I realize ive been naive in how ive thought about many relationships, including family. I took them at face value and now begin to realize that many were in fact transactional or outright false. Its hard to face this but its also freeing
Many of the women I know are going through that right now as they are retiring after 20 and 30 years. The ‘friendships’ don’t transition. Thanks for commenting
hell i've had transactional relatives. after my parents died i realized i really didn't like or want to be around some of my brothers and their wives/kids. real, true, non transaction friendships are extremely rare in my opinion and nearly impossible to achieve after reaching adulthood. its healthier to just roll with it and realize it for what it is early on.
I think my family is like that. Transactional friendships only. Just because we are blood related doesn't mean we actually have to like one another or be friends or close friends with siblings etc. I think I feel that way about most of my siblings and I think they all feel that way about me as well. It's kind of like you all are friends because you grew up together you live together and after everything is said and done and you all go your separate ways making your own lives then you're like you know what you are my sister or my brother and I do love you because you are my sister or brother but I really don't like you😂
@@babygrizwold ya my mother used to say "familiarity breeds contempt." i grew up with a big family in a small house and we all split when we were 18/19. i envy families that are close. seems italians are like that a lot.
@rodeleon2875 yep my family Def wasn't close. Parents owned a grocery store and we all worked in it. I'm the baby of the family. Everyone left myself included late teens and well we weren't raised close at all. It's sucks at holidays because 2 of us might get together but everyone else doesnt want to join in.
I also have been very naive in workplace relationships & when they ended, thought it was my fault. Thanks for all the advice & truly changed my perspective. Wonderful content!
Absolutely! We’ve had a huge falling out here in my town, Gateway a mega Church has been in the national news because their head Pastor was forced resigned due to his sexual assault of a 12 year old. What has also been exposed is the pecking order at the church. You are ranked according to how much you give and all the ‘extra’ benefits that come with that. Talk about pay to play. A true transactional relationship
That is so true. I had been part of the church for over 25 years and had many connections with people. I guess I could called them friends. But once I stopped meeting with them, they were not there. They never contact me to see how I am doing. There was one person specifically who I thought we were close due to our kids being the same age. She would often talked to me about some conflicts she may have. But later when she and her husband moved, she never let me know. Not a single goodbye. I was very disappointed.
Good point. But transactional friendships exists out of the work environment too. There are people that just ¨need¨ something from you, whether that's your attention, time, they want you to be their therapists or something else. They thing is they won´t give...
Great video. Unfortunately, a lot of relationships in the United States are transactional...we're kinda known for this (and not in a good way) in other countries.
@@laurahillauthor I think it's so unfortunate that people in the U.S. are gaslit into believing that there's something wrong with them because they cannot make true and lasting friendships when our culture facilitates and promotes transactionalism.
Can’t stand the marketing style in the United States where you think someone is trying to befriend you, but they’re really trying to market you something….
Work relationships are not friendships because you have to keep it professional; you can't really let your hair down. The Friends cast doesn't contact each other every day or hang out every day since the show ended. It's just normal. To me transactional relationships mean "friends" who always expect things from you; they are keeping count- and expect payment for anything they give-I hung out with you so now you have to help me move since we are "friends".
My best friend since the first day of high school in 1970. We had our babies at the same time, deaths, funerals, divorces, etc. talked on the phone for hours at a time. 5 years ago, age 62 she starts working 24/7. Had no time to talk, always hurried me off the phone, no more outings. It really stings. Her personality changed. In high school we used to joke that we would be in the nursing home together. It’s left a big void in my life.
Oof I'm a little bit younger but I've experienced this. Someone you consider quite a good friend who is not exactly happy for your successes ... that's quite heartbreaking but maybe better to see the writing on the wall sooner rather than later
I have my friendly acquaintances, my friendly situational friendships (coworkers, clients, hairdresser) casual friends (people I hang out with occasionally and laugh with) good friends (people I’ve known for years) had a best friend/significant other (someone who would take me to a hospital). When a categorize people into these groups I don’t expect too much from them or know what I can expect from them.
You are correct, most of them were transactional for me however, I was fortunate enough to make a few relationships that I still maintain long after we no longer work together.
I really enjoy your videos about friendships. This video rang particularly true as I realized basically all my relationships are always transactional outside of a couple childhood friends. Work colleagues, "friends" from sports etc. Oddly enough I kind of like it this way as it's convenient for us both until it's not but it opened my eyes actually realizing it. Thank you
I disagree that these work relationships are completely transactional. To the contrary, many of them are genuine friendships in the environment where they exist and are certainly beyond transactional. It’s not realistic to expect them to transition to non-work friendships when the environment of convenience that holds them together no longer exists. Friendships demand a lot of time and investment, often taking time away from self care and the already limited time you have for yourself. I genuinely like my work friends, but I won’t give up my personal time to maintain their friendships at a high level when one of us leaves.
I realize ive been naive in how ive thought about many relationships, including family. I took them at face value and now begin to realize that many were in fact transactional or outright false. Its hard to face this but its also freeing
I agree. It hurts but has kept me from reading too much into relationships going forward
I never thought work colleagues to be "friends". It can muddy the water in your professional life.
Agree! But so many people find friends in the workplace. Rarely ends well
Coworkers are transactional friends if that. Once you leave the job you never hear from any of them again.
Many of the women I know are going through that right now as they are retiring after 20 and 30 years. The ‘friendships’ don’t transition. Thanks for commenting
@laurahillauthor it's upsetting in a way, but then I think to myself, did I really have time for them in the end?
Good point
hell i've had transactional relatives. after my parents died i realized i really didn't like or want to be around some of my brothers and their wives/kids. real, true, non transaction friendships are extremely rare in my opinion and nearly impossible to achieve after reaching adulthood. its healthier to just roll with it and realize it for what it is early on.
I think my family is like that. Transactional friendships only. Just because we are blood related doesn't mean we actually have to like one another or be friends or close friends with siblings etc. I think I feel that way about most of my siblings and I think they all feel that way about me as well. It's kind of like you all are friends because you grew up together you live together and after everything is said and done and you all go your separate ways making your own lives then you're like you know what you are my sister or my brother and I do love you because you are my sister or brother but I really don't like you😂
@@babygrizwold ya my mother used to say "familiarity breeds contempt." i grew up with a big family in a small house and we all split when we were 18/19. i envy families that are close. seems italians are like that a lot.
@rodeleon2875 yep my family Def wasn't close. Parents owned a grocery store and we all worked in it. I'm the baby of the family. Everyone left myself included late teens and well we weren't raised close at all. It's sucks at holidays because 2 of us might get together but everyone else doesnt want to join in.
I also have been very naive in workplace relationships & when they ended, thought it was my fault. Thanks for all the advice & truly changed my perspective. Wonderful content!
You are so welcome
This happens with church relationships too.
Absolutely! We’ve had a huge falling out here in my town, Gateway a mega Church has been in the national news because their head Pastor was forced resigned due to his sexual assault of a 12 year old. What has also been exposed is the pecking order at the church. You are ranked according to how much you give and all the ‘extra’ benefits that come with that. Talk about pay to play. A true transactional relationship
That is so true. I had been part of the church for over 25 years and had many connections with people. I guess I could called them friends. But once I stopped meeting with them, they were not there. They never contact me to see how I am doing. There was one person specifically who I thought we were close due to our kids being the same age. She would often talked to me about some conflicts she may have. But later when she and her husband moved, she never let me know. Not a single goodbye. I was very disappointed.
Good point. But transactional friendships exists out of the work environment too. There are people that just ¨need¨ something from you, whether that's your attention, time, they want you to be their therapists or something else. They thing is they won´t give...
Absolutely. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Great video. Unfortunately, a lot of relationships in the United States are transactional...we're kinda known for this (and not in a good way) in other countries.
Agree. My sister lives in France, married a Frenchman 30 years ago, we talk about it often
@@laurahillauthor I think it's so unfortunate that people in the U.S. are gaslit into believing that there's something wrong with them because they cannot make true and lasting friendships when our culture facilitates and promotes transactionalism.
Can’t stand the marketing style in the United States where you think someone is trying to befriend you, but they’re really trying to market you something….
@@MsActor2009 Completely agree.
It’s sleazy, confusing, hurtful and embarrassing!
Work relationships are not friendships because you have to keep it professional; you can't really let your hair down. The Friends cast doesn't contact each other every day or hang out every day since the show ended. It's just normal. To me transactional relationships mean "friends" who always expect things from you; they are keeping count- and expect payment for anything they give-I hung out with you so now you have to help me move since we are "friends".
Appreciate your thoughts! Totally agree work is not the place to make friends unfortunately we spend so much time there it become too easy Thanks!
My best friend since the first day of high school in 1970. We had our babies at the same time, deaths, funerals, divorces, etc. talked on the phone for hours at a time. 5 years ago, age 62 she starts working 24/7. Had no time to talk, always hurried me off the phone, no more outings. It really stings. Her personality changed. In high school we used to joke that we would be in the nursing home together. It’s left a big void in my life.
Oh I’m so sorry. Major life shifts often causes some people to completely change. It’s a shame when the friendship can’t weather the changes
So good Laura. Never really thought about it this way. However, looking back over times this has been a definite pattern.
Thanks! I guess with friends starting to retire and some changing jobs, it’s on a lot of women’s minds. Appreciate you!
Oof I'm a little bit younger but I've experienced this. Someone you consider quite a good friend who is not exactly happy for your successes ... that's quite heartbreaking but maybe better to see the writing on the wall sooner rather than later
Ohh I know that feeling too. ❤
I have my friendly acquaintances, my friendly situational friendships (coworkers, clients, hairdresser) casual friends (people I hang out with occasionally and laugh with) good friends (people I’ve known for years) had a best friend/significant other (someone who would take me to a hospital). When a categorize people into these groups I don’t expect too much from them or know what I can expect from them.
Agree!
Figuring this painful stuff out is probably the only positive thing about the aging process…..
You are correct, most of them were transactional for me however, I was fortunate enough to make a few relationships that I still maintain long after we no longer work together.
Friendships are context based at least in the USA.
She could have called them. Don't forget that part.
So true!
I really enjoy your videos about friendships. This video rang particularly true as I realized basically all my relationships are always transactional outside of a couple childhood friends. Work colleagues, "friends" from sports etc.
Oddly enough I kind of like it this way as it's convenient for us both until it's not but it opened my eyes actually realizing it. Thank you
I agree. I now see relationships for what they are and can choose whether I’m okay with it or not.
This is all too familiar.
I disagree that these work relationships are completely transactional. To the contrary, many of them are genuine friendships in the environment where they exist and are certainly beyond transactional. It’s not realistic to expect them to transition to non-work friendships when the environment of convenience that holds them together no longer exists. Friendships demand a lot of time and investment, often taking time away from self care and the already limited time you have for yourself. I genuinely like my work friends, but I won’t give up my personal time to maintain their friendships at a high level when one of us leaves.
Thanks for commenting. Appreciate your points