Does your relationship have THESE green flags?
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- Опубликовано: 10 июн 2024
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Key Points
00:00 - Green Flags
01:04 - Transparency
01:44 - Consideration
02:11 - Actions match words
03:54 - Flexibility
04:23 - Doesn't try to "one up"
I have learned with C-PTSD that I was so suspicious of people's intentions that it was hard to see green flags when all I saw were red ones. I still have to remind myself that all is well, I am safe, my boundaries matter. But most of all to accept a person as they are and let them "show" who they are. Instead of projecting onto them and therefore missing out on us being friends.
I’m the opposite. All I saw was Green, but he’s a big Red who’s caused a lot of damage before I was good enough to hang out with. I only want to trust until it’s taken, should be the opposite tho.
I got so tired of seeing red flags I started to doubt my intuition and let my guard down for all the wrong people. So tired of distrusting everyone. Fact is, most people were taking advantage.
Definitely! I can totally relate to what you wrote. I too have C-PTSD.
This ❤
Exactly.Relax & enjoy yourself around others, you only actually need to take action & get away from them IF multiple 🚩s start to come up.Unfortunately at least around here as a baby millennial...most of the people I've personally encountered ended up having 🚩s pop up after a little while🤷🏻♀️.People that are genuine & overall nontoxic aren't the easiest to find nowadays, I've heard many folks mention this including folks in the mental health field on here like Dr.C with Surviving Narcissism for example.
Consideration is my biggest green flag! This video made me realize that my partner does a lot of these, and I definitely do not. When he shares something he'e excited about, I end up shutting down because I feel left out or not at the same level. I asked him if we could do the thing he's excited about together in an attempt to share that I'm feeling small because of his success. But now I realize that instead of turning it to me, I should have just held space for his joy. There can by joy for both of us, doesnt have to be about the same thing or together always
I can so relate. So good for you that you know that you can let your partner have his joy. For me I still got work to do on that part.
My green flag in a person is warmth, it just feels nice to be around them.
Healthy reciprocity and engaging deep conversations are my favorite green flags for fulfilling connections.
They talk about what they’re interested in instead of other people behind their backs.
Big one!
My most important green flag from this list is consideration. I need my feelings to matter, and I need to feel listened to and respected.
It is so nice to see Green Flags instead of Red Flags! More positive❤❤
I was thinking that too!
Enthusiasm is my most important green flag.
The "one up" is an immediate RED FLAG🤦♀️I hate when people do that.
I knew a girl once who "one upped" everything I said, and then later was surprised that I didn't want to hang out with her....
Its sad when family members fail these. We need to find new friends.
When someone says, "I understand" without telling me to just get over it or worse try to fix me or change MY memories of past neglect.
Feeling emotionally safe with the person is one of my green flags, and continuing to feel safe after weeks, months, and years. Someone who knows how to disagree/fight fairly makes a huge difference
Mutual reciprocity, respect, deep conversations that lead to insights in places which have been our blindspots and can be healed are green flags.
All so true! I have a coworker who fails ALL of these 🤣🤣Not that I needed more proof that they're not a safe person to be around, or that they can't be trusted, but it's affirming to to hear this. It's also comforting to think about my coworkers, friends, and family members who DO have most of these green flags most of the time.
Consideration is my most important green flag 💚
I hope to have a relationship like this someday. These videos help me to know what to look out for. Thanks Nicole ❤😊
I hope so for you and all reading too! Such a sweet comment haha
I love this list so much! I would add CONSISTENCY. As you said, no one is perfect, and humans are variable in what we think, feel and do... But if someone (especially a therapist!) acts one way at one time, and then a completely different way on another occasion, that's a huge red flag. Especially if they deny espousing the former attitude when asked about it. Disparate parts may be in operation there.
That sounds like even lowkey gaslighting!
@@JLakisI think some gaslight not because they mean to, but because they're more dissociative than one would realize. Not that I'm excusing that.
I think they are all so important, but I especially dislike when people don't do the last 2. I do try to do better myself, yet seem to keep attracting unhealthy people and fall back into reactive patterns. It seems so difficult to stay the course of healthy communication and action when you are the only one doing it. I appreciate the end of your video and it will help inspire me to continue working at it, and setting my own boundaries (didn't even know what a boundary was until my 50's!) so I can walk away when something isn't healthy for me. Maybe then I will make more space for something healthy. Thanks for your videos!
Its so nice to listen what's considered healthy. Body language as well.
Great list!
Deep conversations about things that matter. Accountability and willingness to repair.
Also, some detail with these--from a neurodivergent perspective, sharing about my related experience is not to one-up, it is one of the ways I empathize, which I see folks misunderstand a lot.
Also, from a neurodivergent perspective, rigidity can be observed by others bc I know my own mind very well, and work hard to stay regulated in a very disregulated world. I'm actually very flexible--for me.
But I will trust that good friends will understand my sensitivity. So much of this is about detailed communication for me.
It's so important to know what the green flags are for a change. Thank you!
Your channel has restored my sanity
Consideration could look like this too - remembering your wounded spots and not use them against you.
Genuine empathy vs parroting.
Awesome point.
What a gift to the world you are Nicole💗💗💗💗💗🍀💐…..feeling safe in every way is the most important green flag 4 me💚
These videos showing what healthy is are SOO important! Thank you ❤
I love when you do these kinds of videos!!
A green flag for me is a person that takes good care of themselves and their body and understands the ethical and spiritual importance of clean living.
Thank you for this great discussion emphasizing what healthy behaviors look like! I would only add: "Has tended to their personal growth/emotional wellness." In other words, they got/get help when necessary, to process old baggage. But then again, if the person has the traits that you just listed, then they've likely done that! :-)
Interesting take. I hadn't thought of that.
I'm definitely saving this video! I want to work on these traits in myself and also remember that I'm not crazy or "too much" when I have these needs in a partner.
These are excellent!! I love that transparency is first ✨Without it, you can't really know anything - you could be responding to and investing in pure delusions...
My current partner is so many green flags. I've never been in such a healthy relationship until i started dating them. Previously i would attract very controlling, harsh, and somewhat mean partners. And the worst part is i was too afraid and insecure to leave them, so i stuck around and tolerated crap for years and years with partner after partner. I finally had a breaking point and learned my worth and boundaries. I now only date or stay friends with people who treat me so well. And now i have the love of my life who gets me, accepts me, listens, and is consistently there for me in a balanced way. Thank goodness! Years of therapy has paid off and i broke the cycle!!
I’d show this video to my family, but they score 0 out of all 7 of these criteria.
The first, easiest green flag for me is when someone actually listens. It shows empathy, interest, maturity, and confidence. You can figure out within minutes, often within seconds if someone is genuinely listening to you and you can trust them.
It goes along with consideration, but a healthy view of conflict. We let certain small things slide, but not to the extent it builds resentment. And when there is a conflict worth discussing, we can discuss it without attacking or shutting down or trying to outmaneuver the other. We realize our struggles are an opportunity for us to grow stronger. Or if it’s really a deal breaker, we let the deal be broken and move on separately.
This was really helpful, thanks!
Love to see it lol💚☘️
Great knowledge ❤️
This is awesome!! Thanks!
Dr.Nicole thank you for this video.
Thank you for this video. It is very helpful. I am wondering about the last point. I don't try to make my situation seem worse or to stop someone from telling about a good day. I listen when they have good news to share and am happy with them. However, I usually want people to know that I understand them if they're going through a tough time by telling them about a similar situation. I always listen to theirs to the end, and then explain my story. I finish by saying that I truly
Understand their situation
Since I have been through it too. Am I doing something that would be considered a red flag?
🧠 Utilizing this list to improve _oneself_ ain't a bad idea!
Transparency is my No1 - i want people to be genuine in order to understand _why_ they're doing certain things in a particular way. That's the soil for an honest connection ... if there'll ever be one.
Though when the person is genuinely being an a*hole and displaying unhealthy behaviour towards you it's hard to determine "why" they are like that.. and the next time you speak to them they are like a different person🙄
That's was going to be my comment! I'm saving this so I can go back to check in on myself.
@@MichelleJaneRossiterWould you mind if I suggest something I noticed? Those unhealthy people want to sap your time and energy. I spent so much time psychoanalyzing @holes. And then I was like, well, they're just an @hole. And it helped me get my life back.
Thank you for showing GOOD signs to look out for ❤ those of us with a troubled past need positive guidance and literally someone who spells it out for us!
Thanks for sharing ❤️
Biggest green flag when somebody has the humility to listen and apologize, and change how they respond to you
Thank you so much for this video ❤
Reminder that sharing our similar experiences is an autistic / nd way of trying to show empathy and reciprocity. If you feel like that is “making it about us” then you’re going to have to say so. We’re autistic, and probably not going to pick up on subtle social cues that you don’t like that style of communication.
Newly, Subbed🥳 I, have been just Single Mommy for Over 15 years raising my sons &, another son 10 years By Myself.. but, GRATEFUL for the Village of Souls that help Me. It's, Not An EASY thing &, After I ended a fourth engagement in Oct. 2019 I've been Entirely To Myself &, Single... &, Have had "Suitors" but, Modernized &, F***boy Entitled so As Per Usual ALONE, SINGLE, MOM... Focusing, on My Babies Until Hubby Comes... Could, you Possibly do A vid. On That?! Love, Your channel 🌬️🩵
I see none of these traits with my person 😢 my most important is to not one-up someone as people have done this with how much trauma they experience vs my trauma. Even though there are thing I never spoke to them about.
Thank you
Integrity
00:00 - Green Flags
01:04 - Transparency
01:44 - Consideration
02:11 - Actions match words
03:54 - Flexibility
04:23 - Doesn't try to "one up"
Flexibility!
Thanks❣️
Honesty, I'm surprised how hard that is for people.
The one upper.......... never could find a term for people who does this. lol I was getting annoyed with this one person in particular but I didn't now how to term it.
My fiance is amazing with all of these i would say 80% of the time. My family on the other hand is why om trying to separate myself from them
After watching this I'm realizing I don't have any good friends. :/
Loyalty?
❤❤❤
Do you have any video's or suggestions on having an autistic partner? None of this seems to apply and it is most frustrating. Thank you for all you do.
i have all the traits. do i have to see a therapist?
We all have these traits. Do you think you need a therapist?
Every individual thinks of his or her own self as a greenflag person !!!
This is the way I see it.
Your brother can be an all green person to you but the very same brother at the same time can be a red flag person to another sibling.
AS WISE MEN SAY IT'S ALL KARMIC ACCOUNTS.
Add to these a good sense of humor and the ability to not take ourselves too seriously. Has this works? My wife and I met in college. That was 1970. We're still together, going strong. You can do it too.
Longevity doesn't necessarily = healthy, but phenomenal for you, man!
I think you looked so beautiful as a darker brunette. You still look very nice but I think the blond makes you look older.
My partner is a 0 on 6, and yet I am madly in love with her. How hopeless is my case? 🥲