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Emotional Gaslighting as Attachment Trauma
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- Опубликовано: 19 авг 2024
- Hello. Thanks for checking out my RUclips channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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Emotional Gaslighting as Attachment Trauma
In this video, I talk about how gaslighting is a tactic to disempower another person's reality. One example could be the phrase “that’s your perception.” It is so covert that it’s been disguised as some kind of acknowledgement of our perception when, actually, it is another dismissal.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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Emotional Gaslighting as Attachment Trauma
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RUclips. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RUclips. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
"fucks with your reality" yes thank you....
@@johnjohnson1681 Hits the nail on the head, doesn't he!
Thank you for this!!!☝️☝️☝️💖💖💖
Alan you need to write a book. I have never heard anyone explain attachment trauma with the sensitivity and knowledge that you have. Thank you
*nods* I have a Therapist friend Im going to share this with. Even if he knows this it will be great to share with people he sees.
Agreed. A book form of your knowledge and guidance would be an incredibly useful resource.
Yes!! Please do wrote a book that can help families build foundation for emotional capacities and to heal any wounds that arise or had been built up from childhoods or later. 🧘🌅 🥰
The book would be brilliant and very useful I would definitely read it.
Please please write all these videos in a book!
This is VERY refreshing! I was stuck in that "he's a narcissist" loop. Once I had a name for what was happening I threw up. I really thought I was crazy for so long, too long. My rational brain knew that I heard and experienced what I did, I was there, but another part of my brain was always questioning, "what if he is right and it didn't happen, he didn't say it, it didn't happen and I do twist things and make things up?" I ended up in therapy asking for help, I thought I had dementia, was damaged, negative, awful.
Then I learned what gaslighting was.
Then I got online and joined the angry mob of people who were victims of narcissist, and for a few minutes I felt better, well not better but validated.
Then it just got uglier because now I had good blame. lots of it.
Nothing happened, nothing got better, in fact it got worse because now I was really angry and vocal.
I didn't leave I just stayed and blamed.
I like how you try to help move people way from that spinning out place and into a place of power instead of a place of blame.
Taking baby steps to reclaim myself, shore "me" up get strong, make plans and create a better situation for myself.
Thank you
Thanks for sharing your experience!! I’ve had a similar enlightenment.🙏🏼🙏🏼
I think what he’s missing to tell us though is it’s the PTSD or the complex PTSD like what I have that keeps you in that anger I’m gonna share my voice state and it’s OK write a book throw it out there do whatever you need to finish your validation but meantime I agree with him you need to heal and not be stuck in that loop so that loop is important to get you to a certain point but you don’t wanna get stuck in it cause it’s no different than an abuse cycle just going over and over and over. I wish she would explain that more at least that’s how I feel it was for me you need validation then you can move on
Basically same here, at this point i dont give 2 flips what their problem is. Im focused on my own healing and freedom from here on out.
Don't worry about the colourful language... that is an absolutely fitting way to describe gaslighting. Thank you for your videos! Very insightful!
Thank you Tanja. I'm glad you found this video insightful. Please know you are invited to join us in the membership community where we explore and chat about ideas and topics like the ones covered on my videos. If you haven't already checked it out, please do www.alanrobarge.com/community/
Your empathy for all is so comforting.
Thats why they say empathy is highest form of intelligence!
You nailed it Alan , " emotionally ignored" breeds shame , so sad.
Oh wow that's so succinct. Exactly!!
You nailed emotionally ignored
Emotionally ignored- breeds shame! Wow.
TY.
A gaslighter changes the color of someone eles's true reality in order to benefit the gaslighter's own life.
Yes they do. Happens in groups as well. And at the end of the day almost everyone does that.
Or to entertain themselves.
Yes! That’s why it’s done. Your life ruined to allow their success. Topsey- Turvey thinking. Total projection.
This is truly a healing video for both the victim and abuser to understand the dynamics of gaslighting to heal deep wounds.
It is also good for new parents that were abused to no end and while they may not have the mental illness they have the auto response to shut down emotions.
I have three babies and it is an everyday struggle to cater to their actual reality and I have just come to terms that my own mother was a covert narcissist and it has opened my eyes to my own abusing in this way.
Excellent description of gas lighting - loved how you looked at the non-deliberate aspects of parental gas lighting - basically emotional suppression. It's helped me understand why I struggled to feel anything most of my life and then why I went on to accept such overt and crazy making gaslighting within a narcissistic relationship. Thanks so much for these videos they're helping me through a tough time.
This needs to be spread far and wide. Especially in mass media.
agree. It is appropriate.
Mass media is there for the purpose of controlling the masses. The last thing they want is for people to wake up.
Agree. It doesn't matter how it gets out there. Once it's out there it will go into the subconscious and then become the norm to talk about this stuff. That's the only way things are going to change .
And in the schools.
If you believe media is for sharing how to have mental health, you are in their bubble.
i can attest to what happens to the child when the parents deny the child's emotional reality: it makes you crazy! it's especially bad when the child has an actual mental illness (depression in my case) and the parent insists they don't! so on top of the distortions of depression, i also had to (and still have to) deal with the mistrust of my own thoughts and feelings that i got from the parental gaslighting. anyway, i appreciate this video. thank you.
This was the most sensitive, kind look at my family structure. I know they didn’t hate me they just had no skills to deal with me. Other therapist made them sound so maniacal but they were only uneducated and grew up in a similar vacuum to the one created for me.
Thanks. Im on the road to forgiveness.❤️
flip1980ful 🤗❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thanks, my experience too - different generations, often unaware and hurt themselves with no support or acess to skill/education. Very sad in my family - helpless people doing the best they could with the hand they were dealt.....
You aren’t something to be dealt with you’re a human and your feelings are valid
Please, use the “colorful” language. It makes it more relatable to me. I like your approach. Very helpful. Thank you.
Why I now subscribe
Unfortunately, he is aware that some people will possibly get offended and won't listen any further if there is "salty" language (religious beliefs or taught) especially if they truly need to hear this message!
Your a genius in your teachings. You are spot on when you state Gaslighting FUCKS with your Reality. In my experience, it provokes RAGE and Anger as well. Especially after decades of dealing with it, and seeing it used on your own children. Keep up the great, great, great teachings and videos. Awesome job sir.
My mother raised me in gaslighting and after years of one therapist and months of another - she STILL gaslights. Even after YEARS of me giving her multiple examples.
My ex use to say...Who are you going to believe, me, or your lyin eyes?...epitome of gaslighting.
My ex, when challenged about what I now know was gas lighting would simply say "why would I make that up?" As if that was a real answer!
Mine would say, you don't remember that,?? Must be your Alzheimer's kicking in
My ex husband was too. He would skew my reality, pathological liar and I felt like a door mat. He would say I am crazy, that I don't remember what happened. I had a partner who was like that after, I learned exactly what this is. I can't stand these.
lol my ex would gaslight me then accuse ME of doing the gaslighting. Absolute non-sense.
Omg my boyfriend has said all those in this comment section
A man who knows his stuff and is freeing people like me by the masses! THANK YOU IS NOT ENOUGH, THIS IS INCREDIBLY HELPFUL ALAN!!!!
Thank you. I spent my childhood in my bedroom, no friends to visit or come over. I wasn't a good enough child to have that. I was aloud to go school but keeping friends was hard because I couldn't talk on the phone or spend time outside of school. I ate dinner at the table and did loads of house work and was often called out of my room to make drinks for my parents or popcorn. They still called me lazy and told everyone they knew I was a horrible person. I didn't speak unless asked a question and never ever stood up for myself, that made things even worse. Your video has opened me to understanding why. Something I've been struggling with all my life. I can't wait to watch more of your videos. Thank you again.
D Rempel me too. Literally everything you said. 😔
Same here. I have 3 siblings & I’m the only parentified child. My parents are highly narcissistic & began molding me into a parentified child when I was 8, when my first younger sister was born. Even before that, I was extremely ignored by my parents & the whole extended family. For as early as I could remember, I was often left alone at home & they didn’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Then, my younger sisters were born & my life were just years of doing housework & taking care of my younger sisters because my mother didn’t want to be responsible for her maternal responsibility. Yet, my parents called me the lazy one. Unbelievable how similar our experiences are! Those ignoring, narcissistic parents/ family members are no good for you. The only way to heal is to go no contact.
That is truly horrendous and I send love to that little child part of you, in that bedroom.
💖🦋 I am sorry you experienced that.
Whoa, this is what I experienced too! No friends over, nothing but school/housework/church...never allowed to go out as a teen, she'd hang up on my friends if they called. My mom would make busy work so I would 'have' to stay home and complete it.
My story is alot like yours I'm 34 I never worked IAM depressed level 10 daily how do I heal? How do u get on?
This is hands down one of the best descriptions of what happened to me, and what that did to me, and what I am trying to break free from so that I can finally have a healthy relationship in my life. God bless you for explaining this!!!
True story!
I stumbled upon this video by serendipitous divine intervention. Thank you for being so real, so warm so funny and so kind. This was a great explanation about an issue I've struggled with for years, and it helped me know that things really can be ok. I loved your approach of focusing on understanding ourselves better, instead of finding ways to prove someone else is miserable. I feel like I just got a great big hug along with some enlightenment. Plus I love a well placed pop of color in language and any discussion of macaroni and cheese. Please keep continuing to do what you do. ❤️ you made my day.
Finally! A video that isn't about bashing someone who is gaslighting. Some people do this sometimes unintentionally because of other deep seeded issues. My husband does this only when he slips into his addictions, but it doesn't make him a bad person. He has a struggle that not all people have, and others have different struggles. I choose to gently nudge with love and boundaries to help him come out of this behavior that he honestly doesn't want to have. Great video!
I dated a dismissive avoidant for three years. Felt like God sent him to me/my soul mate junk so I stuck it out. He was non-communicative and extremely emotionally unavailable. If he upset me he would disappear and stonewall for days to months. If I tried to talk to him about my feelings he would tell me I “can’t remember true facts”, I was “never actually listening”, even though he never said anything, and that he “told me that several times already” when he never did. It made me suicidal!! I tried EVERYTHING to fix him! Finally left him thanks to Alan and his helpful videos. You can not fix anyone
This so accurately and clearly describes my experience growing up. I can’t express what this message does for me. It kind of blows me away to discover that my feelings and confusions were/are valid, have an understandable, explainable basis. What a phenomenal insight so carefully and brilliantly delivered. I wish I had a hard copy of this.
I love your explanation! My husband, whose father abandoned his family when he was fifteen, describes himself as "the happiest guy in the world." I could not understand that at all. What you are saying about men, totally makes sense. He has 2 emotions: happy and angry. People told me to say, make an "I feel..." statement to him so he understands how you feel, but this would make him veeeery angry. I just could not understand why this was such an trigger to make him angry. What you are saying explains it!
My bf is similar. He has lot of issues, so eventually I went to councelling who suggested me to start saying 'I feel, I think, I don't agree' and my bf started blaming me being selfish and ignorant etc. Even tho the topics were about my personal life, so he got angry at me if I didn't agree with him what he thought I should do with my life. He wanted to live my life for me.
really good and easy explained. Because of this I developed Depersonalization Disorder. I'm on the pathway to recover from my emotional abuse as a child and try to gain a strong sense of self that I was never allowed to have in childhood. By this I'm also trying to get rid of Depersonalization. lots of love
neele Vo Good luck! The same thing happened to me. I had depersonalization even as a kid from being told to ‘rise above’ my emotions and that they’re not real- I slowly got rid of it recently.
"They are gaslighting themselves".... very interesting point Mr. Robarge! I remember how my ex would always say he's not angry when clearly he was.... or say "I'm a man!" When he was acting very immature.... its like he would say the opposite of what was actually going on as if I could not see what was going on.... gaslighting himself & me at the same time!
I don’t know if you have children but if you do they are very fortunate to have you as their father.
That is the best explanation ever. The effects of being gaslit or emotionally ignored eventually leads to the victim using the same patterns with loved ones to assert their own reality.
Thank you Alan - I know exactly who grew up like this, gaslit since childhood.... by his parents - who are still doing it and still stuck there. Their entire family is disconnected and silent. They talk about the weather and travels - always superficial stuff. They are incapable of talking of ANYTHING that involves even a hint of emotion.
Their idea of family time is sit in front of the tv watching some documentary that the dad picked, while mom is cooking in kitchen and son and dad each have a laptop in lap in mostly silence.
It’s okay to talk about wine, and boast about sons’s many career achievements and dad repeating how proud of son he is.
Never bring up politics, money, religion, spirituality, history, opinions.... NO, no no no.... you will be shut down.
I now get why my ex-narc felt betrayed by me when I got very emotional 😭 when my purse was stolen. He was trained to never acknowledge or recognize emotions. He runs from them.
Acknowledging weakness, sadness, lack of motivation- is disgusting. We don’t do that here. Deny feelings.
Dad grew up with alcoholic dad until about age 10-12.... perhaps why he was taught to never feel feelings and never admit anything bad in life.
Sounds like my ex's family. It was like there was an invisible sign at the door: no feelings please!
A man I've been dating recently told me that I'm "difficult to get along with and only talk about myself". I've never, ever been told this and I'm 44 years old. I have conferred with close friends and a couple exes who disagreed with that characterization. People who are insecure and defensive with a fragile identity definitely like to project!
This man was severely abused physically and emotionally and had a stuttering problem and has 75% psoriasis all over his body. There's a lot of anger there and I simply won't subject myself to his angry projections.
We are no longer dating.
This is exactly what my my therapist is helping me through!
It's this intergenerational pattern in my family, being afraid that if you feel difficult emotions they will drown you, and that there's no point to feeling them anyway, and the best thing you can do is look on the bright side and be happy again. My dad was teaching me to be human in the only way he knew. He was doing his best.
AND it's taking a long time to heal from his best. It took me two years of therapy before I was able to get emotional in front of my therapist. Being unemotional kept people safe in my family for generations. It's happening though... I'm learning to trust and I'm experiencing this emotionally safe connection which is amazing. It's just happening... slowly.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading my diary (*double checks to make sure I'm posting this on my other account not under my full name) and thank you for this video and I hope you're having a great day.
Enormous help to me! It make me understand that my parents are not "evil" just in denial of their own feelings and didn't have the tools to mirror us in our feelings.
The damage is there in us all but I made my mind up to heal whatever the cost. The pain, shame, grieve, anger from waking up/coming out of the fog, living like a human shell, parallel next to people not in contact with them, is so much more acceptable than the emptiness, longing for what I guess is a relationship with myself. No wonder people with attachment trauma suffer!
Thank you for another great video!
Yeah, it was like that all throughout my marriage. So much anxiety built up from the confusion.
OMG... this is my family exactly!! True, there has been lots of generational trauma and I don't blame them, but it feels so good to finally be validated!! Thank you so much for your amazing videos, Alan!! It's taken me years to figure this out and you explain it so perfectly!!! Almost 39 and I can finally be free and not feel like I am the crazy one living in a family that refuses to feel emotions and I, as the empath, feel them for everyone. The last week has been both so happy and profoundly sad - letting our years and years of suppressed grief and sadness that's been seeping it slowly overtime, but I am finally ready to get to the core of it, and see my family for what it is - real, scarred humans with their wonderful qualities and their unconscious faults. Very very grateful for your amazing presence, energy, knowledge, guidance, nurturing and solution-driven content!!! Thank you for all you do!!! You are helping more people than you know!!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You have no idea how helpful this is to me & i'm sure so many other people struggling to make sense of what's gone wrong in their lives. Again, Thank you.
Alan thank you for sharing this! You have absolutely hit the bulls eye on the issue of my emptiness all these years with my parents. I have always felt that VOID. I never knew what kind of void it was until last year when I plunged straight into depression and seek professional help and reading. Your video has deepened my knowledge on emotional deprivation and I really appreciate you doing this. Every minute was worth it. xx
God Bless You ! Thank you for the best gift you just gave me , in few days I'll turn 61 and now I got it to my head so clear what I am going to do for my own health and life , I am escaping the narcissist mothers abuse to this day she is exactly how explain now it's up to me to take actions way late but I will with no guilt ! 🙏🏽💜
My ex was denying there was something wrong when I identified our disconnection. After our break up I was initially angry about that, but now can see that he was avoiding feeling the pain and also avoiding delivering pain.
Helped me understand myself and recognise where I have hurt others . Glad to recognise so can change
Wow. This makes it so clear what's been happening in my relationships. Thank you Alan, for all the love.
How about saying it literally deforms the child's brain for life.
The brain is neuroplastic, meaning it can be re-programmed.🙏🏼
@@LGAdkins it's a double edged sword
@@LGAdkins Ya, that's what my malicious, intentionally life destroying gang stalkers meant, when they went overt, and had their proxies falsely accuse me of renting a movie (I had never previously heard of) called "Tim Allen Re-wires America" (for fraudulent profit at my expense, as has become my "new normal").
That’s too bleak. But until the child gets a grip on the dynamic, the child is highly likely to end up in relationships where the other person is also a gaslighter, because it feels like “home.” Once you see the gaslighting, you can’t unsee it. Yet that doesn’t mean you know how to have a decent relationship, that still take effort to understand and uphold your end of the relationship.
@BigTurqouise Pencil Ya, I use my real name, don't hide, and don't troll for others to abuse into an unnaturally early grave.
Thank you for explaining the psychological root of gaslighting. This has helped me greatly understand some ppl in my life. Unfortunately the folks I know have not come to terms with the fact that they even gaslight at all, which makes it impossible to have any form of reciprocal friendship/relationship with them. They feel victimized when we call out their denial of our realities, their incongruities, and lack of mirroring. It's crazy-making! But I guess everyone grows at their own pace.
💯💯💯👏👏👏
This video is gold and extremely relevant. I believe that the babyboomer generation is rife with this gaslighting behavior with their children.
I remember going to therapy for the first time in my 20s and i genuinely didnt know what emotions were. I said, 'Whats that????'' Riddled in 8 panic attacks a day, my family would say im making it up. A wonder i survived it.
Today im such a fantastic mother validating my daughters feelings. I thank my parents for that.
And yes it was FUCKED UP. Not only a mother but 2 brothers all behaving this way, and ignoring me. My father would work all hours and then defend his peace when he did appear. Rules rules rules galore. I love the work im doing on validating my own feelings, now im in learning of keeping that up for healthier relationships i choose to be involved in. Especially my very close relationship with my 9 year old daughter.
Hi Alan, you have done such a good job explaining my life. I am in tears now as I type, feeling both the victim and the perpetrator. It's all a bit much really,
Wow. I love it how you don’t try to simplify the effect of gaslighting. Gaslighting in itself is already pretty hard to define and deal with, the effect of it on children is even more dynamic and complex. Thank you for this video!!!!
"I'm sad."
"Do you want macaroni and cheese?"
"What?!" No.
Yes... That's as good as it gets (thanx mom)
Wow. This truly helped me so much. I've been putting on with my mom because I know she can never comfort me in my times of need for emotional support.
This is brilliant! Thank you for a video that facilitates healing, rather than perpetuating resentment and anger. So refreshing! You articulate this so clearly , and it was very eye-opening for me.Thank you so much!
Wow, that was a very interesting and eye opening video. Never heard such a complex, important, and core concept put into such clear, encompassing, and thorough terms. Thank you for that! This explains much of my sense of being in the twilight zone both in my childhood and in my adult relationships, and even more importantly in my relating to what I'm feeling at times. It makes total sense to me now as if you put all of these parts together in a way that I can finally see the whole picture. Thank you Mr. Robarge for this work! Rick S.
Unfortunately, my Mom often engaged herself by being very cruel, thinking it was entertaining to make fun of some of her kids who had needs, while she idolized the others, then pinning them against each other. She was frightening. The ones that needed her she was hardest on. Idolizing the ones who needed nothing from her. None of it worked.
This is so spot on. I have struggled to describe what I experience. You have fully described my experiences. My eyes are so open. Thank you.
I only have one comment: THANK YOU, ALAN! You are opening my eyes, my mind and my emotions to all these habituated behaviors and making me realize how they have shaped this self-questioning habit when I get in a relationship, and negative emotions or conflict emerge. THANK YOU SO MUCH!
My mom's default response to whenever we kids were upset about something was: "STOP crying! Or I'll give you something to cry about." She never acknowledged our sadness, frustrations or disappointments-. It made her angry that we were experiencing these emotions in the first place. And sweeping under the rug, the fact that a neighbor sexually molested me several times, was devastating. The molester threatened to kill me if I told anyone and gave me every detail how he was going to do it. I was frightened, confused, lonely, I felt shame and all she said to me was to not 'go over to their house anymore'. I felt like I had been completely abandoned and that I was completely responsible for my survival.
OMG... please continue to teach us.
As someone who has experienced this as a child and has had time to process some of this and learn and grow, I appreciate your approach here. Some therapists will validate your feelings by fueling your anger towards the people that have hurt you. Most people are missing the point that these people are hurt themselves and need help themselves, not a bunch of fingers pointed at them for being a terrible person. There are no terrible people, only people who need to heal. Thank you for this.
Holy Frickin Schmoly! I have been running in circles, scratching my head for the last 3 years. Bam! When I came across your video, while playing detective for my self, your words made me cry! I see it and I recognize so much! The pattern deepened, and new details appeared from my past. Now I see the past in connection to the here and NOW! Now I know why I feel like I’ve had the life ( what little was left) sucked out, and zapped. Now I feel empty, all the while when it started to happen. Thank you! Now I will protect myself and listen to my instincts….. again…. Try again. They come in so many different versions and wear so many different costumes. They can fool others’, but your own body knows that feeling of something being “off”.
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This is genius! I agree people stay way too long in how the other person is behaving. It's bitterness.
Thanks for valuing my content and letting me know how impactful it is for you. I am glad to hear you get benefit from my work. Please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a contribution and/or joining us in the community. Supporting content creation makes it possible for future high quality content to be added to my channel. Or you can also check out joining us in the community and getting in on our great conversations. Thanks again for letting me know the videos are helpful. Here are the URL's to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/donate and for the community Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community
How can someone explain a whole persons experience from childhood to adult relationship so accurately. Really comforting when feeling a bit confused by trauma triggers. Thank you Alan!
The clearest, most complete and insightful explanation I have ever heard. It was really, really helpful; thank you!
Thank you for your message which is always comforting and encouraging. I was emotionally neglected and gaslighted by my parents but have learned to embrace my feelings. It's a work in progress!
Finally an intelligent/competent in the subject matter/ sensitive/ passionate person on you tube
The f word it's a perfect description when someone is gas-lighting you and playing with your mind
Yes
Thanks... a well balanced none blaming view of 'gas-lighting' ... A form of emotional neglect or manipulation, even be it some form of defence, that is felt, imprinted, and absorbed and passed from one generation to the next. Hopefully young people become aware so these problems passed down family lines can be at last held openly in ones hands and viewed, understood, healed and then finally put to rest. Love your non judgemental approach together with solutions. Regards D
Thats why I'm here. To break the cycle. I am 33, newly married, and we want to have kids soon. My great-grandfather was an abusive narc. My grandfather was an abusive narc, rapist, and molester. My mother was an abusive "queen" type borderline. I want to break the cycle. I have known my entire life I am extremely messed up, but I'm an internalizer, so I'm realtively successful and high-functioning. I don't want to resent my children. I don't want to mess them up. I have to understand myself and fix this, get a grip on it, so I don't hurt them. I had to manage my mother, keep her happy, walk on eggshells. Agree with her abusive, self-serving, neglectful sense of reality despite the fact that it filled me with rage to do so all the time. I hated her so much. I am so afraid of resenting my children....I still fill like I have to take care of everyone and everything.....I don't want to neglect them or resent them for the fact that they need me. I'm really scared.
This is hands down the most amazing description of the dynamic of attachment trauma! Allan should write a book.
Something just clicked. I have a great therapist but the way you talked about this-hit me. My husband believes when a woman cries it is a form of manipulation and it enrages him. I have told him with kindness that I cry to emote. Period. That is the gaslighting of his own feelings. I can see things from a new perspective.
Second time watching this one. Finally, an explanation to what's been happening, a good explanation, ty! So so helpful, I'm going to watch it again.
very well done video, I too am exhausted by anger being expressed at parents abuse and neglect, the monster parent was created by parental abuse as well. this video helped me to recognize the less obvious abuse we experienced as children and the confusion it creates. It really fucked with my reality and my idea of a relationship was what I saw my mother do, so all my relationships were unhealthy. Now I am faced with caring for my abuser as she is approaching age 80. She is still doing the same hurtful abusive things. She is incapable of feeling anything for me, I know she is in my life now because she needs me to take care of her, I feel more like an indentured servant than a daughter. Sometimes I feel that this has ruled my entire life from birth to the grave, alienated me from all other family member and set me up for a lonely life. all part of some sick game. It is very hard to bring her back into my life. However educating myself with information like this video is a huge help. thanks for your clear understanding.
Oh my gosh, the video was recommended to me today (by RUclips), just when I needed it in order to understand why I was so hurt and offended when I told my mate that I felt lonely and sad and he continued to read a website after muttering, "you do?" I finally had a conversation with him this morning about it and I understand the process and why his response triggered such pain and rage. I also understand him more and am reminded that he too was gaslighted by his father and sometimes his mother. Thank God I didn't say anything then. I just left the house. lol
Thank you for this video! I'm going to try to have him watch it too.
Wow! I'm with Anne. You definitely should write a book. This was a very good explanation of some things that just didn't make a lot of sense from my childhood. I basically learned that anytime something was important to me but required effort on the part of anyone in my family, the answer was going to be no. Always just no. So when my needs never got met in my marriage...well that was just the way life is...right? Thanks for making your video with so much thoughtful effort. I learned a lot today.
Man, the way you pull things together for us, “emotionally ignoring” as softer way to define gaslighting. Such a better way to make us see. Every time I think Ive watched one of your best videos, I see another one’s that got even better stuff in it. And I enjoyed watching you get excited talking about when people figure out how to emotionally connect, (when they wake up). We can see how true the information is bt watching you on video. That powerful. My third edit because what you said about the macaroni and cheese at the end I wanted to jump up and scream I’m telling you that is exactly the way it goes. This is my number two favorite video that I’ve watched so far.
It is uncomfortable looking in the mirror. It made me glad to see a video finally with all the perspectives. I am not the child of a narcissist. I am the child of a father that was not capable of allowing me to show emotion. My mother died and I couldn’t even mention her let alone my grief or the guilt I feel smiling because inside I am not. I have a sister four years older, but she too was being trained to hold it in.
absolutely fascinating...I'm having all types of light bulbs go off!! wow... needless to say I absolutely relate... I definitely see this in my childhood and then I went to a 26-year marriage which was actually pretty healthy and now I am in much pain with somebody who does gaslight and that's how I found out about all of this... one of the things that it is causing me to question was that my "healthy" marriage was very good for me emotionally but I wonder if I did not do this to my ex... and if I did I am so so sad...
Terry K. Harrigan :
I want to commend the bravery I see in your comment. I am so sorry now. I didn't really see it/didn't want to. But I'm sure of it now and it makes me sad.
I am afraid it is true that I am guilty of emotional gaslighting while simultaneously pointing out the overt emotional gaslighting of another. We may have different childhoods, me and this other person, but we also have some notable similarities. Hopefully we can both get it together and heal enough trauma not to become "two ships in the night". We began our journey nearly a year ago as kind of like partners in healing. Fed up and just over the pain of a string of long-term failed and super unhealthy relationships.
Seeing it from this video also helps me heal in not seeing my dear friend as black/white - all or nothing - something I have asked my dear friend not to do with me. We both have moments of poor perception. I've had this horrible nagging feeling - IS he like the (diagnosed) super abusive sociopath I was with... that gaslit/gaslight(ed?) me on purpose, to make me feel/seem crazy? To sabotage my life for fun? My friend most certainly isn't. But what then?.........ooooooooooh.
Love. It does open you up. Between my friend and Alen Robarge I don't think I'd have ever come this far. This is the first and only way I've been able to face these things. It's been difficult. But I hurt less all the time.
No More Shame. No More Fear. No More Dread #AndrewJacksonJihad The guy in this band gets it.
Amanda Caserta Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and write all of that... going through all this I am so deeply grateful when I find somebody to connect with who actually understands any of it. as you have I have been feeling all of this but have not been able to put my finger on exactly what has been happening until I came across Alan's info. And the fact that you find yourself actively searching and researching something like gaslighting tells the tale.
Have you read the book called "In comfort of Mary" by Bethany Ford its on Amazon and when you look it up always put the authors name in as well as the title of the book and its now on RUclips now and you can read chapter one on RUclips now and it's all about healing and how to move on with your life after physical, emotional, neglect, mental, sexual, verbal abuse. Bethany had to choose her children over her mother and her mother thought Bethany would pick her but she was wrong and she didn't even understand why Bethany picked her children over her mother and her mother was nasty and cruel wishing Bethany and her children dead.
Thank you so much for this video. Personally, it's the most useful and resonant description of my experience of life- my parents, sisters, friends etc. I get it. I neded this. I am grateful and relieved to hear it. Thank you.
Hi Alan.I have only recently become familiar with this term gas lighting, i then started to research this to understand the dynamics in my own relationship. While exploring different videos i found it quite distressing the way people are labelled, the run for you life type of advice, and not much in-between. I found it disturbing. Im not saying those people don't exist but i found it all very extreme.
I really want to thank you for your approach, i felt so much compassion coming from you, it was such a relief from the judgment tone :) It made so much total sense, and has opened me up to more awareness of my own childhood experience of this phenomenon and how i am possibly contributing unconsciously to this in my own relationship . Wonderful insight.
Thank you
My friend, who’s had years of counselling has just enlightened me that I’m being ‘gas lighted’ in my relationship!
I have felt myself change a lot over 4 years thinking it was ‘me’ that wasn’t good enough!
The constant put downs about my skills as a housewife, mother, partner! Apparently I’m over sensitive if I dare retaliate! Iv learnt to shut up to avoid the hurt that comes when he distances himself emotionally if I challenge him!
Tonight, after a day of criticism about just about everything, I asked him why he felt the need to constantly put me down all the time. His reaction was to sulk, tell me I’m sensitive, wouldn’t come near me to talk and has gone to bed! Now he’s the victim and I’m the problem!
I’m ‘too soft on my kids, a mug and pushover to my friends, hypersensitive, slob, lazy... etc etc’!!
Iv booked a holiday abroad for my children and his, paid for by myself! Iv sorted his children’s passports and all he has done is moan and blame me that he will be skint next month cause he has to find spending money!
It’s emotionally draining and I’m constantly questioning myself!!
What a dilemma 🤦🏽♀️
@@edwinaosborne5359 my same experience
Great video! Really put a lot into perspective for me about my husband and my MIL. She was (is) very self deprecating especially when her son and I first got married. She chose to completely ignore our happiness or any emotion of discontent we had with her about ignoring our relationship as if it never happened. She would always change the subject or play coy about things she has said that were hurtful. Couldn’t take responsibility for what she done or said but would apologize for being a terrible mother (she was/is not). She knows she wasn’t and was using it as a way to seek attention and affirmation to validate herself and opinions and in a sense say things like “well if I wasn’t a bad mom, why would you go against my opinion, do you not trust me?” Over and over again I obviously saw the pattern. Now that my husband and I have children I notice him do these things that you explain. He shames our sons for having emotions (6 and 8yrs old) it always bothers me and I stand up for the kids and try to warn my husband that things like this have LASTING effect on the children. It’s hard to get through to him because this is how he was brought up, his mother also kept their family very isolated from other family members. I will definitely be showing him this video and I will be binge watching your channel now! Thank you!
I so appreciate AND honor the wisdom you offer, your courage to name it and share complex emotional concepts, ,your humanity, and your time. Deep gratitude!!!
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my work and efforts. Glad it is of benefit for you.
I am often inspired from our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Deep, rich, insights are shared. I welcome you joining us. Learn more here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Man. You are the only psychologist in RUclips that seems to get it. I feel like you are describing my childhood experiences and it helps me to join together all the thoughts and feelings I've always had about it. Having someone that "gets it" makes me feel better.
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for sharing this content speaks to you. Glad it brings benefit.
Since the videos are helpful you may also like the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
This was very helpful. & I appreciate your being sensitive to not using offensive language. It may not bother some, but it does bother others.
I really like the way you explain deeply complex emotional stuff. You deconstruct in a way that is easy to grasp. I've had so many revelations from listening to you, I'm learning so much about myself and all my relationships and why I've struggled and been confused. Thank you so much!
I love your work brother, never heard it so crystal clear
Thank you for this. I hate videos that are all about blaming. I want to understand me and not blame the other person.
This is great! So true sometimes we don’t know we are doing this. Because no one teach us this growing up. So we react in ways we do not understand.
Martha,Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I am that child, Unfortunately
I wish I had therapists like you, but I didn't know any that could analyse it this way
Gracie Ambrósio im that child too. and theres another element. i was bullied extremely bad as a child as well.
Literally me
Very good! That, too is gaslighting.
That's right. Yes. They do not want to feel their own sadness and deny the reality of the child. RIGHT, THEY DON'T EVEN REGISTER THE SAD EXPRESSION OF THE CHILD and don't say anything. You are great!! You nailed it! Very good.
RIGHT. All in the same reality!!! Yes Yes Yes!!!! That is the video I needed right now! Alan, thanks a lot. You explain it very good.
I don't have this problem but I sure am glad that I watched this video. I truly believe that my ex-boyfriend wasn't allowed to feel his feelings, as a child. As a result, I think it freaked him out that he met someone who cared about how he felt, so that caused him to push me out of his life, downplay the wonderful relationship that we had, and refuse to acknowledge my feelings. It makes me sad to hear this information because I know that the only way I could ever be with him is if he gets help and I don't know if he ever will. But at least I understand.
This is truly getting to the bottom of things.
Alan Robarge, you take great steps in spelling it out...and it truly is necessary
to unravel the confusion.
This work is very much about diving in deep and taking responsibility and with such compassion!
Oh my, I had never heard of the self-gaslight idea explained so well.....
It makes sense that those of us 'trained' or conditioned or programmed in families where it really was not safe or okay to feel
all emotions, attract people who gaslight us in huge and destructive ways.
Awareness is everything. Loving ourselves as we allow ourselves to reclaim the expression of all of our God-given emotions is so needed.
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One of my more favorite videos, surprised I didn't see it sooner. You mentioned emotional shutdown when a child tries to share their feelings. It comes in many flavors. The song 'You've Got A Friend' by James Taylor made me cry. Felt there was a friend in my home. My tears were met with laughter. I knew something was wrong with it all at about 5 yo. Another part that I would like expounded on is how when a person finally meets someone who genuinely treats them with empathy and care, they behave in a number of ways, sometimes they run. Thank you.
I see you were engaged with the content by what you wrote. Emotional shutdown is painful especially for a child. Many of us experience anxiety around emotional closeness, intimacy and vulnerability. We have different ways we show up during the distress. You may want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Thanks for your comment.
Check out the quiz:
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
This is Jennifer Sinclair. This video is the best video on the entire World Wide Web. This therapist deserves an award for this. Whatever the Nobel Peace Prize is for therapists. My God, my God, my God. OK. Goodnight.
Thank you, Alan. This video has helped me to see a clear picture of my life.
This is the best explanation of gaslighting I have seen. You actually explained the particular way it has been used against me
This video is a must-watch. You articulate on this topic so well. I honestly appreciate all your videos. I feel completely mindfucked. I am currently in a job where my coworker is doing it to me and then telling me I am too sensitive. The boss just says thats just the way she is, excusing her behavior. I have been crying a lot today because I do not want to go back to work, I literally feel sick to my stomach. I notice this happens a lot in workplaces because everything is about profit, feelings are not welcome. I have heard people say this is not a therapy office, this is a workplace; work is work. It just reinforces this pattern of emotionally shutting down and passing it on.
I pray when you are ready and able that you find a healthier work environment!
Your video brought me balance in my understanding of the dynamics of my emotional disconnect. Thank you.
I love this video! It's taught me, above all, to have compassion for myself and others.
Yes, very painful topic. Thank you Alan for all of your great videos. wow, so much great information.
Thank you Inez. Glad this one resonates with you. Have you seen that I am launching a new community membership website with secret Facebook group for members to dialogue about these ideas with others? If this interests you, there are a few videos about it as well as info on my website. Thanks for watching the video.
Excellent video, Can you do a video for the sort of boundaries that need to be put in place when a person is emotionally unavailable(gaslighting your experience)?
This helps me understand my whole childhood with my mother. Thank you.
Glad this is helpful. You're welcome.
For more content like this, you may like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This is Jennifer Sinclair. This is the story of my mother's life raising us. Ignoring our emotional needs and staying shallow and gaslighting to avoid all pain. And she doesn't understand why I want her to come clean. And we do not talk anymore except in the company of a therapist. I told her I need a therapist with us any time I am in her presence.
The macaroni and cheese example hits the nail right on the head. That's my mother.
YT just recommended your channel to me for the first time 45 minutes ago, and I couldn’t be more grateful they did, because the topics you discuss are all resonating so deeply for me. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing your knowledge and insight.
Liz, Glad you found my material helpful. Welcome.
I, like many others have just stumbled across this on RUclips - and like everyone else...am grateful that I did. It certainly gives a lot of insight into why I am the way that I am. But also that there is definite hope with more understanding . Just reading everyone's responses and the positive nature of them is a testament to you and your insight/knowledge.
I appreciate the encouraging comment. I liked when you said, "there is definite hope with more understanding." Very true. Awareness opens us up to options. Good for you for searching to learn more about yourself.