Jennifer Senior: For parents, happiness is a very high bar
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- Опубликовано: 19 окт 2024
- The parenting section of the bookstore is overwhelming-it's "a giant, candy-colored monument to our collective panic," as writer Jennifer Senior puts it. Why is parenthood filled with so much anxiety? Because the goal of modern, middle-class parents-to raise happy children-is so elusive. In this honest talk, she offers some kinder and more achievable aims.
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I started crying toward the end of your TED talk, just feeling like I understand and feel relieved. I have 3 kids and I'm pregnant with my fourth and I'm always worried and hoping my kids will be happy and wondering if I'm doing enough. of course I never feel like I am doing enough. maybe if we just keep it simple life would work out better and not be so scary and stressful.
This video is so insightful that you will learn a whole lot watching it. Thanks for sharing this heartbreaking and very inspiring talk.
Hi there Mr. Garrett, your videos is worth watching for, I can't resist to think every word you have shared I can feel the encouragement and inspiring messages from it. It really says we have to strive hard to make things work better. Your videos are amazing..
This video brought me to tears.
+Lou Latb lolz y'all gon make me cry
My Life My Journey why?
Brilliant thanks for a great TED Talk. As a homeschool mom I appreciate much of what you said.
I like how everyone is an expert in parenting.
Eu Phoric Everyone is an expert on the internet lol
In the attempt to parent their children most parents just end up projecting their own failings on to the child, and end up creating what they set out to avoid. Just leave the children alone.. give them some outdoor green space to play in or a sandbox. Revising the education system should also be a priority, it causes just as much damage as a broken home does.
She does have some good points, but I have a comment. She says that even though she ate unhealthy as a child she turned out fine, and while that may be true of most people, we should be glad of new research of nutrition, because many people have suffered from a poor diet if they were over-sensitive to certain foods. So these self-help books are a good thing if used right and not in a hysterical way.
Yes thank you! Survivor's bias drives me crazy
When she was a kid, food was probably healthier than what is widely available today.
the reason parents are so anxious may be the awareness of the butterfly effect, knowing that a small issue with you kid at age 3 may imprint a psychological issue for his whole life.
I feel like having children is just an expectation we have of people that shouldn't really be in place. Nobody really knows how to parent children, and there are many people that just simply shouldn't be parents in the first place. Good lecture. Media makes happiness seem like it's such a simple thing.
When I was in a very secluded village in Honduras I noticed that the families for the most part were very emotionally healthy. The adults seemed to be very emotionally stable and the whole community treated all of the kids as their own. My husband is from there and I didn't believe in functional families until I met his gigantic family. I learned that one problem is we have a lack of help and community in America that is essential to parenting.
Thank you for this speech!
Good talk. Interesting thoughts. Well delivered. I agree with her. Parents should concentrate on raising decent, hard working kids who will grow up and be good human beings. Their happiness and self esteem will take care of itself.
I think only mums can understand what her speech ment. In our effort to raise happy kids we are really hard with ourselves, perfect parents dont exist! We have to be proud for trying to do our best for them.
Actually, the word Parent began as a verb. Parent comes from the Latin word _parens, parentis_ which is the parent participle of the verb _pario, parere_ which means "to bring forth, produce, bear, acquire, procure, spawn, beget, give birth, etc."
Thankful to divine guidance into Jessica's research, it may not be all encompassing but it is enough to foster hope as well as direction for the next leg of my own parental journey...Adolescence (11yr old daughter) n Adolescent Teen years (14 year old son) at the same time. God is with us.
Excellent... a much needed mention about too much complicated parenting these days.
This talk had a lot of interesting information in it. Although, I have to say, she seems to be talking about one specific kind of parent that I'm familiar with, and, no offense, thankful I didn't have. The kind of parent that chooses goals for their kids. From what I've seen the kids of those parents end up being the least happy. In my opinion, it's better to teach your kids to be self-motivated and help them with the goals they choose. After all, that's what we do as adults, so why not prepare them for that, rather than give them stress issues and over-dramatized fears of failure?
By the way, my parents never checked my homework. I thought it was weird when she mentioned that. o.O
how about treating kids like human beings not like some plant that you grow
or some household appliance
Great talk and for those calling for more "science" talks, sociology IS a science and it's becoming increasingly more important.
Sociology tries to explain the intricacies from the complexities. Sociology fields are more of a game of statistics. They serve as a place holder until Biology can explain to us, through neuroscience and ecology, the underlying causes behind the emergent properties.
There's a long way to that point though, I don't think such unified theory will emerge in our lifetimes.
Meanwhile, we need to solve myriad of practical problems.
I understand, I do apologize if I came across as saying sociology is useless. However, in this particular talk, she goes a long way past her data into the realm of speculation. The science of parenting is low in literature, but parenting literature is mating like rabbits.
The people who want more "science" want more real science from TED, not this lady's opinion. It just so happens that Sociology only has broad, less marketable claims about parenting, but this lady is trying to market her ideas as a science.
In another note, it doesn't so much require a unified theory of biology, but yes it will be an arduous task, at least relatively speaking.
Sociology is one thing, sharing your own personal opinion based on very limited anecdotal evidence is another.
Love some of these questions and ideas and sad re some of the statistics.....really makes you think.
Parenting is tough, yes, improvising without a script is what we do.
Absolutely loved this video especially the ending.
isn't just me or I can see a nice spark in her eyes.
As new parents we want to do the right things for our children... This video was worth watching. Thank you :)
I appreciate how she starts to cry , I wish more was said about single parents. Oh well guess I need to give my own TED Talk
6 minutes in, I recognized this woman's voice as author and probably voice over for "all joy, no fun" that I listen to religiously on my audible 🤣
A realistic and incredible talk! Congratulations 👏
Brilliant.
It is possible! Joy, happiness, love. It's all their. Doing what's right. Not what society thinks that is right. And your children will be abundantly happy. Our son is :-) And so are we :-) Love and peace to all of you.
Great speech!
Goals: Morals + Ethics.
She made some interesting points and I agree that holding yourself responsible for another person's happiness is an unreasonable and possibly self-defeating goal. However, I disagree that the lack of norms or a 'script' is a primary cause for parents feeling overwhelmed and unhappy. In fact, I think trying to manage a family according to a script is part of the problem. Parents need to talk to their kids and think about their own feelings rather than planning everything according to an idea of how families are 'supposed to be'.
BulbasaurLeaves I can definitely agree with this.
Great point. great speaker.
Boy, this "Dr. Lorem Ipsum" writes lots of books. ;)
Good points! LOL to mother multitasking and father mono-tasking :)
its not that complicated. and she makes it seem so.
we need to HELP heal the earth from all the damage we have been doing.
we need to focus on becoming "ONE" doing good on to others and yourself.
do i really need to go on? ...really
She's Feelin' The Bern!
"Grew up with a jar of mac and beef" "and I'm doing alright" The ingredients in your food as a child from then to now has changed dramatically so maybe that comment is not so good as that is a TED talk of a different subject all together.... but as a fellow parent its nice to see people giving us a helping hand and putting our hard work out there...
Well said dear
It's nice to have my country held out as a positive example, but I have to add that despite our progressive state sponsored parenthood, Swedish mothers choose to have less kids than US mothers on average. This may of course have to do with other factors, such as less pressure on women to become mothers, and better access to and less taboo on contraceptives.
Absolutely correct!
Happiness is not a goal upon itself.
Happiness is what we feel during or after a particular action.
TALLER DE PADRES JUAN JOSE ROJAS Transición muy bueno
MUY INTERESANTE
Send our children to public schools and then experience where all the stress comes from.
Studies have clearly shown that multi-taking does not exist - not for men, not for women. You can combine some work combinations at the same time like it seems you do two things but be sure one will not be done well. Ever driven behind someone who is on the phone in his/her car? Well that says enough, in fact so much that calling in a car should be forbidden, even hands-free you see that their attention is gone, speed slowing, no focus on the road, irregular reactions and in fact in very harsh traffic conditions this is asking for trouble.
Sure happiness is the goal but parents have different definitions of what happiness is. Some parents think that their children will be happy if they are financially savvy so then they try to make sure they are intelligent and business oriented.
Some think that their kids will be happy with other things.
True that giving them love is probably the best idea.
Wow!
Do no harm means - don't yell, don't insult, don't neglect, don't spank, don't stress & worry, don't be overprotective, don't set a bad example, and definitely don't send them to a traumatic brainwashing institution like school and church. Yet so few people are capable of avoiding these things, because they aren't fixing themselves before they procreate. Anxious, dysfunctional parents raise anxious, dysfunctional children. Happy, mentally healthy parents raise happy, mentally healthy children.
I can't believe that her conclusion, after having slammed giving too much advice about parenting, was to give advice about parenting. How about telling people to just ignore ALL advice and stop ignoring your child.
And of course she managed to blame all of America's problems on a lack of Socialism... Thanks RED TED...
Socialism? How about common human decency?
itsjustameme
Yes, "progressive bias" is usually equivalent to following common sense and scientific evidence.
*****
Pay more attention to what, exactly? I pay a lot of attention, especially to scientific data and if it is good or bad. :)
I also pay attention to politics, as part of my curiosity about ape behavior. Robert Sapolsky's class on human behavior at Stanford is available on RUclips. I watched the lectures twice and enjoy them very much. How about you?
What's with the fear of socialism? It's not like pooling some collective resources together to help parents take (some) payed leave while tending to their newborns would cause the people to lose all its freedom. And maybe it would also fix one or two social issues and/or inequalities along the way?
Think of how many more children would potentially get a better start in life, and how that would affect their childhood. I'm sure there numbers to be had somewhere, but if I were to guess then I'd say that there would be many socio-econimic positive effects to be had, that would in the end save more money than the payed leave programme would cost in the first place.
I am not afraid of Socialism, it is just incompatible with humanity and only ever seems to work when propped up by a relatively free market economic policy.
You got me a making productive kids.
One thing I am not quite understanding of is when she says to teach children "good work ethic". What's her definition of "work"? I worry that it involves bending passively to the will of anyone who is hierarchically above us.
On a positive note, it was interesting to me to be reminded that children worked during their "childhoods".
Use your voice. Man, it's not only the message that makes it feel like you are crying.
Wow so many parenting books on offer and so many different guides to raising children different ways......
Least favorite Ted video so far.
She stereotypes sooooo much but if a guy did this video then it would be sexist
As a first time parent, I feel this TED simplifies too much the dynamic parent-child and diminish the effort of authors to provide some guidance to us. Good for her she is raising her child with her natural ability and does not need the books, but not every parent has a support system or even knowledge how to do it properly. I think this is the first Ted I really didn’t like, too poor, basically based on opinion and trying to apply it for everybody when it is not possible to do so :/
I am a first time parent as well. I was raised in a dysfunctional environment so I have to learn what it means to an effective parent. I am consciously trying to be a great Mom so I read books, listen to lectures and try to be a more informed parent. I listened to this entire lecture and I did not take away from it that books or bad or that parenting should be simplified. I took away that we can also try to accept what we are attempting to do well and worry less.
@@InHisService772 I understand your point. This TED was sent to me by the father of my child. He is the "my parents did nothing special and even were abusive to me and I ended up just fine" type of guy. So that might have influenced my opinion too. I also come from a dysfunctional environment (absent father and alcoholic mother) and I want at least to try to be the best I can for my daughter. Without pressure or feeling bad because I am not perfect (because I sure am not), but also not relying on the universe or my personal skills to make it work.
Thank you for your input, it clarified some things to me :)
That's wonderful that you can eat Gluten and be just fine. My wife and both sons cannot have Gluten due to having celiac disease. My apologies for not having a medically perfect family.
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.
I would hardly say that parents have been doing "just fine" all of human history. While humanity is slowly improving, in some parts of the world, all of human history has been plagued with all sorts of societal ills. I don't think that merely having some of your offspring survive should constitute the main criteria for "good parenting".
With all the respect to the lady, I don't think I have learnt much from her talk.
Over population of the world, along with a failing economy = higher not lower competition.
Her assumptions that if it worked for me, it should work for today's children, is a false comparison, not taking into account the relative higher competition.
It is a well known fact of all complicated skills, the younger you start the better you are at older ages. Chess grandmasters start at age 5 learning the game and studying hours every day. This competition for paid work will require each kid to be like the tree that must grow taller to get any sun or payment at all. Like a forest of trees competing for sunlight, our kids will have to work harder, not be lazy, just so they are not sitting in someone else's shadow who did work hard.
What is the point of this talk?? Read no books and wing it ? Stop hitting shouting and abusing kids, be there for them and show them love and they'll be fine . Read as many books as possible on parenting IMO. There is a lot of overlap and knowledge is power
Stop setting such a stupidly high standard for parenting. You can't make them infinitely happy.
Lots of parents have this problem, and it's sad.
I don't think there is a singular point, but it's a good contemplation of modern parenthood.
Be decent, productive and have ethics. Above all, love your kids. Don't get daunted with immaterial objectives, like "hapiness". Don't stress to much by overthinking things or by being afraid of everything that can go wrong and how unmerciful our world is.
I had to pause, But I think there should be a type of parenting training the comes before having a child. Im not saying you should become a teacher, however some form of teaching should be a prerequisite. Granted, one can do with their body what they want, however once a new life is created and is autonomous, one has to embrace the fact that you have no control, only contributed guidance.
But regardless of my opinion on parental prerequisites, there should be paid parental leave, or fulltime pay for parttime. just something.
But if parenting is the one thing which humans have been doing 'successfully' - why is it that there is so much unhappiness and resentment on our planet?
Clearly parent need to be psycho-educated on crucial topics.
Must watch.
TALLER PADRES. FREDY BAQUERO CURSO 7B.
EXCELENTE
Here is what I KNOW. Kids don't need to BE a project - they need to be PART of a project. Then you fix the issues you can in the context of going somewhere together. This is good, because when you don't move or are too preoccupied with your own navel, or when the child does not - the project still moves you all. You don't change the care. You don't become less attentive. You still follow up. But you shift the focus from what we are to where we are going. And that is important when shit breaks down - and it will.
That project used to be working the farm or whatever craft or family thing. The question now is - what is essentially meaningful enough to keep us all moving in the same general direction, if in different ways and tempos?
If its not real - kids don't buy it. They know where your real attention is. And if you focus on the shit without focusing on where we are going at the same time, and without asserting that aspect, chances are the shit is just gonna spread out laterally from the static centre.
For the avid reader ;o):
The most attentive kid I ever saw was a 4 year old son of an Indonesian Fisherman. Alone in the boat in the shallow end of the island boat channel, he was rolling up his dads tuna line on a handcrafted wheel. Perfectly at peace, perfectly concentrated, doing a job that most would not give a 4-yearold, if they needed it done right, in a situation that would probably scare many parents. It was deeply meaningful to him - his entire being was set on doing it right, on helping his father out. As he had learned. Catching the fish, he knew they all survived on. When a small ripple caught the boat and he dropped the rig in the shallows he cried inconsolably. Not for the (apparent) loss, not for fear of consequence, but in frustration that he did not succeed. Not like a kid with a broken toy. Like a contributor. Like someone with identity, someone who belonged, someone part of something important. When dad returned from the boat shed, a few minutes after - he just picked up the line and his kid, and they sat down, in the quiet, unperturbed, way of so many Indonesians I know, to fix the line. The was the comfort. All the love implicit, all the emotions set free by not having to be the all-important centre of attention. It was not about removing crying and installing happiness. It was about doing together. About going somewhere. About being needed. For real. Needless to say that investment would pay off in the years to come. But it was not even that strategical of a parenting measure. It was just life unfolding according to its own momentum.
Not glamorizing the merciless life of a local tuna fisherman, this made me think how the price of the industrial society truly is the fragmentation of integrated life processes. The one redeeming thing about this village was that all of life was there, integrated in the natural behaviours of everyday life. You did not have to go anywhere to meet friends or family - you worked with them, on the common project of survival and community building. You can question the values of any community of course but no community is as bad as bad community. And no community is what the global north is increasingly about. And so you produce parent and kids with no valid center outside themselves. Nothing to be a part of, nothing to be moved by, nothing to lean on. Just avenues of exploration pointing back to you and you and you. And should you fail in happiness - we all know who must consequently be to blame - You. I firmly believe that the only way to cushion the impact of modernity is creating better opportunities for more integrated life styles.
What's wrong with fostering an environment where we maximize having fun times with our children?
Now that's a goal.
thanks so much for your brave & thoughtful talk , I couldn`t agree with U more ,it might sound too simplistic ,should we learn something from the animal world ? after all they have been parenting much much longer, and the results aren`t so bad ? or are they ? the lioness menages to raise five cubs at a time and seems to rather enjoy her role.how could it be ? ? ?
I love the Spock joke! ha ha ha
Jennifer, as the father of two fully grown, good and decent human beings, who followed their dreams and are experiencing great joy in their lives, I mean you no disrespect, but you are not ready to be giving people child rearing advice. "You do not know what you do not know".
I have never disliked a ted talk... I truly dislike this one.
I learned nothing from this talk..
why? simple answer, because it is an "industry"...just like so many others geared towards the "self-help" market...first they make you feel inept and then they feed you the books, self-guide book - , "that you are made to feel you need". Again. Simple. You create a "niche"...and then "you fill the niche". First you plant the seed of "ineptness" in whatever field and then you provide the great answer...when all along the answer has been there ...but you just weren't - attentive enough-, smart enough -, to see it but had the money to buy the books. Think, what you need to parent is what you learnt from your parents and grandparents, your extended family (very simple, take away what did not work for you, what you liked and did not like, what you wished they had done and what you wish they hadn't done, and I bet you have got the formula...). I followed these principes and I have raised a wonderful child. By this I mean, I have raised a child who grew up to be an awesome human being and all I mean by that is that she is kind, considerate, generous, respectful and trying to be happy in what she does everyday! Mission accomplished. And yes, I was never arrogant to dismiss the advice I got from other mothers, I was always willing to listen to what they said to me because their experience (mixed with my own ,intuition) meant the world to me, whenever I heard a mother gving me avdice, I always remembered "who knows best?" the answer, as we all know is "Mother knows best". Namastee. Love you my sweet Kate.
Excelente . En nuestro país , hay zonas , barrios en particular que viven empeñados en hacer todo como en América del Norte...... Eso que menciono , mandar los chicos a aprender a jugar al ajedrez , el desayuno.en la cama rnmois cumpleaños , cenar pizza los viernes ...etc etc. Y ha en todo lo que se explica en estos vídeos ........y los padres trabajan mucho más de lo que podrían , y se quejan de las mismas cosas ...... Yo no comparto que solo la educación terciaria trae la felicidad . Creo que la felicidad de un ser humano nace desde su libertad para elegir su camino ......que pueda o no ser convertirse en un profesional , con postgrados fuera del país .......la felicidad puede en ccontrarla cumpliendo con un trabajo que haya elegido por vocación verdadera , por aptitudes e intereses que él tenga ... A los niños hay que darles los elementos para saber decidir en el futuro , y saber discernir para que tarea , labor, o profesión quieren preparars. ...... Y de esa manera, pienso que podrán disfrutar lo que hacen y encontrar estímulo en su trabajo . Gracias , Padre , !!!
Am I the only one who is confused by this talk? She went through 18 minutes without actually saying ANYTHING that supports her idea? First she suggests that gender roles are important, then she says that men need to do more, then she says they need to do less.... what is going on in this talk? Walked away from this feeling so dissatisfied.
the problem is treating your children like children. i dont force my wife to learn Mandarin; you should treat your children with at least as much honor and respect.
Exactly, and have patience with them because they just want to explore the world and experience it. And don't just tell them not to do things, explain to them why certain things are best to avoid.
This advice is fit only for people who lack logic and critical thinking skills...
So it fits our society as a whole.
Marcos Moritz
I'd hardly even say "as a whole." People that raise their kid to learn Mandarin, gluten-free, eco-friendly, etc are an extreme minority.
***** That is just nit picking. He has a point.
Thomas Cameron
Not really. Her entire premise is "look at all these books about weird ways people try and raise their kids," but people that use the really weird ones are a very small number. Normal people are perfectly capable of finding the generic parenting books they want/need.
Soon-to-be parents don't go as insane as she wants people to think.
Mate, I work in childcare. I see an awful lot of stressed parents and deranged children. I see a lot of divorced parents as well. I think that you are speaking only for your own experiences. Probably you are in a demographic of people that have a higher standard of living than the average.
It's considered a crisis because there isn't enough data to reach any certain conclusions. Doctors say one thing one decade and then that's proven wrong in the next. Parenting, as a scientific field, it's still very primitive. So, yeah, if I were a parent, I would be concerned whether I was doing a good job. The "humans have been doing it for millennia" is an insultingly idiotic argument.
I should buy a farm.
This girl stereotypes very much
Lolz none of the jokes were landing
верните субтитры, я из россии и мне легче так когда я читаю и слушаю, а не когда я слушаю
colbypark1 - Everything that you wrote is 100% correct; and you have every right to be on your computer.
Anxiety: Crap, PEE, throw-up, milk, fluids of many dimensions, on everything you own. BTW: never buy stuff like furniture from nice looking sub-divisions. They all have the aforementioned on/in them.
OH, nice talk lady! I don't subscribe to all the hype and ridiculous things people come up with. Write your own book without reading all the others! It only clouds your mind.
multitasking is bad for you.
TALLER PADRES COLEGIO CHAMPAGNAT 7B FREDY BAQUERO
Happiness is not a goal. I think it's more like a choice.
I hate motherhood, i hate my post pregnancy body, i hate the sound of my kids whining and crying, i look at them and wish i had a time machine, i would have never gotten married or had kids.... I'd be free as a bird with mo ties! I fantasize about divorcing my wonderful husband just to split up custody
This is the most distasteful talk I've ever seen on TED. The speakers attitude is condescending and dripping with negativity.
B
The average parent or 7.45 out of 10 parents would rather have beauty than brains because the average man or woman can see clearer than he or she can think.
First world problems.
middle class problems.
Go to school, we discuss after.
Ad hominem genius.
君が知らない言葉使用えない。
You can try.
99 problem patenthood isnt one 😎
*Women don't multitask. Talking on the phone and breathing isn't multitasking.*
This is the WORST TED Talk I have EVER seen. This woman contributes NOTHING. She just wasted 18 minutes of my life with nonsense and drivel. I just kept waiting for the substance and all I got was BS. Who's next on the TED stage, Ann Coulter? Get it together, TED.
I have to agree. It was terrible
Good old TED, not a conservative voice to be found. Anywhere.
Nice balance there, tedly...
this ted talk sucks
Any kid is much happier than any adult. In order to feel a bit of happiness we need sex, drugs, alcohol, cars and other expensive stuff. In contrast children are happy with just cheap toys or even without any reason. So children happines is not a paramount it's just a normal state of childhood.
Stopped watching after 2 minutes because 2 out of 3 of her jokes bombed and the other joke only worked because she made it painfully obvious the crowd was suppose to laugh by putting up a picture of spok
So you're watching these talks for jokes? I think you should grow the fuck up, unless you're actually a kid.