Thank you for this. At 61 I came to the realization that both my parents are narcissistic. I have had a life fully of severe anxiety and depression as well as many other issues that I can now clearly see is a result of the emotional abuse that I endured and still endure. I have so much anger and resentment that I now have allowed myself to acknowledge. The road to heal is so difficult, but I owe it to myself to be there for me for the first time in my life. .
Being raised by a narcissistic mother felt like never ending torture and damaged me for life. Society will ostrazice us and condemn us for "leaving" our mothers when we never had one. We had the nastiest version of a step mother 😢
"Society will ostrazice us and condemn us for "leaving" our mothers when we never had one" This is the worst part. Mental health professionals practically scream at us to "seek support" but you can't do that when practically everyone in your extended family & community circles believe a parent's lies (and even enable them) and the wider society screams at you "but that's your MOTHERRRRR! But that's your FATHERRRRR!! You only get OOOONNNNNE!!" It seems as though mental health training doesn't train professionals to address THAT ongoing abuse.
@@wolveshat854👍🏼it’s the same when the Bible says “who is your neighbour”,. “Do no harm to your neighbour who lives trustfully near you”,.I used to think it was next door😂 it truly means “The one who helps you”( near you in the spiritual sense❤😊)
Yup in that mode right now after years of not really sharing this toxic dynamic with others except with therapists who allowed me to voice my feelings on the subject but I did wonder if they truly understood. I did feel like I was discussing a taboo topic and felt like I had to acknowledge what my mother did do well for me. Although that was just surface driven ie clothed me, fed me, and roof over my head and even with that was made to feel guilty that she had to do that. I’d say share your experience in a safe place. A Counsellor will not judge you. It’s pretty cathartic to voice the relationship dynamic out loud. I’m in a much better place for it even if I don’t truly have others around me that get it.
Please, more videos on this. She's made it clear that passively she hates me. Although my parents provided me the least resources and support, I'm the most successful child on my own merit! No financial support like my siblings. She hates it, and i don't even brag bc my self esteem is shot!
I needed to hear this. I remember my mother just straight dogging me out. Saying I’m going to fight you like a chick out on the street. Making me feel bad about my financial place in life. It’s as if she always looked down on me. Calling me a “hoe” for getting pregnant at 22. Even though I graduated from college with my Bachelor’s degree. Dragging me across the floor and putting me out the house. Often times, I would try to have a conversation with her and she would stonewall me. Just straight silent. I was always too sensitive in her eyes. I was Always the reason why relationships didn’t work. I was just never enough for her. I spent a lot of time trying to get her approval and at this age I am now. I’m simply exhausted.
@@ablackgirlspeaks8241 I'm really sorry for your pain. It's not you she hates, but rather herself. You have to get away from her forever. She is literally taking your life from you. I am praying for you to get some relief 🙏 .
Totally spot on! One of the last horrible remarks I listened to from my "mother" was when I shared a tiny bit of the physical violence I endured at the hands of a domestic violence abuser ex Her exact words were, "well more fool you for putting up with it!". She was relentlessly abusive on every level. Best thing I did was say bye bye. To anyone going through this abuse please know they don't change ever.
@devina1100, Thank you so much for sharing your experience-it’s incredibly brave of you to open up about something so difficult. Hearing such a dismissive and invalidating remark, especially when you were vulnerable and sharing your pain, must have been deeply hurtful. It’s a stark reminder that some people, even those we hope to lean on, are not capable of offering the compassion and support we deserve. You’re absolutely right-choosing to walk away is one of the most empowering steps you can take in reclaiming your peace and self-worth. Abusive individuals rarely, if ever, change, and staying only prolongs the pain. Your decision to say goodbye to that toxic dynamic is a testament to your strength and self-love. Sending you love and wishing you courage on your continued journey. 💛
@PetraVanDeijl Thank you so much for your kindness and caring words. What she said definitely was deeply hurtful yes. I had grown used to that sort of coldness over the years but that was yet another thing to add to the damage pile. I'm glad I loved myself enough to stay away. Enough became enough. Wishing you a wonderful and a belated Happy New Year ❤️
@devina1100, looool! how do I know that? mine said to me "no wonder hes abusive if you dont have your own place" (why would i live alone in a relationship?)
The lack of empathy is painful! When I was beaten at school, I had so many bruises on my body and there was no alarm or sadness in her face when she saw them. She asked me to keep it a secret from my dad. Recently when my dog died, the vet had no empathy; somehow it triggered my old pain from the lack of maternal empathy and I felt severely wounded. I have been no contact since 2022. Thank you for these wonderful videos!!❤
My Mother was exactly like this with me, her only daughter. Then I had three Sons. We would go over to her house and she would compare a child in the trailer park next door, to my Sons who were always top of their classes, in Boy Scouting, lacrosse, cross country track.🫤🙄😔. They stopped visiting her. I don’t blame them. She put everyone else’s children before them. In her later years she would always mean about why they didn’t go visit her. 🫤. She didn’t know them. She didn’t want to. Those kids in the trailer park never saw her either-they had moved away with their parents decades ago. She was left alone due to her stupidity. She had me there of course. But her only Grandsons, she had not made herself known to them. Sowing and reaping.😔
@julieanna8495, thank you for sharing your story-it’s heartbreaking to see how deeply your mother’s actions impacted not only you but also your sons. It’s so painful when someone prioritizes outsiders over their own family, especially when your boys were thriving and doing so well. It’s no wonder they chose to step away; it sounds like they instinctively protected their peace. You’re absolutely right-life often reflects the principle of sowing and reaping. Relationships require effort, love, and connection, and when that’s absent, the distance becomes inevitable. It’s clear you did everything you could, but her inability to value those around her left her isolated in the end. It’s not easy carrying the weight of those dynamics, and it takes courage to face and process them. I hope you find peace in knowing that you’ve done your best. You’ve raised three wonderful sons who’ve gone on to lead their lives with strength and purpose, and that’s a reflection of you. Sending you lots of love as you continue to heal and move forward. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. 💛
@ViolAM3, thank you so much for your kind words. I truly appreciate your support and the time you’ve spent healing and growing on your journey. It’s incredible that you’ve been no contact since 2019 and have done so much work on yourself-it’s no small feat! That ‘small dose’ you experienced at the family gathering makes so much sense. Even limited exposure to someone toxic can stir up a lot of old emotions and memories. It’s not a sign of failure; it’s a testament to just how deep their impact runs. Be gentle with yourself as you process and recover. Healing isn’t always linear, and it’s okay to need some extra time after moments like these. You’ve come so far, and this doesn’t undo your progress-it’s just another layer of healing. You’ve got this
Your voice is soothing 🙏🏻 I had to exit the toxic relationship with my mother. All you said is spot on. I never understood the jealousy.. how can a mother envy her own child 🥲
Thanks for sharing precious insights, Petra! Refreshing to learn that emotional dysregulation (and rumination, for me) is a consequence of narc abuse and neglect. My narc mom always projected her disdain of me by telling me when i was a young adult how I need to stop being so anxious, to go get therapy- i remember her just saying this when i was quietly reading in the kitchen not bothering anyone. Years later, I realized, a) I was not an anxious person in general, but anxious around her because of her abusivr behaviors and b).she was highly anxious and was one to talk about needing to get help from a therapist. Then I also realized her true dark side when she tried to relentlessly recruit my entire family to harrass, undermine and threaten my well being/knock me down from living a healthier life i worked hard to build and sustain ...without her. It has now been almost 6;years of no contact with her and family- no regrets. Definitely a lot less experience with dystegulation and anxiety.
They hate seeing you relaxed, joyful or proud. They hate you having friends too. For them we are dolls and once we are broken they discard us or throw us under the bus but everyone won't ever believe us. It seems once a woman become a mother she reaches sainthoood.
All of this resonates with me. Sadly, it took until my forties for me to start to recognize some of these destructive patterns. One awful pattern I noticed is my mother would provoke my anxiety and then try to use my emotional state to put me down and destroy my self worth in the guise of supporting me. It was just a really unhealthy pattern. When I realized it and broke it she kept trying to continue but I saw it then and. once you see it you can't unsee it. I wish I'd had all this information at a younger age. I could have spared myself so much emotional pain.
The emotional deregulation has to be the worst legacy she left me. Out of all of them its the one that torments me daily, even though I'm 4 yrs no contact. It feels like a curse.
@DystoDreamer, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way-it’s truly one of the hardest things to carry. Emotional dysregulation can feel overwhelming, but it doesn't have to be a curse, it’s a response to the trauma you endured. Healing takes time, but with consistent self-compassion, tools like breathwork, grounding exercises, or therapy, you can rewire those patterns. Four years no contact is such a big step-you're already proving your strength. Be gentle with yourself-you’re on the path to reclaiming your peace and power. 💛
I became a successful illustrator after MUCH effort to break into a difficult field. Part of what drove me was to prove to people I had worth. But where did I get the idea I had no worth? From my narcissistic mother- and I didn't even realize it because she always played the victim. What clued me in was my reaction to people saying they liked my work- I would feel shy & fearful and would change the topic. WHY? I figured out it was from childhood because I learned that any compliments I got from others made my mother jealous, angry and sad. It probably didnt help that my father was so proud of my work. Your videos are really good and this one so validates the weird feelings I get from being complimented. Thank you !
Great to see you again, Petra! About mothers lowering a daughter's self esteem. My mother was born in 1917, and looks were very important to her. Being pretty and well groomed was a really big deal. As I came of age it didn't come naturally to me to "fix up." I also ate a lot and was a bit of an overweight teenager. I didn't know how to style my hair, and she took me to cheap hair cutting places that gave horrendous haircuts. I was basically a mess, but didn't worry about it. She'd say, "What are you planning to do about those SIDE PIECES of your hair?" (Over the ears hair) I'd say, "I have no plans for those." She'd say, "Well you ought to, and you're gaining so much weight, that you look like the SIDE OF A HOUSE." 😂😂😂 I just thought she was really funny. I didn't care as much about my looks or what people thought as she did. But now I'm elderly, she's dead and I miss her - even her annoyance at my "side pieces", because there were plenty of kindnesses and fun times with her along the way.
boundaries. I dont have them, dont have the concept of them or realization why do I or anyone else needs them or maybe I just have no proper understanding about what boundaries really are..yes, overcompensating so much in all relationships, so true, but my mom never allowed me to have something resembling boundaries and never taught them...why? - I guess, because then there would be this risk of me probably applying them in relationship with her too, not just others, and she wanted to have a doormat stooge daughter....boundaries, self respect..my own life ..all that was out of question and in some regards, still are...I am 35 now...CONTROL, selfish, MOCK, ridicule me together with my bro, when they both gang up against me and just mock and when I lash out, call me ''crazy''.....yeah....idk how to break out of this even....what is there to do even t gain her respect..because she told me once - ''i love you,but i dont respect you'' now sitting here and thinking, how to gain that respect...that would put the stop to mocking..but how, i dont know /please help if you have any insight and yeah no sense of self,, even at 35....My feelings never mattered either....I was just supposed to be quiet and convenient. like a tool, to be there in case she needs me,,,when she doesn't- shut up and stay out of the way.
They infantilized us. You don't know how to set boundaries because you were never allowed to set them. There's something called enmeshment which has nothing to do with love.
Hoi, Petra, thank you soo much, this video topic comes at such a good timing for me, wow, can't wait to hear your take on it, but - first got to comment for the sake of you tube algorithm! You can def dive more into family dynamics, and yes, is not so, that mostly daughters got mocked and turned into scapegoats , so much more often than boys/ sons?This happened to me, as you can imagine, and the aftermath is me being a people pleaser ( coz of inner fear of not appeasing people and then they will lash out at me and rage or silent treatment the way my mom did to me)! Warm greetings!- -new subscriber from Letland.
Good video Petra, I recognize all you tell too although for me it's a different situation. I'm a son of a very toxic (narcissistic??) father, and have a very good relationship with my mother, who is very empathic and warm in contact, and especially save. But it sounds terrible to be a daughter of a narcissistic mother. I can imagine being daughter of a narcissistic mother, can result for the daughter having problems with (groups of!) women during life and to fit in when it comes to going along with (groups of) women, especially when it comes to sharing feelings and information. I can imagine for the daughter they better can go along with man when it comes to friendships and making contact, but maybe I'm wrong. My father who anyway very dominant, dismissive, ignoring, controlling, emotional completely neglected, agressive. Just one kind of example what has shaped me a lot: He ruined the contact between me and others I really wanted to have contact with, by letting it go wrong through telling lies about me/embarras me, or by getting the attention himself and letting the attention from others to me slacken by behaving dismissive in front of others like I'm not good as I am. The other way around, it also happened that he wanted to connect me with all kinds of people that I didn't want to have contact with at all, because it didn't feel good/safe, or with whom it wouldn't click at all, simply because you can't click with everyone, what would be in a normal situation not a big issue for me. In those cases, he played on it: 'Go hang out with her/him, she/he is good for you, you should meet up together and build a friendship, I like her/him.' He only said that to me/us (even) when that person was there at that moment , and I felt enormous (vicarious) shame and social anxiety to dare to say 'no', and reacted completely with silence anyway, out of a feeling of inferiority, low self-esteem and enormous feeling of shame for the situation and myself (low selfesteem). I can also recognize myself very much in the 5 symptoms and in many things that you say, but then from father to son. With father to son, competition and openly putting down the son in the presence of others (also with lying and manipulation) mainly play a role. Undoubtedly, some things, patterns and dynamics will also be slightly different when it comes to father and sons. But after getting help I'm growing in a better direction with myself, life and contacts and am happy I am able again to work almost 2 days per week and learning to built my life and on myself, although I always wonder where I must build on. Anyway I build my life now. I always feel very inferior and small in groups of men and have developed an avoidant personality and CPTSD.
@Anonymous-du4zt, thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and I really admire your courage in recognizing these patterns and seeking help. While the dynamics of a narcissistic father and mother can be very different, the impact on self-esteem, relationships, and personal growth can feel similarly challenging. It’s understandable that you’ve felt that sense of inferiority and social anxiety, especially when your father imposed those pressures on you. It’s amazing that you’re now able to work on rebuilding your life and relationships, despite the struggles. The fact that you’re aware of these patterns and actively working through them is huge progress. Keep trusting the process and building on what feels right for you. It’s okay to take it one step at a time - healing and growth don’t happen overnight, but every step forward counts. You deserve to feel proud of the progress you’ve made!
@@PetraVanDeijl Thank you much Petra, I have a question for you, but have to explain a little to get my situation and question. It's already getting a little better because volunteer work I do now more than 1 day, 1 day I go to a talking club in the neighbourhood 1 morning, and I'm going to try in future 1 day in week creativity with others in an mental institution. It has been a long road because avoidant is already existing from my 13th and CPTSD from my 16th, and an everyday struggle more than 20 years from CPTSD. I really believe men who are avoidant it is for a big part grown out of autoritair behaviour of one of the parents, for women also I think. But in men I guess often it are (narcissistic) father issues. For a part, of course I know avoidant is also a temperament thing from little child on and the difference with it in western society, I'm conscious it's in myself too, also without abuse that should have been. As very little child there was much shyness and staying away from people (my mother says as baby it was already like that in the way I made contact), but that isn't such a big deal when people treat you okay and accept the shyness, even than the child will POSSIBLY grow over it or it becomes definetely less shy, and avoidant probebly will not develop. Avoidant can also feel in a certain way toxic for others, although I know I feel empathy and have good intentions with others. But I know I have hurt people much by my distant behaviour and avoiding contact because I feared a 'no' and intense fear for rejection when I almost tried to search contact, but at last moment I didn't out of fear. But I explained that to the people I hurt with my avoiding. They thought I would not have contact with them because they really thought they were not worth or that they were or did wrong to me. The truth is that I really wanted contact with them, but the pain of fear for being rejected or the get a 'no' back was so big, that avoiding was the only option for me. After they knew that they get it and were relieved that they know what was behind my behaviour. I didn't even knew all my life I hurted people with my avoiding, but I get it the last year more and more, it's difficult to see the perspective from the other person for me, but I try to. Toxic environments makes it grow quick worse the avoidance, and dissociation I have from both CPTSD of course, but also from issues with avoidant. The question (end): The only thing/problem is that I'm easy am bullied sometimes by narcissistic/not empatic people, because sometimes chronic dissociation/feeling acting passive makes me act absent or weak in front of others, and others get more power over me I experience in certain situations, especially when there are sadistic (psychopatic) grandiose narcissist who are partly covert, I sometimes get bullied in social situations. I'm absolutely not codependent, but when a narcissist is in my present from second one, they want me away immediatly, they see my complex trauma and avoidant(mistrust) part as a big big thread for their narcissism, especially in social group situations, and remark they see my mental problems as a thread in social situations. So absolutely no codependency in me. Recognizing narcissists for me is very easy from child on because the big mistrust in people from avopidant makes that recognizing toxic (I mean bad intentions/sadistic way of toxic) people. My question is: How do I deal with bullies-narcissists when they cross my path? Because I absolutely not attract narcissist, but on the contrary, they bully me or push me away immediately by being very rude to me, even from the first time we see each other. I feel their behavior is caused because I feel I look through them. I think much people with even alone CPTSD from youth trauma by narcissism, but who are not codependent, are easier targets for being bullied in the first place by narcissists/psychopaths in social situations. This question, is a topic I/ve not yet ever seen in videos on youtube, but I think it is a big common problem among many people with CPTSD,:being bullied ingeneral (by narcissists/psychopaths, but also are sooner victims of material or forced doing tasks as forms of abuse by others (mostly narcissits/psychopaths I think). How can CPTSD people deal with that Petra?... because it's roots is really in the youth. This subject seems not yet to be on youtube, becausemostly it's about codependency, what I think is really understandable though.
My mother told me 'you are worthless, useless, good for nothing... (Insert swear word) This was after I spent the whole weekend every weekend cleaning the house This explains why I feel unworthy all the time when I get an opportunity'
As always, Petra, thank you. Absolutely correct. I'm about to be 65. No children. Jealousy seemed to be the worst whip in my life with mom(deceased since Cristmas morning 5:30 am 2013) . I got truly scared of the sentences that would come out of my mouth. And, I would say, that sounds just like my mother. Noooo, I, a psychology major that wasn't supported, right. I couldn't learn how to get thru life the same way. So I stopped in 91 had first year's of sobriety, 5 years back out, 12 and a half more..I was there for my mother. No where else I would rather be, as 6 years of Alzhiemers, auto immune diseases. But ,hey, in struggling now with these people all around me as u have replied. Just thank you, Petra. Would love to see the Netherlands but ha e never flown. The music of Dan Fogleberg in late 1970s brought the vision. Thank you so much. ❤❤
@lindagreen9278, thank you for sharing your story with me. It’s clear that you’ve been through so much, and your journey is a testament to your resilience and depth of character. Navigating those complicated feelings-especially when you find yourself sounding like someone who caused you so much pain-is incredibly difficult. The fact that you recognized it and worked toward healing, sobriety, and showing up for your mother despite everything speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. It sounds like you've done a tremendous amount of inner work, and even though the struggles with the people around you now feel heavy, please remember that you’ve already overcome so much. You have the strength to navigate this too. Sometimes, it’s about setting boundaries and prioritizing your peace, just as you’ve done before. As for visiting the Netherlands: It’s never too late to do something new, even if it feels intimidating at first. Music has such a special way of inspiring visions like that-Dan Fogelberg’s music has such a timeless, soul-soothing quality. Thank you for trusting me with your thoughts and experiences. I’m sending you so much love and encouragement as you continue your journey. You’ve already achieved so much. ❤
Yes my mom has actively tried to Mess me up in the past, has Even indirectly Admitted to that by saying „Arbeit macht frei“. What do you think about that. Maybe i can get some consultations with you
Hi @geminiaqua-i6d, Thank you for opening up and sharing this with me-it sounds like you’ve been through a lot. Hearing something as loaded and hurtful as "Arbeit macht frei" from a parent must be deeply unsettling. That phrase carries such heavy, damaging connotations, and it’s not okay to use it in any context, let alone within a family dynamic. I’d be happy to support you on your healing journey. Please visit my website for more details www.petravandeijl.com
God can change if the person is aware of it. I have/ am suffering from a extreme religious malignant narcissistic misogynist abusive mother. She thinks she is holy especially after she got baptized. She manipulated her own version of the bible. Only selecting verses that is to her convenient. You know, "you shall honor your parents" etc etc. She smoked, drank, was a teenage mom etc etc. All the things I never EVER did. Yet she is the FIRST to point the finger and judge. She avoided EVERY form of help. It's ALWAYS the other one. She is pure evil a true Jezebel. Lies and accusations beyond imagination. 24/7 smear campaigns. She wished me so much evil, on my birthday de*ad! I refuse to cry anymore because I can see a demonic smerk. She ALWAYS tears me down, damage my relationships. She always said that she gave up everything to be a mother. Infact she is very lazy can't get along with women. Accomplish nothing in life and she never motivated me to fulfil my dreams. She can't keep a job longer than a month. My whole life is one big secret. My family is toxic in general. Money hungry, envious and materialistic. I often pray for God to fight my battles and protect me from the generational curses/traumas deep rooted in my family. My mother thought me everything in life I do NOT want to be, HER!
@Michatember, I am truly sorry for all the pain and manipulation you’ve experienced. It sounds like you've been through an incredibly difficult journey, and it’s understandable that you’ve had to navigate such a toxic and confusing environment. It’s so powerful that you’ve found the strength to recognize what you *don’t* want to be and are seeking a path of healing and growth, especially in the face of such adversity. Praying for protection and strength is a brave step toward reclaiming your life. You deserve peace and freedom from the negativity and hurt. Keep holding onto your worth and the person you’re working to become. You’ve already shown incredible resilience, and I believe you can continue moving forward toward the life you want for yourself. Wishing you continued love and courage ♥
I apologize for the background hammering around the 6:30 mark. My neighbour is refurbishing 😉
Thank you for this. At 61 I came to the realization that both my parents are narcissistic. I have had a life fully of severe anxiety and depression as well as many other issues that I can now clearly see is a result of the emotional abuse that I endured and still endure. I have so much anger and resentment that I now have allowed myself to acknowledge. The road to heal is so difficult, but I owe it to myself to be there for me for the first time in my life.
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Being raised by a narcissistic mother felt like never ending torture and damaged me for life.
Society will ostrazice us and condemn us for "leaving" our mothers when we never had one. We had the nastiest version of a step mother 😢
Fk society!
"Society will ostrazice us and condemn us for "leaving" our mothers when we never had one" This is the worst part. Mental health professionals practically scream at us to "seek support" but you can't do that when practically everyone in your extended family & community circles believe a parent's lies (and even enable them) and the wider society screams at you "but that's your MOTHERRRRR! But that's your FATHERRRRR!! You only get OOOONNNNNE!!" It seems as though mental health training doesn't train professionals to address THAT ongoing abuse.
@amarbyrd2520 Christ Jesus said to us "who is your mother, who is your father. Joseph's family hated him but he never forsaken them.
@@wolveshat854👍🏼it’s the same when the Bible says “who is your neighbour”,. “Do no harm to your neighbour who lives trustfully near you”,.I used to think it was next door😂 it truly means “The one who helps you”( near you in the spiritual sense❤😊)
@Marthawendy-sz2mk ❤️TY
The worst part of the many horrors is that you feel like you have to keep it hidden or you're betraying your mother.
Yup in that mode right now after years of not really sharing this toxic dynamic with others except with therapists who allowed me to voice my feelings on the subject but I did wonder if they truly understood. I did feel like I was discussing a taboo topic and felt like I had to acknowledge what my mother did do well for me. Although that was just surface driven ie clothed me, fed me, and roof over my head and even with that was made to feel guilty that she had to do that. I’d say share your experience in a safe place. A Counsellor will not judge you. It’s pretty cathartic to voice the relationship dynamic out loud. I’m in a much better place for it even if I don’t truly have others around me that get it.
Please, more videos on this. She's made it clear that passively she hates me. Although my parents provided me the least resources and support, I'm the most successful child on my own merit! No financial support like my siblings. She hates it, and i don't even brag bc my self esteem is shot!
Yeah my mom Said „Arbeit macht frei“ to me so Go figure
I hope you start bragging and celebrating yourself. ❤
The Truth and Beauty set us free...NoContact with the evil!! Thank You!!:))!!👍🌈🧚💯💖😊
I needed to hear this. I remember my mother just straight dogging me out. Saying I’m going to fight you like a chick out on the street. Making me feel bad about my financial place in life. It’s as if she always looked down on me. Calling me a “hoe” for getting pregnant at 22. Even though I graduated from college with my Bachelor’s degree. Dragging me across the floor and putting me out the house. Often times, I would try to have a conversation with her and she would stonewall me. Just straight silent. I was always too sensitive in her eyes. I was Always the reason why relationships didn’t work. I was just never enough for her. I spent a lot of time trying to get her approval and at this age I am now. I’m simply exhausted.
@@ablackgirlspeaks8241 I'm really sorry for your pain. It's not you she hates, but rather herself. You have to get away from her forever. She is literally taking your life from you. I am praying for you to get some relief 🙏 .
Totally spot on!
One of the last horrible remarks I listened to from my "mother" was when I shared a tiny bit of the physical violence I endured at the hands of a domestic violence abuser ex
Her exact words were, "well more fool you for putting up with it!".
She was relentlessly abusive on every level.
Best thing I did was say bye bye.
To anyone going through this abuse please know they don't change ever.
@devina1100,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience-it’s incredibly brave of you to open up about something so difficult. Hearing such a dismissive and invalidating remark, especially when you were vulnerable and sharing your pain, must have been deeply hurtful. It’s a stark reminder that some people, even those we hope to lean on, are not capable of offering the compassion and support we deserve.
You’re absolutely right-choosing to walk away is one of the most empowering steps you can take in reclaiming your peace and self-worth. Abusive individuals rarely, if ever, change, and staying only prolongs the pain. Your decision to say goodbye to that toxic dynamic is a testament to your strength and self-love.
Sending you love and wishing you courage on your continued journey. 💛
@PetraVanDeijl Thank you so much for your kindness and caring words.
What she said definitely was deeply hurtful yes.
I had grown used to that sort of coldness over the years but that was yet another thing to add to the damage pile.
I'm glad I loved myself enough to stay away.
Enough became enough.
Wishing you a wonderful and a belated Happy New Year ❤️
@devina1100, looool! how do I know that? mine said to me "no wonder hes abusive if you dont have your own place" (why would i live alone in a relationship?)
The lack of empathy is painful!
When I was beaten at school, I had so many bruises on my body and there was no alarm or sadness in her face when she saw them.
She asked me to keep it a secret from my dad.
Recently when my dog died, the vet had no empathy; somehow it triggered my old pain from the lack of maternal empathy and I felt severely wounded.
I have been no contact since 2022.
Thank you for these wonderful videos!!❤
My Mother was exactly like this with me, her only daughter. Then I had three Sons. We would go over to her house and she would compare a child in the trailer park next door, to my Sons who were always top of their classes, in Boy Scouting, lacrosse, cross country track.🫤🙄😔. They stopped visiting her. I don’t blame them. She put everyone else’s children before them. In her later years she would always mean about why they didn’t go visit her. 🫤. She didn’t know them. She didn’t want to. Those kids in the trailer park never saw her either-they had moved away with their parents decades ago. She was left alone due to her stupidity. She had me there of course. But her only Grandsons, she had not made herself known to them. Sowing and reaping.😔
@julieanna8495, thank you for sharing your story-it’s heartbreaking to see how deeply your mother’s actions impacted not only you but also your sons. It’s so painful when someone prioritizes outsiders over their own family, especially when your boys were thriving and doing so well. It’s no wonder they chose to step away; it sounds like they instinctively protected their peace.
You’re absolutely right-life often reflects the principle of sowing and reaping. Relationships require effort, love, and connection, and when that’s absent, the distance becomes inevitable. It’s clear you did everything you could, but her inability to value those around her left her isolated in the end.
It’s not easy carrying the weight of those dynamics, and it takes courage to face and process them. I hope you find peace in knowing that you’ve done your best. You’ve raised three wonderful sons who’ve gone on to lead their lives with strength and purpose, and that’s a reflection of you.
Sending you lots of love as you continue to heal and move forward. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. 💛
Thank you
They can make you feel like a toddler with just one glance.
@ViolAM3, thank you so much for your kind words. I truly appreciate your support and the time you’ve spent healing and growing on your journey. It’s incredible that you’ve been no contact since 2019 and have done so much work on yourself-it’s no small feat!
That ‘small dose’ you experienced at the family gathering makes so much sense. Even limited exposure to someone toxic can stir up a lot of old emotions and memories. It’s not a sign of failure; it’s a testament to just how deep their impact runs. Be gentle with yourself as you process and recover. Healing isn’t always linear, and it’s okay to need some extra time after moments like these. You’ve come so far, and this doesn’t undo your progress-it’s just another layer of healing. You’ve got this
@@PetraVanDeijl
Your voice is soothing 🙏🏻 I had to exit the toxic relationship with my mother. All you said is spot on. I never understood the jealousy.. how can a mother envy her own child 🥲
Right?
Thanks for sharing precious insights, Petra! Refreshing to learn that emotional dysregulation (and rumination, for me) is a consequence of narc abuse and neglect. My narc mom always projected her disdain of me by telling me when i was a young adult how I need to stop being so anxious, to go get therapy- i remember her just saying this when i was quietly reading in the kitchen not bothering anyone. Years later, I realized, a) I was not an anxious person in general, but anxious around her because of her abusivr behaviors and b).she was highly anxious and was one to talk about needing to get help from a therapist. Then I also realized her true dark side when she tried to relentlessly recruit my entire family to harrass, undermine and threaten my well being/knock me down from living a healthier life i worked hard to build and sustain ...without her. It has now been almost 6;years of no contact with her and family- no regrets. Definitely a lot less experience with dystegulation and anxiety.
They hate seeing you relaxed, joyful or proud. They hate you having friends too. For them we are dolls and once we are broken they discard us or throw us under the bus but everyone won't ever believe us. It seems once a woman become a mother she reaches sainthoood.
All of this resonates with me. Sadly, it took until my forties for me to start to recognize some of these destructive patterns. One awful pattern I noticed is my mother would provoke my anxiety and then try to use my emotional state to put me down and destroy my self worth in the guise of supporting me. It was just a really unhealthy pattern. When I realized it and broke it she kept trying to continue but I saw it then and. once you see it you can't unsee it. I wish I'd had all this information at a younger age. I could have spared myself so much emotional pain.
Real teaching here.
The emotional deregulation has to be the worst legacy she left me. Out of all of them its the one that torments me daily, even though I'm 4 yrs no contact. It feels like a curse.
@DystoDreamer, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way-it’s truly one of the hardest things to carry. Emotional dysregulation can feel overwhelming, but it doesn't have to be a curse, it’s a response to the trauma you endured. Healing takes time, but with consistent self-compassion, tools like breathwork, grounding exercises, or therapy, you can rewire those patterns. Four years no contact is such a big step-you're already proving your strength. Be gentle with yourself-you’re on the path to reclaiming your peace and power. 💛
@PetraVanDeijl thanks so much for the kind encouragement 🥹💛🙏🏽 I really appreciate it!
I became a successful illustrator after MUCH effort to break into a difficult field. Part of what drove me was to prove to people I had worth. But where did I get the idea I had no worth? From my narcissistic mother- and I didn't even realize it because she always played the victim.
What clued me in was my reaction to people saying they liked my work- I would feel shy & fearful and would change the topic. WHY? I figured out it was from childhood because I learned that any compliments I got from others made my mother jealous, angry and sad. It probably didnt help that my father was so proud of my work.
Your videos are really good and this one so validates the weird feelings I get from being complimented. Thank you !
Great to see you again, Petra! About mothers lowering a daughter's self esteem. My mother was born in 1917, and looks were very important to her. Being pretty and well groomed was a really big deal. As I came of age it didn't come naturally to me to "fix up." I also ate a lot and was a bit of an overweight teenager. I didn't know how to style my hair, and she took me to cheap hair cutting places that gave horrendous haircuts. I was basically a mess, but didn't worry about it. She'd say, "What are you planning to do about those SIDE PIECES of your hair?" (Over the ears hair) I'd say, "I have no plans for those." She'd say, "Well you ought to, and you're gaining so much weight, that you look like the SIDE OF A HOUSE." 😂😂😂 I just thought she was really funny. I didn't care as much about my looks or what people thought as she did. But now I'm elderly, she's dead and I miss her - even her annoyance at my "side pieces", because there were plenty of kindnesses and fun times with her along the way.
Beautiful woman, beautiful channel, thank you.
boundaries. I dont have them, dont have the concept of them or realization why do I or anyone else needs them or maybe I just have no proper understanding about what boundaries really are..yes, overcompensating so much in all relationships, so true, but my mom never allowed me to have something resembling boundaries and never taught them...why? - I guess, because then there would be this risk of me probably applying them in relationship with her too, not just others, and she wanted to have a doormat stooge daughter....boundaries, self respect..my own life ..all that was out of question and in some regards, still are...I am 35 now...CONTROL, selfish, MOCK, ridicule me together with my bro, when they both gang up against me and just mock and when I lash out, call me ''crazy''.....yeah....idk how to break out of this even....what is there to do even t gain her respect..because she told me once - ''i love you,but i dont respect you'' now sitting here and thinking, how to gain that respect...that would put the stop to mocking..but how, i dont know /please help if you have any insight and yeah no sense of self,, even at 35....My feelings never mattered either....I was just supposed to be quiet and convenient. like a tool, to be there in case she needs me,,,when she doesn't- shut up and stay out of the way.
They infantilized us. You don't know how to set boundaries because you were never allowed to set them. There's something called enmeshment which has nothing to do with love.
Hoi, Petra, thank you soo much, this video topic comes at such a good timing for me, wow, can't wait to hear your take on it, but - first got to comment for the sake of you tube algorithm! You can def dive more into family dynamics, and yes, is not so, that mostly daughters got mocked and turned into scapegoats , so much more often than boys/ sons?This happened to me, as you can imagine, and the aftermath is me being a people pleaser ( coz of inner fear of not appeasing people and then they will lash out at me and rage or silent treatment the way my mom did to me)! Warm greetings!- -new subscriber from Letland.
so glad to see youre back.
Thank you! Always happy to make new video's!
Thank you for this amazing video
You're most welcome! Thank YOU for taking the time to watch it!
This is very informative thank you for making us feel seen
Good video Petra, I recognize all you tell too although for me it's a different situation. I'm a son of a very toxic (narcissistic??) father, and have a very good relationship with my mother, who is very empathic and warm in contact, and especially save.
But it sounds terrible to be a daughter of a narcissistic mother. I can imagine being daughter of a narcissistic mother, can result for the daughter having problems with (groups of!) women during life and to fit in when it comes to going along with (groups of) women, especially when it comes to sharing feelings and information. I can imagine for the daughter they better can go along with man when it comes to friendships and making contact, but maybe I'm wrong. My father who anyway very dominant, dismissive, ignoring, controlling, emotional completely neglected, agressive. Just one kind of example what has shaped me a lot:
He ruined the contact between me and others I really wanted to have contact with, by letting it go wrong through telling lies about me/embarras me, or by getting the attention himself and letting the attention from others to me slacken by behaving dismissive in front of others like I'm not good as I am.
The other way around, it also happened that he wanted to connect me with all kinds of people that I didn't want to have contact with at all, because it didn't feel good/safe, or with whom it wouldn't click at all, simply because you can't click with everyone, what would be in a normal situation not a big issue for me. In those cases, he played on it: 'Go hang out with her/him, she/he is good for you, you should meet up together and build a friendship, I like her/him.' He only said that to me/us (even) when that person was there at that moment , and I felt enormous (vicarious) shame and social anxiety to dare to say 'no', and reacted completely with silence anyway, out of a feeling of inferiority, low self-esteem and enormous feeling of shame for the situation and myself (low selfesteem).
I can also recognize myself very much in the 5 symptoms and in many things that you say, but then from father to son. With father to son, competition and openly putting down the son in the presence of others (also with lying and manipulation) mainly play a role. Undoubtedly, some things, patterns and dynamics will also be slightly different when it comes to father and sons. But after getting help I'm growing in a better direction with myself, life and contacts and am happy I am able again to work almost 2 days per week and learning to built my life and on myself, although I always wonder where I must build on. Anyway I build my life now. I always feel very inferior and small in groups of men and have developed an avoidant personality and CPTSD.
@Anonymous-du4zt, thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and I really admire your courage in recognizing these patterns and seeking help. While the dynamics of a narcissistic father and mother can be very different, the impact on self-esteem, relationships, and personal growth can feel similarly challenging. It’s understandable that you’ve felt that sense of inferiority and social anxiety, especially when your father imposed those pressures on you.
It’s amazing that you’re now able to work on rebuilding your life and relationships, despite the struggles. The fact that you’re aware of these patterns and actively working through them is huge progress. Keep trusting the process and building on what feels right for you. It’s okay to take it one step at a time - healing and growth don’t happen overnight, but every step forward counts. You deserve to feel proud of the progress you’ve made!
@@PetraVanDeijl Thank you much Petra, I have a question for you, but have to explain a little to get my situation and question.
It's already getting a little better because volunteer work I do now more than 1 day, 1 day I go to a talking club in the neighbourhood 1 morning, and I'm going to try in future 1 day in week creativity with others in an mental institution. It has been a long road because avoidant is already existing from my 13th and CPTSD from my 16th, and an everyday struggle more than 20 years from CPTSD. I really believe men who are avoidant it is for a big part grown out of autoritair behaviour of one of the parents, for women also I think. But in men I guess often it are (narcissistic) father issues.
For a part, of course I know avoidant is also a temperament thing from little child on and the difference with it in western society, I'm conscious it's in myself too, also without abuse that should have been. As very little child there was much shyness and staying away from people (my mother says as baby it was already like that in the way I made contact), but that isn't such a big deal when people treat you okay and accept the shyness, even than the child will POSSIBLY grow over it or it becomes definetely less shy, and avoidant probebly will not develop. Avoidant can also feel in a certain way toxic for others, although I know I feel empathy and have good intentions with others. But I know I have hurt people much by my distant behaviour and avoiding contact because I feared a 'no' and intense fear for rejection when I almost tried to search contact, but at last moment I didn't out of fear. But I explained that to the people I hurt with my avoiding. They thought I would not have contact with them because they really thought they were not worth or that they were or did wrong to me.
The truth is that I really wanted contact with them, but the pain of fear for being rejected or the get a 'no' back was so big, that avoiding was the only option for me. After they knew that they get it and were relieved that they know what was behind my behaviour. I didn't even knew all my life I hurted people with my avoiding, but I get it the last year more and more, it's difficult to see the perspective from the other person for me, but I try to.
Toxic environments makes it grow quick worse the avoidance, and dissociation I have from both CPTSD of course, but also from issues with avoidant.
The question (end):
The only thing/problem is that I'm easy am bullied sometimes by narcissistic/not empatic people, because sometimes chronic dissociation/feeling acting passive makes me act absent or weak in front of others, and others get more power over me I experience in certain situations, especially when there are sadistic (psychopatic) grandiose narcissist who are partly covert, I sometimes get bullied in social situations. I'm absolutely not codependent, but when a narcissist is in my present from second one, they want me away immediatly, they see my complex trauma and avoidant(mistrust) part as a big big thread for their narcissism, especially in social group situations, and remark they see my mental problems as a thread in social situations. So absolutely no codependency in me.
Recognizing narcissists for me is very easy from child on because the big mistrust in people from avopidant makes that recognizing toxic (I mean bad intentions/sadistic way of toxic) people.
My question is:
How do I deal with bullies-narcissists when they cross my path?
Because I absolutely not attract narcissist, but on the contrary, they bully me or push me away immediately by being very rude to me, even from the first time we see each other. I feel their behavior is caused because I feel I look through them. I think much people with even alone CPTSD from youth trauma by narcissism, but who are not codependent, are easier targets for being bullied in the first place by narcissists/psychopaths in social situations.
This question, is a topic I/ve not yet ever seen in videos on youtube, but I think it is a big common problem among many people with CPTSD,:being bullied ingeneral (by narcissists/psychopaths, but also are sooner victims of material or forced doing tasks as forms of abuse by others (mostly narcissits/psychopaths I think).
How can CPTSD people deal with that Petra?... because it's roots is really in the youth.
This subject seems not yet to be on youtube, becausemostly it's about codependency, what I think is really understandable though.
My mother told me 'you are worthless, useless, good for nothing... (Insert swear word) This was after I spent the whole weekend every weekend cleaning the house
This explains why I feel unworthy all the time when I get an opportunity'
So basically being OK is Bad in her mind and being successful is unthinkable
Exactly.......sadly enough.
As always, Petra, thank you. Absolutely correct. I'm about to be 65. No children. Jealousy seemed to be the worst whip in my life with mom(deceased since Cristmas morning 5:30 am 2013) . I got truly scared of the sentences that would come out of my mouth. And, I would say, that sounds just like my mother. Noooo, I, a psychology major that wasn't supported, right. I couldn't learn how to get thru life the same way. So I stopped in 91 had first year's of sobriety, 5 years back out, 12 and a half more..I was there for my mother. No where else I would rather be, as 6 years of Alzhiemers, auto immune diseases. But ,hey, in struggling now with these people all around me as u have replied. Just thank you, Petra. Would love to see the Netherlands but ha e never flown. The music of Dan Fogleberg in late 1970s brought the vision. Thank you so much. ❤❤
@lindagreen9278, thank you for sharing your story with me. It’s clear that you’ve been through so much, and your journey is a testament to your resilience and depth of character. Navigating those complicated feelings-especially when you find yourself sounding like someone who caused you so much pain-is incredibly difficult. The fact that you recognized it and worked toward healing, sobriety, and showing up for your mother despite everything speaks volumes about the kind of person you are.
It sounds like you've done a tremendous amount of inner work, and even though the struggles with the people around you now feel heavy, please remember that you’ve already overcome so much. You have the strength to navigate this too. Sometimes, it’s about setting boundaries and prioritizing your peace, just as you’ve done before.
As for visiting the Netherlands: It’s never too late to do something new, even if it feels intimidating at first. Music has such a special way of inspiring visions like that-Dan Fogelberg’s music has such a timeless, soul-soothing quality.
Thank you for trusting me with your thoughts and experiences. I’m sending you so much love and encouragement as you continue your journey. You’ve already achieved so much. ❤
Yes my mom has actively tried to Mess me up in the past, has Even indirectly Admitted to that by saying „Arbeit macht frei“. What do you think about that. Maybe i can get some consultations with you
Hi @geminiaqua-i6d, Thank you for opening up and sharing this with me-it sounds like you’ve been through a lot. Hearing something as loaded and hurtful as "Arbeit macht frei" from a parent must be deeply unsettling. That phrase carries such heavy, damaging connotations, and it’s not okay to use it in any context, let alone within a family dynamic.
I’d be happy to support you on your healing journey. Please visit my website for more details www.petravandeijl.com
Wow I thought mine was bad. I’m sorry she’s said that to you.
@madelineimani4752 i also got kicked out overnight and she requested for me to pay off her half of the house to reenter, about 50k
I also Heard „i think i will always be Young and beautiful“ - so because im happy and have life going according to Plans i live unrealistic
The noise in the background is very annoying
@@corneliah.5928 I understand. I apologized beforehand in the comment section.
Be very wary of noises in videos. Vibrations and sounds do something to the brain.
God can change if the person is aware of it. I have/ am suffering from a extreme religious malignant narcissistic misogynist abusive mother. She thinks she is holy especially after she got baptized. She manipulated her own version of the bible. Only selecting verses that is to her convenient. You know, "you shall honor your parents" etc etc. She smoked, drank, was a teenage mom etc etc. All the things I never EVER did. Yet she is the FIRST to point the finger and judge. She avoided EVERY form of help. It's ALWAYS the other one. She is pure evil a true Jezebel. Lies and accusations beyond imagination. 24/7 smear campaigns. She wished me so much evil, on my birthday de*ad! I refuse to cry anymore because I can see a demonic smerk. She ALWAYS tears me down, damage my relationships. She always said that she gave up everything to be a mother. Infact she is very lazy can't get along with women. Accomplish nothing in life and she never motivated me to fulfil my dreams. She can't keep a job longer than a month. My whole life is one big secret. My family is toxic in general. Money hungry, envious and materialistic. I often pray for God to fight my battles and protect me from the generational curses/traumas deep rooted in my family. My mother thought me everything in life I do NOT want to be, HER!
@Michatember, I am truly sorry for all the pain and manipulation you’ve experienced. It sounds like you've been through an incredibly difficult journey, and it’s understandable that you’ve had to navigate such a toxic and confusing environment. It’s so powerful that you’ve found the strength to recognize what you *don’t* want to be and are seeking a path of healing and growth, especially in the face of such adversity. Praying for protection and strength is a brave step toward reclaiming your life. You deserve peace and freedom from the negativity and hurt. Keep holding onto your worth and the person you’re working to become. You’ve already shown incredible resilience, and I believe you can continue moving forward toward the life you want for yourself. Wishing you continued love and courage ♥