Five more days left of The Mental Health Bundle! Super excited for everyone who's already gotten theirs 😊 www.thementalhealthbundle.com/?sa=sa015969818347f4622da6b3334d0a356f9d6dd54e
It's interesting how autistic communication is clear, direct and honest instead of indirect, passive-aggressive and filled with mind games like we are taught through pragmatics in hierarchical societies, yet, they are the ones told to have a communication problem
bingo.. (EDIT) And i'm from the Netherlands.. usually the dutch are very direct. But anyway, triangulation does occur just the same. It's done by the people who are not so direct and honest ;-)
Its cuz the normal is the latter and “normal”is decided by whats more common rather than what is more logical or optimal….also I think that's why when people from certain countries travel to others such as the uk or America they “seem” autsitic because their communication is more direct and clear
Please, would you consider talking about friendship jealousy at some point? When you have a partner and her best friend is very needy so they spend a lot of time together and that makes you jealous, because you also enjoy spending time with your partner (there is no fear of cheating etc.) Or when you have a great friend, then they get a partner and they are so in love with their new partner, that all they talk about is that partner and it's often their first priority... I would love your insight and take on those (inner) issues.
Even just friends, I pretended I'm not jealous until somebody told me we all are... I caught myself feeling jealous of a new friend who met a new friend. It sounds childish, but I felt it... Niting big happened but I was astound to see that I get jealous even over unimportant situations...
My abusive mother plays the victim and turned literally everyone in my family against me when I went no contact. So I became no contact with my whole family, but not necessarily willingly. It's really weird to feel like an orphan when both of your parents are still alive.
@@AnaPsychology I can help you with an example of triangulation at work, since it happened to me: **Scenario - female covert narc boss joins my new team and is trying to turn them against me** *Me in the team chat posting a team event* *Female covert narc boss sends private message to me* Female covert narc boss: Do you mind moving your event to another time? *Female covert narc boss sends private message to my product manager* Female covert narc boss: I just messaged OP and she didn't reply Product manager: I can't believe she didn't reply! Female covert narc boss: It's a big day and we have a lot to do Product manager: I agree - should I say in the team chat that some people can do this event and others can focus on something else? Female covert narc boss: Sounds good Product manager: I was talking to the other PMs about OP actually Product manager: Just about there's a different line between allowing someone to have different treatment due to their disability, but also being responsible N.B. Before my female covert boss came to my team, my product manager was praising me for working lots of unpaid overtime Female covert narc boss: Yeah I'm really struggling with her - I don't know how to get her to be productive Product manager: For the team too Female covert narc boss: I am catching up with her line manager one more time before he leaves - maybe I can help Product manager: Yeah, the other PMs have suggested sending an email, so it's more formal, so I'm thinking of a nice way to do that Female covert narc boss: Happy to help if you want - it's definitely good to get these things documented. This is not public knowledge but while I was on holiday and another manager was in charge, she complained about a couple of people in the team and said not very nice things to them. Which I am hoping she won't do again. But I am a little worried. N.B. Not true - I complained about a disrespectful male colleague while she was in charge. She then created a hostile environment, which led to my other colleagues mobbing me and then making fun of my disability and I defended myself.
I never knew this term until this video and it makes perfect sense. I’ve experienced this in family relationships and recognize this in my work environment as well. While I can’t control how others use this kind of manipulation, I’m going to challenge myself to not be guilty of it myself.
This is a great psycyhology channel. You provide specific examples. You don't try to trick viewers into thinking every situation applies to them, or that they're bad people
It shocked me when I saw the first seconds of the video. You said "I'm an fiction author and doctor at clinical psychology"... wow! I watch your videos since you called yourself just "student" of psychology. Awesome experience to watch people growing and progressing at the narrative of their lives. Especially an youtuber that you like so much. Maybe it sounds kinda late, but congratulations! Love from Brazil! I always send your videos to my friends because they really helped me in soooo many ways in the course of my life.
My high school teacher became my supervisor as an adult… he isolated, groomed and triangulated me amongst a lot of people I worked with. He did it to everyone that worked in his office. However, when I quit that toxic work environment, he ran a smear campaign against me and triangulated an old high school friend against me. She started posting messages with him and things related to what he was claiming against me-trying to make a point. He was already removed from my life, but I removed her as well. It took me a couple of months to accept that if she can easily be manipulated and not question things, then she’s not someone I need to keep contact with.
Yeah you really don't need people around you who will believe the worst things about you without asking a single question. I guess neither of you knew the other well in the end
@@nickthompson1812 Generally people on the targeted end of a smear campaign haven't done anything... That's the point. Someone else felt entitled to control them and they didn't live into that.
i was triangulated once in my past relationship- would even go to say that this is when issues started to arise. ny ex bf’s best friend (she is a girl, and i’m a girl) would make snarky remarks about me or wouldn’t be as friendly as i was being with her, for no reason. she wouldn’t invite me to things but would invite my ex. where my ex went wrong (and this is the part that hurt me most) is that he wasn’t able to call it by its name until it became incredibly apparent (i saw messages about me where she had been pass aggressive towards me in conversation with him) yet he didn’t stand up to her until the very end of the relationship. i was too hurt by that point and started considering other options. I always thought about confronting her about her pass agg ways but then I was scared of getting gaslit and making a fool of myself. If this happened today, I would risk this and walk with my head held high, even reconsidering my ex’s position…
Crazy to realize that this is a huge dynamic in my family, all of us trying to inadvertently fix eachother through different family members 😭 im glad im more aware of it now at least 😊
this video slaps so hard. i knew about parental triangulation and enmeshment, but had several situations where different friends were experiencing triangulation (including me) but i lacked the right words to describe it and how it was manipulative. i loved the roleplay demonstration--explaining what to do "if you're Ben/Claire/Alice in this situation" was so helpful. you're the bomb!!
My boss was talking to me through the coworkers, it was hell, until I told them: - no matter what he says don't tell me, even if he wants to fire me tomorrow... After that life became gr8 again. But I never knew until now about triangulation as a concept. But after my work incident, I made a rule not to talk about others, nor to listen what others said about me. It made my life much easier and friends respected me more, because maybe they felt safe with me... Don't know, but it works...
Honestly it’s still hard to grasp this one because I feel for us it’s difficult to tell when someone is just “sharing their thoughts “ and is trying to “actively “ manipulate the situation. The skits really helped ❤ Although it was still hard for me to grasp even after you explained it because of the above ^ This time I ended with more questions haha 😂
We can't always know if someone is sharing with an intent to manipulate or not, what is more important is how WE respond to this sharing and what we do with this shared information. If you stay neutral and they do try to manipulate, they'll start pushing harder and become more obvious and if they are just sharing, your simple supportive statement will be enough for them and will end that topic.
Yup, yup and yup. Loved the moveable diagrams. Explains, everything using geometry. Clear, concise and totally relatable, for my growing mind. Thank You🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟.
It’s tricky if you have someone in your life who doesn’t seem to be able to have any direct conversations about any issues- and in fact punishes for any feedback , even if delivered kindly. It builds tension in a common social circle. So - you said - your friend wouldn’t be offended if they heard something you said to someone else - some people are very sensitive- and of course others might be baiting gossip by asking you to talk about something they know is an issue in one of your relationships - for the purpose of creating further divide - it can be frustrating when people won’t really say what is going on.
And btw - my ring was stolen- along with other personal items just the other day - you can’t break into a home and steal thousands of dollars because a person stalking me and associated platforms are caught committing extremely serious felony crimes against a victim- I’m not responsible for ANYTHING and you’re not welcome in my home or my devices- this is a federal offense as well as other charges such as invasion of privacy and burglary- there is going to be a lawsuit against ALL participating platforms and neighbors who think violence against anyone in a community is acceptable for - NO REASON at all - there is no evidence of any wrongdoing- I’ve done nothing wrong my entire life - the things done to me are morally reprehensible acts of terrorism. Illegal and there absolutely will be serious consequences for ALL who continue the aggression.
My mom triangulated my brother and myself. It was really painful to try and understand why she wanted so much distance between us. Maybe it was a way to keep each of us under some sort of control. Messed me up pretty good!
I feel like I was a pawn of sorts when a friend of mine started getting involved with my ex boyfriend, it drove me away from a lot of my friends. And really drove me crazy. Later on I realized she did similar triangulation with other friends.
Dr Ana, this was super helpful! As the scapegoat child of the family, I recognized so much of what you’ve described in the way that my stepmom and golden child sister, and her little minions other younger siblings operate against me. It’s sad that a parent that is supposed to ensure the well being and good relationships of their children are missing the point and making it about themselves. Thank you so much!!❤️
My narc mother did it to my father and the family and to me in the family. She’s blind, nearly deaf, confined to a wheelchair and in utter misery in a board and care home and I don’t care. Narcs never change.
I learned so much from this video. Thank you. How enlightening. You have explained something I have lived through for years. It caused deep confusion when I was living through this.
This is great. Also, FME, if a person A is able to be persuaded/manipulated from another person (B) about why I’m not good to Be in relationship with, it would be hard to have a strong/healthy relationship with person A anyway. So person B ultimately did me a favor.
the roleplay scenario is exactly what my friend did to me... I recognised a lot of things and I'm separating myself from certain people now though :') thank you for explaining what's happening bit by bit
Very useful video. I have definitely triangulated people in the past and I wasn't aware I was doing it, almost primally just trying to get what I wanted at any cost without regard for the collateral effects.
You create and share such foundational and progressive psychological information. This is channel is a gem-mine (like goldmine) and I'm indebted to the algorithm for putting me onto your content. Please keep doing what youre doing.
Just cut off two people because of the triangle drama. My friend is in a relationship with someone and he would always vent to me about her. So I didn't like her. Later it all came to light when his girlfriend is trying to be friends with me and wonders why I didn't like her, but I'm not interested in being friends with her and I didn't want to throw my friend under the bus and say that he vents to me. I didn't know what to do.... Even though my friend would complain about her all the time, he would expect that we all be friends in the end. Drama triangle ensues and I regret taking part in it. Eventually I just told her the truth and I just cut them both out because it's exhausting and ain't nobody got time for that.
The role playing really makes it all more clear, i have definetly experienced these type of interactions!!! Thank you, i now know what to do in these situations❤❤❤
I had something similar. Got into a fight with my a good friend, he confided in his best friend (who was my friend as well) and she passed on information to me (I asked her for advice because the good friend is an avoidant). So I knew he had been talking to her and not to me. I tried to talk to him but he was dismissive of my feelings, insulting, got really mad, put me down in front of people ... Long story short: I cut ties with him. She tried to make me apologize to him and always explained his behavior away. I already stopped talking about that with her, not even mentioning his name or she'd pressure me. In the long run she got really passive-aggressive and at the third confrontation she spilled the beans that she was mad at me about how I treated him. Well, I cut her out of my life as well. Very disappointing experience over all (they were longterm friends of more than 10 years). To be fair: I almost accidentally did the same thing with another friend but I cut it off once I recognized that he was starting to take sides and I made him fix things with my former good friends when they started fighting. I never asked him to take my side or to fight the others, he still did.
Great video! It would be very cool to see this analyzed in a work setting (like boss triangulating employees, employees truangulating boss-other employees etc.)
Yes! My family, my father choose me as the scapegoat because I was the only one who put boundaries in his abuse and absence. The result of this I always tend to search for colleagues, friends and girlfriends who act like my Father, confusing Love or Affection with Trauma Bond. Please do more videos related to this confusion I think is a key to understand why we always self sabotage and get use to victimization and suffering as a familiar an desirable destiny over and over again.
Thank you Dr. Ana for including your course I'm the mental health bundle! US dollars are super expensive in my currency and i can finally get access to it! 🎉
I watched this right on the heels of the "9 ways" video about manipulators and boundaries. When you started talking about "why" people triangulate, and mentioned the failure of direct communication, I was struck by the possibility of this seeming like a good idea to someone in that situation of having their boundaries dismissed. Now, obviously I understand you wouldn't want the video to say "here's how it's your fault this is happening", but it occurs to me that a brief discussion of how toxic behavior can beget toxic behavior would be a good antidote to the human tendency toward essentialism. Just my $0.02.
I normally don't care for "role-play" examples (they often seem condescendingly simple imo), but you develop and explain the concepts within with great nuance. Plus, you and "Ben" are so cute together!! I assumed he is your husband lol
The skits were really helpful and although sort of triggering due to the similarities with my experiences with Claire, I couldn’t help but be amused at the times Dr. Ana was forcing out her laughter 🤭. This is a good follow-up from the previous topic and validates my decision to cut-off the mutual friends I had with the person I cut-off because of the choices our then mutual friends made that affected my personal relationship with them. When it comes to such situation, I just know they (the old mutual friends) would eventually learn about that aspect of the person I cut-off first-hand, in one way or the other.
it‘s funny to me as someone with a reverance for mediumship i totally get how this plays out in the problematic but i also have a deep love for how it can foster connection without third part severance! (i’m somewhat sure this is contained in the jokery here). how the distantly applied can become connective, i have an optimistic faith in that on some level but i‘ve also suffered it in the power game sense! like when it can be playful and reveal subconscious nudges.
Skit 2 hitting wayyy too close to home 😂 my friend Ben is seeing a woman who is playing this exact game to try and create space between Ben and I and it bums me out. Hopefully with time, and my total lack of engaging with her catty games, others will also start to see her pattern of insisting every action I do is “to her” when I’m simply existing. I’m getting so tired of being interpreted in the worst light by her, I am so sad Ben hears about these fabricated mean things I’ve been doing. I don’t even try to objectively bring up her behavior with my friends, I don’t want to give her any ammo to say I’m the terrible person that she keeps insisting I am to Ben and our friends (including my husband - yes, she waited until I had left a room so it was only her and Ben and my spouse, she then started crying and claimed I had hit her. Like accused me of physical assault. Lucky that my friend and husband know me, they immediately shut it down but never interpreted her initial lie as malicious).
I have experience triangulation in my family and then i was the one who thought on made it to others until I felt disgusted at the idea, thanks for the video. In my case the black sheep (my sister) told me stuff that my mom said about me or maybe it was sometime untrue stuff to make me feel sad or certain way angry towards my mom, sometime I identify how she still tries doing that but know I don´t give a shit and I saw how it was all a manipulation, is creepy to see how it was always an unconscious or conscious game for her to not feel me like the golden child. Also was eye opening to see how my mother used her for some stuff to triangulate me. Also, I love the example haha funny and educational.
Bro I was locked in to learn about some math ... disappointed BUTTTT also. Wonderfully surprise and loved learning about this so not too disappointed at all. I love all your videos
Hey Ana, love your vids. When you have the time, could you do one on gossip pls. Gossip from sender to receiver of gossip, true or not, purpose, why it happens, the influence of early life experiences of both receiver and sender of gossip and so on. I cant find any that is easy to verify on who the speaker so it makes it difficult to trust their content. Thank you ^_^
What about when someone talks the other person up and never recognizes or positively comments on you, then also takes part in leaving you out of events and acts like nothing is wrong when the other person brings up the events you were left out of?
I think I've done alice the first example with an avoidant partner. I don't know how to feel. I don't think I've ever talked shit about his friends. Just a bunch of codependency. Thinking again about this, I remember how I was the one to speak directly to my partner about things I disagreed/disliked about him/his behavior, after mentioning it to his friends
An ex-friend isolated a different friend through this technique. Wanted to do this with me to but didnt work because I had known the second friend for long enough...
my parents kinda triangulated me against my little sister... thats really what it was in hindsight. she was always the black sheep and i was always defending her and (at least trying) to advocate for her. I guess they didn't like that. I've always been kind of ashamed that the triangulation worked, though.
it's hard to pretend to yourself & the third person you never heard the triangulator's accusations about them. you may keep wondering if they're true & ruminate. i'd rather ask them directly to share their side of the story (if we were close fnough). it's not really an issue between the two anymore once you've heard of and are in some way affected by it.
I fully agree. Being too aloof or ignoring is ultimately harming everyone at that point, mostly yourself. Increased awareness is necessary on fact and fiction to know who's the real snake and whatnot.
Hi Dr Ana! I was wondering if you have, or can make a video about why feelings change towards friends once they get into relationships. I've experienced new feelings of disgust towards male friends of mine who (i believe..) I've never been physically or romantically attracted to, however, these disgust feelings do not fall on my female friends who get into relationships. These feelings go away after a month or so, but I do wonder what this is all about. Is this a normal reaction to have? There are a lot of different reasons why I think I could feel this way, but I wonder how you feel as a psychologist!
Hi Dr. Ana, I’m sorry if this may come off as rude but, if you happen to know about it, may I ask what you think about Dr. Scott Eilers book For When Everything is Burning? I just felt like I really connected with his work but at the same time I’m scared I may be putting too much trust into it as a guidepost for my journey to recovery from depression and anxiety, so I wanted to see if you could spare a second opinion on it as a resource for mental health & wellbeing.
Ooooohhhhh I think almost everybody I know at school is triangulating or at least trying to triangulate. Ppl will tell me all about how bad X person is and I've never even interacted with person X. Or when we hang out they'll start asking me for gossip about person Y. And I'm like ??? Why do we care lmfao
Five more days left of The Mental Health Bundle! Super excited for everyone who's already gotten theirs 😊 www.thementalhealthbundle.com/?sa=sa015969818347f4622da6b3334d0a356f9d6dd54e
They are perfectly aware of the bullshit they do. They just do not want to accept accountability. So it's not going to work out for them.
It's interesting how autistic communication is clear, direct and honest instead of indirect, passive-aggressive and filled with mind games like we are taught through pragmatics in hierarchical societies, yet, they are the ones told to have a communication problem
bingo..
(EDIT) And i'm from the Netherlands.. usually the dutch are very direct.
But anyway, triangulation does occur just the same. It's done by the people who are not so direct and honest ;-)
Its cuz the normal is the latter and “normal”is decided by whats more common rather than what is more logical or optimal….also I think that's why when people from certain countries travel to others such as the uk or America they “seem” autsitic because their communication is more direct and clear
I think it's our ego untrained and acting up.
Geometry with Dr. Ana 😁
A^2 + B^2 = C^2 ?? 😄
This comment wins
emotional geometry
i wonder if she’s considered this from a trigonometric and linear algebraic perspective as well
😂😂😂💯
Please, would you consider talking about friendship jealousy at some point?
When you have a partner and her best friend is very needy so they spend a lot of time together and that makes you jealous, because you also enjoy spending time with your partner (there is no fear of cheating etc.)
Or when you have a great friend, then they get a partner and they are so in love with their new partner, that all they talk about is that partner and it's often their first priority... I would love your insight and take on those (inner) issues.
Ooh interesting topic, noted!
I second this!!
I third this
This. This explained my situation so well. Please make content about this, i want to get over it
Even just friends, I pretended I'm not jealous until somebody told me we all are... I caught myself feeling jealous of a new friend who met a new friend. It sounds childish, but I felt it... Niting big happened but I was astound to see that I get jealous even over unimportant situations...
My abusive mother plays the victim and turned literally everyone in my family against me when I went no contact. So I became no contact with my whole family, but not necessarily willingly. It's really weird to feel like an orphan when both of your parents are still alive.
🫂
Learning about the drama triangle saved me from so many toxic relationships.
Same!!
this happens in the workplace often. This is a new concept for me. I would have just lumped it under manipulation. Great video
It sure can! I hadn't really thought too much of it in that context, does an example come to mind?
Same
I’m facing this triangulation issue recently
@@AnaPsychology I can help you with an example of triangulation at work, since it happened to me:
**Scenario - female covert narc boss joins my new team and is trying to turn them against me**
*Me in the team chat posting a team event*
*Female covert narc boss sends private message to me*
Female covert narc boss: Do you mind moving your event to another time?
*Female covert narc boss sends private message to my product manager*
Female covert narc boss: I just messaged OP and she didn't reply
Product manager: I can't believe she didn't reply!
Female covert narc boss: It's a big day and we have a lot to do
Product manager: I agree - should I say in the team chat that some people can do this event and others can focus on something else?
Female covert narc boss: Sounds good
Product manager: I was talking to the other PMs about OP actually
Product manager: Just about there's a different line between allowing someone to have different treatment due to their disability, but also being responsible
N.B. Before my female covert boss came to my team, my product manager was praising me for working lots of unpaid overtime
Female covert narc boss: Yeah I'm really struggling with her - I don't know how to get her to be productive
Product manager: For the team too
Female covert narc boss: I am catching up with her line manager one more time before he leaves - maybe I can help
Product manager: Yeah, the other PMs have suggested sending an email, so it's more formal, so I'm thinking of a nice way to do that
Female covert narc boss: Happy to help if you want - it's definitely good to get these things documented. This is not public knowledge but while I was on holiday and another manager was in charge, she complained about a couple of people in the team and said not very nice things to them. Which I am hoping she won't do again. But I am a little worried.
N.B. Not true - I complained about a disrespectful male colleague while she was in charge. She then created a hostile environment, which led to my other colleagues mobbing me and then making fun of my disability and I defended myself.
I never knew this term until this video and it makes perfect sense. I’ve experienced this in family relationships and recognize this in my work environment as well. While I can’t control how others use this kind of manipulation, I’m going to challenge myself to not be guilty of it myself.
This is a great psycyhology channel. You provide specific examples. You don't try to trick viewers into thinking every situation applies to them, or that they're bad people
It shocked me when I saw the first seconds of the video. You said "I'm an fiction author and doctor at clinical psychology"... wow! I watch your videos since you called yourself just "student" of psychology. Awesome experience to watch people growing and progressing at the narrative of their lives. Especially an youtuber that you like so much. Maybe it sounds kinda late, but congratulations! Love from Brazil! I always send your videos to my friends because they really helped me in soooo many ways in the course of my life.
My high school teacher became my supervisor as an adult… he isolated, groomed and triangulated me amongst a lot of people I worked with. He did it to everyone that worked in his office. However, when I quit that toxic work environment, he ran a smear campaign against me and triangulated an old high school friend against me. She started posting messages with him and things related to what he was claiming against me-trying to make a point. He was already removed from my life, but I removed her as well. It took me a couple of months to accept that if she can easily be manipulated and not question things, then she’s not someone I need to keep contact with.
Yeah you really don't need people around you who will believe the worst things about you without asking a single question. I guess neither of you knew the other well in the end
Why did he run a smear campaign on you, what did you do?
@@nickthompson1812
Generally people on the targeted end of a smear campaign haven't done anything... That's the point. Someone else felt entitled to control them and they didn't live into that.
i was triangulated once in my past relationship- would even go to say that this is when issues started to arise. ny ex bf’s best friend (she is a girl, and i’m a girl) would make snarky remarks about me or wouldn’t be as friendly as i was being with her, for no reason. she wouldn’t invite me to things but would invite my ex. where my ex went wrong (and this is the part that hurt me most) is that he wasn’t able to call it by its name until it became incredibly apparent (i saw messages about me where she had been pass aggressive towards me in conversation with him) yet he didn’t stand up to her until the very end of the relationship. i was too hurt by that point and started considering other options.
I always thought about confronting her about her pass agg ways but then I was scared of getting gaslit and making a fool of myself. If this happened today, I would risk this and walk with my head held high, even reconsidering my ex’s position…
Crazy to realize that this is a huge dynamic in my family, all of us trying to inadvertently fix eachother through different family members 😭 im glad im more aware of it now at least 😊
This explains a ton of my relationships when I was a teenager.
this video slaps so hard. i knew about parental triangulation and enmeshment, but had several situations where different friends were experiencing triangulation (including me) but i lacked the right words to describe it and how it was manipulative. i loved the roleplay demonstration--explaining what to do "if you're Ben/Claire/Alice in this situation" was so helpful. you're the bomb!!
wow i have been doing this d i never realize it was harming others and also me, thankyou for this
Same!
“I don’t know what I did to deserve this.” Triggered.
My boss was talking to me through the coworkers, it was hell, until I told them: - no matter what he says don't tell me, even if he wants to fire me tomorrow... After that life became gr8 again. But I never knew until now about triangulation as a concept. But after my work incident, I made a rule not to talk about others, nor to listen what others said about me. It made my life much easier and friends respected me more, because maybe they felt safe with me... Don't know, but it works...
Honestly it’s still hard to grasp this one because I feel for us it’s difficult to tell when someone is just “sharing their thoughts “ and is trying to “actively “ manipulate the situation. The skits really helped ❤ Although it was still hard for me to grasp even after you explained it because of the above ^
This time I ended with more questions haha 😂
We can't always know if someone is sharing with an intent to manipulate or not, what is more important is how WE respond to this sharing and what we do with this shared information. If you stay neutral and they do try to manipulate, they'll start pushing harder and become more obvious and if they are just sharing, your simple supportive statement will be enough for them and will end that topic.
Yup, yup and yup. Loved the moveable diagrams. Explains, everything using geometry. Clear, concise and totally relatable, for my growing mind. Thank You🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟.
It’s tricky if you have someone in your life who doesn’t seem to be able to have any direct conversations about any issues- and in fact punishes for any feedback , even if delivered kindly. It builds tension in a common social circle. So - you said - your friend wouldn’t be offended if they heard something you said to someone else - some people are very sensitive- and of course others might be baiting gossip by asking you to talk about something they know is an issue in one of your relationships - for the purpose of creating further divide - it can be frustrating when people won’t really say what is going on.
And btw - my ring was stolen- along with other personal items just the other day - you can’t break into a home and steal thousands of dollars because a person stalking me and associated platforms are caught committing extremely serious felony crimes against a victim- I’m not responsible for ANYTHING and you’re not welcome in my home or my devices- this is a federal offense as well as other charges such as invasion of privacy and burglary- there is going to be a lawsuit against ALL participating platforms and neighbors who think violence against anyone in a community is acceptable for - NO REASON at all - there is no evidence of any wrongdoing- I’ve done nothing wrong my entire life - the things done to me are morally reprehensible acts of terrorism. Illegal and there absolutely will be serious consequences for ALL who continue the aggression.
My mom triangulated my brother and myself. It was really painful to try and understand why she wanted so much distance between us. Maybe it was a way to keep each of us under some sort of control. Messed me up pretty good!
I feel like I was a pawn of sorts when a friend of mine started getting involved with my ex boyfriend, it drove me away from a lot of my friends. And really drove me crazy. Later on I realized she did similar triangulation with other friends.
Dr Ana, this was super helpful! As the scapegoat child of the family, I recognized so much of what you’ve described in the way that my stepmom and golden child sister, and her little minions other younger siblings operate against me. It’s sad that a parent that is supposed to ensure the well being and good relationships of their children are missing the point and making it about themselves. Thank you so much!!❤️
loved the video❤ i think i have been in the 3 places in a triangulation, its hard to see how much in common i share with my family
An aunt would speak derogatorily about her husband to me a child within his earshot. Slowly, he stopped liking me. 😢😢
I don't pickup on social cues easily so the skits help a lot, thank you!
My narc mother did it to my father and the family and to me in the family. She’s blind, nearly deaf, confined to a wheelchair and in utter misery in a board and care home and I don’t care. Narcs never change.
They can certainly stir up alot of decisive drama ! End up in therapy for narc abuse .
this was such a helpful video! Shows the value of boundaries and direct communication
My abusive father turned my mother against me.
Very sorry to hear that
Thank you. My childhood was hell. Videos like yours have helped me immensely.
I learned so much from this video. Thank you. How enlightening. You have explained something I have lived through for years. It caused deep confusion when I was living through this.
This is great. Also, FME, if a person A is able to be persuaded/manipulated from another person (B) about why I’m not good to
Be in relationship with, it would be hard to have a strong/healthy relationship with person A anyway. So person B ultimately did me a favor.
the roleplay scenario is exactly what my friend did to me... I recognised a lot of things and I'm separating myself from certain people now though :') thank you for explaining what's happening bit by bit
Very useful video. I have definitely triangulated people in the past and I wasn't aware I was doing it, almost primally just trying to get what I wanted at any cost without regard for the collateral effects.
I find this super common in working relationships at almost any type of job
You create and share such foundational and progressive psychological information. This is channel is a gem-mine (like goldmine) and I'm indebted to the algorithm for putting me onto your content. Please keep doing what youre doing.
Just cut off two people because of the triangle drama. My friend is in a relationship with someone and he would always vent to me about her. So I didn't like her. Later it all came to light when his girlfriend is trying to be friends with me and wonders why I didn't like her, but I'm not interested in being friends with her and I didn't want to throw my friend under the bus and say that he vents to me. I didn't know what to do.... Even though my friend would complain about her all the time, he would expect that we all be friends in the end. Drama triangle ensues and I regret taking part in it. Eventually I just told her the truth and I just cut them both out because it's exhausting and ain't nobody got time for that.
The role playing really makes it all more clear, i have definetly experienced these type of interactions!!! Thank you, i now know what to do in these situations❤❤❤
Informative + the role playing was on point also. Keep UP the good work Anna and Co. 🙃😎✌️
Thank you for this video!! ❤❤💯
The drama triangle is in every action Hollywood movie.
I'd love to hear more about triangulation with regards to power structures. In particular, those found in the workplace
I had something similar. Got into a fight with my a good friend, he confided in his best friend (who was my friend as well) and she passed on information to me (I asked her for advice because the good friend is an avoidant). So I knew he had been talking to her and not to me. I tried to talk to him but he was dismissive of my feelings, insulting, got really mad, put me down in front of people ... Long story short: I cut ties with him. She tried to make me apologize to him and always explained his behavior away. I already stopped talking about that with her, not even mentioning his name or she'd pressure me. In the long run she got really passive-aggressive and at the third confrontation she spilled the beans that she was mad at me about how I treated him. Well, I cut her out of my life as well. Very disappointing experience over all (they were longterm friends of more than 10 years).
To be fair: I almost accidentally did the same thing with another friend but I cut it off once I recognized that he was starting to take sides and I made him fix things with my former good friends when they started fighting. I never asked him to take my side or to fight the others, he still did.
i've never heard of gray rocking before- learning so much!!
The examples/role play help so much!
This video is amazing. And made me realize I've been in all those positions many times. Thank you for giving me insights on how to break those cycles
Great video! It would be very cool to see this analyzed in a work setting (like boss triangulating employees, employees truangulating boss-other employees etc.)
I’ve been experiencing this for years
Yes! My family, my father choose me as the scapegoat because I was the only one who put boundaries in his abuse and absence. The result of this I always tend to search for colleagues, friends and girlfriends who act like my Father, confusing Love or Affection with Trauma Bond. Please do more videos related to this confusion I think is a key to understand why we always self sabotage and get use to victimization and suffering as a familiar an desirable destiny over and over again.
Thank you Dr. Ana for including your course I'm the mental health bundle! US dollars are super expensive in my currency and i can finally get access to it! 🎉
I'm so glad to hear the bundle helped make the course more accessible for you! This comment means everything to me
I watched this right on the heels of the "9 ways" video about manipulators and boundaries. When you started talking about "why" people triangulate, and mentioned the failure of direct communication, I was struck by the possibility of this seeming like a good idea to someone in that situation of having their boundaries dismissed. Now, obviously I understand you wouldn't want the video to say "here's how it's your fault this is happening", but it occurs to me that a brief discussion of how toxic behavior can beget toxic behavior would be a good antidote to the human tendency toward essentialism. Just my $0.02.
This was so helpful!! Thank you so much for making this video :D
Thanks Dr Ana for explaining this topic so well 👍 (from Bill in Seattle)
I normally don't care for "role-play" examples (they often seem condescendingly simple imo), but you develop and explain the concepts within with great nuance. Plus, you and "Ben" are so cute together!! I assumed he is your husband lol
Super interesting topic. Thanks for laying the topic out in a way that is easy to understand.
what is A? what is B? what is C? what IS... triangulation? a rain of ruin, that is what it is!
The skits were really helpful and although sort of triggering due to the similarities with my experiences with Claire, I couldn’t help but be amused at the times Dr. Ana was forcing out her laughter 🤭.
This is a good follow-up from the previous topic and validates my decision to cut-off the mutual friends I had with the person I cut-off because of the choices our then mutual friends made that affected my personal relationship with them. When it comes to such situation, I just know they (the old mutual friends) would eventually learn about that aspect of the person I cut-off first-hand, in one way or the other.
I just had this happen to me, exactly like this.
Brilliant, thanks
Only child with parents. My whole life has been triangulation.
Thank you for this Dr Ana!
Really love the examples!!! Keep doing them
I appreciate how person A, B and C in your examples are named Alice (A), Ben (B), and Claire (C).
Great video, thanks 👍
Thank you! Sounds like the movie Challengers
I don’t think ppl would be able get through that much content despite the value.
What? The video?
@@ethereal946 no the offer!
3:13 control in dynamics
OMG I think I need this knowledge ❤
A new subscriber here from Morocco
it‘s funny to me as someone with a reverance for mediumship i totally get how this plays out in the problematic but i also have a deep love for how it can foster connection without third part severance! (i’m somewhat sure this is contained in the jokery here). how the distantly applied can become connective, i have an optimistic faith in that on some level but i‘ve also suffered it in the power game sense! like when it can be playful and reveal subconscious nudges.
Skit 2 hitting wayyy too close to home 😂 my friend Ben is seeing a woman who is playing this exact game to try and create space between Ben and I and it bums me out.
Hopefully with time, and my total lack of engaging with her catty games, others will also start to see her pattern of insisting every action I do is “to her” when I’m simply existing. I’m getting so tired of being interpreted in the worst light by her, I am so sad Ben hears about these fabricated mean things I’ve been doing. I don’t even try to objectively bring up her behavior with my friends, I don’t want to give her any ammo to say I’m the terrible person that she keeps insisting I am to Ben and our friends (including my husband - yes, she waited until I had left a room so it was only her and Ben and my spouse, she then started crying and claimed I had hit her. Like accused me of physical assault. Lucky that my friend and husband know me, they immediately shut it down but never interpreted her initial lie as malicious).
Great episode
:/ know a girl that stays doing this. I wish she had truly changed. I need to as well.
ur demonstrations are always so funny
Thanks doc 💪
I have experience triangulation in my family and then i was the one who thought on made it to others until I felt disgusted at the idea, thanks for the video. In my case the black sheep (my sister) told me stuff that my mom said about me or maybe it was sometime untrue stuff to make me feel sad or certain way angry towards my mom, sometime I identify how she still tries doing that but know I don´t give a shit and I saw how it was all a manipulation, is creepy to see how it was always an unconscious or conscious game for her to not feel me like the golden child. Also was eye opening to see how my mother used her for some stuff to triangulate me. Also, I love the example haha funny and educational.
Bro I was locked in to learn about some math ... disappointed BUTTTT also. Wonderfully surprise and loved learning about this so not too disappointed at all. I love all your videos
Hey Ana, love your vids. When you have the time, could you do one on gossip pls. Gossip from sender to receiver of gossip, true or not, purpose, why it happens, the influence of early life experiences of both receiver and sender of gossip and so on. I cant find any that is easy to verify on who the speaker so it makes it difficult to trust their content.
Thank you ^_^
What about when someone talks the other person up and never recognizes or positively comments on you, then also takes part in leaving you out of events and acts like nothing is wrong when the other person brings up the events you were left out of?
*screaming geometrically*
Trigonometria ❤
Thanks
Oh have I ever! It is my ex's favorite way to abuse me!
I think I've done alice the first example with an avoidant partner. I don't know how to feel.
I don't think I've ever talked shit about his friends.
Just a bunch of codependency.
Thinking again about this, I remember how I was the one to speak directly to my partner about things I disagreed/disliked about him/his behavior, after mentioning it to his friends
An ex-friend isolated a different friend through this technique. Wanted to do this with me to but didnt work because I had known the second friend for long enough...
I like the new camera
Thanks for noticing! I was very overdue for a new phone lol
my parents kinda triangulated me against my little sister... thats really what it was in hindsight. she was always the black sheep and i was always defending her and (at least trying) to advocate for her. I guess they didn't like that. I've always been kind of ashamed that the triangulation worked, though.
it's hard to pretend to yourself & the third person you never heard the triangulator's accusations about them. you may keep wondering if they're true & ruminate. i'd rather ask them directly to share their side of the story (if we were close fnough). it's not really an issue between the two anymore once you've heard of and are in some way affected by it.
I fully agree. Being too aloof or ignoring is ultimately harming everyone at that point, mostly yourself. Increased awareness is necessary on fact and fiction to know who's the real snake and whatnot.
Meanwhile there is me who cant even get a relationship lol
Hi Dr Ana! I was wondering if you have, or can make a video about why feelings change towards friends once they get into relationships. I've experienced new feelings of disgust towards male friends of mine who (i believe..) I've never been physically or romantically attracted to, however, these disgust feelings do not fall on my female friends who get into relationships. These feelings go away after a month or so, but I do wonder what this is all about. Is this a normal reaction to have? There are a lot of different reasons why I think I could feel this way, but I wonder how you feel as a psychologist!
damn this is soooo common 😩
There should be a meme about Person A.
Why does feeling shame lead to someone behaving worse?
Because they know what they're doing is wrong so they'll find any reason to not have the blame on them.
sin(love) + cos(hate) = 1
Hi Dr. Ana, I’m sorry if this may come off as rude but, if you happen to know about it, may I ask what you think about Dr. Scott Eilers book For When Everything is Burning? I just felt like I really connected with his work but at the same time I’m scared I may be putting too much trust into it as a guidepost for my journey to recovery from depression and anxiety, so I wanted to see if you could spare a second opinion on it as a resource for mental health & wellbeing.
you didnt forget. this was a scheduled upload
So far I only knew triangulation in chess. It's time to learn something new!
Dr. ANA you are the whole package smart and very Beautiful.
Could a therapist participate in triangulation? 🤔
Does Parental Alienation (that totally doesn't exist according to Feminists) qualify as triangulation...hypothetically?
Ooooohhhhh I think almost everybody I know at school is triangulating or at least trying to triangulate. Ppl will tell me all about how bad X person is and I've never even interacted with person X. Or when we hang out they'll start asking me for gossip about person Y.
And I'm like ??? Why do we care lmfao