Don't think you have any chance whatsoever. My ex-wife knew she is an avoidant, started therapy, did meditation, breathing exercises, affirmations... And in parallel she continued to pull away, fault find, taking things for granted, blaming me for the problems in the relationship, and, in the end discarded me after 1.5 years of therapy. Blindside discard when I was at my lowest and actually needed her help due to financial problems and deaths in the family. Prior to that I supported her for over 6 years of relationship and marriage. Don't have any illusions things will improve. In my experience this is a disorder with neurotransmitter and hormonal dysregulation, not an attachement style as they like to put it. Do your best to just move on
I dated 5 DAs (8-10 visually, emotionally 1-2 only). All shown the same patterns. They are the most emotionally selfish people. Your gut feeling can spot them very soon as when you ask for some emotional help or compassion they just stare in you practically saying nothing or they change the subject. Inconsistency is also lacking, so expect randomized meetings with lot of stress setting the date. Don't expect them to get back to you after a break up as their inner shame is far greater than their will to trap you again, specially if you told them you know who they are. They need probably years of working on themselves to maybe get to as more secure person. So avoid the avoidants the sooner the better.
The emotional selfishness is exactly who they are. I spent 25 years married to one. She left and I started learning about attachment styles and I told her that I never knew who she really was for 25 years but I sure do now. I havent heard from her since. Your post is 100% accurate.
@@Bertscout it is harder to recognize them at start as they don't have you as a person that is already too close to them so less red flags. Watch for your gut feeling. If something is off BYO, usually it is even a small one. So you need more time, also if you are not skilled and you are anxious attached you don't pay to much attention to this. When you express yourself about closeness with them you'll mostly get cold response with no emotions and for you will be this a first red flag. The more you want to be close the more they will avoid you. To resume: a good indicator is when you interact with them when you would roll your eyes hearing something off from them. One told me once after holding her hand and hugging her - why do you do this to me, I'm not used to that ... I rolled my eyes.
the last one was what really broke me in my marriage with a dismissive avoidant wife. for months in therapy my most painful realization was that slowly and gradually losing her as she was withdrawing and demanding more and more space between us was something that wasn’t in my control to change even with all my effort. knowing the she’s deflected responsibility and narrative to blaming me and projecting onto me what she was unapologetically doing, realizing that this was a divide beyond repair not because i need to define truth and facts but knowing that this would just repeat her depreciation and disrespect of me anytime i wouldn’t agree with her treatment of me and the relationship. that the only boundary to hold in order to not be emotionally deprived for the rest of my life was to leave the marriage.
Married to one for 25 years and I can’t tell you how many times I heard “I’m working on it” And how many times I fell for it. It’s stunning how cookie cutter their behavior is. They’ll use the exact same sentences like they went to the same workshop on how to be a DA.
After 12 years & looking back, she never once asked me how my day was & if we discussed my day & i had issues she truly wouldn't care and would simply say "sorry." If I was sick she wouldn't even offer to get me a glass of water but id wait on her non stop. She would almost seem annoyed that I was sick at times. Lol. After 3 months, i feel so good and my bank acct is amazing! Haha
I was with 2 narcs. Every time I had some trouble with health they pushed me away like garbage. They don't want to deal with your feelings and needs as the don't have empathy.
8 months later I still think about her smh. I hate it so much. She's literally in another relationship and I'm here thinking. Mind you a month before the break we were talking marriage.
It might happen that they had been going through therapy earlier, but they've decided to stop with that, because it's became "too painful and exhausting". They might come to the conclusion that their personality for a good part is not a reflection of themselves, but a reflection of their reaction to external things. In other words, a lot of things they do are done with an intention to prove themselves in the eyes of others because of their insecurities. It's crazy how they one week feel weak and unlovable, but next week they will start to literally invent anything that might be a difference between yourselves and this comes to them as a trigger. One day they will tell you to give them space and time and the next day they will expect you to be there for them and if you don't do that they are hostile. That's insane honestly.
Can’t thank you enough for this video. Can’t thank the angelic algorithms to have placed you on my feed when I needed your wisdom the most. ✅ New Subscriber 🙏🏻
They want a human appliance. Say nothing. Ask for nothing. Want nothing. Expect nothing. Just be there until they need you for something. When you provide that something, go back to being an appliance. I.e. A toaster, coffee maker, microwave, a tool.
This is my ex to a T! Can not resolve conflict when triggered. Can not self regulate her emotions. After the dust has settled or her pride/ego has regulated she comes back. Maybe a month maybe three months but she always comes back. And since I always let her back in, it's as much my fault as it is hers now! Ugh what a trap I fell into!!!
Thank you!! I’m sorry that you had to go through this and you’re welcome, the videos that I can do that with I’m going go make sure to add those timestamps!
I watched so many avoidant ex videos just to realise that I am an avoidant myself. Damn.. but once in a relationship I would not leave unless I am extremely triggered
My ex said he ended things because i violated his boundaries ): he thought my piercings (i have a lot of oral piercings) were hurting him during intimacy, even though he confided in me even before he met me he was already having issues. He asked me to remove my piercings next time we were intimate and i said i would, but next time czme and i honeslty forgot since i have my piercings in 24/7. He seemed like he enjoyed it though. The next day i felt bad and apolgized to him for not having had renoved my piercings during intimacy and he got angry. We were together but eventually he ended things and said its because i violated his boundaries and i broke his trust when i forgot to tale off my piericngs
Do they still trigger if there is less stress no kids involved?? My coward is moving away and will move in with the rebound and leaving the kids with me! He’s 54 years and his rebound also the same age, maybe they both get along better? I’m 11 years younger! I mean he might change?
no. no kids, marriage ect won't make a difference. everything stresses them out, triggers them and is too emotionally overwhelming (unless it's work or projects. they are work aholics) I'm 3yrs into one of the most painful, confusing and emotionally challenging relationships I've ever experienced. Finally, no contact with my 50yr old (I'm 5yrs younger) DA. He's 50yrs old. No kids, never married, never engaged, never lived with a woman, has never brought a woman home to meet his parents. I'm the first woman he's told "I love you" since he was 22yrs old. yes, he's an extreme, severe DA. lucky me!!! 🎉😂 Please understand, he will not change just magically on his own. It take YEARS (I've heard 3-5yrs) of intense therapy, (like CBT, DBT, EMDR) 24/7 hard work, healing, working thru all their core wounds, understanding their triggers and finding healthier deactivation strategies and learning how to open up, communicate, be vulnerable and not pull away. A DA by nature, will not willing sign up for all that. They want easy. they do not want to dig deep within. They prefer to move on to the next unsuspecting person who won't challenge them (at first. bc humans will eventually place expectations on a partner after a bit of time) and they'll hop to relationship to unfulfilling relationship after another. Destroying lives and causing trauma to everyone who tries to love them
Don't think you have any chance whatsoever. My ex-wife knew she is an avoidant, started therapy, did meditation, breathing exercises, affirmations... And in parallel she continued to pull away, fault find, taking things for granted, blaming me for the problems in the relationship, and, in the end discarded me after 1.5 years of therapy. Blindside discard when I was at my lowest and actually needed her help due to financial problems and deaths in the family. Prior to that I supported her for over 6 years of relationship and marriage.
Don't have any illusions things will improve. In my experience this is a disorder with neurotransmitter and hormonal dysregulation, not an attachement style as they like to put it. Do your best to just move on
I dated 5 DAs (8-10 visually, emotionally 1-2 only). All shown the same patterns. They are the most emotionally selfish people. Your gut feeling can spot them very soon as when you ask for some emotional help or compassion they just stare in you practically saying nothing or they change the subject. Inconsistency is also lacking, so expect randomized meetings with lot of stress setting the date. Don't expect them to get back to you after a break up as their inner shame is far greater than their will to trap you again, specially if you told them you know who they are. They need probably years of working on themselves to maybe get to as more secure person. So avoid the avoidants the sooner the better.
The emotional selfishness is exactly who they are. I spent 25 years married to one. She left and I started learning about attachment styles and I told her that I never knew who she really was for 25 years but I sure do now. I havent heard from her since. Your post is 100% accurate.
Uhmm are there signs at the start that they are obviously avoidant?
@@Bertscout it is harder to recognize them at start as they don't have you as a person that is already too close to them so less red flags. Watch for your gut feeling. If something is off BYO, usually it is even a small one. So you need more time, also if you are not skilled and you are anxious attached you don't pay to much attention to this. When you express yourself about closeness with them you'll mostly get cold response with no emotions and for you will be this a first red flag. The more you want to be close the more they will avoid you. To resume: a good indicator is when you interact with them when you would roll your eyes hearing something off from them. One told me once after holding her hand and hugging her - why do you do this to me, I'm not used to that ... I rolled my eyes.
the last one was what really broke me in my marriage with a dismissive avoidant wife. for months in therapy my most painful realization was that slowly and gradually losing her as she was withdrawing and demanding more and more space between us was something that wasn’t in my control to change even with all my effort. knowing the she’s deflected responsibility and narrative to blaming me and projecting onto me what she was unapologetically doing, realizing that this was a divide beyond repair not because i need to define truth and facts but knowing that this would just repeat her depreciation and disrespect of me anytime i wouldn’t agree with her treatment of me and the relationship. that the only boundary to hold in order to not be emotionally deprived for the rest of my life was to leave the marriage.
You will get to the point where you don’t have the courage to call them because you are not sure they will pick up. So frustrating
Yes 9 months with one and I became an emotional wreck. Never again!
Toxic advice: stop overthinking and get yourself a rebound relationship after being discarded 😂 it works well for me
😅😢😼
I am waking up and starting to heal, so now for the first time I want to let go and move on! Thank you for your advice!
Married to one for 25 years and I can’t tell you how many times I heard “I’m working on it” And how many times I fell for it. It’s stunning how cookie cutter their behavior is. They’ll use the exact same sentences like they went to the same workshop on how to be a DA.
After 12 years & looking back, she never once asked me how my day was & if we discussed my day & i had issues she truly wouldn't care and would simply say "sorry." If I was sick she wouldn't even offer to get me a glass of water but id wait on her non stop. She would almost seem annoyed that I was sick at times. Lol. After 3 months, i feel so good and my bank acct is amazing! Haha
I was with 2 narcs. Every time I had some trouble with health they pushed me away like garbage. They don't want to deal with your feelings and needs as the don't have empathy.
Yup been dealing with a guy for 9months who is an avoidant, a horrible experience. I will never deal with an avoidant again.
8 months later I still think about her smh. I hate it so much. She's literally in another relationship and I'm here thinking. Mind you a month before the break we were talking marriage.
buddy, your free! you are way more better worthy
I believe that’s called future faking. Avoidants are master of it
It might happen that they had been going through therapy earlier, but they've decided to stop with that, because it's became "too painful and exhausting". They might come to the conclusion that their personality for a good part is not a reflection of themselves, but a reflection of their reaction to external things. In other words, a lot of things they do are done with an intention to prove themselves in the eyes of others because of their insecurities. It's crazy how they one week feel weak and unlovable, but next week they will start to literally invent anything that might be a difference between yourselves and this comes to them as a trigger. One day they will tell you to give them space and time and the next day they will expect you to be there for them and if you don't do that they are hostile. That's insane honestly.
Can’t thank you enough for this video. Can’t thank the angelic algorithms to have placed you on my feed when I needed your wisdom the most. ✅ New Subscriber 🙏🏻
They want a human appliance.
Say nothing.
Ask for nothing.
Want nothing.
Expect nothing.
Just be there until they need you for something. When you provide that something, go back to being an appliance.
I.e.
A toaster, coffee maker, microwave, a tool.
This is my ex to a T! Can not resolve conflict when triggered. Can not self regulate her emotions. After the dust has settled or her pride/ego has regulated she comes back. Maybe a month maybe three months but she always comes back. And since I always let her back in, it's as much my fault as it is hers now! Ugh what a trap I fell into!!!
Great video, this was my life with my DA ex. Thanks for the time stamps!
Thank you!! I’m sorry that you had to go through this and you’re welcome, the videos that I can do that with I’m going go make sure to add those timestamps!
I watched so many avoidant ex videos just to realise that I am an avoidant myself. Damn.. but once in a relationship I would not leave unless I am extremely triggered
Thanks!
You are so welcome!! I really appreciate your super thanks! 😊
My ex said he ended things because i violated his boundaries ): he thought my piercings (i have a lot of oral piercings) were hurting him during intimacy, even though he confided in me even before he met me he was already having issues. He asked me to remove my piercings next time we were intimate and i said i would, but next time czme and i honeslty forgot since i have my piercings in 24/7. He seemed like he enjoyed it though. The next day i felt bad and apolgized to him for not having had renoved my piercings during intimacy and he got angry. We were together but eventually he ended things and said its because i violated his boundaries and i broke his trust when i forgot to tale off my piericngs
Do they still trigger if there is less stress no kids involved?? My coward is moving away and will move in with the rebound and leaving the kids with me!
He’s 54 years and his rebound also the same age, maybe they both get along better? I’m 11 years younger! I mean he might change?
The age difference was possibly a reproduction and attraction move for him
no. no kids, marriage ect won't make a difference. everything stresses them out, triggers them and is too emotionally overwhelming (unless it's work or projects. they are work aholics) I'm 3yrs into one of the most painful, confusing and emotionally challenging relationships I've ever experienced. Finally, no contact with my 50yr old (I'm 5yrs younger) DA.
He's 50yrs old. No kids, never married, never engaged, never lived with a woman, has never brought a woman home to meet his parents. I'm the first woman he's told "I love you" since he was 22yrs old. yes, he's an extreme, severe DA. lucky me!!! 🎉😂
Please understand, he will not change just magically on his own. It take YEARS (I've heard 3-5yrs) of intense therapy, (like CBT, DBT, EMDR) 24/7 hard work, healing, working thru all their core wounds, understanding their triggers and finding healthier deactivation strategies and learning how to open up, communicate, be vulnerable and not pull away. A DA by nature, will not willing sign up for all that. They want easy. they do not want to dig deep within. They prefer to move on to the next unsuspecting person who won't challenge them (at first. bc humans will eventually place expectations on a partner after a bit of time) and they'll hop to relationship to unfulfilling relationship after another. Destroying lives and causing trauma to everyone who tries to love them
Would a Borderline be considered an avoidant or is that whole other can of worms?
I think they do over lap! Coach Ken has a great video on Borderline personality disorder!
@@TimStJohn-xp8rv Thank you !!
100%
Toxic advice: stop overthinking and get yourself a rebound relationship after being discarded 😂 it works well for me