I noticed that I take care of people as much as I needed to be cared and assisted when I was a child. I was raised to be a little adult. I also struggle with self worth. I instinctively consider others deserve the real deal and that I'm not even worth to be cared. The traumatic experiences are so true...
@@catgirlamy6838 No hard feelings, but I gotta disagree here. I believe he genuinely wants the best for people... anyone can see that if they watch a lecture or two of his or perhaps by reading some excerpts from his book. There are people who would have you think he's an awful person without investigating it for yourself-I wouldn't say their motivations are exactly wholesome here. I crawled out of a dark place in my life partly due to the multitude of insights he's shared. While it would be wrong to say he's perfect, as he'll freely admit himself, you'll be hard pressed to convince me he's at that level of awful because he made a public stand against speech-codes written into public policy. I don't understand why preserving free-speech as a principle and on principle is controversial. You don't give governments an inch in this area... history shows us what happens when we compromise on fundamental liberties. You don't get egalitarian societies, you get bloodbaths every single time.
Cue me dropping everything to help everyone else and repressing my needs until I fall into a pit of depression...or forcing myself to belong because it’s easier than to deal with rejection
🤗 🤗 🤗 🤗 🤗 🤗 🤗 You need these? You are cared for. You have permission to care about yourself just like ours. I give you that right because I have been there and know now that you deserve it as much as I do.
You're not alone I put my butt on the lines for to many people that ghost me me when I am helping a blind man with addiction issues while I go to the same therapeutic place he does but they normally will always show you their true selves if they don't show care.. to you.. like don't want to talk to you unless they normally want something.. we all want to have authentic friends which is hard to come by.. Distraction of other people helping them deflect our stress and pains and helping them makes us feel better to not focus on our own pains.
I have the same problems. The worst is helping disabled people that have addictions ..they take advantage of me.. I continued to give them more chances..
Why do we care for others and not ourselves 1. People pleasing 2. Wanted to belong & loved 3. To distract ourselves from our own problems 4. Struggle with confidence and self-worth 5. Trauma or abuse in the past -> put us to shame and feel like we don’t deserve compassion in our life. Thanks so much Kati
I have always been like this. I think it stems from me not being loved and protected growing up from the people that were suppose to love and protect me. So I wanna show everyone else love and protection because I know the pain to not feel loved and protected.
Somewhere at some point in my childhood I was programmed that my needs were less important than others and that there isn’t time for me to take adequate care of myself. I still have to remind myself this isn’t the case. I haven’t figured out the exact origins of this yet.
"The real antidote to shame is vulnerability" Wow, this blew my mind. I never thought about this, but it makes a lot of sense. It is fascinating how much a simple sentence can help.
Thank you. I really needed to hear this today. I just went through a bad breakup and found myself thinking about all the ways I could have made it work, but in reality, I was just desperate to feel loved. I was trying to bend over backwards to make him care about me and to make him care about himself. But it’s just like you said, I can’t control how he reacts. I can’t make him care about me or help him when he doesn’t want to help himself. I was working so hard to make that relationship work that I completely lost sight of what I needed and wasn’t getting. I just kept telling myself that if I filled his cup he would fill mine later. But that was taking such a huge toll on me and I was completely ignoring my own needs waiting for him to see them. It’s so hard to admit that a relationship I want is not one that I need. It’s so hard to let go, but thank you for helping me see why I felt that.
Fitting in vs. Belonging. You hit the nail on the head. I realize I am often trying to fit in and I end up sacrificing my own needs along the way. Then I become angry and frustrated with myself. Thank you for pointing this out. No one seems to care about my needs or appreciate things I do for them. Yet I keep doing it to try and fit in and be accepted. I have decided to stop doing this and make my own needs a priority.
The last one about trauma really spoke to me. I grew up having spinal surgeries at least once a year and it took a toll on me. I frequently have nightmares that I'll have another one. I've always put myself down and tried to tell myself that this isn't trauma and that I'm being overdramatic about it. Others had real trauma. But that point you made really stood out to me and made me realize that maybe I'm running away from my own problems like this, which is why I'm more open to help and care for others over myself. Loving your videos. Thank you!
It can be so hard dealing with repeated traumas like that.. I am so sorry you had to go through that. :( I am glad you are enjoying the videos and I hope today's was helpful too!! xoxo
@Taryn Ambrose this one spoke to me a lot, too. I have a similar history (growing up having multiple surgeries), and I never thought about the intense empathy I felt for others as a coping mechanism or distraction from the repeated trauma, but it was. I'm sorry that you experienced so many surgeries, but I'm proud of you for sharing your story and wanted to thank you. I think this video can help us both to realize that , yes, we ARE enough. We are NOT our traumas. And we are just as deserving of the care we give to others 💜
That's horrible to hear, but I hope that you're doing a lot better now. I have a problem with comparing myself to others as well. Too often I feel like my struggles are invalid or of little significance because I know people who are going through worse or seemingly have similar struggles yet still are able to keep everything under control.
@@thegiovannimauro Thank you! I appreciate your kindness. I am doing better now! While I do still compare myself sometimes, I've gotten a lot better at validating and accepting myself and what I've gone through. :) Thank you for also sharing your experiences - I sincerely wish you the very best. Please know you are valid in your feelings and struggles. You're amazing!
for me I would just rather play off that I'm fine to everyone else so that no one feels bad for me and so that I don't feel like I'm hurting/upsetting others with my own personal issues
I’ve spent the last 2 days listening to your videos while I do things around the house. The words resonate well and I find myself going back over them. I’ve listened to your bipolar, suicide, depression videos and just- thanks for posting. For making mental illness more human.
This came at the perfect time. Its like you hear what im struggling with and boom there is the video. I've been watching your videos for years and they always help me. You are the reason I reached out for help. I am now on a waiting list for a emotions course thanks for the inspiration Kati! Xxx
Whenever I feel sad and lonely, I watch Kati videos for my big comfort and your videos really make me feel validate to me alot and again, want to say even when there is on one beside me, yet Kati , I feel like watching your videos feel like you are beside me as a therapist and thank you so much from the bottom of my heart
Yep, I am all five. It's interesting to realize how interconnected they all are for me, personally. The confidence and self-worth have absolutely been a longtime struggle that I say I'm gonna work on but never do, so I'll definitely try bridge statements.
I used to feel that others deserved to be cared for, but I didn’t deserve it because I hated myself, so I would help people a lot, and I was kind, and polite, and I tried to be what everyone else needed not giving a thought to myself because I dealt that they deserve it, and I deserved the worst. I struggled with confidence, and self worth. It’s part of what caused me to fall into depression, and suicidal thoughts.
I was also abused by my dad, but eventually I came to forgive him, and he changed, and became my best friend until I lost him in a failed attempt to get us all to the country he was in before he married my mom. When he was abusive my sister always had my back, and I had hers, but now she’s gone too, and life seems terrifying.
This is why I self isolate others I will just throw myself into healing others as a distraction, plus it's hard to recognise why anyone would want to spend time with me so I create a need which, typing it now sounds so Sinister
This is a great video! I love this topic because it is so common and I struggle so much too. Something that you didn’t touch on, was that many of us have been brought up and taught to “be kind”, “share”, “do for others before yourself”. Those of us who are religious really believe that humility and selfless love are valued traits. But this doesn’t mean that we take care of others at our expense. How can people who really want to have character traits of selfless love and humility learn how to balance this with making sure we are taking care of ourselves first and not running ourselves ragged?
Good stuff. Had to watch this a few times. As a survivor of many abuses, it is tough to stick up for yourself. Always good to have a reminder from someone who is objective.
Thanks so much for making this video. I really really needed to see it. I was abused by an ex-friend/roommate for a few years and even though it’s about 4 years later, I haven’t processed any of the trauma because I’ve been avoiding it and focusing on other peoples’ issues instead. I haven’t really focused on my problems because I haven’t felt like I deserve help. I get anxious when I think about receiving help and this video was really nice and encouraging👍
Wow, I had a realization while watching this video. I tend to feel badly when I'm able to focus more than my husband can, as I hate when I trigger his BPD issues with my success of getting through the BPD issues in myself. Last night, I went to bed on eggshells and woke on eggshells, which only enhances the anxiety in myself and the avoidance in my husband. Rough days happen. Sometimes more often than not. But the little moments where I sanity check myself and find peace help me be there for people in a healthier way. I black out less often from DPDR these days, all because I'm putting self-care as a priority.
This was really helpful. Thank you,Kati! I think the reason I struggle with people pleasing is trauma because I feel I am too broken to be worth fixing. My left brain tells me this is false but my right brain screams over my left. At least that's how I describe it.
Thank you for making and posting this, Kati. I've been feeling really worthless about a lot of things (i.e., my job - even though it's an awesome one). I identify with almost all of the points you talked about, and I'm glad you provided ways to combat each one.
This video resonated with me so much, the amount of time and effort and everything about myself I've wasted because I wanted to make others feel good just to have it thrown in my face sucks but no matter how much it does get thrown back at me I still try and see the good in people and the cycle repeats
Keep up the great video content Kati. I've been able to pick up aspects, here and there, of almost all your videos to apply in my daily life. You really are a bright spot in the mental health corner of RUclips. I love that you admit that mental health isn't just "fluffy" self care regimens, but that it's hard and also scary at times. BUT it's completely doable and worth the effort. Thank you. 🙂
Guys never be an emotional punching bag for anyone, even if it's unintentional. You don't have to save everyone, that can become very toxic very fast. Don't destroy your life you're too precious okii?
I might be a mix of all of these, but it wouldn't surprise me if the last one is predominant. I personally don't see the point in discussing my own feelings. Bad things seem to happen when I do, so I just don't. I'm definitely in the group of people who think that others are much more deserving of help than I am. I've been told countless times that I'm just simply overreacting. And sometimes maybe I was, but to be honest, it makes it a bit tricky to tell the difference between overreacting and genuinely needing help. Sometimes I'll cave in and look for someone to vent to, or ask for help when things get especially overwhelming, but it's not my number one priority. Otherwise, I really couldn't care less about how I feel.
I also feel like it is easier to care for others before ourselves because it is a way to not focus on ourselves. When all of our time is taken up with tasks or other people, it is easier to not look inward. Looking inward is scary, and can lead to emotions we aren't used to dealing with.
Well spoken Paige, but the thing is, caring for oneself is caring for others as well, and it gives you the power to be there even more for others. have a wonderful day and wish you a merry Christmas! 😊
I've given up on trying to fit in. I've lost friends and jobs, but it's easier to not care than to put years of effort into something with absolutely no return on investment.
Thanks Kati! Great video! Especially this week! My best friend died and I’ve been so busy focusing on everyone else I haven’t had time for myself. I’m gonna share this video with my therapist tomorrow, she’s been hearing bits and pieces for years! Lol But honestly, thank you! Much love and hugs❤️ praying the air is improving there and fires going out and you and Sean can start getting out for walks again soon!
I just find it easier to put the blame on myself. No one really wants to listen to my thoughts, but repeat the words they want to hear. I don't do the things I am suppose to do. If I am lazy it is easier for them to except, and then I can go home and hide from the world.
I can just feel your anxiety coming through in the beginning. Are you okay, Kati? I hope you’re taking your own advice here - take care of yourself!! You give so much love and help so many people. I hope you’re doing the same for yourself! ❤️
Your videos are so helpful Kati! Thank you for sharing. I’m realizing that I have childhood trauma around belonging so I focus on others and people please, making them more important and draining my own cup. I’ll cancel everything I have planned in a day for someone else, even when they don’t ask for it or need it. I don’t prioritize myself and it’s the always the first thing I cancel. Thank you for helping me see this insight!
I see that the first four are examples of point 5. I would say that mine is abusive reinforcement which is also part of 5. I was treated like I was bad. I was ignored and lacked proper socilising skills. As an adult I thought I had to try and qualify to get attention. I panicked when attention came on me. I felt people were angry with me for standing out or may attack me with lies due to jealousy. I became hysterical when I was cornered into a situation where it was possible for me to be blamed for something I could not do. I felt condemned and sometimes diseased. What made me feel relevant was doing a good job. It increased my problem solving skills and my isolated moments made me a good body language reader and I would see things long before it happens. I believe that restrictions in life offer up skills that are unique or even genius. I hope those struggling with this issue like me and my past, can develop avenues to come out of it. Recently I have been going through counselling sessions that allowed me to trust myself more and be a little more selfish. The latter was hard but the first one, trust, helped me support my own views and not differ to others. It was nice of my counsellor to say that I am saying I dont trust people but you dont even trust yourself. That made me sit down. She is good. So please be cautious in knowing how important it is that step to trusting yourself is in coming out of this zone we suffer from at times. I am looking at videos learning how to organise myself so that I can be more "selfish/self-serving".
Thank you so much Katie. I've been following your channel for a couple of years now and you have been great help. I have battled with people pleasing since I was a child but I did not realize that I was neglecting myself until I reached burnout and your videos help me realize that my body was giving me signals that it was time to take care of me.
here's why this episode is important to me: narcissist mom instructs me. at some impressionable age, specifically not in the typical concept of "put others first," but instead "always put yourself last." after I'd had a few days to absorb this. i asked, "put myself 'last' after how many people? like, all of them? & she just shrugged & stared back at me, like "you figure it out. i didn't make up the rules." so, to me, anyone and everyone in the world is kore deserving of my time, attention, & care.
Glad I'm not the only one with this issue. This is also why I take issue with the insipid saying that the only way to love others is to love ourselves, first. I can see why that makes sense, but it doesn't always work that way. Some of us love others and have no idea how to love ourselves. At all.
I am so grateful for your work. I cannot access mental health and im going thru this at this very moment. This short peice is very helpful information . thank you for the work you do on here 🙂
Hi Kati!! I need help, could you maybe do a video about avoidant personality or social anxiety, agoraphobia and the graduation ceremonies. I have been told I need to pay fees if I don’t go and I really do not want to go, just leaving my house for more than a hour or two is huge for me and going back to highschool for graduation is making me feel extremely overwhelmed and anxious, I have no friends there and having even just a second of spotlight on me is enough to make me want to throw up. My family is being very pushy about it because they don’t see it as a big deal since « you’ll never see them again » and honestly they just want me with the clothes and hat on but to me it holds no meaning at all and I hated my highschool years. What should I do?? Can I tell the school I won’t attend? Do I have to go for my family?? They probably don’t believe in avoidant personality disorder so I never told them abt it but they know about my social and generalized anxiety, panic attacks and my agoraphobia and they often tell me I’m just overdramatic. I don’t want to be rude and disappoint them but it’s just too much to take. I don’t know what to do I’m sorry for writing too much and annoying you it’s okay if you don’t answer!! Thank you for all your helpful videos💗💗
Yes! I took the first step already, you know. I reached out to a therapist. Thank you Kati I was praying so that you do a video on this but I did not find words. Thanks a lot Kati!
Fun... I have always thought that im a people pleaser... Im always scared of what other people think about me and feeling left out or ignored... I dont know if it is because i have autism... But i also had a dad who could be pretty violent... About half a year ago i chose to not talk to him again until he promise to atleast try to work on his behaviour... Because i cant take it when scold me for things that arent my fault and wont let me into conversations... He also lies about others and I think he might have told people in the family that they should treat me a certain way because i have autism... After half a year he still havent tried to fix it and people make me out to be the evil one because he is so good at lying and acting innocent... One of your videos made me understand that there are more than one kind of psychologists so even though i had given up on psychologists because i had went to a lot as a child and I always felt they wanted to talk about stupid things... I have now found a good psychologist who is helping me with my childhood traumas 🙂 your videos have also helped me understand a lot more about a lot of things from my past... Your video on gasligthing made me cry because i could relate so much...
Fuck… I was being a people pleaser because I realized it was a “LEARNED HABIT”. - From watching my mother in my toddler years and teens… As I was watching this video; and listening to Kati Morton describe the behavior of a “PEOPLE PLEASER” and how people can obviously see what I’m doing; but as I replay all my previous past experiences like: Cleaning my Apartment community HallWay, while my entire apartment is trashed… then become so tired because I spend 4-6 hours mopping and stripping the hallway floor: I put myself on the back burner. I started trying to fix my mom’s anger unhappiness since I was a little boy. I even told myself that I will grow up and find out what is wrong with my parents mentally. It’s like their stuck in a past memory or stuck in their minds. Never present. Then , I became stuck in my head. Now I’m trying to get out. And this is one of the first steps: “Stop being a fool and love yourself first, because people can see what I can’t as I’m thinking I’m manipulating them, it makes me look like a coward when I don’t consider my happiness first. I’m glad Kati Morton just broke this hypnosis I was under.🙏😇🙃
God bless you all!:) I'm so very blessed to have a lot of great people in my life who take care of me and encourage self-care, but I'm so glad you did a video about this Kati:)
What about the people who people please not to gain their affection for ourselves, but because we don’t want them to feel like we don’t like them? Or, because we don’t want them to feel rejected, so we can help preserve their sense of confidence, pride and self-worth?? This is what my problem has been. I’m afraid to do what I want or what’s good for me because then I’ll feel selfish and ultimately a terrible person. I know this thought process is skewed and flawed. Whenever I talk to people to get support, I always get shallow, cliche responses. Trying to get people to understand or empathize my point of view is almost impossible and most of the time pointless because I never feel better. Right now, this is how I feel. My confidence has shattered and I’m just absolutely exhausted, mentally and emotionally. I know I need to make changes, but I’m not sure where/how to start. It’s a hard thing to deal with.
Hey Kati! Blessings! Do you have any videos on pet grieving? And how to cope with it? I am probably being lazy and haven’t looked around. But just in case. I love your videos , been a follower for a couple of years now. 🙏🏼🌻 thank you for all the information you provide to us.
I have this problem 2 weeks ago I was going to commit myself into the psychiatric ward having overwhelming Suicidal Thoughts but my sister and niece needed my attention more
I noticed that I take care of people as much as I needed to be cared and assisted when I was a child. I was raised to be a little adult. I also struggle with self worth. I instinctively consider others deserve the real deal and that I'm not even worth to be cared. The traumatic experiences are so true...
Me
Thats me as well
Why have i never heard this before. I totally believe that's why i can't stop caring for others and neglecting myself
I feel so sad right now. Kati's videos are so comforting
I am sorry you're feeling low.. I hope this video was helpful!! xoxo
Hugs to you❤️
I can CONFIRM to that
🥺💕
Sending you some love!
"Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping." -JBP
Woah
Wish JBP would help himself not be an awful person tho :(
@@catgirlamy6838 wait, what did he do?
@@Jinx-iw6zb Nothing.
@@catgirlamy6838
No hard feelings, but I gotta disagree here.
I believe he genuinely wants the best for people... anyone can see that if they watch a lecture or two of his or perhaps by reading some excerpts from his book.
There are people who would have you think he's an awful person without investigating it for yourself-I wouldn't say their motivations are exactly wholesome here. I crawled out of a dark place in my life partly due to the multitude of insights he's shared. While it would be wrong to say he's perfect, as he'll freely admit himself, you'll be hard pressed to convince me he's at that level of awful because he made a public stand against speech-codes written into public policy. I don't understand why preserving free-speech as a principle and on principle is controversial. You don't give governments an inch in this area... history shows us what happens when we compromise on fundamental liberties. You don't get egalitarian societies, you get bloodbaths every single time.
Cue me dropping everything to help everyone else and repressing my needs until I fall into a pit of depression...or forcing myself to belong because it’s easier than to deal with rejection
🤗 🤗 🤗 🤗 🤗 🤗 🤗 You need these? You are cared for. You have permission to care about yourself just like ours. I give you that right because I have been there and know now that you deserve it as much as I do.
You're not alone I put my butt on the lines for to many people that ghost me me when I am helping a blind man with addiction issues while I go to the same therapeutic place he does but they normally will always show you their true selves if they don't show care.. to you.. like don't want to talk to you unless they normally want something.. we all want to have authentic friends which is hard to come by..
Distraction of other people helping them deflect our stress and pains and helping them makes us feel better to not focus on our own pains.
I have the same problems. The worst is helping disabled people that have addictions ..they take advantage of me.. I continued to give them more chances..
Why do we care for others and not ourselves
1. People pleasing
2. Wanted to belong & loved
3. To distract ourselves from our own problems
4. Struggle with confidence and self-worth
5. Trauma or abuse in the past -> put us to shame and feel like we don’t deserve compassion in our life.
Thanks so much Kati
That distinction between fitting in and belonging is so important. I love how you explain it.
Hey Cassie, aye that was such a spot on explanation! 😊
Feel free to stop by if you wanna see some Kindness videos.
Have a wonderful day!
I ask myself this question every single day, and still do it anyway!
Same
Admir Barucija. Hello hope you been doing ok
@@nikkimckay860 Hello, I hope you have as well :)
Thank you 🙏 for making this video 💕
It can be hard to stop.. but I hope this video helps!!! xoxo
I have always been like this. I think it stems from me not being loved and protected growing up from the people that were suppose to love and protect me. So I wanna show everyone else love and protection because I know the pain to not feel loved and protected.
I understand that..me too
This is EXACTLY how I feel 😞
It's not bad that we love and protect others but we should find people who will do the same for us.
Somewhere at some point in my childhood I was programmed that my needs were less important than others and that there isn’t time for me to take adequate care of myself. I still have to remind myself this isn’t the case. I haven’t figured out the exact origins of this yet.
cen. childhood emotional neglect aka cptsd. google dr jonice webb, 'running on empty'. ✌
"The real antidote to shame is vulnerability"
Wow, this blew my mind. I never thought about this, but it makes a lot of sense.
It is fascinating how much a simple sentence can help.
Thank you. I really needed to hear this today. I just went through a bad breakup and found myself thinking about all the ways I could have made it work, but in reality, I was just desperate to feel loved. I was trying to bend over backwards to make him care about me and to make him care about himself. But it’s just like you said, I can’t control how he reacts. I can’t make him care about me or help him when he doesn’t want to help himself. I was working so hard to make that relationship work that I completely lost sight of what I needed and wasn’t getting. I just kept telling myself that if I filled his cup he would fill mine later. But that was taking such a huge toll on me and I was completely ignoring my own needs waiting for him to see them. It’s so hard to admit that a relationship I want is not one that I need. It’s so hard to let go, but thank you for helping me see why I felt that.
Fitting in vs. Belonging. You hit the nail on the head. I realize I am often trying to fit in and I end up sacrificing my own needs along the way. Then I become angry and frustrated with myself. Thank you for pointing this out. No one seems to care about my needs or appreciate things I do for them. Yet I keep doing it to try and fit in and be accepted. I have decided to stop doing this and make my own needs a priority.
The last one about trauma really spoke to me. I grew up having spinal surgeries at least once a year and it took a toll on me. I frequently have nightmares that I'll have another one. I've always put myself down and tried to tell myself that this isn't trauma and that I'm being overdramatic about it. Others had real trauma. But that point you made really stood out to me and made me realize that maybe I'm running away from my own problems like this, which is why I'm more open to help and care for others over myself.
Loving your videos. Thank you!
It can be so hard dealing with repeated traumas like that.. I am so sorry you had to go through that. :( I am glad you are enjoying the videos and I hope today's was helpful too!! xoxo
@Taryn Ambrose this one spoke to me a lot, too. I have a similar history (growing up having multiple surgeries), and I never thought about the intense empathy I felt for others as a coping mechanism or distraction from the repeated trauma, but it was. I'm sorry that you experienced so many surgeries, but I'm proud of you for sharing your story and wanted to thank you.
I think this video can help us both to realize that , yes, we ARE enough. We are NOT our traumas. And we are just as deserving of the care we give to others 💜
@@allicurry8854 thank you so much! ❤❤
That's horrible to hear, but I hope that you're doing a lot better now. I have a problem with comparing myself to others as well. Too often I feel like my struggles are invalid or of little significance because I know people who are going through worse or seemingly have similar struggles yet still are able to keep everything under control.
@@thegiovannimauro Thank you! I appreciate your kindness. I am doing better now! While I do still compare myself sometimes, I've gotten a lot better at validating and accepting myself and what I've gone through. :)
Thank you for also sharing your experiences - I sincerely wish you the very best. Please know you are valid in your feelings and struggles. You're amazing!
for me I would just rather play off that I'm fine to everyone else so that no one feels bad for me and so that I don't feel like I'm hurting/upsetting others with my own personal issues
THIS IS ME 100% !!
Much easier plus nobody has gossip
I’ve spent the last 2 days listening to your videos while I do things around the house. The words resonate well and I find myself going back over them. I’ve listened to your bipolar, suicide, depression videos and just- thanks for posting. For making mental illness more human.
This came at the perfect time. Its like you hear what im struggling with and boom there is the video. I've been watching your videos for years and they always help me. You are the reason I reached out for help. I am now on a waiting list for a emotions course thanks for the inspiration Kati! Xxx
Whenever I feel sad and lonely, I watch Kati videos for my big comfort and your videos really make me feel validate to me alot and again, want to say even when there is on one beside me, yet Kati , I feel like watching your videos feel like you are beside me as a therapist and thank you so much from the bottom of my heart
Yep, I am all five. It's interesting to realize how interconnected they all are for me, personally. The confidence and self-worth have absolutely been a longtime struggle that I say I'm gonna work on but never do, so I'll definitely try bridge statements.
I used to feel that others deserved to be cared for, but I didn’t deserve it because I hated myself, so I would help people a lot, and I was kind, and polite, and I tried to be what everyone else needed not giving a thought to myself because I dealt that they deserve it, and I deserved the worst. I struggled with confidence, and self worth. It’s part of what caused me to fall into depression, and suicidal thoughts.
I was also abused by my dad, but eventually I came to forgive him, and he changed, and became my best friend until I lost him in a failed attempt to get us all to the country he was in before he married my mom. When he was abusive my sister always had my back, and I had hers, but now she’s gone too, and life seems terrifying.
This is why I self isolate others I will just throw myself into healing others as a distraction, plus it's hard to recognise why anyone would want to spend time with me so I create a need which, typing it now sounds so Sinister
I’m from Russia but your articulations is so good so I can understand you without subtitles 👏🏻
Life is a physical test - we are all spiritual beings undergoing it. Thanks so much for this great advice.
This is a great video! I love this topic because it is so common and I struggle so much too. Something that you didn’t touch on, was that many of us have been brought up and taught to “be kind”, “share”, “do for others before yourself”. Those of us who are religious really believe that humility and selfless love are valued traits. But this doesn’t mean that we take care of others at our expense. How can people who really want to have character traits of selfless love and humility learn how to balance this with making sure we are taking care of ourselves first and not running ourselves ragged?
I always puts other needs before my own. I can relate to all you said.
This was exactly what I needed to hear! The funny part is that I am about to talk about this topic with my therapist later today. Thank you :)
Yet another video from Kati that feels tailored to me personally.
Good stuff. Had to watch this a few times. As a survivor of many abuses, it is tough to stick up for yourself. Always good to have a reminder from someone who is objective.
This video is gold! The people pleasing and self confidence is something I struggle with
Thanks so much for making this video. I really really needed to see it. I was abused by an ex-friend/roommate for a few years and even though it’s about 4 years later, I haven’t processed any of the trauma because I’ve been avoiding it and focusing on other peoples’ issues instead. I haven’t really focused on my problems because I haven’t felt like I deserve help. I get anxious when I think about receiving help and this video was really nice and encouraging👍
Wow, I had a realization while watching this video. I tend to feel badly when I'm able to focus more than my husband can, as I hate when I trigger his BPD issues with my success of getting through the BPD issues in myself. Last night, I went to bed on eggshells and woke on eggshells, which only enhances the anxiety in myself and the avoidance in my husband. Rough days happen. Sometimes more often than not. But the little moments where I sanity check myself and find peace help me be there for people in a healthier way. I black out less often from DPDR these days, all because I'm putting self-care as a priority.
This was really helpful. Thank you,Kati! I think the reason I struggle with people pleasing is trauma because I feel I am too broken to be worth fixing. My left brain tells me this is false but my right brain screams over my left. At least that's how I describe it.
Just what I needed to hear. I struggle with every reason you said
It felt so nice setting boundaries. Thank you for these videos and for guiding.
your voice calms me down so much 😩 whenever I'm feeling down all I have to do is to watch your videos
You’re helping me so much, thanks Kati! 🥺❤️
Awe I am so glad :) xoxo
Thank you for making and posting this, Kati. I've been feeling really worthless about a lot of things (i.e., my job - even though it's an awesome one). I identify with almost all of the points you talked about, and I'm glad you provided ways to combat each one.
This video resonated with me so much, the amount of time and effort and everything about myself I've wasted because I wanted to make others feel good just to have it thrown in my face sucks but no matter how much it does get thrown back at me I still try and see the good in people and the cycle repeats
Keep up the great video content Kati. I've been able to pick up aspects, here and there, of almost all your videos to apply in my daily life. You really are a bright spot in the mental health corner of RUclips. I love that you admit that mental health isn't just "fluffy" self care regimens, but that it's hard and also scary at times. BUT it's completely doable and worth the effort. Thank you. 🙂
This video is exactly what I needed to see. It is what I deal with.
Thank you, Kati................................................Berta
Yes to the belonging vs fitting in!! Great explanation on the differences! Thank you!
Wow!!! You blew my mind!!! I have to watch this a few more times and meditate on this more!!!
Guys never be an emotional punching bag for anyone, even if it's unintentional. You don't have to save everyone, that can become very toxic very fast. Don't destroy your life you're too precious okii?
This is amazing Kati!! Thank you for your wise words and positivity ❤️
It's so great that you got a sponsor! Yay! 😄 And two last reasons you bring up resonnated with me. Thank so much for all your great videos!
You are so welcome!
I might be a mix of all of these, but it wouldn't surprise me if the last one is predominant.
I personally don't see the point in discussing my own feelings. Bad things seem to happen when I do, so I just don't. I'm definitely in the group of people who think that others are much more deserving of help than I am. I've been told countless times that I'm just simply overreacting. And sometimes maybe I was, but to be honest, it makes it a bit tricky to tell the difference between overreacting and genuinely needing help.
Sometimes I'll cave in and look for someone to vent to, or ask for help when things get especially overwhelming, but it's not my number one priority.
Otherwise, I really couldn't care less about how I feel.
I also feel like it is easier to care for others before ourselves because it is a way to not focus on ourselves. When all of our time is taken up with tasks or other people, it is easier to not look inward. Looking inward is scary, and can lead to emotions we aren't used to dealing with.
Well spoken Paige, but the thing is, caring for oneself is caring for others as well, and it gives you the power to be there even more for others.
have a wonderful day and wish you a merry Christmas! 😊
I've given up on trying to fit in. I've lost friends and jobs, but it's easier to not care than to put years of effort into something with absolutely no return on investment.
Thanks Kati! Great video! Especially this week! My best friend died and I’ve been so busy focusing on everyone else I haven’t had time for myself. I’m gonna share this video with my therapist tomorrow, she’s been hearing bits and pieces for years! Lol But honestly, thank you! Much love and hugs❤️ praying the air is improving there and fires going out and you and Sean can start getting out for walks again soon!
I just find it easier to put the blame on myself. No one really wants to listen to my thoughts, but repeat the words they want to hear. I don't do the things I am suppose to do. If I am lazy it is easier for them to except, and then I can go home and hide from the world.
The first rule about love is to learn to love yourself, if you cannot love yourself, you cannot love anyone
It is vastly important to love oneself, but if one does not, one can still love another. Plz stop spreading that bs phrase.
I literally cried by the end of the video thank you so much kati ❤❤
Hi Kati!! I really love your videos! This video really helped me a lot right now
I can just feel your anxiety coming through in the beginning. Are you okay, Kati? I hope you’re taking your own advice here - take care of yourself!! You give so much love and help so many people. I hope you’re doing the same for yourself! ❤️
Your videos are so helpful Kati! Thank you for sharing. I’m realizing that I have childhood trauma around belonging so I focus on others and people please, making them more important and draining my own cup. I’ll cancel everything I have planned in a day for someone else, even when they don’t ask for it or need it. I don’t prioritize myself and it’s the always the first thing I cancel. Thank you for helping me see this insight!
I see that the first four are examples of point 5. I would say that mine is abusive reinforcement which is also part of 5. I was treated like I was bad. I was ignored and lacked proper socilising skills. As an adult I thought I had to try and qualify to get attention. I panicked when attention came on me. I felt people were angry with me for standing out or may attack me with lies due to jealousy. I became hysterical when I was cornered into a situation where it was possible for me to be blamed for something I could not do. I felt condemned and sometimes diseased. What made me feel relevant was doing a good job. It increased my problem solving skills and my isolated moments made me a good body language reader and I would see things long before it happens. I believe that restrictions in life offer up skills that are unique or even genius. I hope those struggling with this issue like me and my past, can develop avenues to come out of it. Recently I have been going through counselling sessions that allowed me to trust myself more and be a little more selfish. The latter was hard but the first one, trust, helped me support my own views and not differ to others. It was nice of my counsellor to say that I am saying I dont trust people but you dont even trust yourself. That made me sit down. She is good. So please be cautious in knowing how important it is that step to trusting yourself is in coming out of this zone we suffer from at times. I am looking at videos learning how to organise myself so that I can be more "selfish/self-serving".
Hi Kati! 😄💞 Thanks for the video. People pleaser's anonymous. LoL. Really tho something I've struggled with for a long while.
Thank you so much Katie. I've been following your channel for a couple of years now and you have been great help. I have battled with people pleasing since I was a child but I did not realize that I was neglecting myself until I reached burnout and your videos help me realize that my body was giving me signals that it was time to take care of me.
here's why this episode is important to me: narcissist mom instructs me. at some impressionable age, specifically not in the typical concept of "put others first," but instead "always put yourself last." after I'd had a few days to absorb this. i asked, "put myself 'last' after how many people? like, all of them? & she just shrugged & stared back at me, like "you figure it out. i didn't make up the rules." so, to me, anyone and everyone in the world is kore deserving of my time, attention, & care.
I just realized a couple days that I really struggle with this. Thanks for the help💕
Kati I am always looking forward to seeing your videos. Thanks for being so awesome
People who disliked this video are "the assholes that ruined our lives" Kati was talking about.
Glad I'm not the only one with this issue. This is also why I take issue with the insipid saying that the only way to love others is to love ourselves, first. I can see why that makes sense, but it doesn't always work that way. Some of us love others and have no idea how to love ourselves. At all.
Thanks for your help i can certainly do with some right about now😌
I still ask myself "How do I _truly_ know what I tell myself aren't lies?" I genuinely don't know anymore. I KNOW they are but... still.
I am so grateful for your work. I cannot access mental health and im going thru this at this very moment. This short peice is very helpful information . thank you for the work you do on here 🙂
I'm self pleasing. And it feels good. Done with them
Distraction should be a tool to use, not a place that you live.
Internalised Guilt can also be a big reason.
But at the root of it all is a lack of self love, sometimes even some self hate or dislike... 🙏❤️
Hi Kati!! I need help, could you maybe do a video about avoidant personality or social anxiety, agoraphobia and the graduation ceremonies. I have been told I need to pay fees if I don’t go and I really do not want to go, just leaving my house for more than a hour or two is huge for me and going back to highschool for graduation is making me feel extremely overwhelmed and anxious, I have no friends there and having even just a second of spotlight on me is enough to make me want to throw up. My family is being very pushy about it because they don’t see it as a big deal since « you’ll never see them again » and honestly they just want me with the clothes and hat on but to me it holds no meaning at all and I hated my highschool years. What should I do?? Can I tell the school I won’t attend? Do I have to go for my family?? They probably don’t believe in avoidant personality disorder so I never told them abt it but they know about my social and generalized anxiety, panic attacks and my agoraphobia and they often tell me I’m just overdramatic. I don’t want to be rude and disappoint them but it’s just too much to take. I don’t know what to do I’m sorry for writing too much and annoying you it’s okay if you don’t answer!! Thank you for all your helpful videos💗💗
Yes! I took the first step already, you know. I reached out to a therapist. Thank you Kati I was praying so that you do a video on this but I did not find words. Thanks a lot Kati!
Fun... I have always thought that im a people pleaser... Im always scared of what other people think about me and feeling left out or ignored... I dont know if it is because i have autism... But i also had a dad who could be pretty violent... About half a year ago i chose to not talk to him again until he promise to atleast try to work on his behaviour... Because i cant take it when scold me for things that arent my fault and wont let me into conversations... He also lies about others and I think he might have told people in the family that they should treat me a certain way because i have autism... After half a year he still havent tried to fix it and people make me out to be the evil one because he is so good at lying and acting innocent...
One of your videos made me understand that there are more than one kind of psychologists so even though i had given up on psychologists because i had went to a lot as a child and I always felt they wanted to talk about stupid things... I have now found a good psychologist who is helping me with my childhood traumas 🙂 your videos have also helped me understand a lot more about a lot of things from my past... Your video on gasligthing made me cry because i could relate so much...
Thanks Kati you hit the nail on the head with the last one, Now I think I understand why I care for more for other people than myself, but it's hard.
I care about others more because I want everyone to be my friend and to think I'm a nice person.
Because that’s what good human beings do. You should absolutely love and cherish someone like that if you befriend them
Thankyou Kati, these videos help a lot.
Thank you very much. I've always lived for everyone. I personally feel good about what I do. Wish you well.
This was so helpful and informative, Kati! And so cool
that you mentioned Dr. Caroline Leaf! She's great!!!! Love that.
Fuck… I was being a people pleaser because I realized it was a “LEARNED HABIT”. - From watching my mother in my toddler years and teens… As I was watching this video; and listening to Kati Morton describe the behavior of a “PEOPLE PLEASER” and how people can obviously see what I’m doing; but as I replay all my previous past experiences like: Cleaning my Apartment community HallWay, while my entire apartment is trashed… then become so tired because I spend 4-6 hours mopping and stripping the hallway floor: I put myself on the back burner. I started trying to fix my mom’s anger unhappiness since I was a little boy. I even told myself that I will grow up and find out what is wrong with my parents mentally. It’s like their stuck in a past memory or stuck in their minds. Never present. Then , I became stuck in my head. Now I’m trying to get out. And this is one of the first steps: “Stop being a fool and love yourself first, because people can see what I can’t as I’m thinking I’m manipulating them, it makes me look like a coward when I don’t consider my happiness first. I’m glad Kati Morton just broke this hypnosis I was under.🙏😇🙃
God bless you all!:) I'm so very blessed to have a lot of great people in my life who take care of me and encourage self-care, but I'm so glad you did a video about this Kati:)
I love your stuff. Thanks for always being authentic and supportive in ways you don't even know. BTW I love your podcast with Sean OTDM 💜
Awe thanks!! And I am so glad you're enjoying our podcast :) xoxo
Really needed this. Thank you!
Thanks a lot. I needed to hear this today ❤️
It's possible for my self value to grow, even out of the ashes of 2020.
Thank you so much for this video. I don't know if this will fix me or not. But I am glad I watched it
This was such a powerful video! Thank you, Kati!
Katie please elaborate more about the Long Time effects of a “care taker” like PTS etc. Thanks. Love ur work
Hey, congrats on the 1 million subs, by the way!
Thank you Katie for always being their for us.
Thank you so much someone I know needed this
What about the people who people please not to gain their affection for ourselves, but because we don’t want them to feel like we don’t like them? Or, because we don’t want them to feel rejected, so we can help preserve their sense of confidence, pride and self-worth?? This is what my problem has been. I’m afraid to do what I want or what’s good for me because then I’ll feel selfish and ultimately a terrible person. I know this thought process is skewed and flawed. Whenever I talk to people to get support, I always get shallow, cliche responses. Trying to get people to understand or empathize my point of view is almost impossible and most of the time pointless because I never feel better.
Right now, this is how I feel. My confidence has shattered and I’m just absolutely exhausted, mentally and emotionally. I know I need to make changes, but I’m not sure where/how to start. It’s a hard thing to deal with.
Your shirt looks sooooo comfy!
Edit: "the real antidote of shame is vulnerability". That's good to hear. Thank you.
i really needed this today ! thank you Kati 💖
I think sacrifice ourselves is in part of our genes. In the past people lived and helped each other other to overcome everyday issues.
Hey Kati! Blessings!
Do you have any videos on pet grieving? And how to cope with it? I am probably being lazy and haven’t looked around. But just in case.
I love your videos , been a follower for a couple of years now. 🙏🏼🌻 thank you for all the information you provide to us.
This is such a great video. Thank you Kati!
I have this problem 2 weeks ago I was going to commit myself into the psychiatric ward having overwhelming Suicidal Thoughts but my sister and niece needed my attention more
You have to look after yourself and be stronger mentally and physically then you can try to look after others
Thanks for that link to the vitamins. Loved that little quiz.. great info.. 👊 bump.
Kati you are such a great communicator this talk really gave me a lot to think of 🤔
Anyone else sitting at home just quietly nodding throughout the video?