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'I Want My Unfaithful Spouse to Suffer': Addressing the Pain of the Betrayed Spouse
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- Опубликовано: 10 янв 2018
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Samuel addresses the desire of betrayed spouses to sometimes see their spouse suffer for their choices.
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I get what you’re saying here but I physically can’t do it. When I’m hurting angry, suicidal I need for him to see that and to know that he’s caused this. He’s ripped my life apart and I will never be the same again. I’m hoping that one day I can forgive but for now I need for him to bear the brunt of my pain. I can’t do it on my own.
it's a process Kirsten. i would get expert help asap my friend to help you work through the layers of pain and hurt and trauma. this course will help: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
I feel the same way. We've signed up for the 7 Day Bootcamp. Actually I did & invited him to join. Im in such disbelief & despair I'd rather be dead. He broke my heart & I don't know if i can forgive him. I don't know who he became but I can't do this alone. We can't afford any of your courses - he is taking responsibility for it but after 24 years & having gone through utter hell together tears out my soul. I thought he was the most loyal man I know- now I feel such anger & hatred. I feel like such a stupid fool. Thank you for your videos Samuel-theyre the only thing getting me through. I'm so tired of crying all the time & disclosure began n February but took 2 months to fully disclose. I feel like I'm trapped in hell.
@@initiationintotruth1490 it is like you have written MY experience. Despair so deep I don't know how I can hurt so bad, and live through it. I'm crying all the time every day. I hate him so much for the pain he's caused me. It's worse when the information we want and need, is trickled a little at a time. There are layers of betrayal involved. Utter devastation left in the wake of their "mistake ". When I first found out, I had a mental breakdown. I didn't sleep or eat for four days, even forgot to take any of my meds. Which didn't help. All I could do was pace the floor, smoke and drink cup after cup of coffee. I too found out in February, just a couple of days after Valentine's Day. Though I had suspected something was going on, he was gaslighting me, telling me that I was imagining things. If you want to talk you can pm me and maybe we can help each other, by listening if nothing else.
Sometimes I want him to see the pain that he's caused me! My life will never be the same. He broke my spirit. I could NEVER trust again
@@initiationintotruth1490 you are Not a stupid fool. You were taken advantage of just like so many others like me. You held onto your integrity and you were loyal and faithful.
I just want my husband to understand my pain.
Theyll only feel equivalent pain when their AP cheats on them.
I don’t think I can take my spouse back, there’s a lot of layers to unfold, and I gave up, for me to move on I just said that’s it, u out of here. She neglected me and my kids to do what she likes because she was unhealthy. Than she don’t deserve to be in my life. Plus the affair partner is also gone to, so bye!
😔ITS SO MANY "LAYERS" TO THIS THING!! ITS BEEN 12 YEARS FOR ME AND I "STILL" STRUGGLE IN "RECOVERY"!! THE DAMAGE HE CAUSED IS "EMBEDDED" IN MY SOUL AFTER 20 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, THEN BEING DISCARDED LIKE YESTERDAYS TRASH, FOR SOME "CONCUBINE"!😣
Same
It is embedded in my soul also. But I can do still much good for others in need, helping poor, widows, encouraging others, etc. you held onto your integrity so you can move forward with your life with your head held high.
Tonight I actually told him I wanted him to hurt and how much I hate him. He couldn’t break it off and he kept lying while he told me he only wanted me and it was done. I hate him, I hate how I feel and what he done. I am not ready to forgive as I don’t feel safe. He finally agreed to counseling but I don’t trust him at all. I need this and I hear it but I’m so negative right now. Now he’s glomming on to the I’m detoxing like I owe him to not talk about it while he’s “in his head”. I hear this but damn, I’m stuck!!!
That's so me I want her know the pain and hurt that she did to me over the years, the CHEATING, THE LIES, AND JUST DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME
Wow! This was a powerful message for me. Married for 25 years and discovered he's been cheating on me for the past 2 years. I filed for divorce and he was served last week. He blamed me for everything and gaslit me in all kinds of ways. Now I am working on myself to include working on forgiving him someday.
One of the toughest messages I have yet to hear from Affair Recovery. I have had to navigate so much pain from my wife's 2-year emotional affair these past 3-plus years and still feel a lot of disconnect from her. It has hurt even more seeing her get off Scott free with her friends and family and co-workers without losing any significant relationships and her focusing on repairing those relationships while our relationship is still in chaos and disarray. I know Bibically God calls on me to forgive and I know the damage it is doing to me spiritually, emotionally and physically, bit I don't know how to forgive and move forward. It's just eating me alive!
C.J. I'm praying for you. I am going through a similar "fallout". My wife's affair was 2 yrs. long, it's been a year since it stopped. 3 mos. since she told me, and only out of fear that someone else would tell me.
Many of her family members knew shortly after she began the affair. A feeling of "everyone knew but me"... humiliating to say the least. Her affair partner was her own 18 yr old cousin who is much younger than her.
She currently doesn't sympathize on her own. Her way of handling it is: to try and forget it. That selfishness is very concerning.
Her family, and friends have consoled her while I'm left to fend for myself as i have very little family to even support me. It is very hard, but think of the person you are. She's really not getting off Scott free. She'll have to contend with God. I wish you the best. 🙏
I am in the same boat
Bro this has tore me apart aswell, I've been through alot worse things in my life but this is the most painful experience
I tried so hard to forgive, he continues to be with her behind my back. I asked him to leave, he refuses.. I hate him sometimes..i have horrible thoughts about him constantly because he just wont stop..if he stopped and showed some kind of remorse, we could move on..but he s such a disgusting human. I just want to get away from him, but my hands are tied financially and he knows this. I feel as if im being tourtured
I'm terribly sorry victory. at some level, you probably are being tortured by his abuse. i hope and pray you can find a way out.
ive been suffering quietly alone for 6 years since my husband died and i discovered his infidelity and the extent after his death. My closure was his death. I may have forgiven him in life but now never. I see him differently. Ashamed he was my choice of partner and the father of my children . He protected himself in life to give me grief in death. Safety for him in life , to give me fear after his death. That is one door I am glad I physically shut.
I don't want him to suffer.. Never would I want that. I just want him to talk to me and be honest with me of it all. :/ he don't want anything to do w this affair anymore.
Oh my god. I being watching your videos as form of my healing for a longtime, and hearing this woman testimony you shared, it’s very healing itself. Even if it was not my own story. Thank you.
you're very welcome. so glad you're on the video blog. take care michele. thanks for posting and watching.
My favorite video blog so far. This is so true. I'm a year and a half post D Day and life is so good. Yes I have moments of anger but they are getting lesser and lesser. It takes time, and I honestly believe that God will handle the things He needs to handle and it's not up to me to worry about them.
100 percent correct. This hits my revovery spot on.
appreciate you so much my friend. thanks for the kind words. means a lot and i'm so glad you're doing well in your recovery.
How’s it going 5years later??
what does forgiveness feel like ? i've never had to forgive anyone for this level of betrayal or hurt so idk if I can forgive him or if i know when i forgive him
hi there. well, that's a big question. for starters (in cliff notes form) forgiveness is for you and for your own freedom. it's letting go of the need for revenge. it helps set you free, lightens the load of life and pain, and allows you to create a new pathway to heal, personally. it's never about feeling as we usually don't want to forgive or feel like forgiving ya know? it's a decision to forgive and no longer hold what they have done, against them. it doesn't always mean reconciliation either. it can simply mean setting yourself free and no longer holding them accountable for what they've done to you. here are a few helpful articles from our site: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/forgiving-infidelity-not www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/cost-of-forgiving-infidelitywww.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-practical-suggestions-for-forgiveness www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/what-forgiveness-and-isnt www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/betrayal-and-forgiving-infidelity-the-gift-of-forgiveness www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/forgiveness-how-does-seventy-times-seven-work that should load you up with a ton of stuff to read so see what you think after reading those and we'll talk some more. take care.
Overcoming Infidelity ok well forgiving will set me free but is it truly forgiving when it no longer pisses me off to no end when the thought of what he done crosses my mind ? Or will that ever happen? Bc I want more than anything to not have that sick feeling in my gut anymore.
takes time and process. there will come a day when it doesn't send you over the edge so to speak, but early on, it will. it takes the process to work through it to diffuse the anger you're probably feeling. it's normal my friend. have you done much work for forgiveness from an infidelity-specific source? that makes a huge difference.
@@TheJennyg76 I know someone can forgive but the pain of betrayal is hard to forget. After many years the hurt still can back when I least expect it.
What about justice!!! I’m not just transmitting my pain. There are things that should be made right!!! Not just playing God. My husband has been cheating on me since 2008. 12 years of our 17 year marriage. Too many women to count!!!! And he went to prostitutes and massage parlors one to two times a week!! What about all the money he stole from our family!! What about jail time. It is illegal to go to hookers!! I want justice. Not just suffering. It’s so unfair. Why am I the only one suffering.
Hi Heather. When there is not sincere repentance I don’t see much hope in moving forward in a relationship. Hopefully you have been able to move forward with your personal healing. I went through many years of betrayal by my wife It is hard but I believe you can move forward in the next chapter of your life.
Why does my ex husband hate me and is angry at me,
When he was a serial cheater?
I dont get it
could be many reasons, but in many ways, they do that to make themselves feel and look like the better person. it's very narcissistic. i would do some research and study on narcissism. he has to manage his image,
5th disclosure today. My husband is doing everything right. He’s watching the videos (yours). We’re doing the 7 day boot camp. He has seen the videos and disclosure and how important it is to get it out the first time… But since we found you it has taken him four times and now it’s been seven more months
Wow this really gave me hope. Thank you Samuel
I must forgive not for my mental, but for me. Yes I want him to suffer to see how I feel, BUT I want to heal more than I want him to pay. And I can't have it both ways. Most important im my Father Daughter and to be like Him I must forgive.
He divorced me behind my back
For no reason
Misrepresented me to others
And lies about me
Forgiveness is very hard. I have found that acceptance of the partner for being human and getting something wrong is easier. If you have acceptance then you don’t need to find forgiveness. I have found it more difficult to find forgiveness for the AP. They now feel as if they are the victim, and that they have been used and didn’t do anything wrong. This is hard for me to accept.
I really needed to hear this thank you.
Samuel thank you so much. I needed this right now
After discovery in Oct 2016 I came to a point, months later accepting and acknowledging that I had a part in the demise of our 32 yr marriage. We even started going out every week (just trying to reestablish) which I cherished. Then Oct 2017 second discovery occurred. I was even more devastated than the first time on top of my mother passing shortly after that. Yet when I tried speaking to my husband he didn't seem to understand that without even an apology I couldn't heal and was stuck. He then said he thought he did (which wasn't the case) and just blurted out " I apologize". That was so hurtful and even insulting. I can barely get thru each day.
How can he not see that his non communication is killing me? How do I heal?
more than likely he is full of shame, which this series will discuss: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame shame makes it about us and makes us self absorbed. he's blind to what your pain is doing to you as he won't let himself focus on it as he feels like a failure and probably hates wht he's done. i would focus on your healing and pull back and help him see what life may be like without you chasing him and trying to make him heal. these articles will help: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change
Overcoming Infidelity yes I do agree with you. I've seen your video about chasing and that is what I might be doing. As you said ... "I will chase him forever." That's something that is doomed to failure if I don't stop.
Thank you for replying back to me. Your videos help so so much!
God bless you and your wife. 🙏
thank you fiona. means a ton my friend. i'm so glad you're here. pray for samantha, sick with the flu.
It really doesn’t work that way. It comes in waves. I pray every day. I go long periods of time and then bam! Here it comes again. Not that horomones have anything to do with it?? I am a work in progress. Maybe I always will be?? I give it to God and then take it back.
Bethany, it has been like that for me, for tooo many years. While the pain comes back, at least the deep depression stays away. I work at helping others and doing good works. I wish you well.
How does a betrayed spouse do recovery work alone? How do you heal if you are still with the unfaithful spouse and they do nothing. Is that possible?
hi there. yes, it's possible. for starters, you can do harboring hope here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope you can also read books, but not just any books, but infidelity related books that may help you, as well as trauma books. if you're struggling with what feels like trauma Nicole, you can read most anything by peter levine but specifically 'the body keeps the score' by him. also, if you feel like you've been traumatized, you can find a professional that performs EMDR as a form of treatment as well. i don't know that you can heal the marriage, honestly, if the unf spouse won't do any work. you can however heal you and you can find solace in that you don't have to be a slave to his refusal to get help. many betrayed spouses work on themselves, till they feel healthy and strong enough to finally make the move to separate and eventually (in some cases) divorce. hope that helps you.
Overcoming Infidelity
Thank you for response...that makes sense😔
Nicole Avila that’s what I want to know...I’m in the same boat. It’s been almost 3 years since I discovered his numerous affairs online and I still have no healing or closure. He refuses to talk about it or answer my questions. He tells me “it was in the past, get over it” or if you can’t get over it then we should go our separate ways. We’ve been together for almost 6 years!! How could he tell me “let’s just end our relationship” because he refuses to answer unresolved questions. He must be trying to get me to the breaking point so I’ll leave and he won’t have to feel guilty anymore. SMH. 😢
@@TheChihuahua83
I been married to my husband 8yrs and together we just had our 20yr anniversary. This is 3rd time he cheated but 1st since married. But i know he cheated with the most recent numerous times he just wont tell me anything. This last time was with my bestfriend..Today 1yr ago he cheated and i found out same day.. i unfortunately spent today alone. He went off with his friends knowing what day it was and how much i needed him. He just doesn't care anymore. I cant ask questions or even talk about it. He gets angry defensive and irritated with me. 2 nights ago he said he cant live like this anymore and is done with our marriage. My worst fear..The problem is i cant just get over it. I have no support from him. He says i had long enough 1yr now and i should be over it.
I ask him how can he just walk away from me,our family, our marriage, more then half our lives so easy?? I dont understand. I cant imagine walking away and acting like nothing happened.. just feels so cold and not same man ive loved and grown with all these years.
Thanks. Trying and wanting to forgive but what a roller coaster, amd still unsure.
Thank you. I have two terrible months after D-day...... Trying to get even with her.... I'm letting go...
letting go is half the battle in some instances. so glad you're trying to get better.
i think that hate is a great motivator
So good! Thank you
Even if they suffer your pain will remain. So let it go enough though it is near to impossible.
is it normal when the unfaithful spouse try'ss to take on the roll of the betrayed?
not sure what that means kris...can you expand?
I don’t know if it’s normal but I went through the same thing with my unfaithful spouse, the best advice I can give you is work on your self and empower your self
thanks you for sharing
Thank you.
Thank you
I just found out yesterday that my unfaithful husband has done this to a past wife when she was ill. I was in a bad car accident a few months ago and he started doing this at that time. He shows no remorse or regret. I'm 60 years old and can't go back to work right now. I used to be an EMT. What am I supposed to do?
hi laurel. i'm so sorry for your pain. that's a lot to handle. are you getting any help for you right now? what if you did some work on just helping you for both healing and getting yourself healthy, to be strategic in how you handle it? it may be the best move to work on you, get the perspective you need and then see about asking him to get help with you? maybe then you'll have a strategy to ask him to get help and if he refuses you can then have some boundaries in place to adjust. will he get help at all?
Ok, so I was having an affair, and my boyfriend in turn went and slept with his ex wife which is my enemy, my bf and I co existed, lost respect for each other, neglected each other. I am so hurt in a way I wish it was a complete stranger, why was it his ex wife he swears he's not going to do it again, but he also swore he hated her guts. we have to get his kids from her at least once a month. how do we go about preventing this to happen again. He said she came on to him.
and he has shared our personal problems with the ex wife, which is thrown in my face constantly, she is very disrespectful to me, and it seems as if he cowards down to her.