I'm here to help you understand what's really going on in your divorce, heal the emotional wounds and move on, move forward and into new, healthier relationships, with confidence. With this channel I hope to give you some tools and information to help you get started. We can take this work so much deeper with one on one coaching. I offer completely personalized, 12 week coaching programs designed for you, to achieve your goals. Book a call with me to learn more: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy
90% of these comments would be solved with divorce, no contact order, and man gets 100%. All these men have abusive exes who abuse their children to try to punish/control the father. Kids need to be protected from women like that, so dad should get 100% custody. And instead of talk therapy take kids fishing or to the ocean or ball games. Men don't need to talk our feelings out like women do.
Thank you. This explains what I’ve been going through during 3 years of divorce. I’ve been demonised despite being a good guy and a good father. It’s really taken it’s toll.
The solution is for yall to have 100% custody. If the father abused the mother he'd immediately lose any custody. Should be the same, in your case and most of these comments the mother/ex-wife is,an abuser. Courts should recognize that and protect the children and ex husband.
It's sad that "sometime the person we would take a bullet for, is the one behind the trigger." Solution is to accept the relationship is over. Move on and be happy is the best way to let go. Let Time and No Contact do the work. In the end, you will be the winner.
My communication strategy used to be to respond to every criticism or concern. Now I try to ignore as much as possible because I am tired of being bullied and accused of being someone that I know I am not.
Hi Ben, I'm glad to hear you're taking back some of your power. Thanks for watching and commenting. Do you have some support in holding these boundaries and in continuing to grow your own sense of who you really are?
This is the real reason. They are upset because you're good. You're cool and calm. You moved on she's just somebody that you use to know and that's that! My ex cheated, I filed for the divorce. We have our kids 50/50 custody. She hates my guts for no reason. I was a good husband and she knows it. I have moved on and started my own company and is doing well. I'm in a great place with my daughters. Life is good. Told her I wish her the best for our children's. We can't change anyone who don't wanna change. I guess I'm a Narcissist in her head lol.
Exact same deal with me! Early in the marriage she told me I was a narcissistic….. so I started looking for help! But she got worse! I found out she cheated……. So I divorced her! She was after me for 5 years saying that she had changed…., well we got together so she could cheat on me and dump me! ……. I guess I don’t learn! This time I’m the worst person on the universe! I’m moving on for good with my two daughters and I want to start my own company! 19 years of this and I’m tired! Lord one more day please!
Hi Eric, I'm glad this video helped, and I'm really sorry you're going through this with your wife. It is so painful to have someone you love talk about and to you as though you were someone you're not. Do you have some support for yourself? How are you doing with all this?
Ran into my ex wife yesterday after months of no contact and she was very hostile. I just treated her with respect and said nothing. Her hostility did hurt my heart but made me feel like our break up was appropriate - as hard as that is to accept.
I left my miserable and cruel ex wife 10 years ago. It took 4 years of being broke, living with my parents while she was living in my house, and being drug through family court. Now, 10 years later she is still miserable, with some dork, and I’m living in a new home with my beautiful ex-model girlfriend, and have 50/50 custody of my kids. Divorce is so expensive because it’s worth it.
I'm glad to hear that you're doing well and have found happiness in your new relationship and your new life. For those who are still in the dark phase it can be hard to see the other side, and it's good to hear from folks who have gotten there. Thanks for watching and for commenting.
@@straightcashhomey1261 I'm not giving up even tho she filed because she has lost all hope and desire to work on this i realize my mistakes, and all woman want is safety and to be seen and heard with action, but compatibility for ease of expressing oneself is the burnt of the work. Don't let resentment build , follow Christ and each of you have to let go of resentment to heal.
I've got a debilitating case of PTSD and when I experience her "daggers", out of no where, I lock up and can't think straight for hours. Then I feel like drinking or doing something else to numb the pain (even though my body already feels numb). I am realizing it's a negative feedback loop and I am breaking that cycle. I and many on here deserve better for ourselves. As cheesy and cliché as it sounds, we need to learn to love ourselves in the face of toxicity.
Hi Timothy, I think you're right on with the cheesy cliché. And i'm so sorry to hear that you're experiencing that reaction to her "daggers". It sounds like you're building great awareness of your own feedback loop. Are you finding that the awareness is enough to begin to break the cycle? It might help to look for the one or two deep seated, underlying beliefs that are triggered by her daggers. You might already be aware of these... usually they are debilitatingly painful thoughts about ourselves (fun, right?). I find that breaking a negative feedback loop like yours is best tackled by a two prong approach: the first prong is to deeply understand the loop in terms of the underlying beliefs, the feelings they generate and the actions they drive. The second prong is to begin to replace those underlying beliefs with a set of intentionally neutral or even slightly positive beliefs. One thing I wouldn't recommend is trying to add in excessively positive beliefs or affirmations. Brains are too smart for that, and they won't create a new loop using a thought that you don't fully believe. I'm wishing you the best with breaking the loop and building that self love. If I can support you in any way, please don't hesitate in any way. You can email me at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com or book a consultation at calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy
I'm literally in the same boat. It sucks how you look like the bad guy for abandoning a burning ship. You have to realize you were never the captain. You didn't start the fire. Tread my friend. There's a rescue boat coming. Never lose hope.
I haven't had a drink since my last post. I am living on my own and pretty much told the attorney give her whatever she wants. The odd thing is, once I told her I was going to start dating... All the sudden she seemed to really let things go for the first time and has treated me more respectfully (women are complex). I am now navigating the weird world of dating as a father and wtf happened to dating??? Tinder (yuck), I can't do it, is modesty dead? I feel like an old fart and I'm only 37.
@@grey7603 Hey, you made me smile when you talked about dating, but you are so right. I'm hearing the same thing from a lot of people, of all ages. The dating world has changed dramatically in the last few years. I've got a couple of new videos out about dating that you might find helpful... the basic premise is don't play the games. You don't have to. There are real women out there and there are ways to connect to them. PS. I know things are really stressful and painful... but I would strongly encourage you to try to take a mental step back from the situation and have a conversation with your attorney- don't give her everything she wants. I don't know what state you're in, but I talk to a lot of family law attorneys in a number of states and Canada, and they all tell me the same thing - nearly every divorce case is going to end up split 50:50, unless one party is so stressed that they just give in and say "take it all". I just had dinner last night with an amazing divorce attorney who told me that those are the cases where she sees guys really getting screwed, and it isn't necessary.
Hi Michael, you're right. Knowing where it comes from doesn't change the reality of what she is doing or how it is impacting your life, your assets and your family. The part that actually matters in that case is you. How are you doing? How are you coping with and responding to her actions? What do you need to move through what likely feels like an attack by her and achieve the best outcomes for yourself or your family?
I went through this the first 5 years after separation. She then divorced me. I moved on and now she wants back - she is struggling. Life moves on and wish her the best.
ive been going thru this with my ex, every chance she get she putting me down and blaming me for our marriage not working out. Great perspective!! I really appreciated!!
This is no comfort to me when my ex not only tries to take everything that I have ever worked for, but also mentally brainwashed my daughter against me, made up false abuse allegations, and caused me to drain my life savings, retirement, ect. in order to pay my legal bills and pay her inflated "maintenance" payments every month as I live one paycheck away from eviction from a rodent infested uninsulated slum shack that I rent now. True, when I married her I overlooked more red flags than a Beijing Mayday parade, but she is actively trying to destroy my life up to and including having her minions stalk me, though I unfortunately can't prove it. I'm running out of lawyer money and she has yet to be held accountable despite my protests. I will NEVER forgive her for this.
I went through it too. Ten years after the divorce, the ex-wife went to my work and tried to get me fired. Our kids are grown now. I was able to go No Contact about 15 years ago.
You know who breaks everything in their life and everyone's lives around them? You know who blames all the brokenness they caused on someone else? You know who is incapable of admitting any wrong doing or contributions to problems? A narcissist. You know who searches earnestly for every wrong they contributed? You know who apologizes for all of their down falls and tries to adjust themselves? Someone who actually loves the other person and cares about the other person's needs and wellbeing above their own. You know who that person is in 80% of relationships? A good man
On a side note keep this in mind gentleman women are only in love with the way you make them feel, they never loved you. Just the way you make them feel. Because if they loved you for you they wouldn't ask for any changes and they would work through whatever the issue is.
I would insert a caveat into this... if you're making this argument, try phrasing it this way, "women are only in love with the way they THINK you make them feel". The reality is that you don't make them feel things. Their feelings come from their thoughts. You might trigger a thought, which might create a feeling, but you don't make the feeling happen. If you did, it would be much easier to make them happy! The flip is true too... they don't cause your feelings. They just trigger thoughts which create feelings. And all of that means you have a lot more power over how you experience your future than you may realize :)
Great point...women are not really in it for the man at all....so it's never their fault...when things go wrong. And it's to their credit when things go right. Especially in the western world.
So I guess the man has to be all in it for the woman? Otherwise if he fails the woman (who doesn’t have to have any feelings) has the right to stomp off like she is the prize and men are just scum and tools for placing unnecessary blame. Does the woman have any responsibility in this??
This has genuinely been invaluable. I felt a peace over me that I haven't felt for a while. I suspected much of what you said but as I have been doubting myself so much recently I couldn't help but wonder if I was thinking it because maybe I am a terrible person. It has been incredibly difficult having all my attempts to have peace thrown in my face but now I understand what's going on. Thank you! I feel like
Hi Greg, it warms my heart to hear that this was so validating and helpful for you. You are not a terrible person (and neither is she). You and she both may have taken terrible actions out of fear, anger or pain, but those actions don’t define who you are unless you decide they do and give up your own agency in your life. This can be a struggle to really feel on a deep level- our brains tend to get stuck in the ‘something is wrong with me’ mindset. If you find you’d like more support moving past that and taking control of your future, you’re welcome to book a consultation with me and we can see if we’re a good fit to work together. You can schedule either by email at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com or in my calendar here calendly.com/RachaelSloan/strategy
Same here. I realized, if my wife was kind to me like I always am to here, she would not need to divorce. Her self created hatred is her fuel to destroy it all
Rachel, First let me say THANK YOU! For 32 years my Ex has blamed me for all of her troubles. It was only 1 month ago she text me to only remind me how much she DISPISES ME, we're her words. Neither of us have remarried. I allow it to affect me most of the time. Her life is complete chaos. Her home looks like a warehouse, I could go on and on.
For 32 years of us both remaining single, my EX still hates my guts. Only a few weeks ago she text me out of the Blue to let me know she DISPISES me. This video makes complete sense to me! Thank you so much!!
Wow, Mark, she is holding onto anger and resentment after all those years... that makes me very sad for her. What a way to live your life. I'm sorry that you've had to continue to be confronted with that aggression as well, and I'm glad this video was helpful. How are you doing after all those years?
Mr. Mark, Maybe it might help if you give her a sincere apology for any wrongs you did and truly meant it, even if she is the one that "should" take that step.... Nothing but kind words and sincere apologies. Maybe she would apologize finally, or maybe after a little time afterwards. Either way, her acceptance or not, you would surely breath a little easier. I hate it for you brother!!! I do know how awful that can be, feeling guilty for causing so much hatefulness in someone's heart. I will guess since she did that out of the blue....to be mean to you, she still must have some kind of love for you or she would likely not have emotions either way toward you. How bad she must hurt carrying all that anger for so long. Each day must be a battle with her )-: and it can really all be fixed. When she is mean and hateful, show her kindness and love back, it sounds like she could really really use all of that anyone can give to her. It must be awful on her each day to bear so much anger. Maybe she just wants you to say it first? Even if no fault of yours y'all split the sheets, it would be soooo worth it if it helped either of you.
When I left her and keep going with my life she became crazy and started alienated from my kid and try to convince everyone around that I was a bad father…2 years later she still been a narcissist and we cannot comunicate like a normal exes!! This kind of situation break the pattern of have a normal life forever..is sad but it is like that…. My support for all the father that had been through this!!!
I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. If you're looking for deeper support, you might find Garry Junkhun's 100K Fathers a really good source. He is an amazing coach and he supports an incredible community of fathers whose ex wives are alienating them from their children. I did an interview with him for this channel - you can find it here- ruclips.net/video/d_5_rlXDFUU/видео.html and his contact info is there if that's something you might find helpful. Thank you for watching and for offering your support to the other fathers going through this.
I was that mean ex. Now, 7+ years out, having come to terms with the fact that our marriage failed because of me deciding I wasn’t going to live in a loveless marriage, this video is so healing. When my ex had to deal with my hurtful, cruel words after our divorce, what a blow to him it must’ve been. I was such a shit! One day, my hope is that he can forgive me.
I bet he has (-: I finally this year, learned how to truly forgive mine and wow how great that burden was to leave in the dust!! I've been good to her for many years and she to me but now all is truly forgiven. I was not at all perfect, no way, but I sure did try the best I knew how. Boy did I have a lot of things to learn! Too late but still, I wanted to learn . We were both just kids. She come by often as she can at my shop with our grandbabies and still will snap at me easily ....I smile and say yeah....there she is ...there's the mean one I like so much. She will laugh and tell me I'm still a mess and that's the end of that lol. That poor girl has been through hell and back and eat by a grizzly and shit off a cliff....a harsh word to her will never pass my lips again, I'll never forgive myself for the things I said when she left me. Because she no longer loved me, I said some awful things to her. I know now she did not leave me or hurt me just to cause pain, nor to be hateful yo me. I know that now. As bad as it hurt seeing her leave that day, months later divorce papers.....and that hurt all over again....what hurt the very most though, was how mean she was to me still after all that. Years later and I always asked, sometimes through a teary set of eyes, why? Why are you so mean to me? I honestly and genuinely wanted to understand so I could "fix" it. Mam', I'm sure your ex feels soooo many times better that you are no longer hateful to him. I know how he must of truly felt and it sucks. It must been really hard for you to admit this! It made me tell this truth for the first time for what it's worth, thank you very much!!!
You didn't live in a loveless marriage, you were loveless. You are not capable of loving another. I guarantee he loved you, you were just not capable of recognizing it, nor will you ever be. You wanted to use him and then eat him alive. That is your nature. You are a black widow spider. There's your peace in truth. Accept it. Lol you won't accept it.
Nicely done video. Clear, stays on point, and balanced for men and women. I was an active male dater and married late (34 yo), so it was important for me to develop a framework to cope with the relationships that came and went during the dating/courting process. Two principles sustained me: 1. Fault is irrelevant in relationships. It is about each party assuming complete and absolute responsibility for their situation. Period. No explanations and no qualifiers allowed. 2. Relationships don’t fail. They simply end. By embracing these principles one is empowered by taking complete responsibility and relationships ending is not personal failure. It is simply not the long-term relationship you were looking for. Assigning fault is a fool’s errand and is self-destructive behavior with no benefits. Note that the principle of absolute responsibility applies to EVERYTHING in your life. It is the single most liberating life principle I have found. I hope this provides some constructive thought for those
My ex threatens legal action anytime I do something she doesn’t like. Like taking my kids to church or doing any work on myself by saying “I was trying to be friends but then you did.. blank” I have such a bad one dudes. I hope you’re all doing well out there.
Thank you so much for this video. My wife moved out unexpectedly (while I was at work) about 2 months ago. She has filed for a divorce immediately. She refuses to talk to me so everything has to go through a solicitor. It is the third time she has left in this way since we got together 20 years ago. She is accusing me of being narcissistic and I have been questioning myself on this and thinking how terrible I must have been for her to do this to me. I am currently on antidepressants and I'm seeing a psychologist, who thinks I do not show enough of the signs of having a narcissistic personality disorder, but also thinks my wife shows signs of Borderline Personality Disorder (she has left 5 jobs in the last 10 years in similar circumstances as well as abandoning friends and family members in the same way). Listening to this has really helped me to understand why she is being this way. I love her so much and want her back desperately. I don't know if I can put myself through this again though - not that I have a choice at the moment.
Hi. I'm living day by day. I can't think about the future because the future without my wife is so painful. I don't want to live in the house we bought together but I don't want to lose everything we have worked so hard to build up. At the moment I am in an impossible situation. Together, we could move on. Even splitting up together wouldn't be as bad because I'd know that I had tried everything. I think we could work it out though. Without being able to talk to her, I'll never know. I have written so many letters and not sent them. I am constantly thinking of what I can do. The answer isn't coming though. The only thing I can think of is to take a leap of faith. Do the things she wants. Sell the house. Accept the divorce. Give her everything she wants. If I do that though, I run the risk of losing everything and then I really will have nothing. If it works, I get my wife back who I love deeply and hopefully, this won't happen again. At the end of the day, I'm still here and I'm still fighting!
@Paul Cartlidge No problem, brother. Its scarey how many of us have gone through almost an identical situation. All the way down to being accused of being a narcissist. Keep your head up man.
I've been divorced now almost 3 years - and about a year in to our divorce, my ex would text me saying things that she never liked about me in our marriage - she should have never let me play with the band on the weekends even though that was income for us - and I was not there to find someone else - I did it for the love of music and playing - but it would be this and other things designed to create a reaction from me. So one day I responded when dropping the girls off to her place: "I really don't wish to get in any more arguments with you. We are divorced and I am moving on. For the sake of our children I would like to keep a cordial relationship. I hope you feel the same." Since then she has been much better and less mean. So, hopefully I made some progress here : )
Patrick, thank you for sharing that. Setting those boundaries and being clear about your intentions sounds like it was really effective with your ex wife. Maybe you'll inspire her to let some of the past go as well, for your children's sake if not for her own. That's not an easy thing to say, and I imagine your words will inspire some others watching here.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Hi Racheal - thanks! - so many men (a few of my close friends included) really struggled after their divorces - i love to help when i can, especially when you are going through the same thing. My ex has gotten much better thankfully - the mean streaks have happened less but now a new development - i have met someone - I don't know where it's going yet - but it looks really promising. I told her yesterday and she freaked out - which honestly really, really surprised me. But here we are.
I've tried this multiple times with my ex wife. I'm hoping someday I get the same response. I'm also guilty of responding to her cruel behavior by playing her game. Everytime I'm at my lowest and I would ask for some reprieve, considering, decency, or help, she would use it as another opportunity to kick ne while I'm down. So I responded back to her in a way that I thought I wasn't taking her sh!t anymore and standing up for myself. All that did and does is fuel the fire. I just recently realized this and that no matter how hard I try I'll never appease or live up to her expectations and regardless of how much I try to be respectful and explain to her how much unnecessary pain shes causing or get so mad that I call her out and ne rude back to her, nothing is going to change. I'll never be able to change her behavior and I can only control mine. So not to be completely walked over all the time I just started saying no. No to her unreasonable expectations, requests, or engagement. It's all I can do at this point.
@@jonnyhammerstix1535 you are going about it the right way and i wish you all the best - going through a divorce is difficult as is - no matter if it's amicable or not - navigating post divorce, especially with kids, can be even more challenging. It's definitely a process. But yes, my ex was really quite mean the first year or two, playing on my weaknesses - it's much better now that i started standing up for myself.
My ex wife and I divorced this Jan after a long 8 year marriage. We have two kids together that we share custody of so I see my ex daily during pickups and drop offs. She is so argumentative with me. For even the littlest things. I could say its cloudy outside and she'd say no its partly sunny... When she does this to me it really gets me upset because it feels like an attack out of nowhere. The part where you said to change my reaction really resonates with me. Its definitely something I want to work on. Its just so hard when it comes out of thin air. Its gotten to the point where I have to give myself a pep talk in the car before I drop the kids off to her. I just tell myself to expect something mean from her and not let it get to me. Its so dang hard tho...
Stop the Contact….Save Your Self Drop off at a point your are Not by your self…..A Official of some kind And Do NOT talk to her …. at All …..correspondence through a third party. GO NO CONTACT….. 🏴😎
Because she’s tired of being gaslit. Direct language isn’t mean. It he’s mean then he can stay feeling like a victim. God forbid a woman have boundaries
If she’s mean-sorry auto correct. Or she’s not being mean and keeps trying to stay focused on one issue at a time. Hey here’s an idea he can read some books on conflict resolution like I did and go to therapy like I do-but I guess you wouldn’t be divorced then. There’s no reason you can’t do things like coworkers and just be professional. It’s not rocket science.
Therapy is for females, men don't need to talk through their emotions. You're justifying female abusers, we need to change the laws so women who act like this go through the criminal justice system, because it's abuse
My soon to be ex wife told me 6 months ago that she didn't love me anymore, and doesn't want to learn how to again; on day 1 of therapy. I walked away. We begun our divorce process and I now have moved on. To spite me, the ex , turned my entire family against me and now is doing everything her power to either hold me emotionally hostage to her dred or have me alienate. Interaction is impossible with out her getting jabs in. I've learned to keep things calm with myself and not stoop to level. I've learned that everything that " is wrong with me " I just a projection of her own insecurities. I've moved on, started a new family but she still makes it near impossible for me to share anything with me other then spite or resentment. I am happy now , I know her feelings are no longer my responsibility but, I still care about the mother of my children. I hope she finds happiness, for our children's sake. I was attached to that misery, I don't want my children to be manipulated into either.
I'm glad to hear that you've found your path forward and have been able to move on. Could you share what was the most helpful for you in that process? What worked that you would recommend to others in a similar situation?
I hear ya.. I see through the woman I meet and it's not a pretty picture. Sometimes I feel like I am putting myself in a cage of my own making and it's sad. But I'm working through it.
Hard truth men. Wanting her back or even begging her back just makes it worse. Politely say bye and move on. Work out. Get good job. Get nice things like a house a business. Learn some game and talk to some women. That’s your plan from now on. If you want to marry get married again if you want to play around do as you please. And never take women seriously. They run on emotions.
How I dealt with it is to accept her meanness. In the 12 years we have been divorced and the end of our co parenting duties are about to be fulfilled, she has made a couple of nice gestures. Examples are sending links to the kids school photos. Simply saying "Thank you" After complying with a court order. My response has been "No nice words from you! Ever! Be the mean person your are! Don't you ever thank me for anything ! Ever! Keep it formal and businesslike or be mean but don't ever be nice! Ever!" This threw her into an emotional tizzy going so far as to report me to the court. The court laughed her off responding that most men complain of the women being harsh.
Heading towards divorce after 18 years of marriage. It was a bad marriage overall that involved physical & emotional abuse. The thing is we married & had kids very young & we both tried very hard to make things work when we probably should have both walked away. So after 2021 which was arguably the worst year of our lives ( two deaths in the family months apart & health problems ) my wife lashed out on me & told me she wanted a divorce. I immediately recognized that she changed & wasn’t the loving wife that I knew at the time. Turns out she has been cheating on me with multiple men & was living a secret life that I wasn’t aware of. She used things that happened 6-12 years ago against me even though I thought that we had already come to terms with & worked out. So now here I am all alone, she has already moved on with another man & has already introduced my kids to another man & it hurts so bad. Everyday for the past two weeks I have cried & cried missing my wife & trying to accept what has happened. Ever since she separated from me she has treated me very nasty & I caught her in so many lies it’s like she’s not even the same person anymore. Back in 2016 after she walked out on me with the kids bc I was a abusive alcoholic I knew I had to change. I cried out to God who convicted me & revealed to me that I was destroying my marriage & my family. I immediately stopped drinking & surrendered my addiction to God but the guilt & shame I felt was overwhelming. Between the withdraw from alcohol & the shame it was too much. Eventually we had our hearing in court ( she placed a protective order against me ) & both my wife & the judge saw that I made the right decision to change my life for my family. I remember driving home from the hearing crying tears of joy bc my family was a new man for my family & that God changed me from being a nasty abusive drunk. This was in 2016 & I never went back to drinking ever again. I remember this one day soon after my wife & I were driving & she confessed to me that she was so happy that I changed my ways & that she didn’t want to throw away half her life of marriage with me & that she was committed to me as long as I didn’t turn back to my bad ways. Fast forward 6 years later & used all of that stuff against me & threw it in my face to excuse her disgusting behavior. It hurts bc I know I have caused her & my family a great deal of pain in the past but when you made the changes to own up you still carry the burden & shame, especially when they weaponize it against you. Sorry for so long & agree we were both in this together. It’s just a shame, wish I would have never hurt her or my kids the way I did.
I'm pretty certain my ex wife is the bad guy, since she slept around and left me for her long term affair partner. I admit I'm not perfect either. She is excellent at playing the victim and triggering sympathy. She had me fooled for almost 10 years so I can't be mad at people for seeing me as the bad person. Heck i sometimes fall back in the trap myself again, then later have to remind myself of the cruell things she's done in the past and react by being confrontational in defending my boundaries, which to her and the people around her make me the bad guy again. I tell myself that I have no influence on what she tells other people about me and what these people believe is not. But it is exhausting sometimes. We have 2 children together so I have to remain in contact. I'm working to letting it go but some days are bad like today. That's how I got to your video. You are correct in that my mental image of her is as a bad person. It's hard to let that go after years of manipulation and being humiliated. Sorry for the rant
Sometimes rants are necessary. It sounds like you've been through the wringer, and ranting might be just what you need. I find that forgiveness or letting go usually can't happen if you have a lot of pent up resentment and anger. Those emotions need some space first! Acknowledging and validating those feelings can help you work through them. There are also ways to let go and move on for your own sake without condoning her actions. If you'd like more support around this, feel free to book a consultation call. We can look in more detail at your specific needs and if I think I can help I'll explain how we can go in a step by step fashion through what you're feeling to get to a place where she doesn't continue to suck so much of your energy. You can view my calendar and book a call here: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy or email me directly at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
I'm sorry...but if this is true...its utter Bullshit. These women arent babies or children. They think for themselves and arent stupid. It's not hard to recognize when u hurt someone and co thinking to do so or shift the blame is a lack of accountability. Not recognizing that or maybe actually recognizing that fact and still choosing to be difficult and be cruel, is just being a bad human being. Plain and simple. A good person isnt going to cause another pain that they share a special past with just to try and convince themselves they are the good guy. It makes no sense no matter what way u spin it. An Ex wife or husband isn't a job or former friend. It's so much more. So the analogy just doesnt sell. If they act this way. These woman are proving they care only about themselves and live for that moment and not the long run. You just dont treat someone like dirt. ESPECIALLY if you know u have already hurt them. It makes you a sociopath.
@@jasonx-ray3921 calling them children or babies takes away their accountability. Which they most certainly need to have. These females are adults...and should be treated as such. Which is whybit makes their lack of accountability so rediculous.
I appreciate you and this posting Rachael!! 👍 I understand what kind of person I am and my abilities. How she projects me is another, especially to our kiddos. No matter sticking to my guns as they say and my kiddos will understand this also if they don’t already. I just let her say and/or do what she likes but in the back of my mind I’m still who I am and she will never change this about me. Understanding we’re not bad people making good decisions but good people making bad decisions. 🍻
I’ve changed my music a few years ago, fine tuning it as I go, but my ex wife always pulls power play after power play when it comes to our six year old daughter. Scheduling things in advance on my time to steal time with our daughter. I’m usually accommodating to her inquiries, but she only tries to take her more and more. And when something comes up where I would want my daughter for an extended amount of time, my ex desires even more time as payment. If I say no, she will mentally attack and manipulate the situation in her favor. I’m actually scared of her. She manipulated me into handing over all the furniture, paying off her car, and giving in to her wanting primary custody of our daughter. Every time I battle her over something, she wins, manipulating EVERYONE around her. Now, I fear that her goal is to make me more absent from my daughter’s life until one day my daughter would decide to live solely with my ex. I want to fight, but to this new tune, so that I can be this better version of myself but not be a pushover. I’m struggling with this so bad. Sorry for the rant. This has been on my mind a lot lately.
It sounds like you need to do more than change your music. Your ex wife is intimidating and threatening you to keep you and your daughter apart. Just from what you've written I think there's at least two areas of inner work that would be highly beneficial to you - the first is to explore and vanquish your fear of your ex wife so she can't control you anymore, and the second is to practice a specific set of communication strategies to stand up for yourself and your child without triggering her into becoming defensive or aggressive. If you'd like support and guidance to do that, let's get on the phone and talk to see if you're a good fit for coaching. You can book a free consultation with me at calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy or email me at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
No. Forget the "music". Get a lawyer... yesterday! and preferably a female attack dog. she has big plans for your future and your relationship with your daughter. and they ain't good. Trust me. Best of luck. hang tough. be strong for your daughter BC she needs you.
What do you do when this person is the one you had a child with? I have a 2 year old son, she’s been cold, distant, at times ignores me completely when I want to talk with her about important things. She just seems like she just wants everything to fail. Idk what to do… she’s a good mom at least, but she’s a terrible communicator.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Actually I think that you did a good job on the video. The video appeared in my feed. There is a lot of divorce in my family and I've seen a lot with coworkers etc. Thankfully I was able to live vicariously through them and avoided the issue.
She has buyer's remorse with Chad. She left her husband for Chad, and she's finding out it was just a pump and dump now she's bitter. Women never are happy if you make a decision for them, they're not happy. They make their own decision and they're not happy. Stay single men. It's not worth it.The juice isn't worth the squeeze
my ex wife wouldnt even acknowledge me nor our dog we got together when bumping into her by chance, from a distance, but she saw us, a month after she blocked me everywhere
I'm glad my ex wife filed a divorced 4years ago. Today she never told me that our daughter's have doctors appointment. And the clinic called me to confirm the appointment. Am like no idea for that doc appt. I have my daughter mon to thursday. And shes with me. Texted the ex wife and too much reply defense her self. So im just calm and replied thumbs up👍. I dont want to engage drama anymore. I moved on. But unfortunately some kind of scenario will poked our exes. Life is good. Ignore the ex gents. Lol
This is why women if they have kids most should do a surrogate. You can dis attach from the donnor and have full autonomy over their child. You can see your child as yours
Rob the child of a father so they can have full autonomy? That's child abuse. Abuse by definition is using someone for your own ends without regards to the harms it causes them. Child abuse
I am mean to my husband he was an ass. He wasted my time my life and lied and is dating the mistress and bringing my kids to meet her. If he dated a new person i would be cool but him and his bully... no i am sightlently seething at the level of disrespect. I hope him an his she is okay to have 3some thot get what they have coming to them via karma Mind you i am very sightlent most of the time I just don't talk. Told him the whold making my kids befriend and enemy thing is the bigest insult to me as a mom not to mention he already disrespected me. The added insult in really deplorable. Having kids with your enemy unbeknownst to you is the worst thing that can happen to a women I so understand why women are no longer birthing so.many ungrateful disrespectful men.
I have tried co-parenting since the beginning of the divorce. My ex will not communicate in any way shape or form. My son and I get along great but she wound up turning my teenage daughter against me. All the way to the point where even when I scheduled a meeting with the college counselor at her high school she told my daughter not to go? When my daughter was briefly talking to me and I took her driving she went the wrong way down a one-way street. In the very little communication I have with my ex she told me that my daughter did the same thing with her. I said she wasn't ready for her license what is my ex do goes and gets her license cuz it's against what I had asked for. Took my kid to Mexico didn't give me an address of where they were going I can go on and on. I did everything for this person paid for everything gave her roses all the time was as nice as I can be but to quote Bill Murray from the film meatballs it just doesn't matter
My husband’s ex is trying to sue him to get more alimony even divorce was complete in Canada.( she is polish and back to Poland). Whatever she wants to do let her do because we found she spent all of alimony which she got already.That’s very much not smart and she seems like holding unbelievable debt.
Mine absolutely hates me because she wanted a divorce and thought she would move away to be with another man and take my kids. NOPE, I fought for my kids and won. Now she is a complete mess with no job and a man who fully funds her life. Now this woman has 2 college degrees but I guess she chose a man over her kids. Sorry that I’m just a firefighter and he is multi-millionaire, but I got our kids so she can just get over it.
Hey Michael, thanks for sharing your experience. How are you doing? Are you finding that now that you've won the custody case you're able to move on and find some happiness yourself, or are you getting stuck somewhere along the way?
My soon to be ex wife has been cheating on me for the past 10 months She is currently doing everything possible to rub my nose in it We have 4 kids and she is also neglecting them something horrible . I'm stressing out over this because I'm not talking negatively to the kids I am trying to not engage . But it is getting hard not to It's extremely hard I need this to be over
moral of the story she’s going to be mean deal with it. Don’t get remarried if you got divorced once you are it is very likely to get a divorced again..
Stumbled up on this, thinking of repairing my relationship in the midst of a high conflict divorce and really nasty allegations... IDK 1 year since we don't live together, 2 year old son, she has another man, we're are soon going to court... Saying all of this, I must be dumb right, we don't really talk, she wants as little contact as possible...
I’m going through this right now. Our anniversary was to be tomorrow. She is now slandering me and hateful. For two years I tried to get her back. I am at work in mental pain
Hi Bobby, I hope you had some friends or family to support you on that hard day. Do you have some good support systems in your life as you go through this?
Sometimes it is what it is. I’ve learned to ignore the verbal attacks now divorced and when I did they stopped coming. When it’s a commitment for better or worse and one completely gives up…their not bad i guess but just a quitter and probably have signs of quitting throughout their life
Do some people try to break their feelings with anger. I saw my dad fight our neighbor who was bigger than him and i askef my dad if he was scared and he said you can use anger to overcome fear
Basically it mean men be the adult, let her be the victim and accept your role as the asshole and the evil one... You cant win gentleman, peace, freedom and quiet, take care of yourself body, mind, money and peace... Use them for entertainment purposes only in a respectful manner, tell them you dont want anything serious you just want good time and have fun, no string attach... Shes not ssying nothing in that video but basically men accept, be the adult, accept her dellusions and move on...
That's an interesting topic... yes, I will do a video around it. For now I can offer you this - Meanness is part of a fight response. Human beings don't go into fight/flight unless they feel threatened. I'm not saying it's your fault that she feels threatened. It is probably a lot more about her - what she thinks, the story she tells herself, the people and community she surrounds herself with, etc. What I am saying is that she will probably be mean until/unless she feels really safe with you. The best way I know to help someone feel safe is to resist the urge to join them in fight/flight. That means staying calm, not taking it personally, speaking slowly, quietly and gently, repeating their words to help them feel heard and generally inviting them to calm down with you, just like you might speak to a frightened and aggressive dog. There is a principle in NLP that says, "The goal of all communication is the outcome." Someone in fight/flight loses access to the more clear headed, rational parts of their brain. Logical discussion and problem solving really cannot happen in this state. So the only rational goal of communication with someone in fight/flight is to help them calm down. Then they become capable of logical discussion and problem solving, and communication can happen on another level. Super interesting topic... tricky with an ex wife because you have limited interactions with her and she is likely resistant to working through it. I'll think about it and do a video with more detail. Thank you for watching and for asking this question!
I loved my wife completely. She felt the same about me. Her mother changed after our son was born. Said I never was and never will be a part of her family. She threatened my wife of desertion if she didn't come back to her and bring her our son. That was 7 years ago. Our family was destroyed. She was going to flee with them both. Attorneys said I had to divorce her to stop them. I was still trying to save our family. When they got the notice they couldn't leave they've both wanted me dead ever since. I got joint custody but they continously with hold my son. This time it's been 4 months. The stress has me fighting cancer. No money. I'm 57. Our boy is 7. He knows 2 things. His dad has always cared for his mom and his mom hates his daddy. He's now being brainwashed to turn from me too. I'm devastated 💔
I'm so sorry to hear this. Do you have any emotional support as far as a therapist or coach goes? I know it might sound like the least of your problems... but intolerable, frightening and overwhelming emotions have powerful physical impacts, as it sounds like you are experiencing when you write that the stress has you fighting cancer. There are therapists who practice Emotionally Focused Therapy who might be able to help you process and cope with the devasting emotions. You can find a list of them here: iceeft.com/ You may also find these books helpful: Full Body Presence by Suzanne Scurlock-Durana (includes some great guided audio meditations) Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine (how to work with and heal trauma in the body) The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you for this. Considering that my son is depending on me surviving, Even though he doesn't know it, And even though through all the pain I'm in a good place mentally. I have to be. My son is being taught to forget his dad. And that I need to be gone Permanently. Once I'm healthy and back to work even our anti-father family court system should at least consider MORE THAN JUST MAKE UP DAYS. Thank you so much for these resources.
@@southernyards2152 You're welcome. Your son is lucky to have you, even if he doesn't know it now and may not know it for a number of years, I can hear how committed you are and how much you love him. I hope the resources help. And I know nothing of your legal situation, however I have had a few clients who really struggled with the courts around custody, and I've learned that your attorney can make a HUGE difference. If you haven't already, it might be worthwhile to explore or at least interview a few different options. I'm saddened and surprised by how many attorneys are, frankly, not that good. When it comes to custody filing the right paperwork at the right time can make all the difference. I wish you the very best. What you're up against is not easy. I had one family law attorney recently describe our court system as "archaic" and I think she's right in many circumstances. No matter what happens in court, the love you have for you son is going to shine through, even if it takes until he's an adult. As a child of divorce myself, it took me, honestly, until I was in my 20's to really appreciate my father and his love for me. I hope you and your son reach each other long before then.
I clicked on this and glad I did. On year one of divorce. So many conflicted feelings being like 80% of women who initiate divorce. I am left wondering exactly what happened. So my question is: if no one is to blame and no one is "the a-hole" then who other than God Himself can say where fault lays and what to learn from it. Because, whether we like to admit or not, someone was definitely the greater a-hole which means selfishness and not loving. For me, I see now that men are in love and women are in business.
Hi Moxie Mike, thanks for watching and commenting. I'm glad you found it interesting. I understand the desire to see where fault lays so that it can be learned from. Unfortunately more often than not I see people trying to define who is the bigger a-hole in order to absolve themselves of guilt, not to learn or grow. However, if learning and growing really is the goal, then some degree of 'fault' lays with both parties. It has to, because the relationship is between two people, both of whom are responsible for its success. Trying to define who was the bigger a-hole is just another way of saying, "my perspective is the right one, and for the relationship to work the other person needs to see it my way." That's relationship cryptonite. You say women are in business and men in love... more often I think women are in fear and men are in denial (of their own emotions, primarily). Unfortunately I think societal norms and social conditioning teaches us to be this way. It makes it easy for men to dismiss women as 'incapable of love' without ever understanding what their wives were actually feeling, and it makes it easy for women to dismiss men as 'emotionally unavailable' without ever understanding the immense pressure many men feel to be a strong, stoic protector and provider. I'm sorry that you're going through this, and your kids as well. I hope that in your own healing you can find space and honest reflection that allows you to enjoy healthy connections and relationships, and not give in to the simpler but ultimately more painful path of rejecting an entire gender to avoid facing difficult emotions or deeply ingrained patterns.
Divorce between the pair is happening because someone isn't getting their needs met. When you marry, the intention is to death do us part. When that reality is derailed, it turns a persons heart bitter. It's a deep hurt that sometimes never heals with many wounds.
My dad's second wife falsely accused him of killing their cat before she divorced him When she knew coyotes had killed the neighbors cat 2 weeks before.
Four years since I gave her divorce, due to her stubbornness, spoilfulness, arrogance but most of all she tried to kill herself by accusing me of things I never did, filed a suit against me, disrespected me amongst friends, beacuse of her I don't have any, finally I won the suit after 4 long years, she got married to someone, I also got married & have kids, what do you suggest I should do, I never took any action against her but she doesn't seem to let go. What do you suggest I should do
Good video. Very true, very well said. As I said in a comment to another video, I dealt with this problem by learning about Non-violent communication, and putting those techniques into practice. Everything you said here is true, I just related to it differently dealing with the end of my marriage.
Hi Peter, that's a good question. The reality is that there is very little you can do to change someone else's behavior. You can try. You can ask them to change. You can also set boundaries for yourself and remove yourself from conversations or exchanges with them if they engage in certain behaviors. But if you focus your efforts on changing their actions, you're going to be frustrated and anxious because you're trying to control something that is outside of your control. The far more effective path is to stay in your own lane and control what you can control - how you think and feel, whether or not you take their words/actions personally and how you respond.
07:14 Are you sure it's always a wound? because when I was married, and she said something "insulting" like (she's my grandma she can tell me I've became skinny, but "who are you" to agree with her and tell the same?) or (laughs at you during an argument when you tell her that all what you are trying to do is build a family)... I don't think that triggers any wound. It's just that these words shouldn't come from someone who's supposed to consider you. it's like a shock! The only problem why you get in a fight is that a sentence or two are not enough to say goodbye "yet". When it became more frequent, I walked away.
It is shocking! Someone who is supposed to care about and love you is being cruel. That's a hard thing to make sense of. It's been my experience that anger and aggression are secondary to pain or fear. I don't know your ex, and I can't explain what was happening in her brain. I can tell you that I've worked with a number of men and women who have said and done things they look back on with great shame, including physical and verbal abuse. When we look at their past actions with curiosity and compassion, we always (in my experience) find a reason for their cruelty. It doesn't make it okay, it doesn't justify it and it doesn't mean that their partners should have stayed. But it does mean that they are still human, not inexplicable monsters out to cause harm for no reason whatsoever. That's why I mention the wounding. I have not yet met someone whose unkind actions weren't some form of conscious or subconscious protection. Sometimes that protection backfires, hurting them and isolating them more than it protects them. Either way, it sounds like you made a good decision for yourself. Even if you understand someone's actions it doesn't mean you have to like them or stick around to receive them.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thanks for the feedback. I was talking about "my own" angry reactions when I was talked to that way. I don't think they show any wound (if that's a wound, what's normality then?). because I wouldn't leave a marriage at the 1st disrespectful remark, but I wouldn't neither let it look like it was nothing (furthermore, I don't do weak responses like "honey, I don't like what you just said..." when I just had been disrespected. I react exactly the same if not worse. but I never initiate. tough but fair) Yes I walked away after the umpteenth scandal, i talked seriously about divorce, "2 weeks" (that's too short) later she was already approaching someone else, so i left "for good". Till that moment I was doing (not feeling) great with my actions. BUT she brought me back with a fake pregnancy (I understood later that it was the 2nd fake pregnancy aiming to win something) then, after tumultuous episodes of lies and manipulations during 3 months, she was the one who cut the contact first. she denied the cheating, but I'm sure she was cheating/preparing the future while keeping me busy with lies maybe as a plan C or D. the analysis i did 2 years ago led me to believe "objectively" she has BPD (80% passionate love, 20% "extreme" drama revealed more after the wedding)
Both of my ex wives are very mean! The last divorce was really hard for me! She got what she wanted so say! She wanted a divorce, she got the house,so why your still mad!? She told me she settled for me! So you think another man is better than your husband! Now your available for the streets of better men so you say! You shouldn't be mean anymore! If she claims she's happy why doesn't she speak?
I hear what she's saying but this isn't my lived experience at all. I've moved on from jobs for new opporutnites and in nearly every single instance I parted ways as friends with my former boss/coworkers. In fact, I can't think of a time when I left a job for another opportunity and left on bad terms. Nearly all of my friendships that "ended" only ended because the relationship fizzled out due to geography, time, and life pulling us in other directions and we just lost touch. Very rarely have I had a friendship end because of something nefarious done to me. Again, this is a woman trying to justify the bad behaviors of other women who decide to blow up their families no good reason. At the end of the day, there is an asshole and there is a good guy in a divorce. The asshole is the one who didn't have the streght of character and courage to uphold the most solemn vow they ever took, and the good guy is the other party. That is self evident and probably the reason why so many women carry so much guilt and shame for going nuclear on their family because "they just weren't into it anymore."
You could certainly make that argument! Although that would probably make pretty much everyone a bad guy since the human brain naturally creates said psychological constructs and the vast majority of people aren't even aware its happening :)
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach there is ultimate good/bad in a well-organized family-oriented society. Justinnaylor9851 is making a strong point. "Moral Relativism" destroys our social underpinnings. The current crisis our country is going thru right now, reflects that fact. Thanks. 😇
i am still treated like that asshole nearly 14 years after I divorced her and calls me a worthless father. I wasn't the one that was having affairs and during our marriage. I try to be nice for my child sake but I still treated like a outsider. Thankfully my child is graduating this year and after that she can't use me for 22% of my income every year
So women are just subconsciously cruel? I think many are totally aware they are being abusive and unfair they simply do not care because all men are terrible right?
Men don't match your ex negative energy. Do what we always do, hold ourselves accountable and move on. Guys often thrive after divorce. Trust me move on.
227 likes and a few comments after a year…. clearly not a popular video…. Although this is the truth -- as much as I don’t want to hear it not (my ex just screwed me over again last night)…. being emotionally intelligent and developing your responses and triggers is the only way forward…. thanks for this reminder again today!!!
I'm glad the reminder was timely for you, thank you for watching and for being open to hearing the message of this video. You're right, it is not an easy one to hear. The brain likes to step into the painful comfort of being a victim, yet if we stay there we surrender the future to the past, and that is simply not worth it, in my opinion at least.
I'm here to help you understand what's really going on in your divorce, heal the emotional wounds and move on, move forward and into new, healthier relationships, with confidence.
With this channel I hope to give you some tools and information to help you get started. We can take this work so much deeper with one on one coaching. I offer completely personalized, 12 week coaching programs designed for you, to achieve your goals.
Book a call with me to learn more: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy
90% of these comments would be solved with divorce, no contact order, and man gets 100%. All these men have abusive exes who abuse their children to try to punish/control the father. Kids need to be protected from women like that, so dad should get 100% custody. And instead of talk therapy take kids fishing or to the ocean or ball games. Men don't need to talk our feelings out like women do.
Thank you. This explains what I’ve been going through during 3 years of divorce. I’ve been demonised despite being a good guy and a good father. It’s really taken it’s toll.
The solution is for yall to have 100% custody. If the father abused the mother he'd immediately lose any custody. Should be the same, in your case and most of these comments the mother/ex-wife is,an abuser. Courts should recognize that and protect the children and ex husband.
It's sad that "sometime the person we would take a bullet for, is the one behind the trigger." Solution is to accept the relationship is over. Move on and be happy is the best way to let go. Let Time and No Contact do the work. In the end, you will be the winner.
Damn I was just telling a friend the same person I would protect with my life just walked out on me when I needed her this most
Having kids make no contact hard. Then when they monkey branch and have another person in your young children lives make it even more difficult.
I agree and feel your pain. can’t wait til my youngest turns 18 years old! Only 12 years to go…
@@michaelsmith1364exactly. Going throught the same stuff man.
My communication strategy used to be to respond to every criticism or concern. Now I try to ignore as much as possible because I am tired of being bullied and accused of being someone that I know I am not.
Hi Ben, I'm glad to hear you're taking back some of your power. Thanks for watching and commenting. Do you have some support in holding these boundaries and in continuing to grow your own sense of who you really are?
No communication except for the business of co parenting. When communicating such business...BIFF Brief, Informative, Factual, Formal (Not friendly)
If you argue, you lose. Best to not engage when lies are told
This is the real reason. They are upset because you're good. You're cool and calm. You moved on she's just somebody that you use to know and that's that! My ex cheated, I filed for the divorce. We have our kids 50/50 custody. She hates my guts for no reason. I was a good husband and she knows it. I have moved on and started my own company and is doing well. I'm in a great place with my daughters. Life is good. Told her I wish her the best for our children's. We can't change anyone who don't wanna change. I guess I'm a Narcissist in her head lol.
Yeah i got same gig but have kids full time. Hates my guts and reminds me constantly as i keep doing what i said i would do. Its crazy making
Exact same deal with me! Early in the marriage she told me I was a narcissistic….. so I started looking for help! But she got worse! I found out she cheated……. So I divorced her! She was after me for 5 years saying that she had changed…., well we got together so she could cheat on me and dump me! ……. I guess I don’t learn! This time I’m the worst person on the universe! I’m moving on for good with my two daughters and I want to start my own company! 19 years of this and I’m tired! Lord one more day please!
@@darwincollado8993 yep 19 years I know I still have 4 more years of abuse until our son turns 18
Glad you're doing well and move on.
Dame, that’s literally my life lol.
This explains why my wife who is separating with me keeps having extremely negative picture of me. It really stunned me I'm lost of words.
Hi Eric, I'm glad this video helped, and I'm really sorry you're going through this with your wife. It is so painful to have someone you love talk about and to you as though you were someone you're not. Do you have some support for yourself? How are you doing with all this?
Ran into my ex wife yesterday after months of no contact and she was very hostile. I just treated her with respect and said nothing. Her hostility did hurt my heart but made me feel like our break up was appropriate - as hard as that is to accept.
They (like mine) are not mentally mature for all that
My ex-wife is just a nut job.
I left my miserable and cruel ex wife 10 years ago. It took 4 years of being broke, living with my parents while she was living in my house, and being drug through family court. Now, 10 years later she is still miserable, with some dork, and I’m living in a new home with my beautiful ex-model girlfriend, and have 50/50 custody of my kids. Divorce is so expensive because it’s worth it.
I'm glad to hear that you're doing well and have found happiness in your new relationship and your new life. For those who are still in the dark phase it can be hard to see the other side, and it's good to hear from folks who have gotten there. Thanks for watching and for commenting.
@@straightcashhomey1261 I'm not giving up even tho she filed because she has lost all hope and desire to work on this i realize my mistakes, and all woman want is safety and to be seen and heard with action, but compatibility for ease of expressing oneself is the burnt of the work. Don't let resentment build , follow Christ and each of you have to let go of resentment to heal.
I’m so glad I divorced my wife!
I've got a debilitating case of PTSD and when I experience her "daggers", out of no where, I lock up and can't think straight for hours. Then I feel like drinking or doing something else to numb the pain (even though my body already feels numb). I am realizing it's a negative feedback loop and I am breaking that cycle. I and many on here deserve better for ourselves. As cheesy and cliché as it sounds, we need to learn to love ourselves in the face of toxicity.
Hi Timothy, I think you're right on with the cheesy cliché. And i'm so sorry to hear that you're experiencing that reaction to her "daggers". It sounds like you're building great awareness of your own feedback loop. Are you finding that the awareness is enough to begin to break the cycle?
It might help to look for the one or two deep seated, underlying beliefs that are triggered by her daggers. You might already be aware of these... usually they are debilitatingly painful thoughts about ourselves (fun, right?). I find that breaking a negative feedback loop like yours is best tackled by a two prong approach: the first prong is to deeply understand the loop in terms of the underlying beliefs, the feelings they generate and the actions they drive. The second prong is to begin to replace those underlying beliefs with a set of intentionally neutral or even slightly positive beliefs.
One thing I wouldn't recommend is trying to add in excessively positive beliefs or affirmations. Brains are too smart for that, and they won't create a new loop using a thought that you don't fully believe.
I'm wishing you the best with breaking the loop and building that self love. If I can support you in any way, please don't hesitate in any way. You can email me at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com or book a consultation at calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy
I'm literally in the same boat. It sucks how you look like the bad guy for abandoning a burning ship.
You have to realize you were never the captain. You didn't start the fire.
Tread my friend.
There's a rescue boat coming.
Never lose hope.
I haven't had a drink since my last post. I am living on my own and pretty much told the attorney give her whatever she wants. The odd thing is, once I told her I was going to start dating... All the sudden she seemed to really let things go for the first time and has treated me more respectfully (women are complex). I am now navigating the weird world of dating as a father and wtf happened to dating??? Tinder (yuck), I can't do it, is modesty dead? I feel like an old fart and I'm only 37.
@@grey7603 Hey, you made me smile when you talked about dating, but you are so right. I'm hearing the same thing from a lot of people, of all ages. The dating world has changed dramatically in the last few years. I've got a couple of new videos out about dating that you might find helpful... the basic premise is don't play the games. You don't have to. There are real women out there and there are ways to connect to them.
PS. I know things are really stressful and painful... but I would strongly encourage you to try to take a mental step back from the situation and have a conversation with your attorney- don't give her everything she wants.
I don't know what state you're in, but I talk to a lot of family law attorneys in a number of states and Canada, and they all tell me the same thing - nearly every divorce case is going to end up split 50:50, unless one party is so stressed that they just give in and say "take it all". I just had dinner last night with an amazing divorce attorney who told me that those are the cases where she sees guys really getting screwed, and it isn't necessary.
this is great and all, but when shes bludgeoning you with the full weight of the family court it doesnt matter that this is subconscious
Hi Michael, you're right. Knowing where it comes from doesn't change the reality of what she is doing or how it is impacting your life, your assets and your family.
The part that actually matters in that case is you. How are you doing? How are you coping with and responding to her actions? What do you need to move through what likely feels like an attack by her and achieve the best outcomes for yourself or your family?
I went through this the first 5 years after separation. She then divorced me. I moved on and now she wants back - she is struggling.
Life moves on and wish her the best.
ive been going thru this with my ex, every chance she get she putting me down and blaming me for our marriage not working out. Great perspective!! I really appreciated!!
This is no comfort to me when my ex not only tries to take everything that I have ever worked for, but also mentally brainwashed my daughter against me, made up false abuse allegations, and caused me to drain my life savings, retirement, ect. in order to pay my legal bills and pay her inflated "maintenance" payments every month as I live one paycheck away from eviction from a rodent infested uninsulated slum shack that I rent now. True, when I married her I overlooked more red flags than a Beijing Mayday parade, but she is actively trying to destroy my life up to and including having her minions stalk me, though I unfortunately can't prove it. I'm running out of lawyer money and she has yet to be held accountable despite my protests. I will NEVER forgive her for this.
I went through it too. Ten years after the divorce, the ex-wife went to my work and tried to get me fired. Our kids are grown now. I was able to go No Contact about 15 years ago.
You know who breaks everything in their life and everyone's lives around them? You know who blames all the brokenness they caused on someone else? You know who is incapable of admitting any wrong doing or contributions to problems? A narcissist.
You know who searches earnestly for every wrong they contributed? You know who apologizes for all of their down falls and tries to adjust themselves? Someone who actually loves the other person and cares about the other person's needs and wellbeing above their own.
You know who that person is in 80% of relationships? A good man
On a side note keep this in mind gentleman women are only in love with the way you make them feel, they never loved you. Just the way you make them feel.
Because if they loved you for you they wouldn't ask for any changes and they would work through whatever the issue is.
I would insert a caveat into this... if you're making this argument, try phrasing it this way, "women are only in love with the way they THINK you make them feel". The reality is that you don't make them feel things. Their feelings come from their thoughts. You might trigger a thought, which might create a feeling, but you don't make the feeling happen. If you did, it would be much easier to make them happy!
The flip is true too... they don't cause your feelings. They just trigger thoughts which create feelings. And all of that means you have a lot more power over how you experience your future than you may realize :)
Great point...women are not really in it for the man at all....so it's never their fault...when things go wrong.
And it's to their credit when things go right.
Especially in the western world.
JFC
So I guess the man has to be all in it for the woman? Otherwise if he fails the woman (who doesn’t have to have any feelings) has the right to stomp off like she is the prize and men are just scum and tools for placing unnecessary blame. Does the woman have any responsibility in this??
@@drewwcreww4735 yes
This has genuinely been invaluable. I felt a peace over me that I haven't felt for a while. I suspected much of what you said but as I have been doubting myself so much recently I couldn't help but wonder if I was thinking it because maybe I am a terrible person. It has been incredibly difficult having all my attempts to have peace thrown in my face but now I understand what's going on. Thank you! I feel like
Hi Greg, it warms my heart to hear that this was so validating and helpful for you. You are not a terrible person (and neither is she). You and she both may have taken terrible actions out of fear, anger or pain, but those actions don’t define who you are unless you decide they do and give up your own agency in your life.
This can be a struggle to really feel on a deep level- our brains tend to get stuck in the ‘something is wrong with me’ mindset. If you find you’d like more support moving past that and taking control of your future, you’re welcome to book a consultation with me and we can see if we’re a good fit to work together. You can schedule either by email at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com or in my calendar here calendly.com/RachaelSloan/strategy
Same here. I realized, if my wife was kind to me like I always am to here, she would not need to divorce. Her self created hatred is her fuel to destroy it all
Rachel, First let me say THANK YOU! For 32 years my Ex has blamed me for all of her troubles. It was only 1 month ago she text me to only remind me how much she DISPISES ME, we're her words. Neither of us have remarried. I allow it to affect me most of the time. Her life is complete chaos. Her home looks like a warehouse, I could go on and on.
Sorry to hear bro. Stay up!✊🏾
Just stop talking to her. Period
I recommend a man who will help you get your ex back ❤❤❤❤
he was the man who brought my ex husband back 3 days ago without delay ❤🙏❤🙏
Send him a message by whatsapp.....❤❤❤
For 32 years of us both remaining single, my EX still hates my guts. Only a few weeks ago she text me out of the Blue to let me know she DISPISES me. This video makes complete sense to me! Thank you so much!!
Wow, Mark, she is holding onto anger and resentment after all those years... that makes me very sad for her. What a way to live your life. I'm sorry that you've had to continue to be confronted with that aggression as well, and I'm glad this video was helpful. How are you doing after all those years?
he was the man who brought my ex husband back 3 days ago without delay ❤🙏❤🙏
Send him a message by whatsapp.....❤❤❤
Mr. Mark, Maybe it might help if you give her a sincere apology for any wrongs you did and truly meant it, even if she is the one that "should" take that step.... Nothing but kind words and sincere apologies. Maybe she would apologize finally, or maybe after a little time afterwards. Either way, her acceptance or not, you would surely breath a little easier. I hate it for you brother!!! I do know how awful that can be, feeling guilty for causing so much hatefulness in someone's heart. I will guess since she did that out of the blue....to be mean to you, she still must have some kind of love for you or she would likely not have emotions either way toward you. How bad she must hurt carrying all that anger for so long. Each day must be a battle with her )-: and it can really all be fixed. When she is mean and hateful, show her kindness and love back, it sounds like she could really really use all of that anyone can give to her. It must be awful on her each day to bear so much anger. Maybe she just wants you to say it first? Even if no fault of yours y'all split the sheets, it would be soooo worth it if it helped either of you.
@@Jearl_Black No, just move on. Do not get pulled into her quicksand.
When I left her and keep going with my life she became crazy and started alienated from my kid and try to convince everyone around that I was a bad father…2 years later she still been a narcissist and we cannot comunicate like a normal exes!! This kind of situation break the pattern of have a normal life forever..is sad but it is like that…. My support for all the father that had been through this!!!
I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. If you're looking for deeper support, you might find Garry Junkhun's 100K Fathers a really good source. He is an amazing coach and he supports an incredible community of fathers whose ex wives are alienating them from their children. I did an interview with him for this channel - you can find it here- ruclips.net/video/d_5_rlXDFUU/видео.html and his contact info is there if that's something you might find helpful. Thank you for watching and for offering your support to the other fathers going through this.
I don’t go anywhere near my ex wife. My life has improved x10.
I was that mean ex. Now, 7+ years out, having come to terms with the fact that our marriage failed because of me deciding I wasn’t going to live in a loveless marriage, this video is so healing. When my ex had to deal with my hurtful, cruel words after our divorce, what a blow to him it must’ve been. I was such a shit! One day, my hope is that he can forgive me.
I bet he has (-: I finally this year, learned how to truly forgive mine and wow how great that burden was to leave in the dust!! I've been good to her for many years and she to me but now all is truly forgiven. I was not at all perfect, no way, but I sure did try the best I knew how. Boy did I have a lot of things to learn! Too late but still, I wanted to learn . We were both just kids. She come by often as she can at my shop with our grandbabies and still will snap at me easily ....I smile and say yeah....there she is ...there's the mean one I like so much. She will laugh and tell me I'm still a mess and that's the end of that lol. That poor girl has been through hell and back and eat by a grizzly and shit off a cliff....a harsh word to her will never pass my lips again, I'll never forgive myself for the things I said when she left me. Because she no longer loved me, I said some awful things to her. I know now she did not leave me or hurt me just to cause pain, nor to be hateful yo me. I know that now. As bad as it hurt seeing her leave that day, months later divorce papers.....and that hurt all over again....what hurt the very most though, was how mean she was to me still after all that. Years later and I always asked, sometimes through a teary set of eyes, why? Why are you so mean to me? I honestly and genuinely wanted to understand so I could "fix" it. Mam', I'm sure your ex feels soooo many times better that you are no longer hateful to him. I know how he must of truly felt and it sucks. It must been really hard for you to admit this! It made me tell this truth for the first time for what it's worth, thank you very much!!!
You didn't live in a loveless marriage, you were loveless. You are not capable of loving another. I guarantee he loved you, you were just not capable of recognizing it, nor will you ever be. You wanted to use him and then eat him alive. That is your nature. You are a black widow spider. There's your peace in truth. Accept it. Lol you won't accept it.
Nicely done video. Clear, stays on point, and balanced for men and women. I was an active male dater and married late (34 yo), so it was important for me to develop a framework to cope with the relationships that came and went during the dating/courting process. Two principles sustained me: 1. Fault is irrelevant in relationships. It is about each party assuming complete and absolute responsibility for their situation. Period. No explanations and no qualifiers allowed. 2. Relationships don’t fail. They simply end. By embracing these principles one is empowered by taking complete responsibility and relationships ending is not personal failure. It is simply not the long-term relationship you were looking for. Assigning fault is a fool’s errand and is self-destructive behavior with no benefits. Note that the principle of absolute responsibility applies to EVERYTHING in your life. It is the single most liberating life principle I have found. I hope this provides some constructive thought for those
I’ve been in a cycle for so long. You have no idea how much this has helped me.
Does this ever end?
My ex threatens legal action anytime I do something she doesn’t like. Like taking my kids to church or doing any work on myself by saying “I was trying to be friends but then you did.. blank” I have such a bad one dudes. I hope you’re all doing well out there.
Don't ever give in to her or give up on your kids.
Abuser, she shouĺd have 0 custody
Thank you so much for this video. My wife moved out unexpectedly (while I was at work) about 2 months ago. She has filed for a divorce immediately. She refuses to talk to me so everything has to go through a solicitor.
It is the third time she has left in this way since we got together 20 years ago.
She is accusing me of being narcissistic and I have been questioning myself on this and thinking how terrible I must have been for her to do this to me. I am currently on antidepressants and I'm seeing a psychologist, who thinks I do not show enough of the signs of having a narcissistic personality disorder, but also thinks my wife shows signs of Borderline Personality Disorder (she has left 5 jobs in the last 10 years in similar circumstances as well as abandoning friends and family members in the same way).
Listening to this has really helped me to understand why she is being this way. I love her so much and want her back desperately. I don't know if I can put myself through this again though - not that I have a choice at the moment.
Wow, Paul, I'm so sorry to hear that. How are you doing? Do you have a good support system around you?
Sounds like my marriage buddy. So similar. It gets better. I'm here if you need me brother
Hi. I'm living day by day. I can't think about the future because the future without my wife is so painful. I don't want to live in the house we bought together but I don't want to lose everything we have worked so hard to build up.
At the moment I am in an impossible situation. Together, we could move on. Even splitting up together wouldn't be as bad because I'd know that I had tried everything. I think we could work it out though. Without being able to talk to her, I'll never know.
I have written so many letters and not sent them. I am constantly thinking of what I can do. The answer isn't coming though. The only thing I can think of is to take a leap of faith. Do the things she wants. Sell the house. Accept the divorce. Give her everything she wants. If I do that though, I run the risk of losing everything and then I really will have nothing. If it works, I get my wife back who I love deeply and hopefully, this won't happen again.
At the end of the day, I'm still here and I'm still fighting!
@@The_Emerald_Viking Thank you. It means a lot to know there are people out there who know what I'm going through.
@Paul Cartlidge No problem, brother. Its scarey how many of us have gone through almost an identical situation. All the way down to being accused of being a narcissist. Keep your head up man.
I've been divorced now almost 3 years - and about a year in to our divorce, my ex would text me saying things that she never liked about me in our marriage - she should have never let me play with the band on the weekends even though that was income for us - and I was not there to find someone else - I did it for the love of music and playing - but it would be this and other things designed to create a reaction from me. So one day I responded when dropping the girls off to her place: "I really don't wish to get in any more arguments with you. We are divorced and I am moving on. For the sake of our children I would like to keep a cordial relationship. I hope you feel the same." Since then she has been much better and less mean. So, hopefully I made some progress here : )
Patrick, thank you for sharing that. Setting those boundaries and being clear about your intentions sounds like it was really effective with your ex wife. Maybe you'll inspire her to let some of the past go as well, for your children's sake if not for her own. That's not an easy thing to say, and I imagine your words will inspire some others watching here.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Hi Racheal - thanks! - so many men (a few of my close friends included) really struggled after their divorces - i love to help when i can, especially when you are going through the same thing. My ex has gotten much better thankfully - the mean streaks have happened less but now a new development - i have met someone - I don't know where it's going yet - but it looks really promising. I told her yesterday and she freaked out - which honestly really, really surprised me. But here we are.
I've tried this multiple times with my ex wife. I'm hoping someday I get the same response.
I'm also guilty of responding to her cruel behavior by playing her game. Everytime I'm at my lowest and I would ask for some reprieve, considering, decency, or help, she would use it as another opportunity to kick ne while I'm down. So I responded back to her in a way that I thought I wasn't taking her sh!t anymore and standing up for myself. All that did and does is fuel the fire. I just recently realized this and that no matter how hard I try I'll never appease or live up to her expectations and regardless of how much I try to be respectful and explain to her how much unnecessary pain shes causing or get so mad that I call her out and ne rude back to her, nothing is going to change. I'll never be able to change her behavior and I can only control mine. So not to be completely walked over all the time I just started saying no. No to her unreasonable expectations, requests, or engagement. It's all I can do at this point.
@@jonnyhammerstix1535 you are going about it the right way and i wish you all the best - going through a divorce is difficult as is - no matter if it's amicable or not - navigating post divorce, especially with kids, can be even more challenging. It's definitely a process. But yes, my ex was really quite mean the first year or two, playing on my weaknesses - it's much better now that i started standing up for myself.
My ex wife and I divorced this Jan after a long 8 year marriage. We have two kids together that we share custody of so I see my ex daily during pickups and drop offs. She is so argumentative with me. For even the littlest things. I could say its cloudy outside and she'd say no its partly sunny... When she does this to me it really gets me upset because it feels like an attack out of nowhere. The part where you said to change my reaction really resonates with me. Its definitely something I want to work on. Its just so hard when it comes out of thin air. Its gotten to the point where I have to give myself a pep talk in the car before I drop the kids off to her. I just tell myself to expect something mean from her and not let it get to me. Its so dang hard tho...
Stop the Contact….Save Your Self Drop off at a point your are Not by your self…..A Official of some kind And Do NOT talk to her ….
at All …..correspondence through a third party. GO NO CONTACT….. 🏴😎
Because she’s tired of being gaslit. Direct language isn’t mean. It he’s mean then he can stay feeling like a victim. God forbid a woman have boundaries
If she’s mean-sorry auto correct. Or she’s not being mean and keeps trying to stay focused on one issue at a time. Hey here’s an idea he can read some books on conflict resolution like I did and go to therapy like I do-but I guess you wouldn’t be divorced then. There’s no reason you can’t do things like coworkers and just be professional. It’s not rocket science.
Therapy is for females, men don't need to talk through their emotions. You're justifying female abusers, we need to change the laws so women who act like this go through the criminal justice system, because it's abuse
My soon to be ex wife told me 6 months ago that she didn't love me anymore, and doesn't want to learn how to again; on day 1 of therapy.
I walked away.
We begun our divorce process and I now have moved on.
To spite me, the ex , turned my entire family against me and now is doing everything her power to either hold me emotionally hostage to her dred or have me alienate.
Interaction is impossible with out her getting jabs in.
I've learned to keep things calm with myself and not stoop to level.
I've learned that everything that " is wrong with me " I just a projection of her own insecurities.
I've moved on, started a new family but she still makes it near impossible for me to share anything with me other then spite or resentment.
I am happy now , I know her feelings are no longer my responsibility but, I still care about the mother of my children.
I hope she finds happiness, for our children's sake. I was attached to that misery, I don't want my children to be manipulated into either.
I'm glad to hear that you've found your path forward and have been able to move on. Could you share what was the most helpful for you in that process? What worked that you would recommend to others in a similar situation?
the percentage of women who do this is so high i have no desire to be in another relationship. i fancy my peace of mind.
I hear ya.. I see through the woman I meet and it's not a pretty picture. Sometimes I feel like I am putting myself in a cage of my own making and it's sad. But I'm working through it.
@@m998hmmwv7 same here. Once you go through this once, it changes the way you look at relationships
Wow she hit it right on the head. Exactly what goes on.
Thank you! And thanks for watching.
Hard truth men. Wanting her back or even begging her back just makes it worse. Politely say bye and move on. Work out. Get good job. Get nice things like a house a business. Learn some game and talk to some women. That’s your plan from now on. If you want to marry get married again if you want to play around do as you please. And never take women seriously. They run on emotions.
How I dealt with it is to accept her meanness. In the 12 years we have been divorced and the end of our co parenting duties are about to be fulfilled, she has made a couple of nice gestures. Examples are sending links to the kids school photos. Simply saying "Thank you" After complying with a court order. My response has been "No nice words from you! Ever! Be the mean person your are! Don't you ever thank me for anything ! Ever! Keep it formal and businesslike or be mean but don't ever be nice! Ever!" This threw her into an emotional tizzy going so far as to report me to the court. The court laughed her off responding that most men complain of the women being harsh.
Heading towards divorce after 18 years of marriage. It was a bad marriage overall that involved physical & emotional abuse. The thing is we married & had kids very young & we both tried very hard to make things work when we probably should have both walked away.
So after 2021 which was arguably the worst year of our lives ( two deaths in the family months apart & health problems ) my wife lashed out on me & told me she wanted a divorce. I immediately recognized that she changed & wasn’t the loving wife that I knew at the time. Turns out she has been cheating on me with multiple men & was living a secret life that I wasn’t aware of. She used things that happened 6-12 years ago against me even though I thought that we had already come to terms with & worked out.
So now here I am all alone, she has already moved on with another man & has already introduced my kids to another man & it hurts so bad. Everyday for the past two weeks I have cried & cried missing my wife & trying to accept what has happened. Ever since she separated from me she has treated me very nasty & I caught her in so many lies it’s like she’s not even the same person anymore.
Back in 2016 after she walked out on me with the kids bc I was a abusive alcoholic I knew I had to change. I cried out to God who convicted me & revealed to me that I was destroying my marriage & my family. I immediately stopped drinking & surrendered my addiction to God but the guilt & shame I felt was overwhelming. Between the withdraw from alcohol & the shame it was too much. Eventually we had our hearing in court ( she placed a protective order against me ) & both my wife & the judge saw that I made the right decision to change my life for my family. I remember driving home from the hearing crying tears of joy bc my family was a new man for my family & that God changed me from being a nasty abusive drunk. This was in 2016 & I never went back to drinking ever again.
I remember this one day soon after my wife & I were driving & she confessed to me that she was so happy that I changed my ways & that she didn’t want to throw away half her life of marriage with me & that she was committed to me as long as I didn’t turn back to my bad ways.
Fast forward 6 years later & used all of that stuff against me & threw it in my face to excuse her disgusting behavior. It hurts bc I know I have caused her & my family a great deal of pain in the past but when you made the changes to own up you still carry the burden & shame, especially when they weaponize it against you. Sorry for so long & agree we were both in this together. It’s just a shame, wish I would have never hurt her or my kids the way I did.
I'm pretty certain my ex wife is the bad guy, since she slept around and left me for her long term affair partner. I admit I'm not perfect either.
She is excellent at playing the victim and triggering sympathy. She had me fooled for almost 10 years so I can't be mad at people for seeing me as the bad person. Heck i sometimes fall back in the trap myself again, then later have to remind myself of the cruell things she's done in the past and react by being confrontational in defending my boundaries, which to her and the people around her make me the bad guy again.
I tell myself that I have no influence on what she tells other people about me and what these people believe is not. But it is exhausting sometimes.
We have 2 children together so I have to remain in contact.
I'm working to letting it go but some days are bad like today. That's how I got to your video. You are correct in that my mental image of her is as a bad person. It's hard to let that go after years of manipulation and being humiliated.
Sorry for the rant
Sometimes rants are necessary. It sounds like you've been through the wringer, and ranting might be just what you need.
I find that forgiveness or letting go usually can't happen if you have a lot of pent up resentment and anger. Those emotions need some space first!
Acknowledging and validating those feelings can help you work through them. There are also ways to let go and move on for your own sake without condoning her actions.
If you'd like more support around this, feel free to book a consultation call. We can look in more detail at your specific needs and if I think I can help I'll explain how we can go in a step by step fashion through what you're feeling to get to a place where she doesn't continue to suck so much of your energy.
You can view my calendar and book a call here: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy or email me directly at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
I'm sorry...but if this is true...its utter Bullshit. These women arent babies or children. They think for themselves and arent stupid. It's not hard to recognize when u hurt someone and co thinking to do so or shift the blame is a lack of accountability. Not recognizing that or maybe actually recognizing that fact and still choosing to be difficult and be cruel, is just being a bad human being. Plain and simple. A good person isnt going to cause another pain that they share a special past with just to try and convince themselves they are the good guy. It makes no sense no matter what way u spin it. An Ex wife or husband isn't a job or former friend. It's so much more. So the analogy just doesnt sell. If they act this way. These woman are proving they care only about themselves and live for that moment and not the long run. You just dont treat someone like dirt. ESPECIALLY if you know u have already hurt them. It makes you a sociopath.
@@jasonx-ray3921 calling them children or babies takes away their accountability. Which they most certainly need to have. These females are adults...and should be treated as such. Which is whybit makes their lack of accountability so rediculous.
You hit the nail on the head! Great stuff
I appreciate you and this posting Rachael!! 👍
I understand what kind of person I am and my abilities. How she projects me is another, especially to our kiddos. No matter sticking to my guns as they say and my kiddos will understand this also if they don’t already. I just let her say and/or do what she likes but in the back of my mind I’m still who I am and she will never change this about me. Understanding we’re not bad people making good decisions but good people making bad decisions.
🍻
Women initiates because they are confident that system is biased in their favor.
IT actually is biased in their favor.
I’ve changed my music a few years ago, fine tuning it as I go, but my ex wife always pulls power play after power play when it comes to our six year old daughter. Scheduling things in advance on my time to steal time with our daughter. I’m usually accommodating to her inquiries, but she only tries to take her more and more. And when something comes up where I would want my daughter for an extended amount of time, my ex desires even more time as payment. If I say no, she will mentally attack and manipulate the situation in her favor. I’m actually scared of her. She manipulated me into handing over all the furniture, paying off her car, and giving in to her wanting primary custody of our daughter. Every time I battle her over something, she wins, manipulating EVERYONE around her. Now, I fear that her goal is to make me more absent from my daughter’s life until one day my daughter would decide to live solely with my ex. I want to fight, but to this new tune, so that I can be this better version of myself but not be a pushover. I’m struggling with this so bad.
Sorry for the rant. This has been on my mind a lot lately.
It sounds like you need to do more than change your music. Your ex wife is intimidating and threatening you to keep you and your daughter apart. Just from what you've written I think there's at least two areas of inner work that would be highly beneficial to you - the first is to explore and vanquish your fear of your ex wife so she can't control you anymore, and the second is to practice a specific set of communication strategies to stand up for yourself and your child without triggering her into becoming defensive or aggressive.
If you'd like support and guidance to do that, let's get on the phone and talk to see if you're a good fit for coaching. You can book a free consultation with me at calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy or email me at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
No. Forget the "music". Get a lawyer... yesterday! and preferably a female attack dog. she has big plans for your future and your relationship with your daughter. and they ain't good. Trust me. Best of luck. hang tough. be strong for your daughter BC she needs you.
What do you do when this person is the one you had a child with? I have a 2 year old son, she’s been cold, distant, at times ignores me completely when I want to talk with her about important things. She just seems like she just wants everything to fail. Idk what to do… she’s a good mom at least, but she’s a terrible communicator.
I will never stop hating my ex, what's her name ?
Thank you, Rachel. You brought some clarity to why my wife is being so mean to me.
Best wat to survive divorce is to not even bother getting married in the first place. If we haven't learned this by now we're stupid.
Hi Josi, thanks for watching. I feel your frustrations... and I take it that you did get married? And that's why you're watching this?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Actually I think that you did a good job on the video. The video appeared in my feed. There is a lot of divorce in my family and I've seen a lot with coworkers etc. Thankfully I was able to live vicariously through them and avoided the issue.
She has buyer's remorse with Chad. She left her husband for Chad, and she's finding out it was just a pump and dump now she's bitter. Women never are happy if you make a decision for them, they're not happy. They make their own decision and they're not happy. Stay single men. It's not worth it.The juice isn't worth the squeeze
I agree with the concept of dealing with issues you mentioned. Interactions and communication are the key.
my ex wife wouldnt even acknowledge me nor our dog we got together when bumping into her by chance, from a distance, but she saw us, a month after she blocked me everywhere
I'm glad my ex wife filed a divorced 4years ago. Today she never told me that our daughter's have doctors appointment. And the clinic called me to confirm the appointment. Am like no idea for that doc appt. I have my daughter mon to thursday. And shes with me. Texted the ex wife and too much reply defense her self. So im just calm and replied thumbs up👍. I dont want to engage drama anymore. I moved on. But unfortunately some kind of scenario will poked our exes. Life is good. Ignore the ex gents. Lol
Great information! Love the Spy vs Spy graphic at 1:12...Awesome
Thanks Ron! I appreciate you watching and taking the time to comment.
Great video! Been learning so much from this channel! Thanks Rachel.
This is why women if they have kids most should do a surrogate. You can dis attach from the donnor and have full autonomy over their child. You can see your child as yours
Rob the child of a father so they can have full autonomy? That's child abuse. Abuse by definition is using someone for your own ends without regards to the harms it causes them. Child abuse
I am mean to my husband he was an ass. He wasted my time my life and lied and is dating the mistress and bringing my kids to meet her.
If he dated a new person i would be cool but him and his bully... no i am sightlently seething at the level of disrespect. I hope him an his she is okay to have 3some thot get what they have coming to them via karma
Mind you i am very sightlent most of the time I just don't talk. Told him the whold making my kids befriend and enemy thing is the bigest insult to me as a mom not to mention he already disrespected me.
The added insult in really deplorable.
Having kids with your enemy unbeknownst to you is the worst thing that can happen to a women
I so understand why women are no longer birthing so.many ungrateful disrespectful men.
I have tried co-parenting since the beginning of the divorce. My ex will not communicate in any way shape or form. My son and I get along great but she wound up turning my teenage daughter against me. All the way to the point where even when I scheduled a meeting with the college counselor at her high school she told my daughter not to go? When my daughter was briefly talking to me and I took her driving she went the wrong way down a one-way street. In the very little communication I have with my ex she told me that my daughter did the same thing with her. I said she wasn't ready for her license what is my ex do goes and gets her license cuz it's against what I had asked for. Took my kid to Mexico didn't give me an address of where they were going I can go on and on. I did everything for this person paid for everything gave her roses all the time was as nice as I can be but to quote Bill Murray from the film meatballs it just doesn't matter
My husband’s ex is trying to sue him to get more alimony even divorce was complete in Canada.( she is polish and back to Poland).
Whatever she wants to do let her do because we found she spent all of alimony which she got already.That’s very much not smart and she seems like holding unbelievable debt.
Mine absolutely hates me because she wanted a divorce and thought she would move away to be with another man and take my kids. NOPE, I fought for my kids and won. Now she is a complete mess with no job and a man who fully funds her life. Now this woman has 2 college degrees but I guess she chose a man over her kids. Sorry that I’m just a firefighter and he is multi-millionaire, but I got our kids so she can just get over it.
Hey Michael, thanks for sharing your experience. How are you doing? Are you finding that now that you've won the custody case you're able to move on and find some happiness yourself, or are you getting stuck somewhere along the way?
You are legend, and you behold honor.
makes total sense , this applies to my current marriage of 28yrs.
My soon to be ex wife has been cheating on me for the past 10 months
She is currently doing everything possible to rub my nose in it
We have 4 kids and she is also neglecting them something horrible .
I'm stressing out over this because I'm not talking negatively to the kids I am trying to not engage . But it is getting hard not to
It's extremely hard I need this to be over
moral of the story she’s going to be mean deal with it.
Don’t get remarried if you got divorced once you are it is very likely to get a divorced again..
Great video, sent to my friend who is dealing with this.
That's wonderful, thank you!
Im even afraid to comment bcos my ex once brought my social media comment to court and the female judge was swayed 😮
Stumbled up on this, thinking of repairing my relationship in the midst of a high conflict divorce and really nasty allegations... IDK 1 year since we don't live together, 2 year old son, she has another man, we're are soon going to court... Saying all of this, I must be dumb right, we don't really talk, she wants as little contact as possible...
I think she’s so mean because she believes I wasted her youth and that she would have had a much better life if we didn’t get married.
I’m going through this right now. Our anniversary was to be tomorrow. She is now slandering me and hateful. For two years I tried to get her back. I am at work in mental pain
Hi Bobby, I hope you had some friends or family to support you on that hard day. Do you have some good support systems in your life as you go through this?
Sometimes it is what it is. I’ve learned to ignore the verbal attacks now divorced and when I did they stopped coming. When it’s a commitment for better or worse and one completely gives up…their not bad i guess but just a quitter and probably have signs of quitting throughout their life
Do some people try to break their feelings with anger. I saw my dad fight our neighbor who was bigger than him and i askef my dad if he was scared and he said you can use anger to overcome fear
One is disrespectful, the other one is mean and disrespectful.
Basically it mean men be the adult, let her be the victim and accept your role as the asshole and the evil one... You cant win gentleman, peace, freedom and quiet, take care of yourself body, mind, money and peace... Use them for entertainment purposes only in a respectful manner, tell them you dont want anything serious you just want good time and have fun, no string attach... Shes not ssying nothing in that video but basically men accept, be the adult, accept her dellusions and move on...
Great title and helped a lot.
Maybe some strategies on how to heal that with her…?
That's an interesting topic... yes, I will do a video around it. For now I can offer you this - Meanness is part of a fight response. Human beings don't go into fight/flight unless they feel threatened.
I'm not saying it's your fault that she feels threatened. It is probably a lot more about her - what she thinks, the story she tells herself, the people and community she surrounds herself with, etc.
What I am saying is that she will probably be mean until/unless she feels really safe with you.
The best way I know to help someone feel safe is to resist the urge to join them in fight/flight. That means staying calm, not taking it personally, speaking slowly, quietly and gently, repeating their words to help them feel heard and generally inviting them to calm down with you, just like you might speak to a frightened and aggressive dog.
There is a principle in NLP that says, "The goal of all communication is the outcome."
Someone in fight/flight loses access to the more clear headed, rational parts of their brain. Logical discussion and problem solving really cannot happen in this state.
So the only rational goal of communication with someone in fight/flight is to help them calm down. Then they become capable of logical discussion and problem solving, and communication can happen on another level.
Super interesting topic... tricky with an ex wife because you have limited interactions with her and she is likely resistant to working through it. I'll think about it and do a video with more detail. Thank you for watching and for asking this question!
Great video, you make some fantastic points that I have never heard before. Much appreciated!!
Thanks Jay! I appreciate you watching and commenting.
I loved my wife completely.
She felt the same about me.
Her mother changed after our son was born. Said I never was and never will be a part of her family. She threatened my wife of desertion if she didn't come back to her and bring her our son. That was 7 years ago. Our family was destroyed. She was going to flee with them both. Attorneys said I had to divorce her to stop them. I was still trying to save our family. When they got the notice they couldn't leave they've both wanted me dead ever since. I got joint custody but they continously with hold my son. This time it's been 4 months. The stress has me fighting cancer. No money. I'm 57. Our boy is 7. He knows 2 things. His dad has always cared for his mom and his mom hates his daddy. He's now being brainwashed to turn from me too. I'm devastated 💔
I’m so sorry. Prayers for you.
I'm so sorry to hear this. Do you have any emotional support as far as a therapist or coach goes? I know it might sound like the least of your problems... but intolerable, frightening and overwhelming emotions have powerful physical impacts, as it sounds like you are experiencing when you write that the stress has you fighting cancer.
There are therapists who practice Emotionally Focused Therapy who might be able to help you process and cope with the devasting emotions. You can find a list of them here: iceeft.com/
You may also find these books helpful:
Full Body Presence by Suzanne Scurlock-Durana (includes some great guided audio meditations)
Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine (how to work with and heal trauma in the body)
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach
Thank you for this.
Considering that my son is depending on me surviving,
Even though he doesn't know it,
And even though through all the pain I'm in a good place mentally.
I have to be.
My son is being taught to forget his dad. And that I need to be gone Permanently.
Once I'm healthy and back to work even our anti-father family court system should at least consider MORE THAN JUST MAKE UP DAYS.
Thank you so much for these resources.
@@southernyards2152 You're welcome. Your son is lucky to have you, even if he doesn't know it now and may not know it for a number of years, I can hear how committed you are and how much you love him.
I hope the resources help.
And I know nothing of your legal situation, however I have had a few clients who really struggled with the courts around custody, and I've learned that your attorney can make a HUGE difference. If you haven't already, it might be worthwhile to explore or at least interview a few different options. I'm saddened and surprised by how many attorneys are, frankly, not that good. When it comes to custody filing the right paperwork at the right time can make all the difference.
I wish you the very best. What you're up against is not easy. I had one family law attorney recently describe our court system as "archaic" and I think she's right in many circumstances.
No matter what happens in court, the love you have for you son is going to shine through, even if it takes until he's an adult. As a child of divorce myself, it took me, honestly, until I was in my 20's to really appreciate my father and his love for me. I hope you and your son reach each other long before then.
I am sorry for your troubles.
You just explained my ex girlfriend brilliantly....thank you
Hi Rodney,
Thanks for watching. I'm glad you found the video helpful! How are you doing?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I'm doing great thanks. On the road to recovery.
Its never about you and its never about them.
Thank you, this is really good information. I appreciate your post.
You're welcome. Thanks for being a part of this RUclips community and watching my videos. I'm glad this one was helpful.
I clicked on this and glad I did. On year one of divorce. So many conflicted feelings being like 80% of women who initiate divorce. I am left wondering exactly what happened. So my question is: if no one is to blame and no one is "the a-hole" then who other than God Himself can say where fault lays and what to learn from it. Because, whether we like to admit or not, someone was definitely the greater a-hole which means selfishness and not loving. For me, I see now that men are in love and women are in business.
Edit. I am the husband who was left with three kids.
Hi Moxie Mike, thanks for watching and commenting. I'm glad you found it interesting.
I understand the desire to see where fault lays so that it can be learned from. Unfortunately more often than not I see people trying to define who is the bigger a-hole in order to absolve themselves of guilt, not to learn or grow. However, if learning and growing really is the goal, then some degree of 'fault' lays with both parties. It has to, because the relationship is between two people, both of whom are responsible for its success.
Trying to define who was the bigger a-hole is just another way of saying, "my perspective is the right one, and for the relationship to work the other person needs to see it my way." That's relationship cryptonite.
You say women are in business and men in love... more often I think women are in fear and men are in denial (of their own emotions, primarily). Unfortunately I think societal norms and social conditioning teaches us to be this way. It makes it easy for men to dismiss women as 'incapable of love' without ever understanding what their wives were actually feeling, and it makes it easy for women to dismiss men as 'emotionally unavailable' without ever understanding the immense pressure many men feel to be a strong, stoic protector and provider.
I'm sorry that you're going through this, and your kids as well. I hope that in your own healing you can find space and honest reflection that allows you to enjoy healthy connections and relationships, and not give in to the simpler but ultimately more painful path of rejecting an entire gender to avoid facing difficult emotions or deeply ingrained patterns.
Divorce between the pair is happening because someone isn't getting their needs met. When you marry, the intention is to death do us part. When that reality is derailed, it turns a persons heart bitter. It's a deep hurt that sometimes never heals with many wounds.
Am i a complete idiot for wanting her back? It's been a year that we are separated now...
There is a good and bad person. When wife is cruel for no valid reason, she is the bad
My dad's second wife falsely accused him of killing their cat before she divorced him
When she knew coyotes had killed the neighbors cat 2 weeks before.
Four years since I gave her divorce, due to her stubbornness, spoilfulness, arrogance but most of all she tried to kill herself by accusing me of things I never did, filed a suit against me, disrespected me amongst friends, beacuse of her I don't have any, finally I won the suit after 4 long years, she got married to someone, I also got married & have kids, what do you suggest I should do, I never took any action against her but she doesn't seem to let go. What do you suggest I should do
Thanks so much for sharing this information
Good video. Very true, very well said. As I said in a comment to another video, I dealt with this problem by learning about Non-violent communication, and putting those techniques into practice. Everything you said here is true, I just related to it differently dealing with the end of my marriage.
I love that approach. What was the most powerful lesson/strategy or mindset from non-violent communication for you?
Cheers love,best advice I’ve ever had!!,big love from Manchester😘
Thanks Paul!!
Yes, but if someone is being that way, how am I supposed to address that behaviour?
Hi Peter, that's a good question. The reality is that there is very little you can do to change someone else's behavior. You can try. You can ask them to change. You can also set boundaries for yourself and remove yourself from conversations or exchanges with them if they engage in certain behaviors.
But if you focus your efforts on changing their actions, you're going to be frustrated and anxious because you're trying to control something that is outside of your control.
The far more effective path is to stay in your own lane and control what you can control - how you think and feel, whether or not you take their words/actions personally and how you respond.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I thank you for taking the time to give me a helpful reply.
Its hard when kids are involved
Should I send her this video?!
07:14 Are you sure it's always a wound?
because when I was married, and she said something "insulting" like (she's my grandma she can tell me I've became skinny, but "who are you" to agree with her and tell the same?) or (laughs at you during an argument when you tell her that all what you are trying to do is build a family)...
I don't think that triggers any wound. It's just that these words shouldn't come from someone who's supposed to consider you. it's like a shock!
The only problem why you get in a fight is that a sentence or two are not enough to say goodbye "yet". When it became more frequent, I walked away.
It is shocking! Someone who is supposed to care about and love you is being cruel. That's a hard thing to make sense of.
It's been my experience that anger and aggression are secondary to pain or fear. I don't know your ex, and I can't explain what was happening in her brain. I can tell you that I've worked with a number of men and women who have said and done things they look back on with great shame, including physical and verbal abuse.
When we look at their past actions with curiosity and compassion, we always (in my experience) find a reason for their cruelty. It doesn't make it okay, it doesn't justify it and it doesn't mean that their partners should have stayed. But it does mean that they are still human, not inexplicable monsters out to cause harm for no reason whatsoever.
That's why I mention the wounding. I have not yet met someone whose unkind actions weren't some form of conscious or subconscious protection. Sometimes that protection backfires, hurting them and isolating them more than it protects them.
Either way, it sounds like you made a good decision for yourself. Even if you understand someone's actions it doesn't mean you have to like them or stick around to receive them.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thanks for the feedback.
I was talking about "my own" angry reactions when I was talked to that way. I don't think they show any wound (if that's a wound, what's normality then?). because I wouldn't leave a marriage at the 1st disrespectful remark, but I wouldn't neither let it look like it was nothing (furthermore, I don't do weak responses like "honey, I don't like what you just said..." when I just had been disrespected. I react exactly the same if not worse. but I never initiate. tough but fair)
Yes I walked away after the umpteenth scandal, i talked seriously about divorce, "2 weeks" (that's too short) later she was already approaching someone else, so i left "for good". Till that moment I was doing (not feeling) great with my actions.
BUT she brought me back with a fake pregnancy (I understood later that it was the 2nd fake pregnancy aiming to win something) then, after tumultuous episodes of lies and manipulations during 3 months, she was the one who cut the contact first.
she denied the cheating, but I'm sure she was cheating/preparing the future while keeping me busy with lies maybe as a plan C or D.
the analysis i did 2 years ago led me to believe "objectively" she has BPD (80% passionate love, 20% "extreme" drama revealed more after the wedding)
Both of my ex wives are very mean! The last divorce was really hard for me! She got what she wanted so say! She wanted a divorce, she got the house,so why your still mad!? She told me she settled for me! So you think another man is better than your husband! Now your available for the streets of better men so you say! You shouldn't be mean anymore! If she claims she's happy why doesn't she speak?
Most women will never take responsibility for anything.
I hear what she's saying but this isn't my lived experience at all. I've moved on from jobs for new opporutnites and in nearly every single instance I parted ways as friends with my former boss/coworkers. In fact, I can't think of a time when I left a job for another opportunity and left on bad terms. Nearly all of my friendships that "ended" only ended because the relationship fizzled out due to geography, time, and life pulling us in other directions and we just lost touch. Very rarely have I had a friendship end because of something nefarious done to me. Again, this is a woman trying to justify the bad behaviors of other women who decide to blow up their families no good reason. At the end of the day, there is an asshole and there is a good guy in a divorce. The asshole is the one who didn't have the streght of character and courage to uphold the most solemn vow they ever took, and the good guy is the other party. That is self evident and probably the reason why so many women carry so much guilt and shame for going nuclear on their family because "they just weren't into it anymore."
Yes there is a bad guy....if you attack a psychological construct of someone instead of the content of their message...then you are the bad guy
You could certainly make that argument! Although that would probably make pretty much everyone a bad guy since the human brain naturally creates said psychological constructs and the vast majority of people aren't even aware its happening :)
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach there is ultimate good/bad in a well-organized family-oriented society. Justinnaylor9851 is making a strong point. "Moral Relativism" destroys our social underpinnings. The current crisis our country is going thru right now, reflects that fact. Thanks. 😇
i am still treated like that asshole nearly 14 years after I divorced her and calls me a worthless father. I wasn't the one that was having affairs and during our marriage. I try to be nice for my child sake but I still treated like a outsider. Thankfully my child is graduating this year and after that she can't use me for 22% of my income every year
This means she's crazy .
So women are just subconsciously cruel? I think many are totally aware they are being abusive and unfair they simply do not care because all men are terrible right?
Facts
Men don't match your ex negative energy. Do what we always do, hold ourselves accountable and move on. Guys often thrive after divorce. Trust me move on.
Thank you 🇺🇸🫡✊🏿
227 likes and a few comments after a year…. clearly not a popular video…. Although this is the truth -- as much as I don’t want to hear it not (my ex just screwed me over again last night)…. being emotionally intelligent and developing your responses and triggers is the only way forward…. thanks for this reminder again today!!!
I'm glad the reminder was timely for you, thank you for watching and for being open to hearing the message of this video. You're right, it is not an easy one to hear. The brain likes to step into the painful comfort of being a victim, yet if we stay there we surrender the future to the past, and that is simply not worth it, in my opinion at least.
❤❤ appreciate this esp coming from a woman
love this video!