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Is It Possible to Forgive Your Spouse Too Early after Infidelity?
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- Опубликовано: 18 авг 2024
- Today Samuel discusses what happens when betrayed spouses consider forgiving their spouse too early in recovery.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
So, so true. I forgave my wife too early, 3 months on l feel worse, betrayed, lied to, angry. The thought of her being happy with someone else hurts.
I'm almost 9 months in as the betrayed. This video, again, is spot on. For me, forgiveness is like an onion. You peel away layers of grief, disappointment, pain and anger and give forgiveness multiple times. And like an onion, boy does it make you cry.
As far as forgiveness goes for the AP, I'm simply not there. It is by far a harder task than I am currently able to achieve or even consider.
As a Christian, I find that I am often too hard on myself about forgiveness. My mind plays tricks on me about my lack of faith. After all (my mind says), if I were a faithful Christian I would be able to let this all go, put it in Gods hands and let him handle it. That, at times, paralyzes me.
Thank you Samuel for helping us all know we're not alone. None of us want to be a part of this "club" but I'm so grateful you are gracious enough to walk through this journey with us. Many blessings to you.
so grateful for your kind words. thank you for sharing.
@@sherylrodriguez4703 the irony of the unfaithful pointing out your lack of "Christian values" is not lost on me. Its offensive to my sensibility and, I'm sure, yours as well.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please don't be hard on yourself. You have been handed a terrible situation and you are doing as best as you can and that is a great achievement. Keep on being yourself. You are enough, you are worthy. Jesus would be kind to you. This is hard, you are doing good.
It is not any easier when you are a man. I feel the same things that you all do. It has not been easy. It has been getting better as the time goes by but you will have reoccurrences of those feelings.
This is an exceptional explanation of the PROCESS of forgiveness - with betrayal trauma it is definitely not a one time event. Thank you for affirming to the Betrayed that forgiveness happens over time. This video is a ‘must hear’ for the Unfaithful.
means a ton thanks for saying that.
I'm worried that he feels things should just be okay since I choose to try and work this out with my husband, but I can't stop thinking about what he did with her, not just intimacy but hand holding, dates, laughter, I don't know when these thoughts will end, also think he's lying to me!
I know what you mean, it has been a year ago that I found out about my wife. It is very difficult still. I went away for over 8 hours away from my wife for the first time in a year and all I could think about was that she knew my plan and did she make a plan knowing I was going to be gone for such a long period of time. I don't know when it gets easier.
I know what you mean! There are so many small details.
I'm losing my mind! Even if there is hope, how can I keep my sanity until the hope arrives!?
I am on same page
Yes betrayal
I had to start your videos over I just can’t do it I can’t forgive … I’m feeling it all over again …. I can’t say it over and over again
Wow! I loved this!
It is great to have permission to take our time in forgiving. You're so right and I LOVE the way you described that it is no light thing.
I hope a lot of "unfaithfuls" listen to this and begin to understand the heart of their spouse and are more patient and understanding instead of trying to rush things so that they can get some sort of relief from their guilt and shame.
thank you for the great feedback and encouragement.
Thank you! I just had a conversation where I told my husband that I felt like he did not value my grace and mercy toward him. For someone that feels like they forgave very quickly and it has stalled progress , this video is incredibly validating.
so glad it helped you
How can I keep my sanity intact? I just found out 3 weeks ago about my husband’s affairs. 2 relationships at the same time and me, him and the affair partners all work at the same job. I’m uncomfortable at work and at home. I hate that he did this to us. 9 years in and I’ve been nothing but the best to him. Honest, faithful, supportive, loving and he goes and does this crap. I’m so angry, disappointed and hurt. I feel lost and alone.
This is a very good talk. Got confused at first with what I was going through. These new layers are real and when uncovered they are new challenges to give focus on and another set of things that will need forgiveness
This is such a great video, as they all are. My question is, as a betrayed, but not near this stage yet, I can see wanting to forgive to cover it up, and put it in the past, being so grateful for an opportunity to reconcile. Wanting to move forward, but also out of fear that the unfaithful will lose patience and leave again if you don’t show forgiveness whether you are ready or not. How can you trust the unfaithful to be patient enough and help you toward that forgiveness? Isn’t there a pressure to forgive to get the marriage back on track?
it takes patience and remorse on the part of the unfaithful spouse. if they are rushing you to forgive, it's a concern for sure. you don't have to forgive to get the marriage back on track per se.....you can do marriage recovery work even though you haven't forgiven them yet, but be moving towards forgiving them. i'm sorry you feel pressured to. it's a process my friend. the right help can establish a process for you. here are two resources to help with process if you like: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend or www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online
That is what I did. Not only once, twice, but more 10 times over 20 years. I want to forgive, forget and get over it. What I got in return? My uh takings advantage of my naive. His unfaithful relapse every year or two. My wound getting deeper and deeper every time. My heart broken into pieces this time. I don't think anything can heal me now. No, no more forgiveness from me.
We can do this lynn.. We can
I have to look at a baby…they had a baby. He has not contacted her unless in regards to the child, but she is now a part of our lives forever. She knew he was married and he knew he was married. He has been very good with trying to make sure we reconnect and that I know that he loves me. What a big ask, not only to forgive but to raise someone else’s child.
You are real strong for this! I pray you find true healing inside
Thank you for this video!!! Omg. Really made me look at "Forgivness" way different. It's exactly how I feel Samuel. Totally but he don't get it. Our VOWS were so important in my life... And its killing me. A lot of people have told me. It's done and over. Let it go if you want to move on.
I am a year later and am still working it out for myself. I went to counseling with my wife a few times. She was not into it too much. I have since stopped and keep working on it for myself. It does get easier and those vows you felt were so important are still. My situation did not happen until we are in our 39th year. That rips your heart out and takes you for a loop.
This is Samuel at his best. Thank you, Samuel.
Dear Samuel, I forgave my spouse 8 months into his true recovery. I forgave his affairs. But explained to him as a catholic, if the action is repeated the forgiveness is no longer there. He has to repent, and never do that act again . I have not forgave the lies, hurt, painful reminders, and if he acts out. Which thank God he has not done. I needed to forgive the way I did for me and only me. I told him I forgave the affairs, he still has to do the work and confess to God, as he is the one that he in the end has to face. That you for this video. Wish I would have seen this earlier. I did at the time of forgiveness tell him , I will remember all the pain, as I am only human.
I forgive too soon now I am struggling...
Ya... I forgave her too early and made love with her but I also didn't get over my own suspicion.. Now we aren't even publicly together, she's still loving me but she's also leaving.. Sigh
This is great!! Thank you for sharing!
Great advice that I hadn’t gotten to the point of considering. Thanks so much for the heads up!
What if we are back in our home together and she acts like everything is fine now while I still feel unsafe with her? How do I pull back so she knows things aren't fully healed and I haven't forgiven her like she thinks?
i would communicate that with her....i would sit down and share with her that all is not done and well and you would like to get help to heal. that going back to life as it is isn't going to work and that you need more help and more healing.
I have watched many videos related to infidelity, forgiveness and recovery. This one is the one i put at the top. I am a living testimony of forgiving an un faithful spouse early which let me pay for almost over 2 decades. I thought everything would go smoothly. That was completely wrong. Even if our marriage looks good for those outsiders (families includingour kids), the reality is different. My spouse doesn't want to talk about anymore. I feel we need to strart from scratch and work towards full recovery. A lot of things has happened since the disclosure of the affair. It is almost 22 years. All our kids were born after that. My spouse wants to forget about everything and move forward. I wish too. I would be happy if I can forget (l am not sure whether it's possible to fully forget it).However, l know what's inside me. I feel i haven't recovered from the trauma. I ask for practical advice on how to proceed and make my marriage be on fhe right track.
I’m stuck on wanting to forgive my stbx wife but she denies her affair. It may have been emotional but it lasted over a year and 6 months into it and me catching her that’s when she asked for divorce to only continue it and getting stronger until DDay. How do I handle a spouse denying it? She doesn’t want to stay married but tries to be my best friend.. I’m like umm I’m sorry but I can’t!
How is it going for you now?
I cannot forgive the betrayal. I am so angry.i am not going give it out when I am feeling so humiliated.
I have forgiven but I am dealing with a waves of new thoughts and new feelings. I don't know what to do!!
Give yourself time. It will get better.
Exactly!
This is everything I needed to hear. Thank you so much for this.
What if what yr getting stronger for is to finally say, I have had enough. I will not forgive this, I think it is unforgivable.
I forgave immediately and I’m suffering.
Am sorry to hear
Wow!! Something I’ve never considered,....and HAVE seen the results of which you speak... so confusing for me...
I forgave too soon. He never ended the affair. I found out 4 months later that it was still going on.
Does a claimed emotional affair have any equality to a physical one? How do you deal with a spouse that has had a mental break while admitting feelings for someone else?
Im feeling your pain
Thanks so much vor dies video 🙏
it's two weeks now , after i confronted her, she has told me nothing more than what i have proved and that was like pulling teeth, she claims that it was me that stopped talking with her and not making her feel we were working together , and she claims it's been that way for 20 years, and i can only prove her betray for 2 years , she says it's over with him , i can't prove it , he is her boss for 33 year and she is with him 8 hours a day, we are on different shifts , i think i have made a mistake saying i guess i can say we were separated for last two years ( because she was not sleeping with me at all ) and i'll try to act like we just got back together ,and i can't hold her countable , i still catch little lies and that's why i don't think she ended it with him, and i have noway to prove anything she does at work , it was the meeting after work that i busted them with.. ever day i treated her like a queen , opening doors getting her drinks doing most of all the work around the house, telling i love her with all my heart daily, showing her that i love her , and yet i was the one "who" stop talking, and now she acting like it has never happen and we need to move forward , a'm i just stupid for trying to for give that fast
If she's refusing to give you the details, she's refusing to work on the relationship. If she's not taking ownership that she screwed up, she's not at a place where she will ever put you first and it makes her more likely to cheat in the long run. Just because shit was bad in the marriage doesn't mean that she had the right to shut down, stop talking to you, and stop making her needs known. She made the choice to stay though she had problems with the relationship and furthermore she made the choice to then cheat on you as a result of her ignoring the issues around her. It sounds like it's time for your new chapter.
Yep
This is me 😢