Thank you for sharing the mirroring step in the listening process. It is a great way to remain connected to the person your speaking to and also creates a pause moment. I'm going to practice this. Thank you
Im going to implement these. Listening, mirroring, logging negativity and also telling your partner three things you appreciate about them. Im going to implement this with my family as well.
My girlfriend & I, both of us seniors, went through this a few weekends ago & it was empowering. We demonstrated before the group & were told to embrace for a full minute afterward, which might have been the best part. Helen's dismissive pat during the hug was just that: dismissive. Had I received that sort of "bro hug" from my wife or girlfriend, it would've negated everything we said prior to. It makes sense to casually hug if it's just a friend, but your wife? Maybe I'm overreacting since touch & affection are part of my love language but I think you seal the deal w/ the ending embrace.
Even though it would never fly, I love Helen's thought about getting a marriage license being like getting a driver's license. "Shouldn't a couple have to read a manual, take a test and show some proficiency before being issued a license?" That might not work in our culture today where couples wouldn't bother getting married if you have to jump through hoops. But what about this? Why don't we make this training and this relationship proficiency a prerequisite for high school graduation???
Chuck Starnes - That would be akin to requiring high school kids to take medications that were not proven out by 'Randomized Controlled" clinical trials that prove out both safety and efficay for a particular treatment. Would you also endorse that idea? Perscribing untested drugs?
OH - and I am SURE that every Psychotherapist and Counselor in America just LOVES that idea - requiring every couple to pay some therapist money, requiring therapist approval! That way, they get a cut of the wedding cost pie. On the high school issue - it's just a psychotherapy industry money grab. That's all it is.
I wonder whether Imago principles can be practiced when the other person doesn't know about the dialogue process. I also wonder whether the dialogue process can become less formal.
Does not work on psychopaths ...Its like using it in prisión...Let mirror ..You are saying you want my meal or you will beat me ...Did I get that ?? And why it bothers you if I make eye contact?? 😅
This is fairly cheesy, but I love several things: 1. Intentionally acknowledging the other and really focusing on imbibing what they say. I've been trying to be a more active listener for a while, and I regularly say "I don't understand that" or "I like that" or "I disagree with that" and try to demonstrate I know what "that" is, but I still often catch myself focusing more on crafting my own monologue. 2. Being reliable and setting times to have structured conversations. I'm definitely anxious attachment style, and whenever I have disagreements with avoidants, they frustrate me by stringing me along and refusing to talk. But that just leads to conflict debt. 3. Extracting what the wish is from a frustration and bringing that to the other person rather than the emotion itself. It just seems like a wise strategy, because it means they save time by not having to decode your emotions, and there's not that action-reaction dynamic that often causes people to be unpersuadable. 4. The fact that just saying "This is why you would like blue, and I really get that" can have such a defusing effect, whereas "Blue is stupid" makes the other person double down, is really profound. It's almost like you're willing to give up on certain battles if you can have faith the other person understands you, because true understanding means they'll want you to have a win too from time to time. I've found this tactic particularly useful in political discussions, because I can get why a lot of people have certain concerns and understand how that leads them to their conclusions while simultaneously seeing that the realities aren't simple enough to be fixed with easy, narrow, or dogmatic policies. By empathizing, my would-be opponents feel safer, at which point I'm almost always able to get them to admit things are complicated and that they don't actually have it all figured out.
That’s a very long and elaborated post for a cheesy talk lol .. To be fair, I had the same feeling as you: cheesy but actually quite profound .. and it got me thinking about what’s the definition of “cheesy”, why do we feel like it’s cheesy, why and how society has got us thinking that things that “feel simple, something between nice and naive etc.” are “cheesy” a word to which even if indirectly we ascribe a hint of negative. We seem to have a societal problem with “soft things” that are not puppies 🤔
@@BSPoK absolutely! Well put! Fascinating observations and like the possible outcomes of that that we see around and in ourselves, right? And for the original "cheesy" post :) great summary and "connflict debt" is really poigniant.
@@mirafiori1990 thank you for the compliment! You got it, it is exactly the outcomes in ourselves first and around us that are the most worrisome. This is not the place to open that debate but I’m glad my comment spoke to you ☺️..
Very interesting statistics of 13% mirroring, 87% distortion rates. I did have one question. With people who find eye contact difficult, is there any other way where mirroring could communicate well?
Instead of trying to find another way, could you try to develop your eye contact? Could you attempt to address the reason why you find it so uncomfortable? I find I've always had problems with eye contact,but then I found being authentically interested in the person has helped.
The part I disagree with is that it seems they assume everyone started out in good circumstances. Being unwanted from the beginning, and living inside a mother, who is being beaten by the father is a different journey. Same trip I guess, just the roots of despair go deeper?
And yes different. In utero epigenetic imprinting, if our mother dealt with alot of stress and abuse - the chemicals released in her body- in utero we can become addicted to which later in life we may recognize that pattern in relationships we become part of - subconcious and pre-born addicted to. But we can break the pattern with awareness and therapy and release. If that has not worked, look up EMDR therapy it is much faster and works allows body and mind to process past trauma so we can finally be free and released from it. Best wished.
Some people run a great distance, and win an Olympic gold. Some people forgive sins of a great distance, and receive true grace. Your path is as blessed as you believe you are. Thank you for your story.
Also Helen .this seems to me is that u wanted to connect and your husband welcomed it by mirroring..so was this an appreciation for your couple bonding or otherwise?
Marshall Rosenberg was in no way proprietorial about ‘his’ ideas. He was simply communicating a truth he felt it important to share. As are Harville and Helen.
I THINK you will always find these ideas are said by many people in different ways. Even in the Bible a tew thousand years ago - slow to anger, quick to listen
ipadsforautism maybe you have a bad self life this is for those who has depression and needs a uplifting in there life so I know we can be wonderful if you put your heart into it.so pls don't be so be so negative.
What I'm hearing is that you feel that there are some people who are simply NOT good, they were just born that way and it is in their nature, did I get that right? Do you have any more thoughts on that?
Thank you for sharing the mirroring step in the listening process. It is a great way to remain connected to the person your speaking to and also creates a pause moment. I'm going to practice this. Thank you
Im going to implement these. Listening, mirroring, logging negativity and also telling your partner three things you appreciate about them. Im going to implement this with my family as well.
Did it work?!
over 31K people have listened / watched this. People need to have techniques or ways to get alog. Thank you dear ones for doing this talk at google.
I would love to hear a better example than the tie
My girlfriend & I, both of us seniors, went through this a few weekends ago & it was empowering. We demonstrated before the group & were told to embrace for a full minute afterward, which might have been the best part. Helen's dismissive pat during the hug was just that: dismissive. Had I received that sort of "bro hug" from my wife or girlfriend, it would've negated everything we said prior to. It makes sense to casually hug if it's just a friend, but your wife?
Maybe I'm overreacting since touch & affection are part of my love language but I think you seal the deal w/ the ending embrace.
Even though it would never fly, I love Helen's thought about getting a marriage license being like getting a driver's license. "Shouldn't a couple have to read a manual, take a test and show some proficiency before being issued a license?" That might not work in our culture today where couples wouldn't bother getting married if you have to jump through hoops. But what about this? Why don't we make this training and this relationship proficiency a prerequisite for high school graduation???
I would like that!
Chuck Starnes - That would be akin to requiring high school kids to take medications that were not proven out by 'Randomized Controlled" clinical trials that prove out both safety and efficay for a particular treatment. Would you also endorse that idea? Perscribing untested drugs?
Because it would be an actual practical skill
OH - and I am SURE that every Psychotherapist and Counselor in America just LOVES that idea - requiring every couple to pay some therapist money, requiring therapist approval! That way, they get a cut of the wedding cost pie.
On the high school issue - it's just a psychotherapy industry money grab. That's all it is.
So true
I wonder whether Imago principles can be practiced when the other person doesn't know about the dialogue process. I also wonder whether the dialogue process can become less formal.
Could you do a seminar with our government:congress, senate, executive office?!
YES! Please!!!
Does not work on psychopaths ...Its like using it in prisión...Let mirror ..You are saying you want my meal or you will beat me ...Did I get that ?? And why it bothers you if I make eye contact?? 😅
Yes, I wish the government officials would take this information in and use it.
The 1st 15 mins gave me so much joy.
Great. I’m reading their book and listening to this at the same time.
Wished Google would teleprompt the screen so we could see what appears! I have no clue what their slides were reflecting
This is fairly cheesy, but I love several things:
1. Intentionally acknowledging the other and really focusing on imbibing what they say. I've been trying to be a more active listener for a while, and I regularly say "I don't understand that" or "I like that" or "I disagree with that" and try to demonstrate I know what "that" is, but I still often catch myself focusing more on crafting my own monologue.
2. Being reliable and setting times to have structured conversations. I'm definitely anxious attachment style, and whenever I have disagreements with avoidants, they frustrate me by stringing me along and refusing to talk. But that just leads to conflict debt.
3. Extracting what the wish is from a frustration and bringing that to the other person rather than the emotion itself. It just seems like a wise strategy, because it means they save time by not having to decode your emotions, and there's not that action-reaction dynamic that often causes people to be unpersuadable.
4. The fact that just saying "This is why you would like blue, and I really get that" can have such a defusing effect, whereas "Blue is stupid" makes the other person double down, is really profound. It's almost like you're willing to give up on certain battles if you can have faith the other person understands you, because true understanding means they'll want you to have a win too from time to time. I've found this tactic particularly useful in political discussions, because I can get why a lot of people have certain concerns and understand how that leads them to their conclusions while simultaneously seeing that the realities aren't simple enough to be fixed with easy, narrow, or dogmatic policies. By empathizing, my would-be opponents feel safer, at which point I'm almost always able to get them to admit things are complicated and that they don't actually have it all figured out.
That’s a very long and elaborated post for a cheesy talk lol .. To be fair, I had the same feeling as you: cheesy but actually quite profound .. and it got me thinking about what’s the definition of “cheesy”, why do we feel like it’s cheesy, why and how society has got us thinking that things that “feel simple, something between nice and naive etc.” are “cheesy” a word to which even if indirectly we ascribe a hint of negative. We seem to have a societal problem with “soft things” that are not puppies 🤔
@@BSPoK absolutely! Well put! Fascinating observations and like the possible outcomes of that that we see around and in ourselves, right?
And for the original "cheesy" post :) great summary and "connflict debt" is really poigniant.
@@mirafiori1990 thank you for the compliment! You got it, it is exactly the outcomes in ourselves first and around us that are the most worrisome. This is not the place to open that debate but I’m glad my comment spoke to you ☺️..
Thank you to all who commented. Harville and Helen could save us all! Your ideas, language, energy are powerful!
this is amazing thank you both! ♥️
I'm here after reading is book " getting the love you want "
Mirroring: some therapists called it reflection. Very good intro to how to fix a marriage!
I admit, 10% get it right first time! 90% have trouble! This couple is right! They are pouring out the best wine at the end!
Where is the evidence this couple is right? Is there any actual science, to back up their claims?
That was AMAZING really loved it THANK YOU!!! 💗👀💛
This is great. Thanks much for sharing!
Thank you, this was very insightful
love this! shout out to George Kazakos to putting me on to this!
Very interesting statistics of 13% mirroring, 87% distortion rates. I did have one question. With people who find eye contact difficult, is there any other way where mirroring could communicate well?
Instead of trying to find another way, could you try to develop your eye contact? Could you attempt to address the reason why you find it so uncomfortable?
I find I've always had problems with eye contact,but then I found being authentically interested in the person has helped.
Thanks for sharing this, it was very interesting.
Is there a Japanese version of this book?
🎉we are wonderfull 🎉
I wish the volume on this was higher. I can barely hear them
Just a question was this an appreciation of Dr Harville or validation of experience and reawakening memories of the wife
What the name of the therapy and where
Imago
The part I disagree with is that it seems they assume everyone started out in good circumstances. Being unwanted from the beginning, and living inside a mother, who is being beaten by the father is a different journey. Same trip I guess, just the roots of despair go deeper?
They deal with abuse as well. Look at this one ruclips.net/video/aQRU6XiuVNA/видео.html
And yes different. In utero epigenetic imprinting, if our mother dealt with alot of stress and abuse - the chemicals released in her body- in utero we can become addicted to which later in life we may recognize that pattern in relationships we become part of - subconcious and pre-born addicted to. But we can break the pattern with awareness and therapy and release. If that has not worked, look up EMDR therapy it is much faster and works allows body and mind to process past trauma so we can finally be free and released from it. Best wished.
Some people run a great distance, and win an Olympic gold. Some people forgive sins of a great distance, and receive true grace. Your path is as blessed as you believe you are. Thank you for your story.
this is all about positive feedback. what if it is negative feedback for person with Narcisstic traits
yes I really like this
Am interested in having a marriage school.
Also Helen .this seems to me is that u wanted to connect and your husband welcomed it by mirroring..so was this an appreciation for your couple bonding or otherwise?
Come on, Google! Couldn't ya make it so we can read all of the slides. :0 LOL
google, genuis but myopic in so many ways.
Genius
Do they ever give Marshall Rosenberg credit for stealing his ideas almost verbatim?
Marshall Rosenberg was in no way proprietorial about ‘his’ ideas. He was simply communicating a truth he felt it important to share. As are Harville and Helen.
@@aday1615 Goes to show, great minds think alike...
I THINK you will always find these ideas are said by many people in different ways. Even in the Bible a tew thousand years ago - slow to anger, quick to listen
why are they talking to the audience like children??
is there anyone in the audience?
Not everyone IS wonderful. So you start off this talk with a flat out lie.
ipadsforautism maybe you have a bad self life this is for those who has depression and needs a uplifting in there life so I know we can be wonderful if you put your heart into it.so pls don't be so be so negative.
Well I'm freaking awesome I don't know about you
What I'm hearing is that you feel that there are some people who are simply NOT good, they were just born that way and it is in their nature, did I get that right? Do you have any more thoughts on that?
@@maxbesterman7196 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
@@maxbesterman7196 well done Max...you phrased that so nicely...