Been there done that and it damaged me emotionally. I’d rather not deal with avoidants at all. To be with them is to lose yourself completely in HOPES that they will one day feel safe enough to give you what you need. For how long, years? Prolonged periods of feeling neglected and ignored and tolerated and not having your feelings reciprocated. That’s not a relationship.
Yeah, there’s no need to lose yourself and put up with neglect and unhealthy behavior. If there’s not a willingness and clear effort for an avoidant to also consider you and move towards your needs, you won’t be able to develop a healthy relationship.
Yes, to think of a relationship as a link to a RUclips video sent by text message every 3 days, for 3 months, is really to be in a safe and very quiet space.
The problem is that by the time you figure out that that you're dealing with an avoidant partner, you've already triggered them and they're already long GONE!!
How does this build intimacy? I'm watching through a lens of hurt and disappointment, so I take these points to basically mean "here's how to meet their needs and suppress yours"
I think what it basically is is that people who are avoidant essentially avoid the intimacy itself as soon as they start to on some level feel triggered that they're going to be overwhelmed by their partner in some way. So if you first prioritize their needs for space and do your best to avoid overwhelming them and prove you can handle being relatively independent, they will be more open to intimacy between you to instead of closed off, and they will start to feel more comfortable with you and ultimately will be more emotionally expressive and take steps to bond with you, when things go well and this dynamic plays out in the ideal way. First the anxiously attached partner figures out being a little more secure and understanding/respectful of how it feels to be avoidant even though it's the opposite of their own attachment style. Then the avoidant partner relaxes enough for intimacy to be possible. Often when anxiously attached people like myself date avoidants, the avoidant person just acting in very subtly avoidant ways will trigger extra "neediness" in the anxious partner almost immediately, which almost immediately makes the avoidant partner feel less comfortable/safe/close/open to intimacy because they can't handle their partner's neediness. It's a recipe for disaster unless one or both partners becomes more self aware of what's going on and ideally (eventually?) both would try to suppress a little of their own instinctual panic because it's irrational and stems from childhood trauma usually and isn't a healthy way to navigate adult dynamics but they would NOT suppress their own needs. They would learn also to be able to express their actual needs and desires and boundaries calmly and with compassion. Yes there's a blurry line. Anxiously attached individuals may always need a little more reassurance, togetherness, etc than avoidantly attached individuals and probably both of you will need to compromise. Avoidantly attached people need more independence.
No you need to understand they are avoident that's their attachment style if yours is the opposite then you probably need to go to therapy and understand why you are so insecure and why you need constant validation it's a problem on both side the goal for the anxious is they need to learn how to be more independent like the avoident and the avoident needs to learn how to be more anxious meaning acceptance of feelings and emotions they gotta learn how to give it back it's not just one sided simple but hard.
I tend to be a Fearfull Avoidant leaning towards secure now and my partner is Dissmisive Av leaning secure. It works for us lol we don't feel like we're bending backwards. It's still new but the hard parts of that initial breaking of the ice of our "deficiencies" have been laid out on the table. LOL well for the most part I had a difficult conversation with him the other day that was hard for me to bring up. I expected the worst, but he was quite validating and sweet in his own dry way LOL. A lot of my anxiety has now subsided at this point!
So, basically: deny who you are and what you need, bend over backwards, pander to their every insecurity, while they, on the other hand, make no changes whatsoever and go ahead behaving in their old maladaptive ways? This may be tenable counsel for a Saint, but, I would argue, out of reach for everyone else.
That’s not wise counsel for anyone even if they could do it. These are just some ways to create an atmosphere where they will be more likely to grow and change. No relationship should be one-sided so if the other person isn’t willing to change or accommodate their partner I wouldn’t advise staying in it
Making the effort to, 'reach', an avoidant person kind of enables them to not work on themselves... To be at a place where THEY can (and can want to/recognize how to) healthfully offer and receive that kind of connection with care and consistency.
I would say you can “reach” for them while also clearly communicating your needs and areas of change and effort you expect from them at the same time. If they are unwilling to work on themselves and move towards you and you just continue to be the only putting in effort…then you are enabling
@@RelationShots True, but realistically, historically, wouldn't those choosing to put in the effort be fewer in number than those that take accountability and initiative to change/compromise and move toward interdependence?
I’ve really enjoyed some of your other videos. But I find the title of this one misleading. These tips are not helpful in connecting with an avoidant spouse, they are more like how to avoid more pushback from one. I’vece done all that for the past 20 years, and while I feel like it has allowed for a pretty peaceful marriage, it has certainly not led to more connection. Could we have tips on helping an avoidant spouse become more secure ? Because connecting with an avoidant just seems impossible. Thanks !
That probably depends on whether they are making progress in the area you desire and how long you feel like being patient for. If you’re not able to resolve some of the issues by yourselves then definitely get some outside help. If not you may be waiting forever for someone to adjust or grow when they have no desire to do so
Sounds a bit one-sided to me. I would prefer happy spouse happy house so both people have a desire and responsibility to seek the other’s best interest
What if the avoidant partner is the one manipulating things to keep you at a distance? Then what? I’d like to understand this from the other side of the coin as well. Sometimes ppl have trust issues and because of said trust issues they attribute all bad experiences to every experience. You know first hand, most ppl hear “I’m a bad person” in conflict resolution regardless if that’s actually what’s being said. How do you combat that if the “over time” just keeps getting worse? What if the avoidant partner is the one doing the punishing and manipulation in which you attempt to bring something that’s hurting you to their attention? Feeling like it’s never ok to bring anything up and you have to ignore your feelings constantly.
Sometimes when there’s an inability to address or resolve issues as a couple, it requires a third party to help navigate that process and teach you as a couple how to do it more effectively so you can ultimately find success on your own. These are the kinds of questions and discussions I wish folks would show up and bring up on the monthly membership calls!!
Yes, I'm interested in this too. My "partner" refused to define us, but wanted me to be there whenever he felt like it. Kept things undefined and bread crumbed me ("the future is open, anything can happen, I have feelings for you," etc.) Also refused to ever let me meet his friends or family, had an unhealthy relationship with porn, and saw nothing wrong with dating someone else after telling me he loved me and never wanted to be without me. One good thing to come out of it is that I realized how damaged I must have been to put up with it for so long. (2 years).
@@RelationShots Pastor Eric I feel attacked lol. We’ll be there in our sweaters this one lol. But I must report, I did what you said. I formulated a series of questions based off of what you stated in the “shot” and it worked! 🥴😁. I got a lot out of the conversation and he did too. We learned something new about each other today!!!
Been there done that and it damaged me emotionally. I’d rather not deal with avoidants at all. To be with them is to lose yourself completely in HOPES that they will one day feel safe enough to give you what you need. For how long, years? Prolonged periods of feeling neglected and ignored and tolerated and not having your feelings reciprocated. That’s not a relationship.
Agree, I don;t have years to waste anymore
Amen. We have have lives
Yeah, there’s no need to lose yourself and put up with neglect and unhealthy behavior. If there’s not a willingness and clear effort for an avoidant to also consider you and move towards your needs, you won’t be able to develop a healthy relationship.
Yes, to think of a relationship as a link to a RUclips video sent by text message every 3 days, for 3 months, is really to be in a safe and very quiet space.
The problem is that by the time you figure out that that you're dealing with an avoidant partner, you've already triggered them and they're already long GONE!!
How does this build intimacy? I'm watching through a lens of hurt and disappointment, so I take these points to basically mean "here's how to meet their needs and suppress yours"
I think what it basically is is that people who are avoidant essentially avoid the intimacy itself as soon as they start to on some level feel triggered that they're going to be overwhelmed by their partner in some way. So if you first prioritize their needs for space and do your best to avoid overwhelming them and prove you can handle being relatively independent, they will be more open to intimacy between you to instead of closed off, and they will start to feel more comfortable with you and ultimately will be more emotionally expressive and take steps to bond with you, when things go well and this dynamic plays out in the ideal way. First the anxiously attached partner figures out being a little more secure and understanding/respectful of how it feels to be avoidant even though it's the opposite of their own attachment style. Then the avoidant partner relaxes enough for intimacy to be possible.
Often when anxiously attached people like myself date avoidants, the avoidant person just acting in very subtly avoidant ways will trigger extra "neediness" in the anxious partner almost immediately, which almost immediately makes the avoidant partner feel less comfortable/safe/close/open to intimacy because they can't handle their partner's neediness.
It's a recipe for disaster unless one or both partners becomes more self aware of what's going on and ideally (eventually?) both would try to suppress a little of their own instinctual panic because it's irrational and stems from childhood trauma usually and isn't a healthy way to navigate adult dynamics but they would NOT suppress their own needs. They would learn also to be able to express their actual needs and desires and boundaries calmly and with compassion. Yes there's a blurry line. Anxiously attached individuals may always need a little more reassurance, togetherness, etc than avoidantly attached individuals and probably both of you will need to compromise. Avoidantly attached people need more independence.
No you need to understand they are avoident that's their attachment style if yours is the opposite then you probably need to go to therapy and understand why you are so insecure and why you need constant validation it's a problem on both side the goal for the anxious is they need to learn how to be more independent like the avoident and the avoident needs to learn how to be more anxious meaning acceptance of feelings and emotions they gotta learn how to give it back it's not just one sided simple but hard.
I tend to be a Fearfull Avoidant leaning towards secure now and my partner is Dissmisive Av leaning secure. It works for us lol we don't feel like we're bending backwards. It's still new but the hard parts of that initial breaking of the ice of our "deficiencies" have been laid out on the table. LOL well for the most part I had a difficult conversation with him the other day that was hard for me to bring up. I expected the worst, but he was quite validating and sweet in his own dry way LOL. A lot of my anxiety has now subsided at this point!
Thanks E, for another extremely informative awareness generating message to help us regular folks to create and maintain connection.
So, basically: deny who you are and what you need, bend over backwards, pander to their every insecurity, while they, on the other hand, make no changes whatsoever and go ahead behaving in their old maladaptive ways? This may be tenable counsel for a Saint, but, I would argue, out of reach for everyone else.
That’s not wise counsel for anyone even if they could do it. These are just some ways to create an atmosphere where they will be more likely to grow and change. No relationship should be one-sided so if the other person isn’t willing to change or accommodate their partner I wouldn’t advise staying in it
Making the effort to, 'reach', an avoidant person kind of enables them to not work on themselves... To be at a place where THEY can (and can want to/recognize how to) healthfully offer and receive that kind of connection with care and consistency.
I would say you can “reach” for them while also clearly communicating your needs and areas of change and effort you expect from them at the same time. If they are unwilling to work on themselves and move towards you and you just continue to be the only putting in effort…then you are enabling
@@RelationShots True, but realistically, historically, wouldn't those choosing to put in the effort be fewer in number than those that take accountability and initiative to change/compromise and move toward interdependence?
@@brybaby89 probably accurate
This was so good. Is there (or will there be) a video on how to build intimacy with a partner who has the anxious attachment style?
There sure can be 👍🏼
You make a lot of sense thank you I think this is going to help me
Glad you’re finding some value in the video
You have to be your authentic self, first. Calm and empathetic, but what you require in a relationship. Pretense is easy to spot.
❤Great Video
Glad you enjoyed
I’ve really enjoyed some of your other videos. But I find the title of this one misleading. These tips are not helpful in connecting with an avoidant spouse, they are more like how to avoid more pushback from one. I’vece done all that for the past 20 years, and while I feel like it has allowed for a pretty peaceful marriage, it has certainly not led to more connection. Could we have tips on helping an avoidant spouse become more secure ? Because connecting with an avoidant just seems impossible. Thanks !
How much patience are we talking about? What if there are lack of effective communication issues?
That probably depends on whether they are making progress in the area you desire and how long you feel like being patient for. If you’re not able to resolve some of the issues by yourselves then definitely get some outside help. If not you may be waiting forever for someone to adjust or grow when they have no desire to do so
What are your thoughts on Happy wife happy life?
Sounds a bit one-sided to me. I would prefer happy spouse happy house so both people have a desire and responsibility to seek the other’s best interest
What if the avoidant partner is the one manipulating things to keep you at a distance? Then what? I’d like to understand this from the other side of the coin as well. Sometimes ppl have trust issues and because of said trust issues they attribute all bad experiences to every experience. You know first hand, most ppl hear “I’m a bad person” in conflict resolution regardless if that’s actually what’s being said. How do you combat that if the “over time” just keeps getting worse? What if the avoidant partner is the one doing the punishing and manipulation in which you attempt to bring something that’s hurting you to their attention? Feeling like it’s never ok to bring anything up and you have to ignore your feelings constantly.
Sometimes when there’s an inability to address or resolve issues as a couple, it requires a third party to help navigate that process and teach you as a couple how to do it more effectively so you can ultimately find success on your own. These are the kinds of questions and discussions I wish folks would show up and bring up on the monthly membership calls!!
Yes, I'm interested in this too. My "partner" refused to define us, but wanted me to be there whenever he felt like it. Kept things undefined and bread crumbed me ("the future is open, anything can happen, I have feelings for you," etc.) Also refused to ever let me meet his friends or family, had an unhealthy relationship with porn, and saw nothing wrong with dating someone else after telling me he loved me and never wanted to be without me. One good thing to come out of it is that I realized how damaged I must have been to put up with it for so long. (2 years).
@@RelationShots Pastor Eric I feel attacked lol. We’ll be there in our sweaters this one lol. But I must report, I did what you said. I formulated a series of questions based off of what you stated in the “shot” and it worked! 🥴😁. I got a lot out of the conversation and he did too. We learned something new about each other today!!!
@@MSG66 Glad you walked away realizing that if you get healthy you’ll quickly show someone to the door who tries that again. You deserve better
@@claratatum8156 Awesome. So you’re saying I actually came up with something that worked finally 👏🏼🤣