I Was an Elder
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- Опубликовано: 17 июн 2024
- “You can leave the church, but the church never leaves you.”
I WAS AN ELDER follows a gay ex-Mormon’s inward and outward journey back to the country where he served a two-year mission 20 years ago. Filmed on location in New South Wales, Australia, witness Emmy Award-winning filmmaker Jordan Currier’s battle to reconcile a painful past with a hopeful future using candid imagery, and personal accounts. Through Currier’s sui generis style - a blend of documentary verité and music video-inspired arthouse experimentation - experience his poignant story, decades in the making.
Filmed, edited, produced, written, and directed by Jordan Currier.
#exmormon #GayStories #GayExMormon #ChurchOfJesusChristOfLatterDaySaints #ComingOutStories #ShortFilm #experimentalvideo #MusicVideo #Iwasanelder #GayMormons #Travel #Australia 
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Whenever I get recommended a video like this, I feel like the algorithm is letting me in on a secret. Thank you for this
That’s very kind of you. Thank you for taking the time to watch!
This deserves an exmo Oscar. Which is a Moroni statue holding a beer. Thank you for telling your story ❤
So I wrote this comment when I wasn’t done watching. This is just incredible. Thank you for making something so beautiful. Also please please please make a playlist of the soundtrack ❤️❤️❤️
@@allzeenamesaretaken thanks man. I’m on Apple Music if you want to follow me there, and I have made a playlist with music from and inspired by my film. Appreciate you watching 💗 I’ll gladly accept that Moroni statuette LOL
As an active Latter-day Saint I also love that idea 💡 😂
Moved by your bravery. Anyone who has deconstructed knows the earth shattering pain of losing it all, but here you are all together again
This means everything to me. Thank you, sincerely. 💗
Leaving the church is very lonely and depressing. I wish there was a support group for me when I did. Let’s stand strong together! Life is still beautiful without the afterlife
@@joshyyekonsire1 it’s always comforting to hear from people who get it. Sending you love and gratitude for your kind words.
Really thought provoking documentary.
I served in Brisbane from 2013-2015.
The most difficult thing for me was the internalized guilt, shame, depression, self-hatred, suicidal thoughts, etc. - all of which I took upon myself, even though it truly belonged to the Church. But since (as a true believer) you can't blame the "perfect" organization restored by Jesus himself, you take all those things upon yourself.
I was truly convinced that my lack of baptizing the nations was due to some unworthiness or lack of faith. I felt like I was the center of the whole of human history, and I was squandering it. Everyone around me was "successful," and I was the only failure.
So sad that young people, who are beautiful, worthy, and worth being loved, are made by the Church to feel like garbage.
I can relate to everything you’re saying. It begins with realizing that the LDS church isn’t “perfect”, that it’s not “the only true church of Jesus Christ on the face of the earth”, but decoupling ourselves from those deeply-engrained beliefs is a long and painful process that involves letting go of lots and lots of guilt. I hope you’re in a good place now, and I really appreciate you taking the time to watch my film and to share your thoughts. It helps to know that I’m not alone. 💞
I am PROUD of you…sorry for the hurt the church has caused you.
Thanks, Sally. Big hugs 💗💗💗
My experience, while not exact to yours, definitely rhymes. The church was genuinely my everything growing up (even though I was often ostracized by my mormon peers for various reasons) and I had my queerness held in a deep secret place that I never fully acknowledged. I went to NYC on my mission and learned that the thing I'd based my life and morals around was boiled down to a sales pitch. I followed every rule and still stuck out like a sore thumb and couldn't connect with any other missionaries. I subsequently had a complete breakdown and got sent home 6 months in. I deconstructed, kept the morals of kindness and love, and threw the rest away when I finally let myself live as a queer woman. I often feel alienated by other exmos because many of them left in their teens and have a very flippant attitude about it and make fun of anyone who ever actually wanted to believe. In a lot of ways I feel caught between so many truths and experiences and in the end it just feels lonely. It feels nice to be seen a little by this video.
Thank you very much for sharing a little of your experience with me. It all has the ring of truth to me, and I know how painful it can be not only to subsume yourself and subvert your identity for the sake of others, but to then struggle to find a community after you come out. I hope you are in a good place now, and I am humbled and honored that my piece could help you feel seen in even a small way. Sending you love 🏳️🌈💗
@@jordancurrier3077 I am lucky to be in a good place with a wealth of many types of love ❤️ wishing you all the best.
Your story rings true to me. While I am a never-Mormon, I did grow up in a high-demand Christian cult, and much like you, I fervently believed and worked for my salvation and that of others. In my mid-20's, I finally made my escape good after having spent a few years in the Marines. Yet, even with questions, I persisted in my faith for at least another decade. However, the questions continued to mount and when I could not find God or His answers to my pain-filled cries in my deepest and darkest hours, I finally began the painful journey of walking away. I'm not sure where to actually identify the point of deconversion, but it was probably somewhere in my early 40's, and I have since allowed myself to flourish and find myself as Jordan describes. Yet, I still have moments where I wish my faith had been true. I am in the process of trying to find community, as I have lost nearly everyone in my life. I am thankful that my father still loves and accepts me, and I believe that my mother still loves me the best she can - though with the fear of eternal damnation, but I have lost friends, siblings, and a spouse in the process. Now, as I try to find myself and live authentically, I am also trying to build a new life and find that community that we all need so badly. I feel more free than I ever have, I do not feel the weight of sin, or the guilt of not being good enough, nor the fear of eternal hell. I feel joy in being who I am, and loving others in who they are.
@@caseytaylor1487 Hi, Casey. Thank you very much for sharing your story. I know that’s not always easy to do, but I’m blown away by the dialogue my film has opened up here with so many people - gay or straight, religious or non - and I’m deeply moved and gratified. It sounds like you’ve been on a hell of a difficult journey, but it makes me happy to hear that you’re in a better place now. It hurts me to hear that it came at the cost of so many relationships in your life. I’ve learned that if people who were once close to me couldn’t respect my choices or my authentic self, then they weren’t worthy of being in my life at all. I respect and admire you so much. And, of course, I am grateful for your service to the nation. Sending love and respect 💗
@@jordancurrier3077 Thank you, Jordan. I finally came out as bi to my girlfriend earlier this year, and it has been wonderful to be accepted and celebrated by her as I try to learn and explore this part of me that I am only just learning to accept for myself. It was wonderful to finally admit to myself that I can like men and not feel the weight of damnation, and to understand and recognized that there's actually nothing wrong with that and it's actually completely natural and normal. I loved hearing your story of how you came to embrace your own sexuality, and I loved the callbacks to having your wedding on the beach, to traveling even farther than you had on mission, and to finally plant your toes in the forbidden sand. ❤
this is such a wonderful autobiographical documentary, happy pride!
Thank you! Happy Pride 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🎉
I haven’t even fully finished this video and wow, you did incredible. This is seriously beautiful, I hope this video blows up. I’m not Mormon nor was I ever but your story is healing for anyone who needs help coming into their true authentic self. You are so brave. ❤️
Thank you very much. So incredibly kind of you to say. 💗
@@jordancurrier3077 I have been crying through it, I want to hug you while watching this. No one should ever have to chose between faith and self. This is the most beautiful depiction of what it means to deconstruct for those of us who have never experienced it. I thank you for sharing this, you are a special human who deserves love and acceptance always.
@@kellymurphy486 XOXOXO
@@kellymurphy486 and the same to you, friend. Your kindness is much appreciated and frankly much-needed. I came *this close* to not publicly releasing this.
Active member here. Your story is so beautiful, I hope this somehow reaches top church leaders. I admire you for living your authentic self and can see that you are filled with absolute goodness.
It's beena few years since my mission, but the section where you read bits from journal entries still hits hard and reminds me of my time serving. Just the frantic, tension building, anxiety-inducing, pressure cooker of emotions you feel, and how sharply it contrasts with how we were told the gospel should've made us feel. And then beating ourselves up because it must've been because we didn't work hard enough, or be faithful enough, or righteous enough, etc.
It was really cathartic to watch/listen to your experience, and I'm really glad you put this together. Thanks for making this!
You expressed that cacophony of emotions far better than I ever could. Thank you. And thanks so much for much for watching. That journal scene was fuckin HARD: I hadn’t read those journals in 20 years, so unearthing them AND recording pieces of those entries for the voice over felt like, I don’t know, immersion therapy or something. It was difficult, but ultimately cathartic.
Incredible work! I love the way you show the complexity of your experience in such an honest, open, and fair way. The videography and edit are stunning as well, just like the rest of your work! Thank you for sharing your story with us.
💗💗💗💗💗💗💗
Thank you so much for sharing your story. This is really powerful (and brave!).
That’s very kind of you to say. I’m so grateful you took the time to watch. 💗
The church has hurt so many people, and I love when an artist uses their medium to describe the pain - there are so many of us who feel it so intensely as well, and you put those feelings into words and images and music. We all need this for healing. ❤ Thank you for a beautiful film!
@@abbyeh1 Thank you very, very much. That means so much. 💗💗
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. As an RM and an exmo of 5 years, this really hit home. I'm so glad you have found your peace and happiness. Best wishes.
@@alanbarnes4991 thanks so much for your kindness, Alan. I trust you found peace and happiness, too. I hope you did. Leaving is hard as hell. It’s been amazing hearing from fellow travelers who have experienced the same kind of trauma. Love and respect to you. 💗
I clicked on this video without looking at the viewcount, just saw a 1,4 and a recent date. I was shocked to find out that it was 1,4k and had such high quality I'd expect from a much larger channel. You blew me right away.
And the musical transition into Cigarettes After Sex setting the vibe? Insane intro
You'll reach that 1,4m
Happy pride
Thanks man. The battle for views is real. If I can even find a small audience of people who get my unusual style then I’ll be happy.
5 minutes in and I'm hooked by your emotional and beautifully told story. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for watching!
What a beautiful and powerful documentary. It's very well-made and tells its story perfectly. I especially thought the emphasis on how the church creates the lenses that everything is viewed for very powerful- that new places and people were just things to be corrected and used by the church. I'm glad I got to see this.
I am humbled by your words and I thank you very much. I’m glad you got to see this too! I definitely feel less alone after reading so many generous comments from people who understand my intent with making this. Sending you love 💕
Thank you for this beautiful video. I, too, served a mission for the Mormon church and struggled with being a gay man. I can identify with so much of what you’ve presented here. I hope that this video will be cathartic for many of us who have traveled this journey.
Hi, Larry. Thanks so much for your gracious words, and for watching my film. It’s really amazing to hear that my story resonates with you, and I too hope that others can watch this and feel seen. That’s why I make art: to feel less alone. 💗🏳️🌈
Your story is ... as a queer person from a conservative (if agnostic) background, I have so many feelings. I also need to point out that from a technical standpoint your script, voice over, cinematography and editing are simply amazing.
Ps. I hope to see you on Cults to Consciousness in the future.
My sincerest thanks! I can’t tell you how humbled I am by what you said. Hugs 💗
@@PiskeyFaeri never heard of this! Tell me more…
@@jordancurrier3077 oh! It's a podcast by an ex-Mormon, where she interviews and discusses high demand religion. Have a look on RUclips, I think you might find it interesting. Very similar to Mormon Stories (John Dehlin).
Depending on your music tastes, you may also want to look up Tyler Glenn's album Excommunication. The song Midnight is incredibly powerful (especially the music video), but I'm very fond of the entire album.
@@jordancurrier3077 hmm, I wrote a reply but I think my app ate it. Please let me know if you didn't see it and I'll retype - and if you deleted it for other reasons, that's entire okay too, obviously.
Active Latter-day Saint here. Enjoying your work. I don’t see many of us in the comments but hopefully you get some attention from within the Church as well. Really cool the way you tell your story here.
Thanks for being open-minded enough to watch this!
Please share the link in your ward. ❤
❤❤
I’m glad you had the courage and took the time to watch this movie. Many members of the church will miss a beautiful story of truth.
What an incredible work you've done. I served as a missionary in Liberia from 2018 - 2020. Though we clearly served in different times, the technology used in the Liberia mission didn't catch up. The journals, planners, pamphlets and nearly every other resource pictured throughout this video is strongly familiar to me.
I am impressed at the strength you have, and had even as a missionary. You had the courage to write what you felt in your journals. The feelings of seclusion, depression and a lack of belonging that you expressed are incredibly similar to the feelings I never could share, even in my personal writing. Though I am not homosexual, I relate in a very real and poignant way to your descriptions of depression and struggle.
Your video is a testament to what so many of us go through while trapped in the church.
Thank you.
I really appreciate what you said. I definitely knew there was a universality to my experience that any former missionary, gay or straight, could relate to. I truly hope that you’ve been able to find some peace in your life. Sharing my journal entries was not an easy decision to make - and I hadn’t read them (for good reason) in two decades. I had forgotten how depressed I had been throughout the experience. I still dream about it to this day: being forced to go back into missionary service, in spite of who I am today, is a recurring nightmare I have. It feels almost like a prison sentence. Obviously I *chose* to serve a mission, and in many respects I’m glad I did. But the church tacitly encourages its members to deny their true feelings and put on a performance, and that’s no way to live.
This is so beautiful, thank you for telling your story. I left the church in 2009 after the Prop 8 campaign in California. I knew that what the church leaders were saying about being gay was wrong. I'm so glad you are able to be yourself and live the life that you want to. ❤
@@kathy9927 Thanks, Kathy. I so admire your bravery in leaving the church for just and moral reasons. I hope you are also feeling feee to be your authentic self, beyond the confines of that oppressive religion. Love and respect 💗
I feel like there was a reason I was recommended this. You are brave. I am subscribing. I think we are a lot alike.
Thanks, friend. Appreciate the kindness 💗
This gives me hope that I can one day make something beautiful of my deconstruction. Thank you for this art
@@everrose7851 sending you love and respect. I can’t tell you how much your words mean to me. 💗💗
Your story is so powerful and honest. I can feel the strength in your healing journey. I wish you happiness. Also, super dope soundtrack.
Hey thanks man, I really appreciate that so much. And glad you dig the music I curated!
As an exmo who served in Spain just over 10 years ago, this brought up so many feelings. Thanks for creating and sharing this powerful story.
@@brycehardy8774 and thank you for watching. I’m so gratified that my experience resonates with others.
What a beautiful and moving documentary! I relate to so much of it, as, I believe, anyone can. Hope you are sharing it through film festivals and showings.
Thank you for your beautiful story. Hugs from Denmark.
@@birgittetange6411 thank you, and hugs to you as well. I was just in Denmark doing some filming! Copenhagen is absolutely wonderful!
Thankful that I watch this beautiful story and so thankful that you N are happy ❤
@@user-mh3tt1nn8c I really appreciate that! ❤️❤️
Thank you for this. Love the soundtrack ❤
@@nathanchasse8189 thanks for watching! It was super fun curating all these songs. Love and respect to all those artists.
I’m two seconds in and already love it!
A pricey video, thanks for sharing!
Jordan, thank you so much for sharing this. I came across the video as I was refreshing RUclips looking for something interesting to watch. I was hooked immediately. It felt like you were talking about me the whole time. I don’t know you and I’ll probably never meet you in person but, again, thanks!
Thank you so much, Pedro. I feel very gratified to hear that my film spoke to you. 💗
EX-Mormon talking. I like you JUST the way you are! I'm proud of you for getting away. I know it can be hard and painful.
@@jennyelsie thanks, Jenny. Back at ya 💗
I never know quite what to think when I hear the stories of queer people. There are always bits and pieces I find a little bit relatable, and other pieces I can scarcely imagine. Most common are the pieces I’m afraid to compare to my own experience for fear of causing offense.
If I had to name the single most significant event in my life, I’d point to the time I dragged myself up to the pulpit on fast Sunday, mumbled out a story I thought of as miraculous, and then panicked in a rush to relate it back to some Gospel principle. My closing was about as generic as it gets. I just said that I knew God loved his children, and in that moment when I should have been an anxious mess thinking about all the ways I could have given a better testimony, I felt nothing but a calm assurance that what I said was true. I was thirteen.
It’s strange to me to hear of the Gospel that has been so instrumental to me spoken of as harmful while the movement I feel has harmed me in some ways is upheld as virtuous and liberating. I look back on my life and wonder how I ever could have imagined my parents might love me less if they knew what I was. I wonder how I could have thought people wouldn’t want to be my friends anymore. I feel lied to, and it’s easy to think of a rainbow flag and blame it for all of the lies.
That’s one of the challenges of life, I think. For those who stay, it’s easy to think of those who leave as lazy or sinful. For those who leave, it’s easy to think of those who stay as delusional and self righteous. I hear these stories, and it almost hurts a little, because I feel like I almost understand why people leave, but I also figure that if I really did understand, I wouldn’t be here.
Thank you, I needed to see this today!
@@ZakMakoff I’m so glad you found it! Thanks for watching 💗
Thankyou for your story and for trying to uplift others. Please don't hate God in these times as its man's lack of love to one another that's the real issue. Something interesting that's happening is that the native Americans are coming forth with there records and understanding now (2024), i wonder if they have more tolerance? SEE chief Midegah and the Birch Bark scrolls. The native Americans are also challenging the church to make changes. I also accept you and im LDS in Australia
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I am sorry you had to go through all that. Learning to love yourself is essential. There are many gay LDS happy in the gospel, it can work. Just sorry it didn't work for you and others. You mentioned about not being exalted and having spirit babies. That's a reason for opposite sex temple marriage. Glad that you have found some happiness. hope things go well for you.
@@lesgraham7722 your version of “happiness” for gay people in the Mormon church is a complete insult. You missed the point of my film entirely. Take your evangelizing elsewhere.
This is art. Art stays with you like Van Gogh’s sunflowers.
@@windigo44 your graciousness is so appreciated. All I have ever strived to make is art, as lofty as that may sound. I know that art by definition will be interpreted differently from one person to the next, but I am pleased that my work here resonates with you. Love and respect to you 💗
@@jordancurrier3077I get it because I also am artistic. There’s nothing I would alter in any way per your audiovisual statement.
During their lifetime very few people will ever leave a legacy of such quality and import in the public sphere. And, there, you just went ahead and did it. So thank you for sharing.
It thoroughly deserves to catch fire.
@@windigo44 💗💗💗
Great job!! I sent a facebook DM😀🥰😇
The Church and GOD always loves you no matter what. In the end, our own conscience hurt us.
I respectfully disagree. It is harmful doctrines, crafted by prejudicial men, that have hurt me and so many other gay Mormons and ex-Mormons like me. If there is a God, his or her love shouldn’t be dependent on anything, least of all my sexual orientation - something I was assigned at birth and something I have zero control over, like my eye color and my right handedness. Needless to say, I’m not interested in debating the veracity of my own experiences with an anonymous stranger who has clear biases. If you want to debate the issues discussed in my film, you’ll need to find a different forum with a more receptive audience.
Nelson has stated that’s not the case. Nelson has said that Gods love is conditional. I can point you to the a video where he directly says this if you would like.
@@Lomochenko did you mean to say “Nelson has said that God’s love is unconditional”? Because you wrote “conditional”. Your Freudian Slip here is amusing. There is literally NOTHING you can say or point to that I haven’t already heard or studied myself. Nothing. I know Mormon doctrine inside and out. I know exactly what all the so-called “prophets” of the Mormon church have said and continue to say about the LGBTQ community. Mormons themselves consider their doctrine to be immutable. So, even if you want to make the tortured case that your God’s love is unconditional, there’s still the cold, harsh reality that gay people are second class citizens in the church. God loves me unconditionally, but he won’t let me marry a man in his holy temple? Sounds like a massive condition to me.
Maybe someday you can look back and see where the Mormon church did some good in your life.
@@lcwalker2920 what makes you think that I haven’t? But whatever good came out of my life in the church paled in comparison to the trauma caused by it.
Beautifully made with such a powerful message! Thank you for making this film🙏 It's going to help heal so many people❤
@@Christina-qr2sg I appreciate your kindness. 💗🏳️🌈