I'm really glad that you shared this video! My son has Aspergers and there are days that I can't connect with him and it makes me feel horrible. I have been looking up videos on "how it feels to have aspergers" because I want to understand how I can make our relationship better. The other day our cat died, which my son loved to death, and he had the same reaction when I told him but I didn't think anything of it. There is no "normal" when it comes to grieving anyways so don't feel bad. I am sorry about your mom and I actually envy that your emotions don't completely take over....anyways thank you for sharing, it has helped me understand how my son feels.
I have the Most clear feeling your Mom is So Incredibly proud of the person you are and the way you've been brave without her. You're self sufficient and super helpful to others. AND! Your Face everyone loves to see has traces of her face. Blessings To You.
Your ok dude, its natural to over analyze your own emotions sometimes. Especially when you lose someone who means a lot to you. Your attitude towards death is actually healthier than most peoples. Cheer up and keep doing what you feel is the right things for you to do. Your Ma would approve.
Thanks for this. I'm going through a similar situation right now. My Mum left for another existence last week and the funeral is not until next Monday. It's and odd time in an emotional limbo but that is a feeling I'm more used to than I ever expected. I feel broken in ways I can't explain to most people around me yet would appear to them to only be thinking of myself. It's very difficult to express but thank you for posting this so others can find something to relate to. All the best. David.
I love u bro lol, ur strong and able to tell ur feelings with great understanding. I'm a aspie. I have respect for u because I can't be able to show tho so emotions so strongly like u. Who knows u might not be aspie lol because it seems u can express yourself so maturely. Yes this is all a complement and a heart felt one. U must have more friends then me because ur able to do that. Pour ur heart out is a ability I struggle at, so most think I'm evil.
Thank you so much for sharing this because I felt very similar when my dad died in March 1999. I'm from the States, and it didn't occur to me that he was really gone until a month later when I was standing in the rain one night out side a Scottish pub in Tobermory. Now my mother is ill, and I find myself not having any feelings about it. I'm kind of like, well, she brought it on herself--decades of living the wrong way. I know it's not how I should feel, but it's how I do feel.
I'm not self-diagnosed, but I suspect myself an Aspie (could yet be wrong). Had the possibility suggested to me by a psychologist years ago...anyway, seeing it through your eyes, and the eyes of others with Asperger's, I really connect with it. In answer to your directive: I DO relate. I take no other issue with your video, mind; I'm just happening across this Asperger's phenomenon, and realizing that I resemble it to an almost frightening degree. You've given me something to ponder. Thank you!
Thanks for this, I believe your brother was right! I haven't experienced a whole lot of death in my family yet, but last year my grandma died. I wasn't close to her, but the whole family was a weepy mess and me...I was indifferent. I couldn't hide that fact either, and it really rubbed them the wrong way. They kept telling me to at least ACT like it for mom's sake, but I couldn't fathom how to. I think about the death of family a lot mostly wondering how Ill react if someone I'm closer to dies
ive seen a few of your videos in an effort to understand my daughter....what im finding out more and more as i continue to watch your videos is that i can identify with allot of the subjects that you touch up on. with that said i recognize the fact that speech is quite a challenge (i dont mean anything ill by it and if i offend i apologize) nonetheless i find soo much sincerity in the way you show express ideas and i admire you for it you are definitely helping this family out :) we thank you.
I found out I had Asperger's a few months ago. My mom didn't really want to explain it to me, because I'd already been diagnosed with ADD when I was a kid, and thought it might make me feel bad, because on really bad days I'd wish I could be normal like other kids. I finally looked it up myself, read the description and thought "So, this is part of why I act like I do, there's nothing wrong with me." I just felt relieved to know other people went through this stuff too and I wasn't alone.
Everything you just said makes perfect sense to me, the non-aspie. I have yet to lose someone close to me, but I try to imagine what'll happen when I do, as it's a matter of time, and I think I'd react just like you. My grandfather did die a few years ago, and I WAS close to him when I was little, but we grew apart very early on. At his funeral, no one eally showed that much grief. A few of them teared up while singing hymns, but that's probably just because they were forced to sing hymns...
When my grandma died, I thought "Well, she was very old and wasn't herself anymore. She needed to finally rest." At the funeral I just felt a slight melancholy because I had seen her quite alive the last time, then lost contact because she lived far away. But then my dad cried heavily. I had never seen my dad cry. That was very overwhelming and I had to cry too. So much for "Aspies don't have empathy". But this was honest grief. I resent grief over silly losses though, as any Aspie would.
The tears that come when death occurs are always for yourself. Feeling sorry in death ties back into your worldview. You cry for the past and the future in which they, the dead, are not a part of. At least that was my experience.
Thank you for sharing this video. I have a new friend who I suspect is an Aspie (love the shortened term) and haven't liked to ask him in case a) he isn't b) doesn't want me to know or c) doesn't realise himself. I'm just trying to understand more about it so I can relate to him better if he is or to any Aspies I meet on my journey. You are very open on your videos and they are very touching. Thanks again. x
Yes, I can definitely relate to this. There have been several deaths in my family this last year, including my dad (I don't hate mine), and I was surprised at my own stoicism through them all. I think that maybe part of it is that with Asperger's, if you don't spend *every* day with someone, it doesn't have as much impact on you when they pass away. It's just weirder during holidays and such. IDK.
That's kinda how i feel about death, i'm sad that i'll never get to see them smile or talk again. I find it pointless to cry for hours over it, instead i realize that most of the time a dying persons requests are to be remembered, as almost a way to be immortalized. So to this day i keep 2 wristbands on my wrist from her funeral that read "Remember". Everyday i see these wristbands and think of my grandmother. That is what i would want somebody to do for me instead of grieving.
All my grandparents died over the past 2 years, and while everyone around me was showing outward grief the only thing I could feel was some kind of silent acceptance, and after some time regret , that I might not have gotten to know them enough while they were still alive.
I think I know what you mean. I've had similar experiences at funerals for family and friends. I *do* get grief and loss but I don't always cry, and there isn't the wailing that everyone else (V. emotional family) seems to get. To me, I just accept the new information, I feel sorry, but I don't feel the need to express it to the world. It's like getting birthday presents, I feel I upset people by not jumping for joy, even though I truly like the gift. My emotions have no expressions, I think...
When my aunt committed suicide a few years back, I went to the funeral... Standing around among dozens of sobbing family members, I think I had the only dry eyes in the house... I was sad, certainly. I loved her dearly. But grief at death is, at best, grief at wasted potential, and I think more often grief at your own loss. I would never deny someone the comfort of mourning - but I don't have the same reaction. I'm certain the Asperger's has something to do with this.
For some reason I found your manner of speaking entertaining, it seems like my kind of humor at times? Although I can't tell when/if you're trying to be funny or whatnot. I thought I had Aspergers a while but it was mild and seemed to sort of go away with age... I don't really know. Great vids.
As well. I thought that there was something severely wrong with me because of my lack of emotion over some things and breaking into pieces over nothing at other things. I thought I was the only one who did that and it is very relieving to know that there just might be a cause to my madness, It has been a very confusing ride for me and I know exactly how you feel. Thank you very much for posting this.
It was a lovely funeral, though, despite the hymns. It was in a small, wooden chapel. Just the closest family (I think eight of us) and the priest. The coffin was almost completely covered in fir branches, which made the whole room smell like home... That's how I'd want mine to be, too. Like you said, funerals are usually the one time when you're forced to face the reality that you'll never see the person again, and you usually regret a bunch of stuff there... But closure is a good thing.
When my father died (I was a teenager at the time and had no idea why I was "strange"), I let out a single sob. Someone else told me it came from me though, I didn't feel anything, I just heard it and thought it came from someone else in the room. A few weeks later, I cried. Howling sobs that shook the whole shower block. Again, I didn't feel it but my body acted on it's own. All I ever felt was guilt at not being sad but I suppose my body was sad for me. Or something. It was odd...
Just because someone doesn't feel emotion the same way most people supposedly do doesn't mean that person does not have emotions. You can still feel grief and not once ever cry.
Great video. I recently found out that I'm an Aspie, and I like your videos because it seems like there are very few people to whom I can relate. My dad died of cancer in June of this year, and this sounds a lot like what I went through when he died. I felt like I was mourning incorrectly or something. So, I know exactly what you mean.
When someone dies What I am expected to do: Cry (because the person is dead, no other reason) Be sad (because the person is not alive) Be sentimental (so you can "relive" the moments, which helps revive the person in your head so you'll think later in life that the person was a valuable individual in your life in whichever manner, and so you can gah at how beautiful the person looked) What I actually do: Cry (when I was little: because I didn't understand why the person is not alive, now: because there was something else I wanted to do with that person before that person died) Act sympathetic (because my intention is not to be egotistical) Be sentimental (so I can "relive" the moments, which helps revive the person in my head so you'll think later in life that the person was a valuable individual in my life in whichever manner, and so I can gah at how beautiful the person looked) Understand that the person finished his or her course on Earth and that he or she couldn't stay here forever, so it was time for him or her to leave (unless of course, the person was young enough to still have more time left to do something useful (to him/herself or to others) with his or her life)
Thank you for sharing your experience. I don't think I have Aspergers but your feelings are like mine. It took a while for it to sink in when my Mum died. The feelings I had were quite selfish really. I felt badly for my own loss. I was relieved she was no longer in pain but I was very aware of what I had lost and also that there were no more chances to make amends for regrets.
At each of my grandparents funerals I had the same "feeling": somehow aware of a kind of sadness within me... But my feelings don't seem to require or elicit expression. They are there. I can see them. But no one else does. Oddly, it's the more trivial feelings that I'm morely likely to express (eg: reacting to a sad or funny movie)
Honestly, being an Aspie, I have emotions surrounding death, but I became practically obssessed with it, and obssessed with cerain media stories. I'd cry every time I thought it.
Sadly its become dangerous to be labeled as "mentally disabled" even when it is an inappropriate label. Perhaps not so in Sweden, but the states are none too gradually becoming irrationally fearful of anyone different than "normal" on a very broad spectrum. Thank you for this video though, and all of your videos regarding life as an aspie. Keep doing what you're doing.
First of all, I am not sure if I am an Aspie or not, because I have never been diagnosed so (but I have also never tried to get a diagnose, so...), but I really think that I have Asperger's Syndrom. When my grandmother died half a year ago, I did not shed one single tear, while everyone else was crying. I simply cannot understand what people find so sad about death. Death is a common thing in nature, everything that lives dies. Simply ask yourself a few questions: Why do living beings get children? What is the meaning of getting children? Why don't we all stop getting children? Mankind would disappear within the next 150 years, but why is this something bad, we will be anyway dead at that time? The point is: We do not want mankind to disappear, it would be one the most terrible thoughts you can imagine. But why? Does it matter, when we are dead at that time anyway? No. So maybe we are not really dead in the far futur? Maybe our children are the prolonging of our life and thus of ourselves? When we die, our children still live. Having children is immortality, real immortality, not the one in paradise we are told in church. Through procreating we are immortal. My grandmother died, but I was not sad, because I knew that she did not really die, she lives on, because I am still living, I am her, I am my ancestors and my future children. Death is not sad and also not the end of life, it is just a changing of bodies. Like when you have a book that is so old that it is very difficult to read and you write its contents into another newer book and burn the old book. The book is not dead, only the old body of the book.
I have gone to a couple of psychiatrists over the past four years and am currently being treated for bipolar, I am certain that I have OCD, ADD and I also suffer from extreme anxiety/depression. I have always been awkward in social settings and have never really been able to make friends easily and have always preferred to be by my self lost in one of my hobbies being totally oblivious to the world around me. I ran across aspergers just this week while searching for answers to my problems. cont.
My Nonna (Who I was really close to) died of a stroke, the funeral was the day after my 10th birthday, so on my birthday I had to go to the funeral parlour to she her one last time before she was buried (I didn't dare look at her dead body) I understood she was gone to a better place she was out of that pain at least, I hated those hospitals they kept her in. During the funeral I didn't cry at all I just accept it she was dead and then a few weeks later it hit me, she was gone and she was never coming back and I was just really depressed for a long time, like in my eyes she was the only person who would live forever and then she was gone.
i know others take it as rude (or they do when i say it anyway)... but i'm actually glad you said your mother could be a bitch. both of my parents are still around but i've had other family that has passed and instantly the moment somebody dies it's like they become a saint. all the bad things they did get thrown out the window and the abusive guy that was in jail for drugs and mugging people becomes "such a great guy who never hurt anybody and had a heart of gold" at their death. i like to keep 1 item from each person i cared about that passed away... sadly most of those items have been lost from 2 bad moves and that loses a lot of my memories as well. but i also will do the same thing as you do with your mothers voice. their ideas are still there and (my grandmother for example, passed over 10 years ago) her voice still echos in my head almost every time i speak to my father. she would always keep him in check and smack him anytime he was doing something stupid so now and then when he's doing something that i know she would backhand him over it will make me laugh just the same as if she was standing right there ready to smack him
I can really relate to this. I care when people die, I just don't know how to show it. I did cry at my grandmothers funeral though, that was an emotionally intense experience because the stupid priest did things in the "wrong" order. Also, I too can't stand my father either. On several occasions I wanted him to just drop dead, but as long as he doesn't try to contact me he can do whatever he likes. But the bottom line is, I can relate. Not diagnosed aspie though, but who knows. Maybe I am one.
as i was saying. what defines us as aspies and now just autistics is our lack of ability to COMMUNICATE in the same ways that an NT does under the same circumstances (innapropriate expression) and lack of ability to INSTINCTIVELY socialize and pick up cues and nuance. so we feel the same in most cases we just don't show it in the same ways as others basicaly and thus the confusion.
I found the aspie quiz and scored 174/200 and 46/200 NT, and 45 on the other test and although I know that they aren't diagnostic tools, I am beginning to suspect very strongly that I may in fact have aspergers, especially after watching your videos because I can relate to most of what you are saying. I especially can relate to your mother dying because my father just died on the 24th of Jan and the same thing happened to me, not just with him though, it's happened several times in the past....
I don't agree, Cancer is inside the body and is difficult to determine if that is something you have. Aspergers is something that can be noticed without cutting yourself open. I am self diagnosed and have been trying to get a diagnosis. I have always felt different, but didn't really know why I was different. Always had problems with people. I read about autism spectrum disorders and aspergers and it just explained me so well. So I don't think Self Diagnosing is dumb.
I sort of feel the same to death as you. although i havent really experienced anybody dying (yet), when i see things on the news i just feel completely unsympathetic. I often wonder how i would feel if somebody i knew died.
your hatred towards your dad is similar to my hatred to my mom. (im NOT looking for a flame war) becoming a brony has moved a TON of that stress and hatred. (im not diagnosed as an aspie, but im going to tell my parents today i think i am one. wish me luck.)
Thank you for this video. I just learned my grandpa has leukemia and I just said "ok". I know it's not appropriate but I also know there are treatments and and I didn't get it why my dad was crying like he was dead already... thanks.
Man, you should have just said something like, "Aspies have difficulty showing emotions..." or something like that. That's how I feel. "...or letting people into their thoughts and emotions..." or something. But, thank you for making these videos.
Please help me understand my (undiagnosed) AS brother (42). He married a really weird woman who hated me on sight, but we eventually all got along ok. That is until my mother died. My brother got angry for me taking out old food/pots/pans/clothes of my mums house. He told me to talk to him only through a lawyer. I later find out (because my mum died with my husband and I present) that he thought we killed my mother (a nurse told me he suggested she had been poisoned by us). Any explanation?
Hi i am really shy and am told i am socially akward. I always have to think about what to say. I'm confused about if i have asbergers or if i am just shy? How would i know which one i am?
While I agree that it's not the best thing, to be self diagnosed, I can't be diagnosed (or not) professionally because I have selective mutism that, in general, makes it so I can't talk about this and I can't get a diagnosis. If I could, I would. But it's not the best idea to say it's dumb when you don't know the person's circumstances. I do like your videos though, so thanks for them.
I really realize that someone died long afterward. Years later. Anyway, everybody have to die. It will be the greatest change in life...And for people that love routines that's a quite full of anxiety thing. To die is something natural like to born.
Apparently my gestures are perfectly normal when I'm not "overanalysing".. more evidence that I just need to suppress part of my brain then I will be normal.
thank you for sharing, it helps me a lot. I just have one question for everyone, is it fine/acceptable if Im just copying my reactions from tv shows and movies I watch?
Cros Rivera not sure if you've had a response somewhere else for this.. but in my case, that is basically what i do. i just observe people around me and react similar to how they did in that situation (trying to filter out any "bad" reactions i seen. so.. i know when somebody dies you should say something like "omg i'm so sorry, are you ok? was it unexpected? atleast they're not in pain anymore" and similar... but what i'm actually thinking is "everybody dies, why are you upset?" (even if it's a close relative of theirs) or if the person is very religious then something like "shouldn't you be happy? they're going to heaven" (i'm not religious myself) not that i'm not upset when somebody i know dies. it hasn't happened in a while but the last close person was my grandfather when i was about 13... everybody was mad because i didn't cry at the funeral and overall i just seemed bored to people. and i was bored.... for me, i was already over it. he had cancer for a long time, i knew he was going to die months before he actually did... so by the time it happened it was more of a "atleast he's not in pain anymore" and that's about it. sure i missed him.. i grew up with my parents and grandparents in the same house so i seen him every day of my life and he taught me to play chess and we went to the beach and such.. but it wasn't something to cry over. eventually i burst out crying some time later because i moved into his bedroom (as i said.. same house..) and i ended up breaking an ashtray of his. i dont smoke.. didn't then, dont today.. but i attach memories to objects. so breaking that object was like telling me i'm going to forget everything about him. i have a bad memory anyway but in that particular case (not most others) i still remember a good amount about him and i remember the ashtray quite well. i always want to find one on ebay just to have it but i know it's not the same one (his had chips already) and i'm a bit concerned if i get a new one now that i'll forget the old one and start forgetting everything from there. i can only speculate that "normal" people are so upset about death because they're concerned they'll forget the person who died
@InjuredMinds oh, you won't be familiar with the subject matter or all the language, but you'd see what I mean nonetheless. A person being logical and reasonable and being brave and independent, and religious. I suppose he doesn't discuss his premises but that isn't the point of that video
Do you ever think you're being selfish? I don't know if you can speak at length like this all of the time. I cannot put my words into ways many can understand. It prolly sounds like im being mean to you. I hate myself sometimes for feeling like my only concern is me. But I don't know what they're thinking. I know what they see, but how can I tell them? Thet don't know what I see. I can't explain. But thanks for sharing your point of view.
@InjuredMinds He calls us his sheep because he is like the shepherd to us. In Bible times, shepherds cared about their sheep as if they were their own children. So it doesn't make any sense to say he doesn't care. There's no point in arguing this, and I don't want us to create further conflict, let's end this discussion. I'll respect your beliefs if you respect mine, k?
@InjuredMinds He is exactly not egoistich, but jelous. Also, the bible says that we are more important on a rock. He is equally good to good and bad, only on judgement day we will get seperated onto, very good persons (big crown), believing persons (little crown), and passive and non believing (ashes).
I don't wanna sound brutal, but if all aspies are all like that about not feeling sad or even crying at funerals, is that one of the reasons on why most aspies are atheists?
+Tsarevna Hilda Linus did cry at the funeral. It's more like he needed the funeral, to finally realise she were gone. I think they're atheists because aspies thinks more logical than neurotypical people, which probably helps pushing them in the right direction.
+Helge Stegemoen There is no "right direction". Atheism is a very extremist ideology that at the end of the day is no more valid than someone believing in God or an afterlife. There are plenty of smart, logical people who are religious. It has more to do with the fact that most modern societies are secular and as our civilizations become more modernized and hedonistic people become more secular. When life is easy and comfortable people don't need God. Or at least they think they don't ; )
I think lots of aspies are atheists because of the emphasis on logic, and in that sense most traditional religions don't really make a lot of sense at all.
@InjuredMinds For one thing, Christianity is not religion, it's a faith and belief that Jesus died for us and took the enormous burden of sin off our shoulders. But God is not aggressive. He loves us, and rather than threatening us with hell, he points us to Jesus so we won't have suffer. That's proof that he cares for us. The fact that we exist is also proof. If God hated us, why would he create us?
Eventually you'll realize it doesn't matter if your reactions are the same as other people's. Things like your mother dying and stuff (sorry to hear that by the way), is your personal business. You don't have to answer to people and keep trying to appear "normal" or everyone. Trust me when I say you're wasting your energy.
FACE! lol i often say that when people cry at funerals, they don't cry for the person who died, but they cry for themselves, for thier own loss. So often i don't cry at funerals. But afterwards when emotion become overwhelming, and considering how someone died, i cry because of my own regrets and because that person is finally no longer suffering and is free of this life! i think sometimes those memories that came back, can give personal growth.. nice vid! how long before sex? >;]
we're all different but the truth of it is that we on the spectrum don't EXPRESS our emotions in the same ways as NT's. that's pretty much it put simply :)
sounds like the hate you have for your father may be blocking the feeling of loss of your mom have you thought of therapy for that feeling of hate ? it can not be good for you and will eat you up eventually - i am not saying you should feel love for him but to unload that may help you appreciate your post
...vad det var de var så "oroliga" för. Jag kände aldrig något, och det kändes hemskt. Jag märkte ju hur dåligt min familj mådde, och då kände jag mig konstig, för varför kände inte jag något? Jag tyckte inte, och tycker inte nu heller, att det var en så stor grej, utan tyckte mer att alla överreagerade.
@InjuredMinds Well, there are some that are logical reasonable brave and independent and religious, check out omedyashar! watch?v=DwUTIs_9WXA and see the description in his channel.
@InjuredMinds I think that you can be logical and still believe in God. Newton and Pascal where believers and they were logical too. I think that God is not as we think is. We cannot figure Him but that doesn't mean He doesn't exist. Who created everything in your opinion? I think that a part of us continue to exist after death too and that the body is only the hard ware.
I'm with you i am the same way. but its weird that you think there is nothing after our body dies. the personality of "god" in the bible is made up by a bunch of old men, but if you read about near death experiences (or watch videos of people telling about them) there definitely is a "god". of course it is not a "he" and isn't an egocentric douche... but a lot of people that have died and been revived, come out of it feeling that this life is more of a dream and that death is like waking up.
I'm really glad that you shared this video! My son has Aspergers and there are days that I can't connect with him and it makes me feel horrible. I have been looking up videos on "how it feels to have aspergers" because I want to understand how I can make our relationship better. The other day our cat died, which my son loved to death, and he had the same reaction when I told him but I didn't think anything of it. There is no "normal" when it comes to grieving anyways so don't feel bad. I am sorry about your mom and I actually envy that your emotions don't completely take over....anyways thank you for sharing, it has helped me understand how my son feels.
You didn't go on too long. This was candid and from the heart I think. You loved your mom. Thank you for sharing.
I have the Most clear feeling your Mom is So Incredibly proud of the person you are and the way you've been brave without her. You're self sufficient and super helpful to others. AND! Your Face everyone loves to see has traces of her face. Blessings To You.
who pissed there self when he said "unlesss yur a necropfeeliac"
Your ok dude, its natural to over analyze your own emotions sometimes. Especially when you lose someone who means a lot to you. Your attitude towards death is actually healthier than most peoples. Cheer up and keep doing what you feel is the right things for you to do. Your Ma would approve.
Thanks for this. I'm going through a similar situation right now. My Mum left for another existence last week and the funeral is not until next Monday. It's and odd time in an emotional limbo but that is a feeling I'm more used to than I ever expected. I feel broken in ways I can't explain to most people around me yet would appear to them to only be thinking of myself. It's very difficult to express but thank you for posting this so others can find something to relate to.
All the best.
David.
I love u bro lol, ur strong and able to tell ur feelings with great understanding. I'm a aspie. I have respect for u because I can't be able to show tho so emotions so strongly like u. Who knows u might not be aspie lol because it seems u can express yourself so maturely. Yes this is all a complement and a heart felt one. U must have more friends then me because ur able to do that. Pour ur heart out is a ability I struggle at, so most think I'm evil.
Thank you so much for sharing this because I felt very similar when my dad died in March 1999. I'm from the States, and it didn't occur to me that he was really gone until a month later when I was standing in the rain one night out side a Scottish pub in Tobermory. Now my mother is ill, and I find myself not having any feelings about it. I'm kind of like, well, she brought it on herself--decades of living the wrong way. I know it's not how I should feel, but it's how I do feel.
I'm not self-diagnosed, but I suspect myself an Aspie (could yet be wrong). Had the possibility suggested to me by a psychologist years ago...anyway, seeing it through your eyes, and the eyes of others with Asperger's, I really connect with it. In answer to your directive: I DO relate. I take no other issue with your video, mind; I'm just happening across this Asperger's phenomenon, and realizing that I resemble it to an almost frightening degree. You've given me something to ponder. Thank you!
Thanks for this, I believe your brother was right! I haven't experienced a whole lot of death in my family yet, but last year my grandma died. I wasn't close to her, but the whole family was a weepy mess and me...I was indifferent. I couldn't hide that fact either, and it really rubbed them the wrong way. They kept telling me to at least ACT like it for mom's sake, but I couldn't fathom how to. I think about the death of family a lot mostly wondering how Ill react if someone I'm closer to dies
ive seen a few of your videos in an effort to understand my daughter....what im finding out more and more as i continue to watch your videos is that i can identify with allot of the subjects that you touch up on. with that said i recognize the fact that speech is quite a challenge (i dont mean anything ill by it and if i offend i apologize) nonetheless i find soo much sincerity in the way you show express ideas and i admire you for it you are definitely helping this family out :) we thank you.
I found out I had Asperger's a few months ago. My mom didn't really want to explain it to me, because I'd already been diagnosed with ADD when I was a kid, and thought it might make me feel bad, because on really bad days I'd wish I could be normal like other kids. I finally looked it up myself, read the description and thought "So, this is part of why I act like I do, there's nothing wrong with me." I just felt relieved to know other people went through this stuff too and I wasn't alone.
Everything you just said makes perfect sense to me, the non-aspie. I have yet to lose someone close to me, but I try to imagine what'll happen when I do, as it's a matter of time, and I think I'd react just like you. My grandfather did die a few years ago, and I WAS close to him when I was little, but we grew apart very early on. At his funeral, no one eally showed that much grief. A few of them teared up while singing hymns, but that's probably just because they were forced to sing hymns...
When my grandma died, I thought "Well, she was very old and wasn't herself anymore. She needed to finally rest." At the funeral I just felt a slight melancholy because I had seen her quite alive the last time, then lost contact because she lived far away. But then my dad cried heavily. I had never seen my dad cry. That was very overwhelming and I had to cry too. So much for "Aspies don't have empathy". But this was honest grief. I resent grief over silly losses though, as any Aspie would.
The tears that come when death occurs are always for yourself. Feeling sorry in death ties back into your worldview. You cry for the past and the future in which they, the dead, are not a part of. At least that was my experience.
Thank you for sharing this video. I have a new friend who I suspect is an Aspie (love the shortened term) and haven't liked to ask him in case a) he isn't b) doesn't want me to know or c) doesn't realise himself. I'm just trying to understand more about it so I can relate to him better if he is or to any Aspies I meet on my journey. You are very open on your videos and they are very touching. Thanks again. x
Yes, I can definitely relate to this. There have been several deaths in my family this last year, including my dad (I don't hate mine), and I was surprised at my own stoicism through them all. I think that maybe part of it is that with Asperger's, if you don't spend *every* day with someone, it doesn't have as much impact on you when they pass away. It's just weirder during holidays and such. IDK.
That's kinda how i feel about death, i'm sad that i'll never get to see them smile or talk again. I find it pointless to cry for hours over it, instead i realize that most of the time a dying persons requests are to be remembered, as almost a way to be immortalized. So to this day i keep 2 wristbands on my wrist from her funeral that read "Remember". Everyday i see these wristbands and think of my grandmother.
That is what i would want somebody to do for me instead of grieving.
All my grandparents died over the past 2 years, and while everyone around me was showing outward grief the only thing I could feel was some kind of silent acceptance, and after some time regret , that I might not have gotten to know them enough while they were still alive.
I think I know what you mean. I've had similar experiences at funerals for family and friends. I *do* get grief and loss but I don't always cry, and there isn't the wailing that everyone else (V. emotional family) seems to get. To me, I just accept the new information, I feel sorry, but I don't feel the need to express it to the world. It's like getting birthday presents, I feel I upset people by not jumping for joy, even though I truly like the gift. My emotions have no expressions, I think...
Grief is different for everybody, you feel or don't feel what you feel and it's not anything to be ashamed of.
When my aunt committed suicide a few years back, I went to the funeral... Standing around among dozens of sobbing family members, I think I had the only dry eyes in the house... I was sad, certainly. I loved her dearly. But grief at death is, at best, grief at wasted potential, and I think more often grief at your own loss. I would never deny someone the comfort of mourning - but I don't have the same reaction. I'm certain the Asperger's has something to do with this.
For some reason I found your manner of speaking entertaining, it seems like my kind of humor at times? Although I can't tell when/if you're trying to be funny or whatnot. I thought I had Aspergers a while but it was mild and seemed to sort of go away with age... I don't really know. Great vids.
As well. I thought that there was something severely wrong with me because of my lack of emotion over some things and breaking into pieces over nothing at other things. I thought I was the only one who did that and it is very relieving to know that there just might be a cause to my madness, It has been a very confusing ride for me and I know exactly how you feel. Thank you very much for posting this.
It was a lovely funeral, though, despite the hymns. It was in a small, wooden chapel. Just the closest family (I think eight of us) and the priest. The coffin was almost completely covered in fir branches, which made the whole room smell like home... That's how I'd want mine to be, too. Like you said, funerals are usually the one time when you're forced to face the reality that you'll never see the person again, and you usually regret a bunch of stuff there... But closure is a good thing.
When my father died (I was a teenager at the time and had no idea why I was "strange"), I let out a single sob. Someone else told me it came from me though, I didn't feel anything, I just heard it and thought it came from someone else in the room. A few weeks later, I cried. Howling sobs that shook the whole shower block. Again, I didn't feel it but my body acted on it's own. All I ever felt was guilt at not being sad but I suppose my body was sad for me. Or something. It was odd...
Just because someone doesn't feel emotion the same way most people supposedly do doesn't mean that person does not have emotions. You can still feel grief and not once ever cry.
Great video. I recently found out that I'm an Aspie, and I like your videos because it seems like there are very few people to whom I can relate. My dad died of cancer in June of this year, and this sounds a lot like what I went through when he died. I felt like I was mourning incorrectly or something. So, I know exactly what you mean.
When someone dies
What I am expected to do:
Cry (because the person is dead, no other reason)
Be sad (because the person is not alive)
Be sentimental (so you can "relive" the moments, which helps revive the person in your head so you'll think later in life that the person was a valuable individual in your life in whichever manner, and so you can gah at how beautiful the person looked)
What I actually do:
Cry (when I was little: because I didn't understand why the person is not alive, now: because there was something else I wanted to do with that person before that person died)
Act sympathetic (because my intention is not to be egotistical)
Be sentimental (so I can "relive" the moments, which helps revive the person in my head so you'll think later in life that the person was a valuable individual in my life in whichever manner, and so I can gah at how beautiful the person looked)
Understand that the person finished his or her course on Earth and that he or she couldn't stay here forever, so it was time for him or her to leave (unless of course, the person was young enough to still have more time left to do something useful (to him/herself or to others) with his or her life)
Thank you for sharing your experience. I don't think I have Aspergers but your feelings are like mine. It took a while for it to sink in when my Mum died. The feelings I had were quite selfish really. I felt badly for my own loss. I was relieved she was no longer in pain but I was very aware of what I had lost and also that there were no more chances to make amends for regrets.
I know exactly how you feel, it feels like you are trying to look at your own feelings and asking why
There is a movie called max and Mary that shows what someone with aspergers goes through
At each of my grandparents funerals I had the same "feeling": somehow aware of a kind of sadness within me... But my feelings don't seem to require or elicit expression. They are there. I can see them. But no one else does.
Oddly, it's the more trivial feelings that I'm morely likely to express (eg: reacting to a sad or funny movie)
Honestly, being an Aspie, I have emotions surrounding death, but I became practically obssessed with it, and obssessed with cerain media stories. I'd cry every time I thought it.
Sadly its become dangerous to be labeled as "mentally disabled" even when it is an inappropriate label. Perhaps not so in Sweden, but the states are none too gradually becoming irrationally fearful of anyone different than "normal" on a very broad spectrum. Thank you for this video though, and all of your videos regarding life as an aspie. Keep doing what you're doing.
You are an amazing guy. I love your videos. You help me understand myself a bit better.
First of all, I am not sure if I am an Aspie or not, because I have never been diagnosed so (but I have also never tried to get a diagnose, so...), but I really think that I have Asperger's Syndrom.
When my grandmother died half a year ago, I did not shed one single tear, while everyone else was crying. I simply cannot understand what people find so sad about death. Death is a common thing in nature, everything that lives dies. Simply ask yourself a few questions: Why do living beings get children? What is the meaning of getting children? Why don't we all stop getting children? Mankind would disappear within the next 150 years, but why is this something bad, we will be anyway dead at that time? The point is: We do not want mankind to disappear, it would be one the most terrible thoughts you can imagine. But why? Does it matter, when we are dead at that time anyway? No. So maybe we are not really dead in the far futur? Maybe our children are the prolonging of our life and thus of ourselves? When we die, our children still live. Having children is immortality, real immortality, not the one in paradise we are told in church. Through procreating we are immortal.
My grandmother died, but I was not sad, because I knew that she did not really die, she lives on, because I am still living, I am her, I am my ancestors and my future children. Death is not sad and also not the end of life, it is just a changing of bodies. Like when you have a book that is so old that it is very difficult to read and you write its contents into another newer book and burn the old book. The book is not dead, only the old body of the book.
I have gone to a couple of psychiatrists over the past four years and am currently being treated for bipolar, I am certain that I have OCD, ADD and I also suffer from extreme anxiety/depression. I have always been awkward in social settings and have never really been able to make friends easily and have always preferred to be by my self lost in one of my hobbies being totally oblivious to the world around me. I ran across aspergers just this week while searching for answers to my problems. cont.
My Nonna (Who I was really close to) died of a stroke, the funeral was the day after my 10th birthday, so on my birthday I had to go to the funeral parlour to she her one last time before she was buried (I didn't dare look at her dead body) I understood she was gone to a better place she was out of that pain at least, I hated those hospitals they kept her in. During the funeral I didn't cry at all I just accept it she was dead and then a few weeks later it hit me, she was gone and she was never coming back and I was just really depressed for a long time, like in my eyes she was the only person who would live forever and then she was gone.
i know others take it as rude (or they do when i say it anyway)... but i'm actually glad you said your mother could be a bitch. both of my parents are still around but i've had other family that has passed and instantly the moment somebody dies it's like they become a saint. all the bad things they did get thrown out the window and the abusive guy that was in jail for drugs and mugging people becomes "such a great guy who never hurt anybody and had a heart of gold" at their death.
i like to keep 1 item from each person i cared about that passed away... sadly most of those items have been lost from 2 bad moves and that loses a lot of my memories as well. but i also will do the same thing as you do with your mothers voice. their ideas are still there and (my grandmother for example, passed over 10 years ago) her voice still echos in my head almost every time i speak to my father. she would always keep him in check and smack him anytime he was doing something stupid so now and then when he's doing something that i know she would backhand him over it will make me laugh just the same as if she was standing right there ready to smack him
I can really relate to this. I care when people die, I just don't know how to show it. I did cry at my grandmothers funeral though, that was an emotionally intense experience because the stupid priest did things in the "wrong" order. Also, I too can't stand my father either. On several occasions I wanted him to just drop dead, but as long as he doesn't try to contact me he can do whatever he likes. But the bottom line is, I can relate. Not diagnosed aspie though, but who knows. Maybe I am one.
as i was saying. what defines us as aspies and now just autistics is our lack of ability to COMMUNICATE in the same ways that an NT does under the same circumstances (innapropriate expression) and lack of ability to INSTINCTIVELY socialize and pick up cues and nuance. so we feel the same in most cases we just don't show it in the same ways as others basicaly and thus the confusion.
You're wonderful.
I found the aspie quiz and scored 174/200 and 46/200 NT, and 45 on the other test and although I know that they aren't diagnostic tools, I am beginning to suspect very strongly that I may in fact have aspergers, especially after watching your videos because I can relate to most of what you are saying. I especially can relate to your mother dying because my father just died on the 24th of Jan and the same thing happened to me, not just with him though, it's happened several times in the past....
@InjuredMinds oo yeah its the second one actually, im a girl. =) Im so honored you responded.
I don't agree, Cancer is inside the body and is difficult to determine if that is something you have. Aspergers is something that can be noticed without cutting yourself open. I am self diagnosed and have been trying to get a diagnosis. I have always felt different, but didn't really know why I was different. Always had problems with people. I read about autism spectrum disorders and aspergers and it just explained me so well. So I don't think Self Diagnosing is dumb.
I sort of feel the same to death as you. although i havent really experienced anybody dying (yet), when i see things on the news i just feel completely unsympathetic. I often wonder how i would feel if somebody i knew died.
your hatred towards your dad is similar to my hatred to my mom.
(im NOT looking for a flame war) becoming a brony has moved a TON of that stress and hatred.
(im not diagnosed as an aspie, but im going to tell my parents today i think i am one. wish me luck.)
Thank you for this video. I just learned my grandpa has leukemia and I just said "ok". I know it's not appropriate but I also know there are treatments and and I didn't get it why my dad was crying like he was dead already... thanks.
Man, you should have just said something like, "Aspies have difficulty showing emotions..." or something like that. That's how I feel. "...or letting people into their thoughts and emotions..." or something. But, thank you for making these videos.
And keep up the good work (I would have said as much in the previous entry, but my rambling manner took up too many characters! [:P])!
Please help me understand my (undiagnosed) AS brother (42). He married a really weird woman who hated me on sight, but we eventually all got along ok. That is until my mother died. My brother got angry for me taking out old food/pots/pans/clothes of my mums house. He told me to talk to him only through a lawyer. I later find out (because my mum died with my husband and I present) that he thought we killed my mother (a nurse told me he suggested she had been poisoned by us). Any explanation?
I don't mean to be mean but that was really funny when you turned the msn off :D
Hi i am really shy and am told i am socially akward. I always have to think about what to say. I'm confused about if i have asbergers or if i am just shy? How would i know which one i am?
While I agree that it's not the best thing, to be self diagnosed, I can't be diagnosed (or not) professionally because I have selective mutism that, in general, makes it so I can't talk about this and I can't get a diagnosis.
If I could, I would. But it's not the best idea to say it's dumb when you don't know the person's circumstances.
I do like your videos though, so thanks for them.
I really realize that someone died long afterward. Years later. Anyway, everybody have to die. It will be the greatest change in life...And for people that love routines that's a quite full of anxiety thing. To die is something natural like to born.
Apparently my gestures are perfectly normal when I'm not "overanalysing".. more evidence that I just need to suppress part of my brain then I will be normal.
It'S call mind-blindness, the fact to not knowing what are your own feeling!
I find that what ever my feelings are, its nothing like what movies say they should be.
thank you for sharing, it helps me a lot. I just have one question for everyone, is it fine/acceptable if Im just copying my reactions from tv shows and movies I watch?
Cros Rivera not sure if you've had a response somewhere else for this.. but in my case, that is basically what i do. i just observe people around me and react similar to how they did in that situation (trying to filter out any "bad" reactions i seen. so.. i know when somebody dies you should say something like "omg i'm so sorry, are you ok? was it unexpected? atleast they're not in pain anymore" and similar... but what i'm actually thinking is "everybody dies, why are you upset?" (even if it's a close relative of theirs) or if the person is very religious then something like "shouldn't you be happy? they're going to heaven" (i'm not religious myself)
not that i'm not upset when somebody i know dies. it hasn't happened in a while but the last close person was my grandfather when i was about 13... everybody was mad because i didn't cry at the funeral and overall i just seemed bored to people. and i was bored.... for me, i was already over it. he had cancer for a long time, i knew he was going to die months before he actually did... so by the time it happened it was more of a "atleast he's not in pain anymore" and that's about it. sure i missed him.. i grew up with my parents and grandparents in the same house so i seen him every day of my life and he taught me to play chess and we went to the beach and such.. but it wasn't something to cry over. eventually i burst out crying some time later because i moved into his bedroom (as i said.. same house..) and i ended up breaking an ashtray of his. i dont smoke.. didn't then, dont today.. but i attach memories to objects. so breaking that object was like telling me i'm going to forget everything about him. i have a bad memory anyway but in that particular case (not most others) i still remember a good amount about him and i remember the ashtray quite well. i always want to find one on ebay just to have it but i know it's not the same one (his had chips already) and i'm a bit concerned if i get a new one now that i'll forget the old one and start forgetting everything from there.
i can only speculate that "normal" people are so upset about death because they're concerned they'll forget the person who died
I thought it was just me that doesn't cry or feel bad when some people die..
@InjuredMinds
oh, you won't be familiar with the subject matter or all the language, but you'd see what I mean nonetheless. A person being logical and reasonable and being brave and independent, and religious. I suppose he doesn't discuss his premises but that isn't the point of that video
@InjuredMinds glad to confirm your previous thoughts.. always happy to be of assistance! lol
@InjuredMinds As I said, there's no point in arguing, we have every right to disagree, but let's just agree to disagree, okay?
Do you ever think you're being selfish? I don't know if you can speak at length like this all of the time. I cannot put my words into ways many can understand. It prolly sounds like im being mean to you. I hate myself sometimes for feeling like my only concern is me. But I don't know what they're thinking. I know what they see, but how can I tell them? Thet don't know what I see. I can't explain. But thanks for sharing your point of view.
@Zephiris00 menade: hur människor tänker olika.
You are very logical , I like that alot. I like people that make sense.
can you tell us why you hate your dad so much? What was his parenting like?
Actually, it's probably almost nothing like having self-diagnosed cancer.
@InjuredMinds That's emotional allright
Thank you for sharing..this really does help...
@InjuredMinds He calls us his sheep because he is like the shepherd to us. In Bible times, shepherds cared about their sheep as if they were their own children. So it doesn't make any sense to say he doesn't care. There's no point in arguing this, and I don't want us to create further conflict, let's end this discussion. I'll respect your beliefs if you respect mine, k?
@InjuredMinds He is exactly not egoistich, but jelous. Also, the bible says that we are more important on a rock. He is equally good to good and bad, only on judgement day we will get seperated onto, very good persons (big crown), believing persons (little crown), and passive and non believing (ashes).
I don't wanna sound brutal, but if all aspies are all like that about not feeling sad or even crying at funerals, is that one of the reasons on why most aspies are atheists?
+Tsarevna Hilda Linus did cry at the funeral. It's more like he needed the funeral, to finally realise she were gone. I think they're atheists because aspies thinks more logical than neurotypical people, which probably helps pushing them in the right direction.
+Helge Stegemoen There is no "right direction". Atheism is a very extremist ideology that at the end of the day is no more valid than someone believing in God or an afterlife. There are plenty of smart, logical people who are religious. It has more to do with the fact that most modern societies are secular and as our civilizations become more modernized and hedonistic people become more secular. When life is easy and comfortable people don't need God. Or at least they think they don't ; )
I think lots of aspies are atheists because of the emphasis on logic, and in that sense most traditional religions don't really make a lot of sense at all.
believers think one Religion is right and all other thousand are wrong. atheists Just think all are wrong.
Thank you for your comment because it expresses what i wanted to state. i´m not a native english speaker.
@InjuredMinds For one thing, Christianity is not religion, it's a faith and belief that Jesus died for us and took the enormous burden of sin off our shoulders. But God is not aggressive. He loves us, and rather than threatening us with hell, he points us to Jesus so we won't have suffer. That's proof that he cares for us. The fact that we exist is also proof. If God hated us, why would he create us?
Eventually you'll realize it doesn't matter if your reactions are the same as other people's.
Things like your mother dying and stuff (sorry to hear that by the way), is your personal business. You don't have to answer to people and keep trying to appear "normal" or everyone. Trust me when I say you're wasting your energy.
You made me stay up 20min. over my sleep schedule. Bad you.
@InjuredMinds HAHA i just think your really interesting, thats why i'm honored.
FACE! lol i often say that when people cry at funerals, they don't cry for the person who died, but they cry for themselves, for thier own loss. So often i don't cry at funerals. But afterwards when emotion become overwhelming, and considering how someone died, i cry because of my own regrets and because that person is finally no longer suffering and is free of this life! i think sometimes those memories that came back, can give personal growth.. nice vid! how long before sex? >;]
Thank you for this video. I really can relate. Thank you.
dude, there is now ads on you channel. >.
I can relate.. and I'm NT.. scary or what?
we're all different but the truth of it is that we on the spectrum don't EXPRESS our emotions in the same ways as NT's. that's pretty much it put simply :)
Hi, fellow Aspie. =)
@Ambermen santa claus loves you
Just wondering .. do you think your Dad watches your videos?
@InjuredMinds
sorry about all these comments.. just thought i'd mention, I am an Atheist.
@InjuredMinds im getting a makeup ad...wtf...
sounds like the hate you have for your father may be blocking the feeling of loss of your mom
have you thought of therapy for that feeling of hate ? it can not be good for you and will eat you up eventually - i am not saying you should feel love for him but to unload that may help you
appreciate your post
How do you spell your mom's boyfriend's name? I am interested.
...vad det var de var så "oroliga" för. Jag kände aldrig något, och det kändes hemskt. Jag märkte ju hur dåligt min familj mådde, och då kände jag mig konstig, för varför kände inte jag något? Jag tyckte inte, och tycker inte nu heller, att det var en så stor grej, utan tyckte mer att alla överreagerade.
um those are totally different things
@InjuredMinds
Well, there are some that are logical reasonable brave and independent and religious, check out omedyashar! watch?v=DwUTIs_9WXA and see the description in his channel.
Hmm i know that feeling.
thanks for the video :)
@InjuredMinds I think that you can be logical and still believe in God. Newton and Pascal where believers and they were logical too. I think that God is not as we think is. We cannot figure Him but that doesn't mean He doesn't exist. Who created everything in your opinion?
I think that a part of us continue to exist after death too and that the body is only the hard ware.
Scandinavian powerz! :D
Subbed
Please start about religion in a video :)
Except that has nothing to do with empathy.. normal people do that also |:
I REALLY hate the popular you tube videos, where people make massive voice modulations. That's really all it takes to impress people. Grrrr
I'm with you i am the same way. but its weird that you think there is nothing after our body dies.
the personality of "god" in the bible is made up by a bunch of old men, but if you read about near death experiences (or watch videos of people telling about them) there definitely is a "god". of course it is not a "he" and isn't an egocentric douche... but a lot of people that have died and been revived, come out of it feeling that this life is more of a dream and that death is like waking up.