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Bridging the Gap between the Unfaithful and Betrayed Spouse: Attunement Part 1
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- Опубликовано: 18 авг 2021
- Today Samuel introduces a new concept in both repair work and empathy development for couples in crisis: attunement.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
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we are doing EMSO now... so far week 2 I am not really seeing much from my unfaithful wife...When do I get that empathy everyone says is so important?
Samuel ... i know this is old, but i want to let you know that having "attunement" when the betrayed spouse is spiraling the drain is not about telling them that you want to "affirm them" and "meet them there" (telling them you want to be attuned basically) ... and it is definitely NOT telling them to stop which comes off as being defensive and almost shaming them for being emotional. telling them to stop is a very "disconnecting" feeling because it comes off as being defensive and almost shaming them for being emotional. trying to stop them does not make them feel "seen and understood" because it comes off as self-serving, especially if it is early on after the affair gets exposed. it feels like the betrayed spouse is "in them" ... feeling themselves and NOT "feeling" you as the betrayed spouse. you immediately do not feel nurtured. you feel disconnected. instead, might i suggest the unfaithful spouse BE NURTURING and BE COMFORTING emotionally and physically if it's accepted. how? first by being softly spoken, with compassion in your voice and your choice of words ... maybe even put your arms around the betrayed spouse, or hold them, or even hold their hands while you say something like "oh sweety i am so sorry you are having to go through this pain. i was wrong and i wish i hadn't done it. it is so tough to see you like this but i am here for you. i know i wasn't, i know i screwed up, but i am here now because you matter to me. you are my top priority and i will do whatever it takes to help you get through this. i know we can build a better marriage together. we got this honey. right now, i want to make you feel safe again. is there anything i can do to help you feel safe and more peaceful? what can i do to help honey?" you get my drift ... something along those lines. your behaviour is what will stop the spiral in its tracks most of the time. the ACT of actually BEING ATTUNED will help them because you will be giving them a different UPLIFTING POSITIVE message than the spiraling negative voice inside their head. perhaps even the spiral will turn into a positive loop instead of a negative. they will FEEL that you care because you are SHOWING EMPATHY. i hope this helps you see an alternative way to deliver the message of being attuned and maybe help some unfaithful spouse deliver the words their betrayed spouse so desperately wants to hear. they want to hear that they matter, that they are your priority, and not anyone else or anything else ... because that's the message infidelity gives to the betrayed ... you didn't matter and you weren't my priority ... and all they want to hear and feel is ... BUT NOW YOU ARE!
Well said
Well said.
Whew, we do still have some level of this but really need to increase this. My downward spiral is to anger and condemnation which leads me to fatigue and depression and it’s just ugly. I so love that today he told me, “ hey, I really get how angry you are, what can I do for you, I knowI caused this”. It stopped the downward flow because he saw me and heard me. We are only weeks away from months away do multiple disclosures, his struggle to disentangle from all his own conflicting emotions. It’s tough, these videos are helping and he is watching too, then we discuss what each one meant to us personally. I could not put into words my own pain and now I have a better grasp of my process and a better language to describe it. Thank you.
We had done a lot of work (EMS, HH, H4H, 12-step) and finally seemed to be reaping the rewards. We were attuned to one another’s moods and needs and more connected than ever before. This lasted for almost a year. Then one day, just like that, it was as though we were back at square 1. The need to defend his position and BE understood while attacking mine returned with a vengeance. Now again, I feel incredibly alone, confused, hopeless, and so very foolish for letting my guard down again. Raw terror is 💯 accurate. My fight/flight response was so severe at one point, I was yelling and screaming, beside myself- terrified. His response was one of contempt: he told me to get control of myself, which made me feel ashamed and judged. I have lost hope that lasting, sincere transformation will really happen for us. I am now at a point where it is necessary to enforce boundaries to keep myself safe.
boundaries are essential my friend. i'm so sorry for the pain you're in and the agony of it all. i'm glad to hear you're taking care of you and prioritizing your own needs. something had to have happen inside of him to do that and I'm terribly sorry he wasn't and isn't healthy enough to deal with it.
Dear my friend, i felt for you!! I don’t know you and you don’t know me but i wish i could give you a hug!!!
I know exactly how you feel.
That pure terror overwhelms you. I thought the boundaries that I set would be respected but one of them was not, and she even thought that I was overreacting.
I wish I could hug you as well, hopefully you have been able to heal my friend
In the past when other issues were addressed she did the bare minimum for a time, then back to the old behavior... like... ok, just do it till he forgets about it then I can stop cleaning the house and sit on the couch watching TV all day while he works.
This is one problem I’m having with my wife. I don’t feel she understands how bad I’m hurting. She isn’t empathetic at all. If she notices I’m having an “off day” she immediately gets upset. I have told her it’s normal and all I need is a bit of time to deal with the flooding, but she keeps telling me if I can’t “get over it” we aren’t going to make it as a couple. I try to tell her she has healing to do on her own to understand how I feel. She has apologized profusely, but I know she hasn’t forgiven herself. If she had she would not get so offensive and angry when I’m not “acting normal” as she says it.
She had major issues growing up, and I realize those are part of the problem and why she cheated. However, she isn’t willing to get help to move past and gain closure on all of those issues to help her feel more complete in her life.
I relate to alot of what you're going through man. You and your wife will be in my prayers 2nite.
Thank you Samuel. Great talk. Given the heartache you both are going through, concerned that you all are ok. You are looking thin… take care of yourself my friend.
thank you so much for the kind words. i'm doing very well. i've lost weight, but needed to so i'm feeling good. thank you so much for your concern.
TERROR is a perfect description.
I think that this topic and advise is absolute gold for all married couples who really want to make it
Thank you so much!! I am the betrayed wife and you don’t know how much I appreciate you for information!!!
Thank you this is exactly what I needed to hear how do we do empathy to each other
so glad I could help.
Being the betrayer, how do you bring yourself to have empathy when the betrayed spouse viciously tears you down by calling you filthy names and shames you with degrading comments? It's been a year and a half now that I came clean about a one night stand that happened four years ago, and my partner still lashes out at me this way. I have been empathetic, and let him have his feelings so he can feel safe, but I am beginning to have resentment for the way he continues to treat me and find myself slipping into a major depression. When I try to set boundaries with him by asking him to not be degrading to me, he turns it against me and says I am making it about me. Any advise?
it's awful that I know. if he hasn't had any expert help, it's normal to see that. not acceptable, but normal for him to lash out like that. the answer will be found in expert care to get him help for his own trauma and pain. if that can be addressed and healed, it can help him with the lashing out. is he open to that at all?
My partner's inner world was all about him and his whores... There's nothing whatsoever that he's brought with him at this point. But yet I brought him back why? Why
Same here. Always whores.
What if my spouse is a covert, narcissist, and has difficulty feeling any empathy?
i was been traumatized when my dad cheated my mom multiple times and they got separated and now my husband cheated on me.. He disregard that
Yeah and when is this oneness supposed to happen
As you should feel pain and shame because you have no idea what you did to the one that you did it to
Saying someone has no idea what they've done is false. And heapimg more shame on someone who is already in shame and pain only compounds the evil in this shit world. Anyone who has made mistakes of this gravity and is willing to admit it and do the work to rectify their issues is worthy of love, respect, compassion, and forgiveness. Mistakes should not define people and wishing more hurt on hurting souls is counter productive. I don't suggest you blindly trust someone who betrays trust but if someone is truly repentant, desires to live with integrity, does the work, they don't deserve people like you trying to make them feel worse. Some of us have mental illness and struggle with suicidal tendencies. Be careful wishing more pain and shame on people who come here for help and hope.
@@mamasworldview amen sister
❣