Nope. Thats why there's a shift w narcissist moms at what seems like a certain age w treatment of kids....when they can think for themselves and speak! At least in my case and others I've spoke with who have narcissist moms at least!
Yeah, my family is very religious and because of that everyone assumes that I had a great childhood. I was the scapegoat. My aunt was like "you should be so happy your mother was a Christian and you got love and affection when you were a child". I was the black sheep, I was never told I was loved. I was never hugged. I was never told anything good about myself. I was shunned, I was screamed at, my physically and mental problems (chornic insomnia, epilepsy, adhd, were never believed and my parents said I was trying to be difficult. Yeah, so much love. But I am an atheist that tells her children they are loved and accepted for who they are, constantly.
This was what caught me, and why I moved in with them. Now I watch visitors get the same happy family performance while I am required to stay out of sight in my room. Apparently I don't want to join in! That is what visitors are told. I would not have believed this if it had not happened to me. I leave tomorrow.
Mine told me this too. In the end my thinking was soo messed up I had to train my mind again. I was almost 50yrs. In a Covert/ Narcissist marriage abused on 5 Counts of Abuse. I now am seeing it in my own children. It scares me for their lives. I'm 74 next week and they don't treat me the same. They are being influenced by their Narc Father. I know he subtly makes cool calculated remarks devaluing me to them. They have taken his bait. They think they are so CLEVER too. They will Never get out of the Narcissistic web. Unless they Awaken to the signs and deal with it NOW!
I totally agree! I have experienced this. If you do not play along with the narcissist family dynamic, you will be ousted and treated like a black sheep because you refuse to be controlled. You’re right, it is truly like a cult and I don’t want any part of it.
Most definitely. I've came to the realization that my mother in law is the queen bee and that caused all her children to be narsiscist. And they love isolating they spouces. So it all starts with they upbringing
ENTIRELY true. Especially in the so-called very religious and conservative families. Those turn from families into cults. No family, only tension and fear.
@@kristatraumavictorsame...most of my family were athiests and scapegoated anyone who was lgbt, had no father, or lived lower income than them 😢 Some narcs aren't religious so they'll use the love of money to hurt people or ruin their friendships/relationships instead
This is so true. My biological father had no identity and was the most cruel, destructive person I have ever met and I am 75 years old. He destroyed my siblings and I on many levels and enjoyed it. It has taken me a lifetime with interventions by other caring people and therapy to regain much of what I lost. I left home at 19 and never looked back. I have been healing all of my life. No narcissist, psychopath or sociopath will ever be in my life.
I thought I was crazy when I first found out about this. To watch this video makes me feel better to know that I’m not crazy but worse to know that this is true.
As a black sheep , yes this is true , we are also the lighting rod for all the blame , frustrations , they can be upfront hobest with us but they tip toe around eachother and only smear eachother behind thier backs , all smiles and friendly upfront but behind eachother backs they are negative or more of a mix .
This is my situation-the smearing behind my back. I’ve accepted because they are too coward or afraid to say it in my face, but it still hurts. The covertness hurts and makes me angry. How do you respond to this w/ your fam?
My mother and her two sisters were the main hive mind in their family and I’m a firm believer that when they all go bye bye their kids will be able to think for themselves. My mom already went but I left home when I was 16 so this bumble bee is free from toxic family hive 😂
I think I am in one of them. I have gone no-contact. Patterns I recognized: 1) Irrational beliefs/decisions that they want force you into that don't have any good data and logic 2) Strange rudeness which they justify 3) Response types to disagreement a) Angry denial b) Ha Ha I was only joking c) Changing to an irrelevant issue
@@This_Planet I did not know this was a pattern. Here is a weird one: Context: Long ago my aunt had to move cousin A out of sharing bunk bed with Cousin B. Cousin A would just literally play wrestle with Cousine B all night and day. Fast forward a few decades. Cousin A still does that. You could be at a family gathering and Cousin A would stil grab Cousin B. Other Cousins would say "Cousin B, What are you doing ?????????. He'd say " I am only joking" He is a full on adult and can't figure it out.
Have extensive trauma from a huge narcissistic clan, because I divorced their brother. Scapegoated completely for the divorce, shamed by his mother - the majority, silent sympathizers don't help due to fear, blamed me for the divorce and brainwashed my son The clan mentality, you hurt 1 of us, you hurt all of us is ridiculous
completely agree . i was the truth teller then the scapegoat until i walked away . it was painful caused me to be emotionally shattered until i healed myself
I totally agree with you. I was with my ex for 41 years and his parents and sister talked him into divorcing me because of the inheritance. He went for the money where there is none. He threw our marriage away. He listened to his narcissistic mother who died and now he has nothing. I do not want him back at all. I endured a lot of abuse. I hope he and his family receive all the karma and abuse that I received from them.
Yeah, I lived through something that has the same ring to it. The sense of entitlement was just unbelievable. If I had not lived it myself I wouldn't have imagined it to be possible
They will use inheritance as a weapon. It’s best to take one’s mind off anything they claim is yours because the moment you offend them it’s off plus I think they hate making wills
@@This_Planet His dad told me that I wasn't in the will. Now I know why I wasn't in the will because there wasn't one. Him and his sister had to go through a very expensive probate do to no will by their parents. Both of his parents were narcissists.
Absolutely, yes I agree. My sister is the queen bee and I finally went no contact two years from her. Her narcissistic behavior also extended into her workplace. She proudly told me her co-workers call her "the queen bee". I asked her if she knows what the "B" stands for. She's so blinded by her own arrogance that she actually thinks it's a compliment!
I went no contact from my narc mither and brother and they both started smearing my name and telling people how bad I was etc. Those close to me they attacked too and claimed they had brain washed me since they thought they did nothing wrong and someone must be influencing me to move away from them. Its been a tough couple of years...in the end I lost alot of people. I had to break the ties they knew of, so they wouldn't attack or harm other people. I also had to break ties with flying monkeys, their friends who would often gaslight me saying it wasn't that bad and they care really.
My situation is nearly identical to yours and I had to snort at your closing remark. My older sister is a covert narcissist and takes the whole queen bee nonsense seriously & too far. She even had a faux throne at recent birthday party (which I didn’t attend). And, yes she probably thinks of herself as the queen bee in her office because several of her co-workers are amused by her obnoxious antics. However I do know that she’s also earned the title of office bully and has been called out many times over the years for her treatment of others in several workplace situations. She actually once said to me that people overuse the term bullying & it’s been given bad connotations. I tried my best to keep a straight face.
@@ha8236 You have my sympathy and understanding. I've been through exactly what you just described. Yep, exclusion, flying monkeys etc. Still glad to be away from my mother.
@@Dyane629 Poor co workers. They really never realize how offensive and out of order their behaviour is. Or they just don't care, as long as they "win".
Absolutely. I did not want to be in it Finally I realized I had to save my self and not listen to the big covert narc. Still I was abused until I broke contact with all of them.
Its the only way to survive. Break contact. They will eventually recruit a new scapegoat in the family since the narc needs one to regulate their own emotions.
I completely agree, Danish. But, this toxic system is not limited to families. The cult system is taught and starts in families, and then narissists and enablers take their toxic cult(ure) to work, their groups of friends, etc. That is why work environments are often toxic. People will say, with regard to the workplace, "We're a family here." Well, first, you don't go to work to have a family. Second, those people are just continuing the dysfunctional behaviors they learned in their family of origin in the workplace. This is why toxic people often immediately fit right in at work (or in circles of friends) from day 1. They understand, like and cooperate with the narcissistic hierarchy. And it's also why healthy people (outcasts, black sheep) will never jibe with the group or fit in, no matter how hard they try.
@@js-tw3vs Yes, I've experienced both. But weirdly I've often been promoted to being a manager when I'd rather do technical work, because I was NOT a bully and they did not want a bully in the role of manager!! So I just concentrated on the work and left others to get on with theirs unless their was a problem. I treated them like responsible adults.
This is a profound insight. I had identity issues as a child and again later in life where I felt I didn't exist except as a separate vessel for either my father's or older brother's personality.
I’ve struggled with identify as well. Hindsight my narc fam used my gifts & skills for their own agendas. Now I work to find what I want to use my gifts & skills for. I’m glad I’m healing ✊🏽
I made the same discovery recently. I moved in with such a family a year ago. I have been the scapegoat all of that time, which did take some of the pressure off the husband I think. I move out in a couple of weeks but am astonished how much damage has been done to my confidence in that time.
An excellent description! Although they can remain as independent organizations that may be unknown to each other, they all seem to operate with many of the same diabolical actions.
So true😭 coming out of such a system is so difficult. Tried thousands of times. But with the situation especially mental, had to come back. Got married far away to escape the cult only to find that i got married to almost a same family. Somehow we just find such people normal and get attracted to them. Or maybe they suck us in as fast as a tornado. Willing to take take and take with no repercussions.Such families destroy self esteem, finance, thinking power, they just break us. We don't even have proper boundaries or knowledge of what is actually normal and healthy. And somehow we are always seen as the bad ones by our family, relatives, society. Oh what would it feel to have the unconditional love of a mother, the protection of a father, the support of a sibling and the love and care of a husband. Maybe next life will get to feel it.
My adoptive "mom" is the covert sadistic narcissist from hell. I've been the black sheep/scapegoat since they brought me home at 9 days old. She's turned literally everyone against me. For reasons she completely made up.
I am Sorry to hear that 🙁 Hope you have little contact or NO contact with that narc? It's must be hard not having contact with our mothers but maybe in some cases it's the best to not let them take our energy 😖🤨 Stay strong 💪
Yes I have observed this too. And woe upon anyone who tries to break out and develop his or her own identity, because this person will quickly be discredited by and isolated from the narcissistic family as scapegoats.
Very very true one person controls all the other members and when a new member enters the family he or she is also emotionally tortured till the also are controlled the same way
Very true Danish,i was married to a narcissistic family and suffered for 13 yrs,they just took advantage of my life ,i was like a football in that family and i myself forgot my identity itself.They just took advantage of my character.
Yes! They decide what type of person you're going to be within the family, instead of getting to know you. They give you a background lesser role, and you're supposed to act passive and only admire and give them attention. Any display of your true personality will get rebuked by the narcs and the monkeys - you mustn't ever shine
Yes. I would always be in denial about my fam’s narc stuff because my character says that family is who can trust. I’ve allowed them to take advantage of my loyalty for so long. I’m healing s& taking my power back
The narcissist cult I grew up in ended badly. The various members splintered away when they could and have spent the rest of their lives trying to get themselves together. They still have a lot of problems. The cult from my first marriage is splintering now. Some of my adult children are very troubled. I truly wish them well. I was and am the black sheep from both cults. I have spent a lot of my life understanding what happened and why. It is so nice to be free and to understand I was not the root of the problem, just a cast member and enabler. At least I don’t think I was. They say if you can ask if you're a narcissist you are not. I have a wonderful second marriage and my younger children are happy. It doesn't feel narcisistic. If you are the black sheep getting hammered by the rest be glad. There is hope for you yet! :)
@@This_Planet So true. I spent years wondering what was wrong with me and why i was treated that way. The introspection and holding to my goal to be free and happy have paid off. Don't let them wear you down.
💯💯‼️‼️Such depravity I also refer to it as Invasion of the Body Snatchers. They go to sleep and wake up as shells of their previous selves, controlled by headquarters, aka the queen bee. It’s actually very frightening!
Yes! I was called many things specially a traitor by the head of the cult and they like to work behind your back putting all smiles in front of you. They can be very painful to deal with. Crazy as sh...
@@lasantajones9703 a healthy way? IDK, seeking professional advice can help! It depends on your goal & personality type I guess. Some situations required to stand up & speak up. Others required to plan & escape quietly and then others to remain in a little while but in all instances avoid them as much as possible and never loose focus of who you are, I'd say. You are precious & valuable under the eyes of God & that's the only thing it matters. Jesus helps!
This Is Absolutely Most Definately True In My Case & Devastatingly Heartbreaking & Soul Crushing Especially When It's Close Immediate Family ~ Even Worse Is When You're Stuck With Them Because You Have Nowhere Else To Go~ Only To Find Out ~The Main Narcissist Intentionally Designed It That Way To & For His Own Advantage & Agenda💔
God yes. I needed to have ligament surgery in my 30's and when my mother found out, she insisted on coming to my surgeon's appointment and talking about her toe infection surgery!!! Hated her since I was 14yrs old for some strange reason.
That is absolutely true. I disregarded the Queen Bee man, after I recognised him as a narcissist. Since that time I was casted out as rebel. His son and daughter had no separated identity. Spot on point.
It will always be like that until the end. They critique night and day and obsess on little trivial things and always care so much about how the house looks in the eyes of a guess and will compare their family and home to others and even do the things others do especially if it’s someone they revere. They seem to love their position more than their children and if you happen to be doing something they want they have to stand over you ever second and nag expecting the worst.
The Queen bee was my Ex Mother in law .... Happy to know that there are others who could really really understand what we went through ..Alhamdullilah..
100%!!!!! My ex's mother. Probably the most cold and calculating woman I have EVER MET. A line I will never forget " What I want to happen, happens and what I don't want happening also happens" 3 years of watching this woman totally screw with and control her whole family. So glad to be out because there is ABSOLUTELY NO room for another woman in his life while she is around. Gob smacked, literally left without words and in tears to many times. Beyond unhealthy
I agree. My ex narc. (Thanks to you they’re only an ex now), had his sister and mother also assisting and enabling their narcism but I thank God I found a family in you guys & am roughly 11 months going strong.
The secret that needs to be kept is the emotional,mental and even physical abuse and daily torment that the narcissist feels has a profound right to impose upon the children.
Yep, my mother was physically, mentally, emotionally, financially abusive and socially isolated me. Not a fun childhood. Plotted escape from 14 yrs old.
I absolutely agree. My brother(golden child) refuses to ever acknowledge anything wrong that my mom does. Whenever I call out her behavior, he says “give her a break, she’s trying her best, she’s a beautiful person, stop focusing on negative stuff and think of the positive within her etc”. But if I do so much as react to being treated horribly by her, he says “all you do is focus on the past, it only happens because you don’t set proper boundaries, stop blaming her for your actions etc”. He never acknowledges my trauma as the reason for why I do what I do, but always acknowledges her. If I do something inappropriate, I have to own up to it and be shamed for it. If she does something inappropriate, it’s only because she experienced trauma and she deserves grace. I swear I feel like I’m in the twilight zone sometimes. Everyone is always excusing her behavior. She never has to take responsibility or own up to what she does. I’m so tired of it. I’m moving out of the country next month. No one in my family has told me that they are happy for me. All they say is “I don’t think you should move to Bali, you need to stay here and buy a house and be close to your family. It’s wild but over time, I’ve realized that it’s not a good idea to share good news with my narc family. It’s always met with negativity and reasons for why I’m wrong. It’s horrible when it’s your own family that’s treating you the worse. I swear I get more love and support from strangers than I do my own family. I’m 100 percent disabled veteran with no partner or children. I can move to Bali and live like a kind with my amount of compensation. I don’t know how they do it, but some home they’re able to make it a negative thing or a bad choice. Seriously who wouldn’t want to live on a tropical island and not have to work
Yep! The mom had everyone of her children behaving just like her having each kid against one another. After my divorce My saw it more clearly once I got out of that relationship. After the mom died the chaos just got worse, they completely say, oh he’s acting like my mother, she’s acting just like my mother and I watch them all continuously acting like their mother. Lying, controlling, blaming everyone and everything else for their bad behaviors ABSOLUTELY NO ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THEIR OWN ACTIONS.
Everyone always forgets the invisible ones. 😢 we see what others do not & the narc doesn’t care because they make sure no one sees or hears us unless it serves their purposes for them to.
Once I left abusive relative in family the whole family turned on me and spread lies/smear campaign with them, they also enabled/ignored the abuse for years when I thought they didn’t realise or notice before. It was hard realising none of them actually cared and that they’d all team up against me. I guess it’s to save face and cover themselves but it still hurts.
Yes! Not only did I marry a narcissist, my mother is a covert narcissist. My oldest sister is the "golden child" she all the praise and all the privileges , my other sister was kinda not on the radar, she did what she told and and my parents didn't pay attention. I am the black sheep, but I am the lucky one! It was hella painful growing up but I am the only child my parents had who has a mind of their own. I didn't fall into their religious cult, I questioned what I was taught by them, I developed my own thoughts and feelings. I was free of the family cult when they decided to make me the scapegoat. It was the best they ever did for me. My oldest sister, now in her mid 50's still is the golden child, my other sister has major mental health issues but won't acknowledge and get help, but she does everything she to get my mom to pay attention her, by being just like my mom, and she's 53. It's so sad.
you are absolutely correct.. I experience this when I worked for Columbus City Schools in USA. The entire workplace employees were totally controlled by this cowardly one person who was able to turn those people against me.
Hello there I have learned so much from your videos and I found them a great resource for my situation. My narcissistic mother is still wreaking havock in my life and now my young adults sons as well. You're accurately describing my mother's family!
Yes exactly 25 years of my entire life wth my person who has narcissistic energies & his fly members iv seen it all ..dey operate like a cult group ..always into competition wth one target ..it's sick twisted mind game ..education on narcissism has saved my life ...glory be to God
The members are called flying monkeys. The narc always has a golden child and a scape goat. The flying monkeys serve the narc to avoid being the scape goat.
I've experienced this twice my father and then my mother in law, both smiling guilt tripping denigrading manipulating n controlling n turning all family against each other apart from the golden children. I wish I could go back in time n tell my late mother a beautiful soul who suffered at his hands. My mother in law had the power to get her children to make up...BUT these narcs enjoy and thrive off the negative and positive attention and drama of their puppets.
This is exactly what was happening to me in my life before I started to research educate myself on something behind the scenes because I knew something was off. I started to really pay attention to this narcissistic behaviour in the world today what's got me feeling be stabilized but thank you now I feel set free and now they will probably be mad but I don't care. I also have been a target. I know how ugly it feels to have this happen from experience. I am so glad I found this
Both of my parents are narcissists, I'm a narcissist and so is my sister. My parents are in a religious cult, but I recently realized that it's true that my family was it's own cult when I was growing up. My dad is the leader, my mom is the follower. I was the golden child and my sister was the scapegoat. I'm starting to suspect that my dad has been lying to my mom for their 30 year marriage, and by extension lying to me and my sister. I didn't see my dad for 5 years and I went to visit my parents last summer. He's so afraid. It was really hard, seeing my dad as this scared, pitiful narcissist, but it was what allowed me to become self aware as a covert narcissist. We are in an abusive relationship with ourselves, I'm trying to create a more loving stable inner world, so that I can then become a compassionate person. It's really hard but I think there is no other way forward.
I was thinking about this very thing right before this video came up!! Her mother who cant look you in the eye.. thats the queen right there. Has control over the 40 something yr old adults and acts like shes still nursing them.. pitiful! So glad I'm out of that extended family! You are completely on point, bro.
It's absolutely true, if people don't follow them, they have the capacity to make others lives living hell. They'll use all the tricks like appealing to their saviour tendencies, emotions and excessive follow-ups that people can't avoid, so people are forced to do what they want them to do.
Such a powerful observation. The beehive is a good analogy. My ex wifes family were like this. Extremely unhealthy unit with no individual deviations and no boundaries. FIL in particular was something else. Like an adult baby. As a result his kids (my ex and her sisters) all had many strong narcissistic traits and boy was that hell on me. 🥵
When I marred my narc(before I knew about narcs) it immediately felt like a cult I was never going to belong to. It’s ok, divorced a few years later and NO to the narc.
Oh my gosh, so true! I never had met or even knew what a narcissist was until 3 years ago when I met my current partners. Hardest relationship I've ever dealt with and his family enables him even when he's physically hurting me in front of them. At one point I was so trapped and alone.
Yes! You nailed it! My MIL is the Queen Bee and my husband is her chief Lieutenant. A couple of the siblings are “black sheep”, and I am too because I rebelled against all of the enmeshment.🤮🤮🤮
that's right I don't know why everybody just in the family just starts to take on the narcissist ways of thinking it's almost like they are brainwashed
Absolutely. A narcissist doesn't want people thinking for themselves.
Lord they sure don’t they are jealous about everything that you have going on
Nope. Thats why there's a shift w narcissist moms at what seems like a certain age w treatment of kids....when they can think for themselves and speak! At least in my case and others I've spoke with who have narcissist moms at least!
Mine use to get mad at me everytime I listen to things on RUclips especially things like this😂 I had to wait until he wasn't around to educate myself
💯💯💯💯💯
It's difficult to realise this because these are the families that endorse the concept of a happy family the most loudly
Oh yes indeed happy happy happy little too happy at times and watch out for the incest too or borderline because of the worshippers of the main bee
Exactly! External appearance must project happy successful family. While internal reality is quite dysfunctional.
Yeah, my family is very religious and because of that everyone assumes that I had a great childhood. I was the scapegoat. My aunt was like "you should be so happy your mother was a Christian and you got love and affection when you were a child".
I was the black sheep, I was never told I was loved. I was never hugged. I was never told anything good about myself. I was shunned, I was screamed at, my physically and mental problems (chornic insomnia, epilepsy, adhd, were never believed and my parents said I was trying to be difficult. Yeah, so much love. But I am an atheist that tells her children they are loved and accepted for who they are, constantly.
It’s sickening to watch once you realize none of it was ever true.
This was what caught me, and why I moved in with them. Now I watch visitors get the same happy family performance while I am required to stay out of sight in my room. Apparently I don't want to join in! That is what visitors are told. I would not have believed this if it had not happened to me. I leave tomorrow.
My narcissist told me once "you think too much" as if thinking was a bad thing. That was enough for me to leave him.
Mine told me this too. In the end my thinking was soo messed up I had to train my mind again. I was almost 50yrs. In a Covert/ Narcissist marriage abused on 5 Counts of Abuse. I now am seeing it in my own children. It scares me for their lives. I'm 74 next week and they don't treat me the same. They are being influenced by their Narc Father. I know he subtly makes cool calculated remarks devaluing me to them. They have taken his bait. They think they are so CLEVER too. They will Never get out of the Narcissistic web. Unless they Awaken to the signs and deal with it NOW!
@@deirdreday8731 Lot of luck to you, my sister was your age when she passed away from the same mess. Take care because that will take a toll on you.
Yeah mine too. But a shrink said there is no such thing as thinking to much.
You’re a narcissist too 🤪
Omg mine also said that to me!
I totally agree! I have experienced this. If you do not play along with the narcissist family dynamic, you will be ousted and treated like a black sheep because you refuse to be controlled. You’re right, it is truly like a cult and I don’t want any part of it.
This is what I feel too.
Can there be only one narcissist narcissist in a family or are they all narcissists?
So true it’s been happening with me .
U thinking it's you catching on to them
@@henamanlh my ex n her family. Her mom n sister were the worst
I agree 100%. I am the one who was lucky enough to get out of the cult.
Good job!!!!
🥳
Me too I am glad that I realized this and I'm so glad that I just need 4 months and I'm out of this home
My son was lucky to get out of the family, I had more trauma from my husband.
Most definitely. I've came to the realization that my mother in law is the queen bee and that caused all her children to be narsiscist. And they love isolating they spouces. So it all starts with they upbringing
“The Queen of Everything” Is the self-proclaimed narcissist’s title, and has full control and influence over the automatons, I mean family members.
Yes!!!
😂
ENTIRELY true. Especially in the so-called very religious and conservative families. Those turn from families into cults. No family, only tension and fear.
This was definitely true in my upbringing.
Perfect description of my family. Dad the chief narc and mum his deputy. They maintained hierarchy too, respect your senior
💯💯💯
Mine wasn’t religious and all, unless you consider democrats and satanism religious
@@kristatraumavictorsame...most of my family were athiests and scapegoated anyone who was lgbt, had no father, or lived lower income than them 😢
Some narcs aren't religious so they'll use the love of money to hurt people or ruin their friendships/relationships instead
"One mind controls every member", "they do not think for themselves"... So accurate and so mind boggling!
This is so true. My biological father had no identity and was the most cruel, destructive person I have ever met and I am 75 years old. He destroyed my siblings and I on many levels and enjoyed it. It has taken me a lifetime with interventions by other caring people and therapy to regain much of what I lost. I left home at 19 and never looked back. I have been healing all of my life. No narcissist, psychopath or sociopath will ever be in my life.
Am a proud black sheep here who has a mind of their own
They pathologize anyone or any behavior that is not in accordance with their ways.
Because everyone who isn’t them makes them feel insecure. They’re cowards
I thought I was crazy when I first found out about this. To watch this video makes me feel better to know that I’m not crazy but worse to know that this is true.
I know what you mean and feel!
Garza I know right
You were never alone in this. There are similar stories all around the world.
As a black sheep , yes this is true , we are also the lighting rod for all the blame , frustrations , they can be upfront hobest with us but they tip toe around eachother and only smear eachother behind thier backs , all smiles and friendly upfront but behind eachother backs they are negative or more of a mix .
I find this too.
This is my situation-the smearing behind my back. I’ve accepted because they are too coward or afraid to say it in my face, but it still hurts. The covertness hurts and makes me angry. How do you respond to this w/ your fam?
They know how to control people .
Or at least try to. I was the odd duck.
My mother and her two sisters were the main hive mind in their family and I’m a firm believer that when they all go bye bye their kids will be able to think for themselves. My mom already went but I left home when I was 16 so this bumble bee is free from toxic family hive 😂
When they die, their kids will create their own beehive or get trapped in their partner´s beehive...
I think I am in one of them. I have gone no-contact. Patterns I recognized: 1) Irrational beliefs/decisions that they want force you into that don't have any good data and logic 2) Strange rudeness which they justify 3) Response types to disagreement a) Angry denial b) Ha Ha I was only joking c) Changing to an irrelevant issue
I was only joking 😅 yes that’s a famous one they use.
Heavy,heavy emphasis on the strange rudeness
@@This_Planet I did not know this was a pattern. Here is a weird one: Context: Long ago my aunt had to move cousin A out of sharing bunk bed with Cousin B. Cousin A would just literally play wrestle with Cousine B all night and day. Fast forward a few decades. Cousin A still does that. You could be at a family gathering and Cousin A would stil grab Cousin B. Other Cousins would say "Cousin B, What are you doing ?????????. He'd say " I am only joking" He is a full on adult and can't figure it out.
Have extensive trauma from a huge narcissistic clan, because I divorced their brother. Scapegoated completely for the divorce, shamed by his mother - the majority, silent sympathizers don't help due to fear, blamed me for the divorce and brainwashed my son
The clan mentality, you hurt 1 of us, you hurt all of us is ridiculous
completely agree . i was the truth teller then the scapegoat until i walked away . it was painful caused me to be emotionally shattered until i healed myself
I totally agree with you. I was with my ex for 41 years and his parents and sister talked him into divorcing me because of the inheritance. He went for the money where there is none. He threw our marriage away. He listened to his narcissistic mother who died and now he has nothing. I do not want him back at all. I endured a lot of abuse. I hope he and his family receive all the karma and abuse that I received from them.
Yeah, I lived through something that has the same ring to it. The sense of entitlement was just unbelievable. If I had not lived it myself I wouldn't have imagined it to be possible
basically the same thing happened to me. I had to escape his family
They will use inheritance as a weapon. It’s best to take one’s mind off anything they claim is yours because the moment you offend them it’s off plus I think they hate making wills
@@This_Planet His dad told me that I wasn't in the will. Now I know why I wasn't in the will because there wasn't one. Him and his sister had to go through a very expensive probate do to no will by their parents. Both of his parents were narcissists.
@@brianreed8271 Yep, they are f...g unbelievable. I've just felt gobsmacked at the arrogance.
Agree!!
I celebrate all of us who are Black Sheep and Rebellious!!
100% and it's so amazing when you get out and finally think for yourself and realize/see the horrible truth of what was happening.
Absolutely, yes I agree. My sister is the queen bee and I finally went no contact two years from her. Her narcissistic behavior also extended into her workplace. She proudly told me her co-workers call her "the queen bee". I asked her if she knows what the "B" stands for. She's so blinded by her own arrogance that she actually thinks it's a compliment!
I went no contact from my narc mither and brother and they both started smearing my name and telling people how bad I was etc. Those close to me they attacked too and claimed they had brain washed me since they thought they did nothing wrong and someone must be influencing me to move away from them. Its been a tough couple of years...in the end I lost alot of people. I had to break the ties they knew of, so they wouldn't attack or harm other people. I also had to break ties with flying monkeys, their friends who would often gaslight me saying it wasn't that bad and they care really.
My situation is nearly identical to yours and I had to snort at your closing remark. My older sister is a covert narcissist and takes the whole queen bee nonsense seriously & too far. She even had a faux throne at recent birthday party (which I didn’t attend). And, yes she probably thinks of herself as the queen bee in her office because several of her co-workers are amused by her obnoxious antics. However I do know that she’s also earned the title of office bully and has been called out many times over the years for her treatment of others in several workplace situations. She actually once said to me that people overuse the term bullying & it’s been given bad connotations. I tried my best to keep a straight face.
@@ha8236 You have my sympathy and understanding. I've been through exactly what you just described. Yep, exclusion, flying monkeys etc. Still glad to be away from my mother.
@@Dyane629 Poor co workers. They really never realize how offensive and out of order their behaviour is. Or they just don't care, as long as they "win".
Absolutely. I did not want to be in it
Finally I realized I had to save my self and not listen to the big covert narc. Still I was abused until I broke contact with all of them.
Its the only way to survive. Break contact. They will eventually recruit a new scapegoat in the family since the narc needs one to regulate their own emotions.
I completely agree, Danish. But, this toxic system is not limited to families. The cult system is taught and starts in families, and then narissists and enablers take their toxic cult(ure) to work, their groups of friends, etc. That is why work environments are often toxic. People will say, with regard to the workplace, "We're a family here." Well, first, you don't go to work to have a family. Second, those people are just continuing the dysfunctional behaviors they learned in their family of origin in the workplace. This is why toxic people often immediately fit right in at work (or in circles of friends) from day 1. They understand, like and cooperate with the narcissistic hierarchy. And it's also why healthy people (outcasts, black sheep) will never jibe with the group or fit in, no matter how hard they try.
Your take explains so much.
@@js-tw3vs Yes, I've experienced both. But weirdly I've often been promoted to being a manager when I'd rather do technical work, because I was NOT a bully and they did not want a bully in the role of manager!! So I just concentrated on the work and left others to get on with theirs unless their was a problem. I treated them like responsible adults.
@@TheMazinoz if only all managers were like you.
This is a profound insight. I had identity issues as a child and again later in life where I felt I didn't exist except as a separate vessel for either my father's or older brother's personality.
Wow me as well, thank you
🎯
I felt this too.
I’ve struggled with identify as well. Hindsight my narc fam used my gifts & skills for their own agendas. Now I work to find what I want to use my gifts & skills for. I’m glad I’m healing ✊🏽
@@lasantajones9703 Cheers to your healing!
no narcissist can operate in isolation. apart from family, even friends become flying monkeys and there is no other word than -cullt.
I never thought of it as a cult but it fits!
I see this in social groups too. Queen Bee thinks she runs the whole show and uses others in the group to exert and extend her control.
I made the same discovery recently. I moved in with such a family a year ago. I have been the scapegoat all of that time, which did take some of the pressure off the husband I think. I move out in a couple of weeks but am astonished how much damage has been done to my confidence in that time.
An excellent description! Although they can remain as independent organizations that may be unknown to each other, they all seem to operate with many of the same diabolical actions.
Yes that’s how it is. One member controlling everyone else
So true😭 coming out of such a system is so difficult. Tried thousands of times. But with the situation especially mental, had to come back. Got married far away to escape the cult only to find that i got married to almost a same family. Somehow we just find such people normal and get attracted to them. Or maybe they suck us in as fast as a tornado. Willing to take take and take with no repercussions.Such families destroy self esteem, finance, thinking power, they just break us. We don't even have proper boundaries or knowledge of what is actually normal and healthy. And somehow we are always seen as the bad ones by our family, relatives, society. Oh what would it feel to have the unconditional love of a mother, the protection of a father, the support of a sibling and the love and care of a husband. Maybe next life will get to feel it.
I see that ppl who were black sheep allow too much in relationships. That is the reason that others lose respect for them.
Great observation Danish, I'd love to hear you dive more into the narcissistic family system.
My adoptive "mom" is the covert sadistic narcissist from hell. I've been the black sheep/scapegoat since they brought me home at 9 days old. She's turned literally everyone against me. For reasons she completely made up.
I am Sorry to hear that 🙁
Hope you have little contact or NO contact with that narc? It's must be hard not having contact with our mothers but maybe in some cases it's the best to not let them take our energy 😖🤨
Stay strong 💪
Thank you for your kind words. Very sadly, I'm living with her right now...
❤❤❤. Hope you found peace and healing, unimaginable
Narcissistic mother-daughter relationships are the worse, as narc moms tend to idolize their sons and compete with their daughters
I am so sorry, I know how this feels. I hope you can get away. It doesnt get easier when they get old.
Yes I have observed this too. And woe upon anyone who tries to break out and develop his or her own identity, because this person will quickly be discredited by and isolated from the narcissistic family as scapegoats.
This makes so much sense to me. #Blacksheep
Very very true one person controls all the other members and when a new member enters the family he or she is also emotionally tortured till the also are controlled the same way
Very true Danish,i was married to a narcissistic family and suffered for 13 yrs,they just took advantage of my life ,i was like a football in that family and i myself forgot my identity itself.They just took advantage of my character.
Yes! They decide what type of person you're going to be within the family, instead of getting to know you. They give you a background lesser role, and you're supposed to act passive and only admire and give them attention. Any display of your true personality will get rebuked by the narcs and the monkeys - you mustn't ever shine
Yes. I would always be in denial about my fam’s narc stuff because my character says that family is who can trust. I’ve allowed them to take advantage of my loyalty for so long. I’m healing s& taking my power back
The narcissist cult I grew up in ended badly. The various members splintered away when they could and have spent the rest of their lives trying to get themselves together. They still have a lot of problems.
The cult from my first marriage is splintering now. Some of my adult children are very troubled.
I truly wish them well.
I was and am the black sheep from both cults. I have spent a lot of my life understanding what happened and why. It is so nice to be free and to understand I was not the root of the problem, just a cast member and enabler.
At least I don’t think I was. They say if you can ask if you're a narcissist you are not.
I have a wonderful second marriage and my younger children are happy. It doesn't feel narcisistic.
If you are the black sheep getting hammered by the rest be glad. There is hope for you yet!
:)
Thank goodness. They will make you wonder what’s wrong with you for years but waking up is a pleasure.
@@This_Planet Yep, it is NOT you, it's them.
@@This_Planet
So true. I spent years wondering what was wrong with me and why i was treated that way.
The introspection and holding to my goal to be free and happy have paid off.
Don't let them wear you down.
💯💯‼️‼️Such depravity I also refer to it as Invasion of the Body Snatchers. They go to sleep and wake up as shells of their previous selves, controlled by headquarters, aka the queen bee. It’s actually very frightening!
It has ruined all i held Sacred and Loving in life!
@@deirdreday8731 I feel exactly the same way
Yes! I was called many things specially a traitor by the head of the cult and they like to work behind your back putting all smiles in front of you. They can be very painful to deal with. Crazy as sh...
Downright treacherous at times.
Same. What’s a healthy way you deal with smiling in your face but plotting & smearing behind your back?
@@lasantajones9703 a healthy way? IDK, seeking professional advice can help! It depends on your goal & personality type I guess. Some situations required to stand up & speak up. Others required to plan & escape quietly and then others to remain in a little while but in all instances avoid them as much as possible and never loose focus of who you are, I'd say. You are precious & valuable under the eyes of God & that's the only thing it matters. Jesus helps!
Yes!!!! My husband and his family. No individuation, at all.
This Is Absolutely Most Definately True In My Case & Devastatingly Heartbreaking & Soul Crushing Especially When It's Close Immediate Family ~ Even Worse Is When You're Stuck With Them Because You Have Nowhere Else To Go~ Only To Find Out ~The Main Narcissist Intentionally Designed It That Way To & For His Own Advantage & Agenda💔
as the scapegoat your insight into this structure of my family dynamic is spot on.
This is so true.
The familj function like a cult.
Thank you for your videoa!! 🙏
❤Thank you for spreading knowledge!Ex- narc told me~"I didn't tell you to think!" I escaped a week later!
A Narcissist in the family behaves like a cult leader. Perfect 👏👏👏
Absolutely true! It’s difficult for the members to even look at the Queen bee as a human .. she is super human almost God like and so can do no wrong.
The narcissist will speak for you. You are never allowed to have your own experiences.
God yes. I needed to have ligament surgery in my 30's and when my mother found out, she insisted on coming to my surgeon's appointment and talking about her toe infection surgery!!! Hated her since I was 14yrs old for some strange reason.
You nailed that one !!!
That’s it! That explains the dynamics of what iv observed. I called it generational narcissism
That is absolutely true. I disregarded the Queen Bee man, after I recognised him as a narcissist. Since that time I was casted out as rebel. His son and daughter had no separated identity. Spot on point.
My sister's house. She controls everyone in her family. They are so desperate for the love she'll never give.
It will always be like that until the end. They critique night and day and obsess on little trivial things and always care so much about how the house looks in the eyes of a guess and will compare their family and home to others and even do the things others do especially if it’s someone they revere. They seem to love their position more than their children and if you happen to be doing something they want they have to stand over you ever second and nag expecting the worst.
The Queen bee was my Ex Mother in law ....
Happy to know that there are others who could really really understand what we went through ..Alhamdullilah..
Absolutely agree, this is totally correct. Thanks for your work 😊
100%!!!!! My ex's mother. Probably the most cold and calculating woman I have EVER MET. A line I will never forget " What I want to happen, happens and what I don't want happening also happens" 3 years of watching this woman totally screw with and control her whole family. So glad to be out because there is ABSOLUTELY NO room for another woman in his life while she is around. Gob smacked, literally left without words and in tears to many times. Beyond unhealthy
He is 100% right!
Flying monkeys, I was the black sheep according to them.
💯 spot on and is exactly how I have witnessed it to be all my life. Glad my eyes are opened!
This the same word I describe "my family" , : a cult..exactly.
Couldn’t have said it better!
I agree. My ex narc. (Thanks to you they’re only an ex now), had his sister and mother also assisting and enabling their narcism but I thank God I found a family in you guys & am roughly 11 months going strong.
Same here!!
Escaping a narc family system is like exiting a dungeon you’ve been trapped in your whole life. The horror, it stays with you.
The secret that needs to be kept is the emotional,mental and even physical abuse and daily torment that the narcissist feels has a profound right to impose upon the children.
Yep, my mother was physically, mentally, emotionally, financially abusive and socially isolated me. Not a fun childhood. Plotted escape from 14 yrs old.
Ditto
I was the family black s. I agree. May all living beings obtain illumination.
I absolutely agree. My brother(golden child) refuses to ever acknowledge anything wrong that my mom does. Whenever I call out her behavior, he says “give her a break, she’s trying her best, she’s a beautiful person, stop focusing on negative stuff and think of the positive within her etc”. But if I do so much as react to being treated horribly by her, he says “all you do is focus on the past, it only happens because you don’t set proper boundaries, stop blaming her for your actions etc”. He never acknowledges my trauma as the reason for why I do what I do, but always acknowledges her. If I do something inappropriate, I have to own up to it and be shamed for it. If she does something inappropriate, it’s only because she experienced trauma and she deserves grace. I swear I feel like I’m in the twilight zone sometimes. Everyone is always excusing her behavior. She never has to take responsibility or own up to what she does. I’m so tired of it. I’m moving out of the country next month. No one in my family has told me that they are happy for me. All they say is “I don’t think you should move to Bali, you need to stay here and buy a house and be close to your family. It’s wild but over time, I’ve realized that it’s not a good idea to share good news with my narc family. It’s always met with negativity and reasons for why I’m wrong. It’s horrible when it’s your own family that’s treating you the worse. I swear I get more love and support from strangers than I do my own family. I’m 100 percent disabled veteran with no partner or children. I can move to Bali and live like a kind with my amount of compensation. I don’t know how they do it, but some home they’re able to make it a negative thing or a bad choice. Seriously who wouldn’t want to live on a tropical island and not have to work
Yes I do agree with you. My ex was a splitting image of the mother and treated people as the mother would treat all of the children. Scary.
Yep! The mom had everyone of her children behaving just like her having each kid against one another. After my divorce My saw it more clearly once I got out of that relationship. After the mom died the chaos just got worse, they completely say, oh he’s acting like my mother, she’s acting just like my mother and I watch them all continuously acting like their mother. Lying, controlling, blaming everyone and everything else for their bad behaviors ABSOLUTELY NO ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THEIR OWN ACTIONS.
Yes this seems to be true.
Yes! I agree!
Everyone always forgets the invisible ones. 😢 we see what others do not & the narc doesn’t care because they make sure no one sees or hears us unless it serves their purposes for them to.
You're right ✅ Triple J Mom
And that's how I became a victim of a whole family. The trauma when it's a whole family.... is not to explain in words.
Yes, my ex wife is one of 9 children( the youngest) and the narcissist my ex likes to be called "Queeny" by all of her family.
Thank you ❤ Danish. Can you do a video on the black magic within a narcissistic family?
Once I left abusive relative in family the whole family turned on me and spread lies/smear campaign with them, they also enabled/ignored the abuse for years when I thought they didn’t realise or notice before.
It was hard realising none of them actually cared and that they’d all team up against me. I guess it’s to save face and cover themselves but it still hurts.
Yes! Not only did I marry a narcissist, my mother is a covert narcissist.
My oldest sister is the "golden child" she all the praise and all the privileges , my other sister was kinda not on the radar, she did what she told and and my parents didn't pay attention.
I am the black sheep, but I am the lucky one! It was hella painful growing up but I am the only child my parents had who has a mind of their own. I didn't fall into their religious cult, I questioned what I was taught by them, I developed my own thoughts and feelings. I was free of the family cult when they decided to make me the scapegoat. It was the best they ever did for me.
My oldest sister, now in her mid 50's still is the golden child, my other sister has major mental health issues but won't acknowledge and get help, but she does everything she to get my mom to pay attention her, by being just like my mom, and she's 53. It's so sad.
It is getting clearer to me
Its true the main leader is hiding and let others do his work . I was thinking the same thing.
It's true!! You will be a target when you don't go along with the system and choose to be authentic!
my mother took the role of queen bee and my sister is working the exact same job as my mother, it is disgusting.
So true, I relate 100 %
you are absolutely correct.. I experience this when I worked for Columbus City Schools in USA. The entire workplace employees were totally controlled by this cowardly one person who was able to turn those people against me.
Hello there I have learned so much from your videos and I found them a great resource for my situation. My narcissistic mother is still wreaking havock in my life and now my young adults sons as well.
You're accurately describing my mother's family!
Move, no contact??
Yes exactly 25 years of my entire life wth my person who has narcissistic energies & his fly members iv seen it all ..dey operate like a cult group ..always into competition wth one target ..it's sick twisted mind game ..education on narcissism has saved my life ...glory be to God
The members are called flying monkeys. The narc always has a golden child and a scape goat. The flying monkeys serve the narc to avoid being the scape goat.
Yup. That’s my Narc family & they are taking me down hard because I’m trying to get out. I’m so trapped.
Definitely root and branch
I've experienced this twice my father and then my mother in law, both smiling guilt tripping denigrading manipulating n controlling n turning all family against each other apart from the golden children. I wish I could go back in time n tell my late mother a beautiful soul who suffered at his hands. My mother in law had the power to get her children to make up...BUT these narcs enjoy and thrive off the negative and positive attention and drama of their puppets.
This is exactly what was happening to me in my life before I started to research educate myself on something behind the scenes because I knew something was off. I started to really pay attention to this narcissistic behaviour in the world today what's got me feeling be stabilized but thank you now I feel set free and now they will probably be mad but I don't care. I also have been a target. I know how ugly it feels to have this happen from experience. I am so glad I found this
Yes. Totally my husband. He controls a good portion of his family. Cousins, sisters, mother, aunts, etc.
Both of my parents are narcissists, I'm a narcissist and so is my sister. My parents are in a religious cult, but I recently realized that it's true that my family was it's own cult when I was growing up. My dad is the leader, my mom is the follower. I was the golden child and my sister was the scapegoat. I'm starting to suspect that my dad has been lying to my mom for their 30 year marriage, and by extension lying to me and my sister. I didn't see my dad for 5 years and I went to visit my parents last summer. He's so afraid. It was really hard, seeing my dad as this scared, pitiful narcissist, but it was what allowed me to become self aware as a covert narcissist. We are in an abusive relationship with ourselves, I'm trying to create a more loving stable inner world, so that I can then become a compassionate person. It's really hard but I think there is no other way forward.
I was thinking about this very thing right before this video came up!! Her mother who cant look you in the eye.. thats the queen right there. Has control over the 40 something yr old adults and acts like shes still nursing them.. pitiful! So glad I'm out of that extended family! You are completely on point, bro.
Yes, defitnetly your top observation to date 110%
It's absolutely true, if people don't follow them, they have the capacity to make others lives living hell. They'll use all the tricks like appealing to their saviour tendencies, emotions and excessive follow-ups that people can't avoid, so people are forced to do what they want them to do.
Such a powerful observation. The beehive is a good analogy. My ex wifes family were like this. Extremely unhealthy unit with no individual deviations and no boundaries. FIL in particular was something else. Like an adult baby. As a result his kids (my ex and her sisters) all had many strong narcissistic traits and boy was that hell on me. 🥵
When I marred my narc(before I knew about narcs) it immediately felt like a cult I was never going to belong to. It’s ok, divorced a few years later and NO to the narc.
Correct! That's why everyone else around the queen bee follows. Even friends.
Oh my gosh, so true! I never had met or even knew what a narcissist was until 3 years ago when I met my current partners. Hardest relationship I've ever dealt with and his family enables him even when he's physically hurting me in front of them. At one point I was so trapped and alone.
Yes! You nailed it! My MIL is the Queen Bee and my husband is her chief Lieutenant. A couple of the siblings are “black sheep”, and I am too because I rebelled against all of the enmeshment.🤮🤮🤮
They (3) said I was so so DIFFERENT... No horns or a long rodent like tail does seem to be the biggest diffs
that's right I don't know why everybody just in the family just starts to take on the narcissist ways of thinking it's almost like they are brainwashed