Hey everyone hope this was helpful! Leave me a comment with your thoughts? Be sure to check out my brand new masterclass on the 3 Steps to Heal Yourself after a Toxic Relationship Ends (Warning: Spots are limited) 🗒 Here is the link to the MASTERCLASS! -> www.healyourheart.school/webinar 🎁 Download the FREE GUIDE! -> www.healyourheart.school/guide 💕 Apply For Heal Your Heart School Here! www.healyourheart.school/call
Core values for Compatibility: Safety (are you able to be authentic) Integrity (do the right thing when alone) Consistency (reliable) Transparency (able to share anything without fear of judgement) Accountability (able to have adult conversations) Self awareness (emotionally intelligent) Core values for Chemistry: Self care (good hygiene) Presentation (humbleness) Intimacy awareness (able to read the room) Good sense of humor (knows how to relax)
I was recently dating a guy who did all those things you said. I actually thought he was emotionally unavailable because he was taking things so slow and didn’t seem to want to talk about anything personal to deeply. We dated for 2 1/2 months. Now I’m questioning whether he was emotionally unavailable or just taking a healthy approach to dating.
Amy Kerr I love your content. So full of information and advice. I’ve no idea why you’ve not got more subscribers. Thank you for sharing all your knowledge.
Super interesting. An emotionally available person will be open/available to discussion so that questions like this don't go unanswered, so remember to ask all the questions and communicate if you ever have any doubts!
Just dropping a comment here as someone with ADHD, not all of these red flags are on purpose. I am looking for a healthy relationship, I just share stuff too easily and love connecting on deeper topics for example. It is extra fun when I date people with ADHD because then we both do that shit
This is crazy coincidence. Currently dating a guy like this and I thought it was red flags but after talking to him and seeing this it makes sense why other relationships didn’t work. I’m accustomed to red flag people therefore I have modeled this behavior. Whoa! I really need to work On myself and relearn behaviors. Thank you 🙏🏼
Incorrect. It's all the disinhibition that online has shoved down everyones throat the last 16 years or so. People get to know you incrementally over time.
@@jessicahitchens6926 I'm pretty sure you misread my post. If the first thing he wants to get to know is your womb, I'd say he probably doesn't give a crap about the rest of you.
Being secure and having a realistic sense of self is super important. For me it's the no.1 thing I look out for. If the person can't even objectively assess themselves & their mistakes, it will be difficult for them to overcome struggles in their life
It's important to keep in mind that for an avoidant person their boundaries mean that you will be dismissed and undervalued and then if you try to tell them that they've hurt you they will discard you. Their boundaries are unhealthy. Healthy boundaries should be respected but unhealthy boundaries are simply toxic and therefore need to be either addressed or it's time to move on.
Absolutely - healthy boundaries invite respect and authenticity. But just because you set a boundary doesn’t mean the person has to follow them. Them not observing your boundary tells you all you need to know about how they feel about you.
It's called crossing boundaries at the early stage. It has nothing to do with avoidance or avoidant attachment style. People use this crap to cross boundaries and to undermine. Or lowering standards.
Red flags. Everyone is always looking for red flags. No one is perfect. Everybody has problems and people make mistakes. It’s important to give people the benefit of the doubt and to clarify your boundaries. If you keep looking for so many red flags, you’re never gonna find anybody.
True - if you only scan for red flags you will miss out on so much. But this channel is for women who historically ignore red flags because of their attachment wounds which is why I emphasised it here ❤️
Content like this makes me afraid to discuss anything more than the weather, and anything less than the obstacles to world peace. And not more than one letter delivered by carrier pigeon per month. TBH I think I’m better off just not worrying about it 😆
This is so true...I am afraid of my own red flags as a survivor of domestic violence, I feel defensive all the time only to find out the guy I'm seeing is sincere and kind and there for me.
I was the “emotionally unavailable” husband from the family with an NPD mother and enabling father. My ex-wife was the “crazy wife” from a highly dysfunctional family, who was selfish, definitely not safe, and acted out thru cheating, lying, binge drinking and manipulating me to be “smaller” due to her personal insecurities. She knew no boundaries, and was proud of saying “you don’t have any emotions” to me. I used to think that was ridiculous as I felt anger, happiness, sorrow, joy, and everything else. It’s only now, two years post breakup I realize that her lack of safety meant what she wanted from me (that she could not articulate) I could not give her as she wasn’t safe. And what I wanted from her, the physical attention that made me feel wanted and loved and able to open up more (“pillow talk”) she totally dismissed and when it happened was made perfunctory. I think back to a woman I was with in college where it was easy to share my hopes and dreams. I realize how “safe” she was in comparison to my ex wife. For the women reading this after watching this video, if you think throwing yourself into the arms of another man and cheating during your marriage will ‘fix’ things, I can assure you it will not. I stoically kept our marriage together after an affair, and tried to be more of what my inarticulate ex-wife wanted. But the damage was done. She was never trustworthy again. And what was sacrificed by me to her own brokenness was incalculable.
@@LoveByDesign it took me most of two years of reading posts on Reddit forums, RUclips videos of all sorts, and lots of reflection. The apex of all this time was a link to an article someone posted up on a forum that was written by a psychologist that described our experience to a T. It brought it all together. The sad part is that we should have both been in counseling for a year or more and might have figured it out decades ago. Sadly, I’ll never share this article with my ex-wife because it mentions narcissistic tendencies by the man could be part of the problem, and I know she’ll automatically latch onto that word as a crutch that I was the problem when 1) I am most definitely not a narcissist and 2) instead of seeing it as a learning opportunity to start to explore herself and deal with her own issues and past lack of accountability for her actions, she’ll tell her friends she has the answer and she was never the problem. In reality we both were the problem. However she always acted out as a result.
@@drumsnbass Thank you for sharing this story. I am so happy to see that men also really try to better themselves emotionally as this is still seen by many men as a weakness and sad feelings can be "walked off". You can be proud of yourself!!
Not on a first meet but I would certainly look at asking deeper questions on a first date, also bringing up my relationship needs and so on. If they get scared away or they shut down then they were not a good match from the start.
This was so phenomenal to watch and I felt very recreated. I've been shy on dates because I have been in long-term relationships for at least 13 years and I've been blaming myself for not being more open and even flirtatious. But from your video I feel I've been doing things the right way, like just being comfortable with my own skin and be in a friendly vibe. Thank goodness!! I definitely see I can work on emotional stability in terms of letting people express to me what they think I can work on. Sometimes it feels like criticism that I didn't ask for and I take it personally. Wow and now I see where my intuition has told me this guy isn't for me etc and it's because one of the red flags or more was there! Even for my most recent relationship that was great for 8 years but ended up not working... There were flags.. AND I wasn't who I am today in my level of self awareness. I can be at peace with my journey... I was feeling so bad about myself today that this really, really, really was what I needed to watch. Thank you so MUCH for this video!! I have signed up to meet with you and also to watch the 3 step video as soon as I have time! Thank you for all that you do ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️!!!!!
You need to ask what their intent is, or if they want kids, or what they learned from their previous relationship. If you don’t, you’ll only know them on the surface 😊
Fantastic video...all new information for me. I was in a long marriage to a man who embodied the opposite of these qualities. Recently fell for a similar guy...maybe worse. Last night, at the end of the date after talking on and on about his wicked ex, he accused me of always starting dark convos. A familiar experience of blame shifting. I felt SO bad. But I fought back by sending a text. "I accept 50% responsibility. Only 50%. If we decide to meet again, can we both try to do better?" No reply. This morning I found your video, Amy. Wow, amazing!!! I never dated anyone with green flags. Not surprising given my awful early childhood years. I posted your list of green flags on my fridge. Thanks a billion!! ❤❤❤
Such a great video, Amy, thank you! I stumbled upon your channel today, really loving your content - very deep and informative! I've been working on my boundaries for the past few years and I realized I tended to attract emotionally unavailable partners because of my relationship with my parents who are very emotionally immature. I had to work on that first and now I am much better at spotting the red flags with new people who are interested in me. Actually, just last week I met someone who said they were just looking for friendship, and then proceeded to love bomb me, push my boundaries and demand a lot of my time. I stopped communicating with him right away and felt really good about myself for being able to assert my needs & desires. Slowly, but surely many of us are maturing and choosing ourselves first, taking our time screening potential partners out. Thank you for all you do - your videos have been really helpful to reaffirm what I already know/put things in perspective/encourage me to stick to my standards!
Definitely some things are new to me. I am currently meeting someone and what brought me here is that I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about his suppose “slow approach”… he seems to be doing things the right way and I might be the one who’s unavailable emotionally. At least my patterns have to be broken asap. Fantastic informative videos. Thank you!
I'm glad this video has helped! 🙏 Yes - if our nervous system is used to the rush and thrill, someone taking it slow can seem foreign and disorientating (and it can bring our own patterns to our attention!) It's a beautiful opportunity to do further healing work ❤️
I commented on this video and I also read this message. I'm not going to give advice from personal experience. But this is on the same topic that I made my comment about.
@@LoveByDesign Hi there! Thanks for your reply and insight. I wanted to give an update and share that eventually this person was not available for me. He did have an interest, but not the type of relationship that fits my life. This however was a great exercise for me as I learned a lot from the experience. I think I am in a good path.. growing and learning ♥️🙏
So many things are addressed in this video that are important to consider! I are studying and replaying so that I make each point second nature as I move forward in future dating relationships.
Amy is amazing with her advice. For a young woman she certainly makes a lot of good sense of the modern dating protocols and highlights the traps. I'm incredibly impressed. Great job Amy! 🤩🙌🌟
So beautifully expressed such a valuable list thank you. The question that you are asking us to ask ourselves. ‘Are we modeling the list of healthy behaviors?’ That is the most important question. And then as you address later the second most important question is if we are modelling this yet the other person is not why do we accept them into our life? We need to not only model it but expect it to be modeled in the other.
The thing is that it's not a great idea to be vulnerable with everybody right away, that happens gradually as you learn about people and come to trust them. Asking very personal questions is basically asking someone to be very vulnerable
I wish this video was available at least 5 years ago. I met and married a man I thought was authentic, genuine and healthy, only to learn through time that he's emotionally unavailable and lives in black or white. We're finally in couples counseling because I physically left him, and he realized that his mindset and behavior is no longer tolerated, and he can be a single dad forever.
Hi, I found your channel on RUclips earlier in the week. As a male who has worked on my “stuff” and new to the dating scene (online), I like hearing your perspective. Your videos are helpful, dating and meeting new people, looking for new people can be overwhelming… if you let it. Thank you!! Do you have a podcast?
Hmmm you lost instantly. I definitely feel it’s appropriate to ask very deep/personal questions right away. This seems like an integral aspect of “sorting” to me.
I agree. I think it’s completely appropriate to ask questions like, “ What are you looking for in dating? What are some of your life goals?” I think mature people are able to ask deep questions even on a first date. It saves everyone some time to express what they’re looking for.
I completely agree with this! I want someone who is as open and direct and communicative as I am, so I ask these deeper questions on first dates in order to find someone who is compatible with me
I also agree that it's essential to ask appropriate questions early and often. The point I'm making in this video is if they questions are inappropriately asked too early and are designed to get you to open up and share information before you're ready (and of course it's your responsibility to set an appropriate boundary here) - this is a 'tactic' of emotionally unavailable people to later on use this information to their advantage to make it seem they 'know' you. A secure person will navigate this more sensitively and not push information gathering, an emotionally unavailable person will come on too strong and quickly with in depth questions. Does that make sense?
Asking very deep/personal questions means asking them to be very vulnerable, and not everyone is comfortable with that right away, so if someone is demanding or expecting that vulnerability right away (e.g. first date) that's probably a red flag. I think you can definitely ask personal questions right away but your description of "very deep/personal" is almost by definition inappropriate to ask someone before you have established trust and security in the relationship, because it implies "very vulnerable". Sure, you could ask those questions and some people would be comfortable with that but I wouldn't interpret it as a problem in the beginning if they didn't want to answer. It just means they don't want to share deeply personal with someone they don't know very well, which is a healthy boundary. It could be more appropriate for you to lead with that deeply personal info, and then ask them, but there is still a limit to what you can expect too early on.
@@Lanistyle9do you consider those questions to be very deep or personal? They sound entirely appropriate to ask when dating someone to me, because that is why you're there and the questions allow them to answer in their own way. The issue with "very deep/personal" questions is that it implies "very vulnerable" and you have to be careful they aren't intrusive
When I make some blunder I'm grateful when the other person laughs it off and minimises it. So I'd be inclined to make light of their embarrassing moments too and tease them over something, rather than to get all serious over it like I think it's a big deal. At the same time, you need to always be careful of other people's sensitivities. And to avoid always repeating the same tiresome joke even if it was well-intentioned to begin with.
I've always felt this way about what you're saying I agree completely and I know when I was growing up that I had so many people that didn't quite understand that and it always just surprised me it seemed like common knowledge to me knowledge to me hopefully someone out there Gru and learn to realize that. So thank you for this video
I really loved this video. I felt for the first time that I could breathe again, and one day when I feel ready to date, there is hope. I would like you to clarify something for me. At the start of the video you mentioned "attracting the right partner". I would like it if you elaborated on this because (and this is from an abused person's point of view) it takes time to stop blaming ourselves for the abuse. Saying "attracting the right partner" is somewhat hard to hear because that blaming ourselves cycle can flare up again. I do not want to take what you have said out of the context you may have meant it, so I am asking you for some clarity. Thank you.
Thank you for that. I'm still in recovery. It's good to know I have time to identify what my needs truly are. Thank you. Nice to see a healthy video explaining things.
Sorry - my earlier comment was deleted because I had to switch to a brand account. What I said (for anyone re-reading the comments) - is that the shame cycle is what you need to get out of. When I say "attract the right partner", this means compatible, or a "fit". That's perhaps a better adjective than the binary "right" (vs wrong).
Critical of friends and family as a red flag - I can't agree 100%. Friends are people we choose to be with, while family is something we don't. And some families deserve a lot of criticism, since parents and other caregivers way would a child to the very core and if this child grows up and criticizes his family for what they did, it may be a sign of awareness and healing and accepting their emotions and feelings. So ungrounded blatant criticism is of course a red flag, but criticism as a sign of awareness is a different thing. One has to learn more about the other person and delve deeper before labelling any criticism of family as an absolute red flag.
I watched your video and I agree with everything that you said. I also would not recommend this advice to anyone except men that are already in a relationship. I would highly recommend interviewing 100 single men and trying to understand what dating and relationships are like for men or rebranding this as dating advice for men and reading the comments. The reason that I would not recommend this advice to wemon would become obvious. If it was a short and sweet explanation I would gladly give it but there's just a lot topics to cover.
Some of these are contradictory like you could say that avoiding talking about something (red flag) is also expressing a boundary and not revealing to much personal stuff right away (green flag)
can you specify what in-depth questions are too much to ask early on (and how early is early?). ive been friends with someone for over a year and we are just starting to date, and i’m wondering what questions i need to ask and at what stage in dating to ask them (about past relationships, attachments styles, what they’re looking for in relationship, etc). also on the same topic, what if a guy doesn’t ask me any questions about myself and talks a lot about himself and keeps it surface; is he nervous, bad at making good conversation, or just uninterested? love your videos, thank you so much!
Hey if they don’t ask u about u that’s a sign. Most importantly, get to know your true authentic self. Don’t express exactly what you’re looking for just know and see if they align with your qualities, morals & values. Sometimes if u tell them they’ll pretend. I have a rule: don’t do or say anything I would regret if this person ghosted me tomorrow. I move with genuine intentions always so if we don’t work at least I know I was my best self at the time & we just don’t align. It makes breakups easier to deal with. It’ll also give u the okay & power & willingness to always walk when something isn’t right for you. I hope this helps 😊
Divorced man here. I have two teen sons who will leave school soon and enter the work force. They live with their mum (my ex). I want a lady in my life and have and raise two or three children with her. I am a good provider (business entrepreneur). Question, how soon do I tell a woman I have just started seeing that I want a woman in my life to cherish and love and have children with?
@@LoveByDesign Thank you Ami. I will follow your advice. I am a typical male, subtle hints by a go right over my head! The three relationships in my life (one marriage, two serious long term GFs before my marriage) each woman made it very clear they were interested, before I got the hint!
I tend to ask really deep questions in first few dates as a way to vet out people and see if we have same values. Im so scared of dating someone tgen breaking up because we want different things that I feel like i have to ask deeper questions. When do you think is the appropriate time to ask deeper questions about values?
This is a great question, thank you for asking it! I truly believe that a person's values will only be known through actions aligning with words. You can have all the deep conversation you want, but in my experience it's only consistency of actions aligning with those words, and what values they say they have, that lets you know if they truly have them ❤️ Does that make sense?
@@day-dreamer1313I don't have the answer for you but can tell you one way to get it - start with less deep questions and gradually increase the "depth" of questions until you can see they are not exactly comfortable with them (but you don't want to make them uncomfortable, obviously) and then stop asking. This shows that you have identified their "boundary" and respected it by not pushing too far. Maybe they will, in their own time, answer the question or ask you a similar question, but maybe you can gently ask them another time, after giving them time to think about it or be comfortable with it. A lot of men need time to process their thoughts and feelings and actually figure out what they are. On another note, I think it's also important to realise that going deep with questions can feel really, heavy, significant or intense for people, and you have to make sure that your interaction is also fun and enjoyable!
Im starting to realise, that besides cheating,I seem to be the red flag in many peoples lives. I dont know how to fix it. And im worried if thats maybe I cant find a partner thats non problematic.
I think I’m mostly available but what can we do if there are things we aren’t skilled at? Is there no hope? I know there has to be but where could we find how to develop ourselves more if we feel stuck?
how would a lot of these apply to teenagers? im 17 also is teasing completely a no like i feel like there is definitely a certain level that is normal also with the like impulsivity how would u go about being concerned with a person wjo bas adhd
Let me understand - you're asking if this translates to teenagers and dating someone with ADHD? I would imagine these green flags would be relevant for teenagers. And it depends on your tolerance for certain behaviours that are common in people with ADHD - it would really depend on how it presents in that person!
"getting their kicks out of pushing you down". well, that is the story of my 37 year marriage. Now, the new guy is going slow or ghosting not sure, so as we are out in a group often, he announces that we are both stubborn......so I see that as name calling...
Bro where are actual healthy people! I know I’m not bc i attracted a complete narcissist who emotionally abused me… and im trying to do the inner work to understand my childhood trauma. I’m trying to better myself as much as possible and create healthy boundaries. I just hope i can find someone who’s trying to do the inner work too if anything… bc i feel like we all have shit… n I’m not sure anyone is actually fully healthy. But i guess there’s ppl self aware and working on themselves… so that’s good.
@@LoveByDesign I am so glad you said we do not need to be 100% healed/perfect to date. This is one of the things that hold me back from dating at all. I do not feel worthy because of 34 years of known abuse. I feel no one would want me. I know that it is absolute rubbish thinking. I am working on it.
@@angelamossucco2190 I have not heard of this book. I was that gifted child and it was definitely used against me. I'll have a look at it. Thank you for the recommendation.
It's definitely good to be aware of this - and start doing the work from there. This webinar will show you how to heal your patterns: www.healyourheart.school/webinar
Everything you said makes a lot of sense. People need to hear this. When I was young I had no idea about these things and unfortunately had to learn all of this from experiences. Hopefully some ppl will listen to this and won’t need real life lessons to understand what you are saying. Lol
I do this when I like a woman. If you take it as a "red flag" you might end up in a little boring relationship. I think it's important to remember that it's the intention behind the act that determines what is ment. Not how it's experienced - eventhough that means something too. I think it's important to understand what you need the relationship for in the first place in order to determine if it's a behavior that serves the purpose of said relationship. Do you want someone to be able to remind you that you're too full of yourself at times? Then teasing is brilliant. Just a little to add to give some other perspective.
I think she means "make fun of/tease you" as in disrespecting you, that's what I think making fun of someone means, especially when they aren't enjoying it. Playful teasing is something different, in my opinion.
I was feeling anxious about the fact that I might’ve chosen the wrong girl to date, because lately I’ve been feeling that we don’t communicate as much as before (we’re not a official yet and we’re on distance till December) The thing that made me stick up with her is that she chose to fight for us so early (we stopped talking for a week because we both tough we weren’t interested on each other, and when she knew how I was feeling she called me to tell me she didn’t wanted things to end like this), weeks after that we talked about the months ahead of us till December, and she told me that she was about end up things with me, but felt a spark on her heart that told her no to do so, and that meant so much to me.🥹 I got all them green ✅
Hey everyone hope this was helpful! Leave me a comment with your thoughts? Be sure to check out my brand new masterclass on the 3 Steps to Heal Yourself after a Toxic Relationship Ends (Warning: Spots are limited)
🗒 Here is the link to the MASTERCLASS! -> www.healyourheart.school/webinar
🎁 Download the FREE GUIDE! -> www.healyourheart.school/guide
💕 Apply For Heal Your Heart School Here! www.healyourheart.school/call
Core values for Compatibility:
Safety (are you able to be authentic)
Integrity (do the right thing when alone)
Consistency (reliable)
Transparency (able to share anything without fear of judgement)
Accountability (able to have adult conversations)
Self awareness (emotionally intelligent)
Core values for Chemistry:
Self care (good hygiene)
Presentation (humbleness)
Intimacy awareness (able to read the room)
Good sense of humor (knows how to relax)
I was recently dating a guy who did all those things you said. I actually thought he was emotionally unavailable because he was taking things so slow and didn’t seem to want to talk about anything personal to deeply. We dated for 2 1/2 months. Now I’m questioning whether he was emotionally unavailable or just taking a healthy approach to dating.
Wow❤
Amy Kerr I love your content. So full of information and advice. I’ve no idea why you’ve not got more subscribers. Thank you for sharing all your knowledge.
same
Super interesting. An emotionally available person will be open/available to discussion so that questions like this don't go unanswered, so remember to ask all the questions and communicate if you ever have any doubts!
@@skyebrackpool147 Thank you! Slowly building subs :)
Just dropping a comment here as someone with ADHD, not all of these red flags are on purpose. I am looking for a healthy relationship, I just share stuff too easily and love connecting on deeper topics for example. It is extra fun when I date people with ADHD because then we both do that shit
Yes - there’s definitely nuance to read here with neurodivergent people, adjust accordingly 😌
Friendship a important part for relationship
This is crazy coincidence. Currently dating a guy like this and I thought it was red flags but after talking to him and seeing this it makes sense why other relationships didn’t work. I’m accustomed to red flag people therefore I have modeled this behavior. Whoa! I really need to work
On myself and relearn behaviors. Thank you 🙏🏼
Its not a red flag if he wants to get to know you. Its a red flag if he doesn't.
Wanting to get to know someone is different from coming on too strong with super personal questions that are inappropriate for the first few dates.
Incorrect. It's all the disinhibition that online has shoved down everyones throat the last 16 years or so. People get to know you incrementally over time.
@@jessicahitchens6926 I'm pretty sure you misread my post. If the first thing he wants to get to know is your womb, I'd say he probably doesn't give a crap about the rest of you.
Being secure and having a realistic sense of self is super important. For me it's the no.1 thing I look out for.
If the person can't even objectively assess themselves & their mistakes, it will be difficult for them to overcome struggles in their life
It's important to keep in mind that for an avoidant person their boundaries mean that you will be dismissed and undervalued and then if you try to tell them that they've hurt you they will discard you. Their boundaries are unhealthy. Healthy boundaries should be respected but unhealthy boundaries are simply toxic and therefore need to be either addressed or it's time to move on.
Absolutely - healthy boundaries invite respect and authenticity. But just because you set a boundary doesn’t mean the person has to follow them. Them not observing your boundary tells you all you need to know about how they feel about you.
It's called crossing boundaries at the early stage. It has nothing to do with avoidance or avoidant attachment style. People use this crap to cross boundaries and to undermine. Or lowering standards.
Self awareness it’s very important love yourself first
Yes ❤️
Red flags. Everyone is always looking for red flags. No one is perfect. Everybody has problems and people make mistakes. It’s important to give people the benefit of the doubt and to clarify your boundaries. If you keep looking for so many red flags, you’re never gonna find anybody.
Best comment. Adding my two cents : looking for so many red flags and not wanting to deal with none makes you a red flag yourself. 😌🇧🇷
True - if you only scan for red flags you will miss out on so much. But this channel is for women who historically ignore red flags because of their attachment wounds which is why I emphasised it here ❤️
Content like this makes me afraid to discuss anything more than the weather, and anything less than the obstacles to world peace. And not more than one letter delivered by carrier pigeon per month.
TBH I think I’m better off just not worrying about it 😆
This is so true...I am afraid of my own red flags as a survivor of domestic violence, I feel defensive all the time only to find out the guy I'm seeing is sincere and kind and there for me.
Well get taken advantage of then. It's called discernment. It's not looking for someone "perfect".
I was the “emotionally unavailable” husband from the family with an NPD mother and enabling father. My ex-wife was the “crazy wife” from a highly dysfunctional family, who was selfish, definitely not safe, and acted out thru cheating, lying, binge drinking and manipulating me to be “smaller” due to her personal insecurities.
She knew no boundaries, and was proud of saying “you don’t have any emotions” to me. I used to think that was ridiculous as I felt anger, happiness, sorrow, joy, and everything else. It’s only now, two years post breakup I realize that her lack of safety meant what she wanted from me (that she could not articulate) I could not give her as she wasn’t safe. And what I wanted from her, the physical attention that made me feel wanted and loved and able to open up more (“pillow talk”) she totally dismissed and when it happened was made perfunctory.
I think back to a woman I was with in college where it was easy to share my hopes and dreams. I realize how “safe” she was in comparison to my ex wife.
For the women reading this after watching this video, if you think throwing yourself into the arms of another man and cheating during your marriage will ‘fix’ things, I can assure you it will not. I stoically kept our marriage together after an affair, and tried to be more of what my inarticulate ex-wife wanted. But the damage was done. She was never trustworthy again. And what was sacrificed by me to her own brokenness was incalculable.
Wow - thank you for sharing your story!
@@LoveByDesign it took me most of two years of reading posts on Reddit forums, RUclips videos of all sorts, and lots of reflection. The apex of all this time was a link to an article someone posted up on a forum that was written by a psychologist that described our experience to a T. It brought it all together. The sad part is that we should have both been in counseling for a year or more and might have figured it out decades ago.
Sadly, I’ll never share this article with my ex-wife because it mentions narcissistic tendencies by the man could be part of the problem, and I know she’ll automatically latch onto that word as a crutch that I was the problem when 1) I am most definitely not a narcissist and 2) instead of seeing it as a learning opportunity to start to explore herself and deal with her own issues and past lack of accountability for her actions, she’ll tell her friends she has the answer and she was never the problem. In reality we both were the problem. However she always acted out as a result.
@@drumsnbass Thank you for sharing this story. I am so happy to see that men also really try to better themselves emotionally as this is still seen by many men as a weakness and sad feelings can be "walked off".
You can be proud of yourself!!
Not on a first meet but I would certainly look at asking deeper questions on a first date, also bringing up my relationship needs and so on. If they get scared away or they shut down then they were not a good match from the start.
Hi
This was so phenomenal to watch and I felt very recreated. I've been shy on dates because I have been in long-term relationships for at least 13 years and I've been blaming myself for not being more open and even flirtatious. But from your video I feel I've been doing things the right way, like just being comfortable with my own skin and be in a friendly vibe. Thank goodness!! I definitely see I can work on emotional stability in terms of letting people express to me what they think I can work on. Sometimes it feels like criticism that I didn't ask for and I take it personally. Wow and now I see where my intuition has told me this guy isn't for me etc and it's because one of the red flags or more was there! Even for my most recent relationship that was great for 8 years but ended up not working... There were flags.. AND I wasn't who I am today in my level of self awareness. I can be at peace with my journey... I was feeling so bad about myself today that this really, really, really was what I needed to watch. Thank you so MUCH for this video!! I have signed up to meet with you and also to watch the 3 step video as soon as I have time! Thank you for all that you do ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️!!!!!
I'm so glad to hear this Sandy!! Love having you in the program 🙏
You need to ask what their intent is, or if they want kids, or what they learned from their previous relationship. If you don’t, you’ll only know them on the surface 😊
It's great to ask questions, yes 😀
Fantastic video...all new information for me. I was in a long marriage to a man who embodied the opposite of these qualities. Recently fell for a similar guy...maybe worse. Last night, at the end of the date after talking on and on about his wicked ex, he accused me of always starting dark convos. A familiar experience of blame shifting. I felt SO bad.
But I fought back by sending a text. "I accept 50% responsibility. Only 50%. If we decide to meet again, can we both try to do better?"
No reply.
This morning I found your video, Amy. Wow, amazing!!! I never dated anyone with green flags. Not surprising given my awful early childhood years.
I posted your list of green flags on my fridge.
Thanks a billion!!
❤❤❤
Wow that is amazing! The 50/50 rule is so helpful for boundaries. I’m so glad the list helped!
Such a great video, Amy, thank you! I stumbled upon your channel today, really loving your content - very deep and informative! I've been working on my boundaries for the past few years and I realized I tended to attract emotionally unavailable partners because of my relationship with my parents who are very emotionally immature. I had to work on that first and now I am much better at spotting the red flags with new people who are interested in me. Actually, just last week I met someone who said they were just looking for friendship, and then proceeded to love bomb me, push my boundaries and demand a lot of my time. I stopped communicating with him right away and felt really good about myself for being able to assert my needs & desires. Slowly, but surely many of us are maturing and choosing ourselves first, taking our time screening potential partners out. Thank you for all you do - your videos have been really helpful to reaffirm what I already know/put things in perspective/encourage me to stick to my standards!
I am *so* happy to hear this!! You are so welcome 🙏
Definitely some things are new to me. I am currently meeting someone and what brought me here is that I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about his suppose “slow approach”… he seems to be doing things the right way and I might be the one who’s unavailable emotionally. At least my patterns have to be broken asap. Fantastic informative videos. Thank you!
I'm glad this video has helped! 🙏 Yes - if our nervous system is used to the rush and thrill, someone taking it slow can seem foreign and disorientating (and it can bring our own patterns to our attention!) It's a beautiful opportunity to do further healing work ❤️
I commented on this video and I also read this message. I'm not going to give advice from personal experience. But this is on the same topic that I made my comment about.
@@LoveByDesign Hi there! Thanks for your reply and insight. I wanted to give an update and share that eventually this person was not available for me. He did have an interest, but not the type of relationship that fits my life. This however was a great exercise for me as I learned a lot from the experience. I think I am in a good path.. growing and learning ♥️🙏
@isbellopez9133 when you say he had a slow approach, what did that mean? If I may ask.
I call it grooming over a long period of time. Throw in the media as well to mess up women especially.
Thank you, I am 46 and have not been aware of these healthy dating steps wow ❤️
So glad this has helped ❤️
So many things are addressed in this video that are important to consider! I are studying and replaying so that I make each point second nature as I move forward in future dating relationships.
So glad to hear this! 🙏
This is good content. It made me look at myself! But it also made me realize that the last person I was with was not the person for me.
I’m glad this helped you to look at yourself!
Amy is amazing with her advice. For a young woman she certainly makes a lot of good sense of the modern dating protocols and highlights the traps.
I'm incredibly impressed. Great job Amy! 🤩🙌🌟
So beautifully expressed such a valuable list thank you.
The question that you are asking us to ask ourselves. ‘Are we modeling the list of healthy behaviors?’ That is the most important question. And then as you address later the second most important question is if we are modelling this yet the other person is not why do we accept them into our life? We need to not only model it but expect it to be modeled in the other.
Absolutely - it goes both ways!
I think it is totally acceptable to ask very personal questions right away.
Great! Go for it then ☺️
How’s that going for you
The thing is that it's not a great idea to be vulnerable with everybody right away, that happens gradually as you learn about people and come to trust them. Asking very personal questions is basically asking someone to be very vulnerable
I wish this video was available at least 5 years ago. I met and married a man I thought was authentic, genuine and healthy, only to learn through time that he's emotionally unavailable and lives in black or white. We're finally in couples counseling because I physically left him, and he realized that his mindset and behavior is no longer tolerated, and he can be a single dad forever.
I hope that counselling works for you 🙏
Hi,
I found your channel on RUclips earlier in the week. As a male who has worked on my “stuff” and new to the dating scene (online), I like hearing your perspective. Your videos are helpful, dating and meeting new people, looking for new people can be overwhelming… if you let it. Thank you!!
Do you have a podcast?
You talk directly to me with such wisdom and clarity. I appreciate you and your content so much ♥
You are so welcome!
I love how you break all of this down
Great video! Thank you!
Hmmm you lost instantly. I definitely feel it’s appropriate to ask very deep/personal questions right away. This seems like an integral aspect of “sorting” to me.
I agree. I think it’s completely appropriate to ask questions like, “ What are you looking for in dating? What are some of your life goals?” I think mature people are able to ask deep questions even on a first date. It saves everyone some time to express what they’re looking for.
I completely agree with this! I want someone who is as open and direct and communicative as I am, so I ask these deeper questions on first dates in order to find someone who is compatible with me
I also agree that it's essential to ask appropriate questions early and often. The point I'm making in this video is if they questions are inappropriately asked too early and are designed to get you to open up and share information before you're ready (and of course it's your responsibility to set an appropriate boundary here) - this is a 'tactic' of emotionally unavailable people to later on use this information to their advantage to make it seem they 'know' you. A secure person will navigate this more sensitively and not push information gathering, an emotionally unavailable person will come on too strong and quickly with in depth questions. Does that make sense?
Asking very deep/personal questions means asking them to be very vulnerable, and not everyone is comfortable with that right away, so if someone is demanding or expecting that vulnerability right away (e.g. first date) that's probably a red flag.
I think you can definitely ask personal questions right away but your description of "very deep/personal" is almost by definition inappropriate to ask someone before you have established trust and security in the relationship, because it implies "very vulnerable".
Sure, you could ask those questions and some people would be comfortable with that but I wouldn't interpret it as a problem in the beginning if they didn't want to answer. It just means they don't want to share deeply personal with someone they don't know very well, which is a healthy boundary. It could be more appropriate for you to lead with that deeply personal info, and then ask them, but there is still a limit to what you can expect too early on.
@@Lanistyle9do you consider those questions to be very deep or personal? They sound entirely appropriate to ask when dating someone to me, because that is why you're there and the questions allow them to answer in their own way.
The issue with "very deep/personal" questions is that it implies "very vulnerable" and you have to be careful they aren't intrusive
When I make some blunder I'm grateful when the other person laughs it off and minimises it. So I'd be inclined to make light of their embarrassing moments too and tease them over something, rather than to get all serious over it like I think it's a big deal. At the same time, you need to always be careful of other people's sensitivities. And to avoid always repeating the same tiresome joke even if it was well-intentioned to begin with.
I agree, but I don’t think too much teasing is conducive to healthy intimacy.
I've always felt this way about what you're saying I agree completely and I know when I was growing up that I had so many people that didn't quite understand that and it always just surprised me it seemed like common knowledge to me knowledge to me hopefully someone out there Gru and learn to realize that. So thank you for this video
Waw what an amazing full of information video! ❤
The best tips I have found among a lot of useless videos here. Thank you for clear and wise advice!
You are so welcome! 🙏
The school should teach us about this! 🙌
I used to be a high school teacher - and I whole heartedly agree!
I think this education should start at home.
@@wellbeingwithmarissaExactly! It's not the school's job to teach this.
I really loved this video. I felt for the first time that I could breathe again, and one day when I feel ready to date, there is hope. I would like you to clarify something for me. At the start of the video you mentioned "attracting the right partner". I would like it if you elaborated on this because (and this is from an abused person's point of view) it takes time to stop blaming ourselves for the abuse. Saying "attracting the right partner" is somewhat hard to hear because that blaming ourselves cycle can flare up again. I do not want to take what you have said out of the context you may have meant it, so I am asking you for some clarity. Thank you.
Thank you for that. I'm still in recovery. It's good to know I have time to identify what my needs truly are. Thank you. Nice to see a healthy video explaining things.
Sorry - my earlier comment was deleted because I had to switch to a brand account. What I said (for anyone re-reading the comments) - is that the shame cycle is what you need to get out of. When I say "attract the right partner", this means compatible, or a "fit". That's perhaps a better adjective than the binary "right" (vs wrong).
Thank you for open, honest and real content around having health relationships🙂
You are so welcome ❤️
this is such a well thought out amazing video
Thank you!
Refreshing perspective and so true. Thank you!
You are so welcome! 🙏
Critical of friends and family as a red flag - I can't agree 100%. Friends are people we choose to be with, while family is something we don't. And some families deserve a lot of criticism, since parents and other caregivers way would a child to the very core and if this child grows up and criticizes his family for what they did, it may be a sign of awareness and healing and accepting their emotions and feelings. So ungrounded blatant criticism is of course a red flag, but criticism as a sign of awareness is a different thing. One has to learn more about the other person and delve deeper before labelling any criticism of family as an absolute red flag.
our attachment style is anxious and we are trying to make it secure
How are you going with that?
I know you mention this is for women but as a gay guy I enjoy this as well. Thank you!
I'm so glad this content helps! ❤️
The red flags are accurate. And if people can't see this, they have work to do.
I watched your video and I agree with everything that you said. I also would not recommend this advice to anyone except men that are already in a relationship. I would highly recommend interviewing 100 single men and trying to understand what dating and relationships are like for men or rebranding this as dating advice for men and reading the comments. The reason that I would not recommend this advice to wemon would become obvious. If it was a short and sweet explanation I would gladly give it but there's just a lot topics to cover.
So, you want me to pivot my channel to be entirely for men? I think you're stuck in the mojo dojo casa house 😌
@@LoveByDesign love your reply
This information is applicable to both men and women.
Some of these are contradictory like you could say that avoiding talking about something (red flag) is also expressing a boundary and not revealing to much personal stuff right away (green flag)
Very Helpful
tysm for this !!1
You are so welcome! If you'd like to see if I can help you further, you're welcome to book a free consultation here: www.healyourheart.school/call
can you specify what in-depth questions are too much to ask early on (and how early is early?). ive been friends with someone for over a year and we are just starting to date, and i’m wondering what questions i need to ask and at what stage in dating to ask them (about past relationships, attachments styles, what they’re looking for in relationship, etc). also on the same topic, what if a guy doesn’t ask me any questions about myself and talks a lot about himself and keeps it surface; is he nervous, bad at making good conversation, or just uninterested?
love your videos, thank you so much!
Hey if they don’t ask u about u that’s a sign. Most importantly, get to know your true authentic self. Don’t express exactly what you’re looking for just know and see if they align with your qualities, morals & values. Sometimes if u tell them they’ll pretend. I have a rule: don’t do or say anything I would regret if this person ghosted me tomorrow. I move with genuine intentions always so if we don’t work at least I know I was my best self at the time & we just don’t align. It makes breakups easier to deal with. It’ll also give u the okay & power & willingness to always walk when something isn’t right for you. I hope this helps 😊
@@Treasure2023Great advice ❤. Thank you!
Divorced man here. I have two teen sons who will leave school soon and enter the work force. They live with their mum (my ex). I want a lady in my life and have and raise two or three children with her. I am a good provider (business entrepreneur). Question, how soon do I tell a woman I have just started seeing that I want a woman in my life to cherish and love and have children with?
Be up front right from the start about you are looking for!
@@LoveByDesign Thank you Ami. I will follow your advice. I am a typical male, subtle hints by a go right over my head! The three relationships in my life (one marriage, two serious long term GFs before my marriage) each woman made it very clear they were interested, before I got the hint!
Hey
super helpful thank you!!!!
You are so welcome!! 🙏
Is there a video that elaborates on time spent together? Would it be included in the boundary video mentioned?
What specific info are you looking for on time spent together?
Good stuff
I tend to ask really deep questions in first few dates as a way to vet out people and see if we have same values. Im so scared of dating someone tgen breaking up because we want different things that I feel like i have to ask deeper questions. When do you think is the appropriate time to ask deeper questions about values?
This is a great question, thank you for asking it! I truly believe that a person's values will only be known through actions aligning with words. You can have all the deep conversation you want, but in my experience it's only consistency of actions aligning with those words, and what values they say they have, that lets you know if they truly have them ❤️ Does that make sense?
@LoveByDesign but when is it appropriate to ask the deeper questions to then see if actions align?
@@day-dreamer1313I don't have the answer for you but can tell you one way to get it - start with less deep questions and gradually increase the "depth" of questions until you can see they are not exactly comfortable with them (but you don't want to make them uncomfortable, obviously) and then stop asking. This shows that you have identified their "boundary" and respected it by not pushing too far.
Maybe they will, in their own time, answer the question or ask you a similar question, but maybe you can gently ask them another time, after giving them time to think about it or be comfortable with it. A lot of men need time to process their thoughts and feelings and actually figure out what they are.
On another note, I think it's also important to realise that going deep with questions can feel really, heavy, significant or intense for people, and you have to make sure that your interaction is also fun and enjoyable!
Do u have a video an identifying your core values? If so, may I please have a link? 😊
Not yet!
Great info
I am anxious attachment and dating secure man 😢 I always keep questioning him
It's important to address your underlying abandonment wound - this will help! 🙏
Very good points, thank you.
You are so welcome!
This is really good content- thankyou 🙏 x
You are so welcome! 🙏
Im starting to realise, that besides cheating,I seem to be the red flag in many peoples lives. I dont know how to fix it. And im worried if thats maybe I cant find a partner thats non problematic.
I talk about this in my webinar, you might find it helpful: www.healyourheart.school/webinar
loving this video
I'm so glad! ❤️
Just applied to all.people..
I think I’m mostly available but what can we do if there are things we aren’t skilled at? Is there no hope? I know there has to be but where could we find how to develop ourselves more if we feel stuck?
What ways do you feel you want to develop?
What if someone is “critical of their family and friends”, because their family of origin was physically and emotionally abusive?
It may be a baby red flag, see how it affects their behaviour over time (if they become critical of you inappropriately or not)
So useful! 🙌
Thank you! ❤️
Light teasing in a playful Way without putting them down is OK.
If there's no power play involved, humour can be helpful and bonding
This is so clear and right on
I'm glad it resonated for you! ❤️
Hello
how would a lot of these apply to teenagers? im 17 also is teasing completely a no like i feel like there is definitely a certain level that is normal also with the like impulsivity how would u go about being concerned with a person wjo bas adhd
Let me understand - you're asking if this translates to teenagers and dating someone with ADHD? I would imagine these green flags would be relevant for teenagers. And it depends on your tolerance for certain behaviours that are common in people with ADHD - it would really depend on how it presents in that person!
We also make the same stupid mistake over and over by thinking they are going to change if we are just good enough
Yes! ❤️
"getting their kicks out of pushing you down". well, that is the story of my 37 year marriage. Now, the new guy is going slow or ghosting not sure, so as we are out in a group often, he announces that we are both stubborn......so I see that as name calling...
I have a video on slow dating if you need help navigating this! 🙏
Find out what kind of person you are that takes time that's what the dating process is all about
Bro where are actual healthy people! I know I’m not bc i attracted a complete narcissist who emotionally abused me… and im trying to do the inner work to understand my childhood trauma. I’m trying to better myself as much as possible and create healthy boundaries. I just hope i can find someone who’s trying to do the inner work too if anything… bc i feel like we all have shit… n I’m not sure anyone is actually fully healthy. But i guess there’s ppl self aware and working on themselves… so that’s good.
Do you need more help understanding your own inner trauma and how to heal?
#selfworth #healthylove #howtodate
Listened to find what are red flags about the guy... And then realise I'm doing the red flag stuff 😳
Maybe I'm not ready...
@@LoveByDesign I am so glad you said we do not need to be 100% healed/perfect to date. This is one of the things that hold me back from dating at all. I do not feel worthy because of 34 years of known abuse. I feel no one would want me. I know that it is absolute rubbish thinking. I am working on it.
I hope you read The Drama of The Gifted Child or CPTSD: from surviving to Thriving. Best of health wished on your journey.
@@angelamossucco2190 I have not heard of this book. I was that gifted child and it was definitely used against me. I'll have a look at it. Thank you for the recommendation.
@@angelamossucco2190 Thanks for the book recommendation!
It's definitely good to be aware of this - and start doing the work from there. This webinar will show you how to heal your patterns: www.healyourheart.school/webinar
I feel like this video is saying that you need to date only psychologically educated and aware people.
That’s my personal preference, so I’m not surprised my bias comes through into the video. But honestly have your own preferences here ❤️
Anybody know where to meet healthy minded ppl ? Lol like the park ?? The gym?? Ahhh where do I go? bc it ain’t the bar and it ain’t the apps.
I've met some lovely healthy people out in the wild, and also on the apps. It just takes time and a lot of discernment to find them :-)
Everything you said makes a lot of sense. People need to hear this. When I was young I had no idea about these things and unfortunately had to learn all of this from experiences. Hopefully some ppl will listen to this and won’t need real life lessons to understand what you are saying. Lol
I'm glad this video made sense for you! Personal experience is also extremely valuable 🙏
Playful teasing can be a way a man shows you he likes you.
I don't like doing that, as I find when a man teases me it can escalate into an unhealthy power dynamic. But if it works for you, great!
I’m glad to have this in my radar so I can be more discerning.
I do this when I like a woman. If you take it as a "red flag" you might end up in a little boring relationship.
I think it's important to remember that it's the intention behind the act that determines what is ment. Not how it's experienced - eventhough that means something too.
I think it's important to understand what you need the relationship for in the first place in order to determine if it's a behavior that serves the purpose of said relationship. Do you want someone to be able to remind you that you're too full of yourself at times? Then teasing is brilliant.
Just a little to add to give some other perspective.
I think she means "make fun of/tease you" as in disrespecting you, that's what I think making fun of someone means, especially when they aren't enjoying it. Playful teasing is something different, in my opinion.
What about abusing steroids ?
In what context?
It's human to have problems and not being perfect. If I met someone checking all those good boxes I would suspect a psychopathic diagnosis.
We are definitely not aiming for perfect! If I met someone who seemed 'perfect' I'd know my subconscious patterns were playing out big time.
Don't think you know what you are talking about. She never said that during the video.
😊👍👍👍❤
❤️
Her notes and talking were a tad distracting
Isn't that what a video is about? 😅 What should it look like?
@@thecurrentmoment yeah I was just trying to paraphrase my noyes
Hi ☺️ without my notes and my talking there would be nothing in the video 😅
Timestamps would be great.
Good video nonetheless, but please add timestamps. It's 2023.
😂 I'm cultivating an audience that listens to my entire videos, rather than skipping bits. Perhaps this is not the right channel for you ❤️
@LoveByDesign I did listen to the whole video. I like to be able to sift back through parts of the video, so timestamps help a lot
Sounds like a free pass for the guy to ignore her and refuse to open up. Pretty harmful to peddle such stuff. Also remember cultural differences.
What on earth are you talking about? Are you replying to this video or another one? 😂
I’m also confused by this comment.
I was feeling anxious about the fact that I might’ve chosen the wrong girl to date, because lately I’ve been feeling that we don’t communicate as much as before (we’re not a official yet and we’re on distance till December) The thing that made me stick up with her is that she chose to fight for us so early (we stopped talking for a week because we both tough we weren’t interested on each other, and when she knew how I was feeling she called me to tell me she didn’t wanted things to end like this), weeks after that we talked about the months ahead of us till December, and she told me that she was about end up things with me, but felt a spark on her heart that told her no to do so, and that meant so much to me.🥹
I got all them green ✅
Amazing!