Very good advice, DSD. If you purposely cut the links, at some point you will cry the links are cut. This relationship mom/son doesn't end when the son is 18 yo and the traumas - rejections' feelings last forever.
I've had trouble with my oldest treating me and their sibling poorly in the past. I've addressed it by asking them if they think people will want to be around them if they treat people so poorly. This has made them pause and reflect to the best of their ability. Otherwise, therapy has helped, but for a 17 year old, I'd imagine that is tough.
It seems you saw nothing yet or you don't know what a narc child is. They (narcs) are double faced. One face (charismatic and lovely) to the public and a completely different one in privacy.
I understand what you're saying Maura, but you at least have to try and if we are lucky (and they aren't following in satan's footsteps) then MAYBE they might reflect. But if they are - nothing good is going to come from it and only pain...
@@maura1686 I've actually had success with this method. It takes a lot of patience. Teenagers are tough no matter what, but my oldest has calmed down a lot with this approach from me. There are many fewer incidents where I need to mention something like this. If they had not improved, I'd still take this approach to show them the mirror of reality as well as gray rock them.
I hear you on that Spider - I've had success with my kids but it has been VERY slow and honestly a lot of pain. There are a handful of times where I was ready to just quit but I was able to persevere. Hell even this last spring break almost didn't happen because I was so frustrated and "done" that I almost just stayed at work and used that as an excuse. But, at the end of the day I realized this is the LAST break that I will ever have so I figured I'd try to make it memorable and TBH it went much better than I had expected...
I have a comment/question. What are your thoughts on appealing to the child’s empathy, telling them that your feelings are hurt when they don’t communicate with you and that you want to have a closer relationship so that these types of favors are more compelling. Is this lost on them? Any experiences anyone has had would be much appreciated.
You might be setting yourself up for disappointment if you attempt appealing to an empathic side that may not be there. It could throw you off badly in a critical moment when you need your better wits about you. Btw, I'm not a parent. This is coming from my experiences with narcissistic people. I'm sure any child could unintentionally be a flying monkey to a toxic person. We get enough surprise 'moments of truth' from narc types, and I can't imagine how hurtful it would be for a parent to have their child give them one.
I've tried this approach, with no results, for 15 years. I've learned narcs are predators. When they smell a weak prey, they will either attack its jugular or completely lose interest.
Hi Sandy, I have worked with people in that situation. The problem with appealing to their empathy is that it can come across as you guilt tripping them. So you have to be very careful and deliberate in how you have that interaction. However, you have to try something but you have to have realistic expectations and you have to be emotionally detached when you are doing it. I’ve seen SO MANY times where people doing that get labeled as doing guilt trips and being “manipulative”. I think, like Maura mention, if you try and it doesn’t work then you can’t keep subjecting yourself to continual emotional abuse.
That dependent 17 year old is almost done with his childhood and about to become an adult. At that point, you just have to not take it personally and take it to the end (18). A part of your life is coming to an end and 'real life' is coming for the soon to be 18 year old. That relationship is about to need to have some big changes... but not yet... but soon. He seems like he's ready to 'leave the nest' and that's not a bad thing in broader view of parenting. We want our kids to leave the nest and creating their own family. It's just about time for him to 'leave and cleave' but you just have to be supportive and not think like you have many more years to parent this 17 year old. Just try to minimize the traumatic part and be the steady rock. Regarding that dad, nothing you do should amount to a competition with him. A parent invests what they felt was appropriate within our own means and that's something you can live with. All investments in family don't pay off (not a lot of them do... marriage itself is often one of them these days). That's just the way it is. We just do the best we can until our time is over and then form an adult relationship with our grown offspring with adult boundaries and it's all voluntary after that (aka: you have a lot more agency about what kind of behavior you'll condone in your own home once they are out of the house). Change is coming soon for this one. Parents have to be 'ready' for that in their own mindset. My suggestion is the 'finish line is in sight' and your role is about to change in his life so be prepared and have your mind in that space rather than the temporary 'now' (aka: there is hope and plan for that and don't get bogged down in the 'now').
Love this response! Thank you! I, as Mama am trying to "pause and think" like Duane said, while enjoying my son's absence by going out with friends, taking myself on weekend getaways and enjoying restful movie marathons at home 🍿🎥 and out at the theater. All my son's college acceptance letters are at my home and my son needs to execute next steps to select a University and begin his academic life. It feels sooo uncomfortable for me, still taking responsibility at this time for guiding my son through this process, when he's chosen to stay right now with Dad; and my son rarely texts, never phones, and dad continues to under-function and doesn't encourage our son to do what's necessary, to complete the college application process before time runs out. So I'm expected to stay in character and remain engaged in my son's success and outcomes when I'm not guaranteed he'll return a text or a call effort on my part. Like Duane said though, I'm in the home stretch and can see the finish line; and 17 yr olds are often immature in general. It's just exhausting to have to wrestle with a teen for small amounts of cooperation when I've explained that life has me as a parent exhausted right now. My energy reserves are beginning to be replenished though slowly. My thanks to you and to Duane for your feedback and understanding. Thank you!👍🏼🌟🎆🙏🏼
My kids have decided to completely disregard me and their moms word is gospel to them. This has damaged our relationship dramatically and to the point where they don’t want to see me anymore. I’m trying to prevent from being stuck in the family court charades because men are eaten alive in family in Texas.
My son was a complete pain in the arse at that age .He treated me horribly and completely sided with his mother.He even managed to write my car off and never said a word of apology.He even said he owed me nothing with his upbringing.I am still estranged from him .The toxic ex still poisons his mind.
So sorry to hear that Alonzo... These people have a unique ability to twist the minds of their children... I hate to say it but my mom was able to do that to me too... Unfortunately my dad didn't know what he was dealing with it AND how to approach it so he was his own worst enemy with me when I was going up. BUT throughout that I ALWAYS wanted a relationship with him. If your son every realizes what happen I hope there is a path back for you both.
For that to happen and then to win the best actor award... Talk about ZERO consequences for your actions... They should have escorted him out of the building and let someone else accept the award on his behalf...
The really sad part is he ruined the "best" moment of his life - it will FOREVER be overshadowed with the violence and the swearing at him... God he should have just sat there and done nothing... My guess is had the last year with his wife not happened then maybe he would have dealt with it differently... BUT it just shows that Hollywood talks about love and peace but when push comes to shove let's just revert back to violence...
The danger is you don't acknowledge the reality that sometimes "kids" are going to go down that dark path... It doesn't mean that you HAVE to (or should) allow them a place in your life to continue the abuse. Just like if you ultimately decide your parents are toxic and not good for your life or mental health...
Ms. Jasmine, *why are YOU filling out college applications for a 17 yr. old?* Can’t the kid read and write? ;-) And you’re paying for the “privilege” of having this huge financial commitment once again *arranged by you?* What happened to work/study? How committed is this kid to higher education for example if you’re making allllll the arrangements? Let’s not forget you somehow think you are responsible for “arranging” his graduation party as well? Oh dear. Frankly, it sounds like he’s livin’ his best life and a clearly entitled one because you want him to have blaaa blaa blaa. You’re so busy facilitating his life as you think it “should be”no wonder you feel resentful! Whew. I know this is tricky. Please step back, Ms. Jasmine. If he wants all this stuff make sure he has an INVESTMENT in the outcome, OK? No investment=don’t care about the thing all that much......
I always wish I could double like your videos Because they are right on point! 👍👍
Very good advice, DSD. If you purposely cut the links, at some point you will cry the links are cut. This relationship mom/son doesn't end when the son is 18 yo and the traumas - rejections' feelings last forever.
I've had trouble with my oldest treating me and their sibling poorly in the past. I've addressed it by asking them if they think people will want to be around them if they treat people so poorly. This has made them pause and reflect to the best of their ability. Otherwise, therapy has helped, but for a 17 year old, I'd imagine that is tough.
It seems you saw nothing yet or you don't know what a narc child is. They (narcs) are double faced. One face (charismatic and lovely) to the public and a completely different one in privacy.
I understand what you're saying Maura, but you at least have to try and if we are lucky (and they aren't following in satan's footsteps) then MAYBE they might reflect. But if they are - nothing good is going to come from it and only pain...
@@maura1686 I've actually had success with this method. It takes a lot of patience. Teenagers are tough no matter what, but my oldest has calmed down a lot with this approach from me. There are many fewer incidents where I need to mention something like this. If they had not improved, I'd still take this approach to show them the mirror of reality as well as gray rock them.
I hear you on that Spider - I've had success with my kids but it has been VERY slow and honestly a lot of pain. There are a handful of times where I was ready to just quit but I was able to persevere. Hell even this last spring break almost didn't happen because I was so frustrated and "done" that I almost just stayed at work and used that as an excuse. But, at the end of the day I realized this is the LAST break that I will ever have so I figured I'd try to make it memorable and TBH it went much better than I had expected...
@@DSD so good to hear this
Thank You!Thank You!Thank You!
You are so welcome!
Contributions are great selfish beings taking advantage isn't good yes stop/ consequences of their behavior is key
I have a comment/question. What are your thoughts on appealing to the child’s empathy, telling them that your feelings are hurt when they don’t communicate with you and that you want to have a closer relationship so that these types of favors are more compelling. Is this lost on them? Any experiences anyone has had would be much appreciated.
You might be setting yourself up for disappointment if you attempt appealing to an empathic side that may not be there. It could throw you off badly in a critical moment when you need your better wits about you.
Btw, I'm not a parent. This is coming from my experiences with narcissistic people. I'm sure any child could unintentionally be a flying monkey to a toxic person.
We get enough surprise 'moments of truth' from narc types, and I can't imagine how hurtful it would be for a parent to have their child give them one.
@@djhrecordhound4391 Agree 100%!
I've tried this approach, with no results, for 15 years. I've learned narcs are predators. When they smell a weak prey, they will either attack its jugular or completely lose interest.
Hi Sandy, I have worked with people in that situation. The problem with appealing to their empathy is that it can come across as you guilt tripping them. So you have to be very careful and deliberate in how you have that interaction. However, you have to try something but you have to have realistic expectations and you have to be emotionally detached when you are doing it. I’ve seen SO MANY times where people doing that get labeled as doing guilt trips and being “manipulative”. I think, like Maura mention, if you try and it doesn’t work then you can’t keep subjecting yourself to continual emotional abuse.
@@DSD Thanks, and Thanks to everyone who commented.
That dependent 17 year old is almost done with his childhood and about to become an adult. At that point, you just have to not take it personally and take it to the end (18). A part of your life is coming to an end and 'real life' is coming for the soon to be 18 year old. That relationship is about to need to have some big changes... but not yet... but soon. He seems like he's ready to 'leave the nest' and that's not a bad thing in broader view of parenting. We want our kids to leave the nest and creating their own family. It's just about time for him to 'leave and cleave' but you just have to be supportive and not think like you have many more years to parent this 17 year old. Just try to minimize the traumatic part and be the steady rock.
Regarding that dad, nothing you do should amount to a competition with him. A parent invests what they felt was appropriate within our own means and that's something you can live with. All investments in family don't pay off (not a lot of them do... marriage itself is often one of them these days). That's just the way it is. We just do the best we can until our time is over and then form an adult relationship with our grown offspring with adult boundaries and it's all voluntary after that (aka: you have a lot more agency about what kind of behavior you'll condone in your own home once they are out of the house). Change is coming soon for this one. Parents have to be 'ready' for that in their own mindset. My suggestion is the 'finish line is in sight' and your role is about to change in his life so be prepared and have your mind in that space rather than the temporary 'now' (aka: there is hope and plan for that and don't get bogged down in the 'now').
Love this response!
Thank you!
I, as Mama am trying to "pause and think" like Duane said, while enjoying my son's absence by going out with friends, taking myself on weekend getaways and enjoying restful movie marathons at home 🍿🎥 and out at the theater.
All my son's college acceptance letters are at my home and my son needs to execute next steps to select a University and begin his academic life.
It feels sooo uncomfortable for me, still taking responsibility at this time for guiding my son through this process, when he's chosen to stay right now with Dad; and my son rarely texts, never phones, and dad continues to under-function and doesn't encourage our son to do what's necessary, to complete the college application process before time runs out.
So I'm expected to stay in character and remain engaged in my son's success and outcomes when I'm not guaranteed he'll return a text or a call effort on my part. Like Duane said though, I'm in the home stretch and can see the finish line; and 17 yr olds are often immature in general. It's just exhausting to have to wrestle with a teen for small amounts of cooperation when I've explained that life has me as a parent exhausted right now. My energy reserves are beginning to be replenished though slowly.
My thanks to you and to Duane for your feedback and understanding. Thank you!👍🏼🌟🎆🙏🏼
My kids have decided to completely disregard me and their moms word is gospel to them. This has damaged our relationship dramatically and to the point where they don’t want to see me anymore. I’m trying to prevent from being stuck in the family court charades because men are eaten alive in family in Texas.
My son was a complete pain in the arse at that age .He treated me horribly and completely sided with his mother.He even managed to write my car off and never said a word of apology.He even said he owed me nothing with his upbringing.I am still estranged from him .The toxic ex still poisons his mind.
So sorry to hear that Alonzo... These people have a unique ability to twist the minds of their children... I hate to say it but my mom was able to do that to me too... Unfortunately my dad didn't know what he was dealing with it AND how to approach it so he was his own worst enemy with me when I was going up. BUT throughout that I ALWAYS wanted a relationship with him. If your son every realizes what happen I hope there is a path back for you both.
Just write your ex. off… once and for all ..!!
Takes a long time to get there, especially when you have kids - but for your own sanity and to get your life back you have too!
I am 5 years into this… 3 kids 17, 21 and 24
I have bin thru it all … a 1000 times.
The only way is to take the beating and write them of
I recently found out that the best solution to these types of problems is a swift open palm to the face.
Yeah that sure was weird and wrong….
100%
For that to happen and then to win the best actor award... Talk about ZERO consequences for your actions... They should have escorted him out of the building and let someone else accept the award on his behalf...
@@DSD definitely the best meme of the decade now
The really sad part is he ruined the "best" moment of his life - it will FOREVER be overshadowed with the violence and the swearing at him... God he should have just sat there and done nothing... My guess is had the last year with his wife not happened then maybe he would have dealt with it differently... BUT it just shows that Hollywood talks about love and peace but when push comes to shove let's just revert back to violence...
Happy Monday Duane✝️✝️🦴🦴🦴🦴Marci says woof 😄😄😄😄😄
Happy Monday to you to Sy!
woooooof (hound bark "hello" as I drop the needle on an LP)
😉🐶🐾
GREAT Channel 👏👏👏🤗
Thanks so much I really appreciate the support!
@@DSD 💌
Narcissistic Adult Children! Parents are ashamed to unearth this topic.
The danger is you don't acknowledge the reality that sometimes "kids" are going to go down that dark path... It doesn't mean that you HAVE to (or should) allow them a place in your life to continue the abuse. Just like if you ultimately decide your parents are toxic and not good for your life or mental health...
Ms. Jasmine, *why are YOU filling out college applications for a 17 yr. old?* Can’t the kid read and write? ;-) And you’re paying for the “privilege” of having this huge financial commitment once again *arranged by you?* What happened to work/study? How committed is this kid to higher education for example if you’re making allllll the arrangements? Let’s not forget you somehow think you are responsible for “arranging” his graduation party as well? Oh dear.
Frankly, it sounds like he’s livin’ his best life and a clearly entitled one because you want him to have blaaa blaa blaa. You’re so busy facilitating his life as you think it “should be”no wonder you feel resentful! Whew. I know this is tricky.
Please step back, Ms. Jasmine. If he wants all this stuff make sure he has an INVESTMENT in the outcome, OK? No investment=don’t care about the thing all that much......
Honestly.. the woman sounds like the narc here.
Live is totally unpredictable. When her good job, good salary, good health are gone, her son will teach her about consequences and not been available.