We need to change how we talk about "ableism"
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- Опубликовано: 9 ноя 2022
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Ableism: its a problem, but are we addressing it right?
#Ableism #Disability #Communication
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Beautiful internet friends! I wanted to clarify something: this video was in specific reference to wanting to make a long term societal change in the way individuals think about disabled people. As in, someone who has a platform & their desire is to make that change, not in everyday interactions. I'm not advocating for every conversation to be polite and kind when someone is cruel or mean in ableism - I think emotion & the expression of that is 100% justified, of course. But in large-scale, larger platform conversations about changing how society views things, I've always felt like calm & compassion are long-term effective.
...also, reading some of your comments are really eye-opening in challenging pieces of my perspective and I really appreciate that. Things I haven't thought about before. Thank you for taking. the time to share your thoughts with me, I've got a lot to think on and consider and reconsider in this subject! 😊
I can't be sure how I would feel in your place, but if I happened to be present when someone said they'd kill themselves if they lost a leg my response would be, "Sorry to hear you're such a quitter."
I don't like the word "ableism," personally, for multiple reasons. But you're video was totally fine. We're definitely in a society that likes to shut down in any disagreements and conversations and that's stupid to potentially dangerous.
Hey! @Brokenlegproblems
Happy holidays man, be as well as you may be.
Bottle in the ocean with a note to you, brokenleg
Hey Jo sorry for the random question. I'm writing a character who has a prosthetic leg. She uses a wheelchair for fencing and a prosthesis for running (she's a very active person) and I was wondering if there's any info I should know just to make it realistic, anything that I wouldn't know about with research only. Pet peeves, possible issues with breaking in a new prosthetic, etc. If you can recommend any good sources or give me a few tips I would really appreciate it :)
@@rhysb2209 I'm not Jo, but if you want character development, find out more about fencing. So far your character is not as mobile, side step and she's done.
George Bernard Shaw said, “If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas.” This is the key to conversation and learning, and exactly the point you were making.
100% agree as a deaf woman. I see this a lot in my own community too. We just gotta educate people, not shut them down. I can tell 98% of the time they don't mean to be offensive. It's just ignorance or curiosity most of the time. People can't just magically know things they don't know.
Thank you for saying this. I'm naturally a very curious person. I love learning about other cultures and, as a lingüist, I especially love learning other languages (or at least learning _about_ them). This, combined with my natural inclination to inclusivity and learning about disabilities (that's why I follow Jo, for instance) has always made me extremely curious about the deaf community and sign language. When I lived in the US for two years, I took an ASL course with a deaf instructor, and I also bought books and followed deaf RUclipsrs. But the general impression that I've gotten from members of the deaf community is "it's not our job to educate you, we're not here for you to learn about us, you can't teach ASL if you're not deaf, we might not like you because we have a tendency to have a prejudice against hearing people -due to our historial oppression and your privilege", etc. Which I tried to empathize with and respect, but sometimes it was to the point where I felt like I shouldn't approach a deaf person, ask questions, or even be interested in their language and culture at all. It felt like me signing, for example, was some kind of sacrilege or something. I ended up leaving it be and forgot most of what I had learned because I felt like I didn't have the right to "intrude" in that culture.
@@luciahoneybee I totally get it. I see it all the time online. I even get rejected from my own community sometimes because I can speak and read lips well. I grew up in the "hearing world" and never really met another deaf person in person. I was always the only deaf kid in my schools too. I'm not very fluent in sign language honestly because you have to use it all the time to be good at it. Since I never use it where I live, I am very bad at it and they don't like that. I'm too "hearing" so some of them just cast me aside. It really sucks because the hearing world sees me as deaf and different and then the deaf world sees me as hearing so I'm kind of stuck in the middle. I do follow some groups on Facebook and they were pretty accepting and it's nice to be able to relate to some people, since I can't in real life.
@@jax9763 Oh no... The fact that they would even reject another deaf person for not being fluent in sign language and label you as "too hearing"... That's terrible! They're invalidating your whole experience as a human in this world! As if there was only one way of being deaf... 🙄 I'm so sorry they cast you aside... But I'm glad that you found an inclusive community online! That's one of the good things of the internet! 😊
@@luciahoneybee unfortunately, this also applies for those like me who are hearing impaired but not really deaf. Not good enough for one, and not bad enough for the other. You'll have extreme sects like that though in every culture, and generally the people you'll actually meet will be friendly and understanding because a small-albeit vocal-minority isn't the majority.
Not related to disability but on the thread of education. One of the teachers I learnt the most from was a Muslim teacher who would let us ask him anything about Islam, he never got offended by anything (we were 13 so ofc we pushed it a bit hahaha). He didn't want us to be scared to ask anything because then we wouldn't learn the truth and still believe the misconceptions we had. His patience and understanding sure did a lot of good, and I learnt a lot from him.
Reminds me.of a flight to Cali, I took.in 2012. Had a 3 hour layover in Chicago, and spent most of it talking to a middle aged.Saudi couple. Talked about religion, our countries, and many other subjects, over.coffee.
10.years later, we still speak, and have become close frineds. Enough so that they flew to Ohio for our daughter's wedding in 2019, from SA.
I use the same approach when asked.about my missing leg. Especially when the questions come from a child. ( RL, AK.) I do it for the same reason your teacher, and my friends do. Because the question asked, and kindly responded to, encourages curiosity, and a.question answered, imparts knowledge.
@@kevinfox500 i love that story!! have a great day, internet stranger :)
This is exactly how communication and education work, sounds like a true teacher.
Coming from the other direction, my first year as a teacher, I had a Muslim student. I had never really come in contact with another Muslim (isolated mid-west girl) and was handing out treats at Christmas. My student, with grace beyond her years, refused the gift very kindly. When I questioned her, she explained it was a time of fasting for her. Now, I understand fasting from a Christian perspective and asked if this was a general fasting, or only food-related, she confirmed it was food. The next day I returned with a gift that was not food related and her eyes lit up. She had an opportunity for someone to give credence to her faith, and I had a chance to learn without insulting or being insulted.
People who are faced with a disability - either from birth or from accident/illness later in life - are inspiring. You have learned how to make adjustments in your life to meet the standards of an ableist world.
Yes to all this. However there are layers. I am both physically and mentally disabled (autism and chronic back pain to the point where some days I can't move) and I am very much an educate first type person. However I draw lines. I am a 15 year old girl in high school and the boys in my class think autism is an insult. Someone will do literally anything and they'll all yell "AUTISM" at them for an hour, I will not educate them because they know what they're doing. When a family member who knows I have chronic back pain calls me lazy on a day I can't get out of bed because of pain, I'm not educating them because they'll just laugh in my face. Some people can't be educated and I've made peace with that. I'm not everyone's teacher. I'm just a person who happens to be disabled
As a member of the deaf community. I have seen many people make mistakes when it comes to how being deaf actually works. I strive to help people learn what being deaf is, and how to be an actual ally. A video showing something like deaf, blind, and mute challenge could in fact be a huge benefit. If, they learn what it actually means, rather than just do a challenge. I challenged fellow non deaf/hoh gamers to play games a certain way last month, and only 1 person actually did it, but it was a huge thing for them to learn how it works for me. I feel, if we could learn a new way to help people learn what a disability is, without coming off as attacking them, it is a way for them to learn more compassion.
I thought this too. (Able bodied person.) I remember as a kid doing some sort of activity where we were blindfolded and had to navigate a park with the aid of another person. Afterwards there was a discussion on not just the challenges involved but things like what did we notice more because we didn't have our sight. It was a learning experience for us kids. Not saying that the challenge Jo talked about was engaged with that way but it could have been made that way.
While I guess I'm not physically disabled? (All of my leg issues are another story lmao) I am mentally disabled cause I'm autistic and I have ADHD, but one of my special interests is learning how different disabilities affect people and how it can vary within a community. But your comment mentioning about challenging able bodied people to play games a certain way (I'm assuming video games) caught my interest. Would it be ok if you tell me how the challenge works so I can do it? I don't mean to be rude or to sound completely ignorant, I'd just really like to try the challenge myself :)
@@ADHA_Palsy I am so sorry, I haven't been on youtube in a bit, but sure. The challenge was, on a video game, turn the volume down to about 10% and wear silicone ear plugs in your ears, to feel the muffled/deafness sound that many of us with a little hearing feel
Absolutely! It can help invoke empathy if done with compassion and trying to understand
@@ADHA_Palsyhey me too! AUDHD and very interested in how different people navigate the world (basically psychology & sociology)
What really sucks is when you have a friend who does ableist stuff, you take the time more than once to try to gently assume they didn't mean anything by it and show them how it's hurtful, but they just double down on feeling entitled to do the hurtful stuff. Those are friendship ending actions to me.
Yes, I'm a disabled person.
I had one. I have adhd and chronic pain. “You don’t look sick.” “We need to put you in a bubble.” Dude, just pass me the Tylenol, or try and empathize or shut up.
@@jackoh991 she meant a bubble to keep me safe from the outside world
@@jackoh991 we’re both native English speakers. She could have also said wrap me in bubble wrap and meant the same thing. Ages ago there was a boy who had to live in a bubble because he was so sick, I assume that’s what she was referring to
As a blind person who uses a guide dog, I have to educate continuously. I would’ve hoped things and perceptions would have changed over the past 40 years but they haven’t. I have to fight patronization with professionally even when I don’t want to. Jo this is a great video.
And what do you think about that challange that Jo is talking about? I am asking out of curiosity,not some malicous intent. :)
I can totally relate to this. The other half has a service dog and it's a never-ending battle to deal with ignorant people. Most folks begin to grasp the situation after a bit of explanation, but there are some who refuse to see reason and act like all dogs exist for their amusement and pleasure. ...but that's not the worst part of it as there are days when she's just too tired or in too much pain to calmly explain and educate yet one more person - I think you're describing something similar to this. Sometimes she'll let me help explain, like when someone asks why we won't share his name, but just like with anything else that challenges her it's a constant struggle for me too to not jump to help her or fight her battles for her. She eventually ordered business cards to hand out with some service dog and ADA stuff on them that she'll attempt to give to people when she's not up to dealing with them.
It'd the same things, since dawn of man. Internet, technology, and nice clothes haven't changed it. No one cares until it effects them. That's the bottom line. There is always a small % that will forever support the group, even though they have never experienced the "issue". This includes disabilities, sickness, military, first responders, or general terrible situations. Majority of the population won't support something until it directly effects them or someone they know. Just look at history. It shows repeatedly.
People can't actively look for informations about things they know nothing about, there are too many things to know in this world. But schools exist for a reason, learning about technology can wait a year of two if you learn a bit about humanity first.
@@idonotknow8503 There are so many things in the past 15 years since I've been out of public school that I've thought, wow why tf was I never taught this? And the answer is probably because of standardized testing and strict curriculums. But there are also a host of other reasons, I'm sure.
But some of them (in this case) are just things that, like, how would you even go about teaching? Would it be appropriate or even useful to have a whole class where you learn about disabilities and how people adapt? Maybe it would, idk. I feel like because of the exact issue this video has brought up, nobody would want to touch it with a 10 foot pole in fear of getting it 5% wrong and someone losing their mind. You can't argue about the water cycle but you can sure argue about the best way to help a disabled person. And if it's coming from someone who isn't disabled it may as well be the same as holding a live grenade.
I am able bodied. I grew up with family and friends who had both visible and non-visible dis-abilities. Seeing the challenges they faced made me aware of problems encountered prior to the ADA being passed. Pushing my buddy Dennis' wheelchair up the overly long steep ramp at school was a chore for me and no way he could do it himself.
I now work in the construction industry and frequently join in the conversation when it becomes about how expensive or difficult it is to install or retrofit existing conditions for access requirements. Having seen the improvements to peoples lives and independence gained due to curb cuts/ramps/handrails, accessible parking, braille signage, vibrating cross walk buttons/chirping signs, and on & on, I do my best to educate those in the conversation as to why these expenses are so valuable, even the able community. Suffering a broken leg, I had a temporary placard for only two months and what a difference it made being able to park close to where I had to go.
And as you said, as an advocate, I do my best to make the tone as education and not telling them they are wrong. My aunt had a heart condition and could tire easily from walking so used the accessible parking with her placard. She got cussed out because people couldn't see her condition. She was old school and not nearly as careful with her choice of words. I swear there were times her retired navy husband would blush at the language she used. While she might have got her point across in a not as healthy way, I can understand how she got tired of having to do so.
Oh boy, the ADA regulations on the steepness of ramps is crazy. I've been to places where they'll have the huge long queue along a ramp and label it as accessible, when the reality is it's a challenge to get up that steepness and 1m is about the maximum practical and stopping and starting on a ramp is near impossible, as soon as you let go you head backwards.
When people get negative about including "costly" accommodations for accessibility they are forgetting or ignorant of the fact that near 100% of people will count as "disabled" at some point in their life. Whether it's injury, illness, or old age, it will almost assuredly be an issue for every person.
Thank you for your advocacy, and your aunt sounds awesome. ❤️😆👍
As someone with OCD, I feel like there’s a particularly stubborn and widely-held misconception about what I have. A misconception I used to have too, which delayed me being able to seek treatment for it because I didn’t know what it actually was. I don’t think I’ve ever yelled at anybody or been confrontational about it. But I have tried to gently and objectively educate friends and family who say things like “I’m so OCD.” It makes it hurt worse when they have been told it’s wrong to say that, but they do it anyway afterwards… yeah, I wanna yell sometimes.
It’s kinda the same with ADD/ADHD I see so many people say they have ADHD just because they talk a lot or because they are forgetful
I have adjustment disorder with OCD tendencies and I hate it when people say "I'm so OCD!". I had my obsessions called "quirks" before and that upset me a lot.
It's so also quite confusing that you can also have obsessive-compulsive personality and it might be difficult to discern those two.
So I had a stroke that effected my linguistic ability.
Every time I hear "I sometimes can think of the correct word too sometimes", "I have that because I am old",...
Fucking livid, almost every time. I am trying at these people with I know what they are trying to say and compassion.
However, the qualia of having a fucking stroke, and forgetting a word is completely different. Trust me, I know what both feel like.
Les - Nickelodeon host Marc Summers has OCD as well. It ultimately got him fired because back then it wasn’t considered a mental illnesses. Thankfully he was resourceful and creative to produce his own series of shows on the Food Channel where he called the shots and could be in control and deal with his OCD with minimal issues. You should look him up.
The thing I've noticed in the past recent years as part of the disabled community (I'm in a wheelchair) is that as a community we've become more aggressive and confrontational and started to close off communication. If we want people to understand us we have to put ourselves out there and have uncomfortable (and civil) conversations. People won't be able to understand us if all we do is close ourselves off and or come off as aggressive. I myself I'm very open with my disability and it's challenges with anyone who asks. I want people to understand me and others like me so that the communities that we live in can be beneficial to everybody. I can't do that if I'm filled with aggression and unwilling to put myself out there.
I am in a wheelchair, and this is something that has always bothered me about other people who are disabled. I have always been open to talking about my situation if you can be kind, respectful, etc. Most other people that I have met or watched/listened to online go off on people for asking questions & being curious like there is something wrong with wanting to learn something about people who are different than them. Some questions may be too personal, which is understandable. There are definitely certain aspects of my situation that I would prefer not to talk about. It is absolutely okay to set boundaries, but I think shutting people down or biting their head off for respectfully asking a question for the sake of wanting to learn something is not okay.
@@hollypfingston8173 yes exactly!!!! Spot on!!! It's just insane how guarded the community's gotten its kind of scary.
@@hollypfingston8173 Some of us don't want to be educators for people badly mannered enough to ask why I'm in a wheelchair. I just wanna go about my day. If my saying "I'd rather not talk about that" to a random stranger is considered rude or aggressive, so be it.
@@saltycrunch that is a perfect response if you'd rather not talk about it. I just don't think we should automatically be angry or put off by someone asking a question. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, and it is never okay for a person to push or pry if you say no. But I don't think we need to bite at someone for being curious or wanting to learn something.
@@saltycrunch 100% agree w| you. that's valid + you should be allowed to feel that way + not be an educator. it's not your job. nobody can demand that intellectual or emotional labor from you, especially not those perpetuating the ableism.
plus. if politeness + educating people w| compassion was the solution ableism wouldn't exist. we'd have already defeated it.
but that's not realistic. that's just tone policing + expecting disabled people to do free labor to politely baby ableist people.
I have to remind myself that not everyone has exposure to disability so it's not something they're consciously aware of. Mistakes will happen. People will do or say something harmful without intending harm. Intent matters and if they're open to a conversation? I respect that and give them the benefit of the doubt. At least I try to. I'm not always successful. Somedays I'm too tired or in too much pain and my sarcasm gets the best of me. I do think trying to assume that not all ignorance is willful or intentionally hurtful gives me more peace of mind.
Being angry is exhausting and my energy is limited.
You make such a great point. I know I've been guilty of asking "stupid" questions of the transgender community when I was ignorant of the condition, but I was fortunate to meet somebody patient, kind, and brave enough to respond to my questions with sincerity, and I learned. Because of that, when a family member later came out to me as transgender, I was more knowledgeable and better able to respond to them with understanding and acceptance right away, instead of having to burden them with uncomfortable explanations at such a difficult and tumultuous time in their life. Asking genuine questions (questions motivated by the desire to learn) leads to knowledge, and knowledge is the cure for ignorance.
I definitely understand when members of a minority community express exhaustion over questions that they get asked all the time. In the age of the internet, there are resources out there that can offer insight in which people outside that community can educate themselves. However, sometimes it’s easier to ask a creator or someone IRL a more direct question, and allowing the question to be an opportunity to educate rather than shame can be incredibly helpful. It’s difficult to re-examine how one thinks when they’re on the defensive from insults and accusations.
Still, I think there needs to be an effort from the question-asker to try and understand why members from a community might not react well to a question, even if their intent wasn’t malicious. Empathy works in both directions; we can’t ask someone to be pleasant and accommodating in a difficult conversation if we’re not willing to understand where the frustration of explaining the same concept over and over comes from.
(As a note, I’m referring to questions of genuine curiosity, not provoking ones or clearly insulting ones)
I really appreciated this input
I agree, this is a really good point. I've definitely had interesting experiences with this as a disabled person IRL.
I totally agree that if the intention is to change perceptions then yelling, judging and shaming people isn't the best way to go about it!
Also, in my experience (I have many chronic conditions and disabilities, cos, hey! why have only one when you can have loads, and they're all more or less invisible) often non-disabled people who try to "help out" or "defend" the disabled community usually just end up picking on people like me who use a disabled parking space but aren't in there eyes "worthy" because you can't see the pain and it's assumed that all wheelchair users have to be paralysed...
Gotta catch'em all.
I'm in the same boat, lol. My dad is also super self conscious of his parking sticker, because both of us have invisible disabilities. When we get out of the car, neither of us look deserving of the item that lessens the likelihood of us passing out or experiencing so much pain that we end up bedridden when we get home or simply can't complete what we set out to do (I always have to go with him when he goes out, and I can't drive due to narcolepsy). His paranoia has become especially bad from watching so many Karen compilation videos.
yep chronic illnesses are like Pokémon
people have had there cars vandalised for parking in the disabled spot with a sticker and not looking disabled enough
The struggle is real on the other side of the coin too. I've been with my other half for over 20 years and I STILL have to stop myself from jumping to do things for her or help her fight her battles. She's defiant and proud and feels a constant need to prove herself so she rarely asks for help, and when she does it's often after she's overdone it and will need several days to recover. It's a difficult balancing act to judge when to offer help to prevent her from hurting herself or breaking things and staying out of her way so that she gains strength and experience from whatever she's doing. It took several years for me to assure her and for her to believe that I'm her biggest fan, not her biggest doubter. ...and as said, even after 20 years, I'm still learning how to navigate some situations.
I had a friend with an invisible disability that kept a cane in her car. She'd use the cane when parking in a disabled spot to avoid the hostile virtue signalers lol. Worked like a charm.
I have been without my right leg below the knee (just like Jo) for 19 years this December 19th. I became invisible to many of my "friends" when I was diagnosed with cancer. People acted like it was something they could catch from me. I basically went through chemo & the surgery alone. My husband had suddenly passed away 5 years before & I have no family. If I hadn't tried to make jokes about what was going with me I would have curled up & died.
Darn, sorry to hear that. I had an acquaintance decades ago who also was a cancer survivor and whole-leg amputee, and we skydived at the same parachute center. We both did our first standup landings the same day and somehow he got a lot more celebration than I did... but mostly he was just one of the gang.
So one day he was showing off the tailoring he'd done, and arriving late I asked, "Hey Steve, is that your new jumpsuit?" He flipped it over, showing that it only had three appendages- "It's no-one else's!" I led with my chin on that one...
@@r0cketplumber Thank you for the empathy its nice to hear every once in awhile.
Still having that happen?
I hope it is going better.
I agree with you. I was surprised at how many friends and family that backed away when I became disabled.
I was really shocked at how once I couldn't go out, hang out, etc, I wasn't worth their friendship. What really got me was the family that backed off. They can't see pain so they don't understand.
However, I'm extremely lucky. I have an amazing husband, children and grandchildren. I e built a life online, I know run a book blog and I'm happy.
That's so sad. Did you feel like you were the only one reaching out to them and not really getting anything back?
Do you think a lot of them just didn't know how to talk about disability and felt uncomfortable reaching out to you and felt it easier to avoid completely and find new friends?
I'm glad you're happy now and found your community, but that sucks
@@sssophie9292 yes, I was able to call people, but couldn't help them or do things with them anymore. They just couldn't understand what they couldn't see.
It also turned out, I found out 10yd later that I have a rare breathing condition. However by that point it was mostly just my husband and nearly grown children.
I took a risk about 4 yrs ago and started a Facebook profile. I went into many author groups as reading is a main coping mechanism I have. 3yrs ago I started a book blog. I thought I'd be lucky to get 100 members. I'm now at almost 1.8K I've made some good friends who are also disabled in the same groups.
@@mamawnamidreviews9978 well take care, I'm glad you found a way to share your passion with others and I'm just sorry that people didn't take the time to listen and understand and heal those friendships
@@sssophie9292 thank you, all the best to you.
I don't know if this is totally related, but I have chronic pain and had a really high-pain day, but no restroom stalls with grab bars were available. To double-check, I asked one of my friends who just came out of a stall to check. Then, as I waited for an accessible stall, we got into a conversation about how grab bars would be an easy, not super expensive, one-time way to make stalls accessible to me, and they don't even go more far out than the toilet paper dispensers. How there should be more than one accessible stall when there are eight stalls in the restroom. We then got into talking about the sink, paper towel, and trash can placement, because it's hard to use my mobility aids with wet hands. Those things are something that impacts me daily, but my friend was so curious because she never had to think about restroom accessibility. Sometimes it's easy for me to forget that not everyone thinks about or is knowledgeable about accessibility issues and I'm glad I had the energy to answer their questions instead of being annoyed and telling them to stop talking because I'm frustrated and in pain.
Nope nah ah no more serious talks
The doggos have deemed it to be cuddle time so therefore cuddles must be given
Can't believe this was going round as the deaf, blind mute challenge 😳 I actually watched a RUclipsr I subscribe to do it and possible ableist notions did not occur to me and as a disabled person I would usually pick up on them, I think because they definitely didn't use the name of the trend or liken it to the real life of experience of being blind, deaf or mute and framing it as an exercise in seeing how well they could work as a team, how effectively they could communicate. I don't know if this was intentional but shows you can make your entertainment without reinforcing ableism.
Thank you. One of my least favorite things is when people appoint themselves the “disability police”, particularly in the area of handicapped parking. People need those spots for all different reasons (breathing disorders, pain disorders) that may not involve a mobility aid or be visually obvious. Also, if you have a placard rather than a handicapped plate, you can’t use it while driving and may forget to put it up when you park. Too many people decide it is their job to berate people (or worse, key their cars!) or whatever because they don’t know a person’s situation. STAHHHHP IT!!!! While not currently physically disabled, I have been in the past and people can be AWFUL in the name of “standing up for the disabled.”
This isn’t about ableism or disability specifically, but I remember once when I was a kid (still grade school level) I saw a woman with vitiligo, and because it was my first time seeing anyone with it or even hearing of it at all, I asked why her skin looked like that. I wasn’t disgusted or acting like it was weird, just curious because I didn’t know what it was. My mom berated me the entire drive home and even ranted to my dad about how rude I was. It really confused me because she didn’t even explain why that was bad, just that it was rude.
I have always disliked these adults' reaction, even as a disabled kid. I think genuine curiosity is respectful and compassionate, and I'm usually quite happy to answer with at least a short explanation. The adults' reaction, however, is dehumanizing and demoralizing to me. The best way I've found to deal with it is a gentle "it's okay for children/people to be curious."
I didn’t know I was disabled or damaged until my boyfriend’s mom had him breakup with me because of being a Type 1 Diabetic. He did this when I was 18yrs old.
It spiralled me and I ended up marrying the first guy that asked…BIG MISTAKE!!
I wish people weren’t so ignorant as to what they’re saying. I felt like I was damaged in some way because of being diabetic. Wish people would think real hard before they say or do something that could cause hurt or even deep hurt in someone. Hugs Jo.🤗
it's absolutely HUGE to point out that no individual is ever expected to provide all of that compassionate educational information every single time something happens to them. a lot of the time you don't just have it in you. but the alternative isn't necessarily to lash out, sometimes you've just gotta drop it and walk away from things cause you can't offer that compassion. you don't always have to. sometimes you can just go hop on discord and say mean things about the bus driver who didn't wait to let you sit down before driving away and almost made you fall over cause you use a rollator and the wheels were wet from melty snow
In the case of the bus driver, that was unprofessional and, of course, dangerous for you-whether it was from the driver not noticing or not caring. So, it's important to report something like that to the transit authority so another person isn't injured.
It's not easy to put aside our anger and address a problem in a more practical manner. So often, when we feel hurt or oppressed, our natural instinct is to go on the defense. And while some people certainly deserve to be held accountable for their actions, some people may not have bad intentions, like you mentioned. It's okay to feel hurt or upset or offended by a person's actions or words, especially if you've felt that way for a long time. But we need to shelve our emotions in order to actually find a solution to the problem we are facing.
As someone who is disabled, I understand folks' frustration. We have to deal with a lot of crap and ridiculous comments from people--some of whom don't know any better and some of whom should or do know better. And it can be grating and emotionally exhausting, which doesn't help our lives when we already live with so many barriers. THAT SAID, as someone with a Master's in Conflict Transformation & Social Justice (+ lived experience) I can affirm that your approach is the only way that systems change can actually happen. Most of the time, we need to assume the best of people (which is SUPER difficult...and unless already proven otherwise with them) and seek common ground and understanding as a starting point for any hard conversation. When you're able to meet somewhere where they're at and assume a lack of ill-will--then you can start bringing them along with you. That does take a lot of time and energy (and many of us have a limited supply of that!) but if there are enough folks approaching these conversations in that way, that's when it'll really start amounting to something. Thanks for posting this!
I love this comment!
I think the problem with responding to unintentional ableism with hostility is that the ableist can now say “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, but you meant to hurt me, therefore you must be in the wrong”
And like Jo said, it’s not fair that the people who are being put down have to constantly be understanding and teach others the same lesson over and over. But attacking someone will probably just make them defensive.
We can always count on Jo to give a measured view on really any topic. Also, she must be an amazing owner, because her pups really dote on her.
I totally understand where you're coming from, and if you have the mental capacity to educate and such, that's great, but also, invoke allies, people you trust and have them stand up for you sometimes. because on top of dealing with whatever disability it may be that generally speaking is accompanied by some kind of discomfort/ pain or difficulty or decreased energy, it's totally valid to not have that capacity and ask someone near you to advocate for you or stand up for the community. I absolutely love your attitude and wanting to meet people with compassion and give people the benefit of the doubt in intent, that's absolutely wonderfull and I think you're right in the fact that that is the way to long term change, but you are also allowed to protect your peace and sometimes not have to deal with it and have someone deal with it for you. Hope this makes sense and isn't offensive in any way, that wasn't my intent in any way.
Theres a mosque just a few blocks away from my apartment with the phrase "Positive Education Always Corrects Errors" painted on its sidewalk. I've kept that motto with me ever since I moved to this city. Whether it is something like ableism, racism, or transphobia, offering warmth and understanding has a chance to change even the most closed minds. Its not an easy undertaking for those being marginalized to turn the other cheek and keep smiling, but positive change requires patience, kindness, and education to break through people's inherited biases.
I think it's kind of a both type situation. My disabilities are mostly invisible so I don't get the random questions as often but for the most part I agree that a non-confrontational response is more likely to actually change someone's behaviour.
At the same time there is absolutely no obligation for disabled people to be nice and kind to the assholes, nor to educate everyone all the time.
There really isn't a right answer. I think the best option right now is to be polite and assume good intentions for those who are polite, be firm about refusing to educate if you choose not to at any point and be a blunt as you want to those who are assholes about it.
This is a conversation you can see happening in every marginalised community. You're right, being aggressive is unhelpful, but it's also that people are exhausted from having to say the same thing 5000 times.
It would be interesting to talk to non-disabled people about interactions they've had with disabled people and see how many examples of cool responses to questions they can come up with versus bad interactions they've had.
Because unfortunately the way the human mind works is we concentrate on problems/bad things. Ask any RUclipsr, they get 1000 supportive comments but then the 20 mean comments are all they seem to think about. So if they are indeed forgetting all the really great interactions with disabled people but remembering the bad, that really isn't on the entire disabled community to fix.
I care deeply for the disabled community as I am also disabled person as well. I hear comments all the time about my physical disability or people feel like I am faking it or be shocked to know I suffer with a spinal cord injury every day of my life and when they see me walking that I must be faking it when that is so far from the truth, I feel like I am being judged every time I am out in public. There needs to be more of an awareness of people who have all different disabilities and so it changes public perception. Thanks for making this video Jo.
One time when I was working at Walmart years ago there was this woman started yelling at me because she saw a teenager using a mobility scooter. She yelled, no joke for 17 minutes because I wouldn't "DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT" like lady, the kid could have a heart problem, or a bone condition, or literally anything but because he was a teen and had all his limbs he was a delinquent who I should deal with. After staring her down and refusing to so much as talk to the kid she got angry and stormed off to find a manager. I did keep an eye on the kid just incase this unhinged woman decided to "deal with him" herself. She did complain about me but my manager was like "What did she expect a cashier to do?" Even if it was a kid with no problem, I can't just tell people they can't use the scooters.
I totally agree, in real life, when I'm interrupted during my daily life by someone being ableist, I don't always react in the best way because the feelings in that moment are strong or I'm even in danger, but afterwards, on my own terms, trying to educate people about ableism, I think being kind and compassionate is truly the way to go and have changed the minds of a lot of my friends online and in real life.
No one has ever gained any rights by being polite and amicable.
This is a great point for two communities that I am involved with, the disability and climate change communities. Both of these communities have a hard time not straight up blaming people for being ignorant, unsympathetic, bad people. People only know what they know and they are only willing to change their beliefs when a trusted individual is willing to have a hard discussion with them. Whether that's through a book because someone is interested in changing themselves or a person in their lives says, "hey, here's how that comes off, even if you didn't mean it that way. Let's talk about it." Yelling at someone just makes them shut down.
Yelling can even make someone do the opposite of what you want them to. I've seen a lot of criticism for people who buy fast fashion and no helpful information on alternatives.
If you're yelling at me because I bought a new coat from H&M, I'll get one from shein next time. Or I'll tell you that at least. If you explain that H&M aren't great environmentally and offer a budget friendly better option I'm more likely to listen. I'm very unlikely to listen if the response to my what's the alternative question is "just buy second hand" or "buy this fantastic coat that costs more than your rent". Neither are helpful.
Those two things are entirely different. Climate change is, in a nutshell, caused by capitalism which has led us to believe it's all our fault when it's actually just a few percent. It's easier than implementing new laws and it's deflecting responsibility from the real culprits. It is nothing like ableism. We can fool ourselves to make us feel better, but that's it. We can try to make people aware of the problem, but it will change absolutely nothing.
@@katfoster845 100%. I've been getting all my clothes from ThredUp recently. It's online like Amazon but everything is second hand and super affordable. It's the best alternative I've found because it takes serious time and dedication to find exactly what you need in your size at a thrift store if they even have it at all.
@@dominikabazyca8732 I was only comparing how people in both communities can yell at others outside of the community in a way that is unhelpful for actually changing peoples mind. Yelling won't get you anywhere regardless of the cause. Climate change and the disability community are also different in a lot of ways too. I agree with you on that.
Disability needs to be better understood by able-bodied people. My mother is a woman of deep faith and wants to go to church every week. Unfortunately, she has explored within a one hour driving radius of where we live, and they do not have ramps or elevators or something for disabled people to enter the building, with one exception… one with mildew problems. I feel for her. She has tried so hard to find a place to go. She finally gave up.
My mother lost a leg a couple years ago and your videos have helped us both. We watched them together. Now she has to lose her other leg and she is distraught. She is considering death instead of amputation. Partly because she believes she would be a greater burden on me. She couldn't be more wrong. I don't know what to do or say. I just don't want to lose my mom.
I know many have similar stories. Writing this out helps a little, but I am so scared.
have you told her that?
I’m happy to talk to anyone about anything to do with being an amputee, the only time I get resentful is when people want to put me on a pedestal because I’m disabled. For some reason that really rubs me the wrong way, it’s like they think I had every negative aspect of myself chopped off along with my leg. I find myself trying to tell people what a shit person I still am, ridiculous! as I am practically perfect in every way. 😜
You made me laugh saying about any negative points about your personality. I often find people either treat me like a lepar as if they can catch my disability if they get too close or they treat me like I am the bravest, strongest, hardest work etc person they know. I hope we can get to a stage that people understand that some things are tough for us but we are no different from anyone else in many ways. Making adaptations to buildings, being patient with us because it may take us a bit longer, understanding we may be fatigued and/or in pain can be so helpful and appreciated. Also we may be having a bad day and just being a bit of an arse!
I have ADHD so my “issue” is invisible. Drives me up the wall when it’s used as a joke or otherwise invalidated. To the point telling people I have it irl feels like a joke or that it’s not serious. But it is serious. I’m thankful it doesn’t get me put on a pedestal, at least.
@@janiexoxo Hi @Janie, my son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 8, it has been hard for him too. People don't understand they think he should just try harder. He spent one year at school sitting on a bench outside the classroom as his teacher couldn't handle his questions. He's still passionately curious and wow does he focus in on things that interest him. I'm so proud of him, He's an incredible man now. He has a different outlook on life and the world that I don't always get and sometimes worries me, I know he will be OK though. He's resilient like his mum.
Dear Jo. Yesterday was the 11 month anniversary of the day I became a RBK amputee. I got my prosthetic around October 1st last year, I'm going in to get examined for a new socket this Monday.
I started walking with a normal gait two weeks after I got the leg. It seemed normal to me, with no basis for comparison but my therapist at the. VA and my prosthetic guy, acted like it was something really spectacular. I think walking is spectacular beyond words so, maybe they're right.
But the big wow moment was when I discovered your channel about six weeks ago.
You have been an inspiration to me, showing me there were things not only possible but easily done with nothing more than a little determination.
If anybody wants to call you names, you just send them my way and this old Marine will show them how to deliver well deserved insults.
You have been a true Godsend to me and I'm sure there are a lot of new amputees out there who agree with me.
Thank you for every video you put out, I love you, my wife loves you, God loves you. Thank you for all the help and have an OUTSTANDING day!
There's a saying here in Brazil that says "If you can't help, don't get in the way" and it describes perfectly these situations. At the end it'll only trigger anger and it may cause someone that was open to learning to close their doors to it.
My husband lost his foot in April this yr. Already back to a grunt job working on an airline ramp. But he is having problems because both the union and airline aren't sure on how to handle him but he can still do his job fine. Long story short ,he is feeling what maybe this ability. It's all still new to us but he has told me that it's your video that helped him recover so quickly. Thank you
Agreed. I know someone struggling with mobility right now and it's hard to bring it up in every setting when others don't even acknowledge it. So frustrating and it's not even me. I try to voice when I feel like it's not putting a focal point on their struggle, but also feel like I shouldn't be the only one who hangs back with them or drops them at the door or just gets them a glass of water. Your content helps me to be more aware and i appreciate that. 💙
This video made me think of something i heard in a TV series that "people have to be allowed to ask those stupid question, because if they don't, they will start to come up with their own answers to them and that even more dangerous".
It wasn't about abelism though, but about homophobia and Islamophobia and I think it might translate well to any group that are discriminated against.
I honestly really agree with you. This is precisely why I encourage people to ask questions. I will only not answer if you are being rude/creepy/invasive about things and I will never see you again (like customers at work asking what’s wrong with me) or if I am low on spoons and don’t have the energy to answer. But I would much much rather someone ask a slightly offensive question and me be able to correct that that them continue to make that assumption about me or other disabled people who are similar to me. (Like a lot of people assume I us a cane due to an injury and while yes this is sometimes true, it is not the main reason I use one and for a lot of others this is also true). But 100% if you are sitting down and taking the energy to make a formal response to ableist things as a creator on the internet. Be educated on that thing, be calm and in the right headspace, don’t shame or blame, and know the difference between someone being ignorant about their actions and being malicious about them. I hope this Makes any sense I am slightly brain dead and can barely see what I’m typing lol (don’t have my reading glasses on)
All questions are good to ask, it's the way you choose to ask who can be problematic.
Yes!!! 🥇
Great points you brought up. As someone who has a service dog, and an invisible disability, I can only go so long correcting people on their assumptions when they challenge me while I'm in public spaces. I've now come up with a new way to respond: I politely say to them, "I'll just give you a moment to observe completely..." Aside from that, I commonly ask people why they assumed my SD isn't a SD, even though he has a vest AND a leash attachment. Then I suggest to them that a better way to approach someone about their dog is to ask right off the bat if their dog is a SD. Then I educate them on what they are legally allowed to ask. Still, again, if I am challenged a few times in the same day or at the same venue, I can get snippy. So I ask people to be understanding of disabled people not having the best reaction.
I think abled people are also the cause of that. By that I mean the people who put service vests on their non-service animals so they can take them places dogs aren't normally allowed. It makes people suspicious of service dogs and the people who have them, and prone to be a vigilante. Which puts two layers of ableism onto people who are just trying to be mobile and go about their lives.
I can't imagine being harassed multiple times in a day for just existing somewhere that people can see you, and not getting aggravated and snippy. I'd probably make up cards with a website listed and offer it. "Here's a site about service dogs and laws protecting the disabled, so you can learn about it." Or something like that, just so I could reign in my frustration and anger.
@@HobiCat that's a great idea about the cards!
Oh thank goodness. I thought I was the only person left who thought that the scolding and haranguing and sneering responses to anyone who puts a foot wrong on the Internet is less than helpful. I often wonder if the scolder's object is really to make the world better or to broadcast how compassionate and evolved they are themselves.
I've never expressed that opinion to anyone for fear that I would be labeled a hater, an enemy of social justice, and a fair target to be destroyed in whatever way they saw fit.
I agree with what you've said. I try to be calm, cool, and rational and educate those who were willing to listen. I'm not perfect obviously and I've had times I've lost my temper and just told someone off but for the most part, I've learned that if I take a step back and collect myself and then educate them it goes much better.
I am a guide dog user and before that a white cane user and I am also autistic and have found that while I agree with you that we could be more compassionate, kind, accommodating to those that are different from us whether that be disabled or not as humans we have a lot of growing up to do. I was genuinely asking a question about service dogs that are not guide dogs because there are different standards on another channel and got my head bit off for not only disagreeing after saying multiple times I was not trying to be disrespectful or rude but I wanted to know how a service dog could alert from a stroller after being called names I basically walked away from it and made it clear that I would go else where to find information without getting yelled at. So I do understand both sides I just feel like sometimes as disabled people we get tired of being nice, we get tired of being the one to be explain and I feel like even in our own community we jump down other peoples throats who are genuinely curious about others disablilites because it is so different than our own.
Definitely agree here. When I try and talk to people about communities I'm part of I always find it important to remember to assume ignorance, not malice. Shooting down people who are asking genuine questions or did something without realizing how it came across is only going to make them double down on their previous assumptions and be less willing to change. Or, like mentioned it the video, they could be afraid to ask questions, which results in them still not learning. Progress is made by having a conversation, not by having an argument or shutting down people who are trying to learn.
I think you're 100% right. Unfortunately people do tend to be ignorant on communities they aren't apart of, and while research in this day and age is remarkably easy and should not fall on the shoulders of marginalized people trying to live their day to day life, if you're calling shit out online, polite education should be the go to response. And if you have the spoons to do it irl, it helps a lot too. I had a great conversation today at work bc I have a service dog who just started coming to work with me, and I explained to a woman today that as cute as my dog is, he's working and should not be distracted by talking to him. She had asked why bc someone else had previously told her off but she didn't understand why she couldn't baby talk to the dog. Thankfully she understands now and I told her that she was probably the 10th person that that other handler had to deal with that day and was understandably frustrated. Here's hoping I gave her enough understanding to explain to other abled bodied people why you shouldn't distract a service dog
God, I was just the other day discussing the value of mail-in ballot voting- ( I think everyone ought to be allowed to choose it), I've been voting that way for years because of my disability and I think it's great. And I instantly was smacked in the face with this comment saying.
"Well that crap's good enough for people like you- but young healthy people have no excuse for using it"
Just ouch. Top to bottom ouch.
I'm young, and healthy...and I'm disabled. Lots of people are.
plus I have to put up with people looking at me and making shitty snap judgments about my youth and health, and being perceived as 'lazy'.
I mean I don't agree with this person at all- but I realize they were probably trying to (very poorly) defend disability rights against "greedy", "lazy" people "appropriating" our acomadations.
But me snapping back at the comment, I know in my heart of hearts will do more harm than good. There's ablism in our society that is just going to take slow and consistent progress to fix- and I can keep speaking up- but yelling tends to just make people stop listening.
With the voting thing in particular, it's not necessarily out of laziness that someone who is young, healthy, and non-disabled might not vote on election day. Maybe they can't afford to take time off of work and have a double shift that day or two jobs. Maybe they're a full time caretaker for young children, or for someone else who is disabled or ill. Maybe they don't have a car and can't get to their polling place without one. Maybe they just feel like they will make better decisions if they can sit down with their ballot in their own home and take their time about filling it out.
And the thing about mail in voting, like many other accomodations, is that it's helpful to way more people than it was originally designed to serve. And when something is just there and available, anybody who needs it can use it, no questions asked
Watch those people toss in a mail in ballot and become addicted the moment it goes in the box. And then they'll still probably call young people lazy.
In Washington State, we used to have in person only primaries, but our elections are mail in only. In 2018, we finally got to put in our two cents on if the primaries should be in person, they opened up a website for us to submit our thoughts and vote if it should be changed to mail in. The local government (the DNC was in charge of the poll but the RNC would follow what the DNC did) had originally said they didn't intend to actually change it, rationalizing that people would prefer being able to debate each other in person and that disabled people had access to mail in if they wanted to request a ballot. I didn't even know about that, and had suffered through the 2016 primary.
Basically almost everyone who put in a response demanded they change to a mail in only primary. It was more convenient to everyone, and we were already addicted to it.
Though with COVID 19 coming along shortly after, we would have had mail in only by the 2020, anyway.
@@harmonicaveronica I completely agree
I agree with making things more accessible but I disagree with mail in ballots for elections. How do they verify that it is you that is voting? How do they confirm that you have only voted once, especially if more than one person in the same house hold is voting with mail in ballots? How do they verify and protect against tampering after you have mailed the ballot?
Polling stations should be situated at accessible locations and maybe have specific days set aside for disabled individuals to vote so they are able to do comfortably and safely. Or maybe have someone come door to door with the ballot for individuals unable to travel, whether they are disabled or not.
@@bluewrites2278 I voted by mail in 2020, and it was triple enveloped. The outside envelope had postal information. The middle envelope had an identifying barcode, so they would know it was me who was voting. The inner envelope was a "secrecy envelope", which made it so that the ballot was anonymous once removed from the identifying envelope. Also, it would be obvious if any/all of the 3 envelopes had been opened. While yes, my partner could've technically filled out a ballot on my behalf and sent in two copies of his vote, I would've noticed and been very angry with him, and I think the same would be true in most households. I could see it happening in situations of control/abuse, but in that case an abuser can pressure someone into voting the same as them even if they vote in person.
As for having special days - yes, also that! It's called early voting, and many states have that option. Where I live you can go to the county offices during business hours up to 6 weeks before the election, and there are additional locations where you can vote in the week before the election, including the Saturday before. It's a good option not just for disabled people, but anyone who will be busy or out of town for election day.
Also, you can in special circumstances have an agent pick up and hand deliver an absentee ballot for you if you are suddenly unable to go to the polls (mostly, this happens if someone is hospitalized or otherwise in inpatient treatment, but there are a few other circumstances)
Joe, I am a below the knee amputee and I would love to speak with you on your struggles. I have had the same thing happen, and trust me there is hope! Phantom pain can go away and will. It is caused by something you would never think. Id love to be able to speak with you directly. The things I have learned and lived with and all the above was so frustrating and debilitating, But I promise there is a fix and it is super easy.
Browsing Disability Twitter for a few months left me confused and afraid to say anything, and I'm disabled. Many of the people posting seem to have 100% conviction in their opinions with no room for nuance. They view countless everyday words and phrases as deliberately ableist, continually speak on behalf of entire communities in regards to preferred language/treatment, and... I don't know, it left me wondering if I have a problem to fix (i.e. internalised ableism) or whether my instincts are correct and that - and I don't like using this phrase - some people just take things too far and in doing so make life with a disability much more harder than it already is. Like I use humour sometimes to lighten things up, but reading certain tweets made me feel guilty for just taking lighthearted digs at myself. I'm still not quite right but I ended up taking a looong break from Twitter. So from my experience, discussions around ableism tend to be closed-off, tense and akin to walking on eggshells. And then I'd put a bet on that someone somewhere has already deemed "walking on eggshells'' an ableist phrase meaning I'm an awful person for reinforcing ableist norms or something. I don't know, I'm tired and confused by a lot of (imo absurd) claims and off-putting attitudes.
This is something very important to talk about and also is a rough subject. It's all so so complicated. I try to do as such too whenever I hear ableism, homophobia, etc. I was once ignorant too and I'm sure I've said or done not great things in the past. It's all about learning from that. Of course there will always be people who do care and just don't know, and there will be people who don't care and don't care to know. It is hard to figure out what intentions people have especially online. Sometimes if you try talking to them it will be like talking to a brick wall but sometimes the other person will listen and care to understand.
Before I start, I'm in no way saying that these experiences are alike, however the learning process is very similar.
Being part of the black community, the LGBTQ community and having a noticeable tick, it's always encouraging to see and hear people in conversation rather than put the other side down. When people consider their own comments and can reflect it is usually more successful than just shutting them down without knowing why.
I'm still learning, and I look to people like Jo to challenge misconceptions I have. I hope to be a better person for it.
One of my disabilities is severe autism and so I not only have no filter and don’t understand boundaries. I also often talk about inappropriate things to strangers at inappropriate times. And I don’t like people, I hate being around people and especially strangers talking to me. Also. On the topic your talking about. Last week I was in my wheelchair, with my assistance dog outside the shops about to go inside. A lady who was waiting started talking to me as I rolled past. She started telling me her daughter is training a dog blah blah blah. I said to her “I’m having a bad day, please leave me alone” and she started screaming at me saying “screw you you fucking bitch”. My 3 problems with ableism is everyone stares at me as at the moment I don’t always “look disabled”. People treating me and my assistance dog like we are part of a sideshow, that it’s my job to entertain them. And that people constantly assume I can’t do things, and that I need an able bodied persons help. Yes sometimes I do. But if I do need help I ask for it. And it makes no sense to me that if I go somewhere in my wheelchair with just cookie that I need help. If I couldn’t take care of myself and my dog while out alone, why would I be out alone? Makes no sense to me.
Disabled here, and I definitely agreee with this perspective. While aggressive/confrontational-style call outs can certainly grab attention , I feel like we can make so much more progress as a community having dialogue with others. Unfortunately, I think that these comments end up doing more harm than good, leading to a generalized/further stigmatization of the disabled community (“demanding too much”). Its not right that it happens, but it does.
I had a similar experience about the ALS ice bucket challenge. I had just lost my aunt to ALS and I was pretty mad. She was 46, use to run 5ks, and had two boys who were 13 and 15 at the time. I was just so mad at the world for taking my aunt who never hurt a fly, who made sure her boys, one of whom is autistic, had everything in life and stood her ground at school board meetings and everything else. I was taking a marketing class in the summer and the idea of these trends were presented, and at the time it was the ice bucket challenge. I remember leaving the room thinking how did teenagers pouring ice on their body help my aunt?? Then it hit me a few weeks later. It was a MARKETING class. It was a fundraiser for the ALS Foundation. It brought awareness to the fact that ALS existed to the general public
When I go out with people and they first notice how I have to adapt, they're always apologising for not noticing it before or they have trouble addressing me since they don't want to offend me.
Depending on the situation I tell them 2 things. One is that everybody looks at the world in a different way coloured by their own experiences. And just because I experience inaccessibility, I don't expect that other people notice it right away because they have a different life experience and there is nothing wrong with that.
The other thing I tell people is that everybody has struggles in different parts of their life (e.g. financially, socially, physically, relationships) and just because my struggles (to be honest, only my mobility aids) are visible, doesn't mean that I have it worse than other people, it's just that my struggles are visible and others who may be struggling more are overlooked because their struggles are invisible.
To be fair, I can react pretty irritated when people think they are helping me by basically taking things out of my hands that I am perfectly capable of doing or are touching my wheelchair without asking, because that feels belittling and also feels like some autonomy is taken from me. But when people ask me if they can help or accidentally say something that came out as offensive, I always react compassionate (or at least, I try to).
I feel that when we address ableism, we need to be gentle about it, but I feel you have the same opinion
I’m so sick of explaining my invisible disability (ADHD and chronic pain). Half the time I speak up, I get “You don’t look sick” or “You’re too young to be in pain”. But, I know getting pissy about it isn’t the answer, so I try to explain the issues. I don’t drive because of my ADHD and anxiety, but everyday they see me waiting for a cab it’s “you need to get your licence!” It’s been five years- too long to explain the issue now 😅
I think your sentiments are so correct. There's no easy, clearly denoted way to make a kinder, more educated world. This is a concept I've been pondering for a while and the most interesting thing is it can be applied to so many other topics.
For instance, I'm in school for a design field where learning is heavily based off of critiques of one's work. We're told from the start to "toughen up" and not get defensive when our work is percieved negatively and that 'it's going to be like that because that's how the culture is'. But I've learned way more from critics who gave me an indication of what I was doing right than ones who were interested in shutting down what I was doing wrong. "If you have extinguished someone's desire to create, you have failed in your job as critic" is my favorite phrase.
I truly hope that the more recent generations are going to be as successful as we're forecasted in changing cultural responses to a lot of things, and you're a part of that. Because honestly, what does humanity have to lose from a kinder world?
I always love how human you are and how open about things, reminding me to try to be that way too. Thank you.
I agree, able people speaking on behalf of disabled people without enough experience to back it up, and anybody correcting errors in scolding, angry ways are problematic. This applies to all sorts of discrimination issues. Ableism, racism, etc. There are a lot of anti-racism warriors out there who do the same unhelpful thing of just screaming at the white person who asked a question and it just pushes that person back into their safe white box.
This is exactly a conversation I’ve had with people very recently! It feels like a controversial opinion but I agree with you completely. I think this concept stretches into ‘cancel culture’ as well and the complete lack of patience people seem to have for genuine apologies and attempts to change. People who don’t leave room for mistakes, learning, apologies, forgiveness and change really seem like they just want to stay angry. By all means, stay angry. But if the actual cause means more to you than wanting to feel righteous/virtuous, you would see how unproductive that approach is. Sometimes too, I feel as though people who are very insecure will reach for self-pity as a coping mechanism, and when the attention is removed from that to more active forms of trying to solve the problem, people react with anger/fear. I am sometimes an example of the latter problem.
To a certain point I agree. I am very open and honest with my disability and I always tell people they can ask me whatever they want, even if they feel it might be inappropriate to ask a stranger. BUT! if you're a content creator and you participate in those challenges it's your responsibility to educate yourself on what you put out there and it is not our responsibility to educate non-disabled people over and over again about obvious things, especially when the information can be very easily found through a quick Google search. So yes, we as a community should be open to conversation but non-disabled people have a responsibility, too. Educating strangers over and over again about the same topics is not my responsibility as a disabled person and it's ignorant from them to expect that from me. It's our own responsibility to educate ourselves about the basics about all big -isms, like racism, ableism, antisemitism, sexism and so on. There are enough good sources for informal on the internet from the communities.
I’m so glad you said this. I’m not part of the disabled community but I am someone who wants to do the best I can. I also want to do hippo therapy, so the disabled community is a group I’m very interested in. I have never personally been “called out” for anything, but when I watch someone yell at someone who clearly didn’t know any better. It really leaves a bad taste in my mouth and shuts me off from wanting to learn about that thing.
I think what you said is true for a lot of things. It reminded me so much of something that happened in my life when I was way younger and uneducated on the whole racism topic. About 10 years ago someone who was a friend of mine back then came at me because I asked a question about her Facebook rant. She had Mexican roots and was talking about how her culture wasn't a costume (talking about dia de los muertos make up on Halloween), but she never really explained why she felt that it was this awful thing to do. I'm German and that's why I was like: "Hey! What's the big deal? People use Lederhosen as a costume all the time!" And instead of calmly telling me that she thought that this comment wasn't the best out of all comments she came at me full force and called me "a stupid white woman" and things like I have no right to talk about things like this. She was also telling me that I had no right to be proud of what I had accomplished in my life (coming from a poor family and still going to uni as the first person in my family) because I am white and therefore always had it easy in life. Needless to say that it took me years before I ever dared to ask questions again and it took me years to even feel the urge to educate myself. I felt like no matter what I did or said it would be wrong anyway. That's why yelling and pointing fingers isn't the best way to go.
I just saw something that totally floored me, an entire clickbait page, you know, the pages with all kids of stupid ads that they make pennies in every time they are views? Well, it was all "couples redefining love" that were mostly abled bodies people marrying someone with a disability. One of the families they highlighted was Bethany Hamilton. Like seriously, what did they think, nobody would want to marry her because she lost an arm to a shark? Like her husband is something extra special because he married her?
That is ableism!
You're right in that people stop listening when they're confronted. But the other part is that the person doing the confronting has no spoons left for doing it gently. It will eventually happen to you, and it probably already has. What you are seeing is people's off days. When a lot of people are impacted by an issue, the chance that there is more than one person who has an off day increases. Tone policing has been used to silence minorities since forever. It doesn't sit well with me to see you doing it, but I understand that it comes from a place of kindness.
We are all human, and we are all allowed our off days.
Thank you for talking about the backfire effect, which is the name for doubling down when someone points out your ideas/beliefs are bad.
Jo, thank you for sharing this perspective. As a disabled person who leans towards Buddhist practices, I generally agree with what you've shared here. I think it is also important to distinguish between emotional venting and educational content. If we are overcome with emotion, we as creators need to be clear that we are making emotional content, not forming an argument or attempting to educate the ignorant. If we do seek to form an argument and educate others, it is imperative that we do so with compassion and good faith that others want to learn.
I for one very seldom have the emotional capacity or stability to hold space for abled folks to learn about disability. When I go out into the world visibly disabled, it often triggers my social trauma and agoraphobia and makes me want want both burn the world and hide in my house forever. I know that most of the time I'm too triggered to educate others on disability issues, so when I do want to educate others I tend to point to other resources, like calm and well informed youtube videos. 👍
As someone who works with ADA codes constantly, it does get annoying remembering the door swings, the new 5'7" turn radius from 5' turn radius, remember all the thresholds, and thinking of how someone with a late stage dementia mind will view this painting. However, if it makes someone's life easier, it's always worth it. That's exactly WHY things like the ADA codes exist and it royally pisses me off when companies decide to ignore them. I always think of people like my grandparents in the situations or think about if I had to be in a wheelchair going through an area. Seeing exhibits at the zoo with ADA in mind delights me because that's one area that is rarely ADA in my handful of experiences.
I still remember going to a science museum when I was younger and tried using a wheelchair around a track. It's taxing on your arms going up a tiny ramp. For the challenges, they should approach it from a point of attempting to understand someone else's struggles. Remember the ice bucket challenge? How many creators spent the time to say this is for ALS and even though my experience will be brief, people with ALS go through this daily. However, that info may be hard to get across in a short tiktok video (I think they're 1 min? I don't use it). If they spent the time to say they're attempting it as a way of understanding someone, a viewer could use that as a launching point for researching more into different disabilities.
My husband and I talk about this a lot, but you explained it so much better than we ever could. Thank you! Also, this doesn’t just apply to ableism. It really applies to any -ism, and any topic that someone can kindly be educated on.
THANK YOU! I always find it odd when people who, for all we know, are ableist because of a lack of knowledge are met with belittling, insulting or similar attitudes. Especially when it's coming from an able-bodied person who has no firsthand experience with disabilities or disabled people.
It reminds me of a parenting tip I read recently: to assume the best motivations that fit the facts; meaning 1) make sure you get the whole picture before responding and 2) consider all the facts and assume the best case scenario and take it/your reaction from there.
I do believe that is very beneficial to both sides - so, essentially, I believe I agree with you, Jo. :)
And then anger and frustration can either (with family or friends) be expressed in that safe space, as calmly as possible, or to my husband/someone else from the community/a parent... if I notice that I'm not up to confronting a stranger with my emotions.
This is a really good point. I agree. I can see how it would apply to other areas where someone may take offense at something while the person doing the offending doesn't even realize it as well. It makes a lot of sense.
I'm one of those people that is continually working to not respond with anger when people describe something as 'bipolar' or someone with mental illness as 'crazy' or use 'autistic' as a slur, the list goes on. I'm sick of how casually certain labels are thrown around, especially when they are used as an excuse to treat someone else as less than. And when people say offensive things without thinking they don't want a lecture about what different mental illnesses actually are and why they shouldn't be tossing words around without thinking about the consequences, and they don't want to just be told not to say offensive things. It feels like a losing situation no matter what, which is frustrating.
As someone with invisible chronic problems, people can be extremely rude when I set limitations for myself. I am not able to do ... the response. Push through. You'll be fine. Its not that hard. Its very difficult to go through yet one more time why it is that hard and that I know my body's limitation and pushing myself in that manner will set me back. To only get more negative responses. And yes sometimes I do actually push myself.
I think you make a lot of good points. If you're legitimately trying to educate someone, honey always works better than vinegar. On the other hand, when we're part of a marginalized group that is treated as badly as we are, it can be exhausting to deal with ignorant people, and I often just don't have the spoons to speak to someone kindly or assume good intent. I especially have no tolerance for people who able-splain to us, regardless of what I think their intent is. On one of your recent shorts about identity-first language, several non-disabled people were expounding on how wonderful person-first language was; one commenter even said he ignored his sister's identity-first preference, because he thought it was more respectful to introduce her using person-first language. I have absolutely no tolerance for that and am not going to approach someone like that with kindness or grace; I'm going to let them know exactly what I think of them. When the entire world is against us, we're allowed to be angry. No one ever secured their basic human rights or respect by being polite to their oppressors.
I have cerebral palsey and i use a wheelchair and I've noticed that even us in the disability community, I've seen some people with milder disabilities treat those of us with visible disabilities, especially those with severe disabilities like crap. Has anyone else noticed this too?
I agree with you 100 percent. This applies to many things in life. A friend of mine recently revealed that he is not pro choice. He’s a young friend, and not a close one, but still someone I consider a friend. This issue is very important to me, but I didn’t get angry or indignant. Instead I urged him to really think about it, and the implications. I realize that down the road we can have a civilized conversation about it, and that getting angry, or cutting him off as a friend, is not the answer. I don’t believe he means harm to anyone, I just believe he needs more information, and a better understanding, and that may take some time. Also, this way I at least have a chance of helping him to understand my point of view. Getting angry and starting an argument will just close that door forever.
I agree with pretty much everything you said!! I find you to be very inspiring as well as very lovable! Thank you!!
I am visually impaired and love your take. For me, 90+% of what I struggle with is not my disability but just society. But if someone has a question or just does something generally ignorant, I would never be rude. But condescending, patronizing assumptions and comments do cause me to be less than charitable sometimes.
Hey I'm in a wheelchair and you have give me a New perspective thank you God bless
Definitely a very important discussion! As someone who has spent a lot of time advocating for various groups (mostly informally, to be fair), it has become incredibly clear to me that patience and compassion go a long way. You do end up having to develop a sense of whether a particular person is acting in good faith or not, and if not, just leave. It comes down to recognizing when you can actually change someone's mind and using your time as efficiently as possible to do that.
I deeply empathize with the frustration and anger that people feel toward society and its various oppressions, and thus try to avoid tone policing people when I can, but it is important to recognize when you're being counterproductive to your goals. Unfortunately the way a lot of social media is optimized is to create engagement through stoking anger, which definitely contributes negatively to the goals of educating genuinely ignorant but otherwise well-meaning folks.
I've felt for a long time that this is a major problem and your point goes for many different communities, not just the disabled community.
Sending you love. Shingles are no joke! It’s painful and takes a long time. Feel better.
I definitely hear what you're saying and I think I mostly agree, but a few thoughts
Especially for young people who have been dealing with ableism from childhood, it can be triggering to have people continually (seem) to ask or expect you to be the educator in every situation, especially when this comes from adults (though I totally understand that wasn't your intent or point)
I also think it can also be difficult online to distinguish between political advocacy, and personal expression. Where it's totally reasonable in my view to be unrestrained and unproductive when sharing experiences within a smaller community, it can obviously be very unhelpful to do this when in broader circles. Sometimes disabled people just need a personal outlet in a digital and disconnected world, but obviously that needs to be done in the right context. I think we need to remember to be kind to both sides of the argument, both the uneducated and the aggressive educated, and to remember that some social circles are allowed to be unhelpful when that circle isn't actually about advocacy, but about community.
I also think we need to talk more about structural disadvantage, too often discrimination is viewed through the lens of people being rude, rather than systemic oppression, and these arguments turn into who's meaner to whom rather than who can get healthcare
The last thought is more of a question, I agree about what you said about reality, but I also wonder if it *has to* be the reality? Does all social change really come about by slow education, or does it sometimes have a different path? I don't know, but it's often worth interrogating the things that seem inately true to us
Really appreciate this comment! I feel very similarly
It’s almost like life is complex.
Thank you for saying this, it’s amazing how quickly the middle ground vanishes and anger becomes the norm - rather than a acceptable response, but one that is *for us* as much as it is to change the minds of others.
We’re all as guilty as we are innocent when it comes to stepping on others - we might be doing so for reasons we believe are best, or objectively *are* are the best (although I doubt the latter, as I have trouble with objective structures of right and wrong - even human rights are subjective things we give, anything else implies a higher power or a correct manner of living) but we’re still probably hurting someone with our words and actions. So surely we should correct others as we would have ourselves corrected, at least when we can? Anger happens, after all.
My mantra is assume stupidity/ignorance over malice. It‘s much more likely someone just never thought about something when they do it, not to spite me specifically.
"no one's ever been called an asshole, then changed there mind." I make a big effort to remember that if your goal is to change someones mind, the only rout is to approach with curiosity as if they could change your mind too.
It doesn't always work, but its always at least more productive than a shouting match.
I believe you right on the money with this. Sadly, throughout society in recent years, there's been a major change in how some people feel entitled to attack or demean others simply because of some difference that they don't like. I sure hope that we will come back to more civility in the way we express opinions. And, for the record, I love it when your pups are in your videos!
Last week. I was having a bad few weeks. And then I was having a really bad day. But I had to go and do my shopping. When I was on my way into the shops in my wheelchair with my assistance dog. This lady starts talking to me telling me all about her daughter training a dog as well. I said to her “I’m having a bad day. Please leave me alone” she started yelling and swearing at me. Made me feel like she only viewed me as being a sideshow attraction and that I am only there for the purpose of entertaining others. Also if you haven’t seen it yet. You should watch on Netflix forgive us our trespasses. It’s really short and about disabled people in the 2WW
This is so relatable, I hope you are feeling better.
Very well said. This is true of most issues, not just ableism. There's so many issues that people are fighting for and fighting over that are never going to be changed by making the other side feel threatened or feel belittled (like throwing soup at masterpieces to protest climate change). It just makes the people you are trying change either dismiss you entirely or, worse, reinforce their beliefs because it's not showing them anything different. If we want real change about anything, then we need to sit down like adults and present not only a rational argument but show that we're willing to listen to the other side too, even if we don't agree, to at least understand where they are coming from. Their beliefs have come from a human being making logical decisions based on their own life experiences and personality, and no-one wants to be aggressively told that they are wrong. But if you can show them in a reasonable fashion then it might just help to change their minds. Give them new, positive experiences to help them make new, positive decisions.
I overall agree with what you're saying and the nuanced way you're saying it. In my mind I see it as having the opinion that it's always better to be assertive rather than passive or aggressive (unless in serious danger of course). Personally I've found this aspect of empathy where if someone who is in a marginalized/oppressed group is being verbally aggressive toward me because I've said or done something that offends them/the majority of their group, I take a step back and I understand. While taking into account that I've never walked in their shoes I understand that their life is probably made difficult at times by people who are intentionally or unintentionally hurting them. I consider that maybe this person has dealt with multiple episodes of this throughout their day and they're finally exploding at me after "being polite" to everyone else throughout their day. I like to take a deep breath and just give the person a little grace. If the person wants to calmly talk with me about it later then that's great and if not then that's fine. I can do what it takes to try to find out why they were offended and to decide whether I want to make a change in my behavior. As long as the person isn't aggressive toward me in different situations on a regular basis, I can chalk it up to "Maybe they're having a bad day. Maybe I would react the same way if I were in their shoes. I'm the one who doesn't have to experience that oppression and marginalization whereas they might have to experience it all the time. Maybe they deserve a little grace right now." With that said I think it's natural to retract when someone's being aggressive toward you and I think most people would retract and maybe shut down.
Your video is so spot on. I can't say that there was anything I didn't agree with. "Assumption of intent" - one of the most damaging things you can do when starting a conversation with someone. It will shut down the conversation before it even starts. People need to be able to say something, truly intending no harm, without getting crucified. One gentle conversation will change more minds than a thousand crucifixions. Virtue signaling drives me crazy. "Oh, look at me, I care about something that doesn't affect me. I'm such a good person!"
Have you considered getting into politics? You have a knack for seeing both sides and making sense out of it without burning it to the ground......Oh, never mind, you're too smart to get into politics. :)
There were so many points during the video that I wanted to give you a like, but already had. Can you convince RUclips to allow multiple likes? I could really use it for videos like this.
I don’t mean to be rude, and I’m not trying to speak over anyone actually disabled. But in my opinion, these challenges can be helpful! For example, I recently helped a blind guy get off our bus and to the car picking him up. I followed all the tips that blind RUclipsrs have given me: helped him down the stairs, told him when we were at the curb, told him when we were in front of his car, but totally didn’t think about the fact that he COULDNT SEE THE CAR DOOR HANDLE. I felt so dumb!! But maybe if I had done a challenge like this, I would have thought more about what he was actually experiencing.
Brilliant video. It reminds me of something I often think about cancel culture... If you shame someone for their behavior and make whatever consequence they're facing for their bad behaviour permanent or more drawn out than necessary, you basically remove any incentive they might have had to do better in the future; when people feel they have no hope of "redemption", I'd wager they are a lot less likely to put in effort to be better since they're going to get shamed one one way or the other for that one slip-up. But as you also said, paradoxically, sometimes it is the right thing to do.
I also like how you talked about the unfairness of the situation when someone is being kind of ableist toward you... As someone with a more invisible disability, if I don't speak up for myself, no one else will, but educating other people is a responsibility that nobody really ask for or find purpose in fulfilling 100% of the time... Personally, sadly I just don't always have the patience for it.