This time of year may be especially hard for you. I made my workshops 50% off so they are more accessible for you this holiday season. You can download them here: katimorton.com/the-shop
@katimorton. I understand and know about how it feels to get lonely or going though loneliness as I'm not in a relationship and don't hardly leave my house and I don't have any friends sept 1 I do like to have my own space but I do get lonely ❤😢
My answer to loneliness is having a little dog. I live on my own and have been through so much, and he keeps me company, licks away my tears and shares my life with me. We do everything together. I still struggle with a lack of human interaction since I live in an isolated place, but my little Obe really helps me. I love him 🥰
I find parallel play and micro connections particularly helpful. Being alone this Thanksgiving I chose to eat dinner at a local restaurant to be around people and spent some time chatting with the bartender and I felt a lot better about everything.
I’ve struggled with loneliness most of my life. I’ve found out that by reaching out to someone I do feel better and often they appreciate it too. Thank you for these tips.
I've been bedbound for 8,5 years (since age 27). That makes incredibly lonely. Many so-called friends are gone. And I don't have a supportive family. I'm gonna spend Christmas alone once again. It's the worst time of the year 😢 I tried to reach out and asked a friend who lives in another city and doesn't have family either if he wants to come over for Christmas but unfortunately he decided to work over the holidays. I understand. I used to do the same. But it's sad and lonely.
Though, I'm not bed bound, I know how living with chronic illness - especially pain and fatigue - makes socialising impossible. I want to text or call old friends, but I am so scared they will call back and my energy for the rest of the day will be eaten up, and every little bit of my physical and mental energy is so valuable to me. My animal friends are my life - I want to spend all my energy on them, not only because they really need it but they deserve it too. They don't care what I look like, they don't care I no longer work, they don't care if I am broke (as long as I feed them!), they don't judge me for my old clothes and furniture. Humans are so cruel too. I'm sending you lots of love from them - the true unconditional kind. I hope you can look out the window and watch a bird, or enjoy animal videos online.
Me too. I can get up more often now to be in another room, but housebound for the most part. I know how you feel. It's so hard, but one saving grace for me is that im good in my own company. Best wishes to you, i hope things improve in one way or another.
have you tried any online support groups ? there are many more online support and some do meet ups online.Also organistions that do support and befriending,people who might phone in to see how you are or for a chat or some may help in other ways too,I'm sure there will be online meet ups that meet around common interests like book groups,film groups or offer mutual support for those dealing with chronic conditions. There is alot more online of you are unable to physically get out,I hope you find something,good luck,
Connection for me is sharing same values and desires, being on the same page, and both of us desiring a lot of time together and to invest in a deep connection. and integrating lives together. Relating to each other, allies in life, having each other's back, protective of each other. Anything else with other people is just staying busy and trying to be useful (and many times feels like appeasing other people which gets exhausting and disheartening)--it doesn't take away the loneliness. Many times, it makes the loneliness worse. Praying for my person and that we will meet soon.
I think we feel lonely is because there are too many superficial connections. Loneliness is born of not feeling seen or heard. I think you missed the mark on this one. I am surrounded by people and do all of this daily but I still feel lonely. When you don’t have a partner to reflect yourself back to you it’s isolating.
“If you want friends, be a friend to someone”. This quote helped me so much. When I met someone, I used to think “this is my chance, I have to impress this person so I can finally have a friend”. And thinking this way is so easy to do when you haven’t had friends in so long. But it made me self-conscious and fake. I realized that to make friends, all I had to do was be genuine, and be a friend to someone else. Help someone out, compliment them, show them that their presence is seen. Everyone just wants to feel seen. And when we feel seen, we feel connected. It will blossom from there. ❤ stay strong my friend
@@Marshmallow_1111 You can be nice to people and be alone anyway. Besides, when you are a caring person, people take advantage of you. Being a good friend doesn't avoid loneliness.
34 with a handful of subs but no actual friends. 2 kids and wife and that's been good. Realizing I've had no real friends since elementary. I made a group locally on fb for collectors and nerdy stuff and now I have to be happy seeing others socialize. I keep making content, having parties, having birthdays and nobody drops by. I'm learning to be less hurt by it as I see other, Smaller eyes watching me now. We will just be happy together.
Thank you, Kati. I'm grateful for your attempts to help. That said... I am a horrific, awful, and unpleasant person whose first reaction is typically hate, but I can't be the only one who feels irritated by being given advice on a thing by someone who obviously is not dealing with that thing, can I? It's even worse when it's in list form, because I'm keenly aware of why each of the items is flawed or just impossible. This list, for example, not one thing on it would actually work for me, except maybe spending time with animals (which is pretty much all i do anymore, all day, sit with my senior dog, waiting for him to die). I know that in most cases with this advice dispensing "studies have shown," but it's difficult to give that any credit when "experience has shown" something entirely different.
Great advice ! The later ones especially are, I think, more adapted to people with social anxiety or low self esteem for whom the first ones may be too hard to implement.
I just wanted to say a BIG thank you for all the videos that you've done on mental health in general. You have really helped and also usefully informed so many people. Please don't stop. Your work, and your very communicative style is invaluable to the community in general.
I agree that all those things can be useful when feeling lonely but there are different types of loneliness and I have been working and seeing colleagues everyday,in a relationship,a flat share and still felt lonely.I have done volunteer work that interests me and yet still felt lonely,in fact felt taken for granted and used somewhat to do jobs that actually had alot of responsibility yet no support. You can be lonely and around people,you can be in a group of friends and feel lonely and many people can feel lonely in their work places too. I think sometimes loneliness is a need for a much deeper connection that just those superficial ones and I don't want to dismiss the importance of talking to strangers or those micro connections like a smile or eye contact or chatting to a the till worker etc but often I find it is usually a deeper connection we are looking for and which many can find hard to get and sometimes it is because of something we are avoiding inside of us or not acknowledging our needs. Yes it is good to go to groups,smile at strangers and make the effort to strike up conversation but this can also still leave you feeling lonely and even accentuate it as I have felt before...it can make me feel even more lonely to go out and be around people and yet feel alienated and alone and even more anxious as the outside world can feel so ailenating and cold alot of the time. Nurturing ourselves and feeling strong enough to make external connections especially in what is often quite a harsh world. I have been the reacher out all too often and it has often left me feeling even lonelier and like my needs are unmet...what then ? There is nothing lonelier than being around people who do not get you or who never even try to or ask about you.We must be aware of when we are giving too much away and who we seek connection from and that would have been the best cure for my loneliness.
Well put, thank you for writing it out. This resonates with my personal experience. Sometimes it affects me especially heavily when a need for deeper connection seems to shadow over my perception of my core integrity. And when I do forget, I may start seeking social connection almost desperately, which, as you said it, usually is too superficial anyway and leaves me even lonelier than before. It's also pretty impossible to create a deeper connection out of a casual contact, so it's like playing a strange dart game in the dark trying to hit the bull's eye.
I love the small acts of kindness and to a stranger. Ive been on both ends of this.... 😊 Its so precious xx i struggle greatly with anxiety but love to do my study around others at our local café. They now know me but lesve me to it after a hello. Its lovely x
Great advice! Some of these points I have been telling practicum students. This is the real life example I tell them about: I have worked with a person who burned out after 1 year. Her first job. She unexpectedly quit. During breaks, she locked herself in her car to eat, sleep, & call her significant other. She did this every single day. The one time she was in the staff room she was on her phone with headphones on for the entire hour. The only time the team got to speak to her is during mandatory meetings & workshops. The only time she stay more than 15 minutes for office parties/events is when she get paid to be there - team building events. Then she complain she don't know anyone & can't communicate with the team. 🤦♀️🤦♂️ The point is having genuine good manners & speaking to others will bring success. The staff room is a place for networking.
I wish the best to anyone here that may be struggling, and hope you make it through whatever it is you might be going through ❤ Myself, I don't know what to do. I can't seem to connect with anybody anymore. I find myself becoming more and more isolated every day. There's nothing I look forward to. Things I once enjoyed feel empty. I'm holding onto hope as tightly as I can, that things will get better if I keep trying. That one day, I can feel like life is worth living again.
Ever since I got diagnosed at 17, it got even worse. I hate to use this condition to even explain my actions because I feel like I'm just justifying all the negative decisions I've made. I don't know what to do. Thinking like this makes me feel like I'm the problem rather than it's my problem. I'm at this point in time that I've accepted that loneliness is something that I deserve. I've lost too many people and it's hard to gain new ones. I feel like I'm fading from everyone's life and before I know it I'm already forgotten. Just a distant past because I'm stuck in the past.
Iv isolated myself probably for the majority of my life. I find just watching a video like this or leaving a comment can help create a sense of connection. Thank you for the video it was helpful.
Being 33 years of age I must say that meeting new people is even harder than it was prior to this age. It seems like everyone already has their established cliques and are not open to meeting new people, which is why I feel weird within myself trying to be friendly to a stranger in an attempt to start conversation.
it's not just a feeling but fact, from 35 (or 33) to 60 most people have their group or just family and have no big wish or time to open for all new friends, except in certain situations
Tip #1 what, if you have no friend or old acquaintance who brings good memories to you? Or if only one: I have only one and writing to her makes me feel much more lonely because I know, the conversation will give me never more than a fraction of what I need, this distance contact, just a phone call, makes me more clearly, how lonely I am. For me the definition of lonelyness is that no one ever asks how I am (not that I can't aks someone), that no one wants to visit / meet me (by their own intention, not because I beg for but because they are interested in me and my life), that no one ever hugs me. That's my definition. What are yours, Kati. Because your suggestions, I don't see how they ease the feeling of real loneliness. Or if you suggest to write with the phone to an old acquaintance "... want to check in how have you been" but I kow then already the answers: a lot of wonderful stories what she recently has done a lot of wonderful things with her many friends. No. Suggestion #1 creates really big pain. #2 tried often, never found (on country side) a group or club with my interests or the people there were not interested in contacts, just couples came etc., online groups make me feel very lonely, they are superficial, no one visits you, no one hugs you, they quickly forget you... #3 I always was and am like that, there never came a friendship out of this. This nice smalltalks often creates more wishes of contact and love, but there is no then. #4 works, until you see others kissing or having really big fun and going then together home, like families #5 is like 3, and in some areas you have not easily contacts with neighbours or so, especially if you are poor. I lived mostly in horrible houses where I didn't want to have contact with the horrible neighbours. #6 going with the dog for a walk makes me feel very lonley, I still have no one to talk, and I am the one who has only a dog (who never answers to my thoughts). And it's a lie that they give you "something back", I experienced it for 15 years, the very first years you have this lie in your head but then you notice: they only want something from you, they want to get cuddled, get their walk, you shall play with them how and when they want, they beg for food and other needs. They only demand and very barely give, they "give" you their happiness only, if you do what they want, as said playing for example. Your own needs, animals can't understand, they just reflect your mood, they don't give. Walks in nature remind me of my childhood, a dark phase in my life. Well, nature in generall can relax, but how should this easy loneliness. This is all so theoretical.
My parents raised me to be kind to others and I'm grateful for that. But nowadays nobody wants kind people ( i mean everybody does but they don't like kind people). Everyone likes toxicity. If you're kind person chances are you might never have a good relationship because everyone likes toxicity. People remember kind people when they are burdend by the toxicity.
Great advice thanks ❤ I feel a little lonely lately because it feels like I'm struggle a lone and no one really listen or understand what you are going through but I find this lady she sometimes tolk to me and seems to understand but I can't shere every thing with her
Depends on the stranger. some people have given in to bitterness and aren't open to meeting new people, or they may struggle to trust strangers because they've been hurt. The point is that your intentions matter. You know why you are being kind. If you keep it up habitually, you will find that there are many people who will appreciate kindness from a stranger.
Kati, can you offer tips for neurodivergent folks? I find they are the ones most likely to be isolated, and these strategies you mentioned might be more suited to neurotypicals, except the animal connection one.
for me, it makes me always very tired, want to go to bed then. And it makes me really hard to have or even follow clear thoughts, like planing something, that's almost impossible then.
Being surrounded by people can sometimes be lonely. It's like you're just there, but, somewhere deep down, you never existed to those people. When you're around family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers and partner, you just feel invisible to them. No matter where you go, you'll always end up alone. There's also a sad, dark truth behind being alone and rejected: most people are just that fake and there are those who would manipulate poor, innocent you. Maybe I'm just being cynical and bitter, I don't know, but these are just some facts.
I don't think you're being cynical or bitter. I feel your pain and understand. I'm also invisible. When I go visit my mother and we are alone, she will talk to me. But if we are having a conversation and someone comes over in the middle of us talking, she will put me on the back burner and ignore me. I'll be sitting right there, but I feel like I disappeared and don't matter. It's like I'm back in my childhood of kids are supposed to be seen not heard. I am 58 years old.
if I am honest, these 7 steps don't help against real loneliness, I tried all this for decades. Still lonely. This 7 ideas create sometimes nice moments after which you feel even more lonely. Seeing others going after the short, superficial contact with you to their family almost kills you.
This makes me think more about the decision of not having kids. Like, it is one the reasons I feel lonely as well, even though I’m sure I don’t want kids, do you ever think about it too Katie? Ps: sorry if the question is too personal 😊
I do think this is an excellent list of ideas which can help us feel like normal humans rather than aliens on the wrong planet; to experience and be an expression of ourselves in different contexts; and recognize our right to take up space in life. This can motivate us to do better with self-care, to believe we are worth the work to take care of, which is necessary to be able to have a healthy relationship with self, life and eventually with another person.
I've been the one to initiate reaching out to friends since the pandemic started & concluded. I stopped because it was always me to initiate. I am getting more meaningful connection with work colleagues & employees from other departments than friends. When the weekend comes, I attend sport meetup groups with friends. When I don't initiate conversation during breaks, we'd just play & leave. I think long-term it is unhealthy to have weekends like this. Someone said "I'm only here to get excercise, not to make friends." 🤦♂️🤦♀️
I feel like language learners who are watching this are not only healthier than most of the commenters here - but they already DO all of these things and have an immediately available avenue to DO these things - no matter how isolated they are irl. "Sufferers" in the comments need to learn how to be a friend, and learning a language is a great way to do that. The only catch is - you gotta commit. Find a culture you genuinely are interested in, and learn their language, be a friend to people who live in that place. I'm an American and I've helped my friends with computers, even new cars and stuff, because I can't even describe the priceless gifts they give me each day. People need to learn to be a good friend if they are lonely.
ps just to kind of demonstrate the depth of connection that can be made - even online - that's why I mentioned the cash. Obviously being a good friend is a multi-channel effort that includes more than cash and most folks - especially those who value and need money the most - don't want it from you or even won't take it from you. All the same westerners are surprised when I've told them how close my online buddies have become and mentioned what little I have managed to do materially for them. It's great when people reciprocate friendship and honesty - what better way than to be a honest and good foreign friend with a language barrier. It cuts through disguises and clears the crowd for you. ;)
I felt lonely the first few years after leaving the military. Then I went to an appointment with VA recreational therapy. I found out about a free summertime rafting and paddling group, free monthly rock climbing, how to participate in the annual VA art show, etc. I highly recommend all veterans check it out.
For number one, I've done that throughout my life, but during adulthood when I do, my friends tell me that Im annoying and that I shouldnt talk about whatever I'm telling them about. They feel uncomfortable. So I just ended up shutting down recently
I have 2 dogs, practice micro communications ALL of the time and have volunteered on & off at my Hindu teacher & friend for 20+ years. I still feel lonely.
Love the videos, is there any way we can submit questions? I have a variety of symptoms and want to determine whether or not to bring up bipolar II with my therapist. Worried that I am either over exaggerating symptoms in my head or if I might actually have something more complex going on.
lonelyness sometime is helpful to seek the reason why we're here ? I'm living alone and I tell you it's not always easy but it's better to be alone and enjoy your life .what I'm doing I like to learn languages such English and Spanish. I love people too but I'm alone because my life led me there and I don't have choice .but I'm grateful to all things I have . it's important to be grateful. because a lot of people suffers over the sea because the war and they haven't food to eat .no young woman I tell you I'm happy above all reading words of God help me to overcome this feeling of lonelyness. I'm French I'm learning English on my own. And American too .yeah it's gonna to be okay !! God bless you
Romantic connection (singular) can actually be the only way to have the type of closeness some of us need. Simply calling this "fulfillment from someone else" doesn't seem accurate. Rather it's fulfillment from applying emotional and life skills to communication, being known and knowing another, co-creating, collaborating, sharing feedback and input, self-expression via affection and adoration, trouble-shooting, brainstorming, bonding, investing, being accountable / responsible to and with another is deep, meaningful, and healthy.
Is it such as thing as doing "too much therapy"? Can too much therapy make someone self-absorbed or even selfish? Some pros and cons of working with a therapist for many years? is it okay to use therapy for human connection vs. working on a specific issue? Thank you for your great videos!!
Worse time of the year for me.i loathe Christmas, hate everything about it, especially this year with everything I went through. All alone, no friends or family. Christmas day um getting fucking drunk until I pass the fuck out so I can drown my pain, sadness and rage.
Loneliness means I am safe. I welcome loneliness into my life. It is humans that cause far more trouble in our lives than being alone. People need to learn to be far more independent, resilient, resourceful, self-reliant, and to not herd together like zebra, wildebeest, and sheep. A separation from this herd mentality is a necessity. Most humans are crippled without another human around. Thus must change. Humans are not herd animals. They need to stop acting like it.
My mother died 2 years ago, since then loneliness is my biggest fear, I’m in a relationship right now with a woman I’m not attracted to just to not be alone
All the things I try, I feel like nothing ever really works. I've tried almost all of the things on this list (at least the things I'm able to do), and nothing seems to really... Work, y'know? Maybe there's something wrong with me.
Eh. I find my intensity with almost anything to be severely lagging with the people (even in reddit, where it is easy to be banned because a mod is feeling froggy). People also tend to ignore small talk and treat me trying to be a helper as a threat first, so...there's that. I think I can only beat the loneliness by hyperdistracting myself with workaholism.
This time of year may be especially hard for you. I made my workshops 50% off so they are more accessible for you this holiday season. You can download them here: katimorton.com/the-shop
@katimorton. I understand and know about how it feels to get lonely or going though loneliness as I'm not in a relationship and don't hardly leave my house and I don't have any friends sept 1 I do like to have my own space but I do get lonely ❤😢
My answer to loneliness is having a little dog. I live on my own and have been through so much, and he keeps me company, licks away my tears and shares my life with me. We do everything together. I still struggle with a lack of human interaction since I live in an isolated place, but my little Obe really helps me. I love him 🥰
I am alone, but not lonely
I find parallel play and micro connections particularly helpful. Being alone this Thanksgiving I chose to eat dinner at a local restaurant to be around people and spent some time chatting with the bartender and I felt a lot better about everything.
I just clicked like on your FB post; feel free to message me if you want to have a chat 😊
I’ve struggled with loneliness most of my life. I’ve found out that by reaching out to someone I do feel better and often they appreciate it too. Thank you for these tips.
I’ve struggled with loneliness for a long time now. Feels like since college I barely get to interact with people
I am so sorry. I hope the video helped :) xoxo
Oh boy, we're in a similar situation. Let's stay strong 💜
@ it did, thank you! I appreciate the practical advice to address the issue head on :)
@ heck yeah 💜
My heart goes out to you ❤
It's definitely stronger this time of year. Especially since my parents are no longer around and it was my dad's favorite holiday.
I hope the video is helpful. xoxo
I've been bedbound for 8,5 years (since age 27). That makes incredibly lonely. Many so-called friends are gone. And I don't have a supportive family. I'm gonna spend Christmas alone once again. It's the worst time of the year 😢
I tried to reach out and asked a friend who lives in another city and doesn't have family either if he wants to come over for Christmas but unfortunately he decided to work over the holidays. I understand. I used to do the same. But it's sad and lonely.
Though, I'm not bed bound, I know how living with chronic illness - especially pain and fatigue - makes socialising impossible. I want to text or call old friends, but I am so scared they will call back and my energy for the rest of the day will be eaten up, and every little bit of my physical and mental energy is so valuable to me. My animal friends are my life - I want to spend all my energy on them, not only because they really need it but they deserve it too. They don't care what I look like, they don't care I no longer work, they don't care if I am broke (as long as I feed them!), they don't judge me for my old clothes and furniture. Humans are so cruel too. I'm sending you lots of love from them - the true unconditional kind. I hope you can look out the window and watch a bird, or enjoy animal videos online.
Me too. I can get up more often now to be in another room, but housebound for the most part. I know how you feel. It's so hard, but one saving grace for me is that im good in my own company. Best wishes to you, i hope things improve in one way or another.
have you tried any online support groups ? there are many more online support and some do meet ups online.Also organistions that do support and befriending,people who might phone in to see how you are or for a chat or some may help in other ways too,I'm sure there will be online meet ups that meet around common interests like book groups,film groups or offer mutual support for those dealing with chronic conditions.
There is alot more online of you are unable to physically get out,I hope you find something,good luck,
Sending you love❤
Sending such compassion and love. We are all connected.
I really needed this after my 5 year relationship ended last week. Thank you.
Connection for me is sharing same values and desires, being on the same page, and both of us desiring a lot of time together and to invest in a deep connection. and integrating lives together. Relating to each other, allies in life, having each other's back, protective of each other. Anything else with other people is just staying busy and trying to be useful (and many times feels like appeasing other people which gets exhausting and disheartening)--it doesn't take away the loneliness. Many times, it makes the loneliness worse. Praying for my person and that we will meet soon.
I hear you
💯💯💯💯💯
Exactly this
I think we feel lonely is because there are too many superficial connections. Loneliness is born of not feeling seen or heard. I think you missed the mark on this one. I am surrounded by people and do all of this daily but I still feel lonely. When you don’t have a partner to reflect yourself back to you it’s isolating.
very true , idk man ur amazing for being honest with yourself about it
36 years old and not a family member or friend in the world. 🎉
“If you want friends, be a friend to someone”. This quote helped me so much. When I met someone, I used to think “this is my chance, I have to impress this person so I can finally have a friend”. And thinking this way is so easy to do when you haven’t had friends in so long. But it made me self-conscious and fake. I realized that to make friends, all I had to do was be genuine, and be a friend to someone else. Help someone out, compliment them, show them that their presence is seen. Everyone just wants to feel seen. And when we feel seen, we feel connected. It will blossom from there. ❤ stay strong my friend
@@Marshmallow_1111 You can be nice to people and be alone anyway. Besides, when you are a caring person, people take advantage of you. Being a good friend doesn't avoid loneliness.
you and 10 others who liked toxic af
34 with a handful of subs but no actual friends. 2 kids and wife and that's been good. Realizing I've had no real friends since elementary. I made a group locally on fb for collectors and nerdy stuff and now I have to be happy seeing others socialize. I keep making content, having parties, having birthdays and nobody drops by. I'm learning to be less hurt by it as I see other, Smaller eyes watching me now. We will just be happy together.
Thank you, Kati. I'm grateful for your attempts to help. That said... I am a horrific, awful, and unpleasant person whose first reaction is typically hate, but I can't be the only one who feels irritated by being given advice on a thing by someone who obviously is not dealing with that thing, can I? It's even worse when it's in list form, because I'm keenly aware of why each of the items is flawed or just impossible. This list, for example, not one thing on it would actually work for me, except maybe spending time with animals (which is pretty much all i do anymore, all day, sit with my senior dog, waiting for him to die). I know that in most cases with this advice dispensing "studies have shown," but it's difficult to give that any credit when "experience has shown" something entirely different.
Between Thanksgiving and Christmas I give hand made ornaments to people I encounter, bank tellers, cashiers, cart pushers, etc. Love the feeling.
Great advice ! The later ones especially are, I think, more adapted to people with social anxiety or low self esteem for whom the first ones may be too hard to implement.
I just wanted to say a BIG thank you for all the videos that you've done on mental health in general. You have really helped and also usefully informed so many people. Please don't stop. Your work, and your very communicative style is invaluable to the community in general.
I agree that all those things can be useful when feeling lonely but there are different types of loneliness and I have been working and seeing colleagues everyday,in a relationship,a flat share and still felt lonely.I have done volunteer work that interests me and yet still felt lonely,in fact felt taken for granted and used somewhat to do jobs that actually had alot of responsibility yet no support.
You can be lonely and around people,you can be in a group of friends and feel lonely and many people can feel lonely in their work places too.
I think sometimes loneliness is a need for a much deeper connection that just those superficial ones and I don't want to dismiss the importance of talking to strangers or those micro connections like a smile or eye contact or chatting to a the till worker etc but often I find it is usually a deeper connection we are looking for and which many can find hard to get and sometimes it is because of something we are avoiding inside of us or not acknowledging our needs.
Yes it is good to go to groups,smile at strangers and make the effort to strike up conversation but this can also still leave you feeling lonely and even accentuate it as I have felt before...it can make me feel even more lonely to go out and be around people and yet feel alienated and alone and even more anxious as the outside world can feel so ailenating and cold alot of the time.
Nurturing ourselves and feeling strong enough to make external connections especially in what is often quite a harsh world.
I have been the reacher out all too often and it has often left me feeling even lonelier and like my needs are unmet...what then ?
There is nothing lonelier than being around people who do not get you or who never even try to or ask about you.We must be aware of when we are giving too much away and who we seek connection from and that would have been the best cure for my loneliness.
Well put, thank you for writing it out. This resonates with my personal experience. Sometimes it affects me especially heavily when a need for deeper connection seems to shadow over my perception of my core integrity. And when I do forget, I may start seeking social connection almost desperately, which, as you said it, usually is too superficial anyway and leaves me even lonelier than before. It's also pretty impossible to create a deeper connection out of a casual contact, so it's like playing a strange dart game in the dark trying to hit the bull's eye.
I love the small acts of kindness and to a stranger. Ive been on both ends of this.... 😊 Its so precious xx i struggle greatly with anxiety but love to do my study around others at our local café. They now know me but lesve me to it after a hello. Its lovely x
Great advice! Some of these points I have been telling practicum students. This is the real life example I tell them about: I have worked with a person who burned out after 1 year. Her first job. She unexpectedly quit. During breaks, she locked herself in her car to eat, sleep, & call her significant other. She did this every single day. The one time she was in the staff room she was on her phone with headphones on for the entire hour. The only time the team got to speak to her is during mandatory meetings & workshops. The only time she stay more than 15 minutes for office parties/events is when she get paid to be there - team building events. Then she complain she don't know anyone & can't communicate with the team. 🤦♀️🤦♂️ The point is having genuine good manners & speaking to others will bring success. The staff room is a place for networking.
Thank you very much Kati I really appreciate this because I can struggle with this.
I struggle with loneliness,and have done for a long time.These tips help,but it can be difficult.....
Loneliness is a blessing, because I know that nobody is stealing money from me and nobody is trying to murder me.😮😮😮
People are evil...😮😮😮
Thing is, other evil people who think they're the good ones are thinking the same about you. So who is the evil one and who decides?
Been struggling with loneliness for a while now no matter what I do I can’t see my to make new friends 🤦🏾♀️ I needed this video thank you
I wish the best to anyone here that may be struggling, and hope you make it through whatever it is you might be going through ❤
Myself, I don't know what to do. I can't seem to connect with anybody anymore. I find myself becoming more and more isolated every day. There's nothing I look forward to. Things I once enjoyed feel empty. I'm holding onto hope as tightly as I can, that things will get better if I keep trying. That one day, I can feel like life is worth living again.
Thank you. I just moved out of my moms house and i really needed this
My Best to you! I 'see' you!
Ever since I got diagnosed at 17, it got even worse. I hate to use this condition to even explain my actions because I feel like I'm just justifying all the negative decisions I've made. I don't know what to do. Thinking like this makes me feel like I'm the problem rather than it's my problem.
I'm at this point in time that I've accepted that loneliness is something that I deserve. I've lost too many people and it's hard to gain new ones. I feel like I'm fading from everyone's life and before I know it I'm already forgotten. Just a distant past because I'm stuck in the past.
Wow what a wonderful video. Just bought both your books, can't wait to dive in
Iv isolated myself probably for the majority of my life. I find just watching a video like this or leaving a comment can help create a sense of connection. Thank you for the video it was helpful.
Wow! This really helped! Thanks so so so much!
Thanks Katie
Thank you for your insights
Being 33 years of age I must say that meeting new people is even harder than it was prior to this age. It seems like everyone already has their established cliques and are not open to meeting new people, which is why I feel weird within myself trying to be friendly to a stranger in an attempt to start conversation.
it's not just a feeling but fact, from 35 (or 33) to 60 most people have their group or just family and have no big wish or time to open for all new friends, except in certain situations
I agree and can relate I'm 34
32 here and totally agree!
28 agreed!
Tip #1 what, if you have no friend or old acquaintance who brings good memories to you? Or if only one: I have only one and writing to her makes me feel much more lonely because I know, the conversation will give me never more than a fraction of what I need, this distance contact, just a phone call, makes me more clearly, how lonely I am. For me the definition of lonelyness is
that no one ever asks how I am (not that I can't aks someone),
that no one wants to visit / meet me (by their own intention, not because I beg for but because they are interested in me and my life),
that no one ever hugs me. That's my definition. What are yours, Kati. Because your suggestions, I don't see how they ease the feeling of real loneliness.
Or if you suggest to write with the phone to an old acquaintance "... want to check in how have you been" but I kow then already the answers: a lot of wonderful stories what she recently has done a lot of wonderful things with her many friends. No. Suggestion #1 creates really big pain.
#2 tried often, never found (on country side) a group or club with my interests or the people there were not interested in contacts, just couples came etc., online groups make me feel very lonely, they are superficial, no one visits you, no one hugs you, they quickly forget you...
#3 I always was and am like that, there never came a friendship out of this. This nice smalltalks often creates more wishes of contact and love, but there is no then.
#4 works, until you see others kissing or having really big fun and going then together home, like families
#5 is like 3, and in some areas you have not easily contacts with neighbours or so, especially if you are poor. I lived mostly in horrible houses where I didn't want to have contact with the horrible neighbours.
#6 going with the dog for a walk makes me feel very lonley, I still have no one to talk, and I am the one who has only a dog (who never answers to my thoughts). And it's a lie that they give you "something back", I experienced it for 15 years, the very first years you have this lie in your head but then you notice: they only want something from you, they want to get cuddled, get their walk, you shall play with them how and when they want, they beg for food and other needs. They only demand and very barely give, they "give" you their happiness only, if you do what they want, as said playing for example. Your own needs, animals can't understand, they just reflect your mood, they don't give.
Walks in nature remind me of my childhood, a dark phase in my life. Well, nature in generall can relax, but how should this easy loneliness. This is all so theoretical.
Thank you for this
My parents raised me to be kind to others and I'm grateful for that. But nowadays nobody wants kind people ( i mean everybody does but they don't like kind people). Everyone likes toxicity. If you're kind person chances are you might never have a good relationship because everyone likes toxicity. People remember kind people when they are burdend by the toxicity.
Great advice thanks ❤
I feel a little lonely lately because it feels like I'm struggle a lone and no one really listen or understand what you are going through but I find this lady she sometimes tolk to me and seems to understand but I can't shere every thing with her
Being kind to a stranger doesn’t work they’ll turn on you
Depends on the stranger. some people have given in to bitterness and aren't open to meeting new people, or they may struggle to trust strangers because they've been hurt. The point is that your intentions matter. You know why you are being kind. If you keep it up habitually, you will find that there are many people who will appreciate kindness from a stranger.
a stranger 's small gesture really touched my heart when i needed to be 'seen' the most! there is some humanity in our world where you least expected!
Kati, can you offer tips for neurodivergent folks? I find they are the ones most likely to be isolated, and these strategies you mentioned might be more suited to neurotypicals, except the animal connection one.
Loneliness feels physically painful to me 😢
for me, it makes me always very tired, want to go to bed then. And it makes me really hard to have or even follow clear thoughts, like planing something, that's almost impossible then.
Being surrounded by people can sometimes be lonely. It's like you're just there, but, somewhere deep down, you never existed to those people. When you're around family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers and partner, you just feel invisible to them. No matter where you go, you'll always end up alone. There's also a sad, dark truth behind being alone and rejected: most people are just that fake and there are those who would manipulate poor, innocent you. Maybe I'm just being cynical and bitter, I don't know, but these are just some facts.
I don't think you're being cynical or bitter. I feel your pain and understand. I'm also invisible. When I go visit my mother and we are alone, she will talk to me. But if we are having a conversation and someone comes over in the middle of us talking, she will put me on the back burner and ignore me. I'll be sitting right there, but I feel like I disappeared and don't matter. It's like I'm back in my childhood of kids are supposed to be seen not heard. I am 58 years old.
Getting rid of social anxiety unleashed a crushing wave of over a decade of loneliness. It is easily the worst feeling I have ever felt.
Love your hair Katie!
Thanks for all your amazing content. So helpful. Do you do virtual counseling?
if I am honest, these 7 steps don't help against real loneliness, I tried all this for decades. Still lonely. This 7 ideas create sometimes nice moments after which you feel even more lonely. Seeing others going after the short, superficial contact with you to their family almost kills you.
This video came right when i needed it
I'm in Oz too if you want a new friend?
@ where in oz
This makes me think more about the decision of not having kids. Like, it is one the reasons I feel lonely as well, even though I’m sure I don’t want kids, do you ever think about it too Katie?
Ps: sorry if the question is too personal 😊
I do think this is an excellent list of ideas which can help us feel like normal humans rather than aliens on the wrong planet; to experience and be an expression of ourselves in different contexts; and recognize our right to take up space in life. This can motivate us to do better with self-care, to believe we are worth the work to take care of, which is necessary to be able to have a healthy relationship with self, life and eventually with another person.
I've been the one to initiate reaching out to friends since the pandemic started & concluded. I stopped because it was always me to initiate. I am getting more meaningful connection with work colleagues & employees from other departments than friends. When the weekend comes, I attend sport meetup groups with friends. When I don't initiate conversation during breaks, we'd just play & leave. I think long-term it is unhealthy to have weekends like this. Someone said "I'm only here to get excercise, not to make friends." 🤦♂️🤦♀️
I feel like language learners who are watching this are not only healthier than most of the commenters here - but they already DO all of these things and have an immediately available avenue to DO these things - no matter how isolated they are irl. "Sufferers" in the comments need to learn how to be a friend, and learning a language is a great way to do that. The only catch is - you gotta commit. Find a culture you genuinely are interested in, and learn their language, be a friend to people who live in that place. I'm an American and I've helped my friends with computers, even new cars and stuff, because I can't even describe the priceless gifts they give me each day. People need to learn to be a good friend if they are lonely.
ps just to kind of demonstrate the depth of connection that can be made - even online - that's why I mentioned the cash. Obviously being a good friend is a multi-channel effort that includes more than cash and most folks - especially those who value and need money the most - don't want it from you or even won't take it from you. All the same westerners are surprised when I've told them how close my online buddies have become and mentioned what little I have managed to do materially for them. It's great when people reciprocate friendship and honesty - what better way than to be a honest and good foreign friend with a language barrier. It cuts through disguises and clears the crowd for you. ;)
I felt lonely the first few years after leaving the military. Then I went to an appointment with VA recreational therapy. I found out about a free summertime rafting and paddling group, free monthly rock climbing, how to participate in the annual VA art show, etc. I highly recommend all veterans check it out.
For number one, I've done that throughout my life, but during adulthood when I do, my friends tell me that Im annoying and that I shouldnt talk about whatever I'm telling them about. They feel uncomfortable. So I just ended up shutting down recently
I needed this. I can't believe I was notified by this. It's a *sign.*
#3 strangely that strangers helps connecting , while the people in the same household created the loneliness
I have 2 dogs, practice micro communications ALL of the time and have volunteered on & off at my Hindu teacher & friend for 20+ years. I still feel lonely.
So,Shawn loves mushrooms. Ok,yeah,i got it, got it... 😉😅
Some people are born incapable of experiencing loneliness, as you know. Can’t say if that’s bad or good, because I’m one of them.
Must be really nice to never feel alien.
Must be really nice to never feel alien.
I don't think anyone's problem is that hadn't thought of these 7 things, but that they can't find a way to do these things.
Some psychology RUclipsrs offer online communities but they charge money to join.
People gotta eat.
Love the videos, is there any way we can submit questions? I have a variety of symptoms and want to determine whether or not to bring up bipolar II with my therapist. Worried that I am either over exaggerating symptoms in my head or if I might actually have something more complex going on.
lonelyness sometime is helpful to seek the reason why we're here ?
I'm living alone and I tell you it's not always easy but it's better to be alone and enjoy your life .what I'm doing I like to learn languages such English and Spanish. I love people too but I'm alone because my life led me there and I don't have choice .but I'm grateful to all things I have . it's important to be grateful. because a lot of people suffers over the sea because the war and they haven't food to eat .no young woman I tell you I'm happy above all reading words of God help me to overcome this feeling of lonelyness. I'm French I'm learning English on my own. And American too .yeah it's gonna to be okay !! God bless you
What about lonelyness due to a lack of romantic connections?
Then you need to learn to love being on your own.
Learn to stop seeking most of your fulfilment from someone else.
Romantic connection (singular) can actually be the only way to have the type of closeness some of us need. Simply calling this "fulfillment from someone else" doesn't seem accurate. Rather it's fulfillment from applying emotional and life skills to communication, being known and knowing another, co-creating, collaborating, sharing feedback and input, self-expression via affection and adoration, trouble-shooting, brainstorming, bonding, investing, being accountable / responsible to and with another is deep, meaningful, and healthy.
@@coach_amyexactly, that's why inbb is not right
and I don't know why nobody like Katie include the lack of romantic friendship/love when talking about loneliness
Is it such as thing as doing "too much therapy"? Can too much therapy make someone self-absorbed or even selfish? Some pros and cons of working with a therapist for many years? is it okay to use therapy for human connection vs. working on a specific issue? Thank you for your great videos!!
Im confused. #3 & 5 sound like the same things. What are the difference between them?
Worse time of the year for me.i loathe Christmas, hate everything about it, especially this year with everything I went through. All alone, no friends or family. Christmas day um getting fucking drunk until I pass the fuck out so I can drown my pain, sadness and rage.
Loneliness means I am safe. I welcome loneliness into my life. It is humans that cause far more trouble in our lives than being alone. People need to learn to be far more independent, resilient, resourceful, self-reliant, and to not herd together like zebra, wildebeest, and sheep. A separation from this herd mentality is a necessity. Most humans are crippled without another human around. Thus must change. Humans are not herd animals. They need to stop acting like it.
My mother died 2 years ago, since then loneliness is my biggest fear, I’m in a relationship right now with a woman I’m not attracted to just to not be alone
All the things I try, I feel like nothing ever really works. I've tried almost all of the things on this list (at least the things I'm able to do), and nothing seems to really... Work, y'know? Maybe there's something wrong with me.
Eh. I find my intensity with almost anything to be severely lagging with the people (even in reddit, where it is easy to be banned because a mod is feeling froggy). People also tend to ignore small talk and treat me trying to be a helper as a threat first, so...there's that.
I think I can only beat the loneliness by hyperdistracting myself with workaholism.
People scare me and can't be trusted. So I'd rather be alone than be around a bunch of snakes.
When I'm feeling hungry, I go to Jersey Mike's 😉😊😉
Next time you are speaking in MI, bring your man; mushroom hunting is huge up here, and we would love to have you both! :)
😊
I am not lonely, I am just alone lol
Living in usa is lonely
Make an appointment with a sexworker!!!
i think k you just accidentally snitched out sean 😂🍄🟫
Perhaps, but mycology is a thing that some people are just into. (But shrooms is what I thought of first, too.😁)
What about lonelyness due to a lack of romantic connections?