I think the most overlooked but debilitating aspect of ADHD is how much it impacts self esteem (which for me is directly connected to shame). And I think it's especially hard for women with the impossible high standards we grow up with. Thank you so much for putting something into words that I think so many people feel (and feel alone with).
YES! Absolutely. I was worried my psychiatrist wouldn't diagnose me because the 'only' significant impact undiagnosed ADHD had had on my life was my self esteem (whereas school, jobs etc hadn't really suffered). Luckily he was like - you do know that's significant enough to count as important.
Wow. Diagnosed around 21 months ago. I feel clearer, more certain and secure, in myself, that I've ever previously known. And in some ways I'm much worse now than before the diagnosis. No longer masking - this looks a lot like, "you got diagnosed and then you got worse, therefore you're playing up to it". No longer masking - this looks a lot like, "got diagnosed and then my personality changed." No longer putting up with shallow, lazy, prejudiced abuse - this looks a lot like intolerance. My marriage is being wheeled up the corridor to the mortuary. Some family members and former friends are now on the "turned out to be full to the brim with bitter, hateful shit" list. I'm going from strength to strength. This new life is going to cost me my old one. Please can I have that in writing? My old life was horrible. But it is scary, to stand atop this precipice thinking, shall I just leap into the unknown?
You’ve put into words something that I’ve been struggling with but didn’t know how to articulate since my late diagnosis. Little moments of shame that happen throughout the day feel like death by a thousand cuts. I don’t have the answer but please know you’re not alone!
If contradictions didn't exist, we wouldn't have a word for them. I feel in a constant state of dichotomy tbh. I am coming to realise that ADHD and ASD are the "two wolves" in conflict. Sometimes, they cancel each other out, sometimes they pull me in two.
Fucking hell. I know this shame spiral exactly. You're doing the good work, even when you're not feeling it. God, I'm sick up to here of "Don't be so hard on yourself."
I'm so grateful to hear someone talk about these conflicting post-diagnosis emotions, and to see so many in the comments relating as well... I had no idea how many people are going through the same experience as me. Thank you so much for doing what you do. 🙏
For anyone feeling like this I send you the biggest virtual hug. Rachel, thank you for putting into words what so many of us go through, I genuinely feel so much less alone here. I am agoraphobic and I keep thinking I can’t get better and that things are happening because I am… well me. But I keep hoping one day I’ll find ways to cope with this and work for better. Again, thank you.
As always..you’ve explained perfectly “shame” and the way it manifests. Thank you for being open and transparent about how this feels. It truly makes me feel less alone. Sending much love. ❤
So gratefull for you and this video ♥! My brain has been screaming at me "you're a waste of space" for the past months and I can now tie it to shame and bring it up in therapy. I have finally been diagnosed last month at 29 so there's a lot to process ( I was on a waitlist for 1,5 years due to Covid). Working on reprogramming the " it might be Adhd but I cannot self diagnose' and all the excuses I've been making in order to not appear "a know it all" or appear to just defend my 'laziness' and struggles. I thought once I had the diagnosis I would feel more confident in defending myself but it seems to be a bit trickier. Sending everyone the biggest hug 🤗
I feel similar about ASD diagnosis. Leraning to let go of my dream self by eccepting my limits and the things i can't change is a hard process im currently going through, it has been getting better since i started a little more than a year ago. There are better and worse days, but the overall is better, and the worse days are not as bad as they used to.
This is why we mask - to hide deep feelings of sadness and shame, which are normal for us to feel. Being rejected and chastised repeatedly for behaviours we have little control over is the worst part of ADHD. I watch my daughters impulsively do something annoying or reckless, and I have to fight my own ADHD impulsivity and emotional disregulation and not growl at them, because I know the emotional toll on them is worse than whatever short term annoyance they have caused others. But it is tough. And like you, i had 38 years of self-loathing and shame before diagnosis. I knew something was wrong with me, but just thinking it was because i was inherently bad. So its a core part of my personality now. Its too late for me. But not my kids.
Crying with you. Once again you put into words and described so very well what's going on inside of me. And it is the hardest thing. And I had so much hope that with medication I could be all normal and manage all my dreams and so on, and that was really mean to me that I put all of that pressure on me. I'm 40. Got my diagnosis last year, and I'm just burner out in many ways, and learning to trust me, that I can do things, if I show myself some self compassion and give myself time (that's not fitting into this system and time we live in, agreed so much), but my experiences with my shame and failing and don't even trying anymore are a deep wound. And I am a bit jealous that you can work on that with your therapist, no, I'm happy for you, but I would have wished that my therapist would have had these insights too. But he had no idea how ADHD is, and just demanded that I should have my feelings together now that I'm on medication. And that should not run away from that insane big job that was I was offered, and he influenced me to take the job, but knowing to myself that it really was not a good time and place for that kind of hurdle. I completely broke together, in panic that everybody would hate me if I failed the job. (It was illustrating a big book project, - painting was always the thing I got compliments for, the only thing that was "worthy" in me). And I had suicidal thoughts and panic up over my head, and I had to quit it. And now I stopped seeing my therapist and try to be more self compassionate, instead of beating me up. Thank you.
Thanks so much for sharing. I've had some similar experiences re: feelings of failure in my job- more to come on that one. But I'm pleased to hear you've done what's right for you! People who don't understand can drag us further into the shame pit and it takes a lot of courage to choose a different path. We will get there 💛
Dearest, darling Rachel... You are quite an amazing young lady(breathe it in, girl!)... Your story so resonates with mine too.. I have just been diagnosed at 57 years of age... All the shame, thinking "whats wrong with me" and being told the same.... Everything you have said and articulated so magically. Thank you, for helping me to feel that there is hope and fingers crossed, peaceful, organised, easy days ahead of me. God bless you, Amanda 🙏💖💖💖
thank you Rachel for taking the courage to post this video! I think shame is such a hard thing to resolve when you weren't even aware of it due to the effects of masking. After ~30 years of masking, I can totally relate to what you're saying. But as much as I hate people giving me a ton of unsolicited advice, I honestly hope you will hear me out on this one. I believe I recently found a key to solving all of my shame-related issues in a place I wasn't expecting: Rosenberg's decades-old method of non-violent communication. You might have heard of it already, but if not: please ignore the title (it's misleading) and read the bloody book! I don't know why this isn't a thing in ADHD therapy because it really, really (dis)solves so many issues with minimal effort in a truly positive, self-accepting way. Rosenberg opens a door to human interactions where judgment or shame are only symptoms of a person's feelings and needs that haven't been addressed appropriately. The method can be tricky to get your head around in the beginning and I still need a lot more practice, but the effects are truly mind-blowing. Sorry if this sounds a little abstract but in short, it is showing a way how a problem (e.g. the effects of ADHD) ceases to exist as such by reframing it as a set of needs that want to be met. The magic begins once you start communicating and living according to those needs. So, referring to ADHD as the "problem", I realized that it wasn't my dysfunctional behavior that was causing problems but the fact I couldn't communicate my specific needs to others. To give you a simple example: I have stopped accepting "boring" assignments from clients since I can only motivate myself when something is challenging enough.
I am still awaiting my NHS assessment at 53 (right to choose NHS) but I am pretty sure I have adhd (imposter syndrome aside) and I relate to absolutely everything you said about shame. I think you're a wonderful young woman and I often wish I knew you in the real world. Thank you for your openness and your courage in sharing feelings so many of us struggle with. Xx
@@rachdoesyoutube I received my diagnosis on Friday. Combined adhd. Meds start soon. I feel anxious but less so because of your channel. So thanks again. ❤️
I'm about to face my diagnosis in early April, and they've already pretty much confirmed autism, but ADHD is still up there. Watching your videos is helping me prepare. Thank you for being so honest even about the negatives.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for communicating what l can’t 😢 I am 45 and just diagnosed waiting for medication. I was also told I have low grade depression most probably because of my late diagnosis. You express your emotions and feelings so well…you are helping me understand how my own brain works..l am discovering how l am so not self aware of my feelings and emotions, but l am waking up to them & hoping meds may help me discover myself more ❤ Thank you again! Love from Australia
Rachel, you have made huge progress just by realizing that something was still buzzing around in your head, and causing you to feel bad. Taking steps to identify or put a name to what was bothering you and doing the work by reading and talking with your doctor are such huge steps forward. When people who have done work on themselves realize something still is not right and go back to working on themselves, that is real growth and progress. That is an awareness that you didn't have before. Before, you may not have had the skill or energy to act on getting yourself sorted out. I hope you can see your progress. Cheers.
Rachel, I'm going through exactly the same thing you did. It's so painful, but what a relief to hear that I'm not alone. Glad that you're better now than the time of this video.
This video was exactly what I needed to see/hear right now 😮 I turned 37 this year, got diagnosed with adhd half a year ago ,and have been struggling with the exact same things you're describing here. I've been trying to share more of the stuff that us happening on the inside to the people close to me, which overall seems to help (for both parties) and Ive been noticing that when I tell people when I'm feeling ashamed of something, the emphatic responses are huge❤ ("fun" fact,when someone would tell me they're feeling shame for similar things I usually shamepit into, I'd feel so bad for them😢 probably cry myself because I'd feel their pain, would immediately try to make them feel better, and hug and hug and hug... But when it comes down to how I respond to my own feelings of shame, it'd be like getting judged by the meanest biggest bully imaginable 😞) But what hit me the most about your story is all the little moments of hurt, the cuts, we feel dailey can allmost all be described as shame😢 it makes me sad to realise this, but also helps me to understand what is happening better. And after 11 months of therapy I can say with 100% certainty that understanding why is the first step towards empathy towards yourself and healing/ working on it. I'm going to check out the Shame Resilience Theory article, and share this with some adhd folks around me that I'm sure will benefit from this video a lot as well ❤️ Thank you so much for sharing your story in complete and pure vulnerability 🙏 I hope you are feeling better ,and you find ways to be more empathetic towards yourself ❤ (also,I'm choosing to ignore ny brainbully who is convinced that this comment is way to long and bot interesting to read for anybody 😌 f*ck you, brainbully 🤸
I just self assessed and realized I have the combined type adhd at 50 years old after many hours of research recently, so this is all new to me. I have already scheduled to be tested but it’s not until June. I have watched some of your videos and love them and how well you articulate and describe everything! You’re able to describe a lot of what I feel but can’t describe myself. Thanks for doing these videos! 🙏🏻
Thank You for this super relatable video! To me it feels like I will never be able to do as good as nt people and that makes me feel ashamed. But right now, as I am burning out again, I am understanding that I too need to take audit of my life - all of the apsects - and make changes to create an environment that works with my brain. I don't know how to do this, I guess tracking emotions and activities, thoughts throughout the day could be the first step. There is also shame around needing meds to be "normal", "functional". It's amazing to me to see nt people going to work, doing well there, going home and doing housework like no problem AND THEN having enough energy and inspiration to do a hobby....That is a mysery to me.
Trapped in a world that's always ON! That's how I feel so desperately and deeply. Ever so consuming. Too often I feel like I'm not made for this world, or I don't belong. Feel like a freak or something. It's too fake, too corrupt, too oppressive, too superficial, too cruel, too fast, too alienating, too loud, too unloving, too too too too....
I feel your pain sweetheart. The diagnosis can be a very mixed bag of emotions. I was 47 and now 57 when I got a diagnosis. Back in the 70's they tested me diagnosised me and did nothing. I struggled through my whole life and questioned why do I feel different, not in a good way. I'm much older than you so I'm gonna give you some motherly advice. First of all.. you are magical,, this is where we learn to love ourselves for our authentic self with lots of daily affirmation. This is daily, it's ok to have daily talks with yourself. It's about being kind to ourselves, for the first time. This takes practice. ❤ be gentle with yourself.
Thank-you for sharing this. Truely. When you are diagnosed... It's like! AH! This is why I feel/think/do the things I do! And, then it's like... Okay. Well, now that I know, what am I gonna do about it?! CAN I even do something about it? It's overwhelming! But, you're doing the things. You're doing lots of GOOD things. And it's okay to be bad at stuff. Everyone is bad at stuff. And a lot of that stuff doesn't really even matter if you're bad at it. A lot of the time, as someone who is sensitive, you've placed more meaning into something that, if you step back and look at it, it's not a big deal. Don't lose sight of the fact that we struggle, and then we overcome the struggle. You're doing great! Take care!
Jeees, I cannot even tell you how well you've articulated exactly how I've been feeling 😩 thank you SO much for sharing this and I'm so glad you're feeling much more hopeful about it. I'm currently on the waiting list for an assessment so there's a fun added layer of ✨imposter syndrome✨ 🙃 but after almost 2 years of research and educating myself on it, I'm pretty certain I have ADHD, and I'm just waiting on the confirmation. We all know the waiting lists are long, so regardless of the outcome, I've just tried to understand myself better and there's so much positivity that comes from a diagnosis or potential one in my case. But also the old razzle dazzle of an ✨ existential crisis✨ 😂 because there's so much internalised crap to sort through to try and shift your perspective to make positive changes, that it really does get overwhelming and the shame spiral is very much a constant. But the way you've explained it has helped me so much it's so hard to explain something to people that you don't even fully understand yourself yet. I'm sorry if I'm rambling, but basically, it's almost like you've taken all of my jumbled thoughts and feelings which ultimately, is a lot of shame and you've put them into sentences I can actually understand. It's very rare that I actually comment on RUclips videos but I just had to say the biggest thank you for sharing this, you have no idea how much you've made me feel seen. Sending you all the love, I hope you're doing ok! And yes, we can do hard things ❤️
'the old razzle dazzle of an existential crisis' might be the most relatable sentence I've heard 😂 No need to apologise at all - it helps me to read how this has helped you (inception or what!) because I'm trying to work out how I can best help others, so this is insightful! Thanks so much for being here and taking the time to share how you're feeling too 💛
@@rachdoesyoutube Haha! I should get it printed on a t-shirt 😂😂 And you're welcome! You really are helping people! It's so comforting to see so many people (especially women) talking about adhd online and their own experiences with it because I've learnt more from people online than I ever have anywhere else! Not to mention how seen and understood it makes myself and so many others feel 🥹 I hope you're doing well! Keep doing what you're doing 🧡✨✨
ADHD is linked to GAD and major depression disorder. im still figuring out medications. but its normal for ppl with ADHD to be on anxiety /depression meds. i find meditation has been helping alot as well. Hope others in similar situations are able to work things out and get back on track.
Yessss. Still awaiting the results of my testing, but fairly certain that a diagnosis is simply a formality at this point. Anyway, I’m 41, so I’ve spent the last 20+ years as an adult wondering what was wrong with me and being ashamed that I couldn’t keep my house clean, ever, and wondering why I couldn’t get better grades in college, knowing I had the intelligence to do so… so much makes sense now.
Hi Rachel, firstly THANK YOU for being so open and honest. Our journeys have been very similar and you have helped me more than you'll ever know. I feel the same way today as you did in this video and what you said about not having time to process your emotions in the fast paced lifestyle we all have hit the nail on the head. I feel like I need at least an hour a day minimum to try and do this but can't 👎 I honestly cried along with you, you've described how im feeling better than I ever could and I'm going to show my husband this video. I thought being diagnosed and getting meds was this amazing cure and everything would be better, but then had the shocking realisation that it wasn't. Sure my concentration and focus is a lot better but they don't help with the emotional side of things. I'm still so dysregulated and my pmdd hits like tornado every month filling me with 100 X the shame I always have. Also what you said about never not having shame and feeling like you're the problem and if you could fix yourself it would be better, that hit me hard. I'm so happy you're getting help, I am too, being diagnosed as an adult is like going through a grieving process and it's going to take a long time to undo a lifetime of self hatred. But we will get there, we got this ❤️ keep being you, you're not the problem X X X
❤Excellent view on rejection sensitivity that comes with adhd. ❤After I read Brene Brown on shame (years before my diagnosis), I wanted to buy her book for all my friends. ❤Society doesn't give us time to process.
Omg mentioning how you dont always trust your feelings because of how changeable they are really hit me hard! I have a real issue with boundary setting and i think youve just added a puzzle piece to that! With my first parter i would often nof bring up things that would upset/annoy or that made me feel uncomfy and I think that was in part because I knew they would go away by the next day. Lightbulb moment!
Wow, so raw and honest and totally relatable. Thank you for sharing and showing your vulnerability. Lots of aha moments. I’m so sharing this with my therapist. I can’t thank you enough, this helps me so much!!! ❤
Wow,your mirroring exactly how I feel to in this video,.when your heads been up your backside so long,and other meds made it worse,.and go through a period putting up with it all of everything,.currently waiting on a decision and it’s killing me,but watching folk like yourself talk like I’m feeling actually does help validate it,.your not alone on these feeling pal
You've completely summed up so much of what ive been feeling but stuggle to put into words. This was so vulnerable and not something i ever felt i could put into words with even a friend, let alone youtube. You've made me feel not so alone and goven me some hope.
Your actually the first ADHD content creator that i am identifying with personaly. I applaud you for your work as its very insightful and well communicated. I will recommend breathwork for the time/depth of internal clarity to face shame.
Hi Rachel, I was also recently (Nov 21) diagnosed with adhd inattentive type at age of 46. Your post regarding shame is very poignant and something i’ve carried for many decades, not having improved with time. I do beat myself up a lot less now. I’m yet to try meds but fingers crossed it will be a help. I expect your channel will be a success as it is so very honest!
What helps, sometimes, with the shame issues is getting kind of scientific about how I think about it. Where I view the world as being deterministic, and that the things I do, and the ways I am aren't and weren't ever in my control. That my consciousness is just along for the ride through this temporal oddity we call life. And that makes me feel better about myself, but also makes me feel terrible about existence. So I trade in some shame for some existential despair.
I have suspected for some time but was only diagnosed ADHD a few months ago. I am a 54 year old man. The meds. help and hurt at the same time. Not sure right now if I am better or worse off. I do know that I am tired. One of your videos popped up yesterday , by the way. Oddly, I was searching for 'causes of unexplained inventory discrepancies '. 🤣
Wow, excellent video. I'm currently getting diagnosed, and I've come to realise that whether I qualify as officially ADHD or not, the shame is a big part of who I am. Not looking forward to going through the shame like you described but hey, what else am I gonna do. We can do hard things.
I couldn't relate more. So relieved someone could put the words on it. Thank you❤keep up the good work with the videos, etc. You are helping with every video you do. You were a part of what made me choose to start with medication, etc. 🙏❤
Thanks for this. I am currently continuing to struggle a lot with shame and not feeling like I can or ever will be sure that my meds are right and a bunch of shame about neglecting my needs and not doing things simply because a couple times I didn’t wash a house mates air fryer after using it and he wrote a note saying to clean something straight away if I’m going to use it. Also my autistic ass never feeling like I can fully understand the contradictions of both Autism and ADHD is so damn stressful and hopeless so I appreciate you discussing your experiences with contradictions too.
And also, who am I if I am not my symptoms, right? Once I realized I had ADHD, all those symptoms that had been rationalized as character deficits OR something brilliant about me became just a list of symptoms. Your IDENTITY goes into a completely fluid state. Whoa!!!!!! That is a new PTSD kind of rollar coaster. Muggles don't struggle with identity in that tsunami way we do once diagnosed. Yes, it's shame but its also groundlessness. That groundlessness is difficult to embrace, but that's the work.
Wow! You've managed to articulate so many things that resonate with my own experience. I'm 56 and have never been diagnosed ( I'm currently on a very long waiting list to get into a diagnostic program ). I finally decided to make the effort after noticing my struggles are only getting worse with age and after taking my daughter's medication, recently, and being absolutely flabbergasted at the difference ( the feeling of ease and ability to execute tasks so much more easily .... OMG! ). My daughter was diagnosed 10 or more years ago. For some reason, I felt like she was experiencing so many things differently than myself that I constantly thought I must just have some other issue(s). Her ADHD gave her a lot more stress at school despite being incredibly intelligent. I never had any problems at school and breezed right through ( probably mainly due to a really good photographic memory that has since worn off quite a bit ). She also struggled a lot more socially. I always played just about every sport out there and hung out with tons of different people. She and I share a plethora of experiences, though. I've always known there was something going on with me ( I've always needed music or movies to be able to fall asleep, for instance, as they calm my brain enough to actually fall asleep ). Anyway, what you've articulated about your own shame and sensitivity and self-worth resonate profoundly with my own experiences.
I feel you❤ I've known that there was something with me but being a child and a girl, ADHD wasn't a thing. now im 46 I realize that. I have shame my whole life, now that I know, a weight has been lifted because now I know and also it's nice to know that I'm not the only person in the world that goes through the same thing day by day the struggles anxiety things not getting done, etc.
Man this video is so relatable and important, thank you! When you were speaking about the honeymoon period and then the following realisation (I felt it was akin to grief for me) that there is that *fundamental thing* that will always be there and can be managed but not wholly changed I also 100% empathise. Interestingly I also felt the same when I found out I was asexual, i felt like I would never be able to have a 'normal relationship' and live the 'complete' human experience because it wasn't a problem with my amygdala like google told me at midnigjt, or a low libido, its just who I am. But im at the stage with it now where I have largely accepted it and I think and feel those negative things about it very rarely, so I have hope that the same can be said about ADHD.
I went through something similar with my depression and anxiety diagnosis, multiple times over the years. (hopelesness and worthlesness) Hey Google, wait your turn lol The late adhd diagnosis has felt like the missing piece.
I've very recently found your channel and... I relate to almost everything you say to the point it could be coming out of my mouth. I went to try and get a diagnose last year and apparently I don't have ADHD, it's just and anxiety syndrome. I still feel like that diagnosis was wrong, but oh well. I just decided to add a comment as one more virtual hug to say you're not alone. And thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone either. 🤗
Thank you for sharing. I've heard a few stories of people being misdiagnosed as anxiety or depression without appreciating the underlying ADHD. Don't forget it's within your right to see someone else about it (if you have the emotional energy and want to of course) 😊
Feeling like you can’t be depended on, when people skip you in certain important conversations, you feel untrustworthy. I feel hurt about it but at the same time, I honestly, can’t process certain types of information. Then, I truly feel lots of shame.
Thank you for sharing this even though you found it difficult. I have lost count of the times that friends, family and mental health professionals have said to me "You're so hard on yourself" so you mentioning thay really resonated with me. I never thought of it in the context of shame though, so i think i might have to read a couple of those books you mentioned. I'm still getting used to accepting that i do in fact have ADHD (got a diagnosis last week at 41 years old), but the more i research knowing that IS me, the more so many things make sense and your videos have been really helpful. You mention wanting to work on self-compassion, and i was recommended a book by an NHS clinical psychologist a while ago that you may or may not find helpful (I've only done the first chapter myself so far because then i spiralled down the 'am i neurodivergent?' rabbit hole and got fixated on getting the answer to that!). I think i need to go back to it now as just today another person said "you're so hard on yourself" so i need to practice some self-compassion clearly! It's "The compassionate mind workbook" by Chris Irons and Elaine Beaumont. Thank you for your content ❤
Been watching your content lately as I am 33 years old and haven't been diagnosed with anything, however i feel like i have ADHD. Going to try talk to the doctors about it all because i want to try get to the bottom of things. Thanks for your videos!
Thank you so much for sharing. It feels liberating to me that your voicing so much that I'm also feeling. The shamepit is cracked open, and how do I move forward now? And thanks for sharing your deep feelings with like, a skip in your step. It is amazing, almost entertaining (can I say that?) how bubbly you talk about shame, while crying. I relate to it, and ik helps me come to term with that two-emotions-at-the-same-time-thing in myself.
haha I'm glad you said it's entertaining and with a skip in my step because although I'm feeling some really hard things, I only like to communicate them more publically once I have some more 'peppy' perspective plus yes, the two emotions at the same time thing!
Been watching ur vids for a while rach❤im 35 female awaiting diagnosis currently 2.5 years waiting for assessment,ive known for years i have something but thought its bipolar but they think its adhd doesnt help my sister diagnosed at 12 shes now 22 but me you & her are like triplets in the sence of all this rollercoaster,stay strong girl❤love your comfort teddy too😉❤️
It is EXACTLY like a bear hunt 🐻 This video was so so powerful. Thank you so much for sharing, especially when like you said... this is the internet and you get the negative with the positive when you put something out there this vulnerable. I think by sharing these raw feelings and attempting to find a place for conclusions (no matter how unexplainable or messy they may be - because... well ... life!), you will help A LOT of people feel less alone in their complexity and bring some hope to the party❤ And as for the norms of our society not giving us time to process - I know countless people who bury everything deep down because of this, and I hope one day we will develop systems that truly gives mental health the space it deserves
Thanks for being here! Sharing bits of this with you at the beach that time helped me put the pieces together. It makes such a difference to share raw emotions with someone who can sit with you and comfort without judgement or 'fixing' 💛
I feel ashamed about saying I have ADHD. Not because I am ashamed of having it, but because I instantly feel like I am trying to make excuses for wrong behavior. But I really just want to be understood. And then I feel shame about "forcing teacher/mother/friend to be understanding of my flaws". It has come to the point where I don't even want to say the word "adhd" anymore because I am so afraid everyone will think I am trying to free myself from all responsibility and am just being a quirky 20yr old. It's not quirky and I don't want to excuse it. But I feel shame for even wanting to bring it up and talk about it
The shame of being so bloody ‘over’ sensitive to everything is like an unbearable weight on the shoulders dragging me forever under the water. A life of feeling like you’re drowning is horrendous. Having had a diagnosis a week ago I must now start to understand that the emotional regulation issues aren’t me even if they have been me and will probably always be me. Being criticised for crying where i ‘shouldn’t’ or not crying where I ‘should’ growing up, and by the people whose opinion I should respect the most, those training me to be an adult, doesn’t help. Not being told things I should have been told then the shame of finding out yourself…….family who just didn’t understand you……… Wow……I’ve just realised that my yr7 English teacher understood me……I think she was the only one! She let me do a really random talk on my motorbike and allowed me to bring it into school to talk about…….this was in 1983! I was painfully (shamefully) shy and reserved but she could see my interest in my bike could overcome everything else!
I highly recommend checking out the book Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate. He has a rather unique take on ADHD which, if true, sheds a ton of light on this element of "shame" in ADHD and shows that it's more significant than just a symptom. Reading it has changed the way I think about a lot of things.
This is the second video you've made where I just want to send it to my therapist and say "That! Just pretend I said that and let's start there." I feel the "...but if I wasn't me, it wouldn't be a problem. So, I'm the problem." all the way to my core. Thanks for putting this out there. You are amazing at communicating these things.
For me, after diagnosis, I was happy because a lot of my shortcomings made sense, and there was a path to improve. But in my brain I felt I might feel normal or get to a point where I didn't have to struggle to do normal things. Only to learn that you can't be normal. The systems and treatments are a wheelchair when you can't walk. I thought I would be may be able to walk. So I'm able to do more now but the struggle feels harder and more confusing. Perhaps because I'm learning my true limits as opposed to the limits I trained myself to believe. And those limits are surprisingly limited... haha
My wife came home after a busy day and there were dirty paw prints on the kitchen floor. I’d cleaned up my footprints after being in the garden with the dog, really chuffed with myself doing that, but……the dog didn’t come in until 10 mins after me……and I’d not put 2&2 together that he’d have made a mess. The fact I’d cleaned up after myself, the joy of that success, was utterly smashed out of the park by her moaning about the dog prints and the sinking realisation and SHAME. The shame of failure, inability to remember, process, but most of all fail to please her. Then of course I felt the need to verbally bash back at her moaning because I was so wounded. Now we repeat the cycle where she says she’s forever treading on eggs shells around me. Another weekend of silence and me second guessing what she’s thinking. So I’ll just do nothing, put the earphones on. And the shame builds.
I resonate with all of this yet at the same time feel the indulgence of privilege providing time to self analyse. It is a luxury to not struggle with more immediate issues like poverty, war, life threatening physical illness. So my shame is confounded with the guilt of privilege. Before my ADHD diagnosis I parented three young children and worked full time I had no time to think about myself. Also being Northern English with Irish ancestry we just dont self indulge with this sort of airy fairy nonsense. Its a challenge every moment of the day which I guess is bettervthan struggling to survive at all.
Yes, I understand this feeling. The best advice I've been given is to remember that whatever we struggle with, doesn't take away from someone else's struggle. I.e. feeling shame for more 'priviledged' problems, doesn't mean we aren't also compassionate to people who suffer in things like poverty. Pain is pain, no matter the cause. However, I do think a bit of perspective is always helpful, otherwise you can fold in on yourself and forget there are other problems out there in the world.
I'm not official yet, but I really wonder what it must feel like to have not felt shame and guilt everyday for the past 50 years, it's really explained my blushing and embarrassment.
I guess the question is: Do non-ADHD people not wake up and go to bed with shame every day? Do they not crave anaesthesia to be free of that for a few hours?
![Jack Harlow - Hello Miss Johnson [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Q86_nlRoIGw/mqdefault.jpg)
"I cannot set goals with metrics because when I don't reach them I feel shame."
Yeah, that resonated with me real hard.
I think the most overlooked but debilitating aspect of ADHD is how much it impacts self esteem (which for me is directly connected to shame). And I think it's especially hard for women with the impossible high standards we grow up with. Thank you so much for putting something into words that I think so many people feel (and feel alone with).
YES! Absolutely. I was worried my psychiatrist wouldn't diagnose me because the 'only' significant impact undiagnosed ADHD had had on my life was my self esteem (whereas school, jobs etc hadn't really suffered). Luckily he was like - you do know that's significant enough to count as important.
Thank you for sharing. You are so honest about your journey. Well done 😊
Wow.
Diagnosed around 21 months ago.
I feel clearer, more certain and secure, in myself, that I've ever previously known.
And in some ways I'm much worse now than before the diagnosis.
No longer masking - this looks a lot like, "you got diagnosed and then you got worse, therefore you're playing up to it".
No longer masking - this looks a lot like, "got diagnosed and then my personality changed."
No longer putting up with shallow, lazy, prejudiced abuse - this looks a lot like intolerance.
My marriage is being wheeled up the corridor to the mortuary.
Some family members and former friends are now on the "turned out to be full to the brim with bitter, hateful shit" list.
I'm going from strength to strength.
This new life is going to cost me my old one. Please can I have that in writing? My old life was horrible.
But it is scary, to stand atop this precipice thinking, shall I just leap into the unknown?
Playing up to it-criticism: thanks for pointing this out! People don't say it this way, but this is exactly what they mean.
This was powerful to read. Thanks for sharing! Yes - strength to strength ⭐
You’ve put into words something that I’ve been struggling with but didn’t know how to articulate since my late diagnosis. Little moments of shame that happen throughout the day feel like death by a thousand cuts. I don’t have the answer but please know you’re not alone!
Yes, death by a thousand cuts! Me neither, but we are in this together ⭐
Same
If contradictions didn't exist, we wouldn't have a word for them. I feel in a constant state of dichotomy tbh. I am coming to realise that ADHD and ASD are the "two wolves" in conflict. Sometimes, they cancel each other out, sometimes they pull me in two.
Yes - so true about contradictions!
Fucking hell. I know this shame spiral exactly. You're doing the good work, even when you're not feeling it.
God, I'm sick up to here of "Don't be so hard on yourself."
I'm so grateful to hear someone talk about these conflicting post-diagnosis emotions, and to see so many in the comments relating as well... I had no idea how many people are going through the same experience as me. Thank you so much for doing what you do. 🙏
Thank you for being here and taking the time to comment 💛
For anyone feeling like this I send you the biggest virtual hug.
Rachel, thank you for putting into words what so many of us go through, I genuinely feel so much less alone here. I am agoraphobic and I keep thinking I can’t get better and that things are happening because I am… well me. But I keep hoping one day I’ll find ways to cope with this and work for better. Again, thank you.
Thank you 💛 Big virtual hugs all round.
As always..you’ve explained perfectly “shame” and the way it manifests. Thank you for being open and transparent about how this feels. It truly makes me feel less alone. Sending much love. ❤
Thanks for being here again 💛
So gratefull for you and this video ♥! My brain has been screaming at me "you're a waste of space" for the past months and I can now tie it to shame and bring it up in therapy. I have finally been diagnosed last month at 29 so there's a lot to process ( I was on a waitlist for 1,5 years due to Covid). Working on reprogramming the " it might be Adhd but I cannot self diagnose' and all the excuses I've been making in order to not appear "a know it all" or appear to just defend my 'laziness' and struggles. I thought once I had the diagnosis I would feel more confident in defending myself but it seems to be a bit trickier. Sending everyone the biggest hug 🤗
Sending you big hugs!!
I feel similar about ASD diagnosis. Leraning to let go of my dream self by eccepting my limits and the things i can't change is a hard process im currently going through, it has been getting better since i started a little more than a year ago. There are better and worse days, but the overall is better, and the worse days are not as bad as they used to.
This is why we mask - to hide deep feelings of sadness and shame, which are normal for us to feel. Being rejected and chastised repeatedly for behaviours we have little control over is the worst part of ADHD. I watch my daughters impulsively do something annoying or reckless, and I have to fight my own ADHD impulsivity and emotional disregulation and not growl at them, because I know the emotional toll on them is worse than whatever short term annoyance they have caused others. But it is tough. And like you, i had 38 years of self-loathing and shame before diagnosis. I knew something was wrong with me, but just thinking it was because i was inherently bad. So its a core part of my personality now. Its too late for me. But not my kids.
Crying with you.
Once again you put into words and described so very well what's going on inside of me.
And it is the hardest thing.
And I had so much hope that with medication I could be all normal and manage all my dreams and so on, and that was really mean to me that I put all of that pressure on me.
I'm 40. Got my diagnosis last year, and I'm just burner out in many ways, and learning to trust me, that I can do things, if I show myself some self compassion and give myself time (that's not fitting into this system and time we live in, agreed so much), but my experiences with my shame and failing and don't even trying anymore are a deep wound.
And I am a bit jealous that you can work on that with your therapist, no, I'm happy for you, but I would have wished that my therapist would have had these insights too.
But he had no idea how ADHD is, and just demanded that I should have my feelings together now that I'm on medication. And that should not run away from that insane big job that was I was offered, and he influenced me to take the job, but knowing to myself that it really was not a good time and place for that kind of hurdle.
I completely broke together, in panic that everybody would hate me if I failed the job. (It was illustrating a big book project, - painting was always the thing I got compliments for, the only thing that was "worthy" in me).
And I had suicidal thoughts and panic up over my head, and I had to quit it. And now I stopped seeing my therapist and try to be more self compassionate, instead of beating me up.
Thank you.
Thanks so much for sharing. I've had some similar experiences re: feelings of failure in my job- more to come on that one. But I'm pleased to hear you've done what's right for you! People who don't understand can drag us further into the shame pit and it takes a lot of courage to choose a different path. We will get there 💛
Dearest, darling Rachel... You are quite an amazing young lady(breathe it in, girl!)... Your story so resonates with mine too.. I have just been diagnosed at 57 years of age... All the shame, thinking "whats wrong with me" and being told the same.... Everything you have said and articulated so magically.
Thank you, for helping me to feel that there is hope and fingers crossed, peaceful, organised, easy days ahead of me.
God bless you,
Amanda 🙏💖💖💖
"If I wasn't me it wouldn't be a problem, so I am the problem..."
Ouch, Really felt that one way to hard
thank you Rachel for taking the courage to post this video! I think shame is such a hard thing to resolve when you weren't even aware of it due to the effects of masking. After ~30 years of masking, I can totally relate to what you're saying.
But as much as I hate people giving me a ton of unsolicited advice, I honestly hope you will hear me out on this one.
I believe I recently found a key to solving all of my shame-related issues in a place I wasn't expecting: Rosenberg's decades-old method of non-violent communication. You might have heard of it already, but if not: please ignore the title (it's misleading) and read the bloody book! I don't know why this isn't a thing in ADHD therapy because it really, really (dis)solves so many issues with minimal effort in a truly positive, self-accepting way.
Rosenberg opens a door to human interactions where judgment or shame are only symptoms of a person's feelings and needs that haven't been addressed appropriately.
The method can be tricky to get your head around in the beginning and I still need a lot more practice, but the effects are truly mind-blowing. Sorry if this sounds a little abstract but in short, it is showing a way how a problem (e.g. the effects of ADHD) ceases to exist as such by reframing it as a set of needs that want to be met. The magic begins once you start communicating and living according to those needs. So, referring to ADHD as the "problem", I realized that it wasn't my dysfunctional behavior that was causing problems but the fact I couldn't communicate my specific needs to others. To give you a simple example: I have stopped accepting "boring" assignments from clients since I can only motivate myself when something is challenging enough.
This is so interesting! Thanks SO much for sharing. I will read up on it!
This was an excellent commentary, deserves more views.
Thank you 💛
I am still awaiting my NHS assessment at 53 (right to choose NHS) but I am pretty sure I have adhd (imposter syndrome aside) and I relate to absolutely everything you said about shame. I think you're a wonderful young woman and I often wish I knew you in the real world. Thank you for your openness and your courage in sharing feelings so many of us struggle with. Xx
This world is quite real, you know. (I don't mean The Matrix style irony.)
Thank you so much 💛
@@rachdoesyoutube I received my diagnosis on Friday. Combined adhd. Meds start soon. I feel anxious but less so because of your channel. So thanks again. ❤️
@@michelleryan1771 Congratulations! Looking forward to hearing more about how it's going for you.
I'm about to face my diagnosis in early April, and they've already pretty much confirmed autism, but ADHD is still up there. Watching your videos is helping me prepare. Thank you for being so honest even about the negatives.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for communicating what l can’t 😢 I am 45 and just diagnosed waiting for medication. I was also told I have low grade depression most probably because of my late diagnosis. You express your emotions and feelings so well…you are helping me understand how my own brain works..l am discovering how l am so not self aware of my feelings and emotions, but l am waking up to them & hoping meds may help me discover myself more ❤ Thank you again! Love from Australia
Thank you! And thanks for being here 💛
Rachel, you have made huge progress just by realizing that something was still buzzing around in your head, and causing you to feel bad. Taking steps to identify or put a name to what was bothering you and doing the work by reading and talking with your doctor are such huge steps forward. When people who have done work on themselves realize something still is not right and go back to working on themselves, that is real growth and progress. That is an awareness that you didn't have before. Before, you may not have had the skill or energy to act on getting yourself sorted out. I hope you can see your progress. Cheers.
This is a beautiful comment, thank so much for saying that 💖
Rachel, I'm going through exactly the same thing you did. It's so painful, but what a relief to hear that I'm not alone. Glad that you're better now than the time of this video.
You're certainly not alone 💛 I feel considerably better now than I did when I posted this video. Thanks for being here!
This video was exactly what I needed to see/hear right now 😮
I turned 37 this year, got diagnosed with adhd half a year ago ,and have been struggling with the exact same things you're describing here. I've been trying to share more of the stuff that us happening on the inside to the people close to me, which overall seems to help (for both parties) and Ive been noticing that when I tell people when I'm feeling ashamed of something, the emphatic responses are huge❤
("fun" fact,when someone would tell me they're feeling shame for similar things I usually shamepit into, I'd feel so bad for them😢 probably cry myself because I'd feel their pain, would immediately try to make them feel better, and hug and hug and hug... But when it comes down to how I respond to my own feelings of shame, it'd be like getting judged by the meanest biggest bully imaginable 😞)
But what hit me the most about your story is all the little moments of hurt, the cuts, we feel dailey can allmost all be described as shame😢 it makes me sad to realise this, but also helps me to understand what is happening better. And after 11 months of therapy I can say with 100% certainty that understanding why is the first step towards empathy towards yourself and healing/ working on it. I'm going to check out the Shame Resilience Theory article, and share this with some adhd folks around me that I'm sure will benefit from this video a lot as well ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing your story in complete and pure vulnerability 🙏 I hope you are feeling better ,and you find ways to be more empathetic towards yourself ❤
(also,I'm choosing to ignore ny brainbully who is convinced that this comment is way to long and bot interesting to read for anybody 😌
f*ck you, brainbully 🤸
I just self assessed and realized I have the combined type adhd at 50 years old after many hours of research recently, so this is all new to me. I have already scheduled to be tested but it’s not until June. I have watched some of your videos and love them and how well you articulate and describe everything! You’re able to describe a lot of what I feel but can’t describe myself. Thanks for doing these videos! 🙏🏻
I’m glad you are feeling better now. I can totally relate with this ups and down’s, it’s very hard to deal with this rollercoaster of emotions.
Thank You for this super relatable video!
To me it feels like I will never be able to do as good as nt people and that makes me feel ashamed. But right now, as I am burning out again, I am understanding that I too need to take audit of my life - all of the apsects - and make changes to create an environment that works with my brain. I don't know how to do this, I guess tracking emotions and activities, thoughts throughout the day could be the first step. There is also shame around needing meds to be "normal", "functional". It's amazing to me to see nt people going to work, doing well there, going home and doing housework like no problem AND THEN having enough energy and inspiration to do a hobby....That is a mysery to me.
Yes, I totally understand where you're at. Well if there's anything specific you think would be helpful, let me know and I'll create a video 💫
Trapped in a world that's always ON! That's how I feel so desperately and deeply. Ever so consuming.
Too often I feel like I'm not made for this world, or I don't belong. Feel like a freak or something.
It's too fake, too corrupt, too oppressive, too superficial, too cruel, too fast, too alienating, too loud, too unloving, too too too too....
I feel your pain sweetheart. The diagnosis can be a very mixed bag of emotions. I was 47 and now 57 when I got a diagnosis.
Back in the 70's they tested me diagnosised me and did nothing. I struggled through my whole life and questioned why do I feel different, not in a good way. I'm much older than you so I'm gonna give you some motherly advice. First of all.. you are magical,, this is where we learn to love ourselves for our authentic self with lots of daily affirmation. This is daily, it's ok to have daily talks with yourself. It's about being kind to ourselves, for the first time. This takes practice. ❤ be gentle with yourself.
I can really relate. Honestly I felt like I was listening to my own train of thought thoughout most of this.
Hope you're well!
Thank-you for sharing this. Truely. When you are diagnosed... It's like! AH! This is why I feel/think/do the things I do! And, then it's like... Okay. Well, now that I know, what am I gonna do about it?! CAN I even do something about it? It's overwhelming! But, you're doing the things. You're doing lots of GOOD things. And it's okay to be bad at stuff. Everyone is bad at stuff. And a lot of that stuff doesn't really even matter if you're bad at it. A lot of the time, as someone who is sensitive, you've placed more meaning into something that, if you step back and look at it, it's not a big deal. Don't lose sight of the fact that we struggle, and then we overcome the struggle. You're doing great! Take care!
Thank you so much! This lifted my spirits - what a pep talk! 💛 I need to print this and stick it on my wall.
Jeees, I cannot even tell you how well you've articulated exactly how I've been feeling 😩 thank you SO much for sharing this and I'm so glad you're feeling much more hopeful about it.
I'm currently on the waiting list for an assessment so there's a fun added layer of ✨imposter syndrome✨ 🙃 but after almost 2 years of research and educating myself on it, I'm pretty certain I have ADHD, and I'm just waiting on the confirmation.
We all know the waiting lists are long, so regardless of the outcome, I've just tried to understand myself better and there's so much positivity that comes from a diagnosis or potential one in my case. But also the old razzle dazzle of an ✨ existential crisis✨ 😂 because there's so much internalised crap to sort through to try and shift your perspective to make positive changes, that it really does get overwhelming and the shame spiral is very much a constant.
But the way you've explained it has helped me so much it's so hard to explain something to people that you don't even fully understand yourself yet.
I'm sorry if I'm rambling, but basically, it's almost like you've taken all of my jumbled thoughts and feelings which ultimately, is a lot of shame and you've put them into sentences I can actually understand.
It's very rare that I actually comment on RUclips videos but I just had to say the biggest thank you for sharing this, you have no idea how much you've made me feel seen.
Sending you all the love, I hope you're doing ok! And yes, we can do hard things ❤️
'the old razzle dazzle of an existential crisis' might be the most relatable sentence I've heard 😂 No need to apologise at all - it helps me to read how this has helped you (inception or what!) because I'm trying to work out how I can best help others, so this is insightful! Thanks so much for being here and taking the time to share how you're feeling too 💛
@@rachdoesyoutube Haha! I should get it printed on a t-shirt 😂😂
And you're welcome! You really are helping people! It's so comforting to see so many people (especially women) talking about adhd online and their own experiences with it because I've learnt more from people online than I ever have anywhere else! Not to mention how seen and understood it makes myself and so many others feel 🥹
I hope you're doing well! Keep doing what you're doing 🧡✨✨
@@toniallen7942 💛(also yes, I'd buy that t-shirt!)
ADHD is linked to GAD and major depression disorder. im still figuring out medications. but its normal for ppl with ADHD to be on anxiety /depression meds. i find meditation has been helping alot as well. Hope others in similar situations are able to work things out and get back on track.
Yessss. Still awaiting the results of my testing, but fairly certain that a diagnosis is simply a formality at this point. Anyway, I’m 41, so I’ve spent the last 20+ years as an adult wondering what was wrong with me and being ashamed that I couldn’t keep my house clean, ever, and wondering why I couldn’t get better grades in college, knowing I had the intelligence to do so… so much makes sense now.
Hi Rachel, firstly THANK YOU for being so open and honest. Our journeys have been very similar and you have helped me more than you'll ever know. I feel the same way today as you did in this video and what you said about not having time to process your emotions in the fast paced lifestyle we all have hit the nail on the head. I feel like I need at least an hour a day minimum to try and do this but can't 👎 I honestly cried along with you, you've described how im feeling better than I ever could and I'm going to show my husband this video. I thought being diagnosed and getting meds was this amazing cure and everything would be better, but then had the shocking realisation that it wasn't. Sure my concentration and focus is a lot better but they don't help with the emotional side of things. I'm still so dysregulated and my pmdd hits like tornado every month filling me with 100 X the shame I always have. Also what you said about never not having shame and feeling like you're the problem and if you could fix yourself it would be better, that hit me hard. I'm so happy you're getting help, I am too, being diagnosed as an adult is like going through a grieving process and it's going to take a long time to undo a lifetime of self hatred. But we will get there, we got this ❤️ keep being you, you're not the problem X X X
Thank you 💛 I feel like you've been right beside me this whole time, and I really appreciate it! Keep being you also! 🌈
@@rachdoesyoutube you too ❤️ I dunno where I'd be without your videos to be honest X X
That had me in tears.
You really are good at putting it in words.
Thanks for being here 💖
❤ recognizing everything you touch upon.
I cried through the whole thing! Spot on!
10 months since diagnosed @56 …
Thanks for being here 💛
❤Excellent view on rejection sensitivity that comes with adhd.
❤After I read Brene Brown on shame (years before my diagnosis), I wanted to buy her book for all my friends.
❤Society doesn't give us time to process.
Thank you so much for sharing this vulnerable moment with us. I feel much less alone ❤
Omg mentioning how you dont always trust your feelings because of how changeable they are really hit me hard! I have a real issue with boundary setting and i think youve just added a puzzle piece to that! With my first parter i would often nof bring up things that would upset/annoy or that made me feel uncomfy and I think that was in part because I knew they would go away by the next day. Lightbulb moment!
Thank you so much for so beautifully and vulnerably putting a name to the feeling I’ve been having.
Thank you and thanks for being here 💛
Wow, so raw and honest and totally relatable. Thank you for sharing and showing your vulnerability. Lots of aha moments. I’m so sharing this with my therapist. I can’t thank you enough, this helps me so much!!! ❤
Thank you 💖
Wow,your mirroring exactly how I feel to in this video,.when your heads been up your backside so long,and other meds made it worse,.and go through a period putting up with it all of everything,.currently waiting on a decision and it’s killing me,but watching folk like yourself talk like I’m feeling actually does help validate it,.your not alone on these feeling pal
You've completely summed up so much of what ive been feeling but stuggle to put into words. This was so vulnerable and not something i ever felt i could put into words with even a friend, let alone youtube. You've made me feel not so alone and goven me some hope.
Thanks Sarah, and thank you so much for the super thanks! You are certainly not alone 💛
This is where I am right now. 🙁
I know it will change. At 62 I’m used to it. Just need to keep to myself while I right myself.
Your actually the first ADHD content creator that i am identifying with personaly. I applaud you for your work as its very insightful and well communicated. I will recommend breathwork for the time/depth of internal clarity to face shame.
Thank you, I'm so glad to hear that 🙏💛
This video helped more than I could have imagined it.
I'm so glad to hear that 💛
Really great and important video, thanks for sharing ❤
Thanks for watching 💛
Hi Rachel,
I was also recently (Nov 21) diagnosed with adhd inattentive type at age of 46. Your post regarding shame is very poignant and something i’ve carried for many decades, not having improved with time. I do beat myself up a lot less now. I’m yet to try meds but fingers crossed it will be a help. I expect your channel will be a success as it is so very honest!
What helps, sometimes, with the shame issues is getting kind of scientific about how I think about it. Where I view the world as being deterministic, and that the things I do, and the ways I am aren't and weren't ever in my control. That my consciousness is just along for the ride through this temporal oddity we call life. And that makes me feel better about myself, but also makes me feel terrible about existence. So I trade in some shame for some existential despair.
I have suspected for some time but was only diagnosed ADHD a few months ago. I am a 54 year old man. The meds. help and hurt at the same time. Not sure right now if I am better or worse off. I do know that I am tired.
One of your videos popped up yesterday , by the way. Oddly, I was searching for 'causes of unexplained inventory discrepancies '. 🤣
haha not sure what the algorithm was doing there but grateful you ended up here!
Wow, excellent video. I'm currently getting diagnosed, and I've come to realise that whether I qualify as officially ADHD or not, the shame is a big part of who I am. Not looking forward to going through the shame like you described but hey, what else am I gonna do. We can do hard things.
We CAN do hard things 💛
I couldn't relate more. So relieved someone could put the words on it. Thank you❤keep up the good work with the videos, etc. You are helping with every video you do. You were a part of what made me choose to start with medication, etc. 🙏❤
Thank you so much 💛 Glad to be a help in any way!
Thank you Rachel for your sharing. Your words are soooo acurate, I feel you... ❤ 😢
Thanks for watching 💛
Thanks for this. I am currently continuing to struggle a lot with shame and not feeling like I can or ever will be sure that my meds are right and a bunch of shame about neglecting my needs and not doing things simply because a couple times I didn’t wash a house mates air fryer after using it and he wrote a note saying to clean something straight away if I’m going to use it. Also my autistic ass never feeling like I can fully understand the contradictions of both Autism and ADHD is so damn stressful and hopeless so I appreciate you discussing your experiences with contradictions too.
Thanks Rachel, Im 50 and only started on ADHD meds at 49. Great to watch your videos. speaks from my heart too. xx
Thanks for watching 💛
And also, who am I if I am not my symptoms, right? Once I realized I had ADHD, all those symptoms that had been rationalized as character deficits OR something brilliant about me became just a list of symptoms. Your IDENTITY goes into a completely fluid state. Whoa!!!!!! That is a new PTSD kind of rollar coaster. Muggles don't struggle with identity in that tsunami way we do once diagnosed. Yes, it's shame but its also groundlessness. That groundlessness is difficult to embrace, but that's the work.
This was so good. Nailed it for me too.
Wow
Thankyou so much for sharing and articulating how it feels
Now I see my shame! I've been rationalising it too much to understand tha I felt it! Thank you
Oof what a great realisation! Thanks for being here 💛
Wow! You've managed to articulate so many things that resonate with my own experience. I'm 56 and have never been diagnosed ( I'm currently on a very long waiting list to get into a diagnostic program ). I finally decided to make the effort after noticing my struggles are only getting worse with age and after taking my daughter's medication, recently, and being absolutely flabbergasted at the difference ( the feeling of ease and ability to execute tasks so much more easily .... OMG! ). My daughter was diagnosed 10 or more years ago. For some reason, I felt like she was experiencing so many things differently than myself that I constantly thought I must just have some other issue(s). Her ADHD gave her a lot more stress at school despite being incredibly intelligent. I never had any problems at school and breezed right through ( probably mainly due to a really good photographic memory that has since worn off quite a bit ). She also struggled a lot more socially. I always played just about every sport out there and hung out with tons of different people. She and I share a plethora of experiences, though. I've always known there was something going on with me ( I've always needed music or movies to be able to fall asleep, for instance, as they calm my brain enough to actually fall asleep ). Anyway, what you've articulated about your own shame and sensitivity and self-worth resonate profoundly with my own experiences.
Thank you for watching and sharing your experiences 💛
Thank you for this discussion. Hugs. Big hugs if you like hugs.
hehe I do like hugs, thanks 💛
I feel you❤ I've known that there was something with me but being a child and a girl, ADHD wasn't a thing. now im 46 I realize that. I have shame my whole life, now that I know, a weight has been lifted because now I know and also it's nice to know that I'm not the only person in the world that goes through the same thing day by day the struggles anxiety things not getting done, etc.
Yes!! 💖
Man this video is so relatable and important, thank you!
When you were speaking about the honeymoon period and then the following realisation (I felt it was akin to grief for me) that there is that *fundamental thing* that will always be there and can be managed but not wholly changed I also 100% empathise.
Interestingly I also felt the same when I found out I was asexual, i felt like I would never be able to have a 'normal relationship' and live the 'complete' human experience because it wasn't a problem with my amygdala like google told me at midnigjt, or a low libido, its just who I am. But im at the stage with it now where I have largely accepted it and I think and feel those negative things about it very rarely, so I have hope that the same can be said about ADHD.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are courageous! Exactly what i Needed to hear today.
I went through something similar with my depression and anxiety diagnosis, multiple times over the years. (hopelesness and worthlesness)
Hey Google, wait your turn lol
The late adhd diagnosis has felt like the missing piece.
I've very recently found your channel and... I relate to almost everything you say to the point it could be coming out of my mouth. I went to try and get a diagnose last year and apparently I don't have ADHD, it's just and anxiety syndrome. I still feel like that diagnosis was wrong, but oh well. I just decided to add a comment as one more virtual hug to say you're not alone. And thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone either. 🤗
Thank you for sharing. I've heard a few stories of people being misdiagnosed as anxiety or depression without appreciating the underlying ADHD. Don't forget it's within your right to see someone else about it (if you have the emotional energy and want to of course) 😊
Feeling like you can’t be depended on, when people skip you in certain important conversations, you feel untrustworthy. I feel hurt about it but at the same time, I honestly, can’t process certain types of information. Then, I truly feel lots of shame.
Thx for sharing this, hope you are feeling better
Thank you. I am honestly feeling INCREDIBLY better!
Thank you for sharing this even though you found it difficult. I have lost count of the times that friends, family and mental health professionals have said to me "You're so hard on yourself" so you mentioning thay really resonated with me. I never thought of it in the context of shame though, so i think i might have to read a couple of those books you mentioned. I'm still getting used to accepting that i do in fact have ADHD (got a diagnosis last week at 41 years old), but the more i research knowing that IS me, the more so many things make sense and your videos have been really helpful. You mention wanting to work on self-compassion, and i was recommended a book by an NHS clinical psychologist a while ago that you may or may not find helpful (I've only done the first chapter myself so far because then i spiralled down the 'am i neurodivergent?' rabbit hole and got fixated on getting the answer to that!). I think i need to go back to it now as just today another person said "you're so hard on yourself" so i need to practice some self-compassion clearly! It's "The compassionate mind workbook" by Chris Irons and Elaine Beaumont.
Thank you for your content ❤
Thank you for sharing, and I'll check out that workbook! 🥰
Thank you for this. I paused it a lot to think and it felt really helpful. Has given me some things to sit with. Thank you.
You're most welcome. Thanks for being here 💛
Been watching your content lately as I am 33 years old and haven't been diagnosed with anything, however i feel like i have ADHD. Going to try talk to the doctors about it all because i want to try get to the bottom of things. Thanks for your videos!
Thanks for watching. Hope you get the answers you need - and either way, there's a great community on here to help 💛
Thank you so much for sharing. It feels liberating to me that your voicing so much that I'm also feeling. The shamepit is cracked open, and how do I move forward now? And thanks for sharing your deep feelings with like, a skip in your step. It is amazing, almost entertaining (can I say that?) how bubbly you talk about shame, while crying. I relate to it, and ik helps me come to term with that two-emotions-at-the-same-time-thing in myself.
haha I'm glad you said it's entertaining and with a skip in my step because although I'm feeling some really hard things, I only like to communicate them more publically once I have some more 'peppy' perspective plus yes, the two emotions at the same time thing!
Thank you Rachel .. you’re a blessing 🌻💜🌻
Thank you for being here 💖
Thank you for these videos. Im having a tough day. ❤
This was so relatable
Been watching ur vids for a while rach❤im 35 female awaiting diagnosis currently 2.5 years waiting for assessment,ive known for years i have something but thought its bipolar but they think its adhd doesnt help my sister diagnosed at 12 shes now 22 but me you & her are like triplets in the sence of all this rollercoaster,stay strong girl❤love your comfort teddy too😉❤️
Thanks for being here 💛
yes, often it is hard to treat yourself gently
It is EXACTLY like a bear hunt 🐻
This video was so so powerful. Thank you so much for sharing, especially when like you said... this is the internet and you get the negative with the positive when you put something out there this vulnerable. I think by sharing these raw feelings and attempting to find a place for conclusions (no matter how unexplainable or messy they may be - because... well ... life!), you will help A LOT of people feel less alone in their complexity and bring some hope to the party❤
And as for the norms of our society not giving us time to process - I know countless people who bury everything deep down because of this, and I hope one day we will develop systems that truly gives mental health the space it deserves
Thanks for being here! Sharing bits of this with you at the beach that time helped me put the pieces together. It makes such a difference to share raw emotions with someone who can sit with you and comfort without judgement or 'fixing' 💛
@@rachdoesyoutube 🥹♥️
Thank you for your vids too, very helpful! 😊
You're very welcome! Thanks for being here 💛
I feel ashamed about saying I have ADHD. Not because I am ashamed of having it, but because I instantly feel like I am trying to make excuses for wrong behavior. But I really just want to be understood. And then I feel shame about "forcing teacher/mother/friend to be understanding of my flaws". It has come to the point where I don't even want to say the word "adhd" anymore because I am so afraid everyone will think I am trying to free myself from all responsibility and am just being a quirky 20yr old. It's not quirky and I don't want to excuse it. But I feel shame for even wanting to bring it up and talk about it
Thanks for sharing ❤
Wow. 12m30 in . That triggerd something in the pit of my stomach I didnt know was there.
The shame of being so bloody ‘over’ sensitive to everything is like an unbearable weight on the shoulders dragging me forever under the water. A life of feeling like you’re drowning is horrendous. Having had a diagnosis a week ago I must now start to understand that the emotional regulation issues aren’t me even if they have been me and will probably always be me. Being criticised for crying where i ‘shouldn’t’ or not crying where I ‘should’ growing up, and by the people whose opinion I should respect the most, those training me to be an adult, doesn’t help. Not being told things I should have been told then the shame of finding out yourself…….family who just didn’t understand you………
Wow……I’ve just realised that my yr7 English teacher understood me……I think she was the only one! She let me do a really random talk on my motorbike and allowed me to bring it into school to talk about…….this was in 1983! I was painfully (shamefully) shy and reserved but she could see my interest in my bike could overcome everything else!
I highly recommend checking out the book Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate. He has a rather unique take on ADHD which, if true, sheds a ton of light on this element of "shame" in ADHD and shows that it's more significant than just a symptom. Reading it has changed the way I think about a lot of things.
This is the second video you've made where I just want to send it to my therapist and say "That! Just pretend I said that and let's start there."
I feel the "...but if I wasn't me, it wouldn't be a problem. So, I'm the problem." all the way to my core. Thanks for putting this out there. You are amazing at communicating these things.
Wahh thanks so much for saying that. I'm glad to be of help in any way!
For me, after diagnosis, I was happy because a lot of my shortcomings made sense, and there was a path to improve. But in my brain I felt I might feel normal or get to a point where I didn't have to struggle to do normal things. Only to learn that you can't be normal. The systems and treatments are a wheelchair when you can't walk. I thought I would be may be able to walk. So I'm able to do more now but the struggle feels harder and more confusing. Perhaps because I'm learning my true limits as opposed to the limits I trained myself to believe. And those limits are surprisingly limited... haha
I was diagnosed 3 days ago. I was hopeful when he gave me meds but they're not working at all so I'm feeling low like I've failed this too.😢
Thank you
You're most welcome 💛
My wife came home after a busy day and there were dirty paw prints on the kitchen floor. I’d cleaned up my footprints after being in the garden with the dog, really chuffed with myself doing that, but……the dog didn’t come in until 10 mins after me……and I’d not put 2&2 together that he’d have made a mess. The fact I’d cleaned up after myself, the joy of that success, was utterly smashed out of the park by her moaning about the dog prints and the sinking realisation and SHAME. The shame of failure, inability to remember, process, but most of all fail to please her. Then of course I felt the need to verbally bash back at her moaning because I was so wounded. Now we repeat the cycle where she says she’s forever treading on eggs shells around me. Another weekend of silence and me second guessing what she’s thinking. So I’ll just do nothing, put the earphones on. And the shame builds.
Fuck 😭😮💨 thanks for openly talking about this.
Thanks for being here 💛
« I have this funny part of me that even at the depths of the shame is like: this is good material » ❤️❤️❤️
hehehehe
Every time I fall in shame and can't accept my new identity, the imposter syndrome gets activated. It became an escaping strategy
I resonate with all of this yet at the same time feel the indulgence of privilege providing time to self analyse. It is a luxury to not struggle with more immediate issues like poverty, war, life threatening physical illness. So my shame is confounded with the guilt of privilege.
Before my ADHD diagnosis I parented three young children and worked full time I had no time to think about myself. Also being Northern English with Irish ancestry we just dont self indulge with this sort of airy fairy nonsense. Its a challenge every moment of the day which I guess is bettervthan struggling to survive at all.
Yes, I understand this feeling. The best advice I've been given is to remember that whatever we struggle with, doesn't take away from someone else's struggle. I.e. feeling shame for more 'priviledged' problems, doesn't mean we aren't also compassionate to people who suffer in things like poverty. Pain is pain, no matter the cause. However, I do think a bit of perspective is always helpful, otherwise you can fold in on yourself and forget there are other problems out there in the world.
I'm not official yet, but I really wonder what it must feel like to have not felt shame and guilt everyday for the past 50 years, it's really explained my blushing and embarrassment.
Same
I guess the question is: Do non-ADHD people not wake up and go to bed with shame every day?
Do they not crave anaesthesia to be free of that for a few hours?
Your so brave. Thank you.
You. Aree fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God. Your value is not come ffrrom your accomplishments but from who tou qr in Christ.❤
Mahalo ❤🤙
My adhd is getting better after I went gluten-free