Foster dad considerations when foster child is scared of men
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- Опубликовано: 15 фев 2023
- I am sick and lost my voice, so Chris is filling in for me :) Here are some considerations if the child in your care is scared of men.
As always, feel free to add more in the comments below!
Looking for more? I offer 1:1 DM support (plus checklists and templates) on Patreon for as little as $1. / fosterparenting
Above all, don't take it personally. They're not scared because of you - they're scared because someone's hurt them, you're just reminding them. It's not your fault and it's not their fault, it is the fault of the person who hurt them.
and it can be so hard to tell the difference when you're a kid and traumatized, we see how trauma and PTSD affect adults brains it's heartbreaking to think of the children who have to spend their lives with that. So grateful for adults like these who are understanding and accommodating rather than ones who feel attacked
Same. I can relate! 🤔🥺
THIS!!!
Even for someone who has been in so many toxic relationships this works for us too.
@@cinna358Absolutely! I’m going through EMDR treatment now after years of avoiding it because my only option was a male practitioner. I was quite literally terrified to meet him and start the treatment but the way he speaks and behaves has helped me so much! No quick movements, always a very calm and gentle voice, frequently gives me options to choose so I feel more in control, like "do you want a break or is it okay to continue?" It really does make a huge difference, and this is coming from a 27 year old with a lot of trauma involving men
I'm an adult now, but what I would've given for this level of compassion when I was a child struggling with heavy issues relating to men.
Same 😭😭
Same
Same
Same
Same !!!!😮😮🙀✅️👏👏👏👏
Remember fellas, its not all men, which is why its YOUR job to prove it. Show the world with your actions. Move and speak with kindess and compassion.
Yes! I’ve been lucky enough to meet guys who will prove to me that it’s not all men instead of just saying it. It really does make a difference, Actions speak louder than words!😊
this is the only acceptable kind of “not all men” comment. thank you for this little reminder that it truly isn’t all men and that there are still good men out there. i hope you have a lovely day :)
yea i know the good ones need to out weigh the bad but its really disheartening to always to be thought of as a threat it feels heavy
I’ve often heard this situation likened to when a dog bites. If you or someone you know has been bitten by a dog, or if you’ve heard of a bad dog attack on the news, it makes sense to be cautious of them for a while! Of course it’s not all dogs, some are great, but you still feel slightly cautious around dogs nonetheless, especially new ones. But with enough exposure, you can overcome this and learn to judge a dog well. The same is true with this sort of situation. Of course it’s not all men, but with the amount of horrible things that happen, it’s reasonable for people to be cautious or slightly worried until given reason not to be.
@justrando9982 I agree that it doesn't feel great, but try talking to the women in your life, I guarantee that a lot of them have had a really bad experience with men at one point. These men that women fear are around us, they're our brothers, friends, fathers, cousins, sons. Women grow to be cautious in general as it's the only real way to protect themselves
Make sure hands are visible broke my heart. Anyone who harms a child deserves the deepest layer of hell
Free shovels! We're gonna dig deeper
Thank you for calling attention to not sharing a blanket and making sure your hands are visible this is personally how I was hurt and I feel like not enough people notice happens
I am so sorry :(
I'm so sorry, and thanks for sharing, Maxx. I think people learn to take things more seriously and understand them better when people put their hand up in public and say they have experience of such and such a thing. It's easy to put up barriers between yourself and an experience you've never had (and never want to have), we do it too much and then nobody gets help or understanding.
So truly, thanks again for sharing and I hope you have a really good week/month/year and, of course, life!
Yes! This should be standard anyway when you are with children who aren't 100% comfortable with you. There's no need to share blankets or have your hands under the blankets with a small child.
I'm so sorry you were hurt, and I wish the best for you.
yes me too, i wasnt in the foster care system but i was sa’d at 5 years old, it makes me so so happy he offers a seperate blanket.
How bout not sharing a blanket at all just give them their own blanket !
"Or should I go get Laura to help?" This is so important. It means so much to have the option of a "safe" person. Thank you for understanding that.
This omg... and no judgement or guilt for choosing the other foster parent
@@lacey892i had so much guilt put on me by my foster “father” for that choice, these videos really give me hope!
Its Lara, not Laura
@@aaldryxit literally says LAURA on her profile, shut up
@@MaggieFox45 first of all, dont Say "shut Up" like that and be respectful to me since i havent done anything wrong and second of all, i Heard LARA and not LAURA from That Man, and if i made a mistake show some patience and respectfully correct me.
Holding back tears because he was so thoughtful and kind. The compassion is unreal. I wish I had people like this growing up and now.
Me too i teared. Tiny folks wellness.
I am sorry you didn’t have it ❤ I hope you can find it soon in a different form 🩵
@@ambriaashley3383 that’s so very kind of you to say, thank you very much 🫂
I'ma full grown adult and still afraid of a lot of men. This was a little healing for the inner child 💜
Stuff like this always hits hard. I would've given anything to have a dad like this
He looks like the kind of man who is a harmless teddy bear through and through, but will absolutely flip his sh*t if someone harms his family.
He's a kind and good man :)
As an adult with PTSD from my dad's abuse, this made me bawl like a baby. You guys are both awesome beyond words
This.
Agreed. This is beautiful and I wish more men were like this in the world for those of us who have reason to fear from the trauma growing up.
Same here.. big, bug hugs and so glad we are out of that situation
I’ll agree and third that. We all need way more love.
A soldiers woes are meaningless now.
Don’t forget to say “That’s okay!” or “It’s okay!” whoever the kid does something wrong or something they’d consider wrong, just as knocking a glass of water over, breaking something, or literally anything. That would make a huge difference in a child’s life if they’ve had a verbally abusive dad. It’s important for them to know that they’re safe, and that the niceness isn’t conditional, and they should feel comfortable regardless of any mistakes they’ve made!
There's a scene in Mad Men that's actually a great example - the dad, 3 kids, and the dad's secretary/their nanny for a vacation are eating at a restaurant. The older kids are fighting and one of them knocks over a milkshake glass. Dad gets immediately irritated and the kids are upset, basically because of how their mom is. The secretary/nanny just pulls out a napkin and starts cleaning and is like "Oh it's okay, it's just a milkshake." Super calm and matter-of-fact. Super startling to the family that she didn't make any deal about it at all, just was like "It's fine, just a spill".
So obviously that's a scripted tv show, but I think it's a good example. The mom/ex-wife would've made some huge deal about it, how the kids ruined the day, she's not ordering a replacement, they'll have to go back and change, and then her attitude would've made everyone else mad. So the secretary just being like "It's no big deal" and leaving it at that really changed the mood immediately (since the others were getting irritated already, from past issues). So, it's a good example of how something as simple as not blaming a kid for spilling something can make a day better.
My ex grew up in a household where there were no accidents, no mistakes. Everything that happened, the children did on purpose to inconvenience their mother or make her waste time/money. TBH, it probably played a big role in why he's my ex. (He refused therapy, denied there was anything wrong with lashing out at me or internalizing punishment.)
I know it's not the same thing, but as someone that had an abusive ex, this also means do much to me. He was agressive, impulsive, volatile. His emotions were always my fault and I had to tip toe my every action to make sure to always stay on his good side, because anything that made him feel a negative emotion got scary really quick.
After leaving him and doing some healing, I knew this was the case for me but I didn't know HOW much it impacted me until recently with my current bf. He is the BEST man i know. I accidentally dropped a glass with a little bit of water in his desk. Nothing was damaged, but the intense FEAR i felt when that happened... it was even surprising for me. I apologized so much, ran to clean my mess and waited for his response, kinda expecting him to yell at me and having to apologize for the rest of the day. He literally NEVER did something like that, he is literally the opossite of that, he is wonderful, but still, I was expecting that reaction. Instead, he just said "hey, it's okay! You want me to get another glass of water love?" with a relaxed smile in his face. Literally just that reaction made me cry lol. I didn't know it affected me so much. And like this one I have so many more stories.
Sorry for trauma dumping/ranting lmao I just wanted to share my experience and how simply reacting with calm can be so impactful to a traumatized person
an abusive man is not a father, just a progenitor
@@maruguida8056 legit had to scroll back to the top of your comment to make sure it wasnt me who posted it. I relate to every sentence you typed!! So glad that you (and I) have found incredibly caring and gentle partners. The differences really do make you ponder back on past relationships/childhood experiences and realize how ingrained and 'normal' it all became. It's so wonderful to heal next to a loving partner. Thanks for sharing. ❤
Our oldest is 14 we started fostering her at 9. At ten she told my husband hugs made her uncomfortable and she gave them to him because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. Now they have an intricate high-five/handshake they do every night and every couple months she will give him a hug. So glad we had experienced foster parents give us advice like this early on.
The blanket/hands visible thing breaks my heart because I know those things are unfortunately way too common . But I really appreciate you talking about it
I'm a CPS manager, and these little considerations mean so much to kids. I'm going to show this video to our Foster Care Manager. I think it would be helpful to share with our families.
You should show all of them to the parents you're training. This is an amazing channel.
What a beautiful idea! I love how Laura and her husband are helping so many people. That is beautiful! I wish you the best with your families.
❤
I think you have the right idea although I am not in the place to judge
That must be such a hard job.
Would like to add one from my own trauma/childhood. Be aware of where you position yourself towards the child. Walking up to a child too quickly, towering over them or accedentally cornering them with no way out can also be triggers. Keeping a bit more distance from the child, or ideally letting them choose the distance between you, and making sure you are not blocking doorways but moving to another wall leaving the doorway free can really help.
was also gonna comment that you probably shouldn’t get too close
yes, thank you for adding this in!
Great suggestions, very true. I'm still scared when people raise their voice, come at me too fast, or I feel trapped/like I can't move or get away, & I'm 33. I can only imagine how these kids feel who are going through things worse than what I had.
I agree, I'm not a foster kid but I spent my childhood scared of my dad and then repressing the memories of being scared and just kinda ignoring that fear, so did all of my siblings. I can't speak for my brother or two sisters but now I personally cannot get yelled at without having panic attacks and sometimes when I'm anxious I cannot get touched by others without the situation being made worse even when they're female, at one of my jobs when I was working as a CNA one of the residents was trying to help me calm down but got really offended when I wouldn't let her hug me and I feel as though this type of information is important to spread, that this way that your showing of treating foster kids would be helpful even to teenagers and adults. I feel as though everyone should be seeing these videos even if they don't have or want children because it's incredibly valuble
Same with quickly raising your hands to do something, or getting up just after them. It could make them feel like they're going to get hit, or followed to their room...
This level of tenderness and respect from an adult male is something I think so few of us can relate to from our upbringing😢
The blanket thing is such a tiny detail but its so so important, thank you for helping kids like this. I was a vic too and that specifically stood out, thank you for understanding them.
As someone who was abused shortly after I turned 18 I completely understand.
As a 22 year old woman I found myself at a bank unable to communicate with the teller because they shared the same name as my abuser.
I can only imagine how much harder it is for children. Especially since trama brain is not logical.
I was abused at the same age and with my face-blindness, my heart would sink anytime I saw someone that looked similar to my abuser. I felt I could never be sure if I was seeing a stranger or the person who abused me. Hearing their name in any context triggers immediate revulsion. Blegh.
I understand the name this, it took me two years to not get so angry hearing the same name as someone who abused me or bullied me. I still get upset not as badly. But I’m still young and I’m still working on it.
Yup, names or similar features are something so difficult to deal with even though it seems illogical. Sometimes even while looking in the mirror.
I still haven’t gotten past it, I got away from my abuser around 13 or 14. I’m 19 now. It was happening since I was just 2, maybe even sooner. This video made me cry. I wish I had a father figure this compassionate, caring, and understanding.
I get triggered washing my hands
❤️
I love this so much. There’s no “But I would never hurt you!” or “I’m not a bad man!” No defensiveness, just understanding and adjustment.
I'm glad cos those are same phrase those bad men have used to us so it's good he didn't ❤
that is someone who'd never say "not all men" and we need more of them
Exactly! Im sure the groomers said the same thing "but im not a bad guy"
People don’t understand that the “I wouldn’t hurt you” is often the phrase an abuser would use. That’s why I hate it when people tell me “it’s okay” when I’m upset. It upsets me further because my abuser would say that while he abused me. I can’t even be upset about people not knowing because the phrase it’s a common comforting one.
Don't have to be defensive cuz he aint one of em 😭
This was absolutely not my experience in the care system I was more abused if anything but it makes my heart happy that people like this are out there
Yes, me too
My dad was just like this and you just made me cry happy tears that there are more men like him out there for other children that need that level of consideration, compassion, and love. You're amazing! ❤
This made me tear up. I love this. I know men who feel attacked when a child (or woman) is afraid of men in general. I understand that it doesn’t feel good to be seen that way but it’s a trauma response. There is barely anything more assuring and safety-giving than a man who knows and understands that it’s not him personally but the experiences that made the child/woman/whoever feel that way and that he can actually help to show that actually there are good men out there, who have true compassion and love
yes. i wish less men took it so personally and rather just tried to be good people. defensiveness looks like guilt sometimes.
All adult should see this and realize that abuse, rape, harassment follows you into adulthood and impacts adults that were assaulted as adults!!! Yet some men think that since they didn't commit the offense that women should automatically trust them
I once saw a woman's horrific story about being attacked by a dog as a child. It discussed the injuries, how close she came t dying, and how it effected her.
She couldn't be around any dog. Not the nice golden retriever. Not the old, saggy, waggly dogs. Not puppies. None. It caused her intense fear.
And you know what? People respected it. They would have their dogs elsewhere when inviting her over. They would keep them at a distance. Most of all, they didn't judge.
Then she hits you with one of the last lines.
*At 15, I was raped.*
Just letting your mind fill in how differently she was treated because she was scared of men. How she was belittled and told she was a misandrist, that #notallmen, etc etc.
Which misses the point. You aren't feared because she just doesn't like men for whatever reason. She's scared because YOU SHARE A DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTIC WITH SOMEONE WHO HURT HER.
It. Is. Not. Personal.
It wasn't the dog. Just like it isn't the man.
It's the *trauma*.
Put aside your hurt feelings (which are valid), and see how much she must have been hurt to be so scared of so much.
We tell men to be safe people for women. Sometimes that means accepting that someone needs space from you because of prior trauma.
Are there though?
@@StandAloneSoul Good men? Yes there are. My father is a wonderful, kind, lovable man. My partner as well. They are just too hidden. They get hate from other men as well
The first one is so important. My trauma brain doesn't distinguish between "trying to get my attention" raised voice and "screaming at me" raised voice. Both turn me into a pile of tears. Being very aware of your volume is important.
I’m sorry for your trauma. I had a friend who would start attacking me (verbally)if I did something like call out loudly, in an appropriate way. This would trigger MY past trauma. Thank you for not passing on your pain to others.
Same here. I’m 36 and, while I didn’t have childhood trauma, I have had a lot of adult trauma from abusive relationships and sexual assaults, and loud voices is my biggest trigger. Even if it is just someone talking about something they’re excited or passionate about and getting louder as they get more excited-it makes me want to run and hide. It sucks because my daughter’s dad has that loud, booming voice that is super deep and he gets so offended if I ask him to please talk a little quieter. He’s also been very emotionally abusive in the past, so I end up suffering because I don’t want to set him off 😢. It’s a really shitty situation, in general. But yeah, loud noises-not a fan lol.
I have similar trauma, and I find that being warned that someone needs to raise their voice and that it's specifically not at me can help a lot. I had a D&D DM who did this once before yelling across the room to ask the rest of the party to come back to the table, and that small gesture meant more to me than I could even begin to express ❤️
My husbands father was incredibly abusive, and loud voices are such a trigger for him. I have ADHD so I can get really excited and talk really fast and I’ve had to work really hard at this. There have been so many times when I’m just talking and he’ll be like, “Please stop yelling at me.” And I’ll be caught off guard because I’m not yelling. Or it doesn’t feel like I’m yelling. So I’ve tried really really hard to be aware of my tone of voice, but it’s something I’m still working on.
So true. Im in my 30s now and people yelling still immediately brings tears to my eyes and makes me want to break down. There are so many ways to communicate, raising your voice is almost never necessary.
I’m 54 and I still get triggered by people who are loud, it’s not the person in front of me, it’s the memory of absolute terror and helplessness that is stored in my body so thank you for your gentleness here 🙏
As a struggling youngin with my portion of PTSD from observing a few to many m*rders and whatnot, I HIGHLY RESPECT YOU. I will dedicate every fiber of my being to being a good person, similar to you here. Being able to act as an anchor and help provide for others is something I was never able to do earlier in my life... I want to dedicate myself to making others feel safe and happy. Thank you for all that you do.
So true. Even the sound of opening a drink can (alcoholic or not) can be such a trigger for the kiddos!
yes, for sure! :(
Not only the association with booze and all the negative consequences abusing it can have but cans make quite a loud, sharp, snapping sound which could cause alarm without the association.
One we found with a family members child is the word pub.
Here in the UK there's effectively 2 kinds of pub, the kind that doesn't serve food and while they typically allow kids, isnt really family friendly and the kind that does and is effectively just a family friendly restaurant.
The kid in question is totally fine with the second kind, unless we call it a pub. If the word pub is used to describe it, then it's a problem. Poor thing.
True.
oh, yup. the sound of drink cans opening when they aren’t in my line of sight can still trigger panic attacks for me
This made me cry and reminded me a lot of my dad.
I was 15 when I was moving from house to house, and I was very defensive. I was technically an unofficial foster kid, and I felt very alone. When I met my foster parents, I was very closed off. However, my dad was very soft-spoken with me. He was caring and supportive, even when I lashed out at him. He was patient with me, and so was my mom. I had a lot of trust issues, but over a year or so, I began to open up to them.
I'm really grateful for them.
I hope you're doing well now 😊 best of luck out there 🫸🏾
Aw that is beautiful! This brings me joy to hear 🌅🧸
How did this affect you in having your own relationships?
I’m glad you found each other❤
I seriously hate to be that person but “grateful”? 😭 (srry if this is offensive in any way)
kids will notice things like this, it does make such a huge difference, thank you so much for helping adults understand how small things can trigger kids
This video made me emotional. It's such basic needs, but it would help so much if people would do this.
It helps a child to become more self confident.
I dated a woman that had a daughter that was abused by her ex. I just gave her her space, talked calmly to her, and showed her how a man is supposed to act towards a lady. The day she grabbed my hand instead of her mom's when we were walking across the parking lot brought tears to mine and her mother's eyes.
We’re humans 😂😂 humans treat humans specific ways based off how they feel they’re being treated all you did was show her that men can and are willing to be stepping stools if they allow you to make them one
Omg angels really do exist. Coming from something very similar myself, I know what it's like to have ur mom bring another guy home to do whatever while she's passed out. So you showed patience and love and are a real man. I'm sure she will always love u for being a beautiful role model.
And now it's bringing tears to my eyes.
@@jayswrld666 wtf are you talking about? He's her father figure is he supposed to assert dominance instead of being a "stepping stool" tf is wrong with you?
@@jayswrld666sorry he didn't abuse a child and actually showed compassion? hope you grow out of your hateful view on the world and grow up
Why can’t all people be this caring and considerate 😭
Because then we would have nothing to live for
@@LucyHaskell-qx6numm, im all for thinking about negatives with a positive spin but im pretty sure if every hateful or mean spirited person vanished all of a sudden society probably wouldn't struggle too much 💀
@@LucyHaskell-qx6nuhuh???
@@fairykeibani9155 I was just honestly being random sorry if I confused you
@@benlarson6031 I can see what your saying I was just replying to this comment in a more sarcastic sense as it seems that nowadays in my eyes at least that people are so forcefully positive that it just makes those people come across as secretly negative.
Im extremely happy you show these children the love they deserve and always have deserved.It breaks my heart that some people are such monsters and abuse children,makes me feel utterly sick. People like you make me feel like theres a bit of faith in humanity still
Fathers, dads, all guys, please take note of this video. This is true on many levels. Don't underestimate the effect that you have on the lives of your children. Talk to your kids. Don't talk at them. There's a difference.
and women too
Women too im sick of the men are evil crap. You know domestics in families since 2010 are pretty much 50 50 now so don't do the hidden gaslighting crap. Women need to start taking accountability and start taking their own advice too. As if you actually do your research since the modern feminist movement. Women causing domestics are rising. 7% of all gay mens marriages end in divorce to the 80% of lesbians and almost all of them are from domestic abuse.
As a grown woman who’s still scared of men this fully made me cry. This kind of care would’ve changed my life. Helping little girls this way is such a gift, I hope you know how much of a difference you make
❤️
i agree 100%
God loves you
same, I'm sobbing
@@sophiebarsa7749why did he let whatever happened to her happen then
His kindness, compassion and overall demeanor should be an example to others. It can make a huge difference to a child with trust issues.
@@paradiseaaronppl love to turn everything creepy.
I hate to say it, but abused kids may have been lured by fake kindness in their past, which makes the real thing hard to discern. Kudos to the man demonstrating how to "do it right" but bear in mind that sadly, kindness itself can be a gimmick/tool.
At the same time, just keep on doing what you're doing♡♡♡
Giving a child his/her own power as much as possible can help, I believe. (As shown in the video.) You're doing God's work, and you're diung it well.❤
This is beautiful. Thank you for considering these poor little survivors of horrors. Thank you for not taking it personally when they show fear over seemingly tiny things.
The fact that these two saints found Eachother gives me true hope in ‘soul mates’ ❤
Okay. This is not a Nice Guy, this is a guy who's actually nice and compassionate and I am tearing up just a little.
He's not nice, he's kind :)
That's because he is genuinely kind. There's a difference between being nice and being kind. People can be super nice while being evil on the inside. Like Ted Bundy. He was considered as "so nice" by female coworkers because he always offered to walk them to their car.
@@CometsarecoolThis! ❤ I don’t like the “nice guy” term because usually they are the opposite. Not a lot of “kind” men, or people to be honest. Kind guy is a better description.
Not Nice Guy™ but Good Guy
@@emerald_city3681the original commentor meant this. thats the whole thing with "nice guys" they are nice, until something ticks them off. you play nice, you dont play kind. you be kind.
The "where do you wanna sit" brought me to tears. It's so heartwarming to realize how important it is to give the child the ability to control something in what is probably a very scary and uncontrollable situation.
I remember my Nana let me pick where I liked to sit when I went to live with her after I was taken by CPS and I was really surprised there wasn't assigned seating. I don't know what the kids in foster care all have to go through, but I know for me at least having that small amount of control in something like that helped me feel more comfortable in the new environment.
This is making me tear up im so glad theres someone out there who understands and actually cares about it, instead of forcing the kid to 'get over it', this is building their trust again and thats so amazing, lots of love to this video!
My younger brother had a mate over who accidentally broke a glass. I immediately went in to clean it up, asking if they were okay and not to touch the glass. I was calm, this isn't the first broken glass in our household.
His mate looks at me like I'm an alien, they said "Aren't you angry?" I was confused at first and replied, "no? It's just a glass." I mean, it's not like it was one of our nice glasses and even then I wouldn't be mad. I wouldn't even be upset with them, just the situation.
Looking back on it now, I realise why those kids always came to our house instead my brother going to theirs. They felt safe.
I am so grateful my foster parents were like this. So loving I know it doesn't always go that way. I love them to this day. I'm still in contact with them.
My "sister" (foster kid that stayed with my family for 3 years) is still my sister after all these years.
She went front us, to the family that had her before us... who filed for adoption while we were taking care of her.
She had fallen in love with that family but they had a family emergency with one of their biological kids so that's why we had her.
My parents just saw her when they flew to the state she lives in for another
And I see another one of our kids every week or 2 working at one of the local grocery stores... she's always super happy to see us...
and of course my little brother was a foster child we had also... who we adopted obviously.
It's amazing how much my parents did, and how many lives they changed... our kids always left our home more adjusted, happier, and healthier than when they showed up... and until recently I never realized how good of a home we gave .them.
@@DES.REVER.DESIGNS
That's amazing.
I'm so glad for you. All children need and deserve that kind of love.
I’m so glad you had people like this in your life too. ❤ you’re one of the lucky ones for sure. I’ve never been in the system myself, but I’ve had a few close friends who were and their experiences weren’t anything close to this. It’s heartbreaking knowing that’s more “the norm” bc no one deserves to be in the system period, but NO ONE deserves to be treated even worse and revictimized by the system ever.
This must be such a tricky thing to navigate. Trying to support someone who's instincts warn them against you.
But imagine the huge level of growth and healing children can feel when they get a chance to trust and feel safe again... Hugely rewarding for the hard work.
I love this video 😁👍
I'm 30, and my partner navigates this with me. Survivor of DV and SA. It's really hard when I'm triggered, but therapy and yoga help so much.
@@thestarspark2288 it can be so hard to navigate things as a couple when one or both people are survivors of abuse, and I'm glad you found someone to support you.
I dealt with a _lot_ of emotional abuse through my life and it left me with a lot of triggers and anxieties that impact my relationships. My partner doesn't understand them at all, but they understand they don't like seeing me upset. It means a lot that they take the time to listen and learn what they can do to comfort and reassure me. ❤
Choosing who to sit by at a table is SO important and definitely not considered enough. Nice work!
Man, this makes me sad that these things NEED to be done. Im so glad people are put there, showing the do's and don'ts.
Bruh. Imagine if every kid who went through trauma actually ended up in the arms/homes of people like this 😭 so many people wouldn't still be dealing with that trauma. This is how you help a kid learn to trust again. You guys are incredible and so full of helpful information!
I was adopted at 15 after being abused for years by my bio dad. I'll forever be thankful for my dad for treating me this way
It’s heartbreaking that you had to go through that, you are so strong for being able to endure that for however long you had to
God this is so strange to watch for someone who grew up without a father figure but so comforting at the same time.
Growing up, I had to just “suck it up” and be around the specific men I was worried about, because “hiding from them was rude”. I don’t know enough words to explain how happy I am that this kind of support is available for children now. I’ll be the first to say I’m jealous that they get this and I didn’t, but the important part is that they get this kindness and understanding. Thank you
his target audience: foster parents and how to treat the child respectfullly
his audience: young adults/teens whove experienced too much trauma in their lives
he's reached the foster kids side of it like me to now and it kinda hit me in a weird way
I'm 58 and wish I had a father like this. I felt myself cringing while he was being nice because it doesn't seem right, even after all these years
This is fantastic. It took one of our girls a month to be okay with my partner and when he sent a video of them playing barbies and her laughing one day it was the most beautiful thing!
Awww, that made me smile! I’m so happy you guys were able to help that little girl so much!
When my mom married my step dad I was about 12. She told him not to expect me to get close or to take a long time. She told me a few years later that, after we had all been moved in together for several months, my brother and I had just left for school one morning and he had told her that I had hugged him goodbye before school for the first time, and he was so happy that I was finally comfortable around him. That man was the single most positive male figure I have ever before or ever since had in my life. A caring, dorky, supportive Dad. Sadly he passed in 2014, but I still feel him with us a lot.
That’s so sweet. My foster parents never played with me or really attempted bonding with me at all. They weren’t bad to me but I think my little heart would have loved to play dolls with someone.
I never thought I’d get emotional over these videos. I mean, I never went into foster care or had to question if I’d end up in the foster system as a younger child, but as a teen…I’m so incredibly grateful that people like this are still around TRYING to make it easier on those who didn’t share that experience with me.
For context I wouldn’t given the world to have a male figure in my life like this and just the small considerations like “I have to keep my hands visible.” It’s just. God, thank you.
took me a second to figure out why sharing a blanket could be triggering but once I realized I appreciated how thoughtful this approach to caretaking really is
A friend of mine use to have a rescue dog that didn't like many men. Dog had been dumped in someone's yard so not sure of history but this dog absolutely hated the UPS driver so we speculate the original owner was a UPS driver and abused the dog. When walking the dog my friend would warn men not to pet the dog because he might bite the man. It was ridiculous how many men got offended. Men need to stop taking it personally when animals and/or children are afraid of them. Instead be offended/angry that another man would treat others so horribly. Great video. Good advice for all men.
It's like people assume that they're being accused of being abusive. No, trauma is just difficult. I have trauma from medical professionals and so many of them get so offended I'm wary of them. Which just makes me more wary.
When my parents adopted our dog as a puppy (4m) she'd do the same thing. She'd been beaten by a man and was terrified of my dad, every time he came around she'd cower under something. She'd only let my mom go near her. it didn't take long for her to be obsessed with him, and he never took it personally mostly was just sad that she was in that state.
@@waffles3629 It's like people assume that all men are confident and secure and that anyone can say anything to them, and they won't be affected. They 'should' just take it as meaning nothing--that they aren't being judged. That they aren't seen as wrong. That they aren't less than women in the current social environment. That they aren't wrong for being born a male. People are experiencing many things, many things that do not relate to what oneself is experiencing. If we don't open our minds to this, we are assuming our own experience is all that is happening.
@@superfluityme yep, the whole "well I never experienced it so it's not real" mentality is so messed up. I had a cis man 'inform' me that period cramps didn't exist because he'd never felt them. I had no words. Then again I had an actual medical doctor tell me that "period cramps cause no pain" so I wasn't even surprised. Like yes a "painful involuntary contraction of a muscle" is definitely painless. 🤦♂️ Like he had literally just watched me pass out (and the friend who brought me checked on me, not the doctor standing right there) and then tried to kick me out because "there's nothing wrong with you". Yeah. Bullshit.
@@superfluityme oh my god shut up. men are not "less than" women in the current social environment or any. get over yourself incel
Neckbeards on the Internet: “It’s so insulting that you’d treat me like this! I’M not the one that hurt you! Ugh!”
This Guy: “I want to make it one hundred percent clear to you that you are safe with me, because you deserve nothing less.”
Be like this guy. ♥️
They *talk* things and this guy *makes* things.
What's a neckbeard? I've never heard of that before. Sounds like a pirate name
@@miguelmarquez4192it’s another word for a scummy man, someone who doesn’t really understand issues and blame victims
@@miguelmarquez4192 it's just a snarky person that spends way too much time on the internet
@ebenw1815 ohhh I'm both those but not at once. Thanks!
Also keep in mind that "abusing less isn't not abusing". My stepdad seemed to think that because I got molested by my grandfather that he should emotionally abuse me less...but he still emotionally abuses me a lot. You're supposed to become even softer and a genuinely good person because of their trauma, not slightly.
Had a father figure like this and I sadly lost him. He was the same way... so polite kind and accepting. I was a skater kid with an afro and eccentric style.. My actual father was nothing like this guy.. I'm tearing up rn. Thank you for everything George!!
Why can’t all dads be this way? My dad was the typical Mexican dad that’s always drinking, angry at you and making ur mom cry. Whenever I see a nice dad like this I tear up
All kids deserve parents but not all parents deserve kids
I can relate my Dad is Brazilian and also had a really promising career in Boxing but got injured in a car accident and became a drunk to cope with his depression but all that did was make angry and Violent. And hispanic men in general can be pretty aggresive when it comes to parenting to begin with even with out the Boozse.
bruh i was in mexico like a week ago and havent seen a single drunk wdym typical
Same smh the older macho mexican men suck 😒 and their sons too cuz they learn it from them.
@@thepestilence5796 I think he means stereotypical
As someone who was abused by his biological father and left a mark of distrust on anybodies father/father figure, this means so so much. I wish I had this.
Same, if only my dad would having like this kind man. I hope you're in a better place ❤
Same here. It heals a little place inside, when I see videos like this💖
I can tell you were abused by your trans pfp
me too, i found myself tearing up… its sad really..
People like you really really return me hope
I'm 21 yrs old and pretty scared of men, I've been sexually assaulted and abused by multiple men, it's a difficult thing to deal with because I'm just told to not be dramatic and not all men are that way but I struggle when I've never really had a positive experience with men all my life, it's so beautiful to see your patience and kindness with understanding the struggle some children and people face
I’m not even from the foster care system but seeing this made my heart warm. Give this dad the father of the year award or something like that!
Another pro tip is to try not to sneak up behind them, I'm nervous about men standing or walking behind me so I appreciate them maybe softly clearing their throat or saying somthing like "just passing by." So I know that they are there.
THIS
That’s not how life works… people don’t owe it to you to let you know they are there in a public space if nobody is in each others way
@@goathead5446 Yeah, and most people who are "traumatized" and are "afraid of men" are seeking attention. Sorry not sorry. Plus, this is 2023. We don't even know what the words "man" and "woman" mean, and our scientists are even telling us now that there's just no difference at all.
That's something my MA dojang teaches is to announce you're on the floor first, or announce you're behind someone first because you don't know how they'll react.
It's just good to be taught in general because you could either trigger an anxiety attack, or you could cause them to lash out (like in my case) and go into fight mode
@@goathead5446That's true but what if you as a one singular person did this for someone now that you know- and you actually made someone feel better?
The problem is that people feel as if children aren’t allowed to have boundaries …… and they are
In my childhood as a girl with a toxic, abusive, s3xual assaulter and narcissist stepfather I never felt safe, in that time i was so scared of being around any men, now I'm doing better, but seeing this men talking with such a kindness and love, so soft, made feel kinda weird but overall made me feel good, safe, Im not even from the same country but it felt like a real father :) thanks kind sir
Aw I’m crying rn. As a guy myself, I have ptsd and get scared around any other man no matter who he is. Everything you do is amazing and I wish I had the help I needed after the things that happened when I was little. You are an Angel, thank you for what you do.
I hope you get better ok! You can do it
My issues don't stem from childhood but from more adult "fight or die" stuff and I only last week noticed how scared of men I actually am. My boss was un-intentionally blocking the way between me and the front door while talking and I just suddenly started misreading his body language and felt a wave of rage and adrenaline wash over me. I almost beat the living crap out of him.
Didn't feel nice having my days of being a henchmen catch up with me in my new normie life.
, I hope things get Better for you soon 👍🏼
@@chubbydinosaur9148uh oh that isn't good.
I’d say just don’t share a blanket period.
lovely video, love seeing ur husband is as passionate abt this work as you are🥺
I am so lucky to have him!
@@foster.parenting and he's lucky to have you :)
I have never been in foster care but I can tell you that as someone with friends and acquaintances that were in foster care this is everything and I just want to say how amazing it is that you are compassionate and understanding of their experiences!!
Hi im fostered and when i was younger i wouldnt go outside because i was scared of men as i was abused..this is amazing that you show people this and im grateful for you to raise awareness ❤❤
The preference one. Gosh. It is so not personal if a foster/adoptive child prefers one parent over the other. There are like a billion reasons completely unrelated to you as a person that this can happen. Even if you don’t see why looking at the child’s history, there could very easily be something unknown, or subtle/minor enough not to be on there, or just something you may not realize could have any correlation.
Exactly 🙏 and sometimes even when it seems like they prefer one foster parent over the other they still appreciate you in their own way even if they don't show it, I know when I was staying with other families (until I was old enough to stay with my mom)(long story lol) I appreciated the male figures that were there even if I didn't interact in the same way, ofc that's my own personal experience but I feel it's important to mention
@@carbonated_salt9645 Men is a pretty common one. I had severe anxiety as a child and often couldn’t speak to men. I had a perfectly normal relationship with my father and brother as a little kid, and can’t pinpoint any specific instance that may have caused the issue, but that’s how I was for a long time.
absolutely agree!!!! i will forever take it personally, however, that my own dog prefers my mom over me 😭 (def not the same thing at all, but if even pets have preferences like that, we should show children that same amount of grace when they do, as well)
I grew up in homes with alcoholism, drug abuse, pornography, tons of inappropriate sexual behavior, extreme poverty and instability. I appreciate this video very much bc to this day loud groups of drunk men potentially make me upset and scared. It’s paradoxical- I worked at one point as a stripper and also can party and interact with drunks- but the other stuff is still there but you can’t always tell. Some of the early sexual abuse was disguised as extreme tickle fights. With my stepdad. At first I liked it but later it felt bad. Aggressive. Kids don’t know how to explain or justify these feelings. The sensitivity here I thought was really good. Thank you. ❤
😢 hi, i just wanna ask how your life is going now? a single "good" will be okay, just interesting
As a victim of ca I have done a lot of learning. Paradoxic is exactly how our brains work. So the brain will go out of its way to put you in similar situations as your abuse, to try and teach you how to react better next time.
Where you feel like your in control your ok, where you feel out of control the trauma fight, flight freeze response cones in.
I had EMDR and now I am much more in control of myself. Take care
@@stampandscrap7494 you know- I think in so many ways advocacy damages abuse survivors by codifying everything and exploiting the healthcare system. I also think it’s all pointless without basic supports like housing; a responsible society, including the police; healthcare; and so forth. A functioning justice system. Supposedly the US compensation for victims is really really low, about ten grand a year for two years or some bullshit amount.
As someone who had a lot of trauma surrounding men as a child, this really touched my heart. I really appreciate the kindness and thought put into your actions in the video, as well as the lack of judgement towards the imaginary child. That kind of gentleness and compassion would have been so comforting and made me feel so much safer after I left my abuser. Thank you for educating other adults! ❤ You're a wonderful human being!
Children generalize things when they are young.. so if a man was doing the absuing, they will likely be afraid of all men until taught/shown otherwise. This guy is giving an amazing example of comfort, safety, and respect to the children he homes.
The amount of compassion and patience displayed here is beautiful
Children are extremely impressionable and they will always remember how others made them feel.😊
Well, yeah. There’s no kid…
It's both beautiful, and infuriating. Beautiful that there are people actively seeking ways to help a child cope with theit trauma, and infuriating that there are animals that made this kind of thing necessary.
This is just acting.
Compassion? He is acting to a person holding a camera to look good on the internet 😂😂
i don’t comment often on youtube videos, but this really touched me. i’m not even a foster child, but i could’ve used this too as a kid. you are wonderful
Hands not being visible/in crotch area are still such triggers for me.
We use to be fosters, we adopted our last foster because we knew with his physical/ health problems that he’d need a constant in his life. We started fostering him when he was 3 weeks old, adopted when he was a year old. He just turned 10 ♥️
As a foster child still in the system this is honestly a refreshing showing of how not all foster homes are structured and rigid and you don’t get one on one care. This has honestly made me so happy
Rooting for you!
🫂♥️🫂
The blanket..thank you for calling that out. It's a blanket to some and a trap for others..not one place I ended up had a man like this..this brought tears to my heart...bless your home and mission to help the broken ones.
That was not something I was expecting, it was kind of dark😕
@sparagmos4748 CSA is so common, but we just don't talk about it. It's always someone we know, usually someone in charge, and most often a paternal figure
This should be mandated training for every foster parent and every applying foster parents. Every month. Forever.
Just so you know that the walking towards them without saying why can also be triggering. That's what it looks like when he comes to your room at night. Be sure to talk while you walk. Make some noise so you're not seen as sneaking up on them.
I was never abused in these ways, but the kindness and consideration here is so beautiful and deeply caring, this made me tear up🥹🥹🥹 Thank you for sharing an amazing example of a good parent and good man. 🙏❤️❤️❤️
Same!!!
Yeah but if a little boy reacts this way because he was abused by his mother he just needs to shut up and deal with it and stop blaming his mom for everything huh🙄
@@sabbathpriest3755 what?? No, absolutely no one should have to just shut up and deal with abuse or trauma from past abuse. If a child has trauma from an abusive mother and the foster father is the safer person for that child, then foster parents should accommodate accordingly, like this man did, but vice versa where it’s the foster mom making extra effort. A boy who survives abuse should have access to a safe environment and emotional support, and therapy and mental health support, just like anyone who survives abuse. I was abused by a mother figure also. I’m so sorry you’ve been made to feel like you have to “shut up and deal with it.” But I do agree, abuse from women or mother figures is less common so it’s given less attention and acknowledgement compared to abuse by men. But women can absolutely be abusers. I hope you can find more support, or if it’s not you, then the victims who feel this way can find more support💜
@@ChelseaLori I’m sorry for coming off like a jerk in my original comment, this video and the comments just triggered a lot of resentment in me from my own personal trauma, thank you for such a kind response and being understanding of my feelings.
@@sabbathpriest3755 ok imagine if you are a little boy ages 3-9 being abused in not just being hit but being s3xually assaulted by someone for many years it would be like having ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) and the fear of having that happen to again would echo inside you like a nonstop fire alarm so all the little boy are sorry if they want to take extra precautions to make sure there moms or dads don’t r@pe them.
This can be applied to all specific types of people children are afraid of! Great post!
yes! definitely
This is so incredibly thoughtful and considerate. You never know what things may trigger a child who had been abused. I love this❤❤❤
If i got this support after being petrified of women and in foster care.. god i wouldve been much happier...
this is so true it can go both ways. women often feel that because they are the "safer sex" certain triggers will not have the same effect when they absolutely do, especially if your trauma stems from women specifically.
Couple things to add. Make sure you have their attention and their eyes are on you before approaching- if they suddenly hear your voice right next to them, or don't see you til you're right there, it can be triggering. Also, if they're in a vulnerable state (eg, they've hurt themself, or are upset), talk to them from a distance first, ask to come close, don't initiate physical contact without permission (or don't ask at all, just see if someone else is available if possible). If they need to be woken up, don't do so by touching, banging things, or verbalising. Having a man near their bed watching them or startling them awake is gonna feel shit. What can work is setting a gentle alarm on your phone and leaving it to get them up, maybe with a note explaining why it's there, and how long you were there for (eg "Was just checking in to make sure you're awake, you weren't so I left the phone to help you get up and let you check the time yourself. Take your time, we've got x amount of time before we head to y.")
THIS!!
I remember when I was younger, my father was screaming in my ear to wake me up from a nap, and it scared the shit out of me! (I can’t remember the name, due to childhood amnesia)
I love the kindness and the patience. I was SA'd by a stranger when I was 17 and walking to class in Boston.... I spent a couple of years being kind of.... Promiscuous I guess and my mom said I was trying so hard to prove to myself and others that I was NOT going to be afraid of men. That criminal took so much from me(including my virginity) that I was determined to prove I wouldn't be afraid. Thankfully a lot of therapy and meetings at BARCC(Boston area rape crisis center) helped me see that not only was I not alone but I was not the "damage goods" I was convinced I was♥️
I'm proud of you and I salute you
@@eienryucho6648 Thank you so much for your very kind and sweet comment!! I truly do appreciate💜💗💜💗
I'm an adult still scared of big men. This was very comforting to just watch. Thank you
This short has popped up on my page for the third time now, and I’ve cried for the third time now because of it, especially with drawing attention to the fear of sharing a blanket. You are so compassionate and really anyone who isn’t immediately offended by someone being scared of men is a plus in my book. I love your channel and thank you so much for drawing attention to all these things ❤
Oh how lovely that he understands the child’s behavior instead of feeling insulted or accused. You are very amazing people ❤️
I have tears...I rewatched this video couple times...I wish that the men in my life would understand this and not force on me having alcohol around the house even after I explained several times it's a trigger for me (alcoholic father). Same with cornering me or not be okay if I say no to physical closeness...
It's a bit reassuring and healing seeing that respectful, appropriate and kind men like this exist
They exist and they are the type of men you deserve to have in your life.
@brialab2228 Thank you so much for this reply, it means a lot to me! I did start to realise this and put some boundaries but I wasn't that sure yet. This was what I needed to hear right now, it greatly makes the difference and gives me confidence to go on with seeing myself as valuable and worthy. Thank you so much!
@@myriam8737 good for you! Yes, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness - if someone doesn't, you could give them a chance (if you want) and explain to them how their behaviour isn't respectful or considerate, and what you need instead, and if they don't change their behaviour from then on, don't keep them in your life - move on. There are kinder people out there who will love and respect you.
@@Czadzikable Yes, this is one of the most valuable lessons I'm learning this year. It's incredible how many children are not raised to think this way
I just stumbled upon you and your wife account and now I'm watching all your videos balling my eyes out at 3 am. I wish nothing but the best for you two and your kids. Thank you for all your efforts it means a lot more than you can even think.
Reminds me of my dad, I recently lost contact to him and this reminds him about the fun times we did, Thank you dad.
I've wanted to be a foster parent since I was little and while I'm still not quite adult enough to do it at 22, I still love these videos! I feel like they're so helpful for not only foster parents but for people who are regularly around kids!
I had a single friend who fostered. She taught elementary school and had a little girl with mental health issues in her home. No idea what the minimum age for fostering is, but once you reach that age I hope your dream comes true.
That’s awesome! Maybe you can look to see if there are any volunteering opportunities near you as you get prepared
@@NikkiiiiiLovesU that's a really good idea! I hadn't even thought of that 🤦🏼♀️ I'll have to look into it!
This makes me respect my father, so much more because I didn’t have to go through this kind of fear. God bless good fathers, may he bring our fathers to grace
❤❤
As someone adopted with an abusive father, this makes me incredibly happy. Thank you
This just made my day, I’m so glad that there are foster kids out there getting this kind of compassion and understanding. Thank you so much for sharing this advice.
He really is this patient and compassionate ❤
There’s no child how can you say this. It’s like a photo ( It looks nice but you don’t know what there really like) .. please don’t be dumb open your eyes properly
Now that's a great Dad foster or otherwise he represents what a Dad should be
You seem like the nicest dad ever😭❤️
Is that all it takes to win your trust?
Might wanna work on that.
@@Lewiss7423 i cant figure out if this is creepy or nice🤔😂
@@unknown_Mushroomhe means it in a way that he want you to be cations of who you trust
Weirdo...kid probably just scared of him and that blanket.
@@unknown_Mushroom Creepy. Creepy.
The blanket part hit me right in my inner child soul.
Thank you for making this video and helping others become aware. ❤
This very useful, and can be used outside of a foster care setting. I hope you make more shorts and videos as this is a genuinely good thing you are doing.