Another double standard: not being allowed time and space to analyse feelings of anger towards the person when it's okay for them to walk away and come back whenever it suits them.
Elizaharp I noticed that too. Couple weeks ago he said, “I just wanted to give you a heads up bc I’m going to Atlanta for a few days.” Without realizing it the expression on my face and body language changed instantly. I was obviously over the moon and told authentically told him “that’s great! Have a great time.” Then as he walked out the door I shot him the bird without even looking in his direction. I just kept watching narc videos that he could clearly hear the audio. Lol
Yes!! He would give silent treatment as punishment until he's satisfied but we're not allowed to do the same thing when we're mad at him, and he would terrorize us with endless messages and calls and practically force us to stop ignoring him like a fucking 5 year old. Thankfully I'm a feminist so that kind of shit doesn't work on me and I left the relationship. Narcissist more like nazissist. Never again.
Here is one of my favorite sayings: "I walked away because you were too busy finding faults in me while I was too busy overlooking yours." Truth! What a relief it is to not have to deal with all of the head and heart games anymore. Sad but true. I feel more at peace than I have in many years and I actually sleep at night now. It has only been a month so I still have the angry and tearful days but that's OK because I KNOW I am healing and getting stronger. I know it is the grief process. No more double standards, or ANY of the craziness, for me!
so true, i'm going through the healing process right now,, I already feel better, although it still hurts, no more head and heart games, what an awful woman she is,,, bless all of us who survived the insanity!
Kat Lat: I really like that saying! I'll have to remember that one. This is rather mean, but I'll share it. My ex-husband always made me feel unattractive and unloved. One day, he made an ugly comment about my hair...."I don't like your hair...how you "poufed it."(It wasn't "poufy"). So, I replied..."I didn't have you in mind when I styled it this way."
@@valeriegriner5644 That doesn't sound "rather mean" as you put it. It sounds defensive...maybe....but they ask for it and push us to a point where we say and do things that we normally wouldn't do. Sometimes when I made that kind of comment I actually felt I was giving him some of his own medicine and it felt good! There is only so much you can take before you start giving it back in MUCH smaller ways than they have been handing it out. At least that is the conclusion I came to for myself. Part of why I left is because I didn't like the person I was becoming, I wanted to be me again and not need to have "come backs" for his abuse.
@@kathasfaith7643 Actually, I didn't like the person that I was becoming either. My ex-husband loved to provoke me, and I'm usually pretty calm and easygoing. I wish that I had caught onto "the game" before I spent over half my life in a very toxic situation. He was an alcoholic, too, and that added fuel to his narcissistic abuse. I'm not saying that I don't have flaws, but I didn't deserve what he dished out for 28 years. Anyway, I'm better now, and I pray for him and hope he finds his way, too.
Narcissists live by and survive on double standards. Don't expect anything other than double standards when dealing with narcissists. Good luck trying to get them to treat you as an equal.
That's actually not fair to the brick wall. I can bounce ideas off of it and tell it about my day without it actively ignoring me until it wants to tell me all about its day.
Joe c - They have their own internal calculators- you earned nothing no matter how hard you worked and they deserve everything. They suck whatever someone else deserved right out of that person’s lungs.
Except that brick wall insists on controlling everything about you, and will get the shits and take it out on you in a multitude of ways if it doesn't get its way haha
They have insane capability of playing dumb. Of pretending to not know what you're talking about when you expose their wrong doing and double(or even multiple) standards.
These double standards really hit the mark. It took me the longest time to figure that I wasn't having a genuine emotional exchange with the narcissist.
@@takyiyakvsi Fantasy is right!!! 🙄🙄🙄 💖💖💖 I've been through all this for decades ago, B4 all this was defined. When I watch Dr. C., he clarifies my life!! I've been there, & through that! Amazingly, I'm Still Here!! We will live & not die. AND! I never believed it back then, when people told me, "Some day, you'll look back & Laugh!!". But today, I'm 68, & I tell younger people that ! 💗💗💗
Here’s one: “I can chat to anyone I like on Facebook or like whomever’s photos, but if you do it, you must be cheating with whomever you’re chatting to / liking”
Revisionist history. It's the worst. Your once labeled perfect date can now be a story riddled with how everyone from the cab driver to the waiter to the friends you met up with to the dog greeting you at the door when you got home all hated you. Revisionist history will get you worked up and defending yourself more than anything. Watch out for it
I called a narcissist Narc Vader and he acted like I shot him in the heart 😂 Even after all the mean things he's said to other people how dare I call him Narc Vader. But it's true, I keep picturing the Darth Vader theme every time he walks in the room.
HA! That's funny Tamara 🤣 I think of my Ex- Narc as the "Dormentor" in Harry Potter that sucks the life & energy out of us Empaths.....or " Rasputin" the evil monk that took down the entire Russian Royal Family with his Narsisist ways
This is hilarious. After putting up with one vicious insult after another in an exchange with my narcissistic cousin, I observed that he seemed to have the same regard for humanity as the Nazis had. He pouted, then said, "You have verbally abused me."
One thing I find odd is that after being married to a covert narcissist for 14 years, I've taken on some of these characteristics as a defensive measure to protect myself against their tactics. They're so self-centered that you have to start forcing yourself to value your own opinions and thoughts and feelings just to survive.
Regarding " alternate reality", one of my spouse's favorite remarks is , "Let me tell you the way things are"- as if he is the keeper of truth. And of course, his " truth" is ALWAYS distorted and slanted so that he is always blameless and a victim.
Thank you Dr. Les. 🙏 I am from India. These videos are helping me keep myself mentally strong, sane and healthy. It is helping my physical health too. Because of narcissist abuse, I suffered severe depression. It affected my physical health very badly, that I got high fever and severe tonsillitis plus even worse depression. I am getting myself back up with your videos. Thank you for your knowledge Dr. Les. I wait for these videos, my source of healing.🙏
I had no idea what was going on in my marriage until I found Dr Les. I didn't even recognize my own depression. Dr, you're videos have saved me. I have implemented boundaries and with your help, I now understand what I'm dealing with and your tools have made all the difference. I know I'm in the middle of life changing decisions. I am learning and practicing how to take care of myself and to put myself first as well as identifying when my narc is trying to manipulate. Dealing with this is all about having the knowledge and tools. Thank you!
Kavita Yadav Bless you. I identify with your story. My narcissist walked out when I stopped owning his emotions, talking then into my body, trying to calm the storm and make it better. I let him complain and didn't try to fix it or another him with sympathy. I simply offered to make him a cup a tea or draw a bath with it taking his state on my shoulders. He blew up into a rage and walked out because he wasn't getting to kick the dog in order to feel better. Been gone ever since.
Number 4 always astounds me. He can instantly rage with his invisible megaphone, waking the dead with his shouting, but if I ever get loud or mismanage myself with him, I have 'anger issues and need serious help'. I have point blank asked him: " so let me get this straight. When I react too intensely with you it's my fault and when you react too intensely with me it's also my fault." Him "yep. I simply wouldn't have those reactions if you weren't here." Don't they realize anyone who lives in a vacuum will never react to anyone else?
I've never owned a dog, only a cat. However, I'm prepared to forgive him his narcissistic tendencies because he's good company. This is unlike the true narcissist in the house, who bites and scratches (verbally) far worse than the cat ever would, and at least the cat pretends he loves you 😁
These narcissists love to get into positions of power over seniors especially--control, fear and confusion makes them so dangerous in these sorts of employment and they get away with it until they get overconfident and sloppy. I can't thank you enough for your continued insights.
Oh my Lord --- yes. I'm attempting to care for my 96 year old Dad in his home. The family narcissist is making this 1000% more difficult than it normally would have to be. "Dangerous" is the word for it. I finally sought legal assistance. Fingers crossed.
@@kesmarn all the best to you and your Dad. I am taking care of my adopted father. I am lucky that he made sure that he protected me legally over two decades ago. He has two biological daughters that only come around looking for money. But are no where to be found unless they want something. He and my late biological mother did it in such away, that it is more ironclad than a last will and testament. Before my mother passed away, he told his biological daughters of the decision he had made and why. The oldest daughter called me six months after my mother's passing. Insisting that she was going to talk to her dad about some much needed changes. Wanting to know if I would sign the paperwork necessary to change his deed. At which time, I reminded her that half of the estate belonged to my biological mother. For which she and her sister had no legal claim. I then told her if they were involved in our dad's life, they would know that he had been diagnosed with dementia. That I could prove it by means of his medical records. That with the diagnosis of dementia, our dad was considered by law mentally incapacitated and unable to legally make such changes. She got her nickers in a bunch. That was three and a half years ago. Nothing has been changed. I haven't heard another word from her. Sometimes you just have to be stern and stand your ground with a narcissist. The trash will find away to take itself out.
@@sarahcrain8083 Your adopted father is so fortunate to have you in his life. I can only imagine what his life would be like now if he were left to the "tender mercies" of his biological children!
@@kesmarn I stopped and said a prayer over your post yesterday. May the vortex being created in your life by a narcissist flee from your life. May peace and happiness soon reside where the storm of the narcissist's negative emotions brew. Thank you for your kind words. I make a lot of mistakes as my Dad's caregiver. I do my best to protect and keep him safe. I know without a ounce of doubt that God will bless your journey as you love and care for your Dad. May the light of the Lord reveal the stones laying in your path. So that you may be able to kick them to the side, as you walk by faith. ❤️
@@sarahcrain8083 I'm so touched by your kind and thoughtful prayer. Thank you very much. And you were very intuitive when you mentioned those "stones in the path." It's amazing how many times I was alerted to some malicious activity planned by this person just in time to avert it. Well, maybe not so amazing after all -- when you consider Who is really in charge. Wishing you also all the very best on a difficult journey. May God reward you for all the good you've done.
Awhile back, at age 27, I felt like an 80 year old. This was 7 years into the marriage with a narc. I knew if I stayed, it would literally kill me. Got free 3 years later, and felt and looked like a new person ever since.
@@rebekahmoore6818 : I married a narc and after hearing these videos and reading comments, and in answer to yours, I wouldn't of known what I was getting into. The narc behavior started after we were married. At first I thought I'd try to change him and of course I was totally in love. Then after having children I started getting sick with deep depression and severe asthma. After 17 years, left him, moved far away, eventually healed (both physically and emotionally) and have lived a very peaceful life. Stay well and safe.
Number 8 was the one that messed with my head the most. He was soo defensive I had to be so careful of anything even slightly negative but when I'd try to defend myself (especially when I hadn't actually done anything), he say things like 'you always make excuses' or 'you think you're so right' or 'do you hear yourself?'. It made me wonder if I did make excuses and lacked personal responsibility. I don't. But I thought that.
I love the sarcasm in his voice towards narcissists. It really makes me feel like he 'gets it' and he totally understands how crazy and ridiculous they are. I also love when Gus is in the video!
So true , they are so DELUSIONAL an sickening , evil creatures!!!! Tks so much for all your vidoes an helping us victims !!!!You're a God sent , NO DOUBT !!!!!
They have demons...seriously, they do(at least the two in my life are demonic). Otherwise, why would they stalk, lie, gossip, plot and hurt others all the time? I pray for them...because they are actually pretty pitiful.
@@all-in-onegamerhd2076 trust me, u r right...my abusive covert narc mother is 92, yup u read that right 92 years old and is STILL the same abusive narc she has been all her life. Zero insight in herself; zero personal responsibility for her devastating narc ways that fractured and ruined the family over the course of approx. 55-60 yrs; zero remorse for the horrific fallout from her nonstop narc abuse, and on and on and on...they never, ever, ever change. No contact is the only way to" interact" with them.
Once you're healed and dont get triggered anymore, it is almost laughable... because they can't manipulate you anymore. Oh, and to make it more confusing, they'll tell YOU that you are the one with double standards 😂🙄🙄 most frustrating people in the entire world.
Narcissist are always double standard & one sided about everything & anything . Everything you're saying is true . These narcs are such drama queens & kings and they love instigating & creating double standards .
This is really wonderful! My mother was and is the queen of double standards. She would actually say, “Don’t do as I do, do what I say do” followed by a threat of physical violence (on her underweight daughter) if I didn’t obey. Even into adulthood. So glad I’m no contact. The eggshell floors I always walked on with her disappeared when I went silent. Sweet relief.
“Do as I say, Not as I do”, was also my mother’s mantra. As a youth, I had my face ground into the carpet, bones broken, and uncountable yard sticks and switches broken over my back. 59 years of “stupid” before videos like this tipped the scale. Over 2 years of blissful silence since then. Peace be with you Staci. Thank you Doc for giving us our lives back.
Victor Kroud I’m sorry you had to go through all that, and applaud the fact that you were able to go and stay no contact. It takes a huge amount of strength and resolve no matter the circumstance, but, as you know, necessary when enough is enough.
Victor Kroud , I identify with your experiences only some of the relief didn’t come for me until the death of some of the narcissists. Yes, I did get some relief during periods of no contact or what was euphemistically referred to as times when the narcissist “disowned” me (a sweet time) but they didn’t last because I was always worried about the safety of my younger siblings.
@@lindabermudez-hafer5440 same here. Ive been disinherited, disowned, hung up on, silent treatment-ed, yanked financially not even to mention emotionally, etcetc, (even physically hit-- that was less frequent but did occur), COUNTLESS times. And these responses ALWAYS happened when i stood my ground and refused to bend over for their abuse. No contact. Cut them out of your life. Its ur life or theirs, gotta choose urs.
Every time I'm struggling to deal with my narc (my babys dad), I just need to watch few of your vids and it brings me back my strength. I remember again who I'm dealing with. Thank you!
Thank you. This video is so enlightening and helps process the craziness to which I've been submitting in my marriage. It's like I'm waking from feeling deflated and defeated. My blood boils with the desire to say that I've been a victim of this kind of treatment for 19 years... but I have to admit (albeit reluctantly) that ultimately I'm not a victim: I'm a volunteer. I volunteered for this. Happily, yesterday we announced to the kids that we are divorcing. Good-bye double standards. Good-bye crazy-making. Good-bye. Good-bye. Good-bye. (And good riddance.)
yes,yes,yes.that checklist sounds like my narcissistic relatives.One standard for us,and another for you.Its enraging.And of course, if i point this out,no one wants to hear it.I have panic attacks from the narcissistic abuse i have endured at family gatherings.thank you dr.carter.DJIgnatin ,philadelphia,pa.
Thank you. I feel like I'm communicating in a foreign language. I try and try to communicate but I am always the one who's wrong and I get the anger and silent treatment every time I try to speak up for myself. I am always wrong. It happened again today. They don't listen to me or respect me. They talk behind my back. I am not even allowed to visit my little sister and her family. I have been so sick for over twenty years. I have gotten worse the last few years. I don't leave the house much I have so little energy and so much physical pain. I am always home alone. They don't even believe or recognize how sick I am or how hard I've been fighting for so long. My second husband and I are separated. He was terribly verbally abusive. I have no one. I have lost all hope. I feel so desperate.
Sounds like you are a scapegoat. You must be willing to let go your family and NC with them all. They suck your energy, that's why you are sick. When you seek for support & positive energy, negative and toxic energy is what you receive. No family is better than toxic family. You have to cut no contact, and be a supply no more. God is your only hope. Have you turn to Him? When you lost all hope, you can only turn to God.
I love how you described the narcissist interactions with other people as a PR campaign. It captures the essence of what they are doing, the only thing that matters to them, and that is making themselves look good. Great reminder. Thank you.
Every time I watch one of these videos I feel a burden lifted. I realize I'm not who or what he said I was. I am more in touch with my desired and undesired characteristics, and realize I'm not this monster he made me out to be. Thank you for the knowledge that validates and liberates.
My mother took full advantage of the parent/child relationship to enforce most of these double standards. After all, when you're so insecure, isn't it so much easier to make yourself feel more powerful by pushing your thoughts and opinions onto a child? The younger you start on them the easier it is, because they accept your treatment of them and they believe what you say. The weird thing is that despite the way I was spoken to, the beliefs instilled in me, the refusal to acknowledge my feelings, I always had some kind of feeling that her behaviour wasn't right. Now, of course, I know it wasn't me!! The hardest thing I struggle with is letting go of the fact that she can never change and that somehow I need to accept her self-destructive ways. Even after my recent major surgery she tried avoiding asking me how I was, and spent at least the first 5 minutes telling me about her ailments and how busy she was. In fact, the cat got a mention before, grudgingly, she slipped in a, "are you ok then?" before going back to telling me about her day! It's a good job there was still enough anaesthetic stuck in my brain to numb her inability to show any warmth or empathy towards me. If it had been the other way round, and she had been the one having surgery, she would have expected all the fuss imaginable and everyone giving her all their attention. Definitely a fine example of her double standards. Oh, in case anyone is interested, I am 55 and she is 83, so I'm pretty sure she's not going to change now!
Doctor Carter my ex did all that. It was so abusive and so frustrating even when she tries to control who I told what was going on trying to shame me telling me I had a big mouth besides all the other games and lies and gaslighting and projection etc
Gus is a love bug. I love animals, books. Music and indie/foreign films. And Paris. Am I an HSP, introvert, empath, child of abuse? Well yes. Yes I am. Thank you for your kindness, Dr. Carter. You remind us traumatized souls that not everyone is a garbage person.
These people are TOXIC and best avoided at all cost. Your going to get told you can’t do it and they will get angry when losing perceived control. So do EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT as the end result is they will be angry either way.
Dr. Carter, I was late to this particular party but it's spot on! You have no idea how much you're helping me. Thank you! Thank you!💜 Gus is adorable but just like my Shih Tzu, he really doesn't seem thrilled to be in front of the camera. So cute!😆👍
One of your best videos. They keep getting better, more succinct, and more understandable. I love Gus! You are lifting me from depression day by day. Thank you. I now know what is going on. THANKS!
If a lot of people were more like Gus, we'd all get along so much better. When I'm feeling down and crushed by my extremely selfish, narcisstic husband, whom I can't afford to leave, watching your videos are so uplifting. Seeing Gus at the end of this video, is like the icing on the cake. I love dogs. In fact, I love all animals. I find my little terrier, Teddy, very comforting. He and Gus would get along very well, I think.
The clear descriptions provide such reluef from the crazymaking! It makes it so much easier to just accept them like accepting bad weather. It helps me not get mad, but just get out of the way!
I'm overwhelmed every time I listen to one of your videos. I WISH I could have seen these years ago! Every video describes the life I lived with my ex-husband for 23 years. EVERYTHING that you say will come out of the narcissists mouth, came out of his! Thank you for confirming what I knew in my heart wasn't right.
Yes, I used to think that. Life was full of double standards. Accountable, secrets, lying by omission, going into a rage, spend all the time with his family...ugh! I used to think possessive = controlling = abusive, but never new about narcissism. When I got out of the relationship (which I lost my job and 2 weeks later he kicked me out on the spot with no where to go at 62 like a piece of discusting trash never to talk agin after 4 1/2 yrs) I felt I got rid of a big thumb pushing me down. I was so broken, but I'm getting better. I cried everyday for 3 months that I gave my heart to a cold hearted soulless not even human. If I ever have to look in his eyes again I will see the devil.
A good empath is an empath with a strong military system. Don't be so forgiving. I know, I know my comment must be criticized by forgivers out there. Forgiveness exists, but justice comes first. 😉
Yes, we are called to "forgive". We are not called to be door mats either. We can forgive them, block them and go no contact. Forgiving someone that has wronged you does not mean you need to stay or keep them in your life. Forgiveness is not for them anyway, it is for YOU. You do not want to carry unforgiveness around like a giant boulder around your neck. Yes, forgive or be forgiving, but don't be a door mat. If they continue to mentally or physically abuse you over and over do not stand for that. Leave, block and go no contact. Forgive them in you heart once you are gone, but then MOVE ON. Block forever and go no contact. Do not look at any of their social media accounts or anyone they know.
Nice clear simple presentation defining those double standards. Right on target. What understandably is not emphasized in this particular video, because it requires a video of its own, is the abusiveness of how these hypocrisies are enforced. The insults, guilting, shaming, gaslighting, and physical attacks when the narcs partner does not fall into line. This abuse creates fear and self doubt. The victim may need intervention to know how to set boundaries and think clearly for himself. Very often the narc makes it unsafe for the victim to attempt to defend himself or be resistant to the narcs games. They control and withhold things important to the partner, threaten, start smear campaigns, and generally make life even more miserable. Which they are able to do with great precision since they know all the partners vulnerabilities. And often no one else is able to see what is going on, so any complaints by the victim makes him look foolish or crazy. He receives no support which increases his self doubt, emotionally crippling him further. It’s a terrible trap.
So very true....all these double standard rules are a part of their being the center of the world. He has such wise advise on how to deal with the narc in your life, weather family or spouse or even friends and work mates.
Unfortunately, all true. My narc spouse confuses his feelings and opinions with facts- if he thinks it or feels it, it's presented as factual. I'm told I can have opinions (gee, thanks), but to keep them to myself.
To them, their feelings ARE facts. That's the alternate reality he references in this video. What they feel is how things are. Period. The crazy making really begins when they start telling you that actual facts are merely your misguided feelings.
Your videos not only help me to understand the narcissist, but helps me to see where I sometimes imitate the narcissist. I want to stay on the path of healing self.
Thank you, Dr. Carter, for describing my Mother PERFECTLY It helps immensely to know I'm not the crazy one for thinking she has double standards with me
Dr. C as a long time fan, I have to say this was one of your finest! Loved the Jewish proverb. Narcissists are not lifelong learners. They do not seek or accept input or wisdom from others. They are unable to collaborate.. have you noticed that? Woof to Gus.
I was married to a narcissist for 33 years. They lie, steal, gaslight, have unwritten rules and cheat. Everytime I caught her in a lie she blamed it on me.
Andddd...I've been calling him a hypocrite since day one. THIS VIDEO gives the MOST validation to exactly what only I knew to be true. They have a lot of nerve.
I would love to hear about how they bait you. They say things to make you doubt their morals and then call you accusing and judgemental when you ask questions to clarify. Also vague and covert physical threats, sleep deprivation, taunting... I grew up this way so it took a lot of work to stop blaming myself and noticing these things wss even harder! These tactics work so they could play the victim and strike you down hard. No. As soon as you expose some vague moral foible like "it's normal to want to sleep with other people..." Boom. Now... I believe you! No going back. No strikes with certain topics. I will now politely be on my way because you told me who you are. No calling me jealous later because I believed your "distasteful joke" or you're dedicated to being "honest" and I need to learn to live in reality. You don't define reality. God did that. And now through our free will we define our character. You say violence is golden??? the final denominator???? or whatever. Boom. You told me who you are. No arguments. No hoping it's different and you're just "playing debate team." I'm afraid of you and won't be around you. I think differently and have faith that God is all powerful. Violent people are giving away their power for temporary relief of frustration. I let him get to me but I learned and got stronger. Listen when people tell you who they are. Believe them. Respect their right to their opinion and if it's not compatible with your safety and health gtfo. If someone tells you they don't care what you think... They mean it. Be real about yourself and believe others. It's real. There are really people who feel entitled to control and harm you and are fully aware of this and it's not subconscious or from lack of enlightenment. That's really just their point of view about how the world works!!! They think "control or be controlled." They do not understand cooperation. Esp some men in regards to women and vice versa. Good luck out there people! Prayers for everyone!
This really rang a bell for me....When he would scream at me--call me names, the old FU--and such..He would say I don't care what you think of me.....Bragging about having slept with many women--when married and other married women. Boggles the mind to think that they think they are impressing you. Then when you set boundaries--they in return give you the silent treatment to punish you...Everything is a game..They think they win--but, in reality--they are their own worse enemy. They can not love or have any accountability for their actions. It is their normal..they want you to be their doormat....It is all about controlling you.... Walk away from anyone like this....it is the same song and dance with everyone they are involved with....Immature children who never grew up and took responsibilty for what they do to others. They are so severely broken--but, to them you are the one who is always wrong....
@@gonelikethewind7616 So hard to accept, but I'm just beginning to see it more and more clearly and I hate it. But everyone has their own path and their own choices to make and their own relationship with God and I don't get to pick that for them no matter how much I think I know what's best for them. I just pray for God to bless them. And me because God knows I need it and I know it too! 😬😀 ❤ Hope you heal from all that you've been through and have peace now!
Released a lot of confusion and internal disharmony, today. Thanks for reality testing with us. It is easy to get confused by narcissists when your a part of an afflicted family and want to love and be loved. Thanks for helping get feet on solid ground. p.s. Wonderful Gus is here, today - Love that sweet fellow!
I like your comment about "being part of an afflicted family." I, too, would just like to "love and be loved" for who I am...not who my narcissistic mother thinks I "should be." I still find myself feeling like a shy, injured child around her...and she's 83 and I'm nearly 62...go figure. Hope you are doing well. God bless!
Valerie, I am 72 and my Mother is 97. Love her and would like to visit, however, it is not possible to meet her expectations and the judgements are harsh (and, yes, painful.) She is frail. Would be great if respectful, mutual comfort and caring were possible. I am able to provide some - from a distance. There is much about her that is beautiful. Would be great if she were able to relax control and allow mutual appreciation, without harsh demanding judgements based on feelings (there is resistance to facts.) There is a lack of ability to (or interest in) considering the humanity/circumstances of others' lives. Compassion is meaningful for both ourselves and the afflicted. It does seem to be a disease. It has taken me a long time to realize there is little I can do to bring her peace, without giving up authenticity. The effects on my family have been almost horrifying. I think possibly the best opportunity life provides is learning to better love and have compassion for each other, and ourselves. The human condition entails suffering for ALL of us - The load is lighter if mutual love, support and positive regard is part of the journey. (Dr. Carter brings us an astounding amount of this.) I wish you great goodness, peace and compassion - And, additionally, more and more of the vitality and groundness so well-nourished by Dr. Carter's gifts to us. Thank you for your kind reply.
@@19Deirdre46 Thank-you for sharing your story. My mother is not frail at all(unless she "fakes it"... to get attention). She's what I'd call a "social butterfly." Her life is totally wrapped around her shopping, her bridge club, the beauty shop, her flashy diamonds and a weekly manicure appointment. She never has gotten this one TRUTH....beauty comes from the INSIDE...not the outside. When I think of those whom I have loved... for their warmth(and authenticity), none are what I'd call "stunningly attractive"(on the outside). If my mother needed me in an emergency, she knows she can call. Otherwise, I just can't find ANY common ground and I have taken all the poison arrows my heart can take from her in one lifetime.
@@valeriegriner5644 The "poison arrow" analogy is so apt! And often aimed DIRECTLY at the heart. The splitting, behind the back gaslighting, and enlisting of "flying monkies" can be death dealing. It is very hazardous to be close to them. Count on being exploited if you are useful and trashed the moment there needs are met - to re-enforce their superiority/my "defectiveness". Looking at them as afflicted sets a bit of objective distance from them and the internal toxic effects that affect my psyche. I stay away from them these days. Just burned way too many times trying to have "normal" relationships. Hope is not always a good thing. Sometimes it is just delusional. Dr. Carter's videos are immensely valuable in providing information/knowledge that clears the air. Thank you for each word of sharing, my beautiful friend!
I am not Neil , You are brilliant , you make sense of the nonsense , much appreciated . I have survived at least six narcissists who are also sadists, they will outright lie to your face , and steel from you , they have no conscience , they enjoy the suffering of others , they have no respect for others , they can not be trusted . Those I survive from were - 1. my oldest sister , 2. my first serious relationship ex , 3. my younger sisters boyfriend , 4. head of the building dept , 5. his lawyer , 6 .ex roommate , each one is vicious . Caught each one in serous lies . They will do anything to harm you in any way they can , financially and emotionally . Life is sooooo much better without them . When trust has been violated there isn't a relationship anymore . They can really mess with you and they will go out of there way to cause harm . I definitely recommend getting away from sadists even if it costs you financially , cost you friends and family relationships . There is no working things out with them because they do not care about facts or want your opinion is , they desire and thrive on chaos . My belief in judgement day helped me survive them and keeps me sane . thank you for your excellent videos
Thank you so much for your videos. It is very helpful to have validation that my feelings and intuition are not wrong. When you are involved with a narcissist, he or she will make you question your own sanity, your values, your worth - everything you worked your whole life to make right, to be proud of. I hope I will never choose another partner who will create such destruction on my world.
Secretive, they can curse you, you're not allowed to say anything, you have to follow their rules, they tell you that you are crazy, they have extreme anger and it's all directed at you. Dr C you are right on. They wear you out physically and mentally. They ate childish in their behavior. It's a daily battle. We have to be very strong or they will take over your home and your peace. Bless you Dr Carter.
Whenever I have attempted to defend myself (big mistake) to my spouse, he always accuses me of "making excuses". He doesn't accept logical, rational explanations for anything because he always had to be right. And conversely, he tries to defend his completely indefensible behaviors by making the lamest excuses, and I'm supposed to accept that without any reservation- even when he lies.
Dr Carter, I love your wise and dignified videos. The narcissist in my life is nasty to me, but charming and caring with others.... he's actually betraying me so he wants to break me, and show me in a bad light and make his new friend look saintly
Thank you Dr. Carter for further defining the ultimate selfishness of Narcissists. Kind of like your terrific companion dog Gus, who probably barks and growls to warn of various threats and dangers.🐾
I’ve only just realised from watching this video, the differences between my family and my in-laws. Whenever I speak with or visit my in-laws, they always enquire about the well being of my family. They remember my family’s names and what I’ve told them about what is happening with them. I don’t have much contact with my family these days, but in the early days of my marriage I had more contact. The only contact I have now is via an aunt who recently went though some serious health issues, she suffered a number of heart attacks and was in hospital for a while. My late husband’s family called me to see that my aunt was ok and asked me to send her their best wishes for a speedy recovery. But with my family, they make no attempt to know my late husband’s family. They don’t even remember their names. It’s as if they are of no significance to them. I told my aunt that Kevin’s cousin sent her best wishes for a speedy recovery and my aunt said, who? I had to remind her that they were introduced to one another at my wedding and that this cousin always asks after my aunt because my aunt had made a good impression on this cousin. But all my aunt could say was, well that’s Kevin’s family, not yours. After I lost my husband just over 4 years ago. My late husband’s family wrapped themselves around me and gave me all the support and love I needed to pick myself back up again. My aunt and her two sons (my cousins), were the only attendees from my family to come to the funeral. Not a single member of my family stayed to help me or support me. After the funeral I didn’t receive one phone call from my family to see how I was coping. And yet my husband’s family were and still are a major part of my life. It’s like you say in this video Dr Carter, my relationships with others is of no importance to them but to the narcissist’s, their relationships as they see it is everything. They have my pity because I can see how there responses limits the quality of their lives. Thank you 🙏 for this video.
The Biblical story of Ruth and Naomi comes to mind. You were so blessed to marry into a functional family; and I'm sure you were a blessing to them too. I imagine it helped a lot to make up for a lack of closeness in your family of origin. Unfortunately I married into a cold and rejecting family (which -- apparently -- at the time was what I thought I deserved). If only I could have known then what I've learned since... And a fair amount of that learning has happened thanks to Dr. C!
I’m sorry to hear your you had those experiences with your husband’s family, and notwithstanding my own positive experiences of my in-laws, I still firmly believe that when we marry, we marry our spouses and not their family. It’s great 👍 if we can get along with them but our main relationship is with the person we chose as our partner. I’m glad you’ve found Dr Carter’s videos. I find them so helpful. I only wish this kind of resource had been available when I was growing up. ❤️
Well said ! my mother was a nars, she taught my daughter to be one, she's 58 yrs old and still not grown up. They do all they can to destroy you, there's not one ounce of love in these kind of people, all you have was put there for them to take. 👹!!!!
When in grad school, I was working, and we were going out to eat more than usual as a family. I was in charge of the housework and cooking (no surprise there when married to a narc) and was too exhausted to cook some nights. I suggested when we did go out to eat, I, my daughter, and then husband would take turns choosing restaurants. My then narc husband said something like "You are so selfish because you just want to eat where you want to eat." I responded, yes, a third of the time since there are three people on our family. In his mind, if I ever got to choose the restaurant, I was being selfish. What restaurant you eat at is not a big deal, but this example shows the mindset of a narc.
Exactly as Dr Les said, they won't even listen to themselves. If I could tell my mother today about these double standards she would surely say: "of course it doesn't apply to me, I've been living for longer than you, OF COURSE I know better. So you better listen and shut up"
Sometimes you question who was the narc and who was the victim (I DO have certain narcissistic traits at times). Then you come across a video like this.
Oh number 4!! Yes if I raised my voice well that’s not allowed. But he could yell, curse and insult. And yes you cannot defend yourself and my feelings would be dismissed.
My narcissistic mom always says end of story after she barks her orders. She says I need your help because I can't do for myself because I'm old. She's only 64. If I need her to help me she'll tell me no one owes you shit in this world. Double standard all way around! Thx for everything that you do. It's definitely making a impact!
My 32 year old Daughter ticks most boxes. I've been no contact for 2 years and the clarity and wellbeing is wonderful. She would have me on the verge of a panic attack. Her expected visit would have me a bag nerves and nausea. That's not good. blessings and stay strong.
It breaks my heart to know that other parents are being abused in this way also, but it brings me some peace to know I am not only. My 37 year old daughter had been emotionally abusing me for years, and I finally experienced a breakdown from the abuse. After more than 20 years of allowing her abuse it brought me to the decision to end my life. The pain of her abuse was more than my coping skills. If not for a call to a hotline for help, I don’t imagine I would be on this beautiful planet any longer. Her abuse pushed me past a breaking point, and I finally reacted back and told her in words that are not of my personality exactly how sick I was of the abuse. My reaction has allowed her to label me as crazy and abusive. All the years I allowed the abuse, the disrespect, the covert abuse that I was to ashamed to share with others, the devaluation......and now she is the victim. I am not allowed to see my grandchildren and that kills my soul a little each day, but the abuse was destroying my heart, my head, and my health. It is heartbreaking to realize this was part of a sick game I didn’t know we were playing.
I’m sorry to hear that and I’m ashamed to admit that’s my reality too. I didn’t know anyone else felt like that. Thanks for posting that. It’s my day off from work and you’ve given me so much strength I actually think I can enjoy it and that’s a first.
jan gandy holy cow I’m in some kind of shock bc my interpretation of RUclips videos was the parent turned my son into what appears to be a Cluster B personality. I had no idea.
Yes so true!! This describes my 30 years of marriage to my narcissistic alcoholic abusive ex husband. It is impossible to coparent with him and he continues to manipulate and control my children to try to turn them on me I love the rule#1 and 2 -I’m always right ...
Nancy Suver don't waste your time being defensive, your kids will conclude it on their own. Do something you love and disengage his drama, you are worth happiness🤗
MsBizzyGurl no some children figure it out by the nature of the parent but it’s possible he’s been disrespecting you when he’s alone with the kids and making you look like the bad one. My daughter see’s right through her father, we all have calm nature’s except him.
After 20yrs of marriage to what I now believe is a Narrcisst, it is so peaceful to know I wasn't losing my mind. The two rules actually made me chuckle. He would always say it exactly like that! Thank you Dr Carter for the work you put in here. It really helps.
Another double standard: not being allowed time and space to analyse feelings of anger towards the person when it's okay for them to walk away and come back whenever it suits them.
Elizaharp I noticed that too. Couple weeks ago he said, “I just wanted to give you a heads up bc I’m going to Atlanta for a few days.” Without realizing it the expression on my face and body language changed instantly. I was obviously over the moon and told authentically told him “that’s great! Have a great time.” Then as he walked out the door I shot him the bird without even looking in his direction. I just kept watching narc videos that he could clearly hear the audio. Lol
Ohh yes, this is so infuriating 🙄
Yes!! He would give silent treatment as punishment until he's satisfied but we're not allowed to do the same thing when we're mad at him, and he would terrorize us with endless messages and calls and practically force us to stop ignoring him like a fucking 5 year old. Thankfully I'm a feminist so that kind of shit doesn't work on me and I left the relationship. Narcissist more like nazissist. Never again.
The CLASSIC narc tactic!!
My wife does this to me all the time. But she usually doesn’t come back to finish the conversation. Just sweeps it under the rug
Here is one of my favorite sayings: "I walked away because you were too busy finding faults in me while I was too busy overlooking yours." Truth! What a relief it is to not have to deal with all of the head and heart games anymore. Sad but true. I feel more at peace than I have in many years and I actually sleep at night now. It has only been a month so I still have the angry and tearful days but that's OK because I KNOW I am healing and getting stronger. I know it is the grief process. No more double standards, or ANY of the craziness, for me!
so true, i'm going through the healing process right now,, I already feel better, although it still hurts, no more head and heart games, what an awful woman she is,,, bless all of us who survived the insanity!
God, yeah. Being able to sleep with being harassed and abused. Blessings.
Kat Lat: I really like that saying! I'll have to remember that one. This is rather mean, but I'll share it. My ex-husband always made me feel unattractive and unloved. One day, he made an ugly comment about my hair...."I don't like your hair...how you "poufed it."(It wasn't "poufy"). So, I replied..."I didn't have you in mind when I styled it this way."
@@valeriegriner5644 That doesn't sound "rather mean" as you put it. It sounds defensive...maybe....but they ask for it and push us to a point where we say and do things that we normally wouldn't do. Sometimes when I made that kind of comment I actually felt I was giving him some of his own medicine and it felt good! There is only so much you can take before you start giving it back in MUCH smaller ways than they have been handing it out. At least that is the conclusion I came to for myself. Part of why I left is because I didn't like the person I was becoming, I wanted to be me again and not need to have "come backs" for his abuse.
@@kathasfaith7643 Actually, I didn't like the person that I was becoming either. My ex-husband loved to provoke me, and I'm usually pretty calm and easygoing. I wish that I had caught onto "the game" before I spent over half my life in a very toxic situation. He was an alcoholic, too, and that added fuel to his narcissistic abuse. I'm not saying that I don't have flaws, but I didn't deserve what he dished out for 28 years. Anyway, I'm better now, and I pray for him and hope he finds his way, too.
Narcissists live by and survive on double standards.
Don't expect anything other than double standards
when dealing with narcissists.
Good luck trying to get them to treat you as an equal.
Trying to get them to treat you as an equal may unfortunately be impossible.
They have brain damage, frontal lobe.
It's a sickness they're not aware of.
It's funny because you can tell how hard it is dealing with these people on the regular. It's like talking to a brick wall.
That's actually not fair to the brick wall. I can bounce ideas off of it and tell it about my day without it actively ignoring me until it wants to tell me all about its day.
INDEED IT IS POINTLESS TRYING TO EXPRESS TO THEM, HOW THEY AFFECT YOU NEGATIVELY
Joe c - They have their own internal calculators- you earned nothing no matter how hard you worked and they deserve everything. They suck whatever someone else deserved right out of that person’s lungs.
Actually brick walls are easier to talk to because they don't manipulate you
Except that brick wall insists on controlling everything about you, and will get the shits and take it out on you in a multitude of ways if it doesn't get its way haha
My favorite of his double standards is “I can be with other women but you can only be with me”
Uh, no! Dr. C
They are world-class hypocrites. Thank you for the work you do.
☝️👍World-class...perfect adjective for the scope of the narcissists' influence and hypocrisy. 🙏☠
EXACTLY! When Dr. Carter started with #1....the word "hypocrite" popped into my mind, too.
They have insane capability of playing dumb.
Of pretending to not know what you're talking
about when you expose their wrong doing and
double(or even multiple) standards.
@@stevenli3034 Yes! And they even say exactly so "I have no idea what you are talking about!" I stopped counting how often I heard that line.
For sure!!!
These double standards really hit the mark. It took me the longest time to figure that I wasn't having a genuine emotional exchange with the narcissist.
I guess it is the hardest for me too. To let go of the fantasy that I can relate with a narcissist on a vulnerable and genuine level.
Is the damage to their brains such that they have no genuine emotional responses??
@@takyiyakvsi Fantasy is right!!! 🙄🙄🙄 💖💖💖
I've been through all this for decades ago, B4 all this was defined. When I watch Dr. C., he clarifies my life!! I've been there, & through that! Amazingly, I'm Still Here!! We will live & not die. AND! I never believed it back then, when people told me, "Some day, you'll look back & Laugh!!". But today, I'm 68, & I tell younger people that ! 💗💗💗
Here’s one: “I can chat to anyone I like on Facebook or like whomever’s photos, but if you do it, you must be cheating with whomever you’re chatting to / liking”
Girrrrrrl, you said it. Lol
Projection!
Narcissists playground.
@Maja Haugen I've been dealing with this for decades, it's rather exhausting and its importance is nill. Just walk away
Great video, you just can't reason with them, you can't state your case, you simply can't be heard on this one way street.
So true. In fact that is an understatement!
It’s scary to me.
My experiences have always ended up being called crazy while they rewrite history.
Painfully true!
Revisionist history. It's the worst. Your once labeled perfect date can now be a story riddled with how everyone from the cab driver to the waiter to the friends you met up with to the dog greeting you at the door when you got home all hated you.
Revisionist history will get you worked up and defending yourself more than anything. Watch out for it
Jamie yes!! That's classic.
They sure do! The question is...is it a defense mechanism or do they truly believe it?
THIS!!!!!💯💯💯
I called a narcissist Narc Vader and he acted like I shot him in the heart 😂 Even after all the mean things he's said to other people how dare I call him Narc Vader. But it's true, I keep picturing the Darth Vader theme every time he walks in the room.
HA! That's funny Tamara 🤣 I think of my Ex- Narc as the "Dormentor" in Harry Potter that sucks the life & energy out of us Empaths.....or " Rasputin" the evil monk that took down the entire Russian Royal Family with his Narsisist ways
NARC VADER. GOOD NAME
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Narc Vader! I love it!
This is hilarious. After putting up with one vicious insult after another in an exchange with my narcissistic cousin, I observed that he seemed to have the same regard for humanity as the Nazis had.
He pouted, then said, "You have verbally abused me."
Hello, my name is Kat. The torturous narcissist & I ended it literally yesterday. This video is him 100%
One thing I find odd is that after being married to a covert narcissist for 14 years, I've taken on some of these characteristics as a defensive measure to protect myself against their tactics. They're so self-centered that you have to start forcing yourself to value your own opinions and thoughts and feelings just to survive.
This is what I mean when I say narcissists are thieves who rob you of your identity. Your task is to get the authentic you back. Dr. C
"It's crazy-making, isn't it?" Perfect summary statement.
Regarding " alternate reality", one of my spouse's favorite remarks is , "Let me tell you the way things are"- as if he is the keeper of truth. And of course, his " truth" is ALWAYS distorted and slanted so that he is always blameless and a victim.
Thank you Dr. Les. 🙏 I am from India. These videos are helping me keep myself mentally strong, sane and healthy. It is helping my physical health too. Because of narcissist abuse, I suffered severe depression. It affected my physical health very badly, that I got high fever and severe tonsillitis plus even worse depression. I am getting myself back up with your videos. Thank you for your knowledge Dr. Les. I wait for these videos, my source of healing.🙏
I had no idea what was going on in my marriage until I found Dr Les. I didn't even recognize my own depression. Dr, you're videos have saved me. I have implemented boundaries and with your help, I now understand what I'm dealing with and your tools have made all the difference. I know I'm in the middle of life changing decisions. I am learning and practicing how to take care of myself and to put myself first as well as identifying when my narc is trying to manipulate. Dealing with this is all about having the knowledge and tools. Thank you!
Kavita Yadav Bless you. I identify with your story. My narcissist walked out when I stopped owning his emotions, talking then into my body, trying to calm the storm and make it better. I let him complain and didn't try to fix it or another him with sympathy. I simply offered to make him a cup a tea or draw a bath with it taking his state on my shoulders. He blew up into a rage and walked out because he wasn't getting to kick the dog in order to feel better. Been gone ever since.
Sounds like you had a strep infection.
Kavita Yadav -prayers for you my friend.
Jamie wise reactions
Number 4 always astounds me.
He can instantly rage with his invisible megaphone, waking the dead with his shouting, but if I ever get loud or mismanage myself with him, I have 'anger issues and need serious help'.
I have point blank asked him:
" so let me get this straight. When I react too intensely with you it's my fault and when you react too intensely with me it's also my fault."
Him "yep. I simply wouldn't have those reactions if you weren't here."
Don't they realize anyone who lives in a vacuum will never react to anyone else?
managra I’m going to have to steal that line “rages loud enough to wake the dead” sorry not sorry
Gus: "Let's all be nice with each other". Is it any wonder I prefer being with my dogs than with people?
I've never owned a dog, only a cat. However, I'm prepared to forgive him his narcissistic tendencies because he's good company. This is unlike the true narcissist in the house, who bites and scratches (verbally) far worse than the cat ever would, and at least the cat pretends he loves you 😁
Edna B Mode you’re hilarious. I’m so glad you were able to keep a sense of humor!
Exactly why I prefer cats and dogs over people! I totally agree!
I understand. Indeed I do.
These narcissists love to get into positions of power over seniors especially--control, fear and confusion makes them so dangerous in these sorts of employment and they get away with it until they get overconfident and sloppy. I can't thank you enough for your continued insights.
Oh my Lord --- yes. I'm attempting to care for my 96 year old Dad in his home. The family narcissist is making this 1000% more difficult than it normally would have to be. "Dangerous" is the word for it. I finally sought legal assistance. Fingers crossed.
@@kesmarn all the best to you and your Dad. I am taking care of my adopted father. I am lucky that he made sure that he protected me legally over two decades ago. He has two biological daughters that only come around looking for money. But are no where to be found unless they want something. He and my late biological mother did it in such away, that it is more ironclad than a last will and testament.
Before my mother passed away, he told his biological daughters of the decision he had made and why. The oldest daughter called me six months after my mother's passing. Insisting that she was going to talk to her dad about some much needed changes. Wanting to know if I would sign the paperwork necessary to change his deed. At which time, I reminded her that half of the estate belonged to my biological mother. For which she and her sister had no legal claim. I then told her if they were involved in our dad's life, they would know that he had been diagnosed with dementia. That I could prove it by means of his medical records. That with the diagnosis of dementia, our dad was considered by law mentally incapacitated and unable to legally make such changes.
She got her nickers in a bunch. That was three and a half years ago. Nothing has been changed. I haven't heard another word from her. Sometimes you just have to be stern and stand your ground with a narcissist. The trash will find away to take itself out.
@@sarahcrain8083 Your adopted father is so fortunate to have you in his life. I can only imagine what his life would be like now if he were left to the "tender mercies" of his biological children!
@@kesmarn I stopped and said a prayer over your post yesterday. May the vortex being created in your life by a narcissist flee from your life. May peace and happiness soon reside where the storm of the narcissist's negative emotions brew.
Thank you for your kind words. I make a lot of mistakes as my Dad's caregiver. I do my best to protect and keep him safe.
I know without a ounce of doubt that God will bless your journey as you love and care for your Dad. May the light of the Lord reveal the stones laying in your path. So that you may be able to kick them to the side, as you walk by faith. ❤️
@@sarahcrain8083 I'm so touched by your kind and thoughtful prayer. Thank you very much. And you were very intuitive when you mentioned those "stones in the path." It's amazing how many times I was alerted to some malicious activity planned by this person just in time to avert it. Well, maybe not so amazing after all -- when you consider Who is really in charge. Wishing you also all the very best on a difficult journey. May God reward you for all the good you've done.
Awhile back, at age 27, I felt like an 80 year old. This was 7 years into the marriage with a narc. I knew if I stayed, it would literally kill me. Got free 3 years later, and felt and looked like a new person ever since.
Pleased for you! Dr. C
Omg this exactly how I feel now, I was thinking about this yesterday why I feel old living with him, meanwhile he is enjoying his life without me
Thank you so much .....wish I had this understanding fifty years ago
Same here...needed this 50+ yrs ago, so little time left to live narc free but im gonna go for it.
Brenda Serwa me too!! I wish I had these videos before I married my narc
@@rebekahmoore6818 : I married a narc and after hearing these videos and reading comments, and in answer to yours, I wouldn't of known what I was getting into. The narc behavior started after we were married. At first I thought I'd try to change him and of course I was totally in love. Then after having children I started getting sick with deep depression and severe asthma. After 17 years, left him, moved far away, eventually healed (both physically and emotionally) and have lived a very peaceful life. Stay well and safe.
Number 8 was the one that messed with my head the most. He was soo defensive I had to be so careful of anything even slightly negative but when I'd try to defend myself (especially when I hadn't actually done anything), he say things like 'you always make excuses' or 'you think you're so right' or 'do you hear yourself?'. It made me wonder if I did make excuses and lacked personal responsibility. I don't. But I thought that.
I love the sarcasm in his voice towards narcissists. It really makes me feel like he 'gets it' and he totally understands how crazy and ridiculous they are. I also love when Gus is in the video!
With them it’s, “Do as I say, not as I do.” Thank you for helping the narcissism survivor community.
So true , they are so DELUSIONAL an sickening , evil creatures!!!! Tks so much for all your vidoes an helping us victims !!!!You're a God sent , NO DOUBT !!!!!
Exactly. I hate having to dea l with my narcissistic father nearly everyday. They'll never get better only worse.
They have demons...seriously, they do(at least the two in my life are demonic). Otherwise, why would they stalk, lie, gossip, plot and hurt others all the time? I pray for them...because they are actually pretty pitiful.
Agreed. To me he is the worst person i ever been with. Nobody deserves to be with a narcissist.
@@all-in-onegamerhd2076 trust me, u r right...my abusive covert narc mother is 92, yup u read that right 92 years old and is STILL the same abusive narc she has been all her life. Zero insight in herself; zero personal responsibility for her devastating narc ways that fractured and ruined the family over the course of approx. 55-60 yrs; zero remorse for the horrific fallout from her nonstop narc abuse, and on and on and on...they never, ever, ever change. No contact is the only way to" interact" with them.
Thats pretty sad to have a parent who dosent give a damn and simply wont change even at 92 yrs old. No child deserves narcissistic abuse.
100% True. Guarding your boundaries = breakup with narcissist. The don't tolerate boundaries. Ever.
This is SOOOO common... all day, everyday they do this... I'm so glad you made this video, very helpful 🙏❤
So true: *all day, every day*
Best wishes!!
Once you're healed and dont get triggered anymore, it is almost laughable... because they can't manipulate you anymore. Oh, and to make it more confusing, they'll tell YOU that you are the one with double standards 😂🙄🙄 most frustrating people in the entire world.
Narcissist are always double standard & one sided about everything & anything . Everything you're saying is true . These narcs are such drama queens & kings and they love instigating & creating double standards .
This is really wonderful! My mother was and is the queen of double standards. She would actually say, “Don’t do as I do, do what I say do” followed by a threat of physical violence (on her underweight daughter) if I didn’t obey. Even into adulthood. So glad I’m no contact. The eggshell floors I always walked on with her disappeared when I went silent. Sweet relief.
“Do as I say, Not as I do”, was also my mother’s mantra. As a youth, I had my face ground into the carpet, bones broken, and uncountable yard sticks and switches broken over my back. 59 years of “stupid” before videos like this tipped the scale. Over 2 years of blissful silence since then. Peace be with you Staci. Thank you Doc for giving us our lives back.
Victor Kroud I’m sorry you had to go through all that, and applaud the fact that you were able to go and stay no contact. It takes a huge amount of strength and resolve no matter the circumstance, but, as you know, necessary when enough is enough.
Victor Kroud , I identify with your experiences only some of the relief didn’t come for me until the death of some of the narcissists. Yes, I did get some relief during periods of no contact or what was euphemistically referred to as times when the narcissist “disowned” me (a sweet time) but they didn’t last because I was always worried about the safety of my younger siblings.
@@lindabermudez-hafer5440 same here. Ive been disinherited, disowned, hung up on, silent treatment-ed, yanked financially not even to mention emotionally, etcetc, (even physically hit-- that was less frequent but did occur), COUNTLESS times. And these responses ALWAYS happened when i stood my ground and refused to bend over for their abuse. No contact. Cut them out of your life. Its ur life or theirs, gotta choose urs.
TheHotCoffeeHouse yep. Standing your ground has dire consequences.
Every time I'm struggling to deal with my narc (my babys dad), I just need to watch few of your vids and it brings me back my strength. I remember again who I'm dealing with.
Thank you!
Why do you call them “ my narc”.
I love when Gus comes 😁 He is so adorable! ❤ Thank you Dr. Les. You're helping me a great deal.
Love Gus!
Agreed. I hope Gus is getting residuals.
Thank you. This video is so enlightening and helps process the craziness to which I've been submitting in my marriage. It's like I'm waking from feeling deflated and defeated. My blood boils with the desire to say that I've been a victim of this kind of treatment for 19 years... but I have to admit (albeit reluctantly) that ultimately I'm not a victim: I'm a volunteer. I volunteered for this. Happily, yesterday we announced to the kids that we are divorcing. Good-bye double standards. Good-bye crazy-making. Good-bye. Good-bye. Good-bye. (And good riddance.)
I am really fed up of living with my narc husband he is spiteful to me daily. I never thought that I could hate so much, I could cry.
Get your own place and live in peace. I was in your shoes.
Leave. Get out as soon as you are able. Make plans quietly if you have to. They are cancer that need to be removed.
yes,yes,yes.that checklist sounds like my narcissistic relatives.One standard for us,and another for you.Its enraging.And of course, if i point this out,no one wants to hear it.I have panic attacks from the narcissistic abuse i have endured at family gatherings.thank you dr.carter.DJIgnatin ,philadelphia,pa.
Thank you. I feel like I'm communicating in a foreign language. I try and try to communicate but I am always the one who's wrong and I get the anger and silent treatment every time I try to speak up for myself. I am always wrong. It happened again today. They don't listen to me or respect me. They talk behind my back. I am not even allowed to visit my little sister and her family. I have been so sick for over twenty years. I have gotten worse the last few years. I don't leave the house much I have so little energy and so much physical pain. I am always home alone. They don't even believe or recognize how sick I am or how hard I've been fighting for so long. My second husband and I are separated. He was terribly verbally abusive. I have no one. I have lost all hope. I feel so desperate.
Sounds like you are a scapegoat. You must be willing to let go your family and NC with them all. They suck your energy, that's why you are sick. When you seek for support & positive energy, negative and toxic energy is what you receive. No family is better than toxic family. You have to cut no contact, and be a supply no more.
God is your only hope. Have you turn to Him? When you lost all hope, you can only turn to God.
I love how you described the narcissist interactions with other people as a PR campaign. It captures the essence of what they are doing, the only thing that matters to them, and that is making themselves look good. Great reminder. Thank you.
Yes!! Its exactly what it is, calculated marketing to sell you something you don't want or need.
Yes! I never thought of it in terms of a PR campaign. That really gave me new insight on the whole thing,
I know a person that does that but he’s not a narcissist. What it could be? PR is good for him and bad for her girlfriend.
Every time I watch one of these videos I feel a burden lifted. I realize I'm not who or what he said I was. I am more in touch with my desired and undesired characteristics, and realize I'm not this monster he made me out to be. Thank you for the knowledge that validates and liberates.
Holy cow! That is exactly the relationship with my narc brother!!! Every single one! 😱. What an eye opener.
My mother took full advantage of the parent/child relationship to enforce most of these double standards. After all, when you're so insecure, isn't it so much easier to make yourself feel more powerful by pushing your thoughts and opinions onto a child? The younger you start on them the easier it is, because they accept your treatment of them and they believe what you say. The weird thing is that despite the way I was spoken to, the beliefs instilled in me, the refusal to acknowledge my feelings, I always had some kind of feeling that her behaviour wasn't right. Now, of course, I know it wasn't me!!
The hardest thing I struggle with is letting go of the fact that she can never change and that somehow I need to accept her self-destructive ways. Even after my recent major surgery she tried avoiding asking me how I was, and spent at least the first 5 minutes telling me about her ailments and how busy she was. In fact, the cat got a mention before, grudgingly, she slipped in a, "are you ok then?" before going back to telling me about her day! It's a good job there was still enough anaesthetic stuck in my brain to numb her inability to show any warmth or empathy towards me. If it had been the other way round, and she had been the one having surgery, she would have expected all the fuss imaginable and everyone giving her all their attention. Definitely a fine example of her double standards. Oh, in case anyone is interested, I am 55 and she is 83, so I'm pretty sure she's not going to change now!
My narc silently demands that I read his mind and predict his needs. I consider that part of his games.
Doctor Carter my ex did all that. It was so abusive and so frustrating even when she tries to control who I told what was going on trying to shame me telling me I had a big mouth besides all the other games and lies and gaslighting and projection etc
Gus is the very model of loving behavior for us all! Good job, Dr C - thanks for a thorough inventory of narc behaviors. Bless your heart!
I love Gus. It's aways a pleasure seeing him.
Gus is a love bug. I love animals, books. Music and indie/foreign films. And Paris. Am I an HSP, introvert, empath, child of abuse? Well yes. Yes I am.
Thank you for your kindness, Dr. Carter. You remind us traumatized souls that not everyone is a garbage person.
Man this stuff is good for the soul. I finally have my self-esteem back since I cut off all contact with my narcissist.
Keep leaning forward! Dr. C
These people are TOXIC and best avoided at all cost.
Your going to get told you can’t do it and they will get angry when losing perceived control.
So do EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT as the end result is they will be angry either way.
Painfully accurate, Dr. Carter. Thanks for this video!
100% accurate. They are such hypocrites .
Dr. Carter, I was late to this particular party but it's spot on! You have no idea how much you're helping me. Thank you! Thank you!💜
Gus is adorable but just like my Shih Tzu, he really doesn't seem thrilled to be in front of the camera. So cute!😆👍
Thanks Doc. My situation only improved when I kept way from them 🤘🏼😎
So simple yet so difficult before we accept the truth.
I found that out the hard way.
One of your best videos. They keep getting better, more succinct, and more understandable. I love Gus! You are lifting me from depression day by day. Thank you. I now know what is going on. THANKS!
If a lot of people were more like Gus, we'd all get along so much better. When I'm feeling down and crushed by my extremely selfish, narcisstic husband, whom I can't afford to leave, watching your videos are so uplifting. Seeing Gus at the end of this video, is like the icing on the cake. I love dogs. In fact, I love all animals. I find my little terrier, Teddy, very comforting. He and Gus would get along very well, I think.
Thank you, Dr. Les. It is a privilege to listen to your posts. I look forward to seeing Gus too!
Same here! Life saving videos and Gus is the icing on the cake!
I agree!
The clear descriptions provide such reluef from the crazymaking! It makes it so much easier to just accept them like accepting bad weather. It helps me not get mad, but just get out of the way!
I'm overwhelmed every time I listen to one of your videos. I WISH I could have seen these years ago! Every video describes the life I lived with my ex-husband for 23 years. EVERYTHING that you say will come out of the narcissists mouth, came out of his! Thank you for confirming what I knew in my heart wasn't right.
Yes, I used to think that. Life was full of double standards. Accountable, secrets, lying by omission, going into a rage, spend all the time with his family...ugh! I used to think possessive = controlling = abusive, but never new about narcissism. When I got out of the relationship (which I lost my job and 2 weeks later he kicked me out on the spot with no where to go at 62 like a piece of discusting trash never to talk agin after 4 1/2 yrs) I felt I got rid of a big thumb pushing me down. I was so broken, but I'm getting better. I cried everyday for 3 months that I gave my heart to a cold hearted soulless not even human. If I ever have to look in his eyes again I will see the devil.
You have described my son in this so well, your video's are life changing for desperate people
A good empath is an empath with a strong military system. Don't be so forgiving.
I know, I know my comment must be criticized by forgivers out there. Forgiveness exists, but justice comes first. 😉
100% agreed!
Best response I’ve ever read
My policy now is: Forgive from a distance.
Empath does not equal martyr. People need to embrace that.
Yes, we are called to "forgive". We are not called to be door mats either. We can forgive them, block them and go no contact. Forgiving someone that has wronged you does not mean you need to stay or keep them in your life. Forgiveness is not for them anyway, it is for YOU. You do not want to carry unforgiveness around like a giant boulder around your neck. Yes, forgive or be forgiving, but don't be a door mat. If they continue to mentally or physically abuse you over and over do not stand for that. Leave, block and go no contact. Forgive them in you heart once you are gone, but then MOVE ON. Block forever and go no contact. Do not look at any of their social media accounts or anyone they know.
We should all be more like Gus!
Thank you Dr. Carter...you are a blessing....p.s. pats for sweet Gus from me .
Nice clear simple presentation defining those double standards. Right on target.
What understandably is not emphasized in this particular video, because it requires a video of its own, is the abusiveness of how these hypocrisies are enforced.
The insults, guilting, shaming, gaslighting, and physical attacks when the narcs partner does not fall into line. This abuse creates fear and self doubt. The victim may need intervention to know how to set boundaries and think clearly for himself. Very often the narc makes it unsafe for the victim to attempt to defend himself or be resistant to the narcs games. They control and withhold
things important to the partner, threaten, start smear campaigns, and generally make life even more miserable. Which they are able to do with great precision since they know all the partners vulnerabilities.
And often no one else is able to see what is going on, so any complaints by the victim makes him look foolish or crazy. He receives no support which increases his self doubt, emotionally crippling him further.
It’s a terrible trap.
You're right. That will be addressed elsewhere. Dr. C
So very true....all these double standard rules are a part of their being the center of the world. He has such wise advise on how to deal with the narc in your life, weather family or spouse or even friends and work mates.
Unfortunately, all true.
My narc spouse confuses his feelings and opinions with facts- if he thinks it or feels it, it's presented as factual.
I'm told I can have opinions (gee, thanks), but to keep them to myself.
I hate it. Praying for peace for you.
To them, their feelings ARE facts. That's the alternate reality he references in this video. What they feel is how things are. Period.
The crazy making really begins when they start telling you that actual facts are merely your misguided feelings.
I’m sorry 💕
Wrote it all down , read, reread, again and again. Remind yourself of where you’ve been, may be still and keep perspective, the hardest part.
Your videos not only help me to understand the narcissist, but helps me to see where I sometimes imitate the narcissist. I want to stay on the path of healing self.
Patricia, I've caught myself doing it too. We need to be careful and live according to our own best standards. It's not so hard...
Listen up ! Do not ignore red flags, you beautiful Empaths out there!
thanks for giving us this free professional help.
36 years for me to realize ,to see truth, long wasted years on a nars...
Thank you, Dr. Carter, for describing my Mother PERFECTLY
It helps immensely to know I'm not the crazy one for thinking she has double standards with me
Dr. C as a long time fan, I have to say this was one of your finest! Loved the Jewish proverb. Narcissists are not lifelong learners. They do not seek or accept input or wisdom from others. They are unable to collaborate.. have you noticed that? Woof to Gus.
Thanks for these good words. Dr. C
I was married to a narcissist for 33 years. They lie, steal, gaslight, have unwritten rules and cheat. Everytime I caught her in a lie she blamed it on me.
You are so right. Thanks for helping us from going nuts.
Laura Palmer going or gone.yes must Run🙏🏻
Andddd...I've been calling him a hypocrite since day one. THIS VIDEO gives the MOST validation to exactly what only I knew to be true. They have a lot of nerve.
I would love to hear about how they bait you. They say things to make you doubt their morals and then call you accusing and judgemental when you ask questions to clarify. Also vague and covert physical threats, sleep deprivation, taunting... I grew up this way so it took a lot of work to stop blaming myself and noticing these things wss even harder! These tactics work so they could play the victim and strike you down hard. No. As soon as you expose some vague moral foible like "it's normal to want to sleep with other people..." Boom. Now... I believe you! No going back. No strikes with certain topics. I will now politely be on my way because you told me who you are. No calling me jealous later because I believed your "distasteful joke" or you're dedicated to being "honest" and I need to learn to live in reality. You don't define reality. God did that. And now through our free will we define our character. You say violence is golden??? the final denominator???? or whatever. Boom. You told me who you are. No arguments. No hoping it's different and you're just "playing debate team." I'm afraid of you and won't be around you. I think differently and have faith that God is all powerful. Violent people are giving away their power for temporary relief of frustration. I let him get to me but I learned and got stronger. Listen when people tell you who they are. Believe them. Respect their right to their opinion and if it's not compatible with your safety and health gtfo. If someone tells you they don't care what you think... They mean it. Be real about yourself and believe others. It's real. There are really people who feel entitled to control and harm you and are fully aware of this and it's not subconscious or from lack of enlightenment. That's really just their point of view about how the world works!!! They think "control or be controlled." They do not understand cooperation. Esp some men in regards to women and vice versa. Good luck out there people! Prayers for everyone!
This really rang a bell for me....When he would scream at me--call me names, the old FU--and such..He would say I don't care what you think of me.....Bragging about having slept with many women--when married and other married women. Boggles the mind to think that they think they are impressing you.
Then when you set boundaries--they in return give you the silent treatment to punish you...Everything is a game..They think they win--but, in reality--they are their own worse enemy. They can not love or have any accountability for their actions. It is their normal..they want you to be their doormat....It is all about controlling you....
Walk away from anyone like this....it is the same song and dance with everyone they are involved with....Immature children who never grew up and took responsibilty for what they do to others.
They are so severely broken--but, to them you are the one who is always wrong....
@@gonelikethewind7616 So hard to accept, but I'm just beginning to see it more and more clearly and I hate it. But everyone has their own path and their own choices to make and their own relationship with God and I don't get to pick that for them no matter how much I think I know what's best for them. I just pray for God to bless them. And me because God knows I need it and I know it too! 😬😀 ❤ Hope you heal from all that you've been through and have peace now!
Thank you for helping me to understand that I was raised by narcissists and continue to be subject to their toxicity.
Released a lot of confusion and internal disharmony, today. Thanks for reality testing with us. It is easy to get confused by narcissists when your a part of an afflicted family and want to love and be loved. Thanks for helping get feet on solid ground.
p.s. Wonderful Gus is here, today - Love that sweet fellow!
I like your comment about "being part of an afflicted family." I, too, would just like to "love and be loved" for who I am...not who my narcissistic mother thinks I "should be." I still find myself feeling like a shy, injured child around her...and she's 83 and I'm nearly 62...go figure. Hope you are doing well. God bless!
Valerie, I am 72 and my Mother is 97. Love her and would like to visit, however, it is not possible to meet her expectations and the judgements are harsh (and, yes, painful.) She is frail. Would be great if respectful, mutual comfort and caring were possible. I am able to provide some - from a distance. There is much about her that is beautiful. Would be great if she were able to relax control and allow mutual appreciation, without harsh demanding judgements based on feelings (there is resistance to facts.) There is a lack of ability to (or interest in) considering the humanity/circumstances of others' lives. Compassion is meaningful for both ourselves and the afflicted. It does seem to be a disease. It has taken me a long time to realize there is little I can do to bring her peace, without giving up authenticity. The effects on my family have been almost horrifying. I think possibly the best opportunity life provides is learning to better love and have compassion for each other, and ourselves. The human condition entails suffering for ALL of us - The load is lighter if mutual love, support and positive regard is part of the journey. (Dr. Carter brings us an astounding amount of this.)
I wish you great goodness, peace and compassion - And, additionally, more and more of the vitality and groundness so well-nourished by Dr. Carter's gifts to us.
Thank you for your kind reply.
@@19Deirdre46 Thank-you for sharing your story. My mother is not frail at all(unless she "fakes it"... to get attention). She's what I'd call a "social butterfly." Her life is totally wrapped around her shopping, her bridge club, the beauty shop, her flashy diamonds and a weekly manicure appointment. She never has gotten this one TRUTH....beauty comes from the INSIDE...not the outside. When I think of those whom I have loved... for their warmth(and authenticity), none are what I'd call "stunningly attractive"(on the outside). If my mother needed me in an emergency, she knows she can call. Otherwise, I just can't find ANY common ground and I have taken all the poison arrows my heart can take from her in one lifetime.
@@valeriegriner5644 The "poison arrow" analogy is so apt! And often aimed DIRECTLY at the heart. The splitting, behind the back gaslighting, and enlisting of "flying monkies" can be death dealing. It is very hazardous to be close to them. Count on being exploited if you are useful and trashed the moment there needs are met - to re-enforce their superiority/my "defectiveness". Looking at them as afflicted sets a bit of objective distance from them and the internal toxic effects that affect my psyche. I stay away from them these days. Just burned way too many times trying to have "normal" relationships. Hope is not always a good thing. Sometimes it is just delusional. Dr. Carter's videos are immensely valuable in providing information/knowledge that clears the air.
Thank you for each word of sharing, my beautiful friend!
Deirdre ten bucks says Gus lives like a king!
I love how you added the proverb at the end. We could all benefit reading proverbs daily! 👏🏼
Oh boy, have I heard that many times in a passive aggressive way ~ "It's desirable to invest time in ME, it's selfish to invest time in YOURSELF "
That's captures the essence of it. Dr. C
I am not Neil , You are brilliant , you make sense of the nonsense , much appreciated . I have survived at least six narcissists who are also sadists, they will outright lie to your face , and steel from you , they have no conscience , they enjoy the suffering of others , they have no respect for others , they can not be trusted . Those I survive from were - 1. my oldest sister , 2. my first serious relationship ex , 3. my younger sisters boyfriend , 4. head of the building dept , 5. his lawyer , 6 .ex roommate , each one is vicious . Caught each one in serous lies . They will do anything to harm you in any way they can , financially and emotionally . Life is sooooo much better without them . When trust has been violated there isn't a relationship anymore . They can really mess with you and they will go out of there way to cause harm . I definitely recommend getting away from sadists even if it costs you financially , cost you friends and family relationships . There is no working things out with them because they do not care about facts or want your opinion is , they desire and thrive on chaos . My belief in judgement day helped me survive them and keeps me sane . thank you for your excellent videos
Thank you so much for your videos. It is very helpful to have validation that my feelings and intuition are not wrong. When you are involved with a narcissist, he or she will make you question your own sanity, your values, your worth - everything you worked your whole life to make right, to be proud of. I hope I will never choose another partner who will create such destruction on my world.
Secretive, they can curse you, you're not allowed to say anything, you have to follow their rules, they tell you that you are crazy, they have extreme anger and it's all directed at you. Dr C you are right on. They wear you out physically and mentally. They ate childish in their behavior. It's a daily battle. We have to be very strong or they will take over your home and your peace. Bless you Dr Carter.
Whenever I have attempted to defend myself (big mistake) to my spouse, he always accuses me of "making excuses". He doesn't accept logical, rational explanations for anything because he always had to be right. And conversely, he tries to defend his completely indefensible behaviors by making the lamest excuses, and I'm supposed to accept that without any reservation- even when he lies.
Oh my gosh...you couldn't even know how much you just explained someone fully to me...
These people are incredibly clever and destructive, s scourge on humanity.
Dr Carter, I love your wise and dignified videos. The narcissist in my life is nasty to me, but charming and caring with others.... he's actually betraying me so he wants to break me, and show me in a bad light and make his new friend look saintly
This is gold. I can relate with not only my own relationships, but learning to deal with other narcs in my life. Thank you Doctor!
Pleased!! Dr. C
Thank you Dr. Carter for further defining the ultimate selfishness of Narcissists. Kind of like your terrific companion dog Gus, who probably barks and growls to warn of various threats and dangers.🐾
I’ve only just realised from watching this video, the differences between my family and my in-laws. Whenever I speak with or visit my in-laws, they always enquire about the well being of my family. They remember my family’s names and what I’ve told them about what is happening with them.
I don’t have much contact with my family these days, but in the early days of my marriage I had more contact. The only contact I have now is via an aunt who recently went though some serious health issues, she suffered a number of heart attacks and was in hospital for a while. My late husband’s family called me to see that my aunt was ok and asked me to send her their best wishes for a speedy recovery.
But with my family, they make no attempt to know my late husband’s family. They don’t even remember their names. It’s as if they are of no significance to them. I told my aunt that Kevin’s cousin sent her best wishes for a speedy recovery and my aunt said, who? I had to remind her that they were introduced to one another at my wedding and that this cousin always asks after my aunt because my aunt had made a good impression on this cousin. But all my aunt could say was, well that’s Kevin’s family, not yours.
After I lost my husband just over 4 years ago. My late husband’s family wrapped themselves around me and gave me all the support and love I needed to pick myself back up again. My aunt and her two sons (my cousins), were the only attendees from my family to come to the funeral. Not a single member of my family stayed to help me or support me. After the funeral I didn’t receive one phone call from my family to see how I was coping. And yet my husband’s family were and still are a major part of my life.
It’s like you say in this video Dr Carter, my relationships with others is of no importance to them but to the narcissist’s, their relationships as they see it is everything.
They have my pity because I can see how there responses limits the quality of their lives.
Thank you 🙏 for this video.
The Biblical story of Ruth and Naomi comes to mind. You were so blessed to marry into a functional family; and I'm sure you were a blessing to them too. I imagine it helped a lot to make up for a lack of closeness in your family of origin. Unfortunately I married into a cold and rejecting family (which -- apparently -- at the time was what I thought I deserved). If only I could have known then what I've learned since... And a fair amount of that learning has happened thanks to Dr. C!
I’m sorry to hear your you had those experiences with your husband’s family, and notwithstanding my own positive experiences of my in-laws, I still firmly believe that when we marry, we marry our spouses and not their family. It’s great 👍 if we can get along with them but our main relationship is with the person we chose as our partner.
I’m glad you’ve found Dr Carter’s videos. I find them so helpful. I only wish this kind of resource had been available when I was growing up.
❤️
@@REJ5557 I'm totally with you on that.
@@REJ5557 same here ....wish i knew this stuff decades ago.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Well said ! my mother was a nars, she taught my daughter to be one, she's 58 yrs old and still not grown up. They do all they can to destroy you, there's not one ounce of love in these kind of people, all you have was put there for them to take. 👹!!!!
When in grad school, I was working, and we were going out to eat more than usual as a family. I was in charge of the housework and cooking (no surprise there when married to a narc) and was too exhausted to cook some nights. I suggested when we did go out to eat, I, my daughter, and then husband would take turns choosing restaurants. My then narc husband said something like "You are so selfish because you just want to eat where you want to eat." I responded, yes, a third of the time since there are three people on our family. In his mind, if I ever got to choose the restaurant, I was being selfish. What restaurant you eat at is not a big deal, but this example shows the mindset of a narc.
...I love that you display your affection with your puppy. New to your channel - I appreciate your wisdom.
Exactly as Dr Les said, they won't even listen to themselves. If I could tell my mother today about these double standards she would surely say: "of course it doesn't apply to me, I've been living for longer than you, OF COURSE I know better. So you better listen and shut up"
Tatiana de Campos oh yeah I’ve heard that saying before
Your help has made so much difference in dealing with ex narcissist boyfriend.
Sometimes you question who was the narc and who was the victim (I DO have certain narcissistic traits at times). Then you come across a video like this.
Sounds 100% like my daughters dance teacher / studio owner. 🙄🙄 all your videos are spot on 100% with this woman!!
# 4 is so right, I've heard, seen all 10, I'm so glad I ran across your link. Thank you for making the videos.
Oh number 4!! Yes if I raised my voice well that’s not allowed. But he could yell, curse and insult. And yes you cannot defend yourself and my feelings would be dismissed.
My narcissistic mom always says end of story after she barks her orders. She says I need your help because I can't do for myself because I'm old. She's only 64. If I need her to help me she'll tell me no one owes you shit in this world. Double standard all way around! Thx for everything that you do. It's definitely making a impact!
I have/had that mother. Sad isn't it
Narcissist's boundaries: "That never happened", "you're insane, and no one needs to listen to you".
Nailed it! My 49 y/o son fits all 10! Thank you for spelling the characteristics so clearly. 👍
My 32 year old Daughter ticks most boxes. I've been no contact for 2 years and the clarity and wellbeing is wonderful. She would have me on the verge of a panic attack. Her expected visit would have me a bag nerves and nausea. That's not good. blessings and stay strong.
I'm sad to say my 32 son fits these 😢 hasn't spoken to me in months
It breaks my heart to know that other parents are being abused in this way also, but it brings me some peace to know I am not only. My 37 year old daughter had been emotionally abusing me for years, and I finally experienced a breakdown from the abuse. After more than 20 years of allowing her abuse it brought me to the decision to end my life. The pain of her abuse was more than my coping skills. If not for a call to a hotline for help, I don’t imagine I would be on this beautiful planet any longer. Her abuse pushed me past a breaking point, and I finally reacted back and told her in words that are not of my personality exactly how sick I was of the abuse. My reaction has allowed her to label me as crazy and abusive. All the years I allowed the abuse, the disrespect, the covert abuse that I was to ashamed to share with others, the devaluation......and now she is the victim. I am not allowed to see my grandchildren and that kills my soul a little each day, but the abuse was destroying my heart, my head, and my health. It is heartbreaking to realize this was part of a sick game I didn’t know we were playing.
I’m sorry to hear that and I’m ashamed to admit that’s my reality too. I didn’t know anyone else felt like that. Thanks for posting that. It’s my day off from work and you’ve given me so much strength I actually think I can enjoy it and that’s a first.
jan gandy holy cow I’m in some kind of shock bc my interpretation of RUclips videos was the parent turned my son into what appears to be a Cluster B personality. I had no idea.
Yes so true!! This describes my 30 years of marriage to my narcissistic alcoholic abusive ex husband. It is impossible to coparent with him and he continues to manipulate and control my children to try to turn them on me
I love the rule#1 and 2 -I’m always right ...
Nancy Suver don't waste your time being defensive, your kids will conclude it on their own. Do something you love and disengage his drama, you are worth happiness🤗
MsBizzyGurl no some children figure it out by the nature of the parent but it’s possible he’s been disrespecting you when he’s alone with the kids and making you look like the bad one. My daughter see’s right through her father, we all have calm nature’s except him.
Why would you stay so long with your husband then? 30 years?! It was not any good for kids too. I do not blame you, I feel sorry for you.
After 20yrs of marriage to what I now believe is a Narrcisst, it is so peaceful to know I wasn't losing my mind. The two rules actually made me chuckle. He would always say it exactly like that!
Thank you Dr Carter for the work you put in here. It really helps.
So pleased. Dr. C