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Recognizing the need for reciprocity and staying true to that is such a game-changer. It’s empowering when you stop doubting yourself and set healthy standards.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchoolYup, why would you walk on egg shells and struggle to keep someone around who doesn’t like you and doesn’t even know themselves? It’s absolutely unacceptable.
Healing avoidant here... You should leave an avoidant when you don't feel like there is healthy interdependence. That word has very different meaning for each person. You must go with what feels healthy to you. Find someone that can give you the connection you desire and need to be happy and at peace in a relationship, because believe me, avoidants do the same thing (even ones who have spent years in therapy and are on a healing journey).
What do you mean avoidants do the same thing? They want to find someone who will leave them alone 2 weeks at a time? Because that's what makes them feel happy and at peace?
I wish I’d given myself a deadline…. But kept telling myself “it will get better”…. Then decided that if I do everything I possibly can with myself and that doesn’t inspire anything in him, then I’ve done everything….
As an avoidant, this is really interesting to me. I'm kind of having the opposite problem with my anxious friend. She does things like text bombing me but she doesn't care if I have the capacity to receive so many texts. And whenever I try to bring anything up that she's doing that upsets me, I end up comforting her. I asked her if she could check in with me before she sends me a barrage of texts and it ended with her crying and asking, " do you hate me?" And her begging me not to abandon her. It felt very manipulative because that conversation started from something that she was doing that was upsetting me and it never got addressed. I noticed this in a lot of my relationships because I tend to attract anxious types. But then I end up feeling like a security blanket or a therapist. Sometimes my anxious friend gives me compliments such as " You're so strong." I used to think this was nice but now it feels like it's just something she says so that we can focus on her problems. After all, why would the strong person have any problems? I feel like at this point my anxious friend sees me not even as a human, but as a means to soothe her anxiety. She never asked how I'm doing, she just tells me how strong I am and how much she admires that. But I don't want to be admired. I want to be supported. I kind of feel like our friendship is doomed and I don't know what to do. She also triggers my avoidant tendencies. I don't want to shut down but when emotions get really high I do. And then it triggers her abandonment wound. I just don't know what to do. I love her but when we are stressed out our dynamic feels really unhealthy. And of course she blames it all in my avoidance, but I feel like her anxiety is a huge barrier to us being close.
I guess my takeaway from this is I need to set my own boundaries and maybe remove myself from this situation since she is not invested in healing herself. But I feel so much guilt because I know she's going to accuse me of abandoning her, accuse me of being cold and unfeeling. I've been there for her for years through every crisis and never felt like she was there for me the very few times I needed or wanted support.
How old is she? I have a friend who did something similar last year that I had to let go of. My mom was sick and I was going through a lot and didn't want to talk to anyone about it and this friend would not stop texting me and no matter how many times I assured her that it wasn't her, she kept doing it until I stopped responding all together. We're in our 40's and this is not acceptable. Maybe if we were teenagers but no.
We are also in our 40s and we've been friends since we were kids. I don't know if it's just her anxious attachment or something else more nefarious - the day after my mom died, she sent me a text complaining about her mom. She had enough self-awareness to quickly apologize - but honestly, she literally forgot my mom just died! It's just so hard to know when to give up a friendship, but I feel so drained by it. And the guilt is real. I know the guilt isn't always rational but it is real. I'm sorry for what you went through. It's very confusing and heartbreaking.
@@___3988 I'm sorry about your mom. Mine died a few months ago and I'm broken. Our situations sound very similar. My friend would call me complaining and upset about everything and honestly she was there for me a lot too. However, when I need space, I need space. It's not because I just don't feel like talking and even if it was that's still okay. But if I have to keep repeating myself, I'm going to get upset because you're putting yourself and your needs over mine because you can't control your anxiety. The worst part was, when I reappeared on social media after many months had passed to update people on why I was quiet and not responding to messages, she deleted me off social media immediately after I posted it. Imagine that? Sharing your pain from a death and they unfriend you? I was like cool. Looks like I made the right decision not speaking to her. I've been cutting toxic people out a lot lately. The amount of crap I put up with and surrounded myself with over the years was so unhealthy. I'm not sad about this. I feel better. I'm sad about my mom. Not losing friendships that were draining.
@@___3988 My thought is :because she accuses you of stuff, it doesn’t mean she is right. She is NOT the judge and jury. I think you perhaps can acknowledge her accusations for what they are, just claims and accusations. I’d be tempted to shrug and sincerely say, “I did my best”. and if necessary , walk away.
I just want to say thank you so much thasis, a year to a year and a half ago i found ur channel and found out that i was a fearful avoidant. I did not think that i can heal from it at all but i kept on binging allllllllllll of your videos whether its for FA, DA, AP, and secured, i watched them all and learned so much. I always saved every video in each respective attachment playlist as well. I even signed up for a membership and did some of the prompts! I can now say, im secure enough to recognize if someones putting in effort or not, healed alot of my wounds and probably still healing forever, and learned to communicate so much better! My ex just left me again for another guy but i saw that coming kind of because she was not matching my efforts at all no matter how much i communicated to the point where i was getting fed up. She was def a DA. Only thing was she pulled the plug before i could. Anyway thank you thasis for instilling me the knowledge to love myself and to recognized and set boundaries for my future relationships! I will keep on watching your videos on the daily!
You're an FA with self-awareness and a willingness to heal? Congratulations! You're extremely rare, literally one in a billion. Best of luck on your healing journey.
@@nova12332This is pretty much me. I thought I was anxious but it turns out I lean strongly on AP but I have a lot of the triggers and wounds and needs of the FA. For example, I’m not the person to retreat or leave people easily, but I do need my own time and to not be suffocated. Also, discrepancies and inconsistencies send me off the wall!
Does anyone ever feel like romantic relationships are just not for them? I was never that little girl who dreamed of marriage and as I went into relationships over the years, I generally came out in worse shape needing to heal from them. All except for the one secure guy I dated, but even in that one I felt indifferent. I decided I don't want romantic relationships anymore. They're not for me and I've tried. When I'm single, my mind is clear and I'm super focused on my life, kids and career. When I'm in a relationship it doesn't bring anything extra that I need. I don't need the validation or for anyone to take care of my emotions. I have plenty of friends where we nuture each other. I have to break it off with my DA and don't know the right words. We've been friends for so many years that we always end up talking again which leads into another cycle and it's not doing anything for me anymore unfortunately. I wonder if I just need to put our friendship on pause for a couple of years so this can properly end. I've changed since my mom died last September. I need solitude.
You're not the only one. I've always felt smothered in serious relationships which is why I tend to enjoy more casual ones. I never feel more "fulfilled" either. I just enjoy my acquaintances, friends, and casual relationships in life. The rest is on me. 🤷🏿♂️
@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g I have always felt smothered too but it's the opposite with my DA. I just don't like being in relationships in general I think. I don't even want to casually date or anything. I like how I feel more when I'm single.
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope I think people are just built more differently than most would suggest. I've had two friends (a guy and a girl) ask me how I can be so happy in casual relationships. They both recently ended their and have been coming to the gym with me to "relieve their stress." The girl is working out with weights and the guy is doing Kickboxing with me, lol.
Gyms are great for breakups. I feel so much better dealing with stress all together at the gym. More people should try it. I have one right in the mall where my store is. I'm about to close up for an hour to work out some built up stuff. My brain won't stfu. Lol @@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope lol, that's so convenient! Yeah, I'd definitely use that gym. I used to work out and shower at the gym back when I was working for other people, lol.
I tell you a topic I'd like to see in a video. Avoidants come in two very different categories. One is people who are generally healthy, they can work and socialize, they enjoy life, but they have some avoidant behavior patterns. This is the group having romantic flings with the lovebomb-discard-rebound cycle. People don't stop to think that you need a certain baseline of physical energy for all this socializing. This group benefits from self-improvement coaching/therapy because they're already healthy. But there's another group of people with physical challenges --- neurochemical deficiencies, severe anxiety, etc. -- whose avoidance goes down deep. Those of us in the second group cannot relate to the romantic fling cycle. We don't get a dopamine high from flirting. We don't lovebomb because we don't even know how to go about doing that. We barely have the energy to keep our bathroom clean, let alone go out on dates. We consistently score high on DA profiles, but the lovebomb-discard cycle is foreign to us. I'd like to see more resources on healing for this category.
Coach Adam Lane Smith talks about what he calls the "moral avoidant" on his channel. I love watching it because he doesn't demonize DAs the way other channels do.
@@WrittenMysteries most people who claim they're dating avoidants most likely are dating narcissists or people who have lost interest in them. Avoidant is the new label people are using these days.
@@WrittenMysteries I hear that. When people on here say I'm a liar and cheater because I'm a FA and like huh? I personally cannot stand people who cheat and liars will get you tossed out of my life asap. Even if it's a friend who lies and cheats on their partner, I will break a 20 year friendship over it. That's how much I despise it. So to be called those things is ridiculous.
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Copemy spouse and I lost a cousin after he dumped his wife and left her with a mortgage. the family initially promised to suupprt her, but in the end they all chose family blood over her. she disappeared and we never saw her again. no consequences for the cousin.
So very true. I stayed hoping that things would be better and that the work I was doing in the relationship and on myself would inspire my partner (at the time) to do the work on herself. Although it was painful for the breakup to happen (which I believe she chose to leave because the work was too much and she felt pressure to work on us and herself (which I admit I likely did unintentionally from previous videos)). Anyway I feel like I learned so much to become a better partner for that person who the best match for me and who is capable of that reciprocity that I wasn’t receiving previously.
It’s hard when the effort isn’t reciprocated, but it sounds like you’ve gained so much clarity for the future. That growth will undoubtedly benefit your next relationship.
Those phrases can definitely be telling. It’s often a reflection of where they are emotionally-and a reminder to listen to the actions behind the words.
When my ex and I got back together after she dumped me, I could tell within a few days that she wouldn't change. I was the one actually living a lie at that point. Needless to say, she dumped me again.
That realization can be so tough, but it sounds like you learned a lot from the experience. Sometimes walking away is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Avoidance will push you until you lose your temper. Once you lose your temper you are now the problem. When they break up with you they will start a fight. After 8 years of hoping it will get better, I think it's time to cut my losses. She has left me so emotionally drained and hurt.
ever feel like you’re the one no one notices, no matter what you do? i’ve been there. i tried all the advice out there, but nothing stuck until i read Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki. the insights in chapter 3 blew my mind-it taught me how to let my energy do the talking before i even say a word.
Feeling invisible can be so disheartening. It’s great that you found something that helped shift your perspective and brought out a new kind of confidence
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool I've been following your guidance in all relationship matters.. It really change my life, truly saved me from sabotaging my love life forever.. So thank you.
I know you probably get lots of inquires, but can you speak to "situationships"? I dated an avoidant, met online, was ghosted after deeply connected. We reconnected but i didnt pressure dating. I built a genuine connection and as we got closer feelings grew on both ends, we started cuddling. Then withdrawal from the avoidant, breadcrumbing. I confessed my feelings more directly and more distance, but we kept daily contact. I expressed my vulnerabllities and was told she wasnt sure about moving beyond friendship, then i was told she thought we were "just friends" after i got upset she had other interests and didnt tell me. I had to ask. She was going to keep stringing me along. I set a no contact boundary after saying i wanted more than friendship. We became really great friends. But the way we connected was deeper than friendship, thats why feelings grew from both us. Its like shes not acknowledging the feelings anymore and said she thought we tabled dating. I see my lessons but this is confusing bc no clear boundaries were set, yet the emotional connection is being downplayed and it feels very invalidating and confusing. I feel like im abandoning my best friend i found over the course of over a year....
If it wasn’t for Thais I would have had frequent flyer miles in the closest psyche ward by now. I have been dealing with an ex wife who showed up back in my life after 12 years of being divorced. I see now that she is a hard core DA and I started out as a mild AA. You all know exactly how we ended up divorced. Because I was “lucky” enough to come accross Thais channel I have been able to give the act of reconciliation an honest attempt.
@ Yes I have had the displeasure of spending several 72 hour holds in various psychiatric facilities due to my diagnosis of PTSD, Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Treatment Resistant Major Depression. Thank you for reminding me that those times were “no joke”.
Thank you, Thais, for sharing your knowledge with us. Your videos are SOOOO helpful! ❤❤❤ There's one thing that confuses me. My DA boyfriend says he used to be very clingy in his relationships when he was younger. Like an AP. He says he noticed that being clingy never went well and therefore decided to never be like that anymore. We've been going out for three years and I swear he behaves like a picture-book DA. He was abandoned by his parents as a child and definitley lacked emotional support, which made him becocme independent very early. Is it possible that he used to be an AP as a young adult but due to too much heartache, he became a DA?
I love your content and learn so much from you video and podcasts! Do you have a video that addresses how to determine the difference between core wound triggers vs. basic relationship needs not being met? I struggle and question myself consistently, is this me getting triggered because of my core wound or abandonment vs. this is something my partner SHOULD be doing because it’s a basic need for any healthy relationship to survive and it’s not a core wound, rather than a red flag. i.e I asked my husband to help me with cleaning out my deceased parents home because doing it alone was causing me a lot of mental anguish and wanted his support, but multiple weekends in a row he prioritized other things related to a social calendar and at one point even said my brother should be there to help. My head instantly goes to “he’s not going to be there for me when I need him for hard things” - I question is this a red flag or my core wound of abandonment getting triggered and it completely healthy to not want to or need to lean on him when things are hard. I could give more examples, but I think there is a consistent theme of me questioning myself if it’s a core wound I need to try to self soothe or am I just putting up with really poor behavior.
been there, feeling like no matter how hard i tried, i just didn’t stand out. then i picked up Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki, and honestly, it changed everything. chapter 3 opened my eyes to how energy works-it’s not about effort, it’s about alignment. people started noticing me in ways they never had before.
How do you know when to give up on an avoidant after they've left and are continuing to breadcrumb? I'm doing the work on myself, but they don't seem interested (or even believe they need) working on themselves?
@@meganquinn5747 I understand. But if he left and he's breadcrumbing while also not willing to work on it, I'm not sure what your options are. He at least needs to want to make it work.
I know I need to run but when things are good they are very good and I can’t seem to let go. I thought I had at one time when he disappeared for literally months as in 8-9 (I lost count) and guess who he drew back in? ME! Things were really different with us this time after the long time apart as in really good for 2 1/2 months. Then he said he needed space when I let him pursue me as of all days it was after we were together on New Year’s Day and he reached out to me last night so around 2 weeks and wants me back. I feel like such a fool but when things are great they are great between us in every way! We’ve had a thing for each other since we were 14 years old. Why am I having such a hard time? I did ask him last night if he would please just communicate more with me about things so they don’t get to same thing every time and he said yes he would. So we’ll see. I know I should just run but I just can’t. I’ve read so much about DA’s but any feedback would possibly help. Sorry this is so long. Thank you for the great videos.
I have been trying for almost three years with my avoidant... We made some tiny, tiny steps forward but he backpedals immediately afterwards. I have decided to walk away numerous times, since there was no progress in sight and since I have been giving him second chances after second chances. However, he does not give up and keeps coming back, he refuses to let me go. I have set a deadline, he promises to change but fails me time after time. What should I do if he does not want to end the relationship although he simultaneously does not make any changes to make it work? Is it a lost cause? We are long distance, which makes it even more difficult... I am so exhausted to "work", relationships should not require so much effort...
I think you answered her first question, the most important she said. They call it “boomerang” when they keep coming back. Be ready to be done she said. Hard to take. Makes sense though.
i was just like you, wondering why some people effortlessly draw attention while i felt invisible. nothing i tried seemed to work. then i came across Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki, and it completely shifted my perspective. the way chapter 3 explains energy and presence? it’s like unlocking the secret to being noticed.
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I now look for reciprocity and consistency, and stopped doubting myself when I was made out to be “too much” when I asked for it.
Love this!
Recognizing the need for reciprocity and staying true to that is such a game-changer. It’s empowering when you stop doubting yourself and set healthy standards.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchoolYup, why would you walk on egg shells and struggle to keep someone around who doesn’t like you and doesn’t even know themselves? It’s absolutely unacceptable.
Healing avoidant here... You should leave an avoidant when you don't feel like there is healthy interdependence. That word has very different meaning for each person. You must go with what feels healthy to you. Find someone that can give you the connection you desire and need to be happy and at peace in a relationship, because believe me, avoidants do the same thing (even ones who have spent years in therapy and are on a healing journey).
May lv the Avdnt if you don’t see interdependence…
What do you mean avoidants do the same thing? They want to find someone who will leave them alone 2 weeks at a time? Because that's what makes them feel happy and at peace?
I wish I’d given myself a deadline…. But kept telling myself “it will get better”…. Then decided that if I do everything I possibly can with myself and that doesn’t inspire anything in him, then I’ve done everything….
As an avoidant, this is really interesting to me. I'm kind of having the opposite problem with my anxious friend. She does things like text bombing me but she doesn't care if I have the capacity to receive so many texts. And whenever I try to bring anything up that she's doing that upsets me, I end up comforting her. I asked her if she could check in with me before she sends me a barrage of texts and it ended with her crying and asking, " do you hate me?" And her begging me not to abandon her. It felt very manipulative because that conversation started from something that she was doing that was upsetting me and it never got addressed. I noticed this in a lot of my relationships because I tend to attract anxious types. But then I end up feeling like a security blanket or a therapist. Sometimes my anxious friend gives me compliments such as " You're so strong." I used to think this was nice but now it feels like it's just something she says so that we can focus on her problems. After all, why would the strong person have any problems? I feel like at this point my anxious friend sees me not even as a human, but as a means to soothe her anxiety. She never asked how I'm doing, she just tells me how strong I am and how much she admires that. But I don't want to be admired. I want to be supported. I kind of feel like our friendship is doomed and I don't know what to do. She also triggers my avoidant tendencies. I don't want to shut down but when emotions get really high I do. And then it triggers her abandonment wound. I just don't know what to do. I love her but when we are stressed out our dynamic feels really unhealthy. And of course she blames it all in my avoidance, but I feel like her anxiety is a huge barrier to us being close.
I guess my takeaway from this is I need to set my own boundaries and maybe remove myself from this situation since she is not invested in healing herself. But I feel so much guilt because I know she's going to accuse me of abandoning her, accuse me of being cold and unfeeling. I've been there for her for years through every crisis and never felt like she was there for me the very few times I needed or wanted support.
How old is she? I have a friend who did something similar last year that I had to let go of. My mom was sick and I was going through a lot and didn't want to talk to anyone about it and this friend would not stop texting me and no matter how many times I assured her that it wasn't her, she kept doing it until I stopped responding all together. We're in our 40's and this is not acceptable. Maybe if we were teenagers but no.
We are also in our 40s and we've been friends since we were kids.
I don't know if it's just her anxious attachment or something else more nefarious - the day after my mom died, she sent me a text complaining about her mom. She had enough self-awareness to quickly apologize - but honestly, she literally forgot my mom just died! It's just so hard to know when to give up a friendship, but I feel so drained by it. And the guilt is real. I know the guilt isn't always rational but it is real. I'm sorry for what you went through. It's very confusing and heartbreaking.
@@___3988 I'm sorry about your mom. Mine died a few months ago and I'm broken.
Our situations sound very similar. My friend would call me complaining and upset about everything and honestly she was there for me a lot too. However, when I need space, I need space. It's not because I just don't feel like talking and even if it was that's still okay. But if I have to keep repeating myself, I'm going to get upset because you're putting yourself and your needs over mine because you can't control your anxiety. The worst part was, when I reappeared on social media after many months had passed to update people on why I was quiet and not responding to messages, she deleted me off social media immediately after I posted it. Imagine that? Sharing your pain from a death and they unfriend you? I was like cool. Looks like I made the right decision not speaking to her.
I've been cutting toxic people out a lot lately. The amount of crap I put up with and surrounded myself with over the years was so unhealthy. I'm not sad about this. I feel better. I'm sad about my mom. Not losing friendships that were draining.
@@___3988
My thought is :because she accuses you of stuff, it doesn’t mean she is right. She is NOT the judge and jury.
I think you perhaps can acknowledge her accusations for what they are, just claims and accusations. I’d be tempted to shrug and sincerely say, “I did my best”. and if necessary , walk away.
I just want to say thank you so much thasis, a year to a year and a half ago i found ur channel and found out that i was a fearful avoidant. I did not think that i can heal from it at all but i kept on binging allllllllllll of your videos whether its for FA, DA, AP, and secured, i watched them all and learned so much. I always saved every video in each respective attachment playlist as well. I even signed up for a membership and did some of the prompts! I can now say, im secure enough to recognize if someones putting in effort or not, healed alot of my wounds and probably still healing forever, and learned to communicate so much better! My ex just left me again for another guy but i saw that coming kind of because she was not matching my efforts at all no matter how much i communicated to the point where i was getting fed up. She was def a DA. Only thing was she pulled the plug before i could. Anyway thank you thasis for instilling me the knowledge to love myself and to recognized and set boundaries for my future relationships! I will keep on watching your videos on the daily!
You're an FA with self-awareness and a willingness to heal? Congratulations! You're extremely rare, literally one in a billion. Best of luck on your healing journey.
@rockerdare i was FA leaning AP and thank you!
@@nova12332This is pretty much me. I thought I was anxious but it turns out I lean strongly on AP but I have a lot of the triggers and wounds and needs of the FA. For example, I’m not the person to retreat or leave people easily, but I do need my own time and to not be suffocated. Also, discrepancies and inconsistencies send me off the wall!
That’s amazing progress! It takes a lot of effort and commitment to get to that place of self-love and recognition. Your journey is truly inspiring 💜
Does anyone ever feel like romantic relationships are just not for them? I was never that little girl who dreamed of marriage and as I went into relationships over the years, I generally came out in worse shape needing to heal from them. All except for the one secure guy I dated, but even in that one I felt indifferent. I decided I don't want romantic relationships anymore. They're not for me and I've tried. When I'm single, my mind is clear and I'm super focused on my life, kids and career. When I'm in a relationship it doesn't bring anything extra that I need. I don't need the validation or for anyone to take care of my emotions. I have plenty of friends where we nuture each other.
I have to break it off with my DA and don't know the right words. We've been friends for so many years that we always end up talking again which leads into another cycle and it's not doing anything for me anymore unfortunately. I wonder if I just need to put our friendship on pause for a couple of years so this can properly end. I've changed since my mom died last September. I need solitude.
You're not the only one. I've always felt smothered in serious relationships which is why I tend to enjoy more casual ones. I never feel more "fulfilled" either. I just enjoy my acquaintances, friends, and casual relationships in life. The rest is on me. 🤷🏿♂️
@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g I have always felt smothered too but it's the opposite with my DA. I just don't like being in relationships in general I think. I don't even want to casually date or anything. I like how I feel more when I'm single.
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope I think people are just built more differently than most would suggest. I've had two friends (a guy and a girl) ask me how I can be so happy in casual relationships. They both recently ended their and have been coming to the gym with me to "relieve their stress." The girl is working out with weights and the guy is doing Kickboxing with me, lol.
Gyms are great for breakups. I feel so much better dealing with stress all together at the gym. More people should try it. I have one right in the mall where my store is. I'm about to close up for an hour to work out some built up stuff. My brain won't stfu. Lol @@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope lol, that's so convenient! Yeah, I'd definitely use that gym. I used to work out and shower at the gym back when I was working for other people, lol.
I tell you a topic I'd like to see in a video. Avoidants come in two very different categories. One is people who are generally healthy, they can work and socialize, they enjoy life, but they have some avoidant behavior patterns. This is the group having romantic flings with the lovebomb-discard-rebound cycle. People don't stop to think that you need a certain baseline of physical energy for all this socializing. This group benefits from self-improvement coaching/therapy because they're already healthy. But there's another group of people with physical challenges --- neurochemical deficiencies, severe anxiety, etc. -- whose avoidance goes down deep.
Those of us in the second group cannot relate to the romantic fling cycle. We don't get a dopamine high from flirting. We don't lovebomb because we don't even know how to go about doing that. We barely have the energy to keep our bathroom clean, let alone go out on dates. We consistently score high on DA profiles, but the lovebomb-discard cycle is foreign to us. I'd like to see more resources on healing for this category.
Coach Adam Lane Smith talks about what he calls the "moral avoidant" on his channel. I love watching it because he doesn't demonize DAs the way other channels do.
@ i appreciate channels that don’t stereotype us. It’s frustrating when people accuse me of all this crazy immoral behavior.
@@WrittenMysteries most people who claim they're dating avoidants most likely are dating narcissists or people who have lost interest in them. Avoidant is the new label people are using these days.
@@WrittenMysteries I hear that. When people on here say I'm a liar and cheater because I'm a FA and like huh? I personally cannot stand people who cheat and liars will get you tossed out of my life asap. Even if it's a friend who lies and cheats on their partner, I will break a 20 year friendship over it. That's how much I despise it. So to be called those things is ridiculous.
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Copemy spouse and I lost a cousin after he dumped his wife and left her with a mortgage. the family initially promised to suupprt her, but in the end they all chose family blood over her. she disappeared and we never saw her again. no consequences for the cousin.
So very true. I stayed hoping that things would be better and that the work I was doing in the relationship and on myself would inspire my partner (at the time) to do the work on herself. Although it was painful for the breakup to happen (which I believe she chose to leave because the work was too much and she felt pressure to work on us and herself (which I admit I likely did unintentionally from previous videos)). Anyway I feel like I learned so much to become a better partner for that person who the best match for me and who is capable of that reciprocity that I wasn’t receiving previously.
It’s hard when the effort isn’t reciprocated, but it sounds like you’ve gained so much clarity for the future. That growth will undoubtedly benefit your next relationship.
When they tell you: you deserve better than me. I can’t make you happy. I can’t give you what you’re looking for. Etc
Those phrases can definitely be telling. It’s often a reflection of where they are emotionally-and a reminder to listen to the actions behind the words.
When my ex and I got back together after she dumped me, I could tell within a few days that she wouldn't change. I was the one actually living a lie at that point. Needless to say, she dumped me again.
That realization can be so tough, but it sounds like you learned a lot from the experience. Sometimes walking away is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Sounds like you have been given a gift. Don't waste it. Get a good friend for companionship and a dog for loyalty.
@ I bought a new truck, we never go anywhere without each other.
Thank you, Thais! 🙏🏻 Your content is so helpful! ♥️
So glad to hear it’s been resonating with you!
Avoidance will push you until you lose your temper. Once you lose your temper you are now the problem. When they break up with you they will start a fight. After 8 years of hoping it will get better,
I think it's time to cut my losses. She has left me so emotionally drained and hurt.
ever feel like you’re the one no one notices, no matter what you do? i’ve been there. i tried all the advice out there, but nothing stuck until i read Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki. the insights in chapter 3 blew my mind-it taught me how to let my energy do the talking before i even say a word.
Feeling invisible can be so disheartening. It’s great that you found something that helped shift your perspective and brought out a new kind of confidence
TROLL
God bless you.. Amazingly clearing our vision every time 💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
Thank you so much for the kind words 💜
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool I've been following your guidance in all relationship matters.. It really change my life, truly saved me from sabotaging my love life forever.. So thank you.
I know you probably get lots of inquires, but can you speak to "situationships"? I dated an avoidant, met online, was ghosted after deeply connected. We reconnected but i didnt pressure dating. I built a genuine connection and as we got closer feelings grew on both ends, we started cuddling. Then withdrawal from the avoidant, breadcrumbing. I confessed my feelings more directly and more distance, but we kept daily contact. I expressed my vulnerabllities and was told she wasnt sure about moving beyond friendship, then i was told she thought we were "just friends" after i got upset she had other interests and didnt tell me. I had to ask. She was going to keep stringing me along. I set a no contact boundary after saying i wanted more than friendship. We became really great friends. But the way we connected was deeper than friendship, thats why feelings grew from both us. Its like shes not acknowledging the feelings anymore and said she thought we tabled dating.
I see my lessons but this is confusing bc no clear boundaries were set, yet the emotional connection is being downplayed and it feels very invalidating and confusing. I feel like im abandoning my best friend i found over the course of over a year....
If it wasn’t for Thais I would have had frequent flyer miles in the closest psyche ward by now. I have been dealing with an ex wife who showed up back in my life after 12 years of being divorced. I see now that she is a hard core DA and I started out as a mild AA. You all know exactly how we ended up divorced.
Because I was “lucky” enough to come accross
Thais channel I have been able to give the act of reconciliation an honest attempt.
ever spent a week in a psych unit? it’s nothing to joke about.
@ Yes I have had the displeasure of spending several 72 hour holds in various psychiatric facilities due to my diagnosis of PTSD, Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Treatment Resistant Major Depression. Thank you for reminding me that those times were “no joke”.
Expressing needs
Such an entrepreneur girl!❤❤❤
Thank you, Thais, for sharing your knowledge with us. Your videos are SOOOO helpful! ❤❤❤
There's one thing that confuses me. My DA boyfriend says he used to be very clingy in his relationships when he was younger. Like an AP. He says he noticed that being clingy never went well and therefore decided to never be like that anymore. We've been going out for three years and I swear he behaves like a picture-book DA. He was abandoned by his parents as a child and definitley lacked emotional support, which made him becocme independent very early. Is it possible that he used to be an AP as a young adult but due to too much heartache, he became a DA?
Good video
I love your content and learn so much from you video and podcasts! Do you have a video that addresses how to determine the difference between core wound triggers vs. basic relationship needs not being met? I struggle and question myself consistently, is this me getting triggered because of my core wound or abandonment vs. this is something my partner SHOULD be doing because it’s a basic need for any healthy relationship to survive and it’s not a core wound, rather than a red flag. i.e I asked my husband to help me with cleaning out my deceased parents home because doing it alone was causing me a lot of mental anguish and wanted his support, but multiple weekends in a row he prioritized other things related to a social calendar and at one point even said my brother should be there to help. My head instantly goes to “he’s not going to be there for me when I need him for hard things” - I question is this a red flag or my core wound of abandonment getting triggered and it completely healthy to not want to or need to lean on him when things are hard. I could give more examples, but I think there is a consistent theme of me questioning myself if it’s a core wound I need to try to self soothe or am I just putting up with really poor behavior.
been there, feeling like no matter how hard i tried, i just didn’t stand out. then i picked up Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki, and honestly, it changed everything. chapter 3 opened my eyes to how energy works-it’s not about effort, it’s about alignment. people started noticing me in ways they never had before.
How do you know when to give up on an avoidant after they've left and are continuing to breadcrumb? I'm doing the work on myself, but they don't seem interested (or even believe they need) working on themselves?
I'm a healing avoidant. Don't wait around for a guy. Especially if you're healing and he's not.
@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope Right. I get it. But it's not just some guy, it's my husband of over 10 years.
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope But it's not just a guy, it's my husband of over 10 years.
@@meganquinn5747 I understand. But if he left and he's breadcrumbing while also not willing to work on it, I'm not sure what your options are. He at least needs to want to make it work.
I know I need to run but when things are good they are very good and I can’t seem to let go. I thought I had at one time when he disappeared for literally months as in 8-9 (I lost count) and guess who he drew back in? ME! Things were really different with us this time after the long time apart as in really good for 2 1/2 months. Then he said he needed space when I let him pursue me as of all days it was after we were together on New Year’s Day and he reached out to me last night so around 2 weeks and wants me back. I feel like such a fool but when things are great they are great between us in every way! We’ve had a thing for each other since we were 14 years old. Why am I having such a hard time? I did ask him last night if he would please just communicate more with me about things so they don’t get to same thing every time and he said yes he would. So we’ll see. I know I should just run but I just can’t. I’ve read so much about DA’s but any feedback would possibly help. Sorry this is so long.
Thank you for the great videos.
What's interesting is that I think we both really tried to give it our best shot, and it still didn't quite work. She broke up with me in the end.
It’s commendable that you both gave it your best. Sometimes even with effort, things don’t align-but that doesn’t take away the value of trying.
I have been trying for almost three years with my avoidant... We made some tiny, tiny steps forward but he backpedals immediately afterwards. I have decided to walk away numerous times, since there was no progress in sight and since I have been giving him second chances after second chances. However, he does not give up and keeps coming back, he refuses to let me go. I have set a deadline, he promises to change but fails me time after time. What should I do if he does not want to end the relationship although he simultaneously does not make any changes to make it work? Is it a lost cause? We are long distance, which makes it even more difficult... I am so exhausted to "work", relationships should not require so much effort...
I think you answered her first question, the most important she said.
They call it “boomerang” when they keep coming back.
Be ready to be done she said. Hard to take. Makes sense though.
Q: "When To Leave An Avoidant" A: The day you meet them
When to skip over Harry's comment:
Every time you see one
@@WrittenMysteries 😂😂😂
Hahaha 😂 seriously. @@WrittenMysteries
Boom!!! 👏🏾
Exactly ! 😂
You can't win with avoidant. You can't win with anxious. In short, you can't win with human :)
i was just like you, wondering why some people effortlessly draw attention while i felt invisible. nothing i tried seemed to work. then i came across Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki, and it completely shifted my perspective. the way chapter 3 explains energy and presence? it’s like unlocking the secret to being noticed.
Whats weird is no matter how many videos Thais makes i always learn and enjoy them, great channel to learn from! 💗💗💗🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻