Sometimes you have to acknowledge your expectations are unrealistic and adjust accordingly. You can call it settling for less, but it's just a question of how realistic you can be with yourself and what you are looking for. Young people especially tend to have pie-high insane expectations and are told to never accept anything less than what they think they deserve, but sometimes that is wrong and inappropriate and will lead to a life of sadness and loneliness. Sometimes being a little bit more realistic can get you something you can actually be very happy with after all.
I think the issue is that people don't want to invest another year of being in a relationship with someone before committing to a marriage, so they settle for what they're already familiar with, rather than spending another year trying to find potential partner. Or better yet, it takes a lot of time just to fully get to know someone. If you look at your friendship circle, the good ones are often developed over the course of something such as 5 years or more. As an adult, you don't have that kind of time to fully get to know someone because you have so much other responsibilities to do. Time is money, and not everyone has time to go on dates and get to know people, only to be disappointed and felt like waste of time afterward.
@@sststr Understandable for the things that are out of one's control, because that would be unrealistic. There really is no excuse for things that are in our control like who we pick as a partner. I think part of the reason is actually because deep down, many people DON'T think that they deserve what they want, so they make excuses to settle for less. A fear of failure is another possible reason, or even a fear of rejection, fear of being alone, or just plain too lazy to put in the work. It could be impatience, because they want a connection of some kind NOW. So they settle for an ok one, instead of waiting until they find a fantastic one. Obviously none of us are perfect, so if we aren't careful and we allow ourselves, we can easily fall into something we don't want for different reasons.
I literally had this conversation with my best friend. She’s letting herself be a friend with benefits with a guy because she’s in love with him even though the guy made it clear that he doesn’t want a romantic relationship. UPDATE: That friend was actually the other girl the whole time as this guy she was in love with was using her to cheat on his actual girlfriend. Another reason why one needs to be careful getting into a friends with benefits situation. Not saying this will always be the case, but it can be a possibility, especially cause the guy in question was a damn good manipulator and liar
Man this is like every girl I met in college. They all had hopes of pulling the guy in, but the guy had so much variety in terms of sexual options and other kinds of freedom they would almost never let it happen. I was also that guy. I think it is important for ladies in college to understand that their probability of pulling in a guy by opening with casual sex is incredibly low. The probability of keeping a guy, even if you manage to pull him in, is still lower. Out of scores and scores of people, I've only seen this happen one gender direction, and never with long-term success. Those gals aren't married, or even with the same guy.
sounds like lack of self-respect and boundaries. she knows what she wants from this person but doesn't love herself enough to maintain her own boundaries. I would know, I used to be like this thinking I wasn't worthy of love so I would bend my own rules and what I was comfortable with to accommodate others needs above my own. she's definitely in for a lesson
You've got to know yourself. Not everybody is cut out for one night stands, flings or friends with benefits. Take a cold shower and focus on what's best for your long term emotional well being.
Can one hundred percent attest that communication is key. While I did catch feelings and he didn’t, we’ve still managed to remain really close friends because we talked about and still talk about everything really clearly.
100% Instead of promising that you "won't catch feelings", acknowledge that it's not in your control and make sure you communicate if it happens and renegotiate boundaries
"Communication" is necessary, but not sufficient. It must be *honest* communication. My last relationship, she communicated a lot, but every word out of her mouth was a lie. I'd suggest that is worse than not communicating at all. She knew I was not a big talker myself, so I don't necessarily need her to do a lot of talking either, but she felt that silence was bad, so when I didn't have anything to say, she it necessary to fill in the void. Except she went out of her way to lie, even about things that were completely needless and pointless to lie about. I suspect she was a compulsive liar and had no idea she was even doing it. On the rare occasion I pointed out her... "inconsistencies", she didn't seem to realize she had ever said anything in a prior conversation different from what she was saying now, and thought I was crazy and misremembering. Except I keep a journal, so I wasn't misremembering, she either genuinely didn't know that she was pumping out non-stop lies and had some psychological disorder compelling her to do it without knowing it, or else she was the best gas-lighter ever.
So moral of the story: it's statistically unlikely that I, someone who already knows that I prefer and crave long-term relationships, will not find success from a fwb situation? That makes perfect sense but, alas, I'm lonely 😭
I am part of the 15% of the friends with benefits turned romantic partners and it was extremely difficult to make that transition. For example: when we were fwb it was fun and cool to talk about the other people we were seeing. When we became exclusive, we had to work through the insecurity that came with knowing about the other people your partner was with. Two years of being on-again-off-again fwb and two years of being exclusive partners later, feeling really fulfilled and happy in our relationship.
The more life experience you get the more you'll be able to be happy for the other person that they got to experience things that make them happy and made them the person you love now.
I did friends with benefits with my 2nd ex for *3 YEARS.* DON’T EVER DO IT. I was naive in my relationship skills, co-dependent, and heavily love bombed by him. I suffered a mental breakdown as a direct result.
I've been on a mental and emotional breakdown spiral since my fwb i caught feelings for baited me by being in a 2 week "relationship" with me and then lied to my face in the end, leaving me on false hope/false narrative/words (manipulative asshole). My life's been feeling like it's falling apart and I stopped talking to most of my friends to self-isolate cause i couldn't trust anybody. He'll get his goddamn karma.
@@qazedc3 I’ve been there. You deserve so much better than that. Stay strong. Try to connect with the people in your life that care about you. The more you isolate, the more overwhelming your feelings with seem. It’s okay to grieve. This stranger on the internet is wishing you all the best. ❤️
I was actually considering my ex because I don’t want a long list of sexual partners so in this way it’ll just be him and then my future husband when I meet him. But yeah, probably not a good idea 👀
I hear you sister. I married my “one night stand”. 25 years and 6 kids later we are very happy together. We got here by communication and connecting with each other periodically and aligning our individual and personal goals together.
@@sammyvictors2603 LOL I wish I could say it was a fairy tale ending. But those don’t exist. It’s hard work, everyday. But it’s work I love. We have kids with disabilities, and health issues. We almost lost our son a few years ago and still soend 20-39 days a year in icu with him. I think what’s gotten us through it is what Anna talked about. Communication is the key to any positive relationship. Romantic, friendship, work, FWB. It’s my belief that the latter is the toughest because more often than not both parties don’t want the same thing.
It is very simple. Humans tend to develop feelings and bond with other humans when they are spending a significant amount of time together (sex only enhances that process). Usually people do this sort of stuff when they are immature and don't know how to navigate through relationships in general, or it's a post-breakup phase when they are emotionally damaged and still connected to their ex. Everyone wants to find love, but people tend to settle for those kind of arrangements when they can't get the love they want from the other person, so they are actually "waiting for them".
I've had many fwb's over the years, and most worked perfectly for me at the time and ended naturally. While it's true that fwb relationships end, so do most romantic relationships (and even platonic friendships). The time frame is not an indication of success. Communication is definitely key.
Agree with you there. I am about 50/50 of it ending with staying friends. Though in terms of romantic relationships I am 0/100, so it might be the romance part that made it untennable afterwards.
Were you still friends with the person? I am hoping for a fwb situation with a friend but I value his friendship first and foremost and won't risk it for anything
@@StefanyDjuba I'm not friends with any of my past fwb's anymore. I'm still glad I went for it with my friends-turned-fwbs because our friendships took on a different meaning. Again, I'm not taking us not being friends anymore as a failure of our fwb relationship. But if I wanted to preserve the longevity of a friendship above all else, I wouldn't risk it. To me, it's quality over longevity, so something can be amazing for 2 years, or feel incomplete for 10 years, and I'd take the 2 years any day. But that's me.
Thank you for being open about having an STD, I have an incurable one that I’m ALWAYS honest with people about. It’s nice seeing we’re not so uncommon. Please everyone go get tested, even if you have no symptoms
I don’t understand how people expect themselves to not catch feelings during an activity that’s an emotionally and physically vulnerable situation. We are more likely to be wired to want something more because of said situation. So I cannot understand how people have sex lives that are “no strings attached”. I think those situations likely end in heart break. We want to be able to feel safe and have stability with those we connect with. Which is why I don’t think sex is just a physical mechanism at all.
This. Humans are biologically engineered to lean towards monogamy. Yes there have and still are polygamous societies but those societies always face a higher degree of social instability because polygamy is just inherently more unstable because we aren’t supposed to do it as anything other than a SHTF strategy; NOT a long term foundation for a society. Even societies where polygamy is legal trend towards monogamy the moment they have to conflict in the long term with a monogamous society. My primary example is the Islamic World.
At this point I believe people are just inherently bad at knowing what they want and making descisions that would most likely benefit them in the long term. Like if you want this long life term happiness with someone to share with, why get with people in the first place if you aren't going to commit with them? I honestly hate it
FWB usually ends with just friends only when one of the two still has some romantic feelings for the other but is willing to suppress those feelings . In my experience any way I could be wrong there is no definitive answer when it comes to human relationships
I think the core issue is people not being 100% honest with themselves (!!) and their partners about what they want. if the dynamic that the other person wants isn’t genuinely what you want, then that’s a very adequate reason not to pursue that relationship. even if they’re great in every other way, if your goals and desires don’t match, what’s the point? it’s a waste of everyone’s time, and you’re only setting yourself up for heartbreak and the potential loss of someone you care about if you essentially lie about your expectations. going into a “casual” situation, or hell even a traditional relationship, with mismatched expectations never works out. i think we often lie to ourselves about what we want to avoid seeming vapid or too high strung when at the end of the day, you like what you like, your expectations and desires are what they are. i feel like people would be way happier if they were okay saying “yes, this person is great, but that doesn’t mean they’re the one for me.” Or, “i love this person but what i want isn’t aligned with what they want, so maybe the time isn’t right for us and i’ll have to be okay if the right time with this person never comes.” not all relationships are meant to last forever but the relationships you do have should be fulfilling and with people that are on the same page as you. if the page changes, cool, but you can’t go into any relationship KNOWING that the dynamic isn’t what you want and expect it to work out. likewise, if your feelings begin to veer away from theirs, more people need to be okay with the concept that not all love lasts a lifetime and that’s okay. there’s more for you out there if you’re open to finding it
as a non-monogamous person, i can't totally agree to that for me personally. BUUUUUT, some of the people that I had this kind of relationship wanted a different "ending", so I 100% get what you're saying.
@@pez4 Not that I think you don’t know this, but I do feel the need to clarify (for anyone at home) that “polyamory” is a term falling under the umbrella of “non-monogamy,” not a synonym for it. Welp, got my ridiculously pedantic correction done for the day. Thank you for your time.
We are not freaking robots to be detached of our feelings 😂 Plus sex is good exactly because of the feelings. It could be a projection that you are falling for especially in short relationships like this, but let the feelings happen We end up hurt at the end either way willing to admit it or not, every relationship hurts when it’s over no matter how long it lasted I think the important part is to stop before it starts getting too complicated and to be honest with yourself and the other person.
I think maybe the people who wanted a friendship after a FWB were happiest because you don’t expect to lose the friendship part of a FWB, since that’s typically what you started with, so when it happens it can be the most crushing part.
I think it can also (at least partially) be explained by attachment theory. People who have "success" with FWB are more likely to be avoidant, while those who are "failing" by catching feelings are more likely to be anxious. Funny enough though, FWB can never work in the long-term because if it's an avoidant person and an anxious person, then the anxious person will always develop feelings. And if somehow an avoidant starts FWB with another avoidant, eventually they'll just drift apart and stop doing it. Maybe they'll go back to just being friends, maybe not.
Yes that’s very true, but also I think statistically more men are avoidant than women, due to cultural influences, so this often ends up being a gender imbalance. Women have to stop forgetting their own needs just to get a man’s attention. Also avoidant people in general can just trigger anxious attachment in people who are otherwise securely attached. So it’s better to just communicate directly and get that secure relationship from the beginning (even if its FWB it can still be secure if you communicate boundaries clearly…although I suppose an avoidant person would avoid doing that or just lie which is unhealthy and harmful).
@@rtmusicvideos431 yes unless a woman is emotionally numb or avoidant. She can lie or trick herself all she wants after sleeping with a man she’ll get attached he doesn’t revenge have to be cute or have the personality she was looking for. Men do not bond emotionally from sex. It’s really in a woman’s best interest not to sleep with a man it really blonds your emotions and makes you lifetime female crazy
I got into one. I’m glad to say that I didn’t catch any feelings but it was a waste of time and mental energy. I potentially lost a friend because of the bad choices I’ve made while I was in a FWB. It was like I was leading two different lives and I started feeling icky about myself. I just wanted to have fun, to be distracted but long term it’s the worst idea ever. Lesson learned, don’t settle for anything less.
I've had multiple friends with benefits and we always remain close friends. The secret is to genuinely care for each other and to communicate a lot. I was recently invited to the wedding of one of them.
Anna, you're not alone in this! it doesn't work for me either, I develop really deep feelings and - what I believe to be - healthy attachment. I also believe there are several biological reasons and benefits to this experience, even though it doesn't look like it is the mainstream trend.
One of my favorite youtubers, and I don’t like very many nowadays, but you’ve always stayed entertaining, humorous, and educational all at once and I admire it very much. Stay golden, beautiful☺️❤️🙏
As long as you can detach your feelings from the physical intimacy, it can definitely work. Open communication is key and a set of boundaries for yourself and your partner really helps.
I don't think you should enter a purely sexual relationship if you need to detach your feelings to do it; you will be hurting both yourself, and your partner
@@rosemary709 that’s the whole point of a fwb. You’re friends-just kickin it plus having sex. As long as you guys can hang and be able to have sex without taking it to the next step of having feelings for them it definitely works.
The thing is that whether you want it or not you will be producing hormones during the sex, so most people can't completely detach their feelings from it. One thing is just endorphins, but you make oxytocin which directly influences your feelings and memory. For example it reduces the negative feelings and memories of pain after childbirth so women don't experience it as traumatic, and can bond with the baby. But in case of sex it makes it much easier to bond with the person you're doing the act with. They're also important in rebound sex or makeup sex.
I had one friend with benefits that was wonderful. We'd have great sex, watch anime. But there was never any expectation of romance, just friendship. And it ended naturally. We're still friends today.
If you aren't non-monogamous, then you just ruined your friendship because if you or your friend gets into a romantic relationship, your/their SO is never going to be okay with you being alone together, knowing that you and your friend are sexually attracted to one another. I bet you didn't think about how it would effect your future because you only thought about having sex.
@@endcorruption993 They already said it ended and they're still friends, what are you talking about? No friendship was ruined. If people trust their partners, they will be fine with their partner being friends with someone they had history with. If you're insecure and worry about your partner finding their friend sexually attractive, that's a you problem
@@wolfferoni I am aroace and never had any type of relationship whatsoever so I'm not self-projecting. You can say that people just need to trust that their partner will not hookup with the friend they engaged in fwb with but those are just words and words don’t always translate into reality. There are people whom use fwb as a means of cheating on their partner and the people whom have been cheated on in that instance is never going to be okay with dating someone who has engaged in fwb. Also, how do you plan on communicating with someone whom has been cheated on multiple times that you aren't going to hookup with your friend behind their back? I have done research into fwb and looked at numerous long-term studies and I know how the human brain functions.
Overall I've had better fwb relationships than romantic relationships. The key is openness, space, and acting in good faith. The only fwb relationship I've had that ended poorly was with a coworker (so kinda hard to give each other space) who only disclosed the parts of the truth that would get her what she wanted (no openness), and tried to lawyer her actions to be *technically within* what we've agreed to while disrespecting boundaries (no acting in good faith). The ending of that friendship (and its benefits) was as bitter as any relationship breakup I've been through
Friends with benefits, one night stands. One day you are proud of that and later on you hit THE WALL and you will be asking yourself why nobody wants you.
I am sorry but a study with only 168 people is ... simply to low to make meaningful predictions out of it. Now that friends with befits can be extremely frustrating/not working for many is definitely a truth and the std test thing is soooo important. But studies with such small sample sizes if the whole is so much bigger (we are talking about millions of people here after all) are to be viewed quite critical.
The small sample size is an issue but also the lack of reproduction. Studies need to be done multiple times by multiple people in order to prove the first set of results was valid. Though I think the science behind the familiarity principle is already solid.
Well actually for a longitudinal studie in psychology, the sample size is quite okay .. however.. the results should indeed also be reproduced in other studies. So i think that’s a bigger problem. However it’s still interesting.
In order for this to work, both people have to be upfront and honest about what they want. My friends w benefits situation has gone strong for 4 years. I know she wants a long term relationship and is looking for a boyfriend or husband eventually. We talk about our lives, issues, etc. and try to help each other in ways besides just sex. I've helped her start a real estate side business and I'm even her wingman and have tried to help her out with men. If one person is selfish in the this type of relationship, it won't work.
Selfish how? Like if one person starts developing feelings would that make them selfish? That’s usually what ends the fwb is feelings being caught. That or boundaries being crossed.
@@brittanysmith3716 Selfish meaning one person only wants sex and doesn't really care about the other person other than that. It should be that you're there to give to each other.
@@mustyrious If she was thinking of dating you exclusively, I wouldn't meet her anymore, but I'd be happy for both of you. She deserves to find what she's looking for. Years ago, I helped find my 1st fwb a boyfriend. I even introduced him to her knowing she wanted a full time boyfriend. She and I don't meet anymore unless he's there to go out to dinner as friends (which we do once a month as requested by them). He knows about our past, but he and I are cool because I show them both respect.
In my opinion, Soul ties are what mainly kills FWB relationships. Sex is not just a purely physical act. It’s also spiritual. That’s why things become so emotional when a breakup occurs. When it happens, it’s like ripping apart your 2 souls with one person being left with a pieces of the other’s heart similar to 2 pieces of wood that were once glued together then pried apart.
I've had a few FWBs in my life. It can work if you are able to make it work for your needs and the needs of others. Aromantizism is a thing. Some people just aren't romantic deep down. FWB can be a safe way having a sexual connection and taking care of your sexual needs without a romantic relationship
Hey Anna! That was super cool and supportive of you at the end with the whole STI support program. That can be an uncomfortable conversation, but more people should have it (everyone actually) and you were super chill about. Wish more people were! Hope you're living your best life 😊
Friends with benefits is more aptly labeled, 'sex acquaintances' most times because the actual friendship part is often missing. Genuine friendships with sexual intimacy are a thing too. Just know and communicate what each of you is seeking before, during, after, continually and if things change. And sometimes it's not sexual intimacy one truly wants but aromantic skinship like hugs and cuddles. Most people are touched starved and just subconsciously seeking another to co regulate sympathetic nervous systems together. But because of our culture we feel that can only come from a sexual or commited relationship. In some other cultures it's normal to have group cuddle sessions with your friends regardless of gender, sex and sexual orientation.
was in an on-again-off-again friends with benefits relationship with a guy for about 3 years. I didn't catch feelings but the way he dumped me or cut me off everytime he got a new girlfriend, broke my heart because it made me feel worthless and not capable of being loved. Yes, I was a naive 22 year old lol.
Yes, rules are very important. Specially rules for your self. I been in a FWB for over 10 years, in fact conversations about feelings should be avoid. There should not be any personal conversations at all. The only conversations that should be happening is sexual desires and needs.
I think it's different for everyone. I've had friends with benefits before and am okay not getting attached, but since I seek a long term relationship; I normally avoid fwb unless desperate and lonely lol. While I'm not a big fan of them, I will say there is 1 benefit I did notice is that when I have a friend with benefits, it's similar to being in a relationship in the sense that since you have someone to fulfill your needs, your less desperate at the time and your confidence is higher which in turn can increase the amount of attention you get. Tldr? Basically, I noticed more girls show interest in me while I'm in a relationship OR have a friend with benefits which...if it's the latter of the two, it's not a bad thing since you're technically single and it can help you potentially find someone easier. Great vid as always tho!
It sometimes or most often never works, but I have had two in my 20s that lasted a couple of years who were great. We're still friends. The thing that made it work was 100% honesty about expectations, wants, who else we were seeing, etc. Just completely transparent honesty. I think when people have hidden expectations and wants, it doesn't work or if people lie to get into the situation, it doesn't work.
I believe it typically fails for women more often cause they tend to only want to sleep with people they somewhat like. Weird to think a man could sleep with someone he doesn't like but it happens. So shes likely to develop feelings while he doesn't. Separation of sex and intimacy. So if you want to improve your chances at fwb just sleep with someone you have 0 attraction for at jump and itll lower your chances of liking them
This get checked idea is sooo good!! I myself get exams every 6 months but a lot of people don't do it because of lines and because it's time consuming. I hope more countries do that, I can't use it so I have to keep doing my way, but I loved the idea!
Meh it works for me... I've had FwB and the key has always been very clear intent and communication and no feelings attached. If feelings get involved, you get real honest and either date or end things. No in between. I'm still good friends with my prior FwB and there's never been complications or drama. 🤷🏽♀️
Oh boy, here we go with the "communication is key" non-sense. How about you control your sexual urges until you find someone you love? Did you even get the "friend" tested for STDs?
Every time I hear stats like these I just go: "Talk to people!" Communication is not that hard! Just be honest about what you want, what you're willing and able to compromise on and keep checking in. All this "but I really want this" isn't going to happen on its own. You make it happen by communicating it!
My experience with a friend with benefits was amazing. Can't complain. We were totally on the same wavelength and just had fun and we're still friends to this day. Whenever we aren't in a relationship, we seek each other out. We used to go to college together. We became friends pretty quickly and had the same weird sense of humor. It ended up with us spending more and more time together. Until one day she came over to my place, just planned to hang out and watch a movie and we ended up becoming friends with benefits... while literally watching THAT movie. I joked around that I could make it work, that I didn't understand why the characters in the movie were struggling so much with it. She ended up mischievously saying to prove it. We kissed, we fucked and she spent the night.
@@jclyntoledo while that's possible, you don't need to be aromantic to want and enjoy a fwb relationship... he said they both have been in relationships since then and seek each other out when they're both single, so i doubt that's the case.
Got into Friends with benefits with my best girl-friend. Before that, we were friends for 10 years. It started fine, but soon we both catched feelings, we were not honest about them and in the end, it ended up badly.
The science checks out. However, it is worth mentioning that realistically speaking one of the two people engaging in "fwb" is using sex to get love while the other person is using love to get sex. This principle is simply human for intimacy and companion are principles of nomads. It is entirely possible for FWB to work, but in order for it to work, there is criteria to be met. High level of maturity (to handle being dumped), high level of confidence and high sense of responsability, mainly to practice safe sex to avoid an unwanted pregnancy or an std. Engage on things you can handle, know your worth. Do what you want when you want and who you want to do it with, but always keep in mind one thing, every action has a reaction. Anyone can walk away at any time. Lastly, even if you are married, it is no guarrantee your partner will stay.
I think it depends on your definition of what "works". Of course it works, but the problem is duration. Friends with benefits have to be understood in context of a time limit. It's not "if" one person will have feelings or "if" it will get messy; it's a question of how long it can remain beneficial for both parties - and importantly if one or both parties can step away respectfully before scars are formed.
As 30+ family man having been in many relationships with differing dynamics before I found my wife, I can safely say that friends with benefit will never work. The whole "friends with benefits" thing is commonly used by egotistical and emotionally-starved a-holes to gaslight their "partner" and reap the benefits of a romantic relationship but without making any of the emotional, physical, financial and mental investments needed. Anyone who says otherwise is the one being fooled or played with and need to start questioning any future decisions. FWB cannot categorized with one night stands either because FWB is having constant contact with a person.
and I thought that women falling in love with me after sex was proof that I am a great lover. Now I know it's just familiarity! Thanks for busting my ego Ana!
There's usually two outcomes of a FWB situation: She falls in love and gives you hell the second she learns you're seeing someone else. You fall in love and go through hell the second you see her with somneone else. And then give her hell too.
you have to find the right people as well with similar mindsets so you both get a mutual understanding :D you know what you both want and communicate that thoroughly.
Yeah, someone I knew tried this with me, and I was able to stay emotionally out of it, but they couldn't. Broke it off after about 4 months, and we had to take two years to re-align ourselves back to a decent friendship again. Married now, and I would def warn anyone off of something like this.
This is honestly so hard to deal with. I have been seeing this guy for the past 4 months. Both of us broke up with our exes earlier this year. I moved on sooner than he did because his relationship was longer and he was actually serious about ending up with her. I was interested in dating him and wanted to have something romantic with him. I didn't mind waiting then. Because I knew that he hadn't moved on completely. Moreover, I wanted him to explore dating so that he knew what it's like out here. Note: he had gotten out of a 6 year long relationship. He reassured me after two weeks of us first hanging out as "friends" that he had moved on and was ready to date me. I let him in. I started attaching my feelings to him. Until then, I had my own screwed way of filling that void within me by going out on multiple dates with men through online dating. All of it felt very shallow compared to the connection I had developed with him. But his feelings kept fluctuating. He was confused. He said he loved me, but a week later he wasn't so sure. I tried to keep it casual so I could still haven't him to be a part of my life. But I've finally decided to cut that romantic part of us entirely. I don't want to settle with someone who is half sure about me. If he really loved me, he wouldn't be so confused later. Now I feel lonely and I'm really contemplating if I should start serial dating again. But I know it doesn't fulfill me. I'm just willing to wait for the right relationship now. I can't do casual. It never works for me.
Another problem with this isn't necessarily the friends with benefits relationship but how we see traditional relationships as a whole. Once I disconnected the idea that 'romantic relationship = success' it made non-traditional types of relationships much easier because we're geared to think we should have made it work with that ex that was painfully unhealthy for us just because society says 'single = lonely and unlovable' and 'fwb = settling or a lack of self-respect'. Most romantic relationships will also end, so it's critical that we let go of those societal expectations that steer us into situations that could be unhealthy for us and invest more time thinking about what we want for ourselves, because as Anna said - aligned expectations is the most important thing here.
It works absolutely if you have no emotional interest in them. And only if you have zero interest in them. I have an fwb. But, I'm 35, he's 21. I got heartbroken by a 39 year old, and I am taking a hiatus on dating for the next 6-8 months. In the meantime, I have the fwb. Works out perfectly NSA for us both, as neither one of us are compatible because of the age difference. So it CAN work, but only I think in circumstances such as my own. **** That being said, I would never have an fwb with someone I have feelings for, because I would just get hurt in the end.
Well I feel like more of her point is that even if you start having no emotional interest, the longer you guys keep going the chances of someone catching feelings increases a lot.
Interestng theory you have there, thinking that age is what would cause a problem. My parents had an 18 year gap between themselves, and had a regular marriage (minus the part where my Dad kicked the bucket eventually), but never did they have issue related to how old they were. If there is some incompatibility, it's probably personality-wise. Also, I can probably vouch for this guy hoping to actually have a relationship with you, but not telling you about it so you won't get freaked out and abandoning him at a moment's notice.
@@sunflowers2469 Tbh I agree. Going into a fwb relationship right after a severe breakup seems like a terrible idea. Especially since the age gap is over a decade.
@@Ash-dj5ph Yes, people with this type of attachment tend to think of themselves as "less emotional" than others and are often very hardworking and surprizingly very imaginative. They can be uncomfortable with intimacy and dismiss emotional needs. That's my best guess on why some people are more prone to have casual sex. Also I think there are people who get attached to people way too fast and easily because they are craving it. I think about borderline people for exemple. Or people who are narcissistic and can't really fall in love BUT some people may have casual sex and not have any of these
@@thisisntallowed9560 i can understand what you are saying It depends on the person's personality and a bit on upbringing too. But have you seen other people in this comment section? Lol they are literally saying all humans have been brainwashed to be monogamous and polygamy is the perfect state🗿 what kinda statement is this?!
@@Ash-dj5ph I think it's because it's very recent that birth control was available. People don't quite know what to do with their bodies because we broke all the norms regarding sex. And there's porn and pro-prostitution people that push their narative that having sex with strangers and for money means you're somehow sexually "liberated". As if the more you have sex the more you're in control of your sexuality. And it's supposed to be cool. Yet the statistics shows that women aren't having as much fun as men during casual sex. wink wink Just because you can't explain why nature is sacred rationally doesn't mean you should act foolishly with it and treat it as a ressource. Same thing for your body, just because you don't understand why it is sacred doesn't mean you can act foolishly with it and use it for money or impulsively sharing it with strangers for whatever reasons. I am not religious btw, but I still think protecting nature is important.
@@thisisntallowed9560 I'm pro p0rn and prostitution. And I don't care what someone does with their sexuality behind the doors. But saying that every fking person has to be polygamous because monogamy is a social construct is utter bs. If I don't go around asking you about your body count then you shouldn't judge mine either. And I seriously don't understand how you could even do it with a random stranger. STDs exist and they can transfer through saliva and oral too. So how tf do you get laid without kissing? And do you know recent studies on hormonal contraceptives? If you don't then check out the t shirt study on women with and without any hormonal contraceptives. Natural hormones are really important for choosing partner and when you don't let them work, you choose the wrong partner and get divorced after you stop taking pills
what are your thoughts on this? I'm 29 he's 35 I met a guy in another state and we both had a lot of sexual chemistry and neither of us want a long distance relationship. We hooked up after a few days of knowing each other and had this unspoken fwb situation started. He knows I'm in his town every few months however, he does not text me unless he knows I will physically be in his city, I did not like that so out of the 3 times I've been to his city since we met I have never slept w/ him again. And he doesn't know why I won't sleep w/ him. Typically we are around friends so we haven't gotten a chance to talk about it as I avoid being alone with him. I have a big crush on him (I still don't want a relationship right now) but since I noticed he never tries to talk to me when I'm back home and far away from him I've decided to wait until he starts texting and calling me when I'm back in my home state before I think about sleeping with him again. At the end of the night when he asks me to go home with him I always just say "we don't know each other well enough yet" which is true but he doesn't understand b/c we hooked up that one time but that doesn't necessarily mean I'll sleep w/ him again. I had the expectation that we would become actual friends right after we initially hooked up but he never texted me until weeks before he suspected I would be back in his state. I've never had a fwb situation and I would need us to be actual friends that have a genuine bond if I were to commit to something like that. So basically whenever I'm in his city I just let him know my friend sand I are in town and he will invite his friends out to come meet us somewhere and we hang out as friends w/o the benefits. I feel like us two being just friends would just be WAY simpler at least in the beginning as we get to know each other. I just don't know if he's okay w/ this so I'll just continue in this way until he say's either he's had enough and doesn't want to meet me anymore or until he says he wants to talk about everything. I also can't tell since he's met some of my friends and I've met some of his friends if he feels he's almost invested too much to stop trying to hookup and once we hookup again it's gunna be a wrap. I really don't know and it's confusing so I just keep sex out of it until it's not confusing b/c I don't think it should be.
I’m married now to my friends with benefits. 15 years and all love. Every one is different. Every two people together is different. As a bigger picture I understand why it doesn’t usually work but idk. Did for me
It’s hard to self-analyze perfectly because it’s hard to believe I might fall in the 4% (wanting no relationship at all, after it ends). I just can’t imagine being just friends with my fwb and later having to know they’re hooking up with other people. I do have enough feelings about them that I would feel jealous and frustrated by that, but at the same time I have no desire to be in an actual relationship with this person because I recognize we aren’t really compatible in that way nor emotionally satisfying to each other. I wouldn’t expect them not to do that, and I wouldn’t feel right expressing that jealousy, so my chosen path would be just not having any kind of relationship so neither of us has to deal with that. Maybe this is just a conglomerate of all the issues I need to work on in therapy 😂😂
![I.N "HALLUCINATION" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/n5B5q1Hwt_U/mqdefault.jpg)
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
It's insane how many people settle for something they don't actually want.
Sometimes you have to acknowledge your expectations are unrealistic and adjust accordingly. You can call it settling for less, but it's just a question of how realistic you can be with yourself and what you are looking for. Young people especially tend to have pie-high insane expectations and are told to never accept anything less than what they think they deserve, but sometimes that is wrong and inappropriate and will lead to a life of sadness and loneliness. Sometimes being a little bit more realistic can get you something you can actually be very happy with after all.
Exactly! I was just telling Scarlet Johansen we can only be FWBs since I only want Selena Gomez
I think the issue is that people don't want to invest another year of being in a relationship with someone before committing to a marriage, so they settle for what they're already familiar with, rather than spending another year trying to find potential partner. Or better yet, it takes a lot of time just to fully get to know someone. If you look at your friendship circle, the good ones are often developed over the course of something such as 5 years or more. As an adult, you don't have that kind of time to fully get to know someone because you have so much other responsibilities to do. Time is money, and not everyone has time to go on dates and get to know people, only to be disappointed and felt like waste of time afterward.
@@sststr Understandable for the things that are out of one's control, because that would be unrealistic. There really is no excuse for things that are in our control like who we pick as a partner. I think part of the reason is actually because deep down, many people DON'T think that they deserve what they want, so they make excuses to settle for less. A fear of failure is another possible reason, or even a fear of rejection, fear of being alone, or just plain too lazy to put in the work. It could be impatience, because they want a connection of some kind NOW. So they settle for an ok one, instead of waiting until they find a fantastic one. Obviously none of us are perfect, so if we aren't careful and we allow ourselves, we can easily fall into something we don't want for different reasons.
@@sststr Agree, chances are you ended up with someone of a similar social value.
I literally had this conversation with my best friend. She’s letting herself be a friend with benefits with a guy because she’s in love with him even though the guy made it clear that he doesn’t want a romantic relationship.
UPDATE: That friend was actually the other girl the whole time as this guy she was in love with was using her to cheat on his actual girlfriend. Another reason why one needs to be careful getting into a friends with benefits situation. Not saying this will always be the case, but it can be a possibility, especially cause the guy in question was a damn good manipulator and liar
Oof that’s a tough one…your friend is in for a heartbreak and a lesson
@@MayaJohn I tried to warn her but it was like she ignored everything I was saying
@@Hayden_Lummus sometimes people can only learn from experience unfortunately
Man this is like every girl I met in college. They all had hopes of pulling the guy in, but the guy had so much variety in terms of sexual options and other kinds of freedom they would almost never let it happen. I was also that guy. I think it is important for ladies in college to understand that their probability of pulling in a guy by opening with casual sex is incredibly low. The probability of keeping a guy, even if you manage to pull him in, is still lower. Out of scores and scores of people, I've only seen this happen one gender direction, and never with long-term success. Those gals aren't married, or even with the same guy.
sounds like lack of self-respect and boundaries. she knows what she wants from this person but doesn't love herself enough to maintain her own boundaries. I would know, I used to be like this thinking I wasn't worthy of love so I would bend my own rules and what I was comfortable with to accommodate others needs above my own. she's definitely in for a lesson
You've got to know yourself. Not everybody is cut out for one night stands, flings or friends with benefits. Take a cold shower and focus on what's best for your long term emotional well being.
A cold shower is always the answer
An alternative is to just cut emotions completely out of your life...but that's definitely not for everyone.
@@zaklex3165 what a bleak way to live. You can't numb pain without numbing joy. Vulnerability is worth the sacrifice of a life well lived.
If one has an avoidant personality, then those are the best relationships...
@@kaylasheppard7746 I did it for 3 years, it wasn't as bad as you might think it is.
Can one hundred percent attest that communication is key. While I did catch feelings and he didn’t, we’ve still managed to remain really close friends because we talked about and still talk about everything really clearly.
I am the cool kid from Germany making videos for the USA and the rest of the world. I will make your day so don't say nay to me today, dear stel
opposite here in terms of gender, but yeah were still really close friends thanks to talking it over and good communication.
100% Instead of promising that you "won't catch feelings", acknowledge that it's not in your control and make sure you communicate if it happens and renegotiate boundaries
"Communication" is necessary, but not sufficient. It must be *honest* communication. My last relationship, she communicated a lot, but every word out of her mouth was a lie. I'd suggest that is worse than not communicating at all. She knew I was not a big talker myself, so I don't necessarily need her to do a lot of talking either, but she felt that silence was bad, so when I didn't have anything to say, she it necessary to fill in the void. Except she went out of her way to lie, even about things that were completely needless and pointless to lie about. I suspect she was a compulsive liar and had no idea she was even doing it. On the rare occasion I pointed out her... "inconsistencies", she didn't seem to realize she had ever said anything in a prior conversation different from what she was saying now, and thought I was crazy and misremembering. Except I keep a journal, so I wasn't misremembering, she either genuinely didn't know that she was pumping out non-stop lies and had some psychological disorder compelling her to do it without knowing it, or else she was the best gas-lighter ever.
He’s just not that into you…
So moral of the story: it's statistically unlikely that I, someone who already knows that I prefer and crave long-term relationships, will not find success from a fwb situation? That makes perfect sense but, alas, I'm lonely 😭
I am part of the 15% of the friends with benefits turned romantic partners and it was extremely difficult to make that transition.
For example: when we were fwb it was fun and cool to talk about the other people we were seeing. When we became exclusive, we had to work through the insecurity that came with knowing about the other people your partner was with.
Two years of being on-again-off-again fwb and two years of being exclusive partners later, feeling really fulfilled and happy in our relationship.
The more life experience you get the more you'll be able to be happy for the other person that they got to experience things that make them happy and made them the person you love now.
@@00dfm00 I agree with you. It was hard to believe that at first but now I understand.
I did friends with benefits with my 2nd ex for *3 YEARS.*
DON’T EVER DO IT. I was naive in my relationship skills, co-dependent, and heavily love bombed by him. I suffered a mental breakdown as a direct result.
Me too, girl. Never going back.
I've been on a mental and emotional breakdown spiral since my fwb i caught feelings for baited me by being in a 2 week "relationship" with me and then lied to my face in the end, leaving me on false hope/false narrative/words (manipulative asshole). My life's been feeling like it's falling apart and I stopped talking to most of my friends to self-isolate cause i couldn't trust anybody. He'll get his goddamn karma.
@@qazedc3 I’ve been there. You deserve so much better than that. Stay strong. Try to connect with the people in your life that care about you. The more you isolate, the more overwhelming your feelings with seem. It’s okay to grieve. This stranger on the internet is wishing you all the best. ❤️
@@reaganrambles1951 Thank you! 💜 I've been slowly getting back into being social selectively again.
I was actually considering my ex because I don’t want a long list of sexual partners so in this way it’ll just be him and then my future husband when I meet him.
But yeah, probably not a good idea 👀
Is it possible to "just hook up" and have it end in a relationship? Yes... is it probable... no.
That’s how my husband & I’s relationship started!
@@starhill6792 lucky you, then. One of the fortunate fairy tale ending ones
Same goes for winning the lottery
fwb would ve great for younger couples in high school or college where you want to relieve stress.
Idk why women would settle for this. You get no benefits just used
I hear you sister. I married my “one night stand”. 25 years and 6 kids later we are very happy together.
We got here by communication and connecting with each other periodically and aligning our individual and personal goals together.
You are the exception to the rule
@@kevindagod well, it probably was at first lol
@@kevindagod That’s my point, we intended it to be a friends with benefits situation, but neither one of us was satisfied with that.
lucky you, then. One of the fortunate fairy tale ending ones
@@sammyvictors2603
LOL I wish I could say it was a fairy tale ending. But those don’t exist.
It’s hard work, everyday. But it’s work I love. We have kids with disabilities, and health issues. We almost lost our son a few years ago and still soend 20-39 days a year in icu with him.
I think what’s gotten us through it is what Anna talked about. Communication is the key to any positive relationship. Romantic, friendship, work, FWB.
It’s my belief that the latter is the toughest because more often than not both parties don’t want the same thing.
I'm still struggling to get friends without benefits 😂
easier to make fwb than friends
Use the fwb strategy to make platonic friends. Hey statistically, you have a good chance (56%) of getting it. 😂
Oops 59%
Maybe if you offered benefits, you would find more?
I'm struggling to find any benefits or friends. Its a struggle just to struggle.
It is very simple. Humans tend to develop feelings and bond with other humans when they are spending a significant amount of time together (sex only enhances that process).
Usually people do this sort of stuff when they are immature and don't know how to navigate through relationships in general, or it's a post-breakup phase when they are emotionally damaged and still connected to their ex.
Everyone wants to find love, but people tend to settle for those kind of arrangements when they can't get the love they want from the other person, so they are actually "waiting for them".
I've had many fwb's over the years, and most worked perfectly for me at the time and ended naturally. While it's true that fwb relationships end, so do most romantic relationships (and even platonic friendships). The time frame is not an indication of success. Communication is definitely key.
100% agree with you. How we traditionally think of as "successful" in relationships is honestly rather limiting to me.
Thank you
Agree with you there. I am about 50/50 of it ending with staying friends. Though in terms of romantic relationships I am 0/100, so it might be the romance part that made it untennable afterwards.
Were you still friends with the person? I am hoping for a fwb situation with a friend but I value his friendship first and foremost and won't risk it for anything
@@StefanyDjuba I'm not friends with any of my past fwb's anymore. I'm still glad I went for it with my friends-turned-fwbs because our friendships took on a different meaning. Again, I'm not taking us not being friends anymore as a failure of our fwb relationship.
But if I wanted to preserve the longevity of a friendship above all else, I wouldn't risk it.
To me, it's quality over longevity, so something can be amazing for 2 years, or feel incomplete for 10 years, and I'd take the 2 years any day. But that's me.
Thank you for being open about having an STD, I have an incurable one that I’m ALWAYS honest with people about. It’s nice seeing we’re not so uncommon. Please everyone go get tested, even if you have no symptoms
I was wondering if anyone noticed it, but I glad I was not the only one who noticed it. Everyone stay safe out there.
Which one?
@@debrachambers1304 the real question we all want to know.
I don’t understand how people expect themselves to not catch feelings during an activity that’s an emotionally and physically vulnerable situation. We are more likely to be wired to want something more because of said situation. So I cannot understand how people have sex lives that are “no strings attached”. I think those situations likely end in heart break. We want to be able to feel safe and have stability with those we connect with. Which is why I don’t think sex is just a physical mechanism at all.
This. Humans are biologically engineered to lean towards monogamy. Yes there have and still are polygamous societies but those societies always face a higher degree of social instability because polygamy is just inherently more unstable because we aren’t supposed to do it as anything other than a SHTF strategy; NOT a long term foundation for a society. Even societies where polygamy is legal trend towards monogamy the moment they have to conflict in the long term with a monogamous society. My primary example is the Islamic World.
At this point I believe people are just inherently bad at knowing what they want and making descisions that would most likely benefit them in the long term.
Like if you want this long life term happiness with someone to share with, why get with people in the first place if you aren't going to commit with them?
I honestly hate it
@@genghiskhan6809 lol lifetime monogamy is not natural. Serial monogamy is.
@@genghiskhan6809 plus we don't care about all that politics
@@Yusa_Beach lol all relationship ends eventually. My parents didn't divorce but the marriage is dead as fk.
Why does “friends with benefits” imply a lack of feelings? Do people not have feelings about their friends?
It doesn't. It implies lack of desire to pursue a committed relationship beyond sex.
I think romantic feelings are what is implied here.
Ya, Anna's mixing friends with benefits with hookups, casual sexual partners and budding relationships.
All in favor of changing it to soulless sex sidekicks say I.
Exactly!
Thank you for being open and honest about STD/testing. It will help lots of people
60-90% of ppl have herpes…
I totally agree with you. She is the best
I am obsessed with those silk tops for years now .
I just wanna know where she buys them! 🙌
Personally I just don't see the point in this kind of relationship. It's like having a girlfriend and just not telling anyone. In my eyes.
I think of it as 2 person masturbation. Like what's the fun in sex without feeling the intimate and desire connection? Hmm
when did it say that you dont have to tell anyone??
@@martinacosta3821 it was a comparison. I didn't mean it literally.
@@brianmclain1955 ok, i dont see what you mean, but fair
The point: I want to have sex with a woman, but I don't want to have a girlfriend or hire a prostitute.
FWB usually ends with just friends only when one of the two still has some romantic feelings for the other but is willing to suppress those feelings . In my experience any way I could be wrong there is no definitive answer when it comes to human relationships
I think the core issue is people not being 100% honest with themselves (!!) and their partners about what they want. if the dynamic that the other person wants isn’t genuinely what you want, then that’s a very adequate reason not to pursue that relationship. even if they’re great in every other way, if your goals and desires don’t match, what’s the point? it’s a waste of everyone’s time, and you’re only setting yourself up for heartbreak and the potential loss of someone you care about if you essentially lie about your expectations. going into a “casual” situation, or hell even a traditional relationship, with mismatched expectations never works out. i think we often lie to ourselves about what we want to avoid seeming vapid or too high strung when at the end of the day, you like what you like, your expectations and desires are what they are. i feel like people would be way happier if they were okay saying “yes, this person is great, but that doesn’t mean they’re the one for me.” Or, “i love this person but what i want isn’t aligned with what they want, so maybe the time isn’t right for us and i’ll have to be okay if the right time with this person never comes.” not all relationships are meant to last forever but the relationships you do have should be fulfilling and with people that are on the same page as you. if the page changes, cool, but you can’t go into any relationship KNOWING that the dynamic isn’t what you want and expect it to work out. likewise, if your feelings begin to veer away from theirs, more people need to be okay with the concept that not all love lasts a lifetime and that’s okay. there’s more for you out there if you’re open to finding it
“It’s like Shane Dawson all over again” was where I lost it.
same!! 😂😂😂
I was shooketh when she said that
as a non-monogamous person, i can't totally agree to that for me personally. BUUUUUT, some of the people that I had this kind of relationship wanted a different "ending", so I 100% get what you're saying.
@@kevindagod polyamorus?
@@pez4 Not that I think you don’t know this, but I do feel the need to clarify (for anyone at home) that “polyamory” is a term falling under the umbrella of “non-monogamy,” not a synonym for it.
Welp, got my ridiculously pedantic correction done for the day. Thank you for your time.
Completely agree with you! 👌
@@kevindagod Oooh. I see what you're saying now. Abusive comment reported.
@@user-qv2qf1jk5o Not pedantic at all, I actually learnt something, thanks!
We are not freaking robots to be detached of our feelings 😂
Plus sex is good exactly because of the feelings. It could be a projection that you are falling for especially in short relationships like this, but let the feelings happen
We end up hurt at the end either way willing to admit it or not, every relationship hurts when it’s over no matter how long it lasted
I think the important part is to stop before it starts getting too complicated and to be honest with yourself and the other person.
It's great that you're advertising for a good cause, getting more people checked for Stis!
I think maybe the people who wanted a friendship after a FWB were happiest because you don’t expect to lose the friendship part of a FWB, since that’s typically what you started with, so when it happens it can be the most crushing part.
I always knew FWBs are such a slippery slope and nearly never works as I had intended but I didn't know the exact science behind it so thank you Anna!
I think it can also (at least partially) be explained by attachment theory. People who have "success" with FWB are more likely to be avoidant, while those who are "failing" by catching feelings are more likely to be anxious. Funny enough though, FWB can never work in the long-term because if it's an avoidant person and an anxious person, then the anxious person will always develop feelings. And if somehow an avoidant starts FWB with another avoidant, eventually they'll just drift apart and stop doing it. Maybe they'll go back to just being friends, maybe not.
Yes that’s very true, but also I think statistically more men are avoidant than women, due to cultural influences, so this often ends up being a gender imbalance. Women have to stop forgetting their own needs just to get a man’s attention. Also avoidant people in general can just trigger anxious attachment in people who are otherwise securely attached. So it’s better to just communicate directly and get that secure relationship from the beginning (even if its FWB it can still be secure if you communicate boundaries clearly…although I suppose an avoidant person would avoid doing that or just lie which is unhealthy and harmful).
@@rtmusicvideos431 yes unless a woman is emotionally numb or avoidant. She can lie or trick herself all she wants after sleeping with a man she’ll get attached he doesn’t revenge have to be cute or have the personality she was looking for. Men do not bond emotionally from sex. It’s really in a woman’s best interest not to sleep with a man it really blonds your emotions and makes you lifetime female crazy
@@rtmusicvideos431 spoiler alert : it's not cultural
I got into one. I’m glad to say that I didn’t catch any feelings but it was a waste of time and mental energy. I potentially lost a friend because of the bad choices I’ve made while I was in a FWB. It was like I was leading two different lives and I started feeling icky about myself. I just wanted to have fun, to be distracted but long term it’s the worst idea ever.
Lesson learned, don’t settle for anything less.
Everytime Anna uploads my day immediately gets better
I've had multiple friends with benefits and we always remain close friends. The secret is to genuinely care for each other and to communicate a lot. I was recently invited to the wedding of one of them.
So.. you have a friend with benefit that was in a relationship?
@@Coralinan I think they were fwb before that relationship.
@@Coralinan She met her now husband last year. Our relationship ended way before that.
I smell something fishy
@@chiamakadoris2262 I don't want to make a joke about personal hygiene but this is making it really hard.
Anna, you're not alone in this! it doesn't work for me either, I develop really deep feelings and - what I believe to be - healthy attachment. I also believe there are several biological reasons and benefits to this experience, even though it doesn't look like it is the mainstream trend.
One of my favorite youtubers, and I don’t like very many nowadays, but you’ve always stayed entertaining, humorous, and educational all at once and I admire it very much. Stay golden, beautiful☺️❤️🙏
You are so beautiful
watching anna's videos is such a healing process no cap
As long as you can detach your feelings from the physical intimacy, it can definitely work. Open communication is key and a set of boundaries for yourself and your partner really helps.
I don't think you should enter a purely sexual relationship if you need to detach your feelings to do it; you will be hurting both yourself, and your partner
@@rosemary709 that’s the whole point of a fwb. You’re friends-just kickin it plus having sex. As long as you guys can hang and be able to have sex without taking it to the next step of having feelings for them it definitely works.
I think FWB relationships can work in that context! But I also think they’re not meant to last a long time. Fun situation but always short term
I've got 2 friends online that I got lucky with before & we're still connected
The thing is that whether you want it or not you will be producing hormones during the sex, so most people can't completely detach their feelings from it. One thing is just endorphins, but you make oxytocin which directly influences your feelings and memory. For example it reduces the negative feelings and memories of pain after childbirth so women don't experience it as traumatic, and can bond with the baby. But in case of sex it makes it much easier to bond with the person you're doing the act with. They're also important in rebound sex or makeup sex.
I had one friend with benefits that was wonderful. We'd have great sex, watch anime. But there was never any expectation of romance, just friendship. And it ended naturally. We're still friends today.
How did it end if I may ask?
If you aren't non-monogamous, then you just ruined your friendship because if you or your friend gets into a romantic relationship, your/their SO is never going to be okay with you being alone together, knowing that you and your friend are sexually attracted to one another. I bet you didn't think about how it would effect your future because you only thought about having sex.
@@endcorruption993 They already said it ended and they're still friends, what are you talking about? No friendship was ruined. If people trust their partners, they will be fine with their partner being friends with someone they had history with. If you're insecure and worry about your partner finding their friend sexually attractive, that's a you problem
@@wolfferoni I am aroace and never had any type of relationship whatsoever so I'm not self-projecting. You can say that people just need to trust that their partner will not hookup with the friend they engaged in fwb with but those are just words and words don’t always translate into reality. There are people whom use fwb as a means of cheating on their partner and the people whom have been cheated on in that instance is never going to be okay with dating someone who has engaged in fwb. Also, how do you plan on communicating with someone whom has been cheated on multiple times that you aren't going to hookup with your friend behind their back? I have done research into fwb and looked at numerous long-term studies and I know how the human brain functions.
@@wolfferoni Do your own research via Google Scholarly.
The cringy doctor act was everything 👌🏼
Overall I've had better fwb relationships than romantic relationships. The key is openness, space, and acting in good faith. The only fwb relationship I've had that ended poorly was with a coworker (so kinda hard to give each other space) who only disclosed the parts of the truth that would get her what she wanted (no openness), and tried to lawyer her actions to be *technically within* what we've agreed to while disrespecting boundaries (no acting in good faith). The ending of that friendship (and its benefits) was as bitter as any relationship breakup I've been through
Friends with benefits, one night stands. One day you are proud of that and later on you hit THE WALL and you will be asking yourself why nobody wants you.
"Its like Shane D. all over again" OMG
I am sorry but a study with only 168 people is ... simply to low to make meaningful predictions out of it. Now that friends with befits can be extremely frustrating/not working for many is definitely a truth and the std test thing is soooo important. But studies with such small sample sizes if the whole is so much bigger (we are talking about millions of people here after all) are to be viewed quite critical.
The small sample size is an issue but also the lack of reproduction. Studies need to be done multiple times by multiple people in order to prove the first set of results was valid.
Though I think the science behind the familiarity principle is already solid.
Yeah unfortunately there are also NOT a lot of studies on it!! WE NEED MORE
Well actually for a longitudinal studie in psychology, the sample size is quite okay .. however.. the results should indeed also be reproduced in other studies. So i think that’s a bigger problem. However it’s still interesting.
In order for this to work, both people have to be upfront and honest about what they want. My friends w benefits situation has gone strong for 4 years. I know she wants a long term relationship and is looking for a boyfriend or husband eventually. We talk about our lives, issues, etc. and try to help each other in ways besides just sex. I've helped her start a real estate side business and I'm even her wingman and have tried to help her out with men. If one person is selfish in the this type of relationship, it won't work.
Selfish how? Like if one person starts developing feelings would that make them selfish? That’s usually what ends the fwb is feelings being caught. That or boundaries being crossed.
@@brittanysmith3716 Selfish meaning one person only wants sex and doesn't really care about the other person other than that. It should be that you're there to give to each other.
If I became the women's boyfriend and I found you were her friend or fwb she's not my gf anymore
@@mustyrious If she was thinking of dating you exclusively, I wouldn't meet her anymore, but I'd be happy for both of you. She deserves to find what she's looking for.
Years ago, I helped find my 1st fwb a boyfriend. I even introduced him to her knowing she wanted a full time boyfriend. She and I don't meet anymore unless he's there to go out to dinner as friends (which we do once a month as requested by them). He knows about our past, but he and I are cool because I show them both respect.
@@toddspangler6669 bro your just yapping
In my opinion, Soul ties are what mainly kills FWB relationships. Sex is not just a purely physical act. It’s also spiritual. That’s why things become so emotional when a breakup occurs. When it happens, it’s like ripping apart your 2 souls with one person being left with a pieces of the other’s heart similar to 2 pieces of wood that were once glued together then pried apart.
I've had a few FWBs in my life. It can work if you are able to make it work for your needs and the needs of others.
Aromantizism is a thing. Some people just aren't romantic deep down. FWB can be a safe way having a sexual connection and taking care of your sexual needs without a romantic relationship
Hey Anna!
That was super cool and supportive of you at the end with the whole STI support program. That can be an uncomfortable conversation, but more people should have it (everyone actually) and you were super chill about. Wish more people were!
Hope you're living your best life 😊
Friends with benefits is more aptly labeled, 'sex acquaintances' most times because the actual friendship part is often missing.
Genuine friendships with sexual intimacy are a thing too. Just know and communicate what each of you is seeking before, during, after, continually and if things change.
And sometimes it's not sexual intimacy one truly wants but aromantic skinship like hugs and cuddles. Most people are touched starved and just subconsciously seeking another to co regulate sympathetic nervous systems together. But because of our culture we feel that can only come from a sexual or commited relationship.
In some other cultures it's normal to have group cuddle sessions with your friends regardless of gender, sex and sexual orientation.
was in an on-again-off-again friends with benefits relationship with a guy for about 3 years. I didn't catch feelings but the way he dumped me or cut me off everytime he got a new girlfriend, broke my heart because it made me feel worthless and not capable of being loved. Yes, I was a naive 22 year old lol.
The only way to make FWB work is to be honest & open about feelings, desires & needs. To set rules & stick to them.
I'm very open
Yes, rules are very important. Specially rules for your self. I been in a FWB for over 10 years, in fact conversations about feelings should be avoid. There should not be any personal conversations at all. The only conversations that should be happening is sexual desires and needs.
You can make it work for a few years at most.
Feelings don't follow rules.
@@gumdeo Finally, someone who thinks with what's in between their shoulders instead of what's in between their legs.
Different strokes for different folks, I have a few friends with benefits situations in my past and the majority worked out awesomely.
are we going to just ignore the fact, that the contract was about purely sexual relationship with a cat?
All Congress heard was "Fish".
I was wondering the same thing lmaoo
Lol
The fact that this came out the day I've been questions my fwb relationship 💀
I think it's different for everyone. I've had friends with benefits before and am okay not getting attached, but since I seek a long term relationship; I normally avoid fwb unless desperate and lonely lol. While I'm not a big fan of them, I will say there is 1 benefit I did notice is that when I have a friend with benefits, it's similar to being in a relationship in the sense that since you have someone to fulfill your needs, your less desperate at the time and your confidence is higher which in turn can increase the amount of attention you get. Tldr? Basically, I noticed more girls show interest in me while I'm in a relationship OR have a friend with benefits which...if it's the latter of the two, it's not a bad thing since you're technically single and it can help you potentially find someone easier. Great vid as always tho!
It sometimes or most often never works, but I have had two in my 20s that lasted a couple of years who were great. We're still friends. The thing that made it work was 100% honesty about expectations, wants, who else we were seeing, etc. Just completely transparent honesty. I think when people have hidden expectations and wants, it doesn't work or if people lie to get into the situation, it doesn't work.
I believe it typically fails for women more often cause they tend to only want to sleep with people they somewhat like. Weird to think a man could sleep with someone he doesn't like but it happens. So shes likely to develop feelings while he doesn't. Separation of sex and intimacy. So if you want to improve your chances at fwb just sleep with someone you have 0 attraction for at jump and itll lower your chances of liking them
This get checked idea is sooo good!! I myself get exams every 6 months but a lot of people don't do it because of lines and because it's time consuming. I hope more countries do that, I can't use it so I have to keep doing my way, but I loved the idea!
Meh it works for me... I've had FwB and the key has always been very clear intent and communication and no feelings attached. If feelings get involved, you get real honest and either date or end things. No in between. I'm still good friends with my prior FwB and there's never been complications or drama. 🤷🏽♀️
Oh boy, here we go with the "communication is key" non-sense. How about you control your sexual urges until you find someone you love? Did you even get the "friend" tested for STDs?
She had me at Shane Dawson 😂😂😂😂
Who is that?... I didn't get that joke :(
@@vtr0104 He is a youtuber, there were rumors about him doing sexual things to his cat.
Ikr, I thought more people would mention it
I know right that was so funny!
Michelle‘s and Melissa‘s acting in the sience ketch killed me XD !
Every time I hear stats like these I just go: "Talk to people!" Communication is not that hard! Just be honest about what you want, what you're willing and able to compromise on and keep checking in. All this "but I really want this" isn't going to happen on its own. You make it happen by communicating it!
My experience with a friend with benefits was amazing. Can't complain. We were totally on the same wavelength and just had fun and we're still friends to this day. Whenever we aren't in a relationship, we seek each other out.
We used to go to college together. We became friends pretty quickly and had the same weird sense of humor. It ended up with us spending more and more time together. Until one day she came over to my place, just planned to hang out and watch a movie and we ended up becoming friends with benefits... while literally watching THAT movie. I joked around that I could make it work, that I didn't understand why the characters in the movie were struggling so much with it. She ended up mischievously saying to prove it. We kissed, we fucked and she spent the night.
Yeeeshhhh....😬😬you sure you didn't expect it??
@@faakor4671 I wonder if one of them was aromantic 🤔
@@jclyntoledo while that's possible, you don't need to be aromantic to want and enjoy a fwb relationship... he said they both have been in relationships since then and seek each other out when they're both single, so i doubt that's the case.
Got into Friends with benefits with my best girl-friend. Before that, we were friends for 10 years. It started fine, but soon we both catched feelings, we were not honest about them and in the end, it ended up badly.
The science checks out. However, it is worth mentioning that realistically speaking one of the two people engaging in "fwb" is using sex to get love while the other person is using love to get sex. This principle is simply human for intimacy and companion are principles of nomads. It is entirely possible for FWB to work, but in order for it to work, there is criteria to be met. High level of maturity (to handle being dumped), high level of confidence and high sense of responsability, mainly to practice safe sex to avoid an unwanted pregnancy or an std. Engage on things you can handle, know your worth. Do what you want when you want and who you want to do it with, but always keep in mind one thing, every action has a reaction. Anyone can walk away at any time. Lastly, even if you are married, it is no guarrantee your partner will stay.
You present so well, it is amazing. Truly a pleasure to watch, from voice to visage.
It's a sad truth, but I think you are right, someone will get hurt 😶 But I hope everyone does what makes them happy
I think it depends on your definition of what "works". Of course it works, but the problem is duration. Friends with benefits have to be understood in context of a time limit. It's not "if" one person will have feelings or "if" it will get messy; it's a question of how long it can remain beneficial for both parties - and importantly if one or both parties can step away respectfully before scars are formed.
As an educator I appreciate you make entertaining educational videos.
As 30+ family man having been in many relationships with differing dynamics before I found my wife, I can safely say that friends with benefit will never work. The whole "friends with benefits" thing is commonly used by egotistical and emotionally-starved a-holes to gaslight their "partner" and reap the benefits of a romantic relationship but without making any of the emotional, physical, financial and mental investments needed. Anyone who says otherwise is the one being fooled or played with and need to start questioning any future decisions. FWB cannot categorized with one night stands either because FWB is having constant contact with a person.
I wish this was longer! I really enjoyed the familiarity principle part
Nice to hear someone with experience say this out loud. Sad, of course, that you had to go through that, for us to learn from it.
FWB is just a male version of the friendzone
I made it work all my life. Different strokes for different folks.
Rather have an open relationship that a "commited" one that ends up in cheating
I suspect that a friends with "Benefits" relationship could work provided both parties had a very high degree of emotional maturity.
Communication and aligned expectations are key I hope I used aligned right ✅
Sounds correct to me!
Very true
and I thought that women falling in love with me after sex was proof that I am a great lover.
Now I know it's just familiarity!
Thanks for busting my ego Ana!
Claim your “here within an hour” ticket right here
Here
Here
I can actually claim it.
Claim!! Plz send my prize
@@justanotherweirdo11 how do we get our prize ?
There's usually two outcomes of a FWB situation: She falls in love and gives you hell the second she learns you're seeing someone else. You fall in love and go through hell the second you see her with somneone else. And then give her hell too.
you have to find the right people as well with similar mindsets so you both get a mutual understanding :D you know what you both want and communicate that thoroughly.
I’m sorry. The 90s science documentary part was soooooo goooood
Yeah, someone I knew tried this with me, and I was able to stay emotionally out of it, but they couldn't. Broke it off after about 4 months, and we had to take two years to re-align ourselves back to a decent friendship again. Married now, and I would def warn anyone off of something like this.
This is honestly so hard to deal with. I have been seeing this guy for the past 4 months. Both of us broke up with our exes earlier this year. I moved on sooner than he did because his relationship was longer and he was actually serious about ending up with her. I was interested in dating him and wanted to have something romantic with him. I didn't mind waiting then. Because I knew that he hadn't moved on completely. Moreover, I wanted him to explore dating so that he knew what it's like out here.
Note: he had gotten out of a 6 year long relationship.
He reassured me after two weeks of us first hanging out as "friends" that he had moved on and was ready to date me. I let him in. I started attaching my feelings to him. Until then, I had my own screwed way of filling that void within me by going out on multiple dates with men through online dating. All of it felt very shallow compared to the connection I had developed with him.
But his feelings kept fluctuating. He was confused. He said he loved me, but a week later he wasn't so sure. I tried to keep it casual so I could still haven't him to be a part of my life. But I've finally decided to cut that romantic part of us entirely. I don't want to settle with someone who is half sure about me. If he really loved me, he wouldn't be so confused later. Now I feel lonely and I'm really contemplating if I should start serial dating again. But I know it doesn't fulfill me. I'm just willing to wait for the right relationship now. I can't do casual. It never works for me.
I, too, have gone to social contract court with my cat. 😂😂😂
That was so cute, I loved it
Another problem with this isn't necessarily the friends with benefits relationship but how we see traditional relationships as a whole. Once I disconnected the idea that 'romantic relationship = success' it made non-traditional types of relationships much easier because we're geared to think we should have made it work with that ex that was painfully unhealthy for us just because society says 'single = lonely and unlovable' and 'fwb = settling or a lack of self-respect'. Most romantic relationships will also end, so it's critical that we let go of those societal expectations that steer us into situations that could be unhealthy for us and invest more time thinking about what we want for ourselves, because as Anna said - aligned expectations is the most important thing here.
It works absolutely if you have no emotional interest in them. And only if you have zero interest in them. I have an fwb. But, I'm 35, he's 21. I got heartbroken by a 39 year old, and I am taking a hiatus on dating for the next 6-8 months. In the meantime, I have the fwb. Works out perfectly NSA for us both, as neither one of us are compatible because of the age difference. So it CAN work, but only I think in circumstances such as my own. **** That being said, I would never have an fwb with someone I have feelings for, because I would just get hurt in the end.
I'm so sorry for what happened
Well I feel like more of her point is that even if you start having no emotional interest, the longer you guys keep going the chances of someone catching feelings increases a lot.
Interestng theory you have there, thinking that age is what would cause a problem. My parents had an 18 year gap between themselves, and had a regular marriage (minus the part where my Dad kicked the bucket eventually), but never did they have issue related to how old they were.
If there is some incompatibility, it's probably personality-wise. Also, I can probably vouch for this guy hoping to actually have a relationship with you, but not telling you about it so you won't get freaked out and abandoning him at a moment's notice.
@@TheMessenger212 ty. The 39 yr old completely gutted me. Hence, why I'm taking a long hiatus on dating. Just not sex. Lol.
@@sunflowers2469 Tbh I agree. Going into a fwb relationship right after a severe breakup seems like a terrible idea. Especially since the age gap is over a decade.
it perfectly works, when u know what u r doing. ive done it plenty of times.
he’s not your friend & he’s the only one who benefits
wisdom.
Ouch! That's nasty.....if it doesn't work then call it off..
skill issue
Real
Yeah agreed on the skill issue. Most guys don't know what they're doing. But if he does, she'll benefit too believe me lol.
The fact that RUclips recommended this to me!
Perfect timing!!!
Anna always be coming in clutch with these relevant vids of our current situations
I believe people who engage in casual sex or sex "without intimacy" are people who have avoidant attachment style.
I agree with you. They just try to fill the void without taking the responsibilities of the relationship
@@Ash-dj5ph Yes, people with this type of attachment tend to think of themselves as "less emotional" than others and are often very hardworking and surprizingly very imaginative. They can be uncomfortable with intimacy and dismiss emotional needs.
That's my best guess on why some people are more prone to have casual sex.
Also I think there are people who get attached to people way too fast and easily because they are craving it. I think about borderline people for exemple.
Or people who are narcissistic and can't really fall in love
BUT some people may have casual sex and not have any of these
@@thisisntallowed9560 i can understand what you are saying
It depends on the person's personality and a bit on upbringing too.
But have you seen other people in this comment section? Lol they are literally saying all humans have been brainwashed to be monogamous and polygamy is the perfect state🗿 what kinda statement is this?!
@@Ash-dj5ph I think it's because it's very recent that birth control was available. People don't quite know what to do with their bodies because we broke all the norms regarding sex. And there's porn and pro-prostitution people that push their narative that having sex with strangers and for money means you're somehow sexually "liberated". As if the more you have sex the more you're in control of your sexuality. And it's supposed to be cool. Yet the statistics shows that women aren't having as much fun as men during casual sex. wink wink
Just because you can't explain why nature is sacred rationally doesn't mean you should act foolishly with it and treat it as a ressource. Same thing for your body, just because you don't understand why it is sacred doesn't mean you can act foolishly with it and use it for money or impulsively sharing it with strangers for whatever reasons. I am not religious btw, but I still think protecting nature is important.
@@thisisntallowed9560 I'm pro p0rn and prostitution. And I don't care what someone does with their sexuality behind the doors.
But saying that every fking person has to be polygamous because monogamy is a social construct is utter bs. If I don't go around asking you about your body count then you shouldn't judge mine either.
And I seriously don't understand how you could even do it with a random stranger. STDs exist and they can transfer through saliva and oral too. So how tf do you get laid without kissing?
And do you know recent studies on hormonal contraceptives? If you don't then check out the t shirt study on women with and without any hormonal contraceptives. Natural hormones are really important for choosing partner and when you don't let them work, you choose the wrong partner and get divorced after you stop taking pills
I feel like “friends with benefits” is an aromantic concept, and that view frames it
This type of relationship never works. Feelings always get in the way
It does work but it needs a lot of coummunication and self awareness
Try telling that to Two FWB Women I know. One international and one from the States and everyone is happy what we have for several years now.
what are your thoughts on this?
I'm 29 he's 35
I met a guy in another state and we both had a lot of sexual chemistry and neither of us want a long distance relationship. We hooked up after a few days of knowing each other and had this unspoken fwb situation started. He knows I'm in his town every few months however, he does not text me unless he knows I will physically be in his city, I did not like that so out of the 3 times I've been to his city since we met I have never slept w/ him again. And he doesn't know why I won't sleep w/ him. Typically we are around friends so we haven't gotten a chance to talk about it as I avoid being alone with him. I have a big crush on him (I still don't want a relationship right now) but since I noticed he never tries to talk to me when I'm back home and far away from him I've decided to wait until he starts texting and calling me when I'm back in my home state before I think about sleeping with him again. At the end of the night when he asks me to go home with him I always just say "we don't know each other well enough yet" which is true but he doesn't understand b/c we hooked up that one time but that doesn't necessarily mean I'll sleep w/ him again. I had the expectation that we would become actual friends right after we initially hooked up but he never texted me until weeks before he suspected I would be back in his state.
I've never had a fwb situation and I would need us to be actual friends that have a genuine bond if I were to commit to something like that. So basically whenever I'm in his city I just let him know my friend sand I are in town and he will invite his friends out to come meet us somewhere and we hang out as friends w/o the benefits.
I feel like us two being just friends would just be WAY simpler at least in the beginning as we get to know each other. I just don't know if he's okay w/ this so I'll just continue in this way until he say's either he's had enough and doesn't want to meet me anymore or until he says he wants to talk about everything.
I also can't tell since he's met some of my friends and I've met some of his friends if he feels he's almost invested too much to stop trying to hookup and once we hookup again it's gunna be a wrap. I really don't know and it's confusing so I just keep sex out of it until it's not confusing b/c I don't think it should be.
I am 45 years old. I got married at age 38. Before that, I had many successful FWBs.
To say anything “never” works is just short-sighted.
My friends with benefits always works, might have something to do with being polyamorous and not afraid to talk sincerely 🤔
Thats amazing
@Leonine I don't know if you're trying to say something, but it's been working for 10 years so I don't think it won't work for another 10
Where was this vid when I needed ittttttt
Very informative Anna did it again xoxo
It works for my wife and I.
Bruh....
“Friends with benefits doesn’t work because your feelings will get in the way.”
*Laughs in aromatic.*
I’m married now to my friends with benefits. 15 years and all love. Every one is different. Every two people together is different. As a bigger picture I understand why it doesn’t usually work but idk. Did for me
I got emotionally attached and it hurted me how he didn't want anything even if he was so sweet to me so I had to cut him off for my own well being.
It’s hard to self-analyze perfectly because it’s hard to believe I might fall in the 4% (wanting no relationship at all, after it ends). I just can’t imagine being just friends with my fwb and later having to know they’re hooking up with other people. I do have enough feelings about them that I would feel jealous and frustrated by that, but at the same time I have no desire to be in an actual relationship with this person because I recognize we aren’t really compatible in that way nor emotionally satisfying to each other. I wouldn’t expect them not to do that, and I wouldn’t feel right expressing that jealousy, so my chosen path would be just not having any kind of relationship so neither of us has to deal with that. Maybe this is just a conglomerate of all the issues I need to work on in therapy 😂😂
This is my favorite anthropomorphic personification of science ever.