It's okay to draw a healthy boundary for yourself. If the distance, pulling away, etc, doesn't suit you...you can make the choice to let them know: "I value consistency and healthy communication in a relationship. If you pull away, I'll be pulling away too." Make a healthy choice based on your needs and the seriousness of the ship.
My ex EF pulled away slowly, to the point where I felt like a distance satellite in her life. Went to counseling, which kinda of felt like, it was going through the process, culminating in increased distance and then ultimately a break up . Seems like she was an AP, but I’m not sure as we’ve not been in contact for 5 months. Any likelihood of return?
@@michaelcumberbatch3945 If its been that long, then you need to decide for yourself if you think its appropriate to reach out. But don't expect anything to come out of it. You need to get completely over your ex before you reach out. Otherwise, consider just moving forward, Hope things work out.
At exactly the one year mark, I made the break before my ex DA did. He had started staying out for days on end, cheating with random women, taking things that weren't his and lying about it all. Still, he didn't seem ready to leave. It was almost as if he wanted to continue torturing me. I was securely attached, but ended up anxious by the time it was over. Best move I ever made was to move out and move on without letting him know where I was.
Hey thanks for sharing. It sounds like narcissistic behavior to me, but whatever he is, cheating, stealing, and lying about it are abusive and its good you got out of there. Really wishing you the best in your healing Michelle. Take care and hope to see you again.
They need to be in consistent therapy, working on being okay in a relationship and not running away, working on exploring their feelings and trying to meet a partner halfway. If they're not, you can only do so much to make them feel 'safe'. Oh, and agree with you: Hyper-independence is pathological, as most humans need to rely on someone else (and often avoidants *will* rely on other people and take but will react negatively to having to give back).
@@madhurij2919: Because giving back means they're putting energy into the relationship, which is an indicator of investment. Investment = vulnerability, and they hate to be vulnerable.
@@robertdeskoski9783 Could it have something to do with the fact that they get drained faster than others on account of living in a perpetual stress activated system? So they allocate their energy resources based on things that will certainly not hurt them like work hobbies as opposed to investing in things that are uncertain like love relationships? Because relationships end right.. and when they do one feels that all that energy and investment was a waste, it was good for nothing. All investment and no decent return.
I've read a few of your comments and i like them. I only discovered what attachment theory is after dating my 1st avoidant, now ex. Before that no knowledge of such sort was needed to figure out the what anxious/secure attachers do. They're in line with what typical psychology is. But the avoidant, is a total mindfuck altogether. Now i realised i've had anxious, secure, and avoidant partners before. Avoidants are by far the worst. Zero accountability, no self awareness, words don't match actions, inability to express deep emotions, constantly having to walk on eggshells. The list goes on. Poor them, as far as intent goes, i know they're not malicious. However avoidants should not be in a relationship until they heal. Period.
Stop enabling the wrong relationship dynamics. If you bend over backwards for avoidant that's not going to correct their wrong mindset or heal their trauma, they're still going to be an avoidant and it's still going to trigger the anxiety in their partner. This is the wrong advice for this kind of dynamic. It's wrong for the anxious to keep enabling the avoidant. The avoidant is the problem and they have to get into therapy and healing. Avoidants can make anyone ill; they are the problem and i'm going to say it till i'm blue in the face. I though i was an avoidant till i met an avoidant that turned me into an anxious which is absolutely horrible, the emotional turmoil is horrendous. I dumped the avoidant very early on before i got too engaged with him and feel better now. It took me six months of hell and no contact to be able to feel better now and I wouldn't take him back or recommend anyone to do that. Being anxious is absolute hell. No, the anxious should never show any understanding towards avoidant. Someone who puts you through that hell willingly or unwillingly doesn't deserve a place in your life. Discard straight away and never look back, till they heal they going to do it again.
sorry to hear about your experience. I'm glad you're doing better. Some avoidant attachments are aware and willing to put in the effort. which is why self-awareness and healthy communication is so important. balancing both partner's needs. Really hope it works out for you in your future.
@@byjohnobrien i think a lot of people don't understand how seriously harmful is to be put in anxious state by an avoidant. you just cannot help the anxiety in any way, it gets very quickly to uncontrollable state that eats you alive, it wrecks your mental health and life. makes you behave in ways you never thought you could. there's no way you can get peace and the avoidant or anyone else has no understanding. I'm hearing here on YT some ''experts'' advising for the anxious to keep calm. these people advise but don't actually know what they talking about. we wish on a star we could be calm for our own sake, we cannot be calm. the psychological effects of someone love bombing and the shortly pulling out are devastating, no counselling can help. i wish this could be criminalised.
Totally agree. Avoidants turn their loving partner anxious over time even if they were secure. The funny thing is anxious attachers want intimacy, just too much of it, but at least intimacy is fundamental to what a relationship is. Avoidants on the other hand run from it. They work in opposition to what is required for a (romantic) relationship. No self respecting person is going to deal with hot and cold inconsistent behaviour from their partner. That means no self respecting person will deal with an avoidant for the long term. They are the single type of attachers that should REALLY stay out of relationships because the damage they deal to other people is the worst. Its not equal at all. Anxious attachers ARE better and so much easier to deal with there's no comparison at all.
Great video, great explaination 👍 with my experience it was a slow fade, which was really painful, it triggers your anxiety and insecurities more and more until you breakdown, we don't know what happened until we discover videos like this 👍 best thing aftetwards is to lose that hope of them coming back, it allows you to start healing
Both after multiple loops in the break up cycle. I gave both that reassurance without pressure and with and either way they came back only to repeat the cycle again.
Thanks for sharing. Please reconsider if this relationship is good for you. You can draw a healthy boundary and walk away. You deserve consistent effort. Hope it works out. Take care.
@@livingwithliv6756 some times it is same day where I would reach out and we talked about the perpetual problems to understand each other. Sometimes they would reach out same day to a week later. Sometimes it would be two weeks. It oscillates between me reaching out and them reaching out. The last break up will more than likely be 3 weeks of zero contact. They are aware of their recent wrong doings and have admitted to messing up more recently. They break up out of a knee jerk reaction when we have time carved out for our relationship check in, specifically when they have to share a need or know they are in the wrong. They also break up when we make huge leaps and bounds in deep emotional connection when we spend time with family together. Their family loves me consistently shares how my partner is the happiest she has ever been in a relationship. We are both fearful avoidant. I lean anxious and they lean DA. We both are fully aware and are both working with therapists and coaches actively. We share books and read them together. During the healing process we have had the most breaks. My partner shares with me when she has loads of guilt about their wrong doings. This video and @byjohnobrien ‘s other videos are nearly spot on for the DA. When my partner is leaning severely DA she speaks about needing space or checking out after the deep emotional connection we make. When I apply pressure in some moments they talk about feeling conflicted. When I don’t apply pressure they come back stating they are ready. The problem with no pressure is half the time nothing is solved and this is where the cycle repeats.
My FA Ex faded at the during an argument. I did my best to de-escalate the situation until she faded and did ghost me for 2 weeks and then abruptly blocked me everywhere because I got anxious and had to control of my impulses. After a month of NC she reached out and said that if I didn’t stop contacting her she’d call the police.
Dude. Your amazing. Thankyou so much I’m the anxious , He’s the avoidant and I always struggle because I never understood. Appreciate the learning ❤ Sending love from NZ 😊
I’m learning a lot with your videos thank you so much for taking the time to teach us important information like this so we can get better and have better relationships!!!!
Well, in my case he pulled away suddenly and at the time I did pursue them by calling them a couple times but when I saw he wasn’t answering back, I stopped completely. It has been a month since that happened and since those calls I haven’t given him a reassurance or message of support. To be honest I didn’t know how to act at that time and it seemed to me that he really didn’t wanna know about me or hear from me and therefore that I became an annoyance, any advice for how should I proceed? He is a wonderful person and I’m in love with him so it is worth it for me to work on this relationship. That’s why I’m commenting.
@@beatrizcasals958 Hey, thanks for sharing and I'm glad the videos are helping with self-awareness. If this was a serious relationship, it doesn't hurt to send a little message of "reassurance without pressure". But it is also unfair to you that he is ignoring you. Like I said in the video, he may not know how to communicate his needs. It's been a month, so it doesn't hurt to send a short message of reassurance. But if the ignoring continues, reconsider if this is right for you. You deserve a man who gives you princess treatment, and nothing less. And I always say, remember to give yourself that treatment too. Life has 3 answers for you. 1) Yes...2) Not yet...3) I have something better for you. Take care and hope to hear from you again.
What if they came back a few times in the past like 2/3 times and on the last time I reached out asking to come back. I told them I want to give this a real shot with honesty and healthy communication and they agreed and everything was going well until they got triggered asked for time and never came back/ reached out since. Even after occasionally seeing eachother at mutual friend’s events and a restaurant she works at. I could tell she occasionally glanced at me and quickly turned away when I looked her way.
After a yr of dating…he GAVE me a spare set of keys to his house… he would call it OUT home… and him giving me my own gardening section in the yard, he came home after being gone all night until 6 am and I was crying and worried and upset and he said he’s a grown ass man who can do whatever he want, he don’t have to tell me anything. And then he said some mean things and said to leave. That I bother him. I irritate him. I’m always there. And he’s tired of pretending like he cares. But yet he gets angry when he sees our mutual guy friends hanging out with me. Or flirting with me. And he randomly messages me, but when I start to respond he goes ghost again. Why??? None of it makes sense…
Less and less over time, is how he pulled away … i have not contacted them since. I have decided to not contact my friend. Now I’m taking this time to determine if I actually want this friendship, business partner etc. cos everything is on hold and I’m not going to wait anymore making the decision to move on
How long do you think it would take for the fears to settle after a 3-4 month relationship? She still initiates messages with me weekly, said she wants to be friends. It's been a month now. The day of the breakup was the first time I'd heard any doubts about us. I'm only the 2nd person she's dated and she said she wanted a relationship with me but started thinking we were incompatible (for very small made up reasons she acknowledged after talking) and she was scared of being hurt, she thinks she'll be single forever. Her mum abandoned her when she was 4. Until the breakup it was the best relationship I'd had, felt perfect
Thanks for sharing. If she is still initiating weekly messages then either she sincerely wants to be friends, or she's keeping you around as an option. I would just be direct about what you're looking for. Maybe you're okay being just friends. but if that won't work for you then be direct with her, kind, but direct. You both deserve clarity. Hope it works out.
@@byjohnobrien Thanks for your reply. Do you think if she's been messaging once or twice a week it's less likely we'll get back together? Her reason for breaking up was she didn't feel ready, scared of being hurt, and she was aware of her childhood trauma effecting her ability to form relationships (had seen psychotherapist before we got together but stopped and doesn't want to go back)
@@bearface9706 If that was her reasoning, then you can reassure her that you would never want to hurt her. Let her know that you can understand why she is scared, and that you can take things slowly with her. If she is still messaging you then she trusts you. But work with her slowly, and give her healthy reassurance. Healthy communication is key, so it's good that you are still talking.
@@byjohnobrien Thank you. I did try saying those reassuring things the day she broke up with me but she said there was nothing I could say, she was sure about breaking up. Her messages are usually just checking how I'm doing / what I did with the week. I thought maybe because asking to be official triggered it the fears might settle after a while, not sure how long to wait though
I see, if she said she was sure of her decision, then I would just leave it at that. You have already done your part. It's good that she communicated with you. You need to decide for yourself if you can handle being friends with an ex. Some people can, some people can't. Different for every relationship. But I'm glad you two are communicating, that's so important.
I want to thank you for your videos. I have a special friendship with an avoidant person. Even if we don't have a serious relationship yet, I do have feelings for him and I decided to express that I really value our bound, and I wanted to know him better in order to build a healthy relationship (this is what I really want). Since that moment he pulled away. I sent a few messages because I felt anxiety. But when I realized that he wasn't available to talk, I sent the message of reassurence without preausure. (A couple days ago) I'm still waiting for his answer... But I would like to take this time for me too. Despite all the negative stuff, I'm proud that a could act in a different way this time. Thank you for all the information that you share with us. ❤
Hey thanks for sharing. It sounds like you're doing the right thing by going no contact and using the time to get back to yourself. I understand feeling anxiety, just remember to step back and sooth yourself. You need time for your brain chemicals to come back down to normal. Use this time to consider if this is right for you. Because it is not fair that he is being unresponsive to your feelings. You deserve princess treatment, not silent treatment. Take care and hope to hear from you again.
Out of the blue,2 years,not seeing each other every day, but committed,met his family and friends,i am a nurse,in my early 60s and hes 55. No kids,but he just blurted out,i wasnt his girlfriend and it was all just for the sex for him. Completely hurt.
Hey Melissa I really am sorry to hear that. It sounds like he has his own problems and inner work to do. That is no way to treat someone. I wish you the best in your healing and hope to hear from you again. You take care.
That's what mine said when I found out he was cheating after a year together... We agreed it was a sexual thing. UMMMM nooooo... You don't do all the relationship things with someone you're just smashing. And very certainly not for an entire year.
@byjohnobrien Thanks. He has issues from his youth. 55 yrs old dude get your self together. Pain is better,but think ill just stay yo myself and work like I've dine before I met him. He was the 2nd man ever since divorce in 2002. His loss. His loss. Thank goodness we never lived together.
In the beginning, his everything I want from a man. Although, I had seen his hot n cold but I didn't take it seriously. Then he started to pull away and do monkey branching left n right. I gave him chances. But it keeps going on. When I pull away he gets curious and take it initiative. But there's more Space than before. Haven't hear him for 12hrs, days and very insecure. He didn't make a time for us like he used to. But when its his payday he contacted me and insist to get his salary.
@byjohnobrien Im dating an Fearful Avoidant who is extremely upset with me over an innocent Conversation he says I disrespected him. Now im being punished for it he asked for space in wich I was unsure how to give. It’s been two months Now he tells me he will call me and doesn’t. Why does he do this and what do I do? Thank you for your videos!!
What if they jumped back on tinder? If its fear of relationships why back on tinder and looking for ltr :) if he did not want me why he chased me that much? I am confused
I've been watching several of your videos, and I love the content-it's both interesting and helpful to me. I noticed that your videos seem unedited, which makes me think you might not have a video editor at the moment. I've been editing videos for over six months now, and I would love to offer my help and work with you to enhance your videos. If you're interested, please let me know!
Hey thanks for sharing. I'm glad you enjoy the videos. I edit videos sometimes and use Vegas and Adobe. But haven't been needing them right now. More focused on sharing the message. I appreciate your support. Happy to have you hear.
My avoidant partner was getting distant after a period of closeness. 3yrs together and we usually balance each other out. This time, I didn’t give him enough space and he felt pressured and he called a break. It’s been 4.5months and I’ve offered space with reassurance, he took that well but recently he’s completely gone quiet. I am unsure if I should stay away and go NC or set a boundary with him.
Thanks for sharing this. I would go NC and use the time to get back to yourself. You need to be completely over him. Then, once you are over him, if you want to check on him, you'll have that option. But set a healthy boundary for yourself for what you need in a relationship. I hope it works out. Take care.
It's okay to draw a healthy boundary for yourself. If the distance, pulling away, etc, doesn't suit you...you can make the choice to let them know: "I value consistency and healthy communication in a relationship. If you pull away, I'll be pulling away too."
Make a healthy choice based on your needs and the seriousness of the ship.
My ex EF pulled away slowly, to the point where I felt like a distance satellite in her life. Went to counseling, which kinda of felt like, it was going through the process, culminating in increased distance and then ultimately a break up . Seems like she was an AP, but I’m not sure as we’ve not been in contact for 5 months. Any likelihood of return?
@@michaelcumberbatch3945 If its been that long, then you need to decide for yourself if you think its appropriate to reach out. But don't expect anything to come out of it. You need to get completely over your ex before you reach out. Otherwise, consider just moving forward, Hope things work out.
EXTREME AVOIDANTS ARE GOING TO KEEP HURTING YOU
Admittedly it's true, but people like me needs to see it to the end.... even though I'll get hurt
Remember to draw healthy boundaries for yourself. Take care.
At exactly the one year mark, I made the break before my ex DA did. He had started staying out for days on end, cheating with random women, taking things that weren't his and lying about it all. Still, he didn't seem ready to leave. It was almost as if he wanted to continue torturing me. I was securely attached, but ended up anxious by the time it was over. Best move I ever made was to move out and move on without letting him know where I was.
Hey thanks for sharing. It sounds like narcissistic behavior to me, but whatever he is, cheating, stealing, and lying about it are abusive and its good you got out of there. Really wishing you the best in your healing Michelle. Take care and hope to see you again.
@@byjohnobrienyou’re probably 100% correct
They need to be in consistent therapy, working on being okay in a relationship and not running away, working on exploring their feelings and trying to meet a partner halfway.
If they're not, you can only do so much to make them feel 'safe'.
Oh, and agree with you: Hyper-independence is pathological, as most humans need to rely on someone else (and often avoidants *will* rely on other people and take but will react negatively to having to give back).
Thanks for sharing. consistency is always important. Wishing you the best.
Who do they react negatively to giving back? Do you know the reasons?
@@madhurij2919: Because giving back means they're putting energy into the relationship, which is an indicator of investment.
Investment = vulnerability, and they hate to be vulnerable.
@@robertdeskoski9783 Could it have something to do with the fact that they get drained faster than others on account of living in a perpetual stress activated system? So they allocate their energy resources based on things that will certainly not hurt them like work hobbies as opposed to investing in things that are uncertain like love relationships? Because relationships end right.. and when they do one feels that all that energy and investment was a waste, it was good for nothing. All investment and no decent return.
I've read a few of your comments and i like them. I only discovered what attachment theory is after dating my 1st avoidant, now ex. Before that no knowledge of such sort was needed to figure out the what anxious/secure attachers do. They're in line with what typical psychology is. But the avoidant, is a total mindfuck altogether. Now i realised i've had anxious, secure, and avoidant partners before. Avoidants are by far the worst. Zero accountability, no self awareness, words don't match actions, inability to express deep emotions, constantly having to walk on eggshells. The list goes on. Poor them, as far as intent goes, i know they're not malicious. However avoidants should not be in a relationship until they heal. Period.
Stop enabling the wrong relationship dynamics. If you bend over backwards for avoidant that's not going to correct their wrong mindset or heal their trauma, they're still going to be an avoidant and it's still going to trigger the anxiety in their partner. This is the wrong advice for this kind of dynamic. It's wrong for the anxious to keep enabling the avoidant. The avoidant is the problem and they have to get into therapy and healing. Avoidants can make anyone ill; they are the problem and i'm going to say it till i'm blue in the face. I though i was an avoidant till i met an avoidant that turned me into an anxious which is absolutely horrible, the emotional turmoil is horrendous. I dumped the avoidant very early on before i got too engaged with him and feel better now. It took me six months of hell and no contact to be able to feel better now and I wouldn't take him back or recommend anyone to do that. Being anxious is absolute hell. No, the anxious should never show any understanding towards avoidant. Someone who puts you through that hell willingly or unwillingly doesn't deserve a place in your life. Discard straight away and never look back, till they heal they going to do it again.
sorry to hear about your experience. I'm glad you're doing better. Some avoidant attachments are aware and willing to put in the effort. which is why self-awareness and healthy communication is so important. balancing both partner's needs. Really hope it works out for you in your future.
@@byjohnobrien i think a lot of people don't understand how seriously harmful is to be put in anxious state by an avoidant. you just cannot help the anxiety in any way, it gets very quickly to uncontrollable state that eats you alive, it wrecks your mental health and life. makes you behave in ways you never thought you could. there's no way you can get peace and the avoidant or anyone else has no understanding. I'm hearing here on YT some ''experts'' advising for the anxious to keep calm. these people advise but don't actually know what they talking about. we wish on a star we could be calm for our own sake, we cannot be calm. the psychological effects of someone love bombing and the shortly pulling out are devastating, no counselling can help. i wish this could be criminalised.
Totally agree. Avoidants turn their loving partner anxious over time even if they were secure. The funny thing is anxious attachers want intimacy, just too much of it, but at least intimacy is fundamental to what a relationship is. Avoidants on the other hand run from it. They work in opposition to what is required for a (romantic) relationship. No self respecting person is going to deal with hot and cold inconsistent behaviour from their partner. That means no self respecting person will deal with an avoidant for the long term. They are the single type of attachers that should REALLY stay out of relationships because the damage they deal to other people is the worst. Its not equal at all. Anxious attachers ARE better and so much easier to deal with there's no comparison at all.
Great video, great explaination 👍 with my experience it was a slow fade, which was really painful, it triggers your anxiety and insecurities more and more until you breakdown, we don't know what happened until we discover videos like this 👍 best thing aftetwards is to lose that hope of them coming back, it allows you to start healing
Glad its helping, good luck in your healing.
Both after multiple loops in the break up cycle. I gave both that reassurance without pressure and with and either way they came back only to repeat the cycle again.
Thanks for sharing. Please reconsider if this relationship is good for you. You can draw a healthy boundary and walk away. You deserve consistent effort. Hope it works out. Take care.
How long did u wait to reach back out or how long was it before they came back ?
@@byjohnobrien thank you 🙏🏻
@@livingwithliv6756 some times it is same day where I would reach out and we talked about the perpetual problems to understand each other.
Sometimes they would reach out same day to a week later. Sometimes it would be two weeks. It oscillates between me reaching out and them reaching out.
The last break up will more than likely be 3 weeks of zero contact. They are aware of their recent wrong doings and have admitted to messing up more recently. They break up out of a knee jerk reaction when we have time carved out for our relationship check in, specifically when they have to share a need or know they are in the wrong. They also break up when we make huge leaps and bounds in deep emotional connection when we spend time with family together. Their family loves me consistently shares how my partner is the happiest she has ever been in a relationship.
We are both fearful avoidant. I lean anxious and they lean DA. We both are fully aware and are both working with therapists and coaches actively. We share books and read them together. During the healing process we have had the most breaks. My partner shares with me when she has loads of guilt about their wrong doings.
This video and @byjohnobrien ‘s other videos are nearly spot on for the DA. When my partner is leaning severely DA she speaks about needing space or checking out after the deep emotional connection we make. When I apply pressure in some moments they talk about feeling conflicted. When I don’t apply pressure they come back stating they are ready. The problem with no pressure is half the time nothing is solved and this is where the cycle repeats.
My FA Ex faded at the during an argument. I did my best to de-escalate the situation until she faded and did ghost me for 2 weeks and then abruptly blocked me everywhere because I got anxious and had to control of my impulses. After a month of NC she reached out and said that if I didn’t stop contacting her she’d call the police.
Dude. Your amazing. Thankyou so much I’m the anxious , He’s the avoidant and I always struggle because I never understood.
Appreciate the learning ❤
Sending love from NZ 😊
Thank you and I'm glad you have a better understanding. Take care.
I’m learning a lot with your videos thank you so much for taking the time to teach us important information like this so we can get better and have better relationships!!!!
Well, in my case he pulled away suddenly and at the time I did pursue them by calling them a couple times but when I saw he wasn’t answering back, I stopped completely. It has been a month since that happened and since those calls I haven’t given him a reassurance or message of support. To be honest I didn’t know how to act at that time and it seemed to me that he really didn’t wanna know about me or hear from me and therefore that I became an annoyance, any advice for how should I proceed?
He is a wonderful person and I’m in love with him so it is worth it for me to work on this relationship. That’s why I’m commenting.
@@beatrizcasals958 Hey, thanks for sharing and I'm glad the videos are helping with self-awareness. If this was a serious relationship, it doesn't hurt to send a little message of "reassurance without pressure".
But it is also unfair to you that he is ignoring you. Like I said in the video, he may not know how to communicate his needs. It's been a month, so it doesn't hurt to send a short message of reassurance. But if the ignoring continues, reconsider if this is right for you.
You deserve a man who gives you princess treatment, and nothing less. And I always say, remember to give yourself that treatment too.
Life has 3 answers for you. 1) Yes...2) Not yet...3) I have something better for you.
Take care and hope to hear from you again.
@@byjohnobrienwow!!! Such amazing advice!!! Thank you so much for taking the time to write back and help me ❤.
It's both ways sometimes slow pulling and sometimes sudden
Thanks for sharing your experience. Awareness is important. Wishing you the best.
What if they came back a few times in the past like 2/3 times and on the last time I reached out asking to come back. I told them I want to give this a real shot with honesty and healthy communication and they agreed and everything was going well until they got triggered asked for time and never came back/ reached out since. Even after occasionally seeing eachother at mutual friend’s events and a restaurant she works at. I could tell she occasionally glanced at me and quickly turned away when I looked her way.
After a yr of dating…he GAVE me a spare set of keys to his house… he would call it OUT home… and him giving me my own gardening section in the yard, he came home after being gone all night until 6 am and I was crying and worried and upset and he said he’s a grown ass man who can do whatever he want, he don’t have to tell me anything. And then he said some mean things and said to leave. That I bother him. I irritate him. I’m always there. And he’s tired of pretending like he cares. But yet he gets angry when he sees our mutual guy friends hanging out with me. Or flirting with me. And he randomly messages me, but when I start to respond he goes ghost again. Why??? None of it makes sense…
Consider leaving. Sounds like an abusive relationship. Hope things work out.
Less and less over time, is how he pulled away … i have not contacted them since. I have decided to not contact my friend. Now I’m taking this time to determine if I actually want this friendship, business partner etc. cos everything is on hold and I’m not going to wait anymore making the decision to move on
Sounds like that's what's best. Hope it works out for you. You'll be okay.
So clear vocal cords you have , amazing❤
Very kind of you thanks!
How long do you think it would take for the fears to settle after a 3-4 month relationship? She still initiates messages with me weekly, said she wants to be friends. It's been a month now. The day of the breakup was the first time I'd heard any doubts about us. I'm only the 2nd person she's dated and she said she wanted a relationship with me but started thinking we were incompatible (for very small made up reasons she acknowledged after talking) and she was scared of being hurt, she thinks she'll be single forever. Her mum abandoned her when she was 4. Until the breakup it was the best relationship I'd had, felt perfect
Thanks for sharing. If she is still initiating weekly messages then either she sincerely wants to be friends, or she's keeping you around as an option. I would just be direct about what you're looking for. Maybe you're okay being just friends. but if that won't work for you then be direct with her, kind, but direct. You both deserve clarity. Hope it works out.
@@byjohnobrien Thanks for your reply. Do you think if she's been messaging once or twice a week it's less likely we'll get back together? Her reason for breaking up was she didn't feel ready, scared of being hurt, and she was aware of her childhood trauma effecting her ability to form relationships (had seen psychotherapist before we got together but stopped and doesn't want to go back)
@@bearface9706 If that was her reasoning, then you can reassure her that you would never want to hurt her. Let her know that you can understand why she is scared, and that you can take things slowly with her. If she is still messaging you then she trusts you. But work with her slowly, and give her healthy reassurance. Healthy communication is key, so it's good that you are still talking.
@@byjohnobrien Thank you. I did try saying those reassuring things the day she broke up with me but she said there was nothing I could say, she was sure about breaking up. Her messages are usually just checking how I'm doing / what I did with the week. I thought maybe because asking to be official triggered it the fears might settle after a while, not sure how long to wait though
I see, if she said she was sure of her decision, then I would just leave it at that. You have already done your part. It's good that she communicated with you. You need to decide for yourself if you can handle being friends with an ex. Some people can, some people can't. Different for every relationship. But I'm glad you two are communicating, that's so important.
I want to thank you for your videos.
I have a special friendship with an avoidant person. Even if we don't have a serious relationship yet, I do have feelings for him and I decided to express that I really value our bound, and I wanted to know him better in order to build a healthy relationship (this is what I really want).
Since that moment he pulled away. I sent a few messages because I felt anxiety. But when I realized that he wasn't available to talk, I sent the message of reassurence without preausure. (A couple days ago)
I'm still waiting for his answer... But I would like to take this time for me too. Despite all the negative stuff, I'm proud that a could act in a different way this time.
Thank you for all the information that you share with us. ❤
Could you give me some advice regarding this situation?
@denisselovera welcome to the push-pull game.
Hey thanks for sharing. It sounds like you're doing the right thing by going no contact and using the time to get back to yourself. I understand feeling anxiety, just remember to step back and sooth yourself. You need time for your brain chemicals to come back down to normal. Use this time to consider if this is right for you. Because it is not fair that he is being unresponsive to your feelings. You deserve princess treatment, not silent treatment. Take care and hope to hear from you again.
Out of the blue,2 years,not seeing each other every day, but committed,met his family and friends,i am a nurse,in my early 60s and hes 55. No kids,but he just blurted out,i wasnt his girlfriend and it was all just for the sex for him.
Completely hurt.
Hey Melissa I really am sorry to hear that. It sounds like he has his own problems and inner work to do. That is no way to treat someone. I wish you the best in your healing and hope to hear from you again. You take care.
That's what mine said when I found out he was cheating after a year together... We agreed it was a sexual thing. UMMMM nooooo... You don't do all the relationship things with someone you're just smashing. And very certainly not for an entire year.
@byjohnobrien Thanks. He has issues from his youth. 55 yrs old dude get your self together.
Pain is better,but think ill just stay yo myself and work like I've dine before I met him. He was the 2nd man ever since divorce in 2002.
His loss. His loss. Thank goodness we never lived together.
In the beginning, his everything I want from a man. Although, I had seen his hot n cold but I didn't take it seriously. Then he started to pull away and do monkey branching left n right. I gave him chances. But it keeps going on. When I pull away he gets curious and take it initiative. But there's more Space than before. Haven't hear him for 12hrs, days and very insecure.
He didn't make a time for us like he used to. But when its his payday he contacted me and insist to get his salary.
Sudden break up. She played the victim so I doubt she's coming back anytime soon. Four months post break up, not a peep from her.
Sorry to hear that. thanks for sharing. maybe it was for the better. wishing you the best moving forward.
I had reactive attachment as a child what you are explaining seems very similar to this
Reactive attachment *is* that of what's described when you're a child. But usually people grow out of it or can be helped to. :)
Thanks for sharing your experience!
@@byjohnobrien yeah. Have a great rest of your day. 🤠
How do you handle when they jump into a rebound two weeks after break up and they are in honeymoon phase all ovrr social mefia
@byjohnobrien Im dating an Fearful Avoidant who is extremely upset with me over an innocent Conversation he says I disrespected him. Now im being punished for it he asked for space in wich I was unsure how to give. It’s been two months Now he tells me he will call me and doesn’t. Why does he do this and what do I do? Thank you for your videos!!
Thanks for sharing. Sorry to hear. Two months in with no call after he said he would is not fair to you. Consider moving on. Best of luck.
What if they jumped back on tinder? If its fear of relationships why back on tinder and looking for ltr :) if he did not want me why he chased me that much? I am confused
He might be a fearful avoidant and unsure of what he wants. Hope things work out. Decide what your needs are and stick to it.
I've been watching several of your videos, and I love the content-it's both interesting and helpful to me. I noticed that your videos seem unedited, which makes me think you might not have a video editor at the moment.
I've been editing videos for over six months now, and I would love to offer my help and work with you to enhance your videos. If you're interested, please let me know!
Hey thanks for sharing. I'm glad you enjoy the videos. I edit videos sometimes and use Vegas and Adobe. But haven't been needing them right now. More focused on sharing the message. I appreciate your support. Happy to have you hear.
Why my ex avoidant did not go to non contact phase???!!! Every day he send me messages telling me about his daily life! Vague converstaion
It seems he still has an interest in talking to you. Be direct and ask him what he is looking for.
My avoidant partner was getting distant after a period of closeness. 3yrs together and we usually balance each other out. This time, I didn’t give him enough space and he felt pressured and he called a break. It’s been 4.5months and I’ve offered space with reassurance, he took that well but recently he’s completely gone quiet.
I am unsure if I should stay away and go NC or set a boundary with him.
Thanks for sharing this. I would go NC and use the time to get back to yourself. You need to be completely over him. Then, once you are over him, if you want to check on him, you'll have that option. But set a healthy boundary for yourself for what you need in a relationship. I hope it works out. Take care.
@@byjohnobrien thank you for your advice. I’ll be doing and working on myself and letting go. Appreciate it. Keep up the videos. They are great!
I wanted to go for non contact but my ex avoidant refuse it
Thanks for sharing. Hope it works out. Healthy communication is important.
Casual Miley Endless Summer Vacation flex 🎹, what's bro playin'?
"River"