Theo Von - Me and Darryl Strawberry - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored
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- Опубликовано: 15 мар 2018
- During a cocaine-fueled night of partying with a taxi driver, Theo Von begins to reconsider the way he's been living his life.
More Theo Von on RUclips: / theovon
This Is Not Happening airs Fridays at 12a/11c on Comedy Central. 
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Looking for more This Is Not Happening? Check out comedians’ wildest drug stories here: ruclips.net/p/PLD7nPL1U-R5pl-EsIsmgZTuS0t3Tm6EV8
I'm looking for new episodes featuring Ari Shaffir
I s😴😮😮😮
@@gimlisbeardcomb 0
Gang
@@ricksanchez3077 thank you
“Ever wander into a sentence and wonder how do i get out of it?!” -Theo 😂😂😂
Too often 😂
I’m not the brightest bowl …. In the bowl …drawer 😂
Bowl drawl
Golden
"Admire is when somebody's better than you, but you still like 'em...it's an old fashioned idea"
So much truth in this man's humor.
Why did you just write what he said
@@nelf4830 Because it meant something to him.
He actually said" its an old fashioned ideal!"
@@nelf4830 first week on RUclips?
Juanita Stew legit 😂 he is adding to the meaning of the quote hahahaha
What a strong storyteller, what a comedian, what a human!!
This comment perfectly encapsulates him tbh
What a handsome 😎
He’s a living legend. I underestimated him initially 😮
Theo Von’s the kinda dude to send genuinely nice texts to his homies and type the whole thing out with only his pointer finger
Bro 💀 violation
😂😂
Underrated comment
BRO
What finger are you meant to use
"...ive always just felt uncomfortable..."
is anxiety in a nutshell. i feel for you theo
The feeling that gets a lot of teenagers into drugs
@@P-Atonement cant wait for my ketamine to arrive in the mail :)
@@OhhSlash bro lets link and do k what kinda of music u like
Big pharma
Yeah relate to that so much
Theo knows people perceive him as dumb and he uses it to his advantage. Brilliant.
Smarter than he looks. Better than looking smarter than are you!
The blessing of being intelligent and keeping your southern accent. It kills crowds.
@@bushhippie7372 hes also hispanic
@@darrylwayne1292 really???
@@rxcaden Nicaraguan father
“She called me a creep and a pervert, and I’m definitely not a creep.”😂😂😂
I’m confused how she puts her head in his lap and doesn’t expect that.
I hope she comes across this bit.
@@followdanger890I think from her point of view he just killed the mood (like she probably wanted him to ask for a bj or somn and he looked uncool/unattractive when he tried to kiss her in an awkward position) and chicks that act like this lash out when they don't get their way exactly how they envisioned it ngl (narcissism)
No one at all talking about the “Cokestopher Columbus” line?
This is a world class story. Pure brilliance.
Just landed on crack ROCK!!
im not the brightest bowl in the bowl drawer,lmao!!
He's a genius
I use all of his quotes as if they're mine when in bars
@@braydendulaney6192 Yikes
"My friends are alcoholics and I'm competitive..." lmfao
i can feel
ognjen puljak the best lol. I died
Rehabs for quitters
Damd it.
My friend once bet me that I couldn't finish a 750 of whiskey in under four hours. I finished it in 2 hours, had a 6-pack of beer afterwards, and still haven't collected on that fucking bet.
"Not the brightest bowl in the bowl drawer..." 😂😂😂 Case in point. This was hilarious.
who puts their bowls in a drawer.. amiright..?
I agree
...so... I...should do... away with the bowl drawer...?!..?
OMG, so that's why I'm still single.....
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣🤣😂
(...but we're all on the same page about glass, cup and coffee mugs right...? Always keep them in the drawer closest to the sink.....) bahaha
Andrew Wayne Stramel you’re single because of the way you type shit out 😂
😂😂😂
Theo seems like the guy that goes out for a pack of smokes on a regular teusday and comes back 3 days later with one shoe, no shirt, no wallet, keys or phone. And he probably had the time of his life and made some new friends. Such a laid back dude.
And got HPV and hepatitis...
All the time before the pandemic
Teusday
And smiling 😂 the best kind of people
@@vladislavno lol just noticed that 😂😂
“You out there middle of the night... slangin that canal”
His vocabulary is a work of art
This man is a vocabulary genius.
Tony Brown I know right? If he was a rapper, there would be no competition
@@salr1473 well that means Eminem would be the greatest comedian lol
A couple of dueling cocainists. 😂
@@badmeetsevilfan1 🤣
technically hes vocabulary Incompetent so bad that it seems genius hahaha
"Where the FuCK is the dRiVer bruh....and he didn't know" Shit had me dying man 😂
This is my favorite line 😂
Theo talking about feeling uncomfortable literally all the time and just wanting to feel okay is something that I can't even begin to express how much I relate to. I haven't watched him in anything until now and knowing that someone else was able to get up on stage and share that kind of thing is so helpful. I feel silly for not watching him sooner.
It hit me hard that someone else even felt like that. It's how I feel all the time and always have. I'm sorry that u feel the same way but it's almost comforting that someone else understands it.
@@meredithgrubb4497 of course, you have all my support ❤️ I hope things can get better for us
When people say things like this to me after sets it’s the absolute best
💯💯
Crazy cuz i think most of us can relate to it but yet still will feel uncomfortable
"This is a marvelous accoutrement for the city" 🤣
He's so straight up unapologetically southern
sahalanimation good ole Mandeville, LA
And like real Southerners too, not the fake ass accent, 10 gallon hat wearing jackoffs, that are country music southern.
Bailey Murray thats what wik says but im pretty sure hes from cov
He's not from the south though. Louisiana isn't the south. It's its own thing. It's backwoods combined with French combined with crazy. We don't claim them.
@Burnintreez321 Why don't you & "pnut3844able" get a room, jeez. You're not the arbiters of who's southern or not, lmao. Also, if we don't want to claim Louisiana, then we'll have to disregard Florida as well, that's for sure... Face it, a lot of us are crazy & have earned our reputations. But we're also known for southern charm & being welcoming. Show Theo some respect; he's pretty cool *and* hilarious.
“Can’t feel my face with either hand. Highest I can feel is my neck. I’m running on neck thoughts” 😂 😂 💀 💀
The audience really, really underappreciated the "neck thoughts" line smh
dont get it
@@customerguy8581 hcvv. Ibpvjjiojjjjjjjj hiuiuvu
Iyyyyyyyyyy
You know
"The light rustlings of a blow job, just simmering up into existence"
That was so poetic! 😂
Theo Von's humor just hits different
By far one of the most unique comedians
"Weed is a confusing spice..."
-Theo Von
I'm quitting for that reason. Shits too spicy.
Weed is not a spice
😂😂😂
@@vodkacannon
Fuck you, the hell it isn't!
A nice og, carboxylized, and added to a good sauce (spaghetti sauce), absolutely magnificent.
A nice soft sativa dominant Maui Wowie trainwreck or Jack Herrera mix toasted onto some garlic bread... "Insert stereotypical Italian food saying expressing excellence here"
@@andrewactingwayne I don't even know much about culinary with marijuana besides brownies and cookies, and I can vouch for what you just said. Just weed on its own is fucking delicious as long as it's proper bud
"99% of the time, this don't end heterosexually", lmao.....love it
I need the timestamp
Theo is criminally underrated, this man is absolutely hilarious and his word play is unique
"out late at night, slangin that canal" HAHAHAHAHA
It’s crazy. His cocaine story with the taxi driver I have heard him tell three times. It’s hilarious every time I hear it. Dudes amazing at telling stories
Haha Same.
Heard it at Diaz and Rogan.
But You can tell, he’s telling the truth because he’s telling the little details are coming back in the story.
I like this dude and his story telling quality.
Same man , same
He’s one of a kind. Top ten of all time
I've listened to this probably 6 or 7 times it's So funny
@@sniper8459 Yep unlike Joey Diaz tho, you can tell Theo is telling the truth. Everything that comes out of Joey Diaz mouth is bulls**t, he's the biggest liar and he's bad at it too. His lies are obvious lies that would fall apart if anyone questioned him.
"Weed is a confusing spice."
Lol! Gawd I love this guy.
This is one of the most brilliant pieces of stand up ever performed. The mastery of twisted English and story is amazing.
That's all for naught
Twisted English? That's insulting to my southern brethren. 😂
I can't imagine staring at a comedians back the entire set!
@@donaldcaldwell2135 he’s not. If he was, you’d be able to see his reflection and you can’t.
@@donaldcaldwell2135 nah he turns around at one point and makes a face to the audience behind him that he made to the audience in front of him to make sure they saw it too
Brightest bowl in the....bowl drawer.
Still use it to this day randomly . Always elicits a good laugh and question
I had to pause it so funny lol
You ever wander into a sentence and you're like, "HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE?!"
Yeah ... I didn't think I'd ever hear anything more funny. .. Then he said "99% of the time that don't end heterosexually.
I have 2 Tickets to Theo Von at The Wilbur Theatre in Boston March 8th I gotta get rid of People going fell through! Interested message me on Instagram @GodIsMyJudgeLockard decent seats in the MEZZA section. Onward.
Theo "You Know" Von
TheNebraska402 that’s crazy, but have you ever tried DMT?
@@nono-xw6qd you cant get that shit in Nebraska:/
I don’t think many ppl even picked up on his “just a newborn rabbit just hoppin’ed upon a gram” wordplay it sounded to smooth.
"Tute get mad when you call her a pros" lollll
I love the way he pronounces "pervert".
TriviaBot definitely not a creep
it souded so classy, like pevèrt
And vehicle
Guy's a prevert on his way
TriviaBot per vert cx
“He was bi-language”
-Theo Von
Bi-language is gorgeous.
He said bi-lingish. 6:46
@Hen. Jamz okay? I guess Theo Von didn't think that would be funny. It's called a joke.
I litrelly read this as he said it haha
Wow you fucked that up.
I'm not even going to front but when he said "I don't even want to feel good just set me in the middle" I felt it on a whole new level
Man, this dude is probably the funniest comedian I've ever heard.
"You can't, NOT finish your cocaine bro." Theo from the real world dropping science.
what do they put in it? Cigarettes?
thank you! i knew i knew this guy and i was thinking real world, but then i was like "really". fuck, havent seen this guy since that show i think.
@@masashake86 he's not from real world he's from road rules. Two very different shows both mtv though.
That whole paragraph about him finishing his cocaine"..because you can't NOT finish your cocaine..." Are the truest damn words EVER spoken...
@@SpitFactsAndThenDontReply brooooooo! youre right! whatever, but road rules was better for sure.
"What do they put in it, cigarettes?"
Had me dying! 😆😆😆💀
One of the funniest men alive right now. Appreciate him while he's here, at his peak.
“Just set me in the middle” that resonates with me so deeply
"What a marvelous accoutrement to the city!" LOL.
Luigi out there watching this getting all those much needed answers from that night
Fuck I just remembered that night I stole a cab and then a comedian got in.
every line of this is gold. i consistently come back to it for laughs, it's got so much replay value.
Just the way Theo talks and how he delivers everything is funny all by itself.
Knock a woman up. Knock a woman down. Olé Janet.
Haha damn too real
That might be my favorite line! And how he emphasizes the word "down" makes me LOL even harder!
Ol'e JANET is the best line
A
It was a dark neighborhood - that's not a euphemism
all the street lights were busted out - so you couldn't tell that it was predominantly black
*OK you got your like just for that joke. That was good.*
Genius joke to be fair
I made a very similar joke in high school one time and it didn't go so well
Damien INSANE-O was my first weekend
I get if you're American and wanna leave the 'u' out, but is "neighbhood" an accepted shorthand? Why not take it one step further to nbhood. Or NBH, if you're really in a jam for time.
@@Slownlazy It's always been spelled "neighborhood" here buddy. You can't fault me for spelling the way we spell it over here. Don't go around looking for people to bitch at, I'm about the last tree you should be barking up on youtube if you want to get into lazy spelling.
He's a genius, head over heels in love with this man!
Okay, I LOST IT when he said “ when a man keeps saying his name is Luigi and your saying I adore you, 99 percent of the time this doesn’t end heterosexually” 😂😂😂😂
Damn, his word play is just so different it's unbelievable! :D
Welcome to the South Weasel, welcome to the deep south.
Comments section full of quotes to prove it
Ok Logan Paul podcast
Thats why i like him
"99% of the time this don't end heterosexually!" Lol
I get so invested in his stories I forget he is a comedian
Same. I came out of his podcasts and just starting to get into his comedy. Idk where his life ends and routine starts
Theo is genuinely one of the sweetest people I’ve ever seen, and he’s got such a smart way of thinking. I had the pleasure of meeting him at one of his shows and he was just so kind. The moral of the story kinda gets lost in the humor but if you think about what he says in the end that’s a very beautiful way to change
“ That’s all for naught young soldier! You don’t have a chauffeurs certificate.”
Lmfao
Tommy HappensToLiftALot hands Down thee best line
Shit had me dying😂😂😂
@@wesleyhempoli5548 no dude, its naught
THE BEST.
@Smokey Bear "I'll be taking these Huggies and, whatever cash you have in the drawer."
You know a comic is good when you've heard the story before and you're still entertained the whole time.
airlopez21 listened 3 times already and I'm still laughing my ass off.
As someone who has had quite a few nights like this, listening to this story gave me MASSIVE amounts of anxiety.
I'm SWEATING right now.
I've never felt a comedians work deep in my soul but when I heard Theo tell this story I felt it...right in the soul. From the whole cocaine problem and crazy shit ensues to the details like how he snorted the coke all quiet when he didn't wanna interrupt all the way to realizing you have a problem. I have been where this man has been...its nice to put some fantastic comedy to an otherwise shitty situation!
Theo Von. So fucking underated.
Pissening
He brought out the mullet before you
Not anymore
He was an acquired taste for me, but once I acquired the taste. He became my new favorite flavor of comedy. Feels really raw, and honest.
Some savagery shit
8 points for originality. 2 points for the pronunciation of certain words. It really helps out the joke. You get an understanding of a southern boys night out in New York. 10/10 joke
The odd thing is the stories true he's told the same story with no jokes in the context of real sobriety
You uncle Joey loves him.
Robert Morgan where?
@@Anothergoogleaccount1 in his podcast he tells this as a story of how he knew he had to get sober...
ruclips.net/video/ND3IhIj4KzU/видео.html
I loved it
The beginning really hit home with me. I feel him when he talks about being uncomfortable every moment of his life wrestling to feel even OK.
Theo Von makes you just listen, to the point where you don’t want him to stop talking.
‘Uber? No thank you. Taxi, you have won me back!’
He delivers that line great.
He delivered it like Ron White
You can feel the years of road experience. What a wizard on the mic.
He really is a masterful story teller.
a little detail that went over almost everybody's head (cuz it was so dry and subtle) but that i deem an absolute parcel of genius: 4:42 "ruminiscing about her evening" don't we all ruminisce? what a lovely and brilliantly funny lil portmanteau.
“And a tute get in” lmfao
This dude is a national treasure. So glad I found Theo from Joe Rogan...was pretty down and this just brought me back to life yo.
Same. Found Joe then found Theo
Luigi is in the back, at the water park! He got the all day pass bracelet, he's not worried about me! Theo Von you're a mad man!!!
Wristband.... All day wristband.. Please never mis-quote Theodore again.. You're forgiven this time. Carry on young soldier! GANG!!
Hands down my favorite story ever told
I'm convinced theo doesn't have jokes, he just speaks and tells his stories like nothing.
"Slangin that CANAL" LMAO!!!!
DAMN!
This killed me I've never heard pussy called a canal before too funny.
Tuts be slangin'
💀
Britney miles if that pictures really you goddamn your beautiful
"Weed makes you forget how to get home.
Cocaine makes you forget how to get to heaven."
Thats just pure truth poetry
Such a funny line...though I gotta say with all due respect to the badass that is Theo, cocaine doesn't make you forget how to get to heaven, it teaches you how to get there
You know
@@mummyjohn idk about that, how many angels are eating nerds out of a strippers butthole? I know a few coke heads that would.
@@DirtSpud I would assume all of them. What else do you do in heaven?
“Luigi’s in the back , he’s at the water park bro” 😭😭😂😂
This thing right here, is a work of performative art.
Plain and simple.
The storytelling, the delivery, setups, punchlines, common threads, persona, it's just such a wild ride from start to finish both as a fun story, and as a performance.
An absolute masterclass in comedy.
One of the greatest comedians ever, and while I miss the great comedians that have sadly passed, Theo Von can easily hold his own against any of them.
I'm not saying that to diminish their accomplishments in any way, I'm saying it to highlight that the level of his comedy is simply THAT high.
Carlin, Hicks, Kinison, Dangerfield, Hedberg, Williams, Pryor and tons of big names, I miss ALL of them, but with Von, Burr, Diaz, Chappelle etc etc, we are blessed with some truly legendary comedians walking the stages right here and now.
I'll celebrate this performance by Theo Von by......listening to it again🤣
Listening to this bloke is like eating mystery stew. You keep waiting for it to taste like shit, but it's actually really tasty. Good story teller.
Great way to put it.
Excellent analogy
Mystery stew😂💀
"At least you're workin'" LMAO
LMFAO!
I have watched this more times than I can count, and look forward to every opportunity to share it with someone. This is one of the best stories ever told.
Sitting Theo is the best! Juste his cadence and words does it perfectly for me!
"Have you ever wandered into a sentence and been like, how do I get outta here??!!" Bahahahahahahahahaha!!!
"'Cause thats a drug to me. Weed is a confusing spice" - LMFAO! Best line i have heard all year
The fact that he’s always so real and funny at the same time is crazy.
To me he’s on a different level. While others seem to try hard to be funny, he can just make everything be funny
He has such a unique way of describing moments and situations. Simply hilarious. By the way, where did they drop off the asian girl again? At the local HHCC? 🤣
That was Vontastic!
This is some of Theo's best work, my face hurts from grinning for 20 straight minutes. Such a like-able dude.
Likeable and likable BOTH are acceptable. You don't hafta make up anything. It's a bona-fide real word. 😊🎉
I would have loved to catch this 3 years ago. Nothing to be done about it now. Cheers bud.
He said...”Coke-stofer Columbus”
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Cokestofer Columbianis
17:58 That’s a hilarious joke that nobody reacted to
"weed will make you forget how to get home. Cocaine will make you forget how to get to Heaven." -Theo Von
Weakest line , but the rest is gold.
I’m so glad Theo Von walks this earth with a microphone.
Theo Von sucks, name something remotely funny that comes out of his mouth. I find him to be a fucking fake ass douche that thinks he is funny and if this is funny I don't wan't to have anything to do with comedy again.
To each his own, my dude.
christian bartolotta, your name is Christian.
Awww i feel so bad for you, how is it to walk through life without any sense of humor Christian?
christian bartolotta did you consider that your dislike of his personality or humour is because there is something inside of yourself that upsets you. Everybody has that with something
"Runnin on neck thoughts" killed me. How did the crowd not catch that?
I don't get what the joke is..
@@BrokenSofa basically that, since his head is totally numb, the best he can do is "neck thoughts" instead of using his brain. The implication is that neck thoughts are inferior to brain thoughts lmao
@@sabrinafletcher7884 Yeah that scanned but it wasn't funny. It's the same as if he'd said "I don't have any blue balloons." Yeah, alright me neither. And then move on with the conversation. You feel me?
@@BrokenSofa I agree. I don't think it was some clever joke or that there was anything to "get", the only comedic value to me was it was just a silly thing to say with funny delivery
@@timladen Exactly 😄
It's like an orchestral masterpiece of words of how he knows what to say, and plays and rides emotions in the room.
You can tell this is a very intelligent, self conscious man. Who thinks a lot. I love every story he tells.
"slanging that canal" my goodness
Julio L. Mendez Yo!!!! I fell out when I heard that shit!!!!
Julio L. Mendez It's now a part of my vernacular from this day forward
Hysterical
“Olé, Janet!”
"You know"
Lmao
Straw came to our high school in 2019 and spoke to our students about his personal struggles as a player. Great message. Was a real eye opener to what this man went through off the field yet was still an elite talent on it. He was great to everyone. Signed autographs, took pictures, spoke to anyone one on one that approached him. Very humble and cordial and seemed genuinely interested in sharing his story and message to the kids.
I've watched this before. One of the all time best stand up routines I've ever seen 👌
This is the funniest shit I have seen from a younger comedian in years. The part where he's like I was so high at one point I was like "yo where is the driver?".. He could have ended it there and it would have still killed. But to have the sense to also add after the laugh "and he didn't know?" just shows how good this guy is.
Devin Michael Roberts I agree but Theo is 38yrs old definitely looks young tho
@@NASTYBOYKEN yeah, wasnt he on road rules back in the day? That shit was ages ago before mentally handicapped orange people from jersey started fucking and fighting each other over who had the rights to the ed hardy and affliction brand deal.
Easily the best “this is not happening” story I’ve ever heard.
TimeGallon It's on par for me with Ali's story about Mitchell and the cumin story with Sean Patton.
Mexicans got on boots
ms03878 yup, thats by far the best one. Ali is a great story teller
tom segura.
Most of them are great, but god damn this one is fucking hilarious.
I love how theo is one of the only comedians to include the crowd in the back
That was unbelievably amazing. Top tier story telling.
He’s gotta be the best story teller alive
Joey Diaz holds the title
Maybe Bert Kreischer
Gjr Hatz you mean “comedian” come on man
@@WonnieNoR All comedians are story tellers, but not all story tellers are comedians.
Any one that’s ever done some blow knows this story is at least 75% true lmao
at least LOL
Prince IzAaBich oh yeah lmao
There's a Robin Williams joke that goes, "Some people think that Scarface was a bit over the top. But anyone who's ever done a pound of Peruvian blow knows that is a documentary."
As a frequent cocaine user I approve his message
75% is lowballing it
When I tell you that I laughed from the start, just about until the end, and at the end, I wanted to cry. What a remarkable comedian and man.