The Secret World of Temper Tantrums
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- Опубликовано: 5 май 2021
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Temper tantrums are more complex than just a toddler's unbridled rage. And recent research into what toddlers are thinking and feeling can help us better support kids’ healthy development!
Hosted by: Anthony Brown
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Sources:
pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21707...
doi.org/10.1111/j.1745-7599.2...
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Images:
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When my daughter and I were shopping, there was a little kid having a meltdown on the floor. My daughter asked me "what is wrong with that kid? I explained that he was having a tough time, as we walked past, my daughter told him "sorry you're having a tough time, try a nap...tomorrow will be better " his mom was biting her lips to not laugh. Positive vibes from New Hampshire and remember to be kind to each other and yourself during this pandemic and social crisis
You’re doing parenting right!! How sweet is that?!
@@Kalaydascope my girl is 25 now and is still an empathic human...can't wait to see her as a mother...no timeline for when, I'm not pressuring them...but yeah I will be over the moon...already decided to be Granny Tam.
That is so sweet 😄
When my daughter had tantrums, I'd just get on the floor with her, gently but firmly hold her arms so she wouldn't flail them at me or hurt herself, and I'd rock her a little and quietly say to her over and over again "It's OK, Mommy's here, I love you" and keep repeating that. After awhile she would get quieter (so she could hear me) and she'd stop struggling so much (worn out??) and I'd loosen my arms. When she was done I was barely holding her, and she'd take a deep breath, exhale, then she would turn around and give me a big hug, say Thank you Mommy, and she'd run off and play.
@@recoveringsoul755 good job, Mamma...from another mother, lol.
I feel like a good part of this video is just the history of science discovering that toddlers are in fact people
I'm still not convinced
Tiny psychos with no criminal liability ... so more like rich people then.
There is just too much empirical evidence to suggest otherwise...
They all get exchanged back by aliens at the age of 25.
Quite a few people apparently did not get the memo. Many of which are, unfortunately, parents.
A person with an undeveloped precortex that cannot control their emotions, so not really.
I work as a daycare teacher and can say that it definitely helps keeping a calm head when dealing with tantrums.
I've always been the toddler whisperer of the family. My little cousins always loved me because when they were sad, they'd always come to me. I have a soft voice and I gave lots of hugs.
@whesley hynes -_-
@@griseldaflores6362 Don't make eye contact. Eye contact validates the crazy.
@whesley hynes Some people are torturing animals for fun, some kill for fun whereas others kill animals to bring food to. Getting rid of psychology or any other science for that matter wouldn't solve anything because human beings like other predatory animals have evolved to enjoy violence as it played an important role in our survival. Killing meant surviving and surviving meant you had to kill, if you didn't you would either die of starvation or be eaten by another starving animal. People will stop killing animals and each other when those that possess the genes that encode for sadism disappear from our DNA, but that is unlikely to happen because our reproductive strategies and methods of how we choose partners has not evolved into anything that would allow the non-violent males to breed with females with significant advantage over others. Quite the opposite is true, females prefer strength and social status over kindheartedness with some exception of course. Many other traits both behavioral and physiological are seen as subordinate unless they are beneficial to them or their offspring in terms of survival and well-being.
Why do you think people suffer from anxiety, depression and other mental disorders, its because our evolutionary development does not disappear over few generations of civilized life style.
@@HexIsme Maybe whesley is a Scientologist. His attitude matches the mentality of that cult's antipathy towards real science.
I commend the researched that had to sit down and analyze 1300 sounds of screaming toddlers.
There's no way I'd be able to handle that.
Exactly my thought. I can't even stand one crying child around me.
They probably worked very very very short shifts
they likely had their interns do it lol
computer*
What about the tantrums of adults we see on social media these days?
With an Anxiety Disorder, you too can experience multiple conflicting emotions at once! Get yours now!
can't you do that normally too?
And if you buy it right now you'll also get depression, but wait theres more...
Does it come with ADHD?
@@Echo81Rumple83 indeed it does and if you're lucky maybe an eating disorder too!!
@@slightlysaltyslug8972 Our patent-pending Depression system helps you get a break from all the intense fears of anxiety by giving you days where you feel nothing at all! That's right, a complete void, with nothing but thoughts of your own inadequacy!
Problem is a lot of parents didn’t develop healthy emotional control themselves. So they flip out when the kids flip out. And then we’re all flipping out.
Emotions are contagious!
Just @ me next time 😞
Also, parents are also human and sometimes tired, stressed out, hungry (or all of the above), so yeah... sometimes we also flip out and make it worst :P
I get upset as my don throws a tantrum because i feel helpless to help him due to not knowing what's wrong. I hate feeling inadequate and my son brings out how inadequate I am as a mom
Yea- Gosh wasnt I surprised in disbelief when my daughter about a year and a half was having a tough moment. I remained calm present reassure supportive give her time to get back to normal sort of thing, but also present was her very oddly disruptive much older grandmother carrying on like Id never seen an adult do. My daughter was screaming with upset and the grandmother would turn to look at my daughter, then frown at her as if frightened herself by the child, then the woman would shreik out loud in her own distressed scream as if SHE was having a meltdown having to see a child upset. The woman kept doing it and was literally screaming louder than my child, like the woman was in despair! (Why?) ( Not able to be supportive nor calm at all. The womans conduct was having the impact of keeping a distress loop going on for a while as my daughter continued reacting with upset by the Grandmothers screaming or umm what do you call that? Her own meltdown, drama, tantrum? Id never seen an adult do that. My daughter did calm down eventually but it was much longer than it had to be. We were in a car, and I could not just walk away from the woman with my child to help things calm down sooner.
I'm just wondering what scientist was able to contain a child in a CT scanner while it was having a temper tantrum.
My thoughts exactly 🤣
2 zip ties, some tape for a gag, a snickers bar to lure them in close, and good upper body strength.
I want to know who can analyze the audio of 24 tantrums without going insane.
@@jasonreed7522 I guess (and hope) they just looked at a spectrogram for that cause I know I'd go mad if I had to actually listen to that
Lol... Yeah once you tape them down- I mean... The screaming just starts
I always love the way that science eventually validates simply being kind and emotionally connected to other people
Yes
Agreed!
It makes me sad sometimes though cause I feel like everything sciemce figures out with a lot of money and research are the things that mothers and grandmothers have said for centuries.
@@TheFren True. It's amazing to me that we apparently "need" science to tell us things that we can just as well discover if we use empathy and common sense. And, in turn, how "scientific findings" can spread destructive advice like splashing your child with water or feeding them only every four hours and "sleep training" newborns. 😞
You’re right. I’m glad too that everything in time converges into empathy.
At 16 months our son started having emotions so powerful he would throw up. He's 21 months now and we've had the most success by being calm ourselves, holding him, distracting him by asking questions ("what's that?") getting him to identify things around the room, getting him to count to 10 and take a deep breath.
It's a parent's job to walk their child through difficult emotions. But if you have parents that don't know how to regulate their own emotions, then you end up with adults that throw tantrums. Our children are a reflection of us.
I hate it but you’re not wrong at all
This kind of one-up-manship really is not helpful to parents or toddlers. Toddlers throwing tantrums is part of a developmental stage. What is important is not that your child never throws a tantrum, but how you CALMLY deal with it and support them in learning how to deal with the emotions they feel, so that they will learn how to manage it themselves as their prefrontal cortex continues to mature.
This, I like this comment, speaks many words
Adults that throw "tantrums" more than likely have mental health issues, and children throw tantrum regardless of what healthy adaptive behavior they've been shown
I’ve been seeing a lot of Karen videos, no offense. This explains a lot.
Baby nod at the end lifted my spirits.
5:48
It was so sweet!!! 😍🥰 I loved it!
Just so cute ❤️❤️❤️
Yes! My favorite part!
My parents would always respond to tantrums or any negative emotions with “I’ll give you something to cry about if you don’t knock it off”. Now they wonder why their adult kids aren’t close to them because we could never express to them that we were upset :,)
And this is why most boomers are destined to die in aged care homes. They totally alienated their kids because they were just doing what their parents did.
I literally remember that from my childhood, and it was not even in English:(
I can tell you for sure that splashing cold water on a kid having a temper tantrum will lead to an even worse temper tantrum
Why would it? If I was frustrated I wouldn’t want to be frustrated and cold and overwhelmed.
But is it really a "tantrum" if the anger is fully justified?
Yeah that's an extreme approach. Closest to that I ever did to my kid was blow in her face, and that was to get her to breath cuz she was crying so hard she forgot to inhale.
@@lmc689 mood
That, or in my case with a cold shower the shock is so big that you have trouble breathing and all your energy goes to that.
If you think about it, toddlers haven’t been experiencing things on this planet for that long, only 2 to 4 years worth. The rest of us have had 20 or 40 or 80 years worth of life experiences, so there is such a constant barrage of new info for a toddler to process. That’s gotta be intense, even if we don’t realize it is.
Lauren Conrad, totally. I was the one person, at a daycare several years ago, who could calm a particular 4 year old, at the time. No one else could. It turned out it was due to the fact that I was his favorite 'teacher'. Any time he had one, I would simply stand there and tell him that, "When you are done, we can work out the problem." And if he was in the intense hitting part, I would gently but firmly hold his shoulders and just wait for him to be done, with a genuinely understanding though bored face. Worked every time. And like 5 minutes later, he be happy and chill like it never happened. I also had my share of impatience with little kids having temper tantrums.
I was just discussing this with a
neighbor today. We remember being ages 2-4 very intensely, things seemed so vivid!
It’s like when people get mad at teenagers for how they express their emotions. That’s the first time dealing with real adult situations like breakups, bullying, self esteem, things that adults have a few decades of dealing with. When are we as a society just going to start treating kids and teens like people
My son had “rages”, as we called them. He would turn over furniture, throw things and hit is head in the floor. He was never diagnosed with a mood disorder. I took him to a quiet place if we were in a store or something. I spoke to him soothingly and asked him to use his words to help me understand what was wrong. They become less and less. He’s 20 years old now, never been violent, and has a lot of control over his emotions.
This is great advice ! Will follow this model with my 2 year old . Thank you 🙏
Caregivers knowing about the strong emotions is important, yes. Also knowing about the conditions more likely to evoke a tantrum: hungry, tired, overstimulated, and unable to speak/communicate one's needs.
I would throw them pretty much exclusively for attention, since I was neglected. Some kids just need a pat on the head.
In my opinion, the inability to express their feelings play a major part.
Research has shown that even grown-ups with a limited vocabulary, whether it’s due to lower IQ or less education, tend to be more angry. They will feel less in control of their lives. That’s what right wing media and politicians tap into to draw people in.
@@yeetghostrat Yep. Two of my cousins are growing up like this. They learned to throw tantrums to immediately get their way since their parents spoil them on the material side but don't give a lot of emotional and general attention/education when they need it.
YES!!! dont take your young child out somewhere at meal time and expect them to not have a tantrum... they are hungry and likely tried (say if they are due for their daily nap around that time.
Right!
I always remember an observation about tantrums that I was given when my kids were toddlers: They are also afraid. Afraid of these completely overwhelming feelings that are surging.
It may seem crazy, but sometimes the babies themselves are scared by their own tantrum. They are being battered by their own emotions, and don't yet have any ability to regulate them. Emotional self-control is still completely beyond their capability at this point.
I've seen that look of panic in my kids' faces when they were mid-tantrum. Like, "Help! I don't know what's happening right now, and I don't know how to stop it!"
Thanks I was just thinking that the research is not yet finished and that the emotions are probably even more complex.
I am not sure I outgrew this behavior but to be fair am autistic, but I can tell you when I had tantrums when I was younger and when I have meltdowns now, it's always because I'm extremely overwhelmed. Also, anger and sadness are very very similar. I get angry because something made me extremely sad and was unfair, and I get sad because something to made me upset and angey
euck *angry
You are not the only adult that continues to have tantrums into adulthood, and I don't think it's strictly an autism thing... though I have discovered recently that autism is commonly missed in high functioning individuals, so who knows.
emotional overwhelming happens under stress when the tiniest frustration being the proverbial straw that sends you into floods.
it also the sterotypical being so happy you're overwhelmed and again starts to cry, as depicted in the equally stereotypical weddings
I was just reading about autism and one source basically described us as bizarrely mature toddlers. Specifically that there's a neural pruning that happens around the age of 2 that doesn't happen for those on the spectrum. I can't say I can remember many times when I've noticed that I had a meltdown, but I'm pretty sure that an event that happened a few weeks ago was one.
Hey Emily, everyone has meltdowns. As a parent of a special needs child, I get that there are differences in sensory processing for you. But I want you to remember everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes.
Especially nowadays because we are barraged with information all the time. Just try to take deep breaths or use your other coping skills.
This video gave me a better insight as to why I had such a terrible, traumatic childhood. I was a screamer. I would throw the worst temper tantrums, and I remember my parents making it worse. When I threw these violent tantrums, it escalated to me throwing physical objects, which triggered my father to beat, kick, and pin me to the floor. ... That did not make me calm down. I screamed louder, and my sister would laugh at me and film me crying while this went on.
That sucks
That would quite obviously just exacerbate the problem until someone burned out.
God, I'm so sorry you endure that. It's vile human behaviour, sounds like what my nieces went through. Auntie always kicked their dad's ass and calm them down afterwards when it would happen around me though. Love always wins 🕊💕💪
I'm so sorry that happened. It is never right to do that to a child.
@Neiot I'm trans and when it really started manifesting in response to casually enforced gender-segregated activities in 1st grade in the midwest in the 80s, my signs of distress were punished and drugged involuntarily with a maximum dosage of ritalin from ages 6-12y.o. and I basically don't remember those years so well, which is crazy because my memory is like a lockbox now, nothing gets out. I was even given it just before bed, which is insane as ritalin is a stimulant. When I was drugged, I was so highstrung I would just sit there and not do anything else, stress-overload seems to be the main mode of action for stimulant meds on most children. I don't remember this, but my mother said I would have "tantrums" (i.e. panic attacks) when it wore off or when she found out I skipped a dose in primary school (k-5), she told me later that I would tell her "I don't want to take the zombie drug anymore". I eventually had to quite secretly after trying to get support from my parents in the 6th grade to do so, I still didn't understand my gender issues, but I knew taking drugs wasn't helping. I now have all my IEP-documents from k-12 (individualised education program). In my IEP for freshmen year of highschool, my honours biology teacher notes that I seem more "focused" after going to the school nurse to take a dose - which I always flushed down the toilet - my take, I wasn't scared that I'd be caught after it was flushed, so I could relax. Nobody would help me and society, my school system, my parents and teachers were all equally and fully responsible. Personal responsibility matters. I still feel like my mind was raped, that I had my childhood taken from me - consent is important. I suffer from complex post-traumatic stress as a result.
The upside, my parents and various teachers have apologised to me, my mother helped advocate for the end of teacher-complicit casual prescribing and beginning to treat the child as a cognizant stakeholder in prescribing-decisions (the primary one) in our school system where she also worked for 40 years as an SLP (speech and language pathologist). She noted that she stopped seeing as many panic attacks when the number of her students on these kinds of meds went down.
If your child is having trouble learning, even if it's not due to gender-distress, just remember that the classroom is not a natural learning environment and is radically new to the social order, it serves many people but not all. I know there aren't always good solutions, but the problem with things like attentional capacities is that they are diverse and most such children just need a different learning environment, where research shows they have the potential to benefit even more than if they were on drugs.
What Neiot's and my abuse have in common, is trying to break children into impossible shapes to ease adults' lives - doing it by force - instead of trying to understand, to dig deep, and help.
Neiot, thanks for having the courage to share, I don't think I would have if you hadn't.
Imagine being a toddler and feeling distressed and crying and your parents throw cold water on you. This is so horrible but so funny.
The short pause in a tantrum, blank face, then continuing the tantrum.
This would be funny if parents didn't actually just do this.
@@glacierwolf2155 that's all I can picture is the "aaaaahhhh: *splash* *gasp* *wtf face* *deep breath* AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH
The key is to let them cry and ignore it.
Later you come with a big hug, making a coping mechanism and the feeling of secure
I've experienced far, far worse..
I see you're training a future Sci Show presenter.
When I worked in daycare, most of the teachers didn't understand toddler tantrums, not did they want to deal with them. They'd say things like, "No crying" and "You're okay."
I know a father who would tell his daughter “you’re ugly when you cry” expecting that to fix things. Yep, that will work.
@@IJustWantToUseMyName It actually might work, it is a way of telling the child that there is nothing to cry about although indirectly. It might not work for every child but children aren't stupid and they know you don't really mean what you said but rather informing their unreasonable response to the situation. Things like this also may provide the child with a effective strategy of coping with insults directed at them from their peers as they will come to understand that not all insults are meant to be serious.
@@bjarnestronstrup9122 saying abusive things to kids is NOT ok. They’re not stupid but that doesn’t mean you can say “you’re ugly when you cry” and assure yourself they know you don’t mean it. That’s absurd
@@bjarnestronstrup9122 So what about the children for whom it doesn’t work? What does it teach them? A frustrated child who already can’t process isn’t going to be able to suddenly process their annoyed parent insulting them. That daughter is now an adult and I can assure you she did not develop superior coping skills from that form of parenting.
@@IJustWantToUseMyName There is a whole gallery of things that contribute towards development of good coping skills, you cannot just assume this was the turning point of where everything was ruined or that it played major role in the child's development. In order for this to have an significant impact on the child's ability to cope with stress, it would have to be combined with a parent that is generally incapable of encouraging the child when they behave appropriately and when they accomplish something. Additionally when the parent is unpleasant to be around and to seek advise from and the child has no body else who could explain to them why some things are the way they are the child starts to keep problems secret and overtime develop unhealthy coping skills. It is true that insulting your child when they are upset may contribute to general mistrust towards the parent but that is heavily dependent on other aspects of their surrounding environment and the parents' ability to provide guidance and strategies to interpret things in the environment.
What a cutie! It’s imperative that we, as adults, treat our kids the way we wish we had been treated growing up in order to stop the seeming never ending cycle of anger and frustration directed at them. We, as a species, will greatly benefit from a more calm environment and may learn a thing or two in the process!
One problem society has is not distinguishing between meltdowns and temper-tantrums. What you're describing are meltdowns. They are not for attention, and and treating them like an attempt at manipulation just leads to kids feeling helpless. Sometimes kids DO throw tantrums to attempt to manipulate adults into doing what they want (according to my parents, I would sometimes stop screaming and look around to see if anybody was watching, lol), but most of the time, it is beyond their control, and they need help to calm down, not punishment or neglect. This goes for all ages too, not just toddlers, but obviously meltdowns are the most common in toddlers.
Also, that kid is so freaking cute
Looking around to see if watched shouldn't be equated to manipulation. For wanting attention obviously, but we're social animals, attention from others, especially as kids is essential to us. So it's pretty sad that adults/parents are interpreting this as if it was some nefarious intent. Why is a need for attention be seen as less than any other emotional needs?
Agreed.
Thanks, I'm not a kid person at all, but it drives me nuts when I see parents being horrible to their tiny children who are having emotional meltdowns. I really hope this helps people understand that children are literally developing people and everything is a lot harder mentally for them. I'm also horrified at "splash them with water without their consent." Do we recommend people do that to an angry adult????
Some adults need water splashed on them, with how immature people are in my generation
I definitely would spash cold water on an angry person, regardless of consequence lol
Not every angry person and not to calm them down, but to break up a brawl of several angry most likely intoxicated adults.
Please lets do thst to angry adults! Imagine the scene at a Restaurant: "waiter! There is a fly in my salad! I am really upset as there already was a hair in my soup and you brought me a sprite instead of a coke" *waiter splashes water* "oh thank you dear, feeling much better, after all, the fly makes a great snack and the hair was probably mine and sprite is much better than coke. Here take this extra tip"
you can tell you dont have kids. with the bs "without thier consent" comments. asking your kids to take a bath is not optional
1000% the single most useful video on parenting I've found on the internet.
You’re probably not subscribed to sprouts
This is still a great video
There was a post on a science Facebook page recently about studies which show that spankings and other forms of hitting often lead to problems later in the child's life. Not only did all the "I was spanked/hit/beaten and I turned out fine!" people come out to complain in the comments, but there were people saying things like "Kids these days need to be hit more, they're whiny brats". It made me so hopeless for humanity. Can you imagine being a child, feeling overwhelmed by your own anger and sadness, and the response to that being physical pain inflicted by your own family? (I mean, I can... my dad did it to me one time when I was a kid, and to this day, 22 years later, I still remember that traumatic experience.)
So related note to this video: don't hit your kids, and don't advocate for other parents to hit their kids!
Thank you. I was spanked as punishment as a child. I learned to fear being hit by an angry man. I would have developed that fear without the early previews.
I like the response to those people, "If you want to hit a little kid, you did not, in fact, turn out fine."
Whenever I misbehaved I was punished by being fed chilli peppers and sometimes actual lit candles.
To this day, spicy foods and fire are things I am afraid of.
So overall, I'd say my childhood was filled with fun and joyous memories.
Yes
Still hate belts.
My daughter is 15. By the time she was 4 months old, I could recognize her cries and know what she wanted/needed. Freaked her dad out
THE BABY!!
I hope growing up with a parent that understands mental health can give him a better life than what I'm dealing with
when my baby sister has a tantrum i try to calm her down by taking deep breaths with her. the other day i was in a rush to leave the house while she was crying because she had to come inside, and i got a little frustrated because she refused to try to breathe with me, and since i was stressed out and needed to leave, i just walked away and she started crying harder. staying calm and letting them know that they’re your priority is important, because they notice
I'm surprised most people don't remember how it felt to have a tantrum. Emotions would cascade like a turbulant river breaking through a dam and "people trying to be comforting" always creeped me out and made me frightened on top of the tantrum. Calm and assertive was always reassuring to me.
I only remember because my tantrums were involuntary meltdowns caused by a neurodevelopmental disorder that I'm now diagnosed with, and my mom yelled at me causing me to have them when I was like 12. My long term memory sucks, though.
I really just needed to be left alone to calm down in peace (and a diagnosis)
Lmao my mom would just yell at me when I had a tantrum... and then put me in the shower fully clothed and turned the shower on super cold.... suffice to say I raged on for a long time
Like, can you imagine being really upset and just needing to vent a bit and your SO doing this to you to "help you calm down"?! Protip: if it would be the *opposite* of helpful and just make the situation *way* worse for an adult, it probably will do the same with a kid, sheesh.
Your mom was abusive. Sorry to hear this
I advocate the shower method. But not the way your mother did it.
I had it done to me as a hysterical pre teen, but the carer was calm and explained what they were doing and why, that it wasn't punishment and I wasn't in trouble, I was hysterical. It wasn't cold water. If I'd resisted they wouldn't have forced me.
I used it this weekend with my toddler with her first meltdown. She'd worked herself up until she'd wet herself, was even more hysterical at being covered in her own urine but couldn't calm down to let me change her. So I very calmly got both of us,fully clothed, into a nice warm, calming shower until she was able to settle down. She asked to stay in the shower for a further 15 minutes and got out of her own choosing very calmly later on.
@@amiibrooke5373 Warm showers (by one's choice) are a fantastic, magical place :)
I was dragged into a cold shower to stop a tantrum when I was small. I remember feeling like I was drowning as the cold water hit my face. I stopped yelling because I couldn't breathe. It was over 60 years ago, and I've never forgotten that feeling.
How tired or hungry a kid is at the time of the meltdown is another thing to consider. Among my little relatives, the late afternoon hours are prime times for a meltdown to occur. We call it “cranky-time”. Fatigue and hunger are both biological states that make it even more difficult to cope with external stress. So a child who has no difficulty using words in the morning to convey frustration might go into full meltdown over the exact same frustration when tired or hungry. Context is important. But calmness in the face of the meltdown by the adult is imperative.
Yup. We called those hours, particularly from about 4-6 p.m. the "witching hours" because your kid could be fine for most of the day, but come 4:00, and you were trying to get dinner on the table, and meltdowns would happen.
This reminds me of a kid I was taking care of he had a tantrum at supermarket n instead of saying something I saw a milk crate n sat down n started thinking about my problems n I guess got sad cause the kid stopped his tantrum came over n hugged me n said don't worry ill get u an ice-cream lol made my day he never had another tantrum .
My tactic when my daughter would throw a rage tantrum was to look at her intently drawing her gaze and saying "That's a pretty song you're singing. Can I sing too?" Then I'd screw up my face and wail, stop, look at her as if picking up new queues and screw my face up and wail again. After a couple of turns doing that I'd see her start to crack a bit of a grin. Then she'd either start to laugh or she'd put more into the rage to get back at me but she almost always ended up laughing.
I never had tantrums as a toddler. Those didn't kick in until my teens.
probably they were panic attacks, panic attacks can manifest in projected anger. Basically the anger is a mask for the underlying distress and anxious state.
Yeah anger often comes from despair, don't get pissed at kids for having a tantrum. That's just bad behavior. You're not going to make it any better if you're getting mad at an already very distraught kid
I'm almost 70 and can still remember a meltdown on my third birthday when I was forced to pose with my cake for a picture. As best as I can explain, it felt like the camera was going to "steal" some private, vital, part of me and I was terrified and so angry they betrayed me. And I got my ass smacked on top of it! Being a kid is confusing. As a parent I tried to be understanding of the frustration, but also not let them just spin out of control. Constructive distraction based on knowledge of the child is a useful initial intervention. As silly as it sounds, with one kid I would play their favorite music louder than the noise they were making.... and the other I'd whisper and point to something imaginary. Once I could shift their focus and defuse the moment, it was a lot easier to move on.
I am sorry you were physically abused, I think people don't realise it's not about the degree of violence so much as the violation of consent and weilding of violence to solve problems. Terrible behaviors to model for a child. But it was considered so normal for so long. I grew up in the 80s in the US (where hitting kids is still legal in 19 states) and it was a similar story. I've talked to my mom who is about your age about it. Her mom gave it to her even worse, she know believes that she convinced herself it was normal and just didn't want to see her mother as flawed, but we are all flawed and we all make mistakes. She apologised to me. I wish she could have had that from her mother too. My grandmother was abused by my great grandfather who raped my great grandmother who was forced to marry him when she became pregnant. Looking at all that history, I feel like my mom and I made progress. I've broken the cycle. Families are generational work.
I now live in a country where it is illegal to corporally punish children - maybe society is waking up. The last time I saw a tourist hitting a kid in public, I looked him in the eye, told him what he is doing is illegal here and then looked the kid in the eyes and said "whatever you did or didn't do, you never deserve to be hit"
In all international research to-date something like ((at least)) 1 in 5 kids develop behavioural and emotional problems from that kind of punishment.
Edit: thank you for sharing, this is such a therapeutic thread of commetns today!
i'm very curious to see how the emotions adults assign to a child's tantrums could affect the child's understanding of their own emotions down the line. like, if an adult tells a toddler that they are feeling angry during a tantrum, will the child associate all of the emotions they're feeling in that moment with anger? how does that affect the child's ability to articulate their emotions as an adult?
Thats a great question
Exactly. Feelings are just feelings. When the thinking part of the brain labels the feeling with a name or a story, it turns the feeling into an emotion. So the exact emotion depends more on the thoughts surrounding the feeling than the feeling itself. Since a child has an immature thinking ability, often adults end up assigning labels to the child’s feelings for them.
The best way to prevent a feeling from causing dysfunction, either physical, mental, or behavioral, is to refrain from labeling it. Instead learn how to just let the feeling be there and run it’s natural course. Children are supposed to learn this ability via mimicking their care givers (mirror neurons?). The trouble is most adults never learned how to do this, so they can’t pass the skill on to their children. Several native cultures never lost this skill, and their children never have tantrums.
Got me thinking how we would be so much better if we didn't associate anger with physical demonstrations of destruction (towards people or objects). Or any sort of violence, really, even verbal.
@@julian5742 trust me, i wish more people could show frustration without also showing anger, violence, and throwing a tantrum.
Trust me, nothing stops someone from learning anything faster than getting frustrated, saying "I'm stupid", giving up and basically having a tantrum instead of just patiently working through the problem until they understand it fully. (Especially when I am helping them, it really makes me want to just walk away)
I was beaten whenever I showed a strong emotion as a kid.
So now I bottle my emotions up and hide, call in sick to work etc on days I feel like I'm going to be susceptible to having a meltdown. I am working on therapy to learn how to feel and understand my own emotions. Right now, it's pretty common for me to cry or yell but not even realise I'm upset.
My daughter is the most wonderful mother, ever. My granddaughter rarely has tantrums but, when she does, my daughter stays calm, gets down to my granddaughter's level and encourages her to show or, if possible, use her words to show what upsets her. She then corrects the problem or promises that the child can resolve the problem later. Since she always follows through, my granddaughter calms down, knowing she will be taken care of.
Although the video specifies children, I'd wager this also applies to people with a condition that affects the amygdala. As an adult with ADHD, when my emotional overloads happen I don't throw toddler-type temper tantrums - but that's only because other parts of my brain have matured enough to recognize that's not a good idea, so instead it gets expressed in words. And the emotional experience is absolutely like being flung repeatedly from anger to sadness, back and forth. It's exhausting.
So, yeah. Good video. 👍🍍
Ah came here to leave a similar comment. Hi fellow adhd er!
Autism and adhd here and I still have meltdowns, but typically what triggers it has to be a lot more severe nowadays. Last one I remember having was finding out I was kicked out of college for failing orgo 1 twice, not "me no get toy"
i am an adult and capable of regulating my emotions, and sometimes i have crying fits that i cant stop (working on healing through some severe abuse as a child / teen / young adult) and my therapist just said let it out, keep going, so i feel like i can totally empathize with the toddlers , and remain calm when i have toddlers of my own because i understand what its like
Me too. I do lots of grounding exercises and have a really understanding partner. Breaking the cycles is life-affirming. Nobody is perfect but I bet you'll be a great parent with that attitude. Solidarity!
I absolutely agree! I found a book entitled, Scream Free Parenting when my children were little. This completely changed my thinking and parenting. KEEP CALM and teach your children with loving and patient reactions.
It still floors me that most people grow to experience emotions one at a time. I can't remember the last time I experienced a single emotion. Most toddler "tantrums" are emotional meltdowns from sensoriemotional overwhelm, and it's NOT safe to assume that just because someone is older they are being manipulative if they experience meltdowns, either. I remember my last true temper tantrum, where I was PRIMARILY angry and WAS trying to get my way. I was 5.
Thanks, I had "tantrums" from a C-PTSD and I honestly experienced nothing different from those toddlers described here.
5:47
He's like ''Yeah, I've seen daddy cry multiple times too''
It's shameful af but as a grown ass adult I still have tantrums/meltdowns when I'm too overwhelmed
Yeah, honestly same.
It isn’t shameful. It’s just how things are. No different than needing eyeglasses or hearing aids or whatever.
When my older daughter was a tot, she pitched a fit because I wouldn't let her play with the VCR. She was sitting and screaming, with our cat sitting in front of her, watching. Finally, Diesel reached out a paw and smacked her. Instant silence. And a look of incredulity.
I think our furballs understand us more than they let on or we care to admit. xD
This actually helps now that I have my 1 year old. Its so weird that I understand my nephew so well but when I had my own kid I just suddenly forgot
You get super tired and distracted when it's your kid. Keep trying to empathize and understand them, it's worth it!
it's amazing that they thought it was anger, because I remember tantrums as a kid and sometimes it was very sad, or frustrated that I couldn't communicate what I was thinking and that other people couldn't understand it.
I used to throw tantrums as a child. My mother went with the "throw cold water on them" theory. I don't blame her, she was just trying to do what was in the most recent "how to raise a child" guide. My grandmother went with the "laugh at them" theory. I gotta say, between the two methods here, the one my grandmother used had the worst effect on me, making me feel helpless and unworthy and not valued. This worked against me for a long, long time.
It's a lot different if they get you to laugh at yourself. My dad put me in front of a mirror and tried imitating my face with me. He got me to think that I was making funny faces, so I'd subconsciously start laughing
@@hebercluff1665 This didn't then and wouldn't now work for me. In my child's mind, I would see this as not taking me seriously, making fun of me, humiliating me. As a child, I was very aware of how small I was compared to the adults around me. If there was something wrong in my life, the only ones who could help me with this were the big people. And if they thought my concerns were laughable, it would ... and did.. wound me deeply.
I can't imagine your experience. I did have the experience of laughing when they laughed at me and feeling out of control ... as if by making me laugh, they took control of my feelings. I never found myself funny in situations where I was trying to get someone to listen to me and understand.
Bottom line is: Not everyone is going to respond in the same way. It's best to know your child before you laugh at them.
@@lifecloud2 totally understand dude. We just had different insecurities to be mindful of. You thought the adults weren't taking you seriously. I never had that problem - probably because I had a lot of siblings and cousins my age that I could relate to. Also a lot of siblings just a few years older than me, do they could take my problems more seriously AND be more mature about it.
My problem is that I'm a naturally prideful person. What I needed at the time was to learn to not take myself seriously.
@@hebercluff1665 I was often told not to take myself so seriously when I was a child ... in fact, into my 20s! But telling my child self not to take myself so seriously made very little sense to me. This was up there with all the other questions and directions I heard as a kid: "Do you want a spanking?" and "Don't be in such a hurry to grow up." Sorry but I had no reference point to these sorts of questions and statements ... I had no idea what to actually DO to realize what I was told here. What does it mean to a child ... or even a young adult ... to "take myself seriously"?
I spent a good deal of time trying to figure out what the world expected of me. Now I realize I needed to recognize my own value as a human being in a world of other human beings and that human beings have emotions: frustrations, sadness, anger, joy, happiness, etc. I figured out that these emotions are the way we discover the "as is" of experiences. It wasn't a matter of stopping myself from feeling, but of understanding what I was feeling and learning to control my expression of it.
Maybe other children figure all this out with these trite blanket statements, but I never could.
Several years ago I taught a Creative Writing class to kids 12 to 15 years old. One day we talked about attention. To a kid that young, "attention" might be something that they do without understanding what they're doing. How can a teacher accuse a kid that young of not paying attention when the kid has no idea what this actually means. I suggested that we try an experiment. I asked them to place their attentions on their right foot. I said "Do this by focusing on how your foot feels right now. When you do this, you move your attention to it." (it was a bit more of an explanation but that's basically it) I loved watching their little faces as they did this.
But this is the type of explanation I needed as a kid. If some adult advised me not to take things so seriously, I needed them to explain to me that taking things seriously involves giving certain actions priority over others. It involves thinking that some action is more important and then adding worry to it. When a child learns to worry, that child becomes serious. And in the process of becoming overly serious, he/she can be understood to be "growing up in a hurry" since this type of seriousness is usually what adults experience.
And I believe this involves giving the child more attention than simply brushing him/her off with platitudes and slogans and things parents learn from their own childhoods ... adopting these things without actually thinking about them.
As a toddler teacher, I live this everyday. lol.
Offering a child who is upset some cold water to drink is helpful. This works well as they start to come out of the tantrum. Few things bring comfort to the end of a tantrum than redirection, cold water, and reassurance.
Pausing on my way to text this to my bestie whose kid is about to turn 2 so I can say YOUR KID IS SO CUTE! That SMILE!!!
I'd like to imagine some poor scientists having to sit there and hear multiple toddlers having a tantrum
That kind of situation is why my spouse didn't want to have kids.
Here's a couple of pro tips: Never promise something to your child that you cannot fulfill.
If you do end up promising something, Just fulfill that promise at the exact date you promised.
Both of these, will make you wanna thank me many years later.
Right..Say what you mean, mean what you say. I follow this with adults too. As a people pleaser I learned this the hard way. Life is easier this way.
the other reason to stay calm is to think of this from the child's perspective, her/his emotions are overwhelming and it feels like the end of the world then the child looks at the adults in the room and either gets adults who look like actually this is OK and they know how to deal with/fix this overwhelming problem, or he/she gets adults who are screaming too like they also believe this problem is the end of the world.
That kid looks like he has no clue what’s going on but he’s happy it’s going on. The head nod at the end was soooo stinkin cute
Save yourself the 6 minutes watching this video .. key message .. stay calm when toddler kicking off
You guys should continue doing shows on raising children. There are some really good books out there that highlight some of the good studies over the past few decades as well as some of the really bad studies that were influenced by conflicts of interest. It turns out that western culture is really bad at raising kids.
@whesley hynes ah, you're racist as well
Unsurprising
Have you read Nutureschock? it covers developmental psychology studies results that are shaking result to "common wisdom"
@@geraldgrenier8132 I read mostly peer-reviewed research myself. Systemic and meta-analyses are the gold standards. None of which Nurtureshock is based off of. Nurtureshock is a highly selective text, suffering from the worst of confirmation biases that makes wildly false, skewed, or innacurate claims about developmental psychology as well as policy standards that don't hold up to scrutiny against the research. It's a well-written "cultur war" book, not a scientific text. The title alone is hilarious clickbait to any scientist, nature/nurture is a false dichotomy and only really a part of pop-psychology. I wish scientists would focus more on the public communication of their research, that's the only reason books like Nurtureshock can exist.
Edit: I don't judge, we all suffer from confirmation bias from time to time and often in the realms of knowledge we are not experts in. I remember for the longest time as a young athiest (I believe in compassion) thinking, wrongly, that religious folk must be crazy, because it seemed like nonsense to me. I am still an athiest, but I know now that we all believe things that seem crazy to someone else, it only matters that we don't dictate others lives where our personal untestable beliefs differ. I am even a big fan of learning about other faiths. JC is always welcome in my home as long as he isn't cursing any fig trees, I love fig trees, that was his only mistake!
The Western society is perfect at raising children if your goal is to create imbalanced insecure needy adults that fill their inner emptyness with consumable goods. You can sell them so much more useless stuff! (Apologies for the cynism)
My favourite comment of the year, "western culture is really bad at raising kids." I 100% agree. I love seeing how other cultures raise their children and already have learned a lot from that. Also glad there's growing awareness in western culture, like RIE / Respectful Parenting.
I learned from my daughter (in just a few months) about emotions and human relations than I did in years studying Psychology at university
Yesterday my sister sent me a video of her 1.5 y/o twins crying and screaming because they fought over a crumb on the floor. 😅 My sister worked at a daycare for 3 years before having twins and I learn so much from her. She keeps calm and knows exactly when to comfort her kids or when they were just being over dramatic. 😁
My mother dragged me into a cold shower to stop a temper tantrum. I thought I was being drowned, and it terrified me. I am 65 now, and have never forgotten the feeling of gasping and breathing in water. This was the early sixtes, and she was a psychologist with a masters degree and not a bad person, just overwhelmed and following the wisdom of the time.
Thanks to Blinkist for sponsoring this episode. The first 100 people to go to blinkist.com/scishow are going to get unlimited access for 1 week to try it out. You’ll also get 25% off if you want the full membership.
Show this those who say Beat their🐴
Many parents worry when their children scream in public because they are afraid of disturbing others. So they try to get them to stop as soon as possible. And this not always is the best choice.
Removing the child from the place (=going outside) can help though. Change of scenery can get rid of what made them overwhelmed in the first place.
My kid loves cats etc. So whenever they are about to meltdown I distract them by suddenly saying: “oh look there’s a cat” and make a great charade of having seen one. Works every time.
Don't you think the distraction is not good? I mean, they are not learning anything about their emotions if we keep distract them whenever they feel something whether it's sad or angry or upset.... We are supposed to embrace what they feel and help them to overcome it, not like escape from it.... I guess...
One of the best SciShow Psych videos ever. Well researched, practical, fun, humanizing, well delivered, with a toddler. Congratulations!
My youngest started having tantrums about the age of 7 years ago and still has them. My Mother still has them, since I have known her, that means that I had to take her disruptive behavior as young child myself.
Ditto. My mom is bipolar and although he's never gotten a diagnosis I'd be willing to bet a kidney that my dad has histrionic personality disorder. Sometimes the tiniest things can send either of them into a toddler like tantrum. By age 10 or 12 I had a better ability to control my emotions then them and by age 15 I was more of an adult then them.
Case in point: today my dad had a meltdown because I took his dog with me to work (I do this sometimes because he never walks her), I picked her up at 10 but there was still a little food in her bowl from breakfast. He threw a fit when i got back, smacked the dog, stomped around the room (as in literally stomping his feet in circles), and then yelled that I'd have to pay her vet bill next time. Because the dog didnt eat about 5% of her food.
@@arthas640 If he hit the dog that's animal abuse. Get that poor dog out of there!
@@amicableenmity9820 ya, but, the dog is what keeps them calm at times. Help them have abit less amount of tantrums and to diffuser them quicker.
A really useful episode, thanks SciShow Psych! Also, it was lovely seeing Anthony being extra passionate :-)
So that viral good dad vid of the guy taking his baby girl to sit in the parking lot until she calmed down was doing exactly the right thing!
My parents did that too, they always took us out of a building to calm us.
I remember being a toddler, seems odd, I know, but we moved a lot, so there were break ups in the scenery. My tantrums were over frustration in my hands not being as agile as grown ups and fear.
The cold water thing reminds me of that scene from The Producers:
"I'm WET! I'm HYSTERICAL and I'm WET!!"
I only had like one full on temper tantrum as a kid. I'm always confused by why children have them. My parents stayed calm, and my mom would ask what was wrong and try to help me solve the issue or find another focus.
Aside from your parents kicking unbelievable ass on that front.
Trauma, and...
This world is intentionally not built for everyone, so that it can be optimised for those with power and authority. :(
I use songs from Daniel tiger’s neighborhood to help communicate with my 2 yr old about emotions like anger, frustration, and sadness. They are really good and easy to remember. They even tell kids what to do like counting to calm down, asking for help, and sadness is ok but little by little it will get better.
The best thing about this video? All the support in the comments. Wonderful show of compassion.
Me for first 15 second: Aww, I miss Brit.
Me at 0:16 : Baby!!!! Brit never brings a baby. This is fine.
But for real... this was a good episode. Keep up the good work, all! ❤
Clearly, you've never seen Sweet Baby Jane (Brit's cat, she makes appearances on Brit's twitter and Nature League videos).
@@AlthenaLuna I will need to check that out 😀
I'm 19 weeks pregnant and videos like this are amazing. Please keep helping my psychology brain be a better parent.
I disrupted many tantrums by getting down on their level and joining them in the fit...tears usually turned to laughter and we then would discuss what was frustrating them so much..it helps to keep a sense of humor, without appearing to laugh at them.The boys are both grown now,and we still laugh about Mom joining them in walmart having a tantrum..
Excellent info on Helping toddlers learn to manage their emotions. Too often adults get annoyed and frustrated and this escalates the situation. Understanding your child is what parenting is all about.
One of my favourite SciShow Psych episodes ever.
Anthony was absolutely glowing and his joy came across sincerely :)
Fascinating and makes so much sense when considering the function of Mirror Neurons in particular! Would love to see one on the function of crying in newborns!
It can also be explained, having an emotional anchor nearby when you're overwhelmed provides a sense of security that you can rebuild your control on.
It's really, really important that you give young kids as many words as possible to express what they are feeling. Even if their brains can't understand their own feelings yet, and need your help navigating their feelings, they're not ever going to understand them if they don't know the right words for how to express themselves. Teach your kids what emotions feel like and what they look like from the youngest age possible, and when their brains are developed enough to get it, they 100% will
This is tricky when the child has a speech or language delay. You can teach them those words but they won't be able to use them.
What a wonderfully concise description of temper tantrums. You manage very well to condense not only the pulp of the description excellently but to also convey the information with heart. You have great presence and disposition. And your son! What a honey.
I'm so glad I won't have to deal with this.
Fantastic speaker!
@whesley hynes You using a bot to make all of these, or are you just despondent and trying to vent? I guarantee you that this isn't the most effective way of expressing your feelings.
just lay down next to the toddler and make yourself comfortable. the kid will see how calm and cozy you are and then chill. if it doesnt chill pat it slowly on its back. if it still screams just wait until it is over. thats my best option.
What helped me when I was a child was when I had a tantrum my mom would hold me in her arms and it calmed me right down. She would often sing to me and I would join in. This lasted longer past toddler stage though because I have autism, around 8 or 9 I think. It was harder to regulate my emotions. I’m an adult though and improving every year in various ways.
"The strong desire to disturb,destroy, annoy or annihilate " due to a underdeveloped prefrontal cortex found in toddlers. Based on my family I don't think toddlers have a monopoly on this behavior.
Singing calmly usually works for me. ...and sometimes nothing works at all, and you just maintain untill it runs it's course. I saw another video where the dad would mimic their crying (not mockingly) and then tell them it's their turn, and repeated until the child didn't want to do it anymore.
The best way at handling tantrums:
1. Isolate them from the activity.
2. Stay with them by being calm but do not give attention to the tantrum. If it is really bad (you can redirect them but only on a neutral activity, not something that is rewarding)
3. Wait, this usually takes quite sometime.
4. Once they quiet down, praise them for calming down and talk to them about the problem.
5. If it is a bad behaviour - give consequence (make sure you tell them why)
If it is communication issues, get them to communicate nicely and appropriately before giving them what they want.
My advice, if you always give in to their tantrum, you will raise them up badly. Always teach them to communicate effectively. Use marshmallow experiment to teach them to wait for things, not constantly seeking for instant gratification. Best ages to teach is 2-4 years old.
you can start to teach grounding exercises as they get older with conflict play (role-playing). conflict play is a really useful tool to simulate and solve problems.
Thanks , I have a little grandson who is 1 .. I needed this . ❤️❤️❤️❤️🙏🏻
My daughter on the floor of the grocery store screaming wild tantrum while I leaned on my elbow gazing patiently at the wall.... a stranger told me I was doing the right thing. I needed to hear it. Thank you again random stranger all those years ago
I have Autism. We call them "Melt Down's"
I needed this! I do I pretty good job keeping calm with my nugget for the most part. But it’s always reassuring to hear that tantrums are normal and will get better over time. I’ve got a 19m old and one on the way, so my days of tantrums are just beginning! Thank you for the info!
Staying calm and open. I've seen parents be calm and detached... and that just makes the tantrum go longer...
What is the science behind an adult doing that same temper tantrum? I have a lot of friends in retail and food service that would like that answer.
@whesley hynes That's not true. The best results come from torturing humans. Look at all the things we learned from German experiments in WWII. Animals don't have a prefrontal cortex anyway.
@@joebaumgart1146 I have no idea what you‘re talking about because their comment is gone now, but you’re definitely wrong about animals not having a prefrontal cortex. All mammals have one, it’s just that humans have larger ones
@@blue1584 yeah I learned that later. Mins afterwards. That's why I love the internet!
I can't believe science is only figuring this out now. Jegus
Right, like, just the fact the everyone has been a toddler should be enough for us to know, we weren't just crying out of anger, it was usually sadness too ??? I thought this was so obvious
The observation with frequency and volume is both "this should have been intuitive" but also "this is fascinating"
The quirks of the *extremely* primal communications of humans demonstrated by extremely young children is about the only real data you can get for what a "wild" human looks like. Taking a step back and realizing that we're still animals too kind of puts such vocalizations into perspective. It's a lot like how a pet owner eventually learns pretty roughly what their cat's meows or their bird's chirps mean. Maybe because we're so wrapped up in our language abilities, it's common to turn off our recognition of that sort of communication in humans?
This randomly showed up as a recommended video but im very thankful it did
You have a cute kiddo. Now what about tantrums in politicians?
They grew up rich, whenever they threw a temper tantrum their parents would throw tantrums too until they got whatever their sweet precious angel wanted
Can you do a video about meltdowns in adults (and kids for that matter) and how they are different than a tantrum? It is a semantic thing but causes neurodivergent people to be labelled as whiny brats for being sensorily overwhelmed. We use the word “tantrum” to mean “getting upset over nothing or over something stupid [to us, not the person who is upset]” and it is purposely dismissive.
I tend to think a tantrum comes more from the inside (emotional overload) and a meltdown comes more from the outside (stimulus overload).
I'm sorry, but having a tantrum over a sock is definitely stupid. It's just that a toddler can't control their emotions yet so I would never tell a child that they were acting stupid or having a tantrum over nothing. I would help them calm down and allow them to help resolve the situation (like choosing different socks).
@@misspriss2482 We don't have meltdowns over socks and if it seems to be over a sock, it probably isn't. Or if the sock is the issue, it is because the sock is unbearably uncomfortable and must be immediately removed - any impediment to doing so is what is causing the "tantrum". If I forced you to hold a hot iron in your bare hand and wouldn't let you drop it because it was not socially acceptable for the setting, you would have a "tantrum" too.
I know the preferred terminology for some folks in-group is "meltdown", but I find this infantilising and stigmatising and use "panic attack" instead. Scientifically it's 100% accurate, the problem is people don't want to admit that autistic adults experienced childhood abuse at the hands of ignorant caretakers.
Look up the the minority stress model, this explains a good deal of the hypersensitivity to stressors/triggers we experience. Also look up autism-based communities in germany. And, madinamerica online.
"Meltdowns" aren't a feature of our neurodiversity, they are a side-effect of the bigoted society we are forced to deal with. The worst is, that this societally driven traumatic abuse isn't even acknowledged adding to autism-based stigma..
@@jesipohl6717 I like "panic attack" or "sensory attack" because it implies an external cause, like an allergy attack. "Meltdown" has a rather mechanical sound to it, like we are a nuclear plant, and it sounds worse than the situation is.
So I have to add that for the neurodiverse, meltdowns or tantrums can also be a sign of fear or panic. My son and I are both on the Autism spectrum and that is how we experienced these things, a lot of the time it was due to overstimulation.
I love this … I think too many times people just sum up a tantrum as one thing. They are more complex.