Why some people worry their partners cheat | Katrin Berndt | TEDxMariehamn

Поделиться
HTML-код
  • Опубликовано: 24 дек 2024

Комментарии • 86

  • @deedieducati2272
    @deedieducati2272 Год назад +72

    Here's my take after 60 years of experience. People who have been seriously hurt in the past are more likely to worry that this will happen again. Your job in life is to learn from your experiences. Worrying about it happening again can actually cause it to happen (so stop worrying). You should use your "concern" or "experience" to make logical decisions to protect yourself financially & physically in case it happens again, but dwelling on it will make you miserable. Be sure to share with your partner what your past experience was and your concerns. If they love you they will be supportive and do their best to put your mind at ease. If they don't, then they are selfish & not worth your time. Never hold on to a relationship in the hopes of changing someone or because of fear of being alone. Thank me later. -divorced, alone & happier than I've ever been.

  • @jh3142
    @jh3142 Год назад +27

    If anyone doesn't get it - enjoy the moment for what it is. Don't ruin your life by worrying about things that may not happen.

  • @SKiLLsSoLoN
    @SKiLLsSoLoN Год назад +26

    Expectations and assumptions get us into so many problems with ourseleves and others.

  • @everitadave
    @everitadave Год назад +6

    desire to be loved creates fear of being cheated on. instead - desire to love heals the desire to be loved.

  • @uvp5000
    @uvp5000 Год назад +25

    This talk tied together a number of thoughts I've had for a while and pointed me in a direction I had not thought about due to the sometimes divergent nature of those thoughts.

  • @cdjtft
    @cdjtft Год назад +8

    The age of social media has created this, and it has happened to me. Now, I am rebuilding my life

  • @efib5514
    @efib5514 Год назад +9

    this doesnt mean that all women/men are exaggerating when their instinct and logic tells them something is wrong with the behaviour of their partner...

  • @hannahberlinpetry450
    @hannahberlinpetry450 Год назад +7

    As someone who has been with a covert narcissist who lied about most of their identity and abandoned me for another woman while I was recovering from surgery, I will say this.
    The fear of being betrayed again is real for me. I’m more vigilant about who I give my heart to and how much they get, but there’s a chance I could still be betrayed and deceived by a person I trust. I know that if I am hurt like that again, that’s a them problem, not my problem. I am not going to hold that responsibility.

  • @coastalcassi
    @coastalcassi 11 месяцев назад +5

    Very well done Katrin! I’ve been watching your videos for at least 10 years. It’s so nice to see you again ♥️🫶🏼

  • @JBthree24
    @JBthree24 Год назад +13

    No matter how good you have it matter how much money you make no matter what your status is, no matter how good you are to your partner and to their family, no matter how good of a parent you are no matter how much you both have together for about how long you’ve been together….
    NOBODY is exempted from cheating or being cheated on.

    • @GuidetteExpert
      @GuidetteExpert Год назад +3

      Not really true. :''D This is just a cope for people that got cheated on.

    • @kdaviper
      @kdaviper Год назад +5

      ​@@GuidetteExpertand this sounds like cope for a cheater

    • @GuidetteExpert
      @GuidetteExpert Год назад

      @@kdaviper Yea or that. In other cultures they think its normal to beat their wife. :'D I personally prefer to get beaten than get cheated on because it ruined me and stole many years of my life after that incident.

  • @MS113MS
    @MS113MS Год назад +9

    At 0:38, the word unsupervised was used... That gets me thinking that was more of a relationship that is supervisor and subordinate in style.... 😊

    • @HelgaGruen
      @HelgaGruen Год назад +3

      Pretty sure that was humorous- that part made me laugh 😊

  • @christopher-miles
    @christopher-miles Год назад +4

    it's just a form of anxiety.

    • @kobikaicalev175
      @kobikaicalev175 8 месяцев назад

      Yes! I think this concept of Preparation Pain, helps me now cope with other forms of Anxiety indeed!

  • @stvmckinney
    @stvmckinney Год назад +3

    Thank you soooo much. This speaks to me is such a massive way. For myself. I wan to live in NO PREPARATION PAIN. But always dealing properly with surprise pain.
    Pain is pain and both hurt but seriously wan to live for God and avoid prepared pain like it will never happen.
    I was very well prepared for pain and it came every time. And hurt the same. God bless you and your message!
    15:07

  • @kh8690
    @kh8690 Год назад +7

    Cause it's happened to me many times. Despite therapy, not drinking or partying, working a7nd raising my kids, I'm simply lacking.

    • @chelseabunker2391
      @chelseabunker2391 Год назад +3

      You ARE not lacking… but i liked this comment because it resonates. Many people at least in my age group (38) in the US do actually cheat. I have been cheated on often despite being a cute blonde. And many cheating men have tried to approach me out with girl friends, on social media, grocery shopping… it is bizarre to me and also hurtful for all involved. So now, i expect people to be cheaters & liars unfortunately

  • @mentesymanoscreativas
    @mentesymanoscreativas Год назад +4

    Amazing. 🎉thank you.
    I am going through that pain right now, and I never see it coming, I never prepare for it, and never thought about preparation pain, I trusted him and he betrayed me, but I am here not ashamed of what he did to me. Because that mistake was the decision he made.
    Great topic.

  • @sjgrall
    @sjgrall Год назад +13

    I had at least one ex that was convinced. It wasn’t true. It was a projection of his own insecurities, by his own admission over 10 years later. I fall too hard when committed to ever be able to cheat, but yet, so many have feared I’m “too good to be true” and must be hiding something. I’ve been single for over a decade; I’ve tried dating but no one seems interested in sticking around. Guess I’ll just be alone, all this potential wasted. I’m very particular and won’t settle for less than true compatibility.

    • @LemCatOfficial
      @LemCatOfficial Год назад +3

      It isn't your fault if other people decide to assume who you are and hurt you-and themselves-in the process; "wasting potential." It is your choice though to keep trying or not based on if you think your potential is worth it! Someone out there in your future encounters probably thinks the same way. 😊

    • @dragonfly9209
      @dragonfly9209 Год назад +1

      Me too...mine was obsessed. He kept trying to "catch me", by bugging phones, surviellance tactics, etc. None of this worked for him, he never found any evidence, because there was none to be had. So...with no evidence whatsoever, he began to just flat out accuse me....with anybody, and everybody. I was walking on eggshells--never talking to anybody, etc, ...to try and curb his jealousy. I thought his insecurities would improve over time--no such luck--he only got worse. After 20+ years, I was suffocating, and had all I could take. I asked him to leave--he didn't want to--but he did. The weight that fell off of me after he left---I could BREATHE for the 1st time in decades. This ruined the idea of any future potential relationships for me. Just not interested at all. Incidentally, he never got into another relationship either. He actually said to me later on...."I never want to do to another woman--what I did to you".

    • @sjgrall
      @sjgrall Год назад +2

      @@dragonfly9209 I am so sorry you went through that!!! What a story!

    • @dragonfly9209
      @dragonfly9209 Год назад +2

      @@sjgrall Thank you so much. I didn't realize it at the time--but later heard that this kind of behavior is extreme emotional abuse. I know there must be wonderful men out there who are not damaged like he is....but I didn't want to chance going through this again, so I choose freedom. Thanks again for your kind words.

  • @richerthaniam9067
    @richerthaniam9067 Год назад +2

    As a guy my response to heartbreak is to get drunk and high that way it numbs the pain.I used to get so stoned to the point where i would forget peoples names.All to forget my partner and the pain that came with it.I was scared to open up cuss i didnt feel like a real man i was like im ok im a man ill get through it eventhough i was crying myself to sleep at night i started to self-harm it wasn't good but im better now.

  • @killertruth186
    @killertruth186 Год назад +3

    I don’t think this is what only women would feel about cheating, let alone felt like being cheated when it is just a pseudo relationship.

  • @loudoniii
    @loudoniii 2 месяца назад

    Thank you so much, Katrin - you express beautifully, and articulately, a complex thought process. To me it seems that "Preparation Pain" runs the serious risk of becoming sefl-fulfilling .. No doubt it is a reflection of previous experience, in whch case individuals might benefit from relationship counselling, to assist in coming to terms with how best to move forward. Ideally we might be able to come to learn to enjoy each day as it comes, and love each minute as we experience it. Our own thought projections are really just that, projections of our own emotions, and a reflection mainly of our own inner turmoil, personal anxieties, and inner angst - that may actually have nothing to do with others' external reality. Life is, after all, short, so I hope that we can all learn to enjoy it as it plays out, and deal with any negative consequences as and when they happen. Most likely, if we can think and act with a positive outlook, life will mirror this attitude and reply accordingly. 🙏

  • @Pinkfrogz
    @Pinkfrogz Год назад +2

    Thank you Kat 🌸💕
    You’re such an intelligent young lady ❤

  • @nadiadevilliers4721
    @nadiadevilliers4721 Год назад +1

    Excellent 👌👌👌👌👌👌👌 Thank you!! Life changing!

  • @Art8157
    @Art8157 Год назад +1

    Very adorable woman with a nice well-trained voice. I think her profession is a journalist or a teacher.

  • @kobikaicalev175
    @kobikaicalev175 8 месяцев назад

    Thank you, the concept of Surprise Pain helps me cope with other forms of anxiety. Also more openness and communication i tye relationship helps me cope there

  • @sallydavidson4471
    @sallydavidson4471 Год назад

    I'd rather be alone than lonely in a relationship!

  • @stevecitac6723
    @stevecitac6723 Год назад +8

    Wow 😮 this explains a lot! I would never think that this can be explained by science

  • @bukurie6861
    @bukurie6861 Год назад +3

    Thank you for your talk❤🫠

  • @animegrl207
    @animegrl207 Год назад +2

    I'm not married but my fiance did cheat on me ..2 month before our marriage 🤷🏻‍♀️ now was I shock? Yes. Did it break my heart? Yes? How did i handle it? I got angry on how my valuable time was wasted and needed to get up again to prepare for a new day .. I stop thinking about my fiancee 2 weeks later after I got my stuff back didn't turn back and didn't bother trying to get an explanation because I don't like wasting time

  • @soniad1
    @soniad1 Год назад +1

    The interpretation of cheating is deeply cultural. There are cultures that don’t worry that much about cheating. Open marriages, couples swap are a fact in them, and then there are cultures that kill each other over cheating.

  • @johndoles3713
    @johndoles3713 Год назад +6

    Could’ve would’ve should’ve🎉🎉🎉🎉

  • @camilaferrari4128
    @camilaferrari4128 Год назад +3

    Love it!!!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼❤️❤️❤️

  • @Nathan_Drake553
    @Nathan_Drake553 Год назад +5

    Just install a software on his phone and laptop to grab everything he is writing

  • @simplysunmoon
    @simplysunmoon Год назад +3

    ❤️🌝🌜 whau you just placed all that in words so nicely! This is exactly true for me too!

  • @chelseashurmantine8153
    @chelseashurmantine8153 Год назад

    Woah! Katrin Berndt what a pleasant surprise!

  • @BradTech.
    @BradTech. Год назад +3

    I did not realize why I was acting this way 😱

  • @WalterWhiteTagalog
    @WalterWhiteTagalog Год назад +3

    Wow, watching her tattoo/piercing videos from a long time ago to this . Just wow

  • @ItzDeshawn
    @ItzDeshawn Год назад +9

    Women call that preparation of pain their INTUITION😂

  • @natnat8759
    @natnat8759 4 месяца назад +1

    yep! there is my Swedish teacher! 😘

  • @SyahrilAlan-e8l
    @SyahrilAlan-e8l 5 дней назад

    Jay

  • @anoncapitalist7045
    @anoncapitalist7045 Год назад +4

    Because she cheated on people before. She's projecting

    • @xSongbird
      @xSongbird Год назад +2

      This is bs
      Its the Same for me
      Most od the Time Its the Low selfeesteem or past experinces like Ur dad cheated on Ur mom

  • @ahmedhmedan
    @ahmedhmedan Год назад

    thank your tolk

  • @jbug884
    @jbug884 Год назад +4

    My husband calls me 3-4 times a day, he says it’s because he loves me, but I feel controlled and it’s driving me away. I’ve even blocked his number and forgot, so he bought me a new phone thinking mine was broken 😂

  • @CielleID
    @CielleID Год назад +1

    Ooh, the trauma responses....

  • @AaronHalliday
    @AaronHalliday Год назад

    It took her this long to diagnose insecure attachment.... Maybe her clients should be seeing a psychologist instead of her.

  • @nun-chan9433
    @nun-chan9433 Год назад +2

    How many times have you said that my partner could be cheating on me right now!.
    How many times have you said that try to throw yourself under the bus? I suppose your brain has been invaded by your way of thinking. I'm an inter mediate English learner.
    Your talk is comprehensible for me thanks to repetition of some phrases/not too many unknown word/familiar theme.
    I'll make your talk shadowing text for my language skill.

  • @charlieangkor8649
    @charlieangkor8649 Год назад

    She’s afraid she is being cheated on because it’s pretty possible she is. The treatment you get in a relationship is not worse than the best alternative minus the cost of switching.

  • @machrisosoriov.5136
    @machrisosoriov.5136 Год назад

    In spanish, please

  • @KemalKaratatar
    @KemalKaratatar Год назад +1

    Therefore I have three affairs in three cities 😂

  • @realnaveen
    @realnaveen Год назад

    Conscious of singles doubles etc must be clear on this holy subject. Are you talking of fancy term called transparency 🤭

  • @sekaiomiruhitokaminoyume5426
    @sekaiomiruhitokaminoyume5426 Год назад +2

    I don’t expect to much about this video, let’s see

  • @chelseashurmantine8153
    @chelseashurmantine8153 Месяц назад

    I practiced this all day the day Trump got elected.

  • @christopher-miles
    @christopher-miles Год назад

    omg! you can tell she has cried in the car listening to parkway and mcr on the way home from her ex's house.

  • @awesomeblossomsenglishlear5710
    @awesomeblossomsenglishlear5710 Год назад +2

    Hey
    Good morning
    I also want to be there

  • @paulgodin1522
    @paulgodin1522 Год назад +4

    The "preparation pain" probably comes from the bad decisions in her past by dating the "bad boys" who treated her like that and, instead of learning from that experience, kept choosing the same type of guy. "Choosing to be surprised" just means she found her naive "nice guy" that she knows will put up with just about anything and think that he's lucky to have her.

  • @joeldwest
    @joeldwest Год назад

    The better option is security. The better option is Socialism.

    • @grmpEqweer
      @grmpEqweer Год назад +3

      Yes, sir, but this is still a Wendy's.

  • @ludwigantoninosanctoper
    @ludwigantoninosanctoper Год назад +1

    Gender dinamics are not the same between members, for women the consecuences will always be greater on the negative side, 'cause of their emotionalism.

    • @deedieducati2272
      @deedieducati2272 Год назад +2

      Not all women are "emotional" like you think they are. Lack of estrogen causes women to act more like a man does, without emotion.

    • @dickdarlington3559
      @dickdarlington3559 Год назад

      Weird. I know way more women who cheat than men. If you don't have a set of morals and ethics, your options tend to determine your actions. Edit: Like half of the men I know don't even have anyone to cheat on, let alone a spare.

    • @greekgamer5845
      @greekgamer5845 Год назад +6

      There are a lot of human emotions there is grief anger jealousy, love, hate and many more no one gender is predesposed to have certain emotions or not have at all

    • @ludwigantoninosanctoper
      @ludwigantoninosanctoper Год назад +1

      @@deedieducati2272 that's the exception

    • @ludwigantoninosanctoper
      @ludwigantoninosanctoper Год назад +1

      @@greekgamer5845 indeed, yet the order how you proccess them affects your reality, we are not the same, we are not equal, basic Middle school biology

  • @SemrabTeklom-zn2tn
    @SemrabTeklom-zn2tn Год назад

    You from me woman: i love so much: i want face you: you say ok :i have education art's songer ❤::

  • @SyahrilAlan-e8l
    @SyahrilAlan-e8l 5 дней назад

    Jay