I'm Back 💗 Mental Health Update
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- Опубликовано: 11 авг 2023
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THE BEING SEEN OUTSIDE PART IS SO REAL!! words cannot describe how scared i am to be seen by my neighbors doing literally normal things??? i have such an urge to learn how to roller skate but omg this anxiety disorder HAS HANDS OMg
Just a suggestion, but I have seen roller skaters put down a smooth plywood sheet in their rooms so they can practice footwork. Maybe that could jump-start your skills without neighborhood eyeballs being a thing.
I don't have DID but I experience derealization episodes and the spongebob episode and feeling like your own house is completely foreign totally makes sense to me.
Oh yeah, I was on an antipsychotic I did not need for five years and it's shocking how much better I feel after I quit it. It's worrying how freely they seem to be prescribed
"If you are interested in hearing me talking about my life, and healing, and stuff, and my progress with DID, and stuff, THIS is the video for you!" (I love all your videos but I found you because of your DID content and it's so fascinating to talk about and I appreciate videos like these so much)
Jillian, you make 100% sense to me. The dlc downloading to your brain is a hard process. With my mental health I have had my own persoanl journies.
I have dealt with simular downloaded memories with my PTSD when I would get a random memory recall from it being buried down deep for years. I had narsisistic abuse from age 4 to 27 years old of my life time here and I forgot a lot of my childhood and preteen years of me growing up. I am 29 now and I cut the abuser off two years ago.
I see the healing in me and I am remembering more and doing what I use to do before the abuse hurt me. Abuse does really odd and depressing things to an individual.
I hope that more people are as open as you and other's like myself in expressing these important mental health healing journies. I wish that more awareness to these healing processes and journies are more celebrated becuase it is truly hard to process and reprocess really messed up things that no human deserves to recieve.
narcissistic abuse is an ableist term 😝
@@agkdjsdjkdyeaa i wish ppl stopped using it but i also feel bad pointing it out cuz ik how important it is for ppl to have an easy quick way to describe what they went thru w/o having to explain it. but yea the term is rlly ableist lol
@@poslv9029 i don't feel bad lol, not my responsibility to and not yours either
@iloveuuuuus then what is it called then if not that terminology? I'm just curious to know bc I thought that was a term to use when someone who has narcissistic tendencies would behave. Idk tho.
@@stinkyrat3744 emotional abuse
As someone whose anxiety can be triggered by emails (or rather, my anxiety levels are reflected in how well I can handle work emails), I am so happy for you!!! When my anxiety is bad, I react to perfectly pleasant emails as if someone is threatening me with violence. I freeze. I sob. A single email may be my only work-related accomplishment that day. When I’m doing better, I can read and respond with hardly any stress, and it feels so good! So yeah, when you say you sent two emails today, I get it’s a big deal. :D
1. The outfit is giving little miss Berry vibes
2. It seems like a healing process in your system is like that one asian pottery art I learned about: Where gold is used to glue back ceramic items like bowls, vases, etc.
The fragments you've fused with so far (Ramona & 18) are the gold keeping your system/you together.
I am so happy for your continued growth & newfound peace. :)
I love these rambley vidoes because it feels like when you stay up a lil too late with a friend and you reach that 2am enlightenment where you can talk about all your insecurities together. Its so nice and i really appreciate you sharing this journey with us!
Also not to get personal in the RUclips comments section but im ngl i am this close to dyeing my hair rainbow cause youve really given me the confidance to openly love bright and colourful things again and ita made me feel so happy with myself and how i look in the mirror. Idk being a beaming ray of rainbow-ness makes me more interested in having a body in th best way possible so thank you for that
Idk why but I just want functional multiplicity… for us all to help each other on the inside rather than some being able to “take over”. I actually find some part of me gets really upset when we think someone is suggesting we should all fuse into one… but hearing what you’re saying makes it sound less scary, but lately I’ve been thinking of and trying to define my identity more… my core self identity and it’s really hard!
I'm glad you're slowly getting better (as in not being as afraid as terrified and able to enjoy things) We're rooting for you Pixie!
Thank u so much 🥰🫶🏻💕
the host of our system also had a fusion with two fragments that we just met days before the fusion fully happened, so they started to fuse before we met them! i hope your feel valid, because you are, and we love you so so much! i'm a caretaker, i take care of the littles, and those little girls LOVE your sistem. xoxo - mia
we're commenting as we watch the video. when i fused with those two fragments, i felt a lot like you. i'm so much more responsible, focused, strong and capable of doing things right now. - isabella (& mia)
I have watched your channel for years and years, so hearing you say that you have had such positive growth and healing really made me happy for you.
8:12 a similar thing happened to me a few months ago.
I recently realized I’m in an osdd-1a system and I have made contact with most of my parts. When I made contact with a younger, pre-trauma part and they fronted for the first time, we remembered how to tap dance.
I only took lessons for a few years as a kid and I thought I forgot them forever. I’ve been wanting to try learning again but was afraid my muscle memory was too far gone. I’m very happy that this child version of me still remembers and has been able to reintroduce a skill to the rest of us.
We’re all happy to hear of how your journey is progressing! Thank you for continuing to share . ( ^ω^ )
someone in my life has been struggling a lot mentally as of late, and it's so great to hear from someone who is on their healing journey. it's great to know that it gets better for everyone
I really relate to time travel back in time!! I've taken naps and woke up feeling like in a certain year in the past with a random song of that year stuck in my head!! I so glad you share your mental health stories being so aware of it helps people so much!!❤
working out with pixie on the background, it makes me think about so much about myself and comfortable
thank you for always doing a great job here on RUclips, you been a big part of my comfort sense 2020💓
i would never put into words how much you helped me
ahhh sending you so much love and I hope u are taking good care of yourselves during these fusions (and also just generally)!! you seem to have progressed so much in this journey and it’s so nice to see! I can only imagine how relieving but also confusing a fusion might be. sending so so much love💗🌈✨
I'm so happy to hear about this step in your healing journey! So so proud of you&!! ❤️
sending so much love 🫶🏻 so proud of you for listening to your instincts & understanding of yourself, and i’m so so glad this fusion has been feeling so positive for you!!!
im so happy youre all doing better!!! love watching updates like this because im going through mental health changes and getting through it together
I'm so glad you guys have been able to progress in your healing and continue living your life. I hope things continue to get easier and y'all continue to be happier and healthier
IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!! I’ve watched your channel off and on since I was like 10 (?) and I’ve always really admired your humor, style, and welcoming personality. Seeing you now living at your best and being genuinely joyful gives me a lot of hope for my own future! Live and love well❤
Always happy to hear about your& and others healing journeys. Wishing you& all the best and lots of love 🫂🌈💞💞
Oh wow so much I didn't know about you after all these years.
Because I saw videos of you studying, travelling, going to conventions and things I can't do as a Spoonie/ slightly agorophobic person.....I had no idea that in between that you had such bad GAD.
Just goes to show just because you have a very full life it doesn't mean in between the weeks or months you do an event that you don't stay inside your house a lot.
Maybe not as often as me 😅 but enough that this fusion has made such a positive impact.
Wow. Well done!
So glad to hear things are slowly but surely getting better even if it can be kinda confusing and that jerrick maybe doesnt feel compelled to always front out of fear/necessity to take control of the situation. I wish y'all the best, and become the best version of pixie you can be whether thats singular or plural 💕
We've had fusions, but I don't know if we've had any like you're describing. It's definitely interesting and you're so valid
"I wonder how many times im gonna have to heal my bpd but in different parts of me" 18:51 goddamn thats a mooodd💞💗🪷💖💝🍓🌼
the metaphor I use when something gets unearthing in therapy is like a lockbox in my brain gets opened and all the contents spill out everywhere! I had one experience where I made a realization and it felt like the lockbox I had burred all my thought and feelings from that time in my life got opened up and spilled everywhere. Its a wild thing to go through! I'm glad you guys are healing and getting better
I’m happy that you’re happy. I’m in the hospital not feeling my greatest so I enjoy seeing others able to be feeling at their better selves!
2017/8 was around the period of time when i first watched your channel and fell in love with the ✨pixie magic✨ you imbue in everything. i remember you designing your house in the sims (which i am doing now !!! hahaha) and i was just so inspired by the way you could display your personality across your house. it's really great to see you making progress on your mental health journey, and being so candid about the whole thing as well - remember progress isn't linear so if you find yourself feeling worse at any point, remember to hold compassion for yourself! you got this 💖
Thank you again for your vids! I’ve watching you for so long and you helped understand myself a lot better. I have did too and I really really appreciate this one today. Maaaaan…Not functioning its so hard, and I can’t wait to see myself like you are right now
I love you i really do. Thank you for your presence and your art and magical amazing words.
I just wanted to say, we're the same age, and I've followed your journey since 2015 and your words have always helped, and your videos always seem to turn up when I need them most. I have bp and adhd and you are not alone! the endless anxiety, and days on days spent trying to calm down fears (usually irrational). social anxiety to the max. constant thoughts and fears of death (either self or others) the way the world outside your front door feels like a warzone. I can't pretend to fully relate to the experiences of did but I can relate to a lot of the additional baggage that comes from a life of trauma, and living with the highs and lows of mood and personality disorders. You're an inspiration to myself and many others! So proud of how far you've come and thankful you're so willing to voice these experiences to help others feel less alone. 💞💕
I love hearing about your did journey, you're so strong!
I don’t leave comments often but I am so happy for you! & watching this gave me some hope for myself. I really relate to some of the things you said & hearing that you reached a happier place and that it is possible to do so was what I needed to hear! Thanks for always lifting my mood with your vids 💕✨
Wow 💝 I donʻt have DID, but the part about skipping and timetravelling is hugely relatable
Loved this video, I'm so happy for you that you got to make this step on your healing journey!
Seeing this vid on my feed motivated me to finally get out of bed, so I can spend my slow morning with your video playing in the background 🥰
Aw that sounds so nice good morning!!! 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
Im really glad you all are on this healing journey 🌸🫶✨️🩷 mental health is so dynamic, and anxiety and trauma can be so disregulating but this progress (even really small moments!!!) are all steps towards understanding and living and loving🫶🩷 🫂 I wish yous peace and gentleness and growth and love all going forward and support yous through all of it!!!! 🌸💓💐🌷
I’m glad someone also struggles with the being insecure and like deathly afraid of abandonment, I get the same way and it’s been pretty bad for me lately so thank you for sharing your experiences with it makes me feel a bit better💕💕💕
This was such a lovely video 💕 I am so happy to hear that things are better and you feel excited about being you and alive again 💗💗💗
this sounds awesome! Good job on the healing 🌟
So proud of you!!!!!!! I hope I can get as far as you are!!
Oh, new update! This is so lovely. I hope you’re alright! Lots of love.
You sound so much more like you did circa 2018! Congratulations on the progress :) You're doing so well! so proud of you
"it's a full-time job pacing around your kitchen feeling unsafe" is such a mood! I have CPTSD nad EMDR this year has helped a ton, but I also get annoyed whenever I get triggered bc I *know* it's gonna pass but that's half of me, the other half is scared and triggered AF and needs to be taken care of for hours (if not days)
You’re experiencing an awakening and complete healing ❤😘blessings dear one.
Your content means so much to me 💖 it's lovely to see you move forward with mental health stuff, gives me hope and motivation to try my best too! Neurodivergent mentally ill peeps who love magical girls stick together 🌈
As someone who doesn't have DID (though I do deal with depersonalisation and derealisation, among other things lol), these fusions make perfect sense to me.
Obviously take with a grain of salt here because I don't have the condition and am in no way a professional: A part like Jerr is such a big, fully formed person, whereas these smaller parts you've been fusing with seem to be more subtle and perhaps the most similar to you, therefore fusion could well be easier for that reason, especially if a part literally is a younger Jill frozen in time for whatever reason.
Heck, there are theories that even neurotypical people become very subtly different moment to moment, as time passes, so it wouldn't be surprising if you experienced even subtler fusions that you don't even notice, that would be more akin to just...having an epiphany, or changing your mind about something. Whereas the bigger fusions that you actually notice and feel in your jellies, that would be your brain's way of using metaphor to communicate bigger changes and bigger forms of healing to you.
Either way, it's a very good thing, and I hope you continue to heal and feel better and better, whatever that ends up looking like!
im so happy to hear youre feeling good after this fusion!! ♡ sending sooooo much love to the whole system! i hope yall are continuing to heal everyday and having many smiles 🖤❤️🖤❤️✨✨ Love u pixie!
Thank u so so so much 🥺💕🫶🏻✨🌈💗💕
@@Pixielocks always!! 🥰✨🖤❤️🌹🍓🖤
13:15 oh my god i just finished tapering off my seroquel for sleep- which i had been on an extremely high dose for nearly a decade, and it’s like my whole world is so much clearer and brighter. i can wake up every day in the actual morning time and have energy to do things and i feel like myself again. which is so crazy because i had been on it for so long, it was just a part of my life but now it’s like a haze has been lifted and it’s incredible. getting off a medication you truly don’t need to be on is one of the most freeing feelings in the world. im so glad you’re doing better and so proud that you’re able to email and go outside!!! /gen
I havent been able to directly link it to anything like closure or fusions but i totally get the "im suddenly way more aware of/remember certain things" but simultaneously "these memories that were me no longer feel like mine". We usually associate it with a new host taking front but we're not nearly as coconscious as we used to be after some traumatic stuff the past handful of years, so we dont really feel confident why it happens. But it was nice hearing other systems experience these shifts that are just. So difficult to explain. It was nice to hear you expound on it though our experiences are not identical.
"I'm waking up at 8am everyday" that's awesome. I know how hard getting the body into a regular sleep pattern is.
How does it feel? How has your life changed being more of a morning person/people now?
Yes it’s been incredible honestly 😭 I feel so much more alive idk like feeling the morning air and sunshine on my porch and being able to work way more hours has been so life changing 💗
@@Pixielocks Wow! That's so good, I'm so happy for you. You could even check your Vitamin D levels and see how they improve naturally!
I'm still a night owl but this year I moved to a place with a garden! 🏡 And I stopped needing supplements for my Vit D! ☀️ I was so happy! 🌞
@@mikelong372 We don’t have any vampire or nocturnal alters haha and we have an alarm set!! We are rocking with pretty functional multiplicity atm so all alters try to work as a team to keep our life running smoothly which includes sticking to routines, especially for work :)
holy crap I have never felt more seen watching this! The description of memory being downloaded like a DLC is so perfect, that is exactly what its like for us. Thank you for making these videos about your DID even though some cowards on the internet have tried to silence you. As a fellow system, we really appreciate it. (really cute look in this video btw) Love y'all!
Im so happy that all of you’re doing good and well
i love your mental health and fashion videos more than like 99% of the videos on youtube. you and of herbs and altars are the main reason i use youtube. your videos are so comforting!! also i think you'd love gilmore girls if you've never watched it :))
it's really weird/funny/validating to see someone else talk about the weird I Stopped Having This Genre Of Anxiety thing because i have never seen anyone else talk about it but it really is SO sudden!!! it was very different for me (i do not have DiD so my experiences are obvs different) but i had a few years where i was EXTREEEEEEMELY anxious about social situations and friendships and how i came off to other people and then around 2018/19 some Harrowing Personal Shit happened in my family and once i came out of the other end of it, it really was like that undercurrent of fear had just vanished - i have described it as like my brain was in a microwave for years getting bombarded with rays then it went 'ding!' and was done cooking and i was fine LOL.
ANYWAY SORRY FOR THE RAMBLING SLIGHTLY OVER PERSONAL COMMENT i had just literally never seen anyone talk about going through that change and how startling and abrupt it is, even though it's a positive change, so it was nice to feel a bit Seen about it
I had this experience of my anxiety (and some of the harmful depressed thoughts I was having any time something bad happened) disappearing when I started on medication for ADHD.... I've been on many different antidepressants that have done jack shit haha but it's like I'm a different person! I spent a bit of time in the first couple of months being like "omg all my friends will hate me because I'm so much louder, unfiltered, outgoing, different" but of course they don't haha
@@helenm1085 absolutely same! my ADD meds have really helped me filter myself automatically so i stop being so worried about what i'm gonna say. when i got on my meds, i was able to actually pay attention to the people around me for the first time instead of just worrying about myself, and i realized most of my friends kinda sucked LOL. but yeah, after meds and therapy, i feel pretty confident saying i don't have social anxiety anymore. still, part of me thinks, "well, you thought you didn't have it in high school, but really it was just less insanely severe than it was in middle school, so like. is it REALLY gone now?" so it's nice to hear from others who have kicked their anxiety in some way
there’s too many thoughts and feelings to specify but just know i desperately needed this video!! like augh, *everything* hit home.
Great update! May you slay onward and upward!
Yayyyy thank u mama excited to see u :)
Omg joyful Jill is my favorite Jill! (We love the whole pixie system in any mood to be clear!)
I have OSDD and huge memory gaps. It’s very upsetting, but also I assume it’s useful and for a reason. I was just diagnosed this year and since OSDD doesn’t really have a fusion “option” lol I’m not sure how to get these DLCs. Though that would be cool if and when my brain is ready.
Thanks you for being open and honest and super cute 💖🍓✨
OMG you have just put into words exactly what I have been experiencing but couldn't find the words to explain. Thank you thank you thank you so much. On one one level I feel like I had lived so many lives. I mean there were times when I was telling my friend about my past and things I had done and even though I could list events they just felt like they didn't belong to me. and places I have lived have always felt that way too. That's why so often when I talk about my life people say to me and how did you feel about it because they get that sense of disconnect. I often sit up and look at things and think how and when did I get here. Oh and what you said about knowing the lyrics you hadn't listened to in years hit me like a ton of bricks. If you asked anyone what music I liked they would probably list you any number of pop songs, but whenever it was that I heard about the death of Chester Bennington of Linkin Park I put on some of their music to see if I had even heard of them and straight away word for word I was able to sing the songs they played at the tribute concert. It was absolutely horrifying to me but it also brought back some relatively happy memories of times I spent just being able to relax in my own space and relate to someone else, not his exact situation because he really was a tortured soul, but it was just a reminder of how much I loved his voice, because pop queen or not now he was so talented. Definitely one of my earlier crushes if I am honest. Anyway...🤭 Once again thank you so much and I wish you all the best in your healing. Carly 🤗x
I love your videos and im glad you are feeling safer and better
i can relate to this! i’m plural but i don’t have DID, i don’t think a fusion happened for me but i hit a point after living in pure survival mode after an extreme trauma + living with grief for three years where i woke up one day and was like “i feel ready to stop living like this.” it was such a dramatic shift and suddenly i felt capable of waking up early, actually going to class and doing my work as a university student, cooking, cleaning my apartment. all the things that were so fucking hard when i was deeply in depression and living in grief, i felt like i was just treading water and suddenly i got my goals and plans for the future and ability to function so much better back. it’s an amazing feeling, obviously all my mental health issues aren’t solved but i just feel so much more able to take on life and i’m so glad you’re experiencing that too. for me i think i owe so much of it to EMDR and being able to feel safe confronting trauma in that space and creating a place in my brain for that trauma to live so that it wasn’t always bleeding into every moment of my day to day life. i’m so happy for you and excited to see everything you’re able to accomplish now that you have created more space for yourself and have more ability to swim rather than just tread water 🩷
we love yall
I don't always know what to comment on these videos, but I'm so glad to hear things have been feeling easier for you 💕
these are the only videos that make me feel seen and validated
I've noticed that personally a ton of my BPD symptoms overlap with DID. I completely understand the unfamiliarity and feeling like you downloaded an update. lol It feels like adding DLC sometimes. I experience real and total psychosis and waking up from that is so eeriely similar. like feeling like you woke up in a new place even though it's your house you've been in for years. hang in there girlie. We love you tons and a lot of us understand what you're feeling. keep on going! We love to see your success
its really interesting how you describe that the dance and lyrics were totally gone from your mind but then after this they were there. i obviously dont have the same experience as you to compare, but i related to it in a small way in that it can happen during dreams like somehow you have a dream where in the dream its fully accurately utilizing information that while awake you had no memory of that you could access but somehow the dream could access it
PIXIE HOLY SHIT THE EMAIL THING. IK HOW HARD THATS BEEN FOR U - IM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR BEING ABLE TO DO THAT. I HOPE ONE DAY I CAN GET TO THAT POINT TOO !!! :)
Yes!! i believe since moving away from my mom we've fused at least a couple times. I keep getting like... slight flashes to when I was a kid and these memories are old but I''ve sure never seen em!! I know I've fused with a little or atleast someone who was around when I was a kid because of those memories and some really hardcore feelings of wanting to be a kid again. It hurts a lot but it also feels so good to feel... idk, more put together? like you said with the puzzle piece comparision! anyway Pixie, I hope you're doing well and I wish you the best. You make me happy!!💕💕💞💞
Congrats Pixie!
I love how nicely you describe all the complexity. We could never.
Wellbutrin is 🙌, I started in May & within 2.5 weeks I felt that puzzle piece "click"😊. It literally changed my journey.
ggod jill you made me feel so seen with the switching from joking to serious. We do that all the timme.
"It's a fulltime job pacing around your kitchen and feeling unsafe!"
Maaan if only we could put it on our resume somehow. haha
AAAA HI!! Just arrived at my holiday cottage for the week and I’m having a wee panic attack and sensory overload so this is providing some welcome cozy and familiar vibes rn while I chill out 💕 much love
Aw sending regulating calm cozy vibes!!! 🫶🏻💕🫶🏻💕🫶🏻
@@Pixielocksthank you so much 🫶🏻🥹💕
Im so happy to hear you finding more peace, and im happy it sounds like Jer is finding more peace (that's how I understood it, apologies if it's not correct). Also glad to hear the dream team is thriving 😊
much love to y’all 🫶💞
The way you describe fusion really reminds me of a video game, like a metroidvania where you've unlocked a new skill.
If we've had any fusions I'm not aware of them. We've only been diagnosed for a year, though. Working together a lot easier now but still very much fumbling around.
There is totally some fear around fusion though so it's nice to hear that it's been so positive for you guys!!
I'm glad that you're feeling better! 💗🍓❤️
Take care of yourself! 😉😘
The little editing :) smiley face made me happy :)
:)
Your videos always make me feel seen
I really appreciate you jill for always talking about this ive been told that i prob have something similiar and i feel exactly how you feel maybe i should go back to a therapist 😅❤
PIXIEEE I am so happy you posted this!! As someone who’s healing from trauma and derealisation it is so valuable ❤ also off topic but that shirt is ADORABLE where is it from? 👀👀
Awe thank you 🥺🫶🏻💗 it’s from Nile Perch, jfashion brand!!! Hard to google (u will get weird fish) but they are on twitter and stuff!! 💕🫶🏻🌈💗
I hope this doesn’t sound sarcastic but I really do appreciate the small trigger warnings you add before going into sensitive topics :)
thats amazing 😊 i used to suffer from extreme paranoia and depression. I couldnt leave my house without needing an urgent reason. I had trouble sleeping, fearing terrible things would happen to me. I went through it all mostly alone, because trying to get psychological and psychiatrical help was always so emotionally taxing and i felt i got no help anyways. Sessions too short, and no one would listen to all i wanted to say because understandably they wanted to focus on treatment, but so many memories and fears haunted me i just wanted someone to understand and not just "treat" me blindly.
Anyway, i am doing much better now! as a teen 10 years ago i remember being so depressed and lost, with no motivation at all, just going through life, waiting to die but fearing it with all my being. Now i actually have goals and motivations!! and i am strong enough to work towards them! i am in school again :D and i learned to study!! hopefully i can start uni next year and actually get a job haha 😅 and hopefully i am doing well enough that when i do get a job, i dont have to quit because of all the panic attacks i eventually got in the past. But i am optimistic!! My life is so much more stable, and even though my emotions swing dramatically when things change and go badly, i am much more prepared and stronger to get through life anyways.
I still sometimes wish i could get psychological or psychiatric help. Life is so hard still, specially when i am not doing well. And yes, i am not doing well all the time. But i am greatful for the progress i have made even without it. And i hope you enjoy your best life and get even happier as time goes on and healing continues ❤
I don't have DID but I am bipolar type 2 and had a moment with my meds that I just call the fear months. I was afraid to go outside, I was afraid I'd die over everything. I was afraid everyone was going to die, I couldn't sit in a room alone by myself other than my own room. But now I'm good, I'm also on Wellbutrin. 😊
You’re really good at explaining things. I don’t have DID and don’t know anyone personally who does but your description of what you experienced (especially the dlc thing) makes a lot of sense! Thanks for sharing, I’m always so grateful to be able to learn more :D
oh yea earlier this year i woke up with like several new alters and a ton of memories from like, five years ago and prior. i think they brought a lot of turmoil to my system cause they basically didnt know they were trans yet? and we're sort of like, helping the younger parts of ourselves transition. but its taken a while to figure out whats going on. its also rough cause the more i remember and work on it and heal, the more dysphoric i get.
i appreciate your openness and vulnerability (i know how difficult dealing with the stigma can be) just hearing other people talk about how things happen in their system helps me so much
go pixie!!! i'm cheering for you so much! :)
Yaas!! Wellbutrin QUEEN (me too!! :) )
i’m so glad i’m not the only one who deals with those intrusive thoughts at bed time 😭 not sure if mines a bpd thing or an anxiety thing
Cheering for you! ❤
I am so so so excited for you! We talked on twitter a few months ago about you going off of seroquel and im so happy it’s helped! I’m on seroquel for bipolar along with an anti depressant but what made a HUGE difference for me was going down on the amount of stimulant I was taking. I went to taking 1/3 of the amount I was on before and I no longer had daily heart racing, I stopped always constantly thinking about what I need to do and what I could be getting done instead of being in the present and my anxiety got so much better! It was the same feeling you described where you didn’t know things could be better than they were until they actually got better. I’m so happy you’re doing well 💖🌈💜🫶🏻
Yay!! pixie upload day is upon us!🎉 Love u💖🫰
For me it's usually* a _lack_ of event that triggers it, and it isn't tied to a particular part or personality, it's generally something all of us were unable to process and shoved into a box in the corner, but I'll hit a point in my life where I haven't been too stressed out for a little while and have some room to process and them BAM years worth of memories and a major life event or two slam back into my brain when I could not have remembered them if I tried the day before, not even if something physically reminded me of it like a diary page or something. Then suddenly I remember whole shows I watched at the time, whole relationships I had, and the trauma, the sense of having skipped forward in time, and I have to process it and decide how to proceed. I think it happens because the 3 of us that are left are fairly integrated and don't really keep things from each other completely, or are _mostly_ co-conscious at this point, so if there's something so big we truly can't cope with it, it ends up in a box/compartment SO completely by itself that the sum of the memories in it can't form a distinct personality of their own and we all just ignore those given memories because we don't know it's there. ... I do not know "who" counts as the arbitrator for those things, I don't think any of us are in conscious control of it. [If we ever find who is, so forking help us...]
The way the three of us formed were distinct from these extreme trauma boxes [it's not that we aren't traumagenic it was more 'suddenly everything and the role we filled changing over night/a week' multiple times during key developmental phases, or the sum of things we weren't allowed to be over a period of years, still traumatic but not one single unprocessed event, that we know of, if that makes sense? We never split exactly so much as got shut down one piece at a time and put away, so someone else could develop over us until we woke up one day to realize there was someone new to us already occupying the body, Idk who else experiences DID that way] and we do hold -at least the emotional attachment to- somewhat distinct memory sets, but it's more like we're each a box that came to hold so many things for so long, either put away in fragments or made of things that started as fragments, that had to be set aside, that there was enough to form a whole person in there? So a person did form and came out of the box and folded the box up and tossed it [or made a playhouse/bedroom out of it to very occasionally hide in? To follow the imagery/metaphor]. But there are some things that are just so heavy, just such a weighty cluster of interconnected inextricable things around one dense core of something bad, that it would be stupid to put them in a box with anything else [too heavy]. So they don't become a whole person or mode of being, they're just one sucky horrible cluster of things.
Those are the boxes that will just open themselves, activate, and make themselves known at some, probably inconvenient, point. Either because nothing is happening, or because the exact SAME thing just happened again.
Even if one of us fronting when they haven't in a long time, or being forced to the front by a trigger, also feels like skipping time, or even though when we get stressed there can be a serious delay in memory sharing that feels like lost time, these boxes of memories are a whole different experience. Forgot being in a wholeass car crash and the way I was treated surrounding it for over 15 years once, oops. Forgot whole friendships even existed for countless years and just simply unreasonable amounts of time. It can be _really_ weird the way the memory sets impact your personality so suddenly that it feels like a switch to another headmate while you're still consciously yourself. Usually that feeling comes from someone else having been out but it was just you+. Well, generally it's one of us+ or all of us having our own separate + about it, depending on who was out at the time, if that makes sense? Sometimes one or two of me can process something under their own lens and one of me still dumps it back in a box, or hands it off, consciously that time.
The worst is when it comes with a nasty surprise like "You've dealt with this _with this person_ before but the stress of it made you forget, leaving you inconveniently vulnerable to it again" that makes you want to kick the butt of whatever mechanism decided that even your protective personalities didn't need to remember. Other times it can be more positive but it always feels like your mind is being blown open, and I feel like "HOW DO I KNOW ALL THESE LYRICS _suddenly_" is probably a relatively common frustration, at least more common than any of us thinks. **Yells "I don't even know this song!" About a song I just sang all the lyrics to in my kitchen and haven't thought about for 20 years and can't remember having learned to begin with... yet** Then you're interrogating each other about which one of you it's even coming from, but it's just coming from a box or file in the corner. And all you know is that whatever is in there hasn't seen fresh air in years, and this is going to be a _trip_.
For me, it's the sole thing that happens anymore, as of having become 3 relatively integrated distinct parts, and was also mostly the only kind of BIG memory thing I dealt with for the majority of my adult life back when there were 4 of us in here. I'd say it's more familiar to me/us than a lot of other DID related experiences, certainly more than fully unconscious parts that have a separate sense of self from the rest of us being discovered. I guess it's like, until one or more of us are actively hiding, once one of my parts becomes conscious for the first time, we remain locked in a co conscious state with little exception?? I wasn't even ready to define those memory boxes with single events in them as DID related necessarily, so much as being caused by the same underlying mechanism as DID, being a brain that tends towards dealing with stress through compartmentalization and selective amnesia, if that makes sense? Like the way my brain is hardwired causes both those things. I didn't actually consider it might be a common experience with DID or that other people might conceptualize it differently. I don't actually engage with our community or talk about my experiences with other systems at all that much. *Am now realizing one of my brain spaces IS a 'physical' space and looks like a dark old timey filing room??*
GUYS OMG IM BALLING HAPPY AND SAD TEARS AT THE SAME TIMM I WAS WATCHING SMILE PRECURE (i use to watch glitter force but now i wanted to see it during my precure bing watch) THE ENDING HAD MY CRYING I WATCHED GLITTER FORCE EVER SINCE I WAS 3 AND NOW I FINALLY SEE THE ENDING IM CRYING OMG I FUFILLED A CHILDHOOD DREAM TODAY I STOPPED SEEING THEM AS DRAWINGS BUT AS HUMANS INSTEAD OML I LOVE CANDY SM!!!!!!!
It’s so funny to me when you talk about the Japan trip because I remember watching the kawaii video and thinking your voice and like way of talking were SO different, I thought maybe you were nervous and it just came out weird because of that. When you introduced Flora I was like OH MY GOD IT WAS HER. Hindsight is crazy!
Welcome back, love your style as always. I feel like having a schedule has kept me sane for a few years now, it's like I have no time to be "moody" and I realize I just needed to do something to keep me sane, and that happened to be a job. I had less time to mope around and feel depressed, haha. Also, what is that Harajuku pink thing with your books on the right side?