When you asked how we feel when we hear we're inflexible etc. As a sp 1 I already think being a 1 is the worst. I'm my own biggest critic and that includes criticizing my oneness. I loved when you said we're natural leaders etc, it made me feel good because all I ever hear from the enneagram (maybe my own tuned in ears) is negativity about the 1 personality. I never thought I could be a good parent but somehow you're saying 1s are. I would love to hear more positives about the 1. I don't think we got enough of those as children and we've internalized the only voice we ever heard. Thanks for giving a glimpse of a different voice with the positive comments you've made
Agree… like I literally feel guilty over being a 1 and feeling that there’s something wrong with me for being so rigid and unenjoyable TO be around. It was nice to hear a couple positives.
Never feel bad about your number! Ever number has their strengths and weaknesses! I LOVE my 1 husband, even though he makes me nuts sometimes, lol. And hes a great dad, amazing leader, and good a bringing my 9 strengths out when I just want to wallow in my weaknesses.
For what it's worth I'm a 4w5 and I thought the enneagram only had negative things to say about me. But I think upon inspecting other types and learning more in general I do not think that is the case any more!
I'm a so/sp 1 and so sick of being a 1; I hear you. I'm trying so hard to be more 7; I think that's the key to my freedom: enjoy people, enjoy the moment, enjoy this beautiful life. I learned the word "perfect" doesn't mean "without error." It means "complete." So if I can decide you or this meal or my workout or anything is fine and complete just the way it is, it's complete and perfect! Ahhh, relief. Want to say that I'm an ENFJ, which is pretty far off from what a lot of people think 1's are: ISTJ's. I don't care about a lot of things, but I do care about people, how they are treated, how they are taught.
I definitely hear what you are saying, I'm a 1 so I get it. But I've actually always felt good about myself as a 1. I value ethics & Morality , so I feel very proud of myself for always trying my best to live up to the high standards I hold myself to. Yes I have down times, where I feel angry & frustrated at myself for not doing better or for messing up or just at how unfair the world is. But I see myself always striving to do good & be compassionate & make other people's lives better & to fight for social justice. Even when Its hard on me. 1s really just want to make things better, we just need to work on being less focused on perfection & more excepting of other people's ways of being.
One year later and this just may save my life. I mistyped myself as a 2. Come to find I’m a 4. Now re watching this video really made a huge difference in relating to my 1 bf. Profound!!!! Thank you dr
Us 9s and Rotteilers naturally just go together... we are nature people... we don't need to do anything! Just relax and everything will be ok! Lions, tigers and bears... no problem 😁
This video has been beyond enlightening!! I have for years “believed” my dominant # was 7, and after some inspiration to reinvestigate, I wholeheartedly resonate with 1. And I have belly laughed many times in this because even just over the last couple of weeks I’ve said VERBATIM some of the things you’ve said today 😂 I love this.
Watching this felt like my life was being narrated before me. Thank you so much! I’ve struggled a lot in the past 20 years from my 1-ness and eventually couldn’t take it anymore; I’ve been going to therapy for a few months now and I’ve been doing my own research at the side to help better understand myself. This video was so insightful and I can’t thank you enough!
Realizing that others don't feel pressure/responsibility and guilt/shame as much as I do is what made me realize I'm a 1. I thought sure I relate to a Type 1 but not more than anyone else! But apparently not everyone feels such responsibility and guilt, and just realizing that has helped me understand a lot about the world. I find myself not so much detail oriented or perfectionist but I am really good at seeing what battles are worth fighting and when to just let things go--better than others. I also feel like I'm definitely SO since I focus a lot on comparing to others and wanting to improve others.
Love the analogy of the pebble of criticism landing like a boulder. I have had talks with my partner about how if I mess something up he really doesn't need to berate me for it, even pointing it out feels like too much, because I'm usually already going crazy in my head.
if you feel guilt an shame - you could AS WELL be a 4. Even a self-preserving one!! Being a one in general goes along w/ a very sharp energy. It's the energy, do always do thinks methodically, structured and efficient! And moreover, not living so much on an empathic or feeling side (which makes humans softer to others and for themselves ;-))
I'm a 4w5 and my husband is the quintessential one. I laughed out loud at several parts during the video because it described him spot on. Thankfully he and I are best friends, but it's taken work! There is always room for improvement in relationships, so thank you for this awesome video. Love your channel. :)
52:22 You are SPOT on with this. Even before I knew I was a 1, I noticed it was such a relief when people would make light of my little angry grumbles.
As a one , the need to improve -- from my perspective is evolution. I am thankful for this video. My father was a one, and always impressed upon me when I was very young -- there is always room for improvement. I am in the process of becoming more aware of these aspects of myself, and letting go of programming, and allowing my own authentic nature to emerge.
such a great video.. one occasion you really hit the spot was when you read a note that said Ones had trouble showing they are vulnerable. I wish you had elaborated on that.. To me it always feels nobody can really help me.. that i am more of an adult than almost everybody i know. I end up just throwing all my troubles in the dump truck and working on helping myself later. I wish I can find my own One..
My husband is a weird 1 because he is NOT the responsible one in our relationship. I am a 6 and I am the responsible one, the planner, the money manager, the manager of the calendar etc. He is very strong in his opinions, believes what he thinks is correct is the only correct way and we should all do it that way, when he doesn't see that we are all doing it his way he just retreats but then blows up later. He points out the flaw in logic ALL THE TIME. He is very much focused on reforming others rather than reforming himself. He holds people to ridiculously high standards but then doesn't hold himself to the same. So Beatrice Chestnut's book The Complete Enneagram was very helpful because we learned that my husband is the countertype one (The Sexual One) which then made type one fit so much more. He first identified as a 7 but I never experienced him that way and he really didn't identify with the positivity piece. So we explored the 4 and 1 and landed on Sexual One. What you said about raising kids really hit hard as he tends to be so focused on the rules and making a child that listens rather than showing love and building relationship.
It would be A LOT of work, but I would appreciate it if you would do a comparison for what each relationship would be like with tips. Like 1 in relationship with 2, 2 with 5, etc. I know A LOT of work, but it would be great of you did a series.
I was watching this video because I wanted to learn more about my dad, who is a 1w9 social type. But I found almost all of your descriptions matched me more than what I see in him. I'm a 2w1. "A born manager" That one really hit home. I'm really enjoying all of your videos, they are so helpful and informative! It's almost hard to believe how dead on the enneagram is.
My healthy 1w2 is an ESFJ, so he’s relatively adaptable. He’s Social/Self Preservation, so he can be mechanical at times though. Btw, I think you will never be mistaken for a Dry Professor 5 bc of your Buddy 7w6 energy.
I'm the only adult lol. Found your channel yesterday and several times throughout watching the videos on the 1s I have had to just put my head down and shake it knowing what you're saying is so spot on. Wing 2 primarily for me. Now figuring out the hubby lol
Listening to you is like looking me in the mirror! I am glad that i can laugh of my defects and be aware of them (in order to improve of course...i know that it’s sound very type 1) instead of just being stuck.
Wow Dr. LaHue this video was really amazing. I just recently gained exposure to this personality classification and your ability to dissect this type was chilling. I learned I’m a 1 just yesterday and this felt like a 1 on 1 conversation; by voicing so many aspects of my internal monologue it really demonstrates how easily you can fall into the “I’m always right” kind of attitude. Really awesome content, thank you for what you do!
@24:24 yes! I hear it. I am it! If I don’t do it, the wrong won’t be righted … and others may get hurt. The conviction that I must be in this at this exact time for a purpose and this moment is pivotal if not in my own life then for those who come after me. If I were to die tomorrow or next year, did I fulfill my purpose? That’s how heavy my one-ness is for every decision
I liked the comment talk them off the ledge. I agree about needing to nurture children. Every child is special. We pick our battles.I am a 2 with a 1 wing. Great information. Thank you for sharing.
I'm a 1 (no wing) married to a 1w9. We are constantly fighting about being appropiate and doing what's "correct" 🤣🤣🤣 our idea of fun, is a perfect planning of camping meals and executing out the meals at the "perfect" time. "You should be also taking out the trash" a perfect example of what my husband and I do to each other 🤣🤣🤣
My dad was a strict, bordering on cruel 1. Let’s just say, hypothetically, at one point my strongest ability may or may not have been being a pro with getting away with anything and everything through tried and tested methods of cunning and deception haha. I’ve straighten out a lot with age and self-reflection, but it’s interesting how that worked out. His focus was definitely not on the war, I think if it had been I would have turned out differently. No complaints, just interesting to think about it that way.
This video has helped me SO much. My mom is a pretty unhealthy one and it has caused me a life time of thinking there is something wrong with me. She visited me for the first time in 2 years (Covid related/lockdowns etc) recently and all she focused on was “planning the day”. As a type 9 sitting together, talking, sharing photos while enjoying our coffee was the day. What’s to plan? Aren’t we doing it?
I really truly appreciate how unapologetic you are about the way you do your videos. Im a 2w3 with a 4% difference between the 1 and 2. So SEEING someone fully be unapologetically perfect and free as they're working towards their goals without guilt is SOOOO freeing for me. Lol 😆
Thanks! it really helped me to understand more my 1 boyfriend. I got few good ideas about how to get along better with him, as I was struggling a bit about how to communicate. Although I did not want to criticise him, he took it as such....so, I got a very good example about how to do it.
I once tried to compliment a one that clearly took it as criticism. No matter what I said next, could not convince him otherwise. It got to the point, I was afraid to speak to him for fear he would take it the wrong way. That inner critic never shuts up and it can be hard to talk over them.
Anyone else a 1 and not really that tidy/clean? I’m a SP 1w2 and while I’m not a slob I feel like with cleaning my 9 wing comes out 😂 I sometimes feel like an imposter 1 because of this. I feel like I mainly focus on improving myself morally and also i do have strong tendencies for order like in budgeting and at work (I’m a nurse). I do notice ways others CAN improve themselves but I don’t vocalize it. I also always see things wrong with certain systems and governments but am very aware I don’t have the right answers 😂 I just can point out flaws like no other lol.
I am almost positive that my mother is a 1, especially after listening to this video. That was a question I had too. Her house has always been full and cluttered, yet she has a "right" and "wrong" way to do everything. I think part of that belief, that there is only 1 way of doing things, makes it harder for her to be neat and tidy because each chore takes so long for her. Her attic is organized with the boxes all labeled. She spends hours organizing the freezer. She works hard all the time and her work is never done- at least not "good enough". When we try to help her, she can't seem to leave us to do the job ourselves. She keeps coming back in and inspecting. 😅 I am in my 40's and I (a very typical 9) have to force myself to tell her: "Don't worry. I got this. I know how you want it done. Go do the other things you need done." We hired housecleaners for her, but she didn't think they did it right and said she didn't need them! It is so hard to know how to help her. I can imagine it might be hard for a 1 to have a clean house because they might have such a full life and no human being can possibly keep everything the way it should be. So, it would be logical, that one's home might be the place that doesn't get done. I imagine it might be very frustrating though. As a 9, I feel like I can relax more in a house that isn't in perfect shape. It's hard to relax when I am afraid to mess something up by stepping on the rug, or sitting on the couch! But, I think my Mom's house really bothers her. I should go help her more... (It isn't bad. I mean, it doesn't stink, it isn't dirty, she is really a clean person, just cluttered..)
I'm a 1w9 and my 1ness comes out in other ways, not being overly clean and tidy (also not a slob). At first that idea that 1s are super clean mislead me to think I'm a different number but I'm definitely a 1.
Good stuff on parenting. To add, our concern about relaxing on correction is related to our desire that our kids turn out well/good. Hard to let that fear go as a 1.
As a 7, having a 1 spouse/partner constantly criticising me and implying that 'im not good enough' so that they can distract themselves from self-criticism sounds like a toxic dynamic to me. Not particularly great on my self-esteem. *shudders* I know you 7's out there can relate.
I’m a 1W2 and I’ve never done that. Especially never consciously. I would think that is a pretty low level of health to do that intentionally. If you are experiencing that, Please don’t think your spouse is doing that on purpose ♥️
@@breezymountaineventsjourna4626 Apologies. I did not explain myself clearly. I do not have an enneagram 1 spouse. That being said, this is my perspective as a 7, why I would avoid 1's as spouses if that was the dynamic of the relationship, where I'm constantly criticized.
@@breezymountaineventsjourna4626 Thing is though is that it doesn’t matter if the spouse does it on purpose. All that matters is that the spouse does it.
My mom is a 1 and an ENFP, the quirky and eccentric energu is very high. Couple that with the core traits of a 3, makes her a handful to deal with, and pretty disorienting even for people who knows her well. She has almost no friends but she doesn'y care.
Spot on. I like the tennis ball analogy. My ISTJ 1w2 wife will always focus on the dirty spot at the floor and the bread crumbles at the table. She feels like she’s the only responsible adult in the house. I appreciate all the things she does and wish she would enjoy life a bit more.
I really recommend Richard Rohr for a deeper understanding of the type 1, or any type. Joy makes us feel vulnerable, because it feels like it could be taken away. We started out as pure joy types.
Nice video! Can't wait for the other personalities (2 and 4 in particular, as that's my boyfriend and me 😊) thank you for sharing your knowledge with us lot! :)
Totally me. Just wish my boyfriend (an 8) would watch this, but we all know he won't. Yes, I'm sure it's not a walk in the park to live with me or to be my son. And yes, it's exhausting.
I thought my husband was a 1, but he doesn't try to improve our relationship. He has always been happy with how things are going. Everyone I know says I am obviously a 7, but I don't have an issue with gluttony. I've thought very critically about my sins and don't see it. I've also asked my family and they don't see it either. Maybe we all need to take another test?
I'm a 1. At least two possible explainations: 1. He may not want to improve everything, but does try improve things in other areas or in general. 2. He DOES want to improve the relationship but he feels there's so much to do/improve in life that things need to be prioritized and puts the relationship lower. I know I relate to #2 that I want to improve EVERYTHING, but I can only do so much.
Look at motivation, not sin and I think he's talking more about one to one/sexual type ones. I'm a self preservation type, I accept others and my relationships exactly how they are, it's myself that I am constantly trying to change. Is your husband interested in always making himself better?
For you, you need to check your subtype: self-preservation, sexual or social. Gluttony may be seen differently depending on the subtype. For example, gluttony in social subtypes may be expressed as a need to be constantly with people, a gluttony for company and socialising, while in other subtypes the gluttony may express differently. Hope this helps.
I think that may be a sexual one thing. I have never seen this is relationship with one. I have only ever been with an sp1. You may be so7. They want to be giving to others more than the other 7s.
This is my husband you're speaking of. How do I handle the situation when he's discharging his anger at our son (12 yo). I'm a 9w1 (sx/sp) so I tend to merge with this, and I regret that instantly.
@kassiopeia123 I have been struggling with this as well. It only occurred to me recently that the merging issue might be behind why I sometimes blow up at our kids (I'm a 9w1) when my (type 1) husband is frustrated at our children. Your comment makes me think that probably is what is going on with me. My blow up is shocking to me, and feels absolutely horrible. I think I just want to diffuse the conflict in that moment because it feels so uncomfortable, but instead I end up adding to it! I have to remind myself that I don't have to have my husband's feelings in those situations. I have also found personally that what makes the hugest difference for me in preventing blow ups is making time to connect with God every day (I'm a Christian), so that I am not as prone to losing my own self in my husband's very clear and strong will (again, type 1!). Instead I feel more connected with God and grounded in who I am, seeing the whole picture instead of getting stuck in only my husband's perspective.
@@morganhenn As a 9w1 I have to remind myself daily that I'm an individual and that being physically/mentally "separate" from, and not merge with my loved-ones is okay and won't do me harm.
This super sucks... I'm a one that always thought I was a four because of trauma and as I heal, I become more aware of my one-ness... and now I've lost something really special because a 1 and 5 together is really hard.
I'm a 5 and one of the best relationships I ever had was with a 1, but you're right, it can be hard. If I knew then what I know now, about the enneagram and stuff, I think I could have made it work. I just didn't understand what he needed from me.
Powerful , I can relate to the 1 totally , it's a challenge to quiet the inner critic for sure . I have a troubleshooter that is overactive , I'm learning to accept life as it is .
I agree that "the enneagram is painful". I did not however find any other system to be complex enough to understand ourselves and others the way the enneagram teaches. You are Tom my very favorite interpreter of this wisdom. Would you consider please to tackle the gap between the 5 and the 4? I did not find any interpretations on this lack of connections between 4 and 5. does this mean that they are doomed always to have a one "broken wing"? I am also trying to understand why being an 8w7 I have such a hard time to open my heart to those two numbers. Thank you.
I don't know if self deceived is true but definitely just not as up to standards as he's saying. You can have a lazy or messy 1. They probably still complain about it but they still can be lazy or messy. Perfectionism can actually be a mental health issue where you look the complete opposite of a perfectionist
I agree with the other person that said that's more of a 3 thing. If anything, 1s tend to self-asses as doing less than they really do. The "accomplish" less in the same amount of time due to the need to do everything the "right" way and then criticize themselves for being less productive or being slower than others.
Hi Tom! Love you videos and I’m excited for this series. You and your wife had started one similar to this. Will you continue with that series as well? 😊
For me as a 1 it’s someone that wants to grow personally and also has the desire to help the world. My soon to be ex husband was an unhealthy 9 and Id have to be with a very healthy 9 to consider dating a 9. The lack of criticism from a 9 is nice, but I realize I’d rather have open communication (even if there is constructive criticism) than not know where someone really stands (again, if the 9 is unhealthy).
I work with a 1 and a 9 and I think they are both nice and healthy but they do not get along. Yes, ones want the passivity of the 9s but, 9s can be very stubborn and don't always do things your way. Ones can also be very critical of 9s because they can't abide by the laziness of the 9 when a 9 just wants to chill. 9s don't appreciate being criticized and are motivated to do things the easy way, not the "right" way. What the one wants is a certain level of passivity but, they still want the other person to help them and do everything right (i.e., their way). They would be happier with a 6 who will follow them, or a 5 who are truly the most passive types and the least reactive to criticism. Ones also like a partner who can get them to be a little bad, but make it good. If you are the partner to a one, part of your job is to corrupt that goody-two-shoes. Fun is good, right? Make sure there are no real-life consequences, or you won't be trusted.
Hi! I am 6 with boyfriend 1. Recently we had a crisis. We talked about the problems and apparently we solved it and we want to continue together and turn the page, however, he (1) is still very distant with me. Sometimes I even notice him resentful and with drastic mood swings: sometimes very tender, sometimes distant. I've questioned him about it, but he doesn't want to talk and just says we're okay. Any advice? Perhaps your comments can bring light on the matter, because I am confused by his attitude. Thanks!
@Norma Padilla - can you go to a good counselor? Go by yourself if he won’t go with you. It’s impossible to solve a couple’s’ problem with one talk. If your 1 won’t talk about his resentment toward you, you can’t make him fix it.
He needs to have a safe way to express his anger and frustrations. This is essential for the health of the relationship. Ones struggle with anger but anger is bad so they try to push it down and it's not healthy. If you can't handle it, go to a counselor to help you both. It can be hard for 6s, you want to please your person.
Omg my husband says that ALL THE DAMN TIME! Drives me so crazy smh... I've learned to leave him in that. I do my best to talk him down the ledge, but then I realized only Jesus can really get through to him fully. And I'm ok with that now. I'm tired...
Thank you Dr Tom, it is soooo interesting! I may have missed it, but what is the desired partner for a One ? (6: seeks Loyal Companion, 7: seeks Fellow Traveller, 8: seeks Sparring Partner,.1: seeks?)
My wife is an 8 and she’s far from a perfectionist, ones are very perfectionistic. Look at your motivation. 8s are motivated by strength and don’t want to show weakness or vulnerabilities unless the are really heathy.
I'm a one wing nine. I'd like to share something and would love to get feedback from others. Why is it that when I work on being more flexible, less strict with my kids, less perfectionistic, and reducing my "have to's" I'm afraid that I'm going to "lose" my personality? Does anyone else feel this way?
1w9 here. When I deliberately focus on chilling out, whether at work or with family, I hear a nagging voice saying, "why are you letting go of your identity." After a lot of work I now tell myself to expect that voice at the same time as I choose to focus on chilling out. And I say to that voice before it comes, "Thanks for your concern, I love these people and I'm just going to do this for a little while. Everything's going to be fine." Pre-anticipating helps rewiring for me. Hope that helps.
As much as i hate to admit it, i think this is pretty spot on! I am a 1w2 ESTJ, and all i can say is that i can be a pain in the ass sometimes but all i ever really wanted was to have everything in order lol hence, the "perfectionist"😆 i feel like Dr. Tom just went through my head and exposed me haha
You've done a great job of describing some of my inner thoughts. This has been super enlightening. However I've never felt like I criticise others to distract from my own faults. I do criticise - but for other reasons. Do other 1s agree?
not only that there's always a need of improvement, BUT!! this will automatically give the other person then sense of not being adequate, not being good enough (for what's good has not be improved). So it can, and especially w/ sx 1s, lead easily to feeling less and less worth for the person being constantly improved and not being loved for just as he or she IS (=unconditional love). This might lead to a real downward spiral. Not nice to be honest! I made this experience w/ an VERY! selfrighteous one. And it turned out to be a nightmare for myself. Already having had a mother in my childhood, for whom a was never!!! good enough just as I was!!!
37:50 to like 30 seconds after....wooooo! If people can't negotiate with you, can I have a relationship with you? I'm just a independent "bedfellow" now because I don't feel comfortable and feel stuck. It's a horrible feeling. I'm in this situation now (although I assumed he was an 8 but he may be a 1). I'm a 9w1 btw.
1w2, yes everyone hates me (including myself) except all the homeless I bring home and feed, I even moved one in for 6 months 🤣. People like myself need our own planet!! All the rest of you are wonderful(!) just keep trying to keep the dishes done put away the clean laundry and put away the tools where they belong when you are done with them, you will get there! 🤣🤣🤣 Oh, and I would love to go have fun, just help me catch up on the chores first 😚.
true. everyone is broken. yet - why do we have to serve as an escape-route for the ones permanent self-critizism. Why do I have to give allowance to the overly critical one to use ME?? as an relief for its on shadowy sides?? Not d'accord w/ that! really NOT!
Hi:).. Apreciate this video.. Ima 1w9..when u say in the end "when we work earlier innthe yard it was bit scary how u act".. Thats f me like to say "iam afraid of u u madman not able to trust that u can control your emotions and actions"... Thats a very hard criticism f 1;)
Great video! A few comments: I always hear how 1s criticize themselves hard. But I hardly do...I feel I'm very confident. Rather I criticize others because they don't meet my expectations. Intentional friend - absolutely. I'm pretty much closed unless people offer "value" to my life. Win the war, not the battle - yes currently working on this, especially at work haha Too many things to do, less fun and the need for order - spot on. I have a long to do list, and I have trouble keeping up, which causes stress, so I hardly have "fun" downtime. And add the need for order in everything... yup exhausting as you said. Yes I do want to fix and improve everything!! And wonder why others don't haha Be more relatable - yup working on this. Only adult and responsible one - spot on. I'm super responsible and my family notices and tells me. Default seeing what's "wrong" - 100% which make me look at the negative first but I need to focus on the positive first. Tennis ball analogy - Similarly, I notice when off color replacement light bulbs that don't match the others are used in public areas. Anger due to not high expectations - 100% but as we know it's repressed with a lid, but definitely seeps out in the form of frustration.
Do you find that one's are usually istj's? Also, your analogy with the tennis balls was so on point. While I value my attention to detail, I'm now curious why I feel the need to correct the 2%..
@@VV-ik7sy Well don’t let me paint all type 1s with the same brush. She had her own unique set of issues that weren’t solely because of her type -as did I (consider, too, our unique relationship dynamic as a couple). Although I find a lot of truth in the enneagram, my one critique is that it is too quick to categorize our thinking and behaviour as “personality” without much room for other contexts that shape a person (biology, trauma, culture, etc). 1. She had a really hard time relaxing and being present. There were always a million competing things that needed her attention before sex was possible. 2.She was punishingly hard on herself about her appearance. She often felt she looked bad or wasn’t clean enough to have sex or that I was viewing her negatively (though I wasn’t!) 3. She would hold micro-grudges for eternity about things like putting the cutlery in the wrong slot. Those would put her out of any “mood” for ages despite my apologies. Worse was when she was embarrassed of her own grudges because she KNEW they were annoyingly petty, yet her reaction was viscerally out of her control. Therefore, she wouldn’t want to tell me what was wrong and that created SECRET grudges which hurt us both because I had no idea what was happening. 4. Generally, giving and receiving love from her was a delicate tip-toeing to meet her exact expectations and schedule, and even when conditions were ideal, she would imply that we had missed the mark in some way. Eventually, I began to feel that she wouldn’t be able to really tolerate being in an equal partnership and that, in order to stay together, I would inevitably have to amputate unreasonably large chunks of myself off to conform to her rigid mould of expectations. But I didn’t say it was awful; I said it wasn’t EASY. We found that when she was sleepy and still in bed in the morning, she was often ready to go because the day and it’s imperfections hadn’t registered for her yet. If we went out with friends and had a few drinks, she would be tearing my clothes off later as we walked in the door at home. We made lists together of tasks so that there was a plan to complete them and she could then release them out of her mind for awhile. We also found that sex was spontaneous when the longview of our relationship allowed it to be spontaneous. Meaning, we had to learn how we were hurting each other unintentionally so that when the cutlery was in the wrong slot, she had the ability to interpret it as human error and not as something done out of mindless neglect or blatant disrespect towards her. Spontaneous sex could occur way more frequently after years of working on trusting each other. Trust was the key to her relaxation. She was far too vulnerable and feeling too unsafe to fully trust me intimately and to allow for real desire-based sex before we built that base.
I don't know how familiar you are with MBTI, but your examples of things 1s get frustrated with are more aligned with more of an ISTJ rather than simply the Enneagram 1. I am an INFJ 1w2, and I don't give a fuck about things. I care about helping to improve people so they can reach their full potential. So someone not loading the dishwasher properly, not a concern of mine as long as the dishes get cleaned. LOL Do I notice a pillow on the floor that is out of place? Sure...I have eyeballs. But, is it going to irritate me to the point of needing to scold somebody over it and tell them what they should do? No, not unless there is something else going on. If I'm blowing up over things, there is a much bigger problem happening and has been going on for a while that has nothing to do with dishes or a pillow on the floor. I believe that is known as displacement of anger. It's a problem. An ISTJ has Si hero and is very duty oriented (i.e. routines, chores, traditions) and detail oriented about things (sensory world), but an INFJ is more focused on the future (Ni hero, abstract world) and people feelings and morals (Fe parent). So what a 1 wants to improve, perfect, or reform can be quite different depending on the personality type that is filling the slot of the Enneagram type 1. Sorry if that is preachy, I just struggled relating to many of the things you mentioned that frustrates 1s. My guess is that you know a 1 that happens to also be an ISTJ, and thus, many of your examples are pulled from that person/people, but it leaves out all the other personality types that are also 1s that aren't quite so duty focused.
I also want to point out that nearly all of your examples of the 1 actually described my ISTJ 6w5 mother to a T with the exception of her not having anger as her triad. My mother is a 6 and not a 1 because she doesn't have anger, she is more risk averse and fearful and seeks her safety through the Church (safety in numbers/groups), but she is 100% about duty, and all the things you described about dishes needing to be done a specific way or not being able to relax until the trash is out or whatever, and not very good at showing her feelings...that isn't necessarily the Enneagram 1, that is the ISTJ with Enneagram 1. I have struggled my entire life to have a decent relationship with my mother. As I said earlier, I am an INFJ 1w2 and my love language is quality time and physical touch. My mother's love language is acts of service and words of acknowledgement. The very things you were describing as how the 1 will want you to show your love to them, but that isn't what I need. Yes, everyone wants to be appreciated, so I agree that saying thank you no matter how the other person responds is a great thing. However, only (shouldn't say only because there are always exceptions, but using it anyway) the ISTJ 1s will fall into what I'm assuming was your ISTJ, Enneagram 1, brother's behavior and his love language. You most likely wanted to go to Disneyland and explore with your brother and have quality time with him (most likely your love language), but he was more interested in taking care of responsibilities before goofing off and would get frustrated with you when you weren't being responsible. You probably want a closer relationship with your brother and wish he understood your love language and spent some quality time with you. I took quite a bit of assumptions in my reply, so I'm sorry if I missed the mark. This is just what I saw from my perspective while listening to your video on relationships with 1s. Hope this helps. If not, then you can disregard.
@@saraschemmel from reading your write up it seems like you are a pretty evolved 1 and have done a lot of work. You certainly seem to have a high level of meta cognition. I believe a lot of these videos are focused on folks just learning about the Enneagram as a framework for future work. So, YMMV.
@@saraschemmel Most ones are T types but the F types can be a lot less critical to others, more empathic and gentle. I still think the core of the one is there and much of what he said remains valid. ESTJ/ISTJ are the more typical one types. I once dated an ISFJ type 1. Best boyfriend ever. He never criticized me but, in retrospect, I kind of wish he had. Maybe then I could have known what he wasn't happy about in the relationship and kept it going.
My two highest scores are 6 and 1. They’re so close. So I looked into both. And after feeling so triggered from all this info bc it hits too hard I’ve come to the conclusion I kinda hate me lol. Like fuck how can anyone want to be with me?! I feel like the worst kind of person. So strange. I am 100% about honesty and loyalty. I hate being in black and white and wrong or right. I hope I can ease all this in my mind.
Uh… believe me, ones also have the Rottweilers on the outside! They are perfect, and you are always a piece of sh@t. Ones…. Judgmental, always needing to “correct” you, even if THEY are the child and YOU are the parent. Ones and eights…. Prideful, self righteous, controlling, the harshest, most difficult judgmental relationships of all. Perfectionist, judgmental, unkind, mean, self righteous. Give me a four, or two or nine anyday!
Your examples are just unhealthy 1s. Healthy 1s appear more like 7s and so are busy (purposefully) having fun and (conscientiously) not being judgmental--so you may even know and like some 1s without realizing it! Any type in disintegration sucks.
I'd rather take on a partner who can call me out than one who insists everything is fine but actually isn't. The passive aggression and ghosting of unhealthy 9s is a particular hell too.
![I.N "HALLUCINATION" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/n5B5q1Hwt_U/mqdefault.jpg)
“Not everyone goes to guilt as fast as you do”. Wow. Spot on!
“Turn up the intensity or turn up the relationship”
my automatic reply to that was “Of course they don’t feel guilt as automatically as the 1”…I have things to work on lol
When you asked how we feel when we hear we're inflexible etc. As a sp 1 I already think being a 1 is the worst. I'm my own biggest critic and that includes criticizing my oneness. I loved when you said we're natural leaders etc, it made me feel good because all I ever hear from the enneagram (maybe my own tuned in ears) is negativity about the 1 personality. I never thought I could be a good parent but somehow you're saying 1s are. I would love to hear more positives about the 1. I don't think we got enough of those as children and we've internalized the only voice we ever heard. Thanks for giving a glimpse of a different voice with the positive comments you've made
Agree… like I literally feel guilty over being a 1 and feeling that there’s something wrong with me for being so rigid and unenjoyable TO be around. It was nice to hear a couple positives.
Never feel bad about your number! Ever number has their strengths and weaknesses! I LOVE my 1 husband, even though he makes me nuts sometimes, lol. And hes a great dad, amazing leader, and good a bringing my 9 strengths out when I just want to wallow in my weaknesses.
For what it's worth I'm a 4w5 and I thought the enneagram only had negative things to say about me. But I think upon inspecting other types and learning more in general I do not think that is the case any more!
I'm a so/sp 1 and so sick of being a 1; I hear you. I'm trying so hard to be more 7; I think that's the key to my freedom: enjoy people, enjoy the moment, enjoy this beautiful life. I learned the word "perfect" doesn't mean "without error." It means "complete." So if I can decide you or this meal or my workout or anything is fine and complete just the way it is, it's complete and perfect! Ahhh, relief.
Want to say that I'm an ENFJ, which is pretty far off from what a lot of people think 1's are: ISTJ's. I don't care about a lot of things, but I do care about people, how they are treated, how they are taught.
I definitely hear what you are saying, I'm a 1 so I get it. But I've actually always felt good about myself as a 1. I value ethics & Morality , so I feel very proud of myself for always trying my best to live up to the high standards I hold myself to. Yes I have down times, where I feel angry & frustrated at myself for not doing better or for messing up or just at how unfair the world is. But I see myself always striving to do good & be compassionate & make other people's lives better & to fight for social justice. Even when Its hard on me.
1s really just want to make things better, we just need to work on being less focused on perfection & more excepting of other people's ways of being.
16:48 "rules without relationship will always lead to rebellion" QUOTE
I just loved the quote...
My current relationship situation...
"The only adult in the room" I felt that. Lol. Man. I listen to these and I've never felt more understood than I do in that moment.
I have frequently told my husband that I wouldn't be serious all the time if he could be serious more of the time. He's a 2, and I'm a 1w9.
My Dad was a One and I married a Type One. I am an 8 wing 9 and we’ve been married for 16 years. I think everything you presented is accurate.
One year later and this just may save my life. I mistyped myself as a 2. Come to find I’m a 4. Now re watching this video really made a huge difference in relating to my 1 bf. Profound!!!! Thank you dr
Your rottweiler analogy is very good for 8 and 1. This led me to associate 9 has a rottweiler that is already being tamed.
Well said. As an 8w9, I can tell now my personal development efforts are all about learning to tame my own rottweiler.
i think it’s funnier to have the analogy that the 9 forgets the Rottweiler exists
Us 9s and Rotteilers naturally just go together... we are nature people... we don't need to do anything! Just relax and everything will be ok! Lions, tigers and bears... no problem 😁
I’m a 2 with a 1 boyfriend and every single part of this is correct thanks for helping me better love him
This video has been beyond enlightening!! I have for years “believed” my dominant # was 7, and after some inspiration to reinvestigate, I wholeheartedly resonate with 1. And I have belly laughed many times in this because even just over the last couple of weeks I’ve said VERBATIM some of the things you’ve said today 😂 I love this.
You got this!
Watching this felt like my life was being narrated before me. Thank you so much! I’ve struggled a lot in the past 20 years from my 1-ness and eventually couldn’t take it anymore; I’ve been going to therapy for a few months now and I’ve been doing my own research at the side to help better understand myself. This video was so insightful and I can’t thank you enough!
You are describing the 1s so well that seems incredible you are not one! Thank you for your videos, they are very instructive and helpful.
The 7s “why are we not on jet skis right now?” made me laugh so much! My best friend is a 7 and that’s very accurate.
Realizing that others don't feel pressure/responsibility and guilt/shame as much as I do is what made me realize I'm a 1. I thought sure I relate to a Type 1 but not more than anyone else! But apparently not everyone feels such responsibility and guilt, and just realizing that has helped me understand a lot about the world.
I find myself not so much detail oriented or perfectionist but I am really good at seeing what battles are worth fighting and when to just let things go--better than others. I also feel like I'm definitely SO since I focus a lot on comparing to others and wanting to improve others.
Love the analogy of the pebble of criticism landing like a boulder. I have had talks with my partner about how if I mess something up he really doesn't need to berate me for it, even pointing it out feels like too much, because I'm usually already going crazy in my head.
if you feel guilt an shame - you could AS WELL be a 4. Even a self-preserving one!! Being a one in general goes along w/ a very sharp energy. It's the energy, do always do thinks methodically, structured and efficient! And moreover, not living so much on an empathic or feeling side (which makes humans softer to others and for themselves ;-))
I'm a 4w5 and my husband is the quintessential one. I laughed out loud at several parts during the video because it described him spot on. Thankfully he and I are best friends, but it's taken work! There is always room for improvement in relationships, so thank you for this awesome video. Love your channel. :)
I'm a 1 and my husband is a 1w9. 🤣🤣🤣 imagine how much I laughed 😅
@@KendraMorgan oh man I bet. 😂
This was very good. I'm a 1 and it was right on. Especially the pebble of truth feeling like a Boulder
Yo Dr Tom! Thanks for the Certificate program! was glad to be in it...I've got plans...and appreciate all your insights!!
52:22 You are SPOT on with this. Even before I knew I was a 1, I noticed it was such a relief when people would make light of my little angry grumbles.
As a one , the need to improve -- from my perspective is evolution. I am thankful for this video. My father was a one, and always impressed upon me when I was very young -- there is always room for improvement. I am in the process of becoming more aware of these aspects of myself, and letting go of programming, and allowing my own authentic nature to emerge.
The grump fest is hilarious 😂 so true. I can easily get out of it if someone makes light of the situation.
such a great video.. one occasion you really hit the spot was when you read a note that said Ones had trouble showing they are vulnerable. I wish you had elaborated on that.. To me it always feels nobody can really help me.. that i am more of an adult than almost everybody i know. I end up just throwing all my troubles in the dump truck and working on helping myself later. I wish I can find my own One..
My husband is a weird 1 because he is NOT the responsible one in our relationship. I am a 6 and I am the responsible one, the planner, the money manager, the manager of the calendar etc. He is very strong in his opinions, believes what he thinks is correct is the only correct way and we should all do it that way, when he doesn't see that we are all doing it his way he just retreats but then blows up later. He points out the flaw in logic ALL THE TIME. He is very much focused on reforming others rather than reforming himself. He holds people to ridiculously high standards but then doesn't hold himself to the same. So Beatrice Chestnut's book The Complete Enneagram was very helpful because we learned that my husband is the countertype one (The Sexual One) which then made type one fit so much more. He first identified as a 7 but I never experienced him that way and he really didn't identify with the positivity piece. So we explored the 4 and 1 and landed on Sexual One. What you said about raising kids really hit hard as he tends to be so focused on the rules and making a child that listens rather than showing love and building relationship.
I have a friend that is just like your husband, I heard a one say the only thing harder than being a one is being friends with a one.
“The 9 abyss”. That just made me laugh out loud. Ha!!!
It would be A LOT of work, but I would appreciate it if you would do a comparison for what each relationship would be like with tips. Like 1 in relationship with 2, 2 with 5, etc. I know A LOT of work, but it would be great of you did a series.
Great idea! I would love that. I've seen it done but it was terrible. Robot voice and no insight as to problems. I would like to see it done well.
I was watching this video because I wanted to learn more about my dad, who is a 1w9 social type. But I found almost all of your descriptions matched me more than what I see in him. I'm a 2w1. "A born manager" That one really hit home.
I'm really enjoying all of your videos, they are so helpful and informative! It's almost hard to believe how dead on the enneagram is.
My healthy 1w2 is an ESFJ, so he’s relatively adaptable. He’s Social/Self Preservation, so he can be mechanical at times though.
Btw, I think you will never be mistaken for a Dry Professor 5 bc of your Buddy 7w6 energy.
I'm the only adult lol. Found your channel yesterday and several times throughout watching the videos on the 1s I have had to just put my head down and shake it knowing what you're saying is so spot on. Wing 2 primarily for me. Now figuring out the hubby lol
Listening to this as a 1, my mom is a 1, and so much is making so much sense… thanks for the info. And thanks for making me cry 🥲😂
Listening to you is like looking me in the mirror! I am glad that i can laugh of my defects and be aware of them (in order to improve of course...i know that it’s sound very type 1) instead of just being stuck.
Wow Dr. LaHue this video was really amazing. I just recently gained exposure to this personality classification and your ability to dissect this type was chilling. I learned I’m a 1 just yesterday and this felt like a 1 on 1 conversation; by voicing so many aspects of my internal monologue it really demonstrates how easily you can fall into the “I’m always right” kind of attitude. Really awesome content, thank you for what you do!
@24:24 yes! I hear it. I am it! If I don’t do it, the wrong won’t be righted … and others may get hurt. The conviction that I must be in this at this exact time for a purpose and this moment is pivotal if not in my own life then for those who come after me. If I were to die tomorrow or next year, did I fulfill my purpose?
That’s how heavy my one-ness is for every decision
I liked the comment talk them off the ledge. I agree about needing to nurture children. Every child is special. We pick our battles.I am a 2 with a 1 wing. Great information. Thank you for sharing.
I’ve never feel more seen. Thank you for this video!!
I laughed and said Ouch waaaayyy too much during this video. MUCH appreciated!
I'm a 1 (no wing) married to a 1w9. We are constantly fighting about being appropiate and doing what's "correct" 🤣🤣🤣 our idea of fun, is a perfect planning of camping meals and executing out the meals at the "perfect" time.
"You should be also taking out the trash" a perfect example of what my husband and I do to each other 🤣🤣🤣
Wow I can only imagine how perfect things must be in your house.
I'd love more info on parenting as a 1!
My dad was a strict, bordering on cruel 1. Let’s just say, hypothetically, at one point my strongest ability may or may not have been being a pro with getting away with anything and everything through tried and tested methods of cunning and deception haha. I’ve straighten out a lot with age and self-reflection, but it’s interesting how that worked out. His focus was definitely not on the war, I think if it had been I would have turned out differently. No complaints, just interesting to think about it that way.
This video has helped me SO much. My mom is a pretty unhealthy one and it has caused me a life time of thinking there is something wrong with me. She visited me for the first time in 2 years (Covid related/lockdowns etc) recently and all she focused on was “planning the day”. As a type 9 sitting together, talking, sharing photos while enjoying our coffee was the day. What’s to plan? Aren’t we doing it?
Outstanding ....
1 w 9 making steady progress towards 7 ...
Not easy, but I am ...
I really truly appreciate how unapologetic you are about the way you do your videos. Im a 2w3 with a 4% difference between the 1 and 2. So SEEING someone fully be unapologetically perfect and free as they're working towards their goals without guilt is SOOOO freeing for me. Lol 😆
Thanks! it really helped me to understand more my 1 boyfriend. I got few good ideas about how to get along better with him, as I was struggling a bit about how to communicate. Although I did not want to criticise him, he took it as such....so, I got a very good example about how to do it.
I once tried to compliment a one that clearly took it as criticism. No matter what I said next, could not convince him otherwise. It got to the point, I was afraid to speak to him for fear he would take it the wrong way. That inner critic never shuts up and it can be hard to talk over them.
Anyone else a 1 and not really that tidy/clean? I’m a SP 1w2 and while I’m not a slob I feel like with cleaning my 9 wing comes out 😂 I sometimes feel like an imposter 1 because of this. I feel like I mainly focus on improving myself morally and also i do have strong tendencies for order like in budgeting and at work (I’m a nurse). I do notice ways others CAN improve themselves but I don’t vocalize it. I also always see things wrong with certain systems and governments but am very aware I don’t have the right answers 😂 I just can point out flaws like no other lol.
I am almost positive that my mother is a 1, especially after listening to this video. That was a question I had too. Her house has always been full and cluttered, yet she has a "right" and "wrong" way to do everything. I think part of that belief, that there is only 1 way of doing things, makes it harder for her to be neat and tidy because each chore takes so long for her. Her attic is organized with the boxes all labeled. She spends hours organizing the freezer. She works hard all the time and her work is never done- at least not "good enough". When we try to help her, she can't seem to leave us to do the job ourselves. She keeps coming back in and inspecting. 😅 I am in my 40's and I (a very typical 9) have to force myself to tell her: "Don't worry. I got this. I know how you want it done. Go do the other things you need done." We hired housecleaners for her, but she didn't think they did it right and said she didn't need them! It is so hard to know how to help her. I can imagine it might be hard for a 1 to have a clean house because they might have such a full life and no human being can possibly keep everything the way it should be. So, it would be logical, that one's home might be the place that doesn't get done. I imagine it might be very frustrating though.
As a 9, I feel like I can relax more in a house that isn't in perfect shape. It's hard to relax when I am afraid to mess something up by stepping on the rug, or sitting on the couch! But, I think my Mom's house really bothers her. I should go help her more... (It isn't bad. I mean, it doesn't stink, it isn't dirty, she is really a clean person, just cluttered..)
I'm a 1w9 and my 1ness comes out in other ways, not being overly clean and tidy (also not a slob). At first that idea that 1s are super clean mislead me to think I'm a different number but I'm definitely a 1.
My bf is a 1 and this helped me understand a lot better. Thanks!
Good stuff on parenting. To add, our concern about relaxing on correction is related to our desire that our kids turn out well/good. Hard to let that fear go as a 1.
As a 2w1, this is incredibly insightful :)
Hi, Tom! Thank you for this video. My husband is a 1, and I want to improve our relationship. God bless you.
As a 7, having a 1 spouse/partner constantly criticising me and implying that 'im not good enough' so that they can distract themselves from self-criticism sounds like a toxic dynamic to me. Not particularly great on my self-esteem.
*shudders* I know you 7's out there can relate.
I’m a 1W2 and I’ve never done that. Especially never consciously. I would think that is a pretty low level of health to do that intentionally. If you are experiencing that, Please don’t think your spouse is doing that on purpose ♥️
@@breezymountaineventsjourna4626 Apologies. I did not explain myself clearly. I do not have an enneagram 1 spouse. That being said, this is my perspective as a 7, why I would avoid 1's as spouses if that was the dynamic of the relationship, where I'm constantly criticized.
Sounds like utter Hell.
@@breezymountaineventsjourna4626 Thing is though is that it doesn’t matter if the spouse does it on purpose. All that matters is that the spouse does it.
My mom is a 1 and an ENFP, the quirky and eccentric energu is very high. Couple that with the core traits of a 3, makes her a handful to deal with, and pretty disorienting even for people who knows her well. She has almost no friends but she doesn'y care.
When you're a 1 and you decide to see that life as it is isn't particularly anyone's fault, that is a bitch of a day.
Spot on. I like the tennis ball analogy. My ISTJ 1w2 wife will always focus on the dirty spot at the floor and the bread crumbles at the table.
She feels like she’s the only responsible adult in the house.
I appreciate all the things she does and wish she would enjoy life a bit more.
I really recommend Richard Rohr for a deeper understanding of the type 1, or any type. Joy makes us feel vulnerable, because it feels like it could be taken away. We started out as pure joy types.
@@kittykatfancy that might explain the movement to 7!
47:25 - What can you do if you're relating to a 1?
Very helpful video. Thank you Tom!
I’m guilty a lot but I’ve never turned it on anyone else, I’m not critical to other people. But I do feel guilty a lot.
You're probably an sp1. They turn it ALL in on themselves.
47:24 this is so true. I needed to be aware of that.
Nice video! Can't wait for the other personalities (2 and 4 in particular, as that's my boyfriend and me 😊) thank you for sharing your knowledge with us lot! :)
(And 8, as i live with 2 of them 😂)
Totally me. Just wish my boyfriend (an 8) would watch this, but we all know he won't. Yes, I'm sure it's not a walk in the park to live with me or to be my son. And yes, it's exhausting.
Great video!! Right on point!
I thought my husband was a 1, but he doesn't try to improve our relationship. He has always been happy with how things are going. Everyone I know says I am obviously a 7, but I don't have an issue with gluttony. I've thought very critically about my sins and don't see it. I've also asked my family and they don't see it either. Maybe we all need to take another test?
I'm a 1. At least two possible explainations: 1. He may not want to improve everything, but does try improve things in other areas or in general.
2. He DOES want to improve the relationship but he feels there's so much to do/improve in life that things need to be prioritized and puts the relationship lower.
I know I relate to #2 that I want to improve EVERYTHING, but I can only do so much.
Look at motivation, not sin and I think he's talking more about one to one/sexual type ones. I'm a self preservation type, I accept others and my relationships exactly how they are, it's myself that I am constantly trying to change. Is your husband interested in always making himself better?
@@addyandbabypollyaddy6926 Yes, especially he works at making himself better physically.
For you, you need to check your subtype: self-preservation, sexual or social. Gluttony may be seen differently depending on the subtype. For example, gluttony in social subtypes may be expressed as a need to be constantly with people, a gluttony for company and socialising, while in other subtypes the gluttony may express differently. Hope this helps.
I think that may be a sexual one thing. I have never seen this is relationship with one. I have only ever been with an sp1. You may be so7. They want to be giving to others more than the other 7s.
This is my husband you're speaking of. How do I handle the situation when he's discharging his anger at our son (12 yo). I'm a 9w1 (sx/sp) so I tend to merge with this, and I regret that instantly.
@kassiopeia123 I have been struggling with this as well. It only occurred to me recently that the merging issue might be behind why I sometimes blow up at our kids (I'm a 9w1) when my (type 1) husband is frustrated at our children. Your comment makes me think that probably is what is going on with me.
My blow up is shocking to me, and feels absolutely horrible. I think I just want to diffuse the conflict in that moment because it feels so uncomfortable, but instead I end up adding to it! I have to remind myself that I don't have to have my husband's feelings in those situations. I have also found personally that what makes the hugest difference for me in preventing blow ups is making time to connect with God every day (I'm a Christian), so that I am not as prone to losing my own self in my husband's very clear and strong will (again, type 1!). Instead I feel more connected with God and grounded in who I am, seeing the whole picture instead of getting stuck in only my husband's perspective.
@@morganhenn As a 9w1 I have to remind myself daily that I'm an individual and that being physically/mentally "separate" from, and not merge with my loved-ones is okay and won't do me harm.
This super sucks... I'm a one that always thought I was a four because of trauma and as I heal, I become more aware of my one-ness... and now I've lost something really special because a 1 and 5 together is really hard.
I'm a 5 and one of the best relationships I ever had was with a 1, but you're right, it can be hard. If I knew then what I know now, about the enneagram and stuff, I think I could have made it work. I just didn't understand what he needed from me.
Powerful , I can relate to the 1 totally , it's a challenge to quiet the inner critic for sure .
I have a troubleshooter that is overactive , I'm learning to accept life as it is .
Is an enneagram 1 with severe ADHD possible, or is that just a 6?
ADHD is more a 7 thing. 1 in more associated with OCD.
Appreciate this as a 7 too
I agree that "the enneagram is painful". I did not however find any other system to be complex enough to understand ourselves and others the way the enneagram teaches. You are Tom my very favorite interpreter of this wisdom. Would you consider please to tackle the gap between the 5 and the 4? I did not find any interpretations on this lack of connections between 4 and 5. does this mean that they are doomed always to have a one "broken wing"? I am also trying to understand why being an 8w7 I have such a hard time to open my heart to those two numbers. Thank you.
Hey! I'm not Tom, but I am a 4 with a 5 wing. If you want to discuss this further with me, I'm open to talk.
I'm a 5 with a pretty strong 4 wing. So take these broken wings and learn to fly again. Learn to live so free. 🎶🎵
Can ones be self deceived in their assessment of the quality and quantity of the work they are actually accomplishing?
I feel like that's more generally a trait of 3's, but I could be wrong.
I don't know if self deceived is true but definitely just not as up to standards as he's saying. You can have a lazy or messy 1. They probably still complain about it but they still can be lazy or messy. Perfectionism can actually be a mental health issue where you look the complete opposite of a perfectionist
I agree with the other person that said that's more of a 3 thing. If anything, 1s tend to self-asses as doing less than they really do. The "accomplish" less in the same amount of time due to the need to do everything the "right" way and then criticize themselves for being less productive or being slower than others.
I'm now tempted with this to work harder to get better at balancing getting better. Uh oh!
Understand this!
What do you do when the gentle criticism is turned back on you as manipulation. Like GEEZ....
Hi Tom! Love you videos and I’m excited for this series. You and your wife had started one similar to this. Will you continue with that series as well? 😊
The series with my wife is "on hold," she hates being on camera... ha ha, introverts. :-)
So what do ones want in a partner in one word?? (like mentioned in other types 🙂)
9's Lots of 1s end up with 9's. The chill energy and affable nature is attractive. And 9's dig on the get things done and stay focused energy of a 1.
For me as a 1 it’s someone that wants to grow personally and also has the desire to help the world. My soon to be ex husband was an unhealthy 9 and Id have to be with a very healthy 9 to consider dating a 9. The lack of criticism from a 9 is nice, but I realize I’d rather have open communication (even if there is constructive criticism) than not know where someone really stands (again, if the 9 is unhealthy).
I work with a 1 and a 9 and I think they are both nice and healthy but they do not get along. Yes, ones want the passivity of the 9s but, 9s can be very stubborn and don't always do things your way. Ones can also be very critical of 9s because they can't abide by the laziness of the 9 when a 9 just wants to chill. 9s don't appreciate being criticized and are motivated to do things the easy way, not the "right" way.
What the one wants is a certain level of passivity but, they still want the other person to help them and do everything right (i.e., their way). They would be happier with a 6 who will follow them, or a 5 who are truly the most passive types and the least reactive to criticism. Ones also like a partner who can get them to be a little bad, but make it good. If you are the partner to a one, part of your job is to corrupt that goody-two-shoes. Fun is good, right? Make sure there are no real-life consequences, or you won't be trusted.
Hi!
I am 6 with boyfriend 1. Recently we had a crisis. We talked about the problems and apparently we solved it and we want to continue together and turn the page, however, he (1) is still very distant with me.
Sometimes I even notice him resentful and with drastic mood swings: sometimes very tender, sometimes distant.
I've questioned him about it, but he doesn't want to talk and just says we're okay.
Any advice? Perhaps your comments can bring light on the matter, because I am confused by his attitude.
Thanks!
@Norma Padilla - can you go to a good counselor? Go by yourself if he won’t go with you. It’s impossible to solve a couple’s’ problem with one talk. If your 1 won’t talk about his resentment toward you, you can’t make him fix it.
@@amish-landchateau thanks for your advice. Much appreciated and very true: impossible to solve a couple's problem with one talk. Blessings...
@@normapadilla8939 💛😘🤗
He needs to have a safe way to express his anger and frustrations. This is essential for the health of the relationship. Ones struggle with anger but anger is bad so they try to push it down and it's not healthy. If you can't handle it, go to a counselor to help you both. It can be hard for 6s, you want to please your person.
Omg my husband says that ALL THE DAMN TIME! Drives me so crazy smh... I've learned to leave him in that. I do my best to talk him down the ledge, but then I realized only Jesus can really get through to him fully. And I'm ok with that now. I'm tired...
Thank you Dr Tom, it is soooo interesting! I may have missed it, but what is the desired partner for a One ? (6: seeks Loyal Companion, 7: seeks Fellow Traveller, 8: seeks Sparring Partner,.1: seeks?)
I’d love to know this answer as well!
Hm, for myself as a 1 I’d say a fellow grower/learner. I’m curious what Dr Tom would say
Do you have a video to better determine if you’re a 1 or a 8? They’re very similar
My wife is an 8 and she’s far from a perfectionist, ones are very perfectionistic. Look at your motivation. 8s are motivated by strength and don’t want to show weakness or vulnerabilities unless the are really heathy.
It seems the links to your daughters' RUclips channels and Grace's website aren't working...
I'm a one wing nine. I'd like to share something and would love to get feedback from others. Why is it that when I work on being more flexible, less strict with my kids, less perfectionistic, and reducing my "have to's" I'm afraid that I'm going to "lose" my personality? Does anyone else feel this way?
1w9 here. When I deliberately focus on chilling out, whether at work or with family, I hear a nagging voice saying, "why are you letting go of your identity." After a lot of work I now tell myself to expect that voice at the same time as I choose to focus on chilling out. And I say to that voice before it comes, "Thanks for your concern, I love these people and I'm just going to do this for a little while. Everything's going to be fine." Pre-anticipating helps rewiring for me. Hope that helps.
As much as i hate to admit it, i think this is pretty spot on! I am a 1w2 ESTJ, and all i can say is that i can be a pain in the ass sometimes but all i ever really wanted was to have everything in order lol hence, the "perfectionist"😆 i feel like Dr. Tom just went through my head and exposed me haha
1w9 ENTJ here. Yup, everything needs order. Yup, I'm a pain in the ass most of the time 🤣.
Are you a self pres type? If so we would be twinsies!
I disagree that we try to get away from our own inner critic by focusing on others’ needs for improvement. Nope. They coexist.
You've done a great job of describing some of my inner thoughts. This has been super enlightening. However I've never felt like I criticise others to distract from my own faults. I do criticise - but for other reasons. Do other 1s agree?
How is it that you’re reading my day to day life, jjajajajaja
@33:00
Seeking improvement implies it’s not good enough.
The glue that holds families together
Everything is a lesson.
Right or wrong vs preferences
Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.
Maybe I should just let this go.
You nailed me!
not only that there's always a need of improvement, BUT!! this will automatically give the other person then sense of not being adequate, not being good enough (for what's good has not be improved). So it can, and especially w/ sx 1s, lead easily to feeling less and less worth for the person being constantly improved and not being loved for just as he or she IS (=unconditional love). This might lead to a real downward spiral. Not nice to be honest! I made this experience w/ an VERY! selfrighteous one. And it turned out to be a nightmare for myself. Already having had a mother in my childhood, for whom a was never!!! good enough just as I was!!!
If you are married to a 1 and they are being too critical, how do you get through to them and get them to forgive you?
37:50 to like 30 seconds after....wooooo!
If people can't negotiate with you, can I have a relationship with you?
I'm just a independent "bedfellow" now because I don't feel comfortable and feel stuck. It's a horrible feeling. I'm in this situation now (although I assumed he was an 8 but he may be a 1). I'm a 9w1 btw.
Good timing
1w2, yes everyone hates me (including myself) except all the homeless I bring home and feed, I even moved one in for 6 months 🤣. People like myself need our own planet!! All the rest of you are wonderful(!) just keep trying to keep the dishes done put away the clean laundry and put away the tools where they belong when you are done with them, you will get there! 🤣🤣🤣
Oh, and I would love to go have fun, just help me catch up on the chores first 😚.
true. everyone is broken. yet - why do we have to serve as an escape-route for the ones permanent self-critizism. Why do I have to give allowance to the overly critical one to use ME?? as an relief for its on shadowy sides?? Not d'accord w/ that! really NOT!
You don't have to do anything. No one is forced into relationship.
Hi:).. Apreciate this video.. Ima 1w9..when u say in the end "when we work earlier innthe yard it was bit scary how u act".. Thats f me like to say "iam afraid of u u madman not able to trust that u can control your emotions and actions"... Thats a very hard criticism f 1;)
Great video! A few comments:
I always hear how 1s criticize themselves hard. But I hardly do...I feel I'm very confident. Rather I criticize others because they don't meet my expectations.
Intentional friend - absolutely. I'm pretty much closed unless people offer "value" to my life.
Win the war, not the battle - yes currently working on this, especially at work haha
Too many things to do, less fun and the need for order - spot on. I have a long to do list, and I have trouble keeping up, which causes stress, so I hardly have "fun" downtime. And add the need for order in everything... yup exhausting as you said.
Yes I do want to fix and improve everything!! And wonder why others don't haha
Be more relatable - yup working on this.
Only adult and responsible one - spot on. I'm super responsible and my family notices and tells me.
Default seeing what's "wrong" - 100% which make me look at the negative first but I need to focus on the positive first.
Tennis ball analogy - Similarly, I notice when off color replacement light bulbs that don't match the others are used in public areas.
Anger due to not high expectations - 100% but as we know it's repressed with a lid, but definitely seeps out in the form of frustration.
Do you find that one's are usually istj's?
Also, your analogy with the tennis balls was so on point. While I value my attention to detail, I'm now curious why I feel the need to correct the 2%..
I am a one and an infj.
I’m a 1 and an ISFJ
ENFJ 1 here
I have heard it said most 1’s are likely xxxJ’s
Most ones are extraverts so ESTJ would be more common, but you could definitely be a istj type 1, probably an sp 1 with a 9 wing.
Sex with my Type 1 ex was not easy.
In what way? Lol I’m a 1 and very curious
@@VV-ik7sy Well don’t let me paint all type 1s with the same brush. She had her own unique set of issues that weren’t solely because of her type -as did I (consider, too, our unique relationship dynamic as a couple). Although I find a lot of truth in the enneagram, my one critique is that it is too quick to categorize our thinking and behaviour as “personality” without much room for other contexts that shape a person (biology, trauma, culture, etc).
1. She had a really hard time relaxing and being present. There were always a million competing things that needed her attention before sex was possible.
2.She was punishingly hard on herself about her appearance. She often felt she looked bad or wasn’t clean enough to have sex or that I was viewing her negatively (though I wasn’t!)
3. She would hold micro-grudges for eternity about things like putting the cutlery in the wrong slot. Those would put her out of any “mood” for ages despite my apologies. Worse was when she was embarrassed of her own grudges because she KNEW they were annoyingly petty, yet her reaction was viscerally out of her control. Therefore, she wouldn’t want to tell me what was wrong and that created SECRET grudges which hurt us both because I had no idea what was happening.
4. Generally, giving and receiving love from her was a delicate tip-toeing to meet her exact expectations and schedule, and even when conditions were ideal, she would imply that we had missed the mark in some way. Eventually, I began to feel that she wouldn’t be able to really tolerate being in an equal partnership and that, in order to stay together, I would inevitably have to amputate unreasonably large chunks of myself off to conform to her rigid mould of expectations.
But I didn’t say it was awful; I said it wasn’t EASY. We found that when she was sleepy and still in bed in the morning, she was often ready to go because the day and it’s imperfections hadn’t registered for her yet. If we went out with friends and had a few drinks, she would be tearing my clothes off later as we walked in the door at home. We made lists together of tasks so that there was a plan to complete them and she could then release them out of her mind for awhile.
We also found that sex was spontaneous when the longview of our relationship allowed it to be spontaneous. Meaning, we had to learn how we were hurting each other unintentionally so that when the cutlery was in the wrong slot, she had the ability to interpret it as human error and not as something done out of mindless neglect or blatant disrespect towards her. Spontaneous sex could occur way more frequently after years of working on trusting each other. Trust was the key to her relaxation. She was far too vulnerable and feeling too unsafe to fully trust me intimately and to allow for real desire-based sex before we built that base.
You have my attention
I don't know how familiar you are with MBTI, but your examples of things 1s get frustrated with are more aligned with more of an ISTJ rather than simply the Enneagram 1. I am an INFJ 1w2, and I don't give a fuck about things. I care about helping to improve people so they can reach their full potential. So someone not loading the dishwasher properly, not a concern of mine as long as the dishes get cleaned. LOL Do I notice a pillow on the floor that is out of place? Sure...I have eyeballs. But, is it going to irritate me to the point of needing to scold somebody over it and tell them what they should do? No, not unless there is something else going on. If I'm blowing up over things, there is a much bigger problem happening and has been going on for a while that has nothing to do with dishes or a pillow on the floor. I believe that is known as displacement of anger. It's a problem.
An ISTJ has Si hero and is very duty oriented (i.e. routines, chores, traditions) and detail oriented about things (sensory world), but an INFJ is more focused on the future (Ni hero, abstract world) and people feelings and morals (Fe parent). So what a 1 wants to improve, perfect, or reform can be quite different depending on the personality type that is filling the slot of the Enneagram type 1. Sorry if that is preachy, I just struggled relating to many of the things you mentioned that frustrates 1s. My guess is that you know a 1 that happens to also be an ISTJ, and thus, many of your examples are pulled from that person/people, but it leaves out all the other personality types that are also 1s that aren't quite so duty focused.
I also want to point out that nearly all of your examples of the 1 actually described my ISTJ 6w5 mother to a T with the exception of her not having anger as her triad. My mother is a 6 and not a 1 because she doesn't have anger, she is more risk averse and fearful and seeks her safety through the Church (safety in numbers/groups), but she is 100% about duty, and all the things you described about dishes needing to be done a specific way or not being able to relax until the trash is out or whatever, and not very good at showing her feelings...that isn't necessarily the Enneagram 1, that is the ISTJ with Enneagram 1. I have struggled my entire life to have a decent relationship with my mother. As I said earlier, I am an INFJ 1w2 and my love language is quality time and physical touch. My mother's love language is acts of service and words of acknowledgement. The very things you were describing as how the 1 will want you to show your love to them, but that isn't what I need. Yes, everyone wants to be appreciated, so I agree that saying thank you no matter how the other person responds is a great thing. However, only (shouldn't say only because there are always exceptions, but using it anyway) the ISTJ 1s will fall into what I'm assuming was your ISTJ, Enneagram 1, brother's behavior and his love language. You most likely wanted to go to Disneyland and explore with your brother and have quality time with him (most likely your love language), but he was more interested in taking care of responsibilities before goofing off and would get frustrated with you when you weren't being responsible. You probably want a closer relationship with your brother and wish he understood your love language and spent some quality time with you.
I took quite a bit of assumptions in my reply, so I'm sorry if I missed the mark. This is just what I saw from my perspective while listening to your video on relationships with 1s. Hope this helps. If not, then you can disregard.
@@saraschemmel from reading your write up it seems like you are a pretty evolved 1 and have done a lot of work. You certainly seem to have a high level of meta cognition. I believe a lot of these videos are focused on folks just learning about the Enneagram as a framework for future work. So, YMMV.
@@saraschemmel Most ones are T types but the F types can be a lot less critical to others, more empathic and gentle. I still think the core of the one is there and much of what he said remains valid. ESTJ/ISTJ are the more typical one types. I once dated an ISFJ type 1. Best boyfriend ever. He never criticized me but, in retrospect, I kind of wish he had. Maybe then I could have known what he wasn't happy about in the relationship and kept it going.
Intuitives don’t like housework and may accept a “slobbish” house!
It’s proven through Socionics :D
I'm an INTJ and I despise clutter and messiness. But then again, I'm a one.
My two highest scores are 6 and 1. They’re so close. So I looked into both. And after feeling so triggered from all this info bc it hits too hard I’ve come to the conclusion I kinda hate me lol. Like fuck how can anyone want to be with me?! I feel like the worst kind of person. So strange. I am 100% about honesty and loyalty. I hate being in black and white and wrong or right. I hope I can ease all this in my mind.
On point.
Being a 1 watching this to improve my relationships feels so meta
26:32 SO exhausted
Uh… believe me, ones also have the Rottweilers on the outside! They are perfect, and you are always a piece of sh@t. Ones…. Judgmental, always needing to “correct” you, even if THEY are the child and YOU are the parent. Ones and eights…. Prideful, self righteous, controlling, the harshest, most difficult judgmental relationships of all. Perfectionist, judgmental, unkind, mean, self righteous. Give me a four, or two or nine anyday!
Your examples are just unhealthy 1s. Healthy 1s appear more like 7s and so are busy (purposefully) having fun and (conscientiously) not being judgmental--so you may even know and like some 1s without realizing it! Any type in disintegration sucks.
I'd rather take on a partner who can call me out than one who insists everything is fine but actually isn't. The passive aggression and ghosting of unhealthy 9s is a particular hell too.
Do what suites you. Ones can be ONE-derful. 2s are the prideful ones and we're all judgy one way or another.