These are just empathy responses. learning to listen, not interrupt and be there. don't solve, just listen and understand where they are coming from and try to see why they are feeling the way they do without fixing it. but a VERY useful tool in every day life.
It’s so nice to be heard and just being able to express yourself freely without feeling trampled all over and ignored even further. It’s so lonely to have the person you care about most be completely off the mark. Validation is such a simple and easy bridge to help with comms.
I'm a fixer too, and I want to rescue. But I'm learning to validate first. Throwing out solutions first, OR when you throw out reasons and excuses when it's *you* that upset them sets fuel on the fire instead of de-escalating. Validation is HUGE.
This was SOOOO HELPFUL!!!!! I was always told me and my wife argue all the time because I didn’t validate her and I thought that meant try to fix it. Thanks so much Jayson!!!! This has pulled me straight out the dog house lol.
Watching this video made a freaking light bulb go off in my head. I thought by being ready to jump in with my fix was my way of validating her feelings! I've always wondered why she has always stated that I don't validate her feelings! I have constantly been trying to make her life better through fixing, which I am now realizing is a form of me trying to control her feelings instead of validating them! Holy freaking crap guys! Thank you for this, you have no idea what the simple video has done for me in this moment! I have some serious practicing to do!
As a husband myself I would recommend that other men also follow this advice. It goes a long way - more than you might realise. Obviously wives also need to learn to express their emotions clearly too but that is a different issue. You do your bit to bridge the communication gap.
This has been a big issue with previous partners. So, I created the acronym LACE to clearly explain it to my current partner: -Listen with the intention of understanding, not fixing or mansplaining -Acknowledge how you think this made me feel; use an adjective -Comfort me with a form of physical contact; hold my hand, hug me, kiss me, etc. -Encourage me: "You got this, things will get better, I'm behind you whatever you do", etc It actually allows him to relax more, knowing he doesn't have to play such an active role and fix anything, just be in the moment with me and make me feel understood and supported.
Women do want things fixed, but it's important to realize they don't want their husbands to try to fix THEM. By listening with empathy we can all go a long way to helping people feel understood, that in itself will help to fix problems.
Oh my goodness I felt like I was listening to my dad in that first clip. This is definitely an important skill for people to know. I'm not currently in a relationship, just fell down RUclips rabbit hole but I'm still glad I came across this video.
I do this to my husband, it’s very hard to change especially when the solution is very evident to me…but saying it NEVER goes well. Definitely going to focus more on validation.
This video hit me hard in the face with a mirror!! This is exactly how I talked my wife for many years and I am now seeing just how much damage it has done!
I agree with this and it is extremely important, the problem is women are very intuitive and though our intentions may be sincere in changing, at times our effort may come off as rehearsed or robotic thus looking insincere. I think we need to really want to shift our mindset so we actually do care (although at times we want the conversation to be over). When we shift our mindset to actually caring about what they are saying instead of robotic responses our efforts become natural and are sincere and will look sincere.
Exactly! And remember, that if you just want the interaction to be over... maybe the big picture of deeper connection, emotional safety being gained, is lost when you’re too focused on it stopping! It can go both ways. Many women feel that way about sex, they just want it to be over (often due to it seeming to be more about the man, not always, but often) and it can become more “chore” oriented. Just like a man may prefer an enthusiastic wife, in regards to sex...vs her just wanting it to be “over”. Same with a woman with a man listening and validating. It ruins it for her, if she can sense he just wants it to be “over”. Men and women are very, very different. Learning one another’s language, and needs, helps the overall harmony. We don’t have to understand every aspect, but if we do what serves the relationship...more than just our agenda...both parties are more likely to feel connected and accepted.
@@Alphacentauri819 What a wonderful response and well thought out and explained! And I think your example regarding the different needs IE: sex / emotional availability, was a perfect comparison I never even thought of it that way! Thanks for your response!
Emotional validation is the first sign i look for when choosing a partner. Its also closely related to empathy, so if he doesn't have this skill immediately i know in the beginning that its not gone work
@@RAMRA10 I don't have patience for them to learn. It may take years! This is more often then not a deeply rooted habit that stems from childhood trauma... I'm not waiting around for someone to learn how to treat me
@@summernight7587 emotional validation is important, but the only reason I commented was because I resonated with your comment. I didn’t have the skill but I learn fast and I’m willing to learn. Also my girlfriend at the time has borderline personality disorder so I felt like a complete bad person even though I know I am not. For people with BPD emotional validation is even more important because their stressors are many and takes them down roads that trigger more stressors unrelated to the original one. It can be difficult navigating how to phrase a sentence, because you’re trying to describe to them a behavior they don’t even know they’re doing all because, they didn’t feel understood, because their beliefs are not rooted in reality sometimes. I know it’s totally unrelated but it was devastating not having this skill even though I’m an extremely emphatic person. I’m sorry you feel that way that you think it might take years for the other person to learn, but also becoming mindful of your own stressors, may help you have successful relationships with a partner that is willing to grow with you.
@@RAMRA10 Okay understand now that you explained in depth! I hope you and your girlfriend continue to make progress and grow in your Bond for one another... Thanks for sharing your experience with me 😊
So weird, but dang it really is true. I’ve known this for a while and still keep slipping up a lot😂. It’s just soooo aggravating sometimes bc when it’s the same problem day after day it’s like….. uggggghhhh! Lol…. It’s like walking across the yard every day and stepping in a hole twisting your ankle…. “ Oh that must have hurt”. Next day, walk across yard, step in the hole. “Oh, that must’ve hurt”. Next day rinse and repeat….. I’m thinking. WALK AROUND THE HOLE. YOU KNOW IT’S THERE. Smh…… as a man I understand women are different, but when it’s the same dang problem arising multiple times I can’t help but get frustrated!
If you validate well... it will be become easier. However, try this perspective on. Imagine a wife says something similar. It's just sssooo aggravating sometimes when it's the same request for sex, day after day, it's like uuughhhh. That's how some women see it. "Not again"...but they often do it, because they understand the value to their partner...and they're trying to connect (although validation is the core of connection for most women...so if you have that, they're usually much happier about sex). Validation is often to a woman...like an orgasm is to a man. It is a head to toe, deep resonant, exhale. That's why it's worth considering.
I wouldn't say that I don't want my problems fixed (I'd love for all my problems to be resolved), but, but I also want my stress, worries, and the toll that my problems have on me to be acknowledged.
I'd also be ok with him asking ME, what I plan to do about it. Men have a morbid fear of no one taking any action, just sitting around and crying about it, ( which is ok too), but it makes everyone feel fulfilled - at the right time - when there's also action talk. After the validation. But let HER tell you what she might do about it. Or maybe she wants to think about it later. This was a good video, easy for a man to utilize, thanks.
I think it's great that people are hearing this message of helping someone feel validated. Sounded a little funny to me how you said that women don't want their problems to be fixed. For me, it's just the "fixes" that someone can offer can be not realistic ones or don't come from a place of understanding. If I could fix the problem I would have. Hearing fixes you know won't really work is just frustrating. That's why listening is important, because you understand enough to help offer your input to guide the person to the best solution for them. But of course, sometimes we humans do need someone to just tell us we're not crazy after someone else invalidates us. Maybe some people have a plan already in their heads and just need the validation that they're right as fuel to carry out that plan and stand up for themselves, because they try to be good people and otherwise don't want to hurt others.
Yes!!! It’s driven me crazy having someone try to “fix” as if I’m incompetent or incapable. If I saw it could be “fixed” i would’ve. Being heard is a processing realm, and nervous system calming. Having someone try to “fix”, when I need validation (active listening and resounding), is activating to my nervous system and I feel more stressed than when I reached out for validation!
Man this was such a, validating video! Seriously. I was starting to feel crazy for getting upset my husband kept telling how to fix myself. And he never just listened to me.but i was starting to feel like ur was me, and just stopped talking to him because he mostly tells me it my fault, and i need to fix myself. It really hurts when he says that to me. I've tried to explain to him a few different times and a few different ways, how that hurts me and he just doesn't get it
Good video. Validation is a really important underpinning issue in building trust and respect in any relationship. I think quite a lot of men still view listening to their loved ones problems as a girl thing. Something you have to do with your girlfriends and not them. So it can really be an alien world for them at first. Get the feelings out first, big relief. Some stuations cannot be fixed straight away. So don't jump the gun guys. Be patient. Prick up your. ears and really listen.! All the best X
Great guidance @JaysonGadis. How do you apply these techniques when your wife is upset and expressing anger at/about you? It seems easy to empathize with her feelings when she’s upset about other people.
Learn to not take things personally. An angry wife feels hurt, threatened, insecure, fearful...anger is less vulnerable to express and that’s what comes out. Validate the emotion!!!! Say “I can see you are really angry/upset...I love you and want to hear what you are saying” and then you say “tell me more”...until she is done talking, unless you can validate (or repeat back to her) what the heart of it is. This will be 10x’s more calming or effective, than any defensive words, or judging her perspective. If you defend in that moment, or tear apart what she’s feeling..,that’s essentially saying “you’re wrong”. No one feels safe, heard, known, when they are told they’re wrong. It’s close to gaslighting, like telling them their perspective is off. You don’t have to agree to validate. You are not colluding with them in some attack on your ego, if you validate. Even if they are upset at you, you need to remember that you aren’t enemies...but partners. This can be hard, but it helps with your big picture goals, of connection and enhanced harmony. After your wife has been heard & is calmer (maybe even another time) you have every right to express how you feel, how you perceived her anger. Too many times, men miss the boat trying to put out a perceived attack, when it’s really the wife’s cry of pain. The more emotionally safe a woman feels, the less likely angry outbursts occur. If a history of dismissiveness exists, some women (based on the trigger of stored history) will escalate quicker when this has been an ongoing pattern. Validation is diffusion, connection and love, to most women.
When I am discussing feelings with my significant other I have expressed that I feel not understood and often no validated which leads me to feel disconnected with my partner. How do you go about applying these techniques to a discussion about feelings or a more intimate emotional situation?
An excellent video. Thank you so much for making this. It has been a big help not only with my wife and daughter but with other women as well. Thanks again. Peace.
Jayson, really great video! I'm realizing that I have that desire to fix everything and that's not what's important to my wife. I'm trying to learn to be better at validation but I'm finding it challenging to quickly create validating responses on the fly. I learn best when I can think through many different situations beforehand like playing out the scenario in my head. That way I can be prepared when something similar arises. Do you know of a resource that actually goes through many different examples and provides a good way to respond? If not, you should totally make a video on that. The two examples you gave were great. More would be awesome!
The Personal Development School has fantastic communication scripts, and other courses that can help. My ex (who used to be extremely invalidating) and I both took the course, because we coparent and the communication was still terrible. He has gotten better at communication and so have I. It makes me far less apprehensive to deal with him, or state any needs or boundaries. Before, the invalidation, dismissal, judging my needs, or trying to “fix” things, were killers to any kind of resolutions.
Have you put cameras in my house and car and been capturing every conversation i've ever had with my wife to script that first reenactment exapmle?! Goodness I have been so wrong. I can see myself accurately and its not good. Lord help me change.
I certainly hope, when listening to your wife, that you will be allowed to ask as many clarifying questions as necessary to help you understand what she means Good luck.
I totally get this and agree with it. But what if “The Problem” she is always upset about is me? When she goes on for 45 minutes or longer about all my faults. What is a constructive and loving way to have that conversation and de-escalate without appearing defense? Is the only way to agree / validate the long list? Basically say, “Yes you are right, I’m awful. Nobody on the internet seems to address this vicious cycle.
Beyond learning the techniques/basic listening skills, maybe also consider privately at a deeper level that to extend yourself (out of selfishness) to do this is an act of love....and you say you “love” your wife or husband right ? Love, at it’s core, is an action, not a romantic feeling. Extend and practice this active empathetic listening to your children and others. It’s a pre-advice, pre-fixing stance that will pay dividends over time.
Yep. I’ve heard it described as “listening IS loving”. I can tell you, 100%, as a woman, feeling heard/seen/known/accepted (empathy, validation, listening, all are parts of this), it means more than any material gift, any physical affection attempts, etc. To me, it demonstrates the core of what I desire. Because most humans can’t give this, it’s very rare. After my last relationship, I’m pretty done. I do try to demonstrate this to my children though.
I try to remember to ask HER what she thinks she will do next, and only offer suggestions is she asks for them. Most of the time, it seems that people just need to vent to a safe person.
It seems to be that there is at times an expectations mismatch, wherein one person wants literally to voice complaint, and expects another to serve as a note or less passive sounding board. Tbe expectation sometimes includes an expectation on the complainers part that they have the *right " of expectation of a particular listener to provide this more or less passive service. There can be hidden disagreement in expectations of what is required of the listener. What's more, there can be hidd n disagreement on what the complainer *ought properly" to expect from the listener. The expectation that one's spouse (as opposed to ones friends) ought to play the role of such a listener is widely held, but of questionable warrant.
This relates to Gaslighting, which I think women feel quite often (due to society being constructed around male forms of interaction and thinking). This will continue until society catches up and gives more weight/authority to more emotional forms of reasoning and community, such as empathy and equality.
I understand the verb 'to validate" to mean either (i) to make something that was not valid to become valid, or (ii) to declare something of uncertain validity to be valid. Are you using the verb 'to validate" in this sense or another? I ask because it seems that this meaning of the verb does not quite fit how it is often used in councilling, and that perhaps it is used as a term of art that I do t understand. In particular, I find it used to refer to feelings *as if* it makes sense at all to common nquirw you into whether a feeling is valid or not -- for I don't know in what meaningful sense we can correctly speak of a feeling :lacking validity'. I am slow man. Please help.
What do we do after you have listened to their story and you have put your self in their shoes but now their looking for a response? Or how do you know they want your advice on this? I tend to do the problem solving thing but I’m wondering how do you listen and then resolve or make them feel better about the situation? Thanks!
Verbalize what you think they’re saying and feeling...and if they say “yes” that you understood, then move on to “is there anything I can do to help?” “Do you need anything more from me?” If they don’t feel understood, keep listening, or say “tell me more” until you’ve been able to get verbal feedback that you have understood them. Mostly, women want their partner to “bear witness” and “hold space” for their experience. That feels so, so good. If there is an emotional equivalent to orgasm, being heard and validated is it. Many women I know, would take validation and the feeling of safety, over sex any day. It’s that powerful. Interestingly, if she feels validated, she’s more likely to want to connect physically.
Drawing out the feelings is like getting the medical chart filled out. A doctor needs info before treating the disease. Being hasty in treatment just make things worse.
That said: If you are complaining about headaches and snagged sweaters, and there is a nail in your forehead, diagnosis of the root proximate cause should take an instant.
And what's really stupid is, that i'm not any smarter than my wife. She's a brilliant person who is very capable of critical thinking and she's a very good problem solver. Why would even think that I even COULD just swoop in and fix a problem upon hearing about it for 2 seconds?
it depends on the situations n. In the case of a nail in the forehead, for example, you mightlack the medical expertise to safely extract it yourself. But you can identify the problem instantly. Don't be gaslit into thinking Yiu can't, or that you are evil for doing so.
How to respond in text when she says that she is ugly and idk what to say cuz before I used to say that she isn't ugly she is pretty and that doesn't works I will listen and understand her but what m I gonna respond after she says she is ugly?
maybe she wants you to tell her she's beautiful all the time, that usually happens, also, she needs to work on her selfsteem, self-love, because she should not say that about herself.
So why is the advice always directed to men? Why aren’t we saying “men want to fix problems while women want to complain and stew on them.” The male approach - analyze a problem, develop a strategy and fix it - is obviously superior. Women should do that.
@summernight7587 I certainly hope, when listening to your spouse, that you will be allowed to ask as many clarifying questions as necessary to help you understand what they means l. *And vice versa* Good luck. Many hate it.
The communication "styles" between men and women are so different, I immediately perceived the second tactic as incredibly condescending. If one of my friends was responding to me like that I would think they were making fun of me. Why do women want to be spoken to like mental patients?
@summernight7587 I certainly hope, when listening to your spouse, that you will be allowed to ask as many clarifying questions as necessary to help you understand what they means l. *And vice versa* Good luck.
Struggling to not hop on over explaining or defend, especially when my partners issues are anxious feelings about me and the relationship... helppp :( I want him to feel valid and heard but I don't want to put myself down or even entertain some of the accusations he's saying
Dude, you know your stuff. And you two are great actors. Now, where is the video explaining to women how to be receptive to guys' way of wanting to deal with women's complaining? How To Be Receptive To Your Man's Drive To Fix It
So...how to change what women want and how they feel loved? That’s like suggesting coming up with a video telling men to be receptive to constant physical intimacy refusal. Why suggest someone get “used to” something that doesn’t meet their needs. That’s narcissist and ignorant to suggest wives just bend to what mostly works for a man. Maybe you could visit Dr Gottman‘ site. He’s done relationship research for over 40 years. His biggest predictor of divorce is if a MAN doesn’t allow himself to be influenced by his wife. Women naturally take their partners into consideration, value their needs, more than most men. Men don’t even see this, it’s just taken for granted. Women feel it, and it effects the relationship profoundly. If you don’t want to take feedback that will help your wife feel emotionally safe, seen, heard, accepted, then don’t be in relationship! Just like someone who complains why do they have to go to school for a certain degree...if they won’t work towards it, learn the skills, they shouldn’t get the job. Same with relationships. It’s ALL about RELATING!
@@Alphacentauri819 Interesting. I made the comment you are responding to "four years ago". I'll do my best to try to remember the context of it all and my frame of mind. Here's what I believe I was trying to say: So much relationship advice out there is about "fixing" what comes natural to men -- about getting men to bend to women's needs, which are the 'correct' needs to have. I'm just suggesting that it be fair and balanced -- that women should be advised just as much on how to understand and bend towards the needs and nature of men. It shouldn't be one-sided. As in the example scenario in the video, men shouldn't be treated as though their nature to fix things is wrong, just that women are looking for validation instead of a solution, oftentimes. Women should be encouraged to understand that men's nature to fix it isn't wrong; it's just their nature. I'm just advocating for meeting in the middle: that women are taught to understand and bend towards men, just as much as men are taught to understand and bend towards women, and that neither sex's typical natural traits are "wrong". Neither sex is composed of mindless automatons that are incapable of learning and adapting to the opposite sex. Let's not insult either sex by treating them as though they are (helpless, stupid, or can't control themselves, in a way that's up to the other sex to provide all the proper "inputs" to make the "automaton" happy; neither sex is an automaton).
@@Pulseczar1 I hear you and appreciate your response. I do think that in relationship we are called to be greater than how we would be if single. It’s interesting that you see that this video is showing a man’s tendency to “fix things” as wrong. I don’t see it that way. I see a man’s tendency to “fix” things as very, very useful...in the right circumstances! “Fixing” just isn’t the tool to use here! If a woman, who has great communication skills, chooses to use her “communication” skills, to have a deep conversation, while the couple is being physically intimate, it might not be very helpful timing. Same with a man trying to “fix” something that doesn’t need fixing. “Fixing” isn’t wrong. The timing, context, might call for a different skill. Now, on to the other point. Women are told from very early on, directly and indirectly, that our value is in how we please a man. Visually and otherwise. We get this message on repeat. What to do, how to change, how to appeal to, how to be...what a man wants. There are articles and ads and on and on, on every little thing we should modify, consider, to be “desirable”. The message we chronically get, is that how we naturally are, is defective. That to be “ok”, we need to change most of who we are, put our true needs on the back burner and that we need to consider first and foremost what guys want. After decades of that message...I have to admit, it’s refreshing to see a man care about connecting with a woman in a way that means something to her. After bending over backwards in relationships to give men what they want, especially my ex....I’m so grateful to see this. I’d bend and try to be what I thought he wanted, not asking for much...but when I finally asked for some needs to be met, they were often dismissed and I was often not considered in choices. I always considered what he wanted, how he might be affected. He now admits he was selfish & that i was way more attuned to his needs. He admits he didn’t see the importance of some of my needs. That’s super toxic to discount a partners needs, just because they’re different. At least a conversation, and trying to understand (validation) can go a LONG ways. I’m finally figuring out who I am, without scrutinizing myself through a male lens. I feel free to be myself. It feels bad to adapt and change that much, it’s what society drills in our head...so much, that maybe you’re blind to all the messages to women. It’s expected that we’ll change and learn “20 new ways to please a man”, on the cover of the latest magazine. Some of those same magazines would even say “learn to accept yourself” in the same dissonance creating page!!! It’s like “become something else, for someone else, you’re not acceptable as you are”...then whiplash “you’re fine just as you are”. Confusing as all hell. I think that men’s nature to “fix” things is a great trait...as long as it’s not being used on me, when I just want a listening ear. I’m not to be “fixed”. That’s insulting, like I’m defective or an item. Maybe it’s hard to set aside that particular dominant skill, to listen in a way that works for a woman...but listening=love, to many women. Being loved like that is the ultimate. Thanks for your views. Hopefully some of mine shed some light on the other side.
Maybe you could get the book "I Hear You' by Michael Sorensen. It is one of the bear resources on validation out there. Then again...maybe you're just a narcissist? Your statement sounds like you might be, with that level of dismissal and lack of empathy. Maybe be kind and let her go...let her be with someone who thinks she's worthy and matters. A partner like you could drive a "normal" person to be neurotic...so, maybe take yourself out of the equation and she'll do better.
what about the I don't feel like having sex, I'm out of shape I have too much to do, yet she is on f b for hours nd has time for everyone and everything else, even though when you take it and give her sex she enjoys it?
This is very interesting. However, I am German and if I translate this conversation into German it just doesn't have the same effect. Confirming someone's feelings that they've just told you makes them feel like you are making fun of them. "This must be frustrating." Yes Sherlock. But maybe it is just cyincal me.
+Jayson Gaddis I am sorry. What do you mean my reversing the principle? Did your video not heavily imply that there is a separate way to validate men's feelings [throughout the video, for instance at 05:04 ]? I do not understand what you mean. How does a woman validate a man's feelings?
Some Curiosities great point Jayson. Typically men don't "need validation" the same way women do. Men don't express themselves the way women do. Since more women seek counseling more videos will be catered towards women's needs.
Just flip it...I do it all the time. This is a great technique. Whatever he's going thru just listen, be supportive and say u understand how he feels. If he's wrong about something listen anyway and provide a non-judgemental but honest reponce about how he could have handled it differently but don't tear him down. If he's totally in the wrong tell him that too but keep it short. He will pick up on it.
Jayson, I've blown it big time, I was set boundaries on not to go on pornsite and make comments and I got caught again. Not because I don't love my wife but I had a addiction that I couldn't identify until now. I've never cheated on her with another woman, never even got another woman's number but this to her was just as bad. She hasn't left me but she wants space and is sleeping on the couch. She is very tuff cookie and sticks to her guns. How can I get her to just listen and understand that I was sick and I never meant to hurt her or gain anything but a dopamine fix from these acts.
Your focus on just getting her to listen and understand...is not going to work. You need to listen to her, and deeply show you understand. No excuses, no justification, no defending. You need to hear her hurt, her sense of betrayal, and the deep, painful invalidation it is to a woman...to have a partner looking at porn. Imagine the way that someone could make you feel the worst about yourself, tear out your soul, make you feel incredibly unsafe and unloved...that is what porn in a relationship does. While porn (and drugs, and food, and more) are used for dopamine....what lies beneath is pain. Those things use the dopamine as an anesthetic for that pain. A core wound associated with such things is shame. Of shame is one of your core wounds, you need to heal that. Empathy cannot exist where shame has taken hold. Without empathy, we can't validate others. Tearing off the veils of shame, bringing all that is dark to light (with self compassion) is needed to dispel the shame. Look up how to heal the core wound of shame. That'll help address some of the root issues, that likely started in childhood. Without healing that shame...you cannot relate to others. Interestingly porn is a self invalidation..despite what one might feel at the time....it warps all you were meant to be, as well as fellow humans. It invalidates sexuality as an expression of connection, and makes it an act of isolation. I hope you can heal, and heal the wounds that drove it, heal your relationship to yourself, heal your relationship to your wife.
@@JaysonGaddis Maybe I should have been more clear in my other comment. My wife is much more reactive and emotional, and I have a difficult time taking action or supporting what she thinks she needs after I listen. We see life differently enough that what she wants me to do because of her feeling is difficult for me to sustain. What can I do in this situation? Thanks!
@@stevenscott8402 the book "I Hear You' by Michael Sorensen, is one of the best resources for validation I've heard/read (I got both the audio and physical copies). Incredible. I'm super impressed a man wrote this too. Amazing.
@summernight7587 I certainly hope, when listening to your spouse, that you will be allowed to ask as many clarifying questions as necessary to help you understand what they means l. *And vice versa* Good luck.
Hahaha the wrong stuff. I came here to learn how to validate my partner's, a man, feelings. But I laughed because he does all the wrong things from the beginning word for word. Lol. Ugh. All I can do is control myself and learn to validate him. Hopefully it will run off on him and he will learn how to give it back. He mirrors me and my words a lot so...
I'm sure I will get angry responses for this comment, but here goes. How/why do women know the problem, and the problem with communicating with their partner. Yet He has to adapt to her, instead of her realizing she is asking a doer to listen. Let him fix the problem then let him listen to how bad the experience was for her. He would likely show empathy knowing the problem has been resolved.
Sounds like you're not ready for a relationship, you're totally missing the point. How do women know what works for them? Is that what you're asking? Really? Ironically, that there is invalidating!! That says "I don't trust, believe, women to know themselves enough to know what they want...but ME in my god-complex arrogance can figure out (and fix) this problem)! Seriously? Often THE PROBLEM TO "FIX" is the LISTENING. That's it! That's what you need to DO. You can't fix a problem that doesn't need "fixing" in the limited way you define fixing. Often the "fixing" by the man, makes the emotional state of the women escalate...so how, in all sanity sake, is that helping?? It's arrogant to think your "fixing" is the solution. There are many ways of seeing, being in the world. Most of them aren't black/white. We are here to learn...from someone different. Sometimes we need to learn to be counterintuitive. Sometimes we need to set aside the need to "fix", be right, be in charge. Instead, be present, flexible, listen. Often the most difficult situations provide us with the exact opportunity that we need for our greater growth.
This is a great instruction for men on how NOT to be a "fixer" and how to display empathy because woman don't want you to "fix" the problem. Now do a video that instructs woman on how to identify an issue, to seek a range of solutions, choose the most appropriate solution to the problem and then how to apply the solution which will inturn negate the negative feelings the problem is causing them.
Please don't "instruct" me. Stop making this about men and women. I find this comment to be sexist. This is told as general advice for good listening in other places. There are women who go to fix or dismiss as their default. If someone doesn't want you to fix their problem, stay out of their business. It's probably because your solutions don't work and are too hastily offered. Maybe they know what is best for them but JUST want you to listen and help validate what someone else is saying about them isn't true.
Maybe you could take some psychology and neuroscience...and more in depth biology. Since you're asking a woman to be a man...do you just want to be with another man? Or...can you understand that there are profound physical (external) differences, and profound internal differences. You want the benefit of one, but complain about the other (because it isn't just like you??). Our biggest teachers are those who are different, think differently... To want someone to see the world exactly as you, and operate in it the same way...to suggest that is superior...is only ego posturing. It is myopic and self protective...bordering on narcissism. It is NOT the route to connection. -someone who has studied psychology for decades, worked in medicine for over a decade (thousands of patients MEN and WOMEN), and am now pursuing a PhD in neuroscience. Your "suggestions" are so misinformed. On what basis of expertise did you come to your conclusions? Dunning-Kruger?
I totally agree! It felt so fake. The interrupting and assuming vs asking if she’s upset. Think he totally missed your point! I got it though. He didn’t even make sure his assessment and “understanding” was accurate. Just said it and moved on. If this kind of “validation” happened to me, it would feel almost as bad as “fixing” 😬
There are much better suggestions in the book 'I Hear You' by Michael Sorensen. He has great suggestions for being more authentic overall...and in delivery too!
"Men want to fix the issue immediately and women don't care about that, they want to be heard, validated, and seen". Yes, two different perspectives. Let's present an analogy. A woman is screaming, the house is on fire and she is about to burn to death. The man rushes in to drag her out and save her. The woman doesn't want this as she's not interested in being saved, she wants her hurt, her feelings, to be validated, and the man is obviously not listening to her. The solution we're constantly presented with is for the man to stop and listen to the woman talk about how the problem is affecting her and how she hasn't done much to actually address the problem that's making her feel this way. Men are being trained to suppress their OWN instincts so that the woman is able to vent (to that same man) about a problem that can usually be solved in a straightforward and practical manner; not always, but usually. In doing so, the woman is causing the man immense distress, because 1) he sees the solution, 2) she's not acknowledging the solution, and 3) his time is being wasted with the impractical and irrational behavior of talking about the effects of a problem instead of actually solving it, time that *to a man* feels as if they're being waterboarded. Seriously, it really sucks to have someone griping about the pain of a nail in their head when they could just pull out that nail, and it's torture. Women talk about how NO is NO otherwise it's rape, well to a man this is a firm NO and you're raping a man's ears when this happens. Why the solution is for the man to adapt to a woman's style of communication rather than a more practical alternative that prioritizes the solution to the problem and also gives the woman some of what she feels she needs is a mystery to me. Sounds to me that BOTH man and woman need training, with a little more emphasis on a woman being more practical and rational rather than completely give in to emotion.
@@anthonyortiz7924 not even close to the same thing. Just say. "I'm arrogant, inflexible, and think my way is right. I struggle with myopic thinking, cognitive distortions, biases, and can't see values in others. I tend to correlate things that aren't connected. I use useless analogies that only further show how obtusely blind I am to other humans. I can't admit my own ignorance, so I posture with my ego and arrogance. The world would be so much better if it existed of only clones of myself"
@@Alphacentauri819 you can’t see myopic thinking in others when you’re mired in your own. Everything you said can be applied to you, but you’d rather apply it to others. Take your own advice so you can see the issues on *both* sides.
Nah I'ma have to stop u right there. I do believe can just straight tell dude if they wanna rant. Cause it's very problematic to present a problem to someone and then they can't fix it so they're just sitting there listening to a problem they can't fix. So my thing with that is just say "hey I wanna rant about something" I promise you dude will listen. But men are designed to fix things. So if you come at us straight up with problems........u don't think we coming at you with solution? So u gotta be clear of what the objective of the convo is. And if you notice the guy is doing something then say something. And don't give me the "women don't say thing" well hey.......it's called ask and you shall receive.
Unfortunately women mostly learned to converse with mostly other females...and we do this naturally. We know how to validate, listen, commiserate. So, we don’t even know to tell guys “hey I need to rant”...it just doesn’t occur to us at first. It’s like a guy playing golf with his buddies and then after decades...he brings a gal who has never golfed & all she knows is that the ball goes in the hole. Knows no rules, but instead assumes that if you can “solve the problem” & she can “fix” things, she just goes and grabs the golfball and runs and puts it in the hole!! Naaahhh! She just missed the whole point. She tried to “fix” something that didn’t need fixing, because she misses the big picture of golf! That’s how guys come across. They ruin something that is a process. Women are PROCESSING, externally, and just want someone to hang with them, as they process! That’s key.
Easiest way to validate your spouse? Don't have one to begin with. Your mental stability and financial situation will thank you more than you'll ever think.
Many women agree! More women than ever are leaving their male partners, for other women. Many are finding the emotional connection they always wanted...as well as (and this is way secondary importance) usually better physical intimacy. Super interesting. Plus, that helps stop the complaining men that women are after their money!!! Nope, some women have gone for money due to their real wishes being unavailable...emotional connection. Win-win, for both parties!!
There is also the other side. Solving problems is in a man's nature. A man shows he cares by trying to solve problems. Putting a lot of energy in discussing feelings about problems is s waste of time and energy for a man. Why do this when the problem can be solved, and there is no need for all these endless feelings anymore? Because let's be honest, a lot of women can go on endlessly about their negative feelings about real or imaginary problems. For women this might be a pleasant form of sharing, but for a guy this is just annoying. After the problem has been solved we can talk about how terrible the problem was and what a relief it was that it has been solved. It would be nice if women could see the good side of the problem solving attitude of men. If you got a flat tire, do you want somebody who talks about how that makes you feel or somebody who replaced the tire so you can quickly go back on route?
@@JaysonGaddis Differences between men and women are both nature and nurture, and often culture, so it is not just "conditioning". I get that sometimes your partner needs to vent, and that bringing up solutions can feel like a way to shut you up. My problem is this many women refuse to see the good intention behind the trying to bring up solutions. If a guy comes up with solutions most of the time he really wants to help. This may not be what the woman needs at that moment, but he means well. Yet the guy is often painted as a monster for not always getting this. Women should make the step to acknowledge the good intention, while clearly communicating what they need, instead of playing the insulted queen and giving once again the silent treatment. The other way around there is also not so much patience especially when it is about more typical male feelings or interests. There is also the tendency of women to make even minor practical problems into an emotional problem. If we drive in the car and have a flat tire I don' t want to hear about her feelings about that.. I want to get the car to a safe spot, and change the wheel. She can assist or should get at least get out of the way. After the problem is solved we can talk about feelings.
These are just empathy responses. learning to listen, not interrupt and be there. don't solve, just listen and understand where they are coming from and try to see why they are feeling the way they do without fixing it. but a VERY useful tool in every day life.
Thanks I am going to write this down and read it often.
It’s so nice to be heard and just being able to express yourself freely without feeling trampled all over and ignored even further. It’s so lonely to have the person you care about most be completely off the mark. Validation is such a simple and easy bridge to help with comms.
I'm a fixer too, and I want to rescue. But I'm learning to validate first. Throwing out solutions first, OR when you throw out reasons and excuses when it's *you* that upset them sets fuel on the fire instead of de-escalating. Validation is HUGE.
Thanks for commenting!
This was SOOOO HELPFUL!!!!! I was always told me and my wife argue all the time because I didn’t validate her and I thought that meant try to fix it. Thanks so much Jayson!!!! This has pulled me straight out the dog house lol.
For sure man. Glad it helped!
Giving unsolicited advice when a woman is emotionally vulnerable or having a bad day is the worst thing you can do!
Thanks for your feedback
Yes!!!😕😬
Watching this video made a freaking light bulb go off in my head. I thought by being ready to jump in with my fix was my way of validating her feelings! I've always wondered why she has always stated that I don't validate her feelings! I have constantly been trying to make her life better through fixing, which I am now realizing is a form of me trying to control her feelings instead of validating them! Holy freaking crap guys! Thank you for this, you have no idea what the simple video has done for me in this moment! I have some serious practicing to do!
You're welcome!
As a husband myself I would recommend that other men also follow this advice. It goes a long way - more than you might realise. Obviously wives also need to learn to express their emotions clearly too but that is a different issue. You do your bit to bridge the communication gap.
Thank you!
This also applies to friendships. And to parents and kids. And colleagues
agreed
This is great and helped my relationship with my wife. You are making a difference in people's life. Thanks a lot
so cool thanks!
@@JaysonGaddis us hope this helps me
This has been a big issue with previous partners. So, I created the acronym LACE to clearly explain it to my current partner:
-Listen with the intention of understanding, not fixing or mansplaining
-Acknowledge how you think this made me feel; use an adjective
-Comfort me with a form of physical contact; hold my hand, hug me, kiss me, etc.
-Encourage me: "You got this, things will get better, I'm behind you whatever you do", etc
It actually allows him to relax more, knowing he doesn't have to play such an active role and fix anything, just be in the moment with me and make me feel understood and supported.
So is the husband allowed to ask as many clarifying questions as necessary for him to understand you?
Women do want things fixed, but it's important to realize they don't want their husbands to try to fix THEM. By listening with empathy we can all go a long way to helping people feel understood, that in itself will help to fix problems.
Well said!! Empathy! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
As a woman I can say this video is excellent and gives me hope. Thank you
I'm so glad!
Oh my goodness I felt like I was listening to my dad in that first clip. This is definitely an important skill for people to know. I'm not currently in a relationship, just fell down RUclips rabbit hole but I'm still glad I came across this video.
I do this to my husband, it’s very hard to change especially when the solution is very evident to me…but saying it NEVER goes well. Definitely going to focus more on validation.
Thanks for sharing!!
What does 'valid' (as opposed to 'not valid') mean in this context?
Holy crap! Why didn't someone tell me this earlier in life? Why doesn't this have more likes?!?!?!
:)
Very useful info, and a big thanks to you for actually showing what these ideas look like through enactments. Very helpful!
for sure
This video hit me hard in the face with a mirror!! This is exactly how I talked my wife for many years and I am now seeing just how much damage it has done!
lol. glad to help
I agree with this and it is extremely important, the problem is women are very intuitive and though our intentions may be sincere in changing, at times our effort may come off as rehearsed or robotic thus looking insincere. I think we need to really want to shift our mindset so we actually do care (although at times we want the conversation to be over). When we shift our mindset to actually caring about what they are saying instead of robotic responses our efforts become natural and are sincere and will look sincere.
Thank you for your feedback!
Exactly!
And remember, that if you just want the interaction to be over... maybe the big picture of deeper connection, emotional safety being gained, is lost when you’re too focused on it stopping!
It can go both ways. Many women feel that way about sex, they just want it to be over (often due to it seeming to be more about the man, not always, but often) and it can become more “chore” oriented. Just like a man may prefer an enthusiastic wife, in regards to sex...vs her just wanting it to be “over”.
Same with a woman with a man listening and validating. It ruins it for her, if she can sense he just wants it to be “over”.
Men and women are very, very different. Learning one another’s language, and needs, helps the overall harmony. We don’t have to understand every aspect, but if we do what serves the relationship...more than just our agenda...both parties are more likely to feel connected and accepted.
@@Alphacentauri819 What a wonderful response and well thought out and explained! And I think your example regarding the different needs IE: sex / emotional availability, was a perfect comparison I never even thought of it that way! Thanks for your response!
That's awesome!
Thank you for the example that I've struggled with on a daily!
Glad it was helpful! 🙏
What knuckle head tells his wife her problems are no big deal? I think I might do that actually.
Yeah..stop doing that. Also..what knucklehead panders to another adult like they are a child?
priceless. i love it.
Extremely helpful.. saw myself and it’s an eye opener!!! Thanks for the video!! 🙏🏽
You're so welcome!
We broke up in January and now I understand this is why our arguments used to happen lmao. Thanks man! I'll subscribe and keep working on myself.
Emotional validation is the first sign i look for when choosing a partner. Its also closely related to empathy, so if he doesn't have this skill immediately i know in the beginning that its not gone work
Yes, thanks for sharing your point of view
It’s also something that can be acquired if they want to and are willing to they can learn this skill.
@@RAMRA10 I don't have patience for them to learn. It may take years! This is more often then not a deeply rooted habit that stems from childhood trauma... I'm not waiting around for someone to learn how to treat me
@@summernight7587 emotional validation is important, but the only reason I commented was because I resonated with your comment. I didn’t have the skill but I learn fast and I’m willing to learn. Also my girlfriend at the time has borderline personality disorder so I felt like a complete bad person even though I know I am not. For people with BPD emotional validation is even more important because their stressors are many and takes them down roads that trigger more stressors unrelated to the original one. It can be difficult navigating how to phrase a sentence, because you’re trying to describe to them a behavior they don’t even know they’re doing all because, they didn’t feel understood, because their beliefs are not rooted in reality sometimes. I know it’s totally unrelated but it was devastating not having this skill even though I’m an extremely emphatic person. I’m sorry you feel that way that you think it might take years for the other person to learn, but also becoming mindful of your own stressors, may help you have successful relationships with a partner that is willing to grow with you.
@@RAMRA10 Okay understand now that you explained in depth! I hope you and your girlfriend continue to make progress and grow in your Bond for one another... Thanks for sharing your experience with me 😊
So weird, but dang it really is true. I’ve known this for a while and still keep slipping up a lot😂. It’s just soooo aggravating sometimes bc when it’s the same problem day after day it’s like….. uggggghhhh! Lol…. It’s like walking across the yard every day and stepping in a hole twisting your ankle…. “ Oh that must have hurt”. Next day, walk across yard, step in the hole. “Oh, that must’ve hurt”. Next day rinse and repeat….. I’m thinking. WALK AROUND THE HOLE. YOU KNOW IT’S THERE. Smh…… as a man I understand women are different, but when it’s the same dang problem arising multiple times I can’t help but get frustrated!
Yes! Thanks for sharing this experience with us!
If you validate well... it will be become easier.
However, try this perspective on.
Imagine a wife says something similar.
It's just sssooo aggravating sometimes when it's the same request for sex, day after day, it's like uuughhhh. That's how some women see it. "Not again"...but they often do it, because they understand the value to their partner...and they're trying to connect (although validation is the core of connection for most women...so if you have that, they're usually much happier about sex).
Validation is often to a woman...like an orgasm is to a man.
It is a head to toe, deep resonant, exhale. That's why it's worth considering.
I wouldn't say that I don't want my problems fixed (I'd love for all my problems to be resolved), but, but I also want my stress, worries, and the toll that my problems have on me to be acknowledged.
🙏🏼
I'd also be ok with him asking ME, what I plan to do about it. Men have a morbid fear of no one taking any action, just sitting around and crying about it, ( which is ok too), but it makes everyone feel fulfilled - at the right time - when there's also action talk. After the validation. But let HER tell you what she might do about it. Or maybe she wants to think about it later. This was a good video, easy for a man to utilize, thanks.
You're welcome!
I think it's great that people are hearing this message of helping someone feel validated. Sounded a little funny to me how you said that women don't want their problems to be fixed. For me, it's just the "fixes" that someone can offer can be not realistic ones or don't come from a place of understanding. If I could fix the problem I would have. Hearing fixes you know won't really work is just frustrating. That's why listening is important, because you understand enough to help offer your input to guide the person to the best solution for them. But of course, sometimes we humans do need someone to just tell us we're not crazy after someone else invalidates us. Maybe some people have a plan already in their heads and just need the validation that they're right as fuel to carry out that plan and stand up for themselves, because they try to be good people and otherwise don't want to hurt others.
lol. thanks
Yes!!! It’s driven me crazy having someone try to “fix” as if I’m incompetent or incapable. If I saw it could be “fixed” i would’ve.
Being heard is a processing realm, and nervous system calming. Having someone try to “fix”, when I need validation (active listening and resounding), is activating to my nervous system and I feel more stressed than when I reached out for validation!
In what sense can meaning fully speak of a person or feeling as being 'not valid'?
Man this was such a, validating video! Seriously. I was starting to feel crazy for getting upset my husband kept telling how to fix myself. And he never just listened to me.but i was starting to feel like ur was me, and just stopped talking to him because he mostly tells me it my fault, and i need to fix myself. It really hurts when he says that to me. I've tried to explain to him a few different times and a few different ways, how that hurts me and he just doesn't get it
Thank you!
Good video. Validation is a really important underpinning issue in building trust and respect in any relationship.
I think quite a lot of men still view listening to their loved ones problems as a girl thing. Something you have to do with your girlfriends and not them.
So it can really be an alien world for them at first.
Get the feelings out first, big relief. Some stuations cannot be fixed straight away. So don't jump the gun guys. Be patient.
Prick up your. ears and really listen.!
All the best
X
thanks for sharing your thoughts with us 🙏🏼
In what meaningful sense could the thing being :validated' NOT be 'valid'?
This video is absolutely genius and eye opening, thank you so much. As a man this is great!!
Glad you enjoyed it!
Great guidance @JaysonGadis. How do you apply these techniques when your wife is upset and expressing anger at/about you? It seems easy to empathize with her feelings when she’s upset about other people.
stay curious. watch your defensiveness.
Learn to not take things personally. An angry wife feels hurt, threatened, insecure, fearful...anger is less vulnerable to express and that’s what comes out.
Validate the emotion!!!! Say “I can see you are really angry/upset...I love you and want to hear what you are saying” and then you say “tell me more”...until she is done talking, unless you can validate (or repeat back to her) what the heart of it is. This will be 10x’s more calming or effective, than any defensive words, or judging her perspective.
If you defend in that moment, or tear apart what she’s feeling..,that’s essentially saying “you’re wrong”. No one feels safe, heard, known, when they are told they’re wrong. It’s close to gaslighting, like telling them their perspective is off.
You don’t have to agree to validate. You are not colluding with them in some attack on your ego, if you validate.
Even if they are upset at you, you need to remember that you aren’t enemies...but partners. This can be hard, but it helps with your big picture goals, of connection and enhanced harmony.
After your wife has been heard & is calmer (maybe even another time) you have every right to express how you feel, how you perceived her anger.
Too many times, men miss the boat trying to put out a perceived attack, when it’s really the wife’s cry of pain.
The more emotionally safe a woman feels, the less likely angry outbursts occur. If a history of dismissiveness exists, some women (based on the trigger of stored history) will escalate quicker when this has been an ongoing pattern.
Validation is diffusion, connection and love, to most women.
Thank you for this. Was very well put together . The way you directed the examples were perfect example!
Glad you enjoyed it!
When I am discussing feelings with my significant other I have expressed that I feel not understood and often no validated which leads me to feel disconnected with my partner. How do you go about applying these techniques to a discussion about feelings or a more intimate emotional situation?
Start by showing them this video 🤷🏽♂️
🎉🎉🎉keep up The awesome work !!!, wonderful example & explanation!! That was along the way !! 👏👏👏❤
Good stuff. Very helpful.
Glad to hear it!
Thank you so much for this video! Exactly the help I was looking for.
You're welcome and glad it helps!
An excellent video. Thank you so much for making this. It has been a big help not only with my wife and daughter but with other women as well. Thanks again.
Peace.
awesome! you're so welcome
Thank you for this video. It was actually used in my schooling to help expectant mothers feel validated 😁
for sure. I think this newer one is better. Check it out! ruclips.net/video/yh39_LT7d7w/видео.htmlsi=y-pbM079Ur5sfzIL
Thank you so much for this. I've struggled in all my relationships with this dynamic.
You're so welcome!
Jayson, really great video! I'm realizing that I have that desire to fix everything and that's not what's important to my wife. I'm trying to learn to be better at validation but I'm finding it challenging to quickly create validating responses on the fly. I learn best when I can think through many different situations beforehand like playing out the scenario in my head. That way I can be prepared when something similar arises. Do you know of a resource that actually goes through many different examples and provides a good way to respond? If not, you should totally make a video on that. The two examples you gave were great. More would be awesome!
Thanks for your feedback!
The Personal Development School has fantastic communication scripts, and other courses that can help.
My ex (who used to be extremely invalidating) and I both took the course, because we coparent and the communication was still terrible.
He has gotten better at communication and so have I. It makes me far less apprehensive to deal with him, or state any needs or boundaries. Before, the invalidation, dismissal, judging my needs, or trying to “fix” things, were killers to any kind of resolutions.
THIS IS WONDERFUL & great for friendship s too!! 😃👏👏
Have you put cameras in my house and car and been capturing every conversation i've ever had with my wife to script that first reenactment exapmle?! Goodness I have been so wrong. I can see myself accurately and its not good. Lord help me change.
:) keep practicing!
I certainly hope, when listening to your wife, that you will be allowed to ask as many clarifying questions as necessary to help you understand what she means
Good luck.
I wish I watched this video a month ago... fuck. Thank you for explaining what I did wrong sir, this video deserves more views.
Thank you!
- what happened?
- it sounds…
- so you feel…
- that makes sense
- yeah
- I get it
yes!
I totally get this and agree with it. But what if “The Problem” she is always upset about is me? When she goes on for 45 minutes or longer about all my faults. What is a constructive and loving way to have that conversation and de-escalate without appearing defense? Is the only way to agree / validate the long list? Basically say, “Yes you are right, I’m awful. Nobody on the internet seems to address this vicious cycle.
good point
Omg... i would have been drained... but I will work on this definitely
Amazing!
Thank you a lot man
I needed this
you're welcome
Thank you Jason!
You're welcome!
Beyond learning the techniques/basic listening skills, maybe also consider privately at a deeper level that to extend yourself (out of selfishness) to do this is an act of love....and you say you “love” your wife or husband right ?
Love, at it’s core, is an action, not a romantic feeling.
Extend and practice this active empathetic listening to your children and others.
It’s a pre-advice, pre-fixing stance that will pay dividends over time.
Well said
Yep. I’ve heard it described as “listening IS loving”.
I can tell you, 100%, as a woman, feeling heard/seen/known/accepted (empathy, validation, listening, all are parts of this), it means more than any material gift, any physical affection attempts, etc.
To me, it demonstrates the core of what I desire.
Because most humans can’t give this, it’s very rare.
After my last relationship, I’m pretty done.
I do try to demonstrate this to my children though.
That's well and good for external issues. But what if it's an internal problem that does need to be resolved?
still validate. always. helps the other person relax and be open to what you’re sharing
I try to remember to ask HER what she thinks she will do next, and only offer suggestions is she asks for them. Most of the time, it seems that people just need to vent to a safe person.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us
U hit it by the nail thank you
sure
It seems to be that there is at times an expectations mismatch, wherein one person wants literally to voice complaint, and expects another to serve as a note or less passive sounding board.
Tbe expectation sometimes includes an expectation on the complainers part that they have the *right " of expectation of a particular listener to provide this more or less passive service.
There can be hidden disagreement in expectations of what is required of the listener.
What's more, there can be hidd n disagreement on what the complainer *ought properly" to expect from the listener.
The expectation that one's spouse (as opposed to ones friends) ought to play the role of such a listener is widely held, but of questionable warrant.
often the case
Good stuff
Much needed
Thanks
Thanks!
That first video is literally me lol
:)
This relates to Gaslighting, which I think women feel quite often (due to society being constructed around male forms of interaction and thinking). This will continue until society catches up and gives more weight/authority to more emotional forms of reasoning and community, such as empathy and equality.
Please be a little more specific in how this relates to 'gaslighting'. I find this to be a very intriguing comment. M
@Colonoscopy Cat This speaks to my fondness for self-destruction.
How I wish I could turn back time 😭 as a husband, we're their emotional refuge. a walking diary.
Ouch, i know what u mean, i'm sorry :(
I understand the verb 'to validate" to mean either (i) to make something that was not valid to become valid, or (ii) to declare something of uncertain validity to be valid.
Are you using the verb 'to validate" in this sense or another?
I ask because it seems that this meaning of the verb does not quite fit how it is often used in councilling, and that perhaps it is used as a term of art that I do t understand.
In particular, I find it used to refer to feelings *as if* it makes sense at all to common nquirw you into whether a feeling is valid or not -- for I don't know in what meaningful sense we can correctly speak of a feeling :lacking validity'.
I am slow man. Please help.
ha ha. sure. validation has NOTHING to do with right or wrong. it means everyone's feelings and experience about how they see the world is valid.
@@JaysonGaddis WHat do you mean by 'is valid'?
What do we do after you have listened to their story and you have put your self in their shoes but now their looking for a response? Or how do you know they want your advice on this? I tend to do the problem solving thing but I’m wondering how do you listen and then resolve or make them feel better about the situation? Thanks!
if you've done well at listening, they will feel understood. most people don't need their problem to be solved by you. they just want to be heard.
Verbalize what you think they’re saying and feeling...and if they say “yes” that you understood, then move on to “is there anything I can do to help?” “Do you need anything more from me?”
If they don’t feel understood, keep listening, or say “tell me more” until you’ve been able to get verbal feedback that you have understood them.
Mostly, women want their partner to “bear witness” and “hold space” for their experience. That feels so, so good.
If there is an emotional equivalent to orgasm, being heard and validated is it.
Many women I know, would take validation and the feeling of safety, over sex any day. It’s that powerful.
Interestingly, if she feels validated, she’s more likely to want to connect physically.
Drawing out the feelings is like getting the medical chart filled out. A doctor needs info before treating the disease. Being hasty in treatment just make things worse.
:/
That said:
If you are complaining about headaches and snagged sweaters, and there is a nail in your forehead, diagnosis of the root proximate cause should take an instant.
And what's really stupid is, that i'm not any smarter than my wife. She's a brilliant person who is very capable of critical thinking and she's a very good problem solver. Why would even think that I even COULD just swoop in and fix a problem upon hearing about it for 2 seconds?
lol. right on
Love your reply!!!
Make sure you verbalize that to your wife!
If a man verbalized that to me, I’d be so thrilled and adoring!
it depends on the situations n.
In the case of a nail in the forehead, for example, you mightlack the medical expertise to safely extract it yourself.
But you can identify the problem instantly.
Don't be gaslit into thinking Yiu can't, or that you are evil for doing so.
Funny... im the wife and i feel i do this to my husband. He also does that to me. Were the worst haha
:)
How to respond in text when she says that she is ugly and idk what to say cuz before I used to say that she isn't ugly she is pretty and that doesn't works
I will listen and understand her but what m I gonna respond after she says she is ugly?
maybe she wants you to tell her she's beautiful all the time, that usually happens, also, she needs to work on her selfsteem, self-love, because she should not say that about herself.
Seeing this video as a women, very surprised some have to learn this mindset.
Thanks
So why is the advice always directed to men? Why aren’t we saying “men want to fix problems while women want to complain and stew on them.” The male approach - analyze a problem, develop a strategy and fix it - is obviously superior. Women should do that.
@summernight7587
I certainly hope, when listening to your spouse, that you will be allowed to ask as many clarifying questions as necessary to help you understand what they means l.
*And vice versa*
Good luck. Many hate it.
Thanks man 💪👍
The communication "styles" between men and women are so different, I immediately perceived the second tactic as incredibly condescending. If one of my friends was responding to me like that I would think they were making fun of me. Why do women want to be spoken to like mental patients?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us
@summernight7587
I certainly hope, when listening to your spouse, that you will be allowed to ask as many clarifying questions as necessary to help you understand what they means l.
*And vice versa*
Good luck.
Struggling to not hop on over explaining or defend, especially when my partners issues are anxious feelings about me and the relationship... helppp :( I want him to feel valid and heard but I don't want to put myself down or even entertain some of the accusations he's saying
very insightful
Great video
Dude, you know your stuff. And you two are great actors. Now, where is the video explaining to women how to be receptive to guys' way of wanting to deal with women's complaining? How To Be Receptive To Your Man's Drive To Fix It
ohhhh. awesome suggestion! thank you.
So...how to change what women want and how they feel loved?
That’s like suggesting coming up with a video telling men to be receptive to constant physical intimacy refusal.
Why suggest someone get “used to” something that doesn’t meet their needs.
That’s narcissist and ignorant to suggest wives just bend to what mostly works for a man.
Maybe you could visit Dr Gottman‘ site.
He’s done relationship research for over 40 years. His biggest predictor of divorce is if a MAN doesn’t allow himself to be influenced by his wife.
Women naturally take their partners into consideration, value their needs, more than most men. Men don’t even see this, it’s just taken for granted. Women feel it, and it effects the relationship profoundly.
If you don’t want to take feedback that will help your wife feel emotionally safe, seen, heard, accepted, then don’t be in relationship!
Just like someone who complains why do they have to go to school for a certain degree...if they won’t work towards it, learn the skills, they shouldn’t get the job.
Same with relationships. It’s ALL about RELATING!
@@Alphacentauri819 Interesting. I made the comment you are responding to "four years ago". I'll do my best to try to remember the context of it all and my frame of mind. Here's what I believe I was trying to say: So much relationship advice out there is about "fixing" what comes natural to men -- about getting men to bend to women's needs, which are the 'correct' needs to have. I'm just suggesting that it be fair and balanced -- that women should be advised just as much on how to understand and bend towards the needs and nature of men. It shouldn't be one-sided. As in the example scenario in the video, men shouldn't be treated as though their nature to fix things is wrong, just that women are looking for validation instead of a solution, oftentimes. Women should be encouraged to understand that men's nature to fix it isn't wrong; it's just their nature. I'm just advocating for meeting in the middle: that women are taught to understand and bend towards men, just as much as men are taught to understand and bend towards women, and that neither sex's typical natural traits are "wrong". Neither sex is composed of mindless automatons that are incapable of learning and adapting to the opposite sex. Let's not insult either sex by treating them as though they are (helpless, stupid, or can't control themselves, in a way that's up to the other sex to provide all the proper "inputs" to make the "automaton" happy; neither sex is an automaton).
@@Pulseczar1 I hear you and appreciate your response.
I do think that in relationship we are called to be greater than how we would be if single.
It’s interesting that you see that this video is showing a man’s tendency to “fix things” as wrong. I don’t see it that way. I see a man’s tendency to “fix” things as very, very useful...in the right circumstances! “Fixing” just isn’t the tool to use here!
If a woman, who has great communication skills, chooses to use her “communication” skills, to have a deep conversation, while the couple is being physically intimate, it might not be very helpful timing.
Same with a man trying to “fix” something that doesn’t need fixing.
“Fixing” isn’t wrong. The timing, context, might call for a different skill.
Now, on to the other point.
Women are told from very early on, directly and indirectly, that our value is in how we please a man. Visually and otherwise. We get this message on repeat. What to do, how to change, how to appeal to, how to be...what a man wants.
There are articles and ads and on and on, on every little thing we should modify, consider, to be “desirable”.
The message we chronically get, is that how we naturally are, is defective. That to be “ok”, we need to change most of who we are, put our true needs on the back burner and that we need to consider first and foremost what guys want.
After decades of that message...I have to admit, it’s refreshing to see a man care about connecting with a woman in a way that means something to her.
After bending over backwards in relationships to give men what they want, especially my ex....I’m so grateful to see this.
I’d bend and try to be what I thought he wanted, not asking for much...but when I finally asked for some needs to be met, they were often dismissed and I was often not considered in choices. I always considered what he wanted, how he might be affected.
He now admits he was selfish & that i was way more attuned to his needs. He admits he didn’t see the importance of some of my needs. That’s super toxic to discount a partners needs, just because they’re different. At least a conversation, and trying to understand (validation) can go a LONG ways.
I’m finally figuring out who I am, without scrutinizing myself through a male lens. I feel free to be myself. It feels bad to adapt and change that much, it’s what society drills in our head...so much, that maybe you’re blind to all the messages to women. It’s expected that we’ll change and learn “20 new ways to please a man”, on the cover of the latest magazine. Some of those same magazines would even say “learn to accept yourself” in the same dissonance creating page!!!
It’s like “become something else, for someone else, you’re not acceptable as you are”...then whiplash “you’re fine just as you are”. Confusing as all hell.
I think that men’s nature to “fix” things is a great trait...as long as it’s not being used on me, when I just want a listening ear. I’m not to be “fixed”. That’s insulting, like I’m defective or an item.
Maybe it’s hard to set aside that particular dominant skill, to listen in a way that works for a woman...but listening=love, to many women. Being loved like that is the ultimate.
Thanks for your views. Hopefully some of mine shed some light on the other side.
thank you!
I wish I knew this before.
I really should show this to my husband because we literally just got into it and validating my emotions or feelings didn’t even cross his mind.
Thank you 🙏🏼
what if I try to be present and respond but he doesn't want me to interrupt...how can engage with him and make him feel like I'm present?
you have to be a team. get an agreement in place that it’s okay to interrupt if the intention is to deeply understand the other person
@@JaysonGaddis I feel like there are times where there's a cue to listen and understand but then other times, I can't tell if it is or isn't.
thank you
Would be helpful if you would use BLACK LETTERING so we could read your awesome comments! Thank'X. M.
Very helpful
Glad to hear that
Should we validate every single little thing our partner feels especially when they are being neurotic
ouch :/
Maybe you could get the book "I Hear You' by Michael Sorensen. It is one of the bear resources on validation out there.
Then again...maybe you're just a narcissist?
Your statement sounds like you might be, with that level of dismissal and lack of empathy.
Maybe be kind and let her go...let her be with someone who thinks she's worthy and matters.
A partner like you could drive a "normal" person to be neurotic...so, maybe take yourself out of the equation and she'll do better.
what about the I don't feel like having sex, I'm out of shape I have too much to do, yet she is on f b for hours nd has time for everyone and everything else, even though when you take it and give her sex she enjoys it?
So i'm not the only one who experiences that?
all opportunities to work things out in a good way together
ha ha. what are you doing about it?
Mostly just a couple of Coronas to set the mood.
This is very interesting. However, I am German and if I translate this conversation into German it just doesn't have the same effect. Confirming someone's feelings that they've just told you makes them feel like you are making fun of them. "This must be frustrating." Yes Sherlock. But maybe it is just cyincal me.
Where is the video on validating your husband?
+Some Curiosities Same principle. just reverse the gender
+Jayson Gaddis I am sorry. What do you mean my reversing the principle? Did your video not heavily imply that there is a separate way to validate men's feelings [throughout the video, for instance at 05:04 ]? I do not understand what you mean. How does a woman validate a man's feelings?
Some Curiosities great point Jayson. Typically men don't "need validation" the same way women do. Men don't express themselves the way women do. Since more women seek counseling more videos will be catered towards women's needs.
Just flip it...I do it all the time. This is a great technique. Whatever he's going thru just listen, be supportive and say u understand how he feels. If he's wrong about something listen anyway and provide a non-judgemental but honest reponce about how he could have handled it differently but don't tear him down. If he's totally in the wrong tell him that too but keep it short. He will pick up on it.
Yeah, like men are aggressive and need and like a totally different response. Like cursing, or yeah let's go do t his or that.
Jayson, I've blown it big time, I was set boundaries on not to go on pornsite and make comments and I got caught again. Not because I don't love my wife but I had a addiction that I couldn't identify until now. I've never cheated on her with another woman, never even got another woman's number but this to her was just as bad. She hasn't left me but she wants space and is sleeping on the couch. She is very tuff cookie and sticks to her guns. How can I get her to just listen and understand that I was sick and I never meant to hurt her or gain anything but a dopamine fix from these acts.
Hire one of our coaches myrelationshipcoach.net
Your focus on just getting her to listen and understand...is not going to work. You need to listen to her, and deeply show you understand. No excuses, no justification, no defending. You need to hear her hurt, her sense of betrayal, and the deep, painful invalidation it is to a woman...to have a partner looking at porn. Imagine the way that someone could make you feel the worst about yourself, tear out your soul, make you feel incredibly unsafe and unloved...that is what porn in a relationship does.
While porn (and drugs, and food, and more) are used for dopamine....what lies beneath is pain. Those things use the dopamine as an anesthetic for that pain. A core wound associated with such things is shame. Of shame is one of your core wounds, you need to heal that. Empathy cannot exist where shame has taken hold. Without empathy, we can't validate others.
Tearing off the veils of shame, bringing all that is dark to light (with self compassion) is needed to dispel the shame. Look up how to heal the core wound of shame. That'll help address some of the root issues, that likely started in childhood.
Without healing that shame...you cannot relate to others.
Interestingly porn is a self invalidation..despite what one might feel at the time....it warps all you were meant to be, as well as fellow humans. It invalidates sexuality as an expression of connection, and makes it an act of isolation.
I hope you can heal, and heal the wounds that drove it, heal your relationship to yourself, heal your relationship to your wife.
@@JaysonGaddis o thank you so much 🙄
@@Alphacentauri819 that is great advise. Thank you so much! I totally agree that I need to fix and heal, starting with putting in the work on myself.
What if you disagree with her perspective or how she is feeling?
you’re not listening. good listening isn’t about being right or wrong. listen until this person feels understood
@@JaysonGaddis Maybe I should have been more clear in my other comment. My wife is much more reactive and emotional, and I have a difficult time taking action or supporting what she thinks she needs after I listen. We see life differently enough that what she wants me to do because of her feeling is difficult for me to sustain. What can I do in this situation? Thanks!
@@stevenscott8402 the book "I Hear You' by Michael Sorensen, is one of the best resources for validation I've heard/read (I got both the audio and physical copies). Incredible. I'm super impressed a man wrote this too. Amazing.
Does this method work with a flat tire on her car? ;)
ha ha. good one
yes it works
Basically you have to say to her what she wants to hear even if its total nonsense
@summernight7587
I certainly hope, when listening to your spouse, that you will be allowed to ask as many clarifying questions as necessary to help you understand what they means l.
*And vice versa*
Good luck.
What if I was saying the correct things and truly was there listening and validating, but she would always say you don't get it then blow up. 🤷♂️.
:/
Hahaha the wrong stuff. I came here to learn how to validate my partner's, a man, feelings. But I laughed because he does all the wrong things from the beginning word for word. Lol. Ugh. All I can do is control myself and learn to validate him. Hopefully it will run off on him and he will learn how to give it back. He mirrors me and my words a lot so...
I hear you!
@@JaysonGaddis Just an update...ever since I've been doing these things for him with a sincere and loving heart he has been changing! 🙏🏻☺️
I'm sure I will get angry responses for this comment, but here goes. How/why do women know the problem, and the problem with communicating with their partner. Yet He has to adapt to her, instead of her realizing she is asking a doer to listen. Let him fix the problem then let him listen to how bad the experience was for her. He would likely show empathy knowing the problem has been resolved.
Sounds like you're not ready for a relationship, you're totally missing the point.
How do women know what works for them? Is that what you're asking? Really?
Ironically, that there is invalidating!! That says "I don't trust, believe, women to know themselves enough to know what they want...but ME in my god-complex arrogance can figure out (and fix) this problem)!
Seriously?
Often THE PROBLEM TO "FIX" is the LISTENING. That's it! That's what you need to DO.
You can't fix a problem that doesn't need "fixing" in the limited way you define fixing.
Often the "fixing" by the man, makes the emotional state of the women escalate...so how, in all sanity sake, is that helping??
It's arrogant to think your "fixing" is the solution. There are many ways of seeing, being in the world. Most of them aren't black/white. We are here to learn...from someone different.
Sometimes we need to learn to be counterintuitive. Sometimes we need to set aside the need to "fix", be right, be in charge. Instead, be present, flexible, listen.
Often the most difficult situations provide us with the exact opportunity that we need for our greater growth.
This is a great instruction for men on how NOT to be a "fixer" and how to display empathy because woman don't want you to "fix" the problem. Now do a video that instructs woman on how to identify an issue, to seek a range of solutions, choose the most appropriate solution to the problem and then how to apply the solution which will inturn negate the negative feelings the problem is causing them.
thx for the suggestion
Please don't "instruct" me. Stop making this about men and women. I find this comment to be sexist. This is told as general advice for good listening in other places. There are women who go to fix or dismiss as their default. If someone doesn't want you to fix their problem, stay out of their business. It's probably because your solutions don't work and are too hastily offered. Maybe they know what is best for them but JUST want you to listen and help validate what someone else is saying about them isn't true.
Maybe you could take some psychology and neuroscience...and more in depth biology.
Since you're asking a woman to be a man...do you just want to be with another man?
Or...can you understand that there are profound physical (external) differences, and profound internal differences. You want the benefit of one, but complain about the other (because it isn't just like you??).
Our biggest teachers are those who are different, think differently...
To want someone to see the world exactly as you, and operate in it the same way...to suggest that is superior...is only ego posturing. It is myopic and self protective...bordering on narcissism. It is NOT the route to connection.
-someone who has studied psychology for decades, worked in medicine for over a decade (thousands of patients MEN and WOMEN), and am now pursuing a PhD in neuroscience.
Your "suggestions" are so misinformed. On what basis of expertise did you come to your conclusions?
Dunning-Kruger?
Nice
❤
Equality
🙏🏼
Second one feels so fake. What if they are wrong? You don't say that? You just say I understand how you feel, call it validation and move on??
it’s not about right or wrong. validate their experience. everyone’s experience is 100% valid
I totally agree! It felt so fake. The interrupting and assuming vs asking if she’s upset.
Think he totally missed your point!
I got it though.
He didn’t even make sure his assessment and “understanding” was accurate. Just said it and moved on.
If this kind of “validation” happened to me, it would feel almost as bad as “fixing” 😬
There are much better suggestions in the book 'I Hear You' by Michael Sorensen.
He has great suggestions for being more authentic overall...and in delivery too!
You stayed with her but didnt enrich the exchange much. Way better than the first attempt though.
"Men want to fix the issue immediately and women don't care about that, they want to be heard, validated, and seen". Yes, two different perspectives. Let's present an analogy. A woman is screaming, the house is on fire and she is about to burn to death. The man rushes in to drag her out and save her. The woman doesn't want this as she's not interested in being saved, she wants her hurt, her feelings, to be validated, and the man is obviously not listening to her. The solution we're constantly presented with is for the man to stop and listen to the woman talk about how the problem is affecting her and how she hasn't done much to actually address the problem that's making her feel this way. Men are being trained to suppress their OWN instincts so that the woman is able to vent (to that same man) about a problem that can usually be solved in a straightforward and practical manner; not always, but usually. In doing so, the woman is causing the man immense distress, because 1) he sees the solution, 2) she's not acknowledging the solution, and 3) his time is being wasted with the impractical and irrational behavior of talking about the effects of a problem instead of actually solving it, time that *to a man* feels as if they're being waterboarded. Seriously, it really sucks to have someone griping about the pain of a nail in their head when they could just pull out that nail, and it's torture. Women talk about how NO is NO otherwise it's rape, well to a man this is a firm NO and you're raping a man's ears when this happens. Why the solution is for the man to adapt to a woman's style of communication rather than a more practical alternative that prioritizes the solution to the problem and also gives the woman some of what she feels she needs is a mystery to me. Sounds to me that BOTH man and woman need training, with a little more emphasis on a woman being more practical and rational rather than completely give in to emotion.
My question to you is how are your relationships with women? if your approach works, great. if not, learn a better way.
@@JaysonGaddis imagine telling a woman on the receiving end of domestic violence that she should learn a better way.
@@Dimitris_Half that you have to ask shows exactly why nobody respects or takes you seriously.
@@anthonyortiz7924 not even close to the same thing.
Just say.
"I'm arrogant, inflexible, and think my way is right. I struggle with myopic thinking, cognitive distortions, biases, and can't see values in others. I tend to correlate things that aren't connected. I use useless analogies that only further show how obtusely blind I am to other humans. I can't admit my own ignorance, so I posture with my ego and arrogance. The world would be so much better if it existed of only clones of myself"
@@Alphacentauri819 you can’t see myopic thinking in others when you’re mired in your own. Everything you said can be applied to you, but you’d rather apply it to others. Take your own advice so you can see the issues on *both* sides.
Better the second time. You might time your acknowledgments to her pauses because you were still talking over her some.
yup. and I interupt if I need to so that I can pay attention.
Nah I'ma have to stop u right there. I do believe can just straight tell dude if they wanna rant. Cause it's very problematic to present a problem to someone and then they can't fix it so they're just sitting there listening to a problem they can't fix. So my thing with that is just say "hey I wanna rant about something" I promise you dude will listen. But men are designed to fix things. So if you come at us straight up with problems........u don't think we coming at you with solution? So u gotta be clear of what the objective of the convo is. And if you notice the guy is doing something then say something. And don't give me the "women don't say thing" well hey.......it's called ask and you shall receive.
Thanks for your feedback
Unfortunately women mostly learned to converse with mostly other females...and we do this naturally. We know how to validate, listen, commiserate. So, we don’t even know to tell guys “hey I need to rant”...it just doesn’t occur to us at first.
It’s like a guy playing golf with his buddies and then after decades...he brings a gal who has never golfed & all she knows is that the ball goes in the hole. Knows no rules, but instead assumes that if you can “solve the problem” & she can “fix” things, she just goes and grabs the golfball and runs and puts it in the hole!! Naaahhh! She just missed the whole point.
She tried to “fix” something that didn’t need fixing, because she misses the big picture of golf!
That’s how guys come across. They ruin something that is a process. Women are PROCESSING, externally, and just want someone to hang with them, as they process!
That’s key.
Easiest way to validate your spouse? Don't have one to begin with.
Your mental stability and financial situation will thank you more than you'll ever think.
Many women agree!
More women than ever are leaving their male partners, for other women. Many are finding the emotional connection they always wanted...as well as (and this is way secondary importance) usually better physical intimacy.
Super interesting. Plus, that helps stop the complaining men that women are after their money!!! Nope, some women have gone for money due to their real wishes being unavailable...emotional connection.
Win-win, for both parties!!
There is also the other side. Solving problems is in a man's nature. A man shows he cares by trying to solve problems. Putting a lot of energy in discussing feelings about problems is s waste of time and energy for a man. Why do this when the problem can be solved, and there is no need for all these endless feelings anymore? Because let's be honest, a lot of women can go on endlessly about their negative feelings about real or imaginary problems. For women this might be a pleasant form of sharing, but for a guy this is just annoying. After the problem has been solved we can talk about how terrible the problem was and what a relief it was that it has been solved. It would be nice if women could see the good side of the problem solving attitude of men.
If you got a flat tire, do you want somebody who talks about how that makes you feel or somebody who replaced the tire so you can quickly go back on route?
valid points. and you’re limiting yourself to your conditioning. it’s also okay to expand beyond your story about what you can and can’t do
@@JaysonGaddis Differences between men and women are both nature and nurture, and often culture, so it is not just "conditioning".
I get that sometimes your partner needs to vent, and that bringing up solutions can feel like a way to shut you up.
My problem is this many women refuse to see the good intention behind the trying to bring up solutions. If a guy comes up with solutions most of the time he really wants to help. This may not be what the woman needs at that moment, but he means well. Yet the guy is often painted as a monster for not always getting this. Women should make the step to acknowledge the good intention, while clearly communicating what they need, instead of playing the insulted queen and giving once again the silent treatment.
The other way around there is also not so much patience especially when it is about more typical male feelings or interests.
There is also the tendency of women to make even minor practical problems into an emotional problem. If we drive in the car and have a flat tire I don' t want to hear about her feelings about that.. I want to get the car to a safe spot, and change the wheel. She can assist or should get at least get out of the way. After the problem is solved we can talk about feelings.