10:06: ….are you tryin’ to make me feel better, cuz you know I’m sad? Pearl: *_tiny blink_* _Is it working?_ animals heal I love you, Victor! You matter!
This was incredibly relatable. I was bullied on and off for almost my entire school career until Covid hit in 2020. Anything was fair game. My height, weight, acne, my interests, and the clothes I wore. Also, being diagnosed with ADHD was helpful,but I was considered different from other kids because of my brain being wired differently. I was slammed into lockers and was in the principal’s office so much reporting this behavior. Though the school never did anything about it. It got to the point I didn’t want to go to school in the fourth grade and switched schools. Anytime I would be “asked out” in middle school and high school, It was as a joke because I was “weird and ugly”. Even today, there are moments when I have had people give compliments and immediately thinking “where’s the punchline”. Though now I’m thriving and accepting of myself. Even though there are those little moments. Honestly, children can be so cruel and you didn’t deserve a single second of that. ❤ (Also massive apology for the wall of text. However, thank you for openness.)
My story: being born with a cleft palate and hare lip, I've bullied all my life and stared at, laughed at. All the names under the sun. Been told I should kill myself as I'm ugly and bot worth anything was the worst. Hated secondary school as I went to a girls school which is the worst! Had all my operations and still struggle now as I keep hearing all the comments. Married to an amazing man and have two amazing parents who love me etc but still struggle to take good comments and look in the mirror. Always wishing I was someone else and 'normal' whilst trying to remember what I was told by the doctor who helped me alot when I asked can you make me look normal? His replied was explain what normal is? As there isn't. I need to keep listening to those who care and love rather then those bullies xx
You are a beautiful man I got bullied for my gap teeth anything that made me an individual I got bullied for it he'll I got bullied for being emotional mind you this was in elementary school
Me too. I am openly Gay and on the Autism Spectrum. And I live in a highly conservative city in West Virginia and I am surrounded by toxic people and toxic situations.
I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that bullying. Children and some adults are horrible and cruel. Glad you found yourself and are happy. You are very handsome and beautiful inside and out. I still need to make myself believe in myself as I still believe what I've been told. Even Matthew says lovely things but I find it difficult to believe. I need to be more like you! xx
Growing up my main issue was more with my personality than my physical appearance. I am Autistic and ADHD, but was undiagnosed until recently, so it was the way I interacted with people that made them look at me weird or give me those weird silences where they just stand their awkwardly and don't say anything because people don't like honesty and I am honest to a fault. I was an outcast long before I even started high school because of my inability to understand the unwritten rules of socializing. I was not unattractive and when I got to high school I eventually found the alternative people and was able to have "friends" and even had a couple boyfriends, but my view of myself was still warped and contaminated by the expectation of AFAB people in this world. I still didn't feel beautiful, I was not at the level of beauty that many of my unattainable peers were. I became "hot" or "sexy", mostly I think because I dressed a bit revealing and I had boobs. It was not my face that mattered and I quickly realized that sex or the possibility of sex was how I was attractive. This obviously did not go well for my mental health and I had a number of issues and dark moments in my young life. I eventually became an adult and ventured out into the adult world where my AuDHD was still a problem and my appearance became something I put on the back burner. In my mid twenties I began to gain weight and my appearance became a main focus again, oh no I am becoming "ugly". And I still struggle with this to this day, even though I have also discovered I am non-binary. In my discovery of being non-binary I tried to dress more androgynously in the hopes of making myself attractive by adding some masculinity into the mix. This however was not the solution, I enjoy dressing feminine and the way I dress is not solving my inner turmoil of whether I feel attractive or not. ALL societal labels are bullshit and made up and I realized that I just need to try to remind myself of that and decide how I want to label myself as myself. I am a non-binary femme person and I love wearing pretty dresses, because it's fun and it makes me happy. None of us fit into the boxes of society because humans are not perfect squares. We are like stars, burning masses of chaos with jagged edges that never stay the same. It's okay to not be a square, be a star in all your chaos. (Sorry for the wall of text, but this is an important and prominent issue in my life as well.)
The gaslighting is so real. I had a somewhat similar experience (in this ONE way; in no form am I trying to relate my petty life struggles to those of the trans community) in that I was always teased for being too tall, getting called "fish lips" or "the four-eyed frog" (too wide-eyed even without the travesty of glasses, I assume is what they meant) ... until I a modeling scout found me. It's amazing how something arbitrary to the state of one's actual looks can completely shift the way they're perceived by their peers. It was really interesting to hear you speak about the difference in standards of beauty between the genders from your unique lens. Do you think male beauty standards are evolving to be more like female ones in terms of being less and less attainable? Or do you think it's still largely a matter of blanket acceptance for boys and men out of sheer gender politics? Lately, it seems like my social media feeds are choked with content about mewing or male skincare ads, and Reddit keeps shoving "looksmaxxing" content onto my FYP even though I don't engage with any of that content. My boyfriend is convinced that he doesn't have to be handsome because he's smart and funny (he's a fool-- he's very handsome, at least to me lol), but he's definitely of the firm opinion that life is easier for boys who fit a Zac Efron-esque ideal. Do you feel there's been a different response in terms of the level of love-bombing after your transition from particular subsets of people? Or has it been an onslaught of profuse compliments across the board? I'd love to hear you speak more on your experiences in the world having seen things from both sides of the gender fence. It's always such a great day whenever I see you pop up on my notifications! And, for what it's worth, I was thinking all throughout your video that your skin looked really supple and glowy :) May you and yours enjoy a phenomenal Easter holiday, Victor The Paragon of Handsomeness (feel free to print that on your business cards :p)
I had a bit of a different experience when it comes to my struggle with feeling beautiful and my transition. I was more severely bullied when i was younger, in elementary school and early secondary school, but around grade 9 people started to tolerate me because for the first time I had a solid group of friends and I was also considered reasonably attractive for a girl. Behind the scenes i struggled with an ED and other mental health issues and I spent an hour doing my make up before school every morning, but being tolerated and for the most part just ignored by the people who used to hate me affirmed me in continuing those behaviors. Realizing that I wasnt a woman felt great but actually taking steps in the way of transitioning was hard because I was losing my privilege of feminine beauty and also exposing a fresh new weak spot to everyone around me. A lot of people around me "mourned" my looks and told me that I would be ugly as a guy, and especially in the early stages of my transition that affected me a lot.
I went through very similar experience in middle school, and when I watched your video I closed my eyes and it was like a flash back into my childhood, kids can be extremely cruel but also some adults. For instance in my neighborhood we had a woman who worked as a nurse and yet she told her daughter and other kids right in front of me that they should avoid playing with me because I might be contagious, that day I ran home crying but did not tell my mom right away only the next day my mom finally got me to talk. At the time I was only 12 years old I was born with optic nerve hyperplasia and as a result I have nystagmus, this is not contagious and that person as a nurse should have known that but even if I was sick with something contagious how could she do that? For context I was born and raised in Ukraine 🇺🇦 and it was a long time ago in 1992. That summer I told my mom and dad that I would rather read books and learn something new every day, my dad hired English language tutor and that put me on a path that later shaped my life and career choices. Fast forward to now, i live in the United States on the West coast and work as a Ukrainian interpreter for people with limited English. Victor, thank you so much for your openness and as always wonderful video ❤❤❤ 😊.
Thank you so much for sharing your story 🫂❤️ You have achieved so much! I'm so sorry people have been cruel, but you are a testament to where determination gets you.
It really doesn't seem to matter to kids/people. If they view you as a threat in anyway the cruelty starts and doesn't end. To my "friends" growing up I was too tall, too pale, too skinny, too smart for my own good, and too weird. I never liked my body and always felt awkward and gangly because of the things they constantly said. I never bothered to look in the mirror until I reached my 20s. Plot twist! I am an attractive female. I have been told that I am, in fact, quite beautiful and I have always been very beautiful. I've had strangers walk up to me and ask if I am a model. It shocks me every time because my "friends" made me believe I wasn't. The pain remains. I am healing. I now have true friends who are kind and love me. Yes, I am tall. Yes, I am pale. Yes, I am thin. Yes, I am a nerd who loves learning. Yes, I am really really weird, but I am happy. It isn't easy to learn to like yourself, but it is worth the effort. You are worth the effort. Stay strange, my friends
My story is a bit complicated. Growing up, i was called a cow because i am pale, curvy, and wore a lot of black. Girls would bully me, i remember one time, a girl pushed me into the mud at school. Boys didnt have any interest in me because they prefer the most gorgeous girls. As i grew older, i learned to accept myself, now do i think i am this most gorgeous girl in the whole universe? No, but hey thats okay. I am beautiful to my husband, friends, and family. And maybe sometimes even to myself sometimes
The moment when the cat is coming. Animals are so so so empathic. I love them. They are the better creatures. I am sorry to hear that you went through this bullying. I know what it is. Wishing you a good path of healing journey
Oof! This reminded me stuff! I wasn't bullied hopefully , but deemed ugly by my peers...and I'm trans too. One of my friends said (it was in the 80's) : "it's not that you're ugly, but you're handsome in the way a boy would be, like Boy George isn't a handsome man, but is beautiful the way a girl would be. Your face just looks odd for a girl." Yes! Exactly that! I didn't feel ugly, just mismatched with my gender. When I was a kid everyone always complimented my mother on how I was such a beautiful little boy... until my mum corrected them and they would go like : " Ooh...😐". Now people say that I am handsome. "Never was ugly, just wasn't a girl to begin with " sums it up perfectly.
Hi, I am so glad I watched your video, I found your honesty so inspirational. I was bullied in school too, high-school was one of the worst experiences of my life, so much so that I've refused to attend many a reunion, I'm sorry to say it but I was bullied and also a bully 😲 Part of every in crowd and often a loner, bullied in every group until I became a bully because in my childlike mind, I thought at the time I was taking some control back😪 Now many years later with a new perspective and open eyes, I realise we live in a very callous and superficial world that is far too focussed on physical appearances instead of individual and unique characteristics and qualities. I am a Mum now and have taught my son never to judge a book by it's cover, I agree we are all born perfect Victor 🤗
God this hit way too close to home for me. Especially the whole segment about always feeling ugly as a girl and the actual reason being I wasn't even a girl in the first place is something I have explained in those exact words before. Thing is, I luckily was never bullied or told I was ugly, in fact quite the opposite, but I could never believe anybody because I just could never feel pretty. Yet at the same time, putting effort into being pretty and making myself more feminine made me feel extremely disgusting and uncomfortable no matter how hard I tried. Just never felt right. I'd always wonder how all the other girls were so much better at being girls than I was. It ended up a never-ending cycle of low self-esteem. But once I started seeing myself in a more masculine way, suddenly I found myself attractive for the first time in my life, despite there being zero physical changes. I came to the realization that I wasnt actually completely insufferable to look at; I was just looking at myself the wrong way this whole time. I also relate about having a differently shaped nose from what is the "standard." I have always felt self conscious about it and never felt it went with my face as a female, but when viewed through a male lens, it actually fits me quite well.
I grew up being bullied and then later on I came out as agender. I was afab and my gender expression is still feminine so it's like I never got myself completely out of the beauty standards. I still feel like I have to put on makeup to be taken seriously and wear tight fitting clothes to be seen as attractive by orther queer people. Cause no matter what I say or do people still assume that I'm a woman. It's a hellscape and even now I still have this assumption that people only see me as beautiful when I dress overly femme not when I'm myself.
Honestly, I think you were an attractive woman too. I’m a woman, born a woman. I guess I’ve thought about how it’s harder for women than men to be accepted for their looks. But I didn’t actually experience it the way you did. I’m sure that gave you quite a lot of insight.
Hi Victor, thank you for sharing your story, some people can be so cruel and horrible, im sorry you had to go through all that, bullying is awful. I wanted to let you know that every video you post I’m always interested to hear what you have to say and you’re one of the people I look up to the most. I hope life is treating you much better and I wish you and everyone here who supports you a hopeful future full of acceptance. ❤❤
Next. I was in the 7th and 8th grade. The children in the class were developing. I looked like a boy. But I didn't know that. I thought I was a girl with short hair. The boys were very mean to me. They mocked me for my acne. And that I was the ugliest girl in the village. They ran away from me. They didn't want to be associated with me. They wanted the blossoming girls. I didn't know what was going on. And why I was so ugly to people. Only later did I learn, ah, I'm like a guy. That's why they all ran away from me. I also have a hump nose. A little more than you. That wasn't the ideal face for a girl either. I don't actually know what I look like. It's a little difficult to look in the mirror and get ready. I'm neither a man nor a woman. And you need this identity. I am such a hybrid. I don't know if I'm a man. That's why I can't go completely in that direction. Although I dress purely masculine. But I'm not a woman either (mentally). That is why I cannot take this position. I am in-between. This causes me to not recognize my face or what I look like. I already know roughly. But not really. Sometimes people see me as a man and sometimes as a woman. Because both are reflected in it.
I understand that they hated you and why you were chosen as a model to represent - not only for your looks but for your sunbeam personality ...,..you have always been gorgeous, and that is nothing that can be separated or denied by gender labelling......... Its hard, but you had it harder in Scotland, and - both men and women can have greek/roman classical look, english Dickensian/Bronte soldier/ accountant look in terms of boys but also the same in women. .....and it does matter what we think about you now and when you were young..... it really does 🍷😏🔥
Growing up I struggled with taking care of my hair. I had once a teacher lecture me about it in front of the whole class. She'd take me to the corner of the classroom and forcefully brush it and use too much dry shampoo. Dry shampoo becomes a white powder and she'd show me the powder, telling me it was dirt and all the hair she broke off, telling me my hair was weak. This became routine. My hair would frizz up and I felt like I was a mangy, rabid animal (and I was treated like one too because all the kids knew I was autistic). This wasn't my only insecurity, but it was a big one. In later years I started to feel better about it, but it still pops up sometimes where my hair makes me feel unclean. I'd cut it off if not for the fact that if I do I'd be exposing my face more and betraying a part of my cultural identity. Still got a lot of healing to do.
I feel like I went through a similar experience to yours, but also kind of opposite, in a way*. I was bullied from kindergarden to the last year of middle school (9th grade in my country) because of my personality (autistic, if that helps, lol), weight and, as ridiculous as it may sound, my awful athletic skills (they were VERY good and VERY competitive and I was neither). Because of this I grew up thinking I was extremely ugly and thus very insecure. After getting out of middle school I slowly started realizing that despite me seeing myself as hideous, it turns out most people don't. I even got asked out by a few guys during HS, something I thought would never happen to me. I had even heard that I was a pretty girl. Which I found great!... Except I am not a girl and that just felt bad to hear. As a girl I was pretty, I guess, even if I only was treated as such for like... a few months before I started embracing my gender again, but as a guy I just don't fir into any sort of attractiveness type. Not pretty in the way a man should be, and not handsome either. Still, I feel much better about myself now than I did then. Being bullied really fucks you up and so does denying yourself of yourself. Looks aren't everything and working on detaching yourself from the necessity to look a certain way for other people can be very liberating. I, for one, can now dress like a vampire, have a blast with it, and not worry about what others think! (There's also something to be said about how men aren't really expected to look attractive anyway, not to the extent women are, and not being so doesn't have nearly as many consequences as it does for women. But I still feel like, being visibly trans, I'm under much more scrutiny than other men and held to higher standards, somehow.) *The reason i said this is because you were only considered attractive by others after you stopped presenting as a woman, whereas I was only considered attractive while I presented as one. I'm very sorry about the situations, by the way, people can be so cruel. Great video!
I've had a very interesting life. a lot happened when I was in primary school which led to me being the isolated person I was in high school. when I was 11 I had a similar experience that you had when you were 15. I was bullied and harassed about things until I all got too much and my parents pulled me out of school. i transferred to a different school being a completely different person and I've come a long way. I'm still picked on about things but it's just the odd word about me being ginger. but I can confidently admit that I'm a very weird individual and I dont care about it as much because I've people that help me understand it.
Bro- I’ve known you were trans for years but when you showed your pic from age 14 with the “emo hair” and stuff I genuinely forgot lmao. It just looked like u, a man with long hair so I was like “huh? Oh right” lmao
Honestly this video kind of hit me hard. I was bullied throughout my whole school life since even around preschool either by teachers. I'm autistic and had teoubles communicating and doing math. One time i was forced to do math alone in the hall while everyone else went outside to play. My math teacher in 6th grade would always target me because if my disability. Throughout kindergarten and elemantary school i was bullied because i was clinically obese. (I ate my feelings a lot, and still deal with it wven today.) I was always the fat ugly girl. Throughout 4th to 6th grade a kid made a runor that i kissed abother girl and everyone would ask me about it literally everyday. This girl was honeschooled for a short while and the rumors stopped. But when she came back, the runors started. I went to a friend for help and she just shrugged. I went to teachers and theprincipal many times with my parents. We only got empty promises. A lot more bullying happened and it got to the point where i was honeschooled until i graduated high school. When i came out as trans at 16 i was harassed and bullied by internet strangers. I had a middle aged adult who i thought was my friend, end up basically insulting the fact i wanted surgery, and even told me that he'd date me if i was a girl. I used to go to this queer support group in my early transition but ended up stopping because my trauma (unrelated to this story), and my autism made it hard for me to truly connect to anyone there (Although there were nice people there.) In my teen years I struggled with an untreated eating disorder and it keeps coming up because of triggers. (Tough i have a better grip on it now.) everyone complimented me on my weight loss. My parents even made many cmwmnts saying how i used to be chubby/fat as a kid. When i was younger my mom told me i had no common sense just like my bio dad. Basically a lot of things happened. And this wasn't even half of it. I'm still struggling with bad self image issues. Self negative thoughts. Insecurity.... But I'm trying to grow and take myself out of that cycle one day at a time
Also a transguy, who was also bullied in highschool, it's crazy what you start to believe because enough people tell you it. For real believed I had thin hair, an ugly face and just constantly smelt bad. None of it is true, but I still wash more than usual and I still feel kinda shocked every time I realise it's not true.
well im still battling with highschool (ew), but im trying to become a better person, trying to not hear those people that say that im "just a girl who thinks that she is a boy". Im so mad at the society, its norms. It makes my blood boil istg. I really hope that i can start transitioning as fast as possible. I did find out that im trans at like 11 years old, but my mom still thinks that its a phase ._. anywayys I hope it will get better soon :3
I'm a Boy and My story is that when I entered high school I was bullied for being bisexual and painting my nails black, having rings and bracelets. Everyone saw me as weird bisexual boy because they always saw me with boys and sometimes they laughed at me because I painted my nails my favorite color, black, and one time I did get hit, but I felt lonely the last days of high school. When school ended I had sui**dal thoughts, a day before Christmas I was going to take my life but that day my girlfriend who is now a man saved my life and I fell in love with him and I am grateful that he saved my life. Sorry for the long commentary. I'm crying because I'm happy with the love of my life who save me.
I understand where you are coming from as I also don't identify with she/her (we are a bit different tho because you are fully trans and I'm only demisexual) i still feel I understand where you are coming from as I did feel the exact same way- anyway- I love seeing your content it always lifts my mood!! I just feel you should make more content about stuff like this- I can see it helping many people in the future!!
This isn’t related to the video and i apologise for it, but i thought you might be more likely to see this comment and respond on a more recent video? If you don’t want to answer that’s totally fine! It’s about your top surgery, may i ask where you got it/who was the surgeon? You mentioned Manchester in your vlog (4 years old now so again this is a bit of a stretch) and the clinic i was thinking could be good for me is also in Manchester, i’m just wondering if you remember the info so i can see if it’s the same one. I have bad trauma from a hospital admission and really want to avoid that again and be as prepared as possible! Thanks
Hi!! I got mine done at Manchester General! Although I had to go through the waitlist on the NHS And I think they can change it depending on what surgeon is available and what catchment area you are in. I'm not sure if in private hospitals/gender clinic it is different? Cause I was living in Scotland at the time it was the place I was given :0 I didn't have a choice
@@VictorLockhart Thank you so much! The hospital is called Manchester Pines Hospital, privately through The Harley Medical Group. I am on the Sheffield GIC waiting list but its now been 4 years and i havent even had an initial STARTING appointment... its so disappointing that i'm thinking of just trying my hardest to save up and get it done privately, so the hospital may be different as i believe the HMG is private. I'm outside of Manchester so its not as long a journey luckily, which is a main reason why i'm trying to see all Manchester surgery options.
I can also relate to that. It is difficult to summarize it in one comment. I am born female. But inside I feel otherwise. When I was born, it was told in the family I was so ugly with red face and many wrinkles, that my father refused to acknowledge that I was his child. This story has been told many times. Then family was laughing So the concept of me being ugly was something from day one. I am also gender non conforming. Let call it that way. Because its a complicated issue. When I was about 10 years old. I accompanied my brother to the hospital because he had Injuries from football. The doctor saw me. Asked if he could take a look at this child I was pleasantly surprised that I seemed to be important there. He looked at me from all sides, from my toes to my head. The doctor asked if the child was a boy or a girl. My mother said a girl. Then he said: We have to operate. My mother was terribly frightened. The doctor calmed her down. It is just a clogged sebaceous gland. It was about 1/2 cm greenish to the right of my nose. The doctor asked me if it bothered me and if I agreed to the operation. Honestly, I had 1,000 pimples and if I remove one of them now, I'll still have 999. So I said no. It doesn't bother me. The doctor told my mother that because the child is a girl, he recommends surgery. Because it would reduce my career opportunities by 50%. As a girl, having a blemish on her face I wouldn't get the job as a waitress or as a bank clerk. However, if it were a boy, they wouldn't operate. For boys, this doesn't matter. I said no, it doesn't bother me. (I came here healthy. Should I go to the hospital? For one in 1000 pimples?) My mother said you heard the doctor! The doctor says you are a girl and that's why you have to operate.
Luckily I as a kid understood very soon in my life that all those bad things other kids tell you because they don't like you and or don't understand you or just don't care about you are all just stupid bullshit you shouldn't take seriously. Because although I've never been on the popular side of a class, I wasn't really picked as target, I was often the friend of the target. As a kid I was always skinny but not in an extreme way. And my best friend in primary school was... well, not skinny. She was called fat and pig and stuff like that. And funny enough, when I stepped in as her friend they would start to call me fat as well. Just for the insult. It didn't matter that it was obviously not true. And luckily, I knew very well how little sense that made. I mean, how could it be true, when my parents on the other hand made jokes about how you could play piano on my ripp bones bc you could see them... And that was when I realised: Fat was just an insult for them... like idiot or dummy. Just something you say to people you don't like. I hope this lesson I learned helps some people out there to try and not let those insults get to you too much. You are all beautiful in your own ways and just because you haven't found your way yet, doesn't mean there is none for you. Because there is.
Well, at less you not ugly anymore, Victor. Your just handsome, beautiful and sexy just like same a picture from Lestat's fan for 1994/2002/TV Show. Happy Easter, Victor!🥚🐰🍫🧺😘🖤💙❤🔥👱🏻
I cannot believe this at all 💔 you never deserved any of that, I'm glad you're sharing this to spread awareness of how common this is and that it happens everyday, These type of things are like domino effects, and they just spiral and spiral until you just become a shell of who you used to be....And sometimes... you dont get that back... it's a blessing and a curse to me and many others.. 🫶🫶🫶
You have my sympathies, Victor. 🫂🩵 I was always a sort of outcast, growing up, even if I had occasional friends here and there, throughout my childhood and teen years. The only person who stuck it out with me beyond high school is my bestie who ultimately became my nesting partner. But...things were always rocky, while I was growing up. Lost track of how much my weight was weaponized against me by the other kids, since I've always been a heavier-set AFAB individual. The last time I was moved from the school I preferred, there were a few kids that made some nasty comments about my chest. I would wear baggy clothes or be put in these outfits by my family that made me look like a teacher; the latter wasn't too bad, I suppose, but having not that much agency in how I presented myself wasn't fun (tbf, though, I always felt like my body was disgusting and that nothing could ever truly be done about it). As for the former... Got called "bag lady" by my own dad for wearing baggy clothes a lot, but I still miss the purple sweater I used to wear in high school. He also called me "wolf lady" because my hair was always a mess, and I didn't know what to do with it. Ultimately, my family forced me to get a perm in my mid-teens. It helped, a little...but again, didn't feel like I had too much agency, at times, even if my family meant well. Adolescent years were also a nightmare, because of this abusive woman my dad dated. My sisters and I were forced to live with her, one year. She was especially cruel to my sisters, but she mocked me when I at one point told her I didn't want to be alive anymore. That... Is just the tip of the iceburg with that nasty woman, but I'm going to refrain from trauma-dumping further, here. I'm fortunate to be in a safer space, nowadays, with a partner who accepts me for me. I've in recent years found myself more "in between the pink and gray" with gender; knowing I present rather feminine (with little choice, because of body shape), but sometimes wish I could be acknowledged with more gender neutral language. Hell, there are days I covet androgyny, because I wish I could pull off Victorian-inspired or 1920's men's fashion, just as much as I wish I could pull off a Victorian-inspired gown. Kinda tricky at this time to navigate things, as I'm approaching 30 in September, but I'm in a better spot to figure myself out more than I was maybe a decade or so ago.
10:06: ….are you tryin’ to make me feel better, cuz you know I’m sad?
Pearl: *_tiny blink_* _Is it working?_
animals heal
I love you, Victor! You matter!
This was incredibly relatable. I was bullied on and off for almost my entire school career until Covid hit in 2020. Anything was fair game. My height, weight, acne, my interests, and the clothes I wore. Also, being diagnosed with ADHD was helpful,but I was considered different from other kids because of my brain being wired differently. I was slammed into lockers and was in the principal’s office so much reporting this behavior. Though the school never did anything about it. It got to the point I didn’t want to go to school in the fourth grade and switched schools. Anytime I would be “asked out” in middle school and high school, It was as a joke because I was “weird and ugly”. Even today, there are moments when I have had people give compliments and immediately thinking “where’s the punchline”. Though now I’m thriving and accepting of myself. Even though there are those little moments. Honestly, children can be so cruel and you didn’t deserve a single second of that. ❤ (Also massive apology for the wall of text. However, thank you for openness.)
My story: being born with a cleft palate and hare lip, I've bullied all my life and stared at, laughed at. All the names under the sun. Been told I should kill myself as I'm ugly and bot worth anything was the worst. Hated secondary school as I went to a girls school which is the worst! Had all my operations and still struggle now as I keep hearing all the comments. Married to an amazing man and have two amazing parents who love me etc but still struggle to take good comments and look in the mirror. Always wishing I was someone else and 'normal' whilst trying to remember what I was told by the doctor who helped me alot when I asked can you make me look normal? His replied was explain what normal is? As there isn't. I need to keep listening to those who care and love rather then those bullies xx
You are a beautiful person Hayley, I'm just so sorry people have been so cruel. They are the real ugly ones 🫂❤️
@VictorLockhart Thank you Victor. That's made my day and made me cry (in a good way!) I need to believe in myself more. Always putting myself down xx
You are a beautiful man I got bullied for my gap teeth anything that made me an individual I got bullied for it he'll I got bullied for being emotional mind you this was in elementary school
Is it bad that this hit home for us due to the way we dressed and the fact that we're neurodivergent and in the LGBTQ+ community.
Me too. I am openly Gay and on the Autism Spectrum. And I live in a highly conservative city in West Virginia and I am surrounded by toxic people and toxic situations.
Acne Face and Fatty I got, I reacted like “I am, so?” But OOPS- that lead to me always seeing myself that way for yEARS after accepting it for so long
Oh, this hit home...
So sorry you had to go through all that bullying. Wishing you only the best!
I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that bullying. Children and some adults are horrible and cruel. Glad you found yourself and are happy. You are very handsome and beautiful inside and out. I still need to make myself believe in myself as I still believe what I've been told. Even Matthew says lovely things but I find it difficult to believe. I need to be more like you! xx
Growing up my main issue was more with my personality than my physical appearance. I am Autistic and ADHD, but was undiagnosed until recently, so it was the way I interacted with people that made them look at me weird or give me those weird silences where they just stand their awkwardly and don't say anything because people don't like honesty and I am honest to a fault. I was an outcast long before I even started high school because of my inability to understand the unwritten rules of socializing.
I was not unattractive and when I got to high school I eventually found the alternative people and was able to have "friends" and even had a couple boyfriends, but my view of myself was still warped and contaminated by the expectation of AFAB people in this world. I still didn't feel beautiful, I was not at the level of beauty that many of my unattainable peers were. I became "hot" or "sexy", mostly I think because I dressed a bit revealing and I had boobs. It was not my face that mattered and I quickly realized that sex or the possibility of sex was how I was attractive. This obviously did not go well for my mental health and I had a number of issues and dark moments in my young life.
I eventually became an adult and ventured out into the adult world where my AuDHD was still a problem and my appearance became something I put on the back burner. In my mid twenties I began to gain weight and my appearance became a main focus again, oh no I am becoming "ugly". And I still struggle with this to this day, even though I have also discovered I am non-binary. In my discovery of being non-binary I tried to dress more androgynously in the hopes of making myself attractive by adding some masculinity into the mix. This however was not the solution, I enjoy dressing feminine and the way I dress is not solving my inner turmoil of whether I feel attractive or not. ALL societal labels are bullshit and made up and I realized that I just need to try to remind myself of that and decide how I want to label myself as myself. I am a non-binary femme person and I love wearing pretty dresses, because it's fun and it makes me happy.
None of us fit into the boxes of society because humans are not perfect squares. We are like stars, burning masses of chaos with jagged edges that never stay the same. It's okay to not be a square, be a star in all your chaos.
(Sorry for the wall of text, but this is an important and prominent issue in my life as well.)
The gaslighting is so real. I had a somewhat similar experience (in this ONE way; in no form am I trying to relate my petty life struggles to those of the trans community) in that I was always teased for being too tall, getting called "fish lips" or "the four-eyed frog" (too wide-eyed even without the travesty of glasses, I assume is what they meant) ... until I a modeling scout found me. It's amazing how something arbitrary to the state of one's actual looks can completely shift the way they're perceived by their peers.
It was really interesting to hear you speak about the difference in standards of beauty between the genders from your unique lens. Do you think male beauty standards are evolving to be more like female ones in terms of being less and less attainable? Or do you think it's still largely a matter of blanket acceptance for boys and men out of sheer gender politics? Lately, it seems like my social media feeds are choked with content about mewing or male skincare ads, and Reddit keeps shoving "looksmaxxing" content onto my FYP even though I don't engage with any of that content. My boyfriend is convinced that he doesn't have to be handsome because he's smart and funny (he's a fool-- he's very handsome, at least to me lol), but he's definitely of the firm opinion that life is easier for boys who fit a Zac Efron-esque ideal. Do you feel there's been a different response in terms of the level of love-bombing after your transition from particular subsets of people? Or has it been an onslaught of profuse compliments across the board? I'd love to hear you speak more on your experiences in the world having seen things from both sides of the gender fence.
It's always such a great day whenever I see you pop up on my notifications! And, for what it's worth, I was thinking all throughout your video that your skin looked really supple and glowy :) May you and yours enjoy a phenomenal Easter holiday, Victor The Paragon of Handsomeness (feel free to print that on your business cards :p)
I had a bit of a different experience when it comes to my struggle with feeling beautiful and my transition. I was more severely bullied when i was younger, in elementary school and early secondary school, but around grade 9 people started to tolerate me because for the first time I had a solid group of friends and I was also considered reasonably attractive for a girl. Behind the scenes i struggled with an ED and other mental health issues and I spent an hour doing my make up before school every morning, but being tolerated and for the most part just ignored by the people who used to hate me affirmed me in continuing those behaviors. Realizing that I wasnt a woman felt great but actually taking steps in the way of transitioning was hard because I was losing my privilege of feminine beauty and also exposing a fresh new weak spot to everyone around me. A lot of people around me "mourned" my looks and told me that I would be ugly as a guy, and especially in the early stages of my transition that affected me a lot.
Thanks!
Thank YOU! you are so wonderful! 🫂❤️
It takes a lot to discuss unhappy school years and the pains of growing up, it was really insightful to hear your side 💜
I went through very similar experience in middle school, and when I watched your video I closed my eyes and it was like a flash back into my childhood, kids can be extremely cruel but also some adults. For instance in my neighborhood we had a woman who worked as a nurse and yet she told her daughter and other kids right in front of me that they should avoid playing with me because I might be contagious, that day I ran home crying but did not tell my mom right away only the next day my mom finally got me to talk. At the time I was only 12 years old I was born with optic nerve hyperplasia and as a result I have nystagmus, this is not contagious and that person as a nurse should have known that but even if I was sick with something contagious how could she do that? For context I was born and raised in Ukraine 🇺🇦 and it was a long time ago in 1992. That summer I told my mom and dad that I would rather read books and learn something new every day, my dad hired English language tutor and that put me on a path that later shaped my life and career choices. Fast forward to now, i live in the United States on the West coast and work as a Ukrainian interpreter for people with limited English. Victor, thank you so much for your openness and as always wonderful video ❤❤❤ 😊.
Thank you so much for sharing your story 🫂❤️ You have achieved so much! I'm so sorry people have been cruel, but you are a testament to where determination gets you.
I have no idea how to word this, but I needed this video.
:( I'm so sorry you went through all that Victor!
It really doesn't seem to matter to kids/people. If they view you as a threat in anyway the cruelty starts and doesn't end. To my "friends" growing up I was too tall, too pale, too skinny, too smart for my own good, and too weird. I never liked my body and always felt awkward and gangly because of the things they constantly said. I never bothered to look in the mirror until I reached my 20s. Plot twist! I am an attractive female. I have been told that I am, in fact, quite beautiful and I have always been very beautiful. I've had strangers walk up to me and ask if I am a model. It shocks me every time because my "friends" made me believe I wasn't. The pain remains. I am healing. I now have true friends who are kind and love me. Yes, I am tall. Yes, I am pale. Yes, I am thin. Yes, I am a nerd who loves learning. Yes, I am really really weird, but I am happy. It isn't easy to learn to like yourself, but it is worth the effort. You are worth the effort. Stay strange, my friends
My story is a bit complicated. Growing up, i was called a cow because i am pale, curvy, and wore a lot of black. Girls would bully me, i remember one time, a girl pushed me into the mud at school. Boys didnt have any interest in me because they prefer the most gorgeous girls. As i grew older, i learned to accept myself, now do i think i am this most gorgeous girl in the whole universe? No, but hey thats okay. I am beautiful to my husband, friends, and family. And maybe sometimes even to myself sometimes
Ur beautiful and wonderful ❤ handsome and a wonderful person to be around ❤
Relatable.
I was and still am bullied to this day
The moment when the cat is coming.
Animals are so so so empathic.
I love them. They are the better creatures.
I am sorry to hear that you went through this bullying.
I know what it is.
Wishing you a good path of healing journey
Oof! This reminded me stuff! I wasn't bullied hopefully , but deemed ugly by my peers...and I'm trans too. One of my friends said (it was in the 80's) : "it's not that you're ugly, but you're handsome in the way a boy would be, like Boy George isn't a handsome man, but is beautiful the way a girl would be. Your face just looks odd for a girl."
Yes! Exactly that! I didn't feel ugly, just mismatched with my gender. When I was a kid everyone always complimented my mother on how I was such a beautiful little boy... until my mum corrected them and they would go like : " Ooh...😐". Now people say that I am handsome. "Never was ugly, just wasn't a girl to begin with " sums it up perfectly.
Hi, I am so glad I watched your video, I found your honesty so inspirational. I was bullied in school too, high-school was one of the worst experiences of my life, so much so that I've refused to attend many a reunion, I'm sorry to say it but I was bullied and also a bully 😲
Part of every in crowd and often a loner, bullied in every group until I became a bully because in my childlike mind, I thought at the time I was taking some control back😪
Now many years later with a new perspective and open eyes, I realise we live in a very callous and superficial world that is far too focussed on physical appearances instead of individual and unique characteristics and qualities.
I am a Mum now and have taught my son never to judge a book by it's cover, I agree we are all born perfect Victor 🤗
God this hit way too close to home for me. Especially the whole segment about always feeling ugly as a girl and the actual reason being I wasn't even a girl in the first place is something I have explained in those exact words before. Thing is, I luckily was never bullied or told I was ugly, in fact quite the opposite, but I could never believe anybody because I just could never feel pretty. Yet at the same time, putting effort into being pretty and making myself more feminine made me feel extremely disgusting and uncomfortable no matter how hard I tried. Just never felt right. I'd always wonder how all the other girls were so much better at being girls than I was. It ended up a never-ending cycle of low self-esteem.
But once I started seeing myself in a more masculine way, suddenly I found myself attractive for the first time in my life, despite there being zero physical changes. I came to the realization that I wasnt actually completely insufferable to look at; I was just looking at myself the wrong way this whole time.
I also relate about having a differently shaped nose from what is the "standard." I have always felt self conscious about it and never felt it went with my face as a female, but when viewed through a male lens, it actually fits me quite well.
Thank you for taking the time to share your story. It's comforting and aspiring to many 💗
I grew up being bullied and then later on I came out as agender. I was afab and my gender expression is still feminine so it's like I never got myself completely out of the beauty standards.
I still feel like I have to put on makeup to be taken seriously and wear tight fitting clothes to be seen as attractive by orther queer people.
Cause no matter what I say or do people still assume that I'm a woman.
It's a hellscape and even now I still have this assumption that people only see me as beautiful when I dress overly femme not when I'm myself.
Honestly, I think you were an attractive woman too. I’m a woman, born a woman. I guess I’ve thought about how it’s harder for women than men to be accepted for their looks. But I didn’t actually experience it the way you did. I’m sure that gave you quite a lot of insight.
Bro you’re just so real and lovely my guy :7 AND THE BEST YAPPER IRL IS 😂💕
Hi Victor, thank you for sharing your story, some people can be so cruel and horrible, im sorry you had to go through all that, bullying is awful. I wanted to let you know that every video you post I’m always interested to hear what you have to say and you’re one of the people I look up to the most. I hope life is treating you much better and I wish you and everyone here who supports you a hopeful future full of acceptance. ❤❤
Next. I was in the 7th and 8th grade. The children in the class were developing. I looked like a boy. But I didn't know that. I thought I was a girl with short hair. The boys were very mean to me. They mocked me for my acne. And that I was the ugliest girl in the village. They ran away from me. They didn't want to be associated with me. They wanted the blossoming girls. I didn't know what was going on. And why I was so ugly to people.
Only later did I learn, ah, I'm like a guy. That's why they all ran away from me.
I also have a hump nose. A little more than you. That wasn't the ideal face for a girl either.
I don't actually know what I look like. It's a little difficult to look in the mirror and get ready. I'm neither a man nor a woman. And you need this identity.
I am such a hybrid.
I don't know if I'm a man. That's why I can't go completely in that direction. Although I dress purely masculine. But I'm not a woman either (mentally).
That is why I cannot take this position.
I am in-between.
This causes me to not recognize my face or what I look like.
I already know roughly.
But not really.
Sometimes people see me as a man and sometimes as a woman.
Because both are reflected in it.
I understand that they hated you and why you were chosen as a model to represent - not only for your looks but for your sunbeam personality ...,..you have always been gorgeous, and that is nothing that can be separated or denied by gender labelling......... Its hard, but you had it harder in Scotland, and - both men and women can have greek/roman classical look, english Dickensian/Bronte soldier/ accountant look in terms of boys but also the same in women. .....and it does matter what we think about you now and when you were young..... it really does 🍷😏🔥
Growing up I struggled with taking care of my hair. I had once a teacher lecture me about it in front of the whole class. She'd take me to the corner of the classroom and forcefully brush it and use too much dry shampoo. Dry shampoo becomes a white powder and she'd show me the powder, telling me it was dirt and all the hair she broke off, telling me my hair was weak. This became routine. My hair would frizz up and I felt like I was a mangy, rabid animal (and I was treated like one too because all the kids knew I was autistic). This wasn't my only insecurity, but it was a big one. In later years I started to feel better about it, but it still pops up sometimes where my hair makes me feel unclean. I'd cut it off if not for the fact that if I do I'd be exposing my face more and betraying a part of my cultural identity. Still got a lot of healing to do.
I feel like I went through a similar experience to yours, but also kind of opposite, in a way*. I was bullied from kindergarden to the last year of middle school (9th grade in my country) because of my personality (autistic, if that helps, lol), weight and, as ridiculous as it may sound, my awful athletic skills (they were VERY good and VERY competitive and I was neither). Because of this I grew up thinking I was extremely ugly and thus very insecure. After getting out of middle school I slowly started realizing that despite me seeing myself as hideous, it turns out most people don't. I even got asked out by a few guys during HS, something I thought would never happen to me. I had even heard that I was a pretty girl. Which I found great!... Except I am not a girl and that just felt bad to hear. As a girl I was pretty, I guess, even if I only was treated as such for like... a few months before I started embracing my gender again, but as a guy I just don't fir into any sort of attractiveness type. Not pretty in the way a man should be, and not handsome either. Still, I feel much better about myself now than I did then. Being bullied really fucks you up and so does denying yourself of yourself. Looks aren't everything and working on detaching yourself from the necessity to look a certain way for other people can be very liberating. I, for one, can now dress like a vampire, have a blast with it, and not worry about what others think!
(There's also something to be said about how men aren't really expected to look attractive anyway, not to the extent women are, and not being so doesn't have nearly as many consequences as it does for women. But I still feel like, being visibly trans, I'm under much more scrutiny than other men and held to higher standards, somehow.)
*The reason i said this is because you were only considered attractive by others after you stopped presenting as a woman, whereas I was only considered attractive while I presented as one. I'm very sorry about the situations, by the way, people can be so cruel. Great video!
I've had a very interesting life. a lot happened when I was in primary school which led to me being the isolated person I was in high school. when I was 11 I had a similar experience that you had when you were 15. I was bullied and harassed about things until I all got too much and my parents pulled me out of school. i transferred to a different school being a completely different person and I've come a long way. I'm still picked on about things but it's just the odd word about me being ginger. but I can confidently admit that I'm a very weird individual and I dont care about it as much because I've people that help me understand it.
Bro- I’ve known you were trans for years but when you showed your pic from age 14 with the “emo hair” and stuff I genuinely forgot lmao. It just looked like u, a man with long hair so I was like “huh? Oh right” lmao
Honestly this video kind of hit me hard.
I was bullied throughout my whole school life since even around preschool either by teachers. I'm autistic and had teoubles communicating and doing math. One time i was forced to do math alone in the hall while everyone else went outside to play. My math teacher in 6th grade would always target me because if my disability. Throughout kindergarten and elemantary school i was bullied because i was clinically obese. (I ate my feelings a lot, and still deal with it wven today.) I was always the fat ugly girl. Throughout 4th to 6th grade a kid made a runor that i kissed abother girl and everyone would ask me about it literally everyday. This girl was honeschooled for a short while and the rumors stopped. But when she came back, the runors started. I went to a friend for help and she just shrugged. I went to teachers and theprincipal many times with my parents. We only got empty promises.
A lot more bullying happened and it got to the point where i was honeschooled until i graduated high school. When i came out as trans at 16 i was harassed and bullied by internet strangers. I had a middle aged adult who i thought was my friend, end up basically insulting the fact i wanted surgery, and even told me that he'd date me if i was a girl.
I used to go to this queer support group in my early transition but ended up stopping because my trauma (unrelated to this story), and my autism made it hard for me to truly connect to anyone there (Although there were nice people there.)
In my teen years I struggled with an untreated eating disorder and it keeps coming up because of triggers. (Tough i have a better grip on it now.) everyone complimented me on my weight loss. My parents even made many cmwmnts saying how i used to be chubby/fat as a kid.
When i was younger my mom told me i had no common sense just like my bio dad.
Basically a lot of things happened. And this wasn't even half of it. I'm still struggling with bad self image issues. Self negative thoughts. Insecurity.... But I'm trying to grow and take myself out of that cycle one day at a time
Also a transguy, who was also bullied in highschool, it's crazy what you start to believe because enough people tell you it. For real believed I had thin hair, an ugly face and just constantly smelt bad. None of it is true, but I still wash more than usual and I still feel kinda shocked every time I realise it's not true.
well im still battling with highschool (ew), but im trying to become a better person, trying to not hear those people that say that im "just a girl who thinks that she is a boy". Im so mad at the society, its norms. It makes my blood boil istg. I really hope that i can start transitioning as fast as possible. I did find out that im trans at like 11 years old, but my mom still thinks that its a phase ._. anywayys I hope it will get better soon :3
I can relate
I'm a Boy and
My story is that when I entered high school I was bullied for being bisexual and painting my nails black, having rings and bracelets.
Everyone saw me as weird bisexual boy because they always saw me with boys and sometimes they laughed at me because I painted my nails my favorite color, black, and one time I did get hit, but I felt lonely the last days of high school.
When school ended I had sui**dal thoughts, a day before Christmas I was going to take my life but that day my girlfriend who is now a man saved my life and I fell in love with him and I am grateful that he saved my life.
Sorry for the long commentary.
I'm crying because I'm happy with the love of my life who save me.
I understand where you are coming from as I also don't identify with she/her (we are a bit different tho because you are fully trans and I'm only demisexual) i still feel I understand where you are coming from as I did feel the exact same way- anyway- I love seeing your content it always lifts my mood!! I just feel you should make more content about stuff like this- I can see it helping many people in the future!!
This isn’t related to the video and i apologise for it, but i thought you might be more likely to see this comment and respond on a more recent video? If you don’t want to answer that’s totally fine! It’s about your top surgery, may i ask where you got it/who was the surgeon? You mentioned Manchester in your vlog (4 years old now so again this is a bit of a stretch) and the clinic i was thinking could be good for me is also in Manchester, i’m just wondering if you remember the info so i can see if it’s the same one. I have bad trauma from a hospital admission and really want to avoid that again and be as prepared as possible! Thanks
Hi!! I got mine done at Manchester General! Although I had to go through the waitlist on the NHS And I think they can change it depending on what surgeon is available and what catchment area you are in. I'm not sure if in private hospitals/gender clinic it is different? Cause I was living in Scotland at the time it was the place I was given :0 I didn't have a choice
@@VictorLockhart Thank you so much! The hospital is called Manchester Pines Hospital, privately through The Harley Medical Group. I am on the Sheffield GIC waiting list but its now been 4 years and i havent even had an initial STARTING appointment... its so disappointing that i'm thinking of just trying my hardest to save up and get it done privately, so the hospital may be different as i believe the HMG is private. I'm outside of Manchester so its not as long a journey luckily, which is a main reason why i'm trying to see all Manchester surgery options.
I can also relate to that.
It is difficult to summarize it in one comment.
I am born female.
But inside I feel otherwise.
When I was born, it was told in the family I was so ugly with red face and many wrinkles, that my father refused to acknowledge that I was his child.
This story has been told many times.
Then family was laughing
So the concept of me being ugly was something from day one.
I am also gender non conforming. Let call it that way. Because its a complicated issue.
When I was about 10 years old. I accompanied my brother to the hospital because he had Injuries from football.
The doctor saw me.
Asked if he could take a look at this child
I was pleasantly surprised that I seemed to be important there.
He looked at me from all sides, from my toes to my head.
The doctor asked if the child was a boy or a girl.
My mother said a girl.
Then he said: We have to operate.
My mother was terribly frightened.
The doctor calmed her down.
It is just a clogged sebaceous gland.
It was about 1/2 cm greenish to the right of my nose.
The doctor asked me if it bothered me and if I agreed to the operation.
Honestly, I had 1,000 pimples and if I remove one of them now, I'll still have 999.
So I said no. It doesn't bother me.
The doctor told my mother that because the child is a girl, he recommends surgery.
Because it would reduce my career opportunities by 50%. As a girl, having a blemish on her face
I wouldn't get the job as a waitress or as a bank clerk.
However, if it were a boy, they wouldn't operate.
For boys, this doesn't matter.
I said no, it doesn't bother me.
(I came here healthy. Should I go to the hospital? For one in 1000 pimples?)
My mother said you heard the doctor!
The doctor says you are a girl and that's why you have to operate.
you are so beautiful
Luckily I as a kid understood very soon in my life that all those bad things other kids tell you because they don't like you and or don't understand you or just don't care about you are all just stupid bullshit you shouldn't take seriously.
Because although I've never been on the popular side of a class, I wasn't really picked as target, I was often the friend of the target. As a kid I was always skinny but not in an extreme way. And my best friend in primary school was... well, not skinny. She was called fat and pig and stuff like that. And funny enough, when I stepped in as her friend they would start to call me fat as well. Just for the insult. It didn't matter that it was obviously not true. And luckily, I knew very well how little sense that made. I mean, how could it be true, when my parents on the other hand made jokes about how you could play piano on my ripp bones bc you could see them... And that was when I realised: Fat was just an insult for them... like idiot or dummy. Just something you say to people you don't like.
I hope this lesson I learned helps some people out there to try and not let those insults get to you too much. You are all beautiful in your own ways and just because you haven't found your way yet, doesn't mean there is none for you. Because there is.
Well, at less you not ugly anymore, Victor. Your just handsome, beautiful and sexy just like same a picture from Lestat's fan for 1994/2002/TV Show. Happy Easter, Victor!🥚🐰🍫🧺😘🖤💙❤🔥👱🏻
I cannot believe this at all 💔 you never deserved any of that, I'm glad you're sharing this to spread awareness of how common this is and that it happens everyday, These type of things are like domino effects, and they just spiral and spiral until you just become a shell of who you used to be....And sometimes... you dont get that back... it's a blessing and a curse to me and many others.. 🫶🫶🫶
You have my sympathies, Victor. 🫂🩵
I was always a sort of outcast, growing up, even if I had occasional friends here and there, throughout my childhood and teen years. The only person who stuck it out with me beyond high school is my bestie who ultimately became my nesting partner.
But...things were always rocky, while I was growing up.
Lost track of how much my weight was weaponized against me by the other kids, since I've always been a heavier-set AFAB individual. The last time I was moved from the school I preferred, there were a few kids that made some nasty comments about my chest. I would wear baggy clothes or be put in these outfits by my family that made me look like a teacher; the latter wasn't too bad, I suppose, but having not that much agency in how I presented myself wasn't fun (tbf, though, I always felt like my body was disgusting and that nothing could ever truly be done about it). As for the former... Got called "bag lady" by my own dad for wearing baggy clothes a lot, but I still miss the purple sweater I used to wear in high school. He also called me "wolf lady" because my hair was always a mess, and I didn't know what to do with it. Ultimately, my family forced me to get a perm in my mid-teens. It helped, a little...but again, didn't feel like I had too much agency, at times, even if my family meant well.
Adolescent years were also a nightmare, because of this abusive woman my dad dated. My sisters and I were forced to live with her, one year. She was especially cruel to my sisters, but she mocked me when I at one point told her I didn't want to be alive anymore. That... Is just the tip of the iceburg with that nasty woman, but I'm going to refrain from trauma-dumping further, here.
I'm fortunate to be in a safer space, nowadays, with a partner who accepts me for me. I've in recent years found myself more "in between the pink and gray" with gender; knowing I present rather feminine (with little choice, because of body shape), but sometimes wish I could be acknowledged with more gender neutral language. Hell, there are days I covet androgyny, because I wish I could pull off Victorian-inspired or 1920's men's fashion, just as much as I wish I could pull off a Victorian-inspired gown.
Kinda tricky at this time to navigate things, as I'm approaching 30 in September, but I'm in a better spot to figure myself out more than I was maybe a decade or so ago.