go out and have fun. She was yelling at me in that moment, telling me to never ask her for things and that I do the bare minimum. That I should get the fuck out of her house. Telling me to shut up. In my head I’m like this doesn’t make sense. What am I doing wrong. So I’m starting to come to the sense of not doing those certain things for her, bc she loves to make excuses.And she uses diversionary tactics to basically talk bad about me & about what I’ve done. But if I don’t do it for her, she tells me that I’m making excuses. She’s not the type of person to apologize. And the reason for this being is because I live in her apartment. So I understand why. I do clean, cook and everything but she lies to people and tells them that I don’t do those things. I’m glad I’m self aware of what’s been happening to me. She also keeps putting her living habits onto me which I don’t like. Yes I don’t clean as much as her but it’s not ok to keep telling me in my face that I don’t clean and etc. Shes said a lot of stuff to me in the past and now I’m just hurt. That’s why I do these things for her. I’m glad I came across this video because yesterday morning I ended up doing something for her because it was out of pure generosity. And I’m not petty like her. But one of my sisters were telling me that I shouldn’t be doing her favors and I know I shouldn’t but it’s so hard. I grew up in a family that didn’t allow me to make my own decisions. Me not being aware of my feelings and them telling me that I’m sensitive, or I’m being dramatic. So me having suicidal thoughts is dramatic? But I still go back to her. Why? Because I don’t want to be homeless. So I just try to deal with everything and doing favors for her.
I can say no if I really don't want to do something now because I've told myself, I'm never going to be good enough in the eyes of my mother, she's set the standards way too high, I'm not going to meet them. I'm done trying. My Mom's not proud of me like she once was. I make mistakes, I've done things, I screw up but I know I'm good enough. I'm happy on my own but I enjoy spending time with the friends I do have, the friends I can trust and who are there for me. The only time I'd ever people please is if I was in awe of somebody and I really wanted them to like me and I'd a feeling that they wouldn't approve of me for being me then there's the danger I might abandon myself to be something to this person and I'd be happy to do whatever they wanted and in my mind put them on a pedistool. I remember I told this person who was like a friend to me how amazing she was and she responded with "no I'm not, I make mistakes, I eat junk food" and after everything she put down about herself I still put down she was amazing because of that, because of how honest she was, how authentic she was because she wasn't putting on a facade that said look at me I'm amazing. There is perfection in the unperfection not a lot of people realise this. Also, which I need to try reminding myself being a people pleaser isn't a good look or feel because it sends of needy energy and unless someone is abusive no-one really wants that, they might like that they can have their way with you at times so I need to remind myself of that. The more real a person is, the person that says yes I have a temper, and admit their flaws is perfect to me and I tell myself every day, this is the sort of path, the sort of destiny I'm going to take. Trying to be perfect is too much work, you put too much pressure in yourself, you feel close to a nervous break down, you feel nothing you do is good enough and I don't need that stress.
My family's view .... "Do as I say and not what I do!" Even, when I got up the nerve to stand up to it, after I got counseling help, they would say everything we do for you, and this is how you treat us? I do have a new life in another state and continue to work on my problems while watching videos like this, however, I still dream about past trauma and still attract people who have similar behavior patterns like my family's and yes, I have a hard time making decisions at times and feel guilty a lot of the time when I try to stand up for my needs.
Thanks for the video. The difficulty I have is that I have had this disease to please for so long, I struggle to know who I am or what I want! I used so much of my time bending my personality to please others it has become my default position. Now that I have finally found the courage to leave my Narcissistic wife after 26 years I am slowly forcing my self to understand who I am and what I want. But it is very hard.
I am very good at making decisions usually! I select something and go! and i have some PP tendencies still, yet I'm workin on it! it is about boundaries and standards...
Now I see why people think I have a problem when I ask them basic questions about what they want/need or how they feel and their opinions. When its just them growing up in a society which doesn't give and never gave them choices. I love how I have evolved. I will never stop aaking even if they think I am dumb for asking.
I grew up with my grandparents and they lived a very old strict fashion of life. You had to believe the Catholic faith (to me that's brain washing), you did the woman's work and you never ever complained about anything. I struggled with depression so bad I tried to commit sucide, again you dealt with it, it's a sin to get help. So basically you were a slave to the husband and faith, so yes people pleasing was on of them. As I am older I have realized that people pleasing gets you no where in life. People will walk all over and get you fired from your job. I am finally getting therapy to deal with a lot of shit and this is one of the issues I'm working on. Thank you so much for your helpful videos.
Laura Gadille I’m so sorry that you have had to go through those experiences… But I am really thankful that you’re getting help and understanding all of these abusive tactics and then I had nothing to do with you! All the best!
I must say, that I absolutely love your channel and the kinds of topics you cover! You’ve taught me so much and quite frankly, it’s helping me become more confident! So thank you!!
Thank you. Before I "met" you, I knew nothing about :
- it's not all my fault always
- it's possible to have false guilt
- boundaries
- it's OK and take care for once self first
- narcissism
- codependency
- it's possible and ok to love yourself
- is OK to leave a conversation calmly
- it's OK to do something without spouses permission
- it's OK to make decisions without asking
- NO is a complete sentence
- it's not my fault when my wife weeps when I go jogging 2x a week 30min
- Having the right to have and keep an opinion
YOU HAVE SAVED MY LIFE!!!!
THANK YOU 😘
As a married man with similar issues. I recommend the book "not nice". It opened my mind to how much my vulnerabilities were being exploited
Perhaps also "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover.
F me 😳 Wow that's hugely thought provoking. It's okay mate 😌 you're Okay and free to do whatever you want x
Stephanie you put that across so, so well and above all else you are so obviously a true and proper Lady! That being in the old fashioned English sense of the word.
I just love how confident and self-loving you are, it gives me hope that I can change too 🙏🏼💫✨
You absolutely can.. it’s a continuous practice. You start to reprogram yourself and introduce new things into your mind and world that allow you to grow and become healthier.
People will try to take advantage of your kind heartedness and generosity if you don’t tune into your own needs and learn to say “no”. Great video.
Ann absolutely! Thank you!
I’ve heard someone say, that if you are always saying yes. Your yes does not have value.
Great advise and it will take some time but I'm going to conquer the need to people please! I've done it for far too long. Thank you! And by the way has anyone ever told you you look Alyssa Milano? You could be her twin!
@@StephanieLynCoaching 6
@@StephanieLynCoaching what to do if your parents controll u and they use your past mistakes over what u cant do mines wont let me get a job or they think all i do is complain and i dont even if i have a reason to i mean i have to have a life? Im way over 18 i cant call family members for help because some are messy and gossip and if i said or do something i will get yelled at constantly like im retared or something one time some one told me DO NOt COMPLAIN TO ME ABOUT A JOB!! Since i cant do what i told is there a way out of this situation
Maaann when I tell you I have the HARDEST time making decisions because I’m always thinking about how it will affect others and how it will affect me... smhh I gotta stop!!
JAYDEN ALONSO of course it does I have it lol
Hi! Has anyone suggested that you read Melodie Beattie's "Codependent No More"? There's a chapter about the detachment from (what I think is) the thinking style you're talking about. It changed my life significantly. The very first time I put this detachment into practice, the Biggest weight lifted off me & stayed off for years. Recently I struggled with it again. I moved in with a bf, and I killed myself trying to cook and clean and keep everything else in order. After some time, I realized the codependency. I was able to step back and start rearranging my priorities in order to start taking care of Myself first again.
I understand!
Hello kelia, unfortunately it's not that easy to stop pleasing other people, all of us are people pleasers who try our best to have the best self image to show the world out of fear of being judged and not being accepted by society.
Maybe you get peer pressured from your friends or maybe you don't want to disappoint your parents and try to reach up to their expectations, or even trying to pleasing someone you like by doing what they tell you to do.
Honestly all of us suffer from this, all of us don't want to seem weird, and try to fit in society's standards, and add political correctness into that!
It will make us feel tired due to the constant run of faking a perfect image.
Fortunately there's a way to deal with all of this and get rid of people pleasing for good.
You see, we don't usually are aware of what makes us so attached to some people that it feels so hard to let them go so we do whatever we're told to do, even if we don't agree with it.
For example maybe your friends want to go to the club, and you feel like going tonight, but just because of the fact that you want to please your friends you say YES INSTEAD OF SAYING NO.
Now the short and easy solution I recommend doing is to get more friends, socialize and go out more so you would have some kind of ABUNDANCE that will allow you to have options and have some authority over yourself, however in the long run this solution doesn't work, since you'll get caught up on people's expectations again and it will fuck with your brains because as soon as you get that love from everyone you will IMMEDIATELY think about when all of this is going to end and HOW YOU are going to keep their approval.
So what I do "recommend" doing is to start let go all of the SOCIAL CONDITIONING , CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS(or smaller scale hurts) and reconditioning your Brain to become awesome and live your life to the fullest, freely on your own terms.
If you're interested in learning on how to do the above hit me up on my Instagram @theboringkaps I give free consultations
(BUT ONLY FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE WHO WANT TO TAKE ACTION AND ACHIEVE THEIR GOALS, NO DABBLERS PLEASE).
Peace ✌️
13:09 spot on! For me, here where it's all at. In a word it's EMOTOPHOBIA (not to be confused with Emetophobia).
It's a fear of negative emotions, both in others, and the self. I have no idea why this word is mostly ignored. For me it's been the key to not only understanding people pleasing, but basically everything that I could never articulate about me emotionally.
My husband was surprised when I finally stopped being a pleaser...first he thought I was being mean and then he said I was selfish. It took him a couple months but now he’s happy with the new normal.
sick any tips for ffixing this problem?
Bravo!
My friend also thought the same when I suddenly say “ no” after I helped him lots of times.
Glad for you and sorry for the new "normal"... she won't be normal for long.
This is completely me, and I have always gotten taken advantage of and then been so hurt when that person would not be there if I ever needed help. I could not understand how you could give and give and that person didn’t even care, by being this away you just attract users, sponges.
Absolutely true.
So true that there are people out there waiting to get attached to the giving people .
My mom passed when I was 5 & my narcissist father remarried multiple times so I’ve suffered over a decade of depression, anxiety, ptsd, and not to mention lack of confidence and self respect. I’m now I’m my early 20s and loving myself more than ever as I create the life I’ve always wanted. Your videos help tremendously and I couldn’t have discovered your channel at a better time. You’re my honorary mom in my head lol stay beautiful
Good time to get into video's like this ..well done you
Best wishes to you 🙏🙏🙏
Im sending you a hug stranger 😭that's so hard but you're so strong to overcome this sis
@@starrysoup thank you dearest!!!! Xoxo
May God continue to bless, protect and strengthen you. Jesus love’s you. God bless you 💛
The other comment I wanted to make is that people pleasers are secretly angry and resentful and blame others. But what we really need to do is say no and take responsibility for ourselves and choices. I am working on this!
You probably speak for yourself
@@fallonrappaport5270 Was thinking the same thing too. I'm a people pleaser and have never felt resentful or angry.
Avoiding confrontation. DING. DING. DING. DING. DING.
Adam Nicholes the more you face people the easier it gets to do and the more your confidence will increase.
Most people are easy to face. It's the ones who I've allowed to mistreat, disrespect and take advantage of me that are difficult. I'm working on becoming a healthier person, and by doing so I'm gaining the strength to say no without regret or resentment.
Thanks for all the insights you provide through your channel. I'll be putting the knowledge to good use.
Yep. That's me. I have lived my entire life being more concerned about everyone else's feelings, happiness, etc. Married to an alcoholic for 15 years, then with an alcoholic/narcissist for 12. I am FINALLY feeling OVER IT and ready to start taking care of me. Took 57 years. Still figuring out how to navigate, but your words are very helpful. I love your videos (I don't like most - so preachy or come of as know it all) as you are totally real and genuine and that's what make YOU great!. Thank you for what you do!
I have been a chronic people pleaser all my life. This has definitely come at the expense of myself. The good thing is I know where I learnt this behaviour from and your videos are helping heal and take better care of myself. Thank you.
Michelle Williams good for you!! I am so happy that the videos are helping.. mission accomplished!
I'm a chronic people pleaser also Dear God teach me to help myself Amen
@@carlashepard3317 what does Amen mean?
I can completely relate to everything said in this video. The only point I would make is to add an additional comment that children can sometimes learn to people please their parents because to say no would mean punishment. I’m talking about children having to conform in order to survive a hostile family environment. The results are the same as described in this video - the child is conditioned to disconnect from their feelings and never learn to rely upon their feelings. They also struggle to develop a cohesive sense of self. These abused children are hard to spot because they are so well conditioned to people please they never skip school, always complete their homework, never misbehave in or out of school and so never come to the attention of anyone who might be able to help them. This is a really good video. I’ve saved it to come back to watch again. One of the most important points that I’m going to take away from this is to stop using the expression people pleaser, and use the expression Disease to Please. I think that when I identify myself as a people pleaser it’s harder to set boundaries because it feels like I’m attacking my core identity. But when I tell myself I’m suffering from a disease and I can self diagnose myself as having the Disease to Please, then setting boundaries feels more like a treatment or a cure for the disease. I can feel my confidence rising just saying this. Thank you for an amazing video.
Yup 100% I didn’t even know I was a people pleaser because I had done it for so long that I didn’t even have a second thought about not wanting to do it.
There was zero desire to keep any time for money or material possessions for me. I’d been completely conditioned from a young age that I was there to make everything better, I had taught myself to take physical abuse and not cry and still get everything done. I attract abusers and pack up and move so they can’t find me. All I needed to do was start loving myself, learning everyday and practicing.
We will get there!
After watching this, I've realised I'm a people pleaser. I'm going to try and change things and make myself a better person.
Great video Stephanie. 👍
I’ve been people pleasing free for about a year now and I’ve experienced the great health benefits. Blood pressure is back to normal and I don’t feel like I’m running a marathon throughout the day.
JL 🙌👍
Inspiring 🙂
I like to please people. It feels great to make somebody’s day. However now that I’ve gotten older i am more than aware when it’s not really benefitting anyone. That was a great example on shirt decision. You just have to be comfortable speaking up for yourself like you said it doesn’t even have to be mean either.
sohaib ahmed absolutely! You want to Be able to be assertive and self loving but also keep your energy intact and not let your emotions take over when someone does something that is hurtful.. Because what that person is doing has nothing to do with you. 💗
sohaib ahmed That’s what I do now, I am just watching the video. I like pleasing people. Makes me feel better about myself that I made someone’s day.
I think you hit the nail on the head, healthy interactions should benefit everyone - they should be win/win and consequent feelings of enjoying making each other's day are probably healthy then. Otherwise, boundaries should be set.
sohaib ahmed I’m people pleaser and I got hurt every time. I will stop that now
Gosh! I usually feel GUILTY SAYING NO! And I absolutely have a hard time making decisions.
Spot on. I never say no, can't make decisions, and had an actual panic attack when I had to confront someone at a meeting.
I'm afraid of being exposed. Being a Marine Corps veteran new people I meet give me a lot of respect. But they always end up disappointed and go away in the end when they slowly realize I'm a people pleaser with no self worth.
I’m a 65-year old woman, known to be quite self confident, and still the biggest people pleaser. Just recently I decided it needs to stop. And it feels GREAT! Somewhat mischievous, lol, as I’m fully aware of what im doing, and waiting for those people whom I have allowed to take advantage of me, to approach ME, rather than me constantly inviting them. Sooo liberating!
Thank you!
Disease to please is such a good way to phrase it! I used to think that me being ‘nice’ was a positive trait, but my eyes have been opened. Personally I’ve made great strides but I was just confronted with this professionally as I STRUGGLED to ask for a raise. I realized I was avoiding confrontation, and not prioritizing my needs and desires, to benefit others. So glad I pushed through. It went very well!
I work on this by actively stopping myself from offering 'help'. Its not easy for me at all. The comfortable thing is the knee jerk response to offer everything i have to someone who needs it. They may not even want it and feel uncomfortable with me offering. I am ridiculous. But working on it.
Please stop saying u r ridiculous because the tongue is mightier and you r not ridiculous. I have learned to replace a bad thought with a good thought. lol
I used to do the same and now that i am healing and become more and more aware of these issues I have improved a great deal. I no longer ask people if they need help. I'm putting myself first.
I grew up on eggshells with a NPD single mother so I was conditioned to cater to her needs/moods. I was the peacekeeper, the diplomat. My opinions/feelings/needs were unmet and inconsequential.
My feelings were ignored so I grew to ignore my own needs.
To grit and bare it, suck it up buttercup! I didn’t get much praise, affection, love or attention. I got more criticism, shame, blame and guilt.
I felt invisible, neglected, unloved, ignored & unwanted.
I felt like a burden or a
mistake. I do feel bad to disappoint someone I care about and struggle to put my needs first. I avoid conflict depending on the situation.
I tend to alternate between confidence and assertiveness and feeling insecure and vulnerable. It’s been a lifelong learning to communicate with others.
I wish I had this video 20 years ago. The amounts of pain and anguish I could have avoided. I tick every checkbox on that list and o am married to someone who does emotionally abuse and manipulates me. A realization is one thing, figuring out how to fix it will be far more difficult.
You have to be very careful. Letting children having their own way too much is the driving force in the explosion in narcissism
I thought I heard her say let children have choices. To me that means asking little Suzy, do you want to wear the purple shirt of the pink shirt today.
Right not spoiling them
I’ve been a target for Narcissists… Been the victim of gaslighting… Never took the time to understand, this was why. Then when my frustration rose to the boiling point, I exploded & then it was all my fault. It is my fault, because I allowed the abuse.
Wow! I didn't realise the basis of my indecisiveness, lack of assertion, inability to set boundaries and feeling disconnected with myself. I taught myself to say No when it is a clear "can I take your book?" I can't say no when someone would request "Can I go first? Can I take that project?" I have to respond appropriately to these now.
1- Give up own feelings/needs and get praise for it. (101%)
2- Need for validation
3- Completely avoid confrontation (can't stand up for myself-- abuse is common)
All my life I thought I was supposed to be a people pleaser. I was taught by my mother. I'm becoming more aware that being that way has thrown me off balance by feeling false guilt. It's going to take a long time to break away from this. One thing I've noticed is the more you do for people, the more they want. It's time for me to draw the line!
I also have people pleased my narcissist mother all my life which has affected every relationship in my life to my detriment. I have had chronic fatigue syndrome for 27 years it’s been a living hell automaticity pleasing everyone but myself, I totally understand at 59 years old I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I guess it’s better late than never, but my heart goes out to you as I have also lived your life. I wish you well in going forward in a positive healthier new life like I am also now trying to do . Bless you are everyone listening to this video.
You will wear yourself out pleasing everyone else and end up suffering yourself. You need to learn to say no & not feel bad about it. You are truly saving yourself & you owe yourself that much. It's never too late. I waited until retirement to start saying no.
I am one of the older generation (75) and I totally agree with what you are teaching. I am a Pastoral counselor and Christians are taught to ALWAYS turn the other cheek and that it is wrong to set boundaries etc. Thank you for teaching people pleasing in such a basic and understandable way. I have subscribed to your videos 👏👍
I’m a people pleaser. I’m finally starting to speak up, through your videos it’s really beginning to help. I hate confrontation but this relationship has forced me to reflect on my outlook of life.
And have you noticed that alot of people don't like it when we do speak up....but we need to especially when everything has to be done on their terms....
Can you please make a video of how to balance your assertiveness? I feel that because when i was a child people had no respect for my bounderies and i was a people pleaser, i went in to the other extreme where i put my boundaries a bit aggressivly and a bit too much aggressive now. Thanks a lot you are one of my biggest self awaerness teachers😍
That is so true! My husband is a covert narc & it sucks bc I find myself waiting for his approval (very minimal now, but we've been together 6 years & it started out that he would throw me bread crumbs & I would give him 2 loaves of bread) I remember we got married, then he tells me we should go take a trip to see his family. I said but, what about our honeymoon? What about us? Without any regard for this occasion I found myself in CT being paraded around by his family. We got zero time together. On the last night I told him tomorrow I wanted to leave early to spend the day together in New York. He agreed & swore up & down we would have time together. I made it clear that was important to me. The next morning him & his dad got back from the gym at 8 am, informing me to get ready for lunch, his dad was taking us out. Not one mention of "hey is that ok? I know we made plans last night & we don't have to go." Or "Dad me & Jesse made plans already, but thanks for offering." I screamed at him the entire drive to the restaurant in the rental car, I didn't say a word at lunch, (I was being super infantile, not one of my fine moments. But I couldn't day anything positive so I just didn't say anything) I was just pissed!! We got into New York at 10 pm, had to turn in the rental car so we were stuck in the hotel. It makes you feel crazy when someone over looks your feelings constantly.
There was another occasion when my husband said he would start being more involved so I told him to plan something for his days off. When he had his first day off he what is meandering around the house, I finally ended up realizing that he hadn't planned anything so I grabbed a book and laid down on the couch. Not two minutes later he asked me what I wanted to do, I said I'm doing exactly what I want to do. He then proceeded to grab our child's hand and yell over his shoulder at me well if you're not going to come up with anything then I'll leave with our son. I said okay, have fun. I was so angry when he left but he didn't need to know that. I thought why am I going to sit here and do nothing fun? So I loaded up my kayak in my truck and drove an hour to the lake. I'm directly in the middle of the lake riding the wake of a speedboat when I hear my phone go off in the dry compartment. Once the waves weren't as bad I phoned him. He said "I got a babysitter for tonight are you almost home?" I said "last i heard you had gone out. I'm actually out at the lake right now and won't be back until dark." He acted all disappointed, but I felt so in control finally that day. I was not going to stop my fun just because he decided what he wanted to do. I was paddling through a canyon, & could hear fish jumping, but it was getting dark! I could see all the stars floating out there & I realized I was going to enjoy my life even if he tried to ruin it. I could've stayed home & cried, but I did something for me & didn't change my plans for him.
When I arrived home at 10 p.m. I began washing up in the spare bathroom, brushing teeth etc. He came into the bathroom asking where I was. "I was kaying." He said, "until 10 pm?" "Yep." He knows the lake is an hour away, I wasn't going to explain anything. How was it? It was so fun, I had a wonderful time. He seemed so irritated. He said "I'm going to bed." Now normally I'd say no, we need to talk. But I said, "ok night." He hesitated, then walked away almost as if looking for a sign I was sad he wouldn't talk. That was by far the most liberating experience, & ever since then I've been so much more in control of ME. I don't base my emotions off of his, when he's upset that's him, not me.
Good analogy regarding the bread crumbs! Good for you!! You are truly health and in control of your own state. You should be so proud of yourself!!
Stephanie Lyn Coaching - the work you're doing helps so many people Stephanie, thanks to people like you more people are waking up to see the manipulations, gaslighting, steamrolling, stonewalling, blame, shame, love bombing, & victim mentality!! Keep doing what you're doing!!! I wish I had this info years ago, but regardless knowledge is power!
very good stories and experiences
Jesse James , I don't know u ,but sounds like you have it together , I enjoyed reading your story, I am not married but I can sure learn from your story , thanks for sharing ,if you had not shared your story then I would have not learned that I can take your story and learn from it ,thank you
Jesse James OKAY, CONTINUE, THE TWO OF YOU, BEHAVING AS THOUGH Y'ALL ONE UPING ON EACH OTHER. BOTH WANT CONTROL, IT SEEMS, WHEN PEOPLE REALLY APPRECIATE, RESPECT AND VALUE EACH OTHER. NONSENSE, IS NOT APART OF THE EQUATION. UNLESS, BOTH ARE PLAYING SOME KIND OF GAME. Y'ALL WILL BE RUNNING OUT OF TIME, DON'T BELIEVE THE CHILD DOESN'T FEEL AND SENSE, THIS BS. THE REAL SO CALLED LOVE AND TOGETHERNESS, THE BOTH OF YOU HAVE GOING ON. STOP IT!!! LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE, AND GROWING OLD TOGETHER, OR MAYBE Y'ALL KNOW THAT'S NOT THE PLAN. REALLY CHECK SELFS
This is spot on! Wow! So glad I discovered you today! I really needed your perspective. Thank you.
14:00 yes I've avoided confirontation and fights because of my bringin up childhood memories and when I I standed up for myseelf my parents literally emotionall tortured me at point or at least afterwards...
I was thinking about this today I’ve done so much for other people in my life and where did it get me no where . So now it’s time I put my life first .
😭 for years I never knew why I was a people pleaser or why I have never been able to make decisions and I always asked everyone my friends my family for opinions and listening to what I was told. I'm 28 now and Stephanie thank you so much for this it really sheds light to many of us who have struggled with such issues. How are you just so perfect in explaining this? And yes I have always been taken advantage of. I even attracts a narcissist for a husband and I left him after two months of marriage. Thank you so so so much.
Good for you for leaving early
You explain this perfectly! Thank you.
I am healing with God and you... everyday I feel less guilty, it easy to understand your videos.
What you say about childhood is so right and it does affect us greatly when we become adults
Can you do a video on people who apologize too much?
Eh !!! Are You a Canadian?! Sorry I probably should not ask a personal question.
New friend to your channel. - good information.
So true ..I had a habit of feeling really bad to pull away from people I felt uncomfortable with ,because a lot of people will turn it around and make it your problem ..trouble is there are a lot of stressed and unstable people around ...I feel like a coward if I don't make my own decisions ,
Also these days of spiritual growth ..I do try and do the decent thing ..such a lot for all of us to learn .Thanks Love your video's .
It's not healthy. We're better than that. Thanks, Stephanie!
Thanks!!!! This is so true - I have seen in life people Will use you if you let them!!!! I have always been the type to give more than I get -which is good according to th bible and I have been blessed = but there gets to a point you have to put your foot down!!!
Wow! So much of this is so much like myself I hate conflict in case I just have to... I have difficulty saying No! I always like to see people happy other than myself sometimes!!! I think I’m in a relationship with a narcissist right Now!!! and do know how to exit because I don’t want to hurt her feelings....,
Stephanie, could you make a video about the disease called "I'm too nice" and how to overcome it? I've struggled with this for too long. I've been listening to all your Codependency-related videos, learning to say no, people pleasing, and the list goes on. Many thanks for putting so much useful material out to learn from. Is having what I call a "I'm too nice syndrome" similar to people pleasing? It must be related. My niceness has been abused my whole life and I'm determined to overcome it. Thanks!!!
Wow where have you been all my life. I've watched countless videos on this topic and no one had explained it as well as you did. Thank you! This video helped me a lot.
All I ever wanted to do was play music in a band. I can remember the times I was allowed to in vivid detail because it was maybe three times. I played bass by myself everyday in my room everyday. Playing bass by yourself is the lamest most unfulfilling thing you can do
Thank you so much ! I felt so relate to this vídeo . Im getting healthier, but its a day by day work to validate myself and think what i want and what I NEED !💪🏼
But my biggest struggle in decision making is more with RELATIONSHIPS!
HI. If you never try you never Know. And learn about mistakes. The more you try the more you get answer. I like your youtube clips.
jacob mirzada thank you!
I thank the Lord for showing me your Videos and it's helping me out in the real world . Much love from Sydney Australia
Indeed
Pen Nit Gives reference to an imaginary friend and then to reality. At least you seem to know the difference. I love this comment!
I basically people pleased myself to homelessness I’m so discouraged I overcame sexual physical abuse addiction been sober 5 years it’s taken me twenty years to obtain 5 consecutive years of sobriety. Just tired scared and feel I’ll never get better
Almost 100K!!! Congrats Stephanie!
Definitely supportive! Thanks Steph 😊❤
Great advice. I have suffered from this too, and been taken advantage of as a result. More things I wish I'd known when I was younger ...
What are the differences between entitlement/selfishness/narcissism and self-love ? Thanks
Good question
can u say keep your opinion to yourself? when someone says it is only theri opinion but there opinion at most time is hurtful to you?
Disease to please! Oh gosh...I know everything happens for a reason, but why couldn't I have seen this two years ago! UGH!!!
Making choices for me it's true my own decision is Right
When I ask someone for their opinion I usually have a good idea of what I want to do. I am just asking for a second opinion, another way of looking at things. Problem is people get mad if you do not take their opinion over yours. My goal is to make the best decision I can not to abandon my opinion but to get another prospective. You need to learn who to ask on certain topics.
To Lyn, thank you for your videos, they really help me. I'm learning and realising to only surround myself with positive ppl who uplift me and say positive things. I keep away from those who are negative. This year and last have been a real eye opener for me.
Mine comes mostly from fear of abandonment as a child
I always know inherently what is good for me but since having kids it has gotten much worse. I do things because of them. Things I do not want to do. How do you marry the responsibility you have for your kids and your own needs. I see absolutely no one talking about codependency and parenthood.
Omg, I am a 100% people pleaser. All these characteristics are so me. And it's so hard!
Your videos are so insightful. Also, you present the information in an easy to follow manner.
toneman335 thank you so much!
I never thought of myself as a people pleaser because I always thought it was those women that love hosting parties and doing everything for everyone else. I'm not that social so I couldnt relate until this week when I realised several new 'friends' I'd made were women who didn't actually seem to like or respect me but wanted to use me as free emotional support and boast to so they could feel better about themselves. These false friendships made me feel awful and were painful. I looked into how they'd evolved and realised I'd really wanted them to like me and be friends as I was lonely and flattered they wanted my friendship ie I put them on a pedestal then tried to 'be a good friend' which I'm now realising is code pendent people pleasing behaviour. I've not replied to one of them because I can't bare to listen to her whining about petty problems and I def feel a bit nervous and guilty not replying but it's also kind of exhilarating standing firm and putting myself first. It's been really useful realising I had this people pleasing tendency, it's also other piece in the puzzle.
I’m very off topic can you please share your skin routine , your face is always glowing . Not only are you beautiful from the inside but also the outside ❤️❤️
Going through a divorce and it has been very painful. Your videos have helped me to evaluate myself and decide what I need to learn from this experience.
I felt ..... You are speaking about ME ... Am every bit that complete LIST ...
Lately recognising it and trying to make changes....
Actually ...I ... don't HV a voice ...and I need to find my voice .
Wish me luck....
Really appreciate you making these videos ..it helps many like me ... understanding better..
Am on a new path that I haven't walked on until now ...I want to have a good happy walk ...
God bless ...
Excellent and wise. Especially the initial perspective on "old school" parents and fear of confrontation. It has taken me years to learn I was a "people pleaser" but one of the best parts of growing older is that we naturally begin to question that programmed response. I am learning to set boundaries, to say "No" when necessary, and to trust myself more. It has been painful, especially in the romantic relationship department but I am a work in progress, and this is a core issue with me. I have sought professional counseling at least 3 times in my life, but none of the mental health therapists nailed it like you did in 18 minutes. Wherever "there" is, I am getting there..., thanks so much! My next relationship will be much healthier as a result I'm sure. One post-script: would love to hear you say something about the connection between chronic people pleasing, hiding one's inner anger at being that way, and substance use/abuse. I have always hated the taste of alcohol but binge-drinking on weekends sure numbed me to my inner rage. I can see now that by the end of a week of being a major people pleaser in my life and work I was secretly furious at life and people. I am better now and getting better. Not afraid of confronting others when necessary now, setting boundaries, nor saying bye bye to toxic people in my life. And Mr. Smirnoff no longer is my weekend chum. Keep up the good work.
thank you for this episode, I find myself listening to this one everyday I feel insecure...
I'm 34yrs old and just starting to really recognise that i'm a bit of a people pleaser especially when it's my family and friends. Now I've reached the point where i've been so generous and forgiving of toxic ppl in my life that they're now used to expecting me to let their bad behaviour slide. I'm done! It's costing me way too much stress and strain it's time to change and think about ME. No one else is!
People call me a good friend when I listen to them... but really, I'm people pleasing. I'm denying myself for them.
I'm breaking.
Man, you have probably heard this before. But where were you in my early 20s. Better late than never. I turn your channel over to my younger acquaintances. This is life changing stuff. Look at Johnny Depp and Amber heard trial. That’s a nightmare that nobody wants. Except a narcissist.
I don't even know what happens to me that unconsciously I can't bear disagreements. I get very anxious.
I love these videos! The information is wonderful and enlightening and the way you deliver it is so normal and easy to understand!
I just watched the co-dependency video and now this video.. Man, call me out. I have a lot to work on. A lot. I’m glad i found these videos
Eye opener. Seems quite basic but i never thought of it. I am the youngest of 3. I was the baby so it's not that I was not attended to but no, no one asked how I felt about anything. I was always led to whatever needed to be done. Today I usually say: " whatever you like" , sure "I'm ok", "I'm not picky" I don't really have an opinion .
100% guilty if i say no. I feel terrible about upsetting anyone.
Also, culturally (old school latin) you could not ask why about anything because it is seen as disrespectful. How dare you question anyone older. ..
Blessings! Thank you!🤗😊👣👣🙏🙏🙋
It was my bad behaviour but now i can say i'm free and more assertive in any communication
Loved this thank you so much.
I was raised by my dad who is a retired 101st airborne sergent and alcoholic. Im the oldest and yes i fully recognize now my start of people pleasing.
I have relapsed in my co dependency and tools i had to love me etc.
Im back in the program and in a women's support group.
Again thank you so much for your viedos so much help.
God Bless you
I'm really struggling with this one, I'm in a position that I'm exhausted to be staying at home after I left my ex husband. And I'm planning to rent a house with my kids but I was still thinking about my mom. My 13 years old ask me a question which triggered my mind. She ask me do I think my mom thinks about me ?????? And the honest answer Is NO. She ask me so why are u thinking about her feelings more than yours🥵i felt like I can screaming because she was telling the truth.
Thx So Much!!
I need to apply this in my life!!
I've never asked people if I'm making the right decision. I do what feels natural for me and if anyone asks why'd I do that for I did it because it actually was right for me.
Someone could give you advice on what to do but who's to say that advice is best for you?
One time my mom said this was after we'd had carpet laid down, this was in mine and my husbands house and she was telling us how to handle the situation because something had gone wrong and do you know what she said to me
"If you go on the phone unsure of yourself they can fob you off, you have to be like, now this was supposed to come with this, this and this..."
And I thought about it but that didn't come right or natural for me obviously it came natural to her and was a eye opener for me to hear what she would do but I'd go at that differently. Say, if I did do that and they came back me with that much aggression I'd crumble. I wouldn't be able to handle myself so when people give you advice it's what works for them.
What I would do is, if I couldn't sort it with the person I'd go over their heads and put a complaint into management and they can make it right with their employees. I don't go tow to tow with people.
I've never been comfortable with anyone making choices for me so I loved it when I reached 16, and then 18, and then 21 because I was reaching legal age where I could make my choices because it is my life - a lot of people might not agree with how I live my life but I think the whole point of it is to enjoy it.
My mom and dad have never approved of my choices, it hurts but after awhile I don't really care. It's just because they'd do things differently.
However I did look to mom for a whole portion of my life for validation that I was making her proud but I was making myself miserable but if I was living life the way I want, rather than in the ways she does I was never going to get that approval and I had to mourn that, she thinks highly of my sister because their life styles and choices are similar and so when they harp on at me I try and shut down because they are judging me in my life for my decisions I make, and the reason why mom gets so mad is because she feels I should come to her and ask her opinion, that's what my sister does but I don't. Mom says to me other children come to their Mom's and ask for advice, I always went to my Mom (but she's highly controlling, and advice turns into a lecture and I get unsolicited advice anyway and by not going to her although I may make bad choices but at least I learn from them.)
Thing is, my mom and I've heard this from her mom how she's frightened of me making a bad decision so all the decisions have to be evaluated, and thought through before we make one. To some extent I do agree with it but she can't make a decision, I know what I want ad go for it whether it's which tiles to have in my bathroom or which wedding dress was perfect for me
Thank you darling….omg. I’m 66 years now
wasted 30 years of my life
Cost my sons life
I wish you
Around in the 1970’s
Most parents don't teach this stuff to kids.. it's sad part. Parents get busy with jobs and more and more kids grow codependent or narcs... Parents even don't know kids need to teach this. Even I didn't know anything about toxic people untill I traveled to usa and I heard such term. I started self research on psychology.
How well said and explained! Thank you very much, I received answers for so many of my questions. Looking forward to your new videos!
Usually, if there was a conflict with family or friends. I would get up and walk away. 😢 I try not to do that now. You're right in few relationships I've had narcissists. My last friend a fell in love with used me for my money 💰 and they knew how I felt. Turned it around later a and said it's all in my head. So now I've gotten the strength to block an delete them.
After years of wanting to be liked, accepted by people and wanting to fit in with everyone; which made me insecure, unconfident, tearful, scared to say no to others, fearful of people and keeping away. Until recently having health issues with my body and having a mini bout of depression and then having family members who I looked up to growing up, tell me that I will amount to nothing and then this year ending up in A and E. I just thought fu@# it and f*&k everyone else this is my life enough is enough and I'm going to live my best life and do more positive things for me and be me. People only like you when they are walking all over you and when you say yes to them, the minute you say no Ur a bad person, I had that experience at work, the moment I said no to people I became a bitch in there eyes but for me it was liberating to say "no". Having health issues and the recent pandemic, losing 2 good ppl because of it has opened up my eyes alot to living my life the way I want to. The word "no" is my best friend.
I feel that my older sister is a narcissist because she doesn’t know when to take no for an answer. Like if she wanted me to do something. And I say no. She tells me that I’m doing the bare minimum and I was shocked because I questioned myself then , I felt bad about not helping her ,but then I questioned myself again because why should I do this for her if she isn’t helping ,but wants to go out and have fun. She was yelling at me in that moment, telling me to never ask her for things and that I do the bare minimum. That I should get the fuck out of her house. Telling me to shut up. In my head I’m like this doesn’t make sense. What am I doing wrong. So I’m starting to come to the sense of not doing those certain things for her, bc she loves to make excuses.And she uses diversionary tactics to basically talk bad about me & about what I’ve done. But if I don’t do it for her, she tells me that I’m making excuses. She’s not the type of person to apologize. And the reason for this being is because I live in her apartment. So I understand why. I do clean, cook and everything but she lies to people and tells them that I don’t do those things. I’m glad I’m self aware of what’s been happening to me. She also keeps putting her living habits onto me which I don’t like. Yes I don’t clean as much as her but it’s not ok to keep telling me in my face that I don’t clean and etc. Shes said a lot of stuff to me in the past and now I’m just hurt. That’s why I do these things for her. I’m glad I came across this video because yesterday morning I ended up doing something for her because it was out of pure generosity. And I’m not petty like her. But one of my sisters were telling me that I shouldn’t be doing her favors and I know I shouldn’t but it’s so hard. I grew up in a family that didn’t allow me to make my own decisions. Me not being aware of my feelings and them telling me that I’m sensitive, or I’m being dramatic. So me having suicidal thoughts is dramatic? But I still go back to her. Why? Because I don’t want to be homeless. So I just try to deal with everything and doing favors for her.
I can say no if I really don't want to do something now because I've told myself, I'm never going to be good enough in the eyes of my mother, she's set the standards way too high, I'm not going to meet them. I'm done trying. My Mom's not proud of me like she once was. I make mistakes, I've done things, I screw up but I know I'm good enough. I'm happy on my own but I enjoy spending time with the friends I do have, the friends I can trust and who are there for me. The only time I'd ever people please is if I was in awe of somebody and I really wanted them to like me and I'd a feeling that they wouldn't approve of me for being me then there's the danger I might abandon myself to be something to this person and I'd be happy to do whatever they wanted and in my mind put them on a pedistool.
I remember I told this person who was like a friend to me how amazing she was and she responded with "no I'm not, I make mistakes, I eat junk food" and after everything she put down about herself I still put down she was amazing because of that, because of how honest she was, how authentic she was because she wasn't putting on a facade that said look at me I'm amazing.
There is perfection in the unperfection not a lot of people realise this. Also, which I need to try reminding myself being a people pleaser isn't a good look or feel because it sends of needy energy and unless someone is abusive no-one really wants that, they might like that they can have their way with you at times so I need to remind myself of that.
The more real a person is, the person that says yes I have a temper, and admit their flaws is perfect to me and I tell myself every day, this is the sort of path, the sort of destiny I'm going to take. Trying to be perfect is too much work, you put too much pressure in yourself, you feel close to a nervous break down, you feel nothing you do is good enough and I don't need that stress.
Hi Stephanie, good stuff! I'm now curious to contact you about life coaching? Please let me know. Take care. Thanks.
Dawn Elizabeth thank you! My email is info@stephanielynlifecoaching.com. Please send me an email so we can set up a consultation. Thanks!
Had a few painful realizations while listening. Thank you. I am happy you're in a better place now, and I hope I could do that for myself as well.
My family's view .... "Do as I say and not what I do!" Even, when I got up the nerve to stand up to it, after I got counseling help, they would say everything we do for you, and this is how you treat us? I do have a new life in another state and continue to work on my problems while watching videos like this, however, I still dream about past trauma and still attract people who have similar behavior patterns like my family's and yes, I have a hard time making decisions at times and feel guilty a lot of the time when I try to stand up for my needs.
Thanks for the video. The difficulty I have is that I have had this disease to please for so long, I struggle to know who I am or what I want! I used so much of my time bending my personality to please others it has become my default position. Now that I have finally found the courage to leave my Narcissistic wife after 26 years I am slowly forcing my self to understand who I am and what I want. But it is very hard.
I am very good at making decisions usually! I select something and go! and i have some PP tendencies still, yet I'm workin on it! it is about boundaries and standards...
Now I see why people think I have a problem when I ask them basic questions about what they want/need or how they feel and their opinions. When its just them growing up in a society which doesn't give and never gave them choices.
I love how I have evolved. I will never stop aaking even if they think I am dumb for asking.
I grew up with my grandparents and they lived a very old strict fashion of life. You had to believe the Catholic faith (to me that's brain washing), you did the woman's work and you never ever complained about anything. I struggled with depression so bad I tried to commit sucide, again you dealt with it, it's a sin to get help. So basically you were a slave to the husband and faith, so yes people pleasing was on of them. As I am older I have realized that people pleasing gets you no where in life. People will walk all over and get you fired from your job. I am finally getting therapy to deal with a lot of shit and this is one of the issues I'm working on. Thank you so much for your helpful videos.
Laura Gadille I’m so sorry that you have had to go through those experiences… But I am really thankful that you’re getting help and understanding all of these abusive tactics and then I had nothing to do with you! All the best!
I can't believe it .. all this video you're talking about me !! My life .. you opend my eyes ..really thank you so much ..God bless you 🙏🙏❤
I must say, that I absolutely love your channel and the kinds of topics you cover! You’ve taught me so much and quite frankly, it’s helping me become more confident! So thank you!!