I was hyper independent for 20 yrs..Once I worked in my trauma and was able to healed myself I realized I had no one to blame but myself for staying single so long. I thank God I’m now a better, healthier, happier version of me who has given herself the opportunity to love once again
@@harijotkhalsa9496 YES!! It does!! This phenomenon usually happens in childhood when our secure attachment to our caretakers is not develop due to the dynamics of the relationship and environment in the family system.
Thank you for taking accountability for your trauma response. Even though trauma is not your fault, it is still important to take accountability for the responses even when they are accidental or whatever. This is what being grown up is all about and I rarely see this statement on the internet from men. Men love blaming women for everything and the echo chambers of enabling is scary. So good on you for stepping up and saying this because it's actually being a good influence. Peace and love
I’m definitely one of those people. Grew up in an extremely emotionally abusive environment. First two major relationships completely pushed both partners away. You do it because your brain is fundamentally terrified of connection: it’s a protective mechanism from being hurt. The only thing I’d add to her insight is that all of it is entirely subconscious, you are completely unaware of the fact you are doing it (at least I was).
❤ Aww... I get where you are coming from... I was used and abused too... I have my own phrase "If trust was a currency, I am bankrupt! Because I cannot trust anyone anymore!"
i realized this pretty late too and dating had never really worked out for me. was never able to open myself up enough to form that connection. somebody i went out with told me really nicely (bless his soul) that i didn't feel present to him, like I was weirdly guarded. I got a bit offended then, but now I really appreciate that he spoke up about it when he could've kept that to himself. Started to do a bit more inner digging and now a few years later, I'm pretty much at peace with this. It all makes sense now, but it's still kind of sad to know that if I get involved with someone I'll 100% end up stressing them out while stressing myself out. It just won't be fun and I will probably end up hurting someone. Still really want to experience that connection, but my defense mechanisms from growing up in such a high-stress insecure environment will probably take decades to calm down and I don't want to drag someone along for the ride unless they know what kind of mess they're getting into. I pretty much would have to navigate dating with a warning on my forehead and that's not a good foot to start on.
@@ruthbertorelli1290 yeah especially if your parents messed up your definition of trust. unconditional trust doesn't exist in my world. I have a very pessimistic mindset that anyone and everyone WILL throw you under the bus if they find a reason to. You can only trust yourself and then there's the fact that your gut instincts are also messed up lol so you can't even trust yourself. Life really sucks like this.
Yeah I completely empathize with your position. In isolation, yes - it can be an encumbrance for a partner to be with someone that has what you describe, but what about all the positive things about you that go along with it? Trauma certainly comes with baggage, but if you handle it well it can lead to a profound level of emotional intelligence that can serve a relationship and embolden that connection to an extremely profound degree: especially when you lean on each other to heal. Myself and my current partner both have our trauma around connection, but the connection I share with her is deeper than anything I've experienced before and the primary reason for this is the countless times we've been there for each other in our most vulnerable moments. I would highly advocate for people in your position to try and find someone supportive and experience the connection you were deprived of in childhood.@@rainiminiatures2184
People with anxious style - are merely very insecure and have abandonment fears. And they attract avoidants. Because it reinforces that part of them. Heal your insecurities and love yourself, have respect for yourself then no avoidant will be able to stick around. Because you simply will not accept such behaviour. It’s in your power to accept or remove. If you grow to truly respect yourself out of self love - you won’t be putting up with any avoidants. Avoidants are not made for a relationship, so you are seeking something in someone who can not give you that.
I just got broken up with by my ex gf who had this. She never told me until the end. It was the worst heart I’ve ever had. It made me anxious. All in all I wish she would’ve been more upfront she expected me to read her mind
Women, listen up... NEVER date anything but a SECURE Attachment Style Man. Females can be any of the attachment styles with a Secure Attachment Male, and it will work for the most part (though it will improve more if you work on becoming SA yourself). But no relationship will work if the Man is an Avoidant, Anxious or Fearful style. It will very badly function. Stay away from non-SA men. They are not ready for relationships and probably won't ever be. They were raised incorrectly and are unhealthy for relationships. Now, that said, if you're not a SA (for example you don't want to be in a relationship, etc), then it's time you realize that you are not healthy too. And it's not your fault. It was your early childhood upbringing that created you like this. Start therapy with one of these Attachment gurus. Heal. You can only get better. Don't worry about feeling unhealable, undeserving or anything else you tell yourself. Everybody is capable of becoming more secure and less anxious, from birth. Just some get it tabled for life. You can bring it back and contrary to the unhealthy reasoning in your mind telling you otherwise: IT IS WORTH IT. 🤝
I've been in a "relationship" like this. Very debilitating. I highly recommend you do what I did, and practice self love by ending things. It doesn't matter how beautiful she is, it will drain the life out of you
We have 4 kids and get along 99% of the time. But she acts like she doesn't care about any of it when we experience a problem. She's flighty. A problem occurs about 2 times per year. They're always cataclysmic to the relationship when they come up. We've been together 13 years now.
Gaslighting is when you are given conflicting messages, to the point where you start to question your own sense of reality and perspective. The focus is then changed from their behavior to your own rationality ( or lack of, you think ). In my case it had me second guessing everything past and present in our relationship and turned me from a happy stable secure person into a someone with a gutted sense of self worth and prone to depression.
@@SquidDesignwe on the same boat. it even prompted me to find God. which in reality was the main mistake i made. not having him. it would of saved me so much pain. i am much wiser now and working on forgiving. it has caused me to be hyper secure and confident in myself from personal changes and work i have done with myself afterwards, the opposite of what i was. now i know who i am and who is always with me 🙏, pain is a part of life it causes growth and wisdom i am not super independent from that trauma though, i am super independent because i have everything i need. Praise YAH!
Gaslighting is usually used in context with narcissistic abuse. I think sadia is describing something called avoidant attachment, which is very similar. the avoidant will throw confusing signals and then run for the hills when you get too close because their alarms start going off and they feel threatened all of a sudden. Avoidant people crave connection and at the same time are terrified of it because of the vulnerability that's required to actually make a connection. It will leave anybody they're with really confused and hurt. I'm not sure if there's gaslighting identified in the behaviors of avoidant people but at the end of the day, it's a kind of manipulation people use to get their victim to see a false version of reality. The intention could be to escape accountability or to maintain a status quo. the difference between a narc discarding their supply and an avoidant running for the hills is the intention behind the withdrawal I guess. A narc will only let you go if they find a new supply and they will frame it in their heads as you betraying them or it was your fault or something so you deserve it. An avoidant will assume the worse things about you as a sort of emotional vaccine and they are the most pessimistic people ever. They will make you jump through hoops to gain their trust and still find reasons to distrust you, leaving you drained and hopeless.
@@rainiminiatures2184 What you just described is very accurate ( frighteningly accurate ) so perhaps that is a better diagnosis of the situation I went through. Thank you
@masterreflections this mindset is exactly the problem. SECURE people do not smother, we give avoidants their time and space and are very understanding. However, when the avoidant continues the hot and cold cycle and makes no conscious effort to work on themselves and starts talking to other people as a way of creating distance- this is a big no go. We all want space and don't like feeling smothered but a relationship is not where two people live completely separate lives where they barely ever talk or check in with each other or make any effort for one another and hardly see each other and go off talking to other people investing their time -- that is not a relationship and avoidants seem to think it is. A secure person will not go on and on and on and chase like an anxiously attached person does , they will give space and be patient and gentle in their approach and be very open and direct about things that may bother them in a non argumentative way and they will give the avodiant time, however when this goes on endlessly and there's never any meeting half way- it's a problem and the avoidant no longer deserves the securely attached because they can trigger the securely attached to feel extremely neglected and blindsided if they remain in the situation for too long.
Most avoidants are low key covert narcissists. ( there are very few exceptions though) Run for the hills while you can. Don’t get attached to these people. Trust me it’s a living hell. Ive been there.
Needing some personal space is different from the tendency to not fully commit to your partner. I love being alone and do things creatively alone from time to time and not always with my partner directly involved also not giving a report to every single thing that I do to my partner is really essential to me. It is not secretive I just do things spontaneously without feeling the need to tell my partner all the time and that is called trust . So people need to differentiate between freedom and commitment. Commitment is linking yourself to your significant other in a way that you go through life together and evolve together. The way this bond forms is expressed how the couple defines it and if that thing involves respecting the need to do things on your own sometimes if your other half resonates with that then the bond will strengthen if it doesn’t then you might want to look for another more suited partner to you
Exactly. I left an avoidant man because he wouldn’t commit then he opened the door to other women. I gave him space yet he misused that space to create distance. lol no thank you!
@@derekazyan9942because it doesn't matter how strong you are (in the mind/willpower/commitment/determination etc), they will not care for you or the relationship on any level except the light and shallow level. That is how they were shaped/trained since infancy. Bootcamp is 2 months long. Look what that can create. Now imagine bootcamp for 18 years since birth.
Practice expressing the need for space, and let people in on what’s going on for you. Look up shadow work as well. I was an FA. Definitely dated DAs. You can sort it out. I did therapy, but I also did a series of courses which was the game changer. Practice new ways of doing things they way you truly want and doing it with emotional safe people. Over time your brain will make that the new reality.
It's ok. Me too. We have to be kind to ourselves even if we're flawed. This hard-wiring takes a long time to undo and we have to have patience with ourselves.
Thankyou for being honest. I wish i could have got this kind of honesty from my DA but she would just deny anything that pointed to her being part of the problem. I was once securre but from several rough relationships (too where i was cheated on) i became anxious avoidant with a little bit of preoccupied .... really bad combination when trying to deal with a dismissive.... but i tried my best to work on it. The shitty thing is no matter what i did to become more secure she would just seem to INCREASE with her dismissiveness. Answering only 1 of 10 calls and hardly a text a week. They would be her rambling on 10 different subjects (sometimes none of which involved our relationship) where i could hardly get a word in and then she would rush me off the phone when i wanted to speak. Then there would be radio silence and not much communication when we were at home together unless it was her talking about other guys and her work. As soon as i spoke she would speak over me and just be a bossy little control freak.... ok im rambling now
It sounds exhausting and there is no way I’m dealing with this type of behavior. These types of people shouldn’t be dating but I’m a therapy session biweekly. Geesh!
We are more attractive when in relation which is why everyone wants you once involved. Ever notice how no one wants you when your available until your unavailable.
@@Jdabomb93I wish this was a Musical I'd start singing David Bowie this is major ___ bomb to ground control la la la la and I'd say it would piss me off if I found I was more attractive after I was in a relationship I might develop a thought bubble with ideas like is someone else attracted to this person I'm dating and sending someone to distract me away from the person I'm with I'm Gen X And this has happened to me in the past The second I got distract I was unattractive to others again
@@Faye-el1bz That’s so ridiculous. 😑 They should be attracted to you, for what you bring to the table. Not that you’re with someone now. (Assuming that’s what it actually is)
Woah this is making me realise I have this attachment type. I don’t insult people close to me and I’d never cheat (if I ever did feel interested in dating) but I do struggle when I can feel someone potentially getting close. It feels so scary and I act a bit colder than before until I feel safe again. However, if I get to know someone very slowly and with regular unplanned contact and conversation I can bypass that because it’s so gradual that by the time we’re close I already trust that person and value our connection highly.
yeah, i get u. nothing but time and consistency can convince me someone genuinely loves me. I also tend to be super pessimistic and move through life predicting it to fall apart and everyone has the potential to throw me under the bus. I am a selfish coward to put it harshly, but at the same time trust=love to me so I don't give it easily and I will freak out as soon as I smell something weird (real or imagined). I have chronic allergies so I see avoidant attachment like allergies. It's overreaction.
This is helpful to me , thankyou girl !!! , my wife is that hyper weirdo who had childhood trauma and remains detached from me ALWAYS , and I was making a mistake to keep her cozy and loving all the time , thanks for opening my eyes and your guidance
For a long time I was avoidant, I’ve had to work out my attachment to better bond with my husband. ❤ I never cheated (in any relationship) but depending on someone else and asking for help took a toll on me.
me too. luckily I'm not in a relationship right now so I'm not in a hurry to fix myself that quickly (not that it can be fixed overnight) but I will bend over backwards before asking someone to help me with something. I can barely ask someone to pass me a fking saltshaker without feeling weird about it. I could be carrying 10 things down the stairs and I won't ask anyone to help me. i'm literally insane.
When I was dating and met an Avoidant attachment style woman, I immediately let her go. I tried a few times in the beginning, 10 months one time, but it's simply not worth it. The damage goes so deep that it takes years, even decades, to fix. And many times it's not even fixable. Avoidant attachment is a *huge* red flag for me. Not worth it.
Such persons not for the weak minded or casual minded. Such people have abundance of love in them but only the genuine ones can tap it, most times they do that because of previous hurt from a person they trusted before.
@@alexconfidence2354the person who has this attachment style is actually the weak minded one not the person who has to do the fixing … Lol not our jobs
I'm fine with going distance for a time as we all need break even from good things. Just make sure the person you're with has sealed a commitment with you otherwise your partner might be distancing to seek other options.
Thank you so much for sharing this video with Sadia, this is honestly really helpful advice as like all your other videos btw ! I have dated one guy and he said liked and wanted in engage in intimacy and I told him that I would like to have an actual relationship but even if they don't want one, it's ok, when I told him that, after that he stopped talking to me completely, they told me not talk to them anymore.
I could not explain a dating or relationship negative about myself any better than just described for the exact same reasons. This is me to a tee. My experience this is with every and all relationships. Doesn’t matter how much I really like you, how pretty you are, how cool you are, how interesting or respectable I feel towards you and how much you wow me or how much fun and how close me & a bff’ per se will be? For my own functionality and mental health I need space alone to have that freedom to reset and unwind and let go of the day. I do not feel like myself without it I will literally feel frustration, grumpy, and I will become unhappy bc I am wrestling the effects of unrest. Leaving is not without consequence and there is no explaining this to someone not for a very long time to when they no your quirks and twitches shit I wouldn’t even know but they do. My experience is these are habitual negative events. I don’t think there is a short term answer at all and you have to get lucky.
Yeah dealing with a man like this he said he was broken. also introverted it’s making me appreciate my next healthy relationship for sure cause this ain’t it
Please do not have any sympathy for someone who is so afraid of their own self they run. It’s cowardly POINT BLANK PERIOD. It’s even is the name they use to describe their behavior. Look up the synonyms for coward , “Fearful” and “avoidant” will be there … EVERY TIME.! Dating is not a sport and was never meant to be casual it was intended for marriage and that’s FACTS. If the definition has changed for dating then we are no longer dating as a society but re- traumatizing ourself from the TERRIBLE parenting styles that our society has picked up. All these fancy names for attachment styles “Fearful Avoidant”, “Anxious Attachment” and all its combinations are just fancy ways of saying your parents had no idea what they were doing and you were traumatized. No shade to the parents but we have to admit there’s been an issue when a trend of people are now going “ No contact” from their parents. A term that was non existent till just 5 years ago in ALL THE HISTORY OF THIS EARTH….. it’s time to become aware and heal your parental wounds so you do not pass it on to your children IF you can figure out how to reprogram your brain from thinking bad about relationships and children and are okay with having either one of them.. Not feel bad for the people who are causing more trauma to others cuz they are too cowardly to face their OWN demons .. THEY even know how messed up their actions are and THEY don’t like how things turn out in the end of their stints with people (cuz that’s not dating it shouldn’t be given the privilege of calling it that.) If you ever run into this kind of attachment style. Do not respond to their shenanigans and put on repeat in your mind how worthy of real love you are EVERY TIME you think of picking up the phone to call. Do not lower yourself to childish behaviors. They will come around and THEY will adjust to YOU. Yes, this happens when they are aware enough to see the damage they are doing to their own selves ….. You do not adjust to a temper tantrum from a child , if you do, you are the foolish person. Stand your ground , like you are dealing with a petulant child CUZ YOU ARE and stand in your power. You will feel better about yourself no matter the out come.
But the space shouldn't bring distance between you and your partner and when the space ends you should become more close to eachother and be more rejuvenated to make your relationship work,but if you become complacent and start getting too comfortable in that space then you'll keep wanting the space again and again.. it'll make you distant with your partner and your relationship will eventually crumble.
That’s why for me, an avoidant person is an indication of a UNHEALED person. Same goes for anxious types. Secure attachment styles are definitely what’s for me.
Was once avoidant detached. After lots of experience, therapy and maturity became stable attached. Then fell in love with an avoidant attached. Out of panic and fear lost emotional stability to become anxiously attached. Now time apart to heal and avoid going back on see saw. Difficult ... It's so seductive and heart wrenching.
I was living this for the last two months. Literally my mental health went downhill so quickly I had to walk away. I have feelings for the person, but I am not going back for my own sake.
Detachment is real. Every so often when I’m too long separated from my partner I start to detach, by creating scenarios in my head when we’re not together anymore and I’m thriving in alternate reality. But that’s just a signal to me that I need to bring back our intimacy and create space for us to connect
Some say a new theory. It´s not about finding the "compatible" partner., like finding the "puzzle" piece that matches, your preferences but to become "compatible" partner during the process I guess Maybe people have to focus on the rhythm of the relationship, - when partner is relaxing, I will focus on my stuff, -when I am relaxing, my partner will do his stuff, - when partner is having free time, we do things together etc Empathy and gratitude is a key as well. and maybe its about focusing your mind and energy on things that work well, rather then focusing all the energy on weak spots that dont work. and later the weak spots disapear naturally, because couple focuses on things that work for them That is why intelligent people and musicians of classical music, have successful relationships, because they understand the word feeling is a healling, music is feeling, music is healing......they understand the words "physics" "quantum physics" etc , they understand strategic thinking without judging , they understand team work, synergy etc
She is absolutely correct. I say that as a person who has an avoidant attachment style. I’m working on it. But it’s hard when people validate what you are afraid of. The older I get, the colder I get.
I just dated a guy like this. Im a little traumatized because we had a good connection, and we were compatible and had the same values. We were both extremely attracted to each other. It would go so good but at the end he would praise me and then criticize me. For dumb stuff. I have truama too so i was letting it go but i finally spoke up and said what is going in with you, are you ok because i feel like a little disrespected when you talk to me like that out of no where. He just kept saying sorry. Then he said we are looking for different things but its seemed he has trauma to acknowledge and process because of certain things he sometimes said about women. He kept saying sorry i felt like that. So he couldn't acknowledge that he would behave in that way nvm why he did. So sad. I thought maybe he was playing me at first but of course i obsessed over everything we spoke about and came to the conclusion that he had some deep resentment of women. When he was drunk he said women are hoes. I hadnt slept with him but it shocked me. I shrugged it off. Well, red flag lol.
And being secure in this type of relationship is so hard. No predictability, no transparency and humility. This is why my new lifetime rule is now " Only secure relationships, anywhere, and everywhere".
I honestly *like* my high-Independence. Sure, there are costs, but it gives a lot more than it takes. As for someone taking my time and energy, my feelings on that depend *entirely* on the scepific whats and hows, and whether I get the same consideration in return when I need it.
Completely agree . In the relationship with your partner It’s important that your partner has spaces to live her freedom into the cuplé. La pareja tiene que tener espacios de Libertad y ello no supone ser infiel. No hay cosa peor que los celos.
I completely understand this type of attachment style. I kept seeing relationships as a form of someone trying to control me. My ex kept buying me engagement rings, and I kept saying no. We lived in two different places, and I was fine with him not living with me. I have since then been working on my trauma and am looking at things from a different perspective.
Just don’t date them. You’ll suffer a lot. We don’t have the responsibility to fix their damage. They should work on themselves before hurting people left and right They’re some of the most selfish people
If your love is not genuine leave them alone such people only need unconditional love and if they love you it's till death. They are hopeless romantics and hardly fall because of previous experience from evil ungenuine people but once you prove your love to them they are your ride or die. Such people are not for common people but genuine lovers.
@@alexconfidence2354 lol they’re not! They should literally stay single and work on their issues instead of breaking people’s heart! Nobody owes them anything! They’re not kids
@@alexconfidence2354😂😂😂 You must give all. Walk on eggshells. Do the work. Dont expect human needs like seeing eachother or hugs. And they give nothing. That is not love. That is control.
Thats me. But space is important. Super clingy people are codependent and need therapy also. Its about the right amount of closeness and space. Its a balance.
My wife of 17 years was unfaithful. The other man was a cop who then threatened my life. 20 years single now and will be forever. Happy with 3 cats. We. Are. Good.
@derekazyan9942 au contraire my friend, I moved out of FL to TX to start anew, created 11 healthcare businesses and 2 real estate companies, through self growth and grinding I reached mid 8 figure wealth. Now forever single, but dating high value women casually. But always return home to the feline lads. Life is good! =)
My advice, don't invest in a person with a avoidant attachment style. It's mixed signals from day one. There is always something you do, that triggers them, but most things are such normal day things. Gaslighting is an additional gift you get with this. If you value your peace of mind, skip this one.
Agree with you on those points for sure. They cause so much emotional distress to the other person. Understand the need for space from someone but they don’t communicate it and just go radio silent abruptly and keep things super surface level even though they may crave some intimacy. It is horrible going through this type of relationship, it feels so one sided that might as well just be talking to yourself.
This is 100% about me and i know it for many years but i have no idea how to fix , i just need a lot of space and this energizes me to pull back and have time alone
Space is nothing but an excuse to get more comfort for oneself and running from the work you've put to make an relationship work. For e.g take an relationship as an office where you work and you've to work daily to function the relationship if you want space that means you stop working which means your relationship stops working.So,the space thing is nothing but an cope an excuse to not putting in the work required in a relationship.
@@F-J. I need to be able to go through his phone and help him delete all the girls phone numbers before he gets himself tangled. Marriage is exhausting. He even told one girl that he doesn’t speak English 🤣
@@rebekkagasmi9451 🤣🤣🤣yeah I’m the one who sent our son to KSA where he can only be removed by written consent of the father, I’m the one who visits brothels, I’ m the one who shuts my phone off 2 hours a day and works the other 22 hours hardly sleeping. Yeah I am so controlling 🤣🤣🤣
Shared bedrooms were originally born out of poverty. Families shared rooms in olden times because that’s all they had. Nowadays our parents upgrade us to our own bedroom when we’re 7 years old. Never understood why as adults we must regress back to sharing a bed.
I’ve been like this my whole life till I met someone who had same disorder and it happened to be her love her so much,that’s when I felt what my exes felt😢
Yea that's one of the reason for such, cos you don't want to fall again and get hurt but the funny thing is they keep taunting you and professing love till you fall for them and then when it comes to prove their love they hurt you not minding you told them your pain and know the reason you were try not to fall is because you are no sure they are genuine.
@@daughteroftheking4775what of if you love and get hurt again? It's unconscious you will develop anxiety and hesitation to love because you don't trust they will not hurt you.
I got disabled while dating a DA. It was a nightmare because the DA saw my actual physical caregiving needs as a form of attempted control. He'd actually jet off around the world and spend most of his time at work just to avoid helping me medically. I recommend if you have a physical, mental, or developmental disability, or are a caregiver to a family member or child, to never date a DA seriously. They may love you, but they will eventually panic and destroy your life trying to escape to get their independence needs met.
I'm in a relationship like this but I've shifted focus to myself and I don't expect anything from them. My person and I are split up and while at first it hurt me, I dunno what happened. But I've just been there as a supportive loving person while realizing I do deserve better if my now ex doesn't seek healing for her traumas. Part of me would like this relationship to flourish eventually in time, but I'm not going to wait for it to and I'm also not going to date anyone until I myself work thru the things I need healing from, since I have an anxious attachment style, also not involving myself with anyone until I'm over them.
Become conscious before you enter into relationship. When you're conscious in a relationship you will do one of two things: you will either call your partner out on their shit, or you will leave. You might do both. Remember, if you're going to call your partner out, let them call you out...even if they are incorrect. If you can leave, allow them to leave. If you want space...allow them space. Conscious partnerships, unions, marriages, are not about being correct or incorrect. Its about Knowing. Giving. Receiving. Equality and Balance. Also knowing when to end the commitment with your partner is conscious. It means there's a commitment inside yourself you desire to end.❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
She is brilliant. I'm in that now. I want them and want the reciprocation of what I give. I am realizing now this is what she is. I felt it was my fault. Thank you.
Yes this is apart of it but then don’t get into a relationship. Don’t let ppl think you care then emotionally abandon them. If you know what it’s like to not trust anyone then why break someone else’s trust in YOU. It’s not fair to the other person and is a sign of low emotional intelligence. We’ve all been hurt before. It’s not an excuse to hurt others.
A pet can turn on you for any number of reasons..do you discard them or get them training? A person can turn on you true, but not everyone fits in one bucket
Communicate when you need space. Find solutions where you and your partner can win. Set aside time for the partner and time for yourself. Be ok with talking about your needs. Give your partner compliments. Be ok with problem solving and not running away: Therapy please
Avoidant attachment or avoidant behaviour is also a part of cptsd. So if it is,it'll take more time to heal. If you've had overbearing parents ( who obvsly don't love you), when you meet a loving man,you're going to have terrible panic attacks. Headsup.
@@umchileanywaysso it's normal to experience panic when you've never experienced acceptance,love and respect from a man. Your intuition is off regarding this because it has acclimatised to abuse. It feels overwhelming and has you questioning your whole reality. And yes,therapy is needed. Men also get cptsd .
People who have been single a long time like myself can feel this way. I personally like my space and believe both people should have their space to maintain their senses of individuality. Though in Holy Matrimony it is written that two become 1. God should be first in that relationship, so you need alone time with HIM. Then worship and serve HIM together . I personally don’t like feeling emotionally smothered and fear the relationship becoming mundane and boring , that we may lose interest in each other over time, if we spend TOO much time together. Therfore I feel the need for balance …where we give intimacy some space and have something to look forward to on our off days together. I prefer separate rooms and bathrooms. That’s your space, this is mine. That’s your stuff, this is mine . I can spend the night in your bed some nights and you can spend the night in my bed. Obviously as long as we are married of course. It’s not for everyone…but it’s a type of love language I have. 🙏❤
He is that, I didn't know what was what, he kept gaslighting andI thought if I give more love, he would feel contended! Which unknowingly head pushed him off! It felt so painful he wanted to reach out to me but he would do so at my sleep time so I won't be awake to reply his texts! He felt it safe! Finally he picked up a small reason send left me! I was willing to accept him with his avoidance as well! Truely truely it feels like he is a sweet soul who i'd demon possessed! He was ready to look past all my flaws, even when in distance, he thought of making job changes to accommodate me send lot of those things but when I looked into his soul, he couldn't stand the idea of being close to someone who could rather see him as less than what he portrayed himself to be! I want to tell him I respect him nevertheless, I accept him nevertheless.. But he is not acceptable at all! He predictably picked up a small issue and left me!
After watching married at first sight I saw this in Eve and Charlie’s relationship on the show. Charlie is anxious and Eve is dismissive/avoidant same with Richelle
Alot of my pass relationship I've been told I'm not emotionally available but now after been single for 3 years having time to myself 😊, my issue comes from my family/mother but i am working in progress
Biggest problem as a man for me, is when I had a new woman in my life and things progressed she could see the space I wanted, she could see slight measures of my insecurities naturally, nothing crazy. And I can never talk to her about it because they will lose respect for you asap
It’s also manipulation. It’s a way of avoiding accountability. It’s a way of leaving yourself ready for a Bigger Better Deal. Or the next shiny object. That space becomes a cover for secretive and deceptive behaviour. These behaviours can only be expressed if the person doing them has zero regard for the damage they may cause an intimate partner. This clearly shows a lack of Empathy. If this isn’t evidence enough to quietly leave. Then tap the phone. Read the enemies mail. Then leave quietly without an explanation. Ghost protocol.
lol i can imagine. I am also one that needs space but i definetely not a cheater and i love as well. Good Love. But i have very very clear boundaries and i would definetely set up something to keep my independence up because its necessary and very important. If you dont you are easily sway. There are some couples that have wonderful harmonious relationship and often go everywhere together, these are just one of a kind i think, and probably very rare. Myself i would love passionately and ahe will definetely know… It may not be the same as in the past though… i dont know… Im also healing… But i havent been with someone for years anyway… and also been… pretty much cut away from women for years. I do love them pretty creatures though!! But you know the times we live in?… Im not very mich preoccupied with finding females…. Even though it is a thought that crosses my mind from time to time…. I feel there are way more important things to think about…
Yeah fuck that it nearly ruined me constantly picking out flaws and putting me down and never realising or appreciating the good in me!! Never seeing my love just blamed me for being controlling. Nah I just wanted to spend time with someone who I loved.. iv never been criticised so much in my entire life everything I did or said was wrong.. and the way they act with the other stuff well then you just get blamed for being insecure because you got cheated on previously.. it’s not because of their behaviour because they never see anything wrong with themselves it’s always on you 😢 most painful and hurtful experience Iv probably ever gone through… I put my everything into it but nothing was good enough.. 😢
Ye they just want u to be there relaxed and receive whatever they wanna give whenever they want😌. A little talk about spending time together feels like they are being controlledddd n losing their freedom. Yet they dont know they are the ones controlling.
💯 very controlling even the phone calls were controlled by him I say one thing out of line he would hang up and then ignore me for hours!! Extremely controlling
I was hyper independent for 20 yrs..Once I worked in my trauma and was able to healed myself I realized I had no one to blame but myself for staying single so long. I thank God I’m now a better, healthier, happier version of me who has given herself the opportunity to love once again
She mentions "that trauma" but we don't hear what it is. What trauma causes someone to be hyper independent?
Good on you. 👏
@@harijotkhalsa9496 YES!! It does!! This phenomenon usually happens in childhood when our secure attachment to our caretakers is not develop due to the dynamics of the relationship and environment in the family system.
Thank you for taking accountability for your trauma response. Even though trauma is not your fault, it is still important to take accountability for the responses even when they are accidental or whatever. This is what being grown up is all about and I rarely see this statement on the internet from men. Men love blaming women for everything and the echo chambers of enabling is scary. So good on you for stepping up and saying this because it's actually being a good influence. Peace and love
How did you do it?
I’m definitely one of those people. Grew up in an extremely emotionally abusive environment. First two major relationships completely pushed both partners away. You do it because your brain is fundamentally terrified of connection: it’s a protective mechanism from being hurt. The only thing I’d add to her insight is that all of it is entirely subconscious, you are completely unaware of the fact you are doing it (at least I was).
❤ Aww... I get where you are coming from... I was used and abused too... I have my own phrase "If trust was a currency, I am bankrupt! Because I cannot trust anyone anymore!"
But How do they know that they love him/her??
i realized this pretty late too and dating had never really worked out for me. was never able to open myself up enough to form that connection. somebody i went out with told me really nicely (bless his soul) that i didn't feel present to him, like I was weirdly guarded. I got a bit offended then, but now I really appreciate that he spoke up about it when he could've kept that to himself. Started to do a bit more inner digging and now a few years later, I'm pretty much at peace with this. It all makes sense now, but it's still kind of sad to know that if I get involved with someone I'll 100% end up stressing them out while stressing myself out. It just won't be fun and I will probably end up hurting someone. Still really want to experience that connection, but my defense mechanisms from growing up in such a high-stress insecure environment will probably take decades to calm down and I don't want to drag someone along for the ride unless they know what kind of mess they're getting into. I pretty much would have to navigate dating with a warning on my forehead and that's not a good foot to start on.
@@ruthbertorelli1290 yeah especially if your parents messed up your definition of trust. unconditional trust doesn't exist in my world. I have a very pessimistic mindset that anyone and everyone WILL throw you under the bus if they find a reason to. You can only trust yourself and then there's the fact that your gut instincts are also messed up lol so you can't even trust yourself. Life really sucks like this.
Yeah I completely empathize with your position. In isolation, yes - it can be an encumbrance for a partner to be with someone that has what you describe, but what about all the positive things about you that go along with it? Trauma certainly comes with baggage, but if you handle it well it can lead to a profound level of emotional intelligence that can serve a relationship and embolden that connection to an extremely profound degree: especially when you lean on each other to heal. Myself and my current partner both have our trauma around connection, but the connection I share with her is deeper than anything I've experienced before and the primary reason for this is the countless times we've been there for each other in our most vulnerable moments. I would highly advocate for people in your position to try and find someone supportive and experience the connection you were deprived of in childhood.@@rainiminiatures2184
I’m seeing a guy like this it’s so stressful because I’m have an anxious attachment style and I get anxiety attacks
People with anxious style - are merely very insecure and have abandonment fears. And they attract avoidants. Because it reinforces that part of them.
Heal your insecurities and love yourself, have respect for yourself then no avoidant will be able to stick around. Because you simply will not accept such behaviour.
It’s in your power to accept or remove.
If you grow to truly respect yourself out of self love - you won’t be putting up with any avoidants. Avoidants are not made for a relationship, so you are seeking something in someone who can not give you that.
I just got broken up with by my ex gf who had this. She never told me until the end. It was the worst heart I’ve ever had. It made me anxious. All in all I wish she would’ve been more upfront she expected me to read her mind
Women, listen up... NEVER date anything but a SECURE Attachment Style Man. Females can be any of the attachment styles with a Secure Attachment Male, and it will work for the most part (though it will improve more if you work on becoming SA yourself). But no relationship will work if the Man is an Avoidant, Anxious or Fearful style. It will very badly function. Stay away from non-SA men. They are not ready for relationships and probably won't ever be. They were raised incorrectly and are unhealthy for relationships. Now, that said, if you're not a SA (for example you don't want to be in a relationship, etc), then it's time you realize that you are not healthy too. And it's not your fault. It was your early childhood upbringing that created you like this. Start therapy with one of these Attachment gurus. Heal. You can only get better. Don't worry about feeling unhealable, undeserving or anything else you tell yourself. Everybody is capable of becoming more secure and less anxious, from birth. Just some get it tabled for life. You can bring it back and contrary to the unhealthy reasoning in your mind telling you otherwise: IT IS WORTH IT. 🤝
She described my X
My advice is leave as soon as it happens rather than waste 20yrs
I understand you 100 % i have the same situation. 15 years!
I did my 25 years with him, and wasted my youth
10 years
Women have poor judgement in men ✅
Me too 😢😵💫🙄
I've been in a "relationship" like this. Very debilitating. I highly recommend you do what I did, and practice self love by ending things. It doesn't matter how beautiful she is, it will drain the life out of you
We have 4 kids and get along 99% of the time. But she acts like she doesn't care about any of it when we experience a problem. She's flighty. A problem occurs about 2 times per year. They're always cataclysmic to the relationship when they come up. We've been together 13 years now.
They don't wanna lose you and you want to lose them.Tables turn...
I went through a relationship like this and it left me drained and feeling so gaslit… still recovering from it
Define "gaslit" and how being gaslit related to your situation...
Gaslighting is when you are given conflicting messages, to the point where you start to question your own sense of reality and perspective. The focus is then changed from their behavior to your own rationality ( or lack of, you think ).
In my case it had me second guessing everything past and present in our relationship and turned me from a happy stable secure person into a someone with a gutted sense of self worth and prone to depression.
@@SquidDesignwe on the same boat. it even prompted me to find God. which in reality was the main mistake i made. not having him. it would of saved me so much pain. i am much wiser now and working on forgiving. it has caused me to be hyper secure and confident in myself from personal changes and work i have done with myself afterwards, the opposite of what i was. now i know who i am and who is always with me 🙏, pain is a part of life it causes growth and wisdom i am not super independent from that trauma though, i am super independent because i have everything i need. Praise YAH!
Gaslighting is usually used in context with narcissistic abuse. I think sadia is describing something called avoidant attachment, which is very similar. the avoidant will throw confusing signals and then run for the hills when you get too close because their alarms start going off and they feel threatened all of a sudden. Avoidant people crave connection and at the same time are terrified of it because of the vulnerability that's required to actually make a connection. It will leave anybody they're with really confused and hurt. I'm not sure if there's gaslighting identified in the behaviors of avoidant people but at the end of the day, it's a kind of manipulation people use to get their victim to see a false version of reality. The intention could be to escape accountability or to maintain a status quo. the difference between a narc discarding their supply and an avoidant running for the hills is the intention behind the withdrawal I guess. A narc will only let you go if they find a new supply and they will frame it in their heads as you betraying them or it was your fault or something so you deserve it. An avoidant will assume the worse things about you as a sort of emotional vaccine and they are the most pessimistic people ever. They will make you jump through hoops to gain their trust and still find reasons to distrust you, leaving you drained and hopeless.
@@rainiminiatures2184 What you just described is very accurate ( frighteningly accurate ) so perhaps that is a better diagnosis of the situation I went through. Thank you
The on-again, off-again relationship is exactly this.
Amen🎯💯 Vicious cycle. They'd rather die alone, or just convince themselves of that. Buh-BYE!
I identify with what she is talking about. I need someone who does not smother me. Distance and come in the form of being around and not up my skirt.
@masterreflections this mindset is exactly the problem. SECURE people do not smother, we give avoidants their time and space and are very understanding. However, when the avoidant continues the hot and cold cycle and makes no conscious effort to work on themselves and starts talking to other people as a way of creating distance- this is a big no go. We all want space and don't like feeling smothered but a relationship is not where two people live completely separate lives where they barely ever talk or check in with each other or make any effort for one another and hardly see each other and go off talking to other people investing their time -- that is not a relationship and avoidants seem to think it is. A secure person will not go on and on and on and chase like an anxiously attached person does , they will give space and be patient and gentle in their approach and be very open and direct about things that may bother them in a non argumentative way and they will give the avodiant time, however when this goes on endlessly and there's never any meeting half way- it's a problem and the avoidant no longer deserves the securely attached because they can trigger the securely attached to feel extremely neglected and blindsided if they remain in the situation for too long.
Most avoidants are low key covert narcissists. ( there are very few exceptions though) Run for the hills while you can. Don’t get attached to these people. Trust me it’s a living hell. Ive been there.
Needing some personal space is different from the tendency to not fully commit to your partner. I love being alone and do things creatively alone from time to time and not always with my partner directly involved also not giving a report to every single thing that I do to my partner is really essential to me. It is not secretive I just do things spontaneously without feeling the need to tell my partner all the time and that is called trust . So people need to differentiate between freedom and commitment. Commitment is linking yourself to your significant other in a way that you go through life together and evolve together. The way this bond forms is expressed how the couple defines it and if that thing involves respecting the need to do things on your own sometimes if your other half resonates with that then the bond will strengthen if it doesn’t then you might want to look for another more suited partner to you
Exactly. I left an avoidant man because he wouldn’t commit then he opened the door to other women. I gave him space yet he misused that space to create distance. lol no thank you!
what a headache! So hard to remain chemically balanced with those unusually weird people!
It’s impossible. I thought I was a strong person….
@@derekazyan9942because it doesn't matter how strong you are (in the mind/willpower/commitment/determination etc), they will not care for you or the relationship on any level except the light and shallow level. That is how they were shaped/trained since infancy. Bootcamp is 2 months long. Look what that can create. Now imagine bootcamp for 18 years since birth.
I do this 😢. It’s not just men, women do it too and I’m in therapy for this.
Is the therapy working?
Practice expressing the need for space, and let people in on what’s going on for you. Look up shadow work as well. I was an FA. Definitely dated DAs. You can sort it out. I did therapy, but I also did a series of courses which was the game changer.
Practice new ways of doing things they way you truly want and doing it with emotional safe people. Over time your brain will make that the new reality.
It's ok. Me too. We have to be kind to ourselves even if we're flawed. This hard-wiring takes a long time to undo and we have to have patience with ourselves.
Thankyou for being honest. I wish i could have got this kind of honesty from my DA but she would just deny anything that pointed to her being part of the problem.
I was once securre but from several rough relationships (too where i was cheated on) i became anxious avoidant with a little bit of preoccupied .... really bad combination when trying to deal with a dismissive.... but i tried my best to work on it. The shitty thing is no matter what i did to become more secure she would just seem to INCREASE with her dismissiveness. Answering only 1 of 10 calls and hardly a text a week.
They would be her rambling on 10 different subjects (sometimes none of which involved our relationship) where i could hardly get a word in and then she would rush me off the phone when i wanted to speak. Then there would be radio silence and not much communication when we were at home together unless it was her talking about other guys and her work. As soon as i spoke she would speak over me and just be a bossy little control freak.... ok im rambling now
It sounds exhausting and there is no way I’m dealing with this type of behavior. These types of people shouldn’t be dating but I’m a therapy session biweekly. Geesh!
Had a girl like this, I never knew if we were going or coming.
Finally told her to go kick rocks...
update? how are you dealing with it?
I'm starting to push people because of abuse.
I'm sick of it hot and cold and waiting for a text back hours or days and they say oh I forgot. F off. Sick in the head. Bad partners
They make a secure person , anxious.
good
My God. Such complication. I'm getting a puppy tomorrow.
Right?! It shouldn’t be so complicated at all.
😂😂😂. Ditto, good grief 😔
pets are so simple. love them!
😂
I have two😂❤
This is me. I've never heard it described before. I could never understand why when I met a girl I liked I'd start to connect with other women.
We are more attractive when in relation which is why everyone wants you once involved. Ever notice how no one wants you when your available until your unavailable.
@@aplusdiva7006huh? That's not what he wrote. 😂
@@ThreeWishes777 lol
We all live in our own little bubbles huh? 🫧
@@Jdabomb93I wish this was a Musical I'd start singing David Bowie this is major ___ bomb to ground control la la la la and I'd say it would piss me off if I found I was more attractive after I was in a relationship
I might develop a thought bubble with ideas like
is someone else attracted to this person I'm dating and sending someone to distract me away from the person I'm with
I'm Gen X
And this has happened to me in the past
The second I got distract I was unattractive to others again
@@Faye-el1bz
That’s so ridiculous. 😑
They should be attracted to you, for what you bring to the table.
Not that you’re with someone now.
(Assuming that’s what it actually is)
Woah this is making me realise I have this attachment type. I don’t insult people close to me and I’d never cheat (if I ever did feel interested in dating) but I do struggle when I can feel someone potentially getting close. It feels so scary and I act a bit colder than before until I feel safe again. However, if I get to know someone very slowly and with regular unplanned contact and conversation I can bypass that because it’s so gradual that by the time we’re close I already trust that person and value our connection highly.
yeah, i get u. nothing but time and consistency can convince me someone genuinely loves me. I also tend to be super pessimistic and move through life predicting it to fall apart and everyone has the potential to throw me under the bus. I am a selfish coward to put it harshly, but at the same time trust=love to me so I don't give it easily and I will freak out as soon as I smell something weird (real or imagined). I have chronic allergies so I see avoidant attachment like allergies. It's overreaction.
This is helpful to me , thankyou girl !!! , my wife is that hyper weirdo who had childhood trauma and remains detached from me ALWAYS , and I was making a mistake to keep her cozy and loving all the time , thanks for opening my eyes and your guidance
You a weirdo!! Simp stop trying do much with 🐈. Women are like cats always on the next alleyway
She’s such a queen look at her hair omg
She's fit though
Saudia is absolutely gorgeous articulate and intelligent
@@yup1379 you know what I meant
She is just another pretty face 🙄
Saudia 😹 how cute!
It is sadia
Yeah she is but she doesn't seem to understand hormones
For a long time I was avoidant, I’ve had to work out my attachment to better bond with my husband. ❤ I never cheated (in any relationship) but depending on someone else and asking for help took a toll on me.
me too. luckily I'm not in a relationship right now so I'm not in a hurry to fix myself that quickly (not that it can be fixed overnight) but I will bend over backwards before asking someone to help me with something. I can barely ask someone to pass me a fking saltshaker without feeling weird about it. I could be carrying 10 things down the stairs and I won't ask anyone to help me. i'm literally insane.
It’s nice to hear you didn’t cheat. So many tended to monkey branch. I know my avoidant ex did. I had found out by accident.
When I was dating and met an Avoidant attachment style woman, I immediately let her go. I tried a few times in the beginning, 10 months one time, but it's simply not worth it. The damage goes so deep that it takes years, even decades, to fix. And many times it's not even fixable. Avoidant attachment is a *huge* red flag for me. Not worth it.
Such persons not for the weak minded or casual minded. Such people have abundance of love in them but only the genuine ones can tap it, most times they do that because of previous hurt from a person they trusted before.
@@alexconfidence2354Lot of work to handle someone else's baggage
@@alexconfidence2354the person who has this attachment style is actually the weak minded one not the person who has to do the fixing … Lol not our jobs
🤗
@@alexconfidence2354”genuine ones”- pure Delulu
Such a soothing talking style and great delivery of wisdom ❤
This describes me in every way, detail, shape, form and energy. I vouch that this is true.
This brings so much clarity 💯
I'm fine with going distance for a time as we all need break even from good things. Just make sure the person you're with has sealed a commitment with you otherwise your partner might be distancing to seek other options.
Thank you so much for sharing this video with Sadia, this is honestly really helpful advice as like all your other videos btw ! I have dated one guy and he said liked and wanted in engage in intimacy and I told him that I would like to have an actual relationship but even if they don't want one, it's ok, when I told him that, after that he stopped talking to me completely, they told me not talk to them anymore.
You are so fascinante i adore your way of speaking i can listen to you for hours and hours....so rare nowadays...thanks
I could not explain a dating or relationship negative about myself any better than just described for the exact same reasons.
This is me to a tee.
My experience this is with every and all relationships.
Doesn’t matter how much I really like you, how pretty you are, how cool you are, how interesting or respectable I feel towards you and how much you wow me or how much fun and how close me & a bff’ per se will be?
For my own functionality and mental health I need space alone to have that freedom to reset and unwind and let go of the day.
I do not feel like myself without it I will literally feel frustration, grumpy, and I will become unhappy bc I am wrestling the effects of unrest.
Leaving is not without consequence and there is no explaining this to someone not for a very long time to when they no your quirks and twitches shit I wouldn’t even know but they do.
My experience is these are habitual negative events. I don’t think there is a short term answer at all and you have to get lucky.
Yeah dealing with a man like this he said he was broken. also introverted it’s making me appreciate my next healthy relationship for sure cause this ain’t it
Yes if they recognize it, best let them be
This is beautifully said.
Clear and concise reasoning. 🌹 Thank you
Sounds like hell. I've mostly recovered from anxious but to be avoidant and always feel like you can't breathe for long must feel awful.
It is indeed... 😢
Please do not have any sympathy for someone who is so afraid of their own self they run. It’s cowardly POINT BLANK PERIOD. It’s even is the name they use to describe their behavior. Look up the synonyms for coward , “Fearful” and “avoidant” will be there … EVERY TIME.! Dating is not a sport and was never meant to be casual it was intended for marriage and that’s FACTS. If the definition has changed for dating then we are no longer dating as a society but re- traumatizing ourself from the TERRIBLE parenting styles that our society has picked up. All these fancy names for attachment styles “Fearful Avoidant”, “Anxious Attachment” and all its combinations are just fancy ways of saying your parents had no idea what they were doing and you were traumatized. No shade to the parents but we have to admit there’s been an issue when a trend of people are now going “ No contact” from their parents. A term that was non existent till just 5 years ago in ALL THE HISTORY OF THIS EARTH….. it’s time to become aware and heal your parental wounds so you do not pass it on to your children IF you can figure out how to reprogram your brain from thinking bad about relationships and children and are okay with having either one of them.. Not feel bad for the people who are causing more trauma to others cuz they are too cowardly to face their OWN demons .. THEY even know how messed up their actions are and THEY don’t like how things turn out in the end of their stints with people (cuz that’s not dating it shouldn’t be given the privilege of calling it that.)
If you ever run into this kind of attachment style. Do not respond to their shenanigans and put on repeat in your mind how worthy of real love you are EVERY TIME you think of picking up the phone to call. Do not lower yourself to childish behaviors. They will come around and THEY will adjust to YOU. Yes, this happens when they are aware enough to see the damage they are doing to their own selves ….. You do not adjust to a temper tantrum from a child , if you do, you are the foolish person. Stand your ground , like you are dealing with a petulant child CUZ YOU ARE and stand in your power. You will feel better about yourself no matter the out come.
Space is good in any relationship, especially after being with someone for any length of time.
But the space shouldn't bring distance between you and your partner and when the space ends you should become more close to eachother and be more rejuvenated to make your relationship work,but if you become complacent and start getting too comfortable in that space then you'll keep wanting the space again and again.. it'll make you distant with your partner and your relationship will eventually crumble.
There is a difference between space and distance. Avoidant distance their partners and bread crumb intimacy and attention. Not worth it!
You amazing woman💔 I pray for a strong woman like you ever day✨🌜👑😇🦁🤍🔥🕊️✌️☘️🍀🍀☘️🍀☘️🍀☘️✨
That’s why for me, an avoidant person is an indication of a UNHEALED person. Same goes for anxious types. Secure attachment styles are definitely what’s for me.
Articulate, insightful compassionate and useful. Thankyou.
Was once avoidant detached. After lots of experience, therapy and maturity became stable attached. Then fell in love with an avoidant attached. Out of panic and fear lost emotional stability to become anxiously attached. Now time apart to heal and avoid going back on see saw. Difficult ... It's so seductive and heart wrenching.
I CAN TELL HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOUR CRAFT..GIFT FROM ABOVE.. MAKES ME SMILE😊😊✌️
I was living this for the last two months. Literally my mental health went downhill so quickly I had to walk away. I have feelings for the person, but I am not going back for my own sake.
Same
Detachment is real. Every so often when I’m too long separated from my partner I start to detach, by creating scenarios in my head when we’re not together anymore and I’m thriving in alternate reality. But that’s just a signal to me that I need to bring back our intimacy and create space for us to connect
I definitely always felt from childhood I always want space. I need to eb able to run away, sort of.
you are probably an empath. No big deal.
Some say a new theory.
It´s not about finding the "compatible" partner., like finding the "puzzle" piece that matches, your preferences
but to become "compatible" partner during the process
I guess
Maybe people have to focus on the rhythm of the relationship,
- when partner is relaxing, I will focus on my stuff,
-when I am relaxing, my partner will do his stuff,
- when partner is having free time, we do things together etc
Empathy and gratitude is a key as well.
and maybe its about focusing your mind and energy on things that work well, rather then focusing all the energy on weak spots that dont work.
and later the weak spots disapear naturally, because couple focuses on things that work for them
That is why intelligent people and musicians of classical music, have successful relationships, because they understand the word feeling is a healling, music is feeling, music is healing......they understand the words "physics" "quantum physics" etc , they understand strategic thinking without judging , they understand team work, synergy etc
Get therapy. It works.
Tell me when you need distance, I don't want to control you. I'm a very diplomatic Man. Just communicate. I'm very loyal. The love is there.
You give so much answers on my questions thank you sadia
She is absolutely correct. I say that as a person who has an avoidant attachment style. I’m working on it. But it’s hard when people validate what you are afraid of. The older I get, the colder I get.
So f**king true. Thank you for reminding me why I’m better off without me ex who robbed me of four years of happiness
I just dated a guy like this. Im a little traumatized because we had a good connection, and we were compatible and had the same values. We were both extremely attracted to each other. It would go so good but at the end he would praise me and then criticize me. For dumb stuff. I have truama too so i was letting it go but i finally spoke up and said what is going in with you, are you ok because i feel like a little disrespected when you talk to me like that out of no where. He just kept saying sorry. Then he said we are looking for different things but its seemed he has trauma to acknowledge and process because of certain things he sometimes said about women. He kept saying sorry i felt like that. So he couldn't acknowledge that he would behave in that way nvm why he did. So sad. I thought maybe he was playing me at first but of course i obsessed over everything we spoke about and came to the conclusion that he had some deep resentment of women. When he was drunk he said women are hoes. I hadnt slept with him but it shocked me. I shrugged it off. Well, red flag lol.
Nothing to do with avoidant
Went through the same exact thing, wonder if it’s the same guy lol
This is me due to heartbreak in past. I couldn't seem to move past it. Broke me down so much.
And being secure in this type of relationship is so hard. No predictability, no transparency and humility. This is why my new lifetime rule is now " Only secure relationships, anywhere, and everywhere".
I honestly *like* my high-Independence. Sure, there are costs, but it gives a lot more than it takes.
As for someone taking my time and energy, my feelings on that depend *entirely* on the scepific whats and hows, and whether I get the same consideration in return when I need it.
Thanks for this concise recap ❤valuable
Completely agree . In the relationship with your partner It’s important that your partner has spaces to live her freedom into the cuplé. La pareja tiene que tener espacios de Libertad y ello no supone ser infiel. No hay cosa peor que los celos.
This is true for female avoidants too
I completely understand this type of attachment style. I kept seeing relationships as a form of someone trying to control me. My ex kept buying me engagement rings, and I kept saying no. We lived in two different places, and I was fine with him not living with me. I have since then been working on my trauma and am looking at things from a different perspective.
Just don’t date them. You’ll suffer a lot. We don’t have the responsibility to fix their damage. They should work on themselves before hurting people left and right
They’re some of the most selfish people
Someone wanting space isnt selfish
If your love is not genuine leave them alone such people only need unconditional love and if they love you it's till death. They are hopeless romantics and hardly fall because of previous experience from evil ungenuine people but once you prove your love to them they are your ride or die. Such people are not for common people but genuine lovers.
@@alexconfidence2354 lol they’re not! They should literally stay single and work on their issues instead of breaking people’s heart! Nobody owes them anything! They’re not kids
@@alexconfidence2354You watch too many Disney movies.
@@alexconfidence2354😂😂😂
You must give all. Walk on eggshells. Do the work. Dont expect human needs like seeing eachother or hugs. And they give nothing. That is not love. That is control.
The avoidant in him just did exactly that.
Her beauty is unsurpassed ♥️
This was so spot on for me I teared up 🥹 I hope I heal this
...they simply arent ready for commitment. Cos commitment means all or nothing
Thats me. But space is important. Super clingy people are codependent and need therapy also. Its about the right amount of closeness and space. Its a balance.
Oh she speaking The TRUTH 💯
Each time I see and hear her my heart is happy and sad simultaneously 😊😢 while standing in awe😮 of her.
She just described me
Same here - but VERY happy and content with it... 😊😊
Same!
Stay away from y’all ✅
Same here and proud
@@sam47511what about this situation makes you feel proud? Just curious
I am this and I’m so determined to change this. Nobody should endure a partner this confusing. I hate how I am like this. 😢
I could listen to you all day.
I can call myself hyper independent. This is most probably true, when you are alone for so long, it's hard to love anyone.
My wife of 17 years was unfaithful. The other man was a cop who then threatened my life. 20 years single now and will be forever. Happy with 3 cats. We. Are. Good.
I love cats but I refuse to let my avoidant ex turn me into you. I’m sorry that happened to you though.
@derekazyan9942 au contraire my friend, I moved out of FL to TX to start anew, created 11 healthcare businesses and 2 real estate companies, through self growth and grinding I reached mid 8 figure wealth. Now forever single, but dating high value women casually. But always return home to the feline lads. Life is good! =)
@@davidfung2082 nice!
My advice, don't invest in a person with a avoidant attachment style. It's mixed signals from day one. There is always something you do, that triggers them, but most things are such normal day things. Gaslighting is an additional gift you get with this. If you value your peace of mind, skip this one.
Not to mention walking on eggshells and everything is on THEIR terms. A one sided type of relationship.
Agree with you on those points for sure. They cause so much emotional distress to the other person. Understand the need for space from someone but they don’t communicate it and just go radio silent abruptly and keep things super surface level even though they may crave some intimacy.
It is horrible going through this type of relationship, it feels so one sided that might as well just be talking to yourself.
Eve with Charlie married at first sight
Exactly. Treat it as 'a friend'. They will go crazy around it.
This is 100% about me and i know it for many years but i have no idea how to fix , i just need a lot of space and this energizes me to pull back and have time alone
When you envision yourself lonely than you'll look for fixing🛠
Peace and Blessings SADIA....
This is me always got my guard up as a defence mechanism and look for flaws in my partner when shes amazing in reality
Space is nothing but an excuse to get more comfort for oneself and running from the work you've put to make an relationship work. For e.g take an relationship as an office where you work and you've to work daily to function the relationship if you want space that means you stop working which means your relationship stops working.So,the space thing is nothing but an cope an excuse to not putting in the work required in a relationship.
You define.. a gift. ❤
If my husband got his own bedroom I would get a divorce!
Then YOU'LL have your own bedroom. 😊
@@F-J. I need to be able to go through his phone and help him delete all the girls phone numbers before he gets himself tangled. Marriage is exhausting. He even told one girl that he doesn’t speak English 🤣
@@BQ900 You're abusive and controlling... Hope your husband will break free as soon as possible... 😳😱🙈
@@rebekkagasmi9451 🤣🤣🤣yeah I’m the one who sent our son to KSA where he can only be removed by written consent of the father, I’m the one who visits brothels, I’ m the one who shuts my phone off 2 hours a day and works the other 22 hours hardly sleeping. Yeah I am so controlling 🤣🤣🤣
Shared bedrooms were originally born out of poverty. Families shared rooms in olden times because that’s all they had.
Nowadays our parents upgrade us to our own bedroom when we’re 7 years old. Never understood why as adults we
must regress back to sharing a bed.
I’ve been like this my whole life till I met someone who had same disorder and it happened to be her love her so much,that’s when I felt what my exes felt😢
100 % right ... That's me you nailed it .
I had no idea I was doing this until someone pointed it out. Still feel guilty from doing this to him.
my heart will never be broken again ever.
Trauma response. Learn, make wiser choices, express expectations early for that better person for you.
@charlesalleyne1007 Forgive yourself and allow your heart to heal. You will love again 🙏🌷🎈
It's part of life. Just be very careful that you don't become empty
Yea that's one of the reason for such, cos you don't want to fall again and get hurt but the funny thing is they keep taunting you and professing love till you fall for them and then when it comes to prove their love they hurt you not minding you told them your pain and know the reason you were try not to fall is because you are no sure they are genuine.
@@daughteroftheking4775what of if you love and get hurt again? It's unconscious you will develop anxiety and hesitation to love because you don't trust they will not hurt you.
I got disabled while dating a DA. It was a nightmare because the DA saw my actual physical caregiving needs as a form of attempted control. He'd actually jet off around the world and spend most of his time at work just to avoid helping me medically.
I recommend if you have a physical, mental, or developmental disability, or are a caregiver to a family member or child, to never date a DA seriously. They may love you, but they will eventually panic and destroy your life trying to escape to get their independence needs met.
I'm in a relationship like this but I've shifted focus to myself and I don't expect anything from them. My person and I are split up and while at first it hurt me, I dunno what happened. But I've just been there as a supportive loving person while realizing I do deserve better if my now ex doesn't seek healing for her traumas.
Part of me would like this relationship to flourish eventually in time, but I'm not going to wait for it to and I'm also not going to date anyone until I myself work thru the things I need healing from, since I have an anxious attachment style, also not involving myself with anyone until I'm over them.
Become conscious before you enter into relationship. When you're conscious in a relationship you will do one of two things: you will either call your partner out on their shit, or you will leave. You might do both. Remember, if you're going to call your partner out, let them call you out...even if they are incorrect. If you can leave, allow them to leave. If you want space...allow them space. Conscious partnerships, unions, marriages, are not about being correct or incorrect. Its about Knowing. Giving. Receiving. Equality and Balance. Also knowing when to end the commitment with your partner is conscious. It means there's a commitment inside yourself you desire to end.❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
She is brilliant. I'm in that now. I want them and want the reciprocation of what I give. I am realizing now this is what she is. I felt it was my fault. Thank you.
To add more in depth to this, communication with your other behalf. If you can meet half way with them meeting half way. Or Matthew 5:41 in short
Such beautiful hair. Wow
I just don’t trust. Trust is for the lord and your pet.
Same. I cannot trust. I dont make any dramas Nor Control or so
Yes this is apart of it but then don’t get into a relationship. Don’t let ppl think you care then emotionally abandon them. If you know what it’s like to not trust anyone then why break someone else’s trust in YOU. It’s not fair to the other person and is a sign of low emotional intelligence. We’ve all been hurt before. It’s not an excuse to hurt others.
A pet can turn on you for any number of reasons..do you discard them or get them training? A person can turn on you true, but not everyone fits in one bucket
Hi, how do you move from avoidant attachment to secure attachment ?
Communicate when you need space. Find solutions where you and your partner can win. Set aside time for the partner and time for yourself. Be ok with talking about your needs. Give your partner compliments. Be ok with problem solving and not running away:
Therapy please
@@876tishai went from anxious to avoidant sis
Avoidant attachment or avoidant behaviour is also a part of cptsd. So if it is,it'll take more time to heal.
If you've had overbearing parents ( who obvsly don't love you), when you meet a loving man,you're going to have terrible panic attacks. Headsup.
@@rachel14rod I see but why the panic
@@umchileanywaysso it's normal to experience panic when you've never experienced acceptance,love and respect from a man. Your intuition is off regarding this because it has acclimatised to abuse. It feels overwhelming and has you questioning your whole reality. And yes,therapy is needed.
Men also get cptsd .
Takes time to build the like...love is always there
People who have been single a long time like myself can feel this way. I personally like my space and believe both people should have their space to maintain their senses of individuality. Though in Holy Matrimony it is written that two become 1. God should be first in that relationship, so you need alone time with HIM. Then worship and serve HIM together . I personally don’t like feeling emotionally smothered and fear the relationship becoming mundane and boring , that we may lose interest in each other over time, if we spend TOO much time together. Therfore I feel the need for balance …where we give intimacy some space and have something to look forward to on our off days together. I prefer separate rooms and bathrooms. That’s your space, this is mine. That’s your stuff, this is mine . I can spend the night in your bed some nights and you can spend the night in my bed. Obviously as long as we are married of course. It’s not for everyone…but it’s a type of love language I have. 🙏❤
My ex is an avoidant...I got no time for his emotional rollercoaster
You speak the truth, 👏
He is that, I didn't know what was what, he kept gaslighting andI thought if I give more love, he would feel contended! Which unknowingly head pushed him off! It felt so painful he wanted to reach out to me but he would do so at my sleep time so I won't be awake to reply his texts! He felt it safe! Finally he picked up a small reason send left me! I was willing to accept him with his avoidance as well! Truely truely it feels like he is a sweet soul who i'd demon possessed! He was ready to look past all my flaws, even when in distance, he thought of making job changes to accommodate me send lot of those things but when I looked into his soul, he couldn't stand the idea of being close to someone who could rather see him as less than what he portrayed himself to be! I want to tell him I respect him nevertheless, I accept him nevertheless.. But he is not acceptable at all! He predictably picked up a small issue and left me!
I can relate. I want to send this to my 35 yo avoidant son so bad. He hates for me to bring up trauma bullsh*t as he says. 😮
After watching married at first sight I saw this in Eve and Charlie’s relationship on the show.
Charlie is anxious and Eve is dismissive/avoidant same with Richelle
Alot of my pass relationship I've been told I'm not emotionally available but now after been single for 3 years having time to myself 😊, my issue comes from my family/mother but i am working in progress
Biggest problem as a man for me, is when I had a new woman in my life and things progressed she could see the space I wanted, she could see slight measures of my insecurities naturally, nothing crazy. And I can never talk to her about it because they will lose respect for you asap
It’s also manipulation.
It’s a way of avoiding accountability.
It’s a way of leaving yourself ready for a Bigger Better Deal. Or the next shiny object.
That space becomes a cover for secretive and deceptive behaviour.
These behaviours can only be expressed if the person doing them has zero regard for the damage they may cause an intimate partner.
This clearly shows a lack of Empathy.
If this isn’t evidence enough to quietly leave.
Then tap the phone.
Read the enemies mail.
Then leave quietly without an explanation.
Ghost protocol.
🎯
Very true. I have that style, unfortunately. Discovered it only in last 2 years (I'm 62).
lol i can imagine.
I am also one that needs space but i definetely not a cheater and i love as well. Good Love.
But i have very very clear boundaries and i would definetely set up something to keep my independence up because its necessary and very important.
If you dont you are easily sway.
There are some couples that have wonderful harmonious relationship and often go everywhere together, these are just one of a kind i think, and probably very rare.
Myself i would love passionately and ahe will definetely know…
It may not be the same as in the past though… i dont know… Im also healing…
But i havent been with someone for years anyway… and also been… pretty much cut away from women for years.
I do love them pretty creatures though!!
But you know the times we live in?…
Im not very mich preoccupied with finding females….
Even though it is a thought that crosses my mind from time to time….
I feel there are way more important things to think about…
She’s is correct . I learnt the hard way 😔.
Yeah fuck that it nearly ruined me constantly picking out flaws and putting me down and never realising or appreciating the good in me!! Never seeing my love just blamed me for being controlling. Nah I just wanted to spend time with someone who I loved.. iv never been criticised so much in my entire life everything I did or said was wrong.. and the way they act with the other stuff well then you just get blamed for being insecure because you got cheated on previously.. it’s not because of their behaviour because they never see anything wrong with themselves it’s always on you 😢 most painful and hurtful experience Iv probably ever gone through… I put my everything into it but nothing was good enough.. 😢
Ye they just want u to be there relaxed and receive whatever they wanna give whenever they want😌. A little talk about spending time together feels like they are being controlledddd n losing their freedom. Yet they dont know they are the ones controlling.
💯 very controlling even the phone calls were controlled by him I say one thing out of line he would hang up and then ignore me for hours!! Extremely controlling
@ 🤣sameee
Time to cut the toxic cord
This is better reason than one of your other video's... where you said women cheat because they are bored.
I like this woman’s voice.
I have been through this. Never again.
That’s exactly what my ex did, she didn’t know what she wanted