100% agree don't put a child on the spot asking if you they like something. Not a Foster kid myself but was and still am extremely anxious and would just agree for 'safety'. Don't want to compound an already stressful situation
The worst experience was usually it was a shared room with their bio or adopted child so the room was already "somebody else's" so even if you wanted to personalize it felt like you couldn't
Exactly. It's really tough being in a new environment with new smells and strange rooms. When I would be put in a new home the nice things in the home were the last things on my mind
I'm a foster child. Saved myself from quite possibly the most toxic situation a child could experience. My mom didn't want me, everyday she'd make that clear with verbal and physical abuse. She was addict to meth and heroin and my dad was a one night stand who was a deadbeat alcoholic who forced me to drink alcohol at 7, practically held me down with a bottle of my throat and sexually abused me afterwards. birthdays were none, Christmas was unknown, even my birthday. We were broke a lot, hungry. How did they solve their money problems? They sold me around for money, my virginity was taken through rape, I was 12. Anytime I wanted to find help, I was threatened with death. Poison, bashing my head in, hell even being shot on the spot. I was shut up for most of my life. My p foster parents changed that all, slowly but not fully. I'm damaged but not broken.
@@elleanorjinner6965 I'm so sorry for all you had experience, I'm glad your foster parents changed your life for the better. No person should ever have to go through that. This is such a hard thing for children to go through, it's on foster parents to try to allievate these issues and not make it worse.
2 sided comforter is a small but brilliant call. May I mention, children coming from neglect often feel guilty about money spent on them, they have trouble asserting they don't like something. You really are foster parent goals, thank you for your sage advice.
OH on this note, remove price tags, unless it's something expensive enough to be worth returning if someone doesn't like it. Not just for foster kids, I never wanted to know what my parents might have spent, even if it was clearanced. (edit: i know nothing about fostering, so obviously if there's a rule about price tags, do that)
I was never really a Foster kid but I moved and live with my moms friends a lot since she couldn’t take care of me, no adoptions happened so I don’t think it counts as fostering but anyway, to this day as im almost an adult I still feel really bad when someone spends money on me and I don’t like it.
I bet they’d also be afraid their foster parents get mad at them like their biological parents did, probably going with the flow to not upset anyone. It may be hard for them to be honest when honesty would cause domestic violence.
@annistar9693that is so heartbreaking. As we know in an ideal world every child should feel loved and wanted . I use to work with children who didn’t get a lot of love or attention at home . They were absolutely lovely kids , and some of them I’ll never forget
My three grandchildren got adopted by their wonderful foster parents!! I was sick and unable to take them when my daughter died. I was so worried!!! They now have a fantastic family!!! I couldn't dream of better parents for them and they keep me in their lives. I thank God daily that they were placed in this family.🙏🙏🙏
@@maryburger1232 If the grandmother was too sick to give the children the life they deserved and now they have amazing people to take care of them and can still be in contact with their grandma, that's a win win situation, isn't it? Your feelings are valid tho and I hope you heal from whatever you need to.
@@maryburger1232 "Finding out"? I think they already know since they have contact with their grandma. My mother was adopted but she always had contact with her biological parents and always knew. They were too poor to take care of her, so she understands it would be a hard life living with them. Her biological sister tho was adopted by other people and freaked out when they told her she was adopted bc they waited till she was almost an adult.
I really appreciate how you show the importance of facial expressions. Parents who are going through trauma but want to comfort their kids often exaggerate happy facial features and gestures to pretend like everything is ok. But they also do it to try and get the child to act happy and ok so the parent can feel better about the situation. So when a new caregiver presents really cheerful with big smiles and big energy, kids can feel that its not a safe moment and that this person might be just like their parents. Or that they might be expected to act happy like they did to soothe their parents. So being calm and “normal” can communicate so much more about this being a safe place where they can shut off some of their manual trauma responses.
I disagree but only partially, if exaggerated gestures and facial expressions is very natural to you and just a part of how you communicate then it isn't a problem, what you should avoid doing is trying to act any particular way around the child, you should just be yourself and as natural as possible with them, if you look like you're acting it seems like you're hiding something or that you're trying to manipulate them or that you're trying to bait them into giving a certain response, it makes people distrustful and puts them on edge because it feels insincere. If you just act like yourself and talk to them like they're another person, and their identity and feelings and opinions and experiences are just as important as yours, they will respond much better and be much more trusting of you.
This is only somewhat true.. If you’re a person who’s outside of the trauma, (like a teacher or caretaker) it’s actually more helpful to smile often and talk in a cheerful tone to the child. Distraction is crucial as well. I work in a crisis nursery and if we matched the energy of our clients coming in- we’d be screaming and crying too! You have to balance between validating the child’s feelings, discussing them as much as they want and also using your disposition to set the mood of the moment. Children will follow your lead and a child can tell when and adult is covering up an emotion! Calm and happy is the way to go. A lot of the kids I work with don’t have an adult in their life who portrays consistent good moods and positivity, or someone who’s always willing to engage with them when they want. So when they find one, they’re immediately intrigued! I’m a naturally happy and goofy person most of the time but I also have a strong nurturing spirit and the children tend to gravitate towards me! Luckily for me, that foot of trust in the door is enough to make a big difference eventually
Absolutely. And perhaps less info about personalising their room that they may well hope they can leave next day. The reality they are not going home soon may be too much to process on day 1
Thank you a lot for your comment. I come from an abusive background where both my parents had been abused, too, and never got any therapy or even friends to talk and then coped in ways that lead to different but equally severe kinds of violence and neglect towards themselves and each other and traumatic experiences for me, but however, I've left them behind and am starting to rehabilitate myself and am always eager to learn and understand more about what has happened to me and what made me first think and feel the ways that I harbour until today (I am 26) even though they've adapted. Going back to see how the core of disorders, inner conflicts and other suffering has (probably/partly) formed has proven to be very helpful for me to come closer to leading a stable life. So I am very grateful for this insight of yours. I definitely found myself in this explanation and that means a lot for me. :)
I love the idea of the wall decals! What a fun and easy way to let the kids customize their space! I want to be a foster parent when I'm older so I've really enjoyed your videos and your ideas!
The wall decals are genius! It's a lot of work to paint a room (and I know many foster parents do paint, no hate on that) but for an easy quick personalization the decals are totally the way to go!
@@foster.parenting - not everyone is financial enough to be a foster parent. Part of life and learning. I don't see that system that works for kids or adults. The whole thing is a sham. If a potential parent doesn't have a vehicle, they will be denied being a foster parent, yet in places like NY, it's ok if foster parents don't have a vehicle and they use the subway. 🤦🏼♀️
@@ilovenoodles7483 She even has a whole different video talking about how all the expenses needed to take care of foster kids aren't always covered, and you may have to pay out-of-pocket. So she definitely wasn't implying that everyone's in a financial situation to do so.
But parents would already be aware because they’ve known the kid since they were born, this is for meeting someone new during a crisis situation and having to stay in a strange place
And it's super ok and very natural, if the child is angry and Hates everything. Just keep on loving them without smothering them and without expecting anything in return. They did not choose to be with you. They are allowed to be angry about it.
as someone who has been through foster care and had abusive foster parents, when they took me up to my room i was told i could not change it and aways had to keep it tidy, they even made me put on new sheets because they didn’t want me to have the ones i brought from my house. when a child is moved from a comfortable environment to one they’ve never been in before it can be extremely overwhelming and to not be able to have your safe space like your bedroom at home, is very unsettling
@@sarinabina5487 they made it very clear i would not be going home, my mother didn’t love me and i didn’t deserve it. they were going to adopt me but thankfully my mother got me back. they wanted to isolate me, took away all of my electronics, couldn’t see any friend unless i cleaned the entire house (it was 3 stories + extremely cluttered)
@@desertsoull Uhm did you tell your mother or social workers to report them? People like this should NOT be allowed to foster or adopt. Were they the religious fundies too by any chance??
@@alexreid1173 Doesn’t sound borderline abusive it is abusive. People like this shouldn’t be allowed to foster or adopt. They shouldn’t even be allowed biological children.
I love how this is framed as “new” vs “experienced.” It’s not that somebody is doing something “wrong” for which they need to be ashamed. But there are lessons learned and methods modified based on experience. It’s a gracious way to help well meaning people learn.
As a foster kid, this made me cry so much. Thankfully my parents (I consider my foster family to be my real family) welcomed me with open arms. When I met my foster mom for the first time, she kissed me on the head, I felt embarrassed like a daughter would be with her mom. That’s when I knew that they were my family. I first met my mom when I was in the mental hospital during visitation. When she left every one was talking about how she was such a cool mom, and I genuinely felt that. My parents had at least 30 kids before me, so they’re really experienced. I love them so much. I can’t ask for a better family. P.S. I’m sorry to whoever didn’t and/ or doesn’t have a good foster home. There are really bad ones out there and I’m so terribly sorry. I’m here for you whenever you need.
That's very nice to hear because we are hoping to do long-term foster care in the future. We are 27 and 29 years and have 0 experience in that so far but hearing your experience from childs perspective is encouraging. I have worked with kids from 0-10 years old in the past.
Can I just say that as someone who grew up in a miserable tumultuous household, these videos are so so therapeutic to watch and just knowing that there are loving and caring parents out there is such a balm to my soul
This is absolutely spot on! I'm a CPS Manager, and this perfectly describes some of the things foster parents do (with the best of intentions) that can cause anxiety for children who have recently been removed or changed placements. I'm glad you showed a better way for foster parents to introduce a child to their new room. Thank you for sharing this!
This unexpectedly reminded me of when I was 18 and was living in a shelter for older teens/young adults. The youth worker said some similar stuff about my room, and acknowledged that it might feel weird the first night. Very sweet ❤
I'm sorry you didn't receive what you needed back when you needed it. Hope you are among the folks who find it healing to watch some of these videos. 🫂
You’re convincing me I could probably make this work. I have two extra bedrooms in my house, work for myself and fortunately have the resources. I have been hesitant because my mom was such an asshole and I’m afraid of treating a child anything like how she treated me. Maybe I could! Maybe.
Remember that there is no more perfect time to start than the present! If you think you're ready and your life is stable financially then I think you should get the training and go for it! It will be tough at first as you figure it out but as long as you put the child first I'm sure you'll do great!
Parenting courses are super helpful! I know so many people who had amazing experiences going that route, since you can go into tough situations with almost pre-determined steps on how you want to handle it. But I believe you can do it!
Thank you for these not only are they helpful for obviously fostering children but today I’m feeling especially guilty for not responding to my abusive mother when she messages me and seeing your behavior on these and how a caring guardian acts is more reassurance as to why I keep her so distant. Sorry to vent on here but I’ve been feeling super super guilty about it even though I know I shouldn’t 😅
Just want to validate: that guilt is a normal feeling. You're not bad or weak for experiencing that guilt. But it's also good that you choose to let go of the guilt, because ultimately that guilt is not warranted, and it isn't going to serve you. Keep going, you're doing great 🙂
Sweetheart, it's ok, I promise. She should feel guilty for what she put you through. You don't ever have to feel guilty for her. If she didn't have the time to be a good parent for you, you don't have to make time for her. Your welcome to vent whenever you want 😊 and don't let anyone tell you otherwise
I wasn't TECHNICALLY a foster kid, but my family bounced me from house to house from about the time I was 14/15 until I was 18. Watching your videos have been incredibly relatable and has helped me understand some of my own emotions.
@@Hi-wz9wc more or less, CPS gave custody to my grandparents, then my dad ended up getting out of jail, my grandparents decided they didn't wanna deal with me no more, moved me to my dad's house, then he moved me back with with my grandparents, which then moved me to my uncle's house, which then moved me to my aunt's house, who then moved me back to my grandparents house, who then moved me back to my dad's house, who then moved me back to my grandparents house, then I moved out on my own. Basically, they played the game of "I don't feel like dealing with you anymore so here, I'm passing that responsibility off to this person now"
Friend of mine did fostering and she used that chalkboard paint in the rooms so the kids could draw, and put a piece of sheet metal on the wall for magnets and artwork hanging etc. She said it helped them express their feelings any time they wanted in the privacy of their own room.
Hey I just got into your videos, and I really love how when you do these side by sides, you don't show the other foster parents in a bad light. Because a lot of them are really trying their best, but don't have the proper experience or awareness to get it right. You make it into a teachable moment and we honestly need more of that, especially in this area.
It helps that she freely admits that some of the "first time" vs. "experienced" content comes from looking with hindsight at her own experiences when she was new to fostering.
Thank you. I had a foster mom like you. She died two years ago. She was well loved by the many foster children she took in an called family. Her and her husband made the most impact to me.
The decals is an incredible idea!!! For rental units too, that would have been an awesome thing as a kid that moved a lot, to have been able to take my decals off the old wall and put them on the new walls for continuity 💛
my foster parent was a lot like this. she was so kind, and ill always be grateful for her being so comforting in such a terrible time❤️ she helped my sisters decorate their room with all kinds of harry potter things, and even kept it that way after we left. i hope other children can have foster parents as caring and understanding as this. it goes a long way.
As someone who came from an abusive household, I absolutely agree about not putting a kid on the spot. Often times, if asked if I liked something, I would agree out of fear of punishment.
I’m 18 and no where close to being a foster parent but this heals my inner child it’s so wholesome, I wish I had met people like you along my journey! But at least now I can see your amazing videos sharing your kindness
My friend always let her fosters pick the paint color for their rooms and allowed them to help her paint them if they were age appropriate. The kids really appreciated it.
The being excited is a HUGE thing, match their tone always, it’s important to remember that even the few times that kids actually want to leave their biological parents and homes and end up having a great time in foster care, it is still a ginormous trauma.
The kids that stay with you are so incredibly lucky to be placed with someone as caring and sensitive as you. Being in such an uncertain situation is probably so scary for them but if I was in their situation I would be glad to have you as my foster mom. You are truly helping these kids in ways you don’t even know. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
this is HUGE. my fiancé and his 3 brothers were in and out of foster homes. he watched this with me and praised you. he’s told me awful, terrifying stories that have brought me to actual tears about his experiences in foster homes. i’m thankful to see a foster parent like you who cares. xoxo
As a former foster child I only had 2 really good experiences with foster parents and I've had many I love seeing your videos to educate others keep it up 😁
I am currently on my 2nd day living in an institution at 15, and the way you handle dealing with the kid, giving them time, space and validation makes me really happy. Edit: not long has passed, and I feel pretty good. For anyone in a similar situation, believe me, it gets better.
I wish I had gone into foster care instead of the abuse i went through at home. Thank you for helping so many kids in need with genuine care, kindness, acceptance and love. All things I wish I had
REALLY LOVE THIS. An adult former foster youth, the first thing my foster mother said was “I lined your drawers…” and kept fussing over stupid details. I had never ever had lined drawers before and felt so out of water and traumatized. I will never ever forget it.
Never been in the foster care system as a child or parent but this was very helpful. I feel like parents in general can learn from this. Too many times kids will say yes because they're too scared they will disappoint the parents. I think another cool idea for some older kids would be those tack on magnetic posters. You can find them for just about any interest in music, anime, books, tv shows, etc.
I’ve worked with several foster kids and foster parents as a therapist. It was really an enlightening experience and I feel that foster parents often get a bum wrap. I’ve learned so much by attending adoptions, testifying in court for Parental Rights Termination and adoptions. The foster parents who adopted were wonderful and they go through so much to adopt and foster. In LA our court system tries very hard to shelter children when they have to go to court and testify. The Court had a special area for kids who have to testify against their parents. They had the sweetest “ support Poodle” in the room to comfort the kids. They also had age appropriate games, books and activities for them. The judge was very proud of these activities for these traumatized kids. An Occupational Therapist helped plan the area for them.
It's great you have these to assist parents who are also going through a big change and anxious about every choice they make for a kid they haven't yet gotten to know
I love this. As an adult getting out of an abusive relationship when i had the chance to choose toys for my baby and the first time I saw our new apartment i completely broke down crying. It was so overwhelming. It was not that i was not grateful, i was but it was just too much. I can't imagine that pressure on a child. I like how you present your video. Because the first parent is so kind and generous but she's expecting excitement and the child will likely be too overwhelmed and lost for that.
So you ever get attached to the children? I couldn't do this because I would get attached to every single child and my depression would skyrocket from witnessing children missing their parents or having a bad experience. Thank God for strong people like you who help home and comfort these children! ❤️❤️❤️❤️ God bless you!!!!!
I was in foster care and this would have been so lovely. Everything that is happening is out of your control. Being decided for you. It would have felt really good to be able to be in control or make decisions for yourself about a few things.
As a foster kid most of my childhood, i can agree this is true. This example is great. We get all types: ones all up in your business too soon, ones that have a system already set up and we’re expected to jump into it, ones its clear theyre only doing it for show, ones who give lose guidance, ones who over discipline etc etc
The amount of empathy had me nearly in tears. Giving the child a sense of control of their surroundings - the comforter, the decals - whew this hit home hard
I think what you’re doing WONDERFUL! Your lessons are probably giving a lot people the know how and confidence to open their home to children in need. A little different but years ago I left an emotional/financially abusive relationship to stay at a friends home. This is exactly how she treated us. I will forever be grateful our time there to decompress with out judgment and plenty of room to figure myself out.
I used to be put in foster with my sister, the lady who was taking care of me abused my sister even though she had kids of her own, when I found you I found out that you are a good person trying to help kids being put through foster, luckily me and my sister are now home an the lady lost her permit! I’m so glad your helping kids with rough times! ❤️
Generally they also seem to not be excited about new things either… Lots of homes don’t let them take anything with them when they leave, they also aren’t always used to having nice things and that is overwhelming. Let them explore the room on their own and destress. What I noticed growing up in a home where my bio parents were the foster parents is that amazing rooms can sometimes feel too good to be true and that upsets kids who are used to rapidly moving from foster home to foster home! Especially where the foster parents just do everything for show so social workers think they are great. We had so many kids come through our home that could not imagine the way we were and how we welcomed them into our home was for real…. Breaks your heart seeing that with practically every single child. 😢
Thank you so much to all the good foster parents I hear of so many children abused when they go through the system and ive met someone that was abused horrifically by their foster parent. Im glad you are giving them a chance at a normal life and giving them so much love
This is really great stuff. Tons of people forget that the child doesn’t want to be there with them the huge majority of the time and acting excited can be really frustrating for them. It’s so much better to let them know that you understand their feelings, explain what’s going on (in an age appropriate way and in a way so that they don’t worry more, something like “we don’t know how long you’ll be staying here, I know that everything is really chaotic right now but we are all trying our best to get you to a safe home” or something), let them figure things out for themselves. You can also leave lots of room for the kid to ask questions, lots of the time, kids are really worried about their siblings that were separated in the foster system, or about their parents, or they don’t know what’s going on and that can cause lots of stress, so things like “We’re trying really hard to get more visits with your siblings/parents/other family” can help to put them more at ease and put their needs first.
The only thing I would do differently is not mention what the last kid liked bc it may make the new child feel like you might want to keep it that way, that you loved them and that it’s that kid’s room. I would just say that it used to be this theme and if they like the walls great and they are no trouble to change up. I wouldn’t even mention the wall theme on the first intro to the room. I would just say you got things you hoped they like and then when they settle into the house maybe talk with them about what kind of colors and patterns they might like with maybe some Pinterest pics and ideas. You can always put up some frames which open and can have swapped out artwork and photos the kiddo might prefer. I am also wondering if you have a link to the ceiling light up projector you showed in another video. Your good intentions are felt and yet I tried to imagine the pain and fear and having to make a lot of change and decisions right away might be overload on any stressed or traumatized kid. One thing you can offer is some music options in their room and coloring or stuff they can do alone if they want or can do while staying a bit guarded. I see that it’s your job to make them comfy and draw them out but first day and night and first few days will just be them all overwhelmed and bottled up. You are doing a stellar job tho at modeling excellent caring loving intake and care. I did foster for very young kids and would put some toys out on the floor and sit down and show them the toys and play a little with them with the toys before signing papers for social worker to leave. It was short respite crisis nursery care tho for age birth to I think it was five and up to 72 hours only.
This woman is a God send never been a foster child but I appreciate the compassion that she has for these children and I pray that she is blessed to continue Gods work. Being a considerate decent human being isn’t that common anymore. ❤
When I was in foster care I didn’t give a crap about the space…at all ages. Just make sure we have access to everything we need. The worst experience I had was waiting a week to get supplies like deodorant, a brush, and more than 2 changes of clothes. I had to ask for a tampon and was only given one at a time, I was 11. She made it a big deal, having to go into her room. Even told me I was using too much, I can’t help my flow?? Lol. Honestly, just give space (physical & physically), let us cope, and provide what we need.
as the blood related child of a foster mom, i wish we'd had these videos to learn from, when we adopted my siblings. i admire my mom for trying her best but she was not at all equipped to handle the trauma that these children carried. sometimes i cant help but feel like my household only gave them more trauma to heal from and, i don't really know how to deal with that. i just wanted them to have a safe home. so, thank you for sharing your knowledge. this is so important.
I don't know how you do it. Foster parenting seems challenging, yet so rewarding. seeing that child somewhere safe and secure makes it all worth it. I want to do it, I wanna help children in need, but I don't think I could do it. Thank you for being so caring and loving for them ❤️ your the kind of person we need more of
this makes me cry. im not a foster kid but when I was a very young kid and expressed disappointment in something that was given to me I would be spanked and then sent to my room with no explanation or talk about it afterwards. this is so important
The last one I need to comment on, most kids would say no and just keep the rainbow wall even if they don’t like it to not inconvenience you of changing it. So a more around the bush question is more suitably like „I’ve been thinking of changing it is there a particular wallpaper that you like? I can show you the ones I have in storage right now and you can pick one out it’s no problem. But if you like the rainbow one of course it can stay“
As a child who was in foster care for six years of my life, this really would’ve helped. I was moved around a lot and I am part of a Native American tribe so there was more complications.
hearing the “underwater creatures” makes me really want to paint some fish on my walls. also im not in foster care, never was, but i really appreciate this insight!
Choices are a developmental building block for all children, not just those in foster care. Every parent foster or otherwise should give their children choices no matter the age. Of chores restrictions or “rules” to those choices are also important. Giving any kid at least two or three options allows them to not only build critical thinking and processing skills that they will build on and use for the rest of their lives but to practice independence as well as nurture their individuality and creativity.
It’s so lovely that you go out of your way to let them decorate their own room. I’m curious as to whether you do that for every child, or do you know ahead of time that some of the children that come to live with you may be there for longer periods of time? My sister is a foster parent. She’s single so we all went through the certification process so we could help her and be involved as well as babysit, etc so her younger foster kids never have had to be placed in daycare, but it never occurred to us to completely redecorate their room each time. I mean, her most recent child was with her for only 24 hours. We didn’t even get to meet her because she was gone so quickly. So I don’t even know how to go about redecorating a room each time, even though it’s such a beautiful and loving idea!
I'm not a foster parent or kid, but I'm guessing major room makeovers don't happen for at least a couple weeks because everything is so new, so it might be overwhelming, and you don't know how long the kid(s) will be with you. The decals are probably a good quick makeover cause you can quickly and easily put them up.
There are small things that could be incorporated that would make a difference even for short stays, like having a variety of cushions that the child can choose from to put on the bed (eg choose their favourite colour) or a few lampshades to swap out the main light for. One of the biggest ways to change the look of a bedroom is to change the duvet cover! Relatively easy and inexpensive compared to repainting and more lasting changes. I love her double sided cover! I guess you don't want to overwhelm kids with choices in these moments but give them something small to focus on and help them feel like their room is theirs, and that they're safe to have opinions and make small independent decisions.
This is perfect! One of my first couple of foster families was very new, had very small elementary kids as I was a pre-teen, the first week they took me to a store (I never was allowed to any) and asked me all of my preferences (chips, drinks, snacks, colors, etc.) which I was never asked before, and they introduced me to their whole family and tried telling me I was a part of theirs now. I had, and I am still working with my therapist now, PTSD and anxiety. It was extremely overwhelming, them asking my preference sent me in fight or flight mode and I immediately shut down for the day because I didn't understand and was scared, and meeting their whole family made me feel pressured and distressed. The foster family I stayed with for a few years and still keep in contact though I am independent, were extremely experienced. They showed me my room, the rooms in the house (safe rooms/quiet spaces, private areas, their room, rooms they were frequently in so I could immediately grab them, etc.), told me the times they ate food, any weekly routine activities, and let me stay in my room and reassured me of my privacy. Excellent parents.
If I ever adopted, I think I’d leave the room undecorated, and after they’d unpacked and “claimed” the room a little bit, perhaps after a couple days, I’d take some time off, if I wasn’t already, and take them shopping for decor, more clothes, new bedsheets they like, curtains, and maybe furniture like a desk and chair and lamp. Rather than guessing and hoping
Also something that might help them is to take them to a store and let them pick out a few things. Especially if you are fostering a teen that is very picky with the things they like. Which also help you get to know there style
I was fostered as a 9-year-old with a 6-year-old little brother (I'm now 25 and still treat them as my family). We we're actually having sleepovers 3 times in the new home before foster and got to know our rooms. Our foster parents asked for our fav colors and such and decorated our rooms with simple furniture with those colors. I don't remember much from the early days in the new family other than being exited to have a new home but my little brother took it much harder. But here we are living our lives today and being thankful we have a home and family!
as a child who grew up in foster care i never felt more safe and comfortable than when i was given my own room/space to use however i wanted and allowed to make it look and feel how i wanted. they even let me choose the wall and carpet colors and choose my own clothes (when i was only 4 years old). as a child on the spectrum these things were especially important to me!!
I like that she refers to the last child in the room, reinforcing that this situation is not strange. Hopefully the child understands that this lady knows what she’s doing. Also important that people understand that foster kids are often not happy to be in the foster home. We had a brother & sister who had been removed due to neglect - they never went to school and basically cared for themselves - they felt like they had been kidnapped. They were terrified of the police and CPS counselors since they were the ones who “took” them from their home. It’s so important to try to see things from the children’s perspective.
Far too young to foster or have kids but my therapist said I gotta reparent and comfort my inner child and this video felt like a nice hug so new sub o/
Your videos keep poping up, and as a Foster child they always make me tear up. I know what it's like to be a kid in that position, and your videos show so wonderfully how to handle a situation. You are a true blessing ❤
100% agree don't put a child on the spot asking if you they like something. Not a Foster kid myself but was and still am extremely anxious and would just agree for 'safety'. Don't want to compound an already stressful situation
The worst experience was usually it was a shared room with their bio or adopted child so the room was already "somebody else's" so even if you wanted to personalize it felt like you couldn't
Exactly. It's really tough being in a new environment with new smells and strange rooms. When I would be put in a new home the nice things in the home were the last things on my mind
Im not a foster kid but im also really anxious and people in hard situations being like the first part of the video is really not good
I'm a foster child. Saved myself from quite possibly the most toxic situation a child could experience. My mom didn't want me, everyday she'd make that clear with verbal and physical abuse. She was addict to meth and heroin and my dad was a one night stand who was a deadbeat alcoholic who forced me to drink alcohol at 7, practically held me down with a bottle of my throat and sexually abused me afterwards. birthdays were none, Christmas was unknown, even my birthday. We were broke a lot, hungry. How did they solve their money problems? They sold me around for money, my virginity was taken through rape, I was 12.
Anytime I wanted to find help, I was threatened with death. Poison, bashing my head in, hell even being shot on the spot. I was shut up for most of my life.
My p foster parents changed that all, slowly but not fully. I'm damaged but not broken.
@@elleanorjinner6965 I'm so sorry for all you had experience, I'm glad your foster parents changed your life for the better. No person should ever have to go through that. This is such a hard thing for children to go through, it's on foster parents to try to allievate these issues and not make it worse.
2 sided comforter is a small but brilliant call. May I mention, children coming from neglect often feel guilty about money spent on them, they have trouble asserting they don't like something. You really are foster parent goals, thank you for your sage advice.
OH on this note, remove price tags, unless it's something expensive enough to be worth returning if someone doesn't like it. Not just for foster kids, I never wanted to know what my parents might have spent, even if it was clearanced. (edit: i know nothing about fostering, so obviously if there's a rule about price tags, do that)
I was never really a Foster kid but I moved and live with my moms friends a lot since she couldn’t take care of me, no adoptions happened so I don’t think it counts as fostering but anyway, to this day as im almost an adult I still feel really bad when someone spends money on me and I don’t like it.
I bet they’d also be afraid their foster parents get mad at them like their biological parents did, probably going with the flow to not upset anyone. It may be hard for them to be honest when honesty would cause domestic violence.
@annistar9693that is so heartbreaking. As we know in an ideal world every child should feel loved and wanted . I use to work with children who didn’t get a lot of love or attention at home . They were absolutely lovely kids , and some of them I’ll never forget
Still do, honestly.
My three grandchildren got adopted by their wonderful foster parents!! I was sick and unable to take them when my daughter died. I was so worried!!! They now have a fantastic family!!! I couldn't dream of better parents for them and they keep me in their lives. I thank God daily that they were placed in this family.🙏🙏🙏
That's wonderful. I'm happy for you all. 🙏
I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter. How heart breaking.
I'm adopted and would hate it finding out I had REAL family 😡
@@maryburger1232 If the grandmother was too sick to give the children the life they deserved and now they have amazing people to take care of them and can still be in contact with their grandma, that's a win win situation, isn't it? Your feelings are valid tho and I hope you heal from whatever you need to.
@@maryburger1232 "Finding out"? I think they already know since they have contact with their grandma.
My mother was adopted but she always had contact with her biological parents and always knew. They were too poor to take care of her, so she understands it would be a hard life living with them. Her biological sister tho was adopted by other people and freaked out when they told her she was adopted bc they waited till she was almost an adult.
Fantastic!! TY 4 sharing that. Many of us worry about the grands should something happen.
This is the level of kindness I want to show and be shown in every day life.
Agree!!!❤
You found the words I couldn't out together. Thank you
That's what everyone deserves, to love and be loved.
This ❤❤❤ 💯
I really appreciate how you show the importance of facial expressions. Parents who are going through trauma but want to comfort their kids often exaggerate happy facial features and gestures to pretend like everything is ok. But they also do it to try and get the child to act happy and ok so the parent can feel better about the situation. So when a new caregiver presents really cheerful with big smiles and big energy, kids can feel that its not a safe moment and that this person might be just like their parents. Or that they might be expected to act happy like they did to soothe their parents. So being calm and “normal” can communicate so much more about this being a safe place where they can shut off some of their manual trauma responses.
Thank you for this comment. 💕
I disagree but only partially, if exaggerated gestures and facial expressions is very natural to you and just a part of how you communicate then it isn't a problem, what you should avoid doing is trying to act any particular way around the child, you should just be yourself and as natural as possible with them, if you look like you're acting it seems like you're hiding something or that you're trying to manipulate them or that you're trying to bait them into giving a certain response, it makes people distrustful and puts them on edge because it feels insincere. If you just act like yourself and talk to them like they're another person, and their identity and feelings and opinions and experiences are just as important as yours, they will respond much better and be much more trusting of you.
This is only somewhat true.. If you’re a person who’s outside of the trauma, (like a teacher or caretaker) it’s actually more helpful to smile often and talk in a cheerful tone to the child. Distraction is crucial as well. I work in a crisis nursery and if we matched the energy of our clients coming in- we’d be screaming and crying too! You have to balance between validating the child’s feelings, discussing them as much as they want and also using your disposition to set the mood of the moment. Children will follow your lead and a child can tell when and adult is covering up an emotion! Calm and happy is the way to go. A lot of the kids I work with don’t have an adult in their life who portrays consistent good moods and positivity, or someone who’s always willing to engage with them when they want. So when they find one, they’re immediately intrigued! I’m a naturally happy and goofy person most of the time but I also have a strong nurturing spirit and the children tend to gravitate towards me! Luckily for me, that foot of trust in the door is enough to make a big difference eventually
Absolutely. And perhaps less info about personalising their room that they may well hope they can leave next day. The reality they are not going home soon may be too much to process on day 1
Thank you a lot for your comment. I come from an abusive background where both my parents had been abused, too, and never got any therapy or even friends to talk and then coped in ways that lead to different but equally severe kinds of violence and neglect towards themselves and each other and traumatic experiences for me, but however, I've left them behind and am starting to rehabilitate myself and am always eager to learn and understand more about what has happened to me and what made me first think and feel the ways that I harbour until today (I am 26) even though they've adapted. Going back to see how the core of disorders, inner conflicts and other suffering has (probably/partly) formed has proven to be very helpful for me to come closer to leading a stable life. So I am very grateful for this insight of yours. I definitely found myself in this explanation and that means a lot for me. :)
I love the idea of the wall decals! What a fun and easy way to let the kids customize their space! I want to be a foster parent when I'm older so I've really enjoyed your videos and your ideas!
ty for watching!
The wall decals are genius! It's a lot of work to paint a room (and I know many foster parents do paint, no hate on that) but for an easy quick personalization the decals are totally the way to go!
@@foster.parenting - not everyone is financial enough to be a foster parent.
Part of life and learning.
I don't see that system that works for kids or adults.
The whole thing is a sham.
If a potential parent doesn't have a vehicle, they will be denied being a foster parent, yet in places like NY, it's ok if foster parents don't have a vehicle and they use the subway. 🤦🏼♀️
@@ilovenoodles7483 She didn't say that everyone is financially stable enough to be one though?
@@ilovenoodles7483 She even has a whole different video talking about how all the expenses needed to take care of foster kids aren't always covered, and you may have to pay out-of-pocket. So she definitely wasn't implying that everyone's in a financial situation to do so.
Not just foster parent goals but PARENTING goals in general!! Parents need to be more aware of their children's feelings.
AMEN !!! 🎉🎉😊❤
But parents would already be aware because they’ve known the kid since they were born, this is for meeting someone new during a crisis situation and having to stay in a strange place
And it's super ok and very natural, if the child is angry and Hates everything.
Just keep on loving them without smothering them and without expecting anything in return.
They did not choose to be with you.
They are allowed to be angry about it.
Indeed it's evidence of the pain and the projection in a safe space with understanding can promit healing
as someone who has been through foster care and had abusive foster parents, when they took me up to my room i was told i could not change it and aways had to keep it tidy, they even made me put on new sheets because they didn’t want me to have the ones i brought from my house. when a child is moved from a comfortable environment to one they’ve never been in before it can be extremely overwhelming and to not be able to have your safe space like your bedroom at home, is very unsettling
That's absolutely awful. Why did they not want you to use your own sheets???
@@sarinabina5487 they made it very clear i would not be going home, my mother didn’t love me and i didn’t deserve it. they were going to adopt me but thankfully my mother got me back. they wanted to isolate me, took away all of my electronics, couldn’t see any friend unless i cleaned the entire house (it was 3 stories + extremely cluttered)
@@desertsoull This sounds borderline abusive… those people should not have been foster parents. I’m glad you got reunited with your mom!
@@desertsoull Uhm did you tell your mother or social workers to report them? People like this should NOT be allowed to foster or adopt. Were they the religious fundies too by any chance??
@@alexreid1173 Doesn’t sound borderline abusive it is abusive. People like this shouldn’t be allowed to foster or adopt. They shouldn’t even be allowed biological children.
I love how this is framed as “new” vs “experienced.” It’s not that somebody is doing something “wrong” for which they need to be ashamed. But there are lessons learned and methods modified based on experience. It’s a gracious way to help well meaning people learn.
And that the 'new' is clearly well-meaning and well-intentioned
As a foster kid, this made me cry so much. Thankfully my parents (I consider my foster family to be my real family) welcomed me with open arms. When I met my foster mom for the first time, she kissed me on the head, I felt embarrassed like a daughter would be with her mom. That’s when I knew that they were my family. I first met my mom when I was in the mental hospital during visitation. When she left every one was talking about how she was such a cool mom, and I genuinely felt that. My parents had at least 30 kids before me, so they’re really experienced. I love them so much. I can’t ask for a better family.
P.S. I’m sorry to whoever didn’t and/ or doesn’t have a good foster home. There are really bad ones out there and I’m so terribly sorry. I’m here for you whenever you need.
I’m so glad they’ve treated you so well ❤ that’s wonderful
That's very nice to hear because we are hoping to do long-term foster care in the future. We are 27 and 29 years and have 0 experience in that so far but hearing your experience from childs perspective is encouraging. I have worked with kids from 0-10 years old in the past.
Can I just say that as someone who grew up in a miserable tumultuous household, these videos are so so therapeutic to watch and just knowing that there are loving and caring parents out there is such a balm to my soul
This is absolutely spot on! I'm a CPS Manager, and this perfectly describes some of the things foster parents do (with the best of intentions) that can cause anxiety for children who have recently been removed or changed placements. I'm glad you showed a better way for foster parents to introduce a child to their new room. Thank you for sharing this!
This unexpectedly reminded me of when I was 18 and was living in a shelter for older teens/young adults. The youth worker said some similar stuff about my room, and acknowledged that it might feel weird the first night. Very sweet ❤
yeah I had the same thing sort of said to me at 17 when I lived in a supported accomodation place for homeless older teens/young adults
Having spent a year of my childhood going to several foster homes, I would've loved them to act the way you suggested. No one was that way.
I'm sorry you didn't receive what you needed back when you needed it. Hope you are among the folks who find it healing to watch some of these videos. 🫂
😞
Showing them where extra blankets are/giving them options for when it’s too hot/cold is also helpful
You’re convincing me I could probably make this work. I have two extra bedrooms in my house, work for myself and fortunately have the resources. I have been hesitant because my mom was such an asshole and I’m afraid of treating a child anything like how she treated me. Maybe I could! Maybe.
Read the book parenting from the inside out by Daniel siegel it's about reparenting yourself to be a better parent. 10/10
Remember that there is no more perfect time to start than the present! If you think you're ready and your life is stable financially then I think you should get the training and go for it! It will be tough at first as you figure it out but as long as you put the child first I'm sure you'll do great!
Maybe it's a good idea to process your own experience in therapy first, if you haven't already.
Bad parents don't tend to worry about if they're being shitty or not so you're off to a good start
Parenting courses are super helpful! I know so many people who had amazing experiences going that route, since you can go into tough situations with almost pre-determined steps on how you want to handle it. But I believe you can do it!
Thank you for these not only are they helpful for obviously fostering children but today I’m feeling especially guilty for not responding to my abusive mother when she messages me and seeing your behavior on these and how a caring guardian acts is more reassurance as to why I keep her so distant. Sorry to vent on here but I’ve been feeling super super guilty about it even though I know I shouldn’t 😅
Honey, it’s okay to protect yourself. Especially when the people who were supposed to protect you didn’t. Deep breath and release that guilt!
@@amygregg1658 thank you so much, truly 💞
You made that choice for a reason!!! You are so strong for maintaining that boundary. Keep it up. Sending internet hugs 🫂 ❤
Just want to validate: that guilt is a normal feeling. You're not bad or weak for experiencing that guilt. But it's also good that you choose to let go of the guilt, because ultimately that guilt is not warranted, and it isn't going to serve you. Keep going, you're doing great 🙂
Sweetheart, it's ok, I promise. She should feel guilty for what she put you through. You don't ever have to feel guilty for her. If she didn't have the time to be a good parent for you, you don't have to make time for her. Your welcome to vent whenever you want 😊 and don't let anyone tell you otherwise
As a former foster child I teared up watching this. You’re out here doing the lords work with these videos. Thank you
I wasn't TECHNICALLY a foster kid, but my family bounced me from house to house from about the time I was 14/15 until I was 18. Watching your videos have been incredibly relatable and has helped me understand some of my own emotions.
Was it that you moved a lot or that they were divorced and had shared custody? I dont know what your case is but that seems hard to do as a child too.
@@Hi-wz9wc more or less, CPS gave custody to my grandparents, then my dad ended up getting out of jail, my grandparents decided they didn't wanna deal with me no more, moved me to my dad's house, then he moved me back with with my grandparents, which then moved me to my uncle's house, which then moved me to my aunt's house, who then moved me back to my grandparents house, who then moved me back to my dad's house, who then moved me back to my grandparents house, then I moved out on my own. Basically, they played the game of "I don't feel like dealing with you anymore so here, I'm passing that responsibility off to this person now"
Friend of mine did fostering and she used that chalkboard paint in the rooms so the kids could draw, and put a piece of sheet metal on the wall for magnets and artwork hanging etc. She said it helped them express their feelings any time they wanted in the privacy of their own room.
Hey I just got into your videos, and I really love how when you do these side by sides, you don't show the other foster parents in a bad light. Because a lot of them are really trying their best, but don't have the proper experience or awareness to get it right. You make it into a teachable moment and we honestly need more of that, especially in this area.
It helps that she freely admits that some of the "first time" vs. "experienced" content comes from looking with hindsight at her own experiences when she was new to fostering.
Thank you. I had a foster mom like you. She died two years ago. She was well loved by the many foster children she took in an called family. Her and her husband made the most impact to me.
The decals is an incredible idea!!! For rental units too, that would have been an awesome thing as a kid that moved a lot, to have been able to take my decals off the old wall and put them on the new walls for continuity 💛
Good idea, but most decals for this purpose I've seen aren't reusable.
@@imzadi83fanvids7 you could always get the sticky window ones
@@msjkramey Will they work on walls?
@@imzadi83fanvids7 no, but they work on tiles. So if they're young enough to get bath time, they could play with them there
I am endlessly impressed with how you always put the child and their perspective first. Wow. ❤
I agree. That is true selflessness 💖
my foster parent was a lot like this. she was so kind, and ill always be grateful for her being so comforting in such a terrible time❤️ she helped my sisters decorate their room with all kinds of harry potter things, and even kept it that way after we left. i hope other children can have foster parents as caring and understanding as this. it goes a long way.
As someone who came from an abusive household, I absolutely agree about not putting a kid on the spot. Often times, if asked if I liked something, I would agree out of fear of punishment.
I’m 18 and no where close to being a foster parent but this heals my inner child it’s so wholesome, I wish I had met people like you along my journey! But at least now I can see your amazing videos sharing your kindness
My friend always let her fosters pick the paint color for their rooms and allowed them to help her paint them if they were age appropriate. The kids really appreciated it.
The being excited is a HUGE thing, match their tone always, it’s important to remember that even the few times that kids actually want to leave their biological parents and homes and end up having a great time in foster care, it is still a ginormous trauma.
The kids that stay with you are so incredibly lucky to be placed with someone as caring and sensitive as you. Being in such an uncertain situation is probably so scary for them but if I was in their situation I would be glad to have you as my foster mom. You are truly helping these kids in ways you don’t even know. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
If no one has told you recently you're doing a really great job, and changing lives 🎉❤ you're an earth angel 😇💗
this is HUGE. my fiancé and his 3 brothers were in and out of foster homes. he watched this with me and praised you. he’s told me awful, terrifying stories that have brought me to actual tears about his experiences in foster homes. i’m thankful to see a foster parent like you who cares. xoxo
As a former foster child I only had 2 really good experiences with foster parents and I've had many I love seeing your videos to educate others keep it up 😁
I am currently on my 2nd day living in an institution at 15, and the way you handle dealing with the kid, giving them time, space and validation makes me really happy.
Edit: not long has passed, and I feel pretty good. For anyone in a similar situation, believe me, it gets better.
I hope you're doing well now ❤
Are you doing better now?
Are you okay now?
I wish I had gone into foster care instead of the abuse i went through at home. Thank you for helping so many kids in need with genuine care, kindness, acceptance and love. All things I wish I had
My mom taught me that it takes a special heart to foster or adopt children.
It takes an even more special heart to teach others how to do it.
REALLY LOVE THIS. An adult former foster youth, the first thing my foster mother said was “I lined your drawers…” and kept fussing over stupid details. I had never ever had lined drawers before and felt so out of water and traumatized. I will never ever forget it.
Never been in the foster care system as a child or parent but this was very helpful. I feel like parents in general can learn from this. Too many times kids will say yes because they're too scared they will disappoint the parents.
I think another cool idea for some older kids would be those tack on magnetic posters. You can find them for just about any interest in music, anime, books, tv shows, etc.
I’ve worked with several foster kids and foster parents as a therapist. It was really an enlightening experience and I feel that foster parents often get a bum wrap. I’ve learned so much by attending adoptions, testifying in court for Parental Rights Termination and adoptions. The foster parents who adopted were wonderful and they go through so much to adopt and foster. In LA our court system tries very hard to shelter children when they have to go to court and testify. The Court had a special area for kids who have to testify against their parents. They had the sweetest “ support Poodle” in the room to comfort the kids. They also had age appropriate games, books and activities for them. The judge was very proud of these activities for these traumatized kids. An Occupational Therapist helped plan the area for them.
It's great you have these to assist parents who are also going through a big change and anxious about every choice they make for a kid they haven't yet gotten to know
I love this. As an adult getting out of an abusive relationship when i had the chance to choose toys for my baby and the first time I saw our new apartment i completely broke down crying. It was so overwhelming. It was not that i was not grateful, i was but it was just too much. I can't imagine that pressure on a child. I like how you present your video. Because the first parent is so kind and generous but she's expecting excitement and the child will likely be too overwhelmed and lost for that.
So you ever get attached to the children? I couldn't do this because I would get attached to every single child and my depression would skyrocket from witnessing children missing their parents or having a bad experience. Thank God for strong people like you who help home and comfort these children! ❤️❤️❤️❤️ God bless you!!!!!
Making space for their emotions and not making them responsible for your own is exactly what they need. Love this so much.
I was in foster care and this would have been so lovely.
Everything that is happening is out of your control. Being decided for you.
It would have felt really good to be able to be in control or make decisions for yourself about a few things.
As a foster kid most of my childhood, i can agree this is true. This example is great.
We get all types: ones all up in your business too soon, ones that have a system already set up and we’re expected to jump into it, ones its clear theyre only doing it for show, ones who give lose guidance, ones who over discipline etc etc
I think you’re such an extraordinary woman. You’re so wise and thoughtful.
The amount of empathy had me nearly in tears. Giving the child a sense of control of their surroundings - the comforter, the decals - whew this hit home hard
Immediately subscribed. I’m 21 and grew out of the system and your videos make me feel so safe ❤
I think what you’re doing WONDERFUL!
Your lessons are probably giving a lot people the know how and confidence to open their home to children in need.
A little different but years ago I left an emotional/financially abusive relationship to stay at a friends home. This is exactly how she treated us. I will forever be grateful our time there to decompress with out judgment and plenty of room to figure myself out.
I’m so happy to know there are people like you in this world 🙏🏻❤️
I used to be put in foster with my sister, the lady who was taking care of me abused my sister even though she had kids of her own, when I found you I found out that you are a good person trying to help kids being put through foster, luckily me and my sister are now home an the lady lost her permit! I’m so glad your helping kids with rough times! ❤️
You’re an angel!
my mom fostered. A tough thing to do, i don't think i could do it, but i saw first hand how many lives she helped. Kids need a safe space
Generally they also seem to not be excited about new things either… Lots of homes don’t let them take anything with them when they leave, they also aren’t always used to having nice things and that is overwhelming. Let them explore the room on their own and destress. What I noticed growing up in a home where my bio parents were the foster parents is that amazing rooms can sometimes feel too good to be true and that upsets kids who are used to rapidly moving from foster home to foster home! Especially where the foster parents just do everything for show so social workers think they are great. We had so many kids come through our home that could not imagine the way we were and how we welcomed them into our home was for real…. Breaks your heart seeing that with practically every single child. 😢
"The last kid who stayed here.."
As the child, I'd feel like I'd never find a forever home. Always moving.
I love and admire this woman so much. She's the real mvp!!
Thank you so much to all the good foster parents I hear of so many children abused when they go through the system and ive met someone that was abused horrifically by their foster parent. Im glad you are giving them a chance at a normal life and giving them so much love
In the beginning the frog squish mellow was squashed between the bed and the side table- just wanted to point that out for no reason whatsoever lol
haha good eyes! you will always find a mistake in my videos or a typo - i do my best! :)
lol the frog is giving “this is fine” meme vibes
They’re not mistakes, they’re Easter eggs!
I don't understand what your point is
@@tag_u_rit i don't have one
This is really great stuff. Tons of people forget that the child doesn’t want to be there with them the huge majority of the time and acting excited can be really frustrating for them. It’s so much better to let them know that you understand their feelings, explain what’s going on (in an age appropriate way and in a way so that they don’t worry more, something like “we don’t know how long you’ll be staying here, I know that everything is really chaotic right now but we are all trying our best to get you to a safe home” or something), let them figure things out for themselves. You can also leave lots of room for the kid to ask questions, lots of the time, kids are really worried about their siblings that were separated in the foster system, or about their parents, or they don’t know what’s going on and that can cause lots of stress, so things like “We’re trying really hard to get more visits with your siblings/parents/other family” can help to put them more at ease and put their needs first.
Yes, I do want to go see. Show me the underwater creatures, please and thank you. ♥️
Giving options and providing them quick ways to start making the space their own is such a big deal and makes all the difference ❤
The only thing I would do differently is not mention what the last kid liked bc it may make the new child feel like you might want to keep it that way, that you loved them and that it’s that kid’s room. I would just say that it used to be this theme and if they like the walls great and they are no trouble to change up. I wouldn’t even mention the wall theme on the first intro to the room. I would just say you got things you hoped they like and then when they settle into the house maybe talk with them about what kind of colors and patterns they might like with maybe some Pinterest pics and ideas. You can always put up some frames which open and can have swapped out artwork and photos the kiddo might prefer.
I am also wondering if you have a link to the ceiling light up projector you showed in another video. Your good intentions are felt and yet I tried to imagine the pain and fear and having to make a lot of change and decisions right away might be overload on any stressed or traumatized kid.
One thing you can offer is some music options in their room and coloring or stuff they can do alone if they want or can do while staying a bit guarded. I see that it’s your job to make them comfy and draw them out but first day and night and first few days will just be them all overwhelmed and bottled up. You are doing a stellar job tho at modeling excellent caring loving intake and care. I did foster for very young kids and would put some toys out on the floor and sit down and show them the toys and play a little with them with the toys before signing papers for social worker to leave. It was short respite crisis nursery care tho for age birth to I think it was five and up to 72 hours only.
This woman is a God send never been a foster child but I appreciate the compassion that she has for these children and I pray that she is blessed to continue Gods work. Being a considerate decent human being isn’t that common anymore. ❤
When I was in foster care I didn’t give a crap about the space…at all ages. Just make sure we have access to everything we need. The worst experience I had was waiting a week to get supplies like deodorant, a brush, and more than 2 changes of clothes. I had to ask for a tampon and was only given one at a time, I was 11. She made it a big deal, having to go into her room. Even told me I was using too much, I can’t help my flow?? Lol. Honestly, just give space (physical & physically), let us cope, and provide what we need.
That sounds like neglect
as the blood related child of a foster mom, i wish we'd had these videos to learn from, when we adopted my siblings. i admire my mom for trying her best but she was not at all equipped to handle the trauma that these children carried. sometimes i cant help but feel like my household only gave them more trauma to heal from and, i don't really know how to deal with that. i just wanted them to have a safe home.
so, thank you for sharing your knowledge.
this is so important.
I don't know how you do it. Foster parenting seems challenging, yet so rewarding. seeing that child somewhere safe and secure makes it all worth it. I want to do it, I wanna help children in need, but I don't think I could do it. Thank you for being so caring and loving for them ❤️ your the kind of person we need more of
This lady always makes me smile when I see how she handles situations like this. More people need to be like this woman!!
Thanks for doing more of these vids!! ❤️
this makes me cry. im not a foster kid but when I was a very young kid and expressed disappointment in something that was given to me I would be spanked and then sent to my room with no explanation or talk about it afterwards. this is so important
The last one I need to comment on, most kids would say no and just keep the rainbow wall even if they don’t like it to not inconvenience you of changing it. So a more around the bush question is more suitably like „I’ve been thinking of changing it is there a particular wallpaper that you like? I can show you the ones I have in storage right now and you can pick one out it’s no problem. But if you like the rainbow one of course it can stay“
You kill it every single time!! Working with foster kids with trauma, I love seeing all your tips they’re extremely helpful.
As a child who was in foster care for six years of my life, this really would’ve helped. I was moved around a lot and I am part of a Native American tribe so there was more complications.
hearing the “underwater creatures” makes me really want to paint some fish on my walls. also im not in foster care, never was, but i really appreciate this insight!
Okay unrelated but I love that ghost peace sign shirt 💘👻
I love these. I am not a foster child or parent but I love that you honor the trauma that these kiddos experience 💕.
Choices are a developmental building block for all children, not just those in foster care. Every parent foster or otherwise should give their children choices no matter the age. Of chores restrictions or “rules” to those choices are also important. Giving any kid at least two or three options allows them to not only build critical thinking and processing skills that they will build on and use for the rest of their lives but to practice independence as well as nurture their individuality and creativity.
People don't owe you gratefulness. The best love comes naturally!
It’s so lovely that you go out of your way to let them decorate their own room. I’m curious as to whether you do that for every child, or do you know ahead of time that some of the children that come to live with you may be there for longer periods of time? My sister is a foster parent. She’s single so we all went through the certification process so we could help her and be involved as well as babysit, etc so her younger foster kids never have had to be placed in daycare, but it never occurred to us to completely redecorate their room each time. I mean, her most recent child was with her for only 24 hours. We didn’t even get to meet her because she was gone so quickly. So I don’t even know how to go about redecorating a room each time, even though it’s such a beautiful and loving idea!
I'm not a foster parent or kid, but I'm guessing major room makeovers don't happen for at least a couple weeks because everything is so new, so it might be overwhelming, and you don't know how long the kid(s) will be with you. The decals are probably a good quick makeover cause you can quickly and easily put them up.
There are small things that could be incorporated that would make a difference even for short stays, like having a variety of cushions that the child can choose from to put on the bed (eg choose their favourite colour) or a few lampshades to swap out the main light for. One of the biggest ways to change the look of a bedroom is to change the duvet cover! Relatively easy and inexpensive compared to repainting and more lasting changes. I love her double sided cover! I guess you don't want to overwhelm kids with choices in these moments but give them something small to focus on and help them feel like their room is theirs, and that they're safe to have opinions and make small independent decisions.
This is perfect! One of my first couple of foster families was very new, had very small elementary kids as I was a pre-teen, the first week they took me to a store (I never was allowed to any) and asked me all of my preferences (chips, drinks, snacks, colors, etc.) which I was never asked before, and they introduced me to their whole family and tried telling me I was a part of theirs now. I had, and I am still working with my therapist now, PTSD and anxiety. It was extremely overwhelming, them asking my preference sent me in fight or flight mode and I immediately shut down for the day because I didn't understand and was scared, and meeting their whole family made me feel pressured and distressed.
The foster family I stayed with for a few years and still keep in contact though I am independent, were extremely experienced. They showed me my room, the rooms in the house (safe rooms/quiet spaces, private areas, their room, rooms they were frequently in so I could immediately grab them, etc.), told me the times they ate food, any weekly routine activities, and let me stay in my room and reassured me of my privacy. Excellent parents.
If I ever adopted, I think I’d leave the room undecorated, and after they’d unpacked and “claimed” the room a little bit, perhaps after a couple days, I’d take some time off, if I wasn’t already, and take them shopping for decor, more clothes, new bedsheets they like, curtains, and maybe furniture like a desk and chair and lamp. Rather than guessing and hoping
Laura says that kids prefer a decorated room that's changed later.
Aw wish all of my foster parents to were this understanding. ❤😊
Also something that might help them is to take them to a store and let them pick out a few things. Especially if you are fostering a teen that is very picky with the things they like. Which also help you get to know there style
I was fostered as a 9-year-old with a 6-year-old little brother (I'm now 25 and still treat them as my family). We we're actually having sleepovers 3 times in the new home before foster and got to know our rooms. Our foster parents asked for our fav colors and such and decorated our rooms with simple furniture with those colors. I don't remember much from the early days in the new family other than being exited to have a new home but my little brother took it much harder. But here we are living our lives today and being thankful we have a home and family!
Being dropped of to a foster care house is traumatizing): i remember not wanting to bathe.
You seem so kind. Wish all parents would be like you. You’re amazing ❤❤
Maybe add some age appropriate books as well
as a child who grew up in foster care i never felt more safe and comfortable than when i was given my own room/space to use however i wanted and allowed to make it look and feel how i wanted. they even let me choose the wall and carpet colors and choose my own clothes (when i was only 4 years old). as a child on the spectrum these things were especially important to me!!
How do you deal with children that are trans?
The level of compassion you possess is so admirable. It's really touching to see.❤
I like that she refers to the last child in the room, reinforcing that this situation is not strange. Hopefully the child understands that this lady knows what she’s doing.
Also important that people understand that foster kids are often not happy to be in the foster home. We had a brother & sister who had been removed due to neglect - they never went to school and basically cared for themselves - they felt like they had been kidnapped. They were terrified of the police and CPS counselors since they were the ones who “took” them from their home. It’s so important to try to see things from the children’s perspective.
A site like this, is what makes social media a wonder. You're a blessing.
Love this, even for your own kids. Choice and control is 👌
I love this woman. She's so nice. She makes me cry every time I see one of her videos.
This is emotional intelligence and helping for all the right reasons
So precious and caring. Makes me wanna cry! How completely thoughtful
Oh goodness, the last thing a child needs when they've been taken from their parents is to feel like they have to protect another adult's feelings.
Honestly ur so great. This is ur true calling. I love that you deal with difficult situations head-on but with a positive vibe.
Far too young to foster or have kids but my therapist said I gotta reparent and comfort my inner child and this video felt like a nice hug so new sub o/
Your videos keep poping up, and as a Foster child they always make me tear up. I know what it's like to be a kid in that position, and your videos show so wonderfully how to handle a situation. You are a true blessing ❤