The more you resist his or her control, are independent, hold to your boundaries, speak your mind, have your own goals and much more, the more they hate you, seek to destroy, sabotage, manipulate and get vengeance. They own you and are entitled to do as they please to you. How dare you own your own life!
@mah you make a solid point, and sometimes in actual humanitarian missions this holds true. Love is somewhat more personal. And humans are like batteries, they cannot only give and never receive or they run out of juice. There has to be a cycle 🔁 lest it is a predatory relationship. The issue with narcissism in personal relationships is you will be actively punished for your gifts, your kindness, your effort. Not ignored. But actively punished and destroyed. This is why it is such a topic..
Narcs are deeply hurt souls that are misunderstood. We shame them that they have been abused. Imagine being one. You suffer mental damage because you are abused, and then you yourself are being shamed for being abused. This is beyond heartbreaking. That there is no healing for them is the most heartbreaking.
During a walk by the sea I came across a woman recently divorced from a narcissist airline pilot. He'd been a serial cheater during their 30 yr marriage. She only found out at the end. He had no problem hiding his cheating. At the end of our 45 min talk I saw a glimpse of her pain, vulnerability and brokeness.
Compartementalizing. This betrayal really does a number on you. It's abuse. The entire relationship is a lie. Certainly infidelity can cause severe PTSD.
@sherriflemming3218 Some men can compartmentalize sexual infidelity.. and sex is just a thing, an experience, no different from a fine meal 🙃 but perhaps an element of addiction and compulsion. Seen it a couple of times with guys I knew
@@llewmatthews4828 Yes, I completely understand compartementalizing.. Both genders can. Indeed addiction and compulsion. Academic studies are: 1. Family history - partially genetic 2. Sexual inclinations 3. Prioritizing physical attractiveness 4. Uncommitted mating 5. Narcissism is associated with infidelity 6. Sociosexually unrestricted 7. Cultural influence. 8 More physically attractive people tend to be less satisfied - more choices. 9. Other mental health disorders.
@@llewmatthews4828Many people can treat sex as nothing more than pleasant exercise, separate from any deep intimacy, the entire activity being nothing more than mutual masturbation, physical and mental. I am one of those people. I don't care for feeling of ownership of my partner, I wouldn't feel jealous if someone simply slept with other person and we'd laugh and compare notes. That being said, I never cheated on someone who expected loyalty - not because I would feel bad about the cheating or because I care about loyalty but simply because I don't partner with people I'd want to see hurt, humiliated, in pain. The ability to dissolve connection between love and sex and compartmentalize sexual activity as if it had never happened has nothing to do with being a cheater. Cheating is a form of abuse, proactive or reactive. For someone to cheat on the partner you promised loyalty to, a desire to hurt them must be present although I have yet to see any man admit it. Women seem more introspective in that regard, their cheating often more an attempt to punish emotionally absent, uncaring partner rather than an attempt to satisfy own unmet needs.
Wow...that was so bang on it was hard to hear. Yup...they consume you, test you, abuse you and act like nothing happened. Not wasting love is so accurate. I wish it hadn't taken me 15 years to figure that out.😢
@christinawilson Agreed! Two things I marvel on is how much time and effort is wasted on people playing phone games.. millions of people spending thousands of hours to line up dots on a screen. The great waste. But then, after experiencing relationships with cluster b types, it seems an even greater waste of human potential and probably greater suffering.
I had loved him like no other my whole life but his abuse his cheating serially I had to walk away to save me it killed me on the inside but I was almost dying with him anyways with all the abuse ..will never see him as I’m in no contact forever to maintain my life. Met a great guy before leaving him too and life is amazing !
Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer ( for healing)
Yes,l understand.l loved him with my soul.l never felt that feeling for anyone else.He was a beautiful boy then man with adorable baby face that l wanted to protect him,loved him so completely as a child would.But he changed and started to hate me,l mean hate.He was so cruel.Where did my shy,sweet beautiful boy go?He was never real.Only the mean one was Real.My poor heart.
Agree Constance. Share it with those whom you trust respect and appreciate you. People who treat you well. Gratitude is essential. Healthy love is safe. It correlates with trust and committment. The most important love is self love. Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
@@TessBoze Genuine love relationships are entirely different. In this case, we give, serve, or do something just because we love the other person. In these relationships, there is no transaction taking place
"The goal is to reduce the narcs anxiety. Mimicking parasites. Feeding frenzy. Like pac man.Their loving partner is their host. The trauma that never leaves them. Repetitive compulsion."
Broke. Broken down and exhausted. He has sucked me dry. Not there for me when I needed help. On my own. I'm ready to move on, and rebuild myself❤. Just a taker. He wasn't there for me, just draining, pushes me away 😞 since I have nothing left to give, it's beyond hurtful. Same old story with him. I'm not going back this time.
yes! please do not go back and repeat what you have gone through already. I also have figured out at one day, if I'd go back, he would take it only the sign of my desperation not love. In a way it is true because I felt there was no one else other than the narc who I could connect so deep so he made sure that I was not with anyone else. If I was with other people, it means his failure so it cannot happen. So I know all this now and there is no way of going back!
Yes,they fail you when you need them.They leave you in free fall with nothing there.Even as l held him l felt he was shifting sand through my fingers and under my feet.l believed in his future faking promises,his faux intimacy.The look of love in his eyes..he could take it all away terrifyingly overnight.l loved a phantom of my dream man who was only real to my foolish mind and heart.He drained me,made me ill.l never knew such people existed.Will the part of me that died ever return?
@@jackz.23 I am sure you can regain what you have lost or the part of you that died. It happened to me in very similar way and another 'side effect' from the narc I just realized clearly was that I was not able to appreciate any other men nor women most. It was because I ended up having the similar view as the narc. So I ended up believing he was absolutely the best and I did not have anyone else that I could love as much as I loved the narc. The truth is this is only the narc's projection (introjection) of how I love him.....In fact I did love someone who was totally not the narc. I know the clear difference so this time there is no mistake, no contact is the way with the narc!
Good for you and best of luck. It is absolute torture getting away from these monsters. My family (and really people in power who pressured them) to manipulate and destroy my life, as a group. I wanted to think well of them, they were my parents. But they wanted to keep my life damaged and small to control and abuse me.
The narcissist said to me after I refused to spend time with him after his attempts to devalue me. He said wouldn’t want to be around me either. I didn’t respond, I just continued being silent.
I had an abusive traumatizing childhood from a mentally ill mother and an absent father, I was placed in foster care and started to receive therapy at the age of nine. at times I still struggle, however, I don’t believe I am a narcissist. my heart is open. I believe with love and thereby anyone can change however I would not waste my time in a relationship with a narcissist because it can be draining and you do not have the power to change this person this type of illness needs extensive psychotherapy treatment.
Once again, you've hit it right on the head! As painful as the rage and rejection are, the inability to accept the genuine love you are offering is the most painful. The inability on the love giver's part to make that emotional connection.
Sam, thank you for your brutal honesty...you are a PHD in human behavior, and true pioneer in the dark truth of the human void. I agree with every word you speak as a psychitrist and expert. You contribute to this world....more than anyone can ever thank you for.
What sucks is you want them to love you but you know theyll hurt you. But then they do because you didnt trust them. So you were right, and got what you feared, which is why you avoided in the first place.
exactly true, yet the narcs are smart in a way so they know that you are attracted to him / her to a certain level as he / she is always center of attention or people who raised them treated them like an idol. So this spoiling makes them completely inhumane in a way that they can treat others like not humans who have no pain, no heart, no feeling. It is their emptiness and emotionlessness that they are projecting on you. If you resist and show emotions, they will hate it and try to make you feel worst about how you feel. It is not right to have any kind of emotions especially the good ones for the narc. They can't let others enjoy life because he is the one who is in control, so no other people's prosperity nor fun.
Love is money, without you cannot love. My brother taught me this and he is 100% right. He told me life is shit and blood and you have to fight for everyrhing. He fought me and was very clever. Now i will give back to the world what i learned : nothing. I will think to myself...what a wonderful world.
Thank you! This video is helpful in understanding how the Narcissist Brain works!! Don’t want to have resentment or anger towards him and now I don’t. I have empathy for his Mental Illness. However. I will remain NO CONTACT. I can’t live in his Virtual World filled with hated, jealousy’s, insecurity and need for constant supply to fill a bottomless pit with no end. It’s hopeless. I’m completely done with this entire concept!
I’ve never heard narcissism described this way. It makes so much sense. Controlling the partner so he can keep emotional control. Listening to you is the deepest understanding I’ve ever had of this condition. I’m going to re listen to this again after I’m done. Wow
Absolutely genius analysis. thank you so much!! and speaking of biblical stories: the story of casting pearls to the swine also seems to be appropriate.
This is the the second time in my whole life I'm commenting on a video. This is the by far the best description of the experience of "being with" a n., which I am now sure of he is. I remember telling a friend after the discard, the worst thing about the "relationship" was not, that he couldn't give love but that he was incapable of receiving it. I've been in strict no contact since the end and recently crossed paths with him by chance. I felt nothing. Not even pity.
This aspect of not receiving love was also a warning he told me himself too. I didn’t listen to this thinking it was just something like shyness or don’t know what else. They know deep down they are monsters and they can’t really hide it. Their way not receving love is false humility. It’s just them sayin « don’t give me YOUR love because i Will never be able to give it back to you ». This is awful. The Guy broke me and i struggle to gain back my joyful self
Narcissist deserve love and compassion... But not participation. I find people developing sociopathic defense responses to narcissist, which is also scary
The response is trauma as a result of the pathological relationship. Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Choose peace, your sanity, safety and stability over chaos. The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And Body In The Healing Of Trauma---Bessell Van Der Volk The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
@@sherriflemming3218 you know how many kill3rs do so as a trauma response? It's pathological toxic demonic response to trauma just as it is with the narcissist, are they not having a trauma response 🧐
@LAURIEANNJESS I can relate. I just got out of a 30 year marriage with a Narcissist. He never loved Me. What a waste of My life! We didn't know anything about These evil people back then. Now it's everywhere! It's going to take a to heal from his abuse. Sorry you got hit too.
@@BflyMom_212 I cannot afford to regret the past. Self-pity and regret are absolutely worthless and self harming! Fill your new blank canvas with a fulfilling new expression of yourself! You are still the personality you were back when!! Keep living who you were and always have been!! You are not anything that the narcissist projected onto you, nor are you the negativity he ascribed to you. Let that crap fall away from you, and step out of that steaming pile of lies, and walk away. Never look back. No remorse. Free!!
That is a long time,best to you.14 months for me was way much.i knew her from back in High school.a lot changed in about 46 years, for me it h@@BflyMom_212
@LAURIEANNJESSEN I'm grateful he moved far far away and I've cut contact. Just waiting for the divorce to be finalized. You make it sound so easy. It's not. Not the abuse I went through. I need time to heal, and find Myself again. It's only been a few months. For some of Us it takes time to heal the wounds of physical and emotional abuse. I'm far from ready to jump into another relationship or even think about dating. I know I'll get there eventually but it's not happening overnight!
I believe you because the ex-narcissist repeated to me or in my presence numerous times that he was a bad person and a loser, but i also saw the way who ''seems'' to crave love, because when i kissed him i saw the expression on his face... just for a moment, then it would disappeard. I still don't understand because he was abandoned by his mother at the age of 2, been raised by his grandmother until the age of 14 then went back to his mother but was abused by her. To me he said then when he heard at the age of 17 that his grandmother died he didn't care about anything anymore. He especially verbal ''abuses'' everyone around him, i could see (do to your lectures) that it was compulsive, he also repeated numerous time that he didn't need me or no one, which was contradicted because he tried, but couldn't be alone too long, he was offiously scared to be alone. We had lots of laughs together, and sometimes even very close together, but the ''bad'' objects always seem to win, so these ''close'' moments were not often enough to accept him for who or what he is. In prison he was diagnosed being a psychopath. I am no expert but i truly think he is a clinical Narcissist, my guess due to trauma , abuse and probably cormobidity of autism again all do to your lectures. I am no longer with him, i blocked him everywere. he didn't blocked me (can still see his picture on whatsapp) but i still have a soft spot for him indeed like i abandond my son (not in the way that i want to see him or have something to do with him) But I hear from people around me that he gone completely psychotic nowadays, and that hurts me.
Always Listen to information to people give you. The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Safe People by Henry Cloud The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
I am very sorry to hear what you have gone through. I had somewhat similar experience which I am going through healing myself. It is hopeless and the narc was not able to love someone unless it was something he projected as perfect in his head. However, there is no such a perfection in this world so he ended up being alone for a long time (so he said so it could be all lies again). Then he lied that he never lied and told me that I was lying like 100 times or more. Therefore I realized that it was totally going wasting what I had to offer. As he could not acknowledge anything good in person almost. It was too much in illusion and almost no contact in a way because we had physical distances so long. It was not feeling as if it was real feelings but I was playing along as he was great at manipulating. And lies are always there as he did not know what the truth was. So it was complete mess and insanity I endured which I did not have to.
It begs the question what percentage of relationships are narcissistic free, very few one would guess, even none narcissists are prone to becoming infected. It’s so pervasive, so insidious.
Oh trust me, I learned the hard way about the unworthy. This is why you must know the family! Before you say yes and have children! You need to eyeball that future mil like your life depends on it, because it does! Snakes don't birth kittens. You will be robbed of everything dear to you if you are loving and kind, everything, including a future after you burn it all down and go rogue on the narc. The damage will have been done! And yes, they want your soul.
It is terrible and I also experienced, what you are saying. They are very sick people. My mother is doing the same. I am waiting for the end of this insane relationship since my early childhood. My mother is an evil bastard.
How do you get a nacrcissist to talk about things in the marriage and to actuallly make an effort to be close so both can be happy? What do we do if the narc is not allowing themselves to love you!! They are not doing in actions to allow you to come together? They will not answer questions about their feelings about you, or the marriage, or to talk through things to be able to come together and to be close. Instead, they refuse to talk to you, they refuse to reassure you within the marriage that they love or care about you? They get mad, when you are just trying to work on things. They tell you to get away from them, they are not going to answer or talk. This is so................CRAZY IN THE HEAD!! How do you fix a marriage or relationship if they refuse to talk or do anything to fix it??? He acts like he hates me! For trying to be closer to him!! HATES me for trying to love him!!! This does not make any sense to my mind!!!
Why the narcissist love's you to death by Prof Sam Vakin...😢 Hard to hear but true 😢 your love should be going on you and those that can appreciate it . The more you show love the nastier they get .
Run! Why value someone that doesn’t value you. Never beg to give someone your love. And if they need to work to love you they DO NOT love you. This is not love. Please listen and take it from me a Narc ex husband of 10 years. The do not and will not change. Save yourself save your children. RUN! And do not look back!
I finally left him, he is doing exactly what you have been saying. But he is breadcrumbing... sending sad song titked, "I will be ok, will love you.." how sick was he. Like you said, he will self destruct, I will no longer advise him on how to become healthier, better looking, so on. His son hates him, he keeps pushing son to be something he can never be, and he will treating his teen son as a husband, and he is the wife. I hope his government wakes up and saves the kid. Thank you for pointing out the truth in full detail.
Oh I used to get the songs, too.. "I thought I'd have you for a lifetime.." "I'm saying I miss you, I've never been so ashamed, tell me how I could use a friend like you.." I told myself he used music to express himself, to say the things that he couldn't. Now I know it was a manipulation tool. Best of luck to you, you definitely did the right thing.
It is heartbreaking I was in an abusive relationship until last year I fell in with her and its so hard I believe I still love her but the advice here is spot on
This helped me break into layers of a series of conversations had since the holidays. The thought process in here. Between the internet is intense. I am grateful I am able to gain your insightful thoughts so easily online. The internet and you are incredible. Thank you, Professor Vaknin.
I've learned the hard way toxic relationships can only exist when both partners are toxic. I was the submissive one, but I don't consider myself as the victim anymore, neither do I consider my ex-partner as the villain. I'm just sad we dragged eachother into our own misery.
@@elstal22 Toxic behavior doesn't necessarily mean you are a toxic person 😘 We all humans make mistakes. We all have to learn and unfortunately not everybody gets the chance to learn from loving and supporting parents. I really don't know what it is with narcissists. My father is one. I myself have been diagnosed with BPD. I can recognise a lot of myself in his behavior, but only to a certain level.
@@elstal22 I don't think that's true in every case. Some people convince themselves that the narcissist will change if they are patient and treat them with more kindness, often for the sake of not breaking up a family. Foolishness isn't toxicity, especially when you don't understand what you're dealing with.
I disagree completely. My ex narcissist father in law raped my 14 year old daughter. There in fact can often be ONE EVIL TOXIC PERSON, not in ANY way, 2. If also doesn't apply in situations where children are born to narcissistic parents. The children are not born toxic. I honestly don't see how your statement applies in most cases. At all.
20 years on & off here too, I was complicit In my own abuse... In my experience It's difficult to untangle it all, but liberating beyond a certain point ✨ Rediscovering yourself is paramount & on that journey gaining the invaluable knowledge & guidance from people like Dr Vaknin, slowly but surely your self love & ability to feel love translates into understanding at least you still have the ability to feel & share love ❤ Only now with more self knowledge, love, boundaries & discernment ✨ For growing healthy relationships going forward 🌈✌️😉
To assume love died or went away, there must have been love to begin with. These people are unable to love. It's impossible to loose what was never there. Falling out of love, that's completely different process.
Wow, really deep topic that needs another play through. Polio abused my mother. Placed in an isolation ward aged 18 months. I grew up with her constantly accusing me with the words "I'd always wanted a baby to love and to hug, but YOU always pushed me away!" She was either accusing me, blaming and guilting me, using me for her needs, or neglecting me every day of my life. I've finally given up at age 67. What an enduring fool I've been.
Yes!!!! My narcissistic family member has a false face with people, with whom she basically has a transactional relationship as long as it serves, and she gets her desire for contact through dependent animals and dependent old men. Again, basically simple transactional relationships. Their own self-hatred is amazing, but eventually they turn it on anybody who doesn't live up to their expectations. The closest I got to ever hearing that they recognized it in themselves was for them to say "I was a shit", or "I should be killed!" I am also reminded of that quote, I believe from Groucho Marx, "I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would accept me as a member!"
My dilemma was staying with the person I “failed “, along with my world, esp my family. I knew he would never love me. I knew if I left I would be walking away from all love from my family. My Machiavellian saw to it that I was alienated and he was just like what the Dr. is describing. He “loves” one person. Our Son. And that’s why I had to be destroyed, I was “competition”.
Narcissist where a victim of some form of abuse they did love at one time.when they craved the love they needed at such a young age . Their carers weren’t there . They where let down . Hurt . Betrayal by the person they needed the most. They needed love hugs and emotional support
Incredibly helpful! It freed me from questioning my experiences of love, cuz whenever I shared or displayed love to my parents, they would intellectually explain to me how it can't be. My father an orphan, my mother taking care since childhood of a verbally abusive and crippled mother... it makes sooo much sense that they will not tolerate to experience or acknowledge love, I feel so freed! thanks again
The bad mother is bad because of the abuse she has suffered from her narcissistic father and husband. It will always be the narcissist’s fault. Not the mother’s.
My Mother was an anti-narcissist (and narcissistic in that way). I believe she loved me and did want the best for me. However she was too damaged and fearful to understand, controlling or manipulating a grown adult would not protect me. It just enabled others to do that with worse intentions.
Ive expressed how it feels for me, Its like you have put a knife in me and twisted it and while im lying on the floor dying your looking down angry at me because i cant get up and dance. Also, I can't continue to fill your cup from mine if no one is filling up my cup. We all have our own paths and even tho at times i hit rock bottom and no matter the hatred they have towards me i still wish nothing but the best. Its my path i must walk now 🙏 Your video resonated so well within me !
It’s still very sad to discover, many years of friendship that has turned to what I believed was “a love of the lifetime “ and after 15 years of marriage, a painful discovery of this severe damaged person. There is so much I’d love to tell him, but it’s a waste, everything can and is used against me, leaving me lonely to the core of my heart. I’m leaving as quiet as possible in sadness and silence, feeling abandoned although I’m the one who initiated the separation
Absolutely spot on from my experiences with a female narc, such a battle in the end I gave up and left her to her tortured inner world. This is so spot on
Oh my goodness-even though I have almost been destroyed by two narcissists over the last 40 years and feeling like I was insane- when you find out about the in workings or lack of inner working of the narcissist it appears we loved and cared for an alien- tragic is an understatement. For all the hurt I have experienced and a vast part of my life lost- I would not wish being a narcissist on anyone- thank you Sam for explaining the subject so well.
Well there you go. It's all right there. That's all you need to know. As soon as you can recognize these truths for what they are innately and without doubt because you've already tested them and know them to be true from your own painful experience with the narcissist this video is the only video you need. It answers every lingering doubt we all wrestle with and predictiably use to resist accepting the inevitable failure and end of the relationship and it leaves nothing left in your arsenal or reserves to continue fighting with or for....the narcissist is a lost cause and there is nothing that can change that not even genuine love.
Sorry for them, what a sad and empty life. Surely paying for some therapy would be the most sensible for these pond lives to invest in…for their own sake if no one else’s. Actually F’em they aren’t worth it! Run!
Unless I had known someone very well who fits all of these descriptions, I wouldn't believe any of what Sam is saying here. There are people whose childhoods have been so horrific, that in adulthood, there seemingly is no hope, sadly.
My Father never has, they can only ‘act’ how parents are to act but deep within they hold many dark sins. I have elevated my vibration in Christ and see my parents as children in old bodies. I expect nothing from them on a deep level. Just play along, behind the eyes, empty.
My mother is the same. She said having children is dumbness. And she doesnt even know the birth day of my brother and me. I have not been raised by her after age five, because of her neglect. My father died when I was two. I don't need her validation or her anymore. That she doesnt love me does not have any meaning. Why should I give her this power over me? I am a mother of two and never have a problem saying to them how much I Iove them. It is not hard to say, indeed it is easy to say if you love someone.
Every single word you have said is true: I will watch this video frequently: this has answered so much for me: I watch narcissistic abuse content daily, because I have to understand what the fk is happening to me, living with this malignant & covert thing: I stay away as much as I can, but I can’t seem to get rid of it… Thank you for your insight: it has brought some relief..x
Do you idealize, devalue and paint a person black when they no longer meet your needs? Are you cruel when no one is watching? Or -- are you simply introverted and somewhat avoidant?
Love = Sex. When internet porn got real that was the end of being loved. I was kept around for utility purposes. Whenever the narc was hurt he would devise a punishment for me. What Dr. is describing about rejecting love is totally accurate.
I wonder how much of narcissism is contingent on heterosexuality: i had a brief emotional relationship with a seemingly bisexual man who did the whole lovebomb-devalue-discard process on me, but when it came to his homosexual relationship, he seemed pretty present and reliable. Oh well. I'll never really know. 😢
Thank you sam for the education it has helped me so much understanding the man i was in a reletiinship with who did have a traumatic upbringing and lifestyle and masked himself to be a recovered on the path of healing journey when i met him only to have ugly core and destroy the reletionship anyway as the education from you i am not heartbroken and understand it..what i dont get is what is the drive to live within them if its not for contentment in love ultimately??so they continue to keep existing to always feel empty ???
A narcissists greatest mission in life is to make your life more miserable than theirs...............😮
True.
@@bradfaulkner9597 the narcs reading these comments and the exposure of all of them shrinks their supply sources .........
The more you resist his or her control, are independent, hold to your boundaries, speak your mind, have your own goals and much more, the more they hate you, seek to destroy, sabotage, manipulate and get vengeance. They own you and are entitled to do as they please to you. How dare you own your own life!
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
Safe People by Henry Cloud
A Narcissist gets happy when their target is sad JazzyT, Scapegoat of two Narc's.
The more you love the narcissist the more he hates you😮
Yes😢
It's so true!😲😥
EXACTLY!!
Totally agreed 💯👍
That's been my experience yes
“Don’t waste your love bc if you waste your love, you will be wasted.” - No truer words can be spoken 😏
🙋♂🙋♂
Damn!😮
I do not agree. My ability to love is mine...I don't really care whether it's accepted by the narcissist or not.
Too late for me. Please believe every word Sam speaks.
@mah you make a solid point, and sometimes in actual humanitarian missions this holds true.
Love is somewhat more personal. And humans are like batteries, they cannot only give and never receive or they run out of juice. There has to be a cycle 🔁 lest it is a predatory relationship.
The issue with narcissism in personal relationships is you will be actively punished for your gifts, your kindness, your effort. Not ignored. But actively punished and destroyed.
This is why it is such a topic..
This is heartbreaking. So sad so many humans are still hurt children. Says something about our world.
Only solution I see is to be an antinatalist
@@KnowledgeSeeker78491😂 That‘s a great word! Even Oshos says people who don‘t have kids deserve an award.
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Narcs are deeply hurt souls that are misunderstood. We shame them that they have been abused. Imagine being one. You suffer mental damage because you are abused, and then you yourself are being shamed for being abused.
This is beyond heartbreaking. That there is no healing for them is the most heartbreaking.
@@iAmNothingnessmisunderstood,
No Abuse my siblings are jealous and greedy ,they know what there doing ,just excuses to steal crap😂
Bedroom commodity...
That is what their partner or lover is to them.
Yep any holes a goal
When GAP, Homer MI insisted on calling me "Momma" in the bedroom..... my stomach flipped...... NO CONTACT.
During a walk by the sea I came across a woman recently divorced from a narcissist airline pilot. He'd been a serial cheater during their 30 yr marriage. She only found out at the end. He had no problem hiding his cheating. At the end of our 45 min talk I saw a glimpse of her pain, vulnerability and brokeness.
Compartementalizing. This betrayal really does a number on you. It's abuse. The entire relationship is a lie.
Certainly infidelity can cause severe PTSD.
@sherriflemming3218 Some men can compartmentalize sexual infidelity.. and sex is just a thing, an experience, no different from a fine meal 🙃 but perhaps an element of addiction and compulsion. Seen it a couple of times with guys I knew
@@llewmatthews4828 Yes, I completely understand compartementalizing.. Both genders can. Indeed addiction and compulsion.
Academic studies are:
1. Family history - partially genetic
2. Sexual inclinations
3. Prioritizing physical attractiveness
4. Uncommitted mating
5. Narcissism is associated with infidelity
6. Sociosexually unrestricted
7. Cultural influence.
8 More physically attractive people tend to be less satisfied - more choices.
9. Other mental health disorders.
The Science Of Cheating-- Maken Murphy podcast
The Mask You Live In Documentary
@@llewmatthews4828Many people can treat sex as nothing more than pleasant exercise, separate from any deep intimacy, the entire activity being nothing more than mutual masturbation, physical and mental. I am one of those people. I don't care for feeling of ownership of my partner, I wouldn't feel jealous if someone simply slept with other person and we'd laugh and compare notes.
That being said, I never cheated on someone who expected loyalty - not because I would feel bad about the cheating or because I care about loyalty but simply because I don't partner with people I'd want to see hurt, humiliated, in pain.
The ability to dissolve connection between love and sex and compartmentalize sexual activity as if it had never happened has nothing to do with being a cheater.
Cheating is a form of abuse, proactive or reactive. For someone to cheat on the partner you promised loyalty to, a desire to hurt them must be present although I have yet to see any man admit it. Women seem more introspective in that regard, their cheating often more an attempt to punish emotionally absent, uncaring partner rather than an attempt to satisfy own unmet needs.
Wow...that was so bang on it was hard to hear. Yup...they consume you, test you, abuse you and act like nothing happened. Not wasting love is so accurate. I wish it hadn't taken me 15 years to figure that out.😢
Be happy for your 15 years. Some people never wake up. Imagine
@christinawilson
Agreed! Two things I marvel on is how much time and effort is wasted on people playing phone games.. millions of people spending thousands of hours to line up dots on a screen. The great waste.
But then, after experiencing relationships with cluster b types, it seems an even greater waste of human potential and probably greater suffering.
25 years
Don't be sad..
I am on your list.
18 years together.
Sadly going on 29!
I had loved him like no other my whole life but his abuse his cheating serially I had to walk away to save me it killed me on the inside but I was almost dying with him anyways with all the abuse ..will never see him as I’m in no contact forever to maintain my life. Met a great guy before leaving him too and life is amazing !
😢
Amen 🙏
Sorry this happened. Yes, you are correct- no contact!
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
( for healing)
Yes,l understand.l loved him with my soul.l never felt that feeling for anyone else.He was a beautiful boy then man with adorable baby face that l wanted to protect him,loved him so completely as a child would.But he changed and started to hate me,l mean hate.He was so cruel.Where did my shy,sweet beautiful boy go?He was never real.Only the mean one was Real.My poor heart.
"If you waste your love you will be wasted"
Absolutely.
Absolutely!!!! Save your love for those who appreciate you……
Agree Constance. Share it with those whom you trust respect and appreciate you. People who treat you well. Gratitude is essential. Healthy love is safe. It correlates with trust and committment.
The most important love is self love.
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
@@TessBoze Genuine love relationships are entirely different. In this case, we give, serve, or do something just because we love the other person. In these relationships, there is no transaction taking place
This goes not just for those with NPD but also for people with narcissistic personality and narcissistic style. Stay away from all of that.
Truth the judgemental ones as well, yuck 🤢🤮
Exactly. They push the envelope until you lash out thus confirming their hypothesis. They overthink things.
They are cowards.
They aren't overthinking. Their thinking is limited due to their stunted emotional growth.
"The goal is to reduce the narcs anxiety. Mimicking parasites. Feeding frenzy. Like pac man.Their loving partner is their host. The trauma that never leaves them. Repetitive compulsion."
Truth
Broke. Broken down and exhausted. He has sucked me dry. Not there for me when I needed help. On my own. I'm ready to move on, and rebuild myself❤. Just a taker. He wasn't there for me, just draining, pushes me away 😞 since I have nothing left to give, it's beyond hurtful. Same old story with him. I'm not going back this time.
yes! please do not go back and repeat what you have gone through already. I also have figured out at one day, if I'd go back, he would take it only the sign of my desperation not love. In a way it is true because I felt there was no one else other than the narc who I could connect so deep so he made sure that I was not with anyone else. If I was with other people, it means his failure so it cannot happen. So I know all this now and there is no way of going back!
Yes,they fail you when you need them.They leave you in free fall with nothing there.Even as l held him l felt he was shifting sand through my fingers and under my feet.l believed in his future faking promises,his faux intimacy.The look of love in his eyes..he could take it all away terrifyingly overnight.l loved a phantom of my dream man who was only real to my foolish mind and heart.He drained me,made me ill.l never knew such people existed.Will the part of me that died ever return?
@@jackz.23 I am sure you can regain what you have lost or the part of you that died. It happened to me in very similar way and another 'side effect' from the narc I just realized clearly was that I was not able to appreciate any other men nor women most. It was because I ended up having the similar view as the narc. So I ended up believing he was absolutely the best and I did not have anyone else that I could love as much as I loved the narc. The truth is this is only the narc's projection (introjection) of how I love him.....In fact I did love someone who was totally not the narc. I know the clear difference so this time there is no mistake, no contact is the way with the narc!
Good for you and best of luck. It is absolute torture getting away from these monsters. My family (and really people in power who pressured them) to manipulate and destroy my life, as a group.
I wanted to think well of them, they were my parents. But they wanted to keep my life damaged and small to control and abuse me.
You deserve real love. Don’t settle for anything less. No more lies and fakery. Big hugs to you.
Yes the Narcicist can not love and can not take love from others. So true.
The narcissist said to me after I refused to spend time with him after his attempts to devalue me. He said wouldn’t want to be around me either. I didn’t respond, I just continued being silent.
You get zero from a narc...and he is not capable
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
I had an abusive traumatizing childhood from a mentally ill mother and an absent father, I was placed in foster care and started to receive therapy at the age of nine. at times I still struggle, however, I don’t believe I am a narcissist. my heart is open. I believe with love and thereby anyone can change however I would not waste my time in a relationship with a narcissist because it can be draining and you do not have the power to change this person this type of illness needs extensive psychotherapy treatment.
I heard a saying by a narcissist that "Nothing gives me more pleasure than hurting someone who is trying to help me".
This is atrocious
This video is the summation of message that all the victims need to contemplate
Basically a narcissist is still a child and have never emotionally matured.
Once again, you've hit it right on the head! As painful as the rage and rejection are, the inability to accept the genuine love you are offering is the most painful. The inability on the love giver's part to make that emotional connection.
Sam, thank you for your brutal honesty...you are a PHD in human behavior, and true pioneer in the dark truth of the human void.
I agree with every word you speak as a psychitrist and expert.
You contribute to this world....more than anyone can ever thank you for.
What sucks is you want them to love you but you know theyll hurt you. But then they do because you didnt trust them. So you were right, and got what you feared, which is why you avoided in the first place.
exactly true, yet the narcs are smart in a way so they know that you are attracted to him / her to a certain level as he / she is always center of attention or people who raised them treated them like an idol. So this spoiling makes them completely inhumane in a way that they can treat others like not humans who have no pain, no heart, no feeling. It is their emptiness and emotionlessness that they are projecting on you. If you resist and show emotions, they will hate it and try to make you feel worst about how you feel. It is not right to have any kind of emotions especially the good ones for the narc. They can't let others enjoy life because he is the one who is in control, so no other people's prosperity nor fun.
Love is money, without you cannot love. My brother taught me this and he is 100% right. He told me life is shit and blood and you have to fight for everyrhing. He fought me and was very clever. Now i will give back to the world what i learned : nothing. I will think to myself...what a wonderful world.
Thank you! This video is helpful in understanding how the Narcissist Brain works!! Don’t want to have resentment or anger towards him and now I don’t. I have empathy for his Mental Illness. However. I will remain NO CONTACT. I can’t live in his Virtual World filled with hated, jealousy’s, insecurity and need for constant supply to fill a bottomless pit with no end. It’s hopeless. I’m completely done with this entire concept!
I’ve never heard narcissism described this way. It makes so much sense. Controlling the partner so he can keep emotional control. Listening to you is the deepest understanding I’ve ever had of this condition. I’m going to re listen to this again after I’m done. Wow
Absolutely genius analysis. thank you so much!! and speaking of biblical stories: the story of casting pearls to the swine also seems to be appropriate.
this is so sad people can feel like this about themselves to be angry at narcs until i learned how bad they hate themselves
yeah, my ex didn't know what love was and didn't know how to receive it. such a shame, but she nearly broke me in the end.
Extremely depressing knowing this but it must be said
This is the the second time in my whole life I'm commenting on a video. This is the by far the best description of the experience of "being with" a n., which I am now sure of he is. I remember telling a friend after the discard, the worst thing about the "relationship" was not, that he couldn't give love but that he was incapable of receiving it. I've been in strict no contact since the end and recently crossed paths with him by chance. I felt nothing. Not even pity.
This aspect of not receiving love was also a warning he told me himself too. I didn’t listen to this thinking it was just something like shyness or don’t know what else. They know deep down they are monsters and they can’t really hide it. Their way not receving love is false humility. It’s just them sayin « don’t give me YOUR love because i Will never be able to give it back to you ».
This is awful. The Guy broke me and i struggle to gain back my joyful self
You cant give what you never had.....
I have experienced this with men. It's so painful because they are not capable and don't believe in you 😢
Narcissist deserve love and compassion... But not participation. I find people developing sociopathic defense responses to narcissist, which is also scary
Where's Virgo?
@@ChyroneMcThunderschlonghere. Why?
@@Cara888-q5u who?
The response is trauma as a result of the pathological relationship. Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Choose peace, your sanity, safety and stability over chaos.
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And Body In The Healing Of Trauma---Bessell Van Der Volk
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
@@sherriflemming3218 you know how many kill3rs do so as a trauma response? It's pathological toxic demonic response to trauma just as it is with the narcissist, are they not having a trauma response 🧐
30 seconds in and I'm hearing my experience with the narcissist, 42 years, ZILCH !!
@LAURIEANNJESS I can relate. I just got out of a 30 year marriage with a Narcissist. He never loved Me. What a waste of My life! We didn't know anything about These evil people back then. Now it's everywhere! It's going to take a to heal from his abuse. Sorry you got hit too.
@@BflyMom_212 I cannot afford to regret the past. Self-pity and regret are absolutely worthless and self harming! Fill your new blank canvas with a fulfilling new expression of yourself! You are still the personality you were back when!! Keep living who you were and always have been!! You are not anything that the narcissist projected onto you, nor are you the negativity he ascribed to you. Let that crap fall away from you, and step out of that steaming pile of lies, and walk away. Never look back. No remorse. Free!!
That is a long time,best to you.14 months for me was way much.i knew her from back in High school.a lot changed in about 46 years, for me it h@@BflyMom_212
For me it has been a strain,on my heath.agaon everyone we must move on.Bless ya all.
@LAURIEANNJESSEN
I'm grateful he moved far far away and I've cut contact. Just waiting for the divorce to be finalized. You make it sound so easy. It's not. Not the abuse I went through. I need time to heal, and find Myself again. It's only been a few months. For some of Us it takes time to heal the wounds of physical and emotional abuse.
I'm far from ready to jump into another relationship or even think about dating.
I know I'll get there eventually but it's not happening overnight!
I believe you because the ex-narcissist repeated to me or in my presence numerous times that he was a bad person and a loser, but i also saw the way who ''seems'' to crave love, because when i kissed him i saw the expression on his face... just for a moment, then it would disappeard. I still don't understand because he was abandoned by his mother at the age of 2, been raised by his grandmother until the age of 14 then went back to his mother but was abused by her. To me he said then when he heard at the age of 17 that his grandmother died he didn't care about anything anymore.
He especially verbal ''abuses'' everyone around him, i could see (do to your lectures) that it was compulsive, he also repeated numerous time that he didn't need me or no one, which was contradicted because he tried, but couldn't be alone too long, he was offiously scared to be alone. We had lots of laughs together, and sometimes even very close together, but the ''bad'' objects always seem to win, so these ''close'' moments were not often enough to accept him for who or what he is.
In prison he was diagnosed being a psychopath. I am no expert but i truly think he is a clinical Narcissist, my guess due to trauma , abuse and probably cormobidity of autism again all do to your lectures.
I am no longer with him, i blocked him everywere. he didn't blocked me (can still see his picture on whatsapp) but i still have a soft spot for him indeed like i abandond my son (not in the way that i want to see him or have something to do with him) But I hear from people around me that he gone completely psychotic nowadays, and that hurts me.
Always Listen to information to people give you.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
So true. And what a great reply.
I am very sorry to hear what you have gone through. I had somewhat similar experience which I am going through healing myself. It is hopeless and the narc was not able to love someone unless it was something he projected as perfect in his head. However, there is no such a perfection in this world so he ended up being alone for a long time (so he said so it could be all lies again). Then he lied that he never lied and told me that I was lying like 100 times or more.
Therefore I realized that it was totally going wasting what I had to offer. As he could not acknowledge anything good in person almost. It was too much in illusion and almost no contact in a way because we had physical distances so long. It was not feeling as if it was real feelings but I was playing along as he was great at manipulating. And lies are always there as he did not know what the truth was. So it was complete mess and insanity I endured which I did not have to.
Whoever screwed up the NARC........ remember.....we WERENT THERE............
It begs the question what percentage of relationships are narcissistic free, very few one would guess, even none narcissists are prone to becoming infected. It’s so pervasive, so insidious.
Like trying to glue back a broken mirror....
This is the best explanation of an narcissists thank you so much
Oh trust me, I learned the hard way about the unworthy. This is why you must know the family! Before you say yes and have children! You need to eyeball that future mil like your life depends on it, because it does! Snakes don't birth kittens. You will be robbed of everything dear to you if you are loving and kind, everything, including a future after you burn it all down and go rogue on the narc. The damage will have been done! And yes, they want your soul.
Facts!!! YAH BLESS YOU!
So true. Sadly I married in haste and have repented at leisure.
It is terrible and I also experienced, what you are saying. They are very sick people. My mother is doing the same. I am waiting for the end of this insane relationship since my early childhood. My mother is an evil bastard.
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
Safe People by Henry Cloud
So was mine. Evil and twisted. I never went to her funeral. Still glad she is gone.
How do you get a nacrcissist to talk about things in the marriage and to actuallly make an effort to be close so both can be happy? What do we do if the narc is not allowing themselves to love you!! They are not doing in actions to allow you to come together? They will not answer questions about their feelings about you, or the marriage, or to talk through things to be able to come together and to be close. Instead, they refuse to talk to you, they refuse to reassure you within the marriage that they love or care about you? They get mad, when you are just trying to work on things. They tell you to get away from them, they are not going to answer or talk. This is so................CRAZY IN THE HEAD!! How do you fix a marriage or relationship if they refuse to talk or do anything to fix it??? He acts like he hates me! For trying to be closer to him!! HATES me for trying to love him!!! This does not make any sense to my mind!!!
It doesn’t make sense but what you just said is a mirror image of my relationship of 44years so l should know 😢
Why the narcissist love's you to death by Prof Sam Vakin...😢 Hard to hear but true 😢 your love should be going on you and those that can appreciate it . The more you show love the nastier they get .
Run! Why value someone that doesn’t value you. Never beg to give someone your love. And if they need to work to love you they DO NOT love you. This is not love. Please listen and take it from me a Narc ex husband of 10 years. The do not and will not change. Save yourself save your children. RUN! And do not look back!
@@WitchyHocusPocus the more love you show the more hate comes from them . Self love is so important
@@nicolabenjamin2661 ✌️✨
That’s just a role the company assigns them. Social media just makes it easier to create a fake identity - an identity that makes them feel magical.
Only solution I see is to stay out of relationships all together 💔.
I finally left him, he is doing exactly what you have been saying. But he is breadcrumbing... sending sad song titked, "I will be ok, will love you.." how sick was he. Like you said, he will self destruct, I will no longer advise him on how to become healthier, better looking, so on. His son hates him, he keeps pushing son to be something he can never be, and he will treating his teen son as a husband, and he is the wife. I hope his government wakes up and saves the kid. Thank you for pointing out the truth in full detail.
You did the right thing ❤
Oh I used to get the songs, too.. "I thought I'd have you for a lifetime.." "I'm saying I miss you, I've never been so ashamed, tell me how I could use a friend like you.." I told myself he used music to express himself, to say the things that he couldn't. Now I know it was a manipulation tool. Best of luck to you, you definitely did the right thing.
It's reminiscent of Dismissive-Avoidant attachment too, though not to the same extent, for sure.
I was going to say this sounds like an Attachment Disorder as well.
I was with one they defo have traits but not as bad
Dismissive avoidants are sociopaths. They aren’t capable of love.
I know this is not a new video. But I just had to add, how true! Narcissists don't want to be loved. That is so sad & strange.
You are often very funny.
Thank you for teaching us the
truth about narcissism.
It is heartbreaking I was in an abusive relationship until last year I fell in with her and its so hard I believe I still love her but the advice here is spot on
This helped me break into layers of a series of conversations had since the holidays. The thought process in here. Between the internet is intense. I am grateful I am able to gain your insightful thoughts so easily online. The internet and you are incredible. Thank you, Professor Vaknin.
Genius . Absolute Genius.
Make sure you are with someone that had a happy childhood...
Investigate their background first.
Very true
yes and i also look at how happy or unhappy their moms are.
@@ChloeJones-ne6ck I love how everyone is waking up and CONNECTING ALL THE DOTS........so you are NOT the next PUNCHING BAG.....☮️
@@ChloeJones-ne6ck what about pompous and concerned with 'keeping up appearances '
I had a terrible childhood but I'm healing and respect the love I get from my lover. We are divided into two, those who heal and those who don't
I've learned the hard way toxic relationships can only exist when both partners are toxic.
I was the submissive one, but I don't consider myself as the victim anymore, neither do I consider my ex-partner as the villain. I'm just sad we dragged eachother into our own misery.
I agree
I willfully ignored obvious red flags. So, yes, I was toxic. A healthy self-validating person would have walked away.
@@elstal22 Toxic behavior doesn't necessarily mean you are a toxic person 😘
We all humans make mistakes. We all have to learn and unfortunately not everybody gets the chance to learn from loving and supporting parents.
I really don't know what it is with narcissists. My father is one. I myself have been diagnosed with BPD. I can recognise a lot of myself in his behavior, but only to a certain level.
@@elstal22 I don't think that's true in every case. Some people convince themselves that the narcissist will change if they are patient and treat them with more kindness, often for the sake of not breaking up a family. Foolishness isn't toxicity, especially when you don't understand what you're dealing with.
I disagree completely. My ex narcissist father in law raped my 14 year old daughter. There in fact can often be ONE EVIL TOXIC PERSON, not in ANY way, 2.
If also doesn't apply in situations where children are born to narcissistic parents. The children are not born toxic.
I honestly don't see how your statement applies in most cases. At all.
Why do they always cheat with multiples . And why downgraded people.
Trying to save the unsaveable......like a rabid wild animal....
Sam, it was love for 30 years, but my wife tossed me away like a candy wrapper. Where did my love go?
20 years over here for me - you ask a difficult question....
20 years on & off here too, I was complicit In my own abuse... In my experience It's difficult to untangle it all, but liberating beyond a certain point ✨ Rediscovering yourself is paramount & on that journey gaining the invaluable knowledge & guidance from people like Dr Vaknin, slowly but surely your self love & ability to feel love translates into understanding at least you still have the ability to feel & share love ❤ Only now with more self knowledge, love, boundaries & discernment ✨ For growing healthy relationships going forward 🌈✌️😉
To assume love died or went away, there must have been love to begin with. These people are unable to love. It's impossible to loose what was never there.
Falling out of love, that's completely different process.
Into a void..
L♥️VE MUST BE SINCERE.
Wow, really deep topic that needs another play through. Polio abused my mother. Placed in an isolation ward aged 18 months. I grew up with her constantly accusing me with the words "I'd always wanted a baby to love and to hug, but YOU always pushed me away!" She was either accusing me, blaming and guilting me, using me for her needs, or neglecting me every day of my life. I've finally given up at age 67. What an enduring fool I've been.
Yes!!!! My narcissistic family member has a false face with people, with whom she basically has a transactional relationship as long as it serves, and she gets her desire for contact through dependent animals and dependent old men. Again, basically simple transactional relationships. Their own self-hatred is amazing, but eventually they turn it on anybody who doesn't live up to their expectations. The closest I got to ever hearing that they recognized it in themselves was for them to say "I was a shit", or "I should be killed!" I am also reminded of that quote, I believe from Groucho Marx, "I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would accept me as a member!"
My dilemma was staying with the person I “failed “, along with my world, esp my family. I knew he would never love me. I knew if I left I would be walking away from all love from my family. My Machiavellian saw to it that I was alienated and he was just like what the Dr. is describing. He “loves” one person. Our Son. And that’s why I had to be destroyed, I was “competition”.
Stay strong 🙏🏽 love yourself- get outside and away from them.
Narcissist where a victim of some form of abuse they did love at one time.when they craved the love they needed at such a young age . Their carers weren’t there . They where let down . Hurt . Betrayal by the person they needed the most. They needed love hugs and emotional support
Incredibly helpful! It freed me from questioning my experiences of love, cuz whenever I shared or displayed love to my parents, they would intellectually explain to me how it can't be. My father an orphan, my mother taking care since childhood of a verbally abusive and crippled mother... it makes sooo much sense that they will not tolerate to experience or acknowledge love, I feel so freed! thanks again
Great video that assists with letting go
❤
Takeaway.....only seek out healthy partners...
And yet you’re here for us… thank you.
Your last sentence is the most important. Thank you for your advise professor
So very accurate- they are allergic to actual real love. The great pretenders.
You share psychology with beautiful passion! Impressive!
One of your better videos. Excellent presentation.. This is NPD.. In the simplest form.. Thk you Professor .. Continue educating and being great! 🍷
The bad mother is bad because of the abuse she has suffered from her narcissistic father and husband. It will always be the narcissist’s fault. Not the mother’s.
My Mother was an anti-narcissist (and narcissistic in that way). I believe she loved me and did want the best for me. However she was too damaged and fearful to understand, controlling or manipulating a grown adult would not protect me. It just enabled others to do that with worse intentions.
Ive expressed how it feels for me,
Its like you have put a knife in me and twisted it and while im lying on the floor dying your looking down angry at me because i cant get up and dance.
Also,
I can't continue to fill your cup from mine if no one is filling up my cup.
We all have our own paths and even tho at times i hit rock bottom and no matter the hatred they have towards me i still wish nothing but the best. Its my path i must walk now 🙏
Your video resonated so well within me !
Thank you Dr Vaknin ⭐
It’s still very sad to discover, many years of friendship that has turned to what I believed was “a love of the lifetime “ and after 15 years of marriage, a painful discovery of this severe damaged person. There is so much I’d love to tell him, but it’s a waste, everything can and is used against me, leaving me lonely to the core of my heart. I’m leaving as quiet as possible in sadness and silence, feeling abandoned although I’m the one who initiated the separation
Absolutely spot on from my experiences with a female narc, such a battle in the end I gave up and left her to her tortured inner world. This is so spot on
You can, and should, love, but at a distance. Let your heart not be tainted by the actions of others.
Again, this describes what he said, affirms the behaviour, and to the end the realization of the impossible. It could never be.
Oh my goodness-even though I have almost been destroyed by two narcissists over the last 40 years and feeling like I was insane- when you find out about the in workings or lack of inner working of the narcissist it appears we loved and cared for an alien- tragic is an understatement. For all the hurt I have experienced and a vast part of my life lost- I would not wish being a narcissist on anyone- thank you Sam for explaining the subject so well.
Thank you Sam ❤
Absolutely spot on sam ❤
Well there you go. It's all right there. That's all you need to know. As soon as you can recognize these truths for what they are innately and without doubt because you've already tested them and know them to be true from your own painful experience with the narcissist this video is the only video you need. It answers every lingering doubt we all wrestle with and predictiably use to resist accepting the inevitable failure and end of the relationship and it leaves nothing left in your arsenal or reserves to continue fighting with or for....the narcissist is a lost cause and there is nothing that can change that not even genuine love.
Sorry for them, what a sad and empty life. Surely paying for some therapy would be the most sensible for these pond lives to invest in…for their own sake if no one else’s. Actually F’em they aren’t worth it! Run!
Dear Prof Vaknin. Thank you most sincerely. I finally understand and accept.
Unless I had known someone very well who fits all of these descriptions, I wouldn't believe any of what Sam is saying here. There are people whose childhoods have been so horrific, that in adulthood, there seemingly is no hope, sadly.
Another great session. Thanks. G
I really appreciate this scientific approach, as compared to the sensationalist channels that refer to narcs as evil or Satanic.
My mother never verbally said she loved me, nor did my father! ❤why? Was that so hard to say?
My Father never has, they can only ‘act’ how parents are to act but deep within they hold many dark sins. I have elevated my vibration in Christ and see my parents as children in old bodies. I expect nothing from them on a deep level. Just play along, behind the eyes, empty.
My mother is the same. She said having children is dumbness. And she doesnt even know the birth day of my brother and me. I have not been raised by her after age five, because of her neglect. My father died when I was two.
I don't need her validation or her anymore. That she doesnt love me does not have any meaning. Why should I give her this power over me?
I am a mother of two and never have a problem saying to them how much I Iove them. It is not hard to say, indeed it is easy to say if you love someone.
Every single word you have said is true: I will watch this video frequently: this has answered so much for me: I watch narcissistic abuse content daily, because I have to understand what the fk is happening to me, living with this malignant & covert thing: I stay away as much as I can, but I can’t seem to get rid of it…
Thank you for your insight: it has brought some relief..x
Thanks very much for this enlighting video. It describes what I've let myself get caught. It helps my way out of it.
Thank you for sharing your erudition with us.
Thank You Very Much
You made me cry
I do appreciate you
As a human being and a God… your heart
Thank You ❤🙏
Как всегда прекрасно Сэм! Так приятно Вас слушать! Всегда успокаивает 🤍
That was really helpfull. Gives a complete understanding for deeply insightful meanings. Thank you so much ❤️
Thanks for the Analysis, I finally understood my father.
I see your point about psychology and literature, you have a very persuasive turn of phrase
I don’t feel like I need anyone. I want people but I’m ok on my own, is that narcissistic?
Do you idealize, devalue and paint a person black when they no longer meet your needs? Are you cruel when no one is watching?
Or -- are you simply introverted and somewhat avoidant?
Love = Sex. When internet porn got real that was the end of being loved. I was kept around for utility purposes. Whenever the narc was hurt he would devise a punishment for me. What Dr. is describing about rejecting love is totally accurate.
I wonder how much of narcissism is contingent on heterosexuality: i had a brief emotional relationship with a seemingly bisexual man who did the whole lovebomb-devalue-discard process on me, but when it came to his homosexual relationship, he seemed pretty present and reliable. Oh well. I'll never really know. 😢
I think most are secretly gay
There is a ton of misogyny layered into narcissism.
Thank you sam for the education it has helped me so much understanding the man i was in a reletiinship with who did have a traumatic upbringing and lifestyle and masked himself to be a recovered on the path of healing journey when i met him only to have ugly core and destroy the reletionship anyway as the education from you i am not heartbroken and understand it..what i dont get is what is the drive to live within them if its not for contentment in love ultimately??so they continue to keep existing to always feel empty ???
Spot on 100%