@@fleur6711 If that's true, then you need to read more. In fact, "nameless anger" may just mean that she can't say why she's angry. It's concise and literary. The real problem is with _"... surged inside her like a solar storm."_ A simile should give the reader a clear image, something to which to relate. Who's ever personally experienced a solar storm? No one. She's just trying too hard to sell the sci-fi aspects, but ends up writing clunky sentences.
idk the context of that line but it kinda could vibe in some argument as like one of those things you say when you're angry and it doesn't make sense...but im assuming that isnt the context
NGL, I think that “Sometimes, death required a change of scenery” seems like it could be a fun opening line… if it was referring to, say, someone needing to fake their own death and move far away, due to the obvious irony of “yeah, no, they’re not actually dying” and what it’d say about the character that they’re in that kind of situation, even if it might be kind of cliche. It does feel more “corny, ‘pithy’, and edgy except not even really that edgy” a la a depressing version of a Hallmark card in the context of someone choosing where they want to live out their last days.
I think it’s an issue that comes to a lot of young writers (or older writers that haven’t developed their craft quite enough, no shame in it if you’re working on it or came to the pursuit later in life!) where they’re trying to pull up styles that spoke to them without fully understanding what craft motivated or built up scaffolding for the style choices. I see it a lot looking at stuff I wrote or drew in my teens haha.
"Sometimes, death required a change of scenery." This is the first sentence that Sami described as "cringe, edgy, teenage shit" in this video. This sentence FAILS as a first sentence to a novel, but it DOES fit in a later part of the chapter. At minute 9: 53 of this video, the fourth paragraph shown states: "For the thousandth time that day, she reminded herself there would be time for regrets later. " The next paragraph states: "Now it was time to see if the cyborg circus was as spectacular as rumors claimed. " These two sentences occur after the reader has been informed that Gwendolyn Grimm is dying and that she is in a hopeless situation. She has just learned about the cyborg circus and she is going to attend it because she needs a distraction, or A CHANGE OF SCENERY to escape her problems. After these two sentences would be a perfect place for her "first sentence." This new paragraph would now read as the following: ""For the thousandth time that day, she reminded herself there would be time for regrets later. Now it was time to see if the cyborg circus was as spectacular as rumors claimed. Sometimes, death required a change of scenery." In this new version, all three of these sentences support each other and they are specific to this book. Gwendolyn Grimm has regrets; her regrets help her to decide to go to the cyborg circus; the cyborg circus is the change of scenery Gwendolyn Grimm needs to help her deal with her hopeless situation.
Perhaps, but the keyword is "later". I mean if I was standing in the library and browsing through books and I would read this I would groan and put it back on the shelf. Doesn't matter what came later: The first page should already tell me what the book is going to contain. And so far I am seeing "I am 14 and this is deep". And continuing with the "Good fucking riddance", okay so we're gonna have a main character who is filled to the brim with teenage angst. Pass.
@@Xarfax321 I was looking at the young adult section of books at Target recently. I believe _The_ _Cyborg_ _Tinkerer_ falls in the young adult category. At least three of the young adult books had a shocking one sentence paragraph opening to chapter one designed to entice the reader to buy the book. The first sentence in the 2nd paragraph in all three of these books immediately backed up the very first sentence of the books. There was no "later" where that shocking first sentence is explained elsewhere in the chapter. The authors reinforced that first sentence right away.
"Sometimes, death required a change of scenery." --This is the first sentence of this book. This is a sentence that would be on the back of the book to try and entice a reader to buy the book; this sentence should not be in the ACTUAL book itself. I hate how modern writers use clever, yet generic, first sentences in their books. A first sentence should already be describing something specific about the book (character, setting, etc.) you are reading. From this first sentence, what questions should a reader ask himself? Is there a person or creature named "death" in this book? If not, then this sentence is too generic. It could describe ANY book, not just THIS book. The very next sentence is a better sentence to begin this book: "Gwendolyn Grimm marched up the warped, wooden steps of the Crusty Tulip. " (Crusty Tulip is italicized- I don't know how to italicize here on RUclips) --From this sentence, the reader gets the name of a character, an action she is performing, a description of the immediate area where this action occurred, and a clue of the bigger space where the character is. Just by having the words" Crusty Tulip" in italics, the reader knows it is some kind of vessel. Already the reader will be asking himself if this vessel is a sailing ship or some kind of space ship. --I hate how these writers today are all trying to have that SHOCKING first sentence that is supposed to draw a reader into a book. What these writers don't realize is that these type of sentences really describe nothing. These sentences are advertisement type of sentences that are in fact very empty sentences.
What if I told you there's nothing wrong with the opening sentence and that you simply don't like it because it's not to your taste? The famous literary critic Harold Bloom is one of my heroes, and he would have disliked this book. But he didn't like Harry Potter either. I could agree with him on everything so far, but he also didn't like rock n roll. None of it. Not the Beatles. Not Simon and Garfunkel. Not Prince. Not David Bowie. Not Radiohead. Can you think of a rockstar that you like? To Harold Bloom they're all just as cringeworthy and edgy as that opening line. But you know, Harold Bloom wouldn't bother focusing on what he considered to be bad. He'd only mention his negative opinions briefly and stick to analysis of work that he felt benefits the reader to contemplate.
@@dragonsmith9012 "Sometimes, death required a change of scenery." This is a perfectly fine sentence but it could describe many other books, not just this one. It is not specific enough to THIS book. I wonder if this author had already completed this novel with "Gwendolyn Grimm marched up the warped, wooden steps of the Crusty Tulip" being the first sentence. Perhaps this author then took some writing advice about writer's needing a shocking first sentence to pull readers into the story. This author may have then added that first sentence after the book was completed. Which "first sentence" do you think the author came up with first? The problem with the first sentence is it seems like it should be written on the back cover of a Dean Koontz book instead of this book. It is a type of sentence used in marketing to sell a book or a movie to a customer. Since this video was made, I have been paying attention to first lines in novels that I have been reading. They all have one thing in common; the first lines relay information to the reader about the specific novel being read. These are not generic first lines. Here are some examples: "On February the 1st, 1887, the Lady Vain was lost by collision with a derelict when about the latitude 1 s. and longitude 107 w. "--The Island Of Dr. Moreau by H.G. Wells --Here we get an exact time and place the story occurs. In the book Lady Vain is italicized so we know that Lady Vain is a ship or boat and not a person. It is a ship so the latitude and longitude degrees are indicators of some specific area of the ocean. This line is specific to this book and no other. ""The extraordinary and mysterious visions of the shadow girl appeared on the television set which Alan and I had just erected in his workshop." --The Shadow Girl by Ray Cummings --Here we get a description of a person, the shadow girl, and a classification of that description, extraordinary and mysterious. We know this person appeared as an image on a T.V. set. The T.V. set was just built by Alan and the narrator. We know these two characters are presently in Alan's workshop. This line is specific to this book and no other. "October 1988-Hartsfield International Airport, Atlanta : 11:43 P.M. Alan Kirby had been away from Georgia for only three days, but in those three days the weather had turned right around. " --Shadowshow by Brad Strickland --Here we get an exact time and place line about where the character is. The character's name is given, Alan Kirby, and the amount of time he has been away from a specific place is given. We are given a statement about a change in the weather. This line is specific to this book and no other. None of these first lines are generic first lines.
@@sonic31century1 I understand why you feel the way you do, but there's no logic at work behind your sense of aesthetics. You might as well be explaining why Harold Bloom dislikes Stephen King's narrators. All Bloom would see when he examined Kings writing were his minds equivalent to the back of a Dean Koontz novel. Penny dreadfuls were less than vaudeville, so seeing those tropes put into the same medium that Jane Austen and Cervantes worked in was unforgivable to him. This is called reasoning by analogy. It's different from an argument grounded in logic. There might be something to art that is more than subjective, but a big part of your judgment is just based on these analogies that already have value judgments baked into them. For instance: I hate writing that sounds like the way Valley Girls talk, so naturally Joss Whedon's influence over cinema and literature is what I consider cringeworthy. I have no logical argument for why it's bad. It's just bad to me the way penny dreadful copy ending up in a novel is bad to Bloom, and the way book advertising copy ending up in a novel is bad to you. But other people don't necessarily feel that way unless we convince them to. But what's the point in doing that, when our own tastes are evolving?
Usually I find the better opening sentences are the ones that get you to ask questions. The best ones have you ask questions that give an intriguing answer with more questions. I think that the change of scenery line would have been better prior to a life-or-death situation scene, first sentence or not. A better opening line would be something like "it's funny how the idea of death changes where she went" or "A change of scenery is like death; they're sometimes required". The first line has the reader ask who "she" is and why the concept death changed her and the second line describes a correlation that someone interested in the book would like to examine in the text. Both can be executed well with different prose. The sentence that was actually used was a bad attempt as being quippy and was trying to summarize the whole book's experience, imo. But yeah, I agree that the first line was a shock attempt and is largely unnecessary.
Her channel has gone silent ever since the book came out. Feel like the YT channel was a means to end to promote the book and when it didn't do well, the channel was dropped. A shame as I really liked her First Page Critiques (which is kind of ironic given the quality of this chapter)
I think success in youtube gets to writer's head, making them rush the books since it will sell anyways. Which is also sad given they will tell people they're doing it as a passion when in reality they want the money and fame lmao
The book got pretty much universally trashed by everybody who wasn't her friend and so I think she's been too embarrassed to come back. Jenna Moresy's books are pretty disliked too, but at least she has the balls to stand by them.
I suppose the lesson here is that even if you do have some sound advice for writers... maybe establish yourself as a successful writer BEFORE you start dispensing advice. That would do wonders for your credibility when dispensing said advice. I mean we have all written shit before we started writing anything worth reading... there's no shame in that... but to toot your own horn before you get past that noob phase... not a good look.
@@HouseOfAlastrian OH Gawd yes! If you haven't tested out the stuff you're gabbing on about you're: speaking out of your wazoo, having a convo, going on a dialectic enquiry, not an expert.
@@HouseOfAlastrianactually I think mainly people need to learn the lesson that critique/analysis and creation are two different skill sets, both are very valuable - and no matter how developed your skills are in either, you should not be the one primarily editing your own story. You’re too close to it for that. Developing my analysis/critique has helped me with writing, but I still need a set of outside eyes to give me a harsh rundown. You’ll see directors who have a very keen and well developed set of skills/instincts, but who can’t necessarily articulate it in a hyper analytical way the way a teacher would (so that the student can unpack the elements of craft to better develop and utilize them.) It sounds like (from scuttlebutt, so take with a grain of salt) for at least some of these writing tips RUclipsrs that became published authors, a big issue was that they dismissed any critique that they felt was too harsh.
Honestly I feel bad for Latorre. She actually has a lot of good info on her channel and brings in loads of experts - real working agents, authors, etc to give their take on writing and publishing. Knowing the rules of writing and how the publishing industry supposedly works doesn’t automatically make anyone a good writer.
With all those resources I’m surprised she couldn’t learn the basics. Not everyone has the access to writing wisdom that she does and she still floundered it. It’s a shame unfortunately
She took a lot of money from people for her advices on writing and publishing things. Then she produced this. Also she marketed herself as a big shot connected to the big names in publishing, this was never proven.
It's funny as writers how much we enjoy finding someone with a worse book or rough draft to make us feel better about the uncertainty in our own projects.
If there's one thing I learned about being a writer, its not to be cocky and acting like your own story is a great example of what to write. The hobby of writing should be something you take time on but most importantly for YOU as the author to enjoy while trying to speak to readers. I recall taking a writing course in college where the lady presenting to us claimed she won a contest one time talking about someone's funeral and was so proud of her first line being something symbolic. The minute she looked at my first line to something, she flat out told me it was very poor and not good enough. Instead of being "inspired" by her, I wanted to kick her fucking ass. There's a difference between giving writing criticism advice and being a complete jerk about others work.
I mean sure... my prologues are action scenes that I am hoping will pull the reader right in. Set the stakes... establish the female protagonist as a good character. Chapter 1 is what establishes the mundane origin of the male protagonist while dropping hints that starts his Hero's Journey. A bit like how Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope began. The prologue is the Tantive IV being stormed by Darth Vader and Princess Leia giving the Death Star plans to R2D2 before sending him and C3P0 out an escape pod before being captured by Vader. Chapter 1 establishes the mundane origin of Luke Skywalker as the nephew of a moisture farmer on a desert planet, but starts his Hero's Journey when his uncle purchases C3P0 and R2D2 from the Jawas. The Chapter 1 being critiqued in this video... yeah I have no interest in reading any further. Nothing there grips me at all. Nothing gets me invested in the protagonist. There's not a whole lot that establishes the stakes she is facing. And to think I subscribed to this writer among others as a means of researching how to be a successful writer.
@@HouseOfAlastrian "A bit like how Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope began. The prologue is the Tantative IV being stormed by Darth Vader" It's actually _Tantive IV._ "Tantative" sounds like a cross between Tantive and tentative (meaning hesitant, reluctant), which I find amusing for some strange reason. Maybe if the Tantative IV hadn't been so tentative, it would have got away? :-)
7:15 I have NOT read the book at all. BUT... She could have opened with a prologue on a cyborg (one from this circus?) on the run from the government. Being grabbed and executed on sitht essentially. Explaining a prosecution and prohibition of cyborgs because the emperor fears to be overthrown due to their superhuman abilities after an act of terrorism occured. This would add logic and create less of an info-dump to the reader. I mean, I haven't read it. Also not planning on doing so. But this is just a change that COULD have been. Would create a more interesting "first chapter" too.
_"The small manufacturing moon belched a welcoming plume...."_ In that sentence, "belch" isn't what's bad; it's perfectly fine descriptive language. The problem is with _"... welcoming..."_ Who TF welcomes a belch??? O_o Also, _"A nameless anger...."_ isn't necessarily bad; it may simply mean that she can't say why she's angry. It's concise and literary. The problem is with _"... surged inside her like a solar storm."_ A simile should give the reader a clear image, something to which to relate. Who's ever personally experienced a solar storm? No one. She's just trying too hard to sell the sci-fi aspects, but ends up writing clunky sentences.
I swear I've seen this video before. I read this chapter myself because it was hard to believe what I was hearing. Unbelievable. I used to be subbed to her channel to.
I think the biggest sin of this chapter is that the information that our main character is dying it’s just thrown away in a line of pithy dialogue from a character who doesn’t matter, even though it’s close third person. The fact that the main characters dying is the most emotional part of the story so far, but it’s communicated in a way that completely stripped all of that emotion away. This is a clear sign that the writer doesn’t understand what is emotionally moving about her own story or how to bring that emotion out. There are so many different approaches to communicate this information that would have worked, that it’s kind of amazing that she somehow missed all of them to land on the worst possible target.
Special thanks to those that watched to the end. Really helps out. PS: Would you love more videos like this? Analyzing chapter ones? Though I do have to warn. Videos could get very specific on craft details since it's focused down.
While I don't necessarily agree with you on her style choices, I do agree on many story points that you focus on like world building and conflict. Very good analysis.
This was a cool new type of video. Keep experimenting with different types of booktube content man; you'll find one that takes off and becomes your "thing" inshallah
The negative reviews on Amazon are also worth reading, some very detailed and insightful critiques. I am learning a lot from the negative videos about this book. I cringe for Meg but I feel her marketing and deadline got ahead of her and pushed her to publish too soon. Plus she didn't get constructive developmental edits. And there are some questionable style choices. Being a mature reader this is the type of writing and story lines I avoid, feels immature and juvenile to me (not in a good way; there are well written children's books I would happily re-read).
I gave a like in this video, to help the channel anyway, but this review is really shallow and sometimes a little dumb. Like, he says that "surgery is very delicate". Yeah. IN OUR WORLD. Maybe in this universe not. I find this first chapter mediocre, to say the least. Not terrible. I think the incyclopedia in the first paragraphs is really annoying. The exposition is such unnecessary, i agree with this. Also, your critique was pretty subjective. I think that the opening line is... Fine. Just okay. Not super edgy lord, like you made appear.
It makes literally no sense to make it illegal to be a cyborg tinkerer but allowing existing cyborgs to be legal. Obviously they would require maintenance.
6:07 I think it goes without saying that something called the Cyborg Prohibition Law would prohibit cyborgs, rendering the following sentence and paragraph redundant. The details of how that law plays out are best shown, such as No Cyborgs Allowed signs, metal detectors, implant-sniffing dogs, cyborg slums, an uptick in people with missing limbs and eyes to avoid regulation, etc. And we don't need the (admittedly brief) history lesson before it; the Who and Where and Why aren't needed at this time. Simply replace "Ten years ago" with "Before the Cyborg Prohibition Law," and we're good. It's still more exposition than we need, but it's only five words.
A technical question. The first sentence starts off with the omniscient narrator? Thus isn't correct technique to write "Sometimes, death *requires* a change of scenery." Then she switches back an d forth between this POV and omniscient POV a few times in ways that are at least to me awkward. The bit "good fing riddance" would be funnier and punchier if it could have followed the first sentence. That would have been a better POV transition?
"Sometimes, death required a change of scenery" is in the past tense as is the rest of this chapter. I don't think this is a good first sentence but it does match the tense structure of this book.
I really like your criticism of this chapter. First, for me, "sometimes, death needed a change of scenery" isn't necessarily edgy but is incredibly unspecific phrasing. I would change it by having it concern the main character straight so the information is clearer. The rest of the chapter has pretty awkward phrasing and use of language that it made me chuckle often. Plus there are a lot of redundant sentences and 'add on' words that needed to be trimmed off. Like "she raised her eyerbrows, unbelieving". Raising one's eyebrows in itself is a phrase; we understand what it means and use it in our daily language. This is as bad as The Saviour's Champion prose where if all these redundant phrases were removed, the book would be much shorter. I know I'm not the best at storytelling, but as you say, one really must practice and hone their craft. I feel that both Meg LaTorre and Jenna Moreci should have had more critical beta readers that pointed out the flaws of their writing and help them improve.
This is exactly why I don't read most modern books. Writers nowadays, not all of them but most of them, try to be quirky or something by opening with shitty first lines and shitty first chapters. I especially hate books where the character specifically speaks to the reader like "Dear reader, you're in for a rough ride." Once picked up a book that began like this and immediately put it down again.
It's almost comical that this book is about cyborgs/robots because the writing comes across as if it was not written by a human being, but rather by some poor A.I. writer or something like that.
This video made me fear about my own manuscipt's safety if it ever becomes published overseas 🤣. It is dark fantasy/scifi set on far future and it already has about ten chapters out and more chapters coming out which I have posted/will post in my blog once they are ready. The first chapter starts from around year 4988 and is a former prologue which is mainly diary entries written by someone named Luukas Väinämöinen (his connection to the main protagonist and his family revealed later on) about the world's state of war, apocalypse and collapse of the society we know and start of another which began the story. The new society has many kingdoms of which 18 of them (the inner kingdoms) has already been known of by the generation born after the era of establishish of the clans of new races and such. Love your accent and your videos, keep on good work ❤ Love from Finland ❤❤
You'll never please everyone. Reviewers survive off of telling authors what they've done wrong. Without writers reviewers would not exist. Nor would readers for that matter.
Ok, never read this book, but you have some issues. 1. YA is typically cringe across the board - so not sure why you bring this up specifically for this book. 2. The first line is no bad. Could it be better? Sure. But it's not bad. 3. Yes, too much exposition, but you're making calls on what YOU think a government would do. Which doesn't matter. 4. Brandon Sanderson's writing is not clean. Go watch my video where I edit the hell out of his prologue full of actual reasons as to why I made changes. And we're talking about a novel that has gone through, presumably, rigorous editing by Tor. Not a self published book.
Wait it’s literally called Cirque du Borge? I thought people were joking about that, being snarky! Borge doesn’t mean anything in French, but in Norwegian it means ‘to vouch for/to guarantee’ no? Circus of being vouched for? Did she think adding an ‘e’ after it made it look French and then just shrugged and added a thumbs up after?
Do you think the author paid to get the book edited? I feel roo many self-publishers just throw their first draft on Amazon KDP and hope to grab a few dollars and put no effort into editing the book. I've seen many "writers," say that a writer needs to be able to edit their own work and they don't need to spend money on Editors and proofreaders.
I am a very porous person. And since English is not my first language, I'm afraid that in a couple of days, chances are, my writing will be the same as what you've shown. Hell, maybe the way you speak, too. Am I in trouble??
Nah. He's sharing his opinion. And, personally, I agree with some of his points, disagree with others. Just keep writing and learning. You'll be aaight.
I disagree about the prose. Prose is a very subjective thing and even the greatest authors get hurled on for one measly line they probably left in. The biggest issue one could truly have is the overall plot of the story. The plot tries to be too many subjects at once. A story should have a clear direction, a map, a feeling, and a journey.
I havent read the book and I love to listen to your critiques, but to be totally fair I say fuck in my head several times a day hahhaha thanks for the vid!
I may be a recent writer but I could see how f*cked up this chapter was. The first thing I noticed was "fucking" which is truly just not something someone would say in their own head unless you first reinforce how angry they are, and even then, they would voice it over keep it bottled in their mind. Too intense for the first introduction and truly unnecessary.
Not a great book, but the opening line is arguably the best part of it, it might be cringey teenager etc if you read any sample e.g. first chapter you know what you are getting, if you are worried about cringey you aren't spending money on horny circus robots using fancy boats in outerspace with a cancer patient thrown in the mix
It doesn’t look that bad to be honest. Just looks like it needed another edit. I dunno about the f bombs. I love with people who can drop f**k 20 times in less than a minute.
Yeah, I think swearing depends upon the culture. In the US, f-bombs are censored on TV, but in real life conversations amongst adults, they're no big deal. However, there are words that they say in other English-Speaking countries like Britain and Australia which would make an American blush. However, in the Jamaican or Bahamian dialects of English, you really only say the f-word if you're really seriously arguing.
My favorite line was "anger always has a name: it's called anger". Fantastic review and breakdown!
Walter White: anger? I am the anger!
Honestly worst line I've ever heard
@@fleur6711 If that's true, then you need to read more. In fact, "nameless anger" may just mean that she can't say why she's angry. It's concise and literary. The real problem is with _"... surged inside her like a solar storm."_ A simile should give the reader a clear image, something to which to relate. Who's ever personally experienced a solar storm? No one. She's just trying too hard to sell the sci-fi aspects, but ends up writing clunky sentences.
This could be a very good line in the hands of a better author, especially if it was meant to add some humor to the moment. Alas
idk the context of that line but it kinda could vibe in some argument as like one of those things you say when you're angry and it doesn't make sense...but im assuming that isnt the context
NGL, I think that “Sometimes, death required a change of scenery” seems like it could be a fun opening line… if it was referring to, say, someone needing to fake their own death and move far away, due to the obvious irony of “yeah, no, they’re not actually dying” and what it’d say about the character that they’re in that kind of situation, even if it might be kind of cliche. It does feel more “corny, ‘pithy’, and edgy except not even really that edgy” a la a depressing version of a Hallmark card in the context of someone choosing where they want to live out their last days.
I think it’s an issue that comes to a lot of young writers (or older writers that haven’t developed their craft quite enough, no shame in it if you’re working on it or came to the pursuit later in life!) where they’re trying to pull up styles that spoke to them without fully understanding what craft motivated or built up scaffolding for the style choices. I see it a lot looking at stuff I wrote or drew in my teens haha.
Sometimes, death required a spatula.
"Sometimes, death required a change of scenery." This is the first sentence that Sami described as "cringe, edgy, teenage shit" in this video. This sentence FAILS as a first sentence to a novel, but it DOES fit in a later part of the chapter. At minute 9: 53 of this video, the fourth paragraph shown states:
"For the thousandth time that day, she reminded herself there would be time for regrets later. "
The next paragraph states: "Now it was time to see if the cyborg circus was as spectacular as rumors claimed. "
These two sentences occur after the reader has been informed that Gwendolyn Grimm is dying and that she is in a hopeless situation. She has just learned about the cyborg circus and she is going to attend it because she needs a distraction, or A CHANGE OF SCENERY to escape her problems. After these two sentences would be a perfect place for her "first sentence." This new paragraph would now read as the following:
""For the thousandth time that day, she reminded herself there would be time for regrets later. Now it was time to see if the cyborg circus was as spectacular as rumors claimed. Sometimes, death required a change of scenery."
In this new version, all three of these sentences support each other and they are specific to this book. Gwendolyn Grimm has regrets; her regrets help her to decide to go to the cyborg circus; the cyborg circus is the change of scenery Gwendolyn Grimm needs to help her deal with her hopeless situation.
Perhaps, but the keyword is "later". I mean if I was standing in the library and browsing through books and I would read this I would groan and put it back on the shelf. Doesn't matter what came later: The first page should already tell me what the book is going to contain. And so far I am seeing "I am 14 and this is deep".
And continuing with the "Good fucking riddance", okay so we're gonna have a main character who is filled to the brim with teenage angst.
Pass.
@@Xarfax321 I was looking at the young adult section of books at Target recently. I believe _The_ _Cyborg_ _Tinkerer_ falls in the young adult category. At least three of the young adult books had a shocking one sentence paragraph opening to chapter one designed to entice the reader to buy the book. The first sentence in the 2nd paragraph in all three of these books immediately backed up the very first sentence of the books. There was no "later" where that shocking first sentence is explained elsewhere in the chapter. The authors reinforced that first sentence right away.
Her name is Gwendolyn Grimm. And people unironically call her the "Grimm Reaper." This is just a middle grade book with random sex thrown in.
"Sometimes, death required a change of scenery."
--This is the first sentence of this book. This is a sentence that would be on the back of the book to try and entice a reader to buy the book; this sentence should not be in the ACTUAL book itself. I hate how modern writers use clever, yet generic, first sentences in their books. A first sentence should already be describing something specific about the book (character, setting, etc.) you are reading. From this first sentence, what questions should a reader ask himself? Is there a person or creature named "death" in this book? If not, then this sentence is too generic. It could describe ANY book, not just THIS book. The very next sentence is a better sentence to begin this book:
"Gwendolyn Grimm marched up the warped, wooden steps of the Crusty Tulip. " (Crusty Tulip is italicized- I don't know how to italicize here on RUclips)
--From this sentence, the reader gets the name of a character, an action she is performing, a description of the immediate area where this action occurred, and a clue of the bigger space where the character is. Just by having the words" Crusty Tulip" in italics, the reader knows it is some kind of vessel. Already the reader will be asking himself if this vessel is a sailing ship or some kind of space ship.
--I hate how these writers today are all trying to have that SHOCKING first sentence that is supposed to draw a reader into a book. What these writers don't realize is that these type of sentences really describe nothing. These sentences are advertisement type of sentences that are in fact very empty sentences.
Agree!
What if I told you there's nothing wrong with the opening sentence and that you simply don't like it because it's not to your taste?
The famous literary critic Harold Bloom is one of my heroes, and he would have disliked this book.
But he didn't like Harry Potter either.
I could agree with him on everything so far, but he also didn't like rock n roll. None of it. Not the Beatles. Not Simon and Garfunkel. Not Prince. Not David Bowie. Not Radiohead.
Can you think of a rockstar that you like? To Harold Bloom they're all just as cringeworthy and edgy as that opening line.
But you know, Harold Bloom wouldn't bother focusing on what he considered to be bad.
He'd only mention his negative opinions briefly and stick to analysis of work that he felt benefits the reader to contemplate.
@@dragonsmith9012 "Sometimes, death required a change of scenery." This is a perfectly fine sentence but it could describe many other books, not just this one. It is not specific enough to THIS book. I wonder if this author had already completed this novel with "Gwendolyn Grimm marched up the warped, wooden steps of the Crusty Tulip" being the first sentence. Perhaps this author then took some writing advice about writer's needing a shocking first sentence to pull readers into the story. This author may have then added that first sentence after the book was completed. Which "first sentence" do you think the author came up with first?
The problem with the first sentence is it seems like it should be written on the back cover of a Dean Koontz book instead of this book. It is a type of sentence used in marketing to sell a book or a movie to a customer.
Since this video was made, I have been paying attention to first lines in novels that I have been reading. They all have one thing in common; the first lines relay information to the reader about the specific novel being read. These are not generic first lines. Here are some examples:
"On February the 1st, 1887, the Lady Vain was lost by collision with a derelict when about the latitude 1 s. and longitude 107 w. "--The Island Of Dr. Moreau by H.G. Wells
--Here we get an exact time and place the story occurs. In the book Lady Vain is italicized so we know that Lady Vain is a ship or boat and not a person. It is a ship so the latitude and longitude degrees are indicators of some specific area of the ocean. This line is specific to this book and no other.
""The extraordinary and mysterious visions of the shadow girl appeared on the television set which Alan and I had just erected in his workshop." --The Shadow Girl by Ray Cummings
--Here we get a description of a person, the shadow girl, and a classification of that description, extraordinary and mysterious. We know this person appeared as an image on a T.V. set. The T.V. set was just built by Alan and the narrator. We know these two characters are presently in Alan's workshop. This line is specific to this book and no other.
"October 1988-Hartsfield International Airport, Atlanta : 11:43 P.M. Alan Kirby had been away from Georgia for only three days, but in those three days the weather had turned right around. " --Shadowshow by Brad Strickland
--Here we get an exact time and place line about where the character is. The character's name is given, Alan Kirby, and the amount of time he has been away from a specific place is given. We are given a statement about a change in the weather. This line is specific to this book and no other.
None of these first lines are generic first lines.
@@sonic31century1 I understand why you feel the way you do, but there's no logic at work behind your sense of aesthetics.
You might as well be explaining why Harold Bloom dislikes Stephen King's narrators. All Bloom would see when he examined Kings writing were his minds equivalent to the back of a Dean Koontz novel.
Penny dreadfuls were less than vaudeville, so seeing those tropes put into the same medium that Jane Austen and Cervantes worked in was unforgivable to him.
This is called reasoning by analogy. It's different from an argument grounded in logic.
There might be something to art that is more than subjective, but a big part of your judgment is just based on these analogies that already have value judgments baked into them.
For instance: I hate writing that sounds like the way Valley Girls talk, so naturally Joss Whedon's influence over cinema and literature is what I consider cringeworthy.
I have no logical argument for why it's bad. It's just bad to me the way penny dreadful copy ending up in a novel is bad to Bloom, and the way book advertising copy ending up in a novel is bad to you.
But other people don't necessarily feel that way unless we convince them to.
But what's the point in doing that, when our own tastes are evolving?
Usually I find the better opening sentences are the ones that get you to ask questions. The best ones have you ask questions that give an intriguing answer with more questions. I think that the change of scenery line would have been better prior to a life-or-death situation scene, first sentence or not. A better opening line would be something like "it's funny how the idea of death changes where she went" or "A change of scenery is like death; they're sometimes required". The first line has the reader ask who "she" is and why the concept death changed her and the second line describes a correlation that someone interested in the book would like to examine in the text. Both can be executed well with different prose. The sentence that was actually used was a bad attempt as being quippy and was trying to summarize the whole book's experience, imo.
But yeah, I agree that the first line was a shock attempt and is largely unnecessary.
Her channel has gone silent ever since the book came out. Feel like the YT channel was a means to end to promote the book and when it didn't do well, the channel was dropped. A shame as I really liked her First Page Critiques (which is kind of ironic given the quality of this chapter)
I think success in youtube gets to writer's head, making them rush the books since it will sell anyways. Which is also sad given they will tell people they're doing it as a passion when in reality they want the money and fame lmao
The book got pretty much universally trashed by everybody who wasn't her friend and so I think she's been too embarrassed to come back. Jenna Moresy's books are pretty disliked too, but at least she has the balls to stand by them.
I suppose the lesson here is that even if you do have some sound advice for writers... maybe establish yourself as a successful writer BEFORE you start dispensing advice. That would do wonders for your credibility when dispensing said advice.
I mean we have all written shit before we started writing anything worth reading... there's no shame in that... but to toot your own horn before you get past that noob phase... not a good look.
@@HouseOfAlastrian OH Gawd yes! If you haven't tested out the stuff you're gabbing on about you're:
speaking out of your wazoo,
having a convo,
going on a dialectic enquiry,
not an expert.
@@HouseOfAlastrianactually I think mainly people need to learn the lesson that critique/analysis and creation are two different skill sets, both are very valuable - and no matter how developed your skills are in either, you should not be the one primarily editing your own story. You’re too close to it for that. Developing my analysis/critique has helped me with writing, but I still need a set of outside eyes to give me a harsh rundown. You’ll see directors who have a very keen and well developed set of skills/instincts, but who can’t necessarily articulate it in a hyper analytical way the way a teacher would (so that the student can unpack the elements of craft to better develop and utilize them.)
It sounds like (from scuttlebutt, so take with a grain of salt) for at least some of these writing tips RUclipsrs that became published authors, a big issue was that they dismissed any critique that they felt was too harsh.
Honestly I feel bad for Latorre. She actually has a lot of good info on her channel and brings in loads of experts - real working agents, authors, etc to give their take on writing and publishing. Knowing the rules of writing and how the publishing industry supposedly works doesn’t automatically make anyone a good writer.
And it's her first novel. Many authors' first novels are far from their best work. We all start somewhere.
With all those resources I’m surprised she couldn’t learn the basics. Not everyone has the access to writing wisdom that she does and she still floundered it. It’s a shame unfortunately
She took a lot of money from people for her advices on writing and publishing things. Then she produced this. Also she marketed herself as a big shot connected to the big names in publishing, this was never proven.
"Anger always has a name. It's called anger."
bruh ☠️
It’s true tho.
"...thats french or some shit like that?" my german mother would curse me if I did not upvote after that
Hahahahahaha
Wow, that actually made me feel more confident about my first chapter--and I'm only at the first draft.
It's funny as writers how much we enjoy finding someone with a worse book or rough draft to make us feel better about the uncertainty in our own projects.
@@123thejakes it is funny af, and I love it
Same, but still stuck cause I have so many ideas coming lmao.
@@123thejakes Don't make it a habit, otherwise we can never improve.
@@nichoudha I don't think you're reading my response correctly. The tone is sarcasm.
If there's one thing I learned about being a writer, its not to be cocky and acting like your own story is a great example of what to write. The hobby of writing should be something you take time on but most importantly for YOU as the author to enjoy while trying to speak to readers. I recall taking a writing course in college where the lady presenting to us claimed she won a contest one time talking about someone's funeral and was so proud of her first line being something symbolic. The minute she looked at my first line to something, she flat out told me it was very poor and not good enough. Instead of being "inspired" by her, I wanted to kick her fucking ass. There's a difference between giving writing criticism advice and being a complete jerk about others work.
Writing advisors encourage each other to write clever, attention-grabbing openings and you end up with sentences like that.
I mean sure... my prologues are action scenes that I am hoping will pull the reader right in. Set the stakes... establish the female protagonist as a good character. Chapter 1 is what establishes the mundane origin of the male protagonist while dropping hints that starts his Hero's Journey.
A bit like how Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope began. The prologue is the Tantive IV being stormed by Darth Vader and Princess Leia giving the Death Star plans to R2D2 before sending him and C3P0 out an escape pod before being captured by Vader. Chapter 1 establishes the mundane origin of Luke Skywalker as the nephew of a moisture farmer on a desert planet, but starts his Hero's Journey when his uncle purchases C3P0 and R2D2 from the Jawas.
The Chapter 1 being critiqued in this video... yeah I have no interest in reading any further. Nothing there grips me at all. Nothing gets me invested in the protagonist. There's not a whole lot that establishes the stakes she is facing.
And to think I subscribed to this writer among others as a means of researching how to be a successful writer.
@@HouseOfAlastrian "A bit like how Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope began. The prologue is the Tantative IV being stormed by Darth Vader"
It's actually _Tantive IV._ "Tantative" sounds like a cross between Tantive and tentative (meaning hesitant, reluctant), which I find amusing for some strange reason. Maybe if the Tantative IV hadn't been so tentative, it would have got away? :-)
@@jamesgravil9162 You're right... fixing it.
7:15
I have NOT read the book at all. BUT...
She could have opened with a prologue on a cyborg (one from this circus?) on the run from the government. Being grabbed and executed on sitht essentially. Explaining a prosecution and prohibition of cyborgs because the emperor fears to be overthrown due to their superhuman abilities after an act of terrorism occured.
This would add logic and create less of an info-dump to the reader.
I mean, I haven't read it. Also not planning on doing so. But this is just a change that COULD have been. Would create a more interesting "first chapter" too.
that's already sounds better than the original ;-)
_"The small manufacturing moon belched a welcoming plume...."_ In that sentence, "belch" isn't what's bad; it's perfectly fine descriptive language. The problem is with _"... welcoming..."_ Who TF welcomes a belch??? O_o
Also, _"A nameless anger...."_ isn't necessarily bad; it may simply mean that she can't say why she's angry. It's concise and literary. The problem is with _"... surged inside her like a solar storm."_ A simile should give the reader a clear image, something to which to relate. Who's ever personally experienced a solar storm? No one. She's just trying too hard to sell the sci-fi aspects, but ends up writing clunky sentences.
“”A nameless anger?” Anger always has a name; it’s called anger.”
I’m using that with my mother when she tells me I’m in a mood. It’ll confuse her long enough for me to escape
I swear I've seen this video before. I read this chapter myself because it was hard to believe what I was hearing. Unbelievable. I used to be subbed to her channel to.
I think the biggest sin of this chapter is that the information that our main character is dying it’s just thrown away in a line of pithy dialogue from a character who doesn’t matter, even though it’s close third person. The fact that the main characters dying is the most emotional part of the story so far, but it’s communicated in a way that completely stripped all of that emotion away. This is a clear sign that the writer doesn’t understand what is emotionally moving about her own story or how to bring that emotion out. There are so many different approaches to communicate this information that would have worked, that it’s kind of amazing that she somehow missed all of them to land on the worst possible target.
I’m sorry for all the voice to text weirdness
Special thanks to those that watched to the end. Really helps out.
PS: Would you love more videos like this? Analyzing chapter ones? Though I do have to warn. Videos could get very specific on craft details since it's focused down.
Yeah, on the flip side analyse a chapter one (or prologue) which you think delivers what it needs to.
@@thomasfairfax4956 Will absolutely do
While I don't necessarily agree with you on her style choices, I do agree on many story points that you focus on like world building and conflict. Very good analysis.
Take a shot every time Sami says “shitty.”
This was a cool new type of video. Keep experimenting with different types of booktube content man; you'll find one that takes off and becomes your "thing" inshallah
The negative reviews on Amazon are also worth reading, some very detailed and insightful critiques. I am learning a lot from the negative videos about this book. I cringe for Meg but I feel her marketing and deadline got ahead of her and pushed her to publish too soon. Plus she didn't get constructive developmental edits. And there are some questionable style choices. Being a mature reader this is the type of writing and story lines I avoid, feels immature and juvenile to me (not in a good way; there are well written children's books I would happily re-read).
Someone please do an audio book of this novel in the voice of Cruella DaVille while puffing on a menthol.
I gave a like in this video, to help the channel anyway, but this review is really shallow and sometimes a little dumb. Like, he says that "surgery is very delicate". Yeah. IN OUR WORLD. Maybe in this universe not.
I find this first chapter mediocre, to say the least. Not terrible. I think the incyclopedia in the first paragraphs is really annoying. The exposition is such unnecessary, i agree with this.
Also, your critique was pretty subjective. I think that the opening line is... Fine. Just okay. Not super edgy lord, like you made appear.
I love that your cats name is the mad queen, 😹 you guys are the most iconic duo
It makes literally no sense to make it illegal to be a cyborg tinkerer but allowing existing cyborgs to be legal. Obviously they would require maintenance.
6:07 I think it goes without saying that something called the Cyborg Prohibition Law would prohibit cyborgs, rendering the following sentence and paragraph redundant. The details of how that law plays out are best shown, such as No Cyborgs Allowed signs, metal detectors, implant-sniffing dogs, cyborg slums, an uptick in people with missing limbs and eyes to avoid regulation, etc. And we don't need the (admittedly brief) history lesson before it; the Who and Where and Why aren't needed at this time. Simply replace "Ten years ago" with "Before the Cyborg Prohibition Law," and we're good. It's still more exposition than we need, but it's only five words.
A technical question. The first sentence starts off with the omniscient narrator? Thus isn't correct technique to write "Sometimes, death *requires* a change of scenery." Then she switches back an d forth between this POV and omniscient POV a few times in ways that are at least to me awkward. The bit "good fing riddance" would be funnier and punchier if it could have followed the first sentence. That would have been a better POV transition?
"Sometimes, death required a change of scenery" is in the past tense as is the rest of this chapter. I don't think this is a good first sentence but it does match the tense structure of this book.
I really like your criticism of this chapter.
First, for me, "sometimes, death needed a change of scenery" isn't necessarily edgy but is incredibly unspecific phrasing. I would change it by having it concern the main character straight so the information is clearer. The rest of the chapter has pretty awkward phrasing and use of language that it made me chuckle often. Plus there are a lot of redundant sentences and 'add on' words that needed to be trimmed off. Like "she raised her eyerbrows, unbelieving". Raising one's eyebrows in itself is a phrase; we understand what it means and use it in our daily language. This is as bad as The Saviour's Champion prose where if all these redundant phrases were removed, the book would be much shorter.
I know I'm not the best at storytelling, but as you say, one really must practice and hone their craft. I feel that both Meg LaTorre and Jenna Moreci should have had more critical beta readers that pointed out the flaws of their writing and help them improve.
There's certainly getting more than their share of criticism now. If they choose to continue writing, I imagine they'll only get better.
This is exactly why I don't read most modern books. Writers nowadays, not all of them but most of them, try to be quirky or something by opening with shitty first lines and shitty first chapters. I especially hate books where the character specifically speaks to the reader like "Dear reader, you're in for a rough ride." Once picked up a book that began like this and immediately put it down again.
You should be an editor. This is gold.
It's almost comical that this book is about cyborgs/robots because the writing comes across as if it was not written by a human being, but rather by some poor A.I. writer or something like that.
Cyborg Tinkerer sounds cool as a concept, sounds like the execution was off
Where can we find your novels? I searched Amazon and could not locate. Do you write under a pen name?
I'm guessing he's an editor...
You sound like you're about to sell Me some essential oils at the back of some Arabian bazzar next to the papyrus section. Good video man 😏
This video made me fear about my own manuscipt's safety if it ever becomes published overseas 🤣. It is dark fantasy/scifi set on far future and it already has about ten chapters out and more chapters coming out which I have posted/will post in my blog once they are ready. The first chapter starts from around year 4988 and is a former prologue which is mainly diary entries written by someone named Luukas Väinämöinen (his connection to the main protagonist and his family revealed later on) about the world's state of war, apocalypse and collapse of the society we know and start of another which began the story. The new society has many kingdoms of which 18 of them (the inner kingdoms) has already been known of by the generation born after the era of establishish of the clans of new races and such.
Love your accent and your videos, keep on good work ❤
Love from Finland ❤❤
You'll never please everyone. Reviewers survive off of telling authors what they've done wrong. Without writers reviewers would not exist. Nor would readers for that matter.
Ok, never read this book, but you have some issues.
1. YA is typically cringe across the board - so not sure why you bring this up specifically for this book.
2. The first line is no bad. Could it be better? Sure. But it's not bad.
3. Yes, too much exposition, but you're making calls on what YOU think a government would do. Which doesn't matter.
4. Brandon Sanderson's writing is not clean. Go watch my video where I edit the hell out of his prologue full of actual reasons as to why I made changes. And we're talking about a novel that has gone through, presumably, rigorous editing by Tor. Not a self published book.
It's not YA
@@barbaratyhe2955 could have fooled me with that cover. What adults are reading this stuff?
I agree with your points, but am not knowledgeable enough on Sanderson. Can you provide a link to your Sanderson video? I'll definitely check it out.
@@yapdog sure! ruclips.net/video/Bs_H67dDN80/видео.html
me who is writing my first chapter: 👁️👄👁️
Yeah, there's tons of infodump, but it sounds a bit unfair to criticize the infodump and also the fact that some pieces of info may be omitted.
Dear Sami and Books, if I will ever finish my novel, could I ask you for feedback?
Wait it’s literally called Cirque du Borge? I thought people were joking about that, being snarky! Borge doesn’t mean anything in French, but in Norwegian it means ‘to vouch for/to guarantee’ no? Circus of being vouched for? Did she think adding an ‘e’ after it made it look French and then just shrugged and added a thumbs up after?
Sometimes some people are better teachers than being good examples of whatever it is they're teaching others.
Do you think the author paid to get the book edited? I feel roo many self-publishers just throw their first draft on Amazon KDP and hope to grab a few dollars and put no effort into editing the book. I've seen many "writers," say that a writer needs to be able to edit their own work and they don't need to spend money on Editors and proofreaders.
I am a very porous person. And since English is not my first language, I'm afraid that in a couple of days, chances are, my writing will be the same as what you've shown. Hell, maybe the way you speak, too. Am I in trouble??
Nah. He's sharing his opinion. And, personally, I agree with some of his points, disagree with others. Just keep writing and learning. You'll be aaight.
Where's your novels mate? Love to read some of your work as you're such an expert
Lmao so you have to have books written in order to criticize a book? What kind of goober logic is that?
Is that you Meg?
I disagree about the prose. Prose is a very subjective thing and even the greatest authors get hurled on for one measly line they probably left in. The biggest issue one could truly have is the overall plot of the story. The plot tries to be too many subjects at once. A story should have a clear direction, a map, a feeling, and a journey.
Yeah, They had an IDEA!
Ghost Wrighters went Wild with the LACK of $$$$$
BTW i have watched ANIME in space & the SHIP was called DONNER KABBAB?
i keep hearing u say megalodon when u say her name lolll, love this video btw
Over the top , to say the least.
Bro can I send you my first 3 chapters of the book I'm writing, for some feedback?
I havent read the book and I love to listen to your critiques, but to be totally fair I say fuck in my head several times a day hahhaha thanks for the vid!
I may be a recent writer but I could see how f*cked up this chapter was.
The first thing I noticed was "fucking" which is truly just not something someone would say in their own head unless you first reinforce how angry they are, and even then, they would voice it over keep it bottled in their mind. Too intense for the first introduction and truly unnecessary.
I think the word fuck as much as GG.
@@ringinn7880 yeah but fucking sets a higher bar because it is used as a verb.
"Well fuck"
"Fucking great"
Ok. So my writing isn't THAT bad.
Not a great book, but the opening line is arguably the best part of it, it might be cringey teenager etc if you read any sample e.g. first chapter you know what you are getting, if you are worried about cringey you aren't spending money on horny circus robots using fancy boats in outerspace with a cancer patient thrown in the mix
I thought you were French until you said "is this French or some shit like that"
Informative.
Loooooooool your reviews can be cutthroat sometimes 🤦♂️🤣
"wwwooowwh subhanallah" got me....😂
It doesn’t look that bad to be honest. Just looks like it needed another edit.
I dunno about the f bombs. I love with people who can drop f**k 20 times in less than a minute.
There is a difference between your friend cursing like a sailor and a terrible 'Karen' cursing like a sailor. One is hilarious the other is annoying.
Yeah, I think swearing depends upon the culture. In the US, f-bombs are censored on TV, but in real life conversations amongst adults, they're no big deal. However, there are words that they say in other English-Speaking countries like Britain and Australia which would make an American blush. However, in the Jamaican or Bahamian dialects of English, you really only say the f-word if you're really seriously arguing.
hahaha, the writing is so bad, the man had to say sobhan allah
I'm only 4 minutes into this video and OMFG THIS CHAPTER IS HORRIBLE!!!! Love your videos btw!!!!!
Sometimes one bad adjective or adverb can ruin a whole paragraph
I wouldn't read this book. Cheap language and a badly edited chapter.