How Narcissist/Borderline Child Experiences World
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- Опубликовано: 12 май 2023
- Freud and Jung: Re-integrating the Narcissist's Self
• Freud and Jung: Re-int...
"When alarmed, the child seeks proximity to a caregiver. But proximity to a frightening caregiver increases the alarm" (Hazen and McFarland, 2010)
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I am Bpd and I learned something about the reason I hate asking for help.
I think the world is in this state because of people raising children in an ignorant and incompetent way, the most important thing in the world is to be able to parent properly and carefully. Every parent should think about how they affect the world while raising their own child. no one is perfect but there is almost no one around me who hasn't had a childhood trauma, it's sad.
Thanks Prof. as always
{ if the mother is absent, how can you separate from absence } ❤
I won't be able to live a normal life until my mother is dead. I despise that woman with a passion. Please pray for my sanity and for a normal life. I pray that all who are suffering from Narc/ Borderline abuse are healed.
EDIT: Please be respectful with your replies. Especially if you are not well-versed in this type of abuse. Everyone heals differently. What works for you may not work for another. Please respect other people's truth. Thank you!
Me too. When i cry about ruined avoidant myself, i pray for all who suffering.
Let her die thinking she is the best mother in the world. Seriously. ❤. I don't underestimate your pain. But feel the release from doing that and recognise your compassion. Its what makes you truly human.
@@elspethstockwell9996 She is well aware what I think. I will not lie to her or myself anymore. I know where her abuse stems from and I do have compassion for that, but the connection will be severed for sure once she is dead, and that is what works for me.
I can't ever understand people that simply can't walk away from toxic parents. Just...leave.
@@juanencarnacion2832 It's not simple though. It's difficult for anyone to accept that a relationship was non reciprocal because it means it was dead from the get go (I think that's where the mourning bit comes in). And then it's just a short hop and skip away to realising the it was you who kept the relationship going all those decades, being entirely complicit. And then when you're feeling properly shitty about all that your inner critic (which you're convinced is you) tells you what a complete arsehole you are for being so stupid (which makes you angry). Its a proper 'head fuck' so it is
Everytime the world doesn't follow along with my fantasy my equilibrium has a panic attack. It's why I don't leave my house.
5:25.."a terrorizing presence"..verbally and emotionally abusive..
...my mother.
You are a genius and have helped me overcome the struggles and pain of many narcissistic relationships starting with my parents. You have given me my life back. Thank you.
Do you know at what part splits a narcissist from a co-dependant since they have similar early childhood experiences?
So true on narcissism. I'm like that to a t, makes me so anxious I could puke
So much insight!! Thanks Mr Vaknin
This absolutely fascinating. Once one becomes conscious of a split (I don't know the academic terms) it reduces anxiety but there is an infantile assumption that the splits are separate and they have two different goals to pursue so one's opinion shouldn't matter to other. It may feel like finding out there are two people but actually there is one person for practical means and purposes. Just by the fact that both inhabit one body, they cannot be separate even if they gladly choose to mind their own businesses. There's a whole different factor that the splits always have an agenda for the other in some shape and form. Most likely because both were split to meet certain needs of the child. They are inherently connected as are the two faces of the same coin. Often they are in opposition as much as they are in cooperation. Their cooperation often looks like opposition and vice versa. Becoming aware of one’s internal divides is helpful if one can find a way to work out an integrated modus operandi, values, goals even though the splits can never be integrated into one ego.
Thank you, Professor Dr Sam Vaknin.
Listening to you always opens up all the air vents in my brain.
Love and respect from India. 🙏
Thank you Sam great content as always❤
I understand now! Thank you! ❤
It sure doesn't feel like the narcissist is "self harming" when you're the one getting abused.
Do you blame a child for experiencing extreme trauma, neglect and abuse and their brain building these maladaptive protection mechanisms? Was that their fault?
Sure it's easy to blame them and makes you feel a relief of responsibility, but it is society's responsibility to view this as a mental health issue and treatment and therapy should be encouraged to break free from from the trauma cycle and improve our society.
What has gone wrong with narc that prevented them from sound reasoning? Narcs developed a personality disorder; they are a bag of coping strategies. They’re against everyone and everything, self-destructive. All the shows of the circus they manage are but to cover a bleeding ego that runs underdeveloped from childhood. When they feel hurt (usually unfoundedly) a child surges on the stage taking control of the situation. They should be treated as PTSD patients to help them dig, uncover and resolve past injuries from early childhood, if a health care practitioner is meant to see results.
@@dmacp6253i think you say this probably considering a narc situation moving around a family relationship, when compassion and understanding may be extended by family members. But in a work-related environment these extensions may not apply. Due to personality patterns of entitlement, usually narcs are seen on leadership roles, dismantling careful plannings made by others, moving things around to cover the day without proper justification towards goals long achieved by consensus, blaming to everyone and everything but them about unfit outcomes, causing chaos and destruction on everything they put hands on. They hire unfit personal and fire those who raise reasonable questions about what tasks entail. They don’t accept feedback, personalize issues, and are unable to offer constructive peer-feedback. They antagonize others by triangulation, gaslighting, public shame and private coercion. they’re unable to foresee consequences of actions because they lack proper self-reflection and their priority is to cover a bleeding ego, not a company’s goals. They’re fine carry on abuses such as making others work on weekends, and extra hours with no salary adjustments, pressure them to do the work of others running in an understaffed department, so they can appropriate these funds, they gaslight workers during all staff meetings, and plot against anyone they perceive threatening causing them to go on circling abuses of public shaming and flattering. Employees need to deal with situations like this, when they work for money to cover they family needs, and have to suffer mistreatment when they have nothing to do with the narc’s traumas and have no business on considering ‘understanding extensions’, and may have been orquestrated in a way that resigning strategies are not effective.
I honestly respect those who took time to understand and analyze the patterns of this personality disorder. Surely no one is perfect, neither parents, or situations in where they raised a sick child, whatever etc. However, besides of the fact that this effort to understand an abnormal personality is an act of love, the conclusions shouldn’t be cooperating in justification of perpetuating evil doing. Evil should be stop on the spot, cold turkey. No one can be responsible for the upbringing environment we’ve been brought to life. HOWEVER, we all are responsible for self-reflection and analysis in due age, or during conflicts with the environment in adulthood, and we are 100% accountable for our deeds, and for the seeking of necessary help we need to overcome or to develop healthy mechanisms to go about life. Such as this doctor mentioned somewhere, he was once a narc, realized his shortcomings, and committed himself to fix that. We do need compassion from others, but not as to perpetuate wrong doing, no matter what internal issues some had in life is Ike cleaning your house: you do it yourself before inviting others into your world. You don’t terrorize them moving things around in the dark, playing hide and seek in a hunting house and laughing when they trip. How childish is this in the adult’s world? Go home, open windows allow light in to see what’s inside, do necessary cleaning and repair, consider what’s needed, compare, seek for help and education, learn from others, test and apply. THIS all can do. No one is so unique that cannot relate with others. There are wars, famines and all sorts of undesirable situations that cause trauma in children. Fine. Do not justify evil. Do not perpetuate evil in the world.
This is one of the truest statements I have ever read. They are their own and your worst enemy.
I agree with the inquisition 😢
A brilliant assessment - explains my nemesis
So he needs other people to regulate and to obtain supply, but he does not what to express those needs? he thinks that other people will hurt him,and don t trust them,but they need them, and in the same time in reality other people offer them supply and get nothing in return except being discarded?
Could BPD/NPD develop from a situation where a neurotic mother finds it hard to keep her fears under control with a child under the age of 18 months who has a long term life threatening illness?
Yes.
@@samvaknin Thank you. Now I understand what happened. My Granny was fearing for my Grandpa who'd been captured by the Nazis, and for her brothers and a brother-in-law who went into hiding. My Mom was about 1 y.o. I wasn't able to get to the root of the problem (Mom is very probably a malignant N.), because as I knew my Granny and Grandpa (he survived), they were very good people.
@@ioannaioannina434 Thank you for sharing your situation. My father was in the Korean War and my mother (who is very loving) gave birth to a child that had Status epilepticus convulsions a couple of months after he left. She was very frightened all the time (according to her). To this day decades later she still brings up the trauma of my siblings convulsions. My sibling fits the BPD descriptions. I finally think I understand the dynamics that created our present situation.
Por favor mais vídeos com esse tema, querido Vam, o assisto aqui do Brasil. Agradeço muito! Deus te abençoe grandemente
My mother was wonderful to me growing up… my dad was the problem. What about undiagnosed BPD fathers who are explosive? I feel like I didn’t stand a chance with his genetics in the mix, and also with his way of “parenting”
So what if mom is stable but dad is the unstable abusive parent? Same impact? These theories always talk about the good enough mother… what about father?
What about searching this channel?
Dr. Sam a question for clarification I need you mentioned freud concept of primary narracism the mother and the child as one unit no object-subject boundaries is this explanation still relevant today after the resreach on infant and figures like otto kernberg turning away from the concept of primary narracism in his formulation.
Modern neuroscience is increasingly more supportive of Freud.
Could be also a dead father damage? Just mother? ( Please could elaborate on òrphans). Warm regards
Mother. Search the channel.
can you compare the manifestations of cluster B disorders that develope in early childhood due to the bad parenting to the ones that develope in adolescence
Professor Vaknin, I have a question about resilience: Why do some people become emphatic after narcissistic abuse due the mother and some become narcissists? There are people having a bad childhood because of narcissistic abuse due the mother but when they grow up they have a fulfilled life in a healthy relationship, with friends and high morality…no manipulation, no lies, no single thing a narcissist would do. Like the exact opposite of a narcissist. How do some narcissistic abused children get there and why do some of them don’t get there?
Probably heredity. Search the channel for “gene”.
@@samvaknin Thank you!
Where can I find in your content about dual mothership and how to heal from loving a person who is narcissist and a has antisocial personality disorder? About the 4 steps and about healing all that before moving on.
I believe I am an empath and I have been diagnosed with BPD with antisocial personality traits. I always try to be the saviour and trauma bond often. But I want to break this habit of always wanting to break to heal, it’s so painful. I’m trying to do the inner child healing work. Trying to figure out where to begin.
You can search my channel.
How are you doing? I think I struggle w similar things, but therapist only tell me I have depression I think bc I present as being so sweet and nice but I’m like no I’m a real terror if I feel abandoned or mistrustful and it’s not okay, help 😢 I’m 1000% sure my dad has NPD/HPD and his exes and all his kids are so sure of it too. but nobody can see how it affected me his youngest the only one who lived w him all alone and filled the role of my mom and older sister when he cheated and left the family
I worship 🛐 his shadow
Oef why cant i translate it to hebrew?
Society will only improve if we stop blaming people for a mental illness which they had no choice in receiving, and we see this as society's responsibility to encourage and support mental health treatment as much as possible to break free from the trauma cycle. And improve our society.
Do you blame a child for experiencing extreme trauma, neglect and abuse and their brain building these maladaptive protection mechanisms? Was that their fault?
Sure it's easy to blame them and makes you feel a relief of responsibility, but it is society's responsibility to view this as a mental health issue and treatment and therapy should be encouraged to break free from from the trauma cycle and improve our society.
What if from birth till 3 year u were separated from biological mother during the week by another strict female caregiver and you only saw mother on weekends..my own mother was also emotionally absent
I started hating my mother at puberty and did not want to grow up physically looking like my mother it scared me as hell she was very critical never affectionate
I was wondering if you could explain why a 16 year old doesn't show any (!) Emotions. The father is potentially covert narcissist. The mother is constantly working, not available. Parents are divorced. But the teenager doesn't understand why he need to smile. Is it that bad? Any chance to help him to enjoy life.