HOW TO STOP BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER!
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- Опубликовано: 9 июн 2020
- When we are more focused on making others happy, on being liked or on not upsetting anyone, we can truly harm ourselves mentally, physically and emotionally.
As part of this series in Mental Health Labs 1 focused on our childhoods and Attachment Styles, this video addresses one of the most common side effects of an Anxious Attachment Style.
People Pleasing: How it harms us, what the signs are and how to start healing and changing our lives!
www.drkimsage.com
licensed psychologist #29089
I’m realizing that “people pleasing” came from trying to please my distant non-affectionate mother and narcissistic abusive father so I could feel safe. If everyone else is ok, I’m ok which is definitely codependency where people pleasing is a hallmark sign of this.
One way to prevent violence.
Wow! That's right! I almost assisted this old woman with her garbage. Then I said to myself "Stop. Not only would she never do that for me,but THIS is how TROUBLE STARTS. I get involved with people that really don't appreciate me, they use me instead. I kept going. I didn't help her.
Single mother of 4, full time practice and doing RUclips?! No idea how you do it but damn that's impressive.
In my home, my dad was a raging alcoholic. My mom was a very, VERY anxious narc. When she was mad she would slap us and yell at us. Subsequently, that is how I learned to react to problems. When I mirrored my mom and dad’s behavior, we got the belt. This started when I was five and my sister was three. I survived with my empathy intact. My sister has become a malignant narcissist. Breaks my heart.
I have apologized for everything my entire life. I will even apologize when people run into me. It drives my husband and friends nuts. I have tried to stop and now our young daughter says it all the time. I am a people pleaser, I have a hard time making decisions and I don't know how to set boundaries. I am in my 40s and so glad you have this channel, it really hits home, I am hoping I can change this pattern so my daughter can be confident woman who can set healthy boundaries and be more decisive, and this pattern can really end.
It’s not our fault. We live in a world culture of hierarchy where women are door mats and female infantcide is global.
FYI Bible says those “at the bottom” will be first in heaven ❤
Hi guys! Hope you enjoy this video - I know I talk a bit too fast in this one - lol - but it was either let it be or don't do it:). My "pleaser," wants it to be perfect...oh, how perfectionism and pleasing are BFF's:)!!! I am working on slowing down! xo
Don't worry. English is not my first language and I can follow your pace. I stop it sometimes, as I would stop reading, because I have found a sentence to chew on. Thanks 🙂
Well the first sentence really resonates with me, that is exactly what I am constantly trying to do, basically figuratively not to exist for not hurting anybody. Often I even have extreme thoughts about materially not existing. I just constantly feel that whatever I do or say, I will hurt somebody, even my own existence takes away food and privileges from other people. It's not necessarily that I want to be liked, it's that I don't want other people to get, even slighly, hurt (and it's impossible). I didn't realize that it is an extreme and very unhealthy form of people pleasing, I am currently so lost (no job, almost no relationships nearby) that I don't even know who I am anymore in fact. So thank you!
Every time I had an opinion growing up I was put down for it by parents, teachers and kids at school. My parents have not changed. I was a people pleaser partly because of that, and partly because I felt like telling somebody my opinion if it went against their opinion would hurt their feelings or anger them and I would feel too guilty to 'hurt' them. Also, I often doubted my own ability to be correct in most situations, and if it came to any kind of situation where people needed to conform I found myself unable to set rules and make people follow the rules..such as a job roster for the house mates etc. I found it easier to do everything myself but with the kids I also felt it was my 'job' to do the housework and take care of the kids. I don't understand how but I now am able to set standards and tell people off that won't follow reasonable house rules, family or not, and I can now say no when I don't want to do something, and I can tell somebody I disagree with their opinion if I disagree...but I also know that does not make them right or wrong, and am willing to compare notes in order to open my mind to new ideas and ways of thinking and I know that every person has a right to their own opinions. I don't really know when I changed my people pleasing.. I do know that turning 50 helped me since I believe I am mature enough now to realize I don't have to doubt myself, and I have had to practice saying no to people I do not want to engage with in some way. I basically got sick of being shut down, put down and not counted as having valid ideas. I don't cry as much these days and am very satisfied with who I am and know I am not stupid. I love learning and know we all have the ability to learn and achieve. Thank you Dr. Kim for your excellent videos that help us learn and grow
Your content hits home. One of the firsts things I say is, “how can I help?” All I expect in return is a little gratitude and a thanks. Instead, the more I help, the worse it gets.
Pause - get in my own space and reflect what would I do if it didn’t matter. Pay attn to the dings of my body. Become aware of the nonverbal queues my brain is mismatching so I can identify when I’m being in authentic. What am I trying to heal by people pleasing?
What would a loving parent say to me as advice. Cultivate my own internal parent. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼❤️
I think most of us people pleasers have had conflict at home... i felt i had to keep my parents happy growing up, or else there was horrible moments and i didn't like that....they would get angry first, then its silence and putting the guilt trip on me which i found to be so unfair, so i felt i had to people please... i dont do it so much now, i have learnt through many many experiences, to say no and keep my distance if necessary...its not easy but we need to stop pleasing others and look after ourselves more...when i would meet up with friends, they always talked non stopped about themselves, expected me to listen to their stuff, forgetting all about me and my life... i don't meet up with these types so much now.. its very draining and exhausting...do things that make you happy... we need to stop people pleasing
So thankful to have found your channel Dr Sage!
A whopping Yes to all the No’s I missed saying in my people pleasing days and anguished nights! I so understand the benefits of your tutorial her Dr Kim and shared with my eldest daughter who needs this advise to , so thank you so much.😊
Dr Kim, I am so grateful to have found you. You're teaching me so much about myself, and truly helping me during this difficult time. I only just recently realised the depth and damage of my childhood and was doing the work to move through it. Next minute, my mother became seriously ill and I moved her from interstate to live with my family. Needless to say, I have to work even harder at all of this because she triggers me constantly and I STILL fawn and tie myself in anxious knots trying to please her. Listening to you daily, while I hide out in my bedroom like a teenager, gives me a lot of strength.
🙏
💕Please💕 feel free to share what you do to help check yourself when you're too focused on pleasing others and trying to avoid being "unliked"😍👍❤️
I’m a People Pleaser Dr. Sage.
Thank you so much for this video, I wish I would have found it earlier!
(my 2 words of advice)-
I had GREAT parents( still do, they met in 6th grade, married 55 yrs). BUT,I'm an only child..I don't know how or when I became an empath, or,too nice- but no one knew I was an only child( which was a GOOD thing in the 70s ,I was NOT VERUCA;) ) . I became an ICU RN,Pta mom, team mom, backstage mom, Girl scout cookie pimp, organized the baby showers & retirements etc at work,& was the neighbor that brought the new next door weirdos an apple pie on 4th July ..
At 54, jobless, ill, injured, depressed, HAVE a bipolar unreliable, unpredictable husbandof 24 yrs ( NOT THE MAN I MARRIED) ,& I need HELP. I'm kicking myself.. cuz.. .ALL those ppl I helped at 3am, did for, etc..are invisible. SO remember- do what you do, but not for reciprication( I didnt need to be liked, or expect anything in return..Honestly) it was just me.I don't like everyone, but I try to be kind to everyone.. and thats all I'd expect From people... and in today's world..ppl don't KNOW what kind is, AND,they don't realize that LIFE HAPPENS&.
So don't think you're having a baby- ur having a human they grow up. Dont think ur home won't get washed away by a hurricane or tornado, or you won't get sick..
It happens... ppl change, life changes, put yourself in front of the line..
.
" NOBODY CARES," ..
Oh my gosh you are describing me!! I never felt the need to “run and hide “ and “checkout “ so much in my life than these past few years and I hate it.. 🙈 thank you for this video
Thank you so much for this! 😁
Really helpful Dr Sage. Thankfully I have a really good friend who I often refer to when I'm thinking of the right thing to do. I have learnt so much from her whilst healing from my childhood. Thank you.
Very informative! Thank you. Love these solutions on how to change for the better. 😊🙏
Thank you so much!🙏🏻🙏🏻
Thank you so much for this video! ☺️
You are doing great! No need to apologize my dear!
This video stepped on my toes BIG time but was much needed 💯 Thank you for your content, Dr. Kim. It has been very helpful on top of the individual therapy I'm in.
You are amazing!! Thank you so much!! Words of wisdom
I need to prepare for proper Healing 😩
Doctor do counsel people who are struggling with people pleasing issue
So how can you find yourself
The Narcissist is Malignant in her pass maneuvers..
What about the golden rule, treat others as you would like to be treated? Is that a BS rule? Ive lived by it and has made me a people pleaser
What you call people pleasing is mostly about Being like Jesus, comes out of a Relationship with Jesus
I've been Ereased so to not complete my
Destiny, 😈 🦹♂️ Plot.. against Believers..